update - tw in tags please read

I’ve been meaning to make a life/health/disability update the last week or so but those things don’t really matter to me right now. My cat Isis, my soulmate if ever there was one, died in my arms on Thursday morning at 10:32 AM. It happened after I heard a long, mournful yell/groan from her at 10:25 AM. She was fine before, then dead in my arms in seven minutes. 11 years and 1 month old. No warning, no lead up. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I genuinely don’t know how to live without my soulmate. She took half of me with her and my half, well... it’s circling the drain and has been for years. It’s why I’ve always said my cats and my mom are the only reasons I don’t unalive myself. My relationship with my mom is ruined and she won’t do family therapy, and my soulmate is gone. I love all of my pets the same, give them the same love, but there is the once in a lifetime or very rare animal in a long line of them who is just different and that was Isis. Tomorrow will be my third morning waking up and not seeing her come to greet me. She did that on the day she passed but I hung out in bed too long so she went to the bedroom. 10-12 minutes later and as I was getting up, I heard her cry. After attempting CPR, I knew the second she died and the ER vet’s front desk told me sometimes they choose when to go as I wailed with agony. She didn’t fucking choose this. She’d choose to be home if she could. Warm and loved. Not fucking that. I held her in my arms for 40 minutes. Then I held her on her favorite blanket on my lap for almost two hours. We wrapped her in another favorite blanket when we took her to the vet. We spoke with her vet, who is quite familiar with her, and he said it was likely a blood clot or sudden heart issue from what I described. Nothing to be done and no way I could have saved her. She felt pain and fear, but for a brief time she was aware that I was with her and I hope she was comforted by my presence in some way. I’m getting her cremains and a paw print back and one day I’d like to commission art of her. Right now, all I can think about is that I had not yet fully healed from the LP over a year ago so I could sit on the couch and she would lay on my chest and purr for an hour before falling asleep. What healing she’s given me for 10 years. Through some of the lowest points of my life, she has kept me going. I adopted her on May 5th, 2013. I lost her on May 18th, 2023. She was 11 going on kitten. Life is cruel and unfair. I wouldn’t wish going through those seven minutes of agony on anyone and I would turn back the clock to save her from the pain and fear, as she felt them both acutely. Life is so terrible to such innocent beings who have unconditional and insane amounts of love to give, as Isis did to anyone and everyone she knew longer than a day. Everyone always told me how sweet she was. They were always so shocked at how loud her purr was, the very reason I adopted her. I cannot believe I am never going to hear it or feel it again. I don’t want to believe it. She did everything with me and my morning routines are excruciating right now because she isn’t there. She went on most bathroom trips with me, we chatted up a storm every day, she laid in her designated second computer chair at my side, always always always laid at my side on the recliner or couch, and purred purred purred. Isis was the funniest, sweetest, most talkative, comforting, attention-hogging, purring machine. She was orange and proud of it. An instigating little shit and also proud of it. She is with me and I am with her, I hope. I’m still coming down from the shock of what happened but I don’t think this heavy grief will go away for a long time. The apartment has gotten too quiet and I’m lonelier than ever. Lilly is my lovebug and honey bun and she is looking for Isis all the time. Not because they were friends, but Isis did not let her have a moment’s peace! lol But watching her look for her is still incredibly painful. She was fully aware something was happening to Isis, as I had to push her away twice during those seven minutes, but not the concept of death certainly. Still, it’s only been 2.5 days and Lilly is becoming more anxious and restless. She spent today out in the living room with me. Almost all day. She is queen of the Queen Bed Kingdom and the bedroom is her territory (she and Isis had many words about it), so it was really unusual. Isis never really let her put her guard down out here and I hope she starts to. She will stop looking for Isis much sooner than I will. I see her everywhere. I feel her against my leg. I hear her. I feel the touch of her soft fur, of her headbutts, her cold nose as she always tries to lick my chin and cheeks and forehead and nose. I feel as if I could simply say Isis and she’d brrp and be here again. I don’t want to adopt another cat. I want to hang on for Lilly if I can. I want Isis with me again, even if it’s only her name on an urn and the fleeting touch of her paw in clay. But how I long to go back and experience adopting her and having her for another decade at my side. Maybe she’ll stop by my dreams and they’ll be kind ones instead. ☀️

i'm finally at that dreaded part of the breaking point for epiphany and it's breaking my heart to even put it to words😭

old man in the sun 🥲

.

benjamin sisko autism

benjamin sisko as a man with mental health issues of some kind

the visions of joan of arc the trials of moses, you will bleed into the story until you are more mythology than man, more dream than dreamer

mythologies and religion is the same as science and travelling you will die if you keep having these visions

sports creating narrative structures you cannot know until you have reached the end

despite the feeling that the end will bring sorrow, you must continue 

benjamin sisko as larger than life and as a relatable man who is struggling with how his mind works

I really like the idea of Ulmo subtly interacting with Elwing even before he turned her into a bird. Growing up on the coast, maybe she falls asleep to the sound of waves that could also be the tune of a lullaby. Or she hears whispers of reassurance and comfort in the crashing, gurgling sea, and the waves carry her like a parent when she swims.

bad time to get back on twitter ngl

Last year's VS this year's birthday party with my lovely friends on Vaviel! A lot has changed over the past year but we're still all besties!

2022:

2023:

Last picture of him...

I just started watching Star Trek TOS, where did Number One goooo

So sorry KAT you’re gonna watch me lose my mind over my mothers birthday present because she IS insane

ykw?

it would be incredibly funny if crushie liked me back too late

especially when i might be starting to like someone else

//I’m going to cry c’:

Nothing will ever match the energy of kotlc book 4

Caleb returning the forehead kiss and combing back Molly's hair when he's gone is just so gutting, because Molly was always the very tactile and openly affectionate one. Because early in the campaign Caleb was always so touch-starved, very hesitant to both accept and initiate any sort of physical intimacy. And then by the end, he gives it to Molly so freely. A last moment of warmth and comfort and tenderness, and Mollymauk can't even feel it.

Is it for Molly, or is it for him? "And as the light fades, the body is restored. The wounds are cleaned...but the spirit did not return." "He's lifeless." "He is." But Caleb still tries to comfort him anyway, after all his magic just isn't enough, after his Transmuter's Stone is shattered and all he can do is choke back tears and tell Yasha, "I-I tried..." He still wants to give him a kiss goodbye.

I still haven’t uninstalled the Twitter app from my phone even though I haven’t actively used it in almost a year— just got a mini jump scare from the new icon sitting there amongst my shortcuts and honestly that might be the thing that pushes me over the edge to get rid of it for good already ❌