a very star trek birthday :)

Title: Middle Watch

Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series

Rating: K

Warning: None

Tags: James T. Kirk, Spock

Summary: Post ST:TMP. Spock visits Kirk’s quarters, curious about the emotions he’s so newly embraced after his encounter with V’Ger.

Notes: My first time posting ST rambles.

James T. Kirk sat at the desk in his quarters, surrounded by stacks of old books and documents from previous missions, catching up on a bit of reading that he simply hadn't had time for until now. In between learning the new ship, the whole business with V’Ger, losing both Ilia and Will Decker, and Spock’s sudden and dramatic reappearance, he felt he only just had the opportunity to catch his breath. Here, in the quiet of his own cabin, for a few hours at least, he could temporarily forget the duties and chaos that awaited him just beyond the sleekly paneled walls.

He heard the door open behind him and the sound of boots crossing the threshold. He glanced over to check the hour; Dr. McCoy was late this evening.

“What’s it tonight, Bones?” he asked, not bothering to look up from the page. Kirk suspected the good doctor had come with one of his more palatable remedies. “Finagle’s Folly?”

His query met with silence, he turned to see Spock standing just inside the doorway. Kirk immediately closed the book he’d been thumbing through and stood up.

“Spock!”

“I hope I am not disturbing you,” Spock answered, taking a few steps farther into the room. Despite the Starfleet uniform he still looked somewhat out of place, as if he were merely visiting the Enterprise on some diplomatic mission, and would depart once mutual gains had been negotiated. The Vulcan clasped his hands behind his back and stood quietly as the pneumatic door closed after him, plunging the room into a heady silence.

Kirk didn't mean to stare but found he couldn’t tear his eyes away; he still couldn’t believe Spock was truly back aboard the ship, again at his side. Spock had refused an offer to return to Vulcan, where he might continue the Kolinahr discipline. He didn't completely understand, but acknowledged the importance it held for Spock; for what other reason would he leave Starfleet behind, wish to exorcise his human half and the emotions it engendered?

Spock.

It hurt him to think of Spock suffering in any capacity. A small part of Kirk believed with disquieting certainty he himself had been a source of that pain.

A moment passed between them, one of comfortable newness, of old friends who suddenly find themselves once again in each other’s lives after an extended separation. Kirk felt warm affection bubble up inside him, brightening his face with a smile; he gestured toward the berth.

“Please, sit down.”

Spock acquiesced and crossed the room to sit on the bed’s edge, his hands folded in his lap. Kirk returned to his seat but turned the chair so that his full attention was trained on his guest. A shimmery chime filled the room as an antique timepiece nestled among the books struck the half hour.

“It’s late, Spock. We humans typically sleep at this time.”

Spock’s eyes cut through the room’s low light like two bright stars.

"I know you to keep late hours." His eyes flicked to the myriad bound volumes crowding the shelves beside the bed. The titles were varied; Spock suspected they were borrowed from other crew members. "I see you still enjoy reading in your spare time. You are what some would consider a 'creature of habit'."

"You know me quite well, Spock," Kirk chuckled. "I'd say even more than I do myself."

Spock's face softened. In the quiet light he appeared more and more the remarkable individual Kirk had come to know so well and less the stranger who'd boarded the ship in their time of need. I’ve missed this, Kirk thought.

“I confess to having heard your thoughts during my time on Vulcan," Spock said suddenly. Kirk shifted in his seat, surprised by this revelation. Vulcan was light-years away from Earth, too far a distance for any conventional mind-link to span.

“How is that possible?”

Spock's brow arched in the way it did when met with a peculiar conundrum. He shook his head, obviously perplexed.

“Unknown. However, I distinctly felt your thoughts during the culmination of the ritual."

Kirk looked at him openly, searching. A million questions tumbled in his mind. One formed into coherent thought.

“Only then?"

Spock returned his gaze with such intensity that Kirk broke contact, shifting the conversation.

"And your task on Vulcan? The Masters—"

"My task," Spock stated quietly, "is complete. I have found my answers."

Kirk settled back into his seat with a sense of relief. The past few years without him were challenging and he had no desire to live through more of the same. He needed Spock by his side, needed him in his life. Spock watched closely as Kirk examined his hands, shaking his head.

"After the mission, when you left, I—” He sighed heavily. “Somehow I ended up behind a desk..."

Kirk rested a hand on the table beside him, feeling the smooth material under his fingertips. Accepting the promotion had been a mistake, he knew now. He was never meant to give up command. Hadn’t Bones tried to warn him? His eyes wandered around the room, taking in the stark modernity of his surroundings. Without Decker he’d leaned on Scott to help familiarize himself with the ship’s new designs and functions. Beneath the shiny new refurbishment was the same old Enterprise, pulsing with her powerful, understated grace. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same. He looked again at Spock. Never meant to give this up.

"I can’t tell you how glad I am to have you back, Spock."

The Vulcan felt a familiar dull ache in the pit of his stomach. He knew it to be the unnamed, persistent longing that tainted every interaction with the humans he’d moved among while aboard the Enterprise. After many years he finally understood what it was that had pained him for so long, pain enough to turn his back on the only place he’d truly considered home. That understanding had led to wanting, needing.

Having was not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It was not logical, but was often true.

Spock stood suddenly, and Kirk had the fleeting impression he meant to approach him, but Spock had instead turned toward the door, his hands once again clasped behind his back. He took a few slow steps to leave but stopped, his eyes to the floor.

Often, but not always.

"I had hoped, in light of recent developments..."

That well remembered voice was cautious, careful. Kirk watched as the Vulcan faced him. Their eyes met and Kirk felt the overwhelming pull of raw emotion wash over him as it radiated across the room. He raised his arms and held them out in invitation, beckoning Spock over.

“Come here,” he said softly.

Spock slowly approached him, his eyes locked onto Kirk’s. He stopped as he reached the chair; he scarcely seemed to be breathing. Kirk looked up at him for a moment, taking in every detail of the face he’d memorized long ago. He stood, rising to his full height, gazing into the melancholic eyes before him.

Spock was so thin—time on Vulcan had whittled the flesh from his cheeks. Kirk reached out and rested his hands on Spock’s shoulders. He could feel the toll the Kolinahr had taken through the tunic fabric. Those shoulders, angular before, were sharper. Where Kirk has gained a few pounds from life behind a desk, Spock had lost them.

Oh.

Kirk slipped his arms around the lean waist and settled them into the small of his back, pulling Spock close. The distance between them disappeared as they pressed comfortably together. For a moment Spock seemed frozen with indecision, but allowed himself to relax into the embrace, resting his arms across Kirk’s back.

“Jim.”

That name. Speaking that name after years of restraint was a homecoming. Spock let its weight rest on his tongue, savoring the taste.

“Jim,” he said again, with reverence befitting a prayer.

Kirk hugged him tighter, burying his face into the fabric at the Vulcan’s neck. He imagined he could smell the spiced Vulcan breeze lingering on Spock’s skin.

“I missed you,” he murmured, not trusting his voice to speak any louder.

Spock’s fingers tensed, pressing into the warm flesh beneath their breadth. It knows that it needs, but not what. He inclined his head, resting his chin against Kirk’s temple, listening to the steady thrum of the human heart he'd so nearly broken with his pilgrimage to Gol.

T’hy’la! he thought. Jim!

After years of needing, he had finally accepted what it was he sought. Of all the strange and wonderful worlds discovered during their historic mission, none could compare to the one he found himself inhabiting in that small ship's cabin, lost amid the vast expanse of space.

He was exactly where he belonged.

He was home.

tagged by @bumbleblossoms​ - thank you! 

Tagged Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Coffeeeeeee

2. Phone call: My partner, just as they left the dentist. :( 3. Text message: Motherbot 2.0 4. Song you listened to: Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction 5. Time you cried: Uh… some point in the last couple months, I guess? Not sure when, but it was at something related to dogs. Honestly, I did most of my crying last year, during The Year From Hell, and I’m still a bit dried out.

6-92 under the cut. :)

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: As in getting back together again? Nooooo. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: …yup. Often. Sometimes not until a long while later, though!   8. Been cheated on: Not to my knowledge. 9. Lost someone special: Yep. 10. Been depressed:  Eh, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, so no, I don’t think so. Situationally really fucked off with things? Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Once. Story time, everyone! 

So, I generally have a really good alcohol tolerance and a cast iron stomach (not necessarily for good reasons, but hey), but I did once go to a party that ended very badly. I was about 17, had recently been diagnosed with CFS, and was on a heavy painkiller regimen. I drank when I shouldn’t really have done so, because bullshit and All the Emotional Drama, BUT… I did not know that my friend’s asshole brother had spiked my drink. (He was a peach. Gave his 14 year old brother acid once just to point and laugh at the result. Fuckin’ hated that guy.)

At some point in the evening – somewhere after the sham marriages, interpretative dance, and someone putting someone else through a table, because teen parties – I realised I was wayyy more wasted than I should have been, despite the painkillers, and I ended up spending all night hallucinating and throwing up, plus feeling horrific for about three days afterwards. 

Moral of the story: if you spike people’s drinks, you are a gigantic bag of toe lint and should suffer mosquito bites on your asshole for a thousand years. The end.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Purple 13. Red 14. Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Not yet. Befriend me, tumblr, you’re my only hope.  16. Fallen out of love: No, though I have watched my relationship with at least one family member crumble into dust. Does that count?  17. Laughed until you cried: At least four times a week. Which is one big reason why I’m marrying that motherfucker.  18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. See 16. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not yet.  20. Found out who your friends are: Yes, sadly. It sucks when you realise how effectively someone has manipulated the people around you.  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nah, I don’t really do the FB thing. I should, I guess?

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: See above. I kind of have a profile, but I only use it to message people I’m related to who are freaking obsessed with Facebook and won’t communicate any other way. Ugh. So… most of them? I guess?   23. Do you have any pets: One dog – Hector, a grumpy and elderly terrier - down from two resident mutts and a boatload of fosters. Older dog died last year, and I’m not in a position to foster right now, which sucks, because I miss having a house full of beasties, not to mention making a difference. 24. Do you want to change your name: Already have done/am doing! I have no real interest in keeping up with more than 80% of the people I’m related to, and I never liked my birth name, plus this is easier to spell and dictate to people, and isn’t known by the abusive assholes in my life. So, yay! 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Ordered pizza and watched favourite movies with my partner. We did The Blues Brothers and shit-talked the progression of police militarisation in the US over the past 30 years, and it was incredibly fun, despite the fact we’re 3000 miles apart right now. Also, they remembered my birthday, which is more than can be said for over two-thirds of the people I’m related to.  26. What time did you wake up: 9am, but in my defence I was up until 3 last night. 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking shit with my partner, knitting an afghan, and watching foster kitten cams and reviews of awful movies together, because these are good ways to help someone who has a dental appointment in the morning try to stay calm. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Getting my current backlog of work finished. Sooo clooose…. Promised myself a movie and gaming binge when I’m done. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Last week. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Either having enough money to fix all my problems (yes, in this case, money most certainly can do that), or just being on the same continent as my partner, so we didn’t have this immigration thing to worry about. Not having a debilitating illness that fucks everything up would be pretty awesome, too.  31. What are you listening right now: Freddie King 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yep, many Toms. All the Toms. Well, like, five plus. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Not knowing whether or not the electrician is going to show up tomorrow, which will mean I need to move the paintings and quilt top I currently have all over the sitting room floor. I’m not done piecing that thing yet. Grr. 34. Most visited website: Lots. Mostly Google, Politico, Reuters etc., but I’m living on eBay right now because I’m trying to sell off a bunch of DVDs, books, and vintage glassware. …Does anyone want to buy some vintage/antique glassware? 35. Mole/s: Yep. I had one removed from my back once. Turned out to be benign (phew!) but I got an interesting scar out of it. 36. Mark/s: I still have a faint surgery scar on my elbow, but it doesn’t look as Frankenstein-y now. Most of my scars have faded, but I still have some weird idiosyncrasies from things that have been broken or busted up. 37. Childhood dream: Writing was always my main thing, but also acting/directing. Illness took that away. Other than that, I always wanted to live somewhere rural with lots of animals, and be happy.  39. Long or short hair: Long. Lots. It’s huge. Send help. I like both on other people.  40. Do you have a crush on someone: Not right now. Give me ten minutes and a new Fet profile to stalk and I’ll get back to you... 41. What do you like about yourself: I’m a creative dynamo and I don’t stop until I fall down. I’m also proud of the fact that I’m a pretty compassionate and patient person, and I like the fact I’m slow to really anger. Someone told me recently I’m a very stabilising influence, and that was nice to hear. I feel like life can use more of that.  42. Piercings: Ears (two left, three right), nose (left). More on the way, maybe, when I can justify it.  43. Blood type: ???? I should check. I know the NHS won’t let me donate blood because of my medical condition, which blows.  44. Nickname: Zia. Some people call me Kez. One person is allowed to call me Admiral Fuckface McAsshole III.  45. Relationship status: Open relationship with my primary partner, technically speaking. Poly is good, but my planner is too cluttered for anarchy.  46. Zodiac: Aries w/ Aquarius moon, Virgo ascendant. I also have Mars and Venus in Taurus, so mooooo. And yes, I did used to do natal charts for beer money. I read palms, too. I’d still do it if asked nicely.  47. Pronouns: They/She. I don’t mind feminine pronouns, because I’m incredibly cis-passing and most people will assume “she”, plus I can live with being labelled female if it’s a binary choice, but I see myself more as a person than a gender, so I love that neutral pronouns are being used so much more now.

FWIW, I considered whether or not I was trans for a hot minute when I was a younger teen, because I used to love passing as a boy when I was a kid (until puberty at nine. Boo.), but for me it was the difference in how I was treated when I passed as male that mattered. It was the difference between “Oh, isn’t he confident and intelligent?” and “Hello, sweetie, don’t you look pretty today?” that affected me, not a real sense of dysphoria, so I decided the problem wasn’t really in how I presented, but in society itself. I have yet to really find a satisfying way of rectifying that, but I think we’re all making progress as a society. It’s very slow progress, sadly.   

48. Favorite TV Show: I don’t watch that many series, but Star Trek (especially TOS and DS9), X-Files (S1/S2), Game of Thrones, old mystery adaptations (all the Agatha Christie ever), Stranger Things, Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad… can’t think of anything else right now, but there are some. 49. Tattoos: One black and grey dotwork spiral goddess on my arm, next one coming soon (watch this space, now I’ve found an artist!) 50. Right or left hand: Ambidextrous. Yes, I can write with both hands. Sometimes, I switch in the middle of the sentence. No, it doesn’t look the same. I can also operate light switches with my toes from a standing position.  51. Surgery: I fucked up my ulnar nerve a couple of years ago by blacking out and falling on some stairs. It was melodramatic, and I lost the use of my left hand. Had surgery to correct it. I was awake but a bit sedated, and spent most of the time talking to the cute anaesthetist about chastity cages. Because... sedated? Yes. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sadly, he did not call, though I’m pretty sure he did a lot of googling when he got home that night.  52. Hair dyed in different color: Always, since I discovered Olaplex, which means I can actually bleach my hair without it completely frying. Most recently, I’ve had a mermaid fantasy in turquoise, green, and purple, but it’s faded a lot. Not sure what I’ll do next. Maybe orange, or neon yellow again. 53. Sport: I can’t do much without turning blue and blacking out, but I’ve always enjoyed tennis, badminton, swimming, and equestrian stuff. Is hiking a sport? Hiking’s fun.  54. Do you use sarcasm a lot: Um... 

55. Vacation: Last one was to see my partner; next one will be too. So, the woods of NEPA. Hiking out with some granola and my favourite human, and spending a few days playing with shelter pitbulls. <3 Otherwise, I’ve never really been on holiday. I went on a school trip to Germany once where I nearly got arrested and, when I was seven, I went to Malta and there was a hurricane. I remember wedging wet towels into the window frames and hoping we didn’t die, because we were on the twelfth floor and there was nowhere else to go. 

I did go to Norfolk with my mother for four days after her breast cancer diagnosis. Macmillan, a cancer charity that is very worthy of support, granted her a short break. There was a lot of playing dominos and trying to convince her she wasn’t actively dying at that precise moment.

56. Pair of trainers: Converse. All the ratty old Converse low tops in the world. 

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: I have the house to myself right now. It’s awesome. I’m celebrating with homemade shiitake tofu stir fry, wontons, vegetable udon… and doughnuts. Not in the same bowl, though. 58. Drinking: Rum. 

59. I’m about to: Finish a short story, close out an editing project, format a print galley (again. Goddamnit, Adobe.), and try to finalise the running order of a poetry collection. Maybe send some emails, maybe eat the rest of those wontons.   61. Waiting for: The dizziness to go away, usually. 62. Want: The time, space, peace and quiet to focus on my work, and my health to cooperate long enough for that to happen. 63. Get married: As soon as possible, which basically means when we can afford it, because immigration, legal wrangling, and a ton of other bullshit. It’s a headache, but if there weren’t so many technical hurdles it would already be done.  64. Career: I write and make stuff. I’m doing it under a new name now, which is daunting, because it means starting over again, but I’ve spent the past few years doing a lot of genre fiction and being told my original work is “too original”… but I’m ready to say “fuck you” to that and see what I can carve out for myself. Come on, internet: don’t prove me wrong, ‘k? 65. Hugs or kisses: Ooh, tough. Yes? I guess hugs if I have to pick.   66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller: I honestly don’t care, though I do very much enjoy short subs. Pocket rockets are adorable. 68. Older or younger: It really doesn’t matter. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms, I guess? Doesn’t really matter. It’s all pretty to look at, but who really cares? Arms are best for hugs. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. I don’t like too loud. 72. Hook up or relationship: Define the terms, yo. I’d say relationship, but the definition of “relationship” can be open to numerous things. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Um… possibly a bit of both, but more hesitant, probably.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: No. 75. Drank hard liquor: Yup.

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I once dropped a contact lens down the back of a gas fire and spent three hours getting it out with Vaseline on a paperclip. My vision is awful and I wore very expensive gas permeable lenses at the time. 77. Turned someone down: Yup. 78. Sex on the first date: Nothing wrong with it (and nothing wrong with sex being the date), but it’s not for me. 79. Broken someone’s heart: So they said. 80. Had your heart broken: Yes, but not how you might assume. 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: Yep. 83. Fallen for a friend: A couple of times, with varying degrees of success.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: I try to, because few other people often do. (*the world’s tiniest violin plays*) 85. Miracles: Yes, sometimes in the form of coincidences, surprises, or the results of hard work. I believe in inverse miracles, too, when things go catastrophically wrong for no apparent reason. Or, as we call it at my house, Tuesday. 86. Love at first sight: Yes, in a way. Potential for love at first sight, I guess? I’ve usually found I know the moment I meet someone whether that’s a thing that’s going to happen or not. 87. Santa Claus: YES, DAMN IT. Okay, maybe not a literal dude in a red suit, but as a personification of the generous spirit of Non-Denominational-Winter-Solstice-and-Festival-of-Lights, he works. (I’m an eclectic neo-pagan/hedgewitch, but my most loved time of year is the whole October-February period, so I start celebrating Yule/Christmas around December 1st and don’t stop until Twelfth Night. I will take ALL of your symbolism, ALL your traditions, and – most importantly – ALL your festive foods and embrace them. In my belly. Thank you.)

88. Kiss on the first date: Probably. Unless it’s a baaaaad first date. 89. Angels: Again, not so much the literal sense, but it’d be nice to think there are positive presences looking out for us. I’d be very concerned about the serpent-like pillars of fire, though.  

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: Aside from my dog, that’s my partner but they don’t like their details shared, so SHHHH IT’S A SECRET. 91. Eye color: grey-blue-thing 92. Favorite movie: You can’t just ask a person that at the end of the thing like it’s a simple question…! So. Many. Movies. Depends on the genre. The Blues Brothers, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Gattaca, Silence of the Lambs, Re-Animator, Die Hard, Stand By Me, Sleepaway Camp, Alien, Lady in a Cage, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, TRHPS, The Great Escape… those are movies I can watch a billion times (and have done). Honorable mentions, depending on my mood, go to things like Basket Case, Caramel, An American Werewolf in London, Exterminating Angel, Secretary, Gran Torino… I could have done 92 questions just on the most popularist movies I like!

tagging: I’ve been away for a few days and I don’t wanna tag people who’ve already done it, so if you’re reading this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged! <3