no thought only MQF in brain* (*even more than usual yeah.....)

ok lads listen up. i love allllll Mu Qingfang designs ok? all the interpretations are cool and valid and dear ok BUT. whenever I personally try to draw MQF without a 'stache he just looks to me like a first-year med student ok hjdfhkfd

but anyway. when i was scrolling around and being completely normal about MQF i saw a lot of ppl say stuff like 'this is my 'mqf is actually pretty' agenda' and its alwaysss about peeled mqf SO I HAVE A POINT TO PROVE OK. mqf with a moustache can be also a prettyboy ok?? i can prove it 😭😭

so here are my qingfangs where i turned up the babygirl vibes to absolute max as i could hsdfjkhdskfh 💜

you should be a bat!

also i cant tell the tone of your last post, but please dont do what i think youre implying. ik that life sucks ass, but theres so much you can do! hell, the less people that show up the more cake you get to eat. i get the lonliness and idk how to help you personally, im a random internet stranger. no matter how similar the events that ive faced, ill never know what youre going through. but please, please dont. as someone who has gotten through it life gets so fucking good after it stops kicking your ass. the bad is as impermanent as the good feels right now.

sorry if i misinterpreted the tone lol, take care of yourself <3

Aw, thank you anon!

Ah, sorry if I made it sound that way. I've just had a pretty shitty time of it recently and I want my birthday so badly to be special that I'm maybe putting too much importance on it. But mostly I'm just kinda using tumblr to vent, don't worry. I appreciate you messaging though. <3

Take care of yourself as well!

hey from one nd person to another the comic where fm gordon says a slur seems kind of in poor taste. ik ur not intentionally making light of it and tht occurring in fm should be criticized but while you dont make it out to be a good thing making jokes about it and calling him a "slurboy" is kind of questionable? it makes it seem more like a plotpoint and angst rather than the creator of fm genuinely fucking up in the past (and having moved on from it)! i think exploring fm coming to terms with being nd is a good idea but this isnt the best way to do it. if you want me to explain my point more lmk if/when u post this and i will! someone already made a post abt it but it was kinda strongly worded and i wanted to approach you more calmly because i genuinely dont want to call you out or start drama or anything ;-;

first off thank you for being civil and patient with me i appreciate this ask a lot- also this got long- im not in a flying rage or anything when i bold or emphasis text, i just needed it also for my own readability and since im not the best at wording- hopefully this hellsite works and my response is under the cut

i would like to know how is it in poor taste when freemind explicitly gets clocked at the very end for saying it. the entire point of the comic was to show that saying the r slur has existed in his source and is bad

im not sure how much more direct i can get, with the disclaimer/warning list growing longer and longer and out there for a huge sign that says “this au can get dark as fuck and these subject matters are treated seriously/not something to mess around with.” Like yes, there are some jokes in the asks and other comics, but that specific comic is not supposed to be “haha thats funny”. it has a serious tone using a rough sketch style bc i was super tired and wanted to vent

was it just the direct reference to it that just made people uncomfortable? because thats 100% understandable, and i made sure i tagged it appropriately (although admittedly, a little bit late since i thought the filter would catch at least the main thing)

i think what some people somehow got from it is “exploring sensitive content = endorsing said content” which! that is not the intent! i absolutely do not want people saying that word! I don’t want people thinking that is any way okay for this character to say

its more of a damned if i do address it, damned if i dont.

if it never comes up, people are gonna assume that ‘oh this character says slurs and is shit, surely the creator or fan-creator MUST be okay with it and woobifies freemind and absolves him of any mistakes’ or something like that. no. this asshole has an arc and i want to do it right. its serious and i think it shouldn’t be shoved under the rug

and people just. dont want to read for context for whatever reason. theyll start watching it and get taken aback by the slur and start blaming me ‘hey you never warned for this’ when very early on i keep mentioning over and over ‘you dont have to watch it if you dont want to! This has slurs and 2000s internet brand humor/style’ You really dont, I’m not forcing you to watch it- Literally all you need to know is either canon half life or hl/vrai. thats it. fm mostly follows hl1 with very slight changes.

so i had to make something that:

1. warns people who arent aware and dont want to go through my asks or about/warning pages (for whatever reason) and just want to see the art

2. also NOT downplay freemind’s canon assholery. listen, i kinda despise writing mean and cruel characters, theyre hard to do, and a lot of people get shit for doing it wrong or people going “character = author”

i’ve also considered leaving the bubbles blank, but then people could fill it with whatever they want, then blame me for being vague. or they’d fill it in with a different kind of slur that freemind has never used, even if he MIGHT be the type to do that. I needed to explicitly mention that it is ableist slur. There are shitty racist and other problematic jokes, but never those kinds of extreme racial slurs to my knowledge.

Although I do see your point that maybe joking about it outside of the serious stuff might not be the best route. The slurboy jokes are getting stale, and I will try a better way to remind people.

The thing that gets to me is that it feels people are more than ready to defend either Ross Scott or Gordon Freeman the fictonal character himself. I don’t??? really care for Ross Scott, so I don’t know if he’s ever brought it up specifically. I’m not really calling him out or cancelling him. Idc for some white man’s feelings, im only bringing the timeframe of That era and reworking it to fit in This current era.

And I hate to break it to people: Gordon Freeman is a blank slate character, you can project whatever the hell you want on him as long as it’s not freakshit illegal garbage. The machinimas (fm, hl/vrai) do have SOME characterization that I want to nail down. It fucking sucks when characters are ooc, and I’m trying not to do that, even if it means sacrificing some comfort. But still mostly staying in my comfort zone if that makes sense

Now about the callout that I do not want to engage with the op directly:

Honestly im very surprised the comic was called out when i just. thought my stuff is relatively tame on exploring the bad shit canon freemind does. ive seen him in fancontent where they really dont hold back and its still played off as ‘kinda funny’ tone.

I really don’t know if people just want any reason to hate me for whatever reason. That’s fine I guess, I can’t please everyone and they dont have to like me.

But like. isn’t it so much easier for the op of that to block me and the post and move on. Why kick up such a fuss. I can see that thinly veiled death threat of a vague. That’s pretty fucked up- Like holy fucking god, you do not have to like my stuff. I’m not holding you at knifepoint to like my stuff. I’ve specifically made two different tags (one general au, one specific au) if anyone wants to blacklist it for their own reasons I do not need to know. I don’t want to know.

You’re allowed to be uncomfortable. You’re allowed to unfollow/blacklist/block.

However you just don’t go ranting about it for something you horribly misinterpreted. If it bothers you so badly, literally just. drop me a message to clarify. thats it. or save yourself the time and block me.

I’ve blocked the op for both our sakes, but if anyone wants to send this post to them, then thats fine. I don’t want anything to do with them.

I don’t want to link the post and blow it up. I just want shit clarified, dropped and we can move the fuck on with our lives. 

If you’re reading this and don’t know what the post is, please don’t bother. I do not want people going after the op with threats, please keep it civil, I’d prefer if you don’t engage with the post at all on my behalf.

Despite this huge wall of text, I do not want this to be a big deal, so please don’t ask me about the details.

_

As for anon, feel free to dm me either on here or. Maybe on discord if you’d still like to suggest or have something more cleared up. I’m still willing to hear any kind of feedback, and i want to thank you again for being reasonable about this

ive completed like. 90% of demons souls (ps3 not the remake) in the last like. 4 days. new save file. just been burning thru it. even doing almost all the side quest stuff. tho im gonna have to do the assassination sidequest in ng+ bc i impulse killed ostrava in 1-3. cant remember why i did that. lol. also need to lower my character tendency enough to get mephistopheles to spawn and i dont know if i can do that without killing a useful npc. i *should* be able to kill 1 or 2 of the catholics in the nexus to get my character tendency to pure black. then just bring yurt to the nexus, kill him, spawn mephy, then do every remaining bit of content before i can start ng+, including spending every boss soul, and then just. kill the ppl meph wants me to kill. and kill her. then start ng+.

all thats left to do otherwise is uhh. pure black tendency in world 4. finish world 3 and do pure white and then pure black there. then do the last bit if 1-3, do 1-4, then the final boss. then the mephy stuff.

the fun part is im beginning to construct a critical path in my head for this game. i just need to learn how increasing character tendency works and ill have a more or less complete understanding of the tendency mechanics, and ill be able to easily and efficiently complete offline runs and build characters. the question, ultimately. is do i care once i finish this run. will i ever play this game again. fuck dude probably. its good as fuck.

i absolutely hate the remake though for the record. the remake takes sooooooooo many liberties with aesthetic, tone, and basically every visual aspect of the game. homogenising it completely and even changing tone and wording *significantly* in voice acting, changing words in a way showing a direct misinterpretation of the source material, and its context as a spiritual successor to the kingsfield quadrilogy. i rly despise bluepoints remake of demons souls. its not art restoration, its fanservice that doesnt care about the source material artistically. its basically a separate game, the tone and aesthetics are so different i dont even want to call it a remake. its more different than ds2 and ds2sotfs, like. idk im upset about it. its a gorefest which the original demons souls is not. there is gore and body horror in the original but it's used carefully. and its less gratuitous or horrific. even the plague babies and the face centipedes are like. well placed and thought out. they suck! ur not supposed to enjoy them. its not meant to be pulpy and cartoonish like doom.

kind of looking forward to getting a ps5 in a year or two and streaming des and desr side by side. doing a full critical playthrough.

Oh god, men who are saying we misinterpret... 😂 Brought me a funny memory.

When I first had a irl crush 7.5 years ago, I actually came forward to him (he was my classmate) and told him I really like him/said it straight to his face that I have a big crush on him because we had had fun together and for example, he always waited for me at the train station when I came to school and literally RAN to me when I got out of the train and he always wanted to walk with me back to the class after lunch etc so my friends told me to go for it and see what happens. He got super confused, but the next day he messaged me being like "I'm sorry for getting confused yesterday. But I have feelings for you too."

Well we had a very nice time for a couple of months which included a lot of staring, blushing and smiling at each other and goofing together and having Facebook messaging with stuff like "I missed you at lunch ❤️" from him (after I couldn't go to school because train operators were on a strike) and EVERYONE IN OUR SMALL SCHOOL SHIPPED US, students and teachers and even the school cleaning lady, they called us JJ because his name also began with J 😂 (there was about 30 people total in our school) And my teacher told me afterwards that he saw that there's something going on between us and purposefully paired us for assignments etc.

Then my crush apparently developed a crush on our class assistant (at least that's what it looked like) and shortly after that he sent me a very frustrated toned message claiming that his sister had written that message to me where he confessed he has feelings for me too, and I had just misinterpreted all that cute behavior and wanted me to stop talking with him. 😅 Yeaaaaah right. So his sister apparently took over his body too and he couldn't help it????

I guess that was a psychological kick to my gut because I haven't been crushing on anyone real since that one.

I saw him at a pizza place 2.5 years ago on his birthday btw and he just stared at me and I just tried so hard to keep my face static so I wouldn't show that I recognized him... I don't know what he was doing here because everyone is like "where the frick is that???" when I tell them where I live and then J just appears at the local pizza place on his birthday??? He lives 70 kilometers away from me in a city so I doubt he came all the way here just to eat pizza 😂 This place literally doesn't have anything else than that, two small grocery stores, a small gym and pharmacy.

Just telling you this for peer support and maybe for laughs 😅

JENNI PLSSSSSSSSSS omg first of all i am so sorry men are so confusing and this is just such a prime example sakjdhsajk but also this is almost the same as what happened to me and this guy???? im putting this under the cut bc its so long and messed up BAHHAHA

granted we never explicitly confessed feelings for one another but we would hang out at school all the time, sit next to each other on the bus (AND HE’D LET ME REST MY HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER) and he lives like 2 streets behind my house so he’d walk me home and everything. he’d get weird when i hung out with other guys and would incessantly tease me about it to the point where i was just like ok maybe i shouldn’t. and i ended up going over to his house all the time because we were studying for our exams together but we’d just watch tv and lay on the couch and talk. i met his dad and even my mom asked if we were dating and our english teacher also asked my friend after we all graduated if we got together and it makes me scream!!!!! but then right when we graduated he started dating another girl in our class (i had to find out from mutual friends which was so shitty akjsdhaksd bc he never talked about it with me, even long after i found out). and i was like damn that sucks but whatever, i never told him how i felt. but we still kept in touch and when i moved away for college he hugged me and told me how much he’d miss me, and i just start to move on bc we obviously cant get together. 

fast forward to a semester into college, he’s messaging me all the time about how he misses me and asking when i’ll be back, i come home for break, and its radio silence. dude doesn’t message me until the end of break where he asks to hang out, and i find out later that the day he asked to hang out was the day after his girlfriend left to go back to college. we hang out, i leave to go back to college, and we text for a bit more before he stops talking to me completely. we don’t talk for like a year and a half and i find out it’s because he girlfriend didnt want him talking to me anymore and he freaking deleted my number. 

we somehow get back in touch through our mutual friend but he’s still with his girlfriend and whenever we hang out he lies to her about where he is. im super uncomfy and debating if i should cut him out bc i dont like him sneaking around his gf like that for no reason since we’re just friends. but at this point he starts getting weird and affectionate and telling me he wants to go to nyc to visit me, and always randomly asking me if i have a boyfriend. he gets on my case all the time about not replying to his texts fast enough and eventually he hits me with the whole ‘i love you so much’ situation after he got a good grade in his exam and was sharing it with me (which is so weird bc why would u say that while celebrating your grade). at that point i start really distancing myself, and eventually stop talking until recently :)

his gf even reached out to me to talk the whole situation through but honestly they’ve both got issues and im terrified of them both. 

i recognise my own part in this situation about sneaking behind his gf’s back but i just.................................................................. it was a lot. 

give me advice except i won’t tell you what for

First, never take criticism from someone you wouldnt go to for advice. I saw that somewhere and i dont remember where but kudos to them because its good advice in my opinion

Now for some orginal Ruth™️ crap

youve probably heard this one before, but never change yourself to fit other peoples views/lifestyles. Ive spent the last three years doing that and its horrible and i lost sight of (still trying to fully find out) who i am. Its not fun, and the person who wants you to change is McToxic and we only stan positivity

Never ever ever fight with someone over text. Always call them or talk in person. Over text or email etc. you can misinterpret someones tone of voice or meaning. For example: i say “okay, chill” a lot. As in like “okay, cool” But i texted my mom that and she thought i was telling her to chill out and she got mad. Not fun and its a good way to escalate a fight

Try to stay organized. I suck at organization and my room and stuff is always a mess, but when you struggle with mental illnesses, its always so refreshing to not have to worry about cleaning up or feeling like a slob

Always look out for others, but no so much that you lose yourself and stop looking out for your own needs. (I do that a lot)

Do the little things that make you happy. Like playing a kazoo.

Drink lots of water. Even if you may not like water, try getting those like flavoring drops or something but you gotta stay hydrated. Ive had so many dehydration headaches and its not fun so dont be stupid and drink your fluid!

Dont just eat bread for a week. Again i speak from experience. Just dont do it youll feel like shit

Don’t procrastinate

Wear whatever the fuck you want man. Be you, just dont go out naked unless youre in a nudist colony

Make sure the people you love know you love them cause love is great and you never know when someone needs to hear that theyre loved

I hope at least one of these could help you! Life is fucking rough man and im still a teenager but those were just some things that ive learned the hard way or people have had to drill into me because i have big dumb and fairly self sacrificial in the way of i dont care about my needs as much as others. Dont be me!

i’m sorry if you’ve just become accustomed to people coming at you for no reason, and that sucks. truly. i follow your blog closely but i just found it funny that we didn’t see eye to eye on this one thing...if you didn’t care, you could say it nicely. i was just genuinely just trying to make conversation. no need to come off as an apathetic piece of shit unless you’re that threatened with people disagreeing with you...a blog that I actually closely followed. what a let down.

tone reads poorly over text! especially if it's 100% anonymous! this is a nameless, faceless message. I have no way of knowing anything about you except the exact words you say and exacty how you say them.

99.9% of ncc asks i get are negative and yours read as negative too. literally the only ones i get that aren't negative are from close friends who i know are ncc fans.

I'm not trying to seem like an "apathetic piece of shit", if you think my argument exemplifies anything except that i care a hell of a lot abt ncc then i think you misinterpreted my point.

I'm not against having genuine conversations abt sports! I'm always down to talk abt sports, but maybe you don't realize that getting an ask that basically says "these are the reasons why i hate a thing you love" isn't...fun for me. it isn't fun to get told why you hate a thing i love. especially, like i said, this is anonymous. I have no idea who you are, i don't know anything about you.

I'm not "threatened by people disagreeing with me" , I'm annoyed that people time & again feel the need to let me know that they hate my team and why. I didn't ask for your opinion abt ncc, your original ask was completely unprompted. I reblogged one post from my main because I thought there might be more ppl that want to see it. I didn't say in the tags "someone pls explain how ppl can hate this team" or "how can anyone hate this team" or anything like that & even if i had it would've been rhetorical.

I didn't realize that this had to be said explicitly but for future reference: dont come into my ask box to tell me you hate something i love! don't try to explain to me why people hate my team! I don't care! let me enjoy my team in peace!

I don't want people to come tell me why they hate my team or mt fave players or anything like that. just let me enjoy my team. I don't send asks to Portland or chr#sten press blogs completely unprompted & start explaining why i don't like them! I let ppl enjoy the things they enjoy! why can't everyone let me do that????

also, for future reference, try to direct non-ke//ex things to my main blog @abbyerceg

Sorry to bring up the writing post and if you want to ignore this you can, but to the comments about artists not getting told this etc etc... like artists dont get told this stuff because most of them work on it in their own? Like the grammar one is what gets me the most. If you're drawing people, you learn to draw each individual part before the whole. So why would you not treat writing the same way? Learn to "draw" the sentence structure and the verb tense consistency etc. before "drawing" 1/2

2/3 a whole fic. And also like??? "Writers can break rules if they want just like artists" YES but like? You need to learn the rules first in order to break them? I'm a music person so I relate most to music but you should learn proper music theory before saying "fuck this, I'm doing what I want". Finally, STRUCTURE IS DIFFERENT THAN WRITING STYLE. (This is specifically at the person who said that not everyone needs to use paragraph breaks because that'd be boring). Anyways you're great

3/3 and people just kind of suck in general and tend to get really defensive when they werent even being attacked. You're a random writer who feels as though people who are literally PUBLISHING WORK should take pride in it and constantly try to grow (which isnt a hefty request). Okay sorry again ignore this if you dont want to talk about it anymore I just had thoughts and no where to put them because I dont post on my blog anymore lol

first of all, thank you, i really really really appreciate this. the post wasn’t intended to attack anyone, and especially not over frivolous things, but people definitely blew it out of proportion. like with the grammar thing for example; i don’t care whether or not people want to write in all lower-case, i’ve done it myself a few times! but it’s exactly like you said, there’s a reason language and grammar rules exist lmao, it’s to make sure that what we write is legible and comprehensive and that we can effectively communicate with one another. so i don’t think me advising people to put a comma before a closing quotation is THAT big of a deal.

also, you’re 100% right about structure being different from writing style. everyone has a different writing style and people definitely misinterpreted what i said and thought that i was bagging on people with a certain style like........no. just no, lol. that’s what pisses me off about this whole thing: people made it into SUCH a big deal, and are now calling me a bitch/cunt/asshole and claiming that i’m racist/ableist/ageist without actually coming to talk to me and hear my side of the story. AND they’re saying that i sounded bitchy and rude, but it’s like. okay, that’s your opinion, that’s how you’re reading my words. tone gets lost over the internet, so you really should just come to me and ask what my intentions were instead of assuming that i have a superiority complex. unfortunately i’m just gonna have to roll with it at this point, but i really appreciate you thinking critically about this and understanding my perspective! and thank you for not jumping down my throat xo

This is gonna be all over the place bc it's just me sorting out my thoughts and sifting through things. It may not even be cohesive or clear, but it'll help me.

I honestly want to cry but there's no reason for me too. It just sucks that Everytime i make a little character progress, it's like only my mistake matters and I "haven't changed". Suddenly my mistake becomes who I always am, even when it's something I've lessened in frequency, duration, and even overall, scale. But the Lord sees me. He says keep changing and growing, not for anyone else but Him. And even if it still remains in me a little, I can still work on it. And even if no one else notices, He does. He sees my heart, He knows me. And I must keep going.

I wish I remembered which sermon this stemmed from. God is good, bc I'd be beating myself up way worse (not to say I'm not, but slow progress ia progress) but sometimes you hear a sermon or read a verse that isn't relevant right now, but it strengthens your spirit, and its useful at the right time.

I think I prayed for the wrong relationship this morning during my bible study. I'm learning about the fruits of the spirit and it said to pray about a relationship that you feel you aren't showing gods gift of love in the biblical sense. But today's little scuffle shows that some weeds that suffocate that Good Love, goes unnoticed some times. I prayed about me and my dad's relationship. But these weeds of small jealousy in my relationship with AJ, I thought were being maintained, but I didn't see the roots, And that's dangerous.

I get why it bothered me, and I get why it shouldn't. And it's not because the smiley doesn't matter to him, it's just bc it shouldn't matter at all. At the root of jealousy I guess I would say is lack of trust. Which sucks bc that means I'm doing the whole cognitive dysfunction thing. Bc I SAY I trust him and inside I do. But by getting upset, that's like the opposite??? So my actions and feelings and words aren't matching up (this sermon i remember) which is lame as heck. But I guess this whole conversation brought it to light, and so now I guess I can dissect it.

Outburst about smiley face stems from small jealousy which stems from insecurity or lack of trust or both. I felt secure tbh, which is why I wanted to bring it up, just so I could understand and not be upset about my assumption which is what he asked me to do??? He said wouldn't you rather be upset about facts than feelings. And so I ask about it instead of staying upset internally about something I misinterpreted, and suddenly I'm the worst. /:

And of course now it's all good, but I mean idk, first I get railroaded when i internalize it, and then I get put down when I do exactly what he asked?? And of course it's all good now and apologies were made, but I still don't know how to go about it all now, it just leaves me.confused.

But I shouldn't get jealous in the first place, which we are getting back to trust thing, which I do, but I guess maybe I dont say anything when the jealousy does get sparked. Maybe doing nothing about it, not acting out on it, nor bringing it to his attentions and just letting it be is better? Maybe it won't fuel it? Idk. I really don't know what to do and it sucks. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to feel second. And idk which stems, bc I think maybe there's more to it, maybe it also stems from selfishness. He says I don't get jealous of guy friends and that's bullshit. Sometimes I do get a lil hurt when I hear about him hanging out with other friends in general. I just am.able to tell myself that's ridiculous a lot faster and not let it fester. And that's not good either and so all around jealousy is a mess, and I hate that it has it's thorns in my heart

Most of all, it's a fruit of the flesh. And it's not at all something I want to flirt with. All of it is. Selfishness and jealousy and insecurity, those are literally all the opposite of what agape Love is. And love is the first and most important fruit of the spirit. It's what we all ought to strive for in our lives and relationships with everyone, platonic and romantic. It's what I've been studying every morning this week. So maybe this discussion happened at a good time. I maybe wouldn't have been able to reflect as well if this had come up sooner.

So I need to just continue nipping these negative feelings in the bud. In hindsight, I maybe could've compromised with myself. Bc at this point in my journey to become selfless and get rid of these lame flesh based fruits, not saying anything at all might have backfired. There are some thing's, like the call or lunch or working out, that i can nip now that I wouldn't have been able to before, but this little thing meant more in my head. But my compromise with myself would have been to have brought it up better. I didnt use a great tone, even though my intentions were only to bring myself clarity, it wasn't to scold or make ykw feel bad for anything. But it def came across as such. /: I could've used a better tone, a better volume, and worded it much better. Like "hey I noticed there was a smiley next to her name as well as mine, and this is how it made me feel" and then he would've gone through the same thing and showed me all the smileys. Would that have been better? Would he still think the same? Would the outcome have changed? Or would he still say something about my jealousy? I dunno. /:

But God knows I'm trying. And I still will. I just pray I get more light on what I can do or what I should do when I do start to feel that way, so that it doesn't affect any aspect of my life or relationships. I don't want to be like my dad in most regards. And I refuse to inherit his anger, his jealousy, his temperament, closed mindedness, pride, disillusionment, and probs some more i can't think of on the top of my head. And I've done a good job in keeping most of those away from my heart and way of being just because I've always been aware of most of those traits. I didn't even think about the jealousy aspect of my dad before today. Bc digging deeper like where did this start, where did I learn it, etc , I saw it wasn't any of my previous relationships that it stemmed from, I used to have a little jealousy before all of that. So that means dig deeper further. And it led me to my dad and how he would act with my mom sometimes. And I dunno if there is any basis for his jealousy, but there really isn't any basis for mine. Lack of trust in general, sure there's a lil basis, both my exes have been liars, but that still not an excuse. Bc God didn't give us a spirit of jealousy. That's a flesh thing. And I think half of generational curses are just learned behaviors. And of course Jesus gives us the freedom to break any chain, so I am gonna break every single chain that holds me back that won't further the kingdom. Things I don't want my future kids to deal with, ya know? (And it's not all stuff dad did, there are attributes my mom has that I have seen in me that I also watch out for and make an effort to nip) So it's okay that I'm going through this trial and error thing now, it will only make me better and stronger and that's the viewpoint I've gotta keep. I don't have to be who I am,and I will overcome it.