.

1, 2, 3, and 12 for raz psychonauts

starts growling and gnawing on something i fucking love you razputin aquato

1-IM REALLY REALLY BAD AT EXPLAINING WHY I ENJOY THINGS I JUST KIND OF . DO. umm i really like how he Feels like a kid like . hes written As A Kid but not like baby waby but also not a small adult. he does things like impulsively run away w 0 planning, idolize adults in his life, squabble with his siblings, freak out about kissing a girl for the first time while also not understanding the emphasis on romance..hes so 10 years old i think..i love that hes a Good Kid and hes friendly and wants to help people, but he also like. he can be a little shit sometimes. a real stinker. kid that would fortnite dance after setting you on fire. also his autism swag

2-grghgfh mm probably id have to say . the fact that he soso genuinely Wants to help people. like. hes really nice to most of the other campers, sure he teases them and claps back when theyre being dicks, but he seems to genuinely care abt them..remembering all their names and little facts abt them even tho they just met last night..also he goes out of his way to help the thorny towers patients when he Does Not Have To. ik this isnt really an intended thing but if you interact w gloria Before trying to enter the elevator, youll still get the mission to help her. same goes for the other residents but gloria stands out to me the most because you Have to interact w her before talking to crispin. he genuinely genuinely genuinely cares about people so much auuu

3. GOD. WRACKING MY BRAIN. THERES HONESTLY NOT MUCH TO DISLIKE ABT HIM?? like other than ways that psychonauts 1 is a bit outdated . see the use of the g slur . but thats not a character trait of raz thats like . thats bc the game is older than i am. and like, faults that raz has. i Do Not dislike them i think they make him more fleshed out, like how he tends to lowkey ignore boundaries set to do what he thinks is right, i actually really like that it makes him feel more realisitic idk..so honestly i have no answer here, i love raz

I HAVE SO MANY ok the obvious universal ones are that hes autistic and a little funky on gender. everyone knows this i am not unique. uhh i think hed be Awful with pets . this is Not a child u can give a hamster to. i think he and chloe keep in touch after camp, i know this is just bc chloe is one of my favorite but i think they should be friends. i think. i KNOW the fandom loves the whole “raz finally breaks down” thing but i dont think this would happen im sorry . i think raz would be one of those people who think they had a reletively normal and untraumatic childhood until he brings it up to someone and theyre like what. the fuck. uhh i think he likes some typically feminine stuff like makeup and nails..i cant think of anything else off of the top of my head and i cant sit and think bc i have to go to work but raz i love you so much

ask game

basically how i 'met' j (im guna call him j from now on cuz his name starts with j) was the whole tiktok thing but i told my friend hanna and she was like "oh i know him lolz" and i was like WHAA. so they went to primary school together or smn and were in the same friend group, hanna said j isnt as nice as he was in primary school but hes still waaay nicer than his eshay friends (smh)

and baaasically i hadnt told her i liked him or anything he said or did yet but thennn i went to where she sits at lunch to say hi and i was talking abt how my 'friend' (ill call her 👧) liked him and i was a bit angry so hanna asks my best friend (skye) who was with us if i liked him and skye said yes but THE THING IS. they did it without talking so the whole time i was so confused and hanna was doing this thing where it looked like she was shocked (idk i cant read facial expressions lol)

idek what they did but i dont think hanna approves 😻

but before then, i walked past j without freaking out so i went to my friend group and was like "i didnt have a gay panic are u proud of me" and 👧 was wondering who my crush was

the convo went like:

(mind u our school is really big [3000 or so ppl] so we dont know everyone in the school, especially not me with my autistic 'cant tell ppl apart' ass; i cant even tell everyone in my art class apart, ive had art class with them since i started school!)

👧: who do you like?

me: you probably dont know him

👧: what colour is his hair?

me: black 😶

👧: does he have glasses?

me: uhh yeah...

👧: i think ik who ur talking about

me: pfft no u dont, loads of people in this school have black hair and glasses

👧: is he wearing a beige jumper

me: fuck u know who he is.. HOW ON EARTH-

👧: hahaah i have a crush on him

skye: dont u have a boyfriend...

👧: yeah but it doesnt matter. that dude is mine and you better back off

me: dude tf, u dont even know his name. plus i have his insta and u dont

👧: idc back off

me: runs off crying* /j

SO THATS A THING NOW :")

wtfff

sorry but........ 👧 sounds kinda like a bitch? i meaaaaan it's like, you don't even know j's name AND you have a boyfriend? you literally can't call dibs... 🙄

id talk to him on insta. get friendly with him on there, doesn't have to be flirty or anything just befriend him?

tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be  😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

things i’m grateful for

okay preface: i hate the reason thanksgiving was invented ofc but i do love the concept of taking a day to sit back and remind myself of the things in my life that i’m grateful for so here we go (and pls i encourage y’all to take some time and do the same) anyway feel free to read below the cut if y’all want way too much insight into my personal life lmao

my friends

without question, my experience both in the phandom and like in life in general has so massively improved thanks to these lovely people and i can’t say i’d be as happy a person as i am without them

of course my incredible gcs (jolly best friends and dickmates, “moderate sex references”, we have goldfish memories, katashen, and the gc that always changes names lmao) and the lovelies in them @thereisnobearonthisisland @philsroots @uselessphillie @daliensgrandads @severaltortillascollector @dnptrqsh @dip-and-pip-trash @transhowell @dreamdilddy @hey-itskxt @dreamdilddy @freckliephil @philsdrill @phloridas @lovestillaround @legdabs @amczingphil @phantasieslide @maanjha @manialester @sleeplessnightwithphan @phandumb @imnotinclinedtomaturity @auroraphilealis @ineverywordisay @glitterydanandphil @kerasines @workinprogress91 @merridewhoo @natigail @swissfuckingcheesegdi @phastelpink​ @stick-it-to-the-phan @phanarchy

my dearest friends irl with whom i never spend enough time and often bail on bc i’m tired of existing around people, but who never fail to be lovely and kind and wonderful friends anyway. i’ve known them for eight years now and i am so lucky to have found them and to still be friends with them

a very good friend of mine who taught me everything i know about customer service and just being a diligent person (she’s also literally the reason i link everything so uhh thank her lmao) who i consider my lesbian big sister and who i’ve been so so lucky to get to reconnect with and will get the opportunity to work with starting in december and who even remembered one of my fave bands like after literally two years when i only mentioned them one time i love her

my family

whomst thank fuck are not on this hellsite but i love them all dearly

my sister who’s like still figuring her life out and doing a way better job of deciding what she enjoys doing than i ever did and like she’s younger than me but it’s a constant lesson that hey look it’s good to be true to yourself and do what you want. and i’m so grateful that we don’t fight the way we used to, that we’re like partners in crime and that she actually likes spending time with me and thank god she’s not gonna see this bc she thinks i get too sappy sometimes but i gotta make up for hiding her glasses when we were younger and literally forgetting about them for two weeks okay <3

my parents who have always been steadfast supporters even when they don’t love my choices. without them, i wouldn’t be where i am today, i wouldn’t have the level of independence i do today, and honestly i wouldn’t have learned to find the strength to follow my own path. i also can’t thank them enough for supporting even when they don’t understand, like they literally do not understand dnp but my dad found out they were doing ii and asked if i would want tickets for christmas and my mom always asks about my writing

my grandma who, bless her soul, has been completely alone without my grandpa for two years now, after having been with him since she was sixteen, who reminded me (unintentionally) that people who are suffering from mental health issues (she’s had depression for years now) can so greatly benefit from having someone reach out. i’m grateful for our weekly calls where we just catch up, because sometimes i go for a year without seeing her in person (usually just for the holidays) and it’s good to know how things are going with her. i’m also eternally grateful to her for reminding me that people are just people. my parents often talk about her as if she’s some one-dimensional character who only has a handful of (negative) personality traits, and it’s nice to get to know her on my own

the rest of my extended family, who, although i’m not nearly as close to, are still always fun to see during the holidays, and i’m immensely grateful that i don’t have the kind of family that i dread seeing. there’s always entertainment, overflowing alcohol (not that i partake, but everyone else has a fuckin blast with it), and laughter and although i occasionally feel a bit outside the circle (lots of cousins getting married/in relationships/etc and uhhh can’t relate lmao) i never fail to look forward to seeing everyone

y’all

yeah ik it’s cheesy but i do really appreciate y’all so much? like. i just read this note i made to myself abt something unrelated a year ago but i’d offhand mentioned that i was so so thrilled to have almost a hundred people following me. like it just blew my mind that so many people were interested in what i had to say, in my writing at the time, etc. and now,,,,,i mean. jfc i can’t even begin to fathom what i must’ve done to deserve all of y’all, and to deserve you all being so kind. like since the minute i joined tumblr i saw/heard horror stories of mean anons, of people being rude for the sake of it, etc etc. and like. of the literal thousands of asks i’ve gotten, i can count on one hand the number of even vaguely unkind ones. it just makes me so immensely happy to know that such lovely, kind people want to participate in this blog. so please know that i appreciate the existence of every single one of you not just uwu bc u follow me and that’s what i’m supposed to say or w.e but bc you’re out here making a positive impact on the world and on me, and you’re the kind of lovely person that i’m so glad i have the pleasure of existing alongside

dnp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ u knew it was coming, but honestly i am grateful to them as people

they set such fantastic examples for how to be good humans, constantly donating their time to good causes, reminding us to take care of ourselves, and doing their best to figure themselves out which yes is so incredibly important bc it’s this amazing example of how people aren’t any perfect shiny version of themselves, they’re real and raw and imperfect and that’s why we love them???? and by extension, that teaches us self love and love for others

that’s another thing i really didn’t realize at first - how much self-hatred i was harboring, how much internalized homophobia (toward myself! never others) and how much i just accepted about the world (heteronormativity, misogyny, the lack of diversity in media, the list goes on) and a lot of things said by both dnp and by the phandom have helped open my eyes to things like that. and dnp helped me realize that being ace isn’t a bad thing??? which was such a horrible thing i’d held onto for years and years

so i’m so grateful to dnp for existing, for being who they are and how they are and for encouraging the wonderful kindness and acceptance that they want to see in the world

my therapist

and to daniel and depression for convincing me to see one. i’ve let go of a lot of the baggage i was holding onto over the time i’ve been seeing my therapist and i’m grateful to her for, well, doing her job. and for doing it well, and for asking the questions that i didn’t think to ask, to get at things i didn’t think about before. and for reminding me (not directly, but by virtue of her existence) that honesty is one of the most important things to me

my job

or just generally the jobs i’ve had over the years that force me to interact with people, because it’s taught me that nobody’s ever angry or upset for no reason, and that people who are angry or upset and mean are not mean because they’re actually trying to be vicious but because they’re suffering in some way. so it’s a daily reminder to treat everyone with kindness and not take things personally, because ultimately most people are not intentionally vicious people. and i’m grateful to my job for reminding me how meaningful it is to me to help others

#privilegecheck

i think it’s important at this point that i stop and remind myself that i was born with a lot of privilege that makes my life immensely easy compared to others. i’m grateful for my upbringing and the ways that i’ve benefited from my privilege, but i need to acknowledge that i have benefited. not everyone is as lucky, and i need to be mindful of that in the things i do and say, and in the actions i choose to take, and - when i can - i should be using my privilege to help others

and finally, my greatest of thanks goes out to the fic writers, the gif makers, the edit makers, the phan artists, and all the other lovely people who make this community so wonderful

Lolll why do i do this to myself

Hello im finna rant abt my night in an effort to get over it. So. Theres this dude lets call him alejandro. He is mighty. Fine. And one day he decided to put his phone number on my pizza box. I didnt recognize him at the time. This was in mid september. Its december 5 rn btw. Like when he put the number on the box, i hadnt seen his face but i was like. Ehhh lemme entertain the idea. Ok so i texted him right. He was funny and we small talked. Then he kept asking to meet up, and me being the weenie i was, i was hesitant nd would make excuses. So one day he just didnt respond anymore and i was like ok its chill. Bc i thought he just wanted a fuk and im not like that lol (hypocrite). Fast forward like at least 3 weeks later. (So me and my bff here would go get pizza at this place b4 our bio tests. So the first time i went nd got the # was before our 1st bio test. This fast forward is the day b4 the second bio test). So we go in nd get our pizza and we chillin. Btw i completely forgot abt this dude. Nd i didnt even know what he looked like so i didnt expect what came nxt. So i get up to get water and this low sexy ass voice comes up behind me and says my name. And me being dressed so gross look at him and am all confused and shi. He explains who he is and then im like oh fuk he actually hot lmfao lemme actually pay more attention (Shallow ik but it be like that). So im like fuk fuk he fine. He tells me that he lost his phone and so he lost my number or whatever. He is a fuk boy so i didnt trust anything he said to me and i still dont. But he asked for my number again. And i was like sure i got nothing else to do. So we talk and end up meeting up after his shift the next week on a tuesday i think. Its like 11 at night too and we go out. I looked good tbh and he just came from work. He was "nervous" or whatever lol and i still didnt believe him bc i know his type, aka saying anything to get in ur pants. But again, i was just being entertained by him and the idea of him. Bc have i mentioned that he is hot yet? Well yeah. Reason enough to entertain haha. Ok so anywayyy. He is like "i had a few drinks to loosen up a bit bc i am nervous and u r so beautiful" and i was like lol ok ma dood is rlly tryna get somewhere. I met him with no intention of having sex. So like i was just laughing everytime he would be like that. He was like i have a dog and that hooked me in. He was like "we can go to my apartment so you can meet him" and i was like uhh ok hahahhaha just cuz i wanted to see the dog. (Yes im big dumb ik but he seemed chill and i didnt think he would take advantage of me and anyway i know how to fight and wanted to see his dog). we went to the bar he works near cuz he said he wanted more drinks and he had to give some dude something. We were sitting at the bar and all of a sudden he gets a call from someone named "lola" with heart emojis and kissy faces. So im like uhhh tf lols. I make my friend call me and i change her name in my phone to "antonio" with the same emojis. And tell her to call me in 5 min. So when his chick called him he grabbed that hoe and silenced it and put it in his pocket. I ignored it bc i didnt want him to think i was looking. Then she kept calling until he said he needed to take it and he went outside. So when he got back i got my friend to call me. When the "antonio" pulled up on my phoen i turned it around real fast and put my phone away. I didnt know if he saw it but i felt content. (Petty i know). We kept talking like normal, no mention of two names. So we finally got in his car to go see the doggo after an hourish. Side note. So he wanted to fuk me. I could tell very clearly. But i still said no. He asked to kiss me in the car and lemme tell you. This man KNOWS how to fuking kiss. Dam. He asked me and i was like ok then do it. And ugh worst choice of my life bc i literally dream of his kisses. Ok so we drove to his appt. He was tugging on me, pulling me by my jeans belt loops to his actual door step when we got there. Fuking hot af. Dam. And he was just being so sexy the entire night it took so much to be controlled. On the way to drop me off i asked him if he had a gf. And he was like no. And he asked me the same thing and i said no too. Then i said dontchu lie to me. And he was like u either. Then i wAs like im not lying. THEN HE ASKS "WHO IS ANTONIO THEN" and im laughing inside bc im like this bich rlly saw after less than a second of it pulling up on my screen. So i ask "who is lola" then we both just sit there. I couldnt say antonio was a lie bc technically i was talking to a guy named antonio we just werent official. But ok so that was the intro to that whole issue. Later when he was dropping me off...( we stayed in the appt for like 20 min btw, i saw the dog and we brought him with us and he changed bc he smelt like pizza from work) so he parked his car and basically we made out for hours in the trunk of his car. Again. Great . Kisser. And so am i hehe so it was fun. Ok so the next couple of days we hung out doing the same thing for hours and on that thursday we went out out. Aka. I got dressed up and we got drinks. He is older too so he bought me drinks and i got tipsy. He was smoking he hotboxed his car like a stupid when we were parked. The security guards showed up and asked if everything was good and they smelled the goods and i got so scared lol bc i was drunk and there were the goods on school property. But it was all ok thankfully they just asked us to move. So he moved and we didnt go to that spot again. But when he dropped me off he was lying to me. He told me he didnt have a gf but he was still doing gf things with lola. I told him i didnt care as long as he was honest. But he was lying so i got annoyed and left the car. He pulled me to come back in but i didnt let him. I went to austin that weekend so i didnt talk to him then. So i texted him bc i was in a mood and wanted to kiss him bc its addicting and we hang out that next week. Same thing. We park the car. Make out intensley in the back of his car. Get near sex but never there bc i dont trust the dude that much. THEN WEDNESDAY WHEN WE HUNG OUT. WHEN HE DROPPED ME OFF. HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME NOT TO CATCH FEELINGS WHICH MADE ME MAD. SO I LEFT. By this time we had talked abt my view on relationships. He knew i didnt want one and that i just liked kissing him. Plus i knew that he had lola nd i am not in the buisness of competing for a relationship i dont even want. I just liked him for sex things, in no way did i want more. Which he knew bc everytime we hung out we would make out yeah, but also talk bout shit. He told me that lola apparently thought they were dating just cuz she assumed so but he nvr asked her out or to be gf Nd bf so he didnt consider them exclusive but he didnt want to tell her upfront bout me to spare her feelings. (Stupid logic. Ik) but imo. He digs his own grave, if he doesnt mind being in that complicated position, imma use him for his good kissing nd buying me things. :). Ok so that wednesday he said that shit to me was halloween btw. That thursday i textd him to hang bc. Well yanno. He told me he was busy but he would let me know.ME BEING A DUMB ASS WAITED FOR HIM. But to no avail. He didnt text me back and i felt like shit. So i made my friends go out with me and i drank nd danced my sadness away. Fast forward a week later. Since he didnt text me that night i was like fuck it im not texting him nd he obvi didnt text me like the lil shit he is. Then a week later i get a mf text. from LOLA. She is like. " hi im alejandros gf and incase u dont belive me here are pics, i just wanna know what u guys did" nd i was like lmfao dafuq. She sent me actual pics of them nd i was like uhhh ok sis this is so randome, i hadnt talked to him for a week by that time nd i thought i wouldnt talk to him again. I texted her back saying sorry nd tat i didnt kniw they were dating dating bc he nvr said that. Had i known they were exclusive i wouldnt have messed with him. I responded nd she blocked me? After she saud it was ok or whatever. I didnt say abything rude so idk y i got blocked but anyway. I figured she blocked me on his phone too just cuz thats what she seemed like she would do. Even tho i wasnt gunna text him lol i didnt feel comfy seeing him again anyway plus he told me he was going to europe soon anyway so i wasnt concerned with talking to him at all. Fast forward a lot more to yesterday. December 4. More than a month after i last talkedto him. I thought he was in europe. I was straight chillin. Got finals this week. I went to the coffee shop i always go to.( Which happens to b right by the pizza place but again i thouggt he was GONE GONE and didnt expect to see him ever again tbhh. He made it sound like he wouldnt come back from europe So i knew what we had was a fling which is what i had wanted. I just wanted it to last longer than 2 weeks which was why i was a lil upsetty when he hadnt answered me that thursday.) So im working with my friend carter and im talking bout our oral final then i see alejandro walk in nd talk to the coffee shops owner who i had known was his friend but alejabdro dont like coffee so i double nvr thought id see him in the coffee shop. I literally panicked bc i hate suprises like this. I literally knew he was there but didnt say shit to him. I kept working with carter and when he walked out ( since i was sitting by the door already) i looked up at my friend but didnt make eye contact with alejandro. But he saw me for sure and he slowed down a bit too but didnt say shit. I was meeting my girl squad at the coffee shop later anyway so to see what happened i suggested we all get pizza and split it before we started working. So we went in and i was nervous as fuking heck so idk why i even suggested going there. But anyway. Lemme give names to the two girls out of squad who are the most relevant for the story. We got amy (who i changed contacts name to antonio. She is my bff here) and claire who is one of my better friends too and had known abt my situation with alejandro but who has never seen him in person like any had. (Amy was with me the night he put the number on the pizza box and the other night i saw him for the first time). Ok soooooo he brought my friends our pizza when it was done but i completely ignored him and didnt make eye contact bc im a lil bich haha. And i was tryna avoid him. He literally was staring at my friends. At me. Bc i was facing away from him (thank god) and everytime id look to the side to claire to talk i saw him there just watching me. I needed to refill my water so i waited till he wasnt leaning against the wall staring until i made a run to the water machine. So i run there fill my water and all of a sudden i hear his deep sexy voice. (Fuk i had missed it lmfao). He is like "i get out at 9 can we talk i want to explain it to you. Me and lola had a big falling out and i want to talk to you abt it" i was like fuk fuk. Amy was there and amy dont like alejandro no more bc she thinks he a cheater so i was scared at what she would do to me if i went bc she is very agaisnt him now. But either way i said yes bc i wanted closure and im adumb bich. So i kinda nodded and walked back to my seat. I had drinken regular milk at the coffee shop earlier and im lactosentolerant lols and since i was already hella nervous i had an awful stomach ache so i decided to go to my room. He literally ran after me and was like "yo can we please hang today like i missed you" (lol right) and i was like yes we can whatever blah blah blah. Amy ran after me to see if i was ok and i was like ya im fine. So i met with him later. He picked me up and we went to the bar and drank some. And smoked some. Then went to his appt. I told him from the begining no sex again. And tbh i thought he stopped talking to me after halloween bc i didnt wanna have sex with him. Even tho that thursday i texted him, i was literally planning on doing it but he didnt text me back. So. Anywayyy we went to his appt he explained his fuk up. We had a freaking great time. And i literally hate it bc he knows what to do to me and its amazing. We were supposed to hang out today too but he never called me. And i would have texted him but my number is still blocked in his phone. Either he is stupid and didnt undo it on accident ( which i think is more likely bc he said he wanted to see me again and how amazing i am and blah blah blah) or maybe he just dont want me anymore lmfao. Either way. I wanted to see him today and im big upset that he is a lil shit bc i want my mf fling and to get attention in that way. So yeah. He is still a great kisser. And he leaves for europe on the 16th and my surgery is on the 18th and i cant kiss no one or have sex for a long ass time after that how so i wanna fuk around while i can yanno. Esp with him. So idk what imma do. Uhm yeah. Also he literally shows up again in my life when im just over it or when im super horny. And idk why tf this happens. It makes me so mad bc its awful timing and im just pulled right back in. At least on the 16th im saying bye forever and thats great. Ok story over if i remember more i will update. :)))))