only the young + heroes of our time

so...im working on two different original works rn. i really wanna stop but im on a roll rn and 'HOOT' (heh lol) is getting its outline done quite nicely. main character: franchesca 'fran' beldami. she's by far one of my best written characters to date and im posting her character profile soon too as well as most of the main characters of 'OTY' but i feel like i went too overboard in describing their likes/dislikes?

i swear i wrote an english essay trying to write joshua kamble

...

been wringing my hands about the concept of family therapy. scary stuff. like maybe it could help and we sure as hell need SOMETHING to change but i think it would be like taking a potato peeler to the soles of my feet

✩°｡‘ A POE CUP TO REMEMBER

xavier thorpe x fem!reader

words: 3k

genre: smut, slowburn romance (kinda), flirting, teasing, fingering

a/n: im not great at creating a fanfic, so expect grammatical errors and typo’s ahead !! i hope you enjoy this ♡

you were the new student at nevermore. you were assigned to be roommate with the girl named enid. she was practically a werefolf and a all-rounder gossip girl at the school. she tour you to the hallway where all the students gather there, there was a werewolves, sirens, and many more. “oh, and that girl bianca, he dated our tortured artist, xavier thorpe” she said, pointing the guy who was painting at the wall. he looked at you and not a minute he continues to focus at his drawing.

after the tour, you relaxed a while at your dorm. it was raining outside, “enid, i’m just gonna go downstairs, just catching some raindrops” you said. enid just nodded and continue to dance all by herself. while walking outside, you saw the statue falling above you, but someone pushes you away from it. causing yourself to be unconscious.

after the incident where the statue almost hit you on the head, luckily a student saved your life.

you wake up at the room, seeing a guy beside you, he was already standing, perhaps waiting for you to open your eyes. you immediately get up causing him to sit quickly. “nurse said you dont have a concussion, anyway, im glad you’re awake” he muttered. ”its because im not, and will never be. and the last thing i remember is i was walking alone 'til i saw a statue falling to me.” you said while looking at him. “and, how did you even get there that fast? i believe there was no one when i walked there, i was alone” you added, it was a mixture of confusion and embarrassment. he clicks his tongue before replying to your statement, “call it instinct” he said. “instinct, huh? well, dont expect me to gave you a gratitude or something. its quite unreal to myself giving someone like that” you said while fixing your posture to face him. “mm-hmm. you know, most people just say thank you” he said, looking at you. “i didn't even requested to be rescued that time” — “and you thought i should have just let that thing smash you to mush?” he replied. “i mean, i could have just save myself” you said while crossing your arms. “too much independent would cause you trouble” he scoffs, you couldn't help but to laugh at what he just said. “id rather have a lots of independent, if i will be honest.” you said, “i know you aren't asking my name, but, im xavier thorpe. you’re the new student here, right? the last time we met, i was about two feet shorter, and 40 pounds heavier” he said, “ah, yes. i do remember you, the guy who was painting earlier on the walls. im y/n ” you muttered. “y/n, sounds good” he said. “i believe i can go now, yes? well, see you around, xavier.” you said, getting up to exit the room. “yeah, see you too” he said looking at you.

a few werewolves were howling at the night. you and enid went to the window to check out. “if you really are a werewolf, why aren't you howling like them?” you asked, its quite different to encounter a werewolf not howling when its full moon. “i cant. my mom says some wolves are late bloomers, but i have been to the best lycanologist” she muttered, she only had a claw, which is awesome because of how she painted it with vivid colors. “i had to fly to milwaukee, would you believe it?” she said, toning disgusted at herself. “what happened next?” you asked, you were interested at it because of how different she was than other wolves here in nevermore. “i would be a lone wolf” she muttered, looking down. “thats quite sorrowful to know about you, what would happen if ever you didn’t wolf out yet?” you said, while you continue to asked her about her condition. “i uh... i’d be kicked out of my family pack with no prospect of finding a mate” she said, the tone was a bit aching to feel. its like a mixture of disappointed and rage of anger. “you’ll wolf out, someday. i can feel it” you said, cheering her up. “thanks, y/n. i do hope so”

the school announce that nevermore will be attending to a harvest festival this night. “hey, are you excited for this event?” enid asked, smiling at you. “yeah, well i guess. i’ll just play some games there basically” you said, smiling a little. “thats great, well, this event me and ajax will meet there too. im so excited!” she said. after arriving at the event, enid and you decided to split up there since she said she was gonna meet ajax, her crush basically. you walked around and play darts, it was a basic one, obviously. while playing, xavier went to you, “jeez, didnt know you get any better at this, i bet you can catch the big one toy here” he said already looking to you. “im good at any games, i have played this since i was seven” you muttered, the balloons went popping and popping 'til you win. “quite a good shot” he compliment, “why dont you go search for your hobbies rather than talking to me” you muttered, looking at him to see that he was smiling. “all right, well then, i’ll play these darts too” he said while keeping his smile there. he was quite great at shooting the darts in the balloon too, there was an emotion that pops up to you out of nowhere. it was a feeling that you had a long time ago, but you couldn't understand what that is, so you shrugged it away. “hey, is your mind full of thoughts?” xavier said, tapping your shoulders. you look at him with a wide eyes, you were spaced out because of the thoughts. you look at him holding a cute bear beside him, seem’s that he win the game too.

“everyone, the principal said we should go watch the fireworks!” a student shouted at the crowds. “we should get going now, y/n” xavier said, pulling you out of the crowds to watch the fireworks. you didn't respond but just nodded at him. the fireworks were amazing, different colors, both of you were smiling each other. “seems that you had a great smile hiding there” he said, smiling at you. you couldn't help but giggled at what he said. it feel like a spark was creating that day, you thought to yourself. “hey y/n? i have something to ask” he muttered, turning around to face you. “spit it out” you said, looking at him. “are you going to the poe cup competition?” he asked, smiling. it looks like he was expecting you to see there. “oh, well, i think i would join too. and i’ll go at enid’s team, if ever she would join too” you said.

and so, the poe cup competition begins. you saw enid and the other students designing the boat. it was black and the design was like a cat figure. you went to look it more closer, enid notice you and wave. “so, you’re going to the poe cup competition?” she asked, smiling as always. “yeah, and i decided that i wanted to be part of your team, if thats what it calls” you muttered. “great! because our team will be having a cute black cat outfit this upcoming event! im sure you’ll love it” she said. “hm, maybe i will. i would check it out if there’s a costume published now” you replied. while enid was helping the others with the boat, you walked away silently and moved somewhere. while looking at the areas, you saw xavier at the archery. he was quite bad at it. you moved closer to have conversations with him, even in a small amount of time. “bad shot, i think you need a mentor for that” you said, crossing your arms. he looked at you with disbelief, “didnt see you coming, are you interested in archery or you’re here to entertain me instead?” he said, smirking while he tried for the second time. “actually, i was just lurking around here, until i saw you” you replied. you started to pick up the bow and a arrow to tried it out. “have you ever tried to handle a bow and shoot an arrow?” he asked. “we’ll see what i can do” you said, you prepared your bow and arrow to shoot it in the red spot. the luck was on your side, the sharp of the arrow went thru to the red spot. while xavier, he was quite impressed at what you did. “impressive, i already think to your statement earlier that you should be my mentor instead” he said, smirking at you. “dont gave me that look, it’s intriguing” you said. “well, see you in the competition, i bet you’ll look nice” you said and swiftly walked away. “is that a flirt or a compliment?” he shoutedly asked to you.

it is now class time and you walked over to the following schedule. you saw bianca and the other sirens looking at you. “there’s an open spot next to me” xavier spoked, you walked beside him and sit. looks like he was sketching something, more like a spider. he moves his hand only to make the sketch of his to move in reality. you can say that it was quite impressive that a sketchy spider can be alive in just by his hands. “admit it, you’re a little impressed” he muttered, looking at you with a smile. “hate to admit that you’re right, i was impressed in that magical hands of yours” — “wanna know what this magical hands can do?” xavier said, you looked at him with a disgust, but your insides says otherwise.

it is now the competition for the poe cup, enid’s team was labeled as black cats, its quite attractive. “hey, y/n! your costume is at the tent! you can wear it now” she said, smiling at you. “oh, thats great news. i’ll go wear it now.” you muttered, the outfit was fitted, and the ears fitted well to you. “OMG, you look purr-fect!” enid said, she walked back to help the others with the whiskers. while xavier walked towards you, “didnt know you’ll look good in black, y/n” he said, looking up and down at you. “you look like a serial killer clown at that costume of yours, thats more than a word attractive to me” you replied, smirking at him. “i considered that as a flirt, i’ll get back that” he said while smiling, he went on to his team and sat on the boat. it was now all settled, everyone was on the boat now. while you were focusing, you notice xavier was looking at you, you went to look at him but he looked to another direction. “i want to wrlcome you all to the edgar allan poe cup!” — “this is one of nevermore’s proudest annual traditions, dating back 125 years. each team must row across to raven island, pull a flag from crackstone’s crypt, and hustle back without sinking or being sunk. first team to cross the finish line with their flag wins the cup and bragging rights for a year, as well ss some special privileges. ”

“let the poe cup begin!” a sound of shotgun bang to the air and all teams swiftly sweep in the lake. one of the teams were suddenly drag on the side of the lake, causing them to bump into the giant figure and sunk. you immediately figured out that someone was trying to ruin the teams, so you immediately made up a plan. you remembered before the competition that you requested enid to put some traps or any thing that can capture in the lake. and this was the great time, you click the button and immediately figured it out that there was a mermaid nearby your boat that was about to sabotage. luckily it was now wrapped by a fishnet and no longer can bother your team. as your boat hit the next task, “stay here and make sure the other teams can't sabotage our boat. im gonna get the flag and perhaps, distract some jokers” you said to enid, you quickly run to the woods to find the crackstone’s crypt, you saw xavier there so you quickly hide from a tree to sabotage him. when you saw xavier is now nearby to you, you rush to pull him somewhere. “hey! we still have a competition, what were you thinking?” he asked, you quickly covered his mouth as you both made your way to the crackstone’s crypt where your flag was. “shush your mouth or my mouth will do it for you” you said while you picked up your team’s flag. “as if your mouth can make me shut up, prove it then” he said pulling you closer to him, you were furious because of what he said, the tone was underestimating you. you pull him closer to gave him a peck of kiss, and run away from him. he was about to gave it all but all he gotten was frustration from you for teasing, as you now go back to your teams, xavier also came back as well. while your team is at the lake coming back for the finish line, the mermaid was back again at the lake, trying to destroy your team’s boat, but you didn’t want to disappoint your friend neither anyone. so, you decide to swim over down to pull the mermaid back on what he needs to be. you pull his tail down to the lake and luckily, he swim away. you went back to the boat because of the water suffocating your lungs. your team fastly sweep the lake back to the nevermore, you and the team also sabotage the bees boat to slow them down. luckily, your team won after the competition. a lots of students was shocked after the competition, because all they knew is that bianca, herself, will always win. not until you were now part of the nevermore.

not until xavier pulled you to his dorm. you knew you’re fucked up.

“oh, so you’re into teasing, isn’t? teasing me in the middle of competition, you planned this, didn’t you y/n?” he asked, he was now pinning you against the wall, letting out his anger and frustrations at you. “would you be done if i said yes? or what? you’re gonna do something to me, you little fratboy” you muttered, you moved away yet his hands grab you and push you to bed. “oh yeah? actually, i have something to confess before i start something fun” he said while looking up and down to you with a smirk. “spit it out xavier, i dont wanna wait” you stated, “you know, ever since the harvest festival, i already have feelings for you. and i cant get you off my mind, and in the meantime, i’ve always wanted to have intimate with you, hopelessly devoted to get you” he said, you were shocked after what he just said. you didn’t know what to feel, the heat was getting higher and higher, it was so intense. all this time trying to shrug your feelings towards him, he finally cleared it out. you couldn’t express it properly so you pulled him to a kiss, he kissed back to you that is no eager, so needy. it looks like he have been waiting patiently for this to happened. his tongue swiftly made his way to your mouth, causing you to moan in the kiss, his hands went thru your boobs to massage it softly, your back arch because of it. both of you cut the kiss to breath first. “your outfit looks good, but you’ll look good without them, love” he said, pulling off your costume. “i didnt know jokers were into rough sex, quite fascinating to discover” you muttered, taking off his hat and running your fingers to her hair. “oh dont worry, my magical hands can do so much in you, also my mouth. just watch” he muttered, after he successfully took off your costume, you also pulled his clothes off and throw it somewhere in the room.

“lay down” he demanded, you did what he told to avoid more argues. “well look at that, such a beautiful sight for my eyes. its more than what i sketch about this” he muttered, he leans closer to your core and gives it a lick. you muffled at his action, “dont f-fucking tease xavier, please” you begged, he looked at you with a smirk in his face. “that’s a revenge for making me hard on the competition, beg more, love, maybe i can give what we both needed” he suggested, rubbing circles in your pussy. “p-please, xavier... i-i didn’t really meant to tease you that time, i j-just really want to feel your lips. please, xavier” you explained, arching your back to give signals to him to continue. “i’ll believe for now” he said, as he positioned himself at your core to have a taste. he leans closer and licks it. you moaned his name causing him to continue to eat you out. he puts kisses and licks at your pussy, even biting it, causing you to moaned loudly and continuously arch your back several times. but xavier wasn’t satisfied with, he push a finger inside of you while he continues to eat you out. you pulled his hair while continuously moaning his name. “fuck, your mouth is really good, p-please continue, im close” you said while rolling your eyes because of the pleasure. xavier nodded and pushes one more finger inside you and started to push in and out with a more pace of speed. while his mouth is busy tasting you more and more. “a-ah! im coming!” you shouted, “come on me love” in the exact time he said that, you come in his mouth. he took off his fingers and licks it, tasting you. “you taste delicious than my daily meal” he muttered, leaning you for a kiss, the kiss was passionate. you kissed back and wrapped your arms around his neck. “i’ll help you clean up, and overall, what happened between us is amazing. and i want to ask you out for a date after?” he said, “of course, and, we’re gonna be lovers after all” you replied.

heyyyy! First of all I just wanted to say that you are so eloquent and informative in the way you speak about the law and I really appreciate your tough love approach. I’m reaching out because I feel utterly stuck. For the past two years (when I first discovered the law) I have been trying (and I use this word only for clarity purposes) to manifest my dream life and seemingly failed at every turn (no sp - in fact he feels farther away than ever, no financial freedom, anxiety and intrusive thoughts, etc) I feel like I am in a limbo world rn where I understand how the law works, what is required of me (changing self) but nothing seems to change. I feel scared that this is all in vain that at the end of the day I am wasting my time and energy. That I should just move on. But that feels like quitting and I HATE quitting. I just feel like I’m on the precipice of it all clicking but I don’t know how to get myself to that point.

I understand you get asks probably just like this one all the time. Thank you for all you do in this community. You’re truly the best 💋🩵🥹🤍

thank you so much for your kind words, im glad my approach has helped you! you say you seemingly fail at each turn... who is deciding that? the 3D? you looking AT the 3D and going "yup! this neutral situation means my manifestation didnt happen/isnt happening!" you say you know what is required of you and know you have to change self, but also said nothing seems to change which I assume you mean internally nothing has shifted (which is why your reality is the way it is). If you had truly changed self and remained true to that FOR YOURSELF and NOT to see it in the 3D, you wouldnt be sending this ask. How is it wasting your time and energy when: 1. manifestation is effortless, natural, and your very being 2. manifestation is instant the very second you assume you have something 3. you are doing this for YOUR OWN wellbeing and fulfillment 4. this is NOT a process, this is not a job you get rewarded for the more time and energy you put in you have to go to the root for why you feel so bound to the 3D. the only reason why you feel this way is because somewhere deep down you use the 3D for validation and when "nothing happens" you think youer doing something wrong or that all of this is in "vain" because you never actually grasped what fulfillment means to you. fulfillment isnt doing something in imagination and trying to feel good because you think it will reflect by doing so. it means choosing yourself despite everything else and not letting a mirror decide who YOU are. I cant tell you if you should move on or not, that isnt anyones decision but yours. read this thread for more info on moving on. i would suggest you reevaluate where your focus and intentions have been if you continue this journey because i guarantee youve been returning to the 3D more often than you think and basing your "movement" off a mirror when the mirror looks at YOU for validation. what is required FOR YOU to change self? ask yourself this question and be honest.

Idk if its something but there is something just so deep in the way Alan doesnt think of either of the novels he wrote under the influence of dark presence as “good books”

Like he thinks of them as a means to an end, as a way to save Alice, or to escape, whatever BUT a creation that he’s proud of

Like hear me out— i know it should be obvious, considering his books literally altered reality and killed some people, but Alan in general tends to focus only on his worst traits so all that we hear about him is that he’s arrogant proud prone to anger

Like i personally like the pages of the manuscript — the whole thing with the edits is great, and the prose of it is simply wonderful in all games

But Alan doesnt write to make it good or to enjoy it or whatever

“The story is a monster” is so tragic because while he was influenced byt the dark presence, it is still his art in its core and there should be a degree of “i made this im proud of this” but there isnt

Pages of the manuscript as collectibles feel really interesting because they can help you, they describe what’s happening, but they are scattered around. And while we can assume its the scratch of the dark presence scattered them to make rhetorical story harder to understand, its also possible that it’s because unconsciously Alan doesnt really want anyone to read them or find them in the first place. He gives Saga the important ones to go further, but nothing more

Like i don’t consider myself a particularly arrogant writer but if i was in his place, i would have probably been still kinda proud i wrote it all, me writing has power

He isnt

Alan Wake 2 shows us Alan having multiple mental breakdowns solely because he has too keep writing. He doesn’t hate the process, thats the thing, we can see he still finds it interesting. But he hates the power it has, the influence and he wants to stop but he cant

This is possibly the realest thing in this game because a lot of times this is what writing feels like. You cannot stop you need to write this isnt a choice it plagues your mind until you give it to paper and afterwards its on its own

Idk idk i dont think it’s necessarily that deep, but the game just does such a great job of portraying so many themes

lines so? fucking raw? i cant believe theyre from tdp

"lots of things are hard. like magic, but you figured that out didn't you?" "...yeah. somehow relationships seem harder."

"history demands nothing! i make history. it does not make me."

"we all want peace and we all want love, but violence tests us. in a twisted way it converts us to its cause. because pain and loss feel so terrible inside, you want to hate. you want to hurt someone else... people are still hurting, and they are still angry. we can't ignore that. or pretend it will go away. somehow we have to hold it all in our hearts at the same time. we have to acknowledge the weight of pain and loss, but open up our eyes and allow ourselves to hope and maybe forgive and love again."

"we gain nothing if we throw away the chance to learn and grow."

"back then, when i was just a little one, the other elves saw me as a doe. but i knew. i always knew, that i was a buck. i chose [this] name." 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

"i'm a mess" "no, you're not. it's okay."

"you're too good to feel this bad about yourself."

"most people believe that reality is truth and appearances are deceiving. but those of us who know[,] understand we can only truly trust the appearance itself. you can never touch the so-called reality that lies just beyond the reach of your own perception."

"it seems i am a crown without and adult, and you're an adult without a crown."

"justice [is] more than fair decisions and fair consequences. true justice [is] a fair system. the blindfold gives us a way to test the system. that i should use it to imagine i had not been born yet, and that i did not know if i would be born rich or poor, what color my skin would be, what culture or practices my family would have. that a fair system should be fair no matter the accident of my birth. that the rights, and laws, and opportunities within the system should stand to protect and empower everyone."

"i've had his letter for a few days now, but i-i just can't bring myself to open it. i don't know. i know it sounds crazy, but it's like, right now, there are words he hasn't said to me, and they're all right in there. they're just waiting to come to life. but then once i read it... once i read the last word... then he'll really be gone. forever."

"i know i'm not your birth father, but in my eyes and in my heart, you are my son. i see myself in you. i'm proud of you. and i love you unconditionally."

"the great lie of history. advisers and scholars will tell you that history is a narrative of strength. they will recount stories of the rise and fall of nations and empires. they will be stories of armies, battles, and decisive victories. but this isn't true strength. it's merely power. i now believe true strength is found in vulnerability... in forgiveness, in love. there is a beautiful, upside-down truth, which is that these moments of purest strength appear as weakness to those who don't know better."

"i've tried to be selfless as a king, but, as a father, i have a selfish wish. and that is for you to be free. reject the chains of history. do not let the past define your future, as i did. free yourself from the past. learn from it, understand it, then let it go. create a brighter future from your own hearts and imagination."

"sweet words can be more dangerous than hidden daggers."

"i feel so overwhelmed with everything, i-i have so many thoughts, things racing through my head." "sometimes you just need to focus on the present, take a deep breath, and just be. sometimes, things can get so complicated that our minds can't quite sort them out alone. but when you slow down and let yourself breathe, your spirit and your body can catch up with your mind, and help out."

"to know something truly, and deeply, you must know it with your head, hand, and heart. mind, body, and spirit. i love you with all of myself, and i always will."

"i think i've heard about this... a philosophy of accepting you are already dead... so you will not fear death. what a beautiful challenge you've given me. i must come up with something you will fear... more than death."

"we're all a mess sometimes. me? i'm usually a mess."

"there is a cycle in the world. life and death. it is at the core of all things. the moon embodies this cycle. bit by bit it will fade away: then bit by bit it will brighten. death is frightening. birth can be as well. yet they are two things that connect us all. kings and commoners, rich and poor, elf and human--each one is equally vulnerable in the beginning and in the end. let that fact be humbling. let it bind us together. remember that as life inevitably leads to death, so also does life come from death. this is a cycle, not an ending. for those you have left behind, think on all they have given you. for those who will come after you, think on all you will give to them. know that you are always connected."

"white lies are illusions you build with your words to protect the hearts of those you love."

"they're gone. i'm never going to be okay with that, but i guess i have to face it."

"you're not doing this without me. i let you jump into [there] alone and i knew right away i made the biggest mistake of my life. i could have lost you. we do this together. don't try to change my mind." hindsight is a bitch

"i like being alive."

plsplspls rb with urs

ok but something ive never heard anybody talk abt ever and they should

tourettes omo

or at least tics, i understand why it may be a touchy subject bc awareness and stuff but like as someone with tourettes can i just say

i get bladder tics

and theyre luckily on the rarer side but like, it is literally ill just be doing stuff and then essentially suddenly either actually just wetting myself, or so ungodly close to it as im fighting the waves of desperation accompanying the muscle spasms and its

actually crazy

but like could you imagine your fc who has ts or some other tic syndrome (ts au ? medication ? idk man) and theyre hanging out with friends just doing whatever or something like that, and basically they just start wetting themselves out of nowhere, leading to prying questions (good naturedly or not) about why they didnt go if they had to that badly

maybe theyre peeshy and this kind of thing is semi normal already; or they arent, and they then have to delve into explanations on the fact that either they didnt know/didnt have to go, met with varying degrees of belief, or that they did know, but they also were certain it wasnt near close to bad enough to have an accident yet, and maybe through rambling even admitting straight up that they literally just pissed themselves regardless of need.

or if they didnt even wet fully, anywhere from a rather messy leak that they cant hide, similar to above; to one thats smaller and less obvious, but maybe they freeze up in a really conspicuous way, still bringing attention to themselves, and maybe they suck at playing it off, or just have really pushy/concerned friends, or both, so they end up still having to admit to just having peed themselves a little, despite there being no immediately visble/no visible damage, and then try to explain that they arent in desperate need of a bathroom despite that

or maybe they are. maybe now their body is confused and theyre teetering on the edge of a full accident all of a sudden. and of course theres the constant worry nagging in the back of their head that theyll tic again and lose it the rest of the way, but also trying not to think about it for fear that focusing on it too much will make it happen, which is an entirely real possibility

not to mention any tics that arent actually their bladder, but help just as little, for instance, i get vocal tics but they arent often real words, so like,, invlountary whines and groans that have nothing to do with anything but sound so desperate, paired with jerky/restless movements that arent a real potty dance but at this point only the one ticking themselves can tell the difference; which doesnt matter much in the end anyway, as theres still a real chance theyll wet regardless

or someone who is actually rather desperate, and theyre trying to play it off for one reason or another, but despite their control in terms of potty dancing, they continually lose focus on their tics, which eventually simulate the same thing, and they keep drawing attention to themselves anyway

the absolute confusion and misdirection it causes for everyone else because no one can ever tell when they actually have to go, and eventually they learn that it doesnt really matter if their bladder isnt already completely empty (which only really lasts for like 5 min after using the bathroom if that, so)

hey, could you maybe help?

Im looking for a Polivia fic (that i can find for the love of myself)…

its Polivia (duh), and they are not together in the beginning… I cant tell much more, only that it is after the re-switch, and that Olivia is working through her PTSD, up to the point where she is in an elevator and gets really claustrophobic, and Peter is distracting her by either making out with her or (cant remember if I don't mix those up) by giving her something else to focus on…

you know the story by any chance…?

Thank you, and Merry Crhistmas ;))

Merry Christmas, friend!

And admittedly I don’t know a huge catalogue of Polivia fic. However, that sounds distinctly like Shivered Bones by @elialys. And even if it’s not the same one, you should absolutely read it. The angst and hurt/comfort are sublime, the love is heartwarming, and the smut is delicious. 1,000,000/10

Hope this helps. ❤️

Too many interactive games these days are forcing represantation of dark skinned characters for clout like that actually helps gain more readers.. Maybe that can be good if there's a balance🤷but having only one for me available to romance isn't making the game any fun considering that she is a traitor, and I cant even pronounce half the ethnicities of the others. You should at least consider adding more.

I will try to answer this as calmly as possible, but know that I only did so because this wasn't the first time that I got an ask similar to this. I'm also not answering any more like it in the future to avoid further discourse (it's just tiring lol). Some people just can't behave.

First of all, anon, I don't know why you'd accuse a writer of color that they're chasing clout all because most of the ROs are of color, too. Is it so difficult to understand that perhaps I'm a lot more comfortable with that? You speak of balance, but maybe think about the balance within the IF community with regards to the amount of characters of color properly represented by authors in comparison to white characters.

Meaningful representations for PoCs are already hard enough to see in every form of media, even in IFs. Usually they're not written with enough understanding and education, making them feel... not genuine at all, sometimes bordering into fetishization. Issues arise because some authors can't be bothered to research and take some time to figure out how the character's background has influenced them in a realistic manner. So yeah, as a PoC myself, I don't think I have the responsibility to concede into writing more white characters than I've meant to with that in mind. I’m actually glad more writers of color are slowly emerging in this community now.

In addition to that, you already have enough control of the main character; I'm not going to let you do that with characters I've spent a lot of time working on just because you're not a fan of the ethnicities they have (tbh you’re really just being racist here). Is that rude of me to do? I don't know, maybe you think so, but for the first time in my life I’m able to represent my own ethnicity alongside other minorities, and this ask is really not making a case as to why I shouldn't.

P.S. If I had wanted clout, I would have made a simple cop IF without the nuances that come along and the underlying issues I aim to put focus on. Maybe if I had done so, I wouldn’t have received nasty police-defending asks in my inbox for the past year.

3 and 4 for the ask game! <3

Thank you, Honey! <3

3: If this work is an update/new chapter, how do you stay motivated on multi-chapter works?

this is a great question for me because i am so often unmotivated haha. but what's helped me is first and foremost only writing when i feel like writing. i can't force words, it's like pulling teeth and i never like what i've written when i force it. and that goes hand in hand with my other motivator which is patience (something i'm still learning lol). the time between my chapter updates is literally getting longer and longer and that bums me out... but for this last chapter i really did need that break. i told myself it was okay to not think about the AU for a while and just focus on irl stuff.

listening to the playlists that i've made also really helps get the creative juices flowing haha, as well as seeing anyone mention the fic. knowing people are still interested in reading helps immensely.

4: What’s the most challenging part about posting new/updated work? Do you find posting stressful or invigorating?

keeping track of my notes and all the details i want to include, contemplating how they will show up again in the future, or how it will be resolved, or if i should include it at all... i've had to push aside several plot points or just fun little moments that i want to get to but realistically won't fit in a a chapter. i have to remind myself that, for BitB, we literally have 16 more shows to go. i will have time to write everything i want.

and for a new chapter, especially this latest one, im always worried about adding too much fluff. every moment, every interaction has reason. and for Bolt in the Blue in particular, im terrified of stagnancy. as we enter each new city, the chapters are going to change. we're not always going to be on the stage. we're not always going to focus on the city, or on Endless, or on Hob even! my biggest fear is falling into predictability, which is almost the opposite of touring lol.

because of all this (and more, i could go on lol) i find posting very stressful lmao. this fic is my baby and i want so much for it to be good. which is why posting new chapters is very invigorating as well. i'm always eager to finally share what i've written. i still cant believe my silly little band au turned into something so many people enjoy <3

Fanfic Q&A for Bolt in the Blue

lando may have decided to become a columnist for them, but i wont pass on an opportunity to help u guys boycott the telegraph & avoid giving them ad money. this is why i have pasted the entire lando column under the cut - enjoy the read

What a crazy week. And what a crazy race in Monaco on Sunday. It is difficult to put into words what it feels like to be out there on a day like that, with millions of people watching around the world. The downpours, the delays, the absolute 100 per cent focus and concentration needed to go out there and race in those conditions. On the limit. That is what we are all in Formula One for as drivers. That feeling. Crossing the line at the end was a mixture of happiness and, if I am honest, also relief. To have survived unscathed. Especially after the week I had with tonsillitis. 

It was annoying to lose fifth place to George Russell but we can be proud of sixth. Proud of the way we battled after a tough week. I really was pretty ill at one point. In fact, had the race been a big flyaway I might even have been a doubt for it. But I’m so glad we toughed it out in the end. 

I know there have been questions asked about the delays on Sunday; whether the race could have got going sooner than it did. But honestly, I think the stewards got it about right. 

I would have been asking the same questions myself as a spectator. We all want the best show possible. But it was not safe. Believe me, as drivers, you are desperate for any opportunity to move up the field. Particularly at a track like Monaco where overtaking is nigh on impossible.

'You couldn't see five metres in front of you'

But it is only when you are actually in a Formula One car, feeling brake temperatures, the tyre temperatures, the grip levels, that you can truly appreciate what is possible and what is not. What is safe and what is not. And it was not safe on Sunday. You literally couldn’t see five metres in front of you during that first attempt to get the race under way. 

Ultimately, it is me that is risking my neck out there. We all saw the consequences of one tiny error on Sunday. Mick Schumacher missed the apex of the right-hander at the Swimming Pool and positioned the car just a fraction offline - maybe no more than 10cm - and that was it. Game over.

[photo of mick w his haas that i cant b bothered to embed - u guys watched the race u know what it looked like]

The truth is we are all millimetres away from having a crash like that every single lap. It can be something as small as hitting a bump slightly wrong, or missing a gear change. That is what makes it so intense.

At turn one alone I reckon there were six, seven, eight times during that race when I braked and thought ‘I’m in the wall here!’ When you’re trying to recover from a lock-up, and position the car to give yourself the best opportunity of making it round. 

Everything happens so fast but you’re almost on autopilot, doing everything instinctively. They are not nice moments to have and seeing a crash like Mick’s does shake you up. It was a relief to see him walk away.

'Monaco is an incredible test of nerve and skill'

But that is Monaco. And that is why I believe it should stay on the calendar. Not only is it an iconic venue, it is an incredible test of nerve and skill. When you are in the zone, as I was in the last 10 laps, it feels amazing. The qualifying experience at Monaco is even better; seeing who is prepared to take those risks, who can find that extra little you need in Q2 and Q3. I enjoy that and thrive off it. I was able to put in some good laps on Saturday. I think I was only around 0.2sec off Charles Leclerc in P2.

Of course I wish there was something they could change to make racing better at Monaco. But it is hard when you have cars which are over two metres wide and weigh what they do now. I heard Toto Wolff suggest they could get rid of the chicane after the tunnel and have a long straight. That might work. Then again, the approaching speed to the next corner would probably be north of 300kph, which is pretty spicy into a corner where there is no runoff!

[photo of lando chatting to carlos and max bc the telegraph wants to remind their readers of why lando would b a relevant f1 columnist as if lando himself isnt an f1 driver]

Hopefully over the next few years we can find a solution but I’m definitely keen for it to remain part of the calendar. 

Mind you, I probably would say that having moved to Monaco over the winter. I am enjoying it there. I am not sure I am yet comfortable calling it a home race. Silverstone is my home race. But the experience of living there and racing there was nice. It is such a different feeling going back to your own bed. A two-minute scooter ride into the track each morning. It really helped after the week I had. 

I was diagnosed with tonsillitis on the Thursday of the previous race in Barcelona and my symptoms got progressively worse through that race weekend; cold sweats, fever, aching muscles. By Sunday my throat was so sore it was like swallowing daggers. I could barely drink because it hurt so much. Anything I did get down I would throw up again five minutes later anyway. 

Breathing was also a real struggle in the car, especially with your heart rate way above normal and that ferocious heat in Spain. The heat, the carbon off the brakes. It was an unpleasant experience. That was the first race in which I have used a drinks bottle and it really saved me. I had to sip after every lap. Had I not, I went downhill fast.

I was lucky that my trainer and team doctor came and stayed with me in Monaco in the early part of last week. And by Thursday, when my parents arrived, I was just about back up and running, although I did cancel all of my media commitments as I could barely speak. In the end, it turned into a magical weekend, and having my parents and my girlfriend staying with me made it all the more special. 

Not that I celebrated. I don’t really drink at the best of times. If I ever win a race they are going to have to find me something other than champagne as I cannot stand the stuff. Instead I went back to my flat and had a quiet night in watching the Indy500. Pato O’Ward did an amazing job taking second place for McLaren’s IndyCar team, which was cool. Those guys have massive cojones. 

I am not sure you will ever see me racing the Indy500, although I do fancy giving sports cars a go one day so Le Mans is a goal. For now, my focus is all on F1. The weekend has given me renewed motivation and I cannot wait for Azerbaijan next week.

i think everything else couldve been much worse. i couldve been unemployed for far longer, i couldve ran out of money way sooner, i couldve became homeless and spiraled into addictions and such. all that stuff. but with loneliness........ in the end, its strangely comforting to think that it was really all there could be. i thought about it during my walk... and you know, while im not much better yet - i still only really talk to people at work about work things - at least i can open my mouth and hear my own voice, speaking. because having like.. no one, absolutely no one to talk to, being completely silent for days, its so horrifying.

at some point, i think it must have been december, maybe late november, i couldnt even bring myself to talk without breaking down in tears. it all feels a little foggy, now, blurred into one, but talking to myself, trying to sing on my own, anything, it felt like nothing, except for maybe trying to not let my throat go rusty. i cant even tell anymore whether i went insane or not, whether my family really couldnt tell just how desperate i was to talk to someone, to speak, like about anything, anything at all. and other than blaming myself for most of how it ended up being, i think the resentment for everyone choosing to leave me on my own will linger over my heart for a very long time. i literally openly begged people to talk to me, to see me, whenever, wherever, and yet... i cant blame anyone for not wanting to be around someone whos constantly suicidal, but i still thought that there would be at least one person who'd choose to stay and wait it out with me. i wish things were different. i know i shouldnt be surprised that no one waited for me, as life goes on and people move past you, especially if their feelings for you were never really strong to begin with... but man. i cant even really count posting on tumblr as talking - after all, most of the time, i am just here talking about myself, to myself, and im aware of that. just screaming out a million times i wanna die, i wanna die, i wanna die, doesnt exactly count as conversation. it only really felt like writing out messages on the walls of an abandoned building, where you kinda hope someone will come across it and read it... but also, its not like they'll seek you out to save you, no matter how desperate you get. more likely is that they'll nod at it and go, "oh, big mood" and keep walking.

i wish it was already over. i wish i could find.. maybe not even "new friends" or whatever, but something to ease my mind with, to help me shift focus on something useful. its really hard to motivate yourself to do anything, when youre depressed. even now, i feel like work is really draining me... i can only pray that i will find motivation in me sometime soon, or this wont end well either. sorry this isnt very optimistic of me. i dont know where i was going with this one either. i think i should just go back to work now

Thinking of simpler times.. (rant/vent ig)

It's nice just to like

Be able to lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling and hear the crickets outside and no electronic noises. It reminds me of the 2 hurricanes that happened a few yrs back, and like I know it's fucked up to think about because it was horrible, but at the same time it was nice in a way idk how to describe well. It was miserable and hot but I was with family and didn't have to worry or stress about people or grades.. we just kinda existed for a while. I don't want more hurricanes to happen, that would be crazy, but I miss what came after.

Idk I think I've just been getting worked up over a lot of stuff recently and ik other people have it like so so much worse so I don't rlly like to complain abt it, especially in the gc, but nights like these where it's dark and quiet and calm just really get to me I guess. Nights where I can just think about everything and cry before I have to wake up the next day and repeat everything over and over and over. Every day is so bland and numb with sudden spikes of panic mixed in and at the end of the day I barely remember it. I don't remember so so much of my life that I think I should, and I don't know why I just forget. Weather something good or something bad happens I know it will eventually be faded and forgotten just as I will one day.

I'm not really big on being remembered, I've come to accept the fact of mortality and there will be a day where we will each be thought of for the last time and that is when we're truly gone. But for the short amount of time I am remembered, I don't want to be remembered like this. Like who I am and what I do and how I act right now. I don't know what I want to be remembered like, but it's not this.

There's so many issues that seem like the end of the world, that feel inescapable, and I know they're not. I feel like I'm either just being dramatic or gaslighting myself into believing they're bigger issues than they already are. Anything could send me into a spiral that night, from the smallest issue to the biggest one. Even if not, they still have an effect on my day to day life and I don't know how to fix it. And other people are always either confused or upset but they don't understand, and I don't know how to help them understand.

It's hard to care about my grades when there is literally no point and all I do is rot all day. Even if I did care I'm not smart enough to get a college tuition, and we definitely can't pay for it ourselves. They say it's gonna leave a permanent mark that people will see on my resume, but there is a good likelihood I won't make it past adulthood with the way things are going, so why should that matter. Plus it's so so hard to focus. Even if I try I get distracted or start daydreaming or The Thoughts come back. And people will say "oh just pay attention" or "just don't daydream duh" and I cant. Like I physically cannot I am unable to do so. Plus the daydreams happen at random half the time and then I'm not in school anymore I'm in another world and everything's either going really well with things I wish would happen irl or everything is going absolutely horribly and u can't stop it. They're like "just do your work it's not that hard" I hear what you're saying but you're not hearing me bro. I can't 'just do it' and nobody seems to understand that except specific strangers on the internet.

There's other issues too but I am too scared to share them on tumblr rn and I know this may seem kinda dumb but if I live on this will affect me for life but it's so so numb and I'm so SO tired allll the time and sleep never helps at all and I literally just rot all day...

Literally the only reason I take care of myself at this point is so people don't judge me and idk if that's normal or not but I'm assuming it's not.. like if I have to go somewhere ill take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face and put on perfume n shit but if not I will have a 'self care day' but idk if it's self care if the only thing I do is rot in bed all day and only get up to go to the bathroom or (sometimes) get food/water. I sleep so much and the days all blur together and it's so so so soo bad in summer. I think I have like reverse seasonal depression bc like when it's cold and dark and raining I THRIVE like never before (even if the constant tired doesn't go away, even if everything still sucks and I still hate the people I care about the most) it's just so nice. But in summer when it's hot and miserable and humid and my ac doesn't work and you can feel the mosquitos it is such a fucking low for me idk how to even describe it. When when we get the 2 months off for summer break it's so bad bro I think that's one of my lowest points excluding being in school when it's hot. If I didn't have church I know I would go those 2 months and not take care of myself at all and ik it sounds gross and it is and I hate it but why even try if I just fucking rot on my bed like a useless ass beached whale.

The crickets are gone

I miss them 💔

I don't get why it's so hard to sleep when I'm so so fucking tired or why I rot all day or why I'm so fucking angry and irritable all the time for no reason and it sucks ass tbh. And idk why I can't fucking do things like normal people can or why I think differently or why my thoughts are so fucked up and I disappoint the people I love. I don't really wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be here much longer, but I know I have to because if I do it it'll break them in ways they will never be able to fix, and I don't wanna be that selfish. I want to help people, I want to be confident, and I wanna make people smile. I want to be able to ignore the daydreams, to block out the characters in my head and The Thoughts that I hate so much, and I wanna stop doing shit like this when I don't deserve it.

But sometimes all you can do is find a cold, dark, and quiet place, and think for a while.

Sorry for the long post gang, see yall with a silly goofy post another day <3

Same thing happened to me. Different circumstances, but yeah it is super painful. My mom didn't tell me what I period was until I got it for the first time, and I wasn't even with her. I was at my grandmother's house and had to learn what they were from her, my mom only explained it to me after.

She also hasn't taught me hygiene either. I know the basics of course, the really obvious ones that are easy to do. Anything else? Hell if I know. I don't even know how to properly wash my hair, I have dandruff constantly. She complains about it, but she sure as hell isn't gonna teach me how.

Anyways, I wanted to write this to tell you that you aren't alone. This shit is incredibly common, for whatever reason. It sucks, but my advice is to just try. Focus on the now, and just try your best. Tacky advice, I know, but Focusing on the now will get you to the future. And that way you can prepare yourself for it, and actually know how to do it.

(You don't have to answer this ask, I just wanted to send some words of encouragement :D)

thank you, it feels really nice when people offer their stories unprompted like this <3

my mom taught us the basics too, by which I mean she TOLD them to us and barely ever enforced them. I've gotten better at showering regularly (probably still less than most people though) but I cant fuckin STAND brushing my teeth. it makes my mouth feel sooo gross and i never got into the habit of it so it's still difficult.

I used to have HORRIBLE dandruff too, and it itched so bad that I would scab my head all over scratching at it. turns out I have seborrheic dermatitis (diagnosed via tumblr user saying I might have it, and then a nurse confirming it lmao) and now I use a medical anti-dandruff shampoo from like. walgreens or something! I think its called selsun blue or something, so idk maybe that'll help?

ALSO FUCKING. I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH HAIR. so im mixed and my mom has straight hair cause shes very white. so i am FUCKED cause god knows she wont learn to do black hair. but my hair isnt as tightly curled as my other siblings either, so im kind of just left floundering cause idk what kind of hair i even HAVE so how do i figure out how to take care of it??? all i know is that shampoo goes before conditioner ;O;

ANYWAY yeah you're advice here is actually pretty solid. unfortunately the truth is that when it comes to hygiene, you just have to try to do it consistently.

one thing that helps me take showers (and this is advice i got from ppl with ADHD, which i might also have idk) is to either set a timer or just don't. think.

if i think too much I'll never take a shower cuz i'll be thinking about how hard it is and how long it will take.

but if I think "i should shower" and just ride that thought out then I can collect all my things (towel, bodywash, etc) and go to the shower before I have the chance to change my mind.

my hygiene is still probably "gross" to most people but I've improved a lot so i'm proud of myself.

sorry for the ramble hah, I appreciate the encouragement <3

rambling under the cut im fine dw

me: i need to stop always being so deeply afraid of people hating me or annoyed with me. people are allowed to dislike me for whatever reason, people are allowed to be annoyed by me, people are allowed to feel whatever they feel towards me and theres nothing i can do to control their feelings, nor should i want to control their feelings. i should just allow myself to exist and whoever likes me likes me and whoever doesnt doesnt and thats fine. i have to stop being so worried its tearing me apart.

me five minutes later: gotta go back to my job in the worried about if people hate me mines

my paranoia really frustrates me and i know the source of a lot of this is from a lifetime of being abused and neglected and harrassed and it doesnt help that i know its not just my paranoia when it comes to my abuser- i know for a fact that he does in fact want me dead and regularly would stalk my old blog and either send me himself or have his friends send very specific threats with details only he would know. so its the kind of thing where its hard to dismiss the paranoia by saying its not grounded in reality because i know he very much does want to finish what he started.

but besides that it can be really easy for me to fall into obsessive spiraling when i try to calmly talk to myself about this, like i tell myself that i should stop worrying about if people hate me and should just focus on being myself and being kind to others and doing whatever i can to help people and learn about the world and the people in it and listen to other people and be compassionate while not tolerating bigotry, but when my brain simpilifies this by saying "we should just try to be a good person" it starts to do morality spiraling like ok what does it mean to be a good person?

i cant just say well im a good person/i want to be a good person and pat myself on the back and call it a day thats not how it works, just like how kindness is a choice and is one we must continue to choose every day. i dont want to hurt anyone but i also dont want to fall apart and make everything about me/victimize myself if i did somehow hurt someone or did something wrong. but then theres also the fact that ive been punished all my life for just existing and have been painfully forced into masking and trying to seem ""normal"" and punished even further when im unable to mask or when i need help or have a meltdown etc etc so its very difficult to tell myself that i need to just allow myself to exist and be myself because im used to 25 years of being punished for that yknow.

my mind is getting fuzzy now but being a person is so weird and difficult and every day i feel more like im some kind of creature whos trying and failing to seem human. in the end i just want everyone to be okay and safe and to live comfortably and to be able to thrive and be respected and supported but at the same time i never apply that same thinking to myself, i still internally agree with my abuser and all the adults/my peers who told me i deserved pain and to be mistreated and could never have anything good and could never want anything. im working hard on challenging that thinking but its hard. anyway thanks if you read all this im fine i promise i just need to ignore my brain spiraling and distraxt myself