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kanmom51 · 3 years

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hi, genuinely curious, why do you think you know so much about bts’s personal lives? like just shipping real people in general that you don’t now personally, bc i saw some of ur posts(not just u, a LOT of others seem to think the same) and i’m confused like how do you know all that from a video/photo?

Ask 2: hi i think i might have sounded rude in my last anon and im so so sorry if i did, i don’t mean to sound mean but english isn’t my first language and i don’t now how else to write it.

What i mean is i just can’t see it, but so many ppl including you seem convinced jimin and jungkook are a couple? i now there’s probably something i’m missing that’s obvious to everyone else bc to me they just seem like really good and close friends, so like what is it that you think makes it obvious?? (again i’m just genuinely curious abt this pls don’t take it the wrong way 💜)

I’m not clairvoyant and don’t claim to know what goes on behind closed doors. I have said time and time again that we have no way of knowing what goes on when the cameras are off or when they are in private, unless they tell us.

I do speculate sometimes and make assumptions based on the content I’ve seen, but always original content, and not edited clips.

I have also made it clear every single time that these are my opinions and conclusions, take them or leave them.

There is a ton of BTS content out there to go through, which includes, just as an example (because there is so much more): Run BTS episodes, interviews (video, written and radio), member Tweets, memories, Bon Voyage, packages (summer, winter), Bangtan bombs, fan meets, Musters, concerts etc.

You need to watch original content, because, and it saddens me to say this, there is some Jikook YT content that is distorted, edited, slow motioned to fit the story, and not all of it is ‘real’ in the sense, that if you see the original content, see the true moment within it’s context and in real speed, well, it isn’t a ‘real’ moment. I have called out some of those moments in the past.

But there are things you can’t fake.

There a several moments that solidified for me the special connection between JK & JM.

Watch original content over the years and you will see there is something special between those two, a special and strong connection. JK clearly finds JM as someone he can confide in and someone that can calm him or console him in times of need. He has said it in interviews and we have seen him do so in the content out there.

JM is JK’s anchor. His safe place.

JK is JM’s happy place. When JM is down JK is the one who knows how to cheer him up. Even Jin had mentioned it once in an interview.

JK is JM’s protector in sorts. We’ve seen them at the airports, we’ve seen him carry JM after concerts.

They are super close. We know they constantly choose to travel together in the same car (when every member has their own car and they are the only ones together)... They choose spend ‘off time’ together - bowling, going to watch a movie, ice skating with each other. JK himself told us in BV4 that the only members he sae during their time off were JM & Hobi. They are just super close.

So what made me make the one step further and conclude they are romantically involved?

There are several things that pushed me over the edge. Some of them are:

First, the content, again. There is content out there that is way beyond “we are very close platonic friends”. Things they say or do in front of the camera that give you so much “we are a couple” vibe.

There is content that makes you feel like you are intruding on a very intimate private moment:

MAMA 2018 is one of them. I can’t say one, because there are so many moments there that are “WOW, what’s going on here?”

Rose Bowl is also such a moment that is as clear as day, with no acceptable logical explanation other than: “there is something more between those two”.

Those are only 2 examples, but there are many more such moments, where the intimacy level is way more than even the best platonic friendship out there.

You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to put 1 & 1 together here. These moments are loud and clear.

There are the more subtle moments too, those that add up on you, those that if you will look at each of them by themselves you would say: “yeah, nothing here”, but when you put them together, another one and another one and another one, well the conclusion is pretty much clear.

It’s JM’s Tweets, their matching clothing over the years, their choice to spend time together, their private trip, GCFT, JK’s choice to put JM front and center in all his other GCF’s, the way they look at each other, the way they talk about each other, the two very famous lives from 2016 (Tae’s & Hobi’s), their own lives (OMG), things JM tells us (like waking up and seeing JK is what makes him happy these days), “you are me I am you”, the way they touch, especially during the first few years (2016-2018), those hesitant light touches & brushes (if skinship is not an issue here, why do they hesitate so much to touch each other??? when they have no problem doing so with the others, all when we do know just how close they are), the way they talk to each other, they way JK lets JM get away with shit, while he doesn’t the other members, the way JK drops honorifics with JM +++++ so much more.

There another couple of independent points that helped to push me over the edge too.

The first is the other members reactions when JK & JM go on with their shenanigans. RM, Hobi, Jin, Suga & Tae all react differently, each and every one of them has a tell. Suga and Tae go blank many times. Jin lowers his head. Hobi either had a worried look on his face or a big fat smile, and RM, well he’s the most obvious out of the lot. It’s facial expressions, uneasy movement, fisting his thighs, looking to Hobi or Suga with pleading eyes, running to the two thinking he might have to defuse a moment, separating the two when he feels it’s needed. It’s all that and then some. Now if there is nothing ‘more’ going on between those two, why is all of that even necessary??? Those two’s interactions on camera just make the rest of the group nervous, especially RM. Ask yourself the question: why??

Another thing I keep asking myself is, if these two are clearly super close, why is there a constant need to downplay their closeness? This is something that is done by BTS and BH as well as the fandom. And I find it hard to understand, again, if there is nothing extra going on between them, why downplay them. You may disagree with me on this, but to me it seems they are way closer than JM & Tae, but they are called ‘soulmates’ while JK & JM are ‘nothing’? It’s like they are there, and it’s clear as day just how close they are, but it’s not a subject they are allowed to talk about. And the way the fandom is as much as ignoring it also raises so many questions for me. If this is an innocent platonic close friendship, why ignore it? How come the fandom isn’t celebrating it?

Thing is, that not only does the fandom ignore their connection, they are being hated for it. The level of anti and hatred out there towards them is unbelievable. And yet again, that raises the question of why? If nothing is going on there why such anti towards those two, together, in particular?

At the end of the day, I guess life experience is probably what helps me out here. I have been around for a while, experienced love and heartbreak, and also a long term relationship. I know the signs, you could say. It helps being able to assess a situation and read into it.

It’s ok to question yourself. I do so constantly. I watch and re-watch content. I read interviews, I question my logic, my conclusions. I, just like any normal person, do have self doubt at times. Believe me, I would not have written what I have before checking and re-checking myself. And still, these are my conclusions. I believe that JK & JM are not only super close, but also romantically involved. There you have it.

#Jungkook #Jimin #JK #JM #Jikook #Kookmin #BTS #Jikook are real

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richincolor · 3 years

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SomeThoughts about Netflix's Shadow & Bone

This past Friday, the highly anticipated Shadow and Bone series premiered on Netflix and fans of the Grishaverse all over the world logged in to watch their favs come to life. There was much discussion of the inclusion of numerous characters from throughout the Grishaverse and that diversity was a focus in the casting of the show, especially Jessie Mei Li who is biracial, therefore changing the main character’s ethnicity to biracial Shu Han. Unfortunately, that decision didn’t pay off to well due to the showrunner’s handling of Alina’s ethnicity. Twitter blew up as people shared their hurt and warned others about what to expect.

I had planned to watch the show and happened to see one such warning before I watched the series so I was prepared. I watched a couple of episodes, then called it a night. The next morning I was unsettled and reached out to my fellow contributors here on Rich in Color. No one had seen it yet, but Jessica said she was planning to as well. As we chatted, I felt that our conversation should be shared with our readers, so Jessica and I decided to write our thoughts down and have a conversation after she watched a few episodes herself.

Oh, and spoilers abound!

First off, before we dive into this conversation: Have you read the Grishaverse series? How much did you know about the story going in?

K. Imani: As everyone knows I love fantasy so I’m open to reading all sorts of fantasy books. I read the Shadow & Bone series a few years ago and enjoyed it. When the Six of Crows duology came out I read those too and actually enjoyed those better than the original series. Why - more diversity? It also expanded the world and the different perspectives of “Grisha” like folk from other cultures. It was very clear from the writing that Bardugo realized her first series was very lacking in diversity and worked hard to change it. I actually re-read both series during quarantine, so I had a fair idea of what the Netflix series would be about.

Jessica: I’ve actually never read a single Grishaverse book! I know, shocking. I only knew two things about the series going into the show: 1) Six of Crows is a heist book? 2) Ben Barnes is a person who exists.

The cast announcement for any show is always so exciting, and Shadow and Bone was no different. How did you feel about the casting -- before and after you watched the show? What did you think was done well, and what did you think could be improved?

K. Imani: Before watching the show I was actually a bit confused about some of the casting choices. I didn’t understand why 3 of the main Six of Crows characters were in the show and I honestly did not make the connection to Alina and Mal being biracial. Knowing that the Grishaverse is “Russian-based” and knowing that some ethnic Mongolians are considered Russian I just found it cool that the show cast a person who didn’t fit a Russian stereotype. Oh boy was I way off! Overall I was pleased with the casting and think all the actors did a great job. I liked the few changes they did make with casting actors of colors for other roles to round out the diversity of the world.

Bringing it back to Mal, I was confused as to if he was supposed to be coded as biracial. I missed the reference in the show, but I did read somewhere that he was supposed to be as well and that is what bonded him to Alina. If that’s the case, then how come Alina was the only person to experience racism? That thought continues to sit on my heart because it shows that the writers did not really think through how they wanted to express racism and included it for the wrong reasons.

Jessica: My reaction was basically, “I’m happy that other people seem happy!” since again, I had no context for the show. Casting on Netflix shows often seems to be a case of “cool, this is some exciting casting… but definitely could be better and even more intentional.”

K. Imani: “More intentional” That is the word right there! Making a story more diverse is wonderful and fully reflects the world we live in, however if you just randomly do it without thinking it through it comes off as insensitive. I know Leigh Bardugo used this show as an opportunity to make her story better (and I do not begrudge her of that fact) but when one doesn’t think it through, the criticism that is being expressed is a direct result.

Jessica: Sidenote -- I ended up watching a booktube video titled “Darker Jesper, Fat Nina, Shadow and Bone Casting Thoughts” on booktube channel Chronicles of Noria about the casting. Highly recommend checking it out. I also recommend this profile on Jessie Mei Li, who talks about being gender nonconforming.

Did any changes in the Netflix adaptation stick out to you? Were there changes you liked or disliked?

K. Imani: My favorite part of the adaptation is how well the show runners included the Six of Crows characters into the narrative. The storyline completely worked for me and connected the two stories together. I really enjoyed the Arken storyline (and the character tbh) as it was used to flesh out the world of the Grishaverse, which made the series much more interesting. I also liked the change of making Ivan and Fedyor a couple instead of just Darkling’s henchmen as it humanized them and actually made me like Ivan because they were so cute together. Though how that will come into play after the events of Episode 8 will be interesting. I’m a sucker for the Enemies to Lover trope so I loved that Nina’s & Matthia’s story of how they came together was included here. In either Six of Crows or Crooked Kingdom (I don’t remember), it was told as a flashback, but I loved that it was moved here as their “origin story”, so to speak, and how it connects to the events of the Alina timeline.

What I didn’t like...the casual racism. It really bothered me and left me sad the next morning. For example, a certain poster shown in the first episode had me physically cringe and I was upset that 1) the production designers even created it and 2) no one, at no point, said that was a bad idea? Come on! It was horrible to see and I can imagine the hurt an AAPI would experience seeing that. And then, it got worse. Racial slurs thrown around a couple of times in the first couple of episodes to show that Alina is an outsider. They were jarring and took me out of the narrative. Having read the books I knew there was tension between the Ravkans and Shu Han, so I could understand what the show runners were trying to do, but it was actually never explained in show, hence making the racism feel random and just there for shock value.

Jessica: I saw tweets going around alluding to the racism Alina (and other characters to a less frequent extent) faced, so I braced myself for it. I’m only a few episodes in, and the instances so far were brief… but it just didn’t feel right. The foundation for this portrayal of racism wasn’t laid properly. And if the work of laying the foundation and really digging into what it means for the overall worldbuilding doesn’t happen… then why include it at all? Especially if it might be painful for certain viewers? I’m sure harm wasn’t the intent, but that’s the impact. Why not leave it out and let the show be escapism?

K. Imani: Jessica, the eyes comment took me out, not gonna lie. I audibly screamed. Anyone who has experienced a racist comment based on their looks felt that in their gut which is horrible when watching a show for escapism.

Jessica: Yeah, the eyes and rice-eater comments were especially frustrating. On top of it being a reminder of the racism Asians experience daily… it doesn’t make much sense. Like, canonically, do people in Ravka not eat rice? An American’s conception of racism isn’t necessarily going to make sense in a (Imperial Russia-inspired) fantasy world. But maybe I’m missing something since I didn’t read the original books.

And the eyes comment… whoof. When I was a kid, other kids would make fun of my eyes and ask me to, like, count seagulls because surely, I couldn’t see out of my eyes… And the other kids were also Asian! Internalized racism is so real. It’s disappointing that Shadow and Bone would include this experience as, I don’t know, discrimination flavor text. Surely there were better ways to portray discrimination that made sense within the Grishaverse…

Ellen Oh really said it so well: “If a writer is going to show racism against Asians, it's important to balance it with the beauty of all that makes us Asian also.” Where is the balance? Where is the nuance? Even if Alina’s Shu Han mother isn’t alive, couldn’t Alina have had a treasured Shu Han pendant? Just spitballing here. There were so many possibilities.

K. Imani: Exactly. I agree with Ellen and unfortunately there is no balance. That’s what makes it so hurtful. The focus is on how bad it is that she’s biracial and how bad the Shu Hans are for no specific reason. Because Alina is an orphan and grew up in Ravka, she unfortunately has no connection to Shu Han culture (or at least what is shown on screen) so all that she identifies as is Ravkan who just happens to look like a Shu Han person, but she doesn’t exhibit any pride in being Shu Han. Her ethnicity is just another obstacle to overcome which is all the more cringeworthy and why having Alina be biracial just to be biracial without thinking it through ended up being so problematic. Having her be biracial and using casual racism as an “obstacle” that she has to overcome is such a shallow interpretation of racism and shows the writers didn’t do the work to really think about the why the racism exists.

In addition to talking about what was done well and what went wrong or felt off about certain representation, it’s important to look at the “how.” How did this happen?

Jessica: I read on Twitter that one of the show writers is Korean and biracial -- which is awesome! I was really heartened to hear that. But at the same time, this highlights how important it is to have multiple marginalized voices in the room who can speak with some level of expertise. I don’t know the decision-making process that went into including this sort of surface-level, simplistic version of real world racism, but I wonder if anyone, at any point, said “is there a more nuanced and original way to portray this?” or “how will this affect Asian viewers?” Did someone bring it up, and they were overruled? What happened?

This absolutely isn’t a judgment on the Asian writers or staff on the show. When I’ve done collaborative writing, there were times I caught an issue and said “we need to be more sensitive about this” -- and there were other times when my teammates pointed out something I didn’t notice. It happens! That’s why it’s so important to have multiple marginalized perspectives when creating something -- especially when it’s a work as impactful and far-reaching as a Netflix show. Placing the burden of complex, nuanced representation on one, or a scant handful, of marginalized creators is just not going to work… and it’s not fair to the creators, either.

Frankly, this is a problem in so many industries -- film, publishing, games... there are so many “diverse” shows, games, etc with all-white or majority white teams. Good, nuanced representation can only happen when BIPOC / marginalized creators are the majority and have power behind-the-scenes. (This is why I’m really excited to watch the show Rutherford Falls -- half the writers room are Indigenous writers, as is the co-creator!)

K. Imani: Exactly! It’s great that one of the writers is biracial and Korean, but if she’s the only one how much input did she really have? I’m by no means knocking her experience but, say for example, that particular poster in the first episode. No one else behind the scenes found it problematic? There are many steps to a production process and that poster, if there had been more diverse voices present on the production staff instead of just 1 writer, would have been flagged as a huge problem and redone. The poster was supposed to be a “short cut” to show Ravkan/Shu Han tension but instead it came off as so profoundly racist and unnecessary. There are many other non-racist ways to explore the tensions between the two countries that could have been explored instead of just jumping to racism. And...as someone on Twitter pointed out, we never see the tension between the Ravkans and the Shu Han, but we openly see fighting between the Ravkans and the Fjierdans, so why were they not vilified to the same extent?

Jessica: Right. I’m definitely not saying racism can’t be portrayed in fantasy ever. But if you’re going to do it, make it make sense within the world. Don’t just use it as shorthand for “this character is Other.” I mean, experiencing racism isn’t what makes me Asian…

K. Imani: Boom! I’m going to repeat that for the people in the back...experiencing racism is not what makes a person Asian or Black, and if you are going to have racism in a work of art, be sure to provide balance to show all the other aspects of a person of color’s life.

Since we’re talking creators behind-the-scenes… which YA fantasy books by Asian authors do you think would make great Netflix shows or movies?

Jessica: I’ve got a list about a mile long, but I’ve cut it down to my top four:

These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong

Forest of a Thousand Lanterns by Julie C. Dao

The Tiger at Midnight by Swati Teerdhala

The Epic Crush of Genie Lo by F.C. Yee

You’re welcome, Netflix execs who are totally reading this blog. Hop to it!

K. Imani: I second the Tiger at Midnight series! I loved the first two books and can’t wait for the conclusion in June. While not YA, the City of Brass series would make an excellent Netflix series. Anything Maurene Goo writes would be fun rom-coms (because we need those too!).

Jessica: I mean, with To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before complete… Netflix clearly needs to start adapting Maurene Goo’s books.

K. Imani: Yes, the people demand it! I don’t care which book, just grab one of them and get the production started.

On a final note, I do want to say that despite the criticism the show rightly deserves, there was much about the show that was enjoyable. The storytelling was strong and moved at a good pace, the costuming was on point, special effects worked seamlessly into the narrative, and even small touches such as how the Grishas used their small science was visually interesting. Book adaptations are always hard to pull off well and the Shadow and Bone production team did a good job overall. Their intention towards adding more diversity is a step in the right direction, but just didn’t do enough. Let’s hope they learn from their mistakes and improve for season 2.

#shadow and bone

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serinemolecule · 3 years

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Not to harp on the obvious, but the discussion feels hollow without it: the only reason some people - not all, maybe not most, but definitely some - push for "equality" and "inclusiveness" and etc. in tech is because it's seen as a desirable and powerful position. No one's been belly-aching about it back when it was fashionable to tell nerds to stop being fat and ugly and what a bunch of losers they are. It's only up for discussion now that there's something to be gained from it. It's hypocrisy.

(context: a lot of women-in-tech discourse)

I mean, I was belly-aching about it.

I like to say I was a feminist until I met other feminists. I definitely saw plenty of things nerds could be doing better for equality. But then the first time I met other feminists, they were harassing nerds and writing long essays about how nerds were even worse than average men (which still seems to me like an absolutely insane position).

That was... a really big crisis of faith there. I spent years reading feminist literature, trying to understand their point. And the crazy thing was, a lot of the principles and concepts do appeal to me. But then the way they’d apply it, talking about how privileged nerds were, or just using it as an excuse to be assholes to people, that’s always seemed wrong to me.

My approach at the time was just to try to understand it better in private, and never talk about it in public. This lasted until I read the SSC essays on social justice which I entirely agreed on, then I joined Tumblr to hit on Scott, and since then I started getting more comfortable with writing out my thoughts, but also the really bad SJ of the early 2010s just mostly faded away from the spaces I’m in. I still hear insane stories from other places (like the New York Times! wtf!) but it no longer feels like a crisis afflicting my own community, so I never wrote anything out.

Part of it’s that my community is the rats, now. SJWs may still exist here, but they don’t have a social power to turn us against each other. Whatever effect Topher’s tweet had on the rest of the world, it means he’s no longer welcome among rats anymore. We dismiss them with equanimity using the ancient proverb, “Haters gonna hate”.

Anyway, I suppose now’s as good a time as any for me to talk about what I think about feminist theory.

I get the impression that Scott is embarrassed by his old posts on gender politics, but I still endorse every word. Even the words people like to criticize the most, I endorse as an angry expression of “Why don’t you care about how many people your ideology is hurting?” That said:

Privilege theory – I remember encountering privilege theory and thinking “yes, this totally fits the model that normies are privileged and nerds are marginalized”, until I got to the part where they started talking about how privileged nerds were. I think the theory is still pretty good, and of course the practice about writing privilege checklists and using it to silence people is incredibly fucked up.

Patriarchy theory – Fortunately, no one talks about patriarchy theory anymore. It came from the radfems and it always seemed horrible to me. It's uncontroversially true that ruling class is mostly male, but patriarchy theory seems to just equivocate between that and insane conspiracy theories.

For example, “culture is built for the benefit of men at the expense of women” requires you to just dismiss everything that hurts men and helps women, to excuse that fashion policing is nearly solely perpetuated by other women, and even if it’s true, the fact that it is perpetuated by everyone means pointing the finger at a specific group will not help fix the problem. Did Kamala Harris exercise “girl power” when she kept black prisoners in jail past their release date?

Cultural appropriation – The usual steelman I hear for this is “it sucks when white people take your culture for themselves, and yet still call it cringe when you practice your own culture” – but the only objectionable part is the latter! Stop objecting to the former part! There’s nothing wrong with culture mixing and it is in fact one of the most beautiful things in the world!

Part of it’s that I’m a first-gen immigrant, and cultural appropriation attitudes often come from insecurities second-gen immigrants have. Cultural appropriation just means I’m now an expert on your new culture and you’re not allowed to stop me from infodumping on it.

The other steelman is “misusing religious artifacts is bad” and I think to the extent that it’s bad, it’s bad whether you’re doing it to your own culture or to other cultures.

In general I think Halloween was, among other things, a great celebration of diversity that did not need to be cancelled, and I don’t think any costume was offensive to the majority of any culture.

Intersectionality – This word confused me for so long. People kept explaining it as “black women often have problems specific to their group that neither women’s groups nor black groups themselves are equipped to fight” which just seemed obviously true and didn’t seem like we needed a word for it.

Over the years, I’ve seen it be used as a reminder of “don’t forget how your activism affects other marginalized groups”, so it’s probably a useful concept to keep around.

Microaggressions – I think being oblivious to microaggressions is an autism thing, but I still think it’s insane to make them a political issue. Sure, you can vent about them, but acting like they’re on par with actual aggressions just seems like a losing cause.

On second thought, I don’t think I have a problem with making them a political issue in general. I think the whole tactic of SJWs being a hateful harassment mob makes the microaggressions thing just come off as especially petty.

I also think there’s a lot of competing access needs here. I actually really like infodumping about what kind of Asian I am to anyone willing to listen, and I think acting like the question is the root of all evil is really unfair, especially since literally everyone who’s ever asked has been happy to learn about the finer points about Chinese ethnic groups.

Isms as prejudice + power – People have mostly stopped discoursing about this, which is good. Language policing always seemed bad to me.

Objectification – SSC says everything I feel on the topic: https://slatestarcodex.com/2013/03/17/my-objections-to-objectification/

The last time this came up in Discord, people said that objectification is more than the straw-man being criticized in this article, that it’s about people being entitled to your body or whatever. But I think the article does address that: “This is obviously a legitimate complaint. It’s just not a complaint about objectification.”

I got exposed to objectification as a criticism of hot girls in video games. And I just can’t see hot girls in video games as a bad thing.

Rape culture – [cw rape] This is an incredibly sensitive subject so I’m going to give you some time to stop reading here.

Our culture has a serious problem with rape. I think it’s important to understand that it’s usually committed by friends and family, that it’s depressingly common and has nearly definitely happened to people you know, that it’s usually committed by people who don’t think of what they’re doing as rape, and that all the discourse on it is really fucked up.

I also think that calling this “rape culture” entirely misses the point. I’m sympathetic that SSC doesn’t understand it: https://slatestarcodex.com/2013/04/19/i-do-not-understand-rape-culture/

Our problem isn’t that we glorify rape. Our problem is that we consider it a special kind of evil so bad that of course no normal person would ever do it, and this makes it easy to rationalize that whatever this normal person did couldn’t have been rape, which causes huge harms.

I don’t have answers, but I think it’s incredibly clear that calling it “rape culture” doesn’t help.

In general, I don’t think feminist activism on the topic of rape goes in the right direction. The smug “consent is like tea” video has the exact same problem. People don’t need to hear more “normal people would never rape” messaging.

#gender politics

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angelkurenai · 4 years

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Worth it - Sebastian Stan x Reader

Title: Worth it

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader

Warnings: None

Prompt: hey, do you write for sebastian stan? because if so, here’s my request: sebastian say on a talk show that he have a crush on a singer and would love to meet her, and her manager contact him to be in her new music video! if you decides to write it, thank you x

“Speaking of- of fans and how passionate they can get about something, I think we can all agree that when it comes to finding things, no matter how hidden, they're masters at it, right?” Conan asked, pausing for a moment as the audience cheered and clapped, he looked at Sebastian who nodded his head with a small laugh “Like, the FBI should just fire all their staff and hire fans because they put even Sherlock Holmes to shame!”

“You can't hide a single thing, if it's out on the net.” he said “And they're fast too! Sometimes I have to spend hours looking for the most simple thing, like a good recipe for pasta, and you'll see them dig up tweets from ten years ago in five minutes!”

“I know right?” Conan laughed a bit “I mean, personally I don't mind to be honest. But it's like, before you know it,videos of you from the '90s come up on your feed again and the naked pictures you took in the 2000s reposted again for everyone to admire your-” but he stopped, giving a look to the audience who cheered a little bit too loudly, some even laughing “Oh you sick per- I didn't mean that!”

“You-” Sebastian tried to hold his laughter, frowning as if to look more serious “You're talking about yourself here right?”

“I-” Conan stifled a laugh “Well, yeah. I usually embarrass myself and not the guest unless you have something to share with us now Sebastian.”

“I-” Sebastian cleared his throat, shaking his head “No, I'm good. I think I'm good, no need to give Mackie more info. Although I feel like after this interview-” he couldn't help but crack a smile “My social media accounts will be... attacked to say the least. Who knows what they'll dig up.”

“Now that you've mentioned it, well technically I did but it's easier to blame you because I can't lower myself any further than I already have in this show-” Conan pause, once more narrowing his eyes at the audience who laughed “Whose side are you on?” he shook his head dramatically “Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, remembering our sinful pasts.” that earned more laughter from both the audience and Sebastian “And speaking of that, I wanted to tell you, that there is this account that's called “Sebastian Stan doing things.” are you aware of that?”

“I mean, yeah, it's called my life.” he said with a small smile, earning a chuckle.

“There are accounts like this for other celebrities and while we were going through this account we noticed one major difference from the other ones: It was filled with posts of you that were actually very rare. According of course to the comments because it's not like we stalk you or your social media or anything. I definitely don't have posters of you shirtless around my room or anything.” Conan scoffed, shrugging casually and earning more laughter, continuing after a couple seconds “But there was this particular video of an interview of you and during that interview you got to talk about uhm your favorite singer...?”

It ended mostly as a question only meant to ask Sebastian in a way if he remembered it. It certainly didn't take more than half a second before the man was laughing in embarrassment, head hanging low as he could feel the nervousness settling in. Maybe he couldn't remember the entire interview per se so he couldn't remember if it was as embarrassing as he feared – not that he had much hope, he had been told plenty of times by his friends that he lost control when it came to you and his obvious admiration for you – but that didn't mean that this one wasn't going to be. If anything he was 100% sure that this one would be even worse. But he nodded his head anyway and spoke.

“I uhm. Yes, yes I think I know which one you're talking about.” he said, finally looking Conan in the eyes.

“Well-” the man couldn't hold back a laugh at the silent plea in Sebastian's eyes to not speak up further because it honestly was too funny and in the end spoke again “It's good thing, really, because I was watching it and I have to say this, that I realised early on, you are a big (Y/n) fan, aren't you?”

“I'm... somewhat.” Sebastian cleared his throat and avoided eye-contact only because he knew that was a big fat lie that anyone could see right through.

“Somewhat? Alright, let's- How about we take a look at a small clip of the entire thing, yes?”

“So the Grammys happened last night and you guys didn't mis on the opportunity to do a live. Anthony let me tell you that Beyonce can't compare to you.” the interviewer looked at Anthony and Sebastian who laughed “You singing along to her will forever be remembered. Just like Sebastian's own mini concert. One we didn't really expect, to be honest, because you seemed to know the lyrics real well. Given that it is (Y/n)'s newest song. I wonder, is there even a moment you hesitated?”

“Oh sister you've seen nothing. The real question should be: Is that how you're on a daily basis? And I'll tell you, calmly: Fucking hell no! He doesn't shut up about (Y/n) or how amazing she is, how funny and how sweet, how great of an artist she is or even singing her songs!”

“I'm not... that bad. It's not like- I mean it is mostly the shower!” Sebastian defended himself “And besides that, she isan incredible artist! She puts her heart and soul into every song and, come on, you saw her performance too! (Y/n) nailed it and she was worth every grammy and every win of last night.”

“The neighbors ain't gonna think so, though.” Anthony muttered “very time she won, you'd hear Sebastian nearly screaming 'Yes!' at the top of his lungs. Don't deny it, don't! Just don't even try to, I have proof and I'm sure the entire neighborhood will come to as witnesses to the court.E”

“Is that so? Well, interesting to know. See, I was actually going to ask you Sebastian: what was the most say memorable moment and, say, your favorite one but I'm guessing it's-”

“(Y/n)” he laughed a bit shyly after his too-fast-and-honest response “I mean-” he shrugged a bit “(Y/n) is simply, how can I say it, (Y/n). And she's incredible, it's impossible to not be in awe and not to admire the woman simply for who she is and for how wonderful she is as a singer too. She manages to make people, me included, feel so many things with the way she sings, her words and voice could just as easily be out of this world. And it's not just her voice, there is all this raw emotion coming out on her face, in her eyes, as she sings that you can't help but feel it too as you get pulled in. I mean, even her videos can leave you speechless, easily compared to some of the greatest movies I've seen. I swear I've cried more times during her songs and videos than I have ever before in my life. She's got this-”

“Friendly advice: Stop him here, he could go on for hours. He has done it before!” Anthony warned.

The interviewer laughed and nodded her head “Noted. So Sebastian, I'm taking it you could also say you're a fan then?”

“I'm-” he looked carefully at the camera “... Maybe? Well, yes, obviously yes. Alright.” he ended up adding after a good few seconds of silence “Gosh I know that if this ever gets out on the net, I'm not gonna hear the end of it from my friends.”

“I might be playing a dangerous game here but, may I ask why?”

“And that-” Conan paused for a moment to let the crowd applaud “Is only the beginning. We don't have much time but the interview kept on for much longer, yes? And you get to talk about her and your admiration for much much longer, correct?”

“Yes.” Sebastian cleared his throat nervously “That would be the case, yes. See although we were also talking about the movie too, she was mentioned many times because it was relevant to the topic.”

“Yes, for you. Because, and I say again I've watched the whole thing, Anthony was speaking about the movie too but he didn't bring her up every 5 seconds.” he looked him dead serious in the eyes, which earned a nervous awkward laugh from Sebastian and laughter from the audience.

“Come on man, it-” he chuckled, head ducking almost shyly “I wasn't' that bad. Just give me a break.”

“But I'm not even exaggerating here! People will think that just because I'm a drama queen that I'm somehow making things up but, and the video is up now on channel for you to watch, I'm completely serious. Do you- See you spoke a lot about her and clearly had a lot to say about her, we don't blame you. Who can? (Y/n) is indeed incredible and an amazing singer. But do you know how many times you said her name for real?”

“Uhm.... no?” he asked slowly “I- I think it was plenty of times because I'm a big fan, I can't help it-”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Conan teased him, unable to hold his laughter “I would have never guessed!”

“Come on man. Stop it.” he said but only in a low voice, the awkwardness and embarrassment growing with each minute passing by. He laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck “I mean-” he dared look Conan in the eyes “There are so many fans of hers worldwide, why embarrass me out of all of them the most?”

“You are our guest tonight though.” Conan chuckled “If anything, I'm pretty sure Anthony said at some in the interview – and you should all go ahead and watch it- that you are more than just a fan. He went s far as to say that she's your celebrity crush. No?”

“I-” he started but cleared his throat, shifting in his seat and look at him with a tight smile.

“And the fact is also verified by Chris Evans in another interview, which our amazing staff found. That one by chance, mostly, but it was well worth it.”

“By chance. I'm starting to believe both Mackie and Evans pushed those videos forward to you or something.”

“We shall forever wonder.” Conan chuckled “But besides that, crush or not – a question you skillfully voided answering – you are quite the fan. Yet you don't know how many times you mentioned her, at all?”

“No, no of course I didn't keep track. Seriously I have no idea.”

“Really? Because, Sebastian, you said her name 18 times.” he paused only for two seconds to let the crowd cheer and applaud while Sebastian laughed even more nervously than before “Like, I kid you not, I counted. I even made the rest of the staff count. It was 18 times. In just one interview. What do you have to say about that?”

“Well... I might be a really big fan?” he suggested slowly and with a smile that could only be described as awkwardly cute but it did the job of making the crowd laugh.

“You might Sebastian. You might.” Conan laughed “But seeit surprises me that, you are a celebrity yourself, you're well-known and famous and really successful and despite having all that and despite being such a big fan, despite admiring her for years, you have yet to meet her, correct?”

“Well, seeing how I am still alive, I have not met her yet no. Though, as everyone that knows me is already well aware of, I'd really love to one day. Will I survive to tell the story? Probably no, but it will be worth it.”

Was it worth it though?

He kept asking the same question to himself over and over again ever since he got the phone call from his manager. And with it being two days now and the interview having been three days now, he couldn't help but feel like this was not real. It could not be, he had to be dreaming and yet try as he might to wake himself up he couldn't do anything about it. Maybe the way his stomach was tied in knots and his heart was beating so hard and fast, threatening to break free from his ribcage, and the way his mind felt so lightweight as if he couldn't even think straight was enough proof that this was very much real as much as it was a torture. A torture to feel all of that, a torture to wait, a torture to watch the minutes tick by without any news and in a maddening silence of a small room, a torture to feel this anticipation without a result with each passing second. It was all of that that made him wonder if it was worth it.

And all of that that answered the question as well. He was probably being overdramatic but even if it were for him to not survive meeting you, it would all have been well worth it.

It was all well worth it indeed, and even more than he imagined, when the door was pushed opened and the first thing he saw was your sparkling eyes, almost widening at first, and the beautiful albeit shy and nervous smile that got only bigger when you saw him.

It was all well worth it when you spoke to him, voice low and soft, sweet as honey “Oh gosh, I can't believe this is happening. I'm-” it was all well worth it when you laughed sheepishly “Hello, it's great to meet you at last! I'm (Y/n).”

It was all well worth it when he reached for your hand and took it in his with murmured words of his own and a smile that made his cheeks hurts. It was all well worth it when he felt that skip in his heartbeat.

#sebastian #sebastian stan #sebastian imagine #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian x reader #sebastian stan x reader #seastian fanfiction #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian one shot #sebastian stan one shot #anthony mackie #chris evans

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jawritter · 4 years

Text

Broken Me...

Ch. 3

Summery: The Dallas Convention couldn't have come at a worse time for Jensen. His world fell apart earlier that morning, but was expected to just act like everything was normal. You and a friend were at the convention for her birthday. Life hasn't been that great for you either, but a forced meeting on stage changes two worlds. Will you be able to put this broken man back together again...

Series Warings: Cheating, shitty marriage, Danneel is a bitch, I unfortunatly have to put that as a warning because some people tend to get turnt up about it if you don’t... Smut, Crying, Suiside Attempt, brief discription of suicide attempt and recovery, depression, hints of self loathing, language. I think that’s it... Suicide Trigger warnings will be placed over each chapter!

Chapter Warnings: Online bulling, language, insecurities, mean girls. I think that’s about it..

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Word Count: 1779

A/N: BINGE READ TIME!! As always all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is gold!! Hope you all enjoy this one!!

Want More? Check out my masterlist!!

****MASTERLIST****

Jensen's POV:

"I can't believe I lost it like that man! What the hell!!" Jensen yelled, throwing his hat across the room, watching as it hit the wall with a limp thump before falling to the floor.

He’d never been so pissed off at himself in his life, the way he ran off stage like that, Y/n probably thinks she did something wrong.

He knew she saw him upset…

He knew she saw him try to hide the fact that I was up there crying like a little bitch...

Maybe that many shots before he got on stage wasn't such a great idea after all...

He was just trying to get numb enough to get through this damn concert without feeling anything. That turned out well didn’t it...

"Dude stop!! You're doing a hell of a lot better than I would be doing. I would have left the convention by now, and would be a blubbering mess somewhere. As far as y/n goes. I think she's fine. I saw her taking selfies with some other fans after the concert was over. Now Richard on the other hand, he saw, he's asking questions. I know you're not ready to talk about all this to everyone, but if you're going to stay at the convention. You're going to have to tell the rest of the cast and crew what the hell is going on with you."

Jensen knew Jared was right, but he couldn’t help the stone face that he gave him as he watched the overly tall man take a swig of his beer.

Even though Jared has the mental maturity of a ten year old, when stuff is going down he usually is right.

As far as Jensen was concerned he was nowhere near ready to talk about what happened between Danneel and himself, everything was still so fresh, so raw, hell it had just happened today!

He knew he couldn’t get into telling people without breaking down, and that was NOT something he was going to do in front of everyone.

It just isn't going to happen...

"I know you're right, but I’m not ready to talk about this with everyone, man it all this just happened less than 12 hours ago! I haven't even had time to process it yet. I'll try, and talk to everyone in the morning if people are asking too many questions. I just can't do it tonight. I'm still a little drunk, I'm exhausted. Probably too damn exhausted to sleep, which means I’ll probably drink myself to sleep…. Don’t look at me like that Jared, I just ….need tonight okay......Put Richard and everyone else off till in the morning if they ask you any questions."

Jared fought the urge to shake his head and roll his eyes, but this was Jensen’s battle, not his, and he had to deal with all of this how he saw best. No matter how much Jared didn’t agree with it..

"Okay I can do that. I told Richard tonight that you would probably tell everyone in the morning what was going on anyway, It was the only way he would let it go. They're worried about you man."

Jensen pushed his hands through his already completely messed up hair, and stood there with his eyes closed, trying his damndest to get a hold of himself. He was tired of crying about this already, and had just happened today, hell it’s not like they were together every day of their marriage, he was practically single anyway… They never even fucking saw each other.. Why did this bother him so much?

"Ugh Jen?" Jared said, sounding almost like a little kid afraid to tell their parents something bad....

"What?"

White hot fear licked at Jensen right up his backbone, it was never good in this industry for someone to use that tone while looking at social media...

"Uh, looks like the video of you and y/n tonight has gone almost viral."

Video of him singing at cons did that all the time so it was no surprise to him that one of him signing with a fan had gotten a lot of attention. So Jensen knew that was just the warm up for the let down, and braced himself…

"Okay, So."

"Well Danneel saw it and, well......"

Jared handed Jensen the phone, and what he saw there made him nauseous, and like he’d been shot in the chest with a 12 gage full of buckshot all at once….

“That bitch..”

............................................................

Your POV:

Walking back through the door of your hotel room you fall face first on the bed.

Exhaustion was a very real thing, but you still had a lot of adrenaline pumping through you, way too much to sleep right now. Your mind racing a thousand miles a second. Analyzing everything that had happened tonight almost to a fault.

Did I dream that or did it really happen?

What's going on with Jensen?

Why was he so upset?

Were Richard and I the only ones that noticed?

Jared obviously saw?

Every time you think about it your skin would tingle where Jensen had touched you. Hell by the time the two of you hand ended the song he was seriously so close for just a moment you thought he was going to kiss you.

Thank God he didn't...

Cause you probably would have passed out in his arms...

Which probably wouldn't have been a bad thing, if you were alone, and not on a stage in front of hundreds of people with cameras and smartphones.

Not cool...

With that thought you picked up your phone, and saw literally hundreds of twitter, facebook, and Instagram notifications on your phone.

Your eyes bulging out of your head as you scrolled through twitter, the video of Jensen and yourself had gone almost viral.

Your head started spinning and you honestly felt like you were going to throw up. Everyone seemed to like it, that wasn't the thing. The SPN fandom was seriously awesome that way, and for the most part everyone supported each other in one way or another...

It was the post from Danneel that shook you from your head to your toes...

"Y/f/n!! Get your ass over here!!" You yelled toward the bathroom where she was brushing her teeth. The room was spinning slightly as you read the tweet over and over again, as if you could make it disappear from the world wide web by sheer willpower...

"What?" She yelled back, running toward the bed, a look of concern on her face.

She knew your tone had changed from joking in the elevator to almost sheer panic.

"What is it?" She asked, taking the phone out of your hand.

"Dang...Poor Jensen!!" She said, staring stocked at the phone. She was staring at the phone in slack jaw shock probably like the rest of the fandom at the moment.. You knew this was just the calm before the storm though, and you were about to be under fire form some of the more hardcore fans in the fandom...

"Well he was having a harder time than what it looks like on the video." You said, she looked at you completely lost. Apparently the audience didn't catch it. A moment ago you would have been relieved, now though you wished they would have just seen him..

Then man was a damn good actor...

"That part in the video that looks like he's kissing my neck….. He wasn't. He had started to cry, and was wiping his face." You mummer, guilt rocking you to your core for agreeing to sing that song with him now that you knew what was going on with him...

"Bullshit!" She yelled. "Why didn't you tell me he was that upset!"

“I thought it wasn't any of our business! What was going on with him was obviously not intended to be a public thing. So I kept my mouth shut out of respect." You shot back.

Looking down at the tweet you still couldn’t believe what you were seeing was really happening..

The tweet was a repost of the video of Jensen and yourself singing. That wasn’t the problem. It was the comment above that made you nauseous.

Well since Jensen seems to have ALREADY moved on to basically screwing fans on a live stage!! Looks like I OWE my fans the explanation! Jensen and I are getting a DIVORCE!!! WE ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER!! I don't know who this girl is, but baby girl RUN!! I PROMISE YOU DON'T WANT THAT!!!

---------------------------------------

A few hours later you found yourself still awake and staring at the ceiling. Sleep wasn’t going to come easy tonight no matter how you sliced it..

You couldn’t believe she did that..

She doesn't even know you!!!

Some fans jumped to your immediate defense, telling her to go screw herself, and that didn’t happen the way the video was making it look, that it was a lot more innocent in person.

Then there were some ‘Jensen always deserved better than you anyways’.

That It was just a performance... Meaning nothing and she needed to get over her high and mighty act...

Jensen was a sweetheart. He was probably totally heartbroken, and she was a bitch...

Then there were some that were attacking you...

"She's just a whore. He'll come crawling back."

"He's a jackass you deserve better."

"She wont even last with him a week."

"She's just a side bitch."

"She's ugly, he downgraded."

"OMG I didn't know Jensen was into fat girls!"

They cut deeper than a stranger's opinion of you probably should have. Especially that last one. You weren't fat by any means, but you also weren't hide stretched over the bones.

You had curves.

Your stomach wasn't perfectly fat.

Your thighs touched together when you walked.

You didn't have a model body, but hell Marline Monroe was fatter than you are!!

You and Jensen we're NOT together in any sense of the word, and by no means was he practically “Screwing you” on stage tonight..

A slight knock on the door disturbed your thoughts, and you looked over to y/f/n.

She was still knocked out.

So you quickly wiped away the tears that had fallen down your face, dragging yourself out of bed. You got up and looked through the peephole in the door, but all you could see was a white t-shirt.

You unlock the door, and peck through the crack to see who was standing there at this hour in the night, and who you saw nearly knocked you on your ass for the second time tonight..

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Tag List: @screechingartisancashbailiff @thecreatiivecorner @aflamboyanceofgays @deanwanddamons @imabitch4jensen @rvgrsbrns @bi-danvers0 @onethirstyunicorn @i-love-superhero @akshi8278 @alanegaming @magssteenkamp @lemondropirwin @squirrelnotsam @hobby27 @spnbaby-67 @mrsjenniferwinchester @defenderrosetyler

Binge Tag: @sarahbaker2010

#jensen ackles #jensen ackles fanfiction #jensen ackles fanfic #jensen ackles series #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #jensen x reader #jensen x you #dark fic #hurt!jensen #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #jawritter

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colbybrocksmolder · 5 years

Text

Damage Control - Colby Brock x Reader (plus size/curvy)

“Welcome to the show, guys. Settle in.” The interviewer welcomed Sam and Colby.

They had been doing bits the last few weeks. Driving up the coast, they had hit 15 or 16 different creator studios to participate in partnered videos. It was crazy and hectic, but it was so cool to see them get so much media attention.

As the interview continued, the guys relaxed quite a bit. The host and the company were super chill, and they had been laughing for about 40 minutes straight.

“In the next segment, I’m going to read off a word and you have to tell me the first funny story that comes to mind, okay?” The host directed.

“Oh, hell yea.” Colby replied, Sam adding an “Oooo this could get juicy.”

After the first few words, the next word asked was “pets”.

Colby immediately turned to Sam with a huge grin on his face, “Dude, should I talk about the…the doggy door?”

“Oh, my god. YES, that’s way funnier than dyeing Circa pink.” Sam laughed. “Y/n is going to kill you”, he teased, clapping his hands and throwing his head back in a fit of laughter.

“Oh, no” the host chuckled. “Okay, out with it!”

“Okay, okay. Oh, my god I have to stop laughing. So, we all used to live in this big house called the Trap House with some of our friends. THEN we spent the following year all separate in our own apartments. Well this last month Sam, Jake, and I and all three of our girlfriends moved into another pretty large house. Y/n, my amazing girlfriend, technically moved in before the rest of us. She’s good at like decorating and organizing and she had to be there to like tell delivery people and workers where to go.” Colby rambled, trying to explain and give context. “So, Jake had gone over to drop some stuff off. Well while he was there, he didn’t realize that y/n was in the back yard and he accidentally locked her out of the house before he left.” Colby chuckled, burying his face in his hands for a second. “Oh, man. This next part is partially my fault.”

“Colby, it was 100% your fault.” Sam laughed.

“Okay, so all MY fans watching this video” Colby looked right at the camera before continuing, “know that my girlfriend is not a skinny girl.” He said casually. “You guys all know her from my last 6 months of videos on my personal channel. For anyone else watching this who maybe doesn’t know who we are or who y/n is, my girl got curves.” Colby mimed the hourglass waist shape with his hands.

Sam cut in, turning to Colby. “Side note, I found out yesterday that y/n’s number is in Kat’s phone under the name ‘baby mama’.”

Colby laughed, “Dude, Kat’s name in Y/n’s phone is way worse.” He laughed, clearing his throat. “That’s a story for another day.”

“Oh, god.” Sam laughed.

‘Okay, okay. Back to my original story.” Colby continued. “When Y/n got locked out of the house, she couldn’t get ahold of Jake. When she called me to see if I was anywhere close to the house, I reminded her that she had JUST had someone install a doggy door because we wanted to get a house dog. I may or may not have suggested that she try to crawl in through the doggy door.”

“Wait, wait, wait. I was in the car with you. Your exact words were ‘Baby, just shimmy that fat ass through the doggy door. You’ll fit. I PROMISE.” Sam called him out, laughing. “Don’t worry, Y/n. I was there. This is totally Colby’s fault.”

“You’re supposed to be on my side, brother!” Colby laughed. “Okay, fine. I definitely told her it would work and it definitely didn’t. And if anyone remembers Y/n doing an Instagram live saying she was bored and waiting for me to get home…The tile you saw her laying on is directly inside our doggy door. She managed to get the girls through the door no problem.” Colby said, holding his pecs to indicate he was talking about her boobs. “But getting her hips through or getting the girls BACK OUT proved to be impossible without a little help from yours truly.” He grinned, pointing his thumbs at himself.

“We made it to the house like 15 minutes later and she was literally half in/half out of the doggy door.” Sam said.

“We all laughed so much it took us like 15 more minutes to get her out.” Colby laughed, rubbing his cheeks. “My face hurts from laughing.”

“At least it sounds like you guys are going to enjoy sharing a house again.” The host said, chuckling at the story. “I’m sure everyone is looking forward to you guys getting back to prank videos and group shenanigans.”

The interview continued on, the boys finally ending their travels the following week and making it back to the house. When that specific interview came out, Colby had called you into your shared bedroom to watch it.

“Oh, god. This is the doggy door one, isn’t it?” you laughed, the boys having told you the same day as the interview that they had told the story.

“Of course.” Colby chuckled, pulling you down on the bed to cuddle with him. He pulled you against him, making you the little spoon and grabbed the remote to play the video on your bedroom tv. You two laughed your asses off, Colby tweeting out the interview and you two moving on with your day.

No one in your house thought twice about anything in that video causing any drama. You’d always been a big girl and Colby didn’t see a single problem with it. So, when you woke up to all of your friends texting you two links to drama pages criticizing Colby for telling the story, you were completely caught off guard. There were videos made saying that Colby was fatphobic or a bully. There were articles written about how embarrassed you must be that your boyfriend doesn’t think you’re skinny.

You opened up the massive group text you guys and your friends used for updates and important shit instead of trying to text everyone back. “Hey, I’m gonna wake Colby up so I can ask him how he wants to handle this bullshit. The pizza night kickback is still happening tonight. Everyone can head over whenever they want because I have a feeling we won’t be leaving the house today.”

You fucking loved the friends you had made through Colby.

Kevin – Your man is proud as hell to show you off. Anyone trying to twist this into some body shaming bullshit needs to hand over their internet access immediately.

Elton – The idiocy of these articles is actually hurting my brain. So, they think Colby was being a bad boyfriend by calling you “not a skinny girl”, but nowhere in the articles are they concerned that Sam admitted to masturbating while wearing Heelys. Priorities, people.

Corey – Do I have permission to post a photo on Instagram of my juicy ass stuck in Navi’s doggy door? Too soon? #toolate

Brennen – Girl, the drama pages can get fucked. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with havin’ a fat ass.

Mike – Aryia said you and I should start a duo channel called fat ass and flat ass. I have no clue what content he expects us to post.

They continued to message you guys both funny and actually encouraging messages.

“I’m making a video” Colby said after scrolling through all of the articles and videos. “And I told the channel the interview is on to keep it up.”

“Do you want me in the video?” you asked, knowing that it might just be a video where he wants to sit by himself and talk.

“I wouldn’t do it without you.” He smiled, leaning over to pull you into a kiss. “Get your bathing suit on. We’re filming this by the pool.”

“Does it matter which bathing suit?” you asked, walking into your closet and chucking Colby’s swim trunks at him.

“Wear my favorite one. The one with the black strappy things.” Colby answered, pulling on his swim trunks and grabbing his camera.

That afternoon, Colby posted the video to his channel. Your friends had all eventually joined you for pizza night and Colby had told them you’d all watch it together. With everyone gathered in the movie room, you cuddled into his side and he pulled the video up on the big screen.

*Video start*

Colby was sitting on the ground by the pool, close to the camera. He was in his swim trunks, shirtless, and his wet hair was pushed to the side, slightly stuck to his forehead. “Hi. My name is Colby Brock and my girlfriend has a fat ass.” He ducked to the side to reveal you standing a few feet behind him. You were stood there with your hips swayed to one side and your arms posed like a Greek goddess. Your voluptuous figure silhouetted against the sun behind you.

Laughs and cat calls alike could be heard throughout the movie room.

Not 3 seconds into the Instagram worthy camera shot, Colby then ran and tackled you into the pool. Both of your laughter could be heard as you fell in and swam to the surface of the water. Colby pulling you into a quick kiss before the camera cut to the next clip.

You two were sat in the grass next to each other on a beach towel. The camera a few feet in front of you. Colby spoke, “As most of you probably know by now, I shared a funny story about y/n in an interview Sam and I did about a week ago. This story has since then been taken and twisted somehow into me body shaming my own girlfriend.” Colby turned his head and connected his gaze with yours, adoration clear on his face. His hand moved to rest draped over your thigh. He continued talking, his eyes still staring back into yours. “The people trying to make it seem like I was in any way disrespecting this beautiful woman have truly lost the plot.”

In the movie room you could hear a few “awwwws” until Mike cut in. “Why are you two always so goddamn cute” He was fake crying, his hand over his heart.

On the screen, Colby turned back to face the camera, his hand staying on your thigh. “The people writing that I embarrassed Y/n by saying she wasn’t a skinny girl are really just embarrassing themselves. Y/n isn’t skinny.” Colby’s fingers dug into your thigh a bit. “This isn’t an insult or a jab or said to be mean in any way…and most importantly it’s not a reason for her or anyone watching this video to be embarrassed. And I think that’s what pisses me off about this whole thing the most.”

The video cut to a new clip, the camera on the side of the pool. The two of you were in the water, Colby behind you with his arms around you. It was your turn to speak. “The problem with the criticism that Colby has gotten over this story is that it implies I should be ashamed of my body. If he had shared a story about one of his thin friends getting stuck somewhere no one would have batted a single eye. This furthers the bullshit idea that it’s okay to be clumsy or quirky or to do stupid shit if you’re thin, but oh buddy, us fat kids have to make sure we don’t embarrass ourselves. To everyone that posted negative things about what Colby said…Instead of pretending to be body positive by acting like you were somehow coming to my rescue, why don’t you actually do something to spread self-love and body confidence. Some of you have MILLIONS of teenage girls and boys watching your videos and reading your articles.”

Colby pulled you against him, momentarily upset you even had to make this video. He let you finish and added on to what you said. “To any young people watching this video…Actually, maybe some of the older people need to hear this too…don’t let anyone tell you how much space you’re allowed to take up. Don’t let anyone tell you how loud you’re allowed to be or bright you’re allowed to shine. You don’t have to fit in some cookie cutter mold.”

Before Colby could continue you slipped in “Or in a doggy door”, laying your head back against his shoulder and busting out laughing.

Colby laughed, leaning down to kiss you. Looking back at the camera, he continued. “Watching my chubby girlfriend laugh her ass off while stuck in our doggy door will always be one of my favorite memories.” He moved the two of you towards the camera, resting his chin on your shoulder. “And how shitty would it have been if this wonderful human here in my arms wasn’t able to laugh at it because she was too self-conscious or worried that she was somehow embarrassing me.”

Colby kissed your cheek. You smiled and started talking. “Don’t let some fake, unattainable, BS beauty or body standard steal the joy out of your moments. If you spend your whole life worried about what other people are thinking about you, you’re going to miss out on so much.”

“People can say whatever they want about my relationship.” Colby said, smiling. “I don’t really care, at this point. I’m happy.”

*Video end*

Claps, cheers, and awws could be heard from everyone sprawled out in the movie room.

“I am seriously impressed with how you guys handled that.” Elton said, reaching over to pat Colby on the back.

“I like that you guys kept it funny, too. It’s very you.” Kat said.

“I’m not gonna lie. I heard everything you said, but I really just stared at y/n’s boobs the whole video.” Tara laughed.

“I wondered why your mouth was hanging open the whole time.” Jake teased her.

“I was definitely distracted while editing it.” Colby chuckled.

“Do you think it will get good feedback?” Sam asked.

“Yes and no.” you answered.

“Why no?” Colby asked.

“Well, it’ll get praise for being ballsy and honest, and it’ll get talked about because it’s about body image. Plus, we’re cute as fuck” You laughed. “But you’ll always get those people who feel like they have to tell you who you should be dating. I’ll get comments about how I really should have been wearing a one piece or that I’d be so pretty if I dropped a few pounds.”

“Miserable people hate seeing other people happy.” Mike said.

“Exactly.” You agreed.

“Well those fuckers can unsubscribe then.” Colby said, holding you a bit tighter. “I’ve got my happy right here and I’m not letting her go.”

#colby brock #colby brock x reader #colby brock imagine #colby brock plus size #colby brock oneshot

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amphtaminedreams · 4 years

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The Eras of Lana Del Rey: Lookbook no.9

Hi to anyone reading,

Hope you’re okay! AND that you didn’t end up here because you searched the Lana Del Rey tag so you could see people ranting about her-you’re about to be very disappointed. Sorry. This is not about to be some Question for the Culture discourse because the world is bleak enough right now and the last thing we all need is to be reminded of that saga.

Being a Lana Del Rey fan is easy, they said. She’s not a controversial artist, they said. And yet 2020 had to do what it does best and fuck everything up.

Whether people like her or not, it’s made me so angry reading all the abuse she’s been getting about her appearance for the last couple of weeks, because I really thought that if we could agree on anything it was that attacking individuals for the way they look because you dislike something they’ve done (with the exception of shit like racist tattoos and blackfishing) is, you know, awful and judgemental as fuck? Like you do realise when you treat the word fat as a pejorative that the fat people you don’t have a problem with understood that you meant it as an insult too? I think what all those people tweeting about Lana’s weight, and that includes some of her fans, are forgetting is that she was in her early 20s when she was thrust into the limelight. As much as there’s this conspiracy that her dad bought her a career in the music industry, she’d made the decision to go it alone and had lived in a trailer park as a struggling musician for years. On top of that, we have the unreleased tracks with lyrics seemingly referencing an eating disorder in her younger years. OF COURSE her body is going to look different. Why is it that we treat weight gain as an inherently bad thing without any insight into the other factors that constitute a person’s “health”? It’s fucking insane that so many feel they have the right to comment on other’s bodies in the first place and it breaks my heart that she might be reading these comments. This wasn’t intended to necessarily be a rant about how much I love this woman but all the shit I’ve read about her on the internet these past few months have pushed me to it. You'll respect your queen of alternative music or I shall stan twice as hard on your behalf. You can thank me later when you come to your senses xoxo

I’d love to say it was intentional that I finally finished this post the week Violet Bent Backwards Over the Grass was released but that would imply I have my shit way more together than I actually do. If I’m being completely honest, I’ve only heard L.A Who am I to Love You so far 1). because I want to wait for the hard copy for the rest and that doesn’t turn up til September and 2). because I do not have my shit together, lol. That being said, there is no doubt in my mind that I am going to love it-one thing I have always loved about Lana’s lyrics is how well they paint a picture and this is something that poetry only more freely allows for the exploration of. That ability to create such a strong narrative voice and atmosphere is a talent that extends to her visuals and the production of her records too, and is something I really missed when it comes to the Norman Fucking Rockwell era. I’m just going to say it: a strong aesthetic is to NFR as memorable songs are to Lust for Life. Lacking. Am I allowed to say that as a fan? The collaborations don’t do it for me, okay, and as as NFR is concerned, aside from The Greatest/Fuck It I Love You video which went down the whole neon surfer girl route, it’s hard to identify a cohesive theme. It’s understandable that at this point, she would want to just focus purely on the music, and it goes without saying that NFR will stand the test of time in that regard but I don’t think we can deny that when people think of Lana in the future, it’s not gonna be a green windbreaker that comes into their heads.

^Illustration credit to Filip Kozak (https://filipkozaksart.tumblr.com/?fbclid=IwAR3vwLX2pNxoFNhTPD1ky14LllPqlLtL1GxGlD79xuHxdtzcHLw-6aNBZWo)

And here’s where this Filip Kozak illustration comes into it; after years of it sitting in my camera roll for years, it finally has a use. There’s really nothing better to illustrate how mundane life has become this year than the disproportionate level of excitement my photo-hoarding-self experienced realising it would fit perfectly into this post and is thus eligible for deletion. Up there with being able to fit a whole box of biscuits onto the shelf at work rather than having to individually take out as many as I can and then shove them on top of the existing box of biscuits one by one. Truly riveting content on this Tumblr page. Back to the point-by using this as my stimulus for the post rather than the Lana Del Rey albums as outfits tag that went round on Twitter, I can conveniently exclude NFR as an outfit inspiration category, and that saves me from having to buy a charity shop windbreaker with its price bumped up 150% by some upper middle class Depop e-girl or boy who uses the word peng as a descriptor like it’s a nervous tic. To make up for leaving out NFR, I’ve tried to branch out a bit and do the outfits not just based on the music videos or album covers but also from street style and stage looks and photoshoots from around the same period too. It was hard not to be influenced by the general “vibe” and sound of the albums either when I was planning outfits, whether it’s the grand, orchestral instrumentals of Born to Die or the 70s psychedelic rock inspired riffs of Ultraviolence and hopefully that’ll show as well! Enjoy:D

Born to Die (Release Date: 27th January 2012)

It’s been 8 years, and when you ask most people what they think of when they hear the name Lana Del Rey, they’ll probably dismiss her as the one who sings about being sad and doing coke and sleeping with older men. That’s the Born to Die impact. Say what you want but it’s one of only a handful of albums released by a female artist to have spent more than 300 weeks on the Billboard 200 chart and it really established the mythos of “Lana Del Rey” because before all this, before all the think pieces from other women claiming she’d set feminism back hundreds of years with her music, before she ousted grayscale Effy Stonem as the queen of angsty teen Tumblr (which as you can probably guess was a subsection of the internet I was very much engulfed by, lmao), she was just Lizzie Grant, a relatively normal aspiring singer songwriter in her early twenties. But as Lana Del Rey, she was someone else-some beautiful, mystical being that personified the sentiment of being born in the wrong era. Whilst every other singer’s record labels seemed to be trying desperately to thrust them into the future and keep them on top of all the musical and stylistic trends, it was refreshing to hear someone whose music and visuals captured all the most glamorous elements of the past. Part Priscilla Presley/Jackie O reincarnation (the National Anthem video really illustrated how Lana is just as much a storyteller as she is a musician), part high level mobster’s wayward wife à la Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, she was the good girl by day and the bad girl by night, and I think that’s a duality we can all relate to or would like to think we’re interesting enough to relate to deep down.

Her style from around this period was EVERYTHING. She had those grungy Tumblr girl elements, the camo jacket and the oversized pieces and the leather jackets, but she also heavily drew on the styles and silhouettes of the 50s and 60s with the beehives and the new look Dior inspired cinched waist dresses. Even now in 2020, I think this period is what most people would think if they were asked to describe Lana’s style. I made sure I got the grungy pieces in there with the chunky boots and the vinyl and the oversized leather but the foundation of her looks back then were usually these daintier throwback pieces like the white silk dress and the corset and the mint fur trimmed coat (House of Sunny’s Penny Pistachio coat).

Favourite lyrics from the album? “Now my life is sweet like cinnamon, like a fucking dream I'm living in” from Radio. Nobody asked but I’m gonna give it to you anyway.

Born to Die: The Paradise Edition (Release Date: 9th November 2012)

Lana’s Paradise EP contains probably my absolute favourite song of her’s, Ride, and with that, the beautiful opening monologue that will stay in my mind forever. This era was of course ushered in by Tropico, the short film that included the premiere of the songs Bel Air, Body Electric and Gods and Monsters, which established the ethereal tone of this period-it’s in the name, after all. Both the album and the videos were other-worldly and leaned heavily on religious symbolism which I’m sure pissed off many a middle-aged bible basher at the time. Most prominent in her lyrics were reflections on the freedom of the open road which corresponded with visuals of biker gangs and desert dwellers and modern interpretations of the Wild West, as was an attempt to capture the nature of the so-called “American spirit” which as Lana portrayed it shared more qualities with a kind of celestial, transient being than any kind of solid concept or identity. She played an emotionally detached stripper and a haunted saloon-style-bar singer (almost looking like a runaway bride) and Eve the “first woman” all in the same album and honestly, if that’s not iconic, I don’t know what is. We saw SO many incredible red carpet looks in this period too which built upon this idea of her as the fallen angel tempted by original sin that Tropico established; I feel like this era was all about laying bare the soul of the character she played, this broken, delicate but ultimately liberated being that was so dangerous to the idea of the strong, stable modern feminist ideal. She went about it in COMPLETELY the wrong way in a post that betrayed the ignorance of the privilege she has as a white female performer, but I think this is what she was getting at in it and Ultraviolence only went on to bolster her critics.

In response to the criticism she still receives about the choice to wear a Native American war bonnet in her Ride music video, I’d like to say that it really seems like she’s learnt from that-actions speak louder than words and so though it’s not my place to say whether this makes up for that error, the work she’s done with Native American reparations-focussed foundations since and the money she’s donated to the cause says a lot about her intentions. Again, I want to stress that it’s not my place to say! But it’s a detail that is often overlooked so I thought I’d mention it here.

“I was a singer, not a very popular one. I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky, that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.”

Ultraviolence (Release Date: 13th June 2014)

AH, Ultraviolence. My favourite of Lana’s albums and imo, a masterpiece. ONE skip. ONE. Sorry Guns and Roses. I got stoned in my back garden and listened to this (for research purposes ofc, heh) and ended up deciding that this is what I want to listen to when I die (also whilst stoned). It sounds dramatic but listening to this album in that state of mind is such a heavenly experience that I’d be too zen to notice myself slipping away into nothingness on the basis that if I didn’t as long as I could stay in that bubble of awe, nothingness forever wouldn’t be so scary after all. I know, I know, that sentence has big Jaden Smith’s old tweets energy. But if an album is what helps me get over an existential crisis, I beg you allow me the nonsensical ramblings about how I felt like I was ascending into the stars.

Though in terms of the lyrical content the public perception is probably correct, I think the reputation Ultraviolence has as Lana’s darkest, most gothic album (which is something I’ve in incorporated into the outfits I put together) is mistaken; instrumentally and visually it drew more on 70s psychedelic rock and the bohemian counter culture of the period than anything, and her stage looks are a clear reflection of that, and also the outfits I was most excited to channel. It seems counter-intuitive to the moody atmosphere I associate the tracklist with but it’s my go-to summer album; it’s raw (probably her most stripped back work along with NFR, lots of the songs are barely edited) and it’s gloomy but let’s be real, hot as fuck-don’t bother making a sex playlist, just put Ultraviolence on shuffle, and you’re good to go. This was the album where Lana debuted some of her most criticised lyrics and where the notion that she glamourises abuse comes from, one of the points she also seemed to be getting at in the Instagram post, but imo it’s fair to say that she sang truthfully about the initial allure of a dangerous relationship and the nature of the mindset that facilitates staying with somebody poisonous where you do feel like you’re nothing without them. Turning horrific experiences into romantic tragedies is how Lana has always made her music and yeah, out of context there are some fucked up lyrics on the album, but policing how a woman expresses her trauma and complaining that she glorifies weakness because she wrote honestly about the reality of a complicated partnership is hardly any more “feminist” than the lyrics themselves. I can only guess that the reason Lana felt the need to bring up this criticism in 2020 is because these darker themes are going to be revisited in her upcoming album and that in spite of the issues with the way she expressed herself, this time critics will be more accepting of how she chooses to address these themes.

On a lighter note “yeah my boyfriend's pretty cool, but he's not as cool as me” will always be a great line. Simple but effective. If my boyfriend ever is cooler than me it’ll be doing Lana a disservice.

Honeymoon (Release Date: 18th September 2015)

Considering that a lot of other Lana fans are of the opinion that this is her best album, I find it weird that I really don’t remember all that much about this period, other than High by the Beach being released and then hearing Salvatore and Freak for the first time. I guess because she didn’t do a Honeymoon specific tour and didn’t make that many public appearances in this period? It was definitely harder for me to find visual reference points beyond the HbtB music video and the cover art, so I mostly drew on the general vibe of the album, a cinematic accompaniment to a summer in Italy or the South of France, filled with exotic instrumentals and the sense of impending romantic doom that Lana does so well. I suppose if I associate the visuals of this era with anything it’s idyllic florals and warm tones, bygone country club pool days, a rich American’s vacation in Southern Europe, long walks on the beach (and as our Lord and Saviour Jujubee once said, big dicks and fried chicken). Apparently inspired by Lana’s relationship with Francesco Carrozini, it’s a hazy story of some ultra-feminine, submissive archetype becoming unhealthily enchanted by a mysterious “foreign man” who’s ultimately not all that good for her, which as the story goes turned out to be quite prophetic. Going against the grain, it’s my least favourite of her albums after Lust for Life, but in spite of that, I will always remember how obsessed I was with the sax riffs (I think? I don’t know my instruments all that well so forgive me, lol) on Freak and I definitely understand why it’s a firm favourite for so many.

“You could be a bad motherfucker, but that don’t make you a man.” was truly a cultural reset of a line.

-on an unrelated note, OMG, I never realised how I have my mouth open in literally every fucking photo I take, somebody tell me how to pose, please and thank you-

Lust for Life (Release Date: 21 July 2017)

Lust for Life is a controversial one. On the one hand, I appreciate that this album was the victory cry of a happier, more independent, politically-aware Lana in spite of it apparently being a far more optimistic sounding album than the one she wanted to release, but on the other there were way too many collaborations for me and this meant that the album lacked a sense of cohesion and the characteristic narrative thread that usually runs throughout her tracklist. Aside from Love, Cherry, Get Free and Tomorrow Never Came, most of the songs on the album aren’t hugely memorable and it’s a crying shame that a collaboration with STEVIE FUCKING NICKS of all people left so much to be desired. Coming from two witchy icons, I expected something absolutely magical so maybe I was setting myself up for failure, but come on. We could’ve had a real anthem there.

Aesthetically speaking however, this is one of my favourite eras for Lana, which is unsurprising when you consider the tracklist contains references to both Woodstock and Coachella. I’m not gonna lie, I think seeing Coachella fashion in my early teens was my style awakening-I remember seeing Vanessa Hudgens’ outfits and being like, wow, I want to be her (oh, what a fall from grace)-so the late 60s/early 70s flower power groupie style Lana adopted in this period really spoke to me. It was all long hair and dreamy pastels, and this era included some of the most head-to-toe coordinated looks we’ve ever seen from her. Of course I couldn’t completely abandon the grungy touches that I love, that I tend to associate with the early Lana street style days and the Paradise and Ultraviolence music videos rather than with this album, but I’m never gonna pass up an opportunity to whack out a good floral two piece and putting together Lust for Life inspired looks is the perfect excuse to do that.

So, that marks the end of this post! If you made it to the end, thank you so much for reading! I have a Yesstyle lookbook and review to edit but now that I’ve finished that, I’m trying to go down more of a style inspiration focussed route with my lookbooks rather than just putting together outfits from clothes I’ve just bought (though I might still do one every so often to bring in a new season-let’s just ignore the fact that they’re all blending into one bc climate change for now, one catastrophe at a time please universe). I find that if you have a specific idea in mind of what you want, it’s super easy to find something similar on Depop and Ebay and that way you avoid buying new things and also take old things off a person’s hands that might otherwise end up being thrown out by a charity shop and then dumped into a landfill from there. Something I’d LOVE to do before this year is out is put together a lookbook based on the most stylish TV shows of the last decade, but that probably won’t be for a while-even so, if you have any recommendations of series to watch which could fit into this category, let me know!

To finish, I need to go a little bit off-topic so forgive me, but I truly don’t know why this even needs to be said: WEAR A FUCKING MASK. IT IS NOT A POLITICAL ISSUE. IT IS A BASIC HYGIENIC PRACTICE THAT HELPS SPREAD THE STOP OF A HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS DISEASE! RUDIMENTAL SCIENCE! NOT A CHANCE TO PROVE HOW “EDGY” YOU ARE! SERIOUSLY, STOP MAKING A FUCKING PANDEMIC ABOUT YOURSELF! NOBODY ENJOYS WEARING THEM BUT THEY HELP PROTECT OTHERS! SO UNLESS YOU HAVE A VALID MEDICAL REASON NOT TO BE WEARING ONE, DON’T BE A SELFISH PRICK!

Sorry to sign off on a rant-y note with something that has nothing to do with Lana, lol, but all the stupidity has been grinding me gears lately and I had to let it out on behalf of all retail workers: if we can wear a mask for 9 hours at a time, YOU can tolerate the mild discomfort of wearing one for 10 minutes. I know this doesn’t apply to the majority of people but there’s always a couple of arseholes, isn’t there!?

Stay safe,

Lauren x

#ldr #lana #lana del rey #fashion #fashion blogger #style blogger #outfit inspo

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loverofmine5sos · 4 years

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Insecure - Muke

Pairing: Michael x Luke

Summary / Notes: After some fans tweet, Michael found himself insecure about the way he looks. Luke finds out and helps him through it.

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety / panic attacks , Possibly triggering topics ( such as weight or appearance ) , Swearing, Luke calls Michael kitten (a few times)

Words: 1.4k

Author notes: This is my first fan fiction post on this account! I have done these in the past but on different accounts. If you have any requests feel free to message them to me and i’d be more than happy to write them out! I’ll write pretty much anything! -

Michael soon regretted his decision of scrolling on twitter that day. He was dressed for the day in a light gray fluffy sweater that was actually lukes, and black skinny jeans.

Luke was gone for the day which left Michael bored laying in their shared bed. It was a genuinely okay day, for awhile Mikey had decided to sit outside seeing it was sunny and warm out. Soon that made him bored though.

So he overall ended up back in bed scrolling on his phone. He had enough of Instagram so he decided to go over to twitter. He thought this would be a good idea until he saw his timeline.

Hundreds of tweets about his recent photo he posted on instagram. There were tweets along the lines of “why is his hair like that?”, or “he looks better in other pictures”. This was usual for the band to get hate. Michael sometimes had a hard time dealing well with it though.

He sighed and set his phone down. “Maybe I should get water.” He thought to himself before uncovering himself. He walked down the dimly lit stairs of his and Luke’s home. Somehow with how bright it was outside the light didn’t make the stairs very lit up.

He walked into the kitchen once downstairs and grabbed a glass pouring water into it. He slowly started to drink it, but when he was half way done he set the cup down. The thoughts of the comments were playing in his head.

He slowly walked back up the stairs with his water walking back into the brightly lit bedroom. He sat down on the king sized bed setting his cup of water on the nightstand next to the bed. He picked his phone back up taking a deep breath.

He decided to scroll through the tweets more. There were continuous terrible tweets popping up on his timeline. “He looks fat here”, “why does he look like that”, “Luke should date Ashton instead” were the kinds of tweets he saw.

The one about Luke was the last straw for Mikey. He couldn’t hold it together anymore. He kept scrolling as tears left his eyes falling onto the screen of his phone. He loves Luke, but what if Luke didn’t like him anymore, he thought to himself.

All he wanted was his boyfriend to be happy. “What if they were right, maybe I shouldn’t eat.. luke would be happier with me then.. id look better for him” he continued thinking to himself.

He threw his phone on the bed and walked to the bathroom and saw himself in the mirror. The bathroom was also dimly lit due to the fact there were no mirrors and the light bulb was slowly going out.

“They’re so right...” he says quietly poking at his cheeks and looking at his body. “M not pretty for Luke..” he says sighing letting more tears fall. He pulls off his shirt to reveal his upper half. “M-my arms are so ugly” he mutters starting to cry harder.

“L-look at my f-face it’s not e-even cute” he continues stuttering from crying so much. All of a sudden his legs give out as he cries. He feels his whole body going numb and he knows exactly what’s happening. All he can do is cry.

During all of this he didn’t hear luke walk in the door. Luke had just got home from doing some last minute vocals in the studio to finish up the album. He had been gone since earlier that morning and wasn’t supposed to be hone till a lot later than he was. So, Michael didn’t expect him to be home.

Luke set his bag down on the counter and called out for Michael. “Mikey baby, im home!” He called out but didn’t get any response. “Weird” he thought. Usually Michael would be waiting for Luke downstairs, ready to cuddle or play video games.

Petunia ran up to Luke barking. “Hi baby!” He says picking her up as she licked his face. “Where’s Michael, petunia?” He says setting her back down on the floor. She runs off upstairs into their shared bedroom so Luke assumes he’s in there, probably napping.

He walked up the stairs taking his jacket off. He finally makes it into their shared bedroom but doesn’t see Michael. He gets confused but soon hears the soft cries from the shut bathroom door. “Fuck” luke thinks to himself as he walks over to the door.

“Mikey, baby I’m home open the door” he says quietly but loud enough for Michael to hear. Luke tries to open the door himself figuring if Michael was upset he wouldn’t open the door, but it was locked. “Bub please open the door” he says starting to get worried because all he hears is Michaels soft cries.

Luke pushes himself into the door which makes it pop open and he sees Michael laying on the floor, with no shirt, crying. Lukes heart sank, he hated seeing his boyfriend cry. He never wanted Michael to ever be so upset

“Baby” Luke says but it comes off as a whisper. “N-no c-can’t see m-me like t-this” Michael cries out shaking badly. Luke sits down on the floor immediately pulling Mikey onto his lap. He slowly rocks him back and forth trying to help calm him down.

“Don’t cry baby, im here. Shh” luke says keeping a tight grip on Michael. “B-but” Michael starts to say but luke starts to talk. “C’mon baby it’s okay” he says knowing Michael is still having a panic attack. Michael cries into Luke. He feels to heavy to be in Lukes lap so he tries to pull away from Luke to cry on the floor again.

“Kitten what are you doing?” Luke says keeping a tight grip on Mikey making the older boy give up on trying to get out of Lukes lap. “M-m t-too h-heavy” Mikey cries out burying his face in Lukes chest.

“No you aren’t kitten shh” Luke sighs starting to figure out what’s going on. This isn’t the first time Michael has had this happen. It hurt luke to know how badly self conscious Mikey was. Michael believed he was annoying, ugly, and couldn’t do anything good. But Luke knew this was all wrong. Michael was the best looking, nicest, person he had ever met. Michael was in no way annoying.

Luke picked up Michael and stood up moving him to their bed and sitting down there instead. He finally saw Michael’s phone and what the boy had been reading earlier making him think all of this. Luke started tearing up as he saw the tweets people had been sending to Mikey that he had been reading.

“You know what Michael?” Luke said and Mikey knew as soon as Luke said his full name that what he was about to say was important. “H-hm” he says shaking holding onto Lukes t-shirt with a tight grip.

“You’re so amazing, you can play guitar so well, you’re the most handsome person I’ve ever laid eyes on. You’re such a good boy Mikey, don’t waste your pretty tears” luke said looking down at Michael. “You’re so amazing. I love your body, I love you Michael” he added.

“R-really?” Mikey said wiping his tears looking up into Lukes bright blue eyes. “Really, Mikey. I don’t know what i’d do without you” Luke says easing up on Mikey a bit so he could sit up.

Michael sat up and finally was calming down. “Do you still love me, Luke?” He says playing with the bottom of Luke shirt. Luke nods and starts to speak “so much, kitten” he says, hugging the boy again. Mikey finally felt okay enough to go grab one of Lukes hoodies and slipped it on.

“Looks so good on you bub” Luke smiles awing at at how adorable his boyfriend looked in his clothes. Mikey smiles and walks back to the bed. “Cuddle?” He says wanting no more than to be close to Luke.

Luke nods and lays down cuddling with Mikey. He pulls out his phone and decides to tweet about the hate to Michael and everyone started to trend the “weloveyoumichael” hastag making Luke smile.

“I love you Lu” Mikey says slowly falling asleep.

“I love you too, kitten. So much more than you know.” Luke smiles down at Mikey kissing his forehead as he drifts off to sleep.

#5 seconds of summer #5sos #ashton irwin #calum hood #luke hemmings #michael clifford #5sos4 #5sos imagines #luke hemmings imagine #michael clifford imagine #muke #5sos ship

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promisenolies · 5 years

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So... I never want to forget what BTS Chicago Night One was like... the pictures and video will help that I got.. but I wanted more. Something concrete...so I wrote this:

I have sincere doubts that I’ll ever be able to accurately describe what going to BTS’s Speak Yourself show in Chicago on May 11, 2019 meant to me. Part of being able to convey why it was such a life-altering experience for me would include y’all having an understanding as to why I love these guys so much, what their music, and general existence means to me. And that, is a task that is beyond my capabilities…but I’ll try.

I didn’t know what I was missing. I shrugged my daughter off when she’d try to tell me about them or get me to listen to their music. I didn’t understand why anyone would listen to music outside of their native language. How do you even enjoy it? But then…in July…I heard Fake Love on the radio while on my way to a Hanson String Theory show. Something about it called to me. I jumped in and started reading lyrics (as the message is always my number one concern—after having a good groove/sound) …and I fell in love. –Do you know how hard it is to find a great beat and fat bass WITHOUT sexually degrading lyrics? Damn near impossible until BTS for me. Instead of ‘bitches, hos, money, drugs, and pimping’ they’re singing about chasing dreams, rejecting status quo, finding home with those you love and who love you, about love, relationships, and connection. They sing a wide range—pop, pop/rock, rap, hip-hop…it keeps my many moods quite satisfied. Their music fully transcends language. You can just FEEL it, so deeply, so wholly, you don’t need to know every last word to get the message.

Then, I fell in love with THEM. I fell in love with their message of loving ourselves, speaking our truths, of not trying to meet anyone else’s expectations, to do what makes YOU happy. They are so engaged, humble, gracious, and kind. They’re funny and dorky. They’re reflective and intellectual. They’re driven and talented.

Yes, they’re a “boy band.” Yes, they dance and wear ‘costumes.’ But these boys also write and produce their own stuff (with others as well…but still—active participants!) and always sing live. They give 110% for a minimum of two hours-even to the point of getting sick/passing out/injuring themselves.

And the fan base!! Holy mother! Sure I feel a little isolated here in small town MN in my love for these boys (aside from my kid, my cousin’s kid, and a few friends of theirs) but the fan base is MASSIVE. And incredibly welcoming (for the most part). There’s drama of course—I mean, there are at least 20 million of us. But it’s pretty easy to stay out of and find people to connect with. It’s one thing to know there’s a network of us online… it’s a completely different thing to experience it.

Which, I guess, brings me to this past weekend. After a roughly 8 hour drive, we arrived in Chicago. Right away, the streets were sprinkled with ARMIES—BTS and BT21 gear proudly worn and displayed. A sense of belonging and home seeped in. And that’s not a new sensation for me, as I’ve felt that every time I went to Tulsa, or Back To The Island or any other Hanson event/show. It’s a beautiful feeling. We got checked in and decided to head to Soldier Field as the merch lines were already open and apparently essentially non-existent. The field area had a small number of ARMY milling about, nothing too crazy. We stopped and took a picture of a few BTS banners, then found the merch area. And yeah, after less than a half hour later we were at the front of the line, mostly certain of our merch choices. I pretty much wanted it all, but had to limit myself. We wandered a bit more, and that’s when it finally started to sink in…I was in the same city as seven men who had altered my emotional well being over the last 10-11 months, I would be seeing them LIVE in around 12 hours. I was quickly overwhelmed and started to cry. It feels somewhat embarrassing to say, and I don’t even fully understand what it was that overwhelmed me so much. The rest of the evening was pretty chill—grabbed some dinner and mentally tried to prepare ourselves for the next day.

The next day we went back down to Soldier field—equipped with layers and an umbrella because the weather was turning cold and rainy. When we arrived we knew we made the right call by going to get merch the afternoon before because the merch line was RIDICULOUS – we’re talking thousands of people in line. There were multiple merch locations—all with the same size lines! But we wanted to get pictures done at the BTS Studio – a very neat little booth where you get to “interact” with one of the guys via a sort of hologram like thing, but the pictures turn out so freaking legit I was dying to get one. ….however….BigHit/Mattel (I don’t know who made this call..but!) cut off the general line after we waited for two hours. There were at least a couple hundred more behind us waiting, as well as about a hundred in front of us, and there were five hours left before doors opened to the stadium so it literally made ZERO sense to cut the line. BTS SOLD OUT Soldier Field (roughly 70,000 seats) and they only allowed 250 general people into the studio (there were more QR holders—which tons of ARMY tried for an only a few got) … it was a disaster. I suppose I would have been less angry had it not been so ungodly COLD out. We certainly did not plan for 40 degree weather in MAY.

We decided to hop an Uber and go back to the hotel until showtime. After lunch we drove downtown to check out the BTS Pop-up Store situation, and then made a quick decision to avoid that line as it literally wrapped around an entire downtown Chicago city block – INSANE—but beautiful. So, back to the hotel. The weather was not clearing up, and I was starting to worry about the show—both for our comfort but also and more importantly the guys’ safety. Wet stages are slippery and these boys don’t hold back, the risk of injury was high. So, we joked and tweeted a bit about how Yoongi (Suga) needed to say out loud that he wanted the rain to stop and skies to clear because anything Yoongi says out loud tends to happen – saying he wanted BTS to win daesangs (Korean absolute top awards – they now have 15 from 2016 to 2018) saying he wanted to go to the Grammys (and they presented at this year’s Grammy Awards) saying he wanted Billboard top 200 (done) Billboard top 100 (done) A Billboard Music Award (done x4 – three top social artist and this years top group award). So we called on Yoongi to say he didn’t want the rain… and while the boys may have said it was the power of ARMY that cleared the skies I still say it was Yoongi.

When we got into the venue another rush of realization hit me when I saw how CLOSE to the stage we were. I may have missed out on the VIP tickets (thanks to the stupid ticketmaster app freezing on my phone) but level 100 was INCREDIBLE. Absolutely astounding really. We got our ARMY Bombs paired to our seats and then waited. They play music videos while we wait, and it was amusing to have fans scream for those as well – and indicative of how insane it was going to be once all the fans were in and seated because it was loud even with just around a few thousand inside. My brain still couldn’t quite comprehend that I was about to see BTS live, that I was as close as I was, and that it wasn’t a dream.

The thing about it is…once it started, I had no idea what to do. Do I watch the stage, do I watch the screen, do I not try to capture any video or pictures and just dance, sing, and scream? I tried to do all of those options, but I still feel like I missed so much. I feel like it all went so quickly.

They opened with DIONYSUS – from their new album Map of the Soul: Persona. A heavy hitting, party-anthem type song. A great opener to get the crowd hyped up (as if we needed the help) The pyrotechnics warmed it up a bit when they went off (holy shit we really were close!) The stage was amazing! Large silver leopards behind them, Greek pillars adorning the sides…totally fitting of Dionysus.

They transitioned straight into NOT TODAY—another heavy hitter for bass, power, and intense choreo. Theses guys BURST into their stage presence, taking no prisoners and leaving us all breathless and trembling. The sensation of hearing tens of thousands of other fans screaming with you, singing with you, and doing fan chants for the guys…well, that’s a feeling I’ve never felt before.

My first round of tears started when they did their introductions/welcome speeches. Let’s be honest, I’m Jimin biased through and through. He will always hold the biggest part of my heart out of the seven. And, honestly, I thought he was the most beautiful being I’d ever seen…but to see him in person…holy mother, there is no comparing it. He’s absolutely ethereal. An angel just walking among us. But each of their moments touched me, made me smile or laugh or just bask in the feel of love they send to us. And then…WINGS. I was so excited to know that they were performing Wings as it’s one of my favorite songs and I worried I’d never hear it live since it’s an older one. My teary-eyed state did not go away once they started it, even though it’s an upbeat song. There’s just something about BTS singing about facing fears and chasing dreams, having their wings spread and taking them to where they want to go…feeling that it was the work of ARMY helping them get there…but I know for a fact that ARMY also feel that BTS are our wings too—the way we feel encouraged and empowered to live authentically and without apology, to chase dreams and find our passions.

A small break and then we got J-Hope’s solo JUST DANCE Hobi is a great entertainer, clearly loves the stage and his passion for dance is legitimately felt through the entire stadium. After J-Hope we got an iconic performance of EUPHORIA by Jungkook. Kookie is stunning! Absolutely beautiful. He goes from adorable baby bunny to professional rockstar in half a second. His vocals are solid and his choreo locked down. But who thought up the crazy idea of hanging onto a giant hook-like-thing and just soaring over the crowd on a cable!? My mama bear heart struggled with that, fam. But he did great and seems to really enjoy it so we’ll let it pass.

BEST OF ME!! Ugh, another song I was DESPERATE to hear live and worried I never would. A stellar performance! The energy was still high with them and us, everyone singing along and dancing. So many of their songs are “one of my favorites” but this one definitely is. And I was GIDDY hearing it live. And yes, the answer call between Jimin and Jungkook was a highlight.

Clear the stage, play a quick video… and then… SERENDIPITY. This experience STILL feels like it didn’t happen. Jimin singing live… wow… just… I lack words to express Jimin and his performance. His choreography is always some of the most intricate and demanding and yet he does it flawlessly while maintaining his angelic vocals. He didn’t get the title main dancer by chance. The level of professionalism is incredible. You can tell he feels so loved by ARMY, his smile is so genuine and gracious as he’s absorbing all our cheering and screaming…and yeah, maybe a little bit of sobbing. He’s a soft, sweet person and an absolute powerhouse on stage—even with a ballad such as Serendipity.

And then RM brings us back up in energy with his solo LOVE. They’re all great performers, and RM is no exception. It’s hard to capture a good picture of him because he’s constantly moving on the stage, making rounds to every corner. Another beautiful moment to be chanting “salam salam salam (person person person) and salang salang salang (love love love)” with tens of thousands of fans… it’s quite overwhelming.

BOY WITH LUV is like a blur for me. They all looked AMAZING. I loved the mix of pink and blue clothing. I probably missed a ton of moments through that song because my brain short circuited, I tried to get some pictures but the movement is so constant that not many of them turned out. Strong vocals, a ton of fun together, an all around great performance.

From the newest to some old school – DOPE followed Boy With Luv. I love the energy and power in Dope. I also loved the cute little moment I got on video between Jimin and Jungkook. Dope blended into BAEPSAE and FIRE … this medley is INSANE. I LOVE watching the guys freestyle their dancing and then effortlessly joining formation and nailing the song’s choreography. It’s stupidly impressive. JHope jumped out and attacked us all with some power dancing and then the dreaded/desired hip thrusting.

I got absolutely zero pictures or video from IDOL because I was so enraptured by them on stage. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. It was pretty neat as Idol faded out, they went back to the top of the stage then went full in to the Idol choreography again. Like a second dance break when it appeared the song was over. Another small break and then Tae (V) comes out in pajamas on a freaking bed. The crowd lost their minds. It was a stunning performance of SINGULARITY, and I’m really hoping I can find video of the small dance break he has in it where he flung off the jacket. Sometimes Tae fades a little into the background but this performance wasn’t one of those times.

After Singularity we got a seamless transition into FAKE LOVE—another song I have zero pics or video from because the whole thing was an experience. Seriously. Damn. From the strong, solid vocals to the hard hitting, precise choreo, to the passionate fan chants…Fake Love was perfection. …And do I really need to mention Jungkook’s abs? Oofta. I was utterly enraptured by this performance. Also, since Fake Love was the comeback I came into the fandom during, it holds a unique place in my heart.

I don’t remember Fake Love ending, but I do remember the next song starting. SEESAW. Shit. Again, I shall remind you that Jimin is by bias—always has been always will be. But I’d be a bold-faced LIAR if I tried to say that Yoongi isn’t the most amazing performer I’ve ever seen. They are all phenomenal. But Yoongi has something extra. Something you don’t expect from him. He often flies a little under the radar, not often the highlight of red-carpet appearances or interviews, fairly soft-spoken. But when he hits the stage—watch out! Min Yoongi was BORN to be on stage. Even with a softer song, and less intense choreography Suga owns it. He commands all attention. He’s claimed in the past that he can’t “sing”, since he’s a rapper, but Seesaw (and First Love—his solo from Wings) prove otherwise. Gorgeous. I was speechless, and a bit teary watching him.

And if I wasn’t already an emotional mess by then, Jin gets the stage to perform EPIPHANY. Oh my heart!! This was a song that when I first heard it, my heart and soul KNEW it was intense and it touched me instantly. And then, when I listened again with subs/lyrics I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown. Epiphany live was like the first time all over again. And to be surrounded by tens of thousands of other fans singing “I’m the one I should love…” Well, cue me crying. A message of needing to love yourself before being able to find love with anyone else…well that’s a message we all need to take to heart. A stellar performance. An emotional experience.

But then! Then you know what they did!? When we’re already emotional hot messes? They go into THE TRUTH UNTOLD. Whhyyyy!? Why would you do that to us!? The Truth Untold is a transcendent song, no way around it. A song about feelings of inadequacy, of being rejected if people knew who we really were, hiding behind masks because we’re so afraid… God, just rip out my heart. And our dear vocal line (Jimin, Jungkook, Jin, and Tae) were so lovely and beautiful and somber. The song has no choreo, no fancy stages… just four guys singing their absolute hearts out.

Cue the rap line (Suga, RM, and JHope) coming to pull us from our emotional state with OUTRO: TEAR. Oh lord, as it started there was a woman the row behind us who asked her friend, “what song is this?” and her friend was so offended! She screamed, “Tear, bitch!” It was slightly hilarious. All three rappers dominate the stage, and having never been to a live rap show before, I gotta say the ability to maintain the flow at the speed they do is impressive. TEAR flowed into MIC DROP and ooooooh how I lost my mind! MIC DROP was the song that really got me to jump into the BTS scene head first. It’s always been a favorite, will always be a favorite. I tried to get video, but I couldn’t stop dancing so it’s pretty bad video. (also, no one wants to hear my horrible voice fan chanting and singing along) The choreography to MIC DROP kills me. The choreo (and the song itself) just screams “we’re badass and we have no apologies” so get on board or get the hell out.

A small pause so that they could set up the guys’ giant Anpanman bounce house! ANPANMAN has always been a fun song and a great live performance, but it hit a new level when you get to watch the guys play on a giant bounce house. It’s easy to forget how young they all are and how much of their youth they kind of missed out on as they chased this dream. I mean, Jungkookie is only 21 now, was 15 when they debuted. Jin, the oldest is only 26 and was 20 at debut. They lost a lot of freedom and playful years as they trained for debut. It’s freaking adorable to watch them play on stage. Even cuter when Yoongi goes from savage rapper in MIC DROP to soft and playful on the inflatable. Jungkook chased Jimin to the top, did a little dance and then they slid down (JK after Jimin though I think he had wanted to go down together)

Anpanman transitions into SO WHAT which is truly a sight to see. No set choreo, just the guys dancing along every last inch of the stage to spread their love to everyone in the stadium. Playful moments, a lot of laughter. It’s BTS being authentically them. And I love it.

We all got a bit emotional during the closing speeches. Jin being classic Jin and screaming AARRRMMMYYYY at us, “today is so cold, you know…thank you for coming out today even though it’s cold and rainy, I’d like to hug you with my warm heart” (and he hugs JK) “I actually really hate being cold, I was so happy though because I was with you, Army. I LOVE YOU ARMY!!” Jimin showing us how floored he was by our presence, soaking in our cheers—eyes wide and smile bright. “I’m so so happy today. But! I hope you guys don’t catch a cold.” He then essentially points a finger at us, daring our immune systems to go against his wishes. (the screams overtake the next part of his speech so I’m not positive as to what he said) Jimin always finishes with “I love you” and lots of hearts. Jungkook and his adorable bunny smile, acted shy when it was his turn. He starts with “…It’s been awhile. I know it’s was rainy and cold, rainy and chilly…but you warmed my heart. I hope you also felt warm energy from us. One more thing, please, don’t catch a cold. Alright? See you all again!” Suga – commanding the stage once again. “Chicago make some noise! I heard it’s actually really cold in Chicago but I didn’t know it was going to be this cold. But because of you Army, you guys melted this place. Chicago make some noise! Today’s going to be such an unforgettable day. Thank you so much for coming out today, see you tomorrow!” JHope: “My lovely Chicago!! Did we have fun today? Since it was raining hard, and cold, I was worried for you all. However, as I was watching all of you, having fun, with your smiles on your face, my worries disappeared and I gained my power back. Army, you guys are my hope, you’re my hope, thank you so much Army Chicago, see you tomorrow.” Tae: “How you feeling Chicago? Make some noise. A few days ago I had a dream about chasing some stars and this scenery was exactly my dream. I really wanted to chase and make sure to grab a star. I want to keep this scenery forever (Tae fooled me and I thought his speech was over so my video stopped)…ssshhhh…we will come again next year!” RM: (gets bundled up by Tae, fans chant KIM NAMJOON) “My parents are gonna love this.” (in response to the chanting) “Guys, welcome to the first BTS winter concert. You might catch a cold, it’s freezing but whatever, it’s special right!? It’s fresh. It’s Chicago. Is the weather a serious problem for us? So right before we get onto the stage, like during the sound check, um while we were coming to the stage it was raining a lot and like these friends and every staff were so worried that it was raining and maybe we might do the little dance not very good, so we were worried, but I told them ‘don’t worry Chicago army is going to stop the rain.’ And you guys did! Seriously you guys gave us a miracle and I love this special weather in Chicago. So when the snow comes in Korea I’ll definitely think of Chicago. …”

And then they came right for my heart and soul performing MAKE IT RIGHT and MIKROKOSMOS. Two of my absolute favorite songs off the new album. Sweet, personal, emotional. And the realization that this euphoric experience was coming to an end and I started to lose my composure during MIKROKOSMOS. “Shine, dream, smile” …always for you boys, always for you.

It was around this time that Jimin stood at the corner of the stage facing my section and started to blow kisses. And I teared up because somehow, in a crowd of thousands of people the way Jimin sends his love into the crowd every last one of us feels like the ONLY one of us at that moment in time. You just FEEL the pure love emanating from him...and it’s a feeling unlike any other. A feeling I’ll never forget.

I still don’t think, almost 4000 words later, that I’ve even scrapped the surface of how incredible that night was for me. How touched I was not just by the band, but by being surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people of all ages, races, nationalities, sexual orientations, classes, genders who love them just as much as I do. BTS is so much more than seven beautiful men who dance well. BTS is connection and love. BTS is inspiration and encouragement. BTS isn’t a phase, they’re making an impact far beyond what anyone imagined. Music with a message? It’s been far too long since we’ve had that. BTS is like a long drink of fresh water after being stranded in a desert.

BTS – Seven lights in an otherwise dreary and sad world, reminding us to find our own lights and share it with the world.

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ecotone99 · 4 years

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[SP] The Great Easter Egg Crisis of 2020

The old woman sat at a high-rise bar, looking out over the sprawling city below. A fat cigar hung from her lips. She took a deep drag, the smart smoke working into her lungs, repairing damage from a lifetime of breathing polluted air.

Her unwanted companion stood silently. Just another rich kid. But one waiting expectantly for an answer.

“That was a long time ago, and I’ve done my time. How’d you track me down anyway?”

The kid skirted the question. “It’s a school project. I’m trying to put together a story. Something gritty yet intimate.”

She inhaled again. “It’s all in the archives somewhere. Go digging.”

The kid slowly shook his head. “Without the personal details, it’s just old history.”

She looked the kid over. Why not. If she could get something out of it, anyway.

“Buy me a drink. Top shelf.”

The kid nodded reluctantly.

May as well go all out. She gestured over a robot bartender and ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. The robot dispensed it on the spot, ice cold in a tall glass.

She savoured a mouthful. It was excellent. She could feel the virotherapy agents working almost immediately, massaging at decades of DNA damage. It wouldn’t last, but sure as hell felt good.

The kid looked at her expectantly.

She sighed. “You know about the outbreak in 2020? Covid-19. For some it was the end. For others, a new beginning. I saw it as a chance to make money. A lot of money.”

She took another drag on the cigar, and washed it down with more of the drink. “SARS. Swine Flu. Ebola. We’d heard it all before, and the threat of a pandemic seemed almost routine. Life was calm at first, but slowly the hysteria crept in. People hoarding food. Stockpiling toilet paper. Ridiculous stuff. Each little crisis fueled by social media. It’s different these days, but back then people didn’t understand the risks of living your life online. Mob mentality took over. It quickly became chaos.”

She paused, trying to remember the exact wording. “A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals.”

The kid looked at her, impassive. Too young to understand by about a century.

“It’s a quote. Look it up.” The kids eyes went a little dimmer as he accessed the ‘net in his head. She interrupted and the kid snapped back to reality. “Do it later.”

She continued on. “So we got an idea. I suppose I should say I got an idea, but it took a team of us to pull off. Most were in it for the money. Some just wanted to cause trouble. That was a thing, back then. Coronavirus was our tinder, and fear of missing out was our spark. Little ripples of panic were already in effect. Shortages would come and go, stock prices jumped up and down. But how could we make it work in our favour?”

She stared, waiting until the kid answered. “Easter Eggs. I know that bit.”

She growled back. “You really don’t. There’s nothing like it anymore. It was a cluster fuck of corporations bastardising ancient beliefs for profit. Pointless conspicuous consumption in chocolate form.”

The kid retreated into his head, looking for meaning in the unfamiliar words. “Consumer whores, right?”

The old woman laughed, and coughed, and laughed again. “Exactly.”

She took another swig of the drink, calming her throat. “The only thing more powerful than consumerism was fear. And the world was primed for it. Outbreaks in almost every city. Shortages, both real and imagined. And just a few weeks out from a holiday celebrated by half the world. You’ve never eaten an easter egg, I presume?”

The kid shrugged. “I tried to recreate one with the food printers. I don’t get the appeal.”

She nodded along. “Either do I kid. Always hated Easter. Maybe that’s why I didn’t feel bad about what we did. Those damn eggs. Churned out by the millions in China. Each one trapping a little breath of air inside. We weren't sure the plan would work, but in the end it was easy. A faked video of a sick worker coughing over an easter egg production line. And a single tweet.”

She shook her head, breathing out through her nose. “We thought we’d need to push to get it viral. But no. Society was ready to bubble over. The media ran with it - a precious holiday was under attack. People were angry at Asia, angry at the government, angry at corporations, angry at each other. And we were ready. We seeded counter campaigns supporting businesses of our choosing. ‘Buy safe, buy local’. Anything forgein was boycotted. People tried to stock up on Easter eggs, beating the rush. Production was increased, but prices quickly climbed out of control. The savvy ones looked ahead, wondering about chocolate futures and next year's eggs. They invested, and stock prices grew. As the rest of the market tanked, our stocks were a shining beacon of hope. The fear of missing out kicked in even harder and the prices doubled. Then tripled. Along the way, the supposedly contaminated eggs all tested clean, and the video was declared a fake. But it was too late.”

She smiled at a plan gone even better than expected. “By Easter, the chosen companies were trading at one hundred times our buy in. We’d leveraged every dollar we had on the shares and were filthy rich. We cashed out, ready to disappear before it all came crashing down. We’d defrauded the world, and thought we’d gotten away with it.”

The old woman clenched her jaw, wrinkles deepening. “What happened next was pure bad luck. We couldn’t have known and it sure as hell wasn’t our fault. The chocolate in the ‘safe’ eggs was contaminated. The incubation was slow, but the mortality rate high. They didn’t even know what it was at first. Panic fueled speculation spun a thousand stories. Toxins from manufacturers cutting corners to meet demand. A Coronavirus mutation. Some sinister and ghastly biological weapon. People even looked to the skies, thinking of extraterrestrial horrors.”

She took a deep breath before continuing. “It was the global pandemic everyone had been afraid of, and had a terrifying fatality rate. Containment was impossible, hospitals were overwhelmed, and nothing slowed the spread. The death toll rose staggeringly fast. One hundred thousand. Five hundred thousand. By July there was over a billion dead, with no end in sight. No treatment, no vaccine, no cure. The old and the sick succumbed more easily, but it took young and healthy too. By the time the outbreak worked its way around the globe, two and a half billion people had died.”

She blinked, pushing back tears as she relived the memories. “I know you’ve seen the pictures. Watched the videos. But you can’t understand what it was like. Two and half billion people dead. Everyone lost someone close to them. Everyone.”

She stopped to take a deep breath “Have you experienced death? In your happy, sheltered life, has anyone died?”

The kid looked uncomfortable. “No. I had an aunt who tried to stop her treatments once, but the family wouldn't allow that.”

She looked at the kid with dull envy. “There had never been a tragedy like this. So much fear, so much anger. The world was drawn together, and grieved and raged and howled for blood with one voice. Our little Easter Egg fraud was uncovered, and we were hunted down. We burnt through our fortunes trying to run, trying to hide. But the world was single minded and we had to pay."

She wiped at her cheek. “I don’t know how I was kept alive until the trial. None of my co-conspirators made it. Death was too good for me, it seems. I was at the center of it all. Five billion survivors, cursing my name, demanding I suffer. They called me Patient Zero. That’s almost funny now.”

She looked the kid in the eyes. “I was terrified I would be tortured. Kept alive to feel the world's pain. I prayed for death. In some way what happened next was a miracle. It’s kind of fitting, don’t you think? A God’s honest Easter resurrection.”

She took a long slow drag of her cigar, blowing the spent smoke towards the kid. “Some people called them Angels. Friends and family, returned to the living. Others saw them as demons. That fitted better. The walking undead, climbing out of the ground. We’d spent half our lives obsessing over zombies and here they were. The reality was brutal, and another billion people died before they were stopped. Entire countries fell apart. The world staggered, and it felt like nothing could ever be the same again.”

She looked down at her drink, not sure where to next. “But humans are resilient, and we recovered. It almost seems trivial now. Nearly half the world wiped out, but that only took the population back fifty years. Life continued on, damaged but not broken. What little authority remained kept me in prison, but that was as much for my protection as it was a punishment."

She took one last swig. “I know some people see it as a blessing. Heaven on Earth, they say. I know I wouldn’t be alive today without the medical advances cajoled out of corpses that refuse to stay dead. Eternal youth.” She scowled. “At least for those who can afford it.”

She put down her empty glass, looking into it. “That’s all the memories you get for one drink. What’s this gritty yet intimate story of yours going to be called, anyway?”

The kid was already retreating inside his own head, but focused back momentarily.

“The Great Easter Egg Crisis of 2020”

“Jesus, that’s horrifying.” She turned back to the window, not really seeing the world outside.

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katelynxnac0ns-blog · 5 years

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Hi, guys...I’m going to let a few more people join before like, I start talking about like...what I need to.

Kolton’s doing amazing. He’s the sweetest thing, and I’m honestly so in love. He’s the cutest, palest little person. -She laughs- I think I already have like, 60 pictures of him on my phone.

As far as I’m going...I’m good. I’m just tired...and I feel kind of fat and gross...but I felt that way before I had him, you know, like towards the end of my pregnancy...so.

Is Timothy back from Mexico yet? I’m actually going to get to that in a second...because I’m going to talk about everything...but I know he was going to watch, so if he’s here already...hi, I love you and miss you, and can’t wait for you to be home.

Okay, so a few more people are in here so I’ll start. Let me kind of start from the beginning. So, if I’m not mistaken...I’d have to go back through hundreds of texts to see whether or not this was completely correct...so don’t hold me to it, but I’m 90% sure that when Timothy told me that Tana was pregnant with his baby, we weren’t together. We were just friends. Did I initially have a problem with this? No. Honestly, I just kind of found it funny...mainly because I didn’t know that they knew each other, but also...I remembered how she gave out condoms at TanaCon, and I’m sorry, but I have a really warped sense of humor so that level of irony just hit me in the best way. -She laughs- Sorry for laughing at you again, Tim...but yeah, the only other thing I kind of said as far as that went was if he was nervous about having a kid with her given how she tends to act...or better yet just portrays herself as acting on the internet. He just hoped for the best, and I wished the best for them.

However, when Tana was laughing about missing a business appointment once, I kind of just starting thinking...and my thoughts went back to how she was so many hours late for Jeffree Star’s collab with her, as well as for James Charles...and now this, and it just concerned me. It really did...because she was carrying my boyfriend’s baby, and she was going to eventually going to be caring for their daughter. I know that it was none of my business to judge her. I understand that...but I really wasn’t trying to judge. It just struck me, and I felt like it was one of those things where someone...anyone...needed to say something. There were fans in her comments...er...replies, saying basically the same things I was...but you know, I’m not saying we don’t listen to you guys. We do, trust me, or I wouldn’t be on here right now...but when you get comments like “YOU’RE A MOM NOW, GET IT TOGETHER” or “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH CHANDLER. WHORE.” like, we see it, but most of the time we don’t let it get to us. So, I was like, okay I’m going to try and be somewhat of the ‘mom friend’ you know, and just...go for it. I never meant for it to blow up into some kind of a personal attack of any kind, because that’s not what I meant it as...so hopefully, like, some of ‘yall saw that...but I know some didn’t see it that way, and I’m really sorry. I’m also really sorry to Tana if she felt some kind of way about it, because I didn’t mean it that way. I was trying to help, not step on her toes.

I don’t actually hate Tana, contrary to popular belief. I’ve never actually met her. I just know her from her videos and through what other people say about her. However, she does state that she’s 100% real on YouTube and what you see is what you get...so that was kind of, alarming...but I guess I should’ve taken that at face value and I should’ve just been like...Yeah, she’s probably not actually being completely authentic and a lot of it might actually be for show. She might be a lot calmer. Who knows? Anyway, like I said, I don’t hate her. When the TanaCon thing happened, I actually like...made comments in conversation with other people that I was so mad for her, especially over how Michael treated her and built her up to watch her fall. I have a really, really, really huge issue with that...you know, like, setting people up and then ripping them down. I watched in a state of complete shock and horror as it happened to my son’s father before my own eyes after he deferred college and basically put his life on hold for our show. So, yeah, it doesn’t settle well with me.

However, I love Timothy. He’s the love of my life. I want to marry him and honeymoon at some place with a beautiful beach, and go to Twenty One Pilots concerts with him, and throw banana peels at him during Mario Kart for the rest of my life. Amelia comes with him, and I haven’t met that sweet girl yet, but I already have so much love for her. Like, I could’ve been selfish when Timothy asked me if I wanted him to come home so that he could be here when Kolton was born. I could’ve been like ‘Yeah, I don’t want to do this without you and I don’t want to be in that much pain without you being here’...but I didn’t. I didn’t do that, because in this instance, Amelia needed him more than I do. She will always need him more than I do, because he’s her dad. I want her to grow up strong, confident, smart, and safe...and I know that she’ll be supported and provided for without a doubt. Will it probably be an instance where like...Tana’s the cool, fun mom and Timothy’s the more strict parent? -laughs- Yeah, honestly, but like...that’s fine. That’s the way it was for me growing up. My mama was the one I had fun with. We went to concerts and got our nails done and hung out...and my dad would gut my room when it was too messy. That’s just how some houses operate, and that’s okay. That’s okay as long as everyone is trying to keep her safe and healthy, and as much as Tana has messed up in the past...like, she’s aware of it and doesn’t need people constantly reminding her, and she’s getting her shit together. That’s all anyone can ask of her.

No, I’m not backtracking. I’m not retracting what I said. Like I said, I’m not apologizing. I said that it needed to be said, and it did. However, what I am saying...is lay off of both of us. We don’t need fueling of some feud that shouldn’t even exist. I do want to try and get along with her and maybe be friends with her. Her tweets last night honestly scared the shit out of me, and I sat here bawling my eyes out over the thought of her not allowing Timothy to see Amelia because of me...like...in that instance, I’d have to go. I’m not keeping that girl from her dad, and I’m sorry. I know it’d hurt me and it’d hurt Timothy, but I just couldn’t let that happen...like I said...and I don’t want it to even be a possibility. She has nothing to worry about as far as me like, talking shit about her when Amelia’s around...just as I feel like she honestly wouldn’t do the same if I sent Kolton to LA with Tim to go hang with Amelia. It’s fine. Al I want is this to be resolved so that we can be civil, hell, maybe even friends someday. I want our kids to get along and to be friends since they’re basically siblings and I don’t want to be someone’s evil step-mom. That’s just it. So, I’m sorry about any sort of confusion Tana might have had about what I said...I really just was concerned...and I didn’t mean it to be a personal attack. Also, I’m just over the fueling the fire mess that’s been going down over all of this. Just chill. We don’t need Shane to settle it...even though like, would I absolutely love to be in a Shane Dawson video? Uh, yeah, sign me up. I’ll wear my Gucci belt. -laughs- But, yeah, other than that...just let it die and let us work on ourselves, our relationships, and being new moms.

I really don’t know what else there is to say. I’m sorry that I rambled for like...ever, but I really hope this clears some things out and makes my intentions clear. I’m tired and need to go to sleep. Kolton and I go home tomorrow, so that’s really exciting but like...really scary. -laughs- So, I love you guys and I’ll see you around...bye!

#instagram

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todaysbiggesthits · 5 years

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The Exam

Best Music Moment of 2018:

Nasty: Hearing Red Eyes live. I've already said it on TBH, but seeing your favorite band in their relative prime is such a cool thing.

BC: Since partying all night with my favorite band fell within the short window between Bestuv '17 ending and Bestuv '18 beginning, I'd have to say:

1. Kacey Musgrave's performance of "Slow Burn" on SNL

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2. Radiohead perfectly executing "There There" which transported me back to Lollapalooza in '08 3. Despite the annoyance of sitting in lots of Indy500 traffic due to a new parking situation, I quite enjoyed working through half of the Stones' catalogue with Bronco riding shotgun and Codemin listening in from the flatbed of Dillon's pickup

Codem: Spending what was New Year's Eve for the central timezone in the USA at a Fijian medical bath facility listening to music, playing cards, downing tequeel and getting ringworm with my blushing bride. -hearing peter hook play the bass line from shadowplay live and in person. -Arden, JD and JJ encouraging me to go talk to Kyle from Swearin'. -Silver Jews and Westing (By Musket and Sextant) came to Spotify. -Watching "Random Rules" video for the first time

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Larse: Sitting behind this massive (I mean orca fat) guy at the CHVRCHES show, feeling really bad for him before the show started because he was all alone and kept looking around and worrying about letting people in his row and things. As soon as CHVRCHES came on though, this guy was exactly where he was supposed to be that night. Sang the words and danced to every song and just made my day with how happy he was to be there. Jotted down every song of the setlist into his smartphone and just had an all around great time. And some of you motherfuckers won't even go to a movie by yourself!

JD: May: A moody Chinatown stroll with the new Grouper album in the rain. July: Soaking up some good tunes at the housewarming party to ring in our new pad. July: Some hilariously rambunctious youths having at it when “House of Jealous Lovers” came on during a full play of Compilation 1 at the DFA summer party. One of them (who must have been ~8 in the bygone days of 02) screamed out “this is the song that started it all!” to a crowd of stationary gawkers and I felt a brief moment of hope for the youngs. August: Shaking a leg at Pete’s wedding (also featuring a delightful hojl spin). September: A rowdy spin of “Sentient Oona” on the Levee juke with an impromptu digital jukebox dance party at the Turkey’s Nest with jj’s cousin and his lovely girlfriend. October: The best music cue I’ve ever seen at the end of Beau Travail.

Bronco: Taking John to his first concert, and that first concert was Mastodon. That was pretty awesome to be able to share that experience with him. He was super into it, and so were the metalheads at the show. "Dad of the Year" was definitely shouted more than a few times, and I thought to myself, "fuckin-A right."

Chap: My kids saying "Papa" when "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals comes on.

Best Shows Seen in 2018:

C: Open Mike Eagle at Pitchfork

Bronco: Sleep

Laser: CHVRCHES at Riverside Theater; Chromeo at Summerfest

BC: The Brian Jonestown Massacre, Radiohead

Nasty: The War on Drugs.

Code: kraus - schubas peter hook - metro no age - the bottle swearin' - bowery eleanor friedberger - lincoln hall my bloody valentine - aragon "quickly climbing the ranks of my nice" ballroom kraus - the bottle pictureplane - bottom lounge soft moon - the bottle book of love - chop shop

JD: 1. Shame at Market Hotel 2. Hamilton Leithauser at the Carlyle Hotel 3. Beach House at United Palace Theater 4. The Voidz at Elsewhere 5. Parquet Courts’ Wide Awake! mid-day album release show with my morning coffee at Rough Trade

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6. Flasher at St. Vitus 7. Deafheaven at Brooklyn Steel 8. Panda Bear at Brooklyn Steel 9. No Age at Brooklyn Bazaar 10. CCFX at the DFA summer party at Elsewhere with my girlfriend in full blown rem sleep standing up with her head on my shoulder 11. Alex Cameron at Warsaw 12. Gang Gang Dance and Interpol at House of Vans Of note: Dekkar at On Cinema Live at the Bell House.

Confession of 2018:

JD: I have a real TBH confession that I held until now. I was thoroughly enjoying the Flasher album on a recent evening after a few too many drinks when a burning urge to see them washed over me. They had a show coming up at a bar just a few blocks from my apartment, so I enthusiastically snapped up tickets for me and jj. Thinking this might be a good opportunity for a TBH outing, I emailed Chap trying to peer pressure him into attending the Flasher show and gauging his interest in a Parquet Courts concert that would be happening the following evening. No response.

We later received an invitation to a holiday cocktail party at a friend’s apartment on the same night as the Flasher show, and I hatched a cockamamie scheme to go from our home in Greenpoint to the party in Soho, leave after an hour to catch the concert back in Greenpoint, head back to the party in Soho, and finally retire back to Greenpoint. JJ wisely passed on such a scheme and I left the party to trek off to the concert solo with an extra ticket in tow.

Awash in good cheer and excitement while Flasher set up, I thought what the hell, might as well take a flier on reminding Chap of the show. Maybe the twins are asleep, he’s just sitting around, can jump into a cab, claim the extra ticket, watch the show, and cruise on back. Mid-text I paused, wondering just why he never responded to the initial email weeks ago. A quick gmail search, and there sat my drunkenly composed beseechment to join, rotting in the drafts folder unsent.

A couple of the dudes from Parquet Courts were bouncing around the bar, and I decided it would make more sense to hit up Chap about attending their show the next day than explain the whole snafu and extend a ludicrous invitation that required dropping everything and leaving immediately for a show he didn’t even know was happening. I ate the extra ticket, had a blast watching Flasher, zipped back to the party, drank myself into oblivion, and was way too hung over to even consider the Parquet Courts show the next day. NICK SORRY NICK! (editor’s note: too long)

Larson: I saw Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

BC: My neighbor invited me to see Imagine Dragons. I lied and said I had to travel for work. "On a Saturdee?" he inquired. "Yeah. Totally sucks," I awkwardly replied. I hid inside my house all weekend.

Bronco: I'd rather see shows by myself than with my buddy. He likes going to shows, and I keep inviting him, and we have a fine time, but he doesn't live in town anymore, so I gotta worry about him drinking too much and driving an hour home. And his wife is a psychopath and that complicates shit. Too much. And it's just so much more freeing being able to not give a fuck about anyone else during that time, to just soak it all in, it feels good and right.

Codem: -despite all of the bad things that kanye said, i still liked listening to his catalogue throughout the year. i even liked his EP that came out in 2018. -i really liked the beach house album! -i liked the snail mail album, skipped two opportunities to see her and then by --the end of the year, i thought the album was sort of boring. -Arden and i went to see pictureplane open for alice glass and thought that the show sucked and pictureplane played such stupid songs. three months later, he put out my favorite album of the year and i can't stop thinking that i hated all of the same songs the first time i heard them. -i read an article on a bright fall saturday morning that exhaustively detailed the Cardi B and Nicki Minaj feud and i watched all of the instagram story clips that showed Cardi B scrolling through her phone with those outlandish nails of hers. it took me two cups of coffee to get through it all, but get through it i did. [i couldn't think of nicki minaj's name just now so i stared at the ceiling and kept running through names in my mind's eye: missy, kim, cardi, kelis, kim??, eve, trina. i couldn't remember. so i finally googled "kanye monster" and found her name. easy.]

Nasty: I'm done with new music. It’s over. I didn't listen to a single new album - I don't even know if I could name a new album. Realistically, I did like Daytona.

Biggest Disappointment of 2018:

Nasty: MAGA Kanye

Larse: Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

Bronco: Black Tusk, Alice in Chains

BC: Getting into The Orwells literally two days before #MeToo chewed 'em up and spit 'em out

Chap: Car Seat Headrest. Can't believe he's gay! jk the album was the disappointment.

Code: -somebody hacked my spotify account and wiped all of my music and replaced it with raggaeton and halsey. i was able to get my music back, but i lost all of my meticulously cared for folder structure. -i wanted the simple minds album to be cool; it was not. -i wanted the swearin' album to be really great; it was okay. -pictureplane and ovlov did not tour their albums. -i had to eat two tickets to my bloody valentine after buying four. the original show sold out and i thought i was going to be able to sell my extras for a profit -- they ended up announcing a second show and there was no secondary market for the original show. -no CCFX followup ):

JD: Got to Hammerstein Ballroom for MBV and there was a line longer than an entire avenue. They were already on by the time we made it into the heinously oversold venue and we were stuck by the bar in the lobby surrounded by people constantly shouting in an effort to compete with the apocalyptic noise.

C: Terrible sound at Tame Impala show

Most Overrated of 2018:

Code: -probably that kacey musgraves album; i got absolutely nothing out of it. also, i liked the robyn album, but i wanted to love it after many years between releases. i think i'm just being greedy. -i'm going to get killed for this, but the throwing the baby out with the bathwater approach to artists' criminal behavior or inflammatory tweets is pretty overrated right now.

Bronco: Ghost - I like their schtick, with rotating members and the whole inverted church thing. It's campy but they're sticking to it, and that's fine, but their music isn't metal. It's poppy glam shit about the devil, and that's also fine, but I don't get why it's on anyone's list. Production value maybe? But the music itself isn't anything to write home about. I just don't get it.

JD: n/a. The thick layer of nonsensical, Pynchonian obfuscation the platform economy dollops over everything has made it impossible to understand how anything is rated. Almost feel bad for the click driven publications that have to just throw out a guess.

C: Mitski

Chap: Snail Mail

BC: Kanye. His new music is no longer good enough to put up with his bufoonery.

Laser: Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

Nasty: Clemson. GOARSH.

Make It Stop 2018:

Nasty: DJT, anytime now.

Bronco: Party politics. No more labels allowed. You can have a list of stuff you support and a list of stuff you are against, but that's fucking it. No more this side vs that side for reasons as caddy as an R vs. a D. Also religion having any influence whatsoever in the way our country is run. Believe whatever you want to believe, but don't force your bullshit on anyone else. You want to torment yourself with a lifelong christian guilt trip, that's your boat to float, but don't go poking holes in my boat just because you're a miserable fuck. Just stop. Also, Jack White.

Larse: Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

Chap: Baby Shark

BC: My shrinking attention span

JD: The cultural currency of clapbacks, shade, and tea.

Code: trap music playing from a phone's external speaker while i'm trapped on public transportation. i'm going to go broke buying enough earbuds to distribute to these offenders.

Biggest TBH Regret of 2018:

Larse: Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

C: Not seeing Low at a church on University of Chicago's Campus

JD: -Hearing about a Grouper show at a church around the corner from my pad after it sold out. -Not necessarily a regret because I didn’t know it was happening, but oh how I wish I had seen Jon Glaser and Jon Benjamin as Dave Farina and Dave Franz, Dennis and Dennis’ sons, at a Bowery Ballroom Yo La Tengo show.

BC: -I wish I would've cooked up a way to see Shame play a midnight show in Bloomington. I just want that kid to scream "Concrete" in my face. -I probably should've seen Smashing Pumpkins when they rolled through town too.

Code: my flight got delayed and i missed the swearin' show at that place in brooklyn that "smelled like hot fish"

Bronco: Not a regret so much as I was super-bummed when High on Fire dropped out of the tour I saw in November. The venue we were at put my buddy and I right next to the stage. It would've been crazy awesome to see HOF there, but they've rescheduled at least, and I'll see them in January.

Bin: I haven't listened to any Kanye this year. I thought it would feel gratifying by year end - it doesn't. I'll probably still avoid this most recent album, but I'm going back to the well. I'll continue to talk shit about him though. Take that Ye!

Chap: No regrets

Detective Murtaugh of 2018:

Larse: Getting too old to keep up with all of this new music and put a worthwhile list together at the end of the year…

Nasty:

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Code: i added book of love show to my top ten concert list because Arden and i were able to take a seat on the ground in the balcony section. we had to continually move our spot on the floor to be able to peer through the railing and a mass of bodies in order to catch a glimpse of the stage.

JD: -Two of my favorite music related experiences of the year were seeing Hamilton Leithauser in the cafe of the Carlyle Hotel and the extended Niles family in The Nutcracker at the NYC Ballet. -When I googled “Detective Murtaugh” just now it was mostly pictures of Damon Wayans (Jr. no less!) playing the role on the Lethal Weapon CBS series.

Bronco: Putting up with shit instead of speaking up about it. There's room on the train but I'm squished by the door because some self-absorbed dinks won't move in? "Could you please move in?" It sounds so simple, but breaking that silence barrier was a scary thing. Now I don't give a shit. I'm on train for two stops, and I'm not going to see you again, so fuck you, move in or I'm going to move myself in and it aint gonna be pleasant for you.

Chap: A hipster female barber said I was a silver fox. AYFKM?

BC: What the hell is Fortnite?

Resolution for 2018 Update:

Larse: get my list in on time! How it went: probably horseshit! (editor’s note: it was early yet!)

NACK: While I didn’t have the occasion to catch shows this year, I anticipate doing so in '18 due to some changes afoot. How it went: Joe Dons has yet to let me know of a concert going on and I have no other friends here, so I blame him for my failure

Bin: I’m just going to keep saying “get to NY for a show with JD” until I make it happen. How it went: Didn't get to NY for a show with JD.

JD: See you gents more often with or without a show attached. How it went: Fairly decent, but is it really ever enough?

Bronco: Get in shape. I want to stick to a schedule of running all year round. I ran a 10K back in June, then needed to recover for a bit, been recovering ever since…Fat Dad needs to keep running all year round without excuse, especially given that we go skiing between Xmas and New Year’s and I’m gonna be a floppy legged mess. During those runs, I’ll try to listen to new material each time. How it went: I ran a 5-miler in May. Haven't run since. Though I have been reasonably consistent with my prison workout (situps and pushups before bed time), so now there's a hint of muscle under my fat dad layer. Just gotta combine the two now somehow.

Code: make more playlists for my wife How it went: i said that i was going to make more mixes for my wife. i made one year-end mix for her and i'm sure she's loving it :*

BC: No more resolutions How it went: 2018 Resolution was "No More Resolutions," so pretty darn good!

Resolution for 2019:

Laser: ---

BC: Listen to one new album a week; reboot the Classic Album Review Club

JD: Greater consciousness of how I’m using my attention - an ineffectual and meaningless protest of the ways the world is burning down in pursuit of it.

Bronco: Read more 'classic' books. I didn't read many of them, even in school (especially in school? Never could read a book I was told to read). But I'm leaning in the sci-fi direction of 'classics'. I just read Dune this summer, and wrapped up Fahrenheit 451 the other day. I'm feeling an unexplained need to beef up my nerd credentials and this seems the way to accomplish it.

Chap: Learn Piano; Guilt Joe Dons into finally inviting me to a concert

Nasty: I'm sticking with it - get to NY for a show with JD.

Code: catch ovlov, pictureplane, washer, chromatics, EMA and colleen green live this year.

Most Anticipated of 2019:

Bronco: Tool. Fifth year's the charm. I'm actually hopeful this time around. In fact, I half expect them to drop it on New Year's Eve or something, just so it's post Listicle season, but not quite 2019 so it can't end up on those lists either. They're such dicks like that.

BC: Still waitin' on dat Vampire Weekend yet

Chap: Vampire Weekend, Chromatics

C: Lin Manuel in Mary Poppins... I kid, My Bloody Valentine

JD: Going to put Frank Ocean out into the universe, MBV take 2, Grimes, Panda Bear, Kanye’s escape from the Black Lodge

Codem: chromatics - tommy, MBV, washer, colleen green, EMA(?), DoM

Laser: no idea what's even on the docket

Nasty: Mueller's Report

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literaryfaeriecorner · 3 years

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02/21/2021: Promotions, Old Friends, and Yellow School Buses

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February 21st, 2021

somehow i received a promotion at work last Friday even though i am literally probably one of the LEAST motivated people teaching at that school... fuck. so... now, instead of just being a regular-schmegular teacher, i am now the '6th grade head social studies teacher' which means that i have to run planning meetings for the social studies team, attend morning meetings discussing whole-grade growth and failings, and solutions for how we're going to get the kids to... not suck. uuuuuuggggghhhhhh!!! and this is for the rest of the year and the next!!!!

apparently, i am the 'perfect person' for this position because all of my classes have consistently performed better than the rest... but between you, me, and the entire internet, that speaks more to the abilities of my students than my own personal abilities as a teacher. i don't believe i'm a sucky teacher or anything but the fact remains that between work, grad school, delusional lovesick-related episodes, mental illness, and other varying distractions, i am not Doing The Best I Can. in fact, i'm literally in survival mode 95% of the time. the other 5% of the time, i'm in manic-as-fuck mode. so... do i really DESERVE this promotion? who even fucking knows? i like to believe, however, that i'll eventually figure out how to bullshit this new responsibility as well and no one will be the wiser. i mean, if this promotion came with a financial boost as well, i'd be more inclined to not fuck it up but, like... i'm doing more work for the same weak ass pay... i'm not as motivated with kind words and encouragement than i would be with a solid boost to my pay grade. anyway... whatever.

i was on tumblr the other day (i am fasting from all social media sites during the day for Lent but tumblr doesn't count because i literally just reblog five or six posts into the void, look at sad literature quotes, and log out just to do it all over again the next day... i am not addicted to tumblr as i am to twitter, instagram, pinterest, and linkedin... yes, linkedin. my quest to escape my job has led me down a very weird and addictive path) and i came across this post by user beetlejuices:

"isn't it all about old friends? like everything? all of it?"

and it is. i think so. i really do.

one of the things i've been conscious of in my early adulthood is that i am still chasing after the friendships i had in middle school. i wrote about this two Lents ago too. there is a memory that i remember so vividly in middle school and it reminds me constantly about how i felt so loved and appreciated and like the world couldn't go on without me if i somehow left or disappeared or went away. i think about it all the time. that is how freeing and loving and whole it is. just a simple memory of being three hours late to school (after a huge, blown out argument between parents who should've divorced years ago) and being startled by a flood of texts that starting pouring in at 7 that morning.

ashley: YOOOO where r u? they snagged all the donuts from the corner store!

alysha: you missed the bus this morning?

ashley: i bought donuts off eman 4 u... say im the best :D

kiera: U MISSED CRYSTAL'S FAT HEAD ASS SLIP DOWN THE STEPS LMAOOO

kiera: u're always here early u good?

alysha: are you coming 2 school today?

ashley: are u ok?

Christyl: don't forget we have a test in math!! where are you?

kiera: babe?

ashley: are you ok? why is ur phone off?

alysha: i just talked to ashley are u ok?

Christyl: where r u?

kiera: i just talked to ashley r u ok?

kiera: none of ur sisters r here either... u ok?

ashley: i'll call again @ lunch

alysha: pls be safe

Christyl: i'll tell the teacher you're sick and maybe you can take it tomorrow

Christyl: are you ok?

and even more messages that were sent during and inbetween classes... i thought it was a bit too late (and too time consuming) to respond to them all individually so after being signed into school three hours late, i decided to wait for all my friends at our table in the cafeteria to surprise them before explaining my mess of a morning. i was nervous because i thought they would be mad at me for some reason. but as soon as they saw me, ashley, alysha, kiera, and christyl, they came barreling towards me screaming my name. it was an entire scene. people looking at them crazy and then raising their eyebrows at me, not seeing what the big deal was. i probably looked the same exact way that i did the day before. unspectacular, bookish, awkward. they couldn't see what the big deal was. it embarrassed me but it thrilled me at the same time.

they nearly knocked me to the floor pushing each other to get to me first trying to steal the first hug. in the end, i stretched my arms out as far as i could and they all fell into them. we probably looked a mess. a tangle of brown legs, arms, frizzy hair, loose braids, and scuffed dress shoes. i remember feeling so loved and wanted. i felt bigger and grander than i was. i had stopped the world for five entire minutes and i didn't do anything. i was just existing.

i don't really talk to any of the girls anymore. i follow them on social media and i wish them happy birthday every year and we're all on each other's close friends list on insta... so i still know a few, if not all, of their secrets... but we'll probably never be as close as we were in middle school. and that's ok. i still love them as much as i did when they tackled me in the lunch room that day. i still root and cheer for them like we still spend every night after school on the phone for hours talking shit and planning presidential campaigns and gossiping about boys. i will never forget that day in the lunchroom. ever. and, like i said, it has only occurred to me now, as a young adult, that i've been chasing that kind of friendship and sisterhood since it happened.

i like to treat all my friendships as mini-romances. i remember a tweet that said, "friendships ARE romance," and i agree. i think i'm in love with all of my close friends, if not all of my friends. it's embarrassing (just a bit) but i have probably fallen in love with all of my friends at least once or twice. this is especially true for my group of college friends (at this point, they are really family). i have been in love, at least once, with all eight of them throughout our four years. i don't actually find this embarrassing like i said earlier. what's embarrassing is that this information might embarrass other people which, in turn, would thoroughly embarrass me. but the fact itself doesn't embarrass me. that is how i am. i fall in love and out of love at breakneck speeds. i think it's important to be a little bit in love with your friends.

i really enjoyed being in undergrad and planning literal dates between all eight or nine of us. and we would call it that. "what are we doing for our date next weekend?" "so who's going on the date tomorrow?" "are we cancelling the date or does the weather not matter?" (the weather always mattered.) my favorite college date was valentine's day senior year. we all went to korean-style karaoke and ordered so much food and drink we could barely stand to sing. we were all sat around the tv singing horribly to mariah carey or beyonce or rapping to nicki minaj verses. we took so many bad pictures and tone deaf videos and we kept leaning or hugging or holding each other's hands. that's another thing i love about my college family. most of us are touchy-feely people. i am a touchy-feely person. i'm southern and my mom is ridiculously gooey so one of my love languages, inevitably, is touch. i, usually, reign it in A LOT unless i have a partner but in college, i somehow discovered a whole group of people who loved to kiss each other on the cheek and hold hands and lean on other people, and lock arms. i felt at home. really.

maybe it's not only about old friends, though. maybe it's about feeling at home.

there was another post on tumblr and i think about it a lot. it's a screenshot of a tweet from twitter user @HumbleCore.

"HUGE NEWS: finally found my best friend from middle school on FB. We've both been looking for each other for over a decade. I told her I think about her whenever I play any boardgame or drive by a church. She told me she uses my name as her password at work. A perfect reunion."

when i read that the other night, i cried. i don't know why. it was heavy and ridiculous and i was worried my roommates would hear me. i don't know why i cried. at all. and even typing it out like that made me want to cry again. the feeling is not as strong or as overwhelming as it was the first time but it's still there.

i think about a best friend i had in first grade. even before i thought of ashley as my best friend (i have known Middle School Ashley since the first grade. i thought we were destined to be best friends forever and ever and ever, which is what i wrote in her middle school yearbook). his name was Malik. or Malique. my memory fails me. but anyway, i loved him like crazy. we didn't do anything without the other. we shared lunch together, we HAD to be partners on every field trip, i cried when Ms. Sanchez moved my seat from his in an effort to stop us from disrupting her lessons and i hated her for an entire week. (a very long time from a first-grade perspective.) even now, i think about him whenever i go to petting zoos or farms and when i ride on yellow school buses with my students.

Malik/Malique was my first kiss. we were hiding from Ms. Sanchez and the other chaperones so we could pet the goats one last time. while we were hiding behind a barn, he kissed me. "for good luck," he said. and then we sprinted across the farm to get back to the goats. and we pet them again before Ms. Sanchez found us and ordered us back on the big yellow school bus where we held hands for the entire hour-long ride back to school.

it's very silly to think now but in high school when i was trying to determine whether i loved my first boyfriend or not i remember thinking, "well, does he make me feel like Malik/Malique?" it's silly but sweet. at fourteen, still comparing the way he made me feel behind a barn at 5 years old to how another boy, years and years later, made me feel. it is silly but i think it's sweet.

i don't actually have any interest in finding Malik/Malique or knowing for certain what he does or how he's doing because i seriously doubt i had such an impact on his life, but i hope he's well and alive and happy because that's what i always naturally hope for when i pass petting zoos or farms or see bright yellow school buses.

so, yes. i think everything, us, our relationships, the entire world, is about old friends. all of it. every last bit of it.

i have a whole-grade data analysis, 300 pages of reading, and two mini-papers for classes to finish before tonight so i'm going to get going... i just wanted to write about old friends first.

#on love #on friendship #on teaching #on community #stream of conscious #crushes

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kookieschronicles-blog · 7 years

Text

GOT7 REACTION: THEIR OVERWEIGHT BEST FRIEND GETTING HATE

THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST! IM SO SO SORRY THIS HAS TAKEN SO LONG XXX HOPE YOU ENJOY! <3

MARK:

You wouldn’t have to text or call Mark about you getting so much hate on twitter, because you and Mark tweet at each other a lot, he saw it for himself. You tried to not let it bother you, but when you weren’t online for a couple days Mark noticed how it was starting to effect you. When you and the rest of GOT7 would go out to eat, Mark also noticed how you started to order and eat less, he noticed everything. Mark would stand up and ask you to talk with him outside secretly from the rest of the boys. “Eat.” “What” “Don’t what me, I know everything.” “That’s a bit creepy.” You would laugh hoping he would change the subject. “I’m not going to change the subject I know about the hate and how you haven’t been eating because of it, please eat. If not for me for the rest of the boys.

JACKSON:

When you texted Jackson asking him to come over, he would be there within a heart beat. He would walk into your apartment and almost cry seeing you crying and race towards him for a hug. “(Y/n) whats wrong?” “I’m getting so much hate on social media because I’m friends with GOT7, they are saying that I don’t deserve you guys because I’m not perfect.” “What did they say?” You would hesitate before answering him “..I’m fat..” Jackson would get so mad at this because of how much hate he has received and still receiving, so he would know exactly how you felt. Wiping the tears away from his eyes first, he would lift your head up off his shoulder and wipe your tears away. “Don’t listen to them, okay?” “It’s easier said then done, Jackson.” “I know but think of it this way, who’s here hugging me right now when a few other girls would want to be in the exact same position? Who’s the real winner? They’re just jealous.”

JAEBUM:

JB would get so protective of you, when you text him screenshots of all the hate you were receiving in a photo that you had posted with JB. “OMG she’s so fat wtf?!” “GET YOUR HANDS OF MY OPPAAAA!” “Why does she get to be friends with them?’ “Who did she sleep with to get a photo with him? Probs no one looking like that.” He wouldn’t even reply to the photos you had just sent, instead he’d rush straight over to your apartment. When you didn’t answer the door, he would get the spare key from under the door mat. After finding you as a crying mess in your bedroom, he would just sit next to you on the floor and hug you, letting you cry onto him. The whole time he wouldn’t say anything, but instead, try and control his anger and thinking of ways to get them to stop, he cared about you too much.

JINYOUNG:

Jinyoung is never online so he wouldn’t exactly know what it’s like to get hate online, although he’s probably had it before. One night, all the hate you had been getting was too much, you didn’t want to burden anyone but Jinyoung came to check If you were sleeping and walked in on you crying. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing don’t worry..” “I’m not stupid (y/n), tell me.” “Well, I’ve been getting a lot of hate online and in person because of my weight..” You went on to tell him all of the thoughts in your head and he didn’t judge you, but instead, just sat there and let you cry and let everything out. Every now and then, you would get a nod or a ‘yeah’ but he didn’t really have anything to say. He eventually talked, calming you down and explaining how they’re nothing and shouldn’t effect you, and that if they ever bother you again, they’re going to have to go through him.

YOUNGJAE:

Because Youngjae was your best friend, he would always take photos with you and post them everywhere, because he was happy that you were his best friend. One day, you checked the comments of a video that you and Youngjae had filmed, dancing to one of GOT7’s songs. You saw all the hate like ‘how could you dance with their husband?’ They tried to drag you down about how you looked, your weight, your hair, your everything. Youngjae would notice that you weren’t as happy or excited to do things with him anymore, so he thought that he had done something wrong. One night, he confronted you about it while you were eating dinner at his house with him and his brother. You explained that it was everyone else and not him, and that you felt bad that you made him think that he had done something wrong. “I’m sorry it wasn’t you Youngjae, it’s everyone else they keep hating me no matter what I do.” “So don’t listen to them okay? You’re my best friend and I don’t want them taking you away from me.” “Youngjae, they could never take me away from you.” “I’ll post a photo telling everyone to calm down okay.” He would smile and get up to give you a hug before continuing to eat.

BAMBAM:

Bambam’s basically online 24/7, so he would always have you on his story etc. He would always see all the hate before you did. He tried to delete it all but you saw some before he had deleted it. You messaged Bam and told him not to worry about deleting all the comments, he asked why because in his mind he was just trying to protect you. “I saw the one about how fat I am. I know I am so they’re just telling me what I know.” “You aren’t (y/n) don’t listen to them!” “Bam, I’m best friends with you no matter what I do I’m going to get hate, don’t worry lets just enjoy being friends and forget about them.” “But what if they hurt you.” “Bam it will always hurt me, I just have to choose to be happy with you instead of dwelling over their pathetic peoples opinions.” Bam wouldn’t say anything but instead go to your house to give you a hug, he wouldn’t be crying but you could see the red stains left on his check form earlier.

YUGYEOM:

Yugyeom would be so clueless to you receiving hate. He would only notice when you wouldn’t spend too much time online anymore or even want to pose in photos with him or the boys. He would be confused and end up going to JB for help, but JB, the grandpa knows nothing about the online world, Yugyeom would give up on JB and end up going to Bambam for help. Bam would tell Yugyeom to delete all the comments but it wouldn’t work forever, Bam suggested talking to you about it which he decided to do. “Are you okay?” Yugyeom swung his head around the corner. “Yeah why?” “I’ve sent the comments on our photos its not nice, I’ve delete them, and I will keep doing it, you don’t deserve that.” You wouldn’t even respond before breaking out into tears. Yugyeom would race over hugging you and letting you cry on him, he didn’t care if he got snot over his new shirt. “They’re so mean you don’t deserve this (Y/N)…” he would look so angry and be on the verge of tears.

GIFS ARENT MINE, CREDIT TO THE OWNERS

ON A BETTER NOTE OUR JB IS HOME!! AND HES SAFE IM GLAD <3

feel free to send in requests, if I haven't posted your request that has been sent in already I have gotten them and I'm currently working on them!

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