4. How do you experience communication from parts?

A lot of different ways, actually, ranging from "takes practice to notice" to "oh my god shut the fuck up."

Sometimes it's just the classic. Voice in my head type deal. That's the way most of the like. IDK Main Crew communicates. Volume doesn't work exactly the same way, but if I were to compare it, it's like. Regular speaking volume. A lot of the time I can tune it out if I want to, but I don't like it when they do that to me so I try not to do it to them. I'm not usually one to have whole conversations in my brain though it feels weird and kinda? IDK embarrassing? So it's usually a one way sort of thing with occasional answers but not really. Conversation.

The worse version of that is when it kind of just feels like someone left a door open and I just hear shit that I don't think is being directed towards me (or whoever else is in the driver's seat.) Runaway does this a lot. I just hear shit but they can't hear me. It's really annoying TBH, and distressing because that usually happens when it's yelling or crying or something like that.

Sometimes it's more? IDK vague? Like I can tell smth like "Mimi rly likes that shirt and wants to buy it" but the actual sentence wasn't said in my head or out loud.

Journal entries are less, I think, an active communication and moreso a way of "listening in" on other parts. Like I don't think we always write journal entries with the intention of others reading them, but if things are especially chaotic and/or confusing reading our journal entries can be a good way of piecing things together, especially for some parts that have more distinct handwriting or writing styles.

Sometimes body language is the only way some of our more vulnerable parts can make themselves known or heard. That's kinda sad though. It's usually accompanied by body memories. Generally unpleasant.

Certain parts are able to like. Sort of visualize. Aslan in particular likes to sort of. Manifest in a weird way? IDK I can tell what his body is doing more easily despite him not actually being in control of *my* body. It's not like a hallucination though, I would compare it to like. How you can hold a hand in front of one eye, and because your other eye can see right past it it looks sort of invisible but you can tell it's there.

Hess, similarly, can sort of manifest bodily sensations like being held or a hand on my shoulder or something. She's the only one who does that tho.

In therapy we're trying to work on an "inner world" type deal. It doesn't come naturally to me. I think it was working kind of, before we had to move on to more immediate and pressing things. It def helped to visualize I think. The main issue was no one showing up. or very few showing up. Or not the parts I need/want to show up showing up. I wish I could just beep them or smth LMAO. I would say I'd like to drag them there but I think my therapist would say that doesn't make a safe environment for communication or whatever.

Wings of Wax and Feathers - Belphegor x Reader

A/N: not my best work, but i felt the need to post smth, since i haven’t posted a fic in a while. was gonna finish it sooner, but i highkey had a seizure and have just been recovering from it. anyway, i hope u enjoy and feel free to request shtuff that u wanna read. i’m also expanding on writing for more than just OM!, like MM, MLQC, Love Unholyc, and that’s probably it, but idk. My brain is malfunctioning after sleeping for only 3 hours lmao. Uh, I’m not rly a big acc, so I don’t rly get any requests, so send in requests if ur so inclined!

WC: 1322

Warning(s): general angst, mentions of character death, mentions of strangulation

as always, fic is below the cut-

His dark hair shines bright in the moonlight, violet eyes illuminated, like stones of amethyst. You stand before him, watching him gaze off into the distance. He seems distracted, not having noticed your presence, despite you standing in front of him, within his line of vision, or peripheral, at least. A frown dances across your face as you decide whether or not you feel like bothering him. On one hand, you had sought him out specifically to speak to him, but on the other, you don’t feel like being snapped at. Even if he isn’t the Avatar of Wrath, he sure as hell acts like him.

For weeks, you have been avoiding him, knowing full well that he has wanted to talk to you about “The Incident.” The incident that everyone refuses to even acknowledge. Not even Mammon, who held your corpse after the life had been choked out of it. When you brought it up with him, he pretended to not know what you were talking about. Belphegor is different, though. He knows it happened and he wants to make amends. You aren’t sure that you want to, though. Often, you find yourself flip flopping back and forth between wanting to continue avoiding him and actually speaking to him. Even if he were to apologize, you aren’t sure if you could ever have the same relationship with him as you do with his brothers.

Yet, you find yourself standing in front of him, as he stares at the stars, blissfully unaware of your presence in front of him. At this point, you still aren’t sure you’re ready to talk to him and make amends, but your feet moved faster than your brain, leading you to seek him out. There’s a quality about him, giving him a soft, innocent look. Just a boy who wants to sleep and spend time with his twin brother and little sister. Beneath that soft exterior, however, is a cold-hearted killer. A demon. Of course, they’re all demons. This is their world and you’re just living in it. Even sweet, gullible Mammon is a demon beneath the surface, capable of what Belphegor did to you and worse.

Wind whips around you, chilling you to the bone. Why, of all nights, did you decide that seeking him out in the winter night was a good idea? Ordinarily, one would assume that Hell, or the Devildom, as it’s known by the demons, would be hot at all times. At least, that’s how it’s been portrayed in all forms of media you’ve seen. The Devildom does have winter, though. Winters are different in the Devildom, compared to the human world. Temperatures are colder than anywhere in the Human World, even the coldest of places. Despite the cold, tonight is warm, compared to other nights in the Devildom, yet freezing to you.

“MC.” A quiet voice drags you from your reverie, as stoic, violet eyes bore into yours. He seems to have finally noticed you. Beyond saying your name, however, he says nothing else. Just stares. There’s a tired expression on his face, but just beneath the surface, you sense his irritation. Obviously, he had come all this way to be alone and just think, but you showed up, invading his space. The demon doesn’t say anything about it, but somehow, you’re sure that that is what he’s thinking. It’s hard to tell with him, though, as he wears the same tired look on his face, no matter his mood, similar to a certain police captain on a show that you watch in the human world. Dark circles accentuate the bags under his eyes, which anyone would assume came from a lack of sleep, but you know better. All he does is sleep.

“Belphegor, hello. I was looking for you.” He says nothing, just staring at you, not blinking. You feel like a turtle, wanting to slip back into your shell, but there is nowhere for you to run. The Avatar of Sloth isn’t a threat to you, at least not now, but you still feel uneasy around him. Perhaps you should have brought Mammon or Beelzebub with you, but they’re back at the House of Lamentation, unaware of Belphegor’s location, or that you had sought him out. If Mammon knew anything of your fear of the youngest brother, he would have kept you from searching for him in the first place.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, he finally speaks again. “Why? You’ve been avoiding me, but suddenly you wish to be in my presence?”

You ponder his question. Other than trying to make amends, for the sake of the other brothers, what is your reasoning for seeking him out? The two of you know that you would rather be anywhere than where you were. “I guess I just want to smooth things over with you and make amends, y’know? For the sake of your brothers. All this time, I’ve been playing the demon family therapist, and it seems my work isn’t over yet.” Momentarily, you pause, giving him time to absorb what you just told him. “So, you don’t hate humans anymore. You’ve seen that we aren’t so bad, right? It isn’t any human’s fault that Lil-”

“Don’t say her name!” He snapped, his violet eyes blazing with anger. What is the point of trying to patch things up if he won’t even listen to you? His anger was starting to rub off on you, as you scowled at him. Maybe you made the wrong decision in coming here. “Humans are insolent, insignificant beings! Just because you are the descendant of someone that I cared about, doesn’t mean that my viewpoint has suddenly changed on your kind. You’re the only human that’s worth allowing to live. The rest can all die, for all I care,” he says, as if that makes anything better. His voice grows louder with every word, causing you to back away slightly, out of fear. You don’t notice it, but he does. Even if it is his fault, it still stings to see you so frightened of him.

Even without the fear of him, his words are not what you wanted to hear. You should have known. Demons are creatures of habit, not putting forth the effort to change themselves for the better. It was in their nature, and you should have expected the Avatar of Sloth to be the least likely to make a change in his nature. “You know what? I tried! I tried to patch things up between us for your brothers, but you’re too far gone! You don’t care about me! You don’t like me! I only matter to you because I’m some distant descendant of your sister’s! This may not be what you want to hear, but it’s the truth! Stop pretending that I’m anything to you but some vicarious version of your sister!” Your hands tremble as you shout. The demon is silent, his violet eyes piercing yours. He doesn’t even appear to be reacting to your words. “What?! You have nothing to say?!” Hot tears prick at the corners of your eyes, as you try to fight them off, not wanting to cry in front of him. Sniffling, you wipe your nose and turn to walk away, the icy dew soaking into your boots, which offer little protection against the cold. As you start to leave, he settles on a fallen, rotting log, burying his face into his hands.

Belphegor lifts his head from his hands, speaking quietly to himself. “My name is Icarus, and I have flown far too close to the sun.” He sighs and runs a hand through his dark locks, feeling all alone in your absence. If only his love for humans hadn't turned to hate. Maybe then you would feel comfortable around him. For now, though, he will have to watch you from a distance, keeping tabs on you from Beel.

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I rly want to see a psychiatrist/therapist(not sure what the distinction is)but idk how to bring it up with one/both my parents. like i've seen psychologists before but they're not helping at all and I don't trust the one i'm seeing now bc she always minimize everything i tell her (and i rly mean everything) and she thinks asexuality is a disease, and i'd like to try going on medication bc,, i can't cope anymore i need smth to help me idk how to tell that to my parents w/o them annoying me -Ivy

your current psychologist sounds like utter garbage, like not even just as a medical professional but as a human being lmao. definitely try to switch!! 

so you’d definitely want to find a psychiatrist because they’re the only ones who can prescribe you medication! i much prefer psychiatrists anyway because i find they take a more medical approach, which i like. general doctors can prescribe medication but tbh it’s just better to do it all with a psychiatrist because medication + therapy is the best course of treatment (but as a last resort, if you can’t get a psychiatrist, defs talk to your doctor)

i’m not sure how it is in france? but here you can just ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. you’re underage so they might need to talk to your parents which is a bummer since it doesn’t seem like they understand you. but your doctor explaining to them that you need better treatment and potentially medication is probably the best way to go. that was the only thing that made my mom take my mental illness seriously when i was a teenager.

also - i think you’re going to uni soon, right? most universities (maybe all??) have counselling services and some have psychiatrists there. you wouldn’t need a referral for that, just make an appointment with the counselling services. i’m not sure if they’d need to talk to your parents though.

also depending on when your birthday is, you could just wait until you turn 18 because then they wouldn’t need to know at all.

but yeah i don’t really have any solid advice on how to actually have a conversation with your parents about that. my own parents were fuckin HORRIBLE with this when i was a teen, it was awful. like i could give you a list of rational things to say but if the other party isn’t receptive to it then it doesn’t matter. my best suggestion is to get your doctor to talk to them