somebody grant me the strength to go to work tonight 😭

There's been something I've been meaning to talk about for a while now but it recently came to a head about a week ago and I've came to realize that the medical field is probably one of the most uncaring amd worst places to work for someone with mental illness! You'd think the medical field would understand, right? Nope! Out of all the jobs I've had, none have been this bad at working with me or helping with my issues. I won't go into detail about what happened but I haven't had much in the way of anxiety attacks in the last couple years (cept for a couple incidents.) All in all, I've been doing stunningly better! However, when I have a job I tend to have a lot more anxiety issues (no matter what the job is, it just seems to happen.) So I've had about 3-4 attacks since I started work at the beginning of this year at a hospital (working one of the lowest rungs that still deals with patient care.) But that's to be expected; I figured that would happen since it almost always does, but I was intent on trying to sticking it out this time. Now, I don't like pity - let's just get that clear right now. I don't like pity, I don't like bothering people, I try my best to at least be as good as my peers at my job and I absolutely abhor bothering people with my issues (be that mental illness stuff or standard job difficulties.) Basically, I try to hold my own as best I can and I don't like to mention my mental health issues unless it's clear they're absolutely becoming an problem. Well, first (technically 2nd but the real first was a very small and not full blown attack) anxiety? A nurse happened to be in the room with me and took me to the main office where they let me chill a little and transferred me to work with a less trying patient. That's good! That seems reasonable yeah? Though what they did I agree was a good move, the way the nurse (an RN mind you) acted towards me was... odd. You'd expect a nurse to be well trained with things like anxiety or panic attacks and know both how to help out and seem considerate, right? Well... you'd be very wrong! Though she wasn't mean she didn't seem to understand at all what was happening to me even after I told her I was having an anxiety attack. She clearly didn't know much in the way of how to help me calm down or even deal with me at all working on her floor. But whatever, maybe she was tired? Nurses work their asses off after all! Maybe she just wasn't well trained with anxiety issues? It could happen. I gave her a pass in my mind but noted how it was strange for her to be so seemingly uncomfortable with a simple anxiety attack, especially one of a coworker. My 2nd anxiety attack went mostly unnoticed and I dealt with it the way I normally do. Took a break to go to the bathroom and try to chill out, stayed there a bit longer than my break actually allows but made sure I was okay before going back to the patient's room to continue my shift as normal. At the end though I made sure to inform my supervisor that I could no longer work with said patient because he was behind my prior anxiety attack as well. They didn't really agree but that didn't disagree with me either that they'd make sure I didn't have to work with him again. Then the 3rd anxiety attack. The big one. The awful one. The one that really forced my realization. Like I said, I won't go into detail on what happened. Lots of things happened that night all at once and some caused serious issues but are unrelated to the topic of the hospital's treatment of anxiety attacks. But the stunning thing I did realize was just how non-understanding and non-accomodating my supervisors (years long medical workers, especially in nursing fields) could be. At one of my last jobs, though they ran everyone to the brink of exhaustion and stress (causing many people to quit around the same time, including myself) they at least we're kind when they realized I had anxiety issues. It didn't actually work out the way they promised but they were willing to work with me and make simple accommodations to help me out (like working in the back when the store got really busy.) They were also very understanding and assuring even though I was terrified that they found out. At another job, though I didn't stay long last the first month's training classes, they were also understanding and my trainer took the time to explain how she understood what anxiety was like and gave me plenty of time and space to calm myself down (we got along so well I even friended her on FB after I quit and she's still really nice to me.) Basically, my other jobs were understanding. They didn't pity me (thank gods!) but they were open, supportive, understanding, accomodating and those coworkers who had been through similar really helped commiserate with me which helped me feel more comfortable knowing I wasn't alone. The hospital I work at now? None of the above! They weren't mean mind you, they technically said just enough to make it so that I probably couldn't sue them for treating me differently due to my mental disabilities (I have no intention to) but it really did seem like they wanted to put in the bare minimum of care to make sure that didn't happen. Did they tell me how they understood that anxiety was difficult to deal with? No. Did they try understandingy issues? No. Did they ask or try to accommodate me (like helping me to find a more suitable job there or letting me know I could ask to switch patients if things got hard? No. Did they seem any bit empathetic or even sympathetic? No. They gave me time to calm down (though they seemed pretty ansy for me to hurry up and breath so I could talk or rather, listen to them.) They said they were worried a couple times (while seemingly sounding and looking like they didn't give a single shit and were simply required to say it.) Did they at all mention anxiety is a disability or offer any tips for dealing with it? Nope! Instead they told me, in only slightly prettier words, to suck it up, deal with it on my own, don't cause problems, and that it's only gonna get worse from here. Not exactly kind or what you'd expect from medical personnel huh? In fact, that's my main concern - it was MEDICAL PERSONNEL! I could see this with grocery store staff or call center supervisors and probably write it off as just being ill informed or more caring about the cash and not the employees. But... trained, licensed, careered RNs and nursing staff!?!? Staff that I KNOW have had to deal with and care for mentally ill patients of all sorts? Staff that likely occasionally have to help out in the adjoining psychiatric center!? People whose job is literally to care for other people!? This is what disturbs me! This is what concerns me! If they treat a fellow employee like this then how do they treat the actual patients with problems!? Look, I know nurses don't have it easy! I have both family and friends who are CNAs and RNs and I know some of the shit they go through and how stressful it is. Especially since starting a hospital job and seeing stuff firsthand, I have MAJOR respect for those that can do such jobs! You guys have to have balls of steel! No... platinum! Dear gods the shit you ppl go through! I can easily see why you'd be frustrated especially with a coworker who can't handle the shit you deal with daily! I get it. I can see why you'd snap at patients and even eventually experience burn out and stop giving a shit in general. Hell, I wouldn't blame you one damn bit! But I would hope most of that would be split decisions, heat of the moment type stuff. Not when you've had almost an hour to absorb what's happened and had plenty of time to think through what to do or how to act. If you treat your co-workers like this, how would someone expect you to treat your patients? Not one of the 6 jobs that I've had treated my anxiety issues THIS BADLY! I'm talking data entry places, places with tiny cubicles, telarmarketing places, call centers, grocery stores, RETAIL stores! If nothing else I'd expect at least understanding from medical field workers! My supervisors, even a few of my coworkers - did not only not seem to understand but didn't even care! I was told by one to pretty much man up or quit! And some of these people, I KNOW have either personally dealt with mental health issues themselves or know someone close who has. Even if you know the job is tough, even if you know it may get worse, even if you've personally dealt with worse - you can't even say something as easy as "yeah man, this shits hard, I get it."? If I ever mentioned how hard my night was, my coworkers in the group chat didn't even care enough to respond. I mean, I'm sure you've had hard nights too! Let's talk about it! Let's commiserate and complain together! There's over I of us on this shift and I know you all have gone through shit, let's let off a little steam about it! There's gotta be at least one of you who'd love to rant it out! I find when you complain together about a tough job it makes you feel better knowing there's others in the same situation. Just knowing you're not alone can help a lot! Heck, answering every question you know the answer to with "just call the supervisors" cause you can't take 2 mins to say something like "click the x button on the menu" to help a coworker is a bit extreme isn't it? That last anxiety attack I had suicidal thoughts for a short bit in the midst of the worst part. I asked my supervisors for any advice they might have (hoping they might share some of their 20+ years of health field knowledge) they ignored my question and sent me straight to the ER even though I told them I was fine now. I can see the reaction for legal reasons but they didn't seem worried about me personally but how it may affect my job. They refused to listen to me. I went to the ER. Sat there, had blood work done and answered a few questions about how I was feeling and they let me leave. Why? Because they had determined I was fine and no threat to myself or others, just like I had told my supervisors. They never did give me advice. But they did screenshot my phone to show HR. So no, I don't want pity and I don't want people to get super worried about me but I'm always worrying that I'll be fired because of my anxiety attacks and the least a supervisor or coworker could do is tell me they understand it's tough (the job or the anxiety) or give me helpful tips or listen to me or ask how they could help. But being ignored, told to man up, told to quit, treated like I was just a legal risk and quickly unloading me onto anyone else they could - that's not how you treat someone! Someone with anxiety, depression, mental illness, learning disabilities, young people, old people - ANY PEOPLE! And what's worse is you are MEDICAL STAFF! You should KNOW about this stuff. You should KNOW how to handle it! You should KNOW to at least act like you care! You should KNOW how to comfort or calm someone or make them feel comfortable and not just like a legal risk or a bother that you don't want to deal with! HOW TF DO PATIENTS FEEL ABOUT THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!? My managers are always complaining about inspections and how the hospital is rated by patients and why and how to improve our scores. Well, as someone who's been an employee and now a patient too, lemme tell you your main patient displeasure issue - YOUR ATTITUDE! I thought before that some patients were just asking too much of the staff but now I know that they were right. But it's not about getting your apple juice quicker it's about being treated like you're either just a giant thorn in their side or a pit of money! Maybe next time I won't ignore that survery phone call.

work-related rant

i started getting full hours again and with the raises we got this month it really works out bc next semester i wont be able to work as much with going back to school (since the class im taking this semester is fully online) and even tho im more tired from having to work so much im glad to have the money

but now thanks to this fuckin weirdass creepy man i have so much anxiety going to work now. the first time it happened months ago when he would randomly say hi to me and i was like wtf cuz i definitely dont know him but kinda ignored it, and then it happened again like a few weeks/months after that but i was busy doing my job so i didnt acknowledge him.... and then last week i was going down an aisle picking out items and i didnt see who it was and thought it was a regular customer trying to pass thru, but no its that fucking creep who deliberately followed me down and wouldnt leave me alone until i said hi to him? but then like the next day, he was fucking there again and i was going to take my cart back to the curbside area, but he literally blocked me off saying hi over and over until i had to fucking interact with him and i’m getting SO fucking sick of it. i was off yesterday so i didnt have to worry about it, but all today i was anxious going thru the store doing my job, and when i thought i was in the clear his stupid annoying ass was there AGAIN going out of his way to make sure i noticed him like-

leave me the fuck alone you piece of shit? i dont fucking know you i dont give a rat’s ass if ur a “customer” quit being a goddamn creep!!! and he’s got to be in his like 50s and im not a teenager but i still look pretty young (i dont mean that in a braggy way, ppl still mistake me for high school age so the fact that he keeps trying to talk to me is.....really gross) im so fucking sick of it and im so sick of being anxious the entire time im at work now thinking im gonna have to see that freak, and since he’s been there practically every day the past couple of days i’ve been there it just completely fucking kills my mood and makes me feel sick that this stupid annoying asshole is making it a mission to harass me?

ive been “polite” to him bc obviously if i try to ignore him he pursues me and im afraid he’s gonna...get even more persistent or even aggressive, but of course i fucking hate feeling like i “have” to be nice out of fear when he makes me SUPER uncomfortable and is forcing me at this point to acknowledge him. it was really annoying at best when it happened like....once every couple of months, but he’s literally been there consistently the last couple of days i’ve been at work and i’m so fucking sick of it. something happened where one of my younger female co-workers quit a while back because of a creepy dude working in another department, and the store leaders claimed they “couldnt do anything about it” so she left, so i’m afraid they’re gonna basically tell me the same thing? especially because i need this job right now... i’m going to talk to my manager about it when im back to work on monday and hopefully they can like...ban him from the store or something, and i guess if all else fails i can maybe look into transferring....but i like working here bc some good friends i’ve made are here and i hate that i would have to be the one to leave because some annoying man HAS to be an entitled creep.

i also dont want to have to be stuck inside the curbside box retrieving if they think the best course of action is to stop me from doing the part of my job i like to do....because i prefer shopping way more, but that requires me to be in the store and therefore susceptible to having to see the creep. also, apparently a guy who’s, like, nice enough but kinda annoys me is apparently interested in me...and another guy who i thought was just being friendly made me uncomfortable when he, completely out of the blue and not subtle at all, was in my business about whether i had a boyfriend/was single, and i’m getting to the point where i want to swear off men completely? like, yeah i can still feel attraction to men, but there’s just been way too many instances lately where men just creep me the fuck out or make me uncomfortable, and now dealing with this fucking stalker, i just keep thinking “i fucking hate men” over and over again.... (and yeah of course not all men etc. but i’m so fucking tired of this shit right now)

i really really hope they can do something about the guy, i’m getting close to the point where the next time i see him i’m literally gonna snap and tell him to piss off and leave me the fuck alone

also..... idk if it’s paranoia or bc as soon as i realize it’s him i try to ignore him entirely and dont pay enough attention, but i feel like the last times he’s been here his cart has always been empty.... like he’s just pushing it around to make it “look” like he’s shopping...  

Could I request an imagine where the RFA+V+Saeran are jealous of MC. Like they see someone flirting with her or see her treating someone with care and they just get really jealous?

okay this got way too long so i’m gonna put the rest under a cut after yoosung’s LOL i wrote freaking novels oh my god

Yoosung:

he actually gets jealous really easily

never forget yandere yoosung

you visited him on campus once and a lot of his classmates got lowkey crushes on you

some had highkey crushes and worked up the courage to go talk to you they moved in packs cause they were nervous

“hey there, are you an incoming transfer student? ;)”

“ah, no… i’m looking for kim yoosung?”

their eyes went wide before they burst into smiles

“oooooh, so this is our yoosung’s infamous girlfriend? we almost couldn’t believe it. i swear, he never stops talking about you”

in the distance, you swear you heard feet stomping before yoosung practically threw himself between you and his classmates

“noooo!!! she’s mine, my girlfriend!!”

you and them are all laughing as he shoos them away before leading you towards the entrance

then he starts apologizing a billion times 

“i’m sorry, did they make you uncomfortable? they’re good guys, though. really!” 

“no, they seemed friendly… do you really talk about me that much at school?”

he goes red in the face and starts stammering like a madman

“n-no, i mean… yes, but it’s all… i like talking about you! but if you don’t like it, i’ll stop!!”

you laugh and say it’s fine, you think it’s cute, and he starts blushing even more

turns out it’s lunch break so he offers to show you around the school

although he holds your hand the entire time and doesn’t let go

if an oblivious male student tries to make conversation, you can literally feel him bristling like a little porcupine next to him

you think it’s cute though, lowkey

Zen:

if he could, he’d carry around a swatter so he could bat away any guy that tried going near you

basically all of your dates in public are 85% you both enjoying the date 5% zen dealing with approaching fans and 10% zen giving major side eye to any guy that’s staring at you too long 

although his possessive instincts got worse after one particular incident

you two were taking a walk around the park late in the afternoon after his rehearsals 

 there were still people hanging around the plaza, so he wore a mask and tucked in his hair under a cap to be more discreet 

he noticed an ice cream cart vendor still hanging around nearby, so he offered to go buy some cones 

you ain’t about to turn down dessert so you agree and wait on a bench in the plaza while he rushes offuntil a pair of slightly tipsy dudes saunter over to you and ask for your number 

you’re all “sorry nope i’d rather not” but they’re annoyingly persistent and loud

they try to sit on the bench with you so you get up to move except they get up and block your way again 

at this point, you’re considering kicking them in the shins when it happens 

you catch zen stalking over from behind the dudes before he not-so-accidentally shoulders between them, ice cream cones in hand 

they both stumble to the ground, swearing at 95 mph 

zen’s too busy handing you both ice creams to hear them anyways 

now they’re pissed off, hauling themselves back up and ready to reach for him 

when zen whips around, yanks off his face mask and pulls off his cap 

you could literally see both men’s eyes widen at how good-looking zen was 

some girls in the distance are now screaming cause they recognized zen but he’s too busy glaring lasers into the two people in front of him 

you know he’s glaring because they both shrunk back slightly, and you swear the shock of it all sobered them up 

although some people were already racing up with their cellphones, so you finally step next to zen and tap his shoulder with your free hand 

“uh, zen? people are watching” 

zen finally glances towards you, a grin growing on his face 

“good” 

he slings an arm around your shoulder before turning back towards the two, who were just blinking like who tf is this guy why are we being surrounded by screaming girls 

and then zen goes “thanks for keeping my girlfriend company while i was gone. i’d rather not be violent and ruin our date tonight, so consider yourselves lucky.”

his fans are good ppl and don’t chase after him as he leads you away from the park, to your relief

once you two were walking back on the street, you’re laughing at how funny the whole situation was

it was like some scene out a drama

zen was pouting for a bit that those guys tried advancing on you, but he soon loosened up and started laughing too

by that time, both of the ice cream cones had half-melted, but neither of you minded

Jaehee:

she tends to keep things to herself, even when something’s bothering her

and usually, she dealt with it on her own, even though you always ask her to rely on you once in a while

one time you were communicating with a potential party guest, and you two really hit it off

he was a real friendly and fun person to chat with, so he sometimes called you up to chat instead of just messaging

one phone call happened in the evening at home 

you were sprawled on the sofa while she was at the dinner table on her laptop

you didn’t notice anything was amiss until she suddenly walked disappeared into the kitchen and reappeared with a cup of coffee

she marched over and placed it on the small table in front of the sofa next to you

you slightly tilt the phone away to look at her questioningly and whisper “coffee?”

“you looked tired, i thought this could give you a boost”

“but it’s almost 8pm, i won’t be able to sleep if i drink this”

jaehee looks slightly dejected, but nods

she says “apologies, i forgot how late it was” before taking the cup to her table for herself

now you feel bad for making her sad, but suddenly remember you’re still on the phone and hurriedly go back to answer the guest

you want to go cheer jaehee up so you’re trying to find the right time to hang up but he keeps talking

until suddenly jaehee pipes up from where she’s sitting and goes “could you come and check over this itinerary? it’s almost finalized”

you grab the chance and tell the guest you have something to do, and finally end the call

but when you march over, there’s no itinerary on her screen

“did you send it already…?”

“ah no, i still have to add some things to it, so there’s not much to review yet”

it slowly dawns on you and you grin really wide 

“jaehee… were you jealous?”

she doesn’t turn to look at you, but you ain’t missing the way her ears were going red

“of course not, you were simply doing business with a potential guest. although i must point out that upon looking into his financial history, he does not have a reputable credit…”

you laugh and hug her from behind, feeling her relax and bit and chuckle too

she was right about the guest he was drowning in debt too so you ended up not inviting him, and everyone was happy

Jumin:

look up “possessive” in the dictionary and a picture of Jumin Han will appear next to the definition

will not forgive any man who dares to make moves on you

god help them if they try it in front of him

he’s stuck to your side most of the time you two go outside on a date

although he gets especially territorial when you’re shopping at a mall or something

since you’ll be wandering around looking at the items on sale, you’re bound to encounter different people

but if someone - especially a guy - looks like he’s about to ask for that yung phone number, jumin pops up out of nowhere and literally shuts them down

one second it’s just you and some random guy hanging out by a store shelf as he starts to say “hey, i think you’re really cute. do you think we could exchange info and maybe grab a cup of–”

a wild jumin appears! 

he’ll just… pop up like a gopher before glaring at the guy and going “no”

this happens every time some guy tries flirting with you

you swear he has some kind of radar 

one time he accidentally did it to a salesperson he didn’t regret it though

although when he’s feeling particularly jealous, he copes by buying you everything

i’m talking rows of clothes/shoes/jewelry getting purchased in one go

you’re like “jumin NO” but he just pulls out his credit card and goes “jumin yes”

you end up returning almost everything the next day anyways

if he’s still sulking by the time you two get home, though, you’re sure to cuddle him and reassure him that you love him only

and that helps him stop the sulking and restore the happiness

707:

this boy goes from Not Jealous to Jealous Hacker Meme Master™ real quick

it’s a rare mode that is not easily unlocked, but it’s memorable when it happens

one special moment was when you had to actually go and meet an RFA guest in person

he was fine with it until you mentioned that you two were having lunch before taking a stroll around town while you talked

“wait, this sounds like a date!!”

“it’s not, he says it’s just formalities so that we get along well”

“that’s a date!!!!!”

by the end of the conversation he’s actively clinging to your leg while you struggle to reach the door

you swear that it’s just a meeting, and even offer for him to check on you once in a while if it makes him feel better

he finally lets you go at that, sending you off with teary eyes and a kiss/hug

you and the RFA guest have a peaceful lunch

that is, until your phone suddenly starts beeping nonstop

you’re like wtf and unlock your phone when a pixelated cartoon of seven bounces around your screen

suddenly your phone starts saying “i love seven!” with some upbeat cartoon music playing in the background

okay it’s actually kind of cute but you’re in a public cafe and the thing’s so loud

thankfully it stops after like 20 seconds, and you two laugh it off

the guy’s like “i’m guessing that’s the ringtone for your boyfriend?”

and you’re all “hahaha… yeah… ringtone…”

the walk around town isn’t that eventful - you two just chat a bit about his occupation and you explain a bit about the party

but at the end, he asks to add your number so that he can contact you about any additional questions

you’re fine with it, but when he tries to save your contact information, he frowns when he phone suddenly blares on error sound

to your horror, you can hear seven’s voice from his phone

“Greetings, dear RFA guest! Unfortunately, this precious number is not allowed to be stored onto your cellular device! Please try again with a different phone number! By the power of God Seven, please accept this photo of Longcat instead! Goodbye!!”

there’s a loooong silence after the message as you both stare at his phone

and as promised, a photo of Longcat suddenly pops up on his lockscreen

you’re busy trying not to laugh apologizing to him, but he’s already laughing, finding the thing hilarious

he amends by saying he’ll email you professionally instead, and thanks you for the interesting meeting

also asks you to send his regards to your boyfriend

you go home to a smug seven sitting in his desk chair

you can’t even get mad at him, and he’s lowkey relieved you’re not

the two of you spend the rest of the night chilling in bed and watching cheesy movies together

V:

a really jealous V is a one in a million moment

literally so rare

since he’s too pure to be tainted with such a thing like envy

so even when he does get jealous, it’s like a really mild form of it

for the most part, he’s the type to just silently sulk about it

if you two are out in public, he’ll do his darnedest to make sure he’s holding your hand or your shoulder

and then once you’re home, he asks if he could just sit on the sofa with you

by “sit on the sofa with you” he means “you sit on the sofa while he hugs you forever”

you can tell when he’s feeling jealous though, cause he goes extremely quiet and always wants to hug you 24/7 

during those times you like to hug him back and just continuously tell him why you love him to make him feel better

and it works, even though he always insists that he wasn’t feeling jealous

it’s hella cute when he does it though, so you just let him say that

he also goes on a picture-taking spree when he’s feeling a bit jealous of you chatting it up with another guy

makes sure that the flash is on when he snaps a picture of you

the guys all confused as to why he took a picture

and V just goes “ah, sorry. i was trying to take a photo of my girlfriend. she looked particularly stunning just now”

and at the point, the other party immediately realizes the situation and backs off

thanks to that, there’s lots of extra candids of you talking with some random guy hiding in a box in V’s room

Saeran:

um if you make the mistake of provoking a jealous saeran, you better start ordering a casket

he won’t even give the guy a chance to save himself if he tries flirting with you out in the open

he’ll just casually move you aside and take your place in front of the guy before going “back off before things get ugly”

that paired with his soul-destroying glare is usually enough to scare everyone off

except one time in front of a small movie theater, a particular brave soul didn’t back down

instead, he puffed up his chest and just smirked

“what’s with you, goth boy. her boyfriend or something?”

you’re slightly ticked off now, stepping forward and glaring at him

“he is, actually.”

the guy’s surprised, but laughs it off

“seriously? him? come on, i think i could be a better match for you.”

at this point you’re about the roast this guy to the ends of the earth when saeran places a hand on your shoulder and asks you to go buy the tickets for you two

you catch the expression on his face and know better than to stick around so you head to the ticket booth while whispering a silent prayer for the guy

and then saeran steps forward so that he’s nearly touching noses with the guy

proceeds to give him the most fear-inducing and heart-shriveling look

honestly, the guy was about to pee himself, but just barely held it together

“you have two choices. either leave right now and hope you never cross paths with us again, or i can ruin your life in every way imaginable.”

the guy knows saeran’s dead serious too, so he just books it out of there

and saeran simply walks back to the ticket booth where you’re waiting, takes your hand, and starts heading towards the theater room

you didn’t hear what he said, but you still loved watching it happen