#i really do Not want to eat more bc i have been maintaining my weight for like a month ibstead of losing and its making me freak out a bit
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im still thinking about her. my potato soup dinnar <3 havent eaten it in sooooo long cause i dont like it without sour cream. which i still cant have this is plain 5% greek yogurt. 0 complaints i love you plain full fat yogurt.
#im hungry again now which is Insane to me cause i definitely overate today but i guess a lot of that was sugar :(#i really do Not want to eat more bc i have been maintaining my weight for like a month ibstead of losing and its making me freak out a bit#its fine what evar.#also im trying to get myself to like the zero sugar chobani yogurt#but i just cant theyre NOT GOOD and theyre not satiating to me at all#bc they have no fucking fat in them 😭#i dont think im gonna buy any more i mostly wanted to try them for the funny flavors but. woof.
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my favorite halloween story has little to do with halloween but: once at a college costume party i met a post-grad student who grew up by the coast and came from a family of avid amateur (semi-professional? her mom regularly won tournament prize money) fishermen (fisherpeople?), with the result that she (the post-grad student) had grown up regularly eating fresh seafood multiple nights a week, that was the basic family meal, and when she got to college (hundreds of miles inland) suddenly fresh seafood was very hard to find (on a college student's budget) and she was so frustrated that in junior year (after she moved into a sorority house and had enough space) she concocted a plan to purchase her own aquarium specifically in order to farm/breed her own fresh seafood, and i'm assuming she was so gung-ho that she didn't do her research bc no sooner had she purchased an enormous aquarium off of [craigslist i'm assuming] than she discovered that local pet (aquarium? fish supply) stores either (1.) did not sell species of fish she was interested in eating, (2.) did sell fish she was interested in eating but they were tiny/would take too long to grow to a size worth eating, or (3.) sold fish-she-would-want-to-eat of a size-she-would-eat but at a price that made them more expensive than just going to the fish section of the local grocery store (((did she think they would be cheaper? and if so why buy an aquarium at all why not just buy and quickly consume the fish???))), or (4.) a combo nation of the 3.
But ANYWAY by this point she has already purchased the aquarium, so she goes ahead and buys some tiny fish of a species she was interested in consuming (i want to say guppies. i know they weren't guppies it was another species entirely, probably several different species, but in my headspace that detail has been overwritten with the label "[guppies]" so guppies it is). anyway the guppies don't look particularly delicious but she's observing them pretty often (multiple times a day) in order to track their growth, and soon she's regularly jotting down notes and calculating their caloric intake and predicted weight increase and she's tweaking the aquarium settings to facilitate growth and--basically she becomes an aquarium person. you know, those people who have an aquarium and are heavily mentally focused on the having and maintaining of said aquarium (often in a supposedly leisurely but also completely serious and sedately obsessive manner).
so she gets really into it, and is encouraged by her sorority sisters (who are having fun naming and making up back stories for all the different fishies), and yes i guess she also grows attached to the fish (but this isn't the story of a bunch of fish not getting eaten, ok, she doesn't eat those fish, those fish are no longer for eating, but she still eats plenty of fish whenever she gets the chance, at restaurants and at her parents' house i assume, fish are still being eaten, she does not end up a reformed former fish-eater). oh, and then she goes on to write her senior thesis (? or class thesis or. some final project paper thing) on the fish (or on her aquarium ecosystem? something to do with aquariums), and she decorates her graduation cardboard hat thing with a little finding nemo plushie sewn on.
*GASPS FOR BREATH* (no no wait. ***GULPS LIKE A GUPPY*** hah!) anyway this all happened several years before i even met this woman whose name i don't remember at a college halloween party, but the reason i know this backstory is we had both had too much halloween punch and i asked her "so what are you studying" and she started telling me about how she was in the final year of getting her PhD in Marine Conservation
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update!! end of may
hi you guys (idk if anyone cares but anyway) i havent posted a food log in a long time bc ive been eating around 1500cals a day. (i was previously in a deficit, eating around 900-1000cals) with this new amount i should maintain the weight i am now (estim. 110lbs/50kg). i should not really gain or lose at all this way. i have been doing this for the past few weeks bc my hair is falling out, my period stopped, my skin wasnt healing so all the pimples/acne never cleared up etc. no use in being skinny when im fkng bald and look like a zombie
i also have my breast augmentation scheduled june 26th so i dont want to be too weak and fucking die. i need the new boobs. period hasnt come back but its bit only a month so ig needs more time, my hair is also super brittle still, my skin does seem to be healing better again after weeks of open scabs (i pick at my acne/pimples on my face ik its bad) (so fucked to have these side effects but still being so far from thin)
so basically i thought if this pimple scab thing cant heal how tf am i gonna recover after surgery? so that's what ive been doing in May and why.
once ive fully recovered from the surgery, i plan to lose some more weight. for now tho im focusing on eating healthy,balanced at maintenance level so my body is even able to recover
lmk if you guys are interested in what im eating now that im maintaining/prepping for surgery and ill do some more food logs again :) also just ask if u have any questions or feel free to give advice
way too long since i posted, love you guys ♡
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Curry and Cheesecake (Ariel Conroy x Reader Smut)
Pairing: dark!Ariel Conroy x fem!Reader
Word Count: 7,168
Summary: Ariel is desperate for you to tell him what you want to make you happy after he kidnapped you.
Warnings: minors, please go read something else!! there is smut. dark, pls don’t read if you don’t like. creepy ariel. bro, he kidnapped you. stockholm syndrome is the vibe. he’s pretty sweet in most of this, but he’s still crazy and obsessive so you’ve been warned!! choking. lots of cuss words. kinda degrading but mostly praise. orgasm denial. unprotected sex bc im too lazy to write about condoms.
A/N: this is for the nugget gang, tagging @demontoucansam per request!! this fic is so long it’s my magnum opus. also the diner is in reference to the singular denny’s in the entire UK, which is in wales. i really want to go there and compare it to US denny’s haha. i’m so sorry if this sucks, i’ve been working on it for a while and i feel like idk how to fix it anymore so now i’m just posting it lol
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You stare at the ceiling for a few more seconds before you slowly turn your head to the sound of footsteps coming down the basement stairs. Ariel smiles when you look at him, and continues walking towards you.
“I’m back my love,” he coos as he crouches down next to your laying form. “I brought your favorite,” he says hopefully, bringing the plastic bag in his hand up to your eye level. You stare at him with drooped eyelids—trying to express as little amusement as possible—despite the pleasant scent of garlic naan and curry wafting to your nose. A corner of Ariel’s mouth twitches down in disappointment, but he maintains his composure. He sits down on the floor with his back against your bed frame, though it's so low to the ground it barely reaches the middle of his spine. It creaks a little as he does so, the rusty poles not enjoying the pressure of his weight resting against them. He unties the plastic bag, beginning to separate his food from yours.
You sit up and calmly swing your legs to the edge of the bed, desperately trying to maintain your facade of displeasure as you sit next to him on the floor. Though you did genuinely hate being kept in Ariel’s basement, it had been a while since he brought you food that he hadn’t made himself. He was very insistent on you eating properly to maintain your health, but despite his painstaking efforts to cook dishes you would enjoy, you would reject all of it. Refusing to let you die of starvation, Ariel began force-feeding you with nutritional smoothies, an often upsetting experience he had to participate in every morning as you thrashed around trying to get away from him. At a loss with what to do, Ariel hoped that bringing you food from your favorite restaurant would get you to eat without him having to do that again today.
Ariel’s eyes widen, relishing in the simple act of you moving closer to him of your own free will. He opens the take-out container with your curry in it and places it on your lap, along with a plastic fork provided by the restaurant. He stares at your face expectantly, lifting his elbow to rest on the mattress as he waits for you to take a bite of your food. Once again, you’re trying to maintain an air of disinterest and avoid giving him the satisfaction of seeing you enjoy yourself. However, it’s been weeks since you ate anything vaguely resembling normal human food. With all you’ve had to endure, you decide to let your guard down and accept this meal as a treat for yourself for hanging in there so far. You tear a piece of naan lazily, scooping up the aromatic curry as unenthusiastically as possible, while mentally praising the heavens for being able to eat such delicious food again.
Ariel watches you eat for a while, delighting in the sight of you eating without him having to force your mouth open or hear you cry uncontrollably. He carefully observes you chewing your food, his eyes not missing the tiniest, slightest hint of a crinkle in your eyes displaying your enjoyment as you swallow. He sighs blissfully, the simple micro-expression causing a wave of pleasure to roll over him. Though he still wishes you would thank him for what he’s done for you, he’s confident you’ll make it up to him once you give up your childish act of pretending to not be madly in love with him.
Ariel turns his head down to his food, finally beginning to eat the curry he picked out for himself. Ariel was typically a rice-with-curry kind of man, seeing as he found the whole ‘eating with your hands’ thing to be rather messy and unsanitary. However, he elected for naan this time as well, hoping that with this small gesture perhaps you would see how much effort he is willing to put in for you.
“Tomorrow, I’ll bring you breakfast from that American diner you like,” Ariel announces, trying to make his voice as gentle-sounding as possible to prevent from upsetting you.
“The one in Wales? It’ll be cold by the time you come back,” you respond automatically, before cursing yourself for not being able to prevent the words spilling from your lips. Damn Ariel for bringing your favorite curry from your favorite restaurant!
Ariel’s face lights up in glee. This is the longest sentence you’ve said to him since he kidnapped you! Not only that, it has nothing to do with you begging him to let you go or to see your family. His chest swells with pride that he came up with the idea to bring you your favorite food, and he makes a mental note to bring you more of your favorite things in the future.
“No silly,” he grins. “I know that one is your actual favorite, but you’re right, it would be cold by the time I come back. I was thinking of the one near your old job that you used to go to that’s similar.”
You give an imperceptible nod and continue to eat your curry. Ariel frowns, he got so excited hearing the sound of your beautiful voice speaking to him, and now you were back to giving him the silent treatment. He feels a pang in his heart and his self-esteem deflates; feeling inadequate at the idea of not being able to cater to every wish and desire that you could ever ask for. He speaks quickly, hoping to rectify his error and get another response from you.
“W-well,” Ariel starts, stuttering as his throat closes up. He didn’t want to ruin all of his progress with you simply because your favorite diner was too far away. “When you’re feeling better, we’ll drive over there, yeah?” He takes off the rubber glove of the hand closest to you, and moves his hand to touch your clothed thigh. His touch is barely perceptible, his fingers dancing along your leg in an effort to reassure you. You flinch, and Ariel removes his hand from your leg, sighing dejectedly.
You begin eating again, deigning to not respond to Ariel’s proposal. There’s no way in hell you’d willingly go anywhere with him, so you’ve resigned yourself to the possibility of being locked up in his basement forever. As you munch on your food in silence, Ariel looks down at his styrofoam plate of curry and naan intensely, as if it holds the key to how to get you to fall in love with him again. His face tightens in anger and frustration, not knowing what else he could do to stop you from being so stubborn. The anger quickly dissipates, knowing he can’t be upset with you for too long because of his love for you.
“Tell me what to do,” he demands, causing you to stop chewing mid-bite. He was still staring into the abyss of the charred bubbles on his naan, but he turns to face you with his next sentence. “Tell me what you want to make you happy. I’ll do anything.” There is a certain desperation in his voice, and it almost makes you feel bad that you’ve reduced him to such a pathetic state. At the end of the day though, it’s still Ariel, and his voice is as domineering and forceful as it always is.
“Anything?” you question. You want to know if he truly means it, or if this is simply frustration due to your lack of a response to his elaborate fantasy of going on a road trip to Wales.
Ariel’s face brightens in relief at the sound of your voice escaping from your lips. “Yes,” he responds immediately, desperate to hear you speak to him again. “Anything,” he repeats, though this time it has a darker undertone to it.
You suspect the answer will be no, but decide to hedge your bets on the possibility of a yes. Though Ariel has been exceptionally obsessed with trying to please you since he’s kidnapped you, everything he’s provided you with thus far has been based on estimations due to your relationship before this. He’s never asked you what you wanted, most likely because it would be an admission that he doesn’t always know what’s best for you, or that he doesn’t know you as well as he thinks he does. Perhaps this request was a breakthrough.
“I want to leave.”
“Except that,” he scolds, glaring at you as if you should know better than to ask him such a thing.
“Then don’t ask me what I want if you won’t actually give it to me!” you exclaim in frustration, your hands shooting up to flail above your head. Your sudden movement causes your container of curry to wobble over your outstretched legs, but you quickly bring your hands down to steady it and prevent it from splattering over the floor. This curry was a brief taste of the outside world since you’ve been stuck here; you refused to let it go to waste.
Ariel’s face scrunches up. His mind races as he frantically tries to prevent you from getting more upset with him. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” he apologizes sincerely. “I’ll give you anything you want except that.”
You groan in disappointment and let your head fall against the mattress behind you. Your eyes close tightly; you were really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. His question gave you the briefest glimmer of hope of finally escaping and it was snatched away in an instant. Your eyes start to well up with tears, helplessly not knowing what else you could do in this situation.
Ariel sighs sadly at the sight of you, knowing that he was the cause of your current state. You were so happy just minutes ago, he should have not said anything more after you finally spoke to him. He just couldn’t help himself, he was so desperately in love with you and your response was a drop of water reaching his lips after struggling through a desert. He should’ve accepted it and moved on; where one drop of water appeared meant that there were more to be found nearby. Now he feels like he’s been trapped in a sandstorm and carried all of the way back to his original starting point.
The two of you stay like this for a few more moments. Ariel’s mind is screaming at him, wishing he could force you to see that he is doing all of this because he loves you, and the thought of you seeing him as an uncaring monster pains him deeply. You sit there in silence. After a little while longer, Ariel knows that this disagreement has most likely put you off your food, so he closes his take-out container and puts it back in the plastic bag. He slowly and gently removes your take-out container from its place on your thighs, hoping that if he refrains from sudden movements he won’t upset you further. Ariel puts yours on top of his in the bag, and then ties the handles into a bow and stands up from his seated position. He brushes the back of his trousers, hoping to stall for a while longer in hopes of you saying something. He looks down at you again, disappointed that you are still choosing to ignore him.
“I’ll be back in a few,” he tells you, sounding like a puppy that was just kicked by its owner. His tone causes your eyebrows to furrow angrily. How dare he speak like that as if this is your fault?
Ariel waits a few seconds for a response to his statement, but turns around once he realizes he will get no such thing from you. He walks back up the stairs and into his kitchen, setting the bag of take-out on the kitchen counter with a disappointing flop. He washes his hands in the kitchen sink, looking around his empty home. His place was filled with comfortable furniture, as well as various photos and trinkets, most of which he collected from the apartment you used to live in as an attempt to make you feel more comfortable. There were only a couple boxes left of your things that he still had to unpack, but they were mostly filled with your clothing. Ariel hadn’t unpacked them yet because he was still sorting through them; he was only intent on keeping things he bought for you or things that you bought specifically to impress him. His home didn’t feel cold and empty due to a lack of material items, but rather due to a lack of you. He blissfully daydreams about past memories; the two of you cuddling on his couch watching movies, him fucking you on his countertops after cooking and eating dinner together, and waking up next your sleeping form every morning. He smiles to himself while shaking the excess water off his hands and drying them with a kitchen towel. Ariel feels invigorated in knowing that—despite your current reluctance—the two of you will return to such things soon enough, he just has to be patient.
You sigh in relief once Ariel goes back upstairs, enjoying the comforting presence of your own solitude. You wish the two of you could go back to how it was before, though you’re not sure that you would want to after all of this. Pre-kidnapping you loved him so dearly, despite his clear abandonment issues and possessive tendencies. At the time, you didn’t think much of it—if anything you relished in it. You had always been fiercely independent, and as such you felt a constant pressure to be strong and not show your weaknesses. Deep down all you ever wanted was for someone to tell you that you didn’t have to be strong all the time; that it was okay to let your guard down and just relax sometimes. When you met Ariel you felt like all your wishes were granted, as you saw his constant desire to be near you a small price to pay for what you received in return. Now all you can do is feel regret.
Ariel places the bag of leftovers in the fridge, right next to the cheesecake you had made him for his birthday. Your cheesecake was one of the only birthday presents he’s ever received in his entire life, and you went through the effort to make it yourself, just for him. There were still a few slices remaining since Ariel was trying to stretch it out for as long as possible, knowing it might be a while before you made him another one. He briefly considers having a slice of it now, as he tended to indulge in it whenever you were being particularly difficult. It was a way for him to remind himself of the love you clearly had for him, a reminder he so desperately needed after the past few weeks.
Instead, he decides to take out your favorite juice and pour it into a plastic cup, knowing you hadn’t had anything to drink since before he left to get food for you. He pours himself a glass of water and downs it quickly, tossing the glass in the sink once he is finished. Then he picks up your filled cup from the counter, breathing in deeply before opening the door to the basement again.
You let out a sharp exhale of air after hearing the basement door swing open and his footsteps coming towards you again. Why couldn’t he just leave you alone? You see him holding a plastic yellow cup and roll your eyes. On any other day perhaps you would’ve yelled at him and tossed it in his face, but if your earlier conversation was anything to go by, you were tired of this entire situation and all you wanted was to go back to sleep and pretend like nothing was happening. You take the cup from him silently, taking a few sips and then setting the cup down next to you. You expect him to leave at this point but he doesn’t. Instead, he looks down at you expectantly.
“…What?” you finally spit out after a few moments of silence. You didn’t want to acknowledge him at all. In fact, you wanted him to leave as soon as possible. Unfortunately, you knew Ariel well enough to know when he wanted something from you. You start praying he’ll tell you whatever it is soon, so that you can go back to pretending like he doesn’t exist.
Ariel’s mouth turns upward, extremely pleased at you initiating a conversation with him. Seeing as you’re still sitting on the floor against the bed, he decides to plop down next to you again. He’s significantly closer this time though, so that your thighs are brushing against each other. He wraps his arms around your waist, slowly pulling you closer to him and breathing you in. You try to pull away from him, but unfortunately your strength is no match for his desperation. “I love you,” he mumbles into your neck as if it will somehow soothe you. “I just want us to be happy together.”
“We were happy, Ariel! I was happy, and then you kidnapped me!” you yell.
Ariel rests his head on your shoulder as he brings one of his hand up to your neck, fiddling with the collar of your shirt. “I’m just trying to protect you,” he explains. “There are a lot of people who want to take you from me.”
“Oh my god, you’re insane,” you groan, bringing your hands to cover your face. You attempt to reason with him. “Ariel, please just… let me go. We can go back to how things used to be, I’ll forget this ever happened. We can still be together, I promise,” you plead.
“I can’t, you’ll try to run from me again.” He sighs, before chuckling. “Though I don’t know why you bother, both of us know there’s nowhere you can go where I won’t find you.” Ariel presses a kiss to your neck, intent on it being just the one, but he has never been able to resist you. He continues kissing your skin; his arousal growing as he recalls all the previous times he would do this and you would become putty in his hands.
“E-exactly!” you say quickly, trying to shove out the same memories from your own mind. Though you were disgusted at him for touching you right now, there was another part of you that was reacting on muscle memory. Your cheeks start to go a light shade of pink, and you swear you can feel your heart skipping a few beats. “Why bother kidnapping me when you always know where I am anyways?” You start internally screaming at yourself, hoping if you can do so loud enough you can prevent your inappropriate thoughts from coming to the surface.
He pauses his kisses to respond, allowing his lips to brush against your collarbone as he speaks. “Because it’s not enough,” he tells you, his grip around your waist tightening. “You should be within arms reach at all times.”
His response triggers something within you that causes tears to start falling across your face. Maybe it was the fact that you can’t seem to be able to reason with him anymore, or the realization that there’s no escape from him. You sob quietly, and Ariel shifts his body to start rubbing soothing circles into your back. You don’t even have the energy to be disgusted anymore. Your torso falls against his, and you sob into his shoulder in surrender.
“It’s okay,” he whispers, trying to comfort you despite his internal elation at you pressed against him willingly. “I’ll take such good care of you.”
You continue crying, wishing you were able to comprehend how someone could be so mentally screwed that they perceive this situation as a positive one. You want nothing more than to go to sleep—to forget how fucked your situation is—but unluckily you were wide awake with the realization that the sweet and caring boyfriend you once had was an absolute psychopath, and you’ve fallen far too deep into his grasp for any hope of escape. You briefly wonder what the breaking point was for him to decide to kidnap you, and the memory of his birthday from a few weeks ago briefly flashes across your mind. He was practically bouncing up and down at the cheesecake you had made for him that day. At the time you just thought Ariel was grateful you made him something with your own hands, but now you wonder if your gift unlocked something darker within him.
Little do you know, it did. Ariel already had uncontrollable thoughts when it came to you, his casual possessiveness was merely a contained form of his deep desire to own every part of you. However, when you gave him that cheesecake, something clicked. No one had ever given him a present before, much less make one. He vividly remembers the look on your face when you gave it to him, an excited-yet-nervous expression hoping that he would enjoy it after all of the time you spent on it. When he saw you like that—so desperate for his approval and so in love with him—he knew he could never let you go.
With your nose pressed against Ariel’s shoulder, you involuntarily smell his familiar scent. Before all of this, the smell of him always brought you comfort. You were able to get through so many tiring days because of him; excited at the prospect of being able to fall into his comfortable embrace upon return. Over the past few days the smell of him disgusted you more and more, as if his cologne was tainted with the stink of the betrayal of your trust. In this moment, however, that stink is nowhere to be found.
Your tired mind needs that familiar comfort so desperately that it conjures up the possibility of surrendering to him. If you weren’t so exhausted and upset, maybe it would be easier to deny that nagging feeling. But as your tears flowed freely, so too did the thought of continuing to resist it.
“You said you’d give me anything I want, right?” you ask hesitantly, your question muffled against his thick sweater and your pooling tears.
“Of course, babe,” he responds, laying his head on top of yours and pulling you further into his lap. Your legs were a tangled mess resting above his, so he removes a hand from your back to adjust them so you are straddling him. He contentedly smiles at your compliance, enjoying the familiar feeling of this position as he brings his hand to your back again.
You sobs begin to slow down as you internally war with yourself. You want to go back to how things were when Ariel was your mostly-normal boyfriend. It’s too late for that, but perhaps you can forget for a short while. You mentally curse yourself for your thoughts, knowing that even though this want was born out of a need for mental protection, it was opening a potentiality for your full cooperation with him. You didn’t want to do that, but if this was what your life was going to be, you felt you deserved to at least have some say; some semblance of control. If you could never truly escape him, perhaps it would be enough for you to be able to live with yourself.
“I want you to fuck me,” you let out, feeling relief wash over you. You still felt dirty and ashamed, but at least something would be on your terms now. You were briefly grateful in the knowledge that Ariel was a spectacular lover, as your desire to forget about everything would definitely be achieved with his incessant need to pleasure you until your breaking point.
Ariel grins widely, his nerves electrifying with excitement at your statement. Today had been a rollercoaster with you. One moment he was hoping for the smallest word from you, and now here you were asking him to have sex. He puts his hands on your shoulders and pulls you slightly away from him so he can look at your face, wanting to make sure he heard you correctly.
“Really?” he asks, failing to hide the pure euphoria in his voice. You bite your lip at the feeling of his length rapidly hardening beneath you, but nod your head quickly in response. It’s barely been a few seconds, and already you feel yourself excited at the opportunity to forget how absolutely horrible everything is for a while.
Ariel’s smile widens further. He practically laughs, positively elated at the unexpected outcome of today. He removes a hand from his back to push down against the concrete floor, readjusting his body so that he is sitting up straighter. As he does so, you smash your lips against his desperately, not wanting to wait any longer for the promise of forgetting. Unaware of your motives, Ariel chuckles into your kiss and tugs your neck harshly towards him; pressing your hips against his with his other hand. He wants you to feel how hard he is, as if it would demonstrate how completely you affect him.
The seam of his jeans rubs against your covered slit and it causes you to whimper, allowing Ariel to quickly slip his tongue into your mouth. He practically groans into you, the familiar feeling of his tongue exploring your mouth causing an overwhelming wave of relief to wash over him. The past few days have been absolute torture for Ariel. The last time he went without your touch for so long was back when he was doing research and just observing you, prior to your first date. He pulls your face closer to him, desperate for you to be as close as humanly possible to him. His hips involuntarily buck between your open legs, unable to control himself at the thought of being inside of you again. You moan again, and his fingertips dig into your skull as he tries to smash you against him. This was the part you loved most of all when having sex with Ariel, it always felt like he could never get enough of you and was constantly desperate for more.
You feel the large hand around your waist begin to fiddle with the band of your sweatpants, his thumb slipping through as his remaining fingers tightened around your hip bone. His nails dug into your skin, trying to get a tighter grip on your waist so that he could continue moving your hips along his length without moving his other hand from your head. His thumb roams around your smooth skin purposefully, searching for the elastic band of your underwear. He tugs on it harshly to provide you with more friction.
All thoughts about your kidnapping had completely left your mind at this point, despite the two of you still being on the floor of your concrete prison. All you could think about was Ariel and his obsessive desire to please you, and you were so caught up in it that you wanted to please him too. You bring one of your hands to his hair, tangling your fingers and tugging on them lightly to show him your appreciation, as was customary for the two of you. He quietly groans at the act and a deep chuckle reveberates through his body in satisfaction. Your other hand rests on his shoulder for support, despite Ariel doing most of the work for you right now.
Ariel moves the hand from your neck to your waist, seeing as you are plenty capable of maintaining the closeness of your passionate kisses. His thumb rubs small, gentle circles into the skin of your waist, before snaking his hand up your shirt to your clothed breast. He squeezes it, enjoying the weight of it in his hand. His thumb passes over your clothed nipple a few times, causing it to harden. You moan into Ariel’s mouth, and his fingers move away from your breast to the clasp of your bra. He unhooks it expertly, before moving his hand back to your breast to play with it again, this time underneath your loosened bra. The warmth of his hand in contrast to your cold skin shocks you, but it causes you to lean into him further, wanting nothing more than to melt into him and have your bodies be indistinguishable from one another. Ariel continues fondling your breast and nipple, tugging on it harshly every now and then.
You reluctantly remove your mouth from his, gasping for breath as the two of you had been making out without pause for ages. Ariel reluctantly opens his eyes once you do so, smirking at the sight of your disheveled state and swollen lips. He moves his hand to your neglected breast, and you inhale sharply due to the sudden attention being applied to it. Ariel shifts forward to bring his face closer to yours, causing his cock to rub against your mound again. By this point you were positively soaked, and Ariel was well aware of that.
The hand on your breast moves to your waist, trailing down to grab your butt cheek harshly as he pulls you closer. His other hand—still on your waist—moves to continue his ministrations on your breast, effectively switching the placement of his hands. The hand on your ass squeezes hard, and you understand this to be a silent demand to hold on, so you wrap your hands around his neck as he stands. He tosses you on the bed somewhat forcefully which causes the rusty frame to creak again. Ariel smirks seductively at your laying form before removing his sweater in one swift movement, leaving him shirtless. His hands move to his belt to unbuckle his trousers, and as you look down to follow them you see a rather large wet spot between his legs. You blush shyly, looking down to your sweatpants and seeing a similarly shaped spot there as well. Ariel chuckles at your embarrassment as he removes his belt and throws it on the ground. He then crawls on top of you with just his boxers on.
He rests his body weight against you, pressing his length into you harshly. You moan louder this time, the lack of obstruction from his thick jeans allowing you to feel so much more of him despite your sweatpants still being on. His forearm moves to the side of your head as he leans his upper body weight against it, and he presses his lips against yours for the second time today. His other hand moves to the bottom of your shirt and tugs it upward; impatient to see more of you. He separates his mouth from yours and looks down at you intensely as he pulls your shirt further up. You lift your back off the mattress and raise your arms, allowing him to pull your shirt completely off you. You fall back on the mattress and you swear you can see his patience thinning as more of you is revealed to him. Ariel tears your loose bra off and throws it as though it offended him, admiring you intently after having not seen this much of your skin in so long.
Ariel trails his hands slowly along the expanses of skin he just uncovered. He shivers at the feeling of your soft skin underneath his fingertips and briefly considers keeping you naked at all times so he never has to go without it. He bends back over you to bring his mouth to one of your breasts, sucking it harshly as the other is attended to by his hand. Your soft moans and whimpers are music to Ariel’s ears as he uses his free hand to violently tug your sweatpants down. You raise your hips off the mattress to help him, allowing him to pull them past your knees. He moves his mouth away from your breast to yank them completely off your legs, before staring down at your clothed mound as he sits on his ankles. His eyes widen in glee, the only thing separating him from being inside you is a flimsy piece of fabric that does little to hide your arousal.
He brings both of his hands to your waist, his tongue darting out to lick his lips in anticipation. He slips them both underneath the band of your underwear, pulling it away from you, leaving you completely bare before him. He looks back up to your face, wishing he could keep you in this position for the rest of his life. He delicately brings one of his hands to your uncovered slit, gently allowing his index finger to caress it. He smiles as your eyebrows furrow slightly, proud that his light touch can cause such a reaction. Once he gathers more of your wetness on his finger, he pushes it inside of you, gazing at you as your mouth opens in pleasure. He pumps his finger in and out of you slowly, enjoying the reactions he is able to extract from you. Ariel brings his free hand to rest next to your head, pushing another finger inside of you as he leans down to capture your lips with his own.
You bring your hands up to the base of Ariel’s neck, pulling him down as he kisses you. You moan into his mouth while he fingers you, which only encourages him to move his fingers faster and harder. Overcome with the need to feel more of him, your legs widen on instinct, allowing him to reach deeper into your walls. Wanting to hear your moans more clearly, Ariel moves his mouth to your neck, pressing open-mouth kisses and lightly biting you intermittently.
As your climax approaches, you feel a sudden pang of guilt at the thought of you cumming all over your kidnapper’s fingers. Your face scrunches in disappointment, and you begin attempting to prevent yourself from doing so. You fear it will only encourage his delusion that you want to be chained to him forever. Ariel mistakes this hesitancy for the assumption that you expect him to deny your orgasm, so he speaks.
“Just let go for me love, you can cum,” he whispers reassuringly in your ear as he kisses your neck. He curls his fingers inside of you and rubs circles in your clit with his thumb a few more times in an attempt to force your orgasm forward. It works, and your previous feeling of guilt is washed away by the comforting aura of bliss. Ariel delights in the sight of you like this beneath him, knowing that no other person on the planet could possibly make you feel as good as he does.
Ariel removes his fingers from you, using his other hand to pull his boxers off one leg at a time. Once you open your eyes he brings his soaked hand to your swollen bottom lip and taps his fingertips lightly against it. The two of you share intense eye contact as you open your mouth and he pushes them inside, darting his eyes away from yours to watch as you lick his fingers clean. His chest heaves as he watches you, the simple act making his stomach churn with excitement. He slowly removes his fingers from your mouth, using that hand to pump his cock a few times before lining it up with your entrance. He buries his face into your neck, biting it harshly to prevent himself from cumming at the euphoric feeling of you stretching around him.
You whine, still sensitive from your recent orgasm. Your legs attempt to close as he enters you, which causes Ariel to roughly grab one of your thighs and press it against your torso, keeping your legs open for him. You gasp for air, struggling to accommodate his size as he pushes further into you. This was Ariel’s favorite part of having sex with you, as it never failed to inflate his ego. No matter how well he prepped you beforehand, it always took some time for you to adjust. Unfortunately it was always a struggle for him as well, as your tight clenching when he entered you always made him want to cum right then and there. Sometimes he did, but this time he had to control himself. Ariel hopes that if he pleasures you well enough tonight it will change things between the two of you.
Once Ariel is fully inside of you, he leans up to kiss your jaw, giving you a minute or two to adjust before he moves. “You always take me so well,” he praises, muttering little ‘I love you’s’ in-between his kisses. Ariel opens his eyes after a few seconds, frowning in annoyance that neither of your hands are touching him. He allows you some leeway on one of your arms, seeing as it’s currently trapped on the other side of your leg that he is still pressing into you. As he lays against you he uses his other arm to grab for your free one, bringing it to the back of his head and encouraging you to tangle your fingers in his hair. Once you do so he begins thrusting in and out of you slowly, wanting to feel as much of you as humanly possible.
Ariel watches your face closely, seeing you shift quickly between pleasure and confusion—though he’s not sure what’s so confusing about him making love to you. Typically he’s a lot rougher with you, but he wanted to go slow this time, seeing as it’s your first time in a while. Not wanting to leave you without a second orgasm, he reluctantly asks, “Do you want me to go faster?”
“Y-yes,” you let out. Though you were still enjoying it, slow, passionate love-making was the last thing you wanted right now. You wanted Ariel to break you into tiny little pieces until you forgot your own name, forgot him taking you away, forgot this basement that he refused to let you out of until he was sure you wouldn’t try to escape. “I told you to fuck me, didn’t I?” you snap at him.
At this, Ariel wraps his hand around your throat, squeezing it lightly. Your narrowed, challenging eyes completely shift into docile submission as you start gasping. Ariel leans down closer to your face, picking up his pace and giving you exactly what you asked for. Moans escape between your desperate breaths, and Ariel’s previous look of adoration and reverence for you is nowhere to be found. Instead, it is replaced with something far more sinister and angry.
“I told you I’d give you anything you want,” he sighs in disappointment as he squeezes your throat tighter. “But don’t forget that I’m still the one in charge here,” he seethes proudly into your ear. “Now apologize for your poor manners like the good girl we both know you are, and maybe I’ll let you cum again.”
“P-please,” you manage out, your hand moving to your neck to try to pry his fingers off you. Ariel refuses, moving the hand previously holding your leg down to your neck as well, harshly pulling your hand away and forcing it down against the mattress. Despite this, he eases the pressure on your neck slightly, allowing you to speak a bit better. “I’m-I’m sorry Ariel,” you gasp. Ariel smiles, pleased with your compliance. He kisses you between moans, moving his hand away from your throat and to your other hand, pushing both of them deeper into the mattress as he continues his sharp thrusts.
“Good,” he praises. “Much better.” He moves one of his hands away from yours, lowering it to your breasts to pinch and pull at your nipples. He alternates between them, pleased at the additional moans coming from you as a result. “Your tits are always so soft,” he tells you, blissfully enjoying the feeling of them in his hand again. “Maybe I should just leave you like this and fuck these instead,” he threatens.
You whine at Ariel’s proposal, feeling your orgasm approaching and not wanting it to be denied to you. “Please don’t,” you whimper, struggling to speak as pleasure overwhelms your senses. Seeing you like this, Ariel’s eyes brighten in realization at the opportunity before him. Normally he wouldn’t stoop so low—well, he would, but he always wanted your love for him to be real—but he hasn’t heard his favorite words from your lips in so long. Surely it would do nothing but bring you closer to his loving embrace?
“Tell me you still love me,” he whispers harshly, “and I’ll let you cum.” His voice is somewhere between a desperate plea and a threat, and with your lack of surety on that you decide to open your eyes and look at him.
Your heart tightens, seeing the man you originally fell in love with in front of you. Of course you still loved him. Despite his insane actions, your love was not so easily dismissed and you couldn’t deny that, no matter how much you wish you didn’t love him anymore. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad? Maybe the man you loved was still in there, and you just needed to bring him out?
You war with yourself, but ultimately decide that you already knew there was no escaping him. If you were going to be stuck with him for the rest of your life anyways, it was better to be in a prison of your opposing feelings instead of a literal prison.
“I still love you, Ariel,” you tell him gently, your voice surprisingly level for someone who’s currently getting railed. Ariel smiles lovingly at you, bringing one of his hands to your face to stroke your cheek. The same hand then moves down to between your legs to rub harsh circles against your clit, and you feel Ariel spill into you shortly after your orgasm overtakes you. He stays buried inside of you, letting his arms fall to his sides as he rests his head on your chest.
“I knew it,” he pants against your skin. “I knew you still loved me, you had to.” As you feel him smile against your sweaty skin, and your high slowly dies down, you start feeling the same wave of guilt pass over you again. Did you still love him? Or did you just say you did because you wanted your release? You weren’t entirely sure, but it’s not like you were going anywhere, so you had plenty of time to think it over later. Ariel hugs you as he lays on top of you, repeating the last few moments in his mind over and over again.
Maybe Ariel would get another cheesecake sooner than he expected.
#ariel conroy x reader#ariel conroy imagine#ariel conroy fanfiction#ariel conroy x reader smut#ariel conroy fic#x reader#x reader fanfiction#x reader fic#ymata fanfiction#ymata imagine#you me and the apocalypse fic#you me and the apocalypse fanfiction
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hi!! (if you feel uncomfortable about this request, you don't have to do it 🥺)
if possible, can you do yuuta x reader where the reader has an ed (and is already a bit underweight), but they start developing it even more bcs they want to become/are a model, and reader doesn't want to stop doing it since they don't feel good/skinny enough to be a model
like a comfort oneshot where yuuta confronts them about the ed and reader's self hatred (he doesn't know about that, they always act confident) (angst with a bit of fluff in the end)
sorry if this is too long and for my bad english 🥺💕
warnings: angst, reader with ed, underweight
This is my first time writing Yuta 😐
"Yuta... Do you think I look good?"
"Huh? What are you talking about? You look nice."
You looked at yourself in the mirror again.
"You think so? Don't you think I should weigh less? I don't think I look perfect for a model..." You mumbled sadly, stroking your body. From waist to hips.
Suddenly, the boy grabbed your hand and, with obvious concern in his dark eyes, began to speak.
"Weigh less?" he asked calmly. "You're eating far too little. Your weight does not match what you should weigh for your height. Please, start eating a little more. You'll feel a little better right now." He said, stroking your skin on his hands.
"But Yuta, you know I'd like to be a model... And for that I need a nice body. No. I need to be thin enough to be accepted."
"They should accept you as you are. You look beautiful no matter what. Please, you'll really feel better. Just give yourself a little break."
You could see genuine concern in his eyes.
It was true that you had headaches and you didn't feel up to it for a while. But nothing ever happened. You'd like to get rid of it, but it's important for you to go to the casting and suddenly find out that you have the perfect predisposition to become a model.
You turned away from him to look in the mirror. You lifted your shirt up, looking at your belly and the clear line of ribs that are starting to show under the skin.
What was important to you was that you were starting to have something that was required of you to be a model.
Flat belly, pretty face, slim legs, no blemish on the skin.
You look nice already, you don't understand why Yuta makes you eat more. You do not want. You don't feel like eating. You just don't want to put anything in your mouth.
And thanks to that, you'll be able to maintain that look. Maybe you'll finally get in and become the person you've always dreamed of being...
"Yuta!" you entered the house, or rather ran in.
You knew he was home. Basically, he was always home. It doesn't bind when, no matter what happened. He didn't go out with friends often. He is the homebody type. That's why you could go inside right away and tell him what happened.
"What is? What's going on?" He asked hastily as he left one of the rooms looking at you.
You threw your arms around his neck and kissed him as hard as you could.
"Guess what happened!" you shouted smiling very hard.
Holding his neck, and just waiting a few seconds for you to tell him.
"I got in! I'll be the model for the new show!" You screamed happily as you felt him hug you.
"Really? That's great! You've been dreaming about it for so long!" he said, sharing your happiness.
He hugged you and lifted you up, twirling around with you in his arms.
"What did they say? I said you looked beautiful and they would take you in!"
"Since that conversation, I've lost a few more pounds and they told me I looked good enough to show off my new outfits." You answered him by placing your hands on his cheeks.
Suddenly you didn't feel like smiling anymore. But you kept smiling. You looked good according to the judge. They chose you. Everything is as you dreamed.
I guess...
You looked at the smiling Yuta who was already thinking about rewarding you.
"We have to celebrate it!"
The delicious food was on the table. Yuta and the others ate everything, tasting each dish in turn. They hummed to the flavors, ate, they never got tired of it.
And you finally realized that the juror's words weren't so kind...
They told you that you looked good enough to model for them.
But they didn't tell you that you were perfect. They didn't say that your body is perfect for all the conditions, and that you're a perfect fit for the clothes you'll have to show off. After all, as their model, your body will be exposed to people, as will your face. It was important to you because eventually someone would think you were pretty, and you can show yourself how you want and to whom you want. Because you became a model and others will only admire designer clothes, they will take pictures of you in different places and poses, and they will also look at your figure.
Looking at the plate of food in front of you and the fork in your hand, you wanted to vomit.
You quickly put your fork on the table and grabbed your glass of water, drinking it all until your stomach ached from the amount.
You quickly went to the bathroom, holding back the tears in your eyes.
You look good enough... You don't look perfect for this job...
You don't want to look pretty and that's it. You want to make your dream come true and look nice to earn money on it. You like putting on new clothes, trying them on, then you also like taking photos. You have a lot of your photos, new creations, styles you put on. Everything for the passion you love.
And when you finally got the chance to start the life you wanted, a few words had to ruin it.
You look good enough...
You looked at yourself in the mirror, wondering what was wrong with you. You saw that you have a slim and skinny body. You're fit to be a model.
Want to be even slimmer? Is that what they're about?
Maybe your figure has too much somewhere?
You can lose a few more pounds. It won't bother you. If that's what makes you feel better...
You start to hate yourself for who you are... You never look perfect... You're never good enough.
If you change your appearance for the worse now, there's no chance you'll look at yourself in the mirror again. You'll hate yourself if you miss the one chance you've got now.
Kneeling in front of the toilet, you stuck your fingers down your throat to vomit.
You feel heavy with what you ate. You feel bad just thinking about having it in your mouth. You want to get rid of it.
You felt so nauseous. You would throw up sooner or later.
And you don't want to look at the food...
You don't feel like you're hungry again.
You just want to go back to your room and go to sleep. Or get some exercise to start your routine tomorrow. You have two months until the show and three attempts to find the right clothes for you.
You don't want to look good enough, you want to fit very well. You want to be a model because your body suits it. You want to look so that everyone is happy.
"Hey, (y/n), you look unwell..."
You looked back to meet your boyfriend's eyes.
"I'm fine, thank you for caring." You gave him a smile.
He always looked so innocent and sweet. He was smiling, making you feel better in every possible way. Just seeing him next to you made you want to smile. Life with him was just nice. He cared about you so much, enjoyed the little things, did everything for you.
But you can still see him starting to change. He keeps insisting on something that might be bad for you. He knows you have to be skinny to not get fired. But he still tries to force food into your mouth. Something that, according to every model who has been working in this profession for several years, should never appear in your mouth.
You're not sure if he really wants what's best for you.
"Did you eat breakfast?" He asked, biting the wafer.
"I don't want to eat anything."
"But you're getting thinner."
"Just a little. I had to dry off." You told him, fixing your hair before leaving for one last rehearsal before the show.
This job is a bit stressful. You are coping mentally, but your body is not coping well with this stress. Headaches, abdominal pain, dizziness, sudden weakness. All this is almost everyday.
You secretly hoped that everything would go well after your first show while working there.
"(y/n)... I know it's important to you... But I can't let you starve to death... You're eating less and less..."
"I don't feel I'm skinny enough... If I don't do anything, they'll replace me at the earliest opportunity..."
"But that doesn't mean you can always go without food and avoid meals. You pay too much attention to this job, and to your appearance. I know it's not my opinion, but to me you'd look beautiful no matter what... I'm sorry but the less you weigh, the more I feel like you look worse and worse..."
"At least you're honest with me... You must know that I'm not hungry at all. I know I don't look good enough. I feel ugly and you don't have to tell me that. I've got a week until the show, so at least I have to do something to look thin."
"Does that mean you're going to continue to torture yourself like this? You need to eat or you may have serious health problems... Do it for me, and start living normally..."
You placed your fingers on his cheeks, looking into his eyes with a sad expression.
"Let me do what I have to do, okay? In order to continue modeling after this show, I need to look my best. Yuta, I love you, but please don't interfere. Everything is fine. I'll just go there and do my thing."
"... We sleep in the same bed... We use the same bathroom... We live in the same house... And you think I don't see what it's led to? You think I can't see what your body looks like now? I know very well that you weigh much less than you should normally weigh... You're starting to not look like the same person anymore... Even though I love you for who you are, you're still beautiful to me... But don't change anything else. You'll hurt yourself if you continue this... You'll hurt me too..."
"I love you. Sorry, I have to go or I'll be late." You kissed him on the lips, hugging him lightly before leaving the house.
Sitting at the table, he thought only about everything he had seen for a month.
He saw your weight records on the bathroom scale. You weigh yourself every day. And as he reviewed each measurement, often your weight fluctuated. Less and less.
He knew that someday you would reach the extreme of your body.
He understood that when you were slightly underweight. That could change at any moment. It was not bad. You were still as beautiful as when he met you.
This has started to change, and very much so. After the next two months, you weigh even less, making you even more underweight. Making your body weaker and weaker. Your condition is even worse.
Your lack of appetite and lack of desire to eat must have had its roots in your psyche.
Yuta could blame was your dream to become a model.
Nothing else would push you to that extreme.
He could go with you to the doctor, he would help you like that.
You would eat normally. He didn't want to lose you. Not that way.
He wanted to hug you all the time, take you for walks by the hand. He didn't want you to suddenly disappear.
He wanted to date again. He wanted to go to restaurants with you, try some food. Even though you never ate much, it was always more than now. He wanted to spend time with you for breakfast, eat dinner with you normally.
He just wanted a normal life with you.
If you let him help you, he would do anything for you.
He wanted to show you who you are beautiful always. So that you don't feel bad in your body. He wanted your self-esteem to be so high that you would be proud of your body at all times.
He wanted you to be healthy. So that your body doesn't have to work in the extreme conditions it has to work in now.
All you have to do is let him help you...
"Open the door!"
You heard a pounding on the door which you locked as you entered the bathroom.
"(y/n)! What happened?!"
After a few more minutes you walked out to him, but you ignored his screams. You just wanted to go to bed and sleep. Forget.
Suddenly he grabbed your wrist, telling you to talk.
"They fired me..." You mumbled as tears ran down your face.
"Why?"
"They said I couldn't be their model... Because I didn't look good. They told me to go home and take care of myself..."
He looked at your tears and started wiping your cheeks.
He didn't want to say that the people there were right, but he had to say something.
"You are beautiful just the way you are. You will surely fulfill all your dreams. But first, take care of how you feel."
You started to cry harder as you realized he was confirming what they were saying.
Before you could leave, he grabbed you and hugged you, preventing you from escaping from him.
"I'm sorry but you're really too skinny... I don't want you to think I'm judging you for your looks, but it's all true... I'm sorry, but I can't let this continue to happen. I won't let you destroy yourself." He started to cry, putting his head on top of yours.
"What am I supposed to do now...? Yuta... What now... After all, I..."
"Shhhh... don't say anything. Everything will be fine. Trust me..." he murmured. " You will make your dreams come true, I promise. But first, let yourself be helped. I'll do everything for you. I will try my best. But let me help you... I want that (y/n) back. I want you to be healthy, to eat like a normal person. I want you not to worry so much. I want you to feel better. Not let you down. I promise I will help you with everything. I'll do everything for you. But just this once, listen to me. Let me take care of you. Let me make you healthy and happy..."
Grabbing his shirt, you cuddled up to him.
"Just think you're beautiful. Because that's how you are..."
#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen x you#yuta okkotsu#jjk okkotsu#okkotsu yuta x you#okkotsu x reader#okkotsu yuuta
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Hi!
So I've been reading more about fasting, and I was pretty much surprised that fasting is really healthy!
So, there's this cute japanese microbiologist called Yoshinori Ohsumi who discovered something spectaculrar: the function of Autophagy; whereby the cells kind of cleanse themselves, and degrade parts of themselves to serve as nutrient sources.
THATS'S NOT IT, he said that in order for that to happen, you have to fast for at least 12h AND apparently you have to fast from water too, not just food, otherwise the process won't be correct.
AND disrupted autophagy has been linked to Parkinson’s disease, type 2 diabetes and other disorders, also cancer.
Imma link the article to that here
I'm just really mind-blown rn
Hi!!
yes for the most part if u can fast it's super healthy for u as a yearly detox!! reading the article after my cell bio midterm rlly helped me understand this a lot more so ur timing is insanely perfect LOL.
ramadan is not a diet (unless u want it to be) there is a common misconception that we eat less when we fast. personally, in my family at least, the only one who loses weight (not much) during ramadan is me bc im rlly bad at eating when i first wake up so i dont eat as much for suhoor just drink water (i do this for regular morning breakfast too). the rest of my family maintains their weight/muscle mass bc they have the same calorie intake just spread apart more!! a lot of ramadan specific foods are high in fat and protein content bc they are so filling and keep ur energy up.
ramadan is a lot more than food tho so ill make a post about that soon if anyone wants!!
thank u so much for the article it was a very fun read!!🫶🏼🫶🏼
#sorry this was so late exams were stressin me out#i saw apoptosis and freaked like 'why r my exams haunting my inbox too😭😭'#asks#swaggypsyduck's ramadan
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overate today but knew it was gonna happen so i’m not as upset as i maybe would’ve been. i was moving around like all day doing stuff and i’m exhausted, and my fiancé has been getting on my case about how much i’ve been eating since lately i’ve been getting really dizzy/lightheaded fairly often. ate way over my limit but my exercise/movement for the day put me under my fake limit to keep my partner and my app happy.
ugh i just feel so frustrated. im 3lbs away from my next goal and i NEED to hit it before the end of the month and idek if that’s gonna be possible. august is gonna be a bad dating month bc of my birthday and also our friend’s birthday so we’re going to be eating a lot and doing fun things, so i don’t want to worry as much. i just need to get to this goal by the end of the month and then it will be easier to maintain/stay around that weight even when i overeat in august. we’re going out and doing stuff all day again tomorrow, but im hoping i’ll be able to stay under since we’ll be spending the day w my fiancés parents, and their mom is an INSANE almond mom so it should be easier to do better. i also took a small lax dose (the lowest dose according to the box) to hopefully lose some of this extra water weight before tomorrow.
we’re getting up and going out for breakfast early, and i’ve planned out exactly what im gonna eat (440 total) plus walking around a lot, and if we go out to eat i know most of the restaurants around the area were going and i’ll get a salad. it’s gonna be ok even if i end up going over a bit bc we’re having fun. i’m planning on taking a bigger lax dose after we get home, and i’ll be at home all day sunday working so i’ll probably omad or at the very least be able to stay under my 900 limit. also planning on a 24hr fast and not eating anything on monday, so that should help.
sorry for the novel, i’m trying my best to not just start crying about this since i more than likely maintained today (which is… disappointing but at least it’s not gaining) and today was busy but fun. just…oof
#notprojustusingthetags#tw ed sheeran#tw disordered eating#tw ed diet#tw ed rant#mealsp0#mealspo#mealspø
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tw: exact bmi/weight and a massive ed rant/vent under the cut
my bmi is 14.75 as of this morning. I'm 88.7lbs. I still need to lose more though. I thought I would feel more achieved/in control at this weight but I still see room for improvement. I mean I do feel good that I got this low because I spent years trying to break into the double digits, but now that I'm here I just can't help but want to push even further, as far as my body lets me go. The logical part of my brain knows I'm not gonna feel any different at 70lbs than I do now but I still just wanna see how far I can take this before something serious happens to me.
I mean I'm already having complications, my hair has been thinning a lot since like ten/fifteen pounds ago, I'm always cold, my nails (and sometimes my legs) turn purple a lot, I'm never fully comfortable even in bed because I'm so boney, I'm pretty sure I'm weaker than I was when I was a literal child, my teeth are a lot more sensitive and tend to ache, and I NEVER feel fully alert and awake. But it doesn't feel like enough because I still binge a lot. But I just maintain and dont gain bc even when I "binge" by my standards it almost never pushes my calories past my tdee. I just restrict until I "binge" and then restrict again, which has made it so basically I maintain for a while, drop a pound or two, and repeat. But it makes me feel like a fake anorexic because I still eat, and my weight loss has been VERY SLOW this year. And I don't wanna recover if I never get to feel sick enough first. But all I can think about is if I'm really sick enough to have something more major happen to me. I feel like my ed just doesn't matter unless it nearly kills me and I think I'm at a point where recovery just won't happen unless something really horribly life threatening happens to me. And idk. I just feel like real anorexics don't binge, or if they do they purge somehow, which I don't really. I mean I always restrict after a binge but not to a degree I wouldn't do anyways. and what kind of anorexic eats this regularly? god I fucking hate myself
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kind of positive entry i guess.
i think, even though weight loss has slowed down a bit, im genuinely so excited to get smaller and feel so much happier with my body. i love seeing that your chest shrinks soo much the smaller you are and godddd i want that sooo bad. i could probably get keyhole top surgery or somethiny similar where it wont even look like i have scars at all! maybe i could go without a binder and still pass. im so so excited for that!
i can finally feel like a cute small alternative guy i am snd wanna be. im short for a guy and my bf calls me tiny all the time but its not enough because i dont *feel* tiny. when i actually am i can wear my emo hoe clothes and still look really good, like in thigh highs, crop tops, muscle shirts. xl shirts will be super baggy on me and itll look even cuter bc im so small.
i wont have to suck in or anything to feel small or like i have a flat stomach itll just..be there. ive wanted that since i first was aware i had an ed in middle school and always felt like i never achieved it, even at my lower weights. its gonna be different this time.
i havent been walking much anymore because its so fucking hot outside and i depended on it so much bc i kinda struggled with soley restricting and losing from that. im doing so much better with that and that genuinely makes me so happy!
i go back and forth between hating myself but i know there are things to love about me and im not just a bad person. one of my biggest copes has always been to change my appearance to feel more comfortable in the body ill be living it. the past few years ive started to change it a bit less because i feel like im reaching my peak, and itll be so nice to finaaally not worry about my weight anymore, and even if my weight goes up and down a bit if its around 115 i can manage it, im already at my goal so i just gotta maintain it the best i can.
i can eat foods on my metabolism days or special events and not feel fat and greedy cause literally anyone could look at me and see im not. theyll probably be happy im eating more lol ill actually feel like its ok to have little treats and not just guilt for it.
no everything wont be perfect. i got a fucking eating disorder where ill be feeling weaker but a lot of people do and manage to cope and live with it, i just got to adapt and do my best. im hoping i can control it no matter how addicting it is to keep losing. going below 100 fucking terrifies me. i never want to be in the hospital again for my ed.
i know theyre happy and proud of me for gaining but ill just feel so miserable watching myself change like that. i just want to exist in a body i like as a small guy going about his life, someday being a tattoo artist and living my dreams, all of them, i want to be exactly how ive always wanted to be, i want to heal from past traumas and feel like a person again. even if i might be objectified sometimes at least ill actually feel hot so. i jus gotta make sure i got weapons n i should be ok. im always scared of creeps. i jus want to be small and cute and ok
what matters is that i will love myself, i will still live, i will still move, i will love others, and i will be me.
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[TW weight mentions. A lot. It's a whole thing.]
Hmm. Thinking abt my weight/feeding tube situation. It seems like getting The Right Amount of calories each day means I'll end up a bit overweight, as I'm still consistently gaining weight each week, and idk how to feel abt that tbh? I talked w my nutritionist and I'm going to reduce my feeds a bit for a while to figure out what amount maintains my weight, but?? I wanna be healthy, and does it really matter. should I just exercise and accept whatever weight my body wants to be.
idk I've never even been a normal weight, so this is taking a Lot of getting used to. I struggle to even put on my socks bc there's less Space to bring my legs close to my body gdjdgjsgd I can't imagine having even less space to bend. And I don't really wanna outgrow my clothes again, considering I bought some new stuff and have already outgrown some of it 😮💨
Also. I do have a Concern with potentially being overweight. My doctors believe me now, and as soon as I reach the one year anniversary of my tube we'll be looking into more of my health issues, but if I'm overweight I worry they'll tell me to lose weight first, and I Know I'm not gonna be able to do that, bc what. am I gonna diet? The few fruits I eat throughout the day?? Please
Realistically my doctor is very nice and Probably won't do that, considering he knows I've had my health issues long before any weight gain, but what abt the others? What abt the specialists I'll have to see? If somebody tells me to lose weight I'll probably bite their face off, bc I Worked Hard For This, Dammit!!
So idk. Much to think about... but for now I'll be experimenting to find out if weight maintenance would be at all reasonable, or if it'd be too unhealthy at this point, because depriving myself of many essential calories would be far more unhealthy than simply being a lil chubby
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My experience with semaglutide:
i started taking it back in early September (I am not diabetic, but was prescribed it by my PCP because of my PCOS symptoms). As someone who has struggled with BED and binge/restrict cycles for the majority of my life, it was an absolute godsend. i don’t know how to explain it other than it finally quieted all the food noise that is constantly going on in my head. i’m now just never really hungry and never really even think about food and that’s crazy for me because every minute of every day for as long as i can remember i was only ever thinking about food and weight and my body. the only side effect i really experienced was nausea every once in a while, but for the most part it has made my life so much better. the weight just melted off. it was like i would just wake up and suddenly my clothes were falling off of me. i’ve struggled with my weight my whole life because of PCOS and other hormonal imbalances and my weight hasn’t been this low since i was in elementary school. and it was effortless. i didn’t need to change anything about my lifestyle. i ate exactly what i was eating before (i was always a healthy eater when it came to my meals, it was just the binges that were usually unhealthy, processed foods) except i didn’t binge. not once. i have no desire to. i’m genuinely always full it’s crazy. i forget to eat more often than not and when i do eat, it takes me so long to do it that im actually enjoying all of the food i eat and getting full before i can finish any meal. i’m truly savoring food and enjoying meals now. this is how i imagine life is like for those people who “forget to eat” or just naturally don’t really have an appetite. i’ve saved so much money on grocery shopping and eating out. my skin completely cleared up. i probably should have been exercising and would probably be a lot more toned, but other than that my body looks great. i’ve lost 45 lbs since i started and i plan on losing at least 10-20 lbs more (i haven’t taken it in about 3 weeks because i just had surgery and have been recovering, so i’ve just been maintaining for now, but will start again today). i know there’s a lot of controversy surrounding it, but as someone who’s been on it for six months, i can say that i’ve only had a positive experience with it and am so incredibly thankful for it. i’ve also stopped vaping, don’t drink alcohol as much as i used to and don’t really drink caffeine anymore, and that was all unintentional. i just didn’t want to do those things anymore. (my doctor says there’s actually research being done that shows it can help people with serious addictions). i would not be surprised if in the near future semaglutide is used to treat BED in tandem with therapy bc the way it just quiets the binge monster in the brain is unreal. i’m so privileged to have been able to have access to it and have had the results i’ve had. it has been nothing short of life saving for me.
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99.8 this morning before work. barely dragged myself out of bed. its crazy cold where i am rn so unfortunately i cant exercise like i usually do. i might go out anyway but idk. i have a metal ear piercing i cant take out and wind chill is so cold it risks frostbite in 30 minutes without that so its a bad idea. even still i wanna
i didnt do my shift drink bc calories. i had some apple juice cause my head was spinning from blood sugar issues. im not sure what number to settle on for restricting. probably the 1200 range. my tdee is 1400 without any exercise or including work and i exercise a whole lot usually. higher restriction works better but it makes me feel like im not a "real" anorexic. as if thats even a thing or something to aspire for but alas. at 85 pounds my tdee would be around 1300 without exercise.
i wanna maintain the weight so im going to do the high restriction route because my body will be more able to maintain it. as much as i wish i could physically maintain 500 a day forever its just not possible with the sheer amount i exercise. before just now i was eating around 2100 a day and maintaining an underweight body because i exercise so damn much. i didnt really eat more because of it but when im restricting to lower then i do end up very hungry and needing to eat to be able to exercise.
well. its fine. i will start with 1200-1400 for now and keep that going till i see results or its been too long. trying 500-900 never got me where i wanted and i always had better results with high res. ive was doing this since i was 13. whatever extra time it takes for me to get there with high res is nothing compared to the 5 years. its only 15 pounds anyway.
i wish i could go a lower weight but its dangerous to go lower
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hey guys!!! Just wanna say that even if I've been active a lot and post or reblog other stuff it doenst mean I ahvent been working on chap 2 ! I've been busy for a awhile and I really want to write for Chao 2 and finish it but I've been having things in my mind lately and it's really just my mental health taking a toll on me, I've been trying to go off from using my phone a lot bc I rlly want to become more healthier in the way I eat and work out ^^ you may not know but I'm actually plus size and I'm on the shorter side of the height scale and I've been on and off trying to lose weight for awhile now and I've been maintaining my weight it's jsut I haven't been putting off it, and yes I have a little bit of a tummy and i knwo some people might day that every body is beautiful whether big or small they all are absolutely stunning and I do know that I pmly am really looking out for my health because ofcourse im young and its something i value a lot. So thank you for being patient and i am open to suggestions for things I shld try to lose weight and overal becoming better <3
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I think i would be able to write that scene tbh but it would take a while bc i would want to write it perfectly! (Which is hard as english isn't my first language and i just started to learn spanish so my mind is like a mush) but i also would love to read it from anyone if they like the idea bc there are so many amazing writers here, and i know they'd do absolutely amazing with it!
Also this is very random, and if you don't want to talk about i get it! But somehow it was so nice to see that we have the same height & weight, i mean i was much heavier but i managed to go down to 108 kgs and i feel a little better about myself but i still want to lose a little more. My 'dream' weight would be 80 but i am so scared that if i lose it i will not know what to do with my skin after? Cause like i always see people lose such big weights but they never say what happened with their skin? Did it jumped back or what?
Hey @honeybearjongho
I love your username btw because Jongho needs more attention and I'm not sure why he doesn't get the hype he deserves and I think it might be because he's a lot less 'open' with his feelings like the other members are?
That's okay, I totally get the whole 'mind is mush' thing because that's me all the time with everything.
I'm glad we're the same height and weight too!
It feels very comforting.
TW: Mentions of weight, binge eating disorder and weight loss
I think because heaps of fics write 'plus-sized reader' but IMO, they're not really plus-sized.
Because 'plus-sized reader' and 'curvy reader' are very different IMO.
Like I'll read a Bang Chan fic where it's 'plus-sized reader' and yet Chan's hoodies are oversized on them which I know would NOT work in my mind.
Bang Chan mentioned in one of his Tiktok lives that he weighs under 70 kgs (which is SKINNY in my mind-that's so small considering we're both 5'7 and I'm like...30 kgs heavier than him).
So, his hoodies would probably be a crop top on me and yes, I totally think he could still pick me up and throw me like a rag doll.
I'm currently 105 kgs and so I know I'm heavier than any member of Ateez because I know people say Mingi is 'huge' but I'd be surprised if he weighs more than 85 kgs.
I was 80 kgs at the beginning of the year but this year has been stressful for me so I'm not 105 kgs due to depression, binge-eating and lack of motivation in working out.
I'm 5'7 and gain fat easily so it was hard to maintain and I noticed even at 80 kgs, I still 'looked' the same like none of my proportions had changed and even my clothes hung the same way on my body.
It depends on your age but I'm 25 and I didn't get any loose skin and so your collagen snaps back when you're in your 20s and 30s.
It's only if you lose weight rapidly and quickly that you'll get loose skin but if you lose it moderately and slowly, your skin should snap back easily.
It was lovely talking to you!!!!
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Probably should have had a bigger supper but I did a 30 minute ab workout on top of my almost hour long walk after work today so I feel really good about myself! Got mildly triggered cause I had an ex-friend/stalker of mine contact me again so I’ve been wanting to binge and smoke all day but I resisted temptation and instead am avoiding social media and scrolling on Pinterest and watching funny YouTube videos until I fall asleep ☺️✌️
I’m 149.6 before bed tonight though… I’m *really* hoping it will be less tomorrow, but sometimes I’ll wake up heavier or I just won’t lose as much as I used to (like a pound overnight) and bc I’ve never been this weight before I just don’t know the reason sometimes?? Obviously part of it is that I’ve been maintaining and been at a lower weight for so long that the things I used to do just don’t work for me anymore. Which is fair, it just means I need to challenge myself more.
P.S. - had this saved as a draft before I published it and my brother ordered takeout food so I ate some before bed, rip accurate scale weighing tomorrow morning lol 😔✌️ minimal regrets cause it was so delicious but apparently all I’m eating lately is chicken and rice 😂
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Suddenly I don’t wanna go to Pakistan anymore🤡
#i keep gaining weight and it wont go down and my mom was talking to one of my aunts on facetime and she literally said to me#lose some weight before u come youre beautiful rn but youll look better after#and like...i literally want to cry lol i thought maybe i could lose some weight during ramadan but since it started ive gained 2 pounds???#and im not even eating unhealthy like ill sneak a pakorah one day or a roll the other but literally just one#and then eat what i usually eat nothing extra#and then for sehri i literally just eat a normal bowl of oatmeal and yogurt#or an omlette#like im not eating crazy#the only time i lost a significant amount lf weight was when i did crossfit but thats too expensive#i have a treadmill and did cardio alot before ramadan and it just maintained my weight#i should work out during ramadan but i get so exhausted and w exams im just so tired#im the heaviest ive ever been like more than i was at my peak last year#i thought maybe i have a hormone issue and got tested for it and i get the result in like two weeks but im startung to think its not that#so that just means it really is juts me not doing enough#i just dont want to deal w my family telling me i need to lose weight like ppl there have no filter#and point out all of ur insecurities lol like im used to it w my parents but its different w extended family also bc#they kinda feel like strangers to me tbh bc i hardly knkw them🤷🏽♀️
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