#i need to get cat litter too
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hey all, i’ve got about 50 bucks left to last me till i get my first paycheck next friday, if you want to throw a couple bucks my way to help out itd mean a lot. <3
$ info here: https://linktr.ee/gumdropkitty
#ive got 3 morning shifts in a row coming up and i want to not feel physical pain spending the last of my money on coffee#and lunch#i need to get cat litter too#jambles
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So yeah I don't think I'm gonna manage ITNL update tonight. Too tired for writing brain. But I'm gonna keep working at it. Maybe tomorrow, if I'm lucky. If not then, then Monday.
The good news is I have Three days off next week (decadent!) So I'm gonna have more time for. Things.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#im also gonna try my best to unfuck my apartment#need to do my dishes and laundry and take out trash and clean up cat messes and change the litter#and if i can manage it im gonna try to mop the floors too#june bug's been sneezing so i wanna try to get rid of any potential allergens. since the fucking vet didnt help.#and. im gonna try to do the first step for adhd meds. on monday.#💪 big plans. we'll see how much i stick to lol#but wanting to make it so june bug stops sneezing is an important goal#if i do all my cleaning things and she doesnt get better i might just have to go back to the vet. lol.#anyways tags are basically entirely unrelated to fic things. i just wanted to ramble i guess
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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls#husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down '#and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that '#cant. because then i have more housework after that.#and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic#and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c#and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont '#and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes.#this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list#yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes#bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores#and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done#examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt.#he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it#bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it#like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me#he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him???#and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself#' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! '#i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont#and i have to power through and do it.#i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up.#i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to#do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room#guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! '#im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway.#if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway
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why cant i find a 14-lb bag of cat litter on this god forsaken website
#chatter#i already get izzies food auto-shipped and i need like. $8 more to qualify for free shipping so i thot i could but cat litter#but NO!!!!#the only options are like. 25+lb#and thats TOO MUCH#edit: i guess i could just get twice the food and autoship them once a month#instead of two weeks#ok i am no longer mad
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Making myself feel better about waking up earlier than usual lately especially on the weekends when I could be sleeping in by going to dunkin for a butter pecan iced coffee and breakfast (and a free lemon loaf today for later!)
#I went to dunkin like twice in 5 months and now I'm going a couple times a week#because they got the butter pecan syrup back lol#also I need this to get myself in the mindset to handle shopping today#because it's my mom's birthday Tuesday and father's day is this week too and I need to get more cat litter and food#but ew I don't want to go places with people#but it's too late to online shop and I still don't know what to get my mom#and my dad well nobody ever knows what to get him#this is a pointless post sorry
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UGH
The minimum spend for Coles and woolies delivery orders is $50. And the uber eats catalogue of iga items is missing some things that I KNOW they have in the shop.
I don't think I NEED $50 worth of groceries... but I can't go shopping atm with my arm broken, since I need both my cane and my trolley cause I can't carry heavy things cause of my chest
And I hate having to rely on someone else for my shopping...
#i guess i could just buy multiples of things i need...??#like. two or three boxes of cat food. two or three cartons of milk#maybe i should get more cat litter too#gonna be a while til i need it tho#ugh. screw it.
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Being a Big Girl and going to the laundromat and it's already been such an ordeal aaaaah
First I was halfway there when i realized i forgot my quarters so I had to turn around and to back home to grab them
Then when I was nearly there I realized I left my headphones at home
At least I remembered the laundry and detergent??
#rink.txt#just going to ignore the fact that laundry is my partner's chore but whatever#i can justify not doing the dishes now#need to have A Talk with them about this tho bc its not fair i have to pick up all their slack AGAIN#especially when they get 3 days off and i only get 2#i already do the dishes and cook and drive them to and from work and feed the cats and clean their litter boxes and take out the trash#i get theyve got a lot going on with their transition and everything but this is bullshit im not a maid ive got shit going on too
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phone died so i couldn't post, but im gonna be like au speculating as i go through these and i want a good amount of them to be Somewhat rooted in canon? and man i gotta figure out whats just the erins being bad at establishing genuine connections between characters and a character genuinely being distant.
anyways is it just me or does bramblestar feel very distant from his children here
#he has a nice talk with alderpaw when he fails to catch anything on day 1 but he feels weirdly emotionless towards them?#i mean im a ''bramble is a bad dad to both litters'' truther but im wondering how much is like intentional#or me just looking too much into things#actually i wont take too many piss shots at the fandom here (too many)#but this person sucks so ill do it real quick. i actually think dr********r's au where brambles a bad dad to alder#is interesting in concept. like hes ashamed of his kid for not being a great hunter so he shoves him in the medicine den#and later into another clan#buuuuuut tbh i dont really like the way they went about it? like bramble berating alder in the den doesnt feel right#bramble is more the passive aggressive type i feel. at least in my au he is#sometimes more aggressive than passive but thats his main form of being towards his family#like. he doesnt physically abuse squilf. but he DOES berate and isolate her#and idk to his kids i guess him being verbally abusive would work for his character? but it doesnt feel right to me#i think if i had to go at that au itd be more like. bramble keeps negging his kid. getting at his skin#not talking to him in public even when alder calls out his name. downplaying his achievements#''oh. you finally caught a mouse. ok. thats good progress i suppose. keep at it''#idk subtle stuff like that that eats at alder's insecurities over and over and over until he snaps#and THATS when bramble snaps at him. then he pins the blame on alder for snapping first#and then he goes on about how alder is embarassing him and needs to ''go do something else''#and alder chooses to be a medicine cat on his own but its bc hes been worn down and is ashamed of his skills#rather than him being shoved in the den bc ngl i really dislike the idea that being a doctor is ass#and you go be a doctor when youre a failure at everything#if i had to do it id have alder deciding be one bc he feels like hes horrible at what his dad does#and maybe actually i wouldnt keep him as a medicine cat. idk why i dont like him being one but i dont. maybe ill see why later#but he decides its not for him and goes back to being a warrior without his dad breathing down his neck.#wait i was talking abt the shadowclan au. or he goes to shadowclan instead yippee#avos liveread
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hewwo everyone how are you today??
#my wisdom tooth tryna come in and it hurtssss#going to the dentist on tuesday#besides that i'm about to have a phone call with my nurse#then after that i have to scoop cat litter and then i can finally play genshin 😩#i still need to eat today too but my mouth hurts so i need to get like. mashed potatoes or somethin#marshal meows
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#y’all I’m exhausted#my cat keeps going on the litter box but not doing anything#and I think she just doesn’t like the stuff in it and the box is too small so I ordered a new one but it will take two days to get here and#I don’t know what to do!!!!!!!#and I keep waking up when I hear she gets on it in the middle of the night in stress checking whether she’s doing something#and she isn’t#and I keep having nightmares of her dying and having to tell her owner she didn’t last a week with me and she never should’ve brought her#last time she went on it was what? Sunday early morning?#its Tuesday it’ll be fine#but you know?????????#I also had to leave her behind for the first time today because I need to go to work#I stretched it by one day by working from home yesterday but yk#im so FRANTIC and I’m so stressed and my supervisor is leaving on holiday for three weeks so I’m in charge of the big stuff suddenly#which I’m not stable enough for atm at all I shouldn’t be in charge of anything in this state of mind#also apparently my dad is hurting a lot over not speaking to me and yeah my man same but ?????? what am I gonna do huh#it took me a WHOLE month to feel normal again after the disaster that was December we can’t keep doing this#I cried in the middle of a fancy restaurant last night#and then as if that wasn’t bad enough had to have a talk with my mum about racism and body image and religious trauma and how she can’t keep#getting in the middle of my dad and me and then it spiralled into a conversation abojt how my dad impacted HER#and how the divorce was hell for her for a reason because the emotional abuse was. hm.#and hearing that! also how much weight she lost then which I always thought was because she was sick but no it was him#very difficult to hear#fuuuuckkkkk meeeeeee y’all#and I can Feel my brain going around in circles like it’s anxiety central and I can’t stop it atm#shit man.#UGH#I HATE THIS SOMEONE KNOCK ME THE FUCK OUT#@ [redacted] go ahead honestly
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Heem
#I found him in the woods while camping like 2 n a half weeks ago#i didnt have a car so we just. chilled out together in my mom's trailer while i waited for someone to pick us up#& now i love him too much to give him away#he's just a little guy. a little man. just a little boyman#i already bought him a little fountain & he has a bed & toys & 2 litter boxes & he loves dirt#might name him dirt. or mud. maybe dirtball or mudball#an homage to my late boy Fireball#only bad thing about all this shit is that literally as soon as I said ''found another kitten in the woods'' in the groupchat#everyone was already deciding who's keeping him & what his name is & all that#like I'm not even involved at all#also the kitten cant eat anything but soft food right now. he cant even eat softer treats#but he's eating & he's mostly getting along with Ben & he's really interested in the fish tank#he runs around like a crazy person too. between my room & the animal room. just bookin it#at top speeds#he loves ikea rats too. might get him a really big ikea stuffy just to see what he does#another problem is he loves sugar cookies so that's gonna be a problem. he was trying to eat my lemon sugar cookies#i havent had kittens in 18 years btw#man the more i look at him the more i cant imagine giving him away#ive lived without a cat for too long duuude i need him#he made me lose a few Splatoon games today but I forgive him#he is just a little baby boy & he trusts me enough now to pick him up & kiss him on the face & swing him around#for reference the first time i tried to pick him up he bit & scratched the shit outta me#he does the same to everyone else too. except me. because cats think im cool#& also I know cat language#currently the boy is in the animal room playing with toys & also his litter box. because litter is so fun to throw#anyway i just wanted everyone to see him. have you seen him? now you have :)
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Good news: i'm home safely
Bad news: my luggage is not.
Further bad news: I hate living here.
Fuck sake, I ran out of tags. Second half of the tags is here. First is in the actual tags.
Navi's food has his anxiety meds in it. Tael doesn't need them. And Navi needs the full dose. But fuck that I guess.
And they started relying on a weird system that alerts them when an animal goes out the doggy door at night. so they can yell at the cat if that's who went out. Except if they've already fuckinh run away to be eaten by coyotes or hit by a car. Or ignore it bc they're fucking asleep.
And then when i'm upset at them for fucking up, they tell me i'm being ungrateful and that the cats are fine.
They just couldn't be bothered to take an extra few minutes out of their day to do what I asked in the way it needed to be done.
Just. I've been home 17 hours and I already feel like shit and hate living here.
I'm so fucking tired.
#my parents have stopped getting the regular cat food for the one cag#*cat#and have been giving them both the kidney health wet food#and bc they don't like having cat food in the fridge they give each cat half a can#which they shouldn't have bc it's 33% more than their recommended intake#and effectively made cans that should have lasted four days just one#i pay for the soecialty cat food bc it's expensive as hell#and they fucking quartered the lengtv of time it lasts#abd fuckung changed the cat littwr in my room from pine to clay#which they know makes it hard for me to breathe#not to mention i now have bits of litter all over my room#and on my bed and perpetually on my feey#did i mention the litter is in my fuckinh bedroom?#so i'm the one who has to deal with it#and my mom turned their water foybtain back on despite me explaining that i turned it off bc it was disgusting and needed to be cleaned#and bc she def wouldn'y keep up w it#esp bc i covered the fill line to block the light so i cojld sleep#she didn't fucking clesn it snd when i got vome it was way too low snd i'm worried for the motor#it's so gross and it's struggling bc it needs a new filter and to be cleanex#and she clesrly locked navi in my room alone after telling her multiple times not to#and explainubg thst he woulf break mt door#and i know she did bc she got me a new shoe organiser for the back of my door#and mine was just fine when i left#and my parents started giving the cats treats when they feed the dog in the evenings#WHICH ISN'T A PART OF THE CALCULATIONS FOR HOW MUCH FOOD THEY NEED#and ALSO that means Tael doesn't want to eat at dinner time#but navi does#so navi eats both foods#and may or may not leave any for taek#and tael lukely eats navi's food
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the stress came back
#toby's leg is healing okay but towards the top of the incision he has some like. goop#tmi btw#and like. it isnt swollen or redder than usual or anything but he also won't let me look very closely at it#like he's a very pliable cat but he Does Not like his legs being touched#at one point he had some litter that got stuck there that i THOUGHT i tweezed out and now im super fucking paranoid that like#it got IN his incision somehow idk#my vet is closed anyway and i am not a doctor. i cannot give him any weird antibiotics#hes on a 2 week antibiotic right now anyway#and he gets his stitches out on tuesday so there's no point in me going in monday morning#you ever get so stressed you can see waves in the air lmao like putting your face too close to an old tv screen#i will feel better once i sleep. he will not let me look at it and i have nothing to give him.#he is on an antibiotic anyway and has plenty pain medication left#he cannot lick his incision. i wish i had gotten a different type of litter for his box but frankly idk if he would have used it#jesus christ i hate this#its not a lot of goop to be clear its just like. some discharge#but i am paranoid of infection above all else#i need to go to bed.
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#i havent made a gif in a while i need to make new ones#but. my neck hurts. so bad#i musty shower. i must shower. i must clean the litter box too and that little bit of bending over is SO PAINFUL :sob:#this cat better know what i do for him............#i also cleaned up his throw up :( he doesnt know if i was me one year ago i wouldve cried doing it#<- emetophobe but getting stronger#a year ago i couldnt even say those two words or even think them without freaking out so#prooogress!!!!!#yayyyyyy#im procrastinating but im getting so tired i need to just do it
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Last night my mom was like okay tomorrow let's spend the day looking into the state health insurance stuff together and I was like okay great! I'll enroll in the work one and we will see if the state options are any good. I Can dream about doing The Artist Thing and not just continue to try to do the Normal (aka Neurotypical) Thing of a normal Job when my brain isn't good at that and it leads to embarrassing meltdowns and lots of stress for me.
And today.... she apparently asked dad to start working on it with me but I didn't come down for breakfast till 11 at which pt he started working on the easel he's actually decided to Make me for my birthday gift (crazy man! Looks at the ones in stores and looks at plans and decides he can do better and just goes and starts!), and he didn't mention anything to me before that, and she was at services this morning and then got some groceries and got home at like almost 1, had a snack? Lunch? And was like I'm gonna just sit down for a bit and then we can do that, but I started reading and just realized it's almost 2 so went to talk to her and she's napping. So. Idefk. I'm disappointed.
#also trying to explain that like. i have been masking a lot since i was young. so i seem 'high functioning' or 'low support needs' but that#doesnt mean NO support needs and Also ive been struggling more and more the older i get with everything#I'm realizing i will continue to need more support than someone else might think i would and#people simultaneously insult and attempt to compliment me abt it#like steph telling me i should move out and be independent meanwhile i struggle with making phone calls. i paid for driving lessons 2 yrs#ago and still havent called them back to schedule the damn lessons!#bc the mix of adhd and tism means i Cant Do It#i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it#i have meltdowns at work due to a mix of rsd and stress and frustration.#I'm struggling and need help but its help an almost 30 yr old 'shouldnt' need help with. and my over-60 retired parents 'shouldnt' be th#the support system for an almost 30 yr old who is so 'functional' like. I'm a gremlin that can pretend to be a person a lot of the time#and if not them then who? if i moved out how would i manage? between anxiety and adhd and depression and autism.#i already forgot to order my meds in time once! i forgot to delay an autoship and ended up with too many boxes of cat litter! i havent been#able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance!#i cant BE independent and i dont necessarily want to be about half the time but then i feel self conscious and ashamed and uncomfortable bc#I'm 30 and i dont ACT like it#and 'well youre not as bad as so in sos son who Cant hold a job' like. ma. I only got my job bc i was lucky.#bc i responded to tbe survey when i failed the little test in the application and someone read my response and decided to give me a call#bc nino was a good dude and the corporate bs hadnt gotten so bad at wfm.#and then my current position was also luck (or unlucky) bc diana left and they had no one else for the role and i was into the flowers and#helped out big time on making a display and on supporting floral etc before she left after a big holiday#and they were like so imran said u did a good job w that so would u be interested in the job?#i wish id said no but then i wouldve gone for supervisor which i also wouldnt have had fun with#like are there good things i got out of my job? if course. i did grow! i did learn a lot! but I'm not Good At It. is really hard on my rsd#to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid#and j hate the corporatism and the leadership#bc this type of job COULD bc good. i could do it. with a lot more support and a bigger team than they think i need#anyway.#i just... want something different.#i cant think of any traditional job where it wouldnt be the same shit
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girl help i have to do everything around here and if i stop then the whole house falls apart :’3 ahhhhhhh
#ignore this#my goddamn sisters don’t do anything ever#i know they have work and have jobs but like. there’s thing i have to do too#i have to read dune and frankenstein and one million textbook pages before the 15th#but i can’t because i constantly have to do fucking chores#i have to do laundry and dishes and vacuum and mop and clean the litter box and feed the cats#speaking of the litterbox i forgot to do it for One day and one of the cats took a dump and peed on the mat infront of it#so that was a fun little 2am cleaning task#i thought about leaving it but then i realised i’d still have to clean it just when it’s dry and 100 times more annoying to clean#because if i don’t do it then fucking no one else will#i’ve asked them so many times to do things and they say they will and then they just don’t#man#now i get why my moms always nagging at us#because this frustration is unlike any other#just need 2 complain
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