#i need to Sleep i am Driving tomorrow
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i am asleep much in the way that Wally is asleep. that is to say, I Am Not Sleeping
#gave it my best shot for a minute there#really made an effort. its Not Working#see this is what happens when your sleep schedule is Fucked and you usually go to bed when the sun comes up#on a normal night id be jammin to tunes. scribbling with reckless abandon#tonight however i am at Someone Elses place so i need to be Quiet#i need to Sleep i am Driving tomorrow#brain wont cooperate tho. brains a bitch. id like to be unconchus#OH SHIT OH!!! I DO HAVE A JOKE I CAN MAKE BARNABY USE!!!#I HAVE A COUPLE OF OCEAN BASED ONES! FUCK!#sorry train of thought took a detour#im tired. today was mostly very good. had lots of Fun <3#experienced something new! several somethings!!#and now im lamenting my wide-awakeness in a dark room#my hunting gathering badass self is Bored as Hell#and so: wally scribble of him sharing my woes#scribble salad#not gonna tag it as anything else
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shirt ties and lullabies
just pat and pran chilling in pran's childhood bedroom at the end of ep 12, and what happens between cute guitar playing and pran looking like THAT at the window.
technically not canon divergent until the very end bc i firmly believe pran couldn't have ended up in that state without them getting handsy.
i finally finished a whole second fic!! thank you to everyone that cheered me on and listened to my whine about my smut writer’s block, namely @thecookiemonster77 and @seeking-moonscapes. if this fic is half as decent as the art you write, i’ll be happy
#made by jemmo#bad buddy#bad buddy fic#wow guess im a writer now#or at least trying to be#i just kinda pushed this out to get the serotonin boost of sharing something#and also bc i go on holiday tomorrow so i thought id leave a little gift behind for you to remember me by before my family drives me insane#and thats why its not beta'ed bc i need to sleep the early start is already laughing at me#anyway i hope you all enjoy and also any feedback is so welcome even criticism#bc i am not nor claim to be an excellent writer and would love to learn from you all#i know this is so wordy and overdone but i kind of find it impossible to edit down#i just love my long rambly writing#hehe
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'im gonna sleep' he lied
#snap chats#i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art#its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense#i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute#gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled#tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead#twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate#for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know#anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning#'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore'#'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight#and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK#ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me.#and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly#i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to#more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything#i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ???#i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.'#im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental#twitter really is decaying my brain....#let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa#but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him#i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up#heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill#Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to#just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY#expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it#i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute#ok im pissing off fr now bye.
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TOMORROW (hopefully) I can think and talk about my Inklings story plans. Right now I am foraging for ingredients to start simmering.
#i was team lewis last year and am again this year#last year's story can't be continued in a way that works as a standalone (and i want to take the chance to make something new ANYWAY)#i DO want to do portal fantasy again probably but i'm interested in how different i can make it in plot/vibes/worldbuilding while still#making it something i'm interested in#and hoping to actually fit it within a few thousand words this time :P#anyway i have a thread of an aesthetic and a handful of ideas but i haven't had time to REALLY ponder it yet#tomorrow! by fortuitous planning i have no work/class/near homework tomorrow :)#...but right now i do need to sleep#i have to drive in to The City twice a week for grad school and that's not very radical :/ definitely preferable to moving though
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#agh i need to sleep bc ive gotten v little over the past few days and i feel the lag in my brain#ich bin serh müde :-P and i have to drive tomorrow so i should sleep#BUT since my old computer is basically dead now and im putting things on my new computer its v weird#bc i am not good a judging size so i thibk i told my mum i wanted 14in instead of 12 in so the screen is so big#and it freaks me out. idk why. like it genuinely sends spikes of anxiety thru my body. its so big#i need to buy a case for it so i dont break it like the last one#anyway i download steam and now im like. games? should i play games? should i reply kentucky route zero?#thats literally the only game i have lol but maybe i should download disco elysium or oxenfree or night in the woods or journey#actually maybe i should download journey. that might be a game to chill tf out to. im afraid i might become obsessed with the others#i like surreal story driven games idk. Kentucky route zero is just imbedded within me. i wish i could see the sourse code#ah but i should sleep. not find screensaves to set my new computer to. right now my lock screen is a bunch of glass eels#bc idk what i actually want it to be. sigh. i never kno what to set the background as#sleep sleep. i have to sample tomorrow 😩#unrelated
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If someone could just like…. Stab me through the eye that would be great idk
#idk what it is about today but I feel… terrible#not physically just mentally#and not even in a way that’s easy to place I just want to lay in the floor and melt into it#tbh I think it is premature exhaustion and anxiety ABOUT the exhaustion#because tomorrow we have two new apartment tours#and then Thursday (which is my other day off this week) I have that first therapy appointment#so my brain is not classifying either of those days as actual ‘days off’#(and I mean they’re not they will both be extremely draining)#AND THEN one of the store’s big managers insisted on doing the schedule instead of letting our department manager do it#so it’s sooooo fucked up and I won’t have a day off until NEXT Thursday and he scheduled me a bunch of inconsistent morning/evening shifts#so…. I am…. going to have literally no free time for like two weeks straight#no time to decompress no time to do things I think are fun no time to catch up on sleep#and my mom keeps messaging me about getting a new car which yes I need a new car and I WANT a new car and I’m finally in a position to GET#a new car#but she’s like ‘you have to go test drive a bunch of cars to find the one you REALLY want and then we’ll negotiate for it with you’#but I cannot stress enough that I would genuinely rather kill myself than go to a dealer ship and test drive cars by myself#I also just do not give a shit about cars there is never going to be one I ‘love’ because cars are cars I just want one that functions#I don’t CARE which one it is or how it drives or what the fuck ever I will NEVER care#but she keeps insisting I do it and I know they won’t help me go negotiate if I don’t do this first 😭#and I have a dentist appointment for the first time in like three years in a couple weeks and I know I probably have so many cavities#from when I got super depressed for like four months and didn’t brush my teeth at all#and I am just so overwhelmed#new apartment hunting new car shopping new therapist dentist appointment AAAGGGHHHH#I thought it might be a good idea to do it all at once so it’s all over with and I don’t have to have like four month period where it’s just#hopping from one thing to the other#except now I am just exhausted and overwhelmed and grumpy and feel like I can’t handle ANY of it let alone all of it#maybe one of the new apartments will go well tomorrow so at least I can cross that off and budget new rent prices….#ugh#kaz rambles
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(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)
im so fucking sick though. just in general
#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do#stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up#so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min#you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared#when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye#now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours#and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t#and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore#i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand#when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life#like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from#all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand#and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine#like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical#why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical#problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor#ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down#i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities#which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need#i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing#and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!!#but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause#heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain#anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look#but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love#and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been#there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!!#people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends#and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant#keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.
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What If I didn't have a brain of a pessimistic squirrel that takes everything out of proportion and can't deal with any thing
#speculation nation#me getting 4 comments 3 of them being long & detailed and wonderful#(which i want to reply to them so baaad but i dont have a brain rn. tomorrow i will)#but i also lost Two bookmarks (gasp!) and i have 4 comments when my average is like 7 or 8 ish. sometimes more.#and my brain is like 'do people not like it? 😭'#trying to beat my brain back with a stick like a: this is a Long Chapter so people will need time to absorb it#and b: even if i dont have a ton of reception i still have 3 very detailed comments that express how much they love it#those comments r the only thing keeping me sane rn ngl.#this is why people say not to rely on reception for satisfaction with ur own work bc it will never be enough#god i really hope andi can recover enough to return to beta reading soon bc i am losing my mind#might also be the sleep deprivation talking. but The Anxiety is easier to ignore if i have someone there to reassure me#prior to posting. so that i know at Least one person enjoys it.#ughhhhhhngg me planning on A Part being included next chapter that is uhhh#kind of a difficult topic to cover. Essential but idk how ppl will feel about it. im gonna include it but i will be anxious about it.#ngl anytime i have smth that is Uhhh taking any kind of stance with anything or making any kind of statement#it makes me so anxious to put that out there. so many little emails to tell people how i view the world...#just currently dealing with smth i thought was good n reasonable n important that has gotten 0 attention and im just like#i hope ppl dont hate it... i hope that's not why im losing bookmarks....#maybe ppl have just lost interest in the game. or maybe ppl hate where im going with the story.#i CANNOT tell and it drives me insane. little hampster beaver brain needs to Not.#maybe its time to sleep. can u tell by this post that i can barely keep my eyes open rn? i think i probably could tell.#discacc shit#sure lol it deals with it enough
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i should ABSOLUTELY go to sleep but i also have now seen posts about Imogen from later this ep and. how can i NOT stay up for that.
#this is a warning about me absolutely sleep deprived imogen posting in two hours hope we're ready#its FINE i dont need to drive into the office tomorrow#cr spoilers#c3e42#spar speaks#My gal is SO withdrawn this ep already i Am Going To Go Feral in like 2 hours
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day 4 of being sick. why this. why am I not better yet. I've been taking all the meds, sleeping like there's no tomorrow, keeping up with my liquids of all varieties. Like when will I be better.
#personal#the room is spinning so bad#and i think i might vomit again even tho i really really don't want to#but literally anything to feel better at this point#my throat is so dry too bc i try to breathe through my nose but half wsy to sleep my nose will clog up#and ill mouth breathe and i dont realize until i wake up and my throat hurts#thankfully i am going to the doctor tomorrow so maybe i can get some heavier meds then bc i dont wanna miss another day of work#im already on day 2 of skipping#not a fan of that#im missing out on so much money just to be fucking miserable at home#not that i could even attempt to drive to be miserable anywhere else but you know lol#anyway pls send good vibes or prayers or something bc i need it. Cedric needs it too#hes been taking care of me this whole time and i think it's finally catching up to him ://
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rough day...
#i might come back and color this. Eventually....#scribbled this after a busy day of lots of moving things into storage and hauling boxes around#i felt a bit like a workhorse!#at some point i sat down on the uhaul w/ my water and thought. Wow. How Does Eddie Manage#poor guy deserves a break...#he needs a day off smh#i mean the neighborhood would fall apart w/o him probably but still. he needs a vacation!#he works too hard! someone tell him to prioritize himself for once!#scribble garnish#welcome home#welcome home puppet show#welcome home fanart#eddie dear#alrighty well its 12 am i need to get up in less than 6 hours and i still have Several Things To Do before i can sleep!#so! queuing this and getting those last chores done#wait fuck. what where they#well! i'll remember when i get up to do them! probably!#yknow 7 hours into tomorrow's drive im gonna be like OH FUCK I FORGOT THE [insert task here]#oh. shit did i eat dinner? hm... im not gonna be ready for breakfast when i wake up#so i might as well add 'quick cup of noodles' onto tonight's Before-Sleep list....#im rambling! sorry!#anyway i have Much affection for eddie! somebody get him a spa day and some shiny new stamps!!!
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it's so homophobic that i can't watch rampage TONIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS bc i'm too stressed abt my driving exam that i will have in 3 hours and decided to study things i don't need to study just in case they ask me something
#if you know why tonight's ep is so ✨Special✨ to me you know#oh nay#i feel like throwing up! i swear i'm so sexy and so good at driving but what if i SUCK tomorrow what about it#i know i'll pass. bc i already failed it once Lmao and this is southern italy no one does things legally no one wants to fail you twice at#the driving exam which is problematic but just on account of that i Know that i'll pass unless i like. run someone over#which i might#but it's even WORSE (positive) bc driving teacher guy told me the guy who'll do exams tomorrow is Easy to deal with and will let us pass#no problem#so like. realistically i know i'll pass. but watch me get so fucking anxious anyway. watch me#i might no sleep at all idk i have to decide. might have to down a monster before i go#i've never driven on monster i don't know if that makes things better or worse#maybe i shan't. my hands & knees shake after a monster i don't think it's good for my driving#AAAAAAA!!!!! so anyway#so i do the exam sometime after 7 am we don't know when exactly. whenever it's over i come home. watch rampage#maybe take a nap#and then take my monster and go on a walk. might call Nis as a treat#oh i also accidentally put my pre-license license in the washing machine w my pants so . like. if they need to check i don't know how#like. it shrunk. and it's not quite disintegrated but like. a bit torn to shreds luv. should i bring it anyway#i tried to ask teacher what to do abt it and he 1. left me on read for hours and 2. answered cryptically#so. i don't know haha 🤪🤪 let me pass i'll give you road head#i don't like sucking dick i'm simply at my limit. i've been driving for a year
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I'm sooo frustrated with my dad atm. I'm exhausted in general as previously mentioned but my dad's refusal to solve anything which directly affects me because I depend on him. Like I'm fucking disabled that's the thing and the more I'll stay the same if I'm not given the tools and help and etc I need.
#luly talks#takes a dramatically long drag from my cigar this relationship is driving me to madness this relationship is making me feel unlovable#because i need people i depend on people to exist but he treats me needing help as an annoyance it's very shitty!!!#and this is the main and only face to face relationship i have so OF COURSE it affects me OF COURSE it affects me to know i can rely on my#family for even the most important of things!!!#might have come to this realization thru conversation with a certain Blondie for the record very important stuff#on top of this tho like today i just ate an egg half an onion and like#a quarter of an eggplant. because he ate all the noodles and i am TOO FUCKING TIRED TO COOK#LIKE THAT'S THE THING THE MORE THE ISSUE GOES ON FOR THE WORST IT'LL GET#issue being: my back is in shambles#and like after i ate that bc he said last night there's 4 eggplants left for you tomorrow (!!!) i TOOK HIS WORD#BECAUSE HE SAID THAT#and at 1 pm he calls me because i didnt COOK FOR HIM#LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY FRUSTRATION?!#I'VE BEEN COOKING ALMOST EVERY DAY NOW AND its going from this fun creative endeavor to a task I'm not even thanked for!!#like im not talking cooking some noodles frying some milanesas I'm talking standing there UP TO A WHOLE HOUR COOKING#and i don't even have a matress i can sleep in that won't double my back pain!!!#I'm soooooo tired i feel sooooooo lonely
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augh i know i shouldn’t have responded to a bad addition to a post at nearly 4 am, never trust your brain past 12 goddamnit, but i’m gonna stick to my guns
#even after wording things as best i could and cutting out most of the really angry things i had to say#i still feel mean#but i know i’m right! you can’t claim to be anti ai and then call for the use of it as a punishment!#same as any other right#you have to stick to your guns or they ain’t your guns!#and also going onto a post and saying inflammatory shit like that on a post will drive off anyone uneducated about the situation!#maybe i just needed to yell but i do think that person deserved to hear it a little#didn’t seem like they meant bad but goddamn watch your fuckin mouth!#augh! ok yeah it is too late for this i am getting sleep i have food to cook tomorrow#and will likely have to wake up in 4 to 6 hours#which will not be great for me lol
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#well it's now after midnight. i had abt an hr long total freak out. made a very bad life choice that is#almost absolutely garenteed to bite me in the ass very quickly. and i am no closer to decided if im going to this supid mini conference#tomorrow. i should go. my boss has implied that i should go.#so i should shut the fuck up and drive out there tomorrow morning and sit thru a bunch of annoying bullshit#and stop throwing a tantrum abt it. i do this literally anytime i have to attend something social#my body tries everything in its power to allow me to justify bailing. and its exhausting#like u cant just get out of things u dont wanna do by laying down and having a meltdown abt it#i mean. objectively the actions demonstrated were not those of a person fit to be on the road diving a vehicle on what is shaping up to be#less than 6hrs of sleep. but ya kno#and if i go tomorrow its literally all day. kike full on 8.30 to 5.30 and bbq starts#and i need to work on my presentation for thrusday. so id have to bail on the bbq bc i dont wanna fucking deal with that#and then my boss will be like: ur leaving 🥺 and ill feel bad bc anytimr i let the symptoms of my aflictions affect other ppl it just#feels selfish bc like. i know whats happening i dont have to let u get caught in the crossfire#but my brain is telling me i shouldnt go. but if i went it would prob be fine. i just dont want to#but i also dont wanna txt my boss at like 6am like heyyyy so fyi im not coming again today bc... like i dont even kno#bc anxiety i guess. but like boohoo shut the fuck up. if i listened to every anxious voice in myvhead id never#do anything... and i dont do anything. but i shouldn't listen to those voices. but i also shouldnt drive on a lack of sleep#idk i just wanna txt my bosss like: how much do u want me to go? bc ill do it if u make me#but i also might have a breakdown afterwards so like i maybe wanna avoid that?#idk i should sleep. we'll see what happens in the morning i guess#unrelated
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HilarieBurtonMorgan: I love being on this book tour but I am not feeling it today. I hope I didn't catch covid 😷
#twitter#[idk what is up with me today but i am so dizzy. ran errands now im gonna try to sleep. i have to work tomorrow so i need 2 be able 2 drive]
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