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mbti-notes · 2 years

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Anon wrote: Heya just wanted some advice here. I'm a 19 yr old INTJ with depression (have been for 5-6 yrs now). Just wanted to know how to get out of this rut I'm in. Idk if it's a loop or what, I just know I'm depressed and it has definitely worsened since 2020. I don't take any medication and no therapy, although I know I should. When I'm financially stable, I'm planning to.

Anyways, I've been disqualified from college bc of my very low grades and have the option to appeal to be reinstated (and even then, if i do apply for a reappeal, there's a chance they could reject me anyway). In all honesty, I don't want to. I can't be bothered to care for school anymore. I guess most people would be horrified to have such failing grades, but I have no emotions towards it. It's just "oh well" for me. I didn't really want to go in the first place anyway, but my older sister suggested for me to try and I did...which ended up being a waste of time for me and I regret it. I guess it's good I only went for 1 yr lol. Maybe I should have waited or maybe I'm just not a college type at all. I've always disliked school anyways. I managed my depression well back then since i was a good student, straight A's and all, but now I've just completely stopped caring.

I will have to tell my family, but I don't want to tell them about my depression and all that...I haven't told anyone else about my mental issues besides my closest friends and even then, I hardly open up to them about my issues in general (honestly even now i am hesitant abt typing all this despite being anon lol...). My family has never forced me to do anything and give me a lot of freedom actually, so I think they will understand. Even though I often dislike them at times, I do appreciate that they don't force me into anything... I guess I just fear being open about my mental illness. I'm hoping it will be enough to say I just don't have the motivation and focus for school anymore without having to go any deeper. I know I can't just stay home though, staying home drives me crazy and honestly worsens my depression. I do try to keep myself busy at home with chores and babysitting my nephew. But that's still not good enough...I can't drive yet so can't go out and get a job, although I do want to. My best bet is working from home

I am very interested in art and have an art account, although not a lot of followers , but I could try opening commissions up. My lack of followers is my fault lol. I don't upload very often, but I do know my art is good (not in an arrogant way; I definitely know i still have A LOT to learn and I always try to improve my skills) and I know a few people will commission me. I just need a consistent schedule and energy level I think...Instagram's constant changing algorithm is confusing to keep up with + depression killing my energy and motivation + dealing with a baby is exhausting (and i already dislike children to begin with...).

And a week or 2 before my period starts, my depression gets even worse, to the point of daily suicidal ideation in those weeks (I'm sure I have PMDD or PME...likely PME as I'm already depressed and it gets worse before the cycle then goes back to my "normal" state of depression after period ends.) Still, art and the fear of failing to successfully take my own life is what is keeping me alive. If I'm gonna die, I just want to die right away lol but haven't figured that out... I do want to do something with art and be successful, yet a part of me doesn't want to bother at all and just wishes to die in my sleep. I dont really feel sad or anything, i just feel numb i think. Idk anymore

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If I have reason to doubt someone's type, I will not discuss any specifics of type development until the situation is clarified. Since I see little evidence of Ni and Te so far, I will either require you to verify your type or provide a more comprehensive explanation for your atypical function expression/development. You point to depression as a major problem and perhaps it is obscuring the view of your type development. Describing the problem is a good first step, but it’s not enough for achieving a comprehensive understanding of its roots and origins.

Depression is a multi-factorial disorder, which means that everyone’s path to recovery is somewhat different, depending on which factors are most influential. It sounds like you’re just drifting through life aimlessly with very little self-awareness. You’ll need to dig deeper into why you’re suffering and try to account for all of the factors that might have led you to be depressed. In other words, you have to identify the right causes to find the right solutions.

You already know some things you should do, yet you won’t do them. Genuine question: What will it take for you to act? What/who can help you when you don’t care about yourself enough to take responsibility for your own well-being? You don’t want people interfering in your life and that means you have to be the one to step up and take charge. You claim to not care about anything, yet people only ask for help because they care. So, do you or don’t you care? Do you or don’t you want more for yourself? What is the truth?

If you want to understand yourself better, the first thing you have to do is stop deflecting and be completely honest about what you feel. “Numbness” is merely a defense mechanism, a way to cover one’s true feelings, especially the true extent of one’s pain. You won’t understand the problem fully until you access that pain. Everyone has within them a voice that guides them toward self-actualization, so it’s time for you to start listening to it.

Mental disorders are similar to physical diseases; the longer you leave them, the worse they get. Left untreated, depression worsens over time as your life gradually falls apart and you feel as though you have less and less to live for. It sounds like you’ve left the problem festering for too long. PMDD might require medical attention to ensure there’s nothing wrong with your hormone levels, so consult with your doctor. If your doctor doesn’t take it seriously (due to gender bias and discrimination), keep looking until you find a doctor who does. Depression is treatable with cognitive behavioral therapy, so my recommendation is to seek help from a qualified therapist.

If you really don't have any access to therapy, you could at the very least educate yourself about depression and implement some practical advice about how to change some unhealthy thought patterns and poor lifestyle choices. Most major cities have public mental health resources available. The internet has great official resources about how to care better for your mental health. I have also discussed it and recommended books about it. What resources are available to you and have you made use of them? How much longer will you sit and wait? Sitting and waiting is how one gets trapped in a rut.

#depression #mental health #ask

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insomniziam · 4 years

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Zigi PR Relationship Analysis

Firstly, I don’t think many people are aware of just how often fake relationships occur in the entertainment industry. They happen all of the time. And it isn’t a new thing, either. It dates all the way back to the early 20th century and what was known as Lavender Marriages, where men would marry women to hide the fact that they were gay. Although the practice has evolved since then, as it’s not necessarily about bearding anymore as it is about attracting attention, whether that be for a movie/tv show/musician/model and create hype around their relationship.

Okay, *cracks knuckles*, onto Zayn and Gigi. Zayn had a lot of people against him for two reasons; abruptly leaving the band and the mess of the end of an engagement to one Perrie Edwards (I haven’t heard that name in a while, LOL). He wanted to release solo music, but because so many people were angry at him he needed a way to distract them, and what better way to do that than a new relationship with an up and coming model who connections to the Karshian/Jenner clan?

A Hollywood publicist who admitted to producing these kinds of relationships had this to say about one of his clients due to a movie that didn’t do so well:

“It was more of a mutual agreement between the agents and we had a male who actually had a movie coming out and it was getting a lot of bad reviews and slack and they wanted to take the negativity of the movie away and make it more about him”

Sound familiar at all? Try swapping at “movie” with “music” and “negativity of the movie” with “recent fandom drama” and bam! You have Zayn Malik circa 2015.

This wasn’t just beneficial to Zayn, either. Hardly anyone outside the US knew who Hadid was, and she had had PR relationships in the past that weren’t all that successful (Joe Jonas and Cody Simpson), so having someone like Zayn who was known world wide thanks to his success with 1D, this would have been a no brainer. And it worked, incredibly well. Everyone was talking about the new up and coming couple and this brought a lot of attention Zayn’s first music video as a solo artist and people outside the fashion realm began paying attention to her. Mission successful.

There’s a lot more I could say about this couple that definitely raises eyebrows (like the fact that she has pulled similar stunts with Cody in the past, both starring in his music video and couple photo shoots), and if you’d like to go into it, feel free to message me or browse my zigi is fake tag. Or better yet, visit some of the many other ziam accounts that go into a lot more detail than I have in the past. I recommend @yaz-the-spaz and @somewhereisaplacethatziamknow off the top of my head. But I hope no one goes over there to be rude and disrespectful, because honestly, what’s the point? If you’re trying to change someone’s mind, you’re not going to do it by insulting them and not bringing anything of substance to the conversation. If you ask politely, I would be more than happy to answer, as I am doing here.

As for your point in regards to how I can look up to someone who would part take in such a stunt I have two responses; he doesn’t like doing it, and he doesn’t have a choice in the matter - that’s just how the industry works. If you look at all the times the paparazzi have “caught” (take this however you want) them leaving that NY apartment. Zayn, and sometimes even Gigi, don’t look like the happy, loved up couple all the articles claim them to be:

I find this one particularly funny because he is holding his own hand and it looks like she just slipped her hand in there for the photo.

And then you have this photo of them finally reconciling in the street conveniently in front of some paps:

He’s not touching her anywhere other than the mouth (look at that starbucks promo lmao), his hands are pockets, and he may have actually missed her mouth:

And in the rest of the photos he looks fed up and barely touches her, if at all:

Remember, this was after they’ve reconciled, and yet he doesn’t look interested her in the slightest.

Even if you think they were an actual couple, this would be an incredibly toxic relationship. They have “broken up and got back together” how many times now? (legitimate question, I have lost count). They paint the narrative like Zayn riddled with mental health problems and Gigi is the only one that can save him, but sometimes, it just gets too much for her:

“A second source explained there was an honest effort to make their second go at their relationship a success. The two “tried hard to make it work,” the source said, but Malik has “a lot of his own issues that she couldn’t help him get through.”

You could make the claim that this quote is made up, but then I could argue the very same thing about every quote ever made about their relationship. Why would you want to support a couple if this is the way they are portrayed?

And then “Zayn” tweets this when Gigi is rumoured to be dating someone else:

“When lord knows I don’t deserve it” What the hell is that supposed to mean? It’s just honestly so fucking gross no matter which way you look at it.

As for your question as to why she would have a baby for PR, look at the amount of attention she has gotten over these pregnancy rumours just in the last few days. Imagine if she would begin talking about it all of the time, all the promotional deals she could get. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was tired of modelling and ends up doing YouTube or something full time.

There is a lot of things that don’t add up with this pregnancy nonsense. Like the fact that she isn’t showing at all despite the fact that, going by the timeline, she is five months along. Not only would she have gotten pregnant immediately after after they apparently rekindled their relationship (which, with her Hashimoto’s disease is incredibly unlikely), but she doesn’t look pregnant in the slightest. That baby is five months along, and is almost completely formed, organs and all. The baby is the size of a mango, and yet her stomach has remained flat this entire time? No growth at all?:

That, and her own father called it gossip. If she has been pregnant for five months at this point, shouldn’t he know that his daughter is pregnant with his first grandchild?

And I will give it to you that she might be drinking decaf, but how about recording yourself horse riding? Not only that, but horse riding in general while you are pregnant is incredibly dangerous to both the baby and the mother’s health:

But as your pregnancy progresses, the risk of serious injury – to you and your baby – increases. If you get thrown from or kicked by a horse after your first trimester, once the baby has moved higher up in the abdomen, there’s little to protect the baby from harm.

What’s more, the jostling motion of horseback riding can increase your risk of placental abruption, a serious pregnancy complication in which the placenta separates from the uterus.

What’s more, is she apparently has Hashimoto’s disease, which makes it incredibly hard to get pregnant in the first place, and can increase the likelihood of a miscarriage. Why would she even want to risk it, given the fact that she already has a high risk pregnancy during a pandemic where healthcare is limited, the likelihood of her getting pregnant is low, and she increases the risk by not even paying attention to the task, but record herself doing so? It doesn’t make a shred of sense.

There’s so much to this narrative that doesn’t add up.

Again, I appreciate the civility, and I like being challenged, it gives me a good opportunity to back up my beliefs in evidence, which I believe to be incredibly important. So if anyone has any other questions feel free to DM or send me an ask.

Disclaimer: Initially this post was a response to someone who responded to an ask I answered way back in April about Gigi’s pregnancy, but was deleted for some unknown reason. I added some parts in to construct a more detailed and accurate analysis.

#zigi #zigi is fake #ziam #ziam is real #pr relationships #babygate 3.0 #repost #analysis

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melonkooky · 5 years

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your light [hwang hyunjin]

requested

word count: 5858

genre: angst and fluff, student!au

warning: aggressive (is that the right word?) bullying, cussing, a very douche bag of a character that i made up (this is just fanfiction)

author’s note: i’m sorry this took forrreeevvveeerr. like months. there is bullying in this and it’s a bit cliche but i still hope ya’ll like it!!! prompts used: 10. “don’t you dare touch, y/n.” 38. “they can’t hurt you anymore.” 95. “i won’t stop until i find y/n.” please ignore my mistakes lol

please do not copy my work. but please like and reblog it. thank you!!!!

you were scared, utterly scared. you heard their voices long before you even were rounding the corner. you didn’t want to turn around. you couldn't, for one, you only had five minutes to get to class so turning around now and going to a completely different way would waste your time, you could even end up being late to class. and two, you were already so close to the classroom.

you were hesitant to turn the corner, but you forced yourself to. you silently prayed that if you walked briskly enough and even went as far as to hide yourself from the rather large group of bullies that had resided just next to your classroom, then they wouldn’t notice you, let alone bother you. but, unfortunately, you were wrong.

you tried to duck around them and rush into your classroom, but a hand grabbed your arm and yanked you backwards with a harsh pull. you gasped as you stumbled onto the ground, pain erupting all throughout your tailbone and back, your backpack hardly providing any soft landing for you. you felt your face go red with embarrassment, all while it scrunched up with pain.

“tried to avoid us, did you?” you heard his rotten voice.

you didn’t reply. instead, you attempted to hurry to your feet, but your heavy backpack was causing you trouble. it was hard to stand up from the ground while there was a heavy weight against your back.

you heard their laughs, the laughs that almost sent shivers down your spine. you wanted to disappear into nothing, teleport to a world where there weren’t any people, or sound, just an empty void that you can feel comfortable in, your safe space.

you took off your backpack in order to stand up properly, your gaze down on the old tile floors underneath you. your shaking fingers anxiously fiddled with the edge of your shirt. you were trying your best not to cry. if you cried, you knew it would only amuse them and motivate them to continue. it was their favorite thing to do to you.

however, taking off your backpack - in order to stand up - was a mistake. now the main bully, named chihu, was able to push you roughly into the lockers behind you. you gasped at the stab of pain. this wasn’t just bullying. this was flat out assault. and no one was doing a fucking thing to stop it. why was the only word that was floating around in your head.

they continued to laugh as they tormented you. you finally felt the tears slip out. you cursed at yourself for being weak, for not standing up to them, not fighting back. you weren’t strong enough, but you could have at least tried to make a difference. you hated yourself for seeming to not have a voice at all, or have the strength to fight back.

as they laughed, you stood up and ran, you sprinted, despite the throbbing feeling in your lower back. you ran into the nearest bathroom, going inside and locking the door so that no one else to come in. you had left your backpack completely forgotten in the hallway, but you could care less. now, you were alone in the girls’ restroom, thankful that no one was in there with you.

----

hyunjin glanced over to the empty seat to his right. he was chewing his lower lip while one of his legs bounced up and down rapidly at a constant pace. why hadn’t you showed up yet? you were close to being late for class. you were never late to class. and you would have already told him if you weren’t coming (so that he could take much better notes for you to copy from him later).

just as the teacher entered the classroom, hyunjin stood up, taking his stuff with him, and left. he heard his name be called by the teacher, but he didn’t turn around. he continued walking. he only stopped outside the classroom, looking around the hall just as the bell rang. the halls were empty and quiet, until a voice interrupted him. it was changbin, his friend.

“hyunjin, what’s going on? mrs. jung just asked me to get you.”

hyunjin looked at him, his eyes an ocean of worry. “something’s not right.”

“what do you mean?”

“y/n. she’s not here.”

changbin looked at hyunjin, a puzzled look on his face. “perhaps she skipped school.”

hyunjin shook his head. “she would never do that.” suddenly, his gaze wandered to the right of his rather short friend, and he spotted a familiar looking backpack.

hyunjin’s eyes widened as he fast-walked over to it, changbin on his heels. “this is y/n’s backpack.”

changbin seemed to finally be able to put all the pieces together. “so she was here, but where did she go?”

“it must’ve been them again.” hyunjin angrily whispered, crouching down to look at the backpack. it looked dusty, and there were shoe prints on them.

hyunjin felt a rush of anger flow through him. it could only be chihu and that stupid gang of friends that he leads. chihu was the school bully, yet he also was the most popular student in the entire school. he had many accounts of bullying under his belt, but his wealthy parents never believed that chihu would ever do such things. he was their precious baby. it didn’t help that the school never had evidence of him actually bullying the students, despite many students reporting him. hyunjin hated chihu. mostly for what he finds enjoyment in, but also for his recent interest in y/n.

one day, just out of the blue, chihu suddenly had taken a liking of her. in his eyes, she seemed easy to persuade. she had a kind heart, one that he wanted to play with as if it were a violin. y/n was never interested in chihu though. she knew about everything he has ever done to other students who he victimized, many for no apparent reason.

changbin sighed, not understanding why his friend seemed to bothered. to changbin, education was more important than y/n, but only because he didn’t think y/n was in any kind of trouble or needed help (of course, the backpack did throw him off a bit). “hyunjin, we can find her after class.”

hyunjin rolled his eyes as he stood up again, grabbing y/n’s backpack in the process. his heart was heavy as he imagined the state you were in, how you were feeling

“no.” hyunjin firmly said.

“look, i’m sure-”

hyunjin interrupted him. “changbin, please. you don’t understand the situation here. i won’t stop until i find y/n. she’s much more important at the moment. i need to see if she’s alright. she’s-” hyunjin paused, clenching his jaw in the process, “she’s my best friend.”

changbin’s gaze softened. he reached up to gently pat hyunjin’s shoulder, hoping to give him a sense of comfort and sympathy. “i’ll tell mrs. jung that you weren’t feeling well, or something.”

hyunjin felt the corners of his lips tug up. he flashed changbin a small, thankful smile. “thanks.”

changbin smiled before walking around him and heading into mrs. jung’s class. he closed the door afterwards, leaving hyunjin alone. hyunjin released a sigh as he glanced down at your backpack. he always imagined himself confronting chihu, but he was always too scared to actually do it. chihu was feared, he wanted to be feared. besides, if he ever were to report him, nothing would ever happen. no action would be taken. chihu would still walk the halls, almost like a criminal walking freely on the streets.

the school itself was messed up, but there was nothing hyunjin, or the students for that matter, could do about it.

hyunjin shook his head and continued to walk down the hallway. he didn’t have the slightest idea of where you were, and that worried him. he didn’t know if you were hurt or crying... he was clueless. you were the closest person in his life, his best friend. although, as cliche as it sounded, hyunjin had a huge crush on you. he cared for you, he trusted you, thought you were the cutest person alive. you were smart, and funny most days, and you were always there for him when he needed it. and he was always there for you, even though sometimes you told him you were fine when you clearly were not. he hated how you did that.

hyunjin was growing more and more frustrated with each passing second. the halls were empty, and he had no idea where you could be. a thought of you possibly going home did cross his mind, but he just wasn’t sure.

finally, hyunjin glanced towards the restrooms after having walked in a complete circle, now heading in the direction of his first period classroom. he wondered if you had ran into there. his guess was that something had happened in the hallway (where he had found your backpack) with chihu and his gang, and that you ran to the nearest safe place you could find.

hyunjin felt a shred of anxiety as he approached the restrooms. it was the ladies’ side, so naturally he was scared to go in, let alone knock. it would be inappropriate to do so. still, hyunjin heaved a long sigh, calming down his nerves and worries. he then knocked.

there wasn’t a reply, or any sound. hyunjin knocked again, wincing slightly as he checked the hallways to see if anyone was coming. someone would have the shock of their life finding a guy, a young male, knocking on the door of the women’s restroom. he would be beyond embarrassed if that happened. hyunjin shook his head, clearing away all excuses if someone were to, perhaps, find him. y/n could be in there, he reminded himself.

finally, with a shaking hand, he reached down and pushed the door handle down. only it hardly moved. the door was locked. hyunjin sileny cursed in his head. how was he going to get you to unlock the door? would you even hear him if he yelled? he scoffed with that thought. someone was bound to hear him yell, and he didn’t really want a random student or teacher finding him.

“y/n?”

there still wasn’t a single sound.

“it’s hyunjin.” he continued, raising his voice a bit.

this time, hyunjin jiggled the door handle, knocking a third time. “please let me in.” he felt his face heat up. “i understand this is the ladies’ room, but let me in.”

hyunjin didn’t expect a response this time. his hand lazily fell against his side. with a long face, hyunjin was in the midst of turning around to head to class when the door opened. he turned, quite surprised.

you had unlocked and opened the door, just before turning and heading back to the corner in which you had resided. hyunjin glanced around the hallway once more before hurrying inside, locking the door once more. he felt nervous. he had been so worried about finding you, hoping that you were alright, and hadn’t thought about what he would actually say to you.

he gently set down your backpack on top of the counter, right next to the sink, before taking off his own backpack. he cleared his throat and cautiously walked towards you. “y/n?” he asked softly.

you had pulled your knees to your chest and rested your chin on top. you were staring blankly at the floor, a slight pout on your face. hyunjin could see that your eyes and nose were slightly red, barely visible bags under your eyes. seeing the state that you were in, hyunjin was infuriated, but he kept his anger under control. he was going to be there for you.

carefully, he sat down next to you, leaving a few inches of space just in case. he pulled his own knees up to his chest, mirroring you only instead he rested his cheek on top of his knees so that he could look at you. “are you okay?”

you hesitated, the feeling of wanting to cry coming back just after you had managed to stop. you shook your head as a response.

hyunjin sighed. “what did they do?”

you felt a tear slowly fall down your cheek. you shrugged, “nothing that they haven’t done before.”

the pain in your voice plucked at hyunjin’s heartstrings. the strain, the crack, the sadness, he hated seeing you liked this. the moments when you were at your brightest, when you smiled at his jokes, when you grinned after almost tripping because you didn’t tie your shoes properly, or when you jumped every time hyunjin came up to you to scare you, he missed you, he missed the times when you felt happy. but all of that seemed to be gone, all thanks to chihu.

“did you fall? your backpack was on the ground in the hallway.”

you shook your head. “i don’t really want to talk about it.”

hyunjin sighed, his gaze shifting away from your face. “you know i’m here for you, right?”

he noticed the corner of your lip, it tugged up just a single millimeter after he said those words. he felt his heart lighten just a bit. “i know.” you said.

“do you want me to stay with you?”

you nodded.

as another idea came to him, hyunjin felt himself smiling a bit. “should we ditch?”

you looked at him for the first time. hyunjin noticed that you had a faint sparkle in your eyes. there was a small smile on your face. “should we?”

he grinned, leaning closer to your face. “if it makes you feel better.”

----

hyunjin had bought you the biggest sized bowl that the ice cream parlor could offer. you tried to get a small one, or at least a medium sized one, but hyunjin was not having it. he even told the old lady that was working the parlor to not listen to you when you said you wanted a smaller serving, earning a genuine laugh from her. she fondly shook her head as she scooped ice cream into the bowl. “why aren’t you two just the cutest?” she said as she handed him the bowl.

hyunjin grinned, reaching for two spoons. you, on the other hand, blushed.

hyunjin grabbed your hand, flashing another sweet smile at the lady as you and him left the shop to sit at a table outside underneath an umbrella. he even pulled out the chair for you, like the gentleman he was.

“hyunjin, i honestly thought you were getting this bowl just for me.”

he chuckled, handing you your spoon. “nope. we’re sharing, because sharing is caring and that’s what best friends do.”

you laughed quietly, eating the bite of ice cream on your spoon. he had ordered your favorite flavor, stating that he was going to do what it takes to make you forget about the horrible morning that you had faced alone. deep down, every time he thought about it, hyunjin felt guilty. he was blaming himself for not being there for you. he had shown up at school later than normal, all because he had slept in.

“hyunjin!” his ears picked up.

hyunjin seemed to have spaced out into his universe of thoughts. he looked up, recognizing your puzzled face, seeing that his spoon was close to the ice cream as if he was about to get some. he felt a wave of confusion wash over him. “sorry?”

“i asked if you were okay.” you clarified, a light laugh coming from you.

another thing hyunjin adored about you. you had a terrible day and the main focus of this hangout was to make you feel better, and yet you were worried about it. you cared about him after all, just as much as hyunjin cared for you.

“oh!” he laughed shyly, finally scooping some ice cream. “yeah, i’m fine.” he flashed a smile.

you stared at hyunjin a bit longer before getting some more ice cream. it was good, it tasted sweet, and it was even better all because of the fact that your very crush and best friend had bought it and was sharing it with you. your heart fluttered at the thought of hyunjin. he was constantly worried about you, mainly because of that man. dare you say his name. perhaps you should tell hyunjin what happened.

“he pushed me.” you said out of the blue.

hyunjin stared at you, eyes wide with curiosity. “what?”

you swallowed hard, questioning whether your stomach could take another bite of ice cream. you decided that you were too sick with the thought of chihu. “chihu.” you sighed, avoiding your best friend’s eyes. “he pushed me. twice.”

hyunjin’s gaze darkened. you sensed a change in the atmosphere between you and hyunjin. he no longer was the happiest person alive. now, he seemed annoyed, as if he was writhing in a bowl of hot and angry fire, but was trying his best not to let it out of control.

“my back is a little sore because of it.” you continued slowly.

hyunjin inhaled deeply. “i swear. i don’t think i’m going to be able to hold back when i see his face next.”

“hyunjin-” you tried to calm him down.

“no!” he burst. “i can’t let this go. this is way too far! it’s fucking wrong that he gets to get away with everything that he had done, despite all the accounts that have been reported. damn rich people.”

“hyunjin. it really is okay.”

“it’s not! y/n, he is physically causing harm on you, and that is not okay.”

you looked at hyunjin, a sad, sympathetic look in your eyes. hesitantly, you reached across the table and took his free hand. immediately, hyunjin grabbed a hold of your hand, squeezing hard as if it was relieving him of all the anger in his body. he angrily set down his spoon, using that same hand to run his fingers through his dark locks. he sighed, attempting to maintain his composure.

you gently caressed his hand with your thumb, looking into his eyes. “hyunjin.” you softly called.

he met your eyes finally. his cheeks reddened out of embarrassment. he looked cute in that moment, despite having just exploded. you blushed slightly. “sorry.” he apologized, his gaze traveling over to your interlocked hands.

“let’s drop the topic.” you suggested. “the purpose of this ditch day was to take a break from school and everyone that attends it.”

hyunjin smiled. “right.”

you, very much begrudgingly, released his hand, replacing it with your spoon. your hand felt cold now. it felt empty, as if something was missing.

for the rest of the day, you and hyunjin hung out and spent the day together, forgetting about everything that was going on at school. you felt even closer to hyunjin, more than you’ve ever felt before.

while walking through a park, hyunjin checked the time on his phone. “school’s over.”

you sighed happily, inhaling the cool autumn air. “what a day.”

“right? i’m exhausted.” hyunjin chuckled.

you nodded, agreeing with him. “should we go home now?”

hyunjin looked at you, as if thinking about it, but then nodded. “i guess.”

it seemed that neither you nor hyunjin wanted to separate and go home. you always enjoyed his company. he was always so happy and outgoing and positive, always trying to cheer you up. he was just what you needed in your life. hyunjin was your other half. if only he could know that.

the walk home was peaceful. the day was cooling down, there was hardly any annoying noise, other than a car that would occasional drive by. hyunjin was walking you home, and you had a lot of fun with him, having spent the entire day. but, something seemed off with him.

“hyunjin.” you asked as you walked towards your house, hyunjin a few steps behind you. “you okay?”

he looked up, seeming to be confused. you laughed. “you’ve been spacing out all day.” you sat down on the steps in front of your door and patted the vacant space next to you.

hyunjin sat down, a small huff leaving his lips.

“talk to me.”

he looked at you, eyes scanning over every single detail on your face. his gaze was soft and loving, and you were on the verge of melting under it. he looked cute, and your gut was flipping endless somersaults. perhaps, he was going to say something…

“just tired is all.” his gaze was quickly averted to the concrete.

your felt your heart drop, and a lump formed in your throat. you had gotten your hopes up for nothing.

you sighed again, inhaling the air until it filled your lungs. you brought your arms up and crossed them over your chest, bringing your knees up. there was another silence between you and hyunjin, only this time it wasn’t so comfortable.

you felt your heart beat rapidly as you sat next to hyunjin, your mind racing with thoughts that only seemed to add to your feelings of sadness and emptiness. you wanted hyunjin, you loved him, and yet, it seemed that it would never turn out how you wanted it to.

hyunjin was the only light in your life. sure, you had amazing parents that cared for you, but they didn’t know what was going on at school. the very first day that chihu chose you to be his next target of torment, hyunjin was right by your side. he defended you, sometimes even taking a punch once or twice. you always felt a twist of guilt in your stomach every time an image of hyunjin with his black eye came to your head. you had never felt so bad in your life.

“hyunjin.” you sighed.

he looked at you, a shy look on his face. perhaps he had been wrapped up in his own thoughts, just as you had.

“thank you.” you whispered into the air. “thank you for being by my side and standing up against chihu. thank you for comforting me and helping me and being there for me. i don’t think i could ever express how thankful i am to have you in my life.”

hyunjin felt the corners of his lips tug up into a smile. his stomach felt uneasy, as if he had eaten a million butterflies earlier. he shifted a bit before looking at you. you caught the redness in his cheeks underneath the small light above you, hanging above the door. you felt your heart skip a beat, and you grinned.

suddenly, however, a feeling overcame you. you didn’t have time to think about it fully. your body was already leaning forward, but the best part was, hyunjin wasn’t moving away. in fact, he looked as if he was surprised, but in a good way. and when your face was close enough to his, he didn’t flinch or move away. that was a good sign. hesitantly, you pressed your chin up and pressed your lips against his own. his lips were soft and plump, and honestly you felt like you were going to have a heart attack at how fast your heart was beating, or experience a heat stroke from how hot your face felt.

when you pulled away, you shifted nervously. there was a distinct blush in your face, and it reciprocated hyunjin’s cheeks. he was staring at you, and you began to feel restless under his stare. you wondered if you should escape into your house, but you remained still, staring into hyunjin’s starry eyes.

however, you did not anticipate his next move. as if coming out of the blue, in a split second, hyunjin was kissing you again, this time harder, full of passion and love. his hand came up to caress your cheek as he kissed you. his hand was so warm. it felt as if every time his fingers grazed along the skin of your cheek, a trail of fire erupted where his fingers once touched.

hyunjin was surprised by his own actions. his eyes were wide when he pulled away, and his cheeks were as red as cherries. you were blushing as much as he was, there also was a smile on your face.

you chuckled lightly, hugging yourself tightly. hyunjin snapped out of his daze, averting his gaze away from you. a smile was slowly coming to his face. “damn.” he mumbled.

“that was really...nice.”

“well, i guess i’ll get going now.” he spoke, clearing his throat afterwards.

you weren’t going to lie, you felt a bit sad that hyunjin was leaving. but, you had to remind yourself that you had spent the entire day with him, and shared a rather blissful kiss with him. you chewed on your bottom lip as hyunjin dusted off the back of his pants and began to walk away from your house. “see you tomorrow!” he suddenly yelled, whipping around and walking backwards.

you grinned. “see you!”

after watching his dark silhouette disappear into the night, you let out a giggle. you couldn’t believe what had just happened. after getting all of your emotions out, you finally stood up and let yourself into your house, heading to your bedroom to get ready for bed.

----

the next morning, you were a little nervous for the day. you hardly ever were (except for the fact that you would most likely be facing chihu at some point in the day). your very first thought as soon as your mind came to was hyunjin. you felt the familiar feeling of butterflies in your stomach, and a blush would come to your cheeks every time you thought about him. he was adorable and funny, and your best friend, but now you you couldn’t help but wonder if things were going to change between you and him. after all, after you kissed him, he kissed you back.

suddenly, you heard your mom yell through your door. “if you don’t leave now, you’re going to be late.”

a wave of panic jolted you out of your bed. you hurriedly changed before going downstairs. you swept your backpack off of the chair in the dining room before placing a kiss on your mother’s cheek. she laughed, asking you what got you so happy. you didn’t reply.

you bid a quick goodbye before practically running out of the door and heading to school. you had a smile on your face the entire way. you would giggle, bite your lip, blush, all at the thought of the heated kiss with your very own best friend and potentially love of your life. hwang hyunjin, you motherfucker…

your happy attitude, much to your surprise, didn’t last long. you had forgotten all about the people at school, you had forgotten about chihu, which was a blessing. hyunjin had occupied your mind. so, when you walked into the building, you were bewildered when you were suddenly pushed into the lockers.

“what’s got you all happy this morning?” chihu laughed, grinning devilishly.

your happy and rather confident thoughts withered away in a heartbeat. you now felt fear and anxiety, and because your feelings had changed so drastically, your happiness completely replaced, tears started to well up in your eyes. you had felt happy for the first time in a long time, you looked forward to the day. and now, that was all gone.

“answer me!” he suddenly yelled, his face an inch away from yours.

you felt tears slip.

“so weak.” suddenly chihu slammed both of his hands against the lockers on either side of your head, causing you to scream.

“stop it!” you yelled angrily. you attempted to push him away, but you could hardly see through your tears.

he only laughed at your attempts and pushed you again. “don’t touch me.” he growled.

you looked up when you caught sight of a shadow, and noticed that it came from chihu as he raised his arm up. you knew he was going to hit you, all because you tried to fight back. you were angry, you hated chihu. you wanted to stand up for yourself and get him to back off. but chihu never took no for an answer.

you flinched as the hand came down, only you never felt a thing. instead you heard a gasp come from one of his female friends (or rather admirer). you hesitantly glanced up, finding chihu wide-eyed. then, that’s when you saw who had saved you.

hyunjin.

now you were the one that looked shocked. you hadn’t expected it, not one bit.

“don’t you dare touch, y/n.”

you felt your heart begin to beat loudly in your ears. blood was rushing to your head, and now you could see that this was not going to end well, despite hyunjin coming to your aide.

you swallowed hard. “hyunjin.” you quietly said, reaching up to grab hold of hyunjin’s wrist. he had an iron grip on chihu’s forearm.

he was not going to let go.

“hyunjin.” you said louder.

“what are you going to do about it?” chihu challenged, tearing his arm out of hyunjin’s grasp.

hyunjin stepped in front of you, completely blocking you. he stepped towards chihu with his eyebrows furrowed with anger. suddenly, before your brain could even register what was happening, hyunjin punched chihu square in the jaw, and chihu was stumbling backward across the hallway.

“hyunjin!”

a crowd was beginning to form. from what you could see, it was just that they were surprised but the sudden fight in the middle of the hallway.

chihu pushed himself forward, running like a mad bull into hyunjin, pushing him against the lockers just as he had done to you just a few minutes earlier. you were scared, now for hyunjin.

before the fight could get too serious, luckily, a few teachers pushed themselves through the circle of students and tore apart hyunjin and chihu.

they were breathing heavily, neither of them able to tear their eyes off of each other. your jaw hung open as they were escorted away, the teachers guiding them to the principal’s office. you wanted to come with, you were essentially the cause of the fight. but apparently the teachers had no knowledge of that. that is until you were called down to the office thirty minutes later, in the middle of first period.

you were slightly nervous to talk to the principal. he told you about other accounts of chihu’s torment. you couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of anger course through your body, of course. the principal knew about them but had done nothing. but now, it seemed as if you were the last straw. you told him everything that’s he’s ever done and said to you. and the teacher, while leaving the students’ anonymous, mentioned other details and stories.

finally, chihu was going away, at least for a little while. you weren’t sure of his actual punishment, that was confidential. but you knew that you wouldn’t be seeing him. you finally felt relief.

as for hyunjin, however, despite helping you, he had to be suspended for a few days, just for starting the actual fight.

when hyunjin came back, there was a different feeling in the atmosphere.

you arrived at school just a few minutes earlier than he did. you weren’t scared to walk around school. although you felt the need to listen and peek around every corner, you knew that chihu was nowhere near you.

you waited by the doors, waiting patiently for hyunjin to return from his suspension. the days were quite lonely without your best friend (or perhaps not so best friend, who knows?) by your side.

when hyunjin opened the doors of the school, you immediately grinned. you smiled and watched him, waiting for him to notice you. and when he did, a prominent blush presented in his cheeks. he had a slight bruise underneath his eye, but it looked as if it was healing pretty well. a relief…

you and hyunjin closed the distance between you two. you blushed more and more as you grew closer to him, feeling the familiar feelings of anxiety in your stomach. finally, something was going to happen. you could feel it in your bones, deep in the pit of your stomach.

hyunjin seemed much more shy than normal. but in your eyes, he looked adorable.

“hey.” you greeted.

a light, sharp breath came out of his nose, a smile on his face. “hey.”

“how was your suspension?” you asked, rocking on the heels and balls of your feet.

“not gonna lie,” he began, “it was nice.”

you nodded. “thank you for being there for me, hyunjin, once again.”

he looked deep into your eyes. “what kind of friend would i be if i wasn’t there for you?”

you stared at him. your next thought was rather audacious, but you felt that it was the perfect moment for it. “are we even friends at this point?”

“what do you mean?”

you felt your cheeks heat up. “i mean, we shared that one intimate moment at my house.”

hyunjin blushed. “you’re right.” he suddenly inhaled deeply before reaching down to grasp both of your hands in his own. immediately your felt a rush of warmth run up your fingers and around your hands, going up your arms, almost like an electric shock. he stepped closer to you, making the moment feel much more intimate. “y/n, i am in love of you. and i think you’re in love with me too.”

you laughed. “you’re not wrong.”

hyunjin flashed you a smile before leaning his head down. you followed, only you pushed yourself upward. for a split second, you forgot about chihu, you forgot about all of the other students wandering in the hallway, you forgot for a split second that you were at school. your mind was clouded with hyunjin, he was occupying all of your senses; smell, touch, sight, sound, and finally, taste.

feeling hyunjin’s lips on yours a second time was like reliving your first kiss. the emotions felt new and surreal, the moment was passionate. it was happening all over again. you were completely smitten. and you could tell hyunjin was too.

“he can’t hurt you anymore.” he whispered after he pulled away from you, hands still grasping yours.

hyunjin had always been a good friend, your best friend. he was willing to help you through anything and be by your side. he was there to make you laugh and smile, and sometimes cry from the stupid things he’ll do in public, like clapping his heels together in the air, or dancing randomly while crossing an intersection in the city, or when you record him and he’ll make funny faces… hyunjin was the light in your life that you needed to have in order to be complete.

sure you still had your entire life ahead of you, but you had a feeling that hyunjin was going to play a significant part in it.

#stray kids #stray kids hyunjin #hwang hyunjin #stray kids one shot #stray kids imagine #stray kids scenario #stray kids angst #stray kids fluff #kpop #hyunjin one shot #stray kids hwang hyunjin

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vanllacreme1 · 5 years

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it’s mac again ! i’m bringing over an old-ish oc that i hardly got to play but really loved ( which means that this intro is long bc i have a lot of thoughts about my son ) !! pls welcome my babiest baby boi, TEDDY LEUNG .

☕ . ˚ ◝ ( lucas wong. cismale. he/him. ) theodore “teddy” leung is a twenty year old aries. the freelancer’s go-to order is vanilla creme frappe with two pumps of raspberry syrup and extra whip cream. they like to listen to ring ding dong by shinee while they wait for their order. the employees of the deja brew think they are meek but swear they’re totally optimistic as well. maybe that’s why a spray paint can, a velcro chain wallet, and earbuds remind me of them.

mentions of ptsd. injury. 9/11. deafness.

i. born and fostered out of love, teddy leung is the son of a first generation chinese american military officer and a thai lounge singer. having met while his father was stationed overseas, his parents fell in love but just before they could get their relationship could fully bloom, teddy’s father was sent back to america. regretfully, teddy’s parents parted ways but even with an ocean between them, the culmination of their short-lived romance grew into a new life.

ii. teddy was a surprise, to everyone involved, and in fear for his love and his child’s life in the hands of her traditionalist parents ( afterall she was young, unwed and pregnant ), teddy’s father sent for her, causing her to have to leave everything she knew behind for a man she knew for only eight months. but they were in love and they both felt as if their situation was the fates telling them to be together.

iii. teddy came into the world kicking and screaming, his little lungs gasping for air as his limbs stretched out of their confines for the first time. an explosive ball of energy that his mother ate up and his father smiled down on protectively. he was their special boy, golden and proof that all their hardships -- the arguments, the alienation of her family, the stress -- was all worth it in the end.

iv. and for the first few years, it was harmonious. all focus was on raising teddy and providing for him, his father training the battalion on fort irwin and his mother working as a music teacher for the kids in the area. then, in the aftermath of 9/11, teddy’s father was deployed for five years on active duty in afghanistan where he served until a hostile bombing left him injured.

v. returning home after all that time away was an adjustment for teddy’s father, having to cope with not only the strain of physical therapy and ptsd, but also with his 7-year-old son whom he hadn’t spent any real time with since the boy was three. but, teddy, with his big, wondering eyes and even bigger, tender heart, tried to connect with his father the way he was close with his mother.

vi. but even then, there was only so much that teddy and his father could see eye to eye on. art and music became a big part of teddy’s life, while sport and the sciences were his father’s interests. it alienated them both from each other, for the short while before teddy’s father accepted a recruitment job in san diego and became busy again.

vii. in san diego, teddy found a little more independence, enrolling in the local public school instead of the school on the army base. and things were fine, again, until they weren’t. by the time teddy was 11, he developed ménière’s in his left ear, causing him to become hard of hearing on top of bouts of vertigo and tinnitus. he fought a lot with his parents then, his angsty teenage bullshit hitting an absolute peak early on when his parents wanted him to get fitted for an aid and he wanted to just let nature take its course ( he still has his one good ear, he’d argue ).

viii. eventually, they came to an agreement, that teddy would go to counselling and learn asl in lieu of getting an aid, and that teddy wouldn’t complain when his family relocated again in the beginning of his freshman year of high school. moving, this time to colorado, drove a deeper wedge between teddy and his father. and as much as he loves the man, they just didn’t seem to click anymore.

ix. so teddy tried to be a good son for him, focused on school and behaved the best he could. it was only after teddy started applying for university, that he felt the spark of excitement again. the possibility of going back to the place he was the longest, to southern california, was all that he cared about. his college years were going to be the time he became more independent from his parents, finally gaining some semblance of his own person beyond what his parents tried to mold him into.

***DISCLAIMER: teddy is written by a hearing person and his condition may be written inaccurately. please know that i am not at all trying to offend anyone who is HoH and that i will do my best to research and be mindful of the portrayal of his hearing loss. that being said, if you are offended by the way i portray his hearing loss in any capacity, please message me privately so we can have a conversation and i can learn from my mistake.

quick fax

- is an army brat so he moved around a lot growing up ; spent high school years elsewhere, but moved back to cali for university - is studying accounting bc ,,, idk its stable and he’s never really had stability in his life until now - such a glass half full person but is that one ‘ everything is fine ’ meme - will try anything once ; whether or not it sticks depends on how much he ends up enjoying it - would also stand up 2 someone but immediately regret it after - is hard of hearing in his left ear ( ménière’s disease ) so he will lean toward the noise to hear better aka im so sorry if he’s in ur bubble, he just cant hear what uR’E SAYING - he’s ,,, ,v loud w/o realizing it - bc of his meniere’s he can’t have caffeine ( lol ) but he likes the cafe culture and likes to go to deja brew to sketch - also has earbuds in like 24/7 ; gets nagged by his mom that he SHOULDN’T but like ,,,, he’s accepted that his hearing is gonna get worse anyway so LMAO - doesn’t wear an aid and hasn’t used sign language in a very long time but still remembers a lot of it - teddy vc: what ? - does the graffiti on the weekends , pls dont tell his mom ; art is his “hobby” as his dad would say , v artistic and likes to go to moca on their free nights - loves all kinds of music, esp mongolian throat singing ; impressionism is his favorite art movement ; thinks rupi kaur is a charlatan but she’s making money off white people so : / - has a tattoo on his right buttcheek bc why not , someone probably dared him to - naturally wakes up at 6 am, no matter how late he was up the night before ; goes on morning runs - incidentally, he also takes a lot of naps during the day - is technically (f)unemployed ; answers craigslist ads for cash, nothing shady, just like cleans old ladies homes and helps people move furniture - owns a second hand bicycle with a woven basket in the front uwu ; may or may not have found it at a junk yard - will stop to pet a dog on the side of the street ; will also point out animals when he passes them - think andy dwyer, john mulaney, jake peralta, miles morales, jason mendoza and others i cant care to look up rn but u get the idea i hope

possible connections

roommates / housemates, classmates / schoolmates, friends, enemies ( tho he’d probably cry if u told him u didnt like him ), lovers / ex lovers, etc. whatever come yell at me if u want something. find me here or on discord ( 𝖎𝖈𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖚𝖙 𝖒𝖞 𝖜𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖙, 𝖙𝖎𝖙𝖆𝖓𝖎𝖈#3596 )

#about.#hqbrew:intro

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plldetectives-blog · 7 years

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My feelings on the PLL Finale

This is the post I promised about all of my feelings about the finale and the show, now that it has come to a close. I don’t have many good things to say about it so I am warning you now before you start reading. If you enjoyed the finale and are the kind of person whose mood (and in turn opinions) can be affected by those of others if they don’t match their own, don’t read on. Unfollow me, because a lot of what I post or reblog from now until I stop using this account will not be positive.

I envy any of you who loved the finale, as I mentioned yesterday, because this show has been really close to my heart, and I wouldn’t want to be the person who ruins those memories for you because I know how easy it is to change your mind about how you feel about something if everyone (or at least the majority) around you doesn’t feel the same way as you. If I were you, I would guard my feelings fiercely (if I were content with the finale) and keep away from all accounts that might make me second guess my views. However, if you are interested and can tolerate diverse views, or if you share the same frustrations as me, you’re welcome to read on!

Starting with the positives, things I liked about the finale:

The music. It really did make it feel like a movie, and I got the feeling that it would be a very special episode (which I was proven wrong about shortly after).

Ali and Emily with their adorable girls. That made me smile.

“I may not be able to see, but I can smell a BITCH from a mile away.” I really don’t need to say more on this except that this has probably become my favourite line of the whole series.

Mona getting her happy ending and winning the game.

SPOBY SCENES! I’m not a crazy shipper (haleb is my favourite) but spoby won my whole heart that episode. The scene where Spencer and Toby are the only ones outside before she asks if she can join him in his room, the exchange that happens and the playing of the scrabble, and the scene where Toby recognises Spencer from Alex were just perfection.

Wine moms. I could have used more of that in the episode.

The way we found out about A.D. Despite not being a fan of the reveal, I thought that was pretty epic and clever.

The flashback of Alex and Charlotte. That was the only part where I got slightly teary-eyed when I found out what the Patsy Cline connection was.

Where it all went wrong (which was, most of it for me):

The time dedicated to the mystery was so little (and no, I don’t count Alex pretending to be Spencer mystery oriented because there was no information given to us at the time) that I felt like Marlene forgot she was writing a FINALE. It didn’t feel like a finale. I never felt on the edge of my seat. I was never scared for Spencer, nor Ezra.

The one year time jump was so useless and done only for the purpose of making emison (fans of a RELATIONSHIP, not mystery which the show has been built on) fans happy by getting them to see their babies. What was the point of the time jump for the mystery? You’re telling me A.D. took a year off, chilled, saw Ezria were to be married a year later, and decided it was time to take Spencer’s life? Why didn’t Alex do that before? It doesn’t make sense. Again, an utterly stupid decision to flash-forward a year.

The British accent. I got really annoyed by it because I didn’t find it believable at all. Some might say it is just because we weren’t used to hearing Troian speak that way but that’s not the case. We saw Archer drop his phony American accent in 6x20 but that helped form his character because it not only worked, but because Huw is British it was done well too. I understand the reasoning behind wanting Alex to sound Essex-like (how Troian described it) but I couldn’t stop ignoring the accent, and couldn’t try to understand Alex beyond it. The_pll_sherlock on Instagram explains it perfectly here: “Whenever either one of us expresses our disdain for Alex’s accent, we get dozens of comments educating us on class. So here’s a clearer explanation of what we’re saying. By a Londoner: No one’s suggesting that Troian should have adopted a more upper-middle accent! 😂 Julian’s accent IRL is hardly “posh” & wouldve been perfect for Alex. I can’t imagine that anyone actually from London would call what we heard true Cockney. As for Essex…two things. Essex isn’t actually in London & it’s not ‘working class’ as many have suggested. But all of this is irrelevant because the reason why we point it out is - as we’ve both said multiple times - that IT WAS DISTRACTING 😩. It felt cartoonish. I found it a little upsetting as I was jolted out of the story every time she spoke.” My point is, Marlene shouldn’t have chosen Alex to be British. Andrea managed to play Mary flawlessly without changing her accent. She used her aesthetic, facial expressions and body language to make us believe in Mary. If the same choice was made for Alex, I may have believed in her.

This links in with my previous point but just the way Alex Drake was developed and played. I kid you not when A.D. was revealed, for most of the finale I was expecting her to take her mask off. We didn’t get enough backstory and not nearly enough flashbacks. We were promised a heart-breaking story but they failed to deliver it. Yes, it is horrible that Mary sold her and she lived on the streets and grew up without a family BUT we didn’t really see Alex feeling remorse over it. She found everything she did humorous, like someone with too much time and money on their hands. She didn’t show emotion, and that’s why I struggled to believe she was a real person. They didn’t humanise her. Why weren’t we shown a flashback of Alex visiting Charlotte’s grave? Why weren’t we shown the harsh details of the difficult life she lived? Why weren’t we shown flashbacks of her with Wren, Archer and Charlotte?

I’ve mentioned this before here that in my opinion, Troian was the wrong choice to play the ultimate villain on the show. I love her to death but I could not picture her pulling this off successfully. To play a villain well, you have to make the audience somewhat fear your character, or fear for the character in danger because of them, which didn’t happen for me. I found Alex to be comical rather than a villain I could take seriously. There are many other cast members who in my opinion were a much better fit to play a villain. I’m talking about Sasha, Janel, Torrey, Tammin, Vanessa and Ian. First 5 actors in particular, are probably the best out of the entire cast.

There were not nearly enough clues pointing to Alex. Marlene kept on saying 7B has tonnes of clues. WHAT CLUES?? I found nothing aside from the Wren and Toby scene that pointed towards Spencer having a twin. Even those scenes only make Spencer shady. The_pll_sherlock again, explains my point well: “When you say “I knew it” or when Marlene talks about leaving eggshells, all I think is “well, yes, everyone SAW the strangeness of Spencer.” But those weren’t real clues. There was absolutely nothing pointing to the ENGLISHNESS of a twin (other than Troian’s interview with the bros, but no one thought that then lol) or to other aspects of her story. And that’s why Twincer made no sense. We all saw the physical signs Troian was giving us, but they seemed (and SEEM) random & irrelevant to the plot. It’s probably also why a lot of Twincer supporters aren’t happy, despite being right. You were sure it would be her (even though you could never have guessed the “why”….which was just handed to you). I had a similar problem with the CeCe reveal. But at least in her case, we could see clues in previous seasons. There are clues pointing to Spencer having a twin, yes. #shadowhastings. But Marlene didn’t try to weave them in; there’s nothing referring to Alex until season 7. Remember Mona? Clues pointed to the 'who’ AND the 'why’”. There were probably more clues for people who weren’t A.D. than for Alex herself.

Inconsistencies were also a huge issue for me, as were character choices in the finale. Alex’s motive was to find and punish Charlotte’s killer yet instead of doing that she recruits Mona to help her in her final game against her sister who has NOTHING to do with Charlotte’s death. You expect me to believe that Alex, who has probably grown up without the privileges of most people, would use the carissimi money, not to build herself a better life but to buy supplies (for spying, the board game) for torturing the girls?? Black hoodies. We see Alex throwing them away and then buying new uniforms, saying she hides in plain sight yet we see her wearing the hoody numerous times in season 7. How does that make any sense?

Mary Drake. Why didn’t she tell Spencer she had a twin? Why was she working for her if she cared so much for Spencer? Why was she at the blind school when Alex shot Spencer? Her character makes no sense to me anymore.

Interviews

This was the thing that let me down the most - lies and building false expectations of fans. Setting aside Marlene comments (because we know by this point she lies as much as she breathes), Keegan lied in SO many interviews claiming, the reveal makes the show “rewatable”, it “ties a lot of plot points” and “it’s so clearly in every episode.” Lucy said it’s “the real A”, Janel said clues are “sprinkled throughout the series”, Ashley said this person has been behind “all of this” and “for the last 7 years.” Not a single of those statements is true, or close to it. Why would you say that, I want to ask these people. You literally told us to expect this explosive reveal that’ll tie all 7 seasons AND clues will go all the way back, and now knowing that they don’t no wonder so many of us are deeply hurt by it. All that time theorising, rewatching the whole series the way I did, I’ll never get back the time that I wasted. Even when I go back to rewatch the show (I don’t even know when that’ll happen), I’ll never be able to watch an episode the same way again. Plot holes will remain just that, and I will forever dwell on the missed opportunities in the plot lines that would have made the show end amazingly.

Marlene didn’t write this finale for us that began watching this show to find out what happened to Alison, she wrote it for those who have been cheering on the problematic Ezria romance ever since their famous kiss in the bathroom. She wrote it for those who wanted Emison together despite the fact that Alison is not a good person. The saddest thing of all is, Marlene and her team of writers forgot about the people who made this show what it became, and she forgot what Pretty Little liars was really about - a mystery.

#pll #pretty little liars #pllendgame #pllgameover #pll finale #alex drake #marlene king

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3staroracle-gemmanelson-blog · 5 years

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A Picture Of Me

(this is a repeat posting, however our guides encouraged me to re share this in the now, because someone that needs to see it shall and I pray with a deep love in my heart that my share helps you)

Yeshua has asked me to share some of my story in short with you, so that you may see who I am in the now and where I have come from, how human I am and that as much as I have done much work and self healing there is more to be done, which is our journey isn’t it.

Yet if one person is helped by this share, it is worth it! Healing is the intention!

I was born to a woman wanting to keep her husband, at six months old it was over, so the father figure was separated right there and then, years passed and I started school and recall the day I had the download of how to read occur, I was reading the three pigs with a teacher called Mrs Marsh, I was just over five years old and the page went from blurred to clear and then I could read…

I also recall the day they took our fingerprints and were very careful about that… I’ll let you have your own thoughts on that.

So at this point I had 2 older sisters and a depressed mother, who then found herself another man and bought him into our lives, in an instance our lives changed, we were now under a dictatorship unable to freely roam our village, in fear of violence, sexual subjection, intimidation, mental abuse, this in short was to be our childhood from age 7-21…

At school I would converse with my ‘imaginary friend Violet’ and would also find I was able to track and help injured people by following the sound of their heartbeats…

Until the school said how odd I was to them of course.

We were involved within a religion that was a strict Christian religion and our step father hid behind this, my grandmother my mothers mother advised me age 15 what he had done to my older sister, she wished to protect me… I therefore spent years thereafter keeping myself awake at night, reading by moonlight, sometime there after my sister was beaten up and sent to our natural fathers because she was apparently uncontrollable after she had told the religious leaders what he had done to her…

I recall the time our step parent got chucked out of the religion for smoking rather than for all the years he was unkind to us, I had learnt about Satan within the religion, so called out abuse and hate to this being, I experienced a reptilian face that screamed without noise in my face as a warning to respect that the god/creator allowed them to exist here for good reason the scream I know was silent to take into account I was a child. (Yet lesson learnt I was to always respect any energy) what I am thankful for as regards this religion was how it taught me to speak directly with god/creator/source from my heart and how they taught me to see truth and untruths within their Bible book…

In short we held our breath at night as our step father walked about the house, we could not speak for fear of saying the wrong thing, which seemed rather frequent, this is shared to give a picture of my childhood, as this now I accept as part of my chosen life experience and the carving tool that made me who I am today, I chose to forgive yet move on not being connected to my natural mother or father and my step father spent a little while behind bars…

Our mother a lost soul, who sold her soul and ours for money really…she became a victim to his behaviour and although had many opportunities to separate or save herself and us always went trudging back.

These lessons taught me how never to be and help me lay some good boundaries that have lived with me in adulthood.

As a child, within a religious organisation that chose to protect this offender… I lost all respect for that said organisation and left when I left the family home, when a further education college counsellor and I devised a plan to get me out after a further beating for a made up reason.

So at less than 18yrs of age, never having been on a train, or to the cinema, I was told I would have to do all alone to leave for a new life in Surrey from Leicestershire England, kindly a religious member decided to take me and connect me with people who could look out for me.

The few times I did go and report the beatings to doctors they suggested that if I went to them again they would have to report it… Interesting that it came across as a threat to me, rather than them wanting to suggest they could help or protect me.

Moving forwards whilst I did the voluntary work in surrey it was protected freedom living in a nurses hostel with the grounds I worked and having contact with other religious people in that area.

As time moved on I then found other paid work caring and housekeeping for a lady in her own home and then lived as a lodger in a woman’s home whilst working in a departmental store and as I started to begin the healing process and the realisation of all that I lived through I had a break down and it all led to me returning back to that home, I recall when I called my mother and said that I didn’t want life to be how it was before, she suggested I should behave myself, which was interesting as we didn’t dare say boo to anyone.

Regardless he came and collected me and that drive back was uncomfortable, yet I will say that I had grown wiser and living back there was never as bad as it was before, so I had learnt to set boundaries, the worst he did was throw a cat that he had been beating up at me as I had asked him to please stop. I had learnt to ask if anyone needed the toilet before I showered etc…

So at around 21 & 1/2 I was now able to drive, had my own flat, had met a man that didn’t speak hardly a word of English and I was in love with the idea of being in love, so in between work I would drive endless hours back to Surrey to be with this man, this man also helped me sever the ties with the religion and yet again helped me heal whilst being protected, as time went on after being married to him, accepting his children seeing and realising we were on totally different planets and it couldn’t continue we divorced, within this marriage I had taken on four of his children proved it was possible to be a good and caring step parent, learnt another language, had early gestation and late gestation pregnancies, he had many a time attempted to be violent towards me yet the strength I took from my childhood would always reinforce that boundary, even to the extent that I could sense in another room when he was about to hit his child. Many a time throughout my life and the loss of my babies I would then find my belief system evolving always returning back to really what quantified as a spiritual belief, tarot readings, reiki level 1, reading spiritual books like the Celestine prophecies all impacted, yet as each dark corner was approached I would not know what to believe anymore and would just be, until the next awakening came.

Before I decided to leave this husband we went to court to say what had occurred to us as children and we learnt that our step father had a whole history and pattern that weaved a nasty path, so even with all of that he was given four years, yet again I was shown how organisations really protect the ‘wrong doer’…

At this time I worked with in a bank and the support through the years they gave me was awesome, showing that even when the going gets tough that support comes from the most unlikely of places.

So when I left my husband I had a good job and ended up in a woman’s only hostel, hoping that society would finally realise all I had been through and assist me, yet I was the only person in there working and paying my way, funny as the time passed the social workers saw that I had a way with ‘bullies’ and they put all the vulnerables in the wing with me.

I suppose you could say at this point I had my time of self discovery and my wicked way with the world, free and single, met a man who tried to imprison me as I had allowed him to take me to a city I didn’t know, he also aimed a gun at me and I told him he looked pathetic and if he was going to shoot me then he could do it in the back of my head… Amazingly I survived and returned, connected with a man of an old family friend and together we found a landlord who would accept me because I had a job, no deposit and a pet cat. So here was my new beginning, I had felt so happy to have this place that not having a bed etc didn’t matter, I slept on just the duvet for weeks and was so happy, I found time to write what I wished for to the universe, this included what I wished for in a partner… An old family friend of my natural mother moved in with me and she became the mother mine could never be, we had such fun there and a colleague lived at the back of me and I’d often go there for chats, all was going well. I then met through a chat site at my friends house my now husband who is all I asked for and more, bless when he first met me, I believed in nothing religious or spiritual and wanted to ensure he wanted children because time was getting on. Lol

Well within 6months we lived together, 2 months after that he asked me on one knee to be his wife, 1 & 1/2 yrs later we were booking our wedding after my delayed divorce came through, 3yrs after we met we got married.

2 years after that my 8th baby loss, led me down a dark hole of totally disrespecting myself, mind, body and soul… For I would get to 24 weeks pregnant and my body would just eject and the perfect child too small to continue would pass.

I had met a consultant who transfered us to a miscarriage clinic for further investigation, right from meeting him I knew he was an earth angel. He did tests etc and we left it at that, let’s see what happened and go from there. It was leading up to my birthday and months had passed and it wasn’t happening so I decided that I would love a dog, so family clubbed together to get me Betty, imagine this… earlier that spring all the plants were telling me how excited they were and wouldn’t let on why (literally they were so excited it was bursting from them), so I banked it after acknowledging it and I would look out for something, at this time I believed in mother earth and nothing else, because of events…. I was cuddling my puppy in my arms and was reminded of my first daughter that I had given birth to within my first marriage in the year 2000, they felt so similar, I stood in my garden and sobbed, then I became angry and told mother earth that I deserved to be a mother and to prove I could be a good mother, I affirmed that I am a good person… The joy in the heavens its what they had been waiting for, funny thing is I must have already been pregnant because two weeks later we had a positive test, that surgeon moved heaven and earth to give me the very best treatment that I deserved and now my boy is five years old.

We found out that the lady that became like a mother to me had terminal cancer and I had severe fibromyalgia, which had meant I couldn’t work and lost my job due to it almost two years after my son was born, this was to be my final no going back awakening in 2015, I assisted my dear heart adopted mother with a smoother passing using all shamanic healing within me, I had started angel card readings and developed that within a spiritual group this served to distract me from the physical manifestations of pain that was present, plants and trees were talking to me again, as were my guides and I was developing at a fast rate, our guides even fast tracked/jumped my timelines with an unforgettable experience within a meditation, (this was recognition for my efforts within life) where I met my native guide, a star being guide, a shrimplike guide that told me he was an intrinsic part of earth, I also had pleasure of meeting a counsel of many wise beings, such an honour, they even connected me to oneness and allowed me to affect all the energies, weather and more.

Leading up to my dear hearted adoptive mothers passing I knew when she was laying in her bed looking like she was asleep she was also communicating with me just like spirit would and there is no room for doubt within my mind that it was anyone else but she, the experiences I and others had leading up to her passing left no uncertainties this was to be my life, a life in service, being in the right place at the right time, taking items I knew were needed, giving messages of love, nurture, healing, activations, clearings and more.

Many people have gone and come into my life, either to teach or be taught and I’ve had many lessons for which I am truly thankful for.

Delores Cannon, Adama, Nana, Mary, Commander Ashtar, Dragons, Fae, Druids, Griffins, Hatuey(salamander)Yeshua, Hathor, Thor/Thoth, Goddess Isis, Archangel Metatron, Haylel, Haniel, Azrael, Ariel, Sophia, the seraphim collective and more continue to teach me with the connecting of consciousness, channelling, telepathy, animal communication, supporting clearing and smooth transitions at end of life, most of all I’m taught to be limitless, this is who we are, all that I do and am learning to do is possible for you if you wish.

With the help of the physical illness and Archangel Chamuel and Raphael I’m so much better at listening to myself honouring my truth and loving myself.

I am now off all western medicines, have a continuing plan to keep ensuring I improve my diet and have made good advancement on that, stopped smoking and more, always there is a journey on working upon self, we wouldn’t remain humble else, all of us are students and teachers.

Many people ask how has your belief system helped you and I answer this.

It has healed me from depression, insomnia (except upon full moons and energy downloads. Lol), fibromyalgia, diabetes, broken hearts, despair, phobias and or paranoia, self loathing, I could go on…

I am thankful for both difficult and easy experiences and have made my peace with it all and can truly give thanks and draw strength from them.

Because through it all I have love, hope, the desire to help us have a better future, to help others find their truths, to have vision and self love, with empowerment of self and to gift this to others.

I have the inner peace I always wished for and know that together we can all find this.

This is not a boasting, or a competition, or a look at me, its to share that no matter what you can overcome so much and be who you wish to be in the now, with a pure and humble heart and a readiness to be in service. Knowing you can ask for help from the ‘unseen supporters’ and receive it.

Blind faith, trust and belief has taught me much, even that without an income or access to benefits/state payouts, the universe has our back, be open to receiving in whichever way the universe wishes to provide for you.

We are in the age of mastering our life and actualising mastering the embodiment of ourselves in the flesh, hereby bringing heaven upon earth. Look within and you shall find and look beyond and you shall see, all you are meant to be xXx ❤ xXx

If you wish to contact me for any of the above services, our guides have confirmed that my journey is to be in full time service and I too desire to honour this.

I am happy to receive clothes/shoe vouchers, food vouchers or deliveries, monetary exchanges to assist with paying Bill, spiritual healing items such as quartz crystal bowls or a handpan, set at divine 432MHz to aid healing sessions… there are also some decks on my wishlist also

If you have any other ideas I am open to them.

Just message me.

Payments for services or donations are to be sent here:

paypal.me/gemcraft153

Thank you for being a part of me and thank you for allowing me to be a part of you.

xXx xXx

XxX

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feitanswife · 7 years

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ALRIGHT I DREW THIS PICTURE TO PROVE A POINT AND IT TOOK TEN MINUTES TO GET IT FACING THE RIGHT WAY SO LISTEN THE FUCK UP. This is the first oc I ever really tried on, or at least a rendition of the one outfit of hers I distinctly remember. I remember it so well because when I was deciding what she was gonna wear, I looked down and described what I was wearing. I've since tossed the pants but I still have that shirt. This is my self-insert, did-my-best OC, Sparkle, from a fanfic called Colors. Yes I fucking said Sparkle. It made sense in context. She's a Pokémon oc, and if they can have characters named Leaf and Platinum and fucking X, I can have an oc named Sparkle. I'm not just gonna call her Suzy. I think there already is a character named Suzy. But there definitely wasn't one named Sparkle, which was basically the only requirement for Pokémon character names because holy fuck there are a lot of characters across all three main universes not to mention the side universes! So,long story story this is me but thinner with a cool name. And a few other things. Long story short she was born in the Pokémon world but got kidnapped and taken to ours by the evil people. Still don't know why, I've always been a figure-it-out-as-I-go type. Her father is Cyrus because I like Sinnoh and he doesn't have kids that we know of yet. She has a HUGE crush on N, again self-insert here. Projecting big time. I was so obsessed with N. it was really unhealthy. But that's a post for another time... and another blog. Personal shit that weird people out goes on the sideblog lol. So basically she has several mental breakdowns because she can't figure out whether she wants to follow her lifelong dream of being a coordinator or get a hot hippie to kiss her. Because when I wrote this I thought I was straight and that dating and guys was hella important, more so than a potential career. But tbh it IS N, I'd think twice even now. I mean it's fucking N. who do you think I am?! So she's having Teen Troubles and shit, and her brother- OH I forgot to tell y'all, Paul and Reggie are her older half brothers for No Fucking Reason!!! Ok there was a reason. I wanted Ash and Paul to date and I couldn't think of any other good reason for either of them to be there. Still ship that hella hard, first not straight otp and it has stood the test of time. (S/o to the people who wrote those fics with them over on ffnet, without you I'd probably have never broken away from my parents and their shitty opinions on sexuality.) Plus it was dramatic as hell when Sparkle realized that Mars wasn't her real mom and that her dad cheated on his wife. Not sure where I was going with that. I think I was covering my bases on the fact that he looks nothing like anyone in that family. So then it gets WORSE!!! Some generic evil people start causing chaos and start trying to steal Mew and Mewtwo (again, really irrelevant but they're my faves) so the entire squad hunts them down and somewhere along the way Nay and Harley show up and N squires a shiny Espeon named Nova to match Sparkle's Umbreon Luna. And then there was a train hijacking and Sparkle ended up lost in a forest. And that's as far as I got. Because I got fucking cyber bullied off FFnet for two years. Later figured out it was my "best friend". How she found my account I'll never fucking know. SO, SOB STORY OVER HERES THE ACTUAL POINT OF THE POST ^^^^^^^^^^ ~~ Being terrible to kids over their ocs is really fucking shitty. I did everything my 14 year old self knew how to do to make her realistic. I really wasn't good at writing, but my intended characterization is probably the best I've ever done save for my in-progress novel. She had terrible anxiety that manifested in her crush on N, she felt inadequate and worried about performing well. Her biggest fear was doing things wrong and having him hate her, because she idolized him too much. And she failed often. He did too. They fought and bickered over stupid things and it hurt everyone involved. No one was free from issues. But over the story she was going to learn and change. I only ever got a fourth of the way, if that. I even planned to break it up into a first and second story because it got too long. I was in it for the long haul. Colors was my baby, I gave up all my class time to work on that. I nearly failed my freshman year because I put so much time into it. By the end of it Sparkle was going to grow and learn and change and become stronger, and N was going to do the same. And as incompatible as they seemed at the beginning, they learn from each other and eventually it works. And they got together and it was great. And even though I started rewriting it four years later... I don't think the end of Colors is ever going to see the light of day. Mostly because I'm not sure what it is exactly. But also because I can hardly call her a self insert anymore. I've changed so deeply over these four years, she's no longer anything like I am at all. I can't get in her head and write her anymore the way I used to, even though now I have the means to get across what I wanted to. That girl is dead, she's gone. But she didn't have to go so fucking early. It hurts so much because I love this story and it's so special to me and all I want is to watch it bloom but I just can't finish it. I just can't. The words won't come anymore and it's just dead because some FUCKI G JERK KILLED IT. SHE FUCKIBG KILLED HER. SPARKLE GALACTIA-HARMONIA IS DEAD. I HOPE YOURE FUCKING HAPPY YOU CRINGE CULTURE FUCKS. THERES 15 WORD DOCUMENTS SITTING ON A FLASHDRIVE WRITTEN WITH A LITTLE GIRL'S HOPES DREAMS BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS AND THEYRE FUCKING DEAD. 15 OUT OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN 30. COULD HAVE BEEN 40. COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH AND NOW ALL OF ITS GONE. IT WOULDNT HAVE BEEN FUCKING SHAKESPEARE BUT IT EPULD HAVE BEEN DAMN GOOD FOR SONEOBES FIRST FUCKING TRY. I HOPE YOURE HAPPY.

#rant

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rimalupin · 7 years

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Headcanon: Suitors’ Rapping Styles

Because I’ve been listening to a lot of rap music recently (Sorry if y’all don’t understand my rambling about rapping, LOL. :P).

Alyn Crawford - The Storyteller:

Stage Name: Captain Badass

Pretty good at freestyling: Alyn can definitely beat his fellow knights at rap battles (he used to practice with Leo when they were kids).

When he raps, he has to tell some kind of story. Otherwise, he’ll get lost if he doesn’t know what he’s rapping about. He feels like it’s the most effective way to put some meaning into his rhymes.

He likes to use movements/hand gestures to emphasize his lyrics.

EXAMPLE: “As a knight of Wysteria I vow to serve the crown / Mess with my country and I will shoot you down.” *”shoots” audience with his finger guns*

Louis Howard - The Genius Lyricist:

Stage Name: Ice Rhymes (Geddit? B/c he’s the “Ice Prince”? ((Hey, I didn’t say their rapper names were gonna be good, okay? :P)))

Louis picked up some rapping skills from Sid when they were younger (Louis probably overheard Sid one day, which then led to impromptu rap sessions during their free time.).

Louis hardly freestyles anymore because he’s worried that he’ll say something dumb, even though he’s actually really good at freestyle rapping.

He prefers to think about his rhymes beforehand. Once he comes up with something good, he writes the lyrics down, finds a good beat/backing track, polishes up his song, and then memorizes the rap in case he needs to share it with his buddies in the future.

He probably practices in front of Lucia TBH.

EXAMPLE: “I’m ignoring all the haters: all their faces and their words / Cuz once the ice starts breaking they’ll see how much it hurts…. Oh wait, that was good. I need to write that down.”

Leo Crawford - The Linguist:

Stage Name: Double Entendre

One of the best freestylers of this list (Maybe freestyle rapping runs through the Crawford family? Lol, idk: I’m just putting some things out there. 😂). Leo’s a fast thinker, so he can come up with lyrics in less than a nanosecond.

He also loves playing with the words he uses - he’ll experiment with close-rhymes, monosyllabic & polysyllabic words, and even words from other languages.

He’s such a show-off, but that’s what makes him awesome at rapping: he’s not afraid to show his confidence. 😄

Also, Leo’s a witty and sassy little firecracker, so he’s got a few diss tracks up his arsenal (he won’t roast you too hard though, I promise).

EXAMPLE: “I’ve been learnin’ and searchin’ about why you’re standing there lurkin’ / Why don’t you come a little closer? I won’t bite ya, good lookin’.”

(Did I mention that his flirtatiousness skyrockets when he raps? 😂❤)

Also, Sebastian can now rap thanks to Leo.

Giles Christophe - Emotional Rapper:

Stage Name: Cat Daddy (LOL, LIKE THE DANCE MOVE. 😂)

Giles can freestyle if he’s in the mood for it (or if he’s got time for it), but he usually prefers to write down his rhymes.

He’s kind of like Alyn when it comes to rapping: Giles often tells stories through his raps, and they always end up being so emotional (His raps often get pretty deep.).

He can change the moods/tones between his rhymes very smoothly through both his rapping and the lyrics themselves. His audience is always moved somehow by his performances, so I promise that HE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL THINGS if you ever listen to him rap.

EXAMPLE: “Helpless and hopeless are the voices in my head / As darkness consumes my reality in bed.” (Shooot, this got super-emo real quick. Whoops. :b)

Sid Arnault/Lloyd Grandier - A Freaking Legend:

Stage Name: $iD (I’m not even sorry about this one: I can totally see Sid signing his name with a dollar sign instead of an “S.” 😂👌)

Name three or four of the best rappers you can think of. Now, imagine that they all had a baby (Hypothetically! :P): their child would be Sid. Honestly, this guy’s rapping skills are so good that he would probably have the honor to be considered as an equal among rap legends IRL.

Sid was basically born with the talent of rap (it’s a legit God-given talent), but he definitely honed his skills while traveling for his job. He especially learned from the best rappers while hanging out at different bars.

Sid will most definitely destroy his challengers in a rap battle (It happens like 99.9% of the time, so watch out!), but he can also sit down and write actual masterpieces.

There are no other words to describe Sid as a rapper except for this one: A-FREAKING-MAZING.

EXAMPLE: This was how Sid ended his first rap battle (Which he won.): “They call me S-I-D. Don’t you dare forget my name / I’m the dude who straight-up put all you f*ckers to shame.”

(Oh, did I mention that he almost never strays away from profanity? LOL, classic Sid~. 😂)

Nico Meier - The Disser:

Stage Name: MC Clutch

Nico is one of the best rappers on this list (I could see him as a really good improviser.). I also think he’s also one of the fastest.

He can make up silly/fun rhymes if he’s just jamming out with his buddies, but hoooo boy he can be brutal when it comes to rap battles.

Heck, anyone will REGRET challenging this guy to a rap battle because he will lay out ALL THE DISS TRACKS. I guarantee that HE WILL ROAST YOU LIKE A MARSHMALLOW UNTIL YOU BURN (he is the 0.01% that Sid has yet to beat, LOL).

Besides completely annihilating his challengers at rap battles, Nico can write pretty decent rhymes if you give him enough time (because I don’t think he has the patience for that kind of thing: he’d rather just spit out whatever comes to his mind at the moment).

EXAMPLE: “You’re in a pickle? You’re stumped! Let’s let everybody know / That your flow is as slow as your bank account’s growth.” (BTW this was an example of one of Nico’s “nicer” roasts. I promise it gets worse: it’s just that I couldn’t think of anything more savage to say at the moment. 😅😂)

Byron Wagner - The Inspirational Rapper:

Stage Name: Star Lord (jkjk). His rapper name would probably just be BYRON (Yes, with all the caps.) because honestly, his name’s already cool enough to be a stage name. 😊

Byron’s okay at freestyling, but he prefers to prepare his raps ahead of time.

He would rap as if he was giving an important speech to his people. I’m not saying that his lines are boring and monotonous: he actually finds ways to connect to his audience (He’s basically the motivational speaker among the other rappers in this list.).

He also isn’t afraid to rap about touchy or controversial subjects, especially when they are relevant to whatever’s going on in his kingdom or in the world.

EXAMPLE: “Though tragedies like war and famine may never end / We must join hand-in-hand to keep the peace and make amends.” (Aaand this sounds like the conclusion to a Shakespearean tragedy. Whoops x2. xD)

Albert Burckhardt - The Rhymer:

Stage Name: Al the Poet

For a guy that loses his glasses quite often, he sure doesn’t lose his flow (LOL sorry, Al. 😂)! Albert’s actually pretty talented when it comes to freestyle rapping.

He’s really good at rhyming, but not just at the ends of his bars. Oh noooo, this guy can find rhymes almost ANYWHERE in his raps.

He really only stops freestyling when he thinks his raps get a little… umm… “out of hand” (Which is why he’d rather write down his lyrics than embarrass himself in a rap battle. 😅😂).

EXAMPLE: Al: “You know I’m gettin’ down to business when I put on my glasses / All these ladies are so fine, so I’ll compliment their - *record scratch*” Nico: “Ooo, Al was about to say something dirty~.” Al: *blushes madly* “No I wasn’t, you brat.” Nico: “Oh yeah? What were you gonna say?” Al: “… classiness.” *brusquely walks away* *locks himself in his room for three hours* 😅

Robert Branche - The Innovator:

Stage Name: DJ Robert

Robert treats rap music as an art: he’s the kind of person that acknowledges the genre as poetry.

Like Louis, Robert is a master lyricist. However, Robert’s raps are intriguing and unique, mostly because he ignores the “conventions” of rap. Like he doesn’t mind if a few words don’t rhyme or if the rhythm isn’t consistent throughout his song. Some people call it strange, other call it new and different, Robert calls it art.

Along with surprising his audience with his unique lyrics, Robert’s known for making (somewhat subtle) references towards his own life as a way to get his listeners emotionally invested into his songs (Yup. Robert’s an emotional rapper too.).

EXAMPLE: “The ruler of a country that doesn’t exist / Was a boy; was a son; was a king that won’t be missed.”

And here’s something a little extra for y’all:

The Princess of Wysteria - RAP GODDESS:

Stage Name: Queenie

There’s a reason she has that stage name…

And that is because….

SHE IS THE BEST RAPPER ON THIS LIST.

NOBODY CAN BEAT HER. NOPE.

TOO GOOD. TOO TALENTED.

MOVE ASIDE, BOYS: THE QUEEN IS HERE.

EXAMPLE: “Princess today, queen tomorrow. / Not even one of you fellows can suppress my flow.”

(Lmao, I couldn’t help myself, okay? 😂)

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missmichellebelle · 7 years

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so. um. hi.

I make a lot of these, don’t I? I make far more of them than I should. these... apology/update posts after I’ve fallen off the face of the planet… or internet, in this case. the funny thing about depression, and anxiety, is that something happens that triggers the depression, that makes you recede from everything and everyone you love without any rhyme or reason (at least as far as they can tell, and it usually takes me months to figure it out myself), but... it’s the anxiety that keeps you from coming back. that anxiety turns to guilt and to shame and it builds, until it becomes easier to ignore than to surmount.

to make a long story short, that’s what happened. my illnesses defeated me and they defeated me for a long time… but. I’m here. I guess that accounts for something. maybe.

but for the long story, well… this is for the people and friends I turned my back on. you never got an explanation and I dodged any attempts for one. this is far too late, but. it’s the new year, and I’m going to try this revolutionary thing where I stop running and I face the demons and destruction in my wake.

so if you decide to read it, thank you.

because I tend to be wordier than not, I’m going to fall back on my love of bullet point lists to get through this:

back in August, as massive depressive episode started to build when one of my roommates began to bully me out of our apartment. a lot of you were actually privy to this happening, and how much it upset me, but I don’t think anyone (myself included) recognized the signs. I should have.

in fact I even tried to do something about the rapid spiral I started to go down. I was finally going to talk to my older sister about school. maybe I could move back in with her. maybe, maybe, maybe—but I got too scared. so I continued to do nothing.

I got caught up in life. I tried to drown myself in work, in spending time with my friends. anything that meant I didn’t have to be at the apartment. before my laptop became unusable, I was already hardly using it, and in trying to escape from... I don’t even remember anymore. fear? emotional pain? I left responsibilities here untended. I tried, a few times, to rectify that. I just needed more time, I told myself. I cared about these things before, why did I suddenly not care about them now? but the gaps of time I needed became longer and longer, and the longer I didn’t come back, the more guilt that started to build inside me.

October... was very hard for me.

the hard drive crashed on my laptop. I thankfully had it backed up on an external, but... I did not have the money to fix it. at this point, I had been using it so infrequently that I struggled to get the money together to fix it. or to justify it. I don’t really use it, I told myself, and it felt a little like relief for a few moments because I no longer had to keep making excuses for why I was actively not using it.

my depression hit its peak. one of my coworkers that I loved and depended on quit, and I had a mental breakdown at work the days following. I don’t know if it was really about him leaving, or if it was just the thing that pushed me over the edge.

I pushed all my friends away.

the people I love here, the ones I abandoned, who loved me and I called friends. and I’ll say I abandoned you guys, because I did. I just stopped responding. and that guilt has weighed down on me severely. especially Keth and the EBB, I... don’t. I don’t have words for how angry I am with myself for having done that.

my roommates. not just the one, but all three. I became the elephant in the room, there was so much tension between all of us. I stopped speaking to them completely. I would come home late and then go to bed immediately. it got to the point where the friend who had once taken me in told me that if I didn’t stop treating her the way I had been, I would need to find somewhere else to go.

my coworkers. work became very difficult, especially when you’re being told that the entire team you supervise has lost respect for you. I felt stuck, and unmotivated, and I stopped caring and trying, and they all noticed. I became undependable at work, and I didn’t have the words for why. I felt like I was going to die there.

the worst damage I inflicted was on my best friend. he was right there in the trenches with me, and he took the brunt of it. he was the one who had to swallow all my lashing out, who had to grasp at straws trying to help me and always fail because there was never a right answer. he tried everything he had ever tried to help me through every depressive episode I’ve ever had that he’s helped me through before, and... nothing worked. the things we said to one another during that time, the ways we acted... the rift in our friendship is severe, and we’re working very steadily to repair it.

finally, everything plateaued. I hated everything in my life. I found joy in no one and nothing. even doing things like going to Disneyland were bland and empty to me. even spending a day with my best friend, something that usually brings me comfort and peace, made me more angry and desolate. I had pushed him to the very edge, and he... couldn’t do it anymore. he threatened the fate of our friendship if I didn’t do something, if I didn’t reach out for help. that it was killing him to watch me slowly kill myself.

two days later, I cried out my entire story to my older sister and her husband. they were the ones who took me in after my mom passed away and raised me from 16 onwards. and we made a plan. I would quit one of my jobs. I would move home. I would go back to school. it wasn’t too late to turn my life around and to start moving again. and that night, my best friend held me and I cried, but I smiled again and it felt real.

(whoo, okay, that’s—I haven’t done this yet. laid it all out. told the whole story. I’m a little emotional and wow lol what’s the point of the bullet points when it turns into a narrative anyway, right?)

since then, it’s been a bustle of registering for school, figuring out the classes I want to take, letting my roommates know I’ll be leaving, letting the job hate know that I’m at the very least stepping down to part-time. every day, there were a million things to do, but it helped draw me forward. I was still recovering.

and then, a week before Thanksgiving, my baby sister called me while I was working. my dad, who I had last seen after he’d had his leg amputated in June, who had been in assisted living, that I hadn’t even bothered to visit yet... had died.

for a brief, terrifying moment, everything crashed down around me again. I think maybe everyone I loved grabbed me and kept me from falling back again.

I’m still... it’s difficult. my father and I had a complicated relationship, and I’m still trying to process everything that’s happened. so I can talk about it and joke about it, because that doesn’t mean I have to think too hard on it, because I cry every time that I do.

it was in this time I kind of became a Christian, but, uh, that’s a long story and journey all in its own so I won’t get into it here. but it’s important enough that it warranted mentioning.

I feel like that leaves quite a gap. I spent the next month just... grieving. healing. figuring out how to be a person again.

we just spread my dad’s ashes the Friday before Christmas, because my two younger sisters live in New York and that was the only time we could. it was raining, and we each talked about our favorite memories, and what he had done for us, and it was... difficult, my mother’s ashes are in an urn on a bookcase at my older sister’s house, and I never had to say goodbye like that. I don’t know if I ever could. but we had nowhere to keep my dad (my older sister didn’t want him in her house—he’s her stepdad, and while she’s sad for me, there was no grief on her part) and so. we spread him.

and that brings me here. on the cusp of moving home, registered for classes that I start on January 10th (wow, 8 days, omg), healing in myself and in my relationships.

but I left this place. and my friends. and I knew I couldn’t move much further forward without at least taking a step to address one of the largest weights of regret I’ve carried these last 4 months.

there’s still a lot going on. my living situation is… complicated. my laptop works, but the keyboard does not (I’m typing this in its entirety on the Nook my friend bought me for Christmas/school). I’m still grieving my dad much harder than I thought I would. there was a crest of a moment when school was not going to happen at all. I haven’t written anything since September.

but I have a solid circle of friends. I’m speaking to and seeing my family regularly. I’m excited for classes. I knit a scarf. I watched and began obsessing over Yuri on Ice. I’m finding joy in things again that I lost before and… it’s. there isn’t a word to explain the combination of relief, happiness, and shock I feel. but I was so content and happy at one point on Christmas Eve that I nearly started crying.

I’m mending. and I hope I can find a space here for me again. I guess time will tell.

I hope you all have been well. I’m sorry for leaving you, for ignoring you. but thank you. because some of you still kept trying.

thank you for not giving up on me.

#michelle text post #i'm trying really hard not to say sorry as much but that is way more difficult than I imagined #i guess... i love you all #and thank you for everything #and wow these tags make this sound like a goodbye post that is not what this is but um okay i'm going to #breathe. i'm just going to breathe. i need to stop letting my anxiety get the better of me.

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