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steve0discusses · 3 years

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S5 Ep13: How to Get Away With Cheating in the Card Olympics

It’s been a little while since Pegasus made a card that screwed us years after it was developed...and so it’s time for it to happen again. Good ol Pegasus, screwing us all and not even knowing he’s doing it.

First off, it took me until this episode to realize that Leon and Zigfried are German and Leon is playing a Grimm Brother’s deck. I guess I didn’t notice before now because Leon was hiding his identity. But now that I know his deck is because he’s just German it’s like...well OK. That’s kind of cute. Better than that time they had the American play a deck filled with guns.

And that actually...fully explains why they are all dressed old timey. I didn’t pick up on it until just now...they’re referencing old ass fairy tales. But wtv, I still like my reaching theories of why Zigfried dresses like...that.

PS, my twitter just notified me that lots of people are getting a ‘Hime Haircut’, which is exactly the doo that Zigfried wears this season with the cropped side bangs. And like...are we sure? I see Kpop wearing it and Tik Tok kids wearing wigs but...I have yet to see a Hime in the wild. Course I haven’t gone outside in like a year so...maybe tens of thousands of people really did do a Hime Haircut during the Quarantine.

But, damn it, I decided to look at some photos, and a bunch of them looked pretty bad, but a couple looked pretty dope, and now I’m a little bit tempted to get a Hime...but I feel like it took a decade to get out of my bangs phase and like...Do I need two layers of bangs? I have naturally straight hair, I could do this, this haircut was made for me, but...

I just don’t know if I should get a haircut that looks like I’m an anime cosplayer when I can’t back it up. Nope. Cannot get this haircut. I know this haircut was made for teenagers or artists in their 30′s, and literally no one else, but no, this will be a mistake just like the side bangs I gave myself in 2006.

(looks over at scissors)

(read more under the cut)

(get it? Cut?)

Leon recalls that his brother very nicely gave him a card, and he’s so excited to finally do any activity involving his crazy ass family, that he just blindly does it.

This entire episode is about Yami not doing a hellscape when he witnesses cheating, and like...it is S5...it’s been a little while since anyone’s done a real good cheat on him, and he opened the door to darkness, and they got devoured by their own Tamagachi. It’s been a while.

And like the curse of Episode 13 was just a theory I had--but this particular Episode 13 is probably the most tame of all the 13′s (and yet, the most un-tame of this arc, which is a pretty chill arc, overall)

Yet...while this episode still fits in with their universe because the Kaiba’s are very proud so they can’t admit their duel disk has a flaw and therefore can’t forfeit the game, it kind of stretches the imagination a bit for the sake of the plot. Straight up we have a LOT of characters in this arc and they all just stood there and watched it happened.

It could have been also because this is like...televised...that no one wants to start throwing this little boy off the nearest blimp. I just wish that was addressed in the episode, other than “listen...Kaiba must allow this card to be played...or all his Duel Disks are lies.”

His Duel Disk almost caused the end of planet Earth a few weeks back, so I think it’s fine. I think this is a negligible problem to have when your disk shoots projectiles out of each end and has sharp folding edges in the shape of a blade--almost attempting to slice your face off every time you wave that thing around.

Yes, he’s trying to restore his reputation after the whole Dartz thing...but this is like...not that bad in the scale of things that have happened in the past several seasons. Maybe it’s just the last straw that broke the camels back here? One thing too far--’your disk played a broke card, Kaiba, I am pulling my investments and I refuse to go to your theme parks. I was here when you blew up that island. I was here when your company was literally bought out by the illluminati...but if that duel disk can’t play cards correctly--we’re done here.’ And TBH...that’s a very Yugioh mentality to have.

Like remember that time that Elon musk threw a brick at one of his new weird looking cars and the windshield cracked? But he was like “Oh...that was just a...listen the windshields don’t shatter, you saw nothing.” and still released the car anyway? Was kind of reminded of that.

Now...he didn’t actually go into the Dev room, we’ll go into how the hell he got this card, but first, a visit to the Kaiba Dev room.

OOOOOOooooooooh

That’s so bright!

It reminds me of how in the 90′s, the only real thing I knew to do on my computer was change the colors of the UI, so I just used the ugliest ass UI known to man for my family’s computers. I hope these computers have a mouse that leaves a tail behind and I hope that mouse is in the shape of a flying sparkling dragon.

Anyway, Duke speaks what’s on our minds:

Meanwhile, Pegasus, watching this happen over a glass of wine from inside his bathtub at Castle Pegasus, takes one very long sip while sinking into a pile of bubbles.

Seto at first is like “I literally own this tournament so thanks for losing? I don’t know why you threw it out into the trash but thanks?” But Zigfried pressured him so hard that everyone on Earth would judge his ass, and tried so hard to change the definition of what cheating even is, that Seto relented almost as if to shut Zigfried the hell up.

Zigfried explained that, technically, it’s still reads as a legal card on the disk and isn’t reaaally against the rules. Even though the rules say it’s against the rules--what are rules anyway?

Thankfully we have the King of “I dictate what the rules are AKA the rules of the universe, which I would show you, I just don’t feel like it right now, and I’m a little worried about opening that Pandora’s box, but I clearly know the rules of this card game, as stated on this Home Depot plaque that Seto gave me after I won the last tourney.”

Leon gets pretty upset about this--not so much screwing Seto Kaiba, but over the fact his brother stole his only chance at trying to beat Yugi Muto fair and square. So, trying to retain what little card honor he has left, Leon tries to self sabotage so everyone can just go the hell home.

OK so...do you think he put a floppy disk into the paper card? Like straight up how did he do that? Feel free to post your theories because like...how do you hack a paper card? Like do we even have a canon explanation of what these cards are or what they are made out of and how they theoretically work?

Anyway, now that they’ve spent a good portion of this episode discussing if this card should or should not be played, and the ethics and philosophy surrounding that, we find out that none of this matters because Zigfried was actually just stalling.

(He hacked the card so it had a virus like straight up how did he DO that without making a new card?)

Huh.

Y’all, what if I could just delete Google?

Can you imagine?

Like I know this is a kid’s show so it follows kid’s show logic and I will absolutely allow this ridiculous master plan and I will not question it, but think with me for a sec:

What if you could just delete Disney?

Damn. That’s some Y2K scare tactics propaganda right there. That’s some good YA dystopian fiction stuff.

Yo is Zigfried the good guy? He’s not, but if this were a YA novel he would be, right? Good on him.

I...do not know how the logic in Zigfried’s brain works, but if someone deleted all the files in my collaborators company and showed up at my front door and was like “I heard you were looking for a new collaborator?” I’d stick him face first into a blank paper card.

Which is, logically, the next step to Zigfried’s plan that no one has bothered to tell him yet. You just don’t mess with Pegasus, especially after all the stuff he went though with getting murdered by Mai, and Dartz showing up, he’d be so pissed right now. He might not be technically magical anymore--but it’s clear after last season that he’s still magical enough. This is a man who’s let out into the wild maybe a couple of scary cards--but hell knows how many are buried in his huge ass castle just waiting to do a murder.

This is just Zigfried hassling a hornet and the hornets nest is like...right there.

And so next episode we are going to...destroy the card? Hell, next episode might be entirely a card game and I might only have 2 caps.

Anyway, just letting you know that I typed this last night, and then had dreams that I got a Hime Haircut and hella loved it, woke up at 5:30 AM thinking about that haircut, and have since been just...

...I mean I shouldn’t do it...I cannot give myself unironic Von Schroeder hair...

...

...but what if it’s dope though?

(and here’s the link to read these from the beginning in chrono order from S1. Wish I categorized in seasons but alas I did not have that forsight back when I thought there were only 3 seasons of Yugioh total. I have since learned.)

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

#yugioh #YGO #yu gi oh #episode recap #photo recap #S5 #Ep13 #Yugi Muto #leon von schroeder #zigfried von schroeder #seto kaiba #grandpa muto #mokuba kaiba #and literally everyone else who stood there and just watched it happen #Just thinking about how one hacks a card and I feel like that's totally possible but how though?

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wish-i-wasnt-a-coward · 3 years

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Everything and Nothing

Princes move to a town in Florida, Roman is gay, Pat is cute, Logan is a dork, Virgil is angsty, Remus is chaos, and Janus is an icon. <3

Part 1, Part 2 , Part 3, Part 4

Pairings: eventual LAMP (slowburn) Eventual Demus

Warnings: cursing, mention of food, mention of violence, and yelling (not angry) let me know if I missed anything

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Roman Prince was no coward. He had bested many a foe, won and lost fights, shopped in the women's section whilst being given the evil eye, and most frighteningly, in Romans opinion, shared a room with her twin. However, she would be lying if he said that he wasn't terrified.

Now, this wasn't his fault at all. She hadn't told her brother to attack the kid, she had nothing to do with the fight at all. Despite her lack of involvement, the principal of the academy the twins went to thought it was best that the Princes no longer attended his school.

Roman’s parents had been fairly understanding. And, after Remus explained why he had attacked the kid to their parents. They decided it was for the best if the whole family moved.

So here she was, sitting amongst towers of boxes in a small orange room. There was only one window and a creaky pull-out bed which roman immediately threw himself onto as soon as she entered the room. He groaned loudly pulling out his phone. It had been the longest day in the history of days, there was no way that he was going to be unpacking for a long ass time.

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After a few hours of scrolling through the corvidcore tag on tumblr, Roman dragged herself off the lumpy mattress. He stretched and popped his back in a very satisfying manner. ‘It's about time I did some exploration’ she thought to herself.

“MA! I’M GOING OUT” Roman yelled down the stairs as he grabbed his docs. “K, BE BACK BEFORE 8:30!” her Ma yelled back, shooting him a thumbs up from the couch where she played cards with Remus, and Romans Ren. He nodded to her on his way out the front door.

It was a cool spring evening (as cool as it can be in Florida), moss hung from the green trees, birds screeched and twittered at each other from branches. A gentle breeze blew causing her red trench coat to flap behind her. Her docs scuffed against the sidewalk as he took a deep breath of the humid air.

The perfect time for a walk. All he needed now was a destination.

And it certainly didn't take long to find one. After around 8 minutes of walking through the town, he found a small shopping district. Taking careful note of the many thrift stores and the small pastel bookstore for himself as well as a leather and tattoo shop and for Remus.

It was difficult to not go into all the stores at once (especially one that had the most fantastic button-down dress in the window) but Roman kept walking.

Finally Roman decided on a destination. A hole in the wall cafe called the jasmine dragon had caught his eye (had Roman heard that name before?). A sweet tinkling was heard as roman opened the door, a cheery voice in the back could be heard over gentle music playing through the sound system, the song was nostalgic and sweet. Roman was almost sure he had listened to it previously, something about being able to love. The shop was almost empty save for an old couple and….. Oh god. Roman was so gay.

Across the room leaned up against the cash register joking with the cashier was the cutest person Roman had ever seen in her 15 years on the earth.

It felt like something out of a shitty fanfiction, his mouth went dry, the world spun and all he could see were those smiling blue eyes.

Suddenly those piercing eyes were on him. “Hello!!! I don’t think I’ve seen you around, are you new in town”. The person said as they walked towards her. ‘Sweet apollo, why has tho made me such a disaster gay’ roman thought to himself.

He shook off his awestruck expression and did what she did best, acted. “Indeed I am a lovely stranger. My name is Roman, what are your name and pronouns?” the person giggled (oh god roman was so gayyyyyy “I’m Patton, my pronouns are he/they today, thank you for asking! What are yours?”

‘Eeeeee he's not straight’ screamed Roman in her head. “It is beyond lovely to meet you, Patton, my pronouns are she/him” Roman grinned down at the curly-headed person. Taking a moment to admire the beautiful being in front of her. Their blond hair was dyed light blue at the tips causing his fluffy hair to look like a halo, they wore a blue skirt that hooked over his shoulders and a short sleeve white button-down with little dog and cat faces. What looked like potatoes hung from his ears and clinked into their large circular glasses, tasteful makeup adorned his cheerful face, but not enough to hide the smattering of freckles that covered his cheeks.

“Can I have your number?” the person Roman had most likely just been staring at blurted out. She jolted a bit, shocked by their sudden proclamation. “You seem very cool and I would love to be your friend. You can say no, of course, oh my gosh I’msorryifImadeyouuncom-” the blond hastily corrected, realizing what he had said. However, they were quickly cut off by the taller figure in front of them, “Of course you can have my number! You also seem very cool and I would love it if we could be friends” Roman said excitedly.

Patton grinned and handed her their phone. Roman handed them his phone and looked down at the baby blue case. It seemed that they had a thing for color coordination. Dope, Roman could respect that.

Roman being the gentleperson she of course offered to buy Patton a cup of tea and the pair sat down in a booth striking conversations about everything and nothing all at once.

#sander sides fanfiction #sander sides #Royality #Patton sanders #Roman Sanders #Everything and Nothing #LAMP #demus #ts royality #ts roman #ts patton #tss #my writing #ts lamp #dukeceit

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nodesiretogrowup · 5 years

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That episode was ADORABLE!!! spoiler-y thoughts below:

It was cute seeing Team Magic together, even if it was only for a few seconds. I’m gonna pretend that they were fighting Launchpad’s wereduck ex.

Would really love to see a Dewey-Beakley episode now.

“I mean, this is very wrong, but it’s not this either.” Don’t be a hater, Scrooge. I’m surprised Huey hasn’t made himself a costume like Della has. More mother/son bonding in the future?

Goldie is a BOSS ASS BITCH and I LOVE HER.

Louie is already being adorable. I love my green son.

Louie has to stay on brand. He knows who he is.

Goldie is WORKING that necklace.

“Don’t let her get too close.” I wonder if that will come up in future episodes.

“HOW DID THIS GO SO WRONG SO QUICKLY?!” #youtried

“You gotta get close.” And theeeereeees the conflict of the episode.

“I’ll have you know I’m the evil triplet!” “Suuuure, you’re the scariest bunny in the pet shop.” I love their dynamic already.

I think there was some sincerity in Louie’s ploy. He does know feel like he’s not as good as the rest of his family.

“You know your cons.” I think you might be genuinely impressed there, Goldie.

“So you’ll teach me?!” The kid just wants a mentor he can relate to.

Poor Louie. The kid is legit TERRIFIED of Doofus. Was that invitation actually gold?

Della, you do need to sleep.

Of course Huey has a different version of epic. My sweet nerdy son. I wonder if Fenton plays this game too. It seems up his alley.

Love the art style of the game and cyborg Della.

Princess Username and the Heartthrob Goblin. I feel like Della had a crush on both of them. Though NOTHING can beat Princess Unattainabelle.

“The impractically giant weapons, the high stakes adventures!” I’m siding with Della on this one. Big weapons=Big fun

“The whole village won’t have turnips this season” I highly doubt that is part of the game.

YAY LAZORS!

Doofus’ party looks pretty dope, not gonna lie.

My poor baby Louie. I love that he and Goldie’s outfits kind of clash. Louie is dressed to the 9s while Goldie is super casual. Possible foreshadowing of the two not being on the same page?

“Not full of hair.” WHY IS THIS CHILD LIKE THIS?!

I love that Goldie and Louie can just look at a pile of loot and know exactly how much it’s worth. Even Goldie looked impressed.

“Guhmeemama.” That’s...upsetting.

“Can’t wait to tell my therapist about it when I’m older.” HELP THIS POOR CHILD.

“No, that’s just being a bad party guest.” Lessons in etiquette from Goldie.

“Also I don’t know yet.” Honesty, I can respect that.

Perfect widdle angel? Is Gideon around? (Two Gravity Fall references. I’m on a roll.)

SERIOUSLY, THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS KID?!

“Hellowen, Llewellyn.” BURN THE CHILD!

I like the Goldie saved Louie from falling in the pool. She’s already attached even if she won’t admit it.

“The only parent I’ve even known.” “Why does he hurt me?” “You know why.” THE FLYING FUCK IS UP WITH THIS FAMILY?!

WHY IS DOOFUS SO UPSETTING?

Wow Goldie, that was harsh.

Percival P. Peppinton. A.) that name is AMAZING B.) digging the Willy Wonka look.

“Hey, I got range!” Johnny is too cute.

The honey bin. Yikes.

Hey, the Beagle Boys are a legit family, even if their mom wasn’t actually there!

Sharkbomb. Just beautiful. I think Glomgold has some issues to work out.

“Super young aunt.”

Digging Mark’s casual outfit.

Boyd is BABY AND MUST BE PROTECTED.

I saw that Goofy Movie reference. And the Flounder hat.

I love that Mark has a phone charm of himself. Sidenote, I miss phone charms.

I wish Glomgold had covered my eyes too. CANNOT UNSEE.

Glomgold’s pics are GREAT. I feel like he’s had those for awhile, just incase.

Quick thinking Louie ftw!

That hug was TOO CUTE. Louie really NAILS affectionate gestures.

Louie is as...photogenic as his Dadnld.

“POOL TIME.” I had the same reaction as everyone else.

Impressed Goldie is impressed.

Oh Glomgold, you keep doing you.

I get you Huey.

“THE DUKE OF DESTRUCTION!” The crew really likes dukes.

A WILD LAUNCHPAD APPEARS.

“I’M THE MASTER OF THE SKY!” I love that the dragon looks like the Sunchaser/Cloudslayer. It’s the little details.

“I’M SURPRISING MYSELF, THIS IS AMAZING!” LAUNCHPAD IS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE HIM.

“What a great life lesson!” Solid parenting. Anyone else want to see Launchpad and Della play this together. I mean, what better way to bond than playing video games together (that aren’t Mario Kart or Smash Bros)?

“WOO, JETPACKS!” SERIOUSLY, the two of them would get along SO WELL.

Doofus confirmed for masochist on top of sadist.

Did the invite say to bring bathing suits? Also, Goldie is looking FINE in that gold one piece.

Glomgold, are you...ok? Do you ALSO have daddy issues?

God I love Goldie and Louie bonding.

Notice how Boyd never touches the water? Love that he keeps the bowtie on. And again, BOYD IS BABY.

Goldie is DUMMY THICC

“The greatest adventure of all-waiting.” Oh sweetie.

Della, you should chill on the whole danger thing.

“Every journey begins with a single step.”That’s much better.

THAT IS WHY I NEVER LET MY GUARD DOWN!

“I SHOULD NEVER TRY ANYTHING NEW!” I feel ya.

HE’S A PINBALL WIZARD!

DO NOT TOUCH MY BABY BOYD!

“Beaks would NEVER miss out on that sweet clickbait.” “Click-what now?”

Aren’t acronyms fun?

“Do you know how many evil robots I’ve face? *nervous laughter* Too many.” OH MY SWEET CHILD!”

POOR BOYD! That legit made me sad. LET HIM BE A REAL BOY!

BUTLER DAD OUT!

“DO NOT PEER behind the curtain of reality, bud.” That’s a great line.

THIS POOR KID IS HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS! HELP HIM!

Butler Dad, noping out again.

Louie looked legit sad about what happened. He’s a good boi.

“I’m gonna need a really big bag of rice.” YOU DON’T DESERVE BOYD.

Money, Money, Money. I’d like to play that game.

LOUIE JUST WANTS SOMEONE HE CAN CONNECT WITH! I’m kind of hoping it ends up being Donald or Della that fills that role for him.

“I swore after last year no one’s EYES WOULD MELT OUT OF THERE HEADS.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Et tu, Goldie?

They really are two peas in a pod. I bet she would have ended up giving Louie a cut.

“Hi, I’m BOYD a DEFINITELY real boy, and I’m going to DESTROY YOU.”

“YOU’RE A REAL, SWEET, KIND BOY, I SWEAR!” No arguments here.

Someone is concerned for Louie’s well-being.

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD!

I legit want Louie and Boyd to become friends.

Aw Goldie, you DO CARE!

NOT RIGHT.

DELLA LOVES HER BABIES!

“IT’S OVER 9000!” You can NEVER go wrong with a Dragon Ball reference.

SUPER SAIYAN HUEY!

“Well, at least he’s out of his comfort zone.” You might have created a monster there, Della. At least he’s getting out his aggression in a safe and health manner.

Louie could never truly be a conman, he cares about others too much to let them take the fall. And that is noble of him.

Goldie is BRUTAL.

SUPERHERO LANDING!

Louie understands the power of family.

“YOU SENTIMENTAL TOASTER.” Burn?

Yay for Doofus’ parents standing up to him! THAT’S THE POWER OF BOYD!

“I’m...free.” THIS MAN NEEDS THERAPY, STAT.

“YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP.” It’s ALWAYS the quiet ones.

“I’d say you get used to it, but that would be a lie.” The words of a man who has had his heart broken.

LET LOUIE FIND A FRIEND/MENTOR!

THE PHOTOS! GOLDIE DOES HAVE A HEART!

#ducktales #dt spoilers

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callunavulgari · 4 years

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Year-In-Life | 2019

Or that annual New Year’s meme about yours truly.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? Had abdominal surgery! I spent most of April either doped up or unconscious. Long story short, I had an ovarian cyst that they thought was twice as big as my fist. So they fast-tracked me to surgery, and discovered that while I did have an ovarian cyst that was pretty large, most of the issue was that my bowel had fused to my uterine wall. Or was it abdominal wall? Either way, my bowel was glued to where it shouldn’t be and very angry because it had a fairly large pre-cancerous polyp in it. Which I found out a week after the abdominal surgery, when I had to have a colonoscopy. Which leads me to...

Had to do three different bowel preps in less than a month! It’s really not fun, guys. But, I got a cyst removed, a polyp removed, a metric fuckton of endo removed, and got my bowel back where it should be. Also, they confirmed that I can have babies! Which I didn’t know I was so fucked up about until I started crying about it post surgery.

Oh, also I peed in a bedpan. That’s also something I’ve never done before. And and and, been sick on Christmas! - Adding Tanya later in this post means I remembered something else I’d never done before - jumped into a pool fully dressed. Then became... no longer dressed.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Still don’t remember what my resolution was which- hey, 2020 Heather! Your 2019 resolution is to legitimately lose weight (she says while eating cotton candy ice cream out of the tub) and quit smoking again. Also, maybe be engaged. But mostly, the weight and the smoking thing.

As for 2019 resolutions- I can guess what they were, which probably boiled down to losing weight. I put on about 20 pounds after surgery and haven’t lost it, because shocker, abdominal surgery really fucks with your core strength. Pretty sure there was something in there about reading 100 books (done), beating 4 games (done), and write something original (done? technically?) and/or novel-length (negative).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? High school people and a few old coworkers. Nick’s cousin and his wife just had their third kid though. I think it may have actually happened on Christmas. 4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? No countries. Went to North Carolina for our possible last beach vacation. In January we’re going to Vegas for our friend’s wedding, which will be interesting. They’re getting married on a ferris wheel by an Elvis impersonator. May also go to Maine this year, but not sure yet because I only have a certain amount of vacation time.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? Didn’t get a ring, yet. But we’ll see. We also didn’t get the house yet, so lets recycle those wants! Also, while we’re shooting big here, how about a better goddamn president?

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Started my second big girl job on November 18th. Had surgery on April 12th. Not a whole lot else stands out. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Got a new job! With more money and more responsibility and will look really good on a resume! Didn’t kill myself? Which sounds pretty morbid, but I had a lot of pain in my life earlier in the year.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not... losing... weight? Because I really need to do that. The heartburn bullshit will likely go away. The sleep apnea thing will likely go away. Your health in general will improve. And you don’t even like food that much anyway! 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I think I’ve had the flu twice this year and again, abdominal surgery, so yes. 11. What was the best thing you bought? I got nice clothes? Most of the other shit has been knick-knacks. I got more books. A new bookshelf! 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I don’t know. Mine, I guess. I mean, 2019 wasn’t the worst, but it definitely has not been great. 13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? I have a friend. Let’s call her Amanda. Yeah, her. She’s blown us off a lot this year, which really sucks. The rest of it is her own decisions that only affect us because it’s inevitably going to affect her in a terrible way, but the blowing us off and only using us as passes for free food and ways to do her laundry really sucks.

14. Where did most of your money go? Surgery! My OOP may have been met in April, but the surgery itself was $48,000. I’ve only had to pay about $6,000 because my OOP was 5k, but that still hurts. And my dental sucks, which means I paid out of my ass to fix my teeth. Also, I bought way too many clothes and books. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I do still appreciate having a job with decent money. The new job will have insurance after my 90 day probation period (yeah, because you can’t have health care for 3 months even if you work in health care because you’re new). I’m glad that I caught the polyp before it became cancerous. I was happy I could have babies. I got excited about the new His Dark Materials series and The Witcher series and Kingdom Hearts 3 and God of War, and probably at least a couple other fandom things.

16. What song will always remind you of 2019? Face My Fears. Curse of the I-5 Corridor. Hadestown soundtrack. Transistor soundtrack. Wasteland, Baby! album. Billie Eilish in general. Lark of My Heart. But mostly, Face My Fears and Don’t Think Twice. 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Sadder, probably? 2019 wasn’t great. ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter. iii. richer or poorer? Technically probably on par with where I was last year? I didn’t save quite as much as I wanted to with the surgery happening. Also, my car needed some pricey repairs this year. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I do wish I’d written more this year, but I wrote a lot in October. Possibly more than the last two years combined, which was nice. And I read a lot. I kind of wish I slept more. Or ate better. Or worked out more. I’m just really tired this year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spent less time with doctors? But I mean, taking care of myself is good and I’ve never had that option before.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent it mostly sleeping. We got a bug that was either a really bad cold or a flu, so I’ve spent the last week generally shitty and sweaty and tired. First year that we haven’t been able to do Christmas basically at all. But we spent the hours between 6pm on Christmas Eve and 10am Christmas morning have the most restless goddamn sleep in the world and then opened presents and watched Love Actually and some television (the last two episodes of the Witcher!) while kind of napping on the couch, and ordered Chinese because it was hungry and the only thing open. 21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? Think I’m going to make the pirozki on Sunday, and then we’re doing a gift exchange with some of our friends at his mom’s house. 22. Did you fall in love in 2019? Eh. Still love him. 23. Best month for you this year? Clearly me having a good 2018 while everyone else had a shitty one guaranteed 2019 to be shit, because I honestly don’t fucking know. October was nice. So was August. But fuck most of the rest of it.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2019? Russian Doll, Glow, The Dragon Prince, Good Omens, Schitt’s Creek, The Terror, Chernobyl, Buzzfeed Unsolved, She-Ra, His Dark Materials, The Witcher... 2019 may have been a meh year, but it had some good shows. Of those, I think my favorite was probably either The Witcher or Good Omens, with His Dark Materials, Russian Doll, and The Terror tying for third. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Eh.

26. What was the best book you read? Red, White, & Royal Blue was probably my favorite. I also read Sanderson’s books this year though, which were also absolutely amazing. Mistborn and The Stormlight Archive were wonderful. It was a pretty great year for books too. Books and TV, well done 2019. Middlegame, The Ninth Gate, a lot of rereads. Best one was still Red, White, & Royal Blue though. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Do Utada Hikaru’s new Kingdom Hearts anthems count? Because Spanish Sahara by Foals, Obstacles by Syd Matters, the new Hozier album, and the Hadestown soundtrack were all wonderful musical discoveries. 28. What did you want and got? I don’t know. New clothes? A laptop? Confirmation that my ovaries work?

29. What did you want but didn’t get? Well, I lost the bet with Brandon. No ring by the end of 2019. No kids, either, but we aren’t quite there yet. No house. No perfect health? Is that a thing?

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I liked Into the Spiderverse a lot. Detective Pikachu. Rocketman.Frozen 2. Endgame was all right. I didn’t hate the new Star Wars. Toy Story 4. IT. It wasn’t a super great movie year for me.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? The big 3-0. It was all right. The night before we went to Fujiyamas with a couple of our friends, then on my birthday we had breakfast at First Watch, did some Christmas shopping, and went to the Zoo Lights a little after 5. Froze to death because it was snowing and shocker, when snow melts you get wet, but it was nice. Then had a late dinner at Mackenzie River, because it was one of the only places still open and close to our place.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Hah! A better president and a ring is the only thing that I didn’t get from my wishes last year. ----Hmmmmm 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? I did not give up and buys Scrubs. Instead I have a perhaps slightly oversized work appropriate selection of jeans (for Fridays), work slacks, blouses/sweaters, dresses, and skirts. I spent a little too much on clothes this year. I blame discovering Torrid. 34. What kept you sane? Reading was really, really great this year. - STILL leaving this answer, three years running! 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? David Tenant made a shocking comeback after Good Omens aired. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 20156789. —– Ayyyyy, this was my response from last year, and apparently also the year before and the one before! Hello past me’s, don’t worry, it’s still getting worse. 37. Who did you miss? Myself. Also, my brother, who is still in jail almost a year later and still no fucking trial. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I don’t know. Oh! I do know! I really like Tanya.

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: Tanya is awesome and pretty and fun and possibly at least a little bit crazy, but we all fucking are, come on. She got to come with us on vacation this year and it really made it interesting. Also, Shay and Alicia. I knew them last year, but got to know them pretty well this year.

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year:

Took this one about 20 minutes after midnight on January 1st, 2019 after my first successful round of Battleshots. The hat went to the winner. It is not the most flattering picture, because I had been drinking already before I had to take four shots of Satan’s cinnamon liquor.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year:

Taken on my birthday, at the zoo. Again, snow melts.

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Not sure? There’s not a whole lot of new food we haven’t tried. One of the pharmacists brought in some authentic Indian food for one of the potlucks we had and I don’t remember what it was called but it had rice and eggs and was amazing.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? I don’t know. We saw both Hamilton and Les Mis this year and they both reduced me to tears. I also had some good moments with books and tv shows I watched with Nick.

44. What are you excited for next year? There’s a couple new books. The election. Some tv shows, I think? Games? I don’t know, man. I’m trying not to come off as horribly depressed but I am kind of pretty depressed and nobody will ever know because the only person who ever gets this far into reading these things is me, so- hello 2020 me, you were really sad on December 26th 2019 and honestly for most of the year, so I sure hope 2020 is the year that we fucking seize life by the horns or however that saying goes.

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: I feel like my message from last year is fucking taunting me. Legit though, this is not the worst thing you’ve ever been through. You have a boyfriend who loves you, two wonderful cats that better not fucking die anytime soon, and like, I don’t know, working ovaries. A job. A car. An apartment that has a kind of shitty kitchen and a bath tub that might as well not exist, but is still an apartment! Which is more than some people have!

I guess my message from last year (it gets better) is in almost direct opposition of this year, which is basically: it could always be worse. 46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Feed me sunlight, feed me air In a place where nothing matters Feed me truth and feed me prayer

(seriously, deliriously happy 2018 me quoting singin’ in the rain is taunting me wtf)

First Fandom of 2019: January of 2019 was pretty solidly Detroit Become Human. It hit me hard. Favorite Main Character of 2019: Jonathan Sims. I was a slut for the Archivist in 2019. Favorite Villain of 2019: Elias from The Magnus Archives, maybe? My only other response would be.. dun dun dun, Ben Solo aka Kylo Ron or whatever Favorite M/F Couple of 2019: I... am back on my Reylo bullshit. Favorite F/F Couple of 2019: Can I say Villanelle and Eve even if I didn’t really dip into the fandom? No? Okay, Catra and Adora. Favorite M/M Couple of 2019: Okay, so the three that got me this year was Hank/Connor, Jon/Martin, and Ryan/Shane. Fandom That You Never Expected To Get Into: Um, Buzzfeed Unsolved. Never would have guessed that one. Also like, while I would have expected Detroit Become Human I never would have guessed my favorite ship. Fandom That Made An Unexpected Comeback: Sigh. Twas that Reylo smacking me in the face at the tail end of 2019. Fandom That Inspired The Most Crack: Insert shrug? I read a weird Buzzfeed Unsolved fic above Mothman giving the guys sharable dreams (that were sometimes weird and sometimes sexy) until they boned. Last Fandom of 2019: Sighing again. Reylo. Though Yuletide has made it so I’ve read a lot of Queen’s Thief stuff. Favorite Fandom of 2019: I think that Buzzfeed Unsolved was my favorite purely from a fic standpoint, but Detroit Become Human and The Magnus Archives were both really great too.

#heather says what #2019 #new year's memes #selfie tag?

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havocinthebluebox · 4 years

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Because we are confined and I AM A BAD BITCH, I'm asking you... All the Fairy tale inspired ask game. ALL !

Bitch, are you kidding me ?! XD

Well : LET’S FUCKIN DO THIS

Which item would tempt you most? A golden comb, an embroidered belt or a gleaming red apple?The gleaming red apple !

You know the Faerie Queen is holding her ball at dawn. What dress do you wear to seduce her? (Description or photo)Dear, you know I am subtle and everything ! So, if I really want to seduce her I am not going to wear anything but a lacey long black nightgown underneath a black velvet cape.

Are you more the type to cut off your braid and wear an armour to save your princess or the type to give up your royal privileges to run away with your beloved maid?Wearing and armour sounds dope but I don’t give a shit about royal privileges so, yep : I run away scandalously with the maid !

When picking a suitor, would you test their wit, their intelligence or their kindness? (Bonus: how?)Already answered : kindness !

You’re send out to save your kingdom from a cruel king. The journey will lead you through dangerous woods and unknown lands - what do you pack in your rucksack? Which animals would you ask to aid you on your journey?Enough emergency rations to begin with (falling from hypoglycemia in front of the evil king is the last thing I want !), bivouac kit, an enchanted map, magic potions and my tarot cards. I’d ask the crows to aid me, be my sentinels and messengers !

What stayed with you most from the fairytales you enjoyed as a child? Can be a quote, a detail, a character, a moral or a whole story ark.I discovered classical european fairytales later in my life. I’d say myths and legends had more influence on me as a child. Greek myth to be more precise, with the story of Asterion and the labyrinth.

They’re all awful, but - in which castle would you rather be imprisoned? A castle filled with your loved ones in deathly slumber and surrounded by rose hedges - a glass castle at the end of the world, threatened by the cruel coldness of sun and moon who hunger for human flesh - a castle with a beautiful garden where every path leads to the same secret chamber dripping in blood? Why?Honestly ? I don’t know why, but the glass castle at the end of the world sounds like a description of an Emperor album cover art to me. Sounds thrilling to me. Maybe I can observe the sun and moon, understand some dark untold secrets about the universe, master these secrets partially or entirely and put them into my magical craft.

What poem would a kind-hearted mortal have to recite to entice you into revealing yourself to them?La Belle Dame Sans Merci by Keats

At the faerie banquet - which food entices you to break the rule of never touching what faeries prepare to eat?I love food so much, it’s not hard to lure me with food XD. Probably some kind of faerie-made pastry or liquor !

A horrific beast has locked you in their castle. What character trait of theirs would sway you to look beyond that gruesome face and, eventually, make you fall in love?I mean, it’s not like I could easily fall in love with some nightmarish creature… (to all people that are passing by : if you are a vampire, a werewolf or another kind of creature, I am single and my DMs are open !). They know what it feels like to be rejected for what they are at core and can’t change so they never want to inflict that upon others. Plus they love books, have a big ass library so, I am not leaving this place before I have read all the books and finally, we read together XD.

As part of the Fae folk - What name would you tell mortals if they tried to find out yours?Annwyn

Would you rather live in the cool-glittering depths of the sea, the fragrant-green meadows or the pine-dark, blackberry-scented woods? Why?I’d rather live in the depths of the sea. I love water, I love the sea and I feel at home when I swim in it.

You’re a dragon. What do you hoard?Books ! Toi même tu sais !

You’re a witch. What is the first spell you learn?Some elemental magic using water - nooo, not how to turn it into wine ! - more like water bending !

Which painting best describes what your personal fairytale would look, feel, taste like?

La Nymphe de la Lune by Luis Ricardo Falero

A cruel king asks to marry you. Which three impossible dresses do you ask for in exchange for your hand?- A dress weaved with the very essence of dreams.- A ballgown embroidered with stars and nebulas.- Medusa’s head (so I can wear it as a breasplate on a full suit of armor. The dude better behave cause I’m gonna kick his lame ass if he tries to pull some trick on me.), good luck with this one cruel king !

Which magical item would you want to own - A magic mirror, a heart-shaped book or a golden key?A heart-shaped book. Beacause book !

Which would be worse for you - if a loved one got transformed into a fawn and was thus vulnerable and mute, or if a splinter of a devilish mirror fell into their eye and made them cold and unfeelingMetamorphosis is a brutal and cruel change but at least they could still feel things, even on a whole different scale of reality. I feel like them becoming cold and unfeeling would be worse.

What scent would fill the air to hint that you’re near?Already answered : flowers, bergamot and pastries are my signature scent !

You leave the safety of your family’s home and go brave the dangers and adventures of the world. What do you seek - Love, Self-Fulfillment or Glory? Self-fulfillment !

I spent far too long time on this XD. But it was really fun, some very interesting questions. Thank you ! (I’ll have my revenge some day, be prepared !)

#ask #fairy tale ask #tasha-lemon

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amememightywarrior · 6 years

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[fanfic] The Echo, chapter 2

In which Ameme spends a whole day in Coerthas running errands and discovering she’s crazy.

Trigger warnings: needless slaughter of wildlife, really terrible art

I awoke the next morning to the soft noises of chocobos scratching at the straw in their stalls. I rolled over and grimaced as the sharp ends of the straw pile serving as my bed poked me in the cheek. The thick fur blanket I had found among my supplies covered my body completely, and once I poked my fingers out of its safety, I was inclined to keep it that way. It was absolutely freezing outside.

“Kweh! Kweh!” cried one of the chocobos.

A soft male voice addressed it with amusement. “You're awake, I take it? Shh, there are people sleeping in the barn still...”

I scootched the blanket's edge around until I could see. Adventurer lodging was the best in Camp Dragonhead: the loft area in the stables. We got the softest straw—there was only one softness—and it was surprisingly warm, but I could still see my breath as I peered into the early morning gloom. I was at the edge of the loft, so I could see a silver-haired Elezen man stroking the head of the only black chocobo there. If I had to guess, the man must have been the lord in charge of the camp, Haurchefant. His voice seemed much lower, though. Soothing, really. I watched sleepily as he fed the chocobo a treat, saddled it, and walked it out of the barn. Morning ride, I thought.

Goobbue rolled over with a sigh. “Wish he'd talk like that all the time,” she said. “Can you imagine that voice in your ear—”

“Thal's balls, Goobbue, shut up,” Essenta groused. “Soluvrain not paying you enough attention or something?”

There was a grunt at the other end of the loft. Soluvrain evidently did not think much of that comment. Goobbue said, “A girl can appreciate a nice voice, that's all I'm saying!”

“Sounds more like you're about to start trying to climb the wrong tree, if you know what I mean.”

“Essenta...”

Essenta threw her thin pillow at Goobbue. “Don't Essenta me! Oi, Ameme. Word to the wise: Don't even try to touch any of the Ishgardians round here. If they don't think you're some exotic animal, then they've got enough baggage to sink a barge. Lord Haurchefant's no exception. He might act like yer the most delightful thing he's ever seen, but that's as far as you'll want to get. Trust me, it ain't worth it.”

The floorboards creaked as Moonlight River sat up. “All right, that's enough listening to girl talk,” he said. “Breakfast and morning exercises, anyone? That'll be the warmest we'll be 'til lunch time.”

I couldn't have agreed more, since I had next to no interest in anyone that way even if that was allegedly the entire reason I had traveled back in time. With much yawning, I got dressed under my blanket. One of my sleeves was home to a guest. Midgardsormr nearly gave me a heart attack when he chomped on my fingers as I stuck my arm through. I shoved him out the other end and judged him silently with my eyes. He huffed and faded from view. My fingers throbbed. He'd left a neat arc of red indentations, the little bastard, but at least he hadn't broken skin. The thick hem of my sleeves hid my fingers easily enough. I left the warm refuge of my blanket and packed all my things neatly to stow in the corner. The others were gone by the time I finished getting dressed.

The chocobos warked at me in a friendly fashion as I slid down the ladder. They were a well-trained bunch, these birds, but they were slightly intimidating as a group just because most were meant for Elezen riders. They towered over me. The two at the end of the row were the absolute sweetest birds, though. They put their heads over the stall doors for beak rubs and I obliged.

I wandered around Camp Dragonhead in confusion after breakfast until I spotted several late knights running into what I had dubbed the strategy room, where the lord's desk sat. I followed them and found the room filled with shirtless men and women wearing thin cotton tabards to preserve modesty. My adventuring compatriots were similarly clad and shivering. It looked like every single knight on day shift was in here.

“Ameme!” Goobbue called, waving at me. “C'mere! We're about to get started. You might want to ditch the fur.”

As I shed my warmest layers, Haurchefant bounded into the room. I could almost feel the enthusiasm radiating off him as he pulled off his haubergeon. “Attention!” he shouted. The knights snapped upright and saluted him in unison. The adventurers were rather more lackadaisical about it. I stood there like a dope. Goobbue nudged me until I clumsily copied everyone else. Haurchefant took no notice. “Good morn to all of you!” he said. “I've the most delightful tidings! The latest shipment of coffee beans has arrived and a fresh batch of coffee is brewing as we speak.” He beamed as the knights made pleased noises. “Of course, nothing wakes the body up more than exercise,” he added. “Squats, three sets!”

I didn't know what a set was, so I decided to just copy Goobbue until she stopped. Haurchefant joined the ranks of the knights with great excitement. Since I was just behind the end of the knights, he ended up in front of me. I found myself staring at his back muscles as he swung his arms back and forth. It was a good thing he had a thick skirt on, otherwise I would've also been staring at his ass, too. That would've been inappropriate and not a little weird.

Goobbue completed her squats and shook her arms out. I stretched my legs. Haurchefant called out, “Sit-ups, three sets!” And once those were done: “Push-ups, three sets!” I was starting to feel a bit toasty. That was when Haurchefant threw a surprise my way. “Dragoon squats, ten of them!” he called cheerily.

“Ten!” groaned Essenta. “You tyrant! I thought these were warm-ups, not kill-me-before-dawn-ups!”

“Essenta, my friend, 'tis after dawn,” Haurchefant said, turning to face us. “Ameme, have you ever done dragoon squats? They are as follows.” He dropped to the floor for a push-up, jumped to his feet, and did a leap combined with a phantom spear throw. “That's one.”

I had figured they would be more difficult. I did the ten, with Haurchefant happily following along and saying things like 'Splendid jump!' and 'If I didn't know better, I would think you were a master of the lance!' He was the only one other than me who was not too out of breath to speak after ten dragoon squats. It was hard for me to tell if his praise was genuine or just shameless flattery. He was just so over the top about everything, you know?

“Take a break,” he said when everyone was done. “Is it not invigorating to start off the morning sweating?!”

Essenta muttered something uncomplimentary under her breath.

“Rather than our usual ending routine, I thought I'd try something different,” Haurchefant said. “Ser Moiroix! Have you not learnt a new dance during your last leave? Come teach us!”

The singled-out knight groaned. “My lord, did I not also mention I was terrible at it?”

“Then you must needs practice,” said Haurchefant. “After all, dexterity of the feet is as necessary to battle as a good, strong core! One cannot fight dragons if one constantly trips!”

Moiroix, red in the face, came to the front of the pack and clumsily tried to teach everyone some sort of stately ballroom dance. Haurchefant got on her case about incorrect footwork. I got a bad case of second-hand embarrassment. On the upside, I learned a new dance.

“You're from up north somewhere, aren't you?” Goobbue asked me, a bit too loudly. “Know any exotic dances?”

I cringed mentally as Haurchefant's head turned in my direction. “I don't know about exotic,” I said. “They're definitely not ballroom dances.”

“Let's see them!” she said.

“I don't remember them very well,” I said. Or at all, actually. I just remembered that I knew some dances. I didn't remember the dances themselves.

Haurchefant rescued me when he announced, “Warm-ups are over! Coffee is available in the mess hall.” He bounded over to me, looking like he'd already had at least three cups of coffee. “Ameme! 'Tis your first full day with us. I pray you slept well! Adventurers report to Ser Hourlinet, in case you were unaware, but should you ever run into any urgent issues, pray come to me directly.” He paused, looking me up and down. “Your armor is highly unusual,” he said.

I looked down at myself. I had chain leggings and plated boots of an intricate design. My gloves were colorful and feathered. Hell if I knew where they came from. “I pick up pieces here and there,” I said. “From the fallen bodies of my enemies, usually.” I held my arms up to show the feathered gloves. “This...was a gift from some crafters.” Maybe. I couldn't recall much.

“Fascinating!” he said. “Well, I know the top to be in the style of the skyraiders. The boots are most unusual and I cannot place them.” He pointed at my legs. “These, though, appear to be Ishgardian knight's trousers.”

This was a pop quiz I did not like. I touched the chain part of the leggings and tried to remember.

—The keep was frozen over, its halls patrolled by ice sprites and the living dead. I stood in the corner with a torn journal page in hand, reading the sorrow of a man who no longer wanted to see his children for shame of what he had become. In the corner, I found a chest full of spare equipment. My own had been shredded in my fights with the keep's undead residents—

“Found these at an abandoned outpost in a chest,” I said. “It was...haunted. By zombies.” I shuddered.

“Forgive me, it seems I have dredged up a bad memory,” said Haurchefant. “I pray the boots are less horrific in origin!”

I raised an eyebrow at him. He was grilling me in the most friendly fashion, and no wonder. My outfit must have made him highly suspicious. I angled one foot so he could look at the intricate design. Where were these from...? Hmm...ahh. “I snuck into a Garlean outpost for food and stole someone's boots,” I said. “I used the rest of her outfit, too, but returned everything else.”

Haurchefant stooped to study them. “These are Garlean?” he asked with some surprise. “They're most unusual, then. Quite beautiful, really.”

“I think the Empire's armor designers were inspired by the things they found in the Far East,” I said. “That was where I was when I got these.”

“The Far East!! My friend, you are truly well-traveled! I should like to hear of your adventures one day!” He straightened and regarded me with a warm smile. “In fact, why don't you—”

“Seigneur Haurchefant!” called someone from the other side of the room.

Haurchefant, still talking, turned to see who wanted his attention. “—join me some time for lunch—Oui, Inquisiteur?”

A woman in long white and blue robes waved at him. “Avec moi, s'il vous-plait!”

“Un moment, madame! Pardon me, ladies, but it seems duty calls. I pray your day goes well!” He gave us a courtly bow and strode away to the inquisitor to see what she wanted.

Goobbue, Essenta, and I exchanged glances. Essenta said, “You are now the prime exotic animal, shipped in from the Far East.”

“Essenta!” Goobbue scolded. “Really! Just because Lord Haurchefant likes hearing stories...” She turned to me. “Did you really steal your boots from an Imperial soldier?”

“Thought it was a good idea at the time, but then again I was starving,” I said with a shrug. “They don't feed their soldiers very well, either.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Ew. Not a surprise. They're all savages over there. All right, let's report to Ser Hourlinet.”

She and Essenta headed for a man in a yellow overcoat surrounded by adventurers. Hourlinet was the efficient sort, I could see. He had everyone's tasks scheduled in a neat little grid, including mine. Goobbue was runner for the day – she grimaced at this, since it meant a lot of travel – while Essenta got assigned to guard some porters. Soluvrain and Moonlight River got firewood duty. As for me, someone had creatively tasked me with 'ridding the immediate area of nuisance creatures', which meant feral crocs. That was my only task all day.

“Are you sure she should do that alone?” Moonlight River asked. “Mayhap Soluvrain could—”

“Given what I have seen her do, she is likely more than equal to this task,” Hourlinet said. “Now, with the storm strengthening, I would suggest we all set about our respective tasks with alacrity.” He turned to the rest of the adventurers.

“I don't think the pay's worth your life,” Moonlight River said to me. “Say the word and I'll come help.”

“It's fine,” I said. “I'll see you later.” I headed out. Time to get a real warm-up.

~*~

I stood over the latest carcass, panting hard. Blood dripped off the blade of my axe slowly, already beginning to freeze mere seconds after its forcible extraction from the vessel. Feeling oddly out of sorts, I scooped up handfuls of snow and began cleaning everything. The space around me turned pink. Only when I glanced idly at the dead wolf did I notice the sunset had turned the snow orange.

Have I been out here all day? I wondered. Best head back. I'm hungry...I think.

My killing spree had ended at the top of a hill. I gazed down at the trail of death and destruction I had left with a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. “Midgardsormr,” I said, “how long have I been out here?”

The tip of one wing brushed my cheek as my dragonet companion dropped onto my shoulder. «Sunrise to sunset,» he said. «Oft didst thou lose thyself to excess bloodshed in the end. That thou hast returned to thyself in the span of a single sun is a great improvement. Come, let us return to the sons of Ishgard. The native fauna has been terrorized enough for one day.»

“I...yes, that's a good idea,” I said, struck by both my apparent ability to kill mindlessly for hours and Midgardsormr thinking this was better than before. “I'm really broken, aren't I? I thought coming back fixed me. This is not normal!”

«To heal will take time,» he replied. «To rewind time for a single mortal is miracle enough without asking for that which broke the world to be fixed without recompense. Go, champion. They will not mind a little blood.»

I spent a few more minutes cleaning my boots and furs before heeding his command. The knights I passed greeted me with raised hands and bobbing heads. The sun was long gone when I reached the gates of Camp Dragonhead.

“There you are!” said the guard. “We wondered if you had met an untimely demise in the jaws of a croc. Report to Ser Hourlinet, if you will. You might find some leftover food if you're nice to Medguistl.”

I thanked him and trudged through the courtyard. The knights regularly shoveled inside the outpost, which was a blessing because it meant I wasn't tracking pink snow for all to see. Of course, the number of people outside now that the temperature was now well below zero was close to zilch anyway. Lighted windows and torches showed me the way through the central arch.

The sound of someone beating the stuffing out of a training dummy distracted me from my pensive march. I veered off course to investigate. The training area held only a single torch, leaving half the area in shadow. I saw long silver hair gleaming in the firelight, bouncing to and fro. As I drew close, I could make out the body attached to the hair. It was an Elezen man, and one who could jump absurdly high at that. I watched as he vaulted into the air, stretched to his full length, and hurled a black spear at the training dummy. The thin blade pierced the heart of the dummy with ease. The man landed practically on top of it, ripped his spear out, and did a few graceful spins. Then, with a full grasp on the mechanics of coolness, he twirled the spear to rest the butt on the ground in an at-ease position.

“Eavesdroppers and spies shall be taken as new training dummies,” he said, not turning around.

I blinked and looked from side to side. Who...? Oh, he was talking to me. Well, that was rude! I frowned at his back.

He turned to glare at me. His eyes were surprisingly dark for an Elezen of Ishgardian birth. His hair could have used a trim. What might have once been bangs now brushed his nose and even in the dark of night I could see his split ends were out of control. He hmphed at me, his glare acquiring a contemptuous air. “A coin-starved adventurer, back from her errand,” he said. “Hardly worth the trouble. Run along, girl, unless you want to take on my lance.”

That was even ruder! I wasn't a girl, I was a woman! And his lance wasn't even that impressive! More importantly, something about him was very, very familiar.

He wasn't in the mood to deal with me. Rather than keep talking, he spun his lance and leapt high into the air. Like a diving falcon, he aimed for my heart.

Oh, so he's serious about using me as a dummy, I thought.

Curious, I chose to block his attack rather than dodge. His lance was sturdier than it looked and his reaction time was excellent. The blade did not break when it glanced off my axe. The man landed with one foot on the flat of my blade and used it to propel himself out of reach. Unsurprisingly, his landing was as light as a butterfly despite the ice and snow covering the ground.

He hummed thoughtfully, swinging his weapon out to the side to prepare his next move. “Interesting,” he said. “I take it you've volunteered to be my training dummy.” He darted forward. I dodged in the nick of time. Damn, he was fast when he decided to use those legs of his to cover distance rather than altitude. I blocked several of his graceful sweeping blows easily and tried to figure out his fighting style. He wore light chainmail and no head cover, but as I studied him, I discovered he had absolutely no openings. The only time he opened himself up even a sliver was at the very top of his massive jumps, and there was no way I would be able to reach him up there.

He found me to be a tough opponent, too. All of his strikes had become cautious after that first attack, mostly aimed testing my defenses. The main issue for him was that his style had massive telegraphs due to the length of his weapon and the constant grip adjustments he had to do. Yes, it would hurt if he made contact...but he would have to get through my axe first.

I redirected my attention to his feet. Maybe if I...ohhh, yes, that was a good plan...although I was banking on him not knowing any hand-to-hand techniques and that he wasn't seriously planning on killing me...

He tried to skewer me again, this time with more intent than before. I twisted my hips to the side, just barely avoiding both the lance blade and the secondary winglike blade on one side. He was just within arms' length now. Maybe he thought he had me, because I could see him smirking and the muscles of his body bracing to pull the lance backwards. I slammed my axe vertically into the dirt. The handle locked the lance up by way of the winglike blade.

Ah. So he was actually trying to kill me. Good to know. I released my axe and put one hand on his wrist. His smirk turned to surprise as I ducked under his arms and slammed my fist into his gut. Not exactly the brightest move—the guy had abs of steel under the chainmail—but it took him surprise. He sort of bent over, either in reaction or just to keep track of me, and transferred to a one-handed grip on his lance. I cheerfully dragoon-jumped my head right into his chin. He made a bitten-off noise of surprise and reared back. Then, because he was a seasoned fighter, he adapted to the sudden close quarters by trying to punch me in the head. I ducked. The sound of metal scraping metal alerted me to the fact that he had slid his lance up to get it off my axe handle. I darted away and retrieved my weapon once he had backed up. We watched each other guardedly.

“You don't fight on the ground much, do you?” I asked when he made no move to attack again.

He snorted. “No. Mayhap I will after this, if only to spar with you again.”

I growled at him. “Is it sparring when you're actively trying to skewer me?”

The man found this hilarious. He let the tip of his lance drop as he laughed heartily. “That last move was a bit much considering your armor,” he said. “I would apologize, but as the bruise on my jaw will attest, you can more than hold your own in such situations.”

“Luckily for you.”

“Indeed, though given our earlier dancing, I suspected your level of skill was far higher than I previously assumed.” He waved a finger at the sky as Elezen were wont to do when they wanted to emphasize something. “I would end our sparring match here, my lady, as there are places I must be ere the morrow. First, though, I would have your name. 'Tisn't often I come across an opponent such as yourself.”

I decided he was a little on the weird side, as far as Ishgardians went. “Ameme,” I said. “Who are you?”

“Estinien,” he replied. “I shall remember your name, Ameme.” He gave me a curt nod, strapped his lance to his back, and jumped his crazy ass over the wall of the outpost without another word.

What the hell was that? I asked myself. If that was the guy I'd come back to save...I would have to tell myself I had terrible taste in men.

“Ameme!”

I jumped at the fluting male voice behind me. Haurchefant came striding across the courtyard. Some part of me relaxed when I saw him. “Hello, I'm back,” I said when he arrived in front of me.

“Yes, so I see,” he said. “When you did not report back by lunch, I confess Ser Hourlinet grew rather worried. Where have you been?”

I pointed vaguely in the direction of my activities. “I was killing feral crocs as assigned,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow. “All day?”

“Oh, no,” I said. “I ran out of crocs, you see...so I started on the wolves...I think there may have been some ice sprites, too.” I noticed my fingers getting fidgety with my axe handle and stilled them.

“Ah,” said Haurchefant. “And upon your return, you chose to get into a fight with the Azure Dragoon?”

I stared at him, wondering if I was about to get in trouble.

He sucked in a breath. “Ameme...”

“I'm sorry,” I said. “I was just watching him beat up the training dummy and he decided that meant I wanted to fight.”

Haurchefant laughed. “Oh, that is no surprise,” he said. “The Azure Dragoon is, shall we say...not a sociable sort of man.” He shook his head. “No, that is not what I wanted to say. Ameme! You are magnificent!”

I stared some more. Was that code for me being in trouble?

“To think, you were hard at work all day ridding the land of dangerous beasts, only to return and go axe-to-lance with the Azure Dragoon! And with such grace! I've never seen aught like it! You are truly, exceptionally strong, with unbelievable stamina!” He gestured excitedly as he spoke.

“Ah,” I said, blinking.

He picked up on my confusion and abruptly calmed himself. “After all that work, you must certainly be hungry,” he said. “I have taken the liberty of asking Medguistl to prepare a late dinner for you. Pray partake of it and take tomorrow off to rest. Come!” He led me to the kitchens and spent the entire time I waited for food recounting what he had seen and asking questions about this or that technique.

“What's an Azure Dragoon?” I asked when he managed to stop long enough to drink the orange juice Medguistl the chef gave him.

“Ah, I had forgotten you are new to the region,” Haurchefant said. “Pray forgive me. The Azure Dragoon is a title given to the strongest and wisest member of the order of dragoons. Among all Azure Dragoons past and present, Estinien Wyrmblood is considered exceptional.”

“He does jump pretty high,” I allowed. “So he just shows up to beat on training dummies?”

Haurchefant had a little laughing fit at the 'jumps pretty high' line. “I know not why he was here,” he said after recovering. “From what I have heard, the man comes and goes as he pleases. He has also thoroughly rejected Ishgardian high society, despite his status. I find him quite an interesting character, truth be told. I daresay you'll find him a far more difficult opponent should you fight him again. He is known for his ability to adapt to other fighting styles.”

Well, that was great. What if I didn't want to fight him again? But figuring out how to get the better of him had been pretty exciting, not to mention a far sight better than mindlessly killing animals.

“Is aught amiss?” Haurchefant asked, frowning. I shook my head. “Hmm. Yet you look as though something weighs heavily on your mind. Pray tell me. Did you not wish to fight the Azure Dragoon?”

“It's not that,” I said. To tell him, or...? I remembered Midgardsormr saying that healing took time. How did one heal unrelenting blood lust? “I just...lost time today.”

“How so?”

I looked away. “I remember what I was doing,” I said. “It's just that I...I lost track of myself all day...and all I did was kill...”

Haurchefant studied me silently. “I see,” he said. “Would you say this was a state of mind?”

I shrugged. “I stopped thinking, that was the problem. I don't want to do that kind of thing, but...” I waved a hand aimlessly. “I shouldn't be doing that. It's not normal. I'm not just a killing machine or a weapon. I'm a person. I...” Who was I talking to? It wasn't Haurchefant. “I'm a person,” I finished, feeling stupid.

Haurchefant reached across the table to grip my hand. “Forgive me for being too forward, but I must speak my thoughts,” he said. “Ameme. You are neither killing machine nor weapon. Though slaying those beasts has helped us, I would rather you put your considerable skills to use in ways that do not make you think you are nothing more than a tool. To that end, I shall ensure Ser Hourlinet assigns you more peaceful tasks.”

“I'll do them,” I said. “Someone has to go around killing things. It may as well be me since I'm so good at it.”

“I will not hear of it,” Haurchefant said. “Ameme, you are not a tool! You are a person, splendid fighter though you are. Now, finish this excellent meal and go to bed. Tomorrow you will have no assignments. Pray use that time to gather your thoughts and realize you are more than the sum of what you kill.” He patted my knuckles and released my hand.

Haurchefant is a nice guy, but he definitely doesn't know me, I thought. Fighting was all I did. Nothing he said would change that.

...but...

Maybe he was right, in a way. Maybe I could do more than just fight. No, I would do more than just fight. I had to if I wanted to stay sane. I would become the person he imagined I was.

“Let us speak of less serious things,” Haurchefant said. “Tell me more of your adventures in the Far East! I would not dare to imagine I know much of the world past Eorzea.”

“I didn't spend much time there,” I said a bit nervously. What was I supposed to tell him? I didn't remember.

“But surely you were there long enough to know something of the food!” he said.

Oh gods...what did I eat over there? Sushi? “Raw fish on rice,” I said.

“What?!”

“There was a lot of sea food...”

He leaned forward, fascinated. The more I talked, the more I remembered the little details. I even recalled climbing onto curved roofs and running around a port town, as well as being yelled at by men in yukata for doing so. It was a struggle to describe yukata to someone who had never seen them, but Haurchefant was somehow enthusiastic about the idea anyway.

Anyway, it was very nice chatting with someone who just wanted to hear stories. He was a busy man, so I also appreciated the amount of time he took just to talk to me. When I was finished eating, he thanked me for sharing my experiences and bade me good night before rushing off to do something or other—he mentioned reports—and leaving me all by my lonesome. I made sure to thank Medguistl for the food before I dragged myself to the chocobo stables for the night.

#fanfic #ffxiv #writing #maybe I should work on getting the rest of it written #naaaaaah who'd do something like that

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clocks-rising · 6 years

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@midoridragonuus ok so you neither left your tumblr name to me nor does the trade window let me actually click on your name thank god they have a functional search for usernames because LOL wow am i fuckin DRUNK

PLS FEED YOUR DRAGONS I AM TRIGGER

THIS IS HOW YOU DO A FOREST DRAGon altho to be fair that nature apparel this past holiday was fuckin DOPE you can make forest dragon ez as shit now but the real pressing question is why does your WIND dragon have a LIGHT emblem bro... bor.. that s not how it works ... jeez... *glosses over her bio* nope no answers there

UH OH HIS BIO SAYS REDACTEd he’s totally working on how to make weed in his lab dude. anyway cool dragon but WHY DOES HE HAVE A WIND EMBLEM HE’S A LIGHTNING DRAGon wahgt he fuck this is bothering me. anyways he’s a cool ass spiral i approve

WHOA HE HAS PRIMAL EYES AND A MATCHIGN EMBLEM A++++ GOOD JOB

but holy fuck that apparel clutter

i mean i’m quee n of apparel clutter but u asked for a drunk review your’e gonna get some REAL DOPE HSIT UP IN HERE dude what are his original colors even i don’t kniw??? oh he has a multi-eyes accent nvm all is forgiven. sorry

OMG LOOK AT THIS BABGy

i don’t even like snappers but tbh they crack me up which is why i sometimes in clude them in AH spotlights. because they’re big and like, wow like a big ass snapper that’s purple or pastel or something is fuckin hilarious to me even though i’d never own one. this is a GOOD BOI i loveh is paparel and colors. good job. wow i am more drunk than last time sorry folks

OMG I REAIZED THIS IS A FEMALE SNAPPEr shows how much i know about snappes. i am so sorry snapper that i misgendered you i am sorry

yes yes YESSSS honey yes

this is an awesome accent and i dont even like bogsneakes but it caught my attention

SHE HAS A KITTY!!!!!! i dont know why i keep focusing on your snappers in your lair but that’s i think because they’re adorable even though i don’t own any. she *goes to skim her bio* WOHA WHAT THE FUCK WHO IS WEARY OF CATTES???? AREY OU SERIOUS

cattes are god’s gift to man and to be frank if youre not a catte lady i don’t want to interact with you

anyway lair overall tldr, this is probably one of the biggest lairs i’ve handled because ppl are like lil babies with their small lairs so good job. your dragons are well-dressed but i cant say cared for because THEY’RE STARVING WHAT THE UFCK feed your goddamn ass dragons anyway i’m drunk so sorry

#flight rising #clocks drunk review

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sophiaelainehanson · 6 years

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Book Recs No One Asked For

An Ember in the Ashes by @sabaatahir

- I will never stop screaming about this book

- Soft boy rejects violent rape culture but also kicks ass

- Someone protect Laia oh wait no she good

- Dark as hell holy crap wow I just wow

- OWN VOICES YAY BOOST

- Reading the sequel right now and loving it even more than the first

- TW: Rape/Sexual Assault, Abuse

The Book Thief by @markuszusakbooks

- I feel like almost everyone has read this by now but still putting it in because I love it so much

- WWII Germany

- Young girl steals books to save them from being burned by the Nazis

- Narrated by DEATH how freaking cool is that

- Gorgeous, complicated platonic and familial relationships

- HEARTBREAKING BUT SO WORTH IT

New World: Rising by Jennifer Wilson

- Mad Max meets Divergent

- Post apocalyptic and dark as hell

- MC is one of the last literate people on the planet which is dope

- Real as hell, pulls absolutely no punches

- Super underrated, to be honest

- ASL representation as well as disability representation

- TW: Rape/Sexual Assault

Cinder by Marissa Meyer

- Retelling of Cinderella set in futuristic Beijing

- Sweet romance and awesome female friendships

- Way darker than I was expecting, to be frank

- MC is disabled and mixed race which is dope

- Magic clashing with technology heck yeah

This Savage Song by @veschwab

- Whew boy this one was a doozy

- Mind blowing world building holy h*ck

- Soft monster boy meets anxious badass human hunter girl

- No overt romance which is kind of refreshing

- I hear the sequel is heartbrekaing but diving in anyway WHEEE

Dreamland by Sarah Dessen

- Much darker than the other books by this author

- Follows a high school aged girl who falls into an abusive relationship

- Complicated and beautiful familial relationships

- Gorgeous prose I mean honestly I cried like seven times

- TW: Rape/Sexual Assault, Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse

The Color Project by Sierra Abrams

- This book cleared my skin and made my crops grow

- Adorable quirky romance with utterly unproblematic soft boy and girl

- Gorgeous long distance female friendships

- Realistic and complex but still loving familial relationships

- Heartbreaking with an uplifting ending

- MC wants to wait to have sex and soft boy is super understanding and good and respectful which is such a low bar but these days it means something

- Flower shows and doughnuts at midnight come on

Not Your Sidekick by @authorcblee

- Quirky alternate reality superhero story

- Superhero and super villain internships which is such a cool idea

- OWN VOICES BISEXUAL REP YAY

- Also trans, gay, and POC representation

- Adorable high school romance between two girls my heart

- TW: Biphobia

The Looking Glass Wars by @frankbeddor

- I will never stop screaming about this series I need to reread it

- Retelling of Alice in Wonderland where Alyss is from Wonderland and falls into our world

- Alyss has magical powers, Hatter is her killer bodyguard, and Red is utterly nuts and scary powerful

- Wonderland rises up against the Red Queen holy shit I almost fainted it was so cool

- Steampunk London I mean come on

Eon by Alison Goodman

- DRAGONS

- Girls dresses up as boy to learn Dragon Magic

- Main character is asian so yay representation

- Super unique magic system and epic world building

-Main character is also disabled and still manages to be a badass fighter through her pain and works around her disability

- These books were so underhyped honestly I will always stan them

#Eon #Eona #The Looking Glass Wars #Not Your Sidekick #The Color Project #Dreamland #This Savage Song #Cinder #The Book Thief #An Ember in the Ashes #Booklr #Book Recs #Book Community

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smokeybrand · 4 years

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Bad Manager

Story time. All this talk of Karens has got me reminiscing about my time in retail. Way back in the wild of my youth, before my chick and i really started getting heavy into out relationship and she mellowed me out, I was a manager at the most ghetto Gamestop in the greater Sacramento area. I actually got the job like i got most things back then; After an argument over Dragon Ball Z. That’s actually how i met my chick, and argument over DBZ, but i digress. I had a thirty minute debate with the assistant manager at the time and he immediately gave me an interview with the store manager. This is, of course, before i found out how sh*tty Gamestop corporate is in real life. In about a year, I worked my way up from seasonal part-time, all the way to Store Manager and i have a Karen story for each phase of my brief career.

Seasonal Part-Time: When you’re a part timer at the ‘Stop, you are basically house b*tch. They make you do the most mundane bullsh*t. Clean the bathrooms, take out the garbage, vacuum the stores, etc. B*tch sh*t. The most mundane task you have, though, is f*cking alphabetizing the goddamn game racks. I HATED that sh*t. it was tedious and f*cking stupid. Once, it took me my entire four hour shift just to properly arrange the PS2 rack. Sh*t was whack, son!

So i finish this sh*t early one day, probably about an hour and a half before i’m off, and this Karen comes in with her kid. He wants a PS2 game. Fine. This little asshole f*cks up the entire system because he can’t find his game. I kept telling the little sh*t that everything was in alphabetical order but he ain’t care. He’s an idiot. After about ten minutes of watching this bundle of cooties and Capri Sun ruin my hard work, i ask him if he knows what “Alphabetize” means and his mom blows up! She accuses me of being cruel and how i had no right to chastise her child and that she would have my job.Obviously, this dumb b*tch escalated the scenario and i had to get my manager. She actually demanded a free game because i asked if her kid understood the order of his ABCs.

Full-Time: Once you graduate to full-time, you get to be looked upon like you are a responsible individual and not house b*tch anymore. There’s usually new part-timers for that. I became third key, a person who’s basically management but gets no management pay, after the ASM who hired me, left. Everyone moved up a rank after that. I started getting opening shifts and sh*t. This is before i was disillusioned with work life and still applied myself for faceless conglomerate who see you as expendable numbers. Don’t worry, we’ll get there soon. Since i’m Third Key, i get opening shifts now. Still don’t do payroll or take corporate calls, but i do everything else management does. As such, thee are days when it’s just me in the store. I’m the proxy manager because the two others above me make too much hourly and it’s cheaper for me to act as management instead of paying actual management.

It’s, like, six minutes before the store closes. My pat-timer is winding down their ABCing busy work because corporate decreed it so. I’m closing out one o the registers and setting the alarm on the safe to open because that sh*t takes, like, 30 minutes and my ass wants to go home ASAP. We are breezing, man, and about to be out this b*tch in record time. NOPE! Six minutes, man. I remember very distinctly because i glanced at the little clock on the register. Six minutes. This wild Karen rushes my door with her four goddamn crotch spawns six goddamn minutes before lock up! They destroy my store. My part-timer and eye can only watch in dismay. all that work. all that prep. all of it, mute. The f*cked up thing? This b*tch ain’t even buy nothing. We were located next to a Togos.She had the audacity to walk up and small talk at me about how they were waiting for their sandwiches to finish and just needed to kill time.

I tell her that we were closing and she told me, and i quote, “Not with me and my kids in the store.” 9 rolls around and tell her we have to lock the doors and she’s like, “Go ahead.” I explain to her that i’m not legally allowed to lock up the store with customers on the premises. She looks me dead in the eyes and says, “ Well i guess you’re gonna get some OT tonight then, right?” I’ll never forget that sh*t. That was the first time i felt Retail Rage. I wanted to murder this b*tch. Straight up keelhaul this hoe and set her little monsters on fire. I maintained my composure and after about forty extra minutes, they left. I ended up finishing the close by myself because i had to sen the part-timer home. that’s ABCs, Shelving, closing registers, re-timing the safe, etc. I didn’t get ot of that store until about 11 pm. And had a morning shift at 7. All because a Karen turned my store into a waiting room/playground six minutes before close.

Assistant Manager: My Store Manager got into some sh*t with corporate and they fired him on straight BS. Probably time card fraud, i dunno. I do know he had been with the company for eleven years so f*ck em. I got bumped up to Second Key. Got a little it of a raise. Made schedules now, officially, even though i’d been doing that sh*t since i was Third Key. It’s fine. I can do refunds now and give discounts. I’m “The Manager” and, boy, do you hear about it!

Gamestop is about money. They never want to lose a sale. As such, we have a POS system that let’s you look up merchandise throughout the district. If we don’t have something, we can send you to another store that does. That’s how this story starts. I get a call from another store asking about a game. We have one copy left. They tell me to hold it because someone is coming to get it. Fine. Karen comes in a backpack full of trade-in to pay for this game and get a few extra credits for a birthday gift. Whatever. Back then, we had to test every game that came i. This b*tch had, like, 30. Fine. She also had an old, ratty, PS1. The rectangle ones. That was going to be an argument because she was only getting, like, four dollars for it. She kept gloating about how she got it at launch when she was young and what not. Motherf*cker was as old as Jesus. Also, it rattled. We found out later that was because there was dead roaches in it but that’s a story for another day.

I finish this ridiculous trade in; Tested all the games, made sure they read on both PS2 and PSOne. a few were too scratched to read so i had to run them through the disc cleaner and they ended up being viable after. I trade all of this sh*t in, and the b*tch gets upset when i tell her she’s walking out with less than a hundred in credit and even less than that in cash. She blows up on me, demands to see my manager. I tell her i am the manger, and she just starts going in. I immediately disengage and become visibly indifferent because, if i don’t, i would have beat that b*tch up in front of her children. Like, straight up curb stomp cunts and sh*t. She berates me for being an hourly employee and how she makes more than i do the entire year in a week and all this other sh*t. She just kept getting more and more upset at the fact that i was indifferent to her bullsh*t. B*tch even drops the n*gga wit hte hard “R” a few times, like i didn’t notice. I maintain through all of this racist disrespect. That ain’t what she expected and it definitely wasn’t the reaction she wanted. She demands the corporate number, takes all her games, leaves the Sony RoachMotel, and storms out. I get written up a week later for being an asshole to the customer. I literally just stood there while she turned bright red racist hulk, all over my person, but i’m in the wrong. Okay, Karen.

Bad Manager: My Senior ASM quits because Gamestop is on that bullsh*t so now i’m big man on campus. My DM is forced to promote me to acting Store Manager. Basically, i’m responsible for everything the actual manager does, but i don’t get paid what the manager i pad. It’s that Third Key bullsh*t but, you know, not. By now, it’s been about six months and i do not care. Full on disillusioned and well on my way to outright militant. That’s what Retail does to you. It slowly kills your joy and makes you hate people. I already hated people but this? This sh*t just effortlessly validated why. So it’s me and the other ASM in the store. I hire some regular to round out the staff an change literally everything about the store.

First thing to go was that whack ass dress code. I believe you do your best work when you’re comfortable so it had to go. The next thing i nixed was the ABCs. That sh*t was stupid and a waste of time. As long as the helves were neat, we were good. The next thing i did was spread the reserve and sh*t around. I held a meeting and everyone agreed that was best for the entire store. Numbers were met and no one straggled. Everyone got to keep their jobs and i didn’t have to cut hours. The last major change i instituted was letting staff play games, in store, during downtime. If everything was legit int the store and it was slow, go ahead, pop one of the used titles in a test station, and have a blast. I don’t care. Just don’t be a dick to customers because i don’t want to get hassled. I don’t want you to get hassled. No one wants t get hassled. The time that i was in charge of that store, our numbers were spectacular and we killed even the richest stores in the district. It’s dope how well a team works together when they have high morale ya dig.

One day, i get a call from my new Third key. He and his part timer, his wife at the time, were opening. I wasn’t scheduled to come in that day but he was hysterical. Apparently, this Karen didn’t like her trade in quote and called the f*cking cops. Sac PD was in my store, intimidating the sh*t out of my staff, all because this b*tch thought she deserved more than 20 dollar for her used Gamecube or some sh*t. I walk my ass all the way to work, on my day off, and diffuse the situation with the cops. I explain that prices are set by corporate and there was nothing we could do about the trade in value. I then ask way the f*ck they were even giving validity to this crazy b*tches allegations when she freely admits nothing of hers was actually stolen. Cops didn’t like my questioning their motives and hassled us for another thirty minutes but whatever. They left eventually. I left. The Karen left. The it came back.

This b*tch was in my store for a total of three f*cking hours, trying to sabotage every transaction throughout my Third Key’s shift. Eventually, he clocked out and left. His wife stayed for a few extra hours and this Karen b*tch took the opportunity to just assault her with insults. My part-timer maintained a strong facade. I was so proud of her, man. A lot of the sh*t said was very cruel personal attacks about my part timer’s heritage and status. She was a Ukranian refugee, came over to escape Russian aggression. Gorgeous chick, for real. Very funny. Very affable. Bluest eyes i’ve ever seen on a person. They were unnervingly clear and mad piercing. She was also dummy thicc. Like, she had that super stronk Snow Bunny charm. Let’s just say i made sure to schedule her for a full shift when the Madden and 2K reserves went live.

Anyway, the actual scheduled ASM just hid in the back room while this assault was occurring because he was weenie. Sweet kid, total puss. Karen was going in on how immigrants were the worst and that since she couldn’t understand my part timer’s accent she didn’t deserve to be in the country or have this job. She effectively called her a slut, several times, by insinuating she probably “F*ck your big black boss for this job.” My part timer endured for hours. When she took her break, she immediately called me in tears. She filled me in on the situation. I couldn’t make it back to my store fast enough, man. i blew up on this Karen. I called her out on her elitist bullsh*t, her classist ignorance, and the fact that we didn’t need her stupid f*cking business. I attacked her appearance. infantilized her entire lifestyle. I told her she was a depleted cum-dumpster jealous that my part timer was so vibrant with because her genuine shine reminded the Karen of everything you lost by being a suburban cliche. A middle class punchline. I banned her for being a toxic b*tch. She left my store in gross, sobbing, tears. No one f*cks with my crew like that. I got written up again.

The next day, i was on shift and the Karen bought her husband in to “speak” with me. Part timer and i opened and this big ass, corn-fed, white boy, walks in, bobbing his head around like a rooster. I’m half-sleep behind the register because insomnia, so i let my part timer do her thing. I’m over yonder, full Sith mode, Decepticon hoodie full cowl and bad attitude, wishing a motherf*cker would. And a motherf*cker did. This motherf*cker is right red, trying to assail my part timer, again, just like his wife did before.Speaking of Karen, she’s out front, pacing the entrance like a shark, expecting the fireworks her beau was supposed to bring. Not today, Satan. My part timer was standing her ground, using a lot of firm language, but this motherf*cker is big and i start seeing him using that size to intimidate.

I, immediately, physically step between dude and my part timer. He’s about three inches taller than i am so he presses my gangster. I pull back my hood, and tell him i’m the manager of the store but i can clock out and just be a n*gga in the street if he wanted the Smoke. He didn’t want the Smoke. I called him a b*tch to his face, his wife a cock-gobbling hoe, and his mother a slut. He still did not want the Smoke. He bailed. His wife started gassing on him for being a b*tch as they both shrunk away like the cowards they really were. Never saw either one after that. I didn’t get written up for that though. No f*cks given. Bad Manager life. Gang gang, n*gga.

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fireflythecinnamonjollyrancher · 3 years

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hello it is once again time for my end of the year wrap up. this should be... interesting

january

finally finally got to have a happy apartment experience!!!!! tried out tea drops which are dope. there was a fair amount of stress revolving around APO induction and the musical rehearsal, but we made it!!! partied hardy (the infamous tess in the washing machine incident) kelli was watching always sunny more often than not. i wore some arguably bad clothing but ya know. gays. we tried to take off my closet door (it did NOT work). the beginning of the goose saga! there was a sleet storm so kelli and i made some popcorn and watched mike birbiglia’s new special. darci, kelli and i went out to eat and then ended up in babcock playing air hockey before watching videos with kai who was on duty. PEP BAND???? some good memories formed there. dogs in the library! got bullied by my library boss to put gas in my car and i sent her a video of proof that i did it “daddy long legs” “stop. what?” “the musical” (i do love timothy) i actually practiced my instrument lol wild. WE (becky, celeste, timothy and i) WATCHED SPIRIT and got wildly drunk -- the origin of “[redacted] [redacted] who???” which is my favorite joke.

february

MORE PEP BAND im actually really glad i spent my last few college months dicking around with the band. one man drumline!!! kai made some good tiktoks in our apartment! miss hanging with them it was really fun. oh i hung out with sam and celeste watching movies “he was a boy, she was a dolphin, can i make it anymore [strangled dolphin noises]” OUR MICROWAVE HANDLE BROKE OFF while kelli was gone man that entire apartment was falling apart (hey dumbass grab from top) -- a list of things that were broken in our apartment: fridge light, front entry light, showerhead, phone. the birth of the beans insta!!!! got hit on when i was at taco bell with timothy by being accused of being trans (taco bell guy was not far off to be fair). oh the improv posters as compared to the posters i built for an organization fair. went out and got daRUNK at what appears to be wandas. really struggled with my period. cut hair with kelli n darci. MOZZ STICKS. “you still a lil bitch???” oh we did kpy pal-entines!!! where we ate good food and watched the princess bride!!! i received the plush goose. there was a possible bombing at the bank next door to where we rehearsed for band. aw i went on a tommy’s date with becky that was cute. they tried to STEAL the QUESO. disagreed with a curb and still have those scars. worked a horrible gig at the theatre. closing shifts at the library baby! middle school tours EW more library dogs! fish hooks song oh my god. drunk mash nights!!! i rewatched HAVEN and had lots of feelings. actually got drunk alone a lot which was Bad. however michael malloys birthday! watched choir concert at work lol. stats final whilst drunk!!!! becky got a piercing

march

here things go downhill rapidly. hit up the trains at least once. oh late library nights with timothy!!!! the best nights i miss hanging with him while at work. struggled with my car. went on a college sponsored adventure to a back alley farm. SCURVY FEARS. opening shifts that were lonely. oh celeste played plague and named it covid and won lol yikes. the infamous apartment cone. we stayed up long enough to see the sunrise on literally the last day in college I would ever have. that was good. I FOUND OUT KELLI HAD GLASSES im still pissed. came home indefinitely. went to st patty’s day at brookes with karrigan and that was SO much fun (this was before things seemed real) the best part of that was the irish pub owner who happened to have a son that went to my college. got my mom onto tik tok. took a gay lit class. can’t believe i took daily fckn walks around the pasture who was i. hosted virtual meetings for apo and played around with the closed captioning. that was fun. shaved my moms head lmaooo. worked on my capstone which im like super proud of? i wish i could have directed it but say law vee.

april

BAGPIPE CORPS INTERNATIONAL. virtual band wreaked havoc on my animals mental health. my grandmother would always bug me while i was working which i understand now was misplaced love but it was so irritating at the time. we had library meetings once a week or so that was vital to mental health. hosted a really fun “panel” about queer identity for my queer lit class that was able to educate a lot of people. having a capstone class with am*lia was a nightmare. watched a cirque du soleil show for free and lost my mind. wrote a comedic monologue that i suffered through. suffered through papers and projects. worked on a project with celeste and kelli and we had SUCH a good time. i hosted several jackbox nights for both apo and kpy. that was SUCH an exhausting experience. also uno and drawful with the uno group (kelli would win 100% of the time). ranted about group projects lol i struggled. OH THE MOVE OUT DEBACLE i really went off the deep end. kelli’s virtual birthday!!!!

may

we had so many good jackbox nights. academic showcase and honors convocation happened wherein i was name bronco award winner and that really wrecked me too lol. we had a sunday crew hang out for library workers. clarinet game night too! i tried so hard to build community during covid and im not altogether sure i accomplished it but ya know whatever. watsky broke the record! made my “aced it” grad cap which was so FUNNY and still is tbh. becky taught me how to do makeup. took grad pictures at an abandoned farmhouse lol OH MY GOSH BEAUX ARTS AND APO SKIT i was so proud of that night and annette said it was the best one we’d ever had. wish i had done more but we did it boys. also got VERY drunk for it lol completely redid my room. bc it was NASTY. the way i write papers is so SO funny to me. had our last capstones class and then dressed in grad outfits for our last lit meeting . graduated and got all my stuff from college finally. went shopping with timothy, had el puerto with becky (i think?). oh the infamous miller moths UGH shit is nasty. THE FORMING OF BANJO SHRIMPS occurred on may 24 2020 and that was the absolute best thing to come out of this year. started working at my dads agency which was the absolute worst thing to come out of this year. attended my first protest in cos which was good and healthy. started protesting regularly after that. my most poignant memory was laying down in front of city hall and chanting “i cant breathe” for 8 minutes.

june

it snowed???? i was angry. part of my job was reading my dad’s email and there was some WACKO shit in there. went to brookes for pride as a surprise which was cute n fun. had a horrible interaction with a client. the appearance of the bigfoot statue!!!! we had a vanilla beans hang out. there was a WILD storm that literally made my hide out in the office.

july

went on a bonkers rant about america bc fuck this place. helped mom out with homework. we had several clients get divorces which was messy. went to a Bad party where i was angry the whole time. went to the top of pikes peak with my grandma and saw many much bigfoot things. we got a GOOSE he hated us so much. oh there was a night where darci and kai came over and we hijacked kelli’s spotify and communicated that way it was SO funny. took a video of the dichotomy of man bc of my long ass leg hair and short ass head hair. shaved my head to the BONE and tried dragon fruit. GOT NIKO ON JULY 24 my sweet sweet boy lil bat looking motherfucker. got denied for life insurance for mental health reasons.

august

went back to hc for a birthday “party” and to see the band. did a lot in that weekend (stayed with timothy’s family, helped becky move, met kelli’s look-alike, saw timothy and karlie’s new house!!! had lunch with kellis family which is closest to “meet my parents” i think i’ll ever get lmao). got my prof headshots and hate every single one of them but more for self esteem reasons lol. neighbors got goats and my mom lost her marbles. got trapped in traffic on the way back from hc. niko had crackhead energy. oooooooh documented gender crisis. ma got more chickens. went to a birthday party for a high school friend and was just... so out of my element. its weird. took off my grandma’s bathroom door bc she had knee surgery. started a full time job as my grandmother’s caretaker (love working for the family business lol).

september

went to breckenridge with a friend!!!!!! spicy times lol. cleaned the cupboard. had a birf. turned 22. cas finished her drugs!!!! and felt much better. we did a charcuterie board for my birthday which was very fun. Got a mixer set!!! went to hc for homecoming and graduated!!!!! surprised celeste and hannah with a celebration party for them (it was a lot of fun). came up with my BEST joke (summa cum laude). got called tf out for my gender crisis via tarot. got the goose game!!!! played the goose game!!!!

october

applied to chicago center!!!! will now be working there for a year!!!! this was the first documentation of banjo shrimp nights. surprised my dad for boss day by working with the team to fill his office with balloons. house sat for dad’s friends. started taking showers in the dark. went to celestes and made PASTA wow got very drunk and while she slept i just explored a strangers house. voted!!!!! wow. finally (finally) started to accept that i was maybe agender. had a snow day but i couldn’t work so that was fun. had halloween with banjo shrimps where i dressed up as david rose. that was SUCH a good night. participated in ace week!!! then, dressed as radar for actual halloween and had monumental. worked a volunteer haunted house and like... actually did pretty good?? felt like a real adult!!!!

november

so many things happened in november. i finished miraculous ladybug on netflix. had another bad interaction with a client bc the customer is always wrong. shaved my head. PRESENTATION NIGHT to distract from the election lmao what a good time. had so many emotions about the election. then biden won and we lost our damn minds -- video called with celeste and becky to celebrate (with the reminder that we know that this doesn’t solve everything but it was such a huge sigh of relief). started watching the last kids on earth. made more PASTA and soup! got my GHOSTY TATTOO. kahoot night with the banjo shrimps lol. watched the supernatural finale with kelli (what good memories) rewatched 3below good shit. got the chicago job so i quit being an insurance person!!!! brooke came for thanksgiving!!!

december

i dont wanna talk about it but i finally started watching unus annus (theres an archive its not the same but it provided me wild amounts of serotonin). “call that invisible split dye”. crimmus. had a video call with people from high school i rarely if ever see. this entire month has been a fuckin blur my guys but i’m so excited for what’s next. in two days i will be in an apartment in chicago. i will be reunited with my best friend in a little under two weeks. i cannot emphasize enough how excited i am for this next chapter. so yeah. that was my year. im sure there was more memories but that’s what the sideblog is for lol

#firefly talks #yearly wrap up

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