ugh im bored which inevitably leads to being horny because i just scroll on here when im bored but then i get tired of being horny so i stop and then im bored all over again 😔

wow I didn’t think reblogging that tea post and then seeing people’s tags would deal me such strong psychic damage. come over I can fix you I can find a tea you will like. “I don’t like tea” how can you say that as a blanket statement when there are so many vastly different kinds of tea. head in hands

Every time i look at 1992 uwe tod i come away thinking that tod just..... should be weird. We can't be having normie tods running around... I want him to be this completely inhuman figure who tries to get close to humanity (because how do you personify death??) but deeply misunderstands some things, especially things like human behaviour and emotions. Máté is good at this too, he just did it in a different way, but after those two the effect is never really potent enough again. I mean, there is something to say for prods with humanized or gentle etc tods, at least theyre doing something else than mrak seiber, but it's not quite it for me at least. He needs to be weird because Elisabeth is weird and, dissatisfied with her life, craves a poem in the flesh.

And for me personally (this is not me saying gender non conformity is weird or inhuman btw, it's not, it's just hot and looks good) i want back the mayerling dress and all that, and the actors should be styled accordingly, if he's not going to put on eyeshadow and blush and get dolled up to kill rudolf then don't fucking cast him?? There are enough musical actors out there who like straying from the mold, the overlap between drag performers and musical artists is not insignificant. Hell, if despite your best attempts macho guys are still the only guys you can find, then cast a woman (trans or cis - for a trans woman the role might be easier/not require rewrites, because of vocal range), cast a nonbinary performer. You don't really have to change stuff in the script, someone who's not a man can still be a "prince" if the styling is androgynous. It really is that simple...

also this should maybe be a separate post but 1992 is so iconic for portraying mayerling as a romance, rudolf running to embrace tod, twirly dancing, Big Damn Kiss (rudolf barely notices the actual act of shooting himself, he's so busy making out) - up until the very end, when rudolf is dumped unceremoniously on the floor. symbolism. It's such a better deeper way to tackle the subject. Suicidal ideation doesn't just beat you over the head violently, mental illness/depression lures you in with promises of a "solution" but actually only offers a miserable nothing.

This is also why it's so important for Elisabeth to get dumped on the floor as well - there's more care in that than in how Rudolf is treated, Tod is obviously distraught, but that's the point and the tragedy of the show!!!! Freedom is fleeting, dreams are fleeting, emotion is fleeting, but yearning for them is what makes us human!!

If he carries her away the moral of the story becomes "if you die you get a hot supernatural partner that's obsessed with you!!!" No!!!!!!! The romance narrative is a big lie, suicidal ideation is a big lie, history is a big lie, it's all connected, but we always cover shit up with kitsch because some people prefer a simple romantic reading to the degree that they warp the rest of the story around it. I stg people have just replaced sissi movie trilogy fairytale prince FJ (1950s) with elisabethdasmusical fairytale prince modern peugeot king mark seibert leather tod (2020s) or insert whatever other boyfriend death you prefer

adhd comix

rotting from the inside out. i need a sound proof box to fucking scream in. god. have u ever screamed from a meltdown so much u broke ur voice for a few days ? i have n that shit sucks ! it hurts ! it feels like ur being strangled every swallow n everyone is like are u sick what happened !!! n u have to make up an excuse bcs u can’t tell them that u spent the better part of the night yelling until ur eardrums popped n they already think ur strange so any reason u give is just taken with a nervous grin

this is your reminder that if I don’t follow you on tumblr I still love you.

i think this website may be allergic to the idea that most medications aren't for neurological stuff

i regret to inform you all that i just did ~30 minutes of basic beginner yoga and it did, in fact, help shut up the hobgoblin that lurks in my brain.

Why am I starting my summer off with such bad writers block and art block? This sucks ass.

Don’t be afraid to request me stuff. It helps a lot because my brain.

And yes. I have over 70+ drafts leave me alone

And let’s have three cheers for surviving the first week! 2 more before my gene testing should be finished. Maybes that’s why I have writers block. I’m so stressed

…..Do you think wizards get cancer? If so, how do they react and treat it?

i love thinking that Betty was also part of the underworld. Or related to someone in the Clemente family or part of the family or an accomplice

I’m really starting to feel like Gregor Samsa now

It's not hard to do so WHY IS IT SO HARD. My teacher posts filled in copies of the notes online so I just have to copy in down so WHY IS COPYING IT DOWN SO HARD. I fucking hate this. I don't care to do my work because I know I can pass the tests but fuck I don't wanna fail. But GOD it's so hard to force myself to do the work.

ive been genuinely distressed about how bad my adhd has been this past month

i hate you microtransactions i hate you paywalls i hate you apps updating to require subscriptions i hate you subscriptions i hate you money i hate you demanding money for things that used to be free i hate you

i feel like my brain was made for surviving a zombie apocalypse, not for existing in the current world (even with all the bullshit constantly going on)

every two months or so i learn the exact same lesson, which is that if something doesn’t have a deadline, it will not get done, ever. and this applies to things i want to do purely for myself, because i enjoy them. if i won’t set a deadline, i will never ‘feel like it’

on the other hand, setting a deadline gives me immense anxiety that makes me feel like i am running away from a wolf 24/7. it is a tremendous (and only effective) motivator to get shit done, but it also pumps metric tonnes of adrenaline and cortisol into my blood that i can only get off by working frantically in a hyperfocus or going on a 10km walk. 

so the only two states i exist in are sluggish apathy and frenzied activity. no inbetween. which is not at all how i want to live my life. i want something other than spending a whole day bored and unsettled and only being able to play video games or scroll my phone - or physically shaking over a to-do list that i crammed to the brim on purpose in hopes i will get at least something done

in conclusion, i want a return on this brain. it’s a much higher difficulty setting than i was promised