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#i hate it and i wanna find my way back
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the urge to start writing fanfiction but i have never written a piece of fanfiction ever and haven't written creatively outside of school projects in years 😭😭😭😭
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thottybrucewayne · 3 months
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No, real question. How you a transmed and nonbinary?
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cheriboms · 7 months
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doctober day 20: rear-view mirror
the REAL reason that the cops and jennifer got to the house before they did is bc they were stuck circling the block for like ten minutes ://
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torchickentacos · 5 months
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sillybouquetoflillies · 3 months
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i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out
#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk#i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting#but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it#so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life#wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around#so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length#how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg#ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most#i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway#i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!!#i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well#i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately#I DUNNO#i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out#i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems#n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me#i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want#while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt 🥰#i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts#i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!!#its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there#i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl#i just dont know what yet#concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent#ok i think this ramble is ovr#im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!
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bibiana112 · 7 months
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There's nothing wrong with people having their dearest most specialest blorbo be Eric ztd it is unironically good for the ecosystem and I always love seeing the different perspectives from other fans but what I am here today to ask is why is no one like that about Mira. whatever happened to feminism.
#every categorically insane man in this series has their dedicated fans and every popular character also has a bunch of red flags so like#to be fair no one's too crazy about Lotus or Alice either hm like people either outright dislike them conceptually because of their designs#or you know just have an appreciation for them as characters but not quite focusing on them much at all#like me#and like are the tropes that make up her character problematic? yeah! that didn't stop y'all from liking Saito a whole lot#now he's better woven into the narrative of the game he's in but then my point's back to Eric lol#like it is just fucking ludicrous the amount of stuff in the whole Series not to mention the game Alone that she's responsible for#but it does feel disconnected (being responsible for the Kurashiki's parents deaths)#frustrating (being responsible for injecting Phi whith Rad-6)#and overall just kinda glossed over? (beheading Junpei and killing off D-Team that one time because she was in cahoots with Zero)#so like I get why people wouldn't like her she's a bad plot device but THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING#THAT'S NOT REALLY STOPPING ANYONE and it's not even like people are very vocal about hating her either#at most I've seen it be lumped in with some major complains about the game like as a whole#the way we find out so early she's a serial killer it's kinda shocking but not really? it ends up as just kinda ridiculous and underwhelming#imo that's the whole game but again even when it comes to people who Do Like this game#anyways free to reblog I Do wanna talk about this but I am absolutely Not putting this in the tag lmao could you imagine#like is the trope of having one big booba female character per game and for it to be a Defining Characteristic kinda not great? yeah#but also like shrug#we've let Uchikosh get away with worse
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opens-up-4-nobody · 4 months
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...
#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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memorys-skyscraper · 23 days
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the scene in yakuza 5 where shinada and milky dance on the roof talking about how they should run away and start over in a new town with new jobs and new lives, only for milky to abruptly stop and let shinada go when she gets called back downstairs to work, while shinada is sent stumbling by suddenly being let go until he too comes to a stop, burns a hole in my brain
#rambles#yakuza#yakuza liveblogging#like man. MAN. that shit hits home#milky saying 'i wanna be a teacher this time- that was my dream as a kid!'#and shinada replying 'you can! nothings stopping you! you can start over!' with a tone that borders on hysterical#he's so desperate to believe it's possible because in that moment he can see it- he sees his way out#for a moment he's blind to all the things that have kept him from doing exactly what he's proposing every other time he's considered it#hes trapped in a glass house- he can see freedom but knows he cant reach it. but for a moment he lets himself forget the glass is there#but milky doesnt. she thinks hes being cute and plays along but as soon as she lets him go the music cuts and the moment is gone.#reality comes crashing back down- they're not going anywhere.#and i mean. idk if this is a common/universal experience but ive had many a late night where ive done exactly the same thing#fantasized about quitting my job/going back to school/finding some means of self employment/moving somewhere totally new#and ive had those fleeting moments where i could see it- i could see how i could make it work#or i could see that there's nothing *physically* stopping me from doing any of those things#and if i could just sum up enough courage i could do anything i wanted with my life#but then i wake up the next day and that vision is gone.#i cant see outside the glass house anymore- i can only see the reflection of the inside.#tl;dr i should revisit y5- the writers were cooking and i didnt take enough time to savor it#(esp not the shinada section bc i hated his combat style lol)
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pyrothecary · 7 months
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raffafdeln. openhear t adventurw (aINCLUDES SPOEILRS FOR ALL OF OH1)
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WKWJWJDJWKKWDKKFJEJWKSNDKHFJEJSKSKSKDJXJDJJSKZJXJDJWWKDKFJDKSIXUVHJSKSNCJSKEJCJSJKSJCNFJWKDHCKWIDJCJDJSJDHCIWKFHRJSNSJXJ!!!;!3!(!(!(&4&!4!3!3& FINALLY FIALLYFINALLY HES HERE HES HERE IMHES
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ABFHJSJFH <33333 i know this is like bad. for him. but it's so sexy when he doesn't even have to think about risking his life for strangers and as a Fictional Character who now has plot armour after the hellhole that was book 2 i think he should keep doing that. i love a man in uniform 😍
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TRUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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LEKKKEKETS FUCKING GO
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LET'S FUCKING GO.
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LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO
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there are twears in my eyes guysnIFFORGOT WHY I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE AFTER HAVING MY BRAIN WASHED BY BOOK 2 AND 3. BUT HESS SOFOSOSOSO U EI MD GJKF rafael aveiro you are so perfect to me and for me. let's have our wedding in the sandy beaches of tahiti
also i have no idea how i didn't buy this diamond choice before. there's no way past me chose to go to ETHAN instead of him right lol. no way right lol....?
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...... Eueuuugghhhghh
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EUUGHGGGHGH
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WEUIFHGGHHFFJFJ raf u have no idea <3 stapling up ur appendix is what made me swear off the other LIs once and for all (sorry there's something wrong with me)
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i;m ijnkvlvllvvvlvvleeiwthekyuouuuuu i can't believe we had all this. and then we went from THIS to.... book 2.... and even when i got him back he was never the same
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[through tears] there is nothing sexier than consent
ok book complete. there is a pit in my gut thinking about what i know will happen the next time i see him in book 2 but haha this is fine! i swear to god i'm going to do a fanfic rewrite of AT THE VERY LEAST the quarantine scenes. i don't know how soon but i know in my heart that i will not be able to rest until it happens
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widevibratobitch · 9 months
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i hate them with a passion
#this may turn into one of my long ass posts with hundreds of screenshots of quotes from the books#but i dont have the energy for that just now#anyway. this moment makes me wanna throw shit at the walls. their relationship is my favourite thing from the very beginning#but dumas went really went out of his way to make it even more insane in the last book#and dont hit me with a 'aww they have such a big/little brother energy its so cute uwu' please im begging you stop saying that#nothing irks me more than hearing their relationship described as something that innocent. its so much more complex and intense come on#there is pure visceral hate there. jealousy. bile. cruelty. some fucked up form of codependency even? maybe? from d'artagnan's side?#there's nothing more horrible and cruel than the fact that THEY are the only two left alive in the end (not for long but yknow)#they would NEVER be friends if not for athos (and they would never hate each other so much if not for him too)#they hate each other so so much. but remember that d'artagnan starts out being absolutely bedazzled by aramis and looking up to him#his first impression of aramis is just. hearteyes and 'wow i wish that were me'. he doesnt do that even with athos at first.#he grows to adore athos yes but upon first meeting him he doesnt think much of him. unlike with aramis.#and then it changes instantly. does a 180° flip when aramis is a bitch to him.#and it stays that way for the entirety of the trilogy. until this moment. this one short moment when d'artagnan#who. mind you. is not innocent himself and was also manipulating the hell out of porthos and talking shit about aramis behind his back.#but he makes that step. he reaches out. 'i fucking hate you let me help you you dumb evil cunt' and aramis says 'no <3'#you know i have this thing where i am OBSESSED with finding the one moment where a character condemns themselves for good.#the one moment when they figuratively sign the contract for their perdition. that up to that moment they could still be saved somehow.#for rodrigo it is when he tries to kill eboli (in the play). for don giovanni it is when he refuses elvira's plea to change#(NOT when he accepts il commendatore's invite mind you)#and i feel like THIS is that moment for aramis.#the fact that it comes from d'artagnan is so just so fucking agsjssgsgsh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and of course he says no.#there is no version of this where he lets himself be helped. he has to say no he will always say no.#but boy oh boy is this making me bang my head against the wall.#the three musketeers#les trois mousquetaires#vicomte de bragelonne#alexandre dumas
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limielle · 7 months
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idk i feel like so much discourse could be easily minimized if people learned to say "i think" instead of "it is"
#like “i think this is a bad game” is way less abrasive/aggressive than “this is a bad game”#do u know where im going w this like#it's literally 2 extra words and it could avoid like 99% of confrontation#ofc there would still be people who are like “omg how can u hate smth i like ur trash” but idk i feel like so much of this discourse u see#on twt especially#is like ? just people being deliberately aggressive abt stuff they dont like to antagonise others and then going “its just my opinion”#and it's hard to read tone online so it's often hard for me (and im sure for others ?? idk actually) to read whether or not sm1 is being#like. just sharing what they think vs them trying to bait out people who will defend smth they like#idk ive been trying to find ffxiv people to follow bc getting back into the game and finally being confident in my art to draw for it also#has me looking for ppl to follow but i wanna avoid the big livetweet first time experiencers and unfortunately that leaves#a lot of people who are afraid of dawntrail/unhappy with the current patch quests#of which i am neither and i also dont want to log on to the internet every day just to see ppl shitting on things u know ?#and i have seen a LOT of like#'x sucked' and 'fandom lacks critical reading skills' and whatnot#but then u see what theyre talking abt and all theyre doing is shitting on the game itself or going 'x expansion was mid'#like . if u stopped phrasing ur opinions as objective fact i feel like maybe ud avoid half those arguments id k???#just words#SORRY im talkative today the truth is i worked on a drawing veyr hard and i do not have the strength to colour it but it will not look good#without colour and i feel like i cant move on without it so i went and replayed shadowbringers instead and cried a lot#and now i have lots of icarus feelings again#WOW loiok at me writing an essay out here i overshare so much im sorry
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kindacreepy-kindaugly · 2 months
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Why do I still hate myself for not livin up to the person I used to pretend to be
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wishmemel · 2 months
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chan hating himself is my roman empire
#how can someone so strong and capable and talented and gorgeous hate himself so much#like my god he’s so devastating#everything about him is laced with tragedy#the whole idea of loving him from afar (or any idol at all) and watching them say things like that about themself#and just not being able to. do. anything?#it’s so frustrating that the only way this works is that he has to put in the effort and realize his own worth but we don’t know if he does#or even will#because you can’t force someone to love them self or fix themself right#you can only love them through it and hope it’s enough#but it’s just sooo frustrating i’m#head in my hands he’s so devastating#i wish he was different#:((#he’s so beautiful and so precious i’m so ill#i wanna give him the world#and the way he always stands in the back and observes the group as if he’s detached from this whole reality#as if he’s somewhere else completely#the way he once said that if it weren’t for the members and skz he wouldn’t even be alive#like he got a second chance at life#like he was saved all because of them#the heartbreaking way he said ‘you don’t care about me’ to minho like he really believed that#oh i wish someone would just grab his face and drill it into his head that he’s loved and he’s important and he matters !!!#he’s so me i’m so him#maybe that’s why i find him so tragic#it’s a loop#waiting to find the thing that saves me#or maybe it’s just the small things around me that i’ve been taking for granted#꒰ soon you'll get better. ꒱
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orcelito · 3 months
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The fun thing is that sudden deaths absolutely do cause trauma. And stacked deaths probably do too.
I've got like 0 trust that people I love are not gonna just drop dead out of nowhere now. Since this has happened twice now where I found out literally as it was fucking happening, no chance to say goodbye.
So like. Woo fuckin hoo.
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emeraldcreeper · 6 months
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The way books are marketed now gives me fucking hives like it’s cool that you can find a romantic comedy where there’s fake dating (which is less fun when it’s characters I have to learn to care about it seems or I read a Bad One) but like I get so frustrated when all I read on a review is “this sapphic romance with xyz and trope trope trope is soooo spicy!” Just say it’s a romantic comedy with sex scenes, half the time they’re bad and awkward I just want lesbian porn that’s done well! And ain’t spiiicy scenes like cool I’d love to see good ones that aren’t written in to be there to say it’s spicy gimmie good porn in the romance novel make me love the characters instead of going oh they tick 3/5 diversity boxes that’s… so cool.
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snekdood · 1 year
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Quite honestly, i think people just dont like to acknowledge how many times i have been victimized bc it doesnt work for their narrative of the Scary Bad Trans Guy With No Regard For Others And Likes To Kick Puppies And Doesnt Know Real Pain Or Trauma
#bc otherwise yall would have to feel bad about putting me through way more additional unnecessary trauma on here#and i swear its yall who believe everything my abuser says about me. you need to tell yourself its true that i did the shit they accuse me#of and theyre just this pure uwu innocent pewson who doews no wongg umu#yall dont wanna except ive been through hell bc then you gotta accept youve put me through additional unnecessary hell that only warped my#perception worse of a community i thought i was fuckin part of and accepted in but apparently tf not#like you only have yourselves to blame for that shit. for why i hate online queer spaces now.#man it would just suck so so hard for your narrative if i was actually abused as much as i say and my abusive x was actually lying about me#bc otherwise how will you pretend trans men never ever experience any issues ever?#like i dont need to look. ik im one of the main blogs yall like to target and put on blast for transandrophobia stuff bc im super fuckin#outspoken about my shit (nevermind that yall never directly confront me). i already know thats how it is bc theres ppl on here who have a#apparently deep interest in constantly hating me and trying to find reasons im wrong. so when i say something is bad they habe to act like#its good actually somehow. and ik it all roots back to my abuser. there is literally no other reason i can think of that would mame ppl#that invested in hating me unless they believe everything my ex says. so undoubtedly theres ppl in my exs spaces who believe#transandrophobia is fake men arent oppressed ever etc etc. i digress. but ik its yall who've propped this whole shit up#ik its yall who put me on blast for this first and triwled to spread it that i was one of the Big Bad Names in the transandrophobia spaces#so ik yall use me as an example. ik you tell people i lie about everything. ik you tell people i exaggerate. ik you tell people im crazy#ik you tell ppl they cant trust me or rely on me and spread all the bs my ex says about me and even spreads their abuse toward me further#by even doing that shit. yall NEED to keep believing that im the Big Bad Trans Guy that you think i am bc otherwise your whole worldview#falls tf apart. everything you've been standing on online about how trans mascs who believe in transandrophobia are bad would fall apart.#if i am really as fuckin abused and victimized as i say. suddenly you dont get to use me as the example for Bad Transandrophobia Believer#and I KNOW thats the only reason yall choose not to listen or believe us. its LITERALLY just because you're choosing a side in a personal#relationship situation. ik it has nothing to do with politics for plenty of you. you're taking a side and shitting out reasons for why you#did after the fact.#if you really care about politics n shit you should listen to ALL THE OTHER TRANS MEN TALKING ABOUT THIS#besides using one person as your example for why you shouldnt believe people who believe this is a thing.#i mean. even aside the fucking fact that its all bs. if yall dont wanna believe me. whatever. you can get traumatized by them if you want#idefc at this point. if you actually care about politics as much as you say you gotta engage w people in good faith and uh maybe try n#listen to the SWATHES of other trans guys who also talk about this shit and thinks its real.
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