#i hate how this shit makes me so jaded and angry and cynical its really silly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iamanartichoke · 4 years

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Why do you feel that way about fandom? (In regards to your latest reblog)

Ah, I’m not sure if I know how to explain it, but I’ll try. (This got long, so I’m really sorry.)

The thing is, I first got into the Loki fandom early in 2018, so I’m coming up on about two years of being active here. That first year was so fun and exciting; I was elated to be able to discuss my Loki theories and meta with like-minded people, and I was so happy (and surprised!) at the attention my fic was getting.

I was also still at a point where I believed IW was going to blow our minds, so there was that extra kind of thrill of suspense (and a bit of fear but, when you believe in the MCU and haven’t yet lost faith in its writers/directors, the fear is surface-level and adds to the thrill - there’s not really the accompanying dread and despair).

IW was a crushing blow to that, of course, but even though we were all devastated, we were all devastated as a fandom. We were still in it together; we had one another to vent to and cry with and share fic with. “Loki is alive bc reasons” became kind of an unwritten rule in most post-IW fics; we all agreed that Loki deserved better.

In 2019, two things happened: one, I was underemployed and dragging my feet on finding better employment due to my mental health, which ruined my life for a little while. I had to move back in with my parents, which (I love them and am grateful they were willing to support me, but) was a toxic environment. I was too depressed to indulge in my escapism the same way (fic and fandom) and my progress on my stories slowed way down. I’ve never quite been able to get back the momentum I had when writing Sanctuary, but that’s another issue.

The second thing that happened was, obviously, Endgame came out and whatever theories and hopes the fandom was collectively holding onto about Loki were crushed. Not only that, but the portrayal of Thor seemed to amplify the divide in the fandom between the pro/anti Ragnarok argument.

It seems, to me, that what was a series of battles or skirmishes only became an all-out war after Endgame. That’s only my perception, of course, but I do feel that the latter part of 2019 saw the divide grow larger and larger. Everyone had opinions on what the “correct” portrayal of Thor was, and how it related to Loki, and whether fanon Thor and Loki’s relationship was founded in canon or not. Everyone was defensive of their own point of view; bullying and name-calling and anon hate became more widespread.

Again, this is just my observation. Those who’ve been on the front lines since Ragnarok came out probably have a much different perspective; I’m only talking about what I observed bc it directly impacts how I feel about fandom these days.

So here we are in 2020; like I said, I’ve been here about two years. I haven’t rewatched any of the Thor movies in ages (although @delyth88 and I are talking about it), because they make me so sad and also so angry. Sad for what we had, angry for what could have been. So much wasted potential. Loki’s horrific end hangs over everything, as does Thor’s radical character change, and I don’t have the same excited outlook about the characters and the meta potential anymore.

Not having watched the movies in a long time, along with that feeling of “ugh” around them, impacts me creatively bc I’m not actively feeding my writing inspiration. For me, fanfic writing comes from being so full of feels about the source material that I just can’t get enough and I need more. I draw my inspiration from things like watching Loki’s facial expressions, catching subtle moments between Thor and Loki, analyzing the way they speak, thinking about the story choices happening, and so on, and so on.

My source of inspiration has dried up, in other words, which has made it hard for me to keep a good writing momentum going. I was feeling great when I rewrote Sea, and then my inspiration kind of plummeted again - this time, bc I felt that I did such a good job rewriting and the response was so positive, I didn’t know if I could finish the rest of the story as well. Like I was already setting up the second half to fail, bc it would be much more “rough draft” than the first - revised and polished, yes, but not gone over with a fine-toothed comb the way the first part was.

The truth is, I carry a lot of stress and anxiety around my writing. I am always incredibly anxious that no one actually likes my fic, that no one is reading my fic, that people think it’s stupid or pointless, that my quirky humorous touches are ooc, that my plotlines are convoluted and boring and my sex scenes awkward and non-existent.

I’m having trouble with the Valki relationship bc I haven’t watched Ragnarok in so long, I’ve forgotten how much chemistry was between them and how it made me feel. I’ve forgotten why I chose to pair them up in this ‘verse in the first place. And I worry about that, too - that the people who read my stories for the Valki are walking away unsatisfied.

So that’s where I am with fic writing - slow and steady, still trying to find my footing, still secretly assuming what I write is shit.

This is on top of feeling more and more isolated on tumblr, mostly because of the aforementioned tensions and overall negativity that’s erupted in the fandom. I have been unfollowed and blocked by people who were once mutuals; I have been blocked by people I’ve never spoken to before.

There’s so much stress surrounding the things I post now - I’m constantly thinking, have I worded this correctly to convey my meaning without shitting on someone else’s opinion? Is this post going to be the one that makes this or that mutual unfollow me? Am I tagging correctly so my pro Ragnarok mutuals don’t see my criticism, and vice versa? Can I still post pictures of Chris Hemsworth, who is possibly the only man in the world I am definitely attracted to, which is a shame bc I agree that he’s kind of a douche now? But he’s so beautiful, but I have to disclaim that it’s just his face I’m attracted to? If I reblog this post about Loki that I think is hilarious, but is also founded on the flat stabby villain characterization, will I alienate my anti friends? Does it imply I don’t understand or appreciate Loki and that, by reblogging the thing, I’m endorsing a shitty characterization?

And so on. It makes scrolling my dashboard uncomfortable and un-fun, bc I end up saving tons of posts to my drafts without reblogging them, and after awhile I am not enjoying myself, so I stop scrolling.

But this means I miss tons of mutuals’ posts, and I was trying to check individual blogs for awhile but I kept falling further behind, and there were more and more posts I’d missed, and I’d get overwhelmed and then feel like they probably hated me anyway at this point for being a shit mutual, so I might as well just keep lurking on the dash for ten minutes and call it a day.

On top of that, I haven’t read fic in awhile bc of this mindset, so I haven’t commented, and then when I don’t get comments it’s like, well, maybe the story’s not shitty but no one’s reading it bc what do I expect when I’m not reading theirs? You’re not special, Charlotte.

The worst part about all of this is that none of it should diminish (and hasn’t diminished!) my love of Loki as a character. I am excited about the series, but I am also very anxious about it - about the story not being good, yes, but also about the inevitably divide that will further split the fandom.

No matter how the story goes, someone’s going to be upset. You can’t please everyone, and trying only makes for worse storytelling. So the wank will continue.

But I love Loki. I love everything about him. I am interested in writing about him and reading about him and thinking about him. I am invested in him and always will be. It’s just that, right now, I’m kind of falling further and further out of fandom and I find I have less to say.

And so I either have to wait it out, or work on my own mindset, or keep on keeping on. I just don’t know how long that will take or if I’m even liked enough here to try to bother.

tl;dr: Fandom has made me cynical and jaded, and it has dampened not my love of Loki, but my love of interacting with the Loki fandom.

(I know you didn’t ask for this hot garbage pile of my feelings, anon, so I’m sorry.)

#charlotte replies #a nonny mouse #fandom wank

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squiishiichaos · 5 years

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Rikuroku? And they only start getting along after they make sora cry ((maybe out of frustration bc they were always arguing or fighting)) and learn they have a ton in common

(Anon. What the fuck. Why would you make me do this to Sora?

…but okay. Here you go.)

_______________

Sometimes, life was like glass–fragile and easily broken. Other times, no matter how hard Roxas slammed the bottle against a tile counter, it just refused to fucking break.

Sometimes–like now–it was a bit of both.

Staring at his long-time best friend on the brink of tears, he could do nothing but glare at their only mutual friend where he stood leering sidelong at the floor from his place leaned stoically against the wall.

With his hands folded across his chest, Riku looked angrier than he had any right being considering he was the one who started this whole fucking thing. If he had just listened to Roxas the last eight-hundred times he told him to leave him the fuck alone, maybe Sora wouldn’t look like someone had kicked his goddamn puppy.

But no. Of course not.

Because Riku just had to march his ass into the gym at the exact same time Roxas was using it to conveniently skip class and he just had to give him that fucking look like he was the worst piece of garbage on this fucking green Earth. And yeah, okay, maybe he had jumped the gun when he asked him what the fuck he was looking at, but could you blame him?

How Sora could even put up with accusatory looks like that was fucking beyond him, but then again, with all the glares pointed at him, maybe Sora didn’t know the all-consuming rage it brought along with it.

He certainly did now–if Riku’s bloody nose was anything to go by. Though–and Roxas would never admit this out loud–Riku had managed to slug him a good couple times before their friend came to the rescue.

Then–then–he had the audacity to tell him he was fucking lucky. What bullshit! Lucky for who? Himself, maybe, because Roxas was just getting warmed up.

“Stop it!”

Roxas paled as the Brunet tried–and failed–to compose himself with a sniffling breath. “Stop what? I’m not even doing anything!”

“I know you, Roxas! Don’t you dare try and tell me that if I wasn’t standing right here, you wouldn’t go right back to fighting him!”

Oh, no, there was no question about that.

So, he stayed silent and let that glassy glare bore right through to his soul as Sora seethed, “that’s what I thought.” A low growl that had no right coming out of Sora’s mouth–of all places–was followed by a drag of hands down sun-kissed skin. “You guys cannot keep doing this. It was okay when you were just teenagers, but we are about to graduate University, guys! You’re too old for this shit!”

Oh, fuck. Riku and Roxas shared the same wide-eyed look from across the gym as that one out-of-place word set off alarm bells in both their minds.

But before either of them could dare say a word to try and assuage the obvious hue of anger dusting the Brunet’s cheeks, he was already huffing out the last signs of tears from his lungs and staring them both down with hands poised dangerously on his hips.

“Look,” he began with a sharp edge, “This is the last time. I want to be friends with both of you without biting my nails any time I want to invite the both of you. I’m not asking for much, here. I don’t care if you hate each other, just figure shit out so you don’t get me arrested as an accomplice in murder.

“Now,” and he clapped his hands loud enough that they both nearly jumped, “I’m gonna give you guys some time alone. Talk. Fight. Blow each other. I don’t fucking care, just…please. I will not choose between the two of you.”

With that, the Brunet stalked over to the door and left two behind to stare at his wake.

The click of the door shutting came with a tension that settled in a miasma between them thicker than any mystery meat the cafeteria back in Twilight Town had ever served. It was suffocating. Debilitating. But it also came with a punch to the gut that had Roxas right back into the same fight-or-flight response that got them into this mess in the first place.

His conscience told him, this is where you say sorry, but the devil sitting pretty on his shoulder whispered, make him eat shit and grovel.

Guess which one he fucking chose. “This is all your fault.”

“Excuse me?” At least Riku had the decency to sound as annoyed as Roxas felt. “You attacked me, remember? All I did was open the fucking door!”

“Oh, horseshit! You could’ve just ignored me and gone somewhere else!”

“Where else would you like me to go, huh?”

“Literally anywhere I’m not!”

“Well, sorry to break it to you, Roxas, I don’t know where the fuck you are at every fucking hour of the goddamn day! I know this might be hard for your paranoid mind to understand, but sometimes, I actually do shit that doesn’t revolve around you. Most of the time, in fact!”

Okay, that did it. “What the actual fuck, Reek? You make it sound like I’m obsessed with you or something!”

“Oh, like you’re not?” Roxas actually reeled back at that one. Is that how it seemed? Like he had a-a-grade school crush or something?

“Fuck no! Eww, why the fuck would I ever be obsessed with you?!”

Green jades narrowed into a piercing leer. “You’ve been the bane of my existence since we were fourteen-fucking-years-old. Any time I tried to just hang out with Sora, you’d get all defensive–”

“Yeah, because you hogged him all to yourself! You literally threw a tantrum for three days straight because he asked Kairi to the Beach Ball instead of you!” Riku made rolling his eyes somehow look like the most dramatic action in the entire world. It only pissed Roxas off more that he actually made it look–dare he say it–good.

“And what about you, huh? You quit Hayner cold turkey for three whole months because he called Sora stupid once.”

“He fucking deserved that shit.” A slight quirk at the corner of Riku’s lips almost pulled a bit of pride from Roxas. It was so cynical and maniacal–the kind of dark expression the Silveret seemed to reserve only for him.

Only for me? What the fuck, brain? No!

“I never said he didn’t, did I?” Shifting where he stood leaned against the opposite wall, worn sneakers squeaked against the wood floor louder than if one of them had screamed. It made the distance lingering between them seem even larger than when Sora had been standing in the dead center of it. Made it feel unnecessary when they were supposedly in the middle of an argument.

But Roxas refused to be the one who closed it. Adamantly refused. “Then why the fuck are you bringing it up?”

“You air my dirty laundry, I air yours.” That cocky little smirk. It stuck there as Riku finally came off his perch and stood tall with a confidence he often swallowed when around his friends. A suaveness that had once–a long time ago–made him think, I wish I could be that cool.

“What’s next, then? Wanna remind me of the time I nearly got my own ass jumped by Seifer because I caught him talking shit about Sora? Or maybe you’d rather tell me about the time that you called me selfish for blowing him off on his birthday!”

“You made him cry on his Birthday! What else did you expect me to do? You didn’t even have a good excuse!”

On the contrary, Roxas had a perfectly good excuse. He had simply refused to explain over the phone how Lea and Isa had been fighting for weeks and that he was honestly afraid their engagement was one bad argument away from lapsing and his entire home life of falling to shit. Refused to let himself cry on Sora’s shoulder on his Birthday, when he should be happy and stuffing his face with cake. Or to hear his best friend calmly say, “the party can wait one more night. You need me more right now,” when he knew that the Brunet had been waiting literal months for that sleepover.

Fat lot of good lying had done him. Sora had ignored him for a solid week afterwards, and even Riku had refused to look at him. The only cherry on top of a bad life had been two weeks later, when Riku finally got up the balls to confront him and Roxas got the honor of fracturing his wrist during the ensuing fight.

Not one of his finer moments, but it had certainly gotten a lot of problems off his back in one foul swoop.

“Whatever, Asshole. You’re prol’ly still angry I won that fight.”

“Believe it or not, Roxas, that was probably one of the only times I actually respected you.”

Letting out a harsh bark of a laugh, the Blonde felt his fists ball at his sides. “Excuse me?”

“You missed that party for him, not you, and I could see the pain it caused written all over your face. Until then, I really thought you were just a selfish git, but no narcissist could feel that much guilt. In retrospect,” he sighed offhandedly with another of those classy eye-rolls, “I guess I should’ve realized you’d never miss a chance to hang out with Sora without good reason, considering you followed him like a love-struck puppy all the time.”

“Who told you?” It came out weaker than he intended it to. He wanted it to sound bitter and deadly, but it instead sounded fragile. Like the bottle he’d been slamming against the kitchen sink was finally on its way to cracking open.

Right now, Riku looked no better. “I…heard some rumors from one of the members of the Swim Team. Said they’d had a big break-up right around the same time.”

“And clever little fucking you put the pieces together.”

“Look,” Riku sighed, pushing back the long waves of his platinum hair with equally long fingers, “we obviously have our differences and I don’t wanna be your friend anymore than you probably want to be mine–” Roxas’s harsh laugh cut him off just long enough to elicit a warning glance before he continued–”but I’m not losing Sora because we’re both stubborn pieces of shit.”

“A-fucking-men.” Scratching angrily at the back of his neck, Roxas glared back at Riku. “So, what do you propose?”

“A truce.”

Roxas snorted. “A truce? What’s next? A goddamn treaty? We gonna have to bring in a fucking banker to Notarize it?”

“If we have to, yes.”

“Holy shit,” the Blonde breathed, “you’re fucking serious.”

“Yes,” the Silveret confirmed with another of those piercing leers, “as serious as a heart attack.”

Huffing out the air from his chest in an oof, Roxas ruffled the messy strands of his unkempt hair and cautiously took a couple steps into the gaping delta between them. Riku took two of his own, and like pieces on a chessboard, they slowly closed the distance remaining until it was just the two of them–alone in an open room–with nothing but a foot of air between them.

The last time they’d been this close, Roxas had literally punched the air out of his chest and kneed this fucker in the nose. Literally about five minutes ago.

Speaking of which, “I’m not gonna say sorry for your nose.”

Riku rolled his eyes. “I didn’t think you would.”

“If that’s a stipulation of the truce, I’m not agreeing to it.”

“I want your apology even less than you want to give it.”

“Good.”

“Great.”

“Fucking perfect.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake–can we just shake on this so we can leave with our friendship to Sora in tact? Please?” Roxas felt his lips tilt into a snarky grin against his will.

“Is this what I’ve reduced you to, Reek? Fucking begging?” Jade daggers honed in on his jugular with an accuracy that was almost terrifying when they were close enough the Silveret could actually get a clean shot for his vitals. Dare he say it, Roxas was almost…proud?

Fuck it.

Reaching out a hand, Roxas let the grin twist into a challenging smirk. “I, Roxas, hereby agree to not start shit with you while in the presence of Sora. This includes–” he faked a gag that earned him a reprimanding slap to the back of his head and his own little demonic laugh–”occasionally engaging you in conversation if the occasion demands it.”

“You know, I’m not that bad.”

“Certainly are easy on the eyes.”

“Did you just–”

“Shake my fucking hand, Reeks. I ain’t got all damn day.”

Rolling his eyes, Riku slapped his hand into his and gripped it tight enough to almost earn him a wince. Never one to be outdone, Roxas squeezed back with enough force to have the Swimmer glaring bloody murder at his would-be corpse. “I, Riku, too, hereby agree to not start or answer shit with you while in the presence of Sora. Should that mean putting up with your fucking bullshit–”

“You love me, admit it.”

“Never said I didn’t.”

“Wait–”

“–Then so fucking be it.”

“Alright, now kiss already!” Never had the two broken apart faster than they did as Xion’s mirthful voice echoed through the empty walls of the gym.

While Riku maintained a composed air about him, Roxas gaped at the little traitor where she clapped mischievously from her spot beside a cheeky-looking Sora. With his hands clasped behind his head and that victorious expression painted across his fucking face, the Brunet was–for once–almost unbearable to look at.

Gazing sidelong at Riku, the Blonde seethed, “this feel like a fucking set-up to you?”

The Silveret shrugged his broad shoulders and pushed his head forward in a playful tease as he walked toward them. “And you say you’re not paranoid.”

“Hey! Fuck you, asshole! I am not paranoid!”

And just like that, Roxas threw the glass bottle over his shoulder and forgot to listen for the shatter while he ran after his new acquaintance.

#rikuroku #riku #roxas #kingdom hearts #prompt time #i actually loved writing this #writing sassy rikuroku is my lifeblood

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frenchpan · 6 years

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on turning 27.

(note: okay. so today is sep 4, which means it is past my birthday by 5 days already, and i had intended to write this on aug 29, but then again when have i ever done anything actually on time as intended?)

27. i thought i would feel older, wiser. i thought i would know more, be a more polished, solid version of myself. i was certain that by 27 i would at least be more sure of myself. i thought i would have a better understanding of the world and how things work. i thought id be certain of what i want out of this life. i thought there would be less question marks. but i also thought that by 27 i would have a house, a husband, maybe a pet. it's weird when the picture you painted for yourself way back when seem so odd and foreign to your reality now and your current wants. its like, how could i have ever imagined that life for myself in the first place? now, i don’t know if i ever want to own a house, could not even picture myself in a marriage or with a partner. (but yeah i do still want a pet though so i guess i was right about one thing.)

i think a lot of the anxiety that comes with getting older (and especially the queasiness tied with approaching 30) is from comparing the roadmap i had for myself (though constructed by a younger self who was poorly misinformed and lacking insight) which the idea i had projected for myself at 30, versus my reality as it stands right now. it’s disappointing to realize that the two don’t match up. i’m nowhere near where i thought i would be. it’d hard not to feel like i’m falling behind significantly and lacking.

how do we get rid of this baggage? how do you let go of long-held ideas and expectations of yourself and lay them to rest? how do we be honest and admit that previously held beliefs are now outdated? how do we say goodbye and depart from versions of ourselves we no longer acknowledge as “true”, so that we can become more honest, more forgiving, more authentic versions of ourselves?

because this year i’ve changed a lot. my attitudes. my beliefs. what makes me angry. what drives me. how i want to change the world. i realized there were a lot of things i was wrong about. i keep thinking about power and privilege and change. i thought a lot about mental health and wellness - and what "wellness" and "good mental health" really means. i learned that too much introspection is perhaps not good.

this past year, being 26, was the first time ever i felt like i’ve truly “grown up”. it’s sad, kinda. growing up. realizing things. accepting some harsh truths about the world we live in. this year i became more aware about the injustices of the world and the need for systemic change. this year i learned that what matters is money and wealth and power and who has it. this year i became angry and bitter and disillusioned, because power (and who has it) controls influence and i often felt squashed by it, silenced by it, helpless by it. i hate it. i am too young to be cynical and jaded. i’ve also been recognizing my own shortcomings: too idealistic but no motivation, too nervous, too high strung, focus too much on details, obsessive perfectionism, neurotic to an extreme, critical of everything, inability to follow through (on anything, really).

this year i’ve also been able to let go of old grudges i’ve held on for so long. yes, things at home were hard and kinda fucked me up, and yes, depression and disordered eating were also extremely difficult things to get through, but okay, here we are now and i cannot keep blaming these things as what’s been weighing me down and holding me back. at some point, trauma and sadness and rocky past aside, you gotta realize the only person that can help you is you. and at some point, you become the person who is holding you back.

it hasn’t been an easy year. it passed by too fast. too much work, too little play. how does the saying go - the days are long but the years are short? i felt that. but this year i had the joy of meeting and knowing some very wonderful, kind, thoughtful, funny people and for that i am truly grateful. something i've read this year that stuck with me that I constantly think about: "I really want to say that everyone in the world is lonely and everyone is sad, and if we know that everyone is suffering and lonely, I hope we can create an environment where we can ask for help, and say things are hard when they're hard, and say that we miss someone when we miss them."

i’ve gotten better at showing vulnerability and letting other people know when i’m struggling, i think. i’ve been more vocal and sharing more. i’ve been trying to learn to deal with mine. i learned that real growth requires an uncomfortable level of honesty with myself. it’s hard, i’m still working on it. what I've seen and learned is that each person carries pain. how do we let old and new wounds heal and have the hurt be contained, but not be consumed by the pain? how do we make it through long days when there are storms raging within? when will all the anxiety and sadness pass? the answer is never, probably. which makes it all the more important to be kind and take care of one another, i think.

the most important lesson i learned recently and something i keep circling back to: humility. it’s funny cause when i graduated from university i felt like i’ve grown a lot and learned a lot from school. but now i realize i don’t know shit. really. like, holy shit i don’t know anything. i have no clue what i’m doing. i really have no idea. (but perhaps more importantly, i realized that no one else knows shit, either. so maybe i’ll do okay. things will be okay.) it’s incredibly humbling to realize this truth.

anyway. a final thought. i saw this post on twitter that i found particularly inspiring:

your entire life can really change in a year. you just gotta believe in yourself, and love yourself enough to know you deserve more, be brave enough to demand more, and be disciplined enough to actually work for more. as soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

so. what i know is this: there is still PLENTY of room for growth. who i am today, at 27, is not going to be who i am next year, in 5 years, in 10 years. i am forever changing, ever evolving. and this truth is enlightening and empowering - because this means there is still much more to learn, to experience, to come, to grow into.

i really am going to be okay.

#personal

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shadeoftheraven · 6 years

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Ever Forward

Ok, So I was thoroughly dissatisfied with how PB decided that the RCD MC just had to go and ‘fight for her friendships’ as if they hadn’t done anything wrong. I also think that they did SO wrong by Victoria in how they made her respond to the MC possibly being the leak, but that’s a whole separate issue and it’s canon now so... there you go.

So here we have how I think this whole thing should have gone down. It ended up being a bit more sedate than I initially planned, but I’ve calmed down somewhat since that chapter has been released, so there you go.

Not super happy with the ending, but conclusions have always been a weakness of mine. Let me know what you guys think. Constructive criticism only please.

Anyway, it’s a long as story, so buckle in kiddies.

Pairing: Seth x MC, Matt is being an annoying piney bugger.

Word Count: 3608

“Oh. My. God. It’s you!” For the third time that day, a random person scurried up to her, a nervous smile on their lips. “Please, I have to get your autograph. My friend and I are such huge fans of yours.”

‘Really? That’s rich.’ She thought derisively, outwardly smiling and going through the motions of signing the autograph. As much as the events of the last week had tainted her view of Hollywood, she knew she couldn’t let herself be caught acting anything other than sweet. Her reputation in this town was in a tenuous place at best right now. If she wanted to eat, she needed to smile and be grateful for any positive publicity.

And if she were honest, there was a side of her that was grateful. For all the last week had been a roller coaster ride, it was good to finally have gone from “Sarah Graves: Most Hated Woman in Hollywood” to “Sarah Graves: Innocent Scapegoat”. Now the morning talk shows were filled with anchors expressing their horror at how someone could have maligned her so badly and rebuke at the people who had run with the story previously, as if they themselves hadn’t been one of the ravenous hounds snapping at her heels just a few days ago. Sighing heavily, she let her eyes wander over the park she found herself in today, idly wondering how many of the people here today had gossiped behind their hands about how horrible a person she was only last week.

Then, just as quickly as her thoughts were about to start taking a downward spin, a drink cup appeared before her eyes. “Penny for your thoughts Iowa?” And just like that, Sarah couldn’t help the small smile tugging at her lips as she remembered that here was one of the two people who had never given up on her, had never bought into the bullshit.

“Just marvelling at the… short memories people have out here I guess.” She said, taking the cup and slowly taking a sip of the cold tea. “I mean I knew this place could be fickle, but I guess I didn’t realize just how fast it could turn on you and then move on. Has it really only been a week?”

“Welcome to Hollywood, Iowa. Home of the self-righteous and perpetually unaware.” Sarah couldn’t help but snicker slightly at Seth’s cynicism. If she had thought she was jaded, she didn’t know the word to describe Seth’s outlook on life, especially after watching her be so thoroughly vilified. Even now after the story had broken that she hadn’t been the leak, Sarah would occasionally still catch Seth muttering darkly to himself. The odd words she had been able to catch were none too complimentary towards people like Leland St. James. “You doing ok with all of this?”

“I mean, I kinda have to be, don’t I? It’s either that or get the heck out of Hollywood and find a new career.” Turning once again to look out over the park, Sarah missed the flicker of concern in Seth’s eyes.

“Is… Is that something you’d want to do?” Seth asked, breathing a quiet sigh of relief at the almost immediate shake of her head.

“I came out here to make art Seth. I mean, as much as all of this,” she gestured generally to their surroundings. “sucked balls, I still want to be able to make movies that move people. And if I’m going to do that, I need to stay out here.”

A silly grin swept over Seth’s face and Sarah laughed as he pulled her into a hug. “Good,” he muttered into the crown of bright red hair on her head. “Cause this place wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun without you Iowa. I mean, who else would be willing to give me a crash course in all the possible ways my sets could be interrupted?”

Giggling, Sarah snuggled further into Seth’s arms. “Oh, I don’t know, I think you’d survive. But, then again, I am pretty damn awesome, aren’t I?”

“You got that right.” Finally detangling themselves from each other, Seth grinned down at her. “And I know I’ve said this already, but I’m going to keep saying it. Don’t ever let anyone try to convince you otherwise Iowa. You’re fucking awesome, end of story.”

A laugh burst from her lips and Sarah felt her thoughts turning away from the dark corner of her mind they’d been hurtling towards. Reaching out, she grabbed a hold of Seth’s hand, swiftly interlacing their fingers as they slowly started to make their way through the park. “What would I do without you Seth?” she murmured.

Smiling, Seth gently tugged her towards him, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and gently kissing her temple. “I don’t know,” he muttered into her hair, causing the already large smile on her face to widen exponentially, “but let’s never find out huh?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Her smile still stretching from ear to ear, Sarah allowed herself to settle into a gentle pace alongside Seth as they continued to enjoy the LA sunshine. “Oh, did I tell you I heard from Victoria?”

“And how’d that go?” Seth asked, dryly, his mouth twisting into a wry grimace.

“Surprisingly well.” She replied, reaching up to tap his nose as best she could around her drink cup. “She found out that we’re working together next month and called to bury the hatchet-“

“Again.”

“Ok, yes again. Shush.” Giggling, she gently hip checked Seth for his interruption before carrying on. “Cut her some slack Seth, she didn’t know me as well as you do, and Victoria’s so used to being surrounded by backstabbers that she just assumed-“

“That still doesn’t give her the right to attack you.” Stopping, Seth turned her so she was facing him, resting his hands on her shoulders. “You do remember that part, right? I mean, I agree that looking at it from her perspective, Victoria had every right to be angry, but that still doesn’t justify her assaulting you.”

Sarah grimaced slightly at his wording, knowing he had phrased it that way deliberately. “You know I do Seth,” she replied softly, gently running her free hand up and down his arm. “But I also know that I need to move past this. Victoria apologized for it and she’s told me that she’s seeing a psychiatrist for her anger issues. The least I can do is let it drop so that we can make this movie together.”

Sighing again, Seth wrapped his arm back around her shoulder and started walking again. “… still don’t like it.” Seth’s voice was so low that if she hadn’t been paying attention, Sarah would have missed it.

“I know,” she sighed. “And you don’t have to. But do you get why I have to let this go?”

“I do. You understand why I’m still choked about it though, right?” Seth asked, squeezing her shoulder gently.

“I do. And I appreciate it Seth, I really do.” Turning to him, Sarah couldn’t help but grin. “You can be angry for me, ok? Every time I’m out in public and have to hide behind that polite veneer, you can curse and swear for me, how does that sound?”

“Sounds like a plan Iowa,” Seth replied, his barking laugh warming her heart. “But you’re going to explode if you can’t be angry sometimes, you know that, right?”

“Oh, trust me, I’ll be angry. Just not where any paparazzi can see.”

“That’s my girl.” Pressing another kiss to her temple, Seth turned and stiffened suddenly, his carefree grin quickly morphing into something dark and angry.

“Seth?” Frowning at his sudden change in demeanor, Sarah followed his gaze and freezing when she saw it. Baseball cap pulled down over his tan face, sunglasses covering those distinctive brown eyes, hoodie and loose jeans hiding his physique, but Sarah would have to be a fool to not recognize him. “Matt?!” the harsh whisper ripped from her throat, as her brain struggled to comprehend what is was she was seeing. “Why is he here?”

“Don’t know, don’t care. You don’t have to see him.” They had both stopped walking at this point and she felt Seth’s arm tighten its grip on her shoulder. “You hearing me Iowa? We can turn around right now, go back home, and it’ll be as if he was never there.”

The harsh timber of Seth’s anger helped pull Sarah from her astonishment. Shaking her head, she kept staring at Matt who had now stopped walking towards them and was simply waiting. Waiting for her she suspected as she watched Matt grimace slightly, rubbing his neck as they both observed each other. “No Seth, I let Teja and Victoria apologize, I should at least hear him out. I owe him that much.”

“You don’t owe him shit!” Seth whispered harshly, grimacing at his tone. Turning back to her, Sarah could feel his hand gently stroking down her back, trying to soothe her, a wordless apology. “I’m serious here Iowa, you don’t owe that guy,” Seth jerked his head towards Matt, slow anger defining the move. “Anything. He made his choices. Let him live with the consequences.”

“Ok, let me rephrase.” Sarah said, reaching up to stroke his cheek. “I need to hear this. Not for him, but for me. I listened to Teja and Victoria, now I need to hear it from him. I need to hear why it was so easy for him to believe that I was a liar rather than believe me.” Casting a quick glance over at Matt, who was looking more uncomfortable by the minute, Sarah wrapped Seth in a quick hug.

“And if it isn’t enough?” He whispered in her ear, hesitantly letting her drift back from the hug, worry shining in his eyes. He had seen what it took to get her back on her feet after the disaster that had ended Tender Nothings. Seth had spent a lot of evenings up on that roof listening to Sarah cry into his shoulder as she tried to get her feet back under her. Even after the leak had been outed, it had been as if a part of her identity had been stripped away and Sarah had to fight to figure out what to do with the space it had left behind.

“It’s going to have to be.” Sarah murmured. Gently pulling away, she motioned for Seth to stay put as she made her way over to Matt, trying to exude a confidence she wasn’t sure she had. “Hey Matt.” She said, pulling up as she drew close, her questioning gaze trying to pierce through the lenses of his sunglasses.

“Hey.” Hands were playing at his shirt cuffs as Matt struggled to find the words he needed to say. “You look good.” A grimace flashed over his face. Apparently, that was not what he wanted to say.

“Thank you. I wish I could say the same but honestly… you look rough Matt.” And now that she was this close to him, Sarah could really see it. Dark bags under his eyes, slightly hidden by the glasses, the slouch in his shoulders doing more to disguise Matt than his ball cap ever could.

His normally confident smile was gone, in it’s place twisted a sardonic frown. “Yeah, well, I haven’t really been sleeping well lately. Not since… what happened.” Drawing in a shuddering breath, Matt pulled off the glasses to look directly into her eyes and Sarah could swear she read grief there for a moment. “I assume you’ve seen the tabloids.”

“Kinda hard to avoid them when you’re all they’ve been about for the last week.” She replied dryly, relishing just a little bit in the almost wince of pain and guilt that flashed across Matt’s face. She’d have been lying if she said she didn’t take a somewhat perverse satisfaction in his guilt over this whole situation. “But I assume you mean the story that Dirty Hollywood dropped about them finding the real source of the leak?” At his nod, she merely shrugged. “Seth and I snuck out of the apartment that day so I could avoid the paparazzi and I haven’t bothered to read who the actual leak was. At this point I just don’t care. I just want to move on.”

“It was Spencer… my manager.” Matt whispered, full on wringing his hands now. “Well, apparently it was Markus who bugged the sauna. Jon found out somehow and stole the tape before he leaked it all to Dirty Hollywood.”

A harsh, almost barking laugh burst from her throat. “Why the hell am I not surprised Marcus would bug our freaking retreat.” Almost growling as that old anger started to bubble up in her chest again. Why was Matt saying all of this?

“I’ve fired Jonathan.” Ah, there it was. “He said he was trying to get me to realize what a dangerous influence you were for my career. Even when I had him escorted off the property, he was still trying to justify what he’d done.” Looking up, Matt caught her gaze, silently pleading with her to listen. “Sarah, I am so sorry for everything I said to you that day.”

“Why did you say it?” Her voice was tired she realized. This whole situation was exhausting even after it had been ‘resolved’ by Hollywood standards. “Matt, I need to know why you said all of those things. When did I ever do anything to you that would make you think that I was just out to use you?” Her tongue darted out to wet her lips as Sarah struggled to rein in her anger. She couldn’t lose it on him here, no matter how much his words had hurt her. And oddly, his had been the ones that had hurt her the most. Looking over their relationship, Sarah couldn’t come up with a single instance that would have justified his lack of belief in her. He had been her first big celebrity friend in Hollywood and to see him turn on her so easily…

“I… I don’t know.” His voice was halting, hesitant now as he struggled to find the right words to say to her. If she hadn’t been so hurt, maybe she would have found it cute. Now though… ‘Now it’s just irritating.’

“That’s not good enough Matt.” Sarah schooled her face into an impassive mask in case any cameras happened to turn their way, but her voice was hard and angry. “I agonized over every interaction I had with you, every time we hung out and I could not find a single moment other than that one that would have justified you turning on me like that.” With every word, Matt seemed to shrink in on himself, but Sarah couldn’t bring herself to care at that particular moment. “I mean, you could have at least given my intelligence a little more credit. If I was going to spill everyone’s secrets, why wouldn’t I make sure that Dirty Hollywood printed something about me to so that you three wouldn’t realize that I was the leak? And why on earth would I do it when we were in the middle of filming Matt? At least give my sense of self-preservation a little credit. I’ve I was going to stoop that low, do you really think I would do it in the middle of working on my big break? Or am I just that much of an idiot to you?”

“God, no! Sarah, no!” He cried, her words finally pulling his eyes back up to meet hers, though he almost wished he hadn’t. The anger and betrayal blazing in them was enough to curdle his stomach. “You’re one of the smartest people I know, and clearly one of the most genuine. I… I was just so hurt, and it seemed like you being the leak was the only possible explanation.”

“No Matt, it was just the simplest.” Her anger was always fast to flare, but never lasted long, and now all that Sarah could feel was weariness as is crept into every bone in her body. She was exhausted by this whole scenario and she just wanted to move on and forget it ever happened. She wanted her cheery optimism back. “I would have thought that after all those talks we had that I would have earned a bit of faith from you Matt.”

“I know, and I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am about how I talked to you.” Matt’s eyes were pleading with her again, and damn her soft heart, but she felt herself softening towards him. She wanted to be angry, hell, she wanted to be livid. If he had come to her apartment, she probably would have thrown things to vent her anger. But, of course, she could see things from his side. After the leak had occurred, she was obviously the only suspect. After all, why else wouldn’t that rag have printed anything about her? “Can we… can we just take it as if this didn’t happen? As if we just met?”

“Except it did happen Matt.” She replied with a sigh. “It happened, and it hurt me. I mean, I get where you and the others were coming from, but it still hurt, and I don’t know if I can just forget about it. Frankly, I’m not sure if I WANT to forget about it.” Fixing him with a sad look, Sarah felt her mouth press into a firm line. “I mean, apparently it was a lesson I needed to learn. And it definitely helped show me who was really in my corner.” Glancing over her shoulder, Sarah couldn’t help the soft smile that tugged at the corner of her lips as she watched Seth sitting on a nearby bench, trying desperately to look as if he wasn’t watching her and Matt like a hawk.

Matt winced again at her words, but Sarah didn’t see as she gazed back at Seth. “He looks nice.” He murmured, trying to keep the hurt from his voice. He had no right to feel hurt that she’d found someone after how he’d treated her. “You can tell he really cares for you.”

“Yeah, he really does.” Turning back, Sarah shook herself out of her thoughts, focusing back on the conversation at hand. “Anyway Matt, I don’t think I can forgive the way you treated me. But I would like to try and move past it. Let’s just… take it one day at a time, ok?” Matt’s heart clenched a little at the sadness he thought he saw buried in her eyes as she looked at him.

Nodding, Matt couldn’t help but ask, “Do… Do you think we’ll ever get back to where we were again? I really miss having you as a friend Sarah.”

“I don’t know Matt. Time will tell I guess.” The awkwardness of the conversation seemed to grow with each passing moment of silence until finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. “Anyway, I should get back…”

“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry about that.” Hurriedly, Matt slipped his shades back on. He paused as he turned to go, glancing back over his shoulder at her once more. “For what it’s worth Sarah, I really am sorry.”

“I know.”

Matt looked at her a moment longer, as if hoping she would say more, before finally turning away and heading back to his car. When he was barely ten feet from her, Sarah felt a hand on the small of her back. “You ok there Iowa?”

Taking a breath, she pondered the question a moment before answering. “Yeah,” she replied, an easy smile slipping back onto her face as she turned towards him, her shoulders feeling lighter than before. “Yeah, I think I am Seth.”

“Good.” Her smile widened as Seth wrapped her up in his arms again. “But if he hurts you again-“

“-He’s done. Trust me Seth, that much I have learned about this town. Fool me once, right?” sighing happily as a chuckle rumbled through his chest, Sarah curled further into him. “Hey, can we go home? I think I need a bit of roof time after that.”

“Whatever you want Iowa. You wanna grab some beers on the way back?”

“Please.” She answered, smiling as she felt his lips press against the crown of her head. As the two of them walked back towards their apartment building in silence, Sarah couldn’t help but mull over her conversation with Matt in the context of everything that had happened in the last week. As she had said, she wasn’t certain if she could forgive his lack of faith in her. Her optimistic outlook had always been a big part of her and she wasn’t certain she liked the harder, slightly cynical part of her that this whole situation had left in it’s place. Turning her face to look up at Seth though, she felt her heart warming just a little as she recalled how he and Chazz, and even Gloria had all been there for her when she needed them most.

As if he felt her staring, Seth turned to look at her, smirking slightly before darting in to press a soft kiss to her lips and humming in satisfaction as she responded. ‘Yeah,’ she thought quietly, ‘I’ll be alright.’

“Thank you.”

“For what?” Seth asked, pulling back slightly so he could look at her.

“For… for everything.” Reaching up on her toes, Sarah brushed another gentle kiss to his lips before turning her eyes forward. “Now let’s go home.”

#fanfiction #red carpet diaries #seth x mc #matt rodriguez #holy shit #this is long #at least for on here #not super happy about the end #we'll see

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thefudge · 6 years

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TLJ thoughts, post-viewing

sooo, i have a lot of feelings about a lot of things. also the subtitles didn’t prepare me. for a lot.

this movie is made up of many quiet, non-verbal moments and rian johnson lets those moments sink in and dwell with you and that’s great

rey exploring the workings of the force, for example. there’s a really cool sequence where she’s trying to find out who her parents are and she lowers herself in the embodiment of the dark side and it’s very trippy and cool. it’s not rushed and it’s v atmospheric. she gets the incentive to do that thanks to kylo. his revelations about luke and his general aura of “troubled darkness” inspire her to dig deeper.

i think what i liked most about reylo was its sense of gratuitous intimacy. what i mean by this is that they seemed to connect without effort, without having to manipulate the plot to make it fit. they seemed be in their own little movie, dealing with things beyond the usual surface level of star wars ‘good vs. evil’. kylo’s philosophy about letting the past go is definitely flawed, but the way the movie frames reylo, they do seem to “let go” of their surroundings and circumstances when they’re together. it’s sort of timeless.

i will say, i don’t think the romance was that "romantic”, if that makes sense? and i think it’s a good thing. their bond is very real, but it goes beyond “romantic drama” and your usual hero/villain trope. it has shades of that, ofc, and there is palpable sexual and romantic tension, imo. but i sensed something more mature and interesting between them. it could go either way. do i want reylo to have a future in ep 9 and after? yep. is it possible they won’t? also yep. mainly because kylo let rey down. and here’s the kicker: it’s not rey that really rejects him. it’s him that rejects rey. because she tries quite a few times to bring him over to her side, and i think her anger and sadness stem from the fact that, ultimately, kylo didn’t choose her, and ergo the light. he’s still v much conflicted and i think she can sense that. but rey is hungry. she wants all or nothing. she can’t have half of him. so she doesn’t reject him as much as tell him straight up that she won’t stand for being second. for instance, she expects him to fold to her side immediately after taking down snoke. when he doesn’t, she’s quite literally in tears. this hurts her on a deeper level than “oh no, the dark side won and the resistance lost an important ally.” no, this feels like her parents all over. leaving her, deserting her. that’s how i read it, tbh.

and kylo does some reprehensible shit in the latter quarter of the movie, lol, like i won’t woobify him, since i like my antiheroes to be antiheroes. but he's not quite villain level? if u look at snoke, if u take that cool, collected snarky asshole - that’s a villain. he knows who he is, and what he wants. kylo is hopelessly confused and always looking for validation. he tells rey that she’s the one always looking for father figures - but oh, benny ben. it’s actually you. he wants someone to really see him, and that’s why he’s drawn to rey. but just to clarify: he doesn’t have it in him to kill his mother. he has an open, unambiguous chance and he stops. he is willing to destroy her when she stands behind walls and is shielded by the resistance. yet when she’s in the open, no. that was my read on it.

his fight with luke is...very much one-sided. luke appears as a force-hologram to fight him and kylo just wants to obliterate him for very, very personal reasons. kylo is not the cool, collected new emperor who is going to “kill the past”. he lives so much in the past that he doesn’t even realize luke isn’t even there.

and btw, kylo doesn’t kill luke, though he wishes he had. early on we get this foreshadowing. when the first force-bond happens between him and rey, he goes “no, you’re not doing this. the effort would kill you.” meaning that, to transport yourself through space via force (without a bond) takes a looooot of energy. luke goes on a suicide mission, basically. he knows using the force like this will kill him. he’s almost having fun toying with kylo at the end.

when kylo realizes he’s a force-hologram, luke smiles and says “see you around, kid.” not exactly anakin vs obi-wan, if u know what i mean.

and then back on the island, we see luke peacefully give himself over to the force and vanish. it’s v tranquil and quite satisfying and the original star wars theme is used so well, imo. do i think we could’ve had more of luke? sure. but he went out on his own terms. that’s the whole point - kylo didn’t kill him. he killed himself.

again, i want to emphasize that kylo is still very much an antihero, dipping his toe into villainy (and failing - which makes him more angry, which only makes it harder to be the villain he wants to be haha). he’s not a Good Guy. many posts will crop up in the tag about what a poor, lost soul he is. yes and no. rey actually understands him when she closes the falcon door on him. she knows him and appreciates him. he will never really be ben solo and that’s a good thing. trying to be ben solo so hard is what got him in this mess. he isn’t supposed to be a Good Guy. so no, i don’t want him to “turn” (see my thoughts on “turning” below). i want him to truly move beyond the past and reform himself on his own terms, just like luke. because hey fam, luke isn’t a Good Guy in this movie either AND THAT’S GREAT. anyway, i certainly won’t be romanticizing him (kylo). he’s a compelling antihero who definitely has baggage and trauma (luke did try to kill him as a boy, though he has a wildly dramatized version of the event lol) but he is also someone who has to help himself. ultimately, rey’s goal isn’t to “save” him but to push him to save himself. honestly, if kylo had followed her and “turned” and reluctantly joined the resistance, it would’ve been a total let down and a betrayal of his character. him “turning” wouldn’t help him. he’d still have that darkness and that anger inside of him, multiplied. boy needs therapy - aka working through his issues, not ignoring them and joining the Good Side.

Other things I liked:

- admiral holdo’s arc - beautiful, well-done and surprising. laura dern kills it.

- benicio del toro!!!!! no small parts with this man. he is delightful. imagine rick from “rick and morty” but way hotter lol. he was probably my favorite addition, after rose. he’s the middle-ground guy, he’s more han solo than fucking han solo. he doesn’t believe in good guys vs bad guys and he shows both finn and the audience that the two sides err because they believe their path is the only path. he perfectly encapsulates the very real contradictions in modern-day ethics and how our “pure and wholesome” activism often shields us from some terrible truths. he does have a semblance of a heart underneath his cynicism but i love that in the end he doesn’t suddenly discover the power of friendship with finn and rose. he’s a jaded asshole with shades of good, who’s probably seen some rough shit. BUT, he has this super cute moment with rose before things go to shit regarding her necklace and it’s !!!!!! it shows how much he understands human nature. i kinda ship them. aaaanyway. i definitely think he will return, his arc is not done.

- ROSE TICO SMILING AND BEING HAPPY. ROSE TICO RIDING THAT KANGAROO CREATURE AND ENJOYING LIFE. i treasured those scenes a lot. she’s a great combo of feisty and childlike, tough and innocent. gosh, she reminds me of bonnie bennett so much ;___;

- general hux. yall, it’s true. it’s all true. hux may have won me over. hux in TFA was just a lite over-the-top villain imo. but here??? he’s such a fun, dynamic character, rian gave him a lot of fun, humorous moments. and honest to god, he’s also given some humanity. when kylo takes over, he is genuinely affected and disturbed by his level of aggression. and he’s....idk, much less evil in this one. probably because of the humor. he just seems like a man dead-set on fulfilling his mission, brainwashed to the core. and underneath the brainwashing, he seems to be your average overwhelmed white dude. i don’t think he’ll be redeemed or anything but...it’s weird how at the end of TLJ he is probably the MOST reasonable dude from the first order???

- there’s this great little message about failure. i think here TLJ was inspired by Rogue One. because a lot of the characters in this movie learn to let go and accept defeat. you can’t always save everyone, you can’t always fight back. sometimes, the brave thing is to retreat and treasure the ppl you love. so i def liked that.

- GODDAMN GHOST YODA. i honestly thought i’d hate it because...gimmick, amirite? but that scene with luke was SO emotional and also funny and visceral and just - i was a bit teary-eyed, ME, THE GRINCH. i was suddenly nine again, watching star wars for the first time. ANYWAY.

- luke skywalker deserves a separate entry. mark hamill did so much with this character in the last few scenes. also some of the stuff he says about the force in this movie is legit beautiful and i love how he criticizes the vanity of the jedi - because this was what was missing from the prequels. anakin fell because the council was tone-deaf. the jedi are often responsible for their own doom and so they must always be vigilant - which is a goddamn thankless job. i love that luke acknowledges this.

-luke/leia moment. GAAAAH. HE KISSES HER FOREHEAD GOODBYE AND SHE KNOWS HE’S NOT COMING BACK FROM THIS. I DIED.

- in that order of business, leia finally FIIIINALLY gets to show off a bit and use the force in a pro-active manner. it’s also clear to me that episode 9 would’ve been the story of her and “ben” and i think she would have been the catalyst for his eventual development. but sadly, we’ll never see that ;____;

-there is some gorgeous cinematography and visual direction in this movie. particularly in the third act, on that salt planet? the red trails? shivers.

-i didn’t hate any of the new creatures like i thought i would??? probably because they were used sparingly and with a sense of humor.

Stuff i kind of didn’t like:

- phasma. phasma, phasma, phasma. WHAT was that??? like tell me that wasn’t anticlimactic as hell. she was, sadly, a pointless character. unless she somehow survived the fire and destruction, which i doubt, i really don’t see the point of casting wonderful gwendolyn christie just to stand there in armor.

- MAZ KANATA. is barely in this. i call bullshit.

-sigh, okay so i loved rose to death, but her arc revolved way too much around finn. on the one hand i get it, on the other hand.... i was hyped because ppl were saying she gets this big moment to shine. and granted, imo, she shines every moment she’s on screen. but i think her climactic scene was... *fart noises*. it’s completely centered around finn. she saves him basically, and it’s definitely heartfelt and lovely but also...it’s finn’s moment 100%. because it’s him who has to learn about his own worth. i do think they make a good team and i ship them a little bit, but the one-sided kiss was not satisfying and i’m tired of having to watch my darling woc give their love and devotion freely, only to be tertiary characters in their own story. like, imo, it should’ve been rose who flew straight into that cannon and tried to take it down for her sister. she should’ve been the one determined to take it down. and it should’ve been finn to save her and tell her they must find meaning in other things. finn definitely cares for her and in the last scene we have of him, he’s tending over rose and waiting for her to wake up BUT. will rose ever be number one for anyone, like the white girls, i wonder? eh, i’m probably just grumpy old aunt. she does get to have an internal world, she’s a believable human being, she matters. the thing is, white girls in these movies can bend their little finger and they’re considered worthy and complex. rose has to jump through hoops to be seen the same way. anyway.

- i liked poe dameron’s arc, which is “hey, maybe i should stop posturing and listen to women more lol” which is “learn when to retreat and stand down” but...honestly, you hire gorgeous oscar isaac who can give you real emotional weight and you just...kinda under-utilize him. yes, he did a lot of stuff, but he...didn’t take time to internalize it. this dude feels like he’s got a lot of demons and conflicting desires and a rich inner life, yet we only skim the surface of that. like, he’s aways in go-mode, we rarely get a quiet moment with him. like pls fix this, episode 9.

-luke’s reaction to han’s death is pfffffffffffff. maybe we’ll get more in a deleted scene?

- also....can we stop pussyfooting and legit talk about han as a dad? because they keep hinting he wasn’t a good one, nor a very good husband to leia. but...it’s very unsatisfying to keep hearing about it without good storytelling to back it up.

- the world-building & the origins of the first order. i had problems with this in TFA and, big surprise, i still have problems with it here. basically, why has the first order taken over the new republic? how did they gain support? were there remnants of the old empire that survived and thrived as the first order? what about the knights of ren? luke mentions kylo took some students with him when he destroyed the jedi temple, so....what about those guys? like, this very fraught and war-torn landscape doesn’t have a solid history. how did A become B? why is every corner of the galaxy oppressed? why are some planets thriving more? are they all arm-dealers??? i find that hard to believe. yeah, we have the expanded universe for that, we have books and comics etc. but i need these movies to give us a sense of their own universe. i’m...still not convinced.

-lolol, snoke dies like a bitch. and it’s so anticlimactic and duuuumb. dude, a five-year old coulda seen that coming but your ancient super powerful ass couldn’t? laaaame. he’s like “oh, yes, i sense no more conflict in you, kylo ren. just a deep certainty”. YES FOOL, because he’s decided to remove u, because he’s confident he wants rey, and not you, by his side. it was soooo lame. but i guess we had to remove him to make the audience think kylo was turning good for a second there.

-which reminds me... and you probably saw this coming, i hate the idea of “turning”. rey keeps talking about ben turning to the light. and this verb annoys me to no end. it’s made clear that they both already have a lot of light and darkness in each other. it’s about finding balance. where’s my grey jedi??? episode 9 pls????

Extra Reylo stuff i didn’t see mentioned which i adored:

- during their first force-bond moment when they sense each other, kylo ren runs out of the medical unit and into the corridor like a goddamn luckless teenager, expecting to see rey pop up in a prom dress. it’s precious. i love awkward!kylo. also rey tries to shoot him bc she thinks he’s actually there and kylo bends down, thinking he was shot. it’s a rly cool moment. and it doesn’t feel malicious like, he doesn’t expect anything less from her.

- there’s so much charged electricity between them and it’s not all sexual. it’s kinda mystical and i dig it. i’m weirdly reminded of xavier and magneto??? as in two enemies who have such a rich history and whose bond transcends human morality.

-OKAY. i saw no one talking about this but THAT GODDAMN SNOW WHITE SCENE. so rey decides she’s going to turn kylo to the light because that’s their one hope of defeating the first order etc. luke tries to stop her, but she’s like i’m going after my man. okay. she gets on the falcon, then she puts herself in this casket-like pod and AND. we get this lovely, breath-taking sequence of her arriving at the first order base, slipping gently into the hangar in her casket. and she’s def nervous. AND THEN. she looks up through the glass and there’s steam at first and through the steam we see kylo’s face, looking down at her wistfully. IT’S SO WEIRDLY FAIRY-TALE WTF. and then ofc the guards come in to shackle her. BUT JESUS. the prince looking into the casket to find snow-white WHAT ARE THESE AESTHETICS. it felt like a nod to the infamous scene in TFA where he carries her bridal style. it’s very fairy-tale-esque.

- i love that in the scene with the multiple reys, when she reaches through the mirror to see her parents, the shadowy figure who appears and touches her hand seems at first to be kylo and then she realizes it’s herself. i also love that she talks to kylo about that experience. GAH.

- i just rly loved that there was so much humanity in their interactions.

Reylo stuff which sort of bothered me/left me wanting more:

- like excuse u rian, during the praetorian guards fight, i needed more moments where kylo looks at rey and is worried for her sake. i needed that fight to be a bit more visceral and about the two of them and their survival. they do fight together and it’s great but then...they’re sort of separated and carry their own small battles (i did love how rey saved him with that lightsaber throw)

- the whole “you come from nothing, you are nothing.” yea yeah, he’s a dummy who doesnt know how to express his feelings, he’s mr. darcy x 1000 of faux pas. but i still think adam driver’s acting went a little much there. the way he delivered that line was a bit off for me. ofc, he follows it with “but not to me”, because he’s basically proposing to her, but i needed a bit more, an extra line from him confirming her importance. or maybe no extra line, but a bit more feeling. did i mention i love wrecked!kylo? the “please” killed me haha.

Final thoughts:

- enjoyed it more than i expected to, and it does operate with way more nuance than TFA but it stiiiill fell short with some characters. it didn’t have the weight of rogue one for me, but it’s more lighthearted and entertaining, which i appreciate, cuz it reminded me of my childhood. and ultimately, whether we like it or not, disney does operate on nostalgia. all in all, it’s a worthy star wars movie, 8/10. rian deserves an A-. (he also wrote this thing and whoaaa...i wonder how much more ambiguous and dark this movie woulda been if he’d been given full non-disney freedom)

#tlj #tlj spoilers #reylo #i also talk about other characters and plots but i'm a reylo person so ppl are gonna probably be annoyed if i tag the characters sigh #tlj review #my thoughts

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wellmeaningshutin · 7 years

Text

Short Story #59: Airplane.

Written: 3/7/2017

-Hey, do you fly often?

-Yeah, why do you ask?

-Well, you seem a little worried. I was just wondering if you’ve ever been on a plane that was acting like this before. I don’t like the way its been shaking, and the storm-

-No, its never been like this for me. Its probably nothing though, and I’ll just get up and- never mind.

-Is that good? They wouldn’t want us to remain in our seats if everything was alright, right?

-Well, they always do that during landing and take off, and those are-

-We’re not doing either of those things, but I appreciate the fact that you’re trying to comfort me. My names Travis, what yours?

-Allen.

-Well, Allen, nice to meet you. You might be the last person I ever talk to, isn’t that something? I never expect do die in a plane full of strangers, but it seems like that might happen.

-How did you expect to die?

-What?

-Well you said you never expected to die this way, is there a certain way that you predicted. Like, whenever you thought about dying, did you ever think ‘Oh, I’ll probably fall into the alligator exhibit at the zoo’, or something along those lines?

-Now that I think of it, I never really thought of it.

-So why’d you say you never expected to die this way?

-I don’t really know, but it doesn’t really make the phrase any less accurate. I could be dying of cancer right now, and the phrase still would’ve been appropriate. Hell, I could be in the process of being strangled to death by a two ton hooker that was upset that I didn’t pay up, and I still would be right.

-Well, there’s still an implication with the phrase, a certain subtext, and without it-

-Wait, why are we talking about this right now? We might fucking die any minute, and you want to go over semantics? What kind of person are you?

-I was just trying to keep you calm, and it was working until you got all agitated.

-Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah I can see that. You’re a calm fucker, aren’t you?

-People tell me that.

-If you’re so calm about this now, Allen, then why did you seem agitated before? If you have so little worry about rocketing to the ground in a steel deathtrap, then why sit there and distract me with pointless conversation.

-I need another drink, and I’m starting to think I might not get another one. I was hoping to get a little wasted on the flight, just so the time will pass easier, or maybe I could sleep easier, but all I had was this rum and coke, and it has done very little for me so far. Oh, don’t look at me like that. At least I’m being practical about the situation. I’m focusing on comfort, and here you are trying to die of a heart attack before the plane even hits the ground.

-So, what? You don’t give a shit about dying, you just need to wet your mouth a little more? Are you an alcoholic or something?

-Only when I’m bored, Travis. Only when I’m bored.

-And right now, we might die, and you’re looking for entertainment?

-Do you believe in god? Do you have a religion?

-Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I?

-Well I don’t. You believe in the afterlife to, don’t you? No, wait, don’t answer that, of course you do. Every religion has an afterlife, because they’re all created due to the fact that everyone seems to be afraid of dying. No, don’t get offended right now, who knows how much time we have left, and who wants to spend that time arguing? Now, I believe that there is nothing when we die, just a huge load of nothing. Think about what life was like before you were born, and that’s how I feel like it will be after we die. Isn’t that boring? Isn’t that the dullest thing you can think of? So why wouldn’t I look for a little bit of entertainment right now? These might be my last moments of consciousness, so I might as well enjoy them, I might as well try to get plastered.

-You’re a cynical son of a bitch, aren’t you?

-That’s what they tell me.

-….

-Okay, so, I’m not sure if I really agree with your beliefs and all, but I also don’t think right now is a time to care. And, like, its okay that you believe those things, because if you’re a good person inside, I believe that you’ll get it good in the afterlife anyways. See, it doesn’t matter in what you believe in, it matters whats in your heart, and, well, you seem like you have an awful lot of good in there. You tried to keep me calm when things seem- Jesus! That was not good, the luggage fell right out of the-

-Yeah, I saw.

-Holy shit, we are going to die. Oh lord in heaven, please allow this plane to touch down safely, I will give everything up, I will embrace your word, I swear this to you. Oh no, oh jeez, oh no. I’m sorry for the wrongs that I have done, and I hope the good in me has out done those terrible, terrible-

-What are you talking about?

-I’m sorry, but that was supposed to be private, and I don’t like it that you were eavesdropping on me like that.

-There’s no privacy in death, we all die alone and exposed.

-That sounds like a load of bullshit. Look at this situation, we’re in a crowded plane, how would that be dying alone? Fuckin’-

-A plane full of strangers. Its like how you can be lonely while you’re surrounded by friends. Just because you’re in a crowd doesn’t mean there is anyone around who knows you, so in a way you’re on your own, which would make you alone. So a plane full of strangers doesn’t mean a thing because it doesn’t make you any less alone.

-…

-I’m sorry if I-

-No, no.. Its fine, don’t. I’m good. Don’t worry about me.

-You look upset, and.. Shit. Look, I’m just talking out of my ass, I’m just a little agitated because I can’t seem to get a god damned drink. If it makes you feel better, if we have the time, we can get to know each other so we wont die alone. Does that make you feel better?

-Yeah, I guess you have a point there. So, what is there to know about you?

-Wait, you should go first, I was curious about-

-Well, Allen, I don’t mean to be rude, but were running on an unspecified amount of time that can run out any second. You’re the one who wanted me to calm down, for me to not die alone, so shouldn’t I get to know you first, so you wont be a stranger to me?

-If I don’t know you, doesn’t that make you the stranger, and wont you still be the one to die alone?

-Shit. I’m having a little bit of… Okay, fuck. We don’t have the time for me to sit around and think this through, so lets just do a quick game of rock, paper, scissors. One two three… Fuck. Okay, I’ll go.

-We could do best two out of three if you want.

-No, no. I’m fine with it, and I’m no sore loser so I will man up and tell what I have to say. I was raised on a trout farm in the middle of nowhere, and really I just had a pretty uninteresting life. I spent a lot of my childhood jealous of the kids who were able to grow up on normal farms, because at least the had pigs, cows, chickens, horses, all sorts of interesting animals to talk to. Do you know how interesting fish can be? I’ll tell you, not a bit. The worst part was that I didn’t have any siblings, and friends were hard to make because my parents insisted on homeschooling me. They claimed that it was to give me the best education, but really they just wanted me to spend more time taking care of and gutting the fish. So the only form of company I had were those fish, and I would mainly just squat down and tell them how much I hated them. Sure, when I was younger, I tried to get them to do tricks, like playing fetch or jumping through hoops, but I grew jaded real quick, and of course I eventually became spiteful. ‘I hate you more than anything’ is the main gist of what I would tell them. I probably would have tried to beat them to death with rocks or something, but gutting and preparing them was something I had to do often, so even killing them became boring. I had all this pent up aggression and boredom, but nothing to do with it.

-Couldn’t you have just read books, watched television, played with toys, you know, normal kid stuff? Why’d you spend your off time berating the fish?

-Well, I- Good God that was a big one. Whew. Okay, so my parents really never let me have any of that, they said it wouldn’t build character and would just turn me into some lazy bum, going nowhere in life. My father would always tell me that hard work built character, and trout were my means of hard work. He’d try to say that if I didn’t want to do my work, then that would mean I didn’t have character, and he didn’t want any bums without character living in his house, so he’d beat me if I complained.

-Shit.

-Yeah, but its good now. In a way, I guess, I think I was also dealing with the pent up anger that I had towards my father, but I took it out mainly on the fish. I guess I knew that it wasn’t really their fault, they were to fucking dull to really cause any problems, and all of the responsibility lied with the man who took my childhood away from me. Its like… when prisoners complain about the chains-

-I think they’re mainly in cells nowadays-

-Just bear with me, we don’t have time for your semantics.

-That’s not what semantics- oh okay, sorry.

-When they complain about their chains, they’re not really angry at their chains, but they’re angry at what the chains represent, the people who put them in those chains in the first place. That’s how I felt about those god damned trout, but I can tell you I refuse to eat one, even up to this day. If I was starving to death, and there was only trout to eat, I guess I would have to die. Okay, let me get to the point, since there’s something I need to talk about before we reach the end, before we smack into the ground. I haven’t really talked about this since, but we’re going to die, so what the hell. No better time to, I guess. Don’t want to die alone, so I might as well let you know me better than most people do. Oh, before I tell you this secret, I want you to know that I’m an accountant. So, there’s not really a whole lot happening in my adult life, just a lot of boring stuff that really isn’t worth mentioning. If you can survive being raised around fish, shit, nothing will be boring to you anymore. Anyways, the secret. Well, I had all of that anger built up inside of me, right?

-Yeah.

-And there was no way that it was going to stay inside. Anger tends to fester under the surface, anger tends to slowly rise and grow, kind of like yeast, until you have this big loaf of anger and.. Well. I’m not the best with metaphors, but you can see where I was trying to go with that, right?

-Yeah, don’t worry. I understand.

-Okay, so I eventually had to take long walks around the neighborhood, which wasn’t really like the suburbs or anything because the houses were spaced out really far from each other. If you had to borrow a cup of sugar from a neighbor, it was really easier to get in your car than to take a walk. Because this was always a long walk, I would usually be cooled down by the time I reached the first house, and then I would just walk back home, no problem ready to go to bed. One night, however, I decided to keep walking for a long while, but I think it was because I hardly had any breaks that day, and it was just nonstop work. So I was pretty angry about all of it. I think I may have been sixteen at the time, so hormones also probably played into it, but I guess the reason doesn’t matter. I did what I did.

-What did you do?

-Well, I was getting close to the third house down from us, and I see this girl walking down the same street too. No, don’t give me that look, I didn’t do anything sexual, but it was still just as bad. I beat the shit out of her. I think it was because she asked me how I was doing, or maybe because she just looked at me the wrong way, and I just went berserk. I think I was able to feel her ribs break when I stomped on there, as she was curled up on the ground, hands over her head, not knowing why this guy was attacking her. I think she had Downs Syndrome too, so I feel extra horrible about it. Oh god, I… Oh, I know, I know. I’m a blubbering mess. I don’t-

-Here, take this, blow your nose, take your time.

-We don’t have any time, and I’m sorry you have to see a grown man cry right now, but I.. I just can’t believe I would do something so awful. I think that’s what really scares me about dying, I’m not sure if I’ve done anything good enough to get into heaven. If I spend eternity being punished for that, I’ll understand. I actually might understand it less if I get into heaven..

-That’s pretty rough, I’m sorry that you have to deal with that.

-Thanks for listening to me, and thanks for the handkerchief, but that was the least sincere thing I have ever heard in my life.

-And? We’re dying, and you want me to be sincere? Shouldn’t you want me to be genuine, don’t you want to see who I really am, instead of some fake.. Do you want to die alone?

-Well mister sincerity, what’s your story then? Whats your deep secret, huh?

-Hahaha

-Why are you laughing?

-I just never thought I would talk about it, and I’m not sure if I will. You see, this might just be a bumpy ride, and-

-Fuck fuck fuck fuck, oh no, oh no… Phew, that was really close.

-Okay, okay. We are probably going to die. I guess I’ll talk, and I’ve always wanted to tell somebody this anyways. Maybe its a good thing if I die, well not for me, but for other people.

-Why would that be?

-Well, I really want to kill somebody. I always have and I always will.

-What?

-Don’t give me that look, and please don’t interrupt me. After that little dive I’m not sure if I’ll be able to express myself in time, so Travis I need you to be a sport and shut the fuck up. You shouldn’t be surprised anyways, just look at how little I care about us dying. All I care about now is saying what I need to say, not the fact that we’re all about to turn off. Anyways, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to kill somebody. Sure, everybody thinks that at some point in their life, but for me it seems like it might be more grounded in reality. Some days its all I think about, and I have a lot of stuff planned out. I think I’d be good at it.

-So you’re saying you’re some kind of serial killer? This is the person I’m dying next to?

-Well, I haven’t killed anybody, so I’m just a normal guy at the moment. Okay, yeah, its my fault, my thoughts are all pretty scattered, but I’ve never been able to talk about this before. So, you ever watch horror movies and see all of the twisted things that happen on screen, and wonder how somebody could be so messed up? Yeah? Well, when I see those kinds of people, I just understand them. I see myself on the screen, and I can relate to those characters in a lot of ways. I root for them, they become my hero’s, and sometimes.. Like when I was younger, when everybody was crushing on movie characters, the ones I fell in love with were always psychotic killers, women who buried people alive or bathed in young girl’s blood. Its always been hard for me to understand how any of that could be dark for people, and when I would see those movies in theaters, and I saw the audience’s reactions to what was happening on the screen, I realized I was different.

-Well, yeah… that’s-

-I said not to interrupt. Most of my fantasies have been centered around that, all of the awful things I could do to people, and its gotten to the point where its what I think about when I go to sleep. Its not really a sexual thing, but I only want to say that because I’ve seen that implied a lot, and that’s not how it works for me. And it wouldn’t take to long for me to commit the act, because I’m not getting younger, and its kind of like.. Well. Right now its like I’m dying a virgin, I’ll never know what it will be like to be on top of somebody, crushing their throats, watching the life leave their eyes.

-So uh..

-What now?

-Well, wait, let me get this.. Uh, so you’d strangle people?

-Yeah, any other way is much too impersonal. I believe that if you really want to take somebody’s life, you have to really own up to it and commit to it one hundred percent. In a way I don’t like guns because of that, they just made the act of killing so impersonal. All you have to do is point and shoot and the person is on the ground, bleeding to death, or already dead. There’s no sport in it, its like cutting corners. A cowards way of killing. I don’t know, I feel like at a time where people get so removed from it, I would have to make up for it somehow, like overcompensate, with strangling. Although, I’d also want to get to know the person first too, that’s another way I’d have to do it. No strangers for me, not like that pussy Son of Sam. I would probably break into-

-What the fuck

-people’s houses, when I know they’re alone, pull a gun on them, but only so that I could tie them up. Reservations aside, they are amazing for intimidation, or at least from what I read. I would tie them up and make them tell me their life story, pretending that if they were able to be fully honest, I would let them live. I figure its a strange enough proposition that they would have to believe me, and if they know anything about self defense they would be familiar with the tactic of personalizing yourself with your captors, but I would be the exception. After I would get their story, I would-Oh, hey. I guess we’re not dying after all.

-But.. What the.. What are you-

-Oh, ignore all that, I was just fucking with you.

-What?

-I wanted to freak you out before you died, I just like to scare people. Oh, don’t look at me like that, I write horror novels. See this book I’m reading? The Interview Killer? Here’s my face on the inside, I was just using the plot of my book to mess with you.

-What?

-Oh man, I really did a number on you, didn’t I?

-So, I just opened up to you, and you returned it with-

-I thought we were dying, it didn’t seem like there was a point in anything I did. Yes, another rum and coke please.

-But-

-Okay, I admit that it may have been a dick move, and I apologize. Now, to make it up to you, what if we share a cab outside of the airport, we go to my hotel room, and I’ll tell you something personal, to make it up to you.

-But why would we have to-

-My wife is waiting there, and she is an avid collector of wine. She probably has a nice bottle, and it would be my way of apologizing.

-Uh

-Come on, what are you worried about?

#Free Write #Short Story #Writers on Tumblr #Airplane #Friendship

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