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meganjordyn · 7 years

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i can’t work until i write this down somewhere

Okay, so I’m trying to do some classwork, and it’s actually getting really hard because I’m mentally blocked from everything except this. 3 months ago I came out to my mom and my sister as bi and trans. They both told me they’d expected that I was gay and that’s it. They said that this was a shock to them. I’m not a particular feminine person, mostly due to the way I was raised, and the desire to be different from my two sisters.

When I came out to my mom, my main goal was to get her stop misgendering me. She never used my name, just “the boy.” Also, she would always separate boys and girls in pictures, even in pictures of her 3 kids, of which two were assigned female at birth. So I started off with “I think I might be trans” and her reply shockingly was “nonbinary or girl?” I didn’t think she knew what nonbinary was, and just thought she’d assume female. To be quite honest, I didn’t realize that I was a girl at the time, just that I was not male. At that point in time, it hadn’t yet clicked in my mind that being masculine isn’t the same thing as being male so I could be a masculine girl if I wanted to do so.

I told her that I wasn’t sure what I was just, that I’m not a boy and that I wished she wouldn’t refer to me as such. She told me she’d try. She then asked if I went to GSA meetings because I’m trans, which I said yes to. After a bit of research asking a friend who is an assistant at a transgender clinic she told me that it was impossible to be trans unless I showed signs of it as a kid such as wearing girls’ clothes or wearing makeup. obviously a misinterpretation of what her friend told her These are all things she very firmly banned me from doing as a child, even though I desperately wanted to. I remember begging her to let me grow out my hair to be like all of my female friends, which she wouldn’t let me do.

After a bit of time, she concluded that I must be fascinated with trans culture, which was causing me to think that I’m trans. She said that the GSA had warped my thinking and made me want to be trans. which is obviously not true because I hate being trans with all of my heart, I just wanted to be accepted as a girl and have the trans part of the label removed. She kept going on and on about how GSA was making me think something that wasn’t true and that if I’m trans, I’d own female clothing already which I’ve wanted her to buy me for a long time, but was going to wait until I came out to do so. When I told her that I’ve finally figured out that I’m 100% female, she didn’t believe me and claimed that it was the GSA twisting my thinking just like she said.

My sister was completely accepting at first and was willing to support me through my transition, but when she learned that my mom knew too, they started talking. I’m going to assume that during this time, my mom managed to convince my sister that my dysphoria is “just a phase” and that I’m gonna “grow out of it” since my sister started calling me “bro” for the first time after talking to my mom.

My mom has pathological lying tendencies. She told me

“you can be what you want to be and I’ll support you.”

Another thing she oddly told me was that she’d sign me up for a gender therapist after I came out to my dad because she didn’t like the idea of keeping a secret from him, fair enough. However, she immediately started to backtrack and gave me strings of reasons about why I shouldn’t come out.

1. he always wanted a boy

2. his family is proud of him having a son

3. he’s an immigrant (more on that later)

4. he’s typically accepting of LGBTQIA+ people, but “might not if it’s his own son”

Then a school dance was coming up. I have very strong dysphoria about how I dress and try to always keep things neutral. I wear plain gray shirts with skinny jeans and black sneakers. When the dance was coming up, I was definitely not going to wear a suit. Especially since I only own one suit and it has extra shoulder padding which makes me very uncomfortable with my already broad shoulders.

What I decided was the best plan of action was to go to a thrift store with my trans male friend and buy some dressy gender-neutral clothes for the dance. I mean, I wasn’t about to wear a tie and I wouldn’t be allowed to buy a dress. The shirt I chose was a purple button-down and I got some black pants that fit better than any of my current pants they weren’t made for wide-hipped people and they were low-waisted, which works well with my tucking and doesn’t leave a baggy bit of cloth down there.

When walking out of the house, I’d expected my dad to be busy, as he told me he would be. Instead, my dad met me at the door to say bye before I left. He immediately noticed the girls shirt (even though I wore a jacket over it so that he wouldn’t notice the seams for breasts). I claimed that I had found it sitting in my closet randomly one day something that genuinely happens a lot and didn’t notice that it was meant for girls. He didn’t buy it.

He was very angry at me the next day and demanded that I leave the school GSA because this was a sign of my confusion in terms of sexuality (i mean it’s gender not sexuality but ok dad). He said that GSA is “just a group of kids who don’t know what they’re doing” and that everyone has confusion about their sexuality during puberty, but this is just further causing us confusion by creating a sense of community around this. In a state of panic I calmly said “I need to tell you, I’ve known that I’m bi for the past 3-4 years.” GSA has helped me more than my therapist has, I’m not about to give this up.

My dad said that this proves GSA has tainted me, and that even if I was bi, by joining GSA I’m separating myself from straight girls who may want to date me, since nobody would date an LGBTQ+ person.

To give my dad some credit, he’s an immigrant, and back when he first came to America, he could have been discriminated against for anything he did which wasn’t “mainstream” enough. This caused him to obsessively try to fit into whatever society told him to do and created an obsession with being a “normal American.” In his mind, placing myself into a community of minorities LGBTQIA+ people was causing me to be even more separated from the mainstream and was the opposite of what he’d worked so hard for.

Later that night, my mom came to my room furious with me. She told me two things. One was centered around my clothes. She said that she wears masculine clothing all the time and is okay with it, so I should be too. She criticized the fact that I purchased a men’s button-down 6 months ago for a school dance and now won’t wear it (which she said was proof that GSA was causing me to think I’m trans over time.) She got mad at me because I didn’t go to her first and ask for a woman’s button-down (which she probably wouldn’t have given me, so why would I ask her). She said that I bought a lot of gray shirts and nothing feminine even though the feminine clothing my transguy friend gave me was immediately donated by my mom because

“you can wear feminine clothing when you have a feminine body, and I don’t see boobs”

To which I responded that I felt gray was the most neutral color possible since black was too much, and beige is ugly. I’m wearing more white now.

The second thing she told me was that if I’m going to be trans always have been, always will be, it’s not a choice I had to

“get your shit together because you’re fucked up”

in terms of school and sleep habits which are problems caused by my OCD and depression, literal mental disorders that cause me severe issues during my everyday life. She was telling me that if my older sister 4.0 GPA, got into her dream college wanted to date girls, she’d be okay with that when did this become about my sexuality?.

“Since you’re not a perfect child, you can’t expect me to accept you.”

My entire willpower has been centered on

“if I tell my dad that I’m trans, I’ll be able to go to someone who can help me through my transition”

for the past few months, but due to recent events, I no longer have any willpower. Whenever I’m having an anxiety attack about one thing or another, the thing my brain jumps to is

“you will never be able to transition.”

I’m just so sad. I can barely function. I nearly failed a physics test the other day because I was so lost mentally. Physics is my best class. If someone can help me through this, please contact me soon.

thank you to everyone who was supportive while i was going through this, but I’m getting better now :).

#trans #trans girl #transgirl #lgbtq+#transgender #lgbt #help #coming out #coming out story #anxiety #immigrant #somebody help me

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