abandonment issues but they're still in my life

Guys you ever just wanna run away

Leave and never return

aurgh

in the past month or so i can count the number of times my roommate has gone to work on my hands. maybe 1/4 of the days hes been home hes been sick, the others hes 'making sure he uses his sick days bc if he doesnt use them he loses them'. theres literally still 2 months in the school year why tf would you be doing that, especially how often hes been """"sick"""" (i dont believe that half the time). my fiance thinks he got fired and is just pretending he still has a job and istg if thats what it is im going to lose it.

i hate that hes still here, i hate feeling unsafe in my own home, i hate that i cant talk freely without worrying he'll hear, i hate how much he distresses my fiance, i hate that he never cleans unless i tell him to like im his fucking parent, i hate feeling afraid of bringing up our friends when hes home. i want him to leave so fucking badly.

now that im working im hoping that will make it easier for us to get a new apartment. im so fucking tired man.

why is every job in my town either in the care sector (that requires a car which i don't have), a prison, engineering and/or mechanics, or shops/hospitality (which i'm trying to get out of). or like, the army.

yyyuuppppp things are getting weirddddd i had to tell nick not to mention to johnny the price of the stuff i bought him or about the hundreds of dollars i've spent on him idk why like. i just don't want jonathan to know. i think that's what's been killing me bc every time i am having a really bad day in jon and i's relationship(nearly every day now tbf) i try to swallow it because i just need to make it to the 18th without having another breakdown since that's my first therapy appointment. but then like he'll say he's been feeling great and i just for some reason can't bring myself to tell him anything. and i know this will hurt him more in the longterm but i don't know like. i feel like i'm the only person making solid efforts. and him spending all this money on nice things has been making me anxious because yes gift receiving is one of my biggest love languages but it all feels so empty

fuck it *unfibonaccis your sequence*

i am losing my mind over here

So. The moon is currently in my 8H.

Not to mention Sun and Saturn, both of them are currently conjuncting my natal Saturn.

Mhmm, yeah, keep the stress coming hee haw

How do I get out of retail? It feels like a trap. It feels like once they’ve got their craws on you they pull and pull and pull you down so that you can never escape. How the fuck am I supposed to get out of here? I don’t have time to gain more experience from and unpaid internship. I don’t have time to complete any training for a skill-based job. I want out. I want out. I want out so fucking bad and it feels like there’s absolutely no way out.

fuck fuck fuck fuck why do I even try anymore fuck fuck fuck

want to scream

first mental breakdown of the year ✌🏻 off to a great start

I need to just. try to reconnect to myself i think. i havent done anything to help my mental health in weeks. i need to chill, watch a movie i like, be alone away from people, take myself out and get boba or something

i don’t think i’ve ever felt this low or defeated about myself

The world is so dark and I feel like an island in an ocean