#i feel like ive never been able to experience true happiness....
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#seriously gonna die if i have to return to uni for studio that had me literally crying last fall from how bad my mental health was#like im at an all time low rn i really dont need that#i just want something in my state idk how much i have to pay for rent & im ready to drop 500 facking dollars to learn how to drive#i want to LIVE i dont care how much i have to budget i jsut want to be independent & away from my m*m & no longer bothering my sister#i feel like ive never been able to experience true happiness....#like nothings ever gone well for me#i worked my ass off to get an internship for the summer while crying to myself every other day bc of my depression#and i didnt get one & now ive spent all summer trying to get one for the fall & have had zero success & its already aug#and im just so so so tired#im away from my m*ther & im still dealing w the consequences of her abuse im so tired of living this way#i want success i want happiness i want to experience love#im 21 & my life has been so miserable i dont want to live like this for the rest of my life but sometimes it truly feels like im going to
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Hello^^ I have been following your blog for a while and like that you want to explore different concepts with Baldwin IV👑🩵
If you don’t mind, would you like to write either a short drabble or Hcs of Baldwin comforting his wife after a really difficult birth? Like, it all turned out okay, the wife is alive, albeit very exhausted, the Baby came out to be strong and healthy, etc. but it was a very risky and long labor, and the physicians weren’t sure if she and the child were going to make it yk? After all, giving birth was highly risky back then, with a much higher mortality rate.
Anyway, I hope you are having a great day and keep up the good work🥳🌈✨
Yelp! It went longer that I expected. Hopefully it lives upto mark. Thank you for your support and happy reading
It felt so peaceful. So dark. I was exhausted and felt solace in darkness. However in my deep slumber I heard a sound of weeping. Someone calling my name. Begging me to come back. "Your grace the queen is fine but really exhausted" "Please let her sleep" "She needs rest to regain strength" . I think I heard some shouts and I don't remember much after that except the fact that I tried opening my eyes but I felt so tired. When I was finally able to open my eyes. I felt my mouth open and chest sweaty huffing desperate to get fresh air. "When did this happen" I thought. It almost felt like a dream .My head was spinning. My throat felt dry. I tried moving a bit when I could feel sticky wet substance below my waist I tried moving my legs again but realised that I was too exhausted to do so . "What's happening" I thought again worried.
"My wife is finally awake, quickly get some water"
My husband took the glass of water from widwife. Baldwin IV made me sit upright as he quickly fed me water. Baldwin IV didn't realise in state of panic how fast he was being in feeding me water. I started coughing as result
"Easy love". He gently rubbed my back as he handed back glass of water to midwife. My husband started kissing me all over my face and then hugged me tightly.
"Darling, you made it" "I am really happy" "When I saw you laying down like that l" "I was so scared, I thought I will never see you again" I could feel my shoulder getting wet from his tears as Baldwin IV kissed my hair while speaking to me. I remembered that when I was going through difficult labour. Although the baby came out alive and strong they weren't sure I would make it. After hearing this I lost consciousness
Remembering about the baby I asked where is the baby right now. Baldwin IV replied that our child was fine and is currently with the midwife who was taking care of baby
"Moment I heard one of the midwife saying that perhaps you might not survive I grew anxious and prayed to God on my knees for some miracle"
I got really scared remembering the pain I had to bear while screaming in agony. I got really nervous realising how close I was knocking at death's door. My husband the king, Baldwin IV was able to comprehend my emotional state. Without hesitation he took off his white cloak and covered me in it. He hugged me again and started drawing circles on arm while singing a lullaby. It worked and I felt myself getting calmer. "My love I am here" "I'll be there to protect you, even if it's my own battle". Hearing this I immediately voiced my thoughts "It had been a tough experience" ."We will have more children I swear it, it would be better for everyone"
"Was that the reason why you decided to have a baby"
"......."
Baldwin IV understood the meaning behind my silence. Baldwin IV sat on the bed and said "Yes, it's true that I always wanted to have a family of my own but long before I accepted my fate as leper and decided to live my life in chasity" "I am willing to go back to same life" "I thank God every day that you came in my life perhaps God gave you difficult labour because I was being greedy"
"No, love". "The kingdom needs a heir" "And I will give birth to as many children as possible" Baldwin IV understood the pressure I felt as queen replied "I know my (Y/N)" "And if you feel you don't want to go through it again" "I would have no problem with that, I will happily except our child as first and last". Baldwin IV called one of his ministers and said "Tell the council that I will be taking rest, Raymond of Tripoli could rule in my place for the time being". I was about to protest but Baldwin IV put a finger against my lips shushing me. "You were left alone during your labour, but I won't be leaving you alone after I almost lost you" "Come now love, let's sleep together" "After that we will be taking a bath together and enjoy all the activities you prefer" "You need rest" "I will ensure you won't be going out of my sight for the time being". Baldwin IV got next to me and pulled me closer. "I can't sleep" I complained
"In that case I shall tell you stories of brave knights and kings". I smiled remembering Baldwin IV loved history and foundly I watched him and he excitedly recalled the history stories he learned.
#baldwin iv#baldwin iv imagine#baldwin iv x reader#kingdom of heaven#kingdom of heaven 2005#kingdom of heaven fanfic#kingdom of heaven fanfiction#kingdom of heaven fandom#kingdom of heaven headcanons#king baldwin iv
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any advice for starting sketches? once i have a coherent foundation it's easier for me to work on the drawing but i struggle SO BAD with actually making my initial sketch something that makes sense. when i try to start the sketch it feels like im just trying to get lucky with something i can actually work on. it's like i cant transfer what i want to see in my head to the actual work and it's insanely frustrating. it's like i can only know what i want to do when it's already there, not when nothing is there. ive been drawing for over 10 years and this is something I've never been able to change no matter how many different ways I've tried to go about this and it's why ive gone everywhere from drawing multiple times a week to not doing it at all for months/years at a time. i never want to try because the process of attempting a new sketch is so frustrating a majority of the time and i wish i could enjoy it or know why i cant get my sketches started. it's fine when i do get lucky, it's just the blank page that torments me
hmmm this is a really good question. it's something i have an easier time with digitally than traditionally, somehow -- like, i can't tell you how many stacks of paper i have sitting around that are full of, like, 20% of a floating head because i keep getting that far on starting something and then deciding i hate it, vs with digital sketches i do still often scrap/give up on sketches very early but somehow there's less friction irt just making a new layer and trying again, over and over pretty quickly. maybe it's that digital feels faster + more ephemeral, vs w traditional i'm faced more confrontationally with the paper i'm "wasting," etc
also i think just like. "what's in my head will not show up on the paper" is just the universal problem forever, it's the tide we're always swimming against and we'll go through waves where it feels more or less true depending on the current development of our technical skill vs our critical eye, but i don't think it ever fully goes away
this is just what's true for me but if it always feels like you're just trying to get lucky, the fastest brute force solution for that is leaning into quantity, imo. draw a LOT, draw FAST, and -- easier said than done, but -- try your best not to CARE if they look bad. even in the shittiest drawing there is often something you can salvage for later. i can't remember where i saw it but i once saw it said that drawing is like a clogged pipe -- there's a bunch of shitty drawings stuck in there and you have to get those all OUT before you can expect the real stuff behind it to start flowing
lower the stakes, in whatever way you can. in my experience, it's not that drawing itself is really that hard or taxing -- it's that the emotional toll of doing drawings and then not being happy with them is hard, it's disappointment and being down on yourself that's hard. if we do our best to strip away all the emotional baggage, that's that part that can actually make art so grueling and difficult to keep up with imo. so try the best u can to just make it, like... not that serious. remind yourself over and over again that there's nothing actually wrong with making drawings you're not satisfied with. it's not doing anything bad to anyone. i literally mumble it to myself sometimes -- when a drawing is coming out shitty or i just can't get where i want to be on an illustration i say to myself "it's okay, that's fine" and try to pump the brakes on the negative thoughts before "ugh, that's not what i wanted" somehow internally transforms into "you SUCK and you're a HACK and there's no point to ANY OF THIS!!!!" lol
in terms of more concrete stuff to try -- one of my fav exercises to loosen up is song sketches. i put a huge playlist (usually like literally all my music, i have it all in a folder on spotify) on shuffle and then draw a bunch of quick sketches only for the duration of each song, and usually trying to match the drawing to whatever the song makes me think of -- so if it's a 2 minute song, i literally only have 2 minutes. if i hit some 7 minute club edit, then great, i have 7 minutes to bang out something slightly more polished. depending on how fast you're used to working, you may find that at first you struggle to get ANYTHING coherent down in 2-3 minutes -- that's OKAY!!! another point of this exercise is to acclimate yourself to making unfinished, incoherent, dogshit drawings without it being a big deal. the point is that if you're limiting yourself this much (in terms of actual drawing time AND in terms of not being able to overthink/plan, you have to hear the start of the song and decide what ur gonna draw IMMEDIATELY), you will end up churning out a lot more drawings without individually agonizing over each one as much, and there WILL be something salvageable in the pile.
i hope some part of this is helpful!!!! good luck!!!
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Probably a bit silly and you’ve likely answered this before, but do you think you’re going to come back to “at the Very least, the Wall will change?” I’m just getting into ORV and I want to read some fanfic! I promise I am patient but I’m hesitant to start reading something that’s abandoned. I hope this doesn’t come off as disrespectful! I completely understand burnout (med student here hehe) and there’s no shame is shelving a project for a time if it no longer speaks to you. I just wanted to check
You're right that I've answered this before but like it's totally fair to ask me again after how long it's been lol. Bc like I think about this a lot too and thus the answer/feelings I have about it kind of changes?
Like my journey with this fic has kind of been tumultuous because I started it before I had access to ADHD medication and a lot of my life can be divided into the Before times and the like Now Times where my baseline happiness/standard of care of myself is vastly improved. I outlined all of wall fic before publishing the first chapter and then the scenes I wanted to include took up a lot more time to create than I initially thought they would and that like frustration was really harmful to like my sense of being a "writer," I guess?
Sorry, getting into this bc I'm trying to articulate my own feelings to myself, but I'll tldr; it at the end probably.
Like when I first started wall fic it had like a strangle hold on my imagination and was a way I was able to articulate feelings about things in life. Truth is, I'm someone who has called 911 for suicide/self-harm of friends/classmates like 4-5 times before turning 18. There is this feeling of helplessness I always had as a minor that the world was always ending around me but even when I was up till 5 am making sure my friend got to the hospital ok without any way of really knowing except waiting for a text back, I still had to just buck up and go to school the next day. The emotions I have towards these times in my life really latched onto omniscient reader, because the way it discusses suicidal ideation and what can help with it rang really true to me. I love KDJ a lot, part of that is, in my interactions with suicidal ideation, his sense of narrative inevitability really describes the emotions behind it well, the feeling of "this is the only Solution that will Actually work" is sewn into the fabric of the universe as "probability." And I've actually been thinking about that term "probability" a lot lately, and how it relates to ideas about Narratives. We're always estimating the likelihood of future events based on past experiences, calling things "realistic" or not. But the function of this system in my own life has often been to convince myself to 'give up' on certain things, conserve the energy it would take to try them. Sure that has helped me when Ive not had any free time/energy in crunch times or big projects, but when something is actually important, giving up feels like shit to be honest. Which is part of why I really love and kind of idealize this character of Yoo Joonghyuk, someone who 'never gives up.' To me KDJ and yjh in wall fic represent these two radical sides of a spectrum where someone becomes unhappy by giving up caring about everything and someone becomes unhappy by never giving up on anything. KDJ is then sort of this love letter to people who give up on themselves, people who could never imagine living past a certain age and yet somehow implausibly remain. YJH is a love letter to people who have been left behind and are So aware of their choices and their power over situations that they blame themselves for things that were actually out of their control in the first place. It's these two different ways of interacting with helplessness and grief and fear, giving up knowing you never could have made a difference in the first place or being convinced you could always have done Something and blaming yourself for failing, constantly stressing about what you could have done and what you ought to do the next time it happens.
Codifying these themes into Characters is originally this fun way of exploring emotions I have about them and sharing the experience of feeling them with others without having to tear too much of my self a part. I feel like when we're young it feels like a sense of self is something like a wall, an image of ourself that we have Built and must put in work to Maintain from erosion. This sense of self and protection makes us feel distinct from other people, the line we draw where we begin and end in the universe, and they become rules dictating How we will Act and Appear towards others. Drawing these walls and lines is pretty important to KDJ's perspective in wall fic, but i now realize I had sort of started doing to myself? Towards the middle of writing it?
Just because I've been on the Internet so long, I know the sort of "narratives" of being different "kinds of authors" online. Because of this, when I started posting wall fic, something that was of a lot of concern to me was how I appeared as an Author to people reading. I honestly think now that the performance of things I associated with like Being an Author were more sort of motivated by a fear of failure and disappointing others than anything else. It's kind of only been recently that I've realized that I have a choice to do things because I enjoy them instead of the fear of not doing them, which sounds a little crazy/obvious to be honest, but forcing myself to be an honor roll student for like more than a third of my adolescence while completely unmedicated kind of made that sort of intrinsic fear of disappointing others the ole'reliable of Task Motivation. Participating in ORV fandom has sort of been this emotional tight rope walk for me of like. Kind of really desperately desiring validation from others but also being afraid of receiving it bc of like the pressure it then puts on to Keep Doing the thing that Works and otherwise feeling like a Failure. But obviously like creative writing isn't going to have the same like Fear/Urgency factor as life stuff and it shouldn't feel that way, anyway, tbh. I'm kind of having to like. Re-invent the idea of writing being Fun and Relaxing for myself. And the idea that talking to other people on the internet (also like. People in general I still do this at uni even) does not actually have to have like any performative elements or factors of like? Disguise? Because like my sense of self doesn't actually have to be a wall I keep building and have to repatch whenever someone comes along with a pickaxe like my sense of self doesn't actually need a metaphor attached to it because it just is what it is lol. Like whatever I am RN is my "self" and that meaning would only suffer under the restraint of comparison, lol.
It's been easier to like feel normaler/better quicker in like my day to day stuff, but because a lot of the time I spent previously trying to write wall fic lies in that like that brain space where I felt afraid and stressed out etc I think I currently have like an aversion to sitting down with it out of like a fear of returning to that mindset. Because I'm like looking it in the face and such I do have like strategies of getting over it like doing warmups or taking time to make nice writing spaces and having a name to/strategies to access the creative part of my brain, but that stuff takes time and because it's a lot less likely I'll have writing on the brain than go through my every day life like the process of becoming normaler/feeling better goes a lot faster day to day than in my approach to writing.
Because in my brain the progress of wall fic is a sort of gentle curve I've been trying to shape the growth of upwards, I wouldn't say it's abandoned at all. But also like because the next "update" is not really guaranteed and I'm kind of hesitant to force myself to commit to a timeline for finishing/releasing it, I think it makes sense to like hesitate about starting it as a reader? In terms of a sense of completion, the chapters are organized in such a way that each one concerns a sort of complete Section of KDJ's life/relationships, tho. Like, Chapter 1 shows KDJ and YJH's first meeting as kids and establishes the "soulmate" setting. Chapter 2 shows the life KDJ carved himself to thereafter, how he and YJH's paths have diverged, established the stakes of KDJ's current "world" in a way parallel to the first few chapters of wos/orv. Chapter 3 focuses on how the soulmate worldview and KDJ + YJH's characters/past interact with the way they view children/the idea of "childhood/youth." Chapter 4 is meant to show how that worldview encounters adult life/ adult friendships/relationships, but the final part of it is something I'm still working on a bit. The structure is such that I tend to bring the end of the chapter back to a moment of peace/resolution/settling in the "new world" after the events of the chapter and then writing a one sentence cliff hanger about what the next chapter includes. So if you want to give some of it a read but don't want to be left feeling too incomplete, I'd read up till before the last sentence of Chapter 3, tho that's a bit silly, lol.
I will say again and have said before, I don't mind that much getting thoughtful comments/messages like yours at all. Thoughtful in the sense of like, desiring a response from me as a person, I suppose? Towards the start of writing online i really like needed the validation of little comments to feel good about myself/my work, but now I realize that the thing I like actually desire that ao3 comments aren't often a good format for is that I just like talking/discussing these things with other people. Sometimes comments will make me feel more like an unpaid customer service representative getting feedback or a student looking at a quick note on my report card. The kind I like most are messages where people want to ask me questions, argue with me about something, share something of their own interaction with the text that there's room for me to interact back with them as a person. The thing I hate most is feeling like I care too much about something/talk/think too much to the point that people are tired of hearing from me/form a bad opinion of me.
So like typing this all out has actually put myself in the brain space of remembering some of the things I like to write about and feel and how the current part of wall fic explores them. I'm kind of setting up my computer and such to start working on it like rn actually, hopefully the like feelings I'm having towards wall fic won't evaporate when i have to go to my class in 1/2 an hour or when i try to reread some of what I've written so far lol.
TLDR; Wall fic isn't abandoned or on hiatus or anything, but I am super slow about it lol. If you wanna give it a read I recommend stopping before the last sentence of Chapter 3 if you don't want any "cliff hangy" feelings. Questions like yours that ask me to interact with orv/wall fic/related themes do honestly help me start thinking about it again and I'll probably try to work on some of it tonight bc of you so thanks 👍
#long post#wall fic#ask#anonymous#TLDR; Wall fic isn't abandoned or on hiatus or anything#but I am super slow about it lol. If you wanna give it a read I recommend stopping before the last sentence of Chapter 3 if you don't want#any “cliff hangy” feelings.#Questions like yours that ask me to interact with orv/wall fic/related themes do honestly help me start thinking about it again and I'll pr#obably try to work on some of it tonight bc of you so thanks 👍
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ok ive been trying to think of a perfect first question for MoV, but its soooo haaaaaaard i have either silly or spicy asks lol, ok maybe-
Does First Ninja still have the bonding scar? I know you said it was a permanent bite mark, but i meant like in the 'spirit' realm of Ninjanomicon, since technically First Ninja doesn't have a body there? If he does, does it mean that First Ninja is marked spiritually as well (soulmates mayhaps??)?
And if he does, does the scar give him extra senses (wink-wonk) when it comes to Chase? Like, he could feel Chase is still alive, or when he is near? (or very near ;) winkwinkwink)
love the au, its very fun to read! seriously thank you, for feeding my obsession with them <3 (secret trio stuff is a nice bonus too!)
Oh First absolutely still has the bonding scar.
First still has the scar because it affects both his soul AND his mortal body (so yes, technically soulmates).
As for extra senses... well that's the reason why Chase hasn't gone mad when First decided to disappear off of the world. When mated, a dragon can sense if their connection with their mate is severed or not. They can also track down their mate.
A connection can only be severed when their mate is truly out of existence, aka soul and body go bye bye.
(Just to be clear, this is the difference between soul, spirit and ghost in this AU;
· Soul — the living form of spirit, basically you're still alive but just had an out of body experience.
· Spirit — a soul whose mortal body is dead, they are either in heaven or hell. In some special cases, they are able to walk on to the mortal realm.
· Ghost — a spirit in a purgatory-like state, they aren't able to ascend or descend because of their grudge being too much or because they are greatly attached to something/someone in the mortal realm. Can only ascend/descend when the attachment/grudge is gone.)
It still didn't stop Chase from going through 10 stages of grief and a short-lived denial when he wasn't able to track him anymore. You wouldn't believe how happy? relieved? grateful? he got when he realized that First is still alive.
He really tried finding him, confused on where the hell First Ninja is and how he's this out of bounds.
When he saw future ninjas roaming around, he really doubted First for his fidelity. Definitely short lived when found out that no, he didn't have any bitches before him (insert the loudest sigh of relief ever).
Dragons can only have ONE TRUE MATE. Once they have marked someone, they can never experience rut again and they won't be able to mark someone ever again.
When a mate has the bonding scar, they subconsciously give off the aura of the giver(dragon), symbolizing who they belong to. Meaning that if they ever come across some magical creature, the scar's aura is literally telling the poor creature to fuck off. The mate can be either aware of this aura or not.
This aura has a pro and con.
Pro: If the giver is a very powerful/influential person, you best believe they're going to leave you alone. A powerful dragon's aura can sometimes emit a very heavy air that can kill if one had been on the same area as their mate.
Con: Each dragon has their own unique aura, if the enemy somehow knew that a certain dragon (especially if they're influential) has marked someone they hate/doesn't have the best of reputation, they'll take advantage of it. So it's best if the giver is old enough that they can hide their aura on their mate to save them from a lot of trouble.
[I just imagine that after the First Ninja got marked, every yokai and monster that had once tried to pester his village just scatter the moment they see him (He isn't aware about the aura).
He appreciates their avoidance but he doesn't know the reason why and it's certainly worrying, even more so when he noticed that even the Sorceress started to distance herself away from him during their fights.]
Dragons have their own unique kind of bonding scar and aura, though they usually differ in terms of STATUS and AGE.
STATUS
-If the giver came from a well-known clan/lineage, the bonding scar may look a bit more flashy (bright tone, glows in the dark, glitters etc.).
-But if the giver isn't that well-known, the bonding scar isn't that eye-catching and more simpler in design (still has a few unique symbols, might glow in the dark but only in rare cases).
Dragons are able to emit a bonding bite at the age of 20 (kind of like very early puberty for dragons). Dragons live a very long life, so 20 is like, a newborn age to them.
AGE
· Young (20-100 yrs old) — small/human-sized bite, barely noticeable with very little symbols to indicate uniqueness. But the problem is that the giver can't hide the scar and their aura.
· Adult (100-300 yrs old) — a normal sized bite (depends if they are on their dragon/human form), it's quite noticeable as the symbols are now flashy enough that if one were friends with the giver, they would recognize them by their bonding bite when they see it. The giver can hide the scar but the aura still lingers on.
· Old (300 yrs old to present times) — a large bite but the size of it can be controlled. The symbols are a bit more grandeur and bright, their aura is massive and the killing kind. Because of that perk, the giver can now hide both the scar and the aura.
Chase, when he marked First, is on the Adult age back then (he was probably 213 yrs old when they had sex). But! A scar grows along with its giver, meaning that now, the scar is in the Old category of the mark.
(Just to be clear, Chase is currently 1000 yrs old. First Ninja and him met during 1213, therefore Chase should probably be 213 yrs old back then.)
On a side note, Chase is a really honourable and generous lover. Usually, when a dragon had marked a mate, they would assume all dominant roles, wanting to control their mate and whatnot.
Chase, though having the dominance in the relationship, still gave First some control over him, which in dragon culture, is a show of serious trust. ("I can't treat you as property if I'm also your property." Chase's words)
First doesn't know he had given Chase his mark, which is one of the things the lizard hybrid protects the most (they are both on equal standing in terms of magic, so just like dragons, people like First have their own unique marks made of magic).
There's more information about my AU's dragon marriage/culture and how dragon bonding works but I'm still finding a way to express my lore more clearly in a simpler way (aka drawing, for me).
I'm not a native English speaker and I'm way too stubborn to use a translator so it'll definitely take some time.Thank you anon for the ask, now I'm able to have a reason to explain my AU (my thinking process is weird). Thanks for reading.
#rc9gn#rc9gn fanart#rc9gn first ninja#chase young#my immortal soul#ninja showdown#randy cunningham fanart#randy cunningham 9th grade ninja#xiaolin showdown#Thank you anon for being able to be the outlet for my headcanons about my au#Imma keep some info about this au for the other asks#I have so many to babble on#Arggghhhhh the scenarios in my head are so fucking sweet#I like this ship#Meaning of Vow AU#first ninja x chase young
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hey im sorry if this is a weird ask, but like i was about 11 when i found a roblox rp server ran by you, now long discontinued but in that server i met my first ever internet friend roleplaying. we were friends on skype until eventually they made me move to discord. being on discord lead me to meet other people, and after a long time and joining a couple communities, i met my girlfriend, and a few years later, right now i'm moving into a new house and we're going to be moved in together. none of that would be a thing if i never made a discord account to talk to my friend that i met on your roblox server. so like. thank you. i still follow what you do to this day out of a sort of respect and the knowledge i would be entirely different without that domino effect. i mightve left a youtube comment or some kind about this before? but to my knowledge ive never really told you about this. idk how to end this but like. thank you.
thank you so, so much for the kind words! they made my day today and left me with a huge grin on my face that refuses to go away
i've been told many times about how the roblox rp game, the epic crossover (aka TEC) has affected people. i've been told it's affected people in a good way, and in a bad way. in my experience, it's been a mixed bag-- i've gotten a lot of harassment when i ran the discord server for TEC. it even got dragged to twitter, years later when i talked about my experiences running it publicly, and how i was chased out of my own discord because i got pissed off that nobody said anything to the mods when someone dropped their suicide letter in a vent channel, spearheaded by someone i'd like to keep anonymous (but will call them A for sake of simplicity). there was a callout post that got deleted based off of those events. person A allegedly has/had DID, giving me anxiety around people with DID for a few years. years later after those events, based off of what i was told, allegedly A was faking it. i don't know how true this is, but if this was the case it would make sense. they used their alters in the server in order to shame me and gang up on me, or at least that's how it felt. other admins on the discord and in the roblox game itself have told me that helping me run it all was also immensely stressful, even after i left, and i feel an incredible amount of guilt surround it.
however, those same friends told me a lot of good. they've met their best friends, partners, and realized who they were because of what i made. in a sense, i found out who i was because of TEC. sometimes, though, i doubt that the positive impacts outweigh the negatives. i get really worried about how my actions impact others. and being told this, it really means a lot. i'm really happy i've been able to have that kind of impact on you, even if we don't know each other. it feels nice to bring something positive into somebody's life.
roundabout way of saying: thank you. i'm hanging this on my mental fridge forever
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Hiiii, Kleo!! 🥰
It’s me agaiiiin 😂 Joining your newest tarot game 🥹 I really love participating in your Tarot games! Can’t help it, you’re wayyy too amazing! 😭 Here we gooooo 👏🏻
Nickname: Yiel
Big 3:
Rising: ♒️
Sun: ♌️
Moon: ♊️
Life Area: General (hehe is this allowed? 😭 if not please let it be focused on) Love 🫶🏻
Tarot Deck:
- Tarot of the Divine (okay, so remember when I said I’m getting my own deck soon? THIS THE SAME ONE I GOT! Its so pretty, and I’ve been eyeing it for a good 2yrs!)
- Oracle of the Radiant Sun (I’ve been studying astrology for a while now, and it made me so happy when I saw it on your decks!)
Moodboard:
Hello, Yiel! Dear!
Flattering me - a way to go! 😂
Tarot of the Divine is such a beautiful and amazing deck and literally everyone who ever saw it, fell in love with it, in my experience. It’s a very useful deck as well, especially if you happen to know the legend or fairytale behind the card. There’s a book that was also published to accompany the deck but it’s not a must to have it to be able to read the cards.
And the Radiant Sun deck is amazing. And it’s absolutely brilliant for anyone who’s interested in both astrology and cartomancy. The imagery is very suggestive and intuitive and the guidebook that comes with the deck is crammed with so much information. (Subtly pushing this one on your wish list)
Alright! Let’s do your general reading with a slight focus on love for you. I will include the cards as always in case they can tell you something more to you than they allowed me to see.
Cards: Mercury in Pisces - Inspiration, Sun in Aquarius - Idealism, Sun in Scorpio - Endurance (Oracle of the Radiant Sun), III The Empress, XIII The Death, 9 of Wands, IV The Emperor (Tarot of the Divine)
There’s clearly a transformation coming your way and the fact you actually have both the Empress and the Emperor in your reading suggests a powerful one. You might be facing a struggle in the near future but believe me you can take it and overcome it with grace. Things that would chase others away seem to motivate you even more to stand up and fight. You have a bit of a feisty nature in yourself.
Your cards suggest a significant influence of creativity and imagination. You might find yourself in a position where you will combine these together with your interest in the unknown and hidden. You might want to peek behind the veil, discover secrets and at the same time work on your self-development. I mean, if you didn’t mention the tarot cards and astrology, I would keep this more general but I feel like the cards are clearly pointing that way. You might be embarking on an exciting journey there where you might bump into difficulties but not significant ones and you will get so much insight on things you never even dreamt of. As mercury is a planet of communication, it might also mean you will want to share your experience with others.
As for love indications in your reading, you have the Empress and Emperor in your reading so it either means you might be meeting your perfect match or that you simply don’t need your other half because you are already both the king and queen for yourself. Other cards are not really mentioning love specifically so if you are about to meet your perfect match, it’s gonna be someone who won’t steal your autonomy away.
Thank you so much for requesting the reading!
I'm always grateful for any feedback.
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ALSO OOPS I DONT THINK I EVER SENT YOU THE TRIVIA FOR 27?????? UH OH. OUT OF ORDER. this one is a lot shorter though so it's ok
EPISODE 27 TRIVIA:
- bizly opens this one in a baby voice "wewcome to just wolled wiff it!" absolutely insane
- charlie makes excuses for his cracked energy was because he was in the UK and tommy and ranboo were in the other room (TOMMYINNIT JUMPSCARE)
- Jesus is canon yet again. but only in vyncents world
- CONDI THOUGHT HAMSTER DANCE WAS A UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCE AT MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCES. and not just like. a youtube video that everyone knows. they played hamster dance at his middle school dance.
- speaking of which they've been overlorded again because the hamster WAS NOT ORIGINALLY A HAMSTER bizly did that solely because he has never heard hamster dance and wanted to be in on the joke
- charlie gets so worked up over the william short leg thing again and it's REALLY funny. bizly is like "I'll stop bringing it up when you stop having hilarious overreactions to it"
- "why the fuck did william make ice copies of dakotas parents that's so dark man"
"HE DIDNT MEAN IT TO BE !!!!! i think william is not very emotionally intelligent especially when it comes to stuff like this and he wanted to do something sweet for dakota. 'i know. Christmas is a great time for him to see his parents again because it's family and it'll make him happy!' without thinking about the moral implications OR the fact that they would come alive and try to strangle him"
grizzly: "dakota probably doesn't even remember Christmas with his parents"
charlie, REALLY far away from his mic: "WELL FUCK ME THEN"
- that was CONFIRMED mal trying to brwak through the barrier! charlie is TERRIFIED for williams sake especially bc he can't use his powers anymore
- condi: "hes pissed william isn't a planeswalker anymore and thats all he wanted you for"
charlie: "yknow! I dunno if william is a planeswalker anymore! he might not be!"
- WILLIAM WAS ACTUALLY BORN WITH A POWER!!!!! I forgot about this omg. so the one he was born with is called true sight and it means he's always been naturally able to see ghosts and monsters that normal people usually can't. YIPPEE
- he's also still got Kemuri's (smoke guy) powers obv ("that he regrets deeply every day"). they ARE in the spirit world and usually william wouldn't need a guide but since the wisps left him their guide is now master cole! if he were to leave/abandon them or whatever they'd no longer be able to stay in the spirit world. even william
- there are full versions of the colestyle gaming videos hidden somewhere on the patreon. fun fact. they're also talking about now doing one where william plays phasmophobia. or doing one with all 4 of them playing a game and bizly being tide. i don't think they ever actually did that but GOD i would kill for it.
- charlie was being annoying and grizzly responded with "I hope william stays alive *forever*" which sounds like it should be a nice thing to say but the way he said it was so absolutely scathing . brutal.
- quick mac detour theyre back to the game thing charlie says he wants to do a video playing elden ring as gillion and i NEED THAT SOOOO BAD. I miss gillion so much :(
- speaking of gillion idk why there's so much gillion trivia rn but charlie says the inspiration for his voice was "a combination of the spongebob narrator and my himbo fantasy" hello?
HOW HAS BIZLY NEVER HEARD HAMSTER DANCE??????????? yes this is what i'm taking from this. hello. how.
im so delighted w/ william thinking it's a great idea to make ice copies of his friends dead parents. god. NONE of the fucking prime defenders are emotionally intelligent they all have so many problems. prime traumatic stress defenders!!
ive said it like a billion times but i'm so fucking excited for the mal shit!!! i can't waittt!!!!! shaking him back n forth!!! wiwi torment nexus now!!!! also him being born with true sight is REALLY cool actually i feel like. this has been referenced on n off but i didn't realize it was actually a thing.. huh. i wonder if that's why the wisps targeted him. except their entire thing Is being seen so i dunno.!! cool... god. wiwi i love u wiwi... i want to go to deadwood i have so many fucking questions!!! why is the trickster there!! rift between worlds thats just coincidentally in his hometown!!! also i was just thinking ab kemuri's smoke powers im so glad he still feels awful using them :]] "i hope william stays alive forever" MEAN TO HIM!!! holy shit!!! wheezing!!
im gonna have a great time w gillion whenever i get around 2 riptide btw thats so funny. help. spogebob narrator himbo fantasy........
#THABK U FOR THE BOWL OF SEEDS!!!!!! good trivia lately!!! man!!!#okay. OKAY. time 2 start 29..... rubbing my filthy little hands together#pd lb#mac tag!
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okay ive never used tumblr before so i dont really know how posts are typically formatted, however, i do just want to use this mainly to word vomit so! jumbled messy thoughts on brothers karamazov, books five and six:
ive only read up until here so far, but im pretty sure that this is my favorite part of the entire book. the contrast is so insane, i adore dostoevsky. book five was so dense with heavy cynicism and doubt and followed book six being so reassuring and calm. part of me wishes that i was able to read both parts immediately after the other hahaha i also think that anyone that wants to read the brothers karamazov but does not want to read the brick of a book it is, they should read books five and six! just the chapters focused on ivans and zosimas perspective of faith, i mean.
i think that the idea that “the world is so evil, there is no way a benevolent god could have created it” is probably one of the main reasons ive been so unwilling to believe that there is a god, and its one of the main things that ivan was explaining to alyosha in book five. its so hard to accept that any amount of suffering is going to be worth whatever this all is. and yet… my goodness. humanity needs god? whether it is god that created humankind or humankind inventing god out of necessity… and just like ivan, i think ive always believed that believing in god would heal me somehow, that ill finally understand how to be alive as a human being when i do... the need to know what it was all for!
also the sticky little leaves part that ivan said!!! “i want to live, and i do live, even if it be against logic, tho i do not believe in the order of things, still the sticky little leaves that come out in the spring are dear to me, the blue sky is dear to me, whom one loves sometimes, would you believe it, without even knowing why” real real real. and ahh, alyosha responded something like how you can only understand lifes meaning after you love life (before logic)… which makes sense but yk, i always thought it was the opposite, that i had to understand lifes meaning in order to love life and be happy, but it was a very hopeless and sad conclusion. so this made me feel better honestly.
agh… and the whole “grand inquisitor” poem was so dark and insane, it tore me to shreds. i actually dont know what to say, except maybe now i understand why its the most famous chapter in the book.
i adore ivan and i adore alyosha and i adore their relationship. the way they speak to each other with love and respect for the other, even tho they believe in totally opposite things. im not sure about alyosha bc ivan was doing most of the talking, but my impression is that they were searching for answers from the other, they really do love each other. “tho im terribly fond of one russian boy named alyosha” sobs. “i thought, brother, that when i left here id have you, at least, in all the world” cries. “so alyosha, if indeed i hold out for the sticky little leaves, i shall love them only remembering you. its enough for me that you are here somewhere, and i shall not stop wanting to live. is that enough for you? if you wish, you can take it as a declaration of love” weeps.
okay about the zosima chapters… the thing is that even tho i have a lot of thoughts and feelings regarding faith, i am not a religious person, so i do wonder how someone who is christian would feel reading this book. for me tho… reading these chapters somehow made me feel the closest to having faith in anything ever hahaha… i dont think i care more about “gods truth” or anything, but just… i think ive been isolating myself way too much and thinking that everything must be done and figure out how to experience the fullness of life by me alone. and then zosima hits me with a “everywhere now the human mind has begun laughably not to understand that a mans true security lies not in his own solitary effort, but in the general wholeness of humanity.” and i believe that, i do! esp with how much individualism and capitalism stinks up this place. but i forget when it comes to myself i think…
i think my favorite sections from the zosima chapters are the ones about praying, loving, and judging others. uhm i dont pray, altho i think its mainly due to the fact that i do not know how to pray, and its not like zosima explains what praying is like exactly… but his words make me think that its just a very personal thing..? ahh anyway, the lines about love love love. “love man also in his sin, for this likeness of gods love is the height of love on earth” and “if you love each thing, you will perceive the mystery of god in things. once you have perceived it, you will begin tirelessly to perceive more and more of it every day. and you will come at last to love the whole world with an entire, universal love”… lives in my mind constantly now, its crazy its crazy i dont understand why his words mean so much to me. dostoevsky gets me, he really does.
ofc theres so many good lines from zosima, and this one probably isnt that great of a line compared to the many others, but to me at least, i started crying here hahaha it was pretty much at the very end of book six: “but woe to those who have destroyed themselves on earth, woe to the suicides! i think there can be no one unhappier than they. we are told that it is a sin to pray to god for them, and outwardly the church rejects them, as it were, but in the secret of my soul i think that one may pray for them as well. christ will not be angered by love. within myself, all my life, i have prayed for them, i confess it to you, fathers and teachers, and still pray every day.” ahh!!! im not even religious, and tbh ive not felt much when someone tells me they have prayed for me, but… maybe its bc i hate how mentally ill i am and hate how much i self sabotage and destroy myself, but some fictional monastery elder saying that he prays for and loves someone like me??? i cried real tears.
im probably being very dramatic, but after reading the zosima chapters esp towards the end of book six, i felt… so much love? i felt so loved. and yet also somehow guilt for not loving the world enough and not believing in mankind enough. i have to accept the world and of humanity and of myself, and i must love, oh how i must always love! zosimas such unconditional and undifferentiated love is so important to me, i dont know what to do… i think that reading this book has done more for me (regarding faith in the world and everything) than anything else has hahaha. it feels so silly bc im not even halfway done with the book yet and i already feel that this is the most important book ive ever read. its also funny bc you read the little paragraph on the back of the book and the first sentence describing the book is that this is a murder mystery (the actual murder hasnt even happened yet!) hahaha i love this book truly truly.
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venting about childhood trauma and how i’m still living in it
i wish i could go around and ask people what it was like to get in trouble in their house bc idk if my experience was wack or not bc when i start to explain it i’m like hmmm…that seems normal. but then maybe not? like they’d take our phones and look through them once they knew we had done something Bad, which means they usually found something else on the phone to be mad about. and then they wouldn’t yell but they’d be angry and disappointed yk and they always acted like they just couldn’t comprehend why we couldn’t just do the right thing! like why did we mess up and do something not good! why! it always felt like an over reaction i guess, they’d have lots of punishments which were always no phone, no electronics or tv, no friends, have to see a christian counselor, have to go to bible study more often/consistently, have to read my bible. etc. when i got caught for drinking i had 11 punishments and they only carried out like half of them. idk i feel silly cause it’s like yeah i got grounded…i messed up and got grounded and my parents were disappointed in me just like every other teenager to ever exist. so why tf was it so traumatizing like holy fuck it was traumatizing it was soooo anxiety inducing all the time to think you might get in trouble any second and you couldn’t control the reaction you’d get and you couldn’t control the punishments, you couldn’t control how they felt about it. like sure if you just lay out what happened it’s maybe not that bad, but i felt so much true fear towards them all the time and i just wonder if that’s not the normal way to feel about your parents. when i would get in trouble i always felt horrible and wanted forgiveness immediately bc i was scared they would stop loving me (like they did with my sister!) and i’m just fucking mad honestly that now i’m like this! like i constantly feel on edge like someone is going to get me in trouble and it’s going to be bad! i feel like someone is waiting to hate me or be disappointed in me and any minute i’m gonna have punishments and angry people who are More Worthy than me who don’t understand why i couldn’t just be good! i don’t wanna deal with this i don’t want to feel like every person is my mom and i’m 7. it’s stupid cause it’s not even actually about feeling 7. i just never stopped feeling that way, its like i know that’s where it started and then it just couldn’t stop. i never learned that getting in trouble or messing up wasn’t a bad thing that people would hate you for. there was no room for error and now i’ve continued that expectation for myself which is crazy! like i am literally just a person i am not a hero, there is no god that wants me to make him happy. i am just a person who is living and it is hard and sometimes idk what i’m doing. i can’t keep being this hard on myself i just won’t be able to survive this way. i am so cruel and so unfair to myself and i give myself so many punishments and ive just been feeling like yeah but at least it’s me! at least it’s mine and i get to say when im in trouble and for what. at least there is control but idk i don’t want it i want to fuck up on accident and forgive myself. i want to fuck up on purpose and forgive myself bc i’m sure i had reasons and now i’ve learned it. life is just learning shit, wtf am i doing trying to be Good. worst part is, my mom would still freak out and overreact if she found out…anything from my actual life lmao. i hate that i still live in that fear! although now it is small and in my hands i can simply squash it because it comes from nothing true. it comes from people who should’ve done better for my younger self and i’m ready to kill it. anyways the original question is basically when other people got grounded did it feel like god ripped you out of the universe and wailed in his disappointment and then threw you back into your house with all the rage still there or no?
#being an adult is weird cause your childhood isn’t relevant to your life but its the foundation in your brain#but typing that out felt really good and i didn’t quite realize all of that like i knew…but i didn’t know#i feel powerful now that i know. like yeah the fear was not normal and not deserved and that’s why i can’t get rid of it#pink’s word vomiting#tw religion
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you are very loud about being aro/ace in a way ive not been able to see by anyone else and especially looking at your perspective of sam and max and the bond they share
i have to ask you- how do i know if aromantic is a good label for me?
im sex repulsed so when i finally accepted the label of ace it felt like a warm security blanket and its always been so easy to turn people down before, but now i dont feel the same weird guilt about it
but i fell in love before- it was awful- i never want to do it again, atleast in that same way
so sorry if this is too invasive but- how do i know if im aromantic, what dose romance even mean to people?
do i really just want a friend to feel safe with that gives me hugs? the more i think about it the more i think thats what it is....
i can't really give you one answer, everyone's experiences are different and aromanticism is a spectrum with a lot of different identities, my own aro experience is not the same as many other's and at the end of the day it's something that you figure out yourself
Even if you're never too sure whether you're aro or not, trying the label if it makes you happy at the moment is enough. Don't worry that you're 'not really aro' or 'not aro enough' or that 'you'll realize later that you weren't aro' don't worry about that at all, none of that it's true, if you need the aro label right now use it. When I started identifying as aro i had MANY doubts and i was really worried that i wasn't truly aromantic and i was just faking it for attention, but I chose to identify as aro since at the moment it made me happy and if it turned out I wasn't, that was okay. 6 years later, i'm aromantic and I understand myself better, I understand relationships better, I understand the concept of love or not feeling love better and I'm so happy that I tried the label even when I still wasn't sure
If you can't find the words to describe the kind of relationship you want that's okay too, you don't need all the answers and you don't have to rush yourself to find them, if you're not comfortable with romantic relationships anymore that's okay, just choose whatever makes you happy and comfortable and that's enough. Sorry I can't give you a straight answer, I don't think there is any, but I wish you good luck and I'm happy I could help you
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returning to ydays post so gbf spoilers for the event for sure, probably mhyk spoilers too
Morimori: But what's so wrong about forgetting? It's not his fault. And it's not Erbsu's or Nerine's either. Even the past town elders were forced to make tough decisions. Running from reality and forgetting the bad things is how we as people can live happy, treeful lives.
Drusilla: Are you perhaps encouraging me?
Morimori: I thought that was obvious. Even if you end up forgetting Nerine, you're not to blame.
this EXCHANGE........1) nerine's entire thing alrdy had me bawling but. i was alrdy thinking about these topics since ive been thinking about type0 again...@_@ i DO run off akira rmbring the wizards & everything, i talked about this a while back, but it IS true that arthur&co forgot the old sage's face & name almost immediately. theres a lot of fanwork too revolving around akira being forgotten/forgetting too (more strongly in the forgetting side, while forgotten rly is mostly.....name&face. points to yorushika's usotsuki for the billionth time). riquet's anni card about riquet's book.....there is sage's book, so why not make akira's book too? 1.5 with them not telling anyone what actually happened that night, and akira silently wishing that someone will one day ask them about their story. ive had this thought for soooo long too about akira writing down everything they rmbr of the wizards&their world when they return to their world, in order to not forget, in order to not lose it. 'you're not to blame' did a number on me big time
Nerine: I'm not sure why, but it feels like this sort of thing calls for more than a… thing.
Drusilla: You mean a story would be better?
Nerine: Whoa, how'd you know? I was going to write one as soon as I got back to the forest!
Drusilla: I thought it might be worth learning from your example as well.
Nerine: My example? Are you going to write a story too? Then this trip'll be great inspiration! Let's have lots of fun until the very last minute!
which essentially goes into this exchange too,,,,,T_T rather than an item, writing a story......telling a story......even if its not read by anyone, something that you can read and remember.......memories fade, stories remain, all that....
Drusilla: Sigh… All I wanted was for you to experience normal town life.
Nerine: Huh? But that's impossible. I'm with you, aren't I? That makes it too special to be normal.
Drusilla: …! I-I'm impressed you can say such things without even a hint of embarrassment.
akira before vs after meeting the wizards (but rly.....voicing ur feelings rather than keeping them inside....T_T
Nerine: How am I supposed to smile! I don't want to say goodbye! We haven't even eaten cake together yet! I can't believe this is the end! That I'll never see you again!
Drusilla: This is the worst! I want to spend more time with you! Forget being special! Why couldn't we have met under normal circumstances!
figaros fkng mahopa. school april fools. that one chocolate meeting place vday event. theres another time where akiras like 'will i too be able to wave goodbye while smiling?' or whatever but i cant rmbr which event it is. anyway i was BAWLING
Drusilla: Thanks to Nerine, I realized something. I'm special to Nerine, and she's just as special to me. But it's not just her—the crew, my friends, and my family are all incredibly important to me. And they all have people who are important to them. Everyone is special to someone.
;_; 2nd anni............................1.5.......................pt2.............................. everyone is special to someone.......
theres admittedly also the mhyk 3rd anni website txt,,,
Even fairy tales without happy endings can one day be cherished all the same.
gggggg i wANT THE HAPPY ENDINGS THOOOOO korwa is so right for always talking about that. either way the full text talking about weaving a tale and similar,,,,i havent read that anni story still but the cards with 'capturing a moment'...T_T anyway i have an entire side thought on "happy", especially in regards to pt2 focus charas but ill get into that when pt2 is finished im so emotionally drained after this event + today.
there IS also an entire subject on the forgetting in the event in regards to gran's feelings in current msq but ill take that on gran someday. also especially the first part.....in regards to the part in 1.5 that makes it iffy whether akiras alive or not (especially considering what the Common isekai plot is)........i have thoughts regarding all that & how brad looked at akira when speaking about nova + how faust thought nova reminded them of akira in that 'u r not from here' way, but i still havent read ch17 and overall i assume theyre gonna drop the entire thing on us during pt2? so ill come back to that l8r but in general. man. this event story........im not used to being the target audience this often, last time was sui?? and before that sincerely???? 3 events within one year....waow.....
anyway im drained
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how do i deal with learning to love my body? im not skinny, i have a bulge on my stomach that makes me look at myself with anger and hate. i have curves but if i try to flatter them with clothes, that bulge takes it away. ive been genuinely trying to eat less but i end up binging by night time because of being hungry all day. i cant exercise because of being sick. i just want to feel pretty. how did you get to a point where you loved your body? apologies.
for me before i loved my body i had to reach a point of just accepting it. my body doesn't always need to be what i or anyone else would consider beautiful - it's enough that it keeps me alive. you're not here to appeal to everyone or to meet beauty standards. you're here to experience life. you're never going to be able to punish yourself into loving yourself - sometimes you just need to take a step back and see that your body doesn't deserve to be hated. you don't deserve to feel like crap about yourself or live in a permanently hungry state. you deserve to experience life and all of its joys to the best of your ability! something else that was really healing for me too was realising how much i loved everybody else's features. for example, the person i love most in life has very severe body dysmorphia. she hates how she looks, but every time i see her i light up. every single feature she possesses that she hates so much, i adore. there will always be someone out there who admires you and thinks you are so, so beautiful. you don't need to perform or meet insane societal standards that half the time aren't even achieved without seriously unhealthy habits or plastic surgery. i know it's easier said than done, but you do deserve to feel happy in yourself. i think the road to that starts with accepting that that's true.
#cw body talk#you are pretty bb i promise <3#my go to with stuff like this is always to recommend therapy tbh but ik that's not always accessible#im wishing u luck. if it ever gets too much remember that i will always find you beautiful#i dont need to see you to know i would. theres beauty in everyone and everything#valentina answers#anon my beloved
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i think ive had a very different experience with religion compared to other people who went through a similar experience with it to me.
religion and belief fascinate me. in a good way. i support everyones right to their own faith. ive always been forced to see it from somewhat of an outsiders perspective though despite being raised pretty religiously in the deep south.
maybe its because my parents themselves werent very religious, but i was never able to truly believe. it never got through to me. i tried witchcraft and wiccan spirituality when i was over and while i felt i was getting closer to this faith, it still never stuck.
growing up, believing in god was the default.
i had this thing where, based on what other people around me did and how they treated me, i would think that it was actually true of myself. i convinced myself that my favorite color was pink, like it was a rule. everything i owned or wore should have been pink or else something was wrong. whenever asked, i would say my favorite color was pink. not once did i ever really think about whether or not i really liked the color pink. it was just my favorite color and therefore having things in it was good! it made me happy.
in the same way, i thought i believed in god. i didnt think about it much when i was very very little. i went to church. we played games and had snacks and heard bible stories.
when i got a little older things got a little more serious. we learned about the rules to get to heaven. the three things you needed to do, your abcs. and one of them was to believe. to believe that god was real, that jesus was his son, and that jesus died on the cross for our sins. and i thought, well of course i believe this. and for a while, i didnt think about this much more. if i said i believed, it must have been true. why wouldnt it have been true? it was a long while.
looking back, i dont think i ever truly believed. i think it was like the color pink. one had to believe, and so i did.
i remember many anecdotes where i questioned the little things religious teachers and media told me. the story of the rainbow perplexed me. if god made it than why did my teacher say it was made by sunlight shining through rain or something those lines. i didnt understand that what they meant was that god made that the result of sunlight and rain.
another example, i believe this was before the previous one chronologically, i was sitting in class. im not sure what made me think of it but i had the concept of jesus being is ones heart and listening to ones heart, and i didnt get it. i didnt hear anything in there. i didnt feel anything in there. was jesus not in my heart? i decided that he was there and i could feel it despite the evidence otherwise and moved on.
my final example: sitting in the car with my aunt and cousins on my mothers side, who were, in fact, very religious. we were close growing up, and i think they played a significant part in my religious journey. we were listening to some kids christian music album, i remember "big apple" being in the title, and i dont remember how it sounded at all but i do remember it saying, in shockingly literal words, that one should love god more than their parents. this was always implied, of course, god was the most important. but to really hear it spelled out like this shook me to my core. i remember hearing it and looking at my aunt thinking, could she really believe this? i waited for her to tell us that it was wrong. i dont remember if this really happened or not but i have this vision in my head of my cousins asking her about it and her affirming that it was true.
i didnt think i could love god more than my parents. i didnt put this into words at the time but god felt so far away from me, compared to my parents who felt so real. my parents raised me, loved me, and cared for me. god was this far off being, who i was told was all knowing, all powerful, and all loving, impossible to comprehend for a kid my age.
i found out my parents werent religious when i came home from sunday school the day i learned about the abcs and i, of course, had to make sure my parents had done those things so that they could go to heaven.
my dad said he wasnt interested. he was an atheist, and wasnt interested in being converted. my mother said she was more agnostic but that she had probably done those things earlier in her life when she was religious. and naturally, this horrified me.
i didnt want to go to heaven without my parents. i used to kiss all of my stuffed animals goodnight before bed so that they knew i loved them. if i ever forgot to say "goodnight, i love you, sleep well" to my parents before bed i would whisper it in the dark with tears streaming down my cheeks, hoping that they would know on the off chance that they died in their sleep last night. i didnt want to go to heaven without my parents.
of course, this all culminated in me "officially" losing my religion. soon after that incident, i decided that if my parents werent to believe, i wouldnt either. it was as simple as that. it was as simple to "not believe" as it was for me to "believe" in the first place. like turning off a light switch.
of course it wasnt so easy for me being in the deep south with such a religious family. it was hard and the thought of religion still distressed me. it was scary not being able to say "oh yeah i believe that" anymore. i dont even remember when i stopped going to church. its harder to remember the things i didnt do. i do remember one kid who went to my church asking me why i stopped going.
in an event that i feel permanently scarred the relationship between me and my cousin, as we had always been very close, he had initially put on some christian song while we were hanging out. it was by owl city. i didnt like it and i expressed that to him. he said oh you dont like this song? well its about god, so youre saying you dont like god? he had caught me in his elementary school logic. i was done for. i got upset and defensive and ran to another room, locked the door, and hid until, if i remember correctly, he and his family left. we never spoke of this again.
in a more positive experience of "coming out" as an atheist, i told my best friend at the time, and for a while she chanted "[my name]s going to die" in a lighthearted tone which was a little annoying but didnt really bother me, surprisingly, and then she moved on and our relationship remained the same until the last time i saw her.
later on in life, though still at an extremely young age to be doing this, i discovered feminism, politics, and youtube atheism. i realized i was "gay," began experiencing gender dysphoria and anxiety, and i became a massive nihilist. the middle two were unrelated to the politics and youtube atheism or skepticism. i was anti-religion and i was angry. i was upset at how id been raised, the beliefs many people around me almost certainly held, the idea that they would stop loving me had they known certain things about me, and all of the pain and confusion it had caused me at an even younger age. my anxiety around being preached to existed ever since my initial realization, and this staunch disliking lessened it. there were other people like me.
i dont believe that anymore of course. long since, ive realized that religion is not inherently evil, nor those who engage with it, and that, in fact, religion can bring good and helps a lot of people. i think everyone has the right to believe whatever they want so long as it doesnt harm anyone.
this brings me to my point about being fascinated with religion a. its something that has been a massive presence throughout time, across societies. my anxiety around religion has almost entirely dissipated by this point in my life, and now i kind of want to know. how do they do it? how are people able to believe in a higher power, or force, or presence? how does it feel? ive long since concluded that im not capable of it, trying many times with different spiritualities to really connect but i feel so much like an outsider no matter what. im almost jealous of even those who no longer believe but once did. its not something that eats me up inside, and i dont even think about it, but still i wonder. maybe thats something ill never get to experience. realistically, maybe im glad its not. nonetheless, i have massive respect for those who do and can. thank you.
#GOD#started typing out a simple little post and then i got stuck and couldnt stop until i finished#jd stfu
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Little and Broken
Chapter 4
Also on AO3
A/N Last chapter has been updated to fit along with plot ideas I’ve come up with since writing this chapter
__________
Get out. Why is he here?” Virgil painfully adjusted himself from where he was on his beat up recliner. Looking at Patton as he asked the question before glaring at who was now in his home.
“I said get out.”
“I’m here to help you little nightmare. You should be thankful I made a presence. I took a leave from my tour.”
“Oh I’m so sorry my near death experience is such a burden. You can go, I won’t keep you from your extravagant life. Get out of my home.”
“Okay, boys.” Patton was trying to firm, he couldn’t handle the bickering. It was a reminder of bad times of their youth. “This is the arrangement. We’re all adults, we can act like it, right?”
“That’s funny coming from you Patton. You’re the most childish “adult” I know. And Roman’s the most self centered, egotistical, jerk I know. And I want both of you out of my home. Now.”
“You little-“ Roman growled
“Roman.” Patton was quick to cut the other off. Doing his best to remain the peacekeeper between the two.
“Virgil we talked about this, you can’t take care of yourself yet. As soon as you get to that point we’ll leave. Okay? This is your home. And we don’t want to invade, do we Roman.” Patton wasn’t asking.
“Guess not.” The actor mumbled.
“I can take care of myself.”
“Sure you can. Why don’t you get up show us what you can do then?” Roman challenged, crossing his arms and smirking at the youngest.
Virgil wasn’t going to back down, and was just beginning to get out of the recliner when the eldest in the room stopped him.
“Virgil, stay. Roman, a word?”
Without waiting patton walked across the apartment and to the second bedroom.
With a snort Roman followed the second eldest sibling to another room.
“What?”
“Can you please not?”
“He started it!”
“I don’t care! I need help Roman. I need this to be easier not harder. He’s different. And I could really use a break so if you could go five minutes without giving in please do so. Just..please.”
Now that they were alone roman could finally take in pattons appearance. He had bags under his eyes, and seemed stressed. It was not something he was used to associating with his brother.
“Alright Pat. Ive got ya. I’m sorry, okay?” He said with a gentle tone. “He just gets under my skin.”
“I know. I…don’t know what happened. One minute we’re a happy family, next minute he’s sixteen and running away.
“He’s a selfish little-“
“Roman.”
“Yeah yeah, no swearing. I remember.”
While the thorns in his side left the main room of the small apartment Virgil closed his eyes and rubbed his temple with his one good hand.
He hated this situation. Once again in his life he was completely helpless. And he couldn’t even remember how it happened.
It was explained to him that possibly after his concussion healed his memories may become clearer. But the true reality of it was that he was never going to fix the patches in his memory. The holes in his mind.
Then there’s the road rash from his mid back down his leg. Well, the one that hadn’t been broken. Plus his left hand and wrist had shattered bones. Never to be the same again. Then there was his broken and battered ribs that hurt with every little movement and made him feel his chest and lungs were burning ever time he breathed.
What fun.
Just as he was getting happy with his life this happens. He sighed, rolling his head to look over at the wheelchair sitting close by his recliner. He hated he needed the thing. But he hadn’t the stability or strength to use crutches yet. But even if he had he doubted he’d even be able to maneuver with those with us wrist and all.
What he hated most of all though was all of the bad memories that this was bringing up for him. Pain wasn’t the only thing keeping him up at night.
“So-“
Virgil jumped at Romans voice. Not hearing the two’s footsteps come back from the single bedroom in the apartment.
“Sure is cold in here.”
“It’s as cold as your personality, you should be used to it.”
With a glance at Patton, Roman bit back the remark he wanted to make.
“Right.”
“Besides that’s how I like it. You’re free to leave if you don’t like it.” Virgil replied staring at the ceiling again.
Roman took a deep breath. “It’s your place.”
He said through his teeth.
This is for Patton. Not the little scrunge goblin before him.
He could do this. For Patton.
Tag list: @frankiprowsworld @theymaynotbedenied @kindly-falling @darkle-elkrad @harry-niclach @lesbianturtle @octopushugs @monikastec @superfanboy19 @a-ghost @pearls-of-patton @pearls-of-patton-moved @crownswriter123 @nienna14
#little and broken#sanders sides fanfiction#sanders sides fanfic#family au#logan sanders#virgil sanders#roman sanders#patton sanders#my fanfic#my fic
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Of course I would never ghost! Nothing terrible, life has just been... ugh... life. But I'm happy to be back with more time for reading and interacting. Your writing and our chats bring me a lot of joy. 🙂
These two are just too cute to handle. I loved their flirty moments at the bar and OCs comparison of Taehyung as delicate and Namjoon as steady was so insightful. I'm glad she recognized the parallels between what Taehyung is doing with her and what she is doing with Namjoon. If only Taehyung would spend some time on inward reflection like that! I am nervous about the conversation Kris suggested she have with him...
I also forgot to mention in my last post how much the conversation in Part IV between Namjoon and OC about her parents struck a chord with me. Meeting new people and having to navigate the lost parent issue. Trying to figure out whether it's worth saying what happened and bringing down the whole mood or just kind of glossing over when people ask about my parents. Then having to manage the other person's guilt for having brought it up. Ugh it's the fucking worst and the way you described OCs inner thought process was so true to my experience. It makes me feel seen when other people can understand how painful those moments can be, so thank you for writing it.
Omg Agust D tour, yes I definitely plan to go! I remembered you saying you came to LA for PTD so I wasn't sure if that meant you were closer to the west coast, but I am manifesting all the positive energy that we will both score tickets.
I saw your post that work/school has been kicking your butt lately, and I'm sorry to hear that, but am sending you a big "I'm proud of you!" from Taetae (you know the gif) because seriously even if you feel like you're not able to give your 100% to it all, the fact that you are even juggling both AND writing is like 🤯 impressive. Jo, you nice, keep going. 💜
i'm glad you have more time too!!!
eh you said three smart things in a row so hold on. 1) yes, oc is noticing the differences between tae and joon. do we think there's a part of her that i wondering if perhaps what she thought she wanted all this time wouldn't be what makes her happy, in the end? 2) yesss honestly you can attribute how well these two work with each other to the lessons they've learned from their pasts! (or in oc's case... present lol) if she didn't have this bullshit with taehyung, would she have played more games with namjoon and strung him along more? was it the hurt from taehyung's behavior that made her learn to do better? hmmmmm 3) "if only taehyung would do some inward reflection like that" gosh i wonder if any..... events.... might make him finally need to do that >:)
i'm glad to hear oc's behavior/thought process/feelings rang true to you. i hope you were careful with yourself when reading that part, i was worried it would be triggering.
the way i keep checking my email to see if i got my code for presale... even though i know it's not until the 28th.... goodness.
ugh i am tryinnngggg to keep going but woof i'm having a really hard time these last few weeks. i haven't written anything in two weeks which i think is the longest i've gone since i started writing ff again. i desperately need some unscheduled days off where i can just..... get ahead. per semester i'm taking a full courseload but it's one class at a time so it's SUPER condensed and sometimes i feel like just the reading/research is a whole week's worth but somehow i'm supposed to do the three assignments based on that reading also??????????? like??????
ANYWAY!!!!!!! Part 7 tomorrow and I think it's a heavy-hitter!! i hoep you enjoy!!! thanks for stopping by <3 <3 <3
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