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zapsoda · 2 years

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i think ive had a very different experience with religion compared to other people who went through a similar experience with it to me.

religion and belief fascinate me. in a good way. i support everyones right to their own faith. ive always been forced to see it from somewhat of an outsiders perspective though despite being raised pretty religiously in the deep south.

maybe its because my parents themselves werent very religious, but i was never able to truly believe. it never got through to me. i tried witchcraft and wiccan spirituality when i was over and while i felt i was getting closer to this faith, it still never stuck.

growing up, believing in god was the default.

i had this thing where, based on what other people around me did and how they treated me, i would think that it was actually true of myself. i convinced myself that my favorite color was pink, like it was a rule. everything i owned or wore should have been pink or else something was wrong. whenever asked, i would say my favorite color was pink. not once did i ever really think about whether or not i really liked the color pink. it was just my favorite color and therefore having things in it was good! it made me happy.

in the same way, i thought i believed in god. i didnt think about it much when i was very very little. i went to church. we played games and had snacks and heard bible stories.

when i got a little older things got a little more serious. we learned about the rules to get to heaven. the three things you needed to do, your abcs. and one of them was to believe. to believe that god was real, that jesus was his son, and that jesus died on the cross for our sins. and i thought, well of course i believe this. and for a while, i didnt think about this much more. if i said i believed, it must have been true. why wouldnt it have been true? it was a long while.

looking back, i dont think i ever truly believed. i think it was like the color pink. one had to believe, and so i did.

i remember many anecdotes where i questioned the little things religious teachers and media told me. the story of the rainbow perplexed me. if god made it than why did my teacher say it was made by sunlight shining through rain or something those lines. i didnt understand that what they meant was that god made that the result of sunlight and rain.

another example, i believe this was before the previous one chronologically, i was sitting in class. im not sure what made me think of it but i had the concept of jesus being is ones heart and listening to ones heart, and i didnt get it. i didnt hear anything in there. i didnt feel anything in there. was jesus not in my heart? i decided that he was there and i could feel it despite the evidence otherwise and moved on.

my final example: sitting in the car with my aunt and cousins on my mothers side, who were, in fact, very religious. we were close growing up, and i think they played a significant part in my religious journey. we were listening to some kids christian music album, i remember "big apple" being in the title, and i dont remember how it sounded at all but i do remember it saying, in shockingly literal words, that one should love god more than their parents. this was always implied, of course, god was the most important. but to really hear it spelled out like this shook me to my core. i remember hearing it and looking at my aunt thinking, could she really believe this? i waited for her to tell us that it was wrong. i dont remember if this really happened or not but i have this vision in my head of my cousins asking her about it and her affirming that it was true.

i didnt think i could love god more than my parents. i didnt put this into words at the time but god felt so far away from me, compared to my parents who felt so real. my parents raised me, loved me, and cared for me. god was this far off being, who i was told was all knowing, all powerful, and all loving, impossible to comprehend for a kid my age.

i found out my parents werent religious when i came home from sunday school the day i learned about the abcs and i, of course, had to make sure my parents had done those things so that they could go to heaven.

my dad said he wasnt interested. he was an atheist, and wasnt interested in being converted. my mother said she was more agnostic but that she had probably done those things earlier in her life when she was religious. and naturally, this horrified me.

i didnt want to go to heaven without my parents. i used to kiss all of my stuffed animals goodnight before bed so that they knew i loved them. if i ever forgot to say "goodnight, i love you, sleep well" to my parents before bed i would whisper it in the dark with tears streaming down my cheeks, hoping that they would know on the off chance that they died in their sleep last night. i didnt want to go to heaven without my parents.

of course, this all culminated in me "officially" losing my religion. soon after that incident, i decided that if my parents werent to believe, i wouldnt either. it was as simple as that. it was as simple to "not believe" as it was for me to "believe" in the first place. like turning off a light switch.

of course it wasnt so easy for me being in the deep south with such a religious family. it was hard and the thought of religion still distressed me. it was scary not being able to say "oh yeah i believe that" anymore. i dont even remember when i stopped going to church. its harder to remember the things i didnt do. i do remember one kid who went to my church asking me why i stopped going.

in an event that i feel permanently scarred the relationship between me and my cousin, as we had always been very close, he had initially put on some christian song while we were hanging out. it was by owl city. i didnt like it and i expressed that to him. he said oh you dont like this song? well its about god, so youre saying you dont like god? he had caught me in his elementary school logic. i was done for. i got upset and defensive and ran to another room, locked the door, and hid until, if i remember correctly, he and his family left. we never spoke of this again.

in a more positive experience of "coming out" as an atheist, i told my best friend at the time, and for a while she chanted "[my name]s going to die" in a lighthearted tone which was a little annoying but didnt really bother me, surprisingly, and then she moved on and our relationship remained the same until the last time i saw her.

later on in life, though still at an extremely young age to be doing this, i discovered feminism, politics, and youtube atheism. i realized i was "gay," began experiencing gender dysphoria and anxiety, and i became a massive nihilist. the middle two were unrelated to the politics and youtube atheism or skepticism. i was anti-religion and i was angry. i was upset at how id been raised, the beliefs many people around me almost certainly held, the idea that they would stop loving me had they known certain things about me, and all of the pain and confusion it had caused me at an even younger age. my anxiety around being preached to existed ever since my initial realization, and this staunch disliking lessened it. there were other people like me.

i dont believe that anymore of course. long since, ive realized that religion is not inherently evil, nor those who engage with it, and that, in fact, religion can bring good and helps a lot of people. i think everyone has the right to believe whatever they want so long as it doesnt harm anyone.

this brings me to my point about being fascinated with religion a. its something that has been a massive presence throughout time, across societies. my anxiety around religion has almost entirely dissipated by this point in my life, and now i kind of want to know. how do they do it? how are people able to believe in a higher power, or force, or presence? how does it feel? ive long since concluded that im not capable of it, trying many times with different spiritualities to really connect but i feel so much like an outsider no matter what. im almost jealous of even those who no longer believe but once did. its not something that eats me up inside, and i dont even think about it, but still i wonder. maybe thats something ill never get to experience. realistically, maybe im glad its not. nonetheless, i have massive respect for those who do and can. thank you.

#GOD #started typing out a simple little post and then i got stuck and couldnt stop until i finished #jd stfu

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quokkalatte · 4 years

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I havent posted on here for awhile but I wanted to talk ab something that's been on my mind recently and I've been dwelling on it a lot lately. And it comes to supporting a friend, when they tell you they have a crush on someone.

When your friend approaches you, whether it be through text, face time, or face to face, and they tell you that they have a crush on someone, you want to be supportive right? You want to tell them "ooo ask them out then!" Or something along those lines. And if they get nervous about it, and are scared that their crush will reject them, do not say "what's the worst that could happen? Theyll reject you?"

Becuase yes. Rejection IS a worst case scenario. It might not seem big. Your crush not liking you back, so you pick yourself up and move on. Or at least that's how some people would view it. But the thing is, if you dont know a person's history when it comes to romantic interest, saying something like that can be damaging.

As I've grown up, and developed crushes on people, and when I would confide in friends, that's normally how the conversation would go. They get giddy and excited, and tell me I should ask them out. And that was okay, but over time, it wasnt. Because every. Single. Time. I would get rejected. My first crush on a boy was in elementary school. And ever since two months ago, every time I told a boy I liked them, they would reject me, often in a cruel manner.

When a freind of mine would say "the worst they can do is reject you" I would get this feeling in my stomach, and I would always think "exactly. That's the exact WORST thing that could happen. Becuase rejection hurts, and it affects others differently.

There are those who can just pick themselves up and move on. No harm no foul. But for people like me, those experiences stick to you and morph you.

Hitting Middle school, the rejection got worse. I had three small crushes in the span of three years. And every single one had found out. When I told them, they looked at me funny, and would leave to their group of freinds. And they would tease me. And laugh at me becuase I was different. I wasnt the skinny pretty little girls like the others in my class. And it was around that time I'd realised that. After the first two, there was a third. This experience is probably where alot of my issues resolved. And it was only 6th grade.

I didnt even tell him that I'd liked him, a classmate found out and told him during recess. We were waiting in line to go back inside for class, and the school I went to we had uniforms. Mine always fir tightly becuase I was bigger than most of the girls in my class. I remember I was wearing my favorite blue jacket and the khaki pants we were required to wear. When the classmate ran over to the boy I'd liked, he'd pointed at me and told him. The boy turned and looked at me, and got the most disgusted look on his face, and shouted "EW!" Before walking away. I proceeded to get upset. The classmate approached me, and in a pitting manner told me he didnt think that my crush would react that way. The girls I were freinds with said horrid things about the boy I'd liked, but the only thing that I could think of was the look of disgust on his face at the simple thought that I'd had a crush on him.

And it stuck with me. It still does. Containing through high school I became more reserved when it came to the guys I liked. I never told my friends who my crushes were, and when they outed me about it, that's all they wanted for me to do was to tell him. Tell him becuase what's the worst that could happen? He could reject me?? Yes. Becuase in my mind, I was ugly. I was undeserved of every having a boyfriend. And I was convinced I would never have one. I would look in the mirror and loath what I saw. I hated how I looked becuase all I could see were what they saw. I wore hoodies all the time even in hot weather so that I could cover my arms. I didnt want any of me showing. I wouldnt wear shorts becuase I hated how big my legs were. I held so much self loathing for myself, I wouldnt look in a mirror for longer than I had to.

That had gone on for years. I've hated myself for years becuase of judgment. Because I feared what people thought of me. It didnt just extend to what I thought the boys thought, but everyone thought. I hated attention being attracted to me, and my social anxiety got worse. Anything that brought attention to me would make my heart pound and my palms sweaty and my head buzzing with a hundred thoughts that made it so difficult to function.

It was only recently in the past couple years I've been able to accept myself. And I'm still very far off. And it might sound dumb or cliche, but the only reason that sparked this, was kpop. My friend introduced me to BTS, and I got invested in them. I loved them. I loved these 7 boys, who radiated such happiness and positivity. Their concept of loving yourself for who you are, and that the closest to you would do the same, those words meant alot to me. They helped me when I was anxious. Their music was, and still is, so soothing to me.

In my Senior year of high school I was taking my health elective, and we were learning about the BMI and to test what ours was. I refuse to share what my results were, but they werent healthy. As the teacher droned on about the topic, I sat in the back of the class quietly crying and trying to get myself to stop but I couldnt, and I felt a panic attack coming on, and I was scared that I would bring attention to myself, so I needed to distract myself from it, and I plugged my earbuds in and pulled up a BTS video. It was just a 2 minute video of Jimin laughing, and that was enough. I calmed down enough to collect myself, and I stopped crying.

Two years later I'm still not perfect. I still have a very toxic mentality of myself, and I can accept that I might need help, more than what KPOP groups can give me. They did give me the tiniest of nudges to help me, and I am very grateful.

I've told you what you shouldnt say to someone when they tell you that they have a crush on someone, so here's what you COULD say.

Your friend is worried, that their crush might reject them. You can offer your support.

"I'm here for you. I hope it works out, and I'm sure it will. And if not, I'll be here to help you"

"I understand you're scared, I see why you are. You dont have to tell them unless you're ready. I'm in your corner if you need me"

Motivate your friend in a good way. Dont pressure them into it, becuase it can make them anxious and stressed because they feel like they HAVE to tell their crush, and it makes it worse on them. Encourage your freind to get to know their crush. Tiny things, speaking to them. And if their scared about that, reassurance will help them. Offering advice and tips on what they could say and do will help them.

This is my last personal story to pair with this. I developed a crush on a guy. We met through a mutual freind, one who happens to be a very good friend of mine. I got his snapchat, and since then we've talked every day since. I didnt realise that I'd had feeling for him until a month into just chatting, and I started to wonder if he felt the same. The select few people i told all told me that it was possible, and they believed that all the signs he gave me were pointing towards yes, he did like me. I was still unsure, so very unsure.

My best friend is who helped me the most. I told him about a week after I found out my crush on this boy, and he was immediately supportive. He never once said to me "worst case scenario he rejects you". He told me o should talk to him more, get to know this boy and see what happened. My feelings became stronger every passing day. This boy made me so happy, and he was unlike any of my past crushes. I was so used to the guys I liked wanted nothing to do with me, or if they actually DID, it wasnt becuase of me, but because they wanted nudes. The few experiences I'd had with guys before this boy were awful. I had been talking to a guy but all he cared about was sex and nothing else and ignored me for a month, and then proceeded to ask for nudes becuase he was horny. It was very damaging for my mental state, and I was in a rough place. Id cried to my best freind, begging for him to tell me what was wrong with me. Why boys didnt reciprocate my feelings, and when they showed even the slightest of interest it was because they were horny. I felt like I would never find anyone ever.

I was scared, after developing feeling on this boy. I told my freind the same stories I've shared here. How I was terrified of being rejected. Becuase I'd gotten to know this boy and felt more for him than what freinds normally would. My best friend was so supportive, he stood by me when I would get anxious and when I would tell him my fears and doubts.

It took me 3 weeks to gett the courage to tell this boy that I liked him. The day I told him my nerves were shot, my palms were slick, but I did it. I confessed to this boy that I liked him. Funny enough, it was through a meme. It said that "I might have a big fat crush on you but I'm scared to say anything" my nerves were on fire my body was numb. It might sound like an exaggeration but this was how I was feeling. I was texting all three of my supportive freinds at once. My best freind was the first to know, he was with me through the entire time I talked to my crush. My crush had asked why I was scared to tell him, and I'd told him that I didn't want to make him uncomfortable becusse we'd grown close in the time we were talking. He reassured me that I couldnt make him uncomfortable. I'd asked how he felt about me. At this point my heart was in my throat. I watched the icon that showed he was typing and I was ready, I was ready for him to reject me, like all the boys had done before.

But he told me he felt the same. He didnt reject me. He was worried becuase we live so far apart from each other, and we werent sure how long distance would do for us, and how Covid19 would take into play. But I'd said I was up to try if he was, and he was too.

That was two months ago as of writing this. But if it wasnt for my best friend being so supportive of me, I dont think I could ever have told my boyfriend that I liked him. Even now, the concept is foreign to me. My trauma is still apparent becuase I cannot fathom how someone as amazing as him likes me back, after years of getting rejected and my mental health being damaged by the countless teasing. The first time he called me beautiful, I broke down and cried, because it felt too good to be true.

I'm sharing this, I'm sharing my experiences becuase i wanted to help people know how they could help a friend who might share similar experiences with me, get through the fear of rejection. Telling someone their worst case scenario doesnt help ease their worries. But offering your support, and reassuring them that it would be okay and that you will be there for them will.

Rejection is a part of life, and its something you cannot really control. But if the right words can help you get over your fear of it, then it does help ease the pain.

I'm not saying that all my past friends who told me rejection was my worst case scenario were trying to be malicious, they just wanted me to be happy and were excited for me. I understand that.

And if you ever were that friend who said that, it doesnt make you a bad friend. You were trying to help in your own way. But this may help for future interactions, or at least I hope it will.

You dont always know the experiences that your freinds go through, but being there and supporting them through their fears will help them, and give then confidence.

My best freind has supported me through so much, and it was him who helped me overcome one of my biggest fears.

I hope you found this extremely long PSA to be helpful and I hope I explained myself the best I could. If something is unclear to you please tell me I want to help everyone I can, because I beleive you all deserve to be happy.

And no of course you dont need a partner to be happy. You can be strong and independent in your own way and find your happiness there.

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