.

thank god i don't have irls that are deep into ffxiv bcs . if they saw the mental breakdown i'm having thanks to that story hdjdkfdk :')

pick a pile: "I love you because..."

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read a love confession for you. it could be a friend, a colleague, someone you help/ed, a family member, your guides or ancestors, your higher self or your present/future partner/spouse. meditate to put yourself in a receiving mode and go check your one, dear soul. enjoy your Valentine's day: whether you feel lonely or not, whether you are in a relationship or not, know that you are deeply loved.

if you rather get a message from your present/future partner/spouse, check my instagram @/psychelis.new

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3 4

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pile 1

I love you of a quiet pure respectful love, because you're strong and brave and you taught me that struggles can be overcome and new goals can always be reached. You taught me a lot also about love and friendship: maybe you don't know, but I have been going through a very tough situation and finding you/having you near, listening to you, helped me so much. You were (and are) like a dream come true to me. You made me stronger, inspired me and helped me move on with a lot of confidence and hopefulness more, and I'll always be thankful to you for this. I am not sure you know about this, about my feelings, I always look at you from a distance and freeze in awe in front of your kindness and beautiful smile. I would like to approach you and thank you personally but I am not sure you would accept it from me. I am still afraid to be abandoned or to disappoint you but I am sure one day I will be able to change this also thanks to you. One day I will be bold enough and thank you properly. I am working to get ready for that day and have no more fear.

[more symbols/signs: fairytales, children, The Little Prince (the dialogue with the fox in particular), fox, star, comets; could be friend, sb in your same school/job place crushing on you, ex, -online- admirer, childhood friend/crush; I'm getting lot of school-related/young energy, could even be a student if you're a teacher or sth; it seems someone who isn't used to kindness and gentleness/support and bc of this you made them addicted to this side of yours]

song: fetish | selena gomez, gucci mane

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pile 2

I love you because you guide me and give me peace. Your voice is like a tender sound calming my nerves, your words are warm and embracing me anytime I need love. You came up unexpectedly and brought the wind of change with you, a warm tender soft one that caresses me and plays with my hair making me smile of a peaceful smile. Something I could hardly experience before. I love you because you help me feel better and change/grow for the better. You've helped me cleansing from my toxic past and you made me see things from a different perspective. Like in a snap of fingers, everything went from chaos to calm, in my mind and in my heart. You always know what to say to bring me back on my feet, to balance me, and you guide me in every move I take. I am thankful for having you by my side, my true anchor and gentle loving sister soul. Never cease to speak to me, I love listening to your ideas and words, you always sing the most beautiful song in my ears, just for me to listen to.

[more symbols/signs: water, emotions, rain/rainy day, wind, sound, dreamcatcher, weather vane, bells, air signs; possible strong mental/5d connection; could be a soulmate (romantic or platonic), also a colleague or family member/ancestor or your partner's higher self]

song: every breath you take | denmark + winter

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pile 3

I love you because amidst all of the chaos, there you were and still are. I love you cause you always wear a smile and try to keep your joy with you, and share it around. I love you cause of your sweet tender habit to dance and turn around everytime you're happy. I love you for all the beauty you bring with you, even if you cannot see it. I love your regal side and your cute side. I love all the different people you are, especially your curios self, never ceasing to learn more of what's around you (please keep yourself safe). I love how you can lose yourself daydreaming about love and what's next for you, but also how you are so easy to distract... Maybe you should focus more, yes, but who cares? I like to distract you too cause when you notice you always get so pouty and offended with me and that's so very cute. Please try to let go of the past, trust yourself. I know you hurt still, but better things will come and you know it too. Don't let the anxiety/worries take over you, stay confident and trust that all will be great. I will also help you make it so.

[more signs/symbols: crowds, -long time- friend/s, studying together, raincoat, jeans, flirting; feels a classmate or friend -maybe a group of friends-, possibly someone crushing on you; young energy but especially from you here so the person/people could be "older" for some of you]

song: golden hour | jvke

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pile 4

I love you because that's what I was born for. I love you cause that's my duty, to care for you and protect you. But I also love you because you resemble me: you're determined, confident and you work for your dreams. You don't let anything or anyone bring you down and even if you don't feel this way now, I know you have it inside of you. You just need to believe again in all that you really are, you just need to remember who you really are. Let me in, let me help you remember it all. Let me help you give you your power back. We can have it all again, together. Don't let the demons you have learned to live with, govern you: you're the one in charge of putting them back to their place. You're the one able to give yourself all that you want, love included. Take care of you, give yourself breaks and get ready: a lot is in store for us. I'm sorry you have/had to wait so much. Please forgive me.

[more symbols/signs: vinyl, music, nostalgia, dancing, gala, Europe, dresses, castle, deep heart connection; possible past life connection (around 1700-1800 centuries; kingdoms); power couple; possible ex/situationship that now is on hold or future partner/spouse, guides/ancestors/departed pet or higher self; in all honesty the first message I got is the last line I wrote. Much more than the reasons they love you for, they wanted you to know how much they long for you now]

song: in the name of love | bebe rexha, martin garrix

i still really hate ppl saying vivec is a liar or a historical revisionist bc the 36 sermons aren't 100% factual historical accounts. its extremely obvious they are not supposed to be. they are not called "the life of the god vivec" they are SERMONS. they are meant to teach religious and moral lessons, not give you an accurate, objectively correct, factual account of real historical events. his parents are not named. he was an 'egg' in the womb and then when he was 'born' he was a fully grown being. its cloaked in poetic language because what you are supposed to take from them is not a historical lesson but a religious or spiritual one.

like. lets say you wanna communicate how a traumatic event has impacted you. and that you have only two options to do so: one that is as factually accurate as you can make it with a limited perspective told unbiasedly, or a creative project like a poem or novel that is designed to evoke an emotional reaction in the reader. the first one will give an accurate account of the event but not how it impacted you. by nature of how its being told you are giving only the cold hard facts because your emotional state might involve leaving out important factual details to get an accurate view of what happened. the other one is not telling someone exactly what happened to you, but is communicating something that might be much more important: how it impacting you emotionally, mentally, and physically by making your audience relate to, sympathize with, or even empathize with those feelings. it is also not a 100% factual historical account and cannot be used to paint an accurate picture of the events that effected you, though someone could infer many details.

the 36 sermons are about trauma and achieving divinity and what that divinity even means. vivec is a person who was deeply traumatized. abusive family, ran away, ended up joining a gang selling both his body and hard drugs. he was then picked up off the streets by nerevar (a mer significantly older than him), and learned a lot from him, before likely killing him in at least one timeline, breaking his oath to not use the tools in all others. those are the details about vivec's life we can infer from the sermons or from other lore texts or in game dialogue. there are reasons why he made nerevar HIS student in the sermons and why he never names his parents (at least in the in game ones) and why he describes seht and ayem as both his siblings and parents simultaneously. but if you go "this isn't factually correct, vivec is a liar" you are straight up not going to understand the sermons or vivec or take away any important lessons from them.

I wrote a giant Raven Cycle analysis

Hi! Over the last year or so I've been working on a sort of essay about various themes in the raven cycle series, and I finally finished it a few weeks ago.

It is titled: "Why I love The Raven Cycle - An excessive analysis of the themes of friendship, queerness and growing up".

And since tumblr loves its meta (and bc I love peer validation) I've decided to start uploading it bit by bit here, making this the masterpost (if I can figure out the logistics of the linking lmao, bear with me)

(beware of spoilers up to greywaren starting at like 3b!)

Introduction

What even is the Raven Cycle?

Trust me, the characters are queer as fuck and I can prove it a) Blue Sargent b) Gansey c) Adam Parrish d) Ronan Lynch e) Noah f) Henry Cheng g) Honorary mentions

The Gangsey is a polycule

Analyzing the reoccurring themes a) Friendship b) Being a teen/growing up c) (Found) Family d) Magic (as a metaphor) e) Further themes I appreciate

Drawing a conclusion

Click here to start with the introductory parts!

1. Introduction

So here’s the thing: I love fiction almost as much as I love my friends. There’s something deeply comforting about the escapism, even if the book actually makes me want to scream and throw it on the floor (only one book has been thrown so far, I promise!).  Fiction is a healthy thing to occupy my thoughts with: headcanons! Quotes being on loop in my brain! Just fandoms!

And for me, if I am hooked on a book (series), it does not even need a good plot where a lot of things happen. In fact, I would say that my enjoyment of a book is made up of 30% plot and about 70% characters and vibes. If the characters are bland, if they do not make me feel much emotion, it likely won’t be more than 4 stars (additional info: I am way too nice rating books!). I really, really need to love the characters, to be able to relate to some aspects of them, or it just won’t become an obsession.

Since I have already started explaining that a bit, let’s look at this question: What is important to make a book special to me? 1. I need to cry reading it. 2. I have to think about it often, even weeks to months after having read it. 3. Obviously, I need to love the characters. 4. I need to be in the fandom! This can be hard with some books, but the internet is a whimsical space allowing you to find at least a small number of people who are obsessed with a work of fiction to a similar extent as you are.

Now, why am I elaborating on this so much? It’s because The Raven Cycle did all that for me. It is my favorite comfort book series at the moment, for all those aspects mentioned, but of course I cannot just leave it at that. No, I wrote a whole-ass analysis on headcanons and some of its themes. You’re welcome.

2. What even is The Raven Cycle?

The Raven Cycle is all I adore and live for (next to my friends). So, naturally, it’s a book series, specifically a four book young adult contemporary fantasy series by American author Maggie Stiefvater. The books in question are: The Raven Boys (2012), The Dream Thieves (2013), Blue Lily, Lily Blue (2014) and The Raven King (2016), and yes I will admit that the publishing dates are a bit of a red flag. There is also the very relevant follow-up series called The Dreamer Trilogy (Call Down The Hawk, Mister Impossible, Greywaren), but it’s a lot less easy to get into that here as I do not know these entire books by heart, so I’ll stick to the original tetralogy here.

To stick to red flags, the books are set in the fictional Henrietta, a rural town in non-fictional Virginia, US, in the 2010s. However, that doesn’t really say *that* much about the plot, so let me summarize that really quick, because I can do better than the official synopsis! (Or let’s pretend I can.)

Blue Sargent comes from a family of psychics, yet she does not have any powers of her own. Even worse, she is a bit of an amplifier for the others, meaning she is always somehow but never directly involved in the business. As if that isn’t enough for an identity crisis, every psychic she has ever met has told her that her kiss would kill her true love. Yikes.

But because she is that amplifier, she comes to a church watch on St. Mark’s Eve, where psychics see the spirits of those to die within the following year. It’s important business, but to her it’s really just staring into the dark. Until she does actually see a spirit: That of Gansey. Of course this is not a coincidence. No, to add to this teen’s mount of problems, there are only two reasons why a non-seer would see someone’s spirit: They are their true love, or they killed them. Or, in Blue’s case, maybe both.

The aforementioned Gansey is Henrietta’s Golden Boy, the son of politicians (read: he’s fucking loaded). He does not run with the Republicans though, he runs with dead Welsh kings, meaning he has been searching for the probably dead, presumably sleeping Welsh king Glendower (*1350; †1416; yikes) for the past like seven years. Why the fuck would he do that? Well, legend says that he will grant a wish to whoever wakes him, and our favorite PTSD-ridden guy really wants that favor.

Aiding him are fellow Aglionby students Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch and Noah Czerny, plus Henry Cheng, though only a lot later in the series, but I really did not want to leave out that menace (affectionately) here. The paths of Blue and the boys cross because of Gansey’s search for Glendower, plus the fact that Blue works at a popular pizza place, but that’s a lot less whimsical. And, well, there’s the implication that Gansey might also be her true love, but perhaps she just kills him because of his bad fashion sense, it would be justified. Anyway, in true Famous Five fashion (Ronan is the dog; I won’t elaborate, the girls that get it, get it) they are of course not the only ones searching for the king, so it’s not completely a wholesome friend bonding activity all the way through.

Be prepared for: friendship and growing up, lots of treasure hunting, family mysteries, magical forests, illegal and slightly distasteful activities (our favorite of course), but most of all, heavily queer-coded (or even canonically queer) characters. Be Gay, Do Crime.

I think this shitshow with Toshiro stems from the trend of people INSISTING that interpersonal conflict must be a moral failing. Like I think there's something to be said about how people afford so much less patience to people who are autistic in the "wrong" ways, but also Laios and Toshiro just clash on a fundamental level that has nothing to do with that. Hell, you could read Toshiro as autistic as well. People related to Laios' side of the argument but instead of getting any nuance out of it they started projecting their experiences with ableist people onto Toshiro.

AGREE AGREE AGREE. i think that Fandom Brain gets people very used to thinking of conflicts in terms of "who is the bad guy and who is the good guy", so when they encounter a more nuanced conflict they don't really know what to do. i don't think toshiro is a bad person at all, in his conflict with laios he's just exhausted and starving and has been pushed to the limit and from his perspective, laios doesn't even seem that emotionally affected by the situation. i don't think what he said was right and it was pretty cruel, but i don't think he's a villain or deserves to be permanently hated as a character just bc he fucked up this time lol

also yeah you could definitely read him as autistic, and i think that highlights an issue in the autistic community in general bc like....... a lot of autistic people have conflicting needs which can lead to conflict between them/make them unable to stand being around each other. and it's not because either of them are neurotypical or bad people, they're just incompatible. like autistic people who loudly stim vocally and autistic people who meltdown when they have to be around loud noises, for example. it doesn't mean either of them is bad or not autistic, just that they have conflicting needs

i 100% agree with the last part too. i disliked toshiro at first myself bc i had been (and still do ngl) projecting onto laios hard and the conflict they had reminded me of times when people have been mean or angry at me irl for social blunders i've made unintentionally, or when someone i thought liked me/was my friend turned out to actually hate me. it's a common experience for autistic people and that scene resonates with that! but i think it also helps to take a step back from projecting our own traumatic experiences onto the scene and just look at it objectively. laios isn't perfect either and he's the one who actually starts the physical fight by slapping toshiro (i feel like i don't see many people mention this lol). i feel super bad for him in that scene but he's not a perfect victim and has done things wrong himself too

as an autistic person i've also been in situations where i can relate to toshiro too lol, like where someone is overly physically and emotionally familiar with me when we don't know each other well and i've wanted them to back off but haven't been sure how to say it without hurting their feelings. this kind of conflict is far from just being a "neurotypical vs neurodivergent" thing as a lot of people portray it in the fandom

idk i just wish people would think a little more deeply about the scene and put their own emotions and experiences aside to instead consider the conflict with the added context of the individual characters and their respective cultures + the situation they're in. people don't have to like toshiro but i wish they wouldn't paint him as a villain or make up awful shit about him just to justify their feelings when he isn't even that bad of a dude in canon yknow 😑. also we literally see him at rock bottom struggling and freaking out and i think that's important to remember. in a different context i doubt he would have ever said those things to laios

so one thing i really liked about the episode is that scene where Hunter starts crying in the basement of the shack after Luz tells him he’s family and she wants to keep him safe

it just... it means a lot. it really resonated. i think it was beautifully done and am specifically deeply enamored of some of the less ‘traditional’ comfort scene aspects of it.

(under a cut bc it got long)

Hunter is a person for whom it’s never been safe to have or openly express emotions like that. vulnerability has always been dangerous. the Emperor’s Coven was a nest of vipers, his uncle was a manipulative emotionally abusive monster, and he’s always been viewed as a spoiled child who was handed a position he didn’t earn or deserve and therefore had to work twice as hard to be taken seriously (and no one really took him seriously even then.)

it’s never been safe for Hunter to cry. crying is a weakness. crying is something that someone can use against him. “i was never afraid as the Golden Guard” -> he repressed all of his negative emotions like fear, sadness, uncertainty, unhappiness, etc so tightly that he didn’t even consciously know they were there (meanwhile it is obvious to the viewer that Hunter is both miserable and terrified pretty much 100% of the time) and didn’t have to acknowledge them and could avoid expressing them in order to survive an extremely dangerous, wildly unsafe situation in which his actual life and physical health/wellbeing were at stake

this is a pretty common reaction to a prolonged, inescapable traumatic situation, especially one where any displays of emotion are used against you. you shut down, you numb out, you learn how to turn your feelings off or bury them so deeply that you don’t even know they’re there, just so you can get through it, and often while you’re in the situation you feel like you’re Basically Fine until you’re out of it and can recognize, by contrast, how intensely miserable you were

anyway though the point is that Hunter is someone whose vulnerable emotions are very tightly repressed, and in that moment, he just completely loses control over it. he’s scared, he’s away from his abuser, he’s been slowly learning how to enjoy things and actually like his life instead of just enduring it, and for the first time in his life someone just offered him unconditional acceptance and care

it just really resonates with me! like it’s SO heartwrenching what makes it happen, how unloved and unwanted and unsafe he must have always felt before, but also... i like how quick it is.

how he tries to keep it under control. the way he looks away, how he doesn’t even blink, how he tries not to let her know he’s crying and STARTS crying very quietly until a sob slips out and he can’t help it anymore

how it’s just this quick intense burst of sobbing and then he gets it back under control, because he’s had to learn how to do that, how to quickly put the metaphorical mask back on. very relatable - when you’ve been through the kind of emotional abuse Hunter has, it’s almost involuntary to do that, to just stop yourself from crying as soon as something breaks through the layers of repression to make you actually get to that point where tears come out

Hunter is still very early in his recovery process and when you’ve spent so long so disconnected from your own fear and grief, it’s HARD to let yourself feel them, and you can only handle doing it for very short periods of time before all those subconscious defense mechanisms kick in and make you stop again

and i love the way Luz just... lets him be. Hunter doesn’t like being touched, he doesn’t like being grabbed, he clearly struggles to talk about things that affect him deeply or hurt - for him, it wouldn’t be comforting if Luz tried to hug him or talk to him about it. what she does is give him emotional and physical space, while still being there for him, and she offers him brief and easily rebuffed/escaped contact and lets him be the one to deepen it by leaning in against her - and she doesn’t really look directly at him, either, doesn’t force him to meet her eyes

she acknowledges it and comforts him without forcing some kind of discussion or confrontation on him, she lets him have space while still being present, and when it’s done she moves on without pushing or prodding or questioning him

as someone who would almost rather die than have someone see me cry and who DEFINITELY does not want to talk about it or be touched or really have it acknowledged in any way if i can help it, and who has had people in the past switch very quickly from trying to comfort me to getting mad at me when i told them what they were doing was making it worse, it just really means a lot to me to see that kind of scene?

like what Luz did was so caring and loving and comforting for him, it took his actual needs and desires into account, it means SO much to me to see that, it was such a good scene, UGH

Relating to your post on the subtle angst of being a machine, I hunger for all the possible physical angst elements. Where is the fear of limited or increasingly costly repair parts? Where is the worry of the shrinking pool of mechanical experts (engine troubleshooters)? The simple inescapable awareness that one's moving parts are constantly degrading? Horror relating to corrosive/damaging environments? Complex emotional trauma and strange coping mechanisms in response to the reality of their entire "family" slowly *literally* falling apart?

YES!!! YESS!!! FUCK YES!!! SOMEONE THAT GETS IT!!!!!

going to. put this under the cut bc I have SO MUCH TO SAY.

You get it SO well, so many good points there. All things come to an end, and engines especially can be kept alive for over a hundred years if they are well taken care of, but there's so many who are not as valued or who simply cannot be taken care of as well as their owners want to take care of them. And they can rarely do things about it. It's honestly admirable that some of the Sodor engines have worked so hard to protect and preserve their fellow rolling stock. Oliver is a beloved little engine, but he likely stays up some nights thinking about how if Douglas hadn't happened upon him, he wouldn't even be here right now. He'd have been melted down ages ago. Not to bring up Hiro again but he is literally the first engine that comes to mind when I think of this sort of thing. He went to Sodor so excited to be helpful and useful and was promptly abandoned not long after he'd broke down. He was stuck there for god knows how long and if Thomas hadn't found him, by accident mind you, he would've corroded and died there most likely. And yet he would've rather done that then get scrapped. Almost as if he wanted to pass away on his own terms. Like I mentioned before, we're shown often that most of the kind-hearted engines (specifically on Sodor) will put forth their best effort to keep any machine out of the smelters. Thomas listened to Hiro's story and was likely deeply disturbed that Hiro had been abandoned like that and not a single person dared to look hard enough to find him when he was still on Sodor this whole time. But with his horror, came understanding, because he knows the reality of even some of the most famous locomotives at times can be harsh and even deadly. And Spencer showed no care or concern at all, not only that, but he almost seemed delighted to inform Sir Tophamn Hatt of Hiro's existence purely to ensure that he was scrapped. He knew nothing about Hiro. He doesn't even LIVE on Sodor. And yet he took great pride in the concept of getting the old engine scrapped. As if that does not mean the very end of an engine's life. It's honestly really unsettling to me how quickly Spencer jumped to that conclusion. Not to mention the tearful horror in Hiro's voice when he was yelling out to Thomas whilst trying to get away from Spencer.

Henry was locked in a tunnel for fearing the rain would damage his coat. How often did he beg those workers that would come by to let him out? How many times do you think he cried feeling like he'd failed his entire railway and that he'd never be released again? There was no sympathy shown for him. And no acknowledgement to the terror he very likely felt for the time he was trapped there in that tunnel. He got sick not long afterwards, the anguish he went through in that time period was probably something awful. Most all machines are at the mercy of their employers. They don't have the appendages to escape the situations they get in that some humans might be able to get out of. If you deprive any machine of their fuel they cannot go anywhere. If you refuse to repair them they cannot go anywhere or function properly. There's a reason they pride themselves on being really useful. If you're not really useful, you're either sent away or you're...well...sent somewhere to be scrapped. It's the way the world works with real, non-sentient machines...and it seems like the TTTE universe operates on those same principals despite being a world where 99% of all heavy machinery is alive and can think and speak for themselves. Sometimes it's just progression, sometimes it's business, but at no time is it ethical. They are alive. They have wants and desires and emotions and fears, yet very few of the humans in their world seem capable of understanding that. There's so many scary things that come with being an engine. If you're too slow and you get less done than a new model, you're likely done for unless somebody cares enough about you to take you in and restore you. Sodor seems to work overtime to preserve old rolling stock, I'm sure they would've taken incredible care of Hiro had he not went home to Japan, and it seems like they did miss him there considering that he's still very well taken care of when he comes to visit Sodor after he'd moved back home. But there's so many engines who don't have that luxury. Hiro just as well could've been sent back or left sitting still, of course whoever owns him now clearly cares for him a great deal. The other types of machines aren't as touched on as our beloved engines are, but they surely experience the same kind of stuff. Airplanes may just as easily feel the same anxieties as old steamers do. They get antsy when they can't fly because what is a plane good for if it can't get off the ground? There's just SO many things to talk about. I really do think the fandom should include things like this in angst content more bc there is a lot of the show's own canon that is genuinely unsettling when put into real world perspectives.

Can I just say I relate to Chuck McGill so much? It’s so sad, cause while, yes, he is a shitty brother, as far as morality goes, he’s doing better than most characters in brba/bcs. His primary sin, which he identifies, is being unlikable. Jimmy has a lot of pathos, but the fact is the character of Saul Goodman gained enough popularity to get his own show because he’s funny & charismatic.

We see this too with Lalo, who is popular with fans despite being pretty much just, “a soulless pig.” Gus & Mike are liked for their cool professionalism; Jesse & Nacho are both great, but they both get a lot of mileage out of be young & good looking. Shit, I know you don’t like him, but even Walter has a certain magnetism. He’s an abusive monster, but he’s intense & passionate, which clearly draws a lot of people in.

Chuck doesn’t have any of this. He’s not exiting, cool, or particularly charming in any way. He’s not the sort of character who gets “fans.” I’ve never seen anyone geek out over him the way they do for the rest of these guys. He’s shrill & fussy & demanding; made even worse by his condition. And ultimately, these qualities are what make people dislike him.

It doesn’t matter how desperately Chuck tries to be good (though I think his moral framework is very flawed) because people will never love him the way they love Jimmy. And that resentment destroys their relationship, the only true love & dedication he had in his life, but I can still deeply emphasize with that resentment.

Accepting that it doesn’t matter how good you try to be, cause that’s not what people care about, is so painful. & then accepting that you just don’t have it. That you’re not the sort of person who makes friends easily. That you’re not easy to love. That people will prefer actual monsters over you. It’s so heartbreaking, & it’s definitely made infinitely worse by mental illness. Poor Chuck man. :(

anyway srry this so long, u don’t have to respond to it, i just was struck by chuck. also, i know this was a shallow read of those other characters, i was just trying to make point lol

Sorry to get back to you so late when you put your whole pussy into this ask but bc of that I knew I would have to wholeass my pussying as well and I just haven’t had the time as of late 😭🐈 but fr as someone diagnosed w BPD I always saw too much of myself in Chuck to fully hate him, but also, that’s kind of why I hated him, bc seeing your worst attributes laid on screen and read for filth doesn’t exactly make for an objective viewing experience. What a lot of neurotypicals don’t get ab Chuck’s character is that he doesn’t resent Jimmy in spite of Jimmy tending to him so diligently, but because of it, at least partially. Chuck does not feel that he deserves to be loved and cared for, he doesn’t feel like his emotions and his love are worth anything because his parents loved Jimmy best and Rebecca (he thinks) loved Jimmy best and everyone loves Jimmy best bc of Jimmy’s personality, whereas Chuck has only ever been lauded for his intellect. So it feels unsafe for him to be so dependent on another person’s genuine love, he feels unsafe being cared for, because Chuck feels incredibly threatened by any sort of change or anything that doesn’t align w the world as he’s come to perceive it, hence his “allergy” to electricity, an allegorical stand-in for modernity and progress. And so being cared for w/out that sense of worth that he hinged entirely on his career makes Chuck feel not just impotent, but like he owes Jimmy. Chuck feels as though he and Jimmy are now on unequal footing, bc while Jimmy still has his charisma, his “value”, Chuck no longer has a distinguished law career. And Chuck can’t owe Jimmy anything because he has to feel superior to Jimmy in some respect or he’s worthless, because no matter what Jimmy does he will always be loved, he will always have worth, as Chuck sees it, and Chuck derives all of his self-worth from his law career and his sense of moral superiority. Chuck knows he’s “different”, but his proficiency as a lawyer let him believe that maybe “different” is for the best, maybe other people are the ones doing something wrong, maybe he isn’t missing anything that other people have but has something that other people don’t. And it’s not Jimmy’s fault that other people like him better, that their parents loved him more, that Chuck associates his brother with that feeling of worthlessness, but if Chuck can vilify his brother, then he can justify that ugly, misplaced hatred he feels toward the person he owes the most to. And the idea of Jimmy becoming a lawyer, of taking the one thing Chuck had going for him, is unbearable, intolerable. Obviously I’m not a psychologist, I can’t do an official diagnosis of a tv show character, but it is pretty common conjecture within the fanbase that Chuck is somewhere on the autism spectrum. He’s averse to change, he experiences sensory overload, he struggles with social cues, he has niche interests that he is knowledgeable about to a very precise degree, and he has a very, very strong sense of justice. It’s not fair that Jimmy gets to become a lawyer when that was the only thing Chuck had going for him, it’s not fair that everyone loves Jimmy and not Chuck when Jimmy is a conman who stole from their sweet father and Chuck tries so, so hard to be good, to adhere to society’s moral standards as strictly and literally as possible. It’s not fair.

Loved your 13th Doctor headcanons! Do you have any for the Master as well? (Loving Campervan p6 btw 💛)

Aaah thank you! And ooh hm I'm walking to work so just quickly:

Talking about dhawan master specifically, @taardisblue has infected me with the headcanon that because the Master regenerated close to a black hole (hello, time dilation) AND only came into being because simm master killed missy, which is a mess in and of itself but also we know that when timelords cross their own timelines it messes with their heads a bit afterwards simply to preserve the timeline's integrity. So then - the Master regenerates in the temporal and spatial proximity of BOTH of these things....and it completely messes with his timesense. I feel like it's both extremely sensitive (possibly even painful) but also extremely difficult for him to interpret in a coherent way, and like...man, what is his perception of time even like, then? I don't know, I need to write a fic going into it more deeply (I actually have an idea for a timeloop oneshot where the Master can tell that they're stuck in a loop waaaaaay before the Doctor, but because his timesense is a mess and way more sensitive then it starts to genuinely hurt him and he steadily gets more incoherent as it goes on. Meanwhile the Doctor clocks it a few loops later because it smells like quarantined time and the temporal loops they used to weaponise in the Time War, and once she realises and starts to mess with the timeline within like, the two minute loop they're stuck in, she starts to get temporal nitrogen narcosis SKKSKS). Anyway, I also infected @taardisblue with a certain Stargate: Universe fic in return where a character has issues with time perception, and now we both say things like "the Master has trouble with temporal sequencing" in relation to this headcanon skskks so that's fun

And then - I've definitely done this in one of my fics before (notches in your spine, if you want to know which one) but I think that when Tecteun encoded the Doctor's division memories into the matrix and corrupted the files, she would have absolutely put a failsafe on what was left of those memories just in case the Doctor went digging. The failsafe consists of psychic barbs that only go one way, so it means that if you force your way INTO the files, then you just slip past them, but when you try and get OUT again, you're moving against the barbs and it rips your mind apart. And so then my hc is that this is exactly what happened to the Master, and it SHOULD have completely destroyed his mind probably, but 1) he's so used to his mind being something to fight against/pain to fight THROUGH, that he managed to pull himself back together but also 2) he was SO ANGRY about what he'd discovered, and he used that anger to pull himself through the other side of it all. Which is in part why he is drowning in his fury so much this go around - it was the only thing that got him through, and he literally used it to stitch his mind back together

AND THEN finally bc I'm almost at work - because Twelve and Missy, dhawan master actually learnt to feel a lot of empathy, and so that plus his extremely volatile and overwhelming feelings of his own, he feels a LOT of emotion as a rule, and does not know how to deal with it. Hence: literally everything he does in the show.

I've probably explained everything terribly (see: walking) but hope that it makes at least a vague semblance of sense!!!

Phoenix's Family

I've stated before how I think it's interesting that in games with so many prevalent themes of family, Phoenix has no mention of having one, other than those who have adopted that kind of role like the Feys and Trucy. No whispers of parents or siblings when he got framed for murder or during any of his numerous trips to the hospital, not when he got disbarred or spent seven years likely in poverty.

Now, what could this mean? In my mind, either he's an orphan, which is a valid interpretation, or something happened that estranged him from them, likely before he got into college. Whatever it was, it was enough to traumatize him enough to never talk about them again.

much more rambling below, I will be merciful today and not make this a monstrous post that you have to scroll all the way through

We know how he reacts to trauma, especially ones that relate to his relationships. His whole deal is pushing down his memories and feelings until he almost forgets about them, or until they return to remind him of their existence. He refuses to talk about the things that hurt him and buries them so deeply that it's extremely hard to dig them back up.

We see this with Dahlia, the only person who would've known about her would've been Mia. And we see this with Mia herself, Phoenix walked in on her violently murdered body and he immediately represses his feelings to get her sister out of jail. When Edgeworth left his note and disappeared off of the face of the earth he refused to talk about him and attempted to do the same thing with him as he did with Dahlia.

So, who is to say that the only time this strategy of ignoring until it goes away and it doesn't bite him in the ass is how he dealt with his family? He never mentions them, he never thinks about them, and subconsciously he's always looking for people to help fill the void they left behind. Maybe he had a little sister which is why he seems to thrive when he has a silly girl sidekick.

To me, it would make sense if he was estranged from his family before or during college, as that could help explain why he's so desperate for someone to love him and extremely vulnerable to being manipulated. He focuses all his emotional energy on Dahlia and reuniting with Edgeworth because his own life is already incredibly destabilized and he's scrambling for some sense of control.

As for why his family estranged him, I don't actually have much of an idea, maybe they're homophobic and noticed that he's been sending letters to a boy over the course of years and that's just not very straight of him. There are all kinds of family issues that could cause such an overdramatic reaction though.

It seems more plausible with what we know about Phoenix that whatever happened with his family that it's bad enough that he goes no contact with them, rather than them getting killed off or giving him up for adoption bc you know he would do everything to find them if he wanted to. He lost his best friend from fourth grade and became a lawyer just to see him again, he definitely could be determined enough to find his birth parents if he wanted to. If they were dead, he's besties with multiple spirit mediums, he could say hi if he felt like it.

Anyway, that's all of my rambling for now and I could definitely have gotten things wrong, I am relatively new to AA and I really wouldn't consider myself an expert on the Lore lmao. In any case, I would love to hear other headcanons about his family, I think it's fun to think about lol. Maybe you have ideas about why Phoenix could've been estranged? idk I would love to talk about it, my asks are always open.

Hey friend, I am absolutely rotating the HECK out of Hunger AU rn. I just binged all of the tagged posts and I'm going FERAL! Watchers being like parasitic wasps? Listeners being like fungi? Absolutely based takes.

I'm very much a fan of the emotional realism going on and I'm so terrified of Angry!Mumbo. Like. Bro doesn't get all that angry that often those folks are the scariest properly pissed.

And I relate far too much to the Search Party tbh. Something about the themes of mental and physical illness, wanting to help but not knowing how, the one you want to help not wanting help at this point, the resentment that causes on both sides of that stalemate... yeah I've been there.

Also, I am insanely curious about the ecological niche that Watchers and Listeners fulfill. Like. There has to be a reason they are the way they are. I'm insanely curious about what the environment they evolved in looked like, and even more curious as to what they provide back to the universe in return.

Like. Irl most wasps are predatory insects, controlling the population of pests and invasive species, but the tidbits you've given us about how they feed on emotions and the groups they feed on put me more in mind of, like, herding dogs. Yknow? Does that make sense? Gathering players together and moving them away from half abandoned worlds to let them dissolve back into the greater code. Maybe interviening in virus-infected worlds or virus-vulrable worlds, encouraging those players to move or perish.

And Listeners, well, fungi occupy so many diverse niches they could do just about anything, really. It's very fun to think about and I am rotating them vigorously, thank you for feeding us so well <3

(May I be 🐸 anon?)

This is such a sweet ask i am so 🥺🥺🥺🥺 abt it, im really pleased that you're enjoying the emotional realism ive committed to for this fic, because thats just such an important aspect for me-- my goal here is to depict a deeply emotional, moving, and messy situation about illness and recovery where no one's feelings are punished or demonized by the narrative. Its just so, so important to me that the Search Party (and later on, the other hermits) get their emotions properly respected and explored. Its not just about Grian, even if he is the ultimate focus-- everyone else deserves varied, emotional responses to an ugly and terrifying situation where theres hurt on all sides. This is the kind of realism i love putting in all of my writing, and the kind of justice i want to do for all characters in stories like these!!

Its a little funny how this au originally started with me brainrotting absently about Watcher biology because i wanted to explore the idea of Grian pretending to be an avian and finding certain aspects of it deeply uncomfortable. And then it just. Snowballed into this!! And now i am chewing on worldbuilding for breakfast DKXNSJDJ im really glad you enjoy the Watchers and Listeners lore!!! I need to make a proper post on Devs (or dev crystals, as theyre actually called), as well as general code structure, bc they are both so fucking cool as well

I absolutely love your herding dog analogy, and its giving me some great ideas because for the longest time i couldnt quite figure out what exactly a Watcher's ecological niche was beyond predator to Players and prey for something else that's extinct. But now im really looking at the connection between Watchers feeding habits and Players' biological need for play (or dreams, if you want to get into the minecraft end poem of it all), and theres something there that i really wanna take some time to tease out before i give a concrete answer. I need to update my hunger au masterlist LOL i am saur behind 😭

Anyway this was such a lovely ask to sink my teeth into!!!! Thank you so much for sending it, and ofc you can be frog anon!!! This was a really stimulating conversation for me so thank you again for getting my brain whirring :D i hope to see you in the inbox again!!

what kind of music do you think the ultrakill guys like? the v1 music post still got me Thinking

god i love talking music headcanons for these characters bc i honestly think they are all very musically based in some capacity!!

for gabriel, it's obvious being an angel - like i mentioned before, i like to think that gabriel speaks only in the holy tongue, and it sounds incredibly musical when spoken even if it's not necessarily singing. outside of that, he does regularly sing, to himself, to others, for praise, for comfort, almost anything really because that's more his natural state than talking. for what kind of music he likes though, i think initially it's VERY predictable, in that he enjoys orchestral or choir pieces...but that's not entirely true to his preferences. he likes intricate pieces and he likes the moody and metaphorical...alternatively, shit that goes hard musically and emotionally. he wants music that elicits a visceral response, something that connects to him and that he feels himself in because music is something so central to him that he wants it important!! this includes both lyrical and instrumental pieces, as he can relate to and be moved just as much by either.

v1 is also deeply into music, but it relates to it in a very different manner - similar to gabriel, it often sings to itself although it's much more erratic in its choices and it really enjoys composing its own pieces. like a lot of people, i love the idea that v1 is the in-universe composer for the music we hear and so it's definitely into pieces that a brutal, sharp, and fast-paced but...i also genuinely just really like the idea that it creates a LOT of different electronic-based songs or even soundscapes. it mashes up things it's heard before, it remixes all sorts of songs (both its own and ones it saves), and creates in several different genres. so v1 actually doesn't have much a preference for what style of music it listens to, but it tends to gravitate toward synthesized sounds and sampling. also obligatory gabv1el posting BUT v1 likes making up music while gabriel makes up lyrics for it/accompanies it on the organ. it's cute!!!!

v2 is like v1 in that it likes a wide range of styles, but it's not so all over the place with more consistency in its library - it tends to be drawn toward things that are pleasing to humans (v1 can be rather cacophonous with its compositions at times, and they sound awful to v2 lol) and most of all i actually think it enjoys classical music or soundtracks. lyrics are fine and everything, but v2 doesn't relate to those emotions the way humans do and doesn't experience those things necessarily, so it prefers to make its own narratives to instrumental pieces. like it can listen to and enjoy songs with lyrics well enough, but its preference lies in the instruments themselves, to pieces it can more easily apply its own interpretations to. besides, words can sometimes feel distracting to it when it already has so much going on in its own mind, so it also enjoys a little bit of breathing room that way.

how similar are you (the writer) and leo? and how different are you from each other?

@nosestealer || thank you so much for this!

. . . well. how much time do you have? c:

no but really it means something that Leo is my longest-standing current muse on tumblr and is one of those characters i feel i can write in the snap of a finger even if i'm not fully feeling him, y'know? Like, even if I'm not "in the mood" to write him, I can still usually manage to write him ??? He's my "easiest" muse, simply put!

and he's that way because i relate to him so deeply

i could write a novel on this, so i'm limiting myself to one similarity and one difference to spare everyone my babbling at least somewhat (♡´౪`♡)

similarity: making jokes out of our pain (and please, please please please this is not meant to be self-pitying; just honest). me and leo are 🤝 with self-deprecating jokes or just making our problems seem smaller than they actually are. y'know, taking some massive grievance and basically being like lol that's life for you !! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ humor as a coping technique x10000000. and tbh, a lot of people do this! i think that's why leo in general is a fairly relatable character

difference: as equally as i'm not begging for pity, i'm also not tooting my own horn here, but emotional competence ??? i made a post awhile back about how much it PAINS me to write leo being so wrapped up in his own head that he comes off rude or uncaring toward people who need support— yeah, it pains me bc i try to be very empathetic and understanding to everyone around me that writing a character who is, uh . . . more "selfish" in that sense is actually so grating at times. i love nothing more than being there for my friends and being as supportive as possible, and while i do think leo feels similarly (that idea of wanting to be "useful": another similarity), he struggles a LOT more with expressing it and tends to get really stuck in his thoughts (but he's a teenager. i'm 2x his age, now, so good GOD i hope i have more emotional competence than him lORDY)

anyway yes !!!

of all my muses, i relate to leo the most. (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ in, uh . . . plenty of ways that are both good and bad, but i like to hope i recognize my faults and attempt to better myself every day. thanks so much again for sending this!

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ♡

(–couthbbg <3)

woag hi 👋!!! this one is gonna be long bc 1) chatterbox 2) its so so important to talk abt the good things. so i will be doing so at length

i really enjoy getting into things that have like. a lot going on? i like when there's a lot to learn and it takes a while to piece it all together. hockey is like this (shit ton of teams, players, rules, surrounding culture, history, stats, etc!!) as is, say, star wars. batman was like this when i first got into it too!!

bugs!!!!!!!!!!! bugs. i love bugs. i just wrote a poem yesterday about mosquitoes. i wrote a giant paper on cicadas my freshman year and it altered my whole brain i think. deep emotional ties to fireflies. big feelings about little guys

poems and music... grouped together but i adore poetry. i love poetry so much. i love to write poetry i love to read it i love to interpret it i love to gather and compare it i love to criticize it. wrote an essay last semester on in a station at the metro by ezra pound bc my prof said she didn't think anyone would (seeing as its. a 14 word poem). i could and would talk about poetry forever. life's passion

my loved ones.... like i mean obviously but its worth saying. having experienced not having support, not having friends or family, it really makes you appreciate just how important those connections are, which isn't even taking into consideration how my people are the best people objectively (deeply subjectively). muah i love y'all

the sunset!!!!!!!!!!!! mentioned something related to this to cara recently but seeing the sunset to me is this convenient reminder that the world and life can and is. so beautiful. and you don't have to do anything special for the beauty to find you bc its literally right above you. no matter where you are if you are alive to experience it the beauty will find you!!!!!!!!!

Hi. Can i get my compatibility with skz members be read? Sent u the natal chart through dm. Thank uu 🤍🤍

Here is your reading baby! <3

Ascendant in Aquarius:

Ascendant in Aquarius people always crack me up. Y’all always have some off-the-wall thing to say or do lol. You may have some weird phrase/sound/hand movement that you do that’s pretty unique too. Idk, that just makes me think of Aquarius rising. People who are Aquarius rising usually also present as a “march to the beat of their own drum” kind of people. You are likely seen as independent, not relying on others for anything. People probably see you as intelligent quite often, but not needing the mental stimulation of others. ALSO I’ve found that Aquarius risings CAN be more reserved on first meeting people. You may OR may not be the type to approach others first, but I do think once meeting people, they leave feeling that you are fun and unique.

I think this is a good match with Chan! Aquarius bringing in that airy cerebral energy can be very mentally stimulating to talk to when first meeting! That Aquarian placement also means you have lots of fun things to talk about and/or lots of unique ideas and opinions. I really think Chan would like being able to talk freely with you and have you both pick each other’s brains. I think he’s feel very comfortable with you after first meeting.

Sun in Sag in 11th house:

This is a cool placement! Especially with Chan. Sun in Sag in the 11th house tells me that once you become friends with people, you are very veryyyyy supportive of them as individuals. You probably have a very wide array of friends- whether it be a lot of them OR you have a wide range of TYPES of friends (basically you can get along with everyone lol). This being coupled with your Ascendant tells me that you are great at meeting and talking to people from all cultures, races, religions, and backgrounds. They probably appreciate your openness and curiosity too.

This is a realllllllly good placement with Chan. ESPECIALLY with your 11th house placement (social relations, groups, etc), it’s likely that you’d be able to become friends with a lotttt of his friends and he would totally dig that. I see it in a way of like: Chan has a lottttt of friends, right. So I see him having a lot of different friend groups. And you’d also become incorporated into all of them. And just overall, y’all would be the super fun couple. AND since Sag rules freedom, you’d probably also be very supportive of Chan to go do things with friends and make the most out of his free time (but idk if that’s the end of it bc both of y’alls Venus in Scorp is lowkey scary lol… So maybe it’s one of those things were you both value your freedom and each give it to each other but lowkeyyyyy, y’all aren’t gonna be happy if it happens too much lol)

Moon in Cancer in 6th house:

Your moon in Cancer tells me that you feel emotions VERY DEEPLY. And you feel them A LOT. More than any of the other signs. In fact, the Moon is the ruler of Cancer, so emotional well-being is going to be very prominent in your life. Cancers are very much people-people as well, so it’s pretty likely that you can easily sense others’ emotions. The 6th house rules health, wellness, and daily routines- so it is likely that factoring in and being able to express your motions on a daily basis is NEEDED in your life in order for you to feel balanced.

Tbh, I don’t think there is a better placement for Chan than this. Cancer has this watery element that causes people to open up emotionally. You would likely be able to tell when something was off with him. I do think you’d help him learn to express his emotions more easily to you… which is currently one of his greatest struggles.

Mercury in Cap in the 11th:

Your Mercury in Cap tells me that although emotions and individuality do play a big role in your life, you can lay down the facts straight and simple. So even though you may be very accepting and loving, you will still be honest with people and tell them how it is. I think this is a great trait to have. With this being in your 11th house, I think this could also be a big factor into why your friends would love you so much.

This would be a good match with Chan as well. Sometimes he just needs to hear the truth instead of sugar coating things (which he always does bc of his freaking Libra in Mercury god bless him).

Venus in Scorpio in the 10th:

I feel like I don’t even need to explain this one. Y’all are freaky in the bedroom and lowkey I don’t even want to know what y’all will be up to. Y’all will also both be obsessed with each other and in a gross love story that everyone on the outside is like “okay that’s soulmate shit for real’. The vibes I get from your matching Venus in Scorp is very much the Addams family parents (Morticia and Gomez Addams) and how they’re so goddamn obsessed with each other in this dark spiritual way. Yeah, those are the vibes.

With it being in your 10th too, it’s likely that if you and Chan were dating, that is something you would be well-known for… for being the s/o to Chan that you were both literally obsessive over each other. Or you’d do some batshit crazy jealous shit over him and be remembered for that. Either way, y’all would be crazy as hell together <3

Mars in Virgo in the 7th:

This placement tells me again that you are absolutely able to tell people how it is. When fights break out, you are able to see reason and help resolve the root of the problem. Even if you do get explosive in fights, your likely able to become level headed rather quickly. Having this placement in the 7th house means this will be a prominent trait that you express in relationships- either romantic or platonic.

I do think Virgo is a nice match for Chan’s Mars in Sag. I think you’d balance him out pretty well and make him be able to see reason. <3