#i dont really draw like this anymore it got really exhausting
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this old world may never change and sometimes i wonder: do you ever think of me?
#my art#ok to rb#christopher moltisanti#when that wizard cursed me and i felt indebted to his soul#sketchbook tour#sopranos#sopranos fanart#christopher your violent delights will undoubtedly have violent ends (are they even your delights to begin with?)#these are like 6 mo old now. at least the first two#i could prob make these look better if i edited them for longer but i cant be fucked. only uploading these now bc i figured if its been 6#months i probably wont ever go scan these with the heavy duty 800 dpi scanner. this works good enough#i dont really draw like this anymore it got really exhausting#i miss watching sopranos so bad i felt like i was feasting on it for days every time i watched an episode. took so long for me to watch#bc anything that makes me feel that high couldnt be good for me. had to space the episodes out by a few days
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wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it
#personal#i just want to make things so bad#it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it#i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life#if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art#if im making something im spending less time with them#and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences#but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that#and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends#but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas#i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors#all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick#so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!!#i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included#but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad#i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum#maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes#for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult#and not spend to much time thinking about this
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When other people say that they do not have enough time to get something done, they (often, if they're quite healthy) mean they are taking into account the time it takes to do the laundry and arrange new pieces of furniture and cook dinner and meet up with friends to see a movie and run to the post office or the hair dresser and take the dog for walks and do the dishes and paint their nails and drive to the store and go to their cousin's wedding and go to the barbecue their friend is throwing on the weekend
they don't winnow their life down to just spending time at the computer, working from when they wake up until they cannot focus their eyes anymore, granola bars, coffee, and bottles of water all around them because of course they did not take time to have lunch or breakfast, only dragging themselves away from work when they are truly too exhausted to do any of it anymore, and then lacking the energy to do much of anything that remains of life but to eat a tiny bit more, sponge themselves off, and go to sleep.
i just saw a video of a fursuiter on their bed, legs kicked back, head propped on their hands, delightedly announcing that after many years of hard work they had finally finished their Master's degree. And some part of me, some sick withered part, thought really? you had time to do a Master's degree while also getting a fursuit done? and going to conventions, presumably? you had time in the day to research fursuit makers, have a sona designed and drawn by someone else (or to draw it yourself), to contact a maker to make a duck tape dummy of yourself, and to have a friend over to help you make it and to cut it off of you, to send it in the mail to the maker, to then get it and make videos? you had time to set up this beautiful bedroom that i see in your video, with a soft pink sham on the bed and LED lights behind your bookshelf and lamps and all kinds of stuffed toys? you had a life? you were out playing, and dancing, and pursuing your hobbies, and you did a master's degree?
because when i was working on my doctorate, there was nothing. three layers of foam on the floor with a fitted sheet over it. a folding card table from aldi that had cost $40 that my grandparents got me. no food in the fridge. no time to even get the internet installed, just stolen wi-fi when my laptop could pick it up. i woke up, got dressed, and slunk into the office. i sat alone in the dark working until my hunger made me furious and i could not write another word. and then i walked to the grocery store, got something to subsist on, went home, ate, kickboxing video, went to sleep. every day. with almost nothing breaking the routine.
and ive gotten better, so much better, but my brain still kind of works that way. i feel like i have to quit my job and stop being a writer if i want to have hobbies. to paint my bedroom. to marinate a meat for longer than fifteen minutes. to get a driver's license again. to take a trip. but i dont want to be like that any more. how do people know when to stop? i feel like i have to give everything my absolute all until there is nothing left or else i have done nothing. i feel that i would have to treat a hobby like a job to get it done. I feel that anything that takes more than two minutes is a huge waste of time i must feel guilty for. i am working on all these things. jesus i have been working on them for years at this point. but because i have been so successful at telling people to do less, i get pulled in. interview. workshop invitation. email. urgent in the subject line. call from my agent. meeting request from my boss. new book idea, better sell it now while my sales figures still look good. recording studio session. deadline. writing. can you talk about this. can you talk about that. tag. email. book idea. deadline. long heartfelt email. still so often i have to take my own damn advice.
and this is why i am getting a fursuit made!! and going to cons! and going to leather and latex events! and making socials that are separate for these things!! i am going to let myself be silly and soft and do frivolous things. i am so sick of what i do to myself, all the pursuit of seeming like a strong mature adult.
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Ahh!! I finally got to see all of the FF AU stuff! I have a couple questions so I hope it's not annoying 🥺 I'm just getting more and more invested haha!
1) How do you depict Green, Red and Blue to make them all slightly unique? I've noticed you draw them slightly different but also not??? And I love it!!
2) I'm kind of bad at interpreting things sometimes, but.... Is Blue using sign language? Did I miss some stuff in the tag, I was using mobile and I'm AWFUL at navigating blogs n tags on mobile so I could have missed something haha oops 😬
Anyways, I'm sorry if this is annoying osuehfhsjeh I'm genuinely excited about finding your blog, your art, and this AU! Feel free to ignore this though if you want! Or answer it later no worries ❤️
No worries, this isn’t annoying at all! I genuinely love answering questions like this :3
This’ll probs be long because im exhausted and talkative so im gonna
I depict them all kinda differently despite them all looking kinds he same! So, Green looks the most like “Link,” with the classic green tunic and white shorts n stuff, but instead if a hat he usually has a ponytail. Red has super curly hair , the hat, and a scarf (for fashion). Vio has clothes more similar to Green’s, except he gets a hat and his shorts/undershirt are darker colored, more similar to what Shadow wears in the manga. Lastly, Blue is the only one who wears pants, a long sleeved shirt, and a type of shawl/jacket and gloves (my reasoning for this is that he’s always cold thanks to being frozen for a few days). Then of course, they all have their respective elemental pendant (from Minish cap, although they arent actually the Minish cap Link, they just happen to have those pendants to help differentiate them). Of course, i have headcanons on other things such as differences in hair color and how their skin tones are all slightly different, but considering that i dont often color art anymore, im not going to get into that 💀
Yes, Blue uses sign! I’m not the greatest at drawing it, so it can be hard to tell sometimes. He’s mostly nonverbal in my au, usually opting to sign unless he a.) absolutely needs to use his voice or b.) is pissed. Sign is a lot more blunt of a language, and I think it fits his personality to prefer using it, if that makes sense? Idk if that makes sense. Whatever im exhausted
I’m really glad y’all are actually enjoying this au haha. It’s been fun doing these little drawings answering questions, and i plan to do more soon!
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tw vent
Istg everytime I post something new there's always one anon always like "so you're posting this now???" And I always feel like I'm being scolded for it
Im sick and tired of having to meet everyone's content expectations. One day I post msm, and the next day I post trolls. Oh, now I'm posting ocs, then NOOO I post something else like fucking newsies or some shit.
Im sick and tired of having every post tailored to my followers expectations. I'm ripping myself apart doing so and it's mentally exhausting.
so what if I don't post g&b au right this minute? Or this week? What if I want to post about my ocs for a bit? No, keep your head down and post what the followers want.
But how about trolls and wall-e? How about newsies and tnbc? No. Just shut up and stick to what's popular. What the majority wants.
Keep drawing your Amphibia and Gravity Falls content you're not even that into anymore. Keep drawing and writing your MSM AU everyone cares sooooo much about that you just want to take a slight break of and not worry about it all the time
But no.
Nobody cares about your ocs.
Nobody cares about the two other fandoms you're fixated on.
All they care about is this one single fucking au that isn't even that great.
I mean, that's where you got majority of your followers, right? From drawing MSM and your AU? You should draw for them and not for you, right?
Im so sick of it.
Sick. Of. It.
Constantly trying to meet others expectations when they're all expecting something different is quite literally tearing my little brain to shreds.
I can't do this anymore.
My life is exhausting as it is, and my followers expectations do NOT need to be another thing on my plate. My brain quite literally can not function anymore. Can NOT.
Can yall do me the BIGGEST favor and just roll along with what I post?? Is that so hard?? Do you really need to ask me EVERY SINGLE TIME I POST SOMETHING DIFFERENT if I'm going to be posting said something different? I DONT KNOW, IM NOT A FUCKING FORTUNE TELLER, STOP BOTHERING ME.
im frustrated. im tired. its been a long day. im sorry. in case youre wondering, im not mad at anyone but myself.
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being burnt out fucking Sucks because its like, when im Anywhere But My Apartment all i want to do is draw all day, i fantasize about all the things i want to draw instead of doing work or errands, but the SECOND i get home and have TIME to draw, suddenly all that energy is Gone =_=
i havent gotten BETTER at drawing or improved any of the techniques ive wanted to improve in years because i just dont draw as much as i used to, and i feel like i dont have as much time to dedicate to drawing anyway; i work 40 hours a week so when i get home im exhausted and dont want to use my brain or stare at screens so close to my face anymore, and im weak/sick half the time nowadays anyway so i just never have the energy to pick up my heavy ass fucking stupid tablet and draw. i feel like ive got a better Eye for stuff by virtue of spending all day every day Looking at things, but my muscle memory for actually putting what i see in life or in my minds eye down on paper or on the tablet is so weakened, and thats really disheartening :( i feel like im not at the skill level i thought id be at by 25, and im following all these amazing artists doing what i WISH i could do, and theyre all like 19 or 20
im sketching a little more frequently though because the riza hawkeye autism is Real for me, which is good, but sketching is about all i have time/energy for because trying to line/color something, or practice rendering (one of the skills i wish i had but dont), would take twice or thrice as long, and sketching alone is already taking so long that im staying up past midnight doing it—and of course im a bearer of the curse (adhd) so if i cant be reasonably satisfied with a drawing by the time i finish the first sketching session, it gets abandoned Forever because it didnt turn out perfect and finished the first time
BWARGH. i had more to complain about than i realized when i started writing this post.
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hello,
I've sent in a couple asks before so you may recognize my story but I just have to ask. I was an artist, worked my whole life to be close to good and I even made it into one of the top art schools in my state. Before I applied and even for half of my first semester, I admit I became lazy and greedy. To create art wasn't something that came from the heart anymore, I only cared about being "good" and drawing what was most popular or what I knew would get the most likes on my personal account. It got to a point where I faked my skills and traced all because I was to unconfident in myself. I lost everything and it made me really look at the kind of person I was becoming. I hated myself and it was the worst I'd ever been in terms of mental and physical health. for my second semester I purposefully took on a large number of classes and worked myself into exhaustion. I remember for one class I completely fumbled the final and embarrassed myself in front of the chairman of the department, everyone, and I felt so ridiculously small. I felt like I didn't deserve to call myself an artist, to be there, to even be alive. I attempted suicide over five times and shut down completely. At that point, I dropped out and told myself this wasn't the path for me. I left, began to pursue psychology, but part of me still wonders: what if I'd stayed? To be an artist, a real one, is painful. You love the work and the methods but it kills you to create something truly unique. No artist I've ever met is ever happy or content, we simply move on to the next project. Despite everything that's happened, I now wonder what I could've created had I stayed. Why did I leave? Why couldn't I handle it? Why did I do this to myself? Who am I now but another 20 year old who's flailing through life as if she knows what she's doing. Am I truly content being a psychologist for the rest of my life? Why didn't I stay?
I don't know what to do and whether or not going back would be a good idea. I think stepping away at the time was the right decision. If I continued the way I was going, I would've killed myself or worked myself sick. But, can I say the same now? The person I am now isn't the same as back then, so would the me I am today be able to handle what I couldn't back then?
It's so complicated and I don't know what to do. I look up to true artists who were able to overcome and create their own stories, become the people they wanted to be. I want to do the same, I have a message to spread and a story to tell, there's so much I want to express but my words will never do what I feel justice. Why can't I do this? Do I deserve the pain of an artist and the beauty of fruitful work? Will i become another invisible person in an unkind world dedicated to work I dont care about and money to keep me comfortable? What do I do?
Hello anon,
I wanted to begin by saying that I am so glad you’re here, and I’m so sorry things felt (what I imagine) so unbearable for quite some time for you.
I think you’re absolutely right that who you are now, is not who were back then. Just going by patterns of behavior alone, it seems you’re taking care of yourself in a way you didn’t have the tools for before (and that’s not a knock! We all have to learn skills that speak to us and those might be as varied as we are as individuals - if one thing worked for everyone, we’d all be doing it. And of course that’s not even getting into the other important factors like resources, access to mental health care, and a support system).
Which I think helps segway into potential next steps - in that first I think it’s important to acknowledge that stereotypes of the “tortured, suffering, starving artist” are just that, a sterotype. While the creative process can invoke a full spectrum of feelings, not all of them venture into the sphere of painful and strained (and that’s speaking as an artist myself). I also think it’s important to do away with the notion that unless you check off a social-cultural check box of say, art school, you aren’t an “artist.” This is where I copy and paste Picasso’s lovely quote:
“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”
And I think that is a problem I’ve seen among many people who want to be creative but aren’t sure if they have the “skills” the “degree” etc. And while of course, depending on what you’re hoping to do with your art, it would be imperative to study and have some training - but who gets to define what your goals are? You. Who gets to say how you study and learn? You. You have the power to decide for yourself moving forward how you’d like to be creative. And the best part? You already are. Everyone is.
Now you get to decide how you want to create (does it have to be in the same medium as before? Could it be multiple mediums - mixed media, writing, poetry, ceramics, embroidery, digital art? You don’t have to stick to one format).
And in what environments (getting a degree? Taking local community classes to practice seeing how it feels to be in a classroom for it again? Online courses if the social aspect feels overwhelming? Free courses online in case you’re worrying about “wasting” money?)
And what you’d like to do with it (are you wanting to sell it? Are you wanting to share it? Are you hoping to process something during the creative process?)
Nothing says you couldn’t get your current degree in psychology, while you do any and all of the things above. Because the beauty is, you can have a “comfortable” situation with your job, and still be creative. But it never has to be an either/or, or a waiting for all the stars to align kind of thing - you can tap into your creative side at any time, and see where it leads on not only your artistic journey, but you’re healing one as well.
Regardless of what your next steps might be, I wish you well,
- Mod Kat
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Just saw your post from earlier and I’m just really curious what’s your opinion on Rais x Crane (as a “funny ship goes brrr” or fr whichever you prefer), have a nice day!
i do actually like it and it's probably my biggest "ship" but i cant really explain to you why. they have a very complicated thing going on between them and i find it entertaining/interesting. in my au theres actually some Things that happen on cranes end that leaves him fucked up after rais dies - mainly their final fight goes differently, rais isn't pushed off of the tower but instead is left there to bleed out by crane, and after crane has told the gre operatives to go eat nails he ends up sitting down next to rais, the most exhausted and mentally drained hes ever been in his life. then rais puts on a bit of a kicked puppy act because he actually feels afraid (since hes dying and his rabies induced adrenaline is wearing off) and he asks crane if he can hold his hand. crane, stupid idiot sympathetic sentimental crane, obliges. then, because he does that he has to actually feel his last breath. which fucks crane up. because he just very personally murdered someone. a person he very much hated, yes, but he got so used to having someone to hate that now there's this odd void. several days later as hes coming out of his dissociative stupor he's back at the garrison to scavenge for whats left of their supplies, he ends up in rais's personal room. which, since it was locked well, was a jackpot in terms of medical supplies. but crane spent a little too long in there and ended up sifting through boxes of old documents and he finds out that rais had a son, evidenced by several drawings and other papers, and crane pieces together that rais's brother isn't the only person to be killed in the outbreak. this makes crane spiral again into thoughts about how rais really was just another person broken by the circumstances and his sentimental ass just feels so bad LOL
but anyway after theyve both died and are in the afterlife (they dont really have an appealing afterlife in this world youre just a ghost wandering around a world you cant interact with forever) crane is reunited with all his friends! and he spends a long time with them and all is good, but out of curiosity he ends up tracking down rais's supposed son. since at this point rais has had a couple or a dozen (idk the timeline yet im horrid with timelines) years to just sit there and think, he's chilled out and isn't really mad at anyone anymore. so he has no problem letting crane meet his son. but crane finds iut that since he died in a traumatic manner, (shot in the head to keep him from turning) he's in... a bad state. this makes crane frequently return to check on him which means he and rais have a lot of time to interact. originally crane isnt a fan of having to see rais in the first place but he very very slowly begins to tolerate him and eventually (by "eventually" i mean over the span of several decades or something like that) befriend him
but also i do find it hilarious as a concept
#btw hassan wants nothing to do with rais in the afterlife because their relationship was not actually good so rais was very isolated aside#from his very fucked up son#also my au is kind of a lot clearly LOL#dying light#crane#kyle crane#rais#anonymous#this post's conclusion: i have autism#alsp u have a nice day too :D
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like I got to read a manga today. that was fantastic. but it’s like… I feel like the only down time I ever have is when I’m literally physically ill like this morning. AND I STILL WENT TO WORK. idk what to do anymore really. I don’t think I should be this tired. I dont think what I do warrants this kind of exhaustion. but I feel like between work and life chores and trying to maintain a social life… I don’t have any time for my passions. I don’t have any time to write or draw because when I’m NOT working or doing chores or sleeping, im trying to maintain my friendships. and that leaves no time for doing the things I love that generally require solitude and MOST IMPORTANTLY the actual TIME to sit down and do them.
#vent#like yes!! I make time to hang out with friends!! I go from work… home.. and then to things my friends want to do#and I’m LUCKY to have that time.#but in doing all of these external things… I feel like I have no time to just be.#and in the grand scope of things I’m SO blessed#so it’s like… what the fuck am I supposed to do with this exhaustion that I feel like just comes with being alive#where am I supposed to put it#what am I supposed to do with it#power through until I die?? no fucking thank you.#is this a mental illness thing?#The more I talk abt it the more I begin to think it’s a mental illness thing#am I burning out?#What does it even mean to burn out when you feel like you’re doing the bare fucking minimum to be considered a functioning human
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:( :/ i'm really emotional and i just wanted to vent, feel free to ignore
i feel really frustrated. i feel rejected and unseen and ignored and i'm sad and i'm hurt. i'm so sick of feeling envious all the time. it constantly makes me want a legitimate lobotomy and to not feel things anymore. i don't wanna be emvious of people. i don't want to burn and hurt and yearn and fall into darkness every time someone else does something better than me. i don't want to be jealous anymore. it's so exhausting.
it's not even that people are actively doing things to hurt me. i feel so guilty, like i have no right to be sad whenever something happens, and i use it as an opportunity to compare and judge myself. but i'm in so much pain literally all of the time. it feels like every compliment to someone else is a pulse in my chest. every time someone posts art with a tagged recipient that's not me. every asks praising someone else's skill, their brain, their wit, their talent, their skill, their value.
i know i'm doing a lot of fun stuff for the stob fandom and i think im involved enough and sort of kind of notable enough to where it's like, it's not like i'm invisible?? like i have a server. i'm drawing a little bit more frequently. it's cool. i'm there. i'm here, i think. maybe some people know me.
but i'm doing a lot of comparing myself to others and i feel stupid because i judge a lot of my self-worth based on comparisons, yet i can't even figure out the algorithm and best time to post and i can't be patient enough to just wait?? if i really wanted notes?? like why do i still post art at 1 am on the worst days. part of me does it because i want to fight against the algorithm. i don't want to be obsessive over it. but i still can't help but go back to my obsessive tendencies. like i look at how many notes other people got within the first five minutes of posting vs how many *i* got, and i go back and i look at how many notes my art gets vs how many other people get... and i look at how many comments and tags are on my art vs other peoples, and i look at who reacted to what how quickly, and i just always lose. i always get less notes. i'm always less seen. i'm always less valuable.
and the most frustrating thing is like, i can't EVEN use always or nevers anymore. i DO get asks, sometimes. but i wish i got as many as some people get. i wish i got more people telling me that they love my art or that they loved whatever way i contributed to the fandom. i wish people drew things for me. i wish people sent me more random asks about headcanons, or my art, or just me that day. i dont NEVER or ALWAYS get 10 notes on one site and 1200 on the other, and i dont always or never get asks telling me things i wanna hear, but i always feel stupid. i always feel worthless. i always feel like i have nothing of value to contribute. i always feel inferior.
it feels like a battle that can never conclude. i will always be fighting this ugly monster. i will always lose. it will always hurt. i will always have to claw my way through accepting my valueless meaningless worthless life so that i can experience the joy of not giving up so i can do it again.
#🥀#i just want to turn my brain off#im tired of experimenting#i'm tired of fishing#i'm tired of trying and failing#i'm tired of thinking
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i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it
i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.
i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways
maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting
im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently
i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want
in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary
but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared
i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk
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Tired, a short story (that i write to vent.)
".. Are you okay? " I approach the lone girl curling into a human ball, all by herself.
".. No. " And only a word i got. "Do you want to talk about it? "
Still a ball, but i got a reply, "What more is there to say? You know how i feel. " Touche.
"I know, but talking might process it out, wanna try? " Still a ball, but this time, no reply.
"Alright, since you dont want to talk about it, I will. " .. Damn, not even a glance.
"Were tired. " I try to choose my words carefully
"Youre tired, Im tired. "
"Weve been tired forever.. "
She whispered with her head bowed down, talking but no one but rather stating a fact. Or her feelings,
"I know, but who fault is it really? "
".. "
".. "
"We dont know. " I slump beside her, "But we do know, is that were tired, why? "
"You know why.. "
"Yes but.. What is it? "
She relents "Were tired of feelings. " I add "Not feelings, " I give her a sideway hug "Anxiety, overthinking, the fear of the impending doom that will never come. Its been.. only a few years, we can count with our fingers. But its so exhausting, isnt it? "
"It is.. " Her voice shake
".. Do you want to talk about it now? Or would you like for me to talk our feelings out? " Her figure shake, but she leans against me like a hypothermic patient. But shes only cold with feelings.
"I want to talk about it. "
I nod, but my presence and soothing touch made her know, that im listening.
"Its tiring, all the feelings like I could be God, only to be cast into the dark dephts of my mind. Fucking hell-- Is this what Lucifer feels? " I sigh
"Its tiring, this thoughts. They come and go like harsh waves, not a calm tide. One moment im hit by the feelings of a hero, and then im swept by the feelings of failure. I dont know what to do anymore, nothing makes sense. Nothing feels real. " She sobs finally, her warm tears flowing out.
"I dont even feel real whenever im.. im.. joyous. " A grimace "Its like im looking at someone else view, like im in my body but im not in my body, im like an observer. And that moment? It already feels like a memory, but im in the present, it doesnt make sense! "
Her hands start casting through her hair, a tell tale sign of a destructive behaviour that i quickly prevent by taking her hands in mine, warming it up. Letting her cold feelings melt away into words.
"I only feel real whenever im in my lowest part, when i get my situation. It feels real, because the consequences are there, i feel real, because i can actually feel those emotions having an effect on me. It feels real, and I dont want all my realness-- all i think I am is sadness. I dont want that. "
I curl her hand in mine as she keeps talking.
"I keep saying this, but its tiring, its tiring.. The fact that time is merciless, society is brutal, and the fact that some people just don't get it. They dont get how it feels, and its driving me crazy! Is it me, is it them? I need reassurance that its okay to be like this, that one day, someday-- someone will understand and say 'I get it. ' Hell, they don't even need to understand, maybe just a 'Youre allowed to feel like this.' will help! "
"But no one gives it to you, thats why were in this paper. " I let go of her hand, and start tracing it instead
"Thats why Im here. Thats why youre here, this words are a safe haven now. "
".. "
"I admit, things are still not the brightest right now, but it is getting better. " I trace a heart. "Im.. sad that weve been this tired only by the count of fingers, but it does feel like an eternity doesnt it? Its like theres no end. " I trace my signature drawing of a frog.
"It gets better, it gets worse.. But i get it, only the worse part feels real and stays for a while. The better part? It flees. " I trace a jellyfish.
"Its like.. being underwater huh? You dry off for 5 minutes only to get dunked 15 minutes. "
She looks at my hand that is tracing hers, "Im.. " I was about to say 'Im sorry, but i realized maybe this pity party has gone too long. She-- I needed encouragement, i needed gratitude. I need her, so I can be where I am today.
"Thank you. " I put my hands on top of hers
"Things are not the brightest, but its getting better. Thanks to your hard work, thank you. Thank you for staying for the future, even if the past haunts you like a bitch. Im where I am because of you and I promise, "
I grip her hand. "Ill be here until the next us can finally come between this words and write 'Weve made it.'
. "
#writing#short story#vent#hurt/comfort#self insert#self indulgent#i decided to post this incase someone feels the same way#also im open to critics about my writing#also english is not my first languange#and im a little rusty right now#hope you enjoy#writerscommunity#feelings
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Hii Duda,
I’m curious to know more about you as a person and I was wondering if you could tell us a little about yourself 🫶🏾🥹 oh also! Tell us your SKZ bias line 😏
- 🧶
Hello, dear 🧶!
You have no idea how happy I get when I interact with all of you!
And yes! It'd be my pleasure to talk a bit about myself!
- I'm 22 years old!
- I am an Architecture student, I'll be graduating next year! (Even though I dont like it anymore and it's just exhausting 🥲)
- I consider myself an artist? I like to paint and draw a lot!
- I enjoy playing video games and watching anime!
- I'm really into animation, like, the whole process!
- English is not my native language, it's brazilian portuguese! But I studied english for 7 years and I feel more comfortable with the language 😁
- I used to have this bad habit of creating a whole story in my head and not writing it down, so I lost a lot of really cool stories 🥲
- I absolutely love music! If you were to meet me in person, you'd see that I am always with my earphones on! And also music makes me feel really emotional, so I'd just be crying randomly sometimes or just get this sudden burst of happiness!
- I have social anxiety, so that's one of the reason why I always have my earphones on. I dont feel comfortable in crouded places. And also because of that, I have this look on my face that seems like I'm annoyed but that's not the case 🥲
- I also have anxiety and sometimes I get these anxiety attacks where everything makes me feel bad. One of my main symptoms is nausea, so yeah, most of what I write on my sickfics is based off pure experience 🥲. And my anxiety is such a b**** that the things that I enjoy, instead of helping me, they actually make me feel even more anxious (I hate that)
- I met stray kids with Hellavator ( I love this song so, so, so much) but I didnt stan then until recently. Funny fact, I got into Stray Kids one time where I was feeling bad and seeing them actually made me feel instantly happy and comforted. So I consider one of my safe places 💜
- I really like their name, Stray Kids, because it feels like them and us will never grow up, it feels like we will forever be kids! (Just like in peter pan).
- I'll try to put a top three or five songs that I love, in no particular order:
Haven
Thunderous
Silent Cry
Mictape OH
Maniac
- As for my bias line, that's difficult. I like all of them, but I'll try to stay true to your request 🥲
I think I started with Felix, then bias wrecker Hyunjin, then Minho, then Han and so on...
But yeah, bias line, for real :
Felix
Hyunjin
Chan
For now, that's what I think is more interesting about me hehehe
💜
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i dont think i want to die
i get strong suicidal thoughts constantly hammered in my head whenever i am feeling down and they build up until the day i decide to push myself to a limit, but
then i'm standing at the bridge gazing at the landscape that stretches in front of me, and the world is not ugly, and i would like to see this landscape again, i would like to hide my eyes from the sun again, i would like to see what drawings the clouds are going to form on their canvas another day, or i'd like to see it covered in grey. i would like to dangle my feet on this edge again, and watch the boat or the train pass by, i would like to think about the things that made me happy these past years and cry
i'm driving full speed, around the double of the allowed limit, but i don't swerve into anything, and i'm careful of my surroundings, and i take the curves and turns i need to take, and i slow down if i have to - even if it brings me to a sudden sharp halt - and my heart is racing, my mind feels a little blank, and i'm worried of what could have happened if i flinched. i want to drive this beautiful car again, because i cried when i got her and i cried when i scratched her and i do not want to know what kind of feelings would overcome me if i ever wrecked her
i'm sitting in my bathroom floor and i'm cleaning up vomit that hid in the crevices of the broken toilet with paper, or the bits that were hurled onto the floor, and i try to get it all cleaned up even though i am confused, exhausted, my vision is extremely blurry and dancing, everything around me is in motion as i try hard to focus and it just lingers away from me, i cannot stand up correctly, i have hit the wall a few times and i keep stumbling. then a second wave hits, and i am cleaning up vomit again, and this time i don't have the strength to keep my eyes open, and the floor feels comfortable even though it is wet, and i could doze off, i want to doze off, my eyes are closing and i only see pitch darkness sometimes even they are open, and maybe i should let myself sleep to see where that takes me, and i am shivering from cold even though i'm wearing warm clothes and i'm sweating, i really want to sleep. but i don't, and i grab a huge water jug and drink even though it tastes bad, and i remind myself that i do not want to sleep in the bathroom, i do not want to shiver from cold, i do not want this to win. so i take myself to my bed, where it's comfy, and where my head spins a little less and though i'm still shivering, it's warm. then a third wave hits and i could not reach the toilet on time, so my kitchen floor is flooded with hurled water from within, and i try to let out more but i'm physically drained, and i'm cleaning again and telling myself to not give up yet, my socks are soaking wet, my pyjama is disgusting but i am drinking water again and my head doesn't spin much anymore and i can walk, i am not stumbling anymore, and my vision has cleared up a chunk and objects aren't lingering away as fast as they were before. and i did it, i still took care of myself, when i could have just let myself go. when i could have just slept in the bathroom floor on top of my vomit. i could have just waited to see where this bottle of liquor could take me. but i took care of myself, and slept in my bed, and woke up again the next day
i cry whenever i think about death. it's involuntary. my eyes swell up even though i cannot see the street i'm walking down or the road i'm driving. i cry about the things i may miss out, i cry about the people and things i may disappoint, i cry about those that have lost enough and would be losing again, i cry about what i would lose. and even though that is reminding me that i do not want to leave yet, i still push myself to a certain limit, and regret it later
and i know i might do it again, but until i finally break from it, i will realize over and over again that i don't think i want to die
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i gotta wonder if my drive to draw things will return when my major is over in a few months
#not rly negative but heads up for long drawl in the tags#i genuinely dont feel like drawing anything and i havent for the past several months#ever since like... june last year mostly all ive done are character references and shitposts. i dont rly do illustrations and such anymore#and it truly isnt art block ive got ideas for sure i just... feel so exhausted that i dont really want to draw#i pushed through a lot of it but then it got to my comic and i struggled for months with it. and now ive completely stopped for a few weeks#not because i dont want to work on it but... im at that point where what im drawing should be rly cool and fun and interesting#but i am just so exhausted like in general. and it feels like i gotta force myself to keep doing it. it doesnt feel fun#i dont... want the quality of the story to suffer if i force myself to draw. i already feel a good few pages are forced#i want to actually get my energy and drive back and be excited about drawing it again because i truly do love it a lot and i WILL finish it#i am... halfway done with it so.#ill get back to it eventually. i swear. same way ill get back to big illustrations and oc drawings and such#but for now everything stays in my mind where it doesnt feel exhausting to develop#thunderclap#and theres a mantra i must repeat to myself... im no less of an artist. and i am no less successful as one. than my fellow companions are#when they are able to push through their burnout and draw copious amounts and keep their comics consistently updating and all that#ive got to commend all of them. i am simply not that strong
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purple seems to just be a really evil color huh
#my art lol#cuphead#evil cuphead#rayman#raymesis#shantae#nega shantae#evil clone#purple#fanart#MAN what the hell else do i tag this with??? i dont wanna over spam with tags but i dont knOw anymore#yeah as y'all can tell i still suck at drawing cupbitch and boneless hoe#haven't really drawn much shantae before (or atleast posted any drawings of it) but SHE'S EASY CAUSE SHE LOOKS HUMAN LMAO#this is why gijinkas make my life a million times easier ahkhskg#the stupid add on doodle took FAR LONGER THAN IT SHOULD'VE#im exhausted so no more rambling in the tags hakjhskg the rambling gets to go to the devart version#i just had to dO THIS THOUGH CAUSE LIKE. LOVE THOSE SORTA CONTRASTs#we got small red protags who dont get paid for shit for what they do#and their evil purple alternates#who are also probably small but yknow#why are video game protags so small???????
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