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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 3 years

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There is a light at the end of the tunnel

Hello, Stuck. Sorry, I don’t know your real name.

I wrote this long ass post to bring some light into the fandom and between the CSs, and I hope you can post it? I’m new in the Tumblr world, but not in the 5H fandom. I don’t quite know how it works yet and, for the moment, I only know your blog and those of @emisonme, @karlaswine, @sun-to-my-luna, @underthatimpression, and @mentesimploria because, in one way or another, you’re all connected to each other. I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate every single one of you, the passion you have, and the hope you keep alive among those who, like me, love the girls. Also, the patience you guys have, especially against the haters, is admirable. I love the fact that you keep going. Because this is your sacred place, as it should be.

This is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. I’m what can be defined as a ‘silent fan’. I never commented on anything in the girls’ posts, not even on the fan accounts I follow. I don’t have Twitter. I have Facebook but it’s like I don’t have it because I don’t use it. I have Wattpad (obviously). I recently registered here on Tumblr, and I have Instagram. That’s what I use. It’s the only app along with YouTube that I use daily to keep up with the rest of the world. Especially the American part of the world. I’m Italian, but I speak American English well, and I apologize in advance if my lazy ass hasn’t noticed possible grammatical errors. I saw that a lot of you are into this stuff, so I thought I’d add it just because. I’m a Capricorn Sun, Cancer Moon, and Virgo rising.

I’m gonna turn 29 on December 22, and this is a BIG fuck off to all the people who have attacked you lately for your age. This is personal information that I give freely to make ignorant and small-minded people understand that, in this context especially, age is irrelevant. As you, little fucker who hides behind a computer to attack people just to feel stronger, have a life, we have it too. Like you, we have a life, a job, friends, etc. We also have passions. Passions that yes, my dear haters, also include shipping people. I don’t know why in your stupid brain we’re too old to ship people we love and to give opinions about it. I didn’t know it was something reserved only for those who still smell like mommy’s milk. But anyway…

I became aware of 5H existence just before summer 2015 thanks to ‘Worth It’. Being Italian, however, I had no idea who they were, and to be honest, I didn’t go searching for them. Randomly one day then, I ran into Camren on YouTube. I can’t remember which video I was watching, but I know for sure it was about ‘Heya/Brittana’ (Heather Morris and Naya Rivera/Brittany and Santana, my very first hard LGBT ship). And among the suggested videos, there they are. As ridiculous as it sounds, and although I liked them as soon as I saw them, I didn’t go searching for them. I did it when ‘Work from Home’ came out though. From there, I connected that they were the same ‘Worth It’ group and the same two girls I liked from those YouTube videos. I had officially become a fan. I was screwed. Screwed because, I’d officially entered one of the most messed up and yet most beautiful fandoms ever.

As I initially said, this is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. But after the recent events, seeing how many people gave up, it made me a little angry and gave me the strength to speak for the first time. I thought the first time would’ve been through the fanfiction I’ve been working on for over two years, but no. Lauren and her beautiful mouth had to terrorize, disappoint, panic, and make angry 80% of CS, thus fueling the hatred of all the other fandom towards us. So I decided to speak now. Maybe, just maybe, this very long ass post of mine is gonna help struggling CS. Maybe, just maybe, it’s gonna make them reason and bring them to their senses.

So. This, as I think you’ve understood, is about Lauren and what she said in the podcast. This is a reminder of the Laucy situation. These are things we already know and that I want to remind you of because apparently, my lovely fellows CS, either you have a short-term memory, or Lauren has the power to create amnesia in people’s minds and I knew nothing about it. Surely this power of hers didn’t work on me and a few others.

Oh and, before starting: 1) You may disagree with me. It’s normal to have different opinions. 2) You can search for information such as dates, easily on the internet. 3) I’m gonna use nicknames on PRs for fun. That doesn’t mean I hate them. I have my reasons for dislike each one of them as people, but I can assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that they were or are the Camren beards. An example to make you understand what I mean is Ty. I’m a huge Ari fan and I’ve been listening to ‘safety net’ non-stop for two days straight. I really dislike Ty as a person, but I separate the art from the artist.

Okay, that said, I can start.

Lauren said: “I knew I was queer because I fell in love with my best friend when I was like 15.” – “Her and I started to have a physical connection when I was 15.”

Lauren and Lucid Vivisectionist met when L moved to Carrollton in 7th grade. Lucille moved back to Puerto Rico in February 2012, returning to visit Miami occasionally (this explains the fetus pictures with Lucy and Camren at L’s house). In February 2012, Lauren was 15, Camila 14, and Lucy 16. And who did Lauren meet when she was 15? Oh yeah, Camila. C and L did the first phase of the audition, the ‘cattle call’, on May 1, 2012 in Greensboro, North Carolina. Audition where Camila took courage to speak at the (“Oh my God that girl is) literally so beautiful” girl from which she felt intimidated by starting that adorable brief conversation “Hi, I like your shirt”, “Thanks. I like your jacket” just before it was her turn to get in for her audition. In May 2012, Lauren and Camila were both 15 years old. Lauren and Camila saw each other again for the first time on July 25th, two months later, in Miami on the first day of boot camp, and it was Lauren herself who went to Camila: “You’re the Cuban girl!”. In July 2012, Lauren was 16 and Camila was 15.

Lauren said: “She came back into my life when I was 18. I was on tour and I was in my room in a hotel somewhere, and she called me.” Let me explain to you why I think this is true.

Lauren and Luxy reconnected with each other after Lucy’s car accident that took place on May 15, 2015. Lauren was really 18 in May 2015, and we can rule out The Reflection Tour dates because it started on February 27, 2015, and ended April 6, 2015. We can also rule out these other show dates that 5H did: April 11 in Jackson Township, New Jersey - April 13 at Live! with Kelly and Michael in New York - April 19 Lauren was at Coachella with Keana, Britt, and other friends - April 22 at the Worldwide Radio Summit in Hollywood - April 25 at Radio Disney Music Awards 2015 in Los Angeles - May 8 at Channel 93.3 Summer Kickoff 2015 in Chula Vista, San Diego - May 9 at Wango Tango 2015 in Carson, Los Angeles (May 9, rumors about Camila and Louis Tomlinson just because paparazzi believed they were together when Louis was actually together with Liam outside the Project Club L.A., and C who was at the club next door) - May 15 at KDWB Radio Show in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The rest of their program and possible date: May 16 at Kiss Concert 2015 in Mansfield, Massachusetts - May 19 at Dancing with the Stars in Los Angeles - May 30 at G-A-Y in London (rumors about Lauren and Louis Tomlinson this time, born because 5H went to Libertine nightclub with Louis and Niall) - May 31 at Britain’s Got More Talent in London - June 2 at Capital FM in Birmingham, England - June 5 at Good Morning Britain in London - June 6 at Capital FM Summertime Ball 2015 in London - June 12 at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii - June 14 at LA Pride 2015 - June 18 at Jimmy Kimmel Live in Los Angeles - June 20 at B96 Pepsi Summer Bash 2015 in Bridgeview, Illinois - June 23 at San Diego County Fair 2015 - 28 June at Show Of The Summer 2015 in Hershey, Pennsylvania - July 10 at Rockefeller Plaza in New York. July 15, 2015, beginning of Reflection: The Summer Tour.

June 27, 2015 Lauren turned 19, and do you guys remember the events of those days? Because I do.

On June 24, 2015, Lauren celebrated her birthday in advance at the famous sushi restaurant ‘Katsuya’. Among the guests were the girls, her mom Clara, some friends, including Jill (the same Jill/Jillian Gutowitz who worked with Zack Sang and who 5H met on April 22, 2015, at the Worldwide Radio Summit, which lasted for three days but they were present for two: 22 and 23. The same Jill who wrote the article for AfterEllen on January 25, 2016, about her experiences with women who denied their sexuality. Remember the story of Lauren Jordan, right?), and Noah Benardout (may he rest in peace). Still no Lucia, not even on the days when Lauren returned to Miami to celebrate with her family before resuming the program from the 28. As I already said, The Reflection Summer Tour began on July 15, 2015, and Lucy’s first public reappearance took place on one of the tour dates, that is, July 27 at Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

From that moment on, we saw Lucille appear on multiple occasions in hops through time. After the July 27th date, we saw her during the trip to Hawaii with Lauren and Keana in September, followed by the concert that the girls had on October 10 in the Bahamas, where they stayed with their families and friends for a few days. After the Bahamas, the mess happened between 5H because they found out about Camila’s departure from the group which initially should’ve been immediate, but for which they fought and gained another year. That, was also the time when Laucy signed their PR contract. As we know from Lauren herself, that was the worst and darkest time for her. That was the beginning of her numbness.

On October 23, they were on their way to Italy and Lauren wrote on her dark diary, the one shown to us in Episode 8 of her Attunements. On October 24, they arrived in Milan for the MTV Europe Music Awards 2015 occurred on October 25, and on October 28, in Madrid instead, there was the interview with Alyson Eckmann, the journalist Camila flirted with while Lauren was sitting right next to her.

Going forward, in November we have:

- Rumors about Lauren and Julius Dein (his friend who is a YouTube magician).

-The release of IKWYDLS including the rumors about Camila and Shawn and Michael Clifford (who was already in the picture) who were ‘vying for her’.

- Beginning of Lauren’s coming out plan which included: 1) The release of The Vamps’ album on November 23rd, that is, a week after the release of IKWYDLS, and which included the track ‘I Found A Girl’. Joe O'Neill, the manager of The Vamps, liked that famous tweet. Despite the efforts to make us believe that Bleahren (sorry for the Italian pun I made here, but ‘bleah’ in Italian is equivalent to the ‘eww’ to indicate something gross, and therefore Bleah-Ren) Brauren was real and that the girl involved was Lucille and not Camila, they’ve miscalculated since Lauren and Brad ‘dated’ in 2014 when Lucy had not yet returned into Lauren’s life. But since the album and consequently the song came out on November 23, 2015, they tried to manipulate people’s minds as usual. 2) Jill’s article that served to connect and more or less ‘confirm’ the story between this Jordan and her childhood friend, Lauren-Lucy.

- December: completion of the 7/27 album + Dina LaPolt’s entry + renegotiation of the contracts (mostly DNA’s contracts) + FIFTH HARMONY MUSIC, INC. created by LAND on December 21 to prepare for the transfer of the 5H trademark, the FIFTH HARMONY PARTNERSHIP, of which they became owners from April 27, 2016 + change of management from Faculty Management: Jared Paul and Janelle Lopez, to Maverick Management: Larry Rudolph, Dan Dymtrow, and Tara Beikae. [All things that were possible ONLY THANKS to the exit of C from the group]

- January 2016, we have Lauren and Lucrezia who came back from Colombia to then taking a road trip for Lucy’s birthday week.

- Jill’s article came out and coincidentally, by pure chance, exactly two days later, on January 27, 2016, Camila and Dinah were hacked.

- On March 9, 2016, Lauren, Normani, Andrea, Dinah, and Keana went to pierce their ears, or rather, Laurmainah pierced their ears, mama Dre and Keana just accompanied them. During her turn, Lauren asked Keana to take her phone to make a video. In the meantime, Mani was filming Lauren, and again by pure chance, Keana, who was in the heart of the frame, took Lauren’s phone as she’d asked, and both the lock screen and the home screen portrayed a picture of Lucania during a photoshoot. Same picture Lucy herself posted on Instagram on April 10th to leave no doubt.

- April 24, 2016, Coachella together.

- Luciana went with 5H in London, in May, during the promotion of the 7/27 album. (+ Camren video of May 28, 2016)

- She was present during the start of the tour in South America on June 26th (in the evening during the concert, L danced Big Bad Wolf for her, but that’s not the famous video, that was on September 5) and 27th to celebrate L’s birthday together (picture of the 27th of them in Buenos Aires).

- June 27, 2016, on L’s birthday, Jill posted a picture with L from the birthday dinner of the year before, further confirming the story of ‘Jordan’.

- August 1, the national girlfriend day, L posted a picture of her and Lucy.

- From August 12 to 21, Lucy was with them. The night after the concert on the 13th in Rochester Hills, Michigan, videos in which Lucilla appeared during Lauren Fuller’s birthday celebration at the hotel for dinner. On the 14th in Noblesville, Indiana, during Gonna Get Better and Big Bad Wolf Lauren smiled in Lucy’s direction who was in the audience. On the 18th in Virginia Beach, Virginia, a fan met Laucy in a movie theater restroom, taking a selfie with Lauren (C posted a picture of her in the dark with the words of Bad Things “don’t think that I can explain it” the same night).

- On September 4 and 5 Lucippe returned. On the 5th in Houston, Texas, the famous ‘super HD’ video took place in which Lauren danced Big Bad Wolf for Lucy, even pointing to her during her verse. [On September 6, Midland, Texas, during the Q&A, Lauren wore the same dress that Lucy was wearing to the concert the night before, and at the same time, she sat next to C and got jealous when C complimented a fan by sending her flying kisses. Ahh… The irony]

Now. Let’s move on to the part of the podcast where Lauren explains about the kiss with Lucza at her uncle and aunt’s wedding, how her aunt “super innocently” posted the pictures on Facebook that her “unreal invasive fans” found and posted, how Perez Hilton outed her to the world by posting an article with those pictures, how she did nothing for a week, and that after thinking “Ok, it happened. People know. What am I gonna do?”, she wrote that letter against Trump as her own way of coming out.

On November 4, 2016, Lauren and Lucynda did the ‘famous’ photoshoot in New Orleans called ‘Bare With Me’. Lauren flew to NOLA right after Halloween, got back to Miami to vote, then returned to New Orleans on the 10th along with her family for the wedding. Lucianna was also with her on the 10th for the rehearsal/bowling with all of Lauren’s relatives. Meanwhile Orange Trumpeter was elected on the 8th, and many celebrities were preparing to write a letter through Billboard against him and his supporters. Labels and management saw it as a perfect opportunity to get her to come out also considering how much Lauren has always been vocal on the subject, and THEY contacted Billboard to get her to participate in exchange of the exclusive of her coming out. All that was missing was the evidence to make sure that there had been no connection with Camila, and that was the reason for the kiss at the wedding on the 11th.

On November 13, the wedding photographer posted those pictures on his website, including the one of the kiss. And I’m sorry, Lolo, I love you but, really? Who are you kidding? The pictures didn’t start spreading because her ‘unreal invasive fans’ found them on her aunt’s Facebook page where she’d posted them ‘super innocently’. The pictures started spreading after the photographer posted them! And you know what’s even more funny? That to see those pictures on the website, you needed an access password. So what are you saying here, Lo? That your ‘unreal invasive fans’ were so good, to even have hacked their way into the website for pictures they didn’t even know existed? It wasn’t your team, was it? Oh, okay. My bad.

Sarcasm aside. The pictures started to spread, Perez tweeted about it on the 14th, and in the meantime Lauren had time to write the letter that was approved by the labels and sent to Billboard (on the 14th), who approved it a couple of days after it was sent (on the 16th), and which they then published it in the article two days later (on the 18th). In all of this, on November 15, 2016, the girls all went to Epic’s party. Since we know very well that most of the cases of coming out as bisexual in the industry made by a female celebrity occur in succession with the connection with a guy, that night there was the PR proposal between Typo Dolour Signal and Lauren that he obviously accepted, and in fact, he was there that night at that party too (Picture of C with a tear mark on her cheek).

Now, the icing on the cake of the Laucy’s PR: Nicole Cartolano. Nicole is a friend of Lecy’s with whom she had already worked together and who also posted pictures of Lauren on November 17 and 22, 2016, one on December 31, 2016, together with Marian Hill taken backstage after Lauren’s performance with them on the 30th, the night before, for the Snow Globe Festival in South Lake Tahoe, California, and the one of Laucy (with the piñata) on January 10, taken the same night to celebrate Lucilia’s birthday at midnight and that Lauren also used to post it for wish her a happy birthday. That was the last public interaction between the two. *Slow entry of Tympans Dollhouse Signalized in the picture from January 4, 2017, thanks to that tweet*.

On January 21, 2017, Lauren and Lucy were at the same Women’s March, but separately (single), and we haven’t seen them together anymore. LuBYE. On March 22, 2017, both ‘Bare With Me’ and the interview article Nicole did with MTV News (she confirmed that Laucy had been together by having an on-again, off-again for years and also said a lot of other bullshit like the fact that the girls were nervous because they didn’t know how their parents would’ve responded) came out. On August 13, 2018, Nicole officially apologized to Lucy for being angry with her for posting the pictures and therefore for having outed her and for having taken part in the MTV interview without their permission. There was also the screenplay made by Nicole’s mom to make everything even more true.

Bullshit on bullshit on bullshit. Number 1, Lauren herself confirmed in this podcast that her parents knew about her, and said how much she loved Lucre’s ‘I’m out and proud’ part.

Number 2, Nicole posted a preview of the pictures on March 18, 2017, so if she really wanted to stop her before the publication on the 22nd, she would’ve had time to do so.

Number 3, Lucita came out publicly on her own with that Spanish post on Instagram on November 20, 2016, saying in summary that she was anything but straight because she didn’t want to label herself (she did it years later by saying she was a lesbian).

Number 4, as Lusia also confirmed in that post where Nicole’s mom left that comment, Nicole signed a non-disclosure agreement form. If she had actually violated it without having had a release and written consent form, she would’ve been sued.

Number 5, if Luciferase really wanted to have that conversation in private with Nicole’s mom, she might very well have done so. She could’ve contacted her and answered her IN PRIVATE for real, and not via IG where EVERYONE saw and took the side of poor, poor Luckless.

Number 6, the biggest proof that shows the hypocrisy of all this, Lucasta continued to work with Nicole. Their last work dates back to November 25, 2019.

Okaay, sure… sure, because it was normal for her to continue working with the person who outed her, wasn’t it? People’s lies never cease to amaze me. For that matter, Nicole also posted a picture of their ‘adventure’ as they made their way to the photoshoot location on November 1, 2017, and continued to wish them both a happy birthday with posts every year.

And lastly, on June 6, 2020, we have the Lucerne’s video leaked (+ old pictures and videos of 5H) where she burned pictures of Lauren and of the two of them together in 2017, accompanied by the tweets occurred two days later, in which she explained that she was hacked and that she burned the pictures for a closure. Then, exactly 20 days later, that is on June 26, 2020, the PAPER Magazine article of Lauren’s interview came out. What a coincidence! In that article, Lauren explained, along with other things, that she’d been in love with her best friend for 7 years.

Lauren, honey, the maths, the maths… If according to your words you fell in love with her at 15, got together with her at 18, and broken up at 20, how can these be 7 years? It’s 5 years… And as if it wasn’t enough, still according to your words, after 1 year and 8 months (from mid-May 2015 to mid-January 2017), 2 months of which public because of the wedding pictures, of the relationship you wanted at all costs, “all in” and “now we’re gonna be in this relationship”, you broke up with her because she was really toxic, and after less than a month, you started dating an even more toxic person without the proper time to heal?? How do you expect me to believe you? And I’m putting aside the fact that I know they’re both PR relationships. I’m speaking out of logic. How? How can I believe you? How does this make any sense?

Personally, yes, I believe Lauren and Lucy have a past. Lauren’s first kiss was when she was 13 (8th grade) with her boyfriend at the time, Dominic, but I think Lucy was her first kiss with a girl. And I think it happened when she was 15, but in 2011, so long before Lucy left. Lauren dated Paul Martinez from June 4, 2011, to the end of July (around 23/24). From after Paul, until her very first PR at X-Factor, Keaton Stromberg, she was single. I truly believe that before she met Camila, Lauren and Lucy did everything Lauren said. I really believe Lauren experimented with her in secret, but I don’t believe in anything else she said at all.

This is my opinion. And in my opinion, Lauren always knew she was queer, and Lucy was the first with whom she could experience the attraction and the feelings towards girls she had always felt and concealed deep inside herself. But they were friends. Just friends. Friends who messed around and experimented together in secret given the environment that surrounded them. Lucy then returned to live in Puerto Rico and they simply drifted apart because of the distance and Lauren’s busy schedule with 5H. When she came back into Lauren’s life, they rekindled their friendship. Just that. Also because, Camila, hello? Camila entered Lauren’s heart the same year Lucy left and never get out of it. Not to mention that Lucy had a girlfriend, Sarah Scott Narcise, before getting together with Nicole Marie Rendón in March 2017. I honestly think that Lucy was also giving advice to Lauren about her relationship with Camila, and I also think that now they really aren’t friends anymore for something we don’t know about, even though I have my theories… But anyway. Lauren needed a beard to be able to come out, Lucy needed visibility for her modeling career and, at the time, also for her music which, however, never saw the light of day. The labels approved because they would’ve done anything to keep their chosen one out of the gay light. Camila also approved. Boom, PR.

I don’t believe all the other bullshit she said during the podcast. Because if they’d been true, they would’ve made logical sense. A sense they’ve been trying, and failing, to give for years. If Lauren really didn’t want to come out, she wouldn’t have done a photoshoot with Lucy a week before the wedding with the intention of using that same photoshoot to come out. She would not have kissed Lucy in a public place during the wedding pictures in front of a professional photographer hired for the event, knowing full well that those pictures would eventually have been published by the bride and groom, her aunt and uncle, and the photographer himself. If she wanted so badly a picture of her kissing her girlfriend, drunk or not, she would’ve taken her fucking phone and take selfies. It wasn’t the fans’ or Perez’s fault. It was the management that was following the plan.

And I’m supposed to, what exactly? Forget all these things, things that have been proofed multiple times in the past, because Lauren, or Camila, or management, or labels, or their contracts, must continue with their stupid narrative? Because Camila must continue to look straight and continue to look in love with Shalt Menstruated because the señorito is about to release his documentary and his album? Because Camila’s movie is about to come out? Because Lauren’s own album is about to be released and because the subject matter of her female-pronounced songs must only and exclusively be related to Lucy? (Although I think her album will be out next year. I think a song with female pronunciation is coming out soon. And no, I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s Burning)

Guys, come on…

Think about it. She used Lucy as a shield to tell part of her story with Camila that happened in 2014. It all fits. Even the story told through songs from Camila’s cocky POV, including ‘Like Friends Do’, ‘Eyes on You’, ‘Cleopatra’, ‘Leave for Good’, and a couple from her last album like ‘Should’ve Said It’ and ‘Feel It Twice’.

I understand why many of you have been hurt by this podcast and by Lauren herself. I understand why a lot of you are angry about the things she said. I see you, I understand, I really do. And everyone is free to feel whatever they want, I’m not saying otherwise. But I really don’t understand why you’re hiding or why you’re abandoning the ship. Authors who don’t wanna write anymore. Accounts closed. Names changed. Hope lost. This, all this, makes me angry and hurt. Because you fell for it. And you know why you fell for it? Because Lauren changed her approach. Leaving aside the part just before when she said: “Even when I talk about it, and I don’t talk about it because I’ve learned to just ignore it because-” and there, I swear I had to pause because I burst out laughing, and I was like: “Bitch, you’re the one who pulled this out of your ass out of nowhere right this second, what are you saying?”. She went on by saying, and she knows us so well because of this: “I just chose to ignore it at a certain point because getting angry to them would it mean that it was real and validate it more for them”.

And it’s true. This non-angry approach of hers, worked like a charm. Lauren’s older, she’s more mature than before. Although she was very nervous, she managed to explain everything calmly. The fact that she was emotional and almost cried in many parts, it really gave an extra boost to what she tried to sell. And I’m not saying she faked almost crying. Hell, no. That was super true and hard for her. I’m saying though, that it’s really easy to manipulate people’s minds, and Lauren used her real pain, the real suffering she has gone through over the years to tell this charade. That’s why it seemed so real. And I’m supposed to fall for that shit just because that’s what they’ve wanted for years, right? Convenient much?

Guys, please. You’re smarter than that, use those beautiful brains. For example, the fact that Lauren said: “I was queer, but she was not”, wrong as you want it to be, and “Camila and I were just really good friends at that time”, yeah, sure, Jan. Doesn’t the very fact that she used the past tense make you realize that it was done to completely detach herself from her IN THE PRESENT? Everything she said was for something. Everything had a purpose. And the goal is always the same. Make us stop shipping ‘em. Putting a label on C only served the Shoestoremila purpose, nothing else. And those were words that came out of the mouth of the one who says she doesn’t like labeling people. The same one who was pissed that someone had outed her before she wanted to. Do you really think she’s that hypocritical?

The fact that she put all the CS in the same box, especially when she talked about the Daddy situation, WAS DONE ON PURPOSE. She couldn’t fail to generalize because their purpose is, and will be for a long time to come, to kill Camren. That means the whole fandom. Not just invasive elements. But really all the CS. The purpose was to make us feel guilty. The purpose is to make us accept that it was never real, and since we care about them, to make us continue to support them individually and not as a couple, even though she knows that the real CS do it regardless. This, is called manipulation, guys.

Think about everything else too. The inconsistency. The holes in her story. The lack of explanations. And the fact that during the story of how it all happened, she jumped from one theme to another and therefore managed to deflect and not completely finish one before moving on to the other, doesn’t it make you understand that she didn’t want to give too many details? And when does that usually happen? She knew we’d analyze her. She knew she couldn’t say too much. When she talked about Lucy, she knew that WE know she was talking about Camila, and with too many details, it would also have been obvious to the others because WE would’ve pointed it out to everyone. I mean, it’s obvious enough in itself, imagine if she’d fed us more information that we would’ve compared in the timeline.

Please, guys. I know that it feels like something’s changed, but it’s not. It’s really not. I’m appealing to all of you. Open your eyes. Reason. I know many of you still have conflicting emotions and feelings, and that’s okay. If you’re still upset, if you still wanna cry, then cry. Do whatever helps you feel better because, especially after the haters have come to bite your asses, you’re entitled to feel the way you do. But please, please, don’t give up. If you give up, you just play their game. You just do them a favor. You guys had invested so much of your time, so much of your passion, so much of yourselves to just, give up. Think of all we’ve been through, especially those who’ve been in the fandom for years. Think about how happy Camren makes you. They were there for you when you needed them. When you were going through hard times. I know they’ve helped a lotta people.

And think about this too. Lauren herself said at the beginning of the podcast: “The news and the media are constantly spinning narratives for your clicks so they can make money”. And what do you think this podcast was for? It’s always the same shit. Have you not noticed how the very same news and media have ALL talked about them? Didn’t you notice how My Oh My magically returned into the charts? How 50ft surpassed the 9 million streams on Spotify? And you still have doubts?

This is instead for the CS who get often angry about their actions. I personally think it’s pointless to blame Lauren and Camila for every single thing they do that has been PLANNED for them. Especially Camila as far as Shonas is concerned. There’s a pattern here too. Lauren had her light PR with Lucia. Lauren then had her heavy PR with Typic Dole Sight while Camila had a light one with Eatchu. And now Camila’s having a heavy one. C’s one is heavier simply because they’re much more famous than PRen (Tyren) were. So, guys, be patient. There’s really no point in getting angry and blaming them. It’s a waste of energy. It’s useless to blame them if they’re gonna continue to do so over the years to come. They’re just still trying to get past their original contracts and survive in the industry at the same time. Sooner or later, I HOPE, they will be free to tell the truth or the truth will come out on its own.

Well, I’m done. Jeez, that was long, wasn’t it? But I hope it was worth it. I hope I’ve cleared your heads a little bit and instilled some hope again. I also hope I made you smile with all those nicknames and my sarcasm. I especially hope that wherever you are, you’re having a good day, and if not, then I hope it has improved at least a little bit with this post. And thank you so much, Stuck. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use my voice for the first time publicly/virtually. You, above all, keep on being one of the lights and NEVER let them turn you off. I love you guys. Stay safe. Stay strong. Stay patient. With love, F.

I leave you with these two pearls:

Number 1. Lauren said something else too. She said: “Don’t trust me. Go research. Go look this shit up yourself”. I know she said it for a completely different context, but I found it really funny given the situation.

Number 2. This is a small scene that automatically created itself in my head as soon as I finished listening to Wonder. I titled it: The sad and short story of the making of ‘Wonder’.

Enjoy:

*on the phone*

Shawl Mendicant: “Hey, buddy. I know you were a huge Fifth Harmony fan and I know you love my fake girlfriend, so I was thinking… could you help me? You know, I need her to stay relevant, but to do that, I also need to release music and completely take all the credit from other people because, you know, the most I do is change a sentence or two in my style to make people think that I wrote all my songs.”

Sam Smith: “………okay?”

Shawnita Menorrhagia: “So, I was wondering, can I copy your homework? You can totally refuse if you want to, but I’m hoping to appeal to the love you have for 5H and Camila, and maybe help a friend out?”

Sam Smith: “Yeah, sure, you can copy my homework. Anything for my girls. Just, change it up a bit so it doesn’t sound too obvious you just copied it.”

Shonas Mended: “Don’t worry. I’ve got this. Thanks, man.” - *ends the call*

Sam Smith looking at the phone with an incredulous expression and one hand over his heart: “I came out as a non-binary, you insensitive asshole!”

Shoes Mentionable from the other room: “Cameeela! He said yes!” *reaching then Camila and Lauren in the living room where Lauren is lying with her head resting on Camila’s legs who’s running her fingers through her hair with one hand and holding the book that she’s reading with the other one* “You were right, all I had to do was mention you girls.”

Lauren chuckling and continuing to pet Cleo who’s lying at the foot of the couch with one hand: “Told you”, to then adding: “And please, I know you’re excited because of the news but keep your voice down”, continuing to caress Sofi’s head who’s sleeping on top of her with the other one.

Shapeless Mentality: “Oh, sorry.”

Camila without looking away from her book: “Sam’s really nice. I’m sure they would’ve said yes even without the need of mentioning us.”

Lauren: “Hmm, I’m not so sure about that, babe. Yes, they’re very nice, but we’re powerful in their minds, so it was an added incentive for them to say yes.”

Shaved Mentholated: “Who are they? Weren’t we talking about Sam?”

Camila who was giggling at her girlfriend’s words:

Lauren:

Sinu from the kitchen:

Cleo who was nibbling her toy:

Even Thunder, Leo, and Eugene from outside into the yard:

*the end*

Chon Mendable: ‘Wonder’ - Sam Smith: ‘One Last Song’

____

OMG I am speechless. I’m really still digesting this whole story because it’s amazing but I wanted to start by saying hello to you and telling you my name, my name is Marite. It is a pleasure to meet you dear friend. I don’t want to write too much because your words are much more important than mine but I wanted to thank you for trusting me and my blog to tell me your story. That side of the story that, being new and not having been a harmonizer from the beginning, I never learned. I intended to ask for more information about Laucy’s Timeline but what you have told is a gem. A gem that shows that the bastards of the industry cannot fool the fans because we pay attention to everything and it is not easy for us to fall for their shit. I think the power we fans have is so great that if we all came together, we could bring down this whole fucking fake empire that they have created. That said, Laucy’s story is surprising. As planned and how each person involved had to do their part on the chessboard. Incredible. Now that you tell me that story, I think it fits the one I wrote in my once upon a time post. Sure, yours is true and has everything that mine doesn’t. I have tried to keep this blog open for all who wish to come and air their ideas, their thoughts, their tea. And you dear friend, you have been one of the best so far. You’ve given us that support that the fandom so badly needed and I really appreciate it. I also appreciate your humor, the nicknames have been so hilarious and I’m still laughing. Thank you for daring to tell this part of the story and reopen the can of worms of a PR that right now resurfaces with that Lauren interview. With a purpose, it’s true. And something tells me that we will see much more very soon. Thank you for your support, my friend. And you know, you have my blog at your disposal for whatever you need. And if you need to talk or anything else. I greatly appreciate that we can continue to keep this ship afloat among ourselves. Among a group of intelligent people who have been hurt by someone we have always loved very much even though we know the reason for all that. We can’t give up now because if we do it like you say they will win and I personally don’t plan to indulge them in that. Thank you very much for all dear friend and I hope you have a nice day. I send you a hug and I hope you stay safe.

#submission #laucy timeline #amazing #thanks you buddy #camren #f anon

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geshertzarmeod · 3 years

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Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro. I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden. This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine. When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

#red white and royal blue #aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe #osemanverse #star wars #queer books #lgbtq books #books #alice oseman #miri personal #wow this took so long but was so worth it!#long post #book recs #PS: if you've read any of these or have questions about any of these books #this is your formal invitation to talk to me about them!!!! even if i don't know you at all!#even if i don't follow you and even if you don't follow me!#my ask box is open anon is on!#original content

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ellewritesathing · 3 years

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Faking It - Epilogue

Summary: You’d done plenty of dumb things in your life, but the dumbest had to be picking Greendale’s latest bad-boy to pretend to be your boyfriend.

Masterlist Part 6 | Epilogue

Word-count: 2.3k+

A/N: okay so about a million years ago @corishirogane3 sent me the cutest headcanon for this series and i had to make it canon. i’ve rewritten the ending so much that i’m not sure how i feel about it anymore but!! i wanted to post this sugary sweet ending after my finals so 💕💕 i hope you guys like it

Caliban hated birthdays. His mother would always try her hardest to make each year better than the last, with more outrageous parties in the hopes that he would forget he was a bastard whose father cared more about his reputation than his son. It never worked.

Kinkle: Happy Bday man! You’re still an asshole but I’m glad we’re friends again

As if his childhood confusion wasn’t hard enough, Caliban’s teenage angst almost burned everything to the ground. He was angry at his family for abandoning him and his mother, at the people around him for being conceited and boring, and at California for being too goddamn sunny.

Theo: happy birthday to my gay awakening 💕

Birthdays made Caliban infinitely aware of his precarious loneliness in the world. He’d stopped telling people when his birthday was long ago, but somehow they’d find out and ruin his plans to spend the day alone and screaming at the sky. Year after year, it was just the same hollow wishes from people who didn’t really care about him.

Rosalind ✨: happy birthday old man. i got you a haunted portrait so you don’t wrinkle

But this year was different. Caliban still wasn’t sold on the perfect greeting card birthday, but he’d been less angry since moving back to Greendale. Dating you - real or not - meant he got a group of friends as part of the deal, and the lot of you had extorted his birthday to draw up his astral chart. Apparently, he was an Aries sun, Capricorn moon - whatever the fuck that meant.

Sabrina: Happy Birthday Cal 💞

Still, Caliban could move across the country and collect as many friends as he liked, but he wasn’t sure if he’d ever enjoy his birthday.

With a sigh, Caliban threw off his covers and padded across to his closet. He pulled out his usual dark clothes and scrounged around for his leather jacket before realizing he’d loaned it to you. He smiled to himself and set to make himself presentable.

This first hour of his birthday was always spent alone. It was one of the many birthday traditions he and Isobel shared, along with birthday pancakes, ditching the last half of school, and triple chocolate cake with Sour Patch Kids stuck to the icing. He was thankful for all the things his mother did for him, but that first dose of silence and solitude was crucial if he was going to deal with all the birthday bullshit that lay ahead.

Caliban’s phone dinged with yet another notification and he stopped in the middle of the hallway to dig his phone out of his pants pocket. Sure, Caliban talked a big game about hating birthdays but he still checked every text he got, hoping for ... something.

Fitch: Happy non-birthday to the best not fake boyfriend I’ve ever had ❤️ I love you and I’ll see you soon

He always read the texts, but he almost never responded. He leaned against one of the door frames and started typing something in the way of a reply. The only problem was that Caliban was only gifted in the way of words when he was lying, and he never wanted to lie to you. Caliban sighed and locked his phone without sending anything. He’d figure out what to say once his stomach was full of pancakes.

Expecting to come downstairs to the low hum of Isobel singing along to music, the smells of cinnamon, sugar, and melted chocolate, and one very messy kitchen, Caliban was surprised when he reached the bottom stair and heard your voice. Everything else was as expected, but you stood out among all the chaos.

“Is this okay?” you asked quietly.

Isobel stopped her humming for a second. “Oh, yeah! That’s perfect, sweetheart.”

The pancake batter sizzled in the pan and Caliban decided to brave the kitchen. It was still as messy as always, but there you stood, clad in a borrowed, sunflowered apron and brandishing a spatula.

Since you and Isobel were whispering and watching the pancakes rise with your back turned to the entrance, Caliban walked over as quietly as he could and got a better look at the assortment of toppings on the counter. He'd just bitten into one of the strawberries when you turned to grab something off the counter.

You jumped sky-high and Caliban laughed. “Jesus. How long have you been there?” you asked.

“Long enough.” Caliban tried to sound nonchalant, which was difficult to do with all his curiosity. His cool facade was also ruined by Isobel rushing around the island to hug him and kiss his cheeks.

Isobel settled slightly after sitting Caliban down on one of the stools and promising to be right back with his present.

With your new-found solitude, Caliban turned to with an amused smile. “When you said you’d see me soon, I didn’t think you meant quite so soon,” he said. He reached for another strawberry.

You were happy to have caught him off-guard. “That’s kind of the point of a surprise.” You turned back to the stove to keep the pancake from burning but looked over your shoulder to add, “I mean, I can leave if it’s a problem?”

“You would deprive me of your company on my birthday?”

You set a plate in front of Caliban that had a single, oddly shaped chocolate-chip pancake. “I'd never dream of it, Abercrombie.” You took a step back, pulled out a knife and fork, and set it in front of him. “Tell me how it tastes?”

Caliban cut a piece and held his fork out to you.

“No way. That’s your birthday pancake.”

“You would really make me beg on my birthday?”

“You can’t play that card the whole day-”

“Yes, I can. Because it’s my-”

“Don’t say it-”

The word was on the tip of his tongue, but Caliban didn’t get the chance to play his birthday card another time because Isobel rushed back into the room holding a wrapped present and grinning wildly.

Isobel set the present down on the stool next to Caliban and tapped the top. “I know you don’t like opening them in front of anyone, but I couldn’t wait.” She tapped the gift again before reaching out and squeezing his hand. “Happy birthday, my love.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Caliban said in a low voice. Isobel gave him the sad smile she always did on his birthday and he gave her the matching smile he always did.

Your voice broke both of them out of their birthday stupor. “Well, I’ve got to get going or I’ll be late.” You untied the knot behind your back as you spoke before lifting the apron over your head. “I just wanted to stop by to steal a few legendary birthday pancakes and drop off the scavenger hunt stuff.”

“I’m sorry, would you repeat that?” Caliban asked, sounding as saintly as he could.

Isobel laughed. “Your brilliant girlfriend figured out how to give you a special birthday while letting you spend the whole day by yourself.” She wrapped an arm around Caliban’s shoulders and looked over at you. “There are clues and activities all over town and you can only come back once you’ve finished them all.”

As intriguing as a day spent on his own seemed, Caliban couldn’t help but feel like there was a catch coming. “And what about my daily need for education?”

“I thought you were a fan of more alternate education,” you teased. You leaned over and ate another bite of pancake. “Don’t tell me you’re going soft in your old age.”

Caliban gave a short laugh. “I said no such thing.”

You smiled. “Your mom promised to give you the first clue after your first pancake stack. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Caliban nodded, suddenly unsure of how to respond. He was bad at receiving gifts at the best of times, and this gift was personal and bestowed upon him in front of his mother. It was an awkward set of circumstances. “Thank you,” he said softly as he hugged you goodbye.

“Of course.” You kissed his cheek and disappeared out of the kitchen after waving goodbye to Isobel.

Once you were gone and Caliban was left with the familiar sounds and smells of the morning of his birthday, he began to think that maybe his opinion on birthdays needed a bit of changing.

---

Though he’d only participated in a few scavenger hunts, Caliban was competitive and he was relentless. He tore through clue after clue in the same ravenous fashion that a pack of wolves would their next meal, though he tried to savor it as best his hunger would allow. Every handwritten clue was kept, every souvenir pocketed, and every moment memorized. He didn’t want to waste the most thoughtful gift he’d ever been given just because he was an impatient bastard.

But, as he stared at his suspiciously dark house, he wondered if he should have taken it a bit slower. The last clue had hinted at something waiting for him at the house, and his desire to finish the scavenger hunt waged war on his hatred of birthday parties. He was just about to put the car in reverse and dart into the street when your head popped around a curtain. You ducked inside at such a speed when your eyes met his that Caliban laughed at the mental image of you crashing into a lamp and trying to play it off.

In the end, neither his desire nor hatred lured him into the depths of his birthday party. His bizarre inclination to do anything and everything you wanted drew him in.

So, Caliban showed up at his party. He wore a party hat, played nice with the other kids, and blew out the candles on his cake. All in all, it should have been the perfect end to his perfect day. But even with all your careful planning, there was no accounting for the bullshit hole in Caliban’s chest that always left him feeling empty.

When the hole in his chest got too big, Caliban sneaked up the stairs, ducked into his room, and slipped out the window. He wasn’t running away - though the thought did cross his mind - but he just needed some fresh air. Harvey’s laughter mingled with that of his other friends and the laugh tracks of bad movies, drifting through the open window to the warmth of the April night. Still, there wasn’t enough fresh air in the world to fix him.

“Hey!”

Caliban twisted around to see you popping your head out of his bedroom window. You had a silly grin on your face and your hair was falling all over your face. The hole in Caliban’s chest got a little smaller. Your smile softened as you tilted your head to mirror his.

“Hey, you wanna get out of here?”

“Aren’t you worried about missing the party?” Caliban asked.

You shrugged. “Roz and Theo ate all the good snacks so it’s pretty lame anyway.” Caliban laughed and you flashed him another smile. “Come on, Abercrombie, you really gonna make me climb on the roof to come get you?”

Caliban let out a long whistle and adjusted to get a better look at you. “I’d like to see you try, but careful - it’s slippery out here.”

“Stop being an asshole and let’s get out of here before someone notices we’re gone.”

Grinning, Caliban rolled over and held a hand out to you. There was no need to be so secretive, really, but sneaking down his mother’s carefully cultivated trellis was half the fun. Caliban squashed some hydrangeas on the way down, you tumbled into him after getting your foot stuck, and the two of you were left breathless for a moment before rushing to the car so no one would discover your attempted prison break.

Giddy as you turned onto the freeway, the two of you laughed with the windows down and music blaring. Caliban didn’t think his birthday could get any better than it already was, but that moment with you was his favorite part. Or at least, it was until you started complaining about wasting away and you pulled into a diner for something to eat - then he found a new favorite moment.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“You know what.” You tilted your head. “Is this because of the fry thing? I’m telling you, if you just try it then you’ll like it.”

Caliban laughed and shook his head at ‘the fry thing,’ also known as your insistence to dip your fries in whatever milkshake you had on the day. “I’m not trying it.”

“You’re a coward.”

“You can’t say that to me. It’s my birthday.”

“You hate birthdays.”

“Still.”

Rolling your eyes, you pushed the plate of fries over to him. “Try it once, okay? And you’ll see it’s the perfect combination of salty and sweet, hot and cold, yummy and delicious.”

Caliban couldn’t help it. He’d been putting it off for almost a year now, and it just didn’t feel right to say no to you after everything you’d done for him today. Plus, you were cute when you got your way. So, he reached out and dipped a fry in the milkshake.

Annoyingly, it was everything you’d said and more. Despite the sugary, fried high he was bound to be on in a few minutes, Caliban knew the best part of this whole endeavor would be to see your sickeningly smug face when he admitted defeat.

You’d turned him into a cheesy cliche. He was disgustingly romantic, he carried your books between classes, and had your coffee order memorized. Because you were the sweet to his salty, the brave to his reckless, the Fitch to his Abercrombie.

And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Tagged: @t-a-i-l-o-r-m-a-d-e @miss--moose @marrypuffsstuff @harryscarolinaa @igorsbby @foji2000 @hxlalokidottir @artaxerxesthegreat @thxmagic @strawberriesandknives @xealia @hotmessindisguise @acciomaximoff @reheated-coffee @shelby-x @perseny-blog @millie-753 @luneerius @shizzybarnaclee @lettherebelovex @throughparisallthroughrome @ietss @thebookwormlife @mechanicalanimalz @mariamermaid @nqbmf @caliban-is-my-girl @shephard17895 @andie-kathleen @clockworks-world-to-fandoms @luquincy @marina468 @olivia-west-allen @drrramaaaqweeen @roxytheimmortal @blondeeee-e @piensa-bonito

#caos #Chilling Adventures of Sabrina #Faking it #Caliban

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l0chn3ss · 4 years

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l0chn3ss update

I feel like the last time I ever really active on tumblr was in the year 2016, so i want to address my absence between 2017-2020. Part of it is because I feel like I owe it to my friends and mutuals who I just basically left on read and another part is because I’ve always treated this blog as a personal blog that documents my life and my growth. I put off writing this for a long time but now that I have a huge paper due, now is definitely the time.

You are welcome to skip but I will address a few hard hitting questions I feel should be answered, especially since I feel like I departed like an anti-hero of a bad tv show.

Where I am currently: I am in grad school to obtain a master’s in library and information science. I have a full time job at different middle school libraries, though I work from home now. I also tutor kids on the side to pay for my tuition because I basically make minimum wage. Quarantine messed with my head at first, but now I’m feeling much better and I’m trying to reconnect with friends and close a lot of loose ends.

TLDR: I took an extended break because tumblr mobile sucks and my laptop needed serious repairs. I made a huge migration away from social media in 2018. I prioritized my education and in-person connections, which fell to shit because of my fandom involvement in the past. I did not like the direction of the main fandom I participated in and knew that many of the people I once respected did not respect me in return/ Us versus them mentality. I recognized that I treated my life on tumblr too seriously and took petty drama personally. I am sporadically on tumblr now because I genuinely enjoy the social connection and because I still like running fandom events.

Yes, you can reblog this. I’d love for this narrative to be heard.

Long version: To preface this, this post is being written to give myself closure and because I really am procrastinating on my final big paper of this semester. I’ll be tackling on the points in the tldr in a longer narrative that will appear to be in an expository fashion, which I recognize will be a source of contention, but my intentions are to throw it onto the table so that I can be freed. I can let it go and move on. I’m no longer a 20 years old who cared too much of what other people think and will think; I think differing perspectives are important and I want to give myself a chance to say my piece. That and I recognize that I lost the audience that I once had, so I doubt this will be an issue at all. It’s been 4 or what ever years, let’s just not.

Back in 2015-2016 there was a huge back and forth between three groups of people in the SE fandom. The reason why I’m not listing out the name is because I don’t want this to show up in the tags. I’d say that the three groups could be seen as quite literally the soma shippers (mostly white, demi sexual girls), lgbt centric bloggers (very kid or star oriented, very fed up with soma), and the people who were deemed as alright to soma shippers (c r ona, ste inm arie, jac k im centric people). There was a constant (and understandable) tension between the first two groups while the third was like the weird cousin that everyone in the social circles liked because they sprinkled in soma for the masses. Don’t argue with me on this-- this was literally how the fandom was in 2015 and you know it.

The main issue was that one group felt that they were being inclusive towards identities and sexualities while the other felt that they were not. I remember that one of the arguments was that soma WAS an LGBT ship because people headcanonned the members to be demisexual. However, the other side of the argument was that it wasn’t good representation of a gay pairing. Now that we can look back at this 5 years later, I have two things to say: 1, I now very much understand why the argument broke out because of how heated the topic is, and I do believe that I lean more towards the “other side” now that I’m not wearing rose tinted glasses, but 2, I need to make it clear that demi people are lgbt, but a headcanon is not fact and ship diversity was the main question at hand, not the ship itself. This argument lasted for weeks, destroyed my friendships, and no matter what I felt I did in the moment (which was to mend the fandom), it was taken as an insult.

(Side note: Somethings that I remember was being in someone’s DM’s to encourage them to participate in the large fandom events more, but once they twisted my intentions and rallied their friends, I became their enemy. I also became the mods’ enemy but then again, when was I not? I was made fun of for saying “queergender,” a term that is now currently being widely used, quite openly by someone I wanted desperately to be friends with. I was outwardly mocked by popular users who only apologized behind closed doors but didn’t bother to clear things up with their followers. Adults who were in their 30s quite literally attacked a 19 year old. It was in that moment that I realized I would never become friends with either side, and not because I didn’t want to.)

I bring this up because as I begun to stop writing soma fics, I also begun to see and understand why people moved away from it. It wasn’t the ship itself, it was the culture surrounding it. However, on tumblr we have the ability to connect intensely with the content we produce. Therefore, the ship itself began to be connected with the shippers and their attitudes towards outside pairings-- that attitude being tied into elitism.

I say this with every ounce of love I can because I once had the exact same mannerism. When you become so tied into one pairing to the point where other ships appear to threaten the existence of it and you react negatively towards it, you become rancid. The popular tag “everything is soma” takes a very dark turn. Even if readers consume another pairing’s work, they will be obliged to say “I ship soma more BUT that was cute.” They will read an entirely different topic and wonder why soma wasn’t inserted into it in the background. They will reject pairings that separate the two as if breaking them up is sin and an insult.

The only reason why I stopped writing my soma fics in 2016 was because I saw a real need to fill in the gaps of other pairings. I took what people were saying to heart and I wanted to change my ways and my perceptions. I saw the animosity of the ship culture and rejected it. I wanted to use what little influence I had to make the fandom just a bit more accepting. In 2016, I don’t think the fandom was ready for it. In 2017, they still weren’t ready for it. In 2020, I see hope, but I wonder sometimes if it’s masqueraded pity because of previous treatment.

In the middle of it all, I went from being the soma angst master to becoming the weird person everyone once knew. I was the friend that people excluded from group chats and I just “wasn’t the same.” Cliques grew extremely large in power in 2017 and exclusion hurt like a bitch.

The straw that broke the camel’s back and completely shut me down was in 2017 when I was graduating as a bachelor. There was a fandom event that I decided to go all in to. For context, there used to be a huge debate on how many times a person should enter in an event, but in my mind, the more exposure the better. My graduation and the event took place at the exact same time, which was cool, but what hurt me was what happened after.

I was lucky enough to be accepted into field school (when you travel to do outdoor excavating) for my major. I’m an anthropologist-- it was an honor. I didn’t plan in advance for it, and if anything, I thought that I would be committed completely to the events and my 5 or what ever entries at the time. I’ve always prided myself in communicating with others, so I made sure to let my partners in the event know what was going on. I was so excited to be going on my first ever excavation and no one at the time said anything otherwise, in fact, they all seemed incredibly supportive.

What I didn’t know was that I would be called out by name in the event feedback response by one person who felt that I didn’t take the event seriously enough and that I should’ve prioritized my time accordingly. Two of the mods let me know because it referred to me directly, though the name of the submitter was not included. It was not only a slap in the face, but a dumbfound moment that reminded me that wow, fandom content really is someone’s life out there. My enforced silence because of lack of internet in the woods actually upset someone and made them believe that I wronged them, because I put my real life ambitions first before a fandom event.

It was then when I woke up and I remember very clearly thinking to myself: I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to treat my fandom life seriously. I want to participate in fandom for fun, not out of duty. I don’t want to prioritize this life because in the end, if I am hated for putting my work and education first, then I don’t want it.

(For context, I suspect that it was the same person who made a 200 note call out on me during the fandom tension. I respected this person immensely, but I also treated them like the flawed person I believe everyone is. I’m sure because of this, I’m pretty much trash in their eyes, which is totally fine. They have really cute cats so they can’t be all too bad. Don’t look into it too deeply.)

Once my month long field school was up, I was already used to not being on the internet or any of my social media accounts. I didn’t play my mobile games for a month. I didn’t read the news for a month. It was like going cold turkey on the internet, which reshaped my habits entirely. The only time that I had online within that time span was during the weekend, but I spent my time working on my projects and catching up with friends instead of being on apps.

I was also completely fed up with tumblr’s mobile app at the time, so one by one, I deleted my apps. Good bye to tumblr, snapchat, what little I used of instagram, twitter, everything. The only thing I kept was facebook, which was because it is the main platform that I use to message my boyfriend. That meant that any friends I retained from the fandom (who I still contact now) were also friends who had the chance to add me on facebook.

This was the cause of my 2 or 3 year hiatus on tumblr, and therefore the fandom. I occasionally checked back every 6 months to do a few fandom events, but I have several unopened messages and notifications that I haven’t been able to get to. I open my instagram for a few days once a year, and I only go onto twitter if my friends tell me (through facebook) that they dm’d me a post there.

When I left my online persona behind, I quickly strengthened my in person connections. New drama that erupted every other day became replaced with starbucks and boba runs. Reality TV shows replaced fanfiction. Text messages replaced the tumblr activity feed (which still doesn’t work on mobile BTW). I study at cafes unironically with friends instead of typing alone in my room. Overall, it opened my world considerably.

I still like making fun of myself and I try not to take myself seriously. I still make self depreciative memes to send to friends but then double up with kermit heart pics. I’m still a plot bunny, I still write my fics, I still watch my anime, I still play video games, I still sleep at 4am, I still take my depression medication, I still love potatoes, I still use my voice for people who can’t find theirs yet. But I think I’m in a much healthier mindset now, even if I still make stupid shifty posts calling out bad behavior.

Nowadays, I’m working on my Master’s degree in secret. My parents don’t know about it because my mom doesn’t like that I want to go out and do unladylike things like getting an education. I tutor kiddos and I’m really good with younger children, but I’m not going to do anything with kids because I just don’t want to. Instead, I want to work at an archive or a museum to bring my library interests and my anthropology background together. If I had my dream job, I would be a marine archaeologist; however I love my boyfriend of 8 years whom you probably all remember and I really came to terms with my grandeur dreams. I’m extremely happy with living in a small town with loved ones now, and I don’t need to move somewhere far away from my parents to be content. It’s a huge realization.

From 2018 to 2020 I got into actual drama in person while I was job hunting. Adult people suck and honestly it’s kind of embarrassing how ill equipped some people are. Even so, I currently work in middle schools as a media assistant. One of those realms is the library, and honestly it’s like fulfilling a prophecy. As much as I love the social aspect, public schools are an absolute train wreck.

I’m going to wrap this up now. This post is meant to help me close the past and move forward because the fandom culture feels different now. Things from several years ago don’t need to resurface. I want to enjoy my life fully, and fandom life is one of those aspects that I truly did enjoy. I’m going to keep using my voice and act like a fool, but I’m also not going to be losing sleep because of this. People are going to talk about you no matter what, whether positively or negatively, and it’s important to not take it personally.

Idk, go enjoy yourselves. Do things for yourself. It’s more fun that way.

#nessingaround #this was cathartic #huge thank you to my friends who stuck by me and to my friends who welcome me back with open arms #big shout out to my disney girl gang and another big shout out to 'ma girls'#another thank you to my sweethearts on google hang out #and thank you especially to the group of se lgbt users from 2016 who truly did open my eyes to the severity of the fandoms actions #even tho u still hate me and have me blocked hahaha i consider this growth

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thattimdrakeguy · 3 years

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I am very sorry for what you are going through, think that in adittion to that unpleasant people who attack you, there are also many more who enjoy, respect and follow your content, and want the best for you. I really like your reviews and opinions, and although I do not always agree with you, I respect and validate your opinion as much as anyone's because that is to be respectful with others and have common sense.--

--You should not take into account what people who are unable to respect another human being like them say, that they cannot even separate reality from fiction, all for a simple opinion different from theirs about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER, you cannot even take them seriously. If those people need to insult, despise and make someone feel less for a reason like that, it simply speaks of how miserable they are as humans on and off the internet.--

Please don't take into account what these people say, listen to those who appreciate you and show respect. I hope you feel better and I am sorry for what is happening in your life, but you can always forward with your will and the people around you.(Hugs)

I only read these ones this morning, or afternoon more accurately cause I have a very bad sleep schedule for weeks cause I been playing video games too late into the day, but I’m slowly working on it. I’m just really bad at it.

And all I can really say to accurately give my reaction to it, was that it was something I definitely needed to read first thing in the morning. If it wasn’t for those messages yesterday, and a friend helping me out I may not have even been calmed down enough to go to bed at all. I could’ve easily not gone to sleep literally at all and had been even worse today because of it to the point of having another meltdown of a day.

Like I don’t wanna make myself sound too good, because if I did, I’d feel like I was lying, because my mind feels like a bloody nose filled up with tissue paper, if that even makes a darling lick of comprehension.

I find it so entirely weird, and patronizing, and frustrating how the fandom can be, if not worse. Like I say something unpopular, I do it a lot, probably with literally every freaking character. Even Tim, because I know that quite a few Tim fans don’t like me either.

I don’t read every comic and go “Oh this must just be how it works”, because that’s not how my brain is wired. I’m Autistic, I go in-depth, I do a lot of research, that is how I am wired when I get a hyperfixation, I want to know everything. So I say a lot of unpopular stuff because I don’t just accept things, because I don’t work that way.

But it goes like this when it comes to people just being miserable, they have to make me out to either be a bigot or bias, they either don’t even read what I say, or just don’t acknowledge what I say.

My biggest point they will leave out completely to focus on other things that are either completely irrelevant and just there to make me look bad even though it doesn’t really make sense what it has to do anything once you think about it a lick more, or just make me look straight up like a crappy person.

I got really ranty and rambly after this, and I try not to take up people’s dashboards as much. So I’ll put this here. If it’ll work, cause one time I don’t think it did, and it made me panic once cause I felt really bad. But it just would not show up.

Because trying to make a bad face out of a real life living person isn’t that bad, compared to the horrors of having to acknowledge the arcs and actions that their favorite character been through evidentially.

Sorry to say and everything, but I don’t see how on Earth Tim cheating on Ariana has anything to do with a literal whole other arc of Steph being abusive and doing really horrible things, or all those “teases” that were actually flirts that were making Tim genuinely uncomfortable to the point of sexual harassment, and told her not to do, which she didn’t actually always listen to sometimes, surprisingly to some. I also don’t see why it’s so hard to comprehend that Tim kissing Steph just because he got ahead of himself because he was euphoric he was about to die, yet it was made clear he didn’t do sexually or romantically, isn’t as bad (comparatively because it’s still insanely inappropriate and weird, but I wouldn’t call him a pervert over it) to me as Steph literally pinning Tim down during a gun fight to kiss him against his will, or taking advantage of Tim believing she was dead and giving her CPR to do it again. Like I don’t really see why saying “Just read the comics” has to do with anything, because I don’t have the art skills to just make all those panels up like that. Which by the way, I don’t give a single fuck about what bad thing Steph has done. I don’t like her because a lot of her stories are badly written, and a lot of her fans are straight up assholes. Which they conveniently ignore, because I must be villainized, because they can’t handle me acknowledging something that isn’t their idealized image. But let me also state that there are assholes in literally every fandom, I just have certain ones that decide to be assholes to me. And I don’t remember the part where I said teasing was bullying either. I can’t find that on my list of thoughts in my brain. Almost like they don’t actually know how I think or what I meant.

And I don’t know why on Earth Tim not trusting Damian to the point of being kind of scummy has much to do with Damian doing horrid things in comics they like as well. They’re their own separate people ya know? I’m not comparing characters, because I’m not actually trying to shit on the characters you should realize. Not every negative thing is formed out of toxicity. Toxic positivity where people act like not just enjoying everything is so bad is actually a thing. And I see it quite often in fandoms, and it comes from a good place, but my goodness, just let people express themselves sometimes. It’s not going to hurt anybody as long as they’re not actually an asshole or you just have a fragile ego.

It seems pretty irrelevant to me. Implying that I hate the characters because of these actions is also pretty dumb to me as well, because that’s not the case nor how it works. They keep acting like me not acknowledging the bad thing Tim does in the same posts is some showing of my bias, but no, I just view it as fucking irrelevant, because I do bring up when Tim does something bad when ever it is relevant. It is that simple. I think the only time I’ve ever even could truly come across as trying to baby and defend Tim was me saying Tim cheating on Ari with Steph was out of character, which I still hold that opinion too, but I don’t simply make shit up, I just notice how rushed it was, and how it goes against how Tim is about morals, Steph, and his literal stance on cheating. Stuff that you would actually judge what’s in or out of character on.

I just give everything the same standard. I’ve never denied Tim wasn’t passive aggressive or conscending to anyone, or has violated privacy, or was immature. If I had it was probably me caught up in the moment, and pretty weird, because I’ve actively talked about it before.

And I’m referencing stuff in the past with these oddly specific examples, that hasn’t bugged me truly in a while, but when I find a new example of stuff, I can’t help but have it come back to mind and make me question how people got to just be shivery little jerks over things like made-up characters.

I’ve acknowledged the fact that my blog was too anti-Steph plenty of times, even as it was happening, because it was mostly through anons and not me. Some of which I defended Steph on. I just had too much anxiety not responding to them, because I’d feel a sense of guilt for ignoring someone. Which I’m over and past.

I’m not going to be held down by stuff I already corrected about myself.

It’s been so heavily implied to me before, that groups just talk mad shit about me, and made up this horrendous little reputation for me among themselves, and it is so disheartening, considering I’m just this baby faced geek that read too many comics, simply explaining stuff that had happened in actual comics without actual bias. I don’t run DC Comics. I’m just a blogger that they really really don’t like, and take it as a personal attack of some kind, at least going off of how they act.

Maybe it’s what I get for expecting people to treat fiction as fiction and not a big freaking deal when I say something or don’t say something, because they’d understand the context I’m trying to explain literal events in comics as they are, and other things that happened in other situations have no relevance to what I’m saying, because I’m not making a bashing piece like they seem to think.

I know I take fiction very seriously, because I just really want good content again. But I don’t make real life people’s lives miserable. Do ya think I talk shit about Bendis all the time? Not really. I’ve genuinely probably sang his praises more than otherwise. I think Tynion’s the closest example of when I could’ve, but that was years ago at this point. I’ve made it so much more clearer it’s about the comics than them, because simply I’ve realized how scummy it is to mock an actual person, who’s probably actually a really cool guy to know. Do I fuck that up sometimes, probably. But I’m definitely not telling him to kill himself.

If they can’t acknowledge what I actually say, and continue to just try to make me look bad. I don’t personally view myself as the bad one. That’d be utterly redundant.

It always boils down to that I just acknowledge stuff they refuse to, and they just play ignorant about, and pretend they just can’t possibly understand why anyone would say it. I didn’t pull the stuff out of my ass, I have the panels. I didn’t skip anything out. At most I just don’t find the excuses they have to be freaking relevant or over power the action at hand or sometimes the literal motivation she/he had going into it.

And it’s 100% okay, but even though this is a space on the internet, and I’m practically a loser shut in. I still live in the real world and when I’m not having a bad anxiety attack or whatever else, I try to be as reasonable as possible.

I just look at it, look at the context and past contexts, look at the motivations, judge it for what I see, and move on. And never consider it a big deal until someone else makes a big deal about it.

I don’t even view every person that does it against me to be a bad person, some of them most definitely are because they go too far with it, but some of them literally have no idea proper context anymore, or they’re just very very insecure.

It’s very difficult to outright go ‘THEY’RE ALL EVIL’, but when there’s so many that are just putrid humans that want me to take my own life, it’s a wee bit overwhelming, and understandably so, yeah?

People sometimes just don’t properly process what they’re doing, because they’re so caught up in their insecurity, or possibly even a mild ego, but there’s others that will do it because they’re so quick to anger and hatred over fucking nothing.

Welcome to reality. It’s a lot like taking a train ride through a diseased rectum sometimes. But other times it’s like taking a trolley though a nice field. It’s a mixed bag, but it’s a ride that never stops but once.

An important thing I do wanna say though, is that I have everyone who supports me in my heart. I may lose my sight of that when I’m going through an episode I’m having a heckuva lot of trouble controlling, but I’d be in a much worse spot without them. Some of them are so dang respectful, and some are just so legitimately sweet and kind that it’s a blessing to have ever had an interaction of any kind or level with them.

I don’t take any of you for granted even if sometimes I seem ignorant of it during a terrible depressive episode.

You often don’t agree with me and can make it very clear, but it’s the respect you give me nonetheless that I take as precious, because it’s some of the best stuff to receive when all else seems so bleak and lifeless. It’s not an honor everyone sadly receives, so I treasure that a lot. And when I’m feeling so down and out, it sometimes can be the one thing that keeps me even near level, and that’s such an honor that even if it’s such a small amount, because obviously it’s a Tumblr blog I’m always aware of that, it just does mean a lot to me, because it genuinely is an honor to me.

I love you guys a lot. I hope that’s always obvious even when I’m making a mess out of myself. You guys are some of my favorite people on this planet.

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alexaplaysgames · 3 years

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Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

Tagged by: @onlyhereforinteractivestories thank you so much this was a blast! 🥰

Tagging: I reallyyyy hate doing this because I don’t want to make anyone feel obligated to do it. So anyone that wants to do it, do it and tag me please!

Name/Nickname: You can call me Alexa or Alex, I don’t really mind which.

Gender: Female

Starsign: Aries ♈️ 🔥 I think I’m a Gemini moon sign or sum but I’m bad with astrology.

Height: 5’0 welcome to Whoville y’all! Haters can’t bother me cause I can’t see em.

Time: it’s 9:43 AM as I’m writing this.

Birthday: April 17th

Favourite Bands and Favourite Solo Artists (combined): Listen, I’m honestly not a huge music fan. This list would include: a wack of rock bands my middle-aged father likes, a whole bunch of French-Canadian artists no one has heard of, and the people that write Disney songs. I also really like Michael Jackson, The Bee Gees, Mika, Led Zeppelin. It’s a weird list.

Song Stuck in my Head: Well now it’s Beat It by MJ because I had to think about him. But before that, the House MD theme song. I have problems with a capital Need to Get Some Help.

Last Movie: I watched The First Purge with a friend it left me scarred... The world is fucked up man.

Last Show: The Queen’s Gambit and Beth Harmon can step on me please.

When did you create this blog?: uh... like a few months ago? Idk? For quite a while I did nothing on it. Just stalked people harder than Joe Goldberg.

What do I Post: Garbage, honestly. Tbh, it’s just like everything that goes on in my mess of a brain. It’s really unorganized in here fam. I probably should’ve made seperate accounts with the number of fandoms, but I am lazy. So, like my bio says: everything interactive fiction.

Last Thing I Googled: Other than school related stuff (which is boring), The Wayhaven Chronicles fics on AO3. I obsessively read fanfiction- it’s unhealthy.

Following: 102 (let me love you my pretties)

Followers: 91 and they are all my children so my mother can’t ever ask me why I never gave her grandkids.

Do I Get Asks: Not really, but tbh I wouldn’t ask me questions either. My parents don’t call me a disappointment for nothing.

Why I Chose my URL: Honestly? I was planning to change it and just wanted something that worked. Do you know how many users with Alexa in the name there are? A lot, apparently. Too many. I’ll have to kill them all to become the only one. I’ll probably choose a new one until then.

Average Hours of Sleep: I actually sleep quite a bit, somewhere between 6-8 hours per night which is healthy, so wow! I guess I have accomplished something in my life. Although I am a uni student, this term just started so it’s pretty chill. But it probably won’t last for long.

Lucky number: 6! It was my soccer jersey number for a long time.

Instruments: Look... I’m a band kid. The only instrument I can actually 100% play is the euphonium. It’s not a pretty instrument; it sounds equivalent to a tortured elephant. Don’t bother looking it up, I promise you it’s not cool. But I did take guitar lessons. I just sucked.

What I’m Wearing: literally a t-shirt with a huge ass picture of Rupert Grint’s face on it that just says Ron in a font that looks vaguely threatening. I got it from my cousin. Other than that, Roots sweatpants.

Dream Job: I’m currently pre-vet so it would be nice to actually follow that through! We’ll see how that goes though. Sounds like a lot of commitment.

Dream Trip: I would love to visit Australia or Japan! They both sound really neat. Also, random fact: did y’all know Chris Hemsworth lives in Australia? That’s... an odd coincidence.

Last Book I Read: In reality, it would be an IF book (Supernatural in New York, precisely) but in terms of an actual novel? The Hobbit. Actually no, it would be my Biology textbook but that’s boring. I’m a cool kid.

Favourite Food: I really love pasta. Like crazy obsession amount of love for any kind of pasta. I’m not even remotely Italian. Give me those carbs.

Nationality: Canadian! 🇨🇦 and I find Canadian stereotypes hilarious. I often laugh over them while drinking maple syrup and riding my pet polar bear.

Favourite Song: Once again, I’m not a huge fan of music. So I’ll put the song I’m listening to right now: Golden by Harry Styles. I didn’t even know the name of the song until I looked it up. I’m sorry.

Top Three Fictional Universes: The Percy Jackson universe has been one of my favourites since forever. I also love Middle Earth, the setting of Lord of the Rings (I sound so basic). Lastly, the MCU! I’m a huge superhero fan :) it would be cool to be a superhero but I’d probably die in 0.02 seconds :/

#about me!#thanks so much for this!#long post

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burnedbyshoto · 5 years

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anon: The artist @franeridart answers all of their asks in one mass post with a read more link so maybe you could try that as well. That way you could answer everyones ask but not spam anyones dash with all of your replys

you genius anon, and you genius artist! I just feel like as of late I have been getting a lot more things in my askbox, and I dont want to overwhelm anyone with spam. so, I will be creating these! unless it’s for y’all thirsty hoes asking for extra parts or whatever from very recent posts, expect this to happen every so often! the rest will be below cut. also first time using photoshop? how’d I do yall??? and also like.... let me know if you like this idea??? if not i’ll just resort to spam :)

@your-parental-figure : IK BUT DETECTIVE GUY CONSIDERED BOTH TOKOYAMI AND KIRI TO BE ALL MIGJTS SUCCESSOR DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MENT??? THAT MOMENT WATERED MY CROPS, CLEARED MY SKIN AND SOLVED WORLD HUNGER

oh season four episode one, you may have been a filler, but you made me so happy to watch. honestly ngl, I was pretty surprised when he said kiri, not because he has no potential, but because it seemed like the top 4 from the sports festival, bUT FUCK YEAH KIRI AND TOKOYAMI!!!!! IN A DIFFERENT WORLD IT COULDVE BEEN THEM!!!!!

anon: Makeup smut for villain Deku should be good. 100% tender, no chicken

honestly, my favorite thing at this point is seeing you all crumble in fear if i’ll even give you a happy ending, and tbh idk if it will be for villain!deku >:)

@ohmycolie: So it’s Saturday night and I’m just sitting at home 🤦🏼‍♀️ could you maybe do a scenario where Bakubaby and Kiri decide to bring Kami into their sexcapades and after their little adventure Kiri is like “can we keep him?” 🤤💕

hi bby, while I can imagine something of this sort I am only a “x reader” blog :( so while its good thirst, I won’t be writing anything about it, sorry :( ily tho!

@michealsheep: Honestly is shiggy ended me after an intense nut like that I’d just thank him

honestly, I want shiggy just to end me??? whatta way to go. death by fucking nut.

bigdickkiri: I don’t get ship wars. Why do people wanna be so mean? It’s so easy to not be a part of any a that.if everyone appropriately tagged their posts, blacklisted rags they don’t like and didn’t act bitchy then they wouldn’t be an issue. - bigdickkiri

neither do I honestly. they’re just people looking for drama at this point, and it’s like... come on... you’re 25... stop

bigdickkiri: What a fantastic evening to tell my favourite writers that I adore them and that they're amazing! Look after yourself and have a gorgeous day! ❤️💙❤️💙 - bigdickkiri

I’m literally the worst. but um, I adore you so much, and I think you’re amazing!!!!! its 2am rn, but I can’t sleep anyways

🍒💥anon: Girl, your blog is having a glo up!!! I love it!! So pretty 👌 How are you doing today? Are you taking care of yourself? *sending good vibes and virtual hugs your way* -🍒💥

teehee, thank you for noticing!!!!!! i’m not 100% happy with it rn, but I haven’t had the time to get it perfect!!! wait a few more weeks and when I have actual down time, im fixing it >:) also, I am doing well, a lot of caretaking today! I never take care of myseld! *accepts the good vibes and virtual hugs because I am touch starved*

anon: I'm part of the protect uraraka squad!!! ♡

me too boo! you wanna fight me on my mochi loving girl meet me on the corner of my fists and in your faCE!!!!! (is this considered cyberbullying?)

anon: WTF @ THAT ANGST I M SAD NOW

this was in regard to my fic “because of you” which I posted because I was in a crying mood. HAHAHAHAHA YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SAD I WINNNNNNNN

@joyfullydawn: I just wanted to say you're heccin' amazing??? The fact you named that roommate one "And they were roommates" I just--yes. This is more than ok. This is excellent. Please keep being awesome aaaa

and they were roommates was the first series I had, and the thing I did in celebration for 100 followers.... jesus that feels so long ago and not in fact less than two months ago!!!!!!!!!!! maybe I should reblog my old works so you newer lovely followers can read them!!!!!

anon: would u ever do a part 2 to under the mistletoe with aizawa? its so sad and i just want them to be HAPPY

I am planning on doing it!!!!! it’s in my requests, so no worriesssss ;)

hermana anon: hermana that todo angst 🥺🥺you’re literally the best angst writer jdjdbd

okay but for real do I write actually good angst??? asking for a friend..... and HGAIGHJIAORGHUOG THAKN YOU FOR THAT COMPLIMENT!!!! PLEASE RECOMMEND ME ANGST FICS BECAUSE I LOVE CRYINGGGG

🍒✨ anon: this has literally nothing to do with anything that’s on your account right now but do you think that dabi sends shoto happy birthday messages? i like to think he does because even if he’s a villain, he still lowkey care about his siblings - 🍒✨

this was from a very long ass time ago, and im sorry I never responded to you sparkle cherry anon, but I definitely do believe that he sends birthday cards. with his baby bro’s increase in his fangirl club, he now is unafraid to send shouto a card. its always the only one that catches shouto’s attention when he goes through them because they’re weirdly personal. shouto, being a smart yet dense idiot, believes its someone in the class pranking him.

~ I won’t be posting these messages, but they were from awhile ago when I was hitting a rough patch with my insecurity as a writer and my ability to give my all to you. there are many of you, 19 messages in total, where you told me why you loved my writing. I never responded to them because they make me cry even now looking back at them. to each and every anon, I thank you for saying those kind words. to @saladsharkz, @thecryingsombra, @olivenight17, @shutupwylow, @expressyourstarstruckrebel, and @awkward-theaterkid thank you as well. there is another non anon, but they asked not to be revealed. thank you so sososo much.

~ I will not be posting these as well, because again, drama from awhile ago. but this was in regard to the anon who did not like the kinklist I had created for kinktober. while now I think I am doing a pretty damn good job, and no one has said otherwise, to the 2 anons, @connors-my-boy, and bigdickkiri, thank you for fighting an anon that was never your responsibility to take <3

@w0w-s0-3dgy: u make me uwu so much🥺❤️ I LOVE YOUR PAGE BABE I HOPE YOU’RE DOING WELL!

BBY I LOVE YOU AND I AM DOING WELL NOW!!!!! THANK YOU FOR LOVING MY PAGE LITERALLY WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU?!?!??!!

anon: You followed me and idk if it was just to be nice or if you want to be friends or what hdhakanskenebdhsiq

im starting to follow back people that make me happy. it’s been awhile since ive been on a followspree, but I follow you back when i see kind messages from you, when I see that you’ve liked so many of my horrible posts, when you reblog my things with the most amazing tags. I follow you because I want to be your friend, you’re always welcomed to be my friend!!! hell you can literally be like “bitch listen to this” and never once having spoken to me I will respond with “give me the fucking chisme my queen”

anon: *gives u an encouraging and comforting yeehaw*

now.... now I can conquer the world, thank you

anon: Hi! I love the way you're writing things for kinktober, and I'd personally love if you could reblog what you're writing multiple times because I'm at uni most of the day so I miss out on a lot. Pd. I absolutely adore your writing! Please keep up ❤

I AM TRYING TO REBLOG MY STORIES NOW BUT OMGNGSOUHFIPA YOU LIKE HOW I WRITE?!?!?!??!?!?!

heathers anon: Its the anon who sent the Dabi heather au. I send it because i know your popular and a lot of popular blogs check your blogs. And I honestly struggle with other blogs because they ignored most of my asks.

teehee, I appreciate you thinking im a popular blog and that other popular blogs check mine, but thats not true!!! sorry for never responding back, but i’m sure they’re not meaning to ignore you on purpose. there’s just so much happening things get buried!

@sinnaminsvga : we're both alyssa so it's really interesting to see the nicknames u use bc i see you use lyssa and i got the nickname ari and i think that's pretty neat how we both have the same name but wildly different nicknames

it don’t matter, we be alyssa twinsies!!!!!!!!!!

anon: I was just going through your master list, cause I’m in a stunning mood and why not make a good mood better? and I saw bakugous “sickness and that word I can’t spell” got hella happy for a sec CAUSE YES THAT WAS SO ADORABLE AND I LOVED IT. Then I remembered the heart shattering angst that came with Todos side. So like. Ily but you a meanie.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA WE LOVE SUFFERING!!!!!! I just... really have a thing for angst it seems... don’t tell my followers though, im in denial over it...

#ask lyssa anything #lyssa doesnt shut up #anonymous #hermana anon #big dick kiri anon #heathers anon #dabi headcanons #thank you all so much I do love and appreciate every single one of you out there :)

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takeseffort · 5 years

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O O C

NAME : monroe, though some of you know me as mango thanks to a friend of mine filling my queue on an old RP blog with over 100 pictures of fucking mangos, so there’s definitely that.

FACECLAIM : I don’t really have a mun faceclaim, I just use whatever icons aren’t associated with the blog I’m posting on, so miscellaneous, other muses, faceless icons. I used to use a combination of belle, baymax, or gogo but ya girl is lazy when it comes to non-rp icons.

PRONOUNS : she/her, they/them.

HEIGHT : I was 5′2 forever but my last appointment they put down 5′4/5′5 & I haven’t recovered.

BIRTHDAY : april 10. I’m an aries raised by a leo & a scorpio.

AESTHETIC : I have an entire personal aesthetic board on pinterest & I feel like that says a lot more about me than I’d like to admit tbh.

LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO : heroes never die - david chappell (unless you count the sailor moon theme, since that’s what I now have on as background noise)

FAVORITE MUSE (S) YOU’VE WRITTEN : is it cheating for me to say all of them? each of them is so stupidly unique, but I guess Alec. he’s challenging for me in a way none of my other muses are, but the problem is Jonathan is so flexible. don’t make me choose tbh.

* GETTING TO KNOW THE ACCOUNT :

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO TAKE ON THIS MUSE : it was a whole host of things. Alec was always a character that stuck with me long after I’d finished the first three books of TMI & also TID, but I read them long before I was into writing canon characters so it never occurred to me to write him as a muse. I remember being so excited to see the movie at first... & then being disappointed in Alec’s casting to the point I didn’t think on it again after that. looking back, I find that fucking hilarious because I don’t actually have a problem with the casting but what the entire fuck was that bondage inspired wardrobe? anyway. flash forward a few years, I vaguely got back into it when I watched an episode during a weekly friend dinner, but the real push was when RPers from the show started crossing my dash. I wanted to interact with them, & friends who were making verses for the show/universe. I usually make verses for new material on an existing muse before I consider making a muse, & usually it’s enough so I did this with Brock & to this day I fucking adore what I came up with for him, but it did NOT get me where I wanted to be. thinking on it a bit harder, I decided to go ahead & bite the bullet, making the muse that kept nudging me. & thus, Alec was brought to life.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ASPECTS OF YOUR CURRENT MUSE : I love the fact that there’s expansive canon for him across multiple mediums - there’s the books, which are well established, with amazing world-building & deep characterization, there’s the movie which gives me a decent visualization of that same world-building, then there’s the show, which gives me an alternate take on a few things, introduces new material & characters for him to interact with, & challenges my creative drive, so I guess this makes my answer his blended canon.

WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST INSPIRATION WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING : my biggest inspiration remains meta-writing & exploring worldbuilding with my partners - this is how I develop everything & sustain muse. outside of that, I tend to listen to scores from source material if they’re available, & I also make my own playlists that help. sometimes if I feel particularly drained or the creative well is dry, I re-read or re-watch key scenes, but most of that only nudges me - the biggest source of inspiration comes from talking & plotting with partners. it always has, always will.

FAVORITE TYPES OF THREADS : I used to be terrified of angst, now I tend to prefer it. hurt/comfort, domestic slices of life. I also have an extreme fondness for AU threads, because I can’t think of a better challenge than taking my muse & seeing if I can transpose their canon self into a whole new world.

BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN REGARDS TO YOUR CURRENT MUSE : I lost Alec for a hot minute - not just losing his blog thanks to random termination, but I also just straight up lost his muse, forcing me to slide onto my other muse in the fandom as my main for nine months. Ever since that, it’s been hard to find the same motivation & fire that first encompassed this blog but it’s slowly coming back. Also, verses. Unlike Jon, Alec is far harder to verse-craft for.

Tagged by: @runedwhip Tagging: @erchommai, @tallowes (Lirael or Harry), @murios (clary), @hiddensteel, @johnscn, @lcdgerbled, @dawnheroics, @seraphbled, @faerieborne, @warricrsbcw, @bornmajesdane, & @enoughrunning because I don’t interact with any of y’all enough.

#✧ ❛ venti coldbrew extra shot ❜ || mun #✧ ❛ that was an understatement ❜ || ooc #long post

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the-first-date · 4 years

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A conversation with Madison Leigh Mumma [22/NB/Cincinnati]

Madge Maril: Hello! How are you today?

Madison Leigh Mumma: Hi! I'm great, how are you?

MM: Doing OK! For those that don't know you (and your work), can you tell us about yourself?

MLM: Sure! I live in Cincy, just graduated with a BFA, and for the most part consider myself an artist. I recently realized that I actually have no desire to go back to school so now I'm just working in coffee and saving up money to move. Oh, also, my pronouns are they/them! And I'm a Pisces!

MM: Oo, were you planning on going back to school before? And move where?

MLM: Yeah, I was dead set on going into critical theory and getting a PhD, but it took a break from academia for me to realize that it exhausts me way too much to be healthy. I'm thinking east coast, maybe Providence or Hadley??

MM: Well I don't know what critical theory is and I don't know where Hadley is but I have heard of Providence!

MLM: It's very broad! I think I was mostly attracted to the idea of arguing and criticizing for a living.

MM: Pisces!!!

MLM: EXACTLY.

MM: I love it.

MLM: With an Aries fuckin moon, lmao. Constant combat.

MM: WOW. Rising?

MLM: Also Pisces!! Pisces Sun, Rising, Mercury, and Venus.

MM: Omg, that's so intense — what's it like for you?

MLM: Like you said — VERY intense. I'm either 0% or 100% and that can be... a lot. But I think it's exciting to feel everything as much as possible, too!

MM: Said like a true blue pisces. OK so seamless transition: What do you wear on the first date? And follow up: Do you think it's reflective of your sign?

MLM: I usually wear a lot of black and let my accessories do the talking — so on a first date I'd probably wear a trusty black velvet shirt, high-waisted skinny jeans with a cool belt, and Docs. I'm very superstitious and a heavy believer in luck so I'd be wearing aquamarine and maybe some red jasper, dagger earrings, and a pin or two. I think that makes sense as a Pisces — I have a solid base but otherwise can be pretty fluid.

MM: What do aquamarine and red jasper have to do with luck?

MLM: Aquamarine symbolizes courage, protection, and is meant to enhance communication (and it's my birthstone!). Red Jasper is the stone of ~empowerment~, I actually started wearing it because a friend told me it reminded them of my "fighting spirit.”

MM: That's so interesting. And I've seen your dagger earrings on IG before I think! Where did you get them, and what do they mean to you?

MLM: My friend gave them to me as a gift! I like that they're elegant but still a little spicy. They feel like they go with the jasper in that respect — like there’s beauty in self-protection and putting yourself first.

MM: Completely agree. And it goes with the black outfit, too. Why a black shirt?

MLM: Black seems very secure and calm to me, plus it's always flattering and the velvet elevates just a liiiitle above a T-shirt.

MM: There's a lot of emotion in your outfit. What are you typically feeling on a date, if you can make it generic?

MLM: I have to be fairly comfortable talking to somebody before I go on a date with them, and I'm very selective about who I spend my time with. So at that point I'm usually really excited to see if there’s any **spark**.

MM: That's so opposite from me lol. When I'm single, I just like to go out and ~experience.

MLM: Ahh sometimes I really wish I could do that! I mean, I COULD but I think it goes back to the Pisces/emotions thing. I exhaust myself so fast!

MM: How so, if you don't mind me asking?

MLM: Well, I tend to daydream a bit so I build up my ideas of strangers around their potential instead of what I know to be reality, and that can spiral real fast. I actually deleted Tinder this summer and made a sort of romantic vision board to break that habit.

MM: Tell me more about this mood board.

MLM: It's basically an incomplete list of things that are valuable to me in a partner, and things that I can't/won't compromise on. A couple of examples are like, being considerate and independent. Also, you can't be a cop lover. In the past I've just been attracted to people that make me beg for their affection because it feels like I'm winning something, but that high isn't sustainable or worth it! Having a physical list keeps me accountable.

MM: My mom actually told me to do the same thing when I was looking for a partner! So you have her sage wisdom behind you. I imagine it helps you reality check during the infatuation stage? Like oh, they're cute but they do XYZ and I promised myself that's a no-go.

MLM: Aw yay!! YES definitely, that actually just happened this past week. I had a crush on someone I don't really know and realized I actually just like the attention.

MM: God, preach. And also like, that's a deep thought, and kind of a hard one to unpack. How did it feel to realize that?

MLM: Honestly, really good and kind of relieving! It took a lot of conscious effort to get to this point and it was like "A-HA! I am not a slave to my impulses! Incredible!"

MM: I'm envious that you were able to realize that all right out of college. I feel like post graduation was my most murky, in-my-own-head time, especially romantically.

MLM: It was definitely rough. I went sober this January and I don't think I would have been able to make this much personal progress without that. Once I made that change it kind of had to be all or nothing.

MM: Congratulations on your sobriety!!

MLM: Thank you!! ❤

MM: I've done periods of sobriety, but had long-term partners for all of them iirc. What's being on the dating scene like when you're not drinking? I really can't imagine it.

MLM: It definitely slims down the pool, lol. I didn't realize how much of my social life involved drinking before, and I'm not currently in a place in my sobriety where I could be involved with somebody who drinks. That plus the fact that I deeply enjoy alone time has meant I go out way less. But I'm a lot kinder and intentional in the interactions I have now and generally enjoy myself more so I think it all balanced out!

MM: You know, I don't think I've ever heard someone say they really enjoy alone time. I think most people tolerate it at best. With so much changing and blossoming internally, do you think how you present yourself to the world through your personal style has shifted, too?

MLM: I relish it! I think my style has become slightly less chaotic, maybe a bit more monochrome. This sounds super corny, but now that I've gained some self-confidence and am more stable I don't use my clothes to speak for me, hahaha.

MM: It's not corny at all!! I've been ruminating on that lately, too. I used to look in my closet and think of it as costume pieces.

MLM: Yesss!

MM: Also I'm now realizing it's been like almost two hours somehow??

MLM: Time is not real!

MM: I'll wrap this up so you can get back to your evening! Do you have any social media/online places you want to shout out for people to follow?

MLM: Ooh yeah! I run @groundscoresofficial on Insta, and post my art at @chaoskewpie! You can find my personal through either of those but I mostly post cats and my roommates, ha. Thanks so much for having me in your online space :^))

MM: Thank you for coming to hang out at the digital pad!!

#first date #fashion blog #style

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st4r-c0d3 · 3 years

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POST ABOUT TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS GO:

ok so

there is this song Mommy Fwiend by Penelope Scott

and i think thats the song i relate the most to out of every song ive ever heard

let me explain

I have this very close friend. Ok so said friend has problems at home. Like their parents are emotionally and mentally abusive to them. They are also suicidal and talk about it with me. They also cut. When they tell me about said actions I try to explain that they should talk to an adult about this because I don't know what to do to help? They always ask me about what they should do. BUT THEY NEVER TAKE THE ADVICE I GIVE THEM. THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT FEELING BAD SO I TELL THEM TO TRY AND FIND SAFER COPING MECHANISMS. THEY ALWAYS SAY IT WONT WORK. THEY WRITE SONGS ABOUT HOW SUICIDAL AND SHIT THEY FEEL. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR MONTHS AT THIS POINT??

AND ITS TOXIC. Here's why: whenever I try to slightly open up about my feelings towards their parents they get pissed. Whenever I tell them that cutting isn't going to help them, they get mad. At this point I feel really guilty if I tell them anything that's going well for me. I also feel guilty if I tell them that I don't feel like shit?? Now take everything I'm saying into account. Then read this bullshit said person had the audacity to send me via Discord:

"Hey uhm I know we both dont feel this way but I just wanted to get this off my chest. Its been a while that ive felt like this and I just thought I should let you know ^^. But first I would like to thank you for everything. Thank you for being my friend for this long and thank you for dealing with me for this long. I truly wish you the best in life Ari :). But back to my point. Im not sure when you will get this but I would like us to stop being friends. It could be for now or forever but im really truly sorry. We can talk this out but I rather not but if you really want to then im here. Im really sorry but please dont blame yourself. Sometimes good things must come to an end. i don't wanna seem a burden to you so im leaving, im sorry ari. And if you want the honest reason then here its. i would always be there for you. I dont wanna seem selfish but if I am, I am so sorry but you would hardly be there for me. Ive tried being dry to but nothing would work. You still stayed and I wonder why. You have such a good life why spend it with me. Someone struggling to even keep alive. And I when try to open up you dont help. You just tell me “I-“ or “oop-“ and I just wanted to say that thats not helping me. Im so sorry if I was being burden I really am so I made up my mind and my mind has told me its time to leave. Ill always remember you and I wish you the best. goodbye :)."

I talked it out with them because I'd feel hella guilty if they ended up killing themself. But this is still a load of bullshit cause wtf. Like?? This is probably the most toxic friendship I've ever been involved in and this has only been going on for like five minutes. I've had one that lasted almost seven years!!! But anyways to tie in my other post, I'M ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AWARE THAT THIS PERSON IS BAD FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH AND SHIT BUT I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF STOP TALKING TO THEM BECAUSE I FEEL SO GUILTY FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO.

anyways Mommy Fwiend is not only a good song but it is also a very good way to describe how I feel rn :,)

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spnbaby-67 · 6 years

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Her Surprise Chapter 3

Summary: Your best friend takes you to a Vancouver Convention for your Birthday, how will you react to some fans who truly don’t know what it means to true SPN Family. Will you stay? Or will you close down?

A/N: Hey all, here is chapter three, hope you like it. it’s full of angst, also some good news on this. I decided to make this into a fic series, so there will be more than the original five chapters I had intended. Thank you to Gaynor, @secretlyfurrydragon Ya’ll I cant mention enough how much she has helped me on my writing, she’s an amazing writer herself so please go check out her blog on @secretimpala67 and her AO3 account, i’ll get the link soon. She’s awesome, sweet, and very patient with me. So thank You Gaynor for your help. My stories are not to be posted on any other website without my full consent, gifs i use are not mine they are the editors who made them. Also please no hate on Danneel, I love her to bits and I can’t wait to see her on SPN. Ok lets read. Also I am kind of nervous about this chapter, I’m going by what I experienced at a convention before, so part of the readers troubles are of mine as well. *I’m kind of nervous about this one but let me know what you think. love ya’ll

Pairing; Jensen Ackles and Reader

Warnings: Angst, hurt reader! losing confidence, overweight reader, some fans not being nice. Language, (i’m sorry i cuss)

Her Surprise. Chapter 3

Catch up Here.

Reader’s POV

After we left Starbucks, I was grinning from ear to ear. I still can’t believe we ran into Jensen and Jared, I mean how fucking cool is that? In all honesty, truth be told, I was overly excited, that I even had a skip in my step as I walked. Haven’t done that since I was a kid, it was awesome. Meeting them was unexpected and a once in a lifetime opportunity right there. I barely heard Ari tell me to calm down. Quit acting like a kid. I mean fuck what did she want me to do? Not get excited at all? Um I don't think that's an option for me right now.

One, I’m hyped up on sugar and marshmallows, and two, I just met Jensen fucking Ackles. So how am I supposed to calm down after that? Nope no way, not gonna happen, I can literally die happy now. Besides, she was fawning all over Jared, so what’s the big deal? I can’t help how hyped up I get when I’ve had too much sugar, she knows this so I don't really understand what's the problem is with her.

I know some fans get lucky enough at some conventions who get to see them out in the normal world. But me, this just doesn’t happen. I'm never usually that lucky to have anything good or even amazing happen to me. I’m still reeling it in, trying to remember their cologne, their conversation, hell everything. The way Jensen smiled, and laughed as his nose crinkled in that adorable way. Yep he’s fucking adorable all right.

“What’s wrong Ari? You’re acting like you're upset at something. Was it something I did?” I asked her as we walked into the hotel lobby.

“No it wasn't you and I’m not upset Y/N,” she paused a bit and when she does that, I know she's hiding something from me. “It’s just so overwhelming. I can’t believe we just met Jared and Jensen, total dream come true for sure.” She pushed the button for the elevator, then turned her back to lean against the wall as we waited for it. She wouldn't even look at me.

I studied her body language, I gotten used to her over the years I've know her and could read her like a book, “I know, me to.” I played along with her game, “It was totally awesome, this weekend is going to be the best. But If there was anything wrong, you’d tell me right?” The elevator ding and the doors open, we got on and she pushed the button to our floor.

She smiled at me reassuringly, “Y/N, I’m ok honestly. Do you want to order in, or go out before we register for our tickets?’

“We have to register?” I asked her as we got off the elevator.

“Yeah, it’s from 8:00 to 9:00 pm for Gold members, I figured we can go eat first, then register and get our passes, then come back to our room and strategize our plans for tomorrow.” She opened the door to our hotel room, threw her purse on the desk by the door, grabbed a bottled water from the fridge we had bought previously, then went to sit on the couch.

“Yeah, sounds goods to me. I'll just go shower and change.” I took my scarf and jacket off then laid them on the bed before gathering comfortable clothes for a shower. I poked my head out of the bathroom for a moment and watched Aeryn a bit longer and saw that something was bothering her, the way she sat slumped on the couch looking down at her phone. I decided not to push it because when she gets this way, she will close down on me if I keep at it. I'll talk to her when the time is right and see what's going on then, but for now shower.

Ari’s POV

Meeting Jared and Jensen was purely awesome to say the least, it was magical and unexpected. The way they talked to us, paid attention to us, and even spared a few minutes telling us whatever was on there minds. It was definitely a dream come true for the both of us. I’m not upset at Y/N and I know she senses something is wrong, to tell you the truth there is something wrong and I don’t want her to know what I heard or saw. I’m pissed as hell about it and ready to knock someone’s teeth out. It’s all over twitter which I’m thankful Y/N doesn’t have, she had told me time and time again it was just something to waste time on. She’s right of course, but I have it and now I see things on there that she doesn’t and I don't really want to see either. I mean I thought we are supposed to be family, not judge others just because of their weight. Family, true family don’t do that. I know once she see’s it, it’ll break her. I know what it's going to do to her.

Apparently, someone at Starbucks recorded our little dance we do every time we hear Carry On My Wayward Son, posted it on twitter and made nasty comments about Y/N. She’s a good person, sweetheart of a friend, and to me a sister I never had. I only asked her to stop acting like a kid because of what I saw, I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire I mean they already had an advantage on her, why make it worse? I didn’t want her to think it was anything else, so i just changed my attitude. I can’t believe how cruel people can be, yeah Y/N’s a little overweight but she eats healthy and has done everything she can to lose the weight. That part no one sees but me. I know the struggles she faces everyday, some times to the point where she breaks down at night and cries herself to sleep. When she’s feeling she can’t handle it anymore, she’ll refuses to eat anything for a few days when she is so down that it hurts me as well as her to see her like that.

Her life has been a horror show growing up, because of her abusive father which is her story to tell. That’s why I wanted to give her a weekend full of fun memories instead of the crap people give her every day, not only here but she gets it at work to. Patients complain about her attitude and the way she looks. She’s the most caring person in the world and our boss knows this, however some people can be such dicks. But for her to even get crap here when no one knows her, it upsets me and makes me angry they could talk about her like that. Especially when all I want to do is give her a birthday she’ll never forget. I know when she finds out it will hurt her and cause her to feel depressed and I know I will have to support as I always try to do as I try to help her through it all.

That’s why I got to do my damnedest to make sure she has an amazing experience. Seeing Jensen and the cast do their panels and singing and most of all have fun. Hopefully, if things work out great like I think they will, she will have the best birthday ever. I may hide some things from her sometimes so she doesn't get hurt, but this time I think it’s going to work out where she will have the best convention experience ever as I have a few surprises up my sleeve this weekend.

Readers POV

After my shower, I changed into some jeans and my supernatural t-shirt Ari bought me that said, Run fast like Dean Winchester saw you crash the Impala. Course, I’d never do that to Baby. I love her just as much as Dean does I think. Well if that’s even possible, but Ari got me the shirt saying it would be awesome. Why not? Right? I giggle at myself in the full length mirror thinking what Dean would say if he saw this shirt, can you imagine his face. I put on a fresh coat of makeup and touched up my hair a bit, then added some perfume. I only use a certain kind, since I’m allergic to most of them as I get a terrible headache. Anyway, I walk out of my room to see Ari waiting for me as she had fallen asleep on the couch clutching her phone to her chest, now I know something is up.

I gently tap her on the shoulder, “Ari, I’m ready,” she jumps kicking the back of the couch and dropping her phone. Which she immediately picks up, almost nervously like she done something wrong, or knows something I don’t.

“Are you ok?” I asked her with caution.

“Um, yeah, I’m good. Just fell asleep watching something while I waited for you, did you have to take a cold shower after your Jensen run in?” She nudged my elbow as we walked to the door.

“Ha, funny Ari. No I didn’t, but it didn’t stop me thinking of him,” I walked out towards the elevator with a huge grin on my face.

“Well, hopefully we will see him again at SNS tomorrow night.”

“Yeah, that would be amazing.”

We walk into the elevator as it makes its way to the ground floor. We get off and head to the restaurant close by. It’s nice and smelt so good when we walked in the front door. Oh my god, my mouth watered as we walked by some people on our way to our table. The food here it looks very tempting, but I have to stick to my diet. Just because I’m on vacation, doesn’t mean the body is. As you can tell, I’m very cautious of my weight. I have tried several diets in the past, none worked. I wonder if there is a miracle pill that will help me lose at least 40 more pounds, one can dream. I envy Ari, she’s at the perfect weight. Beautiful, sweet, and amazing person. She can eat anything in the world and not gain a pound.

We get to our table, our waiter asked us what we want to drink. She orders a Coke and I am so tempted to get a Dr.Pepper, but I’ll stick to water. “So, what’s on the at the convention tomorrow? Who's going to be first?” I took a sip.

“Hmm, Gil McKinney and Alaina Huffman’s Q & A is first, they come on stage at 12 to 12:45 pm after Rich, Rob and Louden Swain does their opening ceremony.” She heard her cell phone notifications go off, what surprised me was she ignored it.

“You’re not going to answer your notifications or even look at it?” I looked at her curiously.

She jabbed a french fry in a pool of ketchup. “No, it’s nothing important. So, what are you going to buy at the vendor's room tomorrow?” She continued to eat the fries as she changed the subject.

For her to ignore a notification like that, something is up. But I’m going to ignore this as I know she will tell me in time what’s bothering her. “I don’t know, I need some more shirts for sure. Maybe some Jensen items, I was also hoping to decorate the house all in Supernatural. What do you think?” I took a bite of my chicken salad.

She raised her head, “Oh that would be awesome, I think we can make that work.”

We finished our dinner and she insisted on paying, telling me that this is my birthday dinner. We do this every year, when it’s hers I pay so no arguing there. We get back to the hotel and the lines were already starting to form and we decided to join them. Since we had a few minutes, we made ourselves comfortable on the floor just like everyone else did. We have this app on our phones that lets us watch tv anywhere. Which was pretty cool, especially with Supernatural being on tonight. So,I,took out my phone and opened it up, then we sat back to watch it. I so love that we get the luxury of watching it anywhere we wish too.

Finally, and lucky for us, Supernatural was over which was a damn good episode. I cried literally, I hate when Dean gets hurt or even the tiniest scratch on him. Breaks my heart and I tear up, Ari thinks it's funny but I call that true love and a devoted fan of Dean Winchester. What can I say? He’s fucking awesome.

Eventually, we finally get to the head of the line, Ari shows the man the printout of the tickets we are suppose to register for. He then typed our names into the computer so we could get our badges and wristbands at the next table. It didn’t really take long to go through the registration process, I thought it was cool how they scan your PDF tickets with a cellphone. It’s amazing what technology can do these days. When we finished with the registration stuff, we went outside to take a walk near the jetty. Ari looked up at the sky as if she was deep in thought.

I was watching her face as I wanted to ask but she spoke first, “hey look at that Y/N?” She pointed upwards.

It was a falling star and I closed my eyes quickly to make a wish. Course mine is the same as always, to have Jensen fall in love with me. I shrugged my shoulders with a small smile on my lips. I know that’s a crazy idea, there is no fucking way in hell Jensen would fall in love with an overweight girl like me. But oh if he did, he would be taken care of and never feel empty of anything. Just then my stomach growled and I looked at Ari with a laugh.

She looked at me, “I take it that salad didn’t last long huh?” She asked me.

“Yeah maybe I should’ve gotten something more filling.” as it growled again.

“Ok, how about we compromise. We go get a veggie burger before we go upstairs, and then we’ll play trivial pursuit Supernatural style?”

“Sounds good,” I agreed as we walk to the burger joint that we passed earlier.

We entered the burger joint and the smell was incredible it smelt like bacon and onions. Can we cue an entrance for Dean Winchester right about now? I laughed at my own thoughts as we were lead to our table. The atmosphere was nice, lights turned down a bit to give a soft glow. Classic rock music played in the background and I was enjoying maybe a little too much when the waitress came over to us.

‘Hi, I’m Maggie, what can I get you?” she had her pen and pad ready.

Ari took the lead before I could open my mouth, “we will both have a veggie burger, she will have a dr. pepper and I will have a coke please.” She looked at me like uh huh I got you this time kind of look.

She smiled then left to turn our orders in. “Ari, you know I am on a diet and don’t need to be drinking any soda right now.”

“You're also on vacation Y/N, you can enjoy it, it’s your birthday weekend.”

I rolled my eyes, “Fine, just one won’t hurt.”

A couple of tables down behind us, some girls were there. I couldn’t really see what they were doing or giggling so hard about, but Ari saw and I thought she was going to go tear some heads off. Our order came thankfully at the right time, the more I watched Ari the more I could tell she was pissed off at something. I turned my head to face them and they just waved as if nothing was wrong. But once I turned my back, the giggling started again.

Ari stood up from her chair and threw the napkin she had in her hand roughly on the table. “That’s it,” she starts to go over to them, but I grabbed her wrist and told her to sit down. “What?” She asked with a harsh tone.

“Leave it, whatever there issues is with us, it can wait. I’m here to have a great weekend, spend time with my best friend and explore Vancouver with her. Not in some jail cell because she punched someone, so chill out.” I can’t believe I was that hard on her, but at that moment I didn’t care. I don’t care about what other people do, I only care about having fun.

Ari’s POV

The waitress came to refill our drinks and Y/N told her no, that one was enough. Water will do for now, she agreed and filled her glass then left us be. Once I took a bite of my burger, my eyes looked over at the girls who were whispering something. I knew it was about Y/N, every fiber in my being wanted to go over there and punch them. But I’m going to be good, I won't stoop to their level and let them win. That’s one thing I learned about bullies, is that they want you to fight back and lose so they know your weaknesses for next time.

I squinted my eyes at them telling them that I’m going to kick their asses if they didn’t stop, then one of them whispered something to the other as she shows her something on her phone. The laughing ensued and I can tell Y/N was wondering what was going on, but I also knew it was time to tell her. But how and when is the question at the moment. I bit my bottom lip so hard at the thought of what I had to do, which shouldn’t have happen to begin with. People just don’t understand that overweight people like Y/N are beautiful and sweet on the inside and out. I mean honestly she’s really not overweight, her height takes up most of it. It just irks me that people think they can hurt someone they don’t even know.

I look over at Y/N, “Y/N are you alright?” I asked.

“Yeah, just thinking about our day tomorrow. It’s going to be so much fun, I literally can’t wait.” Right at that time, her face lit up. All the crap that happened before was completely forgotten about, thankfully.

“It's going to be the best day ever, I’m going to make sure you have the best birthday weekend.”

“Hey you deserve to have a great weekend to Ari, you work just as hard as I do so you need to have fun to. Don’t concentrate on me too much that you don’t have fun to ok?”

See, there she goes. Always thinking of others before herself, this is what those bitches don’t see. “Yes but I wanted you to know how much I love you Y/N and that your the best sister a girl could ever have.”

“ Hey, you are my sister too. We stick together and support each other like we always do.”

“Let’s say we go to our room, play a couple of games then head to bed. It’s going to be a very long day tomorrow. And from what I hear from other con goers, it’s a long day of doing lots of different things and being on our feet.”

The girls were still giggling and one cleared her throat as if she was about to say something but changed her mind, I gave her a death glare she changed her attitude real quick. But gave me a smirk instead I wanted to slap it off her pretty over makeup face of hers.

Reader’s POV

We finished our burgers, course Ari paid again. I told her plenty of times not to do that, but do you think she listens to me? Nope she doesn't. I am not sure what’s going on with those girls and why they are so hell bent on laughing at us, but I’m determined to find out. Once I do, I will get what information they have and it will be fixed. Somehow.

Walking towards the door, I turned to look at them one last time. I saw them still laughing so hard, at what I dunno. I wasn't sure but I thought I saw one of them videoing us as we walked out. Nah it must be my mind playing tricks on me. Why would they want to video us we are not that important. I shrugged it off as we walked back to the hotel. Ari’s phone ping again with a notification, as usual she ignored it as we headed for the elevator up to our room.

“You know, I need to know what’s going on with you. You know I’ll find out sooner or later. So might as well tell me.” I stood there with my hands on my hips looking at her.

I heard her sigh, “Fine.” She opened her cellphone and showed me what people were laughing about. “I wanted to hide it from you, because you don’t need this.’

I felt my blood begin to boil as my body got hot, I then started to pace in the living room area of the hotel. I was hot, no I was pissed. Now I know why those girls were laughing, how can people be so cruel? I sighed, maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe they are right, I don’t hold a spot in Jensen’s life and he wouldn’t want me holding on his arms like the so called fat person I am. I look at Ari, “I’m going to bed, then tomorrow I am going to have the best time in my life. Come Monday we go home, end of story.”

She gets up to hug me, then I go to my room and she goes to hers. I cuddle with my pillow after I changed into my PJ’s, tears fall down my cheeks. From this day forward, I won’t do that stupid dance in front of anyone anymore. I’ll stick to my diet plan, and I’ll be happy when I see Jensen on Sunday. But that’s as far as it goes, for now. I reached over to my phone, pulled up my flight plan home, hit the cancel button to refund my money back to my card. I’ll talk to the hotel people and see if I can change my stay as well. No sense in staying in a place longer when you're not welcomed. I’ll just have to pretend to Ari all weekend that I’m ok, it’ll will work it has before she's didn't know how much pain I was in. Night Jensen I said to myself as I fell asleep dreaming of my meeting with him earlier. His beautiful face danced behind my eyes as he smiles at me. I couldn’t help but fall asleep smiling.

Tags: Let me know if you want on or off, I’ll be glad to add you. Love you all.

@secretlyfurrydragon, @secretimpala67, @nanie5 @samflovver, @madisun16 @fanfreak07 @pjofangirl18 @sailor-sammi @smoothdogsgirl @tiffanycaruso @jesstherebel @paralyzedlove @rowdyhooliganism @jdmbabe1980 @dixonsvixon2017 @alliekay727 @bombaluv96 @aubreystilinski @shamelesslydean @impalackless @bluedaisy21 @dslocum89 @mimilovespandas97 @kat821 @magnolialikes @angelus320 @soobi89 @percussiongirl2017 @soulily0 @spndeanlover1967 @akshi8278 @pariskitty18 @waterlilyshaista @skylarraker @destiney314 @jensen-gal @helpmeyouassbutt @timelady12

#Jensen Ackles #jensen ackles fanfiction #jensen ackles x reader #not confident #reader insert #reader fanfiction #Vancouver Convention #alternate universe #Angst #language #OFC Areyn

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twelvesignsrp · 6 years

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congratulations logan, aries is now dane duclos with the faceclaim santiago segura !

Character Sign: Aries

Character name: Dane Duclos Birthday: 04/01/1997 Sexuality: Straight-Curious Gender: Male Moon Sign: Capricorn Faceclaim: Santiago Segura

Fire Absorption: The ability to absorb fire and utilize it in some way. It’s fairly straight forward, like fire negation, but I like the idea of his sign being under the house of fire that instead of destroying or dismissing fire—he could instead absorb it. I imagine him quench accidental fires, magical explosions, or generally take fire in a way to enhance him. Personally the only enhancement I’d want is when he absorbs fire he has a stamina boost. Like a extra shot of espresso or something. I know most absorption powers can be too wonky making the person invinicble the more than can absorb but for me… I just want it to be a leveling ability that can minor cancel problems while being minorly effective or influential for Dane.

Sub power—Thermal Control:The power is broad stating you can control temperature, lack there of aka cold or ice or an increased amount heat. Personally I can see Dane having the ability to do both but for now he can’t. Perhaps a few more months after Aries season he might, for now his powers are that of cold manipulation on the scale of Thermal control. Much like the beginning his absorption made the room feel cooler or the fact that lack of heat producing a cooling element—that’s only manifested cold/ice. Dane’s powers now can produce levels of ice, cooling the air, and generally lowering temperatures around him until a freezing point. It’s problematic since the more energy he uses to decrease other people’s temperatures or areas, the more his crave to absorb heat increases. It’s a double edged sword really.

What do they study: Architecture, I like the idea of him being in the department or school of design at Durham. For him architecture is this unlimited space to create something long lasting, to have a physical imprint on history. In high school is when he learned that creating homes to bridges, to the newest or most advance buildings gave him this passion he never expected to have. Before that his family assumed he’d go into law or politics, but the way he spoke about design made them lenient on letting him explore that.

Biography: (TW: Abortion, TW: Pregnancy )

Etched from the finest marble, details were in the hands of your master on that day since you would become their perfect creation. Son of a diplomat and a lawyer, he was shoved into a light he had to learn to soak up. For Dane, every moment from the age of nine until now has had a plan, a certain design to be finished out. His schooling, his friends, down to his extracurricular choices would pave the way to what he thought was his goals. His parents weren’t that overbearing as most would think, they were firm but supportive yet in the eyes of their son they were two of the hardest people to make proud. His mind clouded love as a test to pass. He took strides in everything he did to be the best—to climb the rankings as the one to look at. In his heart he believed he could do anything, that all the compliments and congratulations as a child were fabricated into the crown he wears on his head this day. He’d be royalty, he’d be the golden ichor that the gods spoke of.

He’d be unstoppable.

However one thing almost derailed that for him, the outlier to his future—the one girl that would have halted it all. Lillian Alcott was the one thing that he never expected. She was an angel with a vixen’s heart, she spoke in riddles, and caused every minute that Dane was with her to be complicated but intriguing. The straight forward, overachiever had met the one that didn’t fit into his world—which then became the one thing that couldn’t be unhinged from it either. For three years they dated, loved, and spent every moment working a way to have her in his life forever. Days would become months and Dane’s design for himself grew into a design for them. However The Fates were always fickle women, as it seemed he was destined for something else, as a choice; no a forced decision would cause the two to break. It was four months before graduation, before Dane would head to Durham on early scholarship and Lilian would attend a university close to him, when they found out she was pregnant. The news was tough at first but he grew to love the idea—as such Lilian grew on him. Once again he began to edit his plans for the future, until his parents got hold of what was happening. “How could you? Were you even thinking? You are too young!”; They’d argue and try to berate him onto their view points, yet Dane stood his ground. He wanted the child, wanted her, and didn’t give a damn about how he’d do it all—but he would. Disappointingly though, his parents with their wealth and connections would make that reality into a fantasy.

Graduation rolled around and Dane found himself alone across the stage. Months before Lilian would have found herself up state, losing the only reason that would tether their lives together any longer, and a promise to never come back at the price of his father’s bank account. Broken, confused, and bitter he tried to live out his last few weeks in his home town. with his family acting like nothing happened, until he could escape to college. To a fresh start. That was when he promised himself that nothing—no one—would cause him to give up everything he wanted ever again. His parents were distant from him, he continued to excel at what he did with pride and hard work, yet as every superficial accomplishment he gained his heart grew harder and harder. He began to replace dates with screwing others, replacing committed to casual, and focused on a life he thought he needed….a life solely about him and his ambitions. An empty one at that….

Five interesting facts about your character:

Dane is multilingual as he knows Canadian-French, Arabic, English, and Spanish

At a young age he was the youngest fencer to be nationally ranked in the top ten in over 30 years. He was fourth in Canada before the age of sixteen, and won several championships.

Thanks to his father’s position he has a clean record, not even a speeding ticket. Thanks to the little more than a decade of diplomatic immunity he and his family received. Dane is very much like a golden boy or boy-scout, cause he only pushes the envelope just enough to not break it but get what he wants.

He’s allergic to pears and white chocolate. Something he hated as a kid but now barely affects him. Though at times have asked girls to not where certain perfumes cause even the scent of pears makes him sneeze

Is a horror junkie and fanatic, being able to quote almost all the scream and Jason movies by heart.

Character Quote: “Got hands like an ocean, push you out, pull you back in”

If your character had a patronus what would it be? and why?: Probably would be a hawk. Hawks are clever creatures but their precision to detail and focus is what makes me feel like Dane would inevitably muster up this corporal sign. Focused, executing plan lethally and effectively….yeah, reminds me of my boy a lot.

WRITING SAMPLE

“God damn it Imogen can you just shut up!” he screamed, causing his magic to lunge behind the girl—igniting, torching the lamp post. It was a long night and being forced with the girl caused his blood to finally boil over. At first spark, the fire caused her to jump on her heels and away from the accident.

“What the fuck Dane, control yourself.” she replied, like a viper, while her eyes cut deeply into him.

Seeing her judge him like that almost caused him to scorch another object around them, yet he took a breath instead. Almost as hot as he felt he exhaled while turning away. You’d think both signs, both ruled under their elemental house would have had a stronger bond—yet it was opposite. Their hearts and soul might burn with the same passion fueled by fire, but their minds were too differential.Sporadic, popular, care free…a child through and through, while Dane’s was fabricated, steely focused on the next task, aggressive. They were frankly oil and water, hell even gasoline and an open flame. Combustible, volatile, the two’s presence could cause others around them to feel the pressure and heat from the fire and vigor they could muster. Dane’s glances were still out and away from her, but with another breath he turned to look at her—more calculated and reserved. “I am under control, but I don’t think you understand how important it is to realize what’s happening to us; to all of us.” he started, her smug grin only making him want to smear it across her features. “This isn’t just ooooh we are witches or some shit, this isn’t fucking Harry Potter…what we have, what we can do!” his hand pointing behind her as the post was barely smoldering at that point. “We are dangerous….so fucking grow up.”

Would his words change her? Would they form chains of reason that would bind her to their world and not whatever world she vacationed to? Probably not but since the twelve had met things have been escalating, their powers were magnificent yet deeply strong. Some were more passive than the others but like Dane’s they were active,aggressive and made him worry. Was he the only one taking things seriously? Since most have been acting like they were still college students, still going to Frat parties, and cramming for studies. However his mind was clouded, his plans were altered, and this architect needed things to go as he envisioned them.

“Dane seriously, you need to stop worrying. All you do is bitch, brood, or suck any fun out of everything. This is a gift not some responsibility, so worry about that than all of us. You aren’t our babysitter.” she responded with such an air that it teetered or the truth and arrogance, “Even so, I think you are the one that needs more control.” smiling before she walked passed him and back into the party.

ANYTHING ELSE?

My favorite colour is slate.

#accepted #aries

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unicorn5454 · 6 years

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“Get to Know Me” Tag

I was tagged by @philippcarlyle, thank you so much for that! This literally is the first time I was ever tagged in anything ;)

Rules: Answer 30 questions then tag 20 blogs you would like to know better

1. Nickname: Lizz

2. Gender: female

3. Star Sign: wait a sec, I have to go google the English name for it... So, technically it’s Aries, but I was meant to be born as a Gemini.

4. Height: 172cm (which would be 5,6 feet)

5. Time: 8:12pm

6. Birthday: March 23

7. Favorite Band(s): Kasalla, Cat Balou, Echosmith, Toten Hosen

8. Favorite Solo Artist(s): Louane, Lena

9. Song Stuck In My Head: One Day at a Time (theme song of the magnificent Netflix series One Day at a Time - if you haven’t watched it yet, what are you still doing here?)

10. Last Movie Watched: I’m not sure... I think it was a Tatort I watched with my parents when I was visiting them last week

11. Last Show I watched: One Day at a Time

12. When Did I Create My Blog: I don’t know and I don’t know where to look it up... Sometime around 2015, I think...

13. What Do You Post: I started out mostly posting Harry Potter, but by now simply whatever catches my eye on my dash and whatever I’m currently interested in, so it’s a wild mix

14. Last Thing I Googled: cm to feet (yes, for question 4, because what even is feet???)

15. Do You Have Any Other Blogs: nope

16. Do you get asks: nope, I think I don’t have enough follower for that

17. Why Did You Choose Your URL: it’s based on the user name I got on the old Pottermore years ago - I based my fanfiktion.de account name based on that, mixed up some numbers in that process and now I’m using some variation of unicorn54 basically for every account I have

18. Following: about 120

19. Followers: 46

20. Favourite Colour(s): red

21. Average Hours Of Sleep: something around 7

22. Lucky Number: 13

23. Instruments: clarinet and saxophone - I’d like to be able to play the piano or the guitar though

24. What Am I Wearing: black jogging pants, a white shirt and a red jacket

25. How Many Blankets Do I Sleep With: one

26. Dream Job: as long as it has to do with books I’ll do almost everything

27. Dream Trip: traveling aroung in the UK

28. Favorite Food: chocolate, lasagne, pancakes

29. Nationality: German

30. Favourite Song Now: Son of a Preacher Man, Dann sammle ich Steine, Denkmal

tagging: I don’t think I even know 20 people on here, so I’ll just tag some people

@ifinallycanbreath I basically should already know all of that about you, but this is fun, so why not? ;)

@sternguckerin If you want to? As I said, it is fun ;)

@mondfeder5402 I know most of that stuff already, but it’d be great to read it anyway!

@desteros27 I see you so much on my dash but we didn’t really talk yet, so if you want to join?

And everyone else who wants to do the tag too, feel free to do so!

#get to know me #tag #my post

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finding--cat · 7 years

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To read Part I, click here.

To view the story page, click here.

I post new instalments on Fridays at 6pm EST. If you give it a read, please don’t be afraid to let me know what you think :) And thank you to those who left comments after last week’s instalment - I didn’t post some due to spoilers, but I so appreciate your readership!

Part II: The Songbird

As it has been said: Love and a cough cannot be concealed. Even a small cough. Even a small love. - Anne Sexton, from the poem ‘Small Wire’

2.1

It’s a cursed town, they’ve begun to say. Niall hears it in whispers amongst the patrons at Sherman’s and at the pharmacy filling Mickey’s prescriptions. No jobs for the coal miners, no health coverage for the sick. You hear more and more about kids enlisting straight after high school to be taken out of state to serve. There’s nothing for anyone in Tillson City anymore. No jobs, no security, no future.

But it’s this time of year – late summer, with the leaves just past their ripeness and sunlight turning from yellow to filmy gold - that the whispers collect in his mind, bouncing off the walls inside his head in a chorus of accusations. Cursed town. Cursed town. And it has nothing to do with unemployment or mortgaging one’s house to pay for chemo.

The Mighty Bobcats of Tillson City High haven’t competed for a football title in seven years. They’ve barely come within spitting distance of playoff season ever since Niall’s graduating year. Locals crowd the stands every Friday night decked out in burgundy and yellow warpaint, but the team suffers loss after crushing loss without explanation. There’s no real reason why a team that once took state three years in a row now can’t get its act together. Same coach, same training, same strategies. By all accounts, failure doesn’t make sense.

For a crumbling backwater American town, high school football is all it has to hinge its pride on. So it’s not just the team that suffers defeat, but the entire town along with it. And it’s this time of year that Niall hears the whispers grow louder, this time of year that he shrugs his jacket higher on his shoulders to protect himself from the glares that pass him in town.

The town is cursed, they say. And they don’t have to point a finger for Niall to believe he’s the one who cursed it.

“Ari… this is Olive.”

From Ari’s circumspect, bewildered expression as Olive gleefully crosses the room and hops onto the bed on all fours, Niall realizes she doesn’t get it. Only problem is there’s no time to explain – Olive demands answers.

“This won’t open!” she announces with a deeply furrowed brow, draping herself across Ari’s legs without shame as she practically hurls a package at Niall in effort to reach him. “Will you open it?”

Niall promptly sits up, though Ari’s less able to do so with a child restricting the movement of her legs. He raises his eyebrows and cocks his head – after all these years, it’s still his best attempt at a stern look – and holds what appears to be a gummy snack in one hand. “I’d do it for you, but only if I heard the magic word.”

“Please!” she cries, rising up on Ari’s legs only to drop down in the most theatrical woe-is-me display Ari’s surely ever seen. “Pleasepleasepleaseplease—”

“All right, all right,” Niall chuckles. He tries in vain to open the package and then shoos Olive off the bed with instructions to fetch the scissors. “But hold them how I taught you!” he calls after her. “And do not run with them! Olive, you hear me?”

Once her shout of acknowledgement comes from the kitchen, Niall can finally turn to Ari. She’s edging her way off the bed and straightening her cardigan, eyes blown wide and spine straight as a rod.

“She must’ve just gotten home,” Niall says, quiet and apologetic. “Sorry. I should’ve given you a warning. She can be loud and gets in everybody’s business, which is why—”

“Got ‘em!” Olive yells, followed by the clang of utensils as the cutlery drawer slams shut. Niall points his index finger at her as she approaches until she slows to a power walk, holding the scissors out with her hand covering the blades. “Open it now!” she urges. “Quick! Please hurry!”

“Slow down, squidge. What’s the rush?”

“Please!”

“Olive!” Z’s voice cuts through the house faster than Niall’s scissors can make an incision. The screen door creaks behind him. “If I found out you’ve opened that snack, young lady!”

In a display fit for a Broadway audition, Olive seems to lose control of all limbs and joints and crumbles lifelessly to the floor with a moan. Along with Ari, Niall peeks over the edge of the bed to find her collapsed on the rug, head in her hands.

“All right down there?”

Despondent, she grumbles, “You missed me my chance.”

Grinning, Niall exchanges a glance with a still-bewildered Ari. He opens his mouth to provide context just as Z materializes in the doorway, his mouth drawn in a thin line.

“Olive Sarima, what did I tell you?”

Olive groans incoherently.

“What did I tell you? Chin up.”

Obediently, she raises her head, shoulder-length hair escaping from pigtails and falling away from her face. She glares back at him with fire in her dark eyes.

“Treats are for dessert,” she says robotically.

“That’s right. Have we eaten dinner yet?”

She huffs. “No.”

“No, we haven’t.” With that, Z shifts his irritated stare to Niall. “She’s had enough sugar today, if you couldn’t tell—oh.” He stops mid-sentence as he catches Ari in the corner of his eye. She still hasn’t said a word and stands stock-still near the end of the bed, watching the scene unfold with little to no idea of what’s happening. “Sorry. I didn’t—we didn’t know you’d have someone over. Sorry.” Z raises his palms to prove he meant no harm. Then he hisses, “Olive! Off the floor, let’s go!”

She whines.

That does it for an at-wit’s-end Z, who strides across the room and lifts her boneless body. As he leaves the room carrying her like a football, he mutters in her ear, “We don’t go barging into people’s private spaces without asking permission. You know that’s rude.”

“But it’s Niall! I always go in his room whenever I want!”

“Shh!”

When their voices fade into the kitchen, Niall finally has a chance to reconnect with Ari – though he’s not sure he should even try, given what just took place. Guaranteed she’s mentally packing her bags and leaving him in the dust.

“I…” he begins, swinging his legs over the bed and holding out his hands as if he has a physical explanation to offer. But his words hitch in his throat and all he can do is shake his head in apology, prompting Ari to laugh.

She laughs.

In a moment nearly as dramatic as Olive’s, Niall’s shoulders slump and he falls backwards onto the bed in relief. “So sorry,” he says, rubbing at his eyes in hopes this is a dream and somewhere, in reality, he’s still making out with the beautiful girl he somehow managed to lure into his bedroom. That doesn’t happen often. Or at all, if he’s honest. He’ll have to remember to thank Olive for her glorious interruption. “Should have told you… should have explained.”

“That you live with a child?” Ari finishes for him, thankfully still giggling.

Niall drops his hand but continues to lie flat on his back. “Yes. I live with her and Z, and she’s – they’re – well, it can get noisy and intrusive around here.”

Ari edges her way around the bed and plops down beside him, glancing over her shoulder as he continues to dig at his eyes. “She’s… I mean, Olive. She’s Zayn’s?”

It’s a straightforward question, but Ari watches him carefully, as if nervous of his response. He offers a grin and his hands flop to his stomach, prompting a great gust of air to expel from his lips. “Yeah,” he chuckles, “can you tell?”

She nods. “They look similar.”

“Look at some of Z’s family photos from when he was her age and you’ll have trouble tellin’ ‘em apart.”

“The hair might do it.”

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?”

Ari laughs. She opens her mouth to ask another question but doesn’t manage to say more than a word before Olive’s voice rings out.

“NIALL! NIALL! NIALL!”

He closes his eyes and shakes his head in another silent apology to Ari. “YES? YES? YES?” he shouts back.

“’Member you said you’d make cornbread?”

“I’ll make the cornbread, Olive—” Z starts.

“No, Niall!” she insists. “He makes it better than you, Baba.”

Niall exchanges a secret smile with Ari. “I do make it better,” he says.

“I believe it,” she whispers back. “You made a pretty good watermelon the other night.”

Niall bursts with a guffawing laugh, which gives Olive permission to rejoin them. Her feet pitter-patter across the hardwood as she scrambles from the kitchen to the bedroom, poking her head inside and begging Niall to help with dinner. He apologizes again to Ari – verbally, this time – but she doesn’t seem to mind and even allows Olive to take her hand and drag her out of the room and into the kitchen.

Z’s got his head stuck in the fridge, but when he locates the stalk of broccoli Niall bought yesterday, he pulls it out and slams the door. He startles at his audience, cheeks reddening under Ari’s inquisitive gaze.

“This is Zayn,” Niall jumps in, because he knows that look on Z’s face – he’s caught off guard, put on the spot and not thrilled about it. Z’s anxiety is going through the roof at the presence of someone he doesn’t know in his home. “My roommate. He’s… well, I’ve told you about him. We’ve been friends forever. Z, this is Ari. She’s here from Long Island.”

Z reaches across the counter to shake Ari’s hand, mumbling another apology. “You’re the one he took to Mickey’s?”

Ari nods, breaking into a smile.

“We were there today,” Niall adds.

“Isn’t Mickey just your favourite?” Olive asks, leaning comfortably against Niall’s hip and staring up at Ari. Crossing her arms, she says matter-of-factly, “He always has jujubes.”

“He’s pretty great,” Ari agrees. She eyes Niall. “Though I haven’t seen any of these famous jujubes.”

Olive climbs up on the stool at the counter to be level with the adults. “I’m Olive,” she announces, “not named after the food, ‘cause it’s yucky.”

“Actually, you were named after the food,” Z says, busying himself with a knife and cutting board.

“Nuh uh,” she argues, “the tree.”

“And what grows on olive trees?”

Resolute and unbending, Olive doesn’t hesitate in her reply. “Leaves.”

Patiently, he prompts, “And…?”

“Fruit.”

“What kind of fruit?”

“Apples and oranges and bananas and—”

“Nay nay,” Niall chimes in as he lifts Olive from the stool and swings her around. “If apples grow on apple trees and bananas grow on banana trees, then what grows on olive trees?”

He thinks he’s led her straight into a trap, but he shouldn’t have been so stupid. Olive is, if nothing else, much cleverer and more strong-willed than he or Z will ever be.

“Me!” she exclaims with a giggle. “Because I’m Olive!”

Z suggests homemade pizza using the frozen dough Niall picked up yesterday. Normally one to pounce on hands-on projects, Olive staunchly rejects his notion and digs her feet into the ground, demanding pinto beans and cornbread – specifically, Niall’s cornbread.

Niall does make the best cornbread.

Roped into culinary tasks, he apologizes profusely to Ari and invites her for dinner. She declines out of politeness. Olive falls to the floor and grabs onto her ankle and begs, fake-crying and adding pretties onto all of her pleases. Ari agrees to stay.

Niall wouldn’t say he’s not embarrassed by Olive’s Shakespearean-level stage acting today, but he also wouldn’t say he’s sad to have more time with Ari. Even if Olive is there, too.

And she is. Olive is there, wherever he is. Niall fetches speakers from his room and Olive trails after him. Niall opens the door to the pantry in search of flour; Olive’s head pops in next to his hip. Niall removes a bag of kitchen trash and takes it outside, Olive hops on her scooter parked next to the garage, does a quick loop and is at his side as he re-enters the house.

It’s annoying.

He’s known her since she was born and lived with her since she was half a year old – Niall’s almost as much of a parent to her as Z, and he has no problem speaking sternly to her. But it’s a little bit strange to do so in front of Ari, especially due to the fact that he wants Olive to go away because of Ari. If he could just have five minutes alone to ask her what that kiss meant to her – well, series of kisses, actually – and maybe, possibly kiss her again, he’d happily allow Olive to be his sidekick for the rest of the week.

But Olive won’t give him that space. And Z, who should notice that his daughter’s being far too clingy and offer to distract her, is nowhere to be found. Sometime between Niall pouring Ari a glass of water and holding Olive upside down and pretending to use her shiny black hair as a mop on the kitchen floor, Z chopped the stems off the broccoli and disappeared without a word.

Also annoying.

But he returns once the cornbread begins to rise in the oven, fresh baked scents wafting up the stairs to the second floor. He descends the stairs slowly, craning his neck over the banister to check if the mysterious girl is still in his house. With her back turned to him, Ari doesn’t notice she’s perceived as an alien, an intruder.

Niall does.

This is their little home, their little nest into which they’ve burrowed to keep each other safe. To have a visitor, even a visitor approved by another member of the nest, is a threat to their protection.

Niall understands that. He should have told Z more about Ari. He shouldn’t have brought her over unannounced.

But Olive likes her, and Niall likes her, and that’s two out of three. Their nest is safe. Z just needs time to get to know her.

Dinner is loud and confusing, and as usual, it’s entirely owing to Olive’s incessant chatter and Niall’s barking laughter. In between buttering Olive’s cornbread and chopping her steamed broccoli into smaller pieces, Z shoots him glares – but that’s no different from normal. He always tells Niall not to encourage her, to allow her to develop some humility, but try as he might, Niall can’t help it. Olive’s retellings of her days at camp or kindergarten are Pulitzer-winning stories, Niall’s convinced. He’s even written a few of them down to share with her again when she’s older – or, as he once confided in Z, to write a children’s book. But that’s secondary to giving Olive the floor at dinnertime and allowing her to express everything that’s on her mind, it really is.

“Best cornbread ever,” Ari declares after dinner. “You were right, Olive – Niall makes the best.”

Niall beams as Olive nods matter-of-factly. “It’s my favourite. Every time it’s my birthday, Baba and Niall ask what I want for dinner and I always say Niall’s cornbread.”

While Niall laughs, Z playfully rolls his eyes. “You asked for cornbread on one birthday, Olive – your fifth birthday in January.”

“Nuh-uh. Every birthday,” she insists.

“You asked for biryani and kebabs for your fourth birthday,” Z recalls.

Olive takes a moment to consider this, and then says, “I like cornbread better.”

Z doesn’t reply – it’s pointless to argue, anyway – but his lips purse in displeasure as he ducks his head and moves his food around his plate with his fork. Niall refrains from adding insult to injury, but he does send Ari a wink. Unaware of Z’s mood, she smiles brilliantly back, teeth and all.

God, he loves her smile.

After dinner, Niall and Z clean up while Olive is finally allowed her gummy snack and drags Ari into the living room to show off her Shopkins collection. Tiny little plastic grocery store items with faces on them, and Niall finds them everywhere – in his truck’s cup holder, in the bathroom sink, in his pillowcase. Olive knows the branded name of every last one and delights in rattling them off in order to a new guest. To any guest, period – it’s rare they have one.

“Everything good?” Niall asks Z, drying with a tea cloth the dishes that have been washed in the sink.

Soapy up to his elbows, Z nods. “Fine,” he says, but he doesn’t spare Niall a glance.

Niall places the final dinner plate in a careful pile and adds quietly, “She’s a really nice person. She just moved to town; she doesn’t know anybody else and we’ve been hanging out.”

To that, Z flashes him a wry look. “What’re you doing?”

Niall takes the plastic cup from his hand and begins drying. “What do you mean?”

“You explaining yourself to me?”

Niall shrugs. “Well, yeah. I brought her over, so I thought I should let you know��”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Z interrupts. His voice isn’t loud – it never is; he’s a gentle man inside and out – but it commands a person. At least, it commands Niall. It always has.

Niall hesitates, gulping. “Yeah, okay.”

“Date whoever you wanna date. Not my business.”

He can’t look at Z anymore, can’t look at someone who’s not even looking back, so he stares at Olive’s cup as he dries it with the tea towel long after the last droplets of water have been wiped away. “Um.” He clears his throat. “We’re not dating.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Z mutters. “I mean, it doesn’t matter to me.”

They finish the cleanup in silence. If Z finally spares him a glance, Niall wouldn’t know – he’s not looking back.

If he works across town at the pub, he might as well drive Ari home at the same time, seeing as she and Sherman’s are within five minutes of one another. No sense in making two trips. Ari happily agrees to stick around until eighty-thirty or so, and Niall sits next to her – close enough to touch – when they get comfortable on the couch to watch an episode of a sitcom before Olive’s bedtime.

“This is a bit of a production,” Niall warns Ari after Z brings Olive upstairs to brush her teeth and change into pajamas.

“She doesn’t like bedtime?”

“She doesn’t like it,” Niall affirms, “she loves it.”

Ari blinks. “She’s one kid in a million.”

“Well, maybe. She’s definitely one in a million with this sort of bedtime ritual.”

“What bedtime ritual?”

He hops up from the couch and grabs Ari’s hand, pulling her to a standing position. “Come on. I’ll show you.”

He grabs his guitar from his room and gestures for Ari to join him on the stairs. He climbs the steps with excitement, continually checking over his shoulder to ensure Ari is following. By the time he reaches the landing, his verve has thawed into a rather morose dread. Maybe this is a terrible idea. When Z’s in a mood, anything new doesn’t go over well.

But it’s too late now, and besides, this is the best part of Niall’s day. He wants to show it to Ari.

“Tiana screamed and ran back inside. The frog followed her. The frog told Tiana she had to kiss him so he would turn back into a human. He promised to grant her a wish as a reward.” Z’s voice filters into the hall from Olive’s room, followed by the turning of the page. “The princess was unsure at first, but the frog was very nice to the princess and told hilarious jokes, so she realized that appearances aren’t important and fell in love with him. Then they lived happily ever after.”

After a dead pause, Olive’s voice bursts into the hall: “That’s it?!”

Ari covers her mouth to stifle a laugh.

“That’s the whole story,” Z finishes patiently.

“But there’s so many more pages!”

“That’s the sequel.”

“What’s a sequel?”

“Part two. When they have half-human, half-frog babies.”

“Eeeeeww! Baba, you made that up!”

“Maybe we’ll get to it tomorrow night. For now, it’s bedtime.”

“I want a song!”

“Not tonight, I’m afraid. Niall’s busy downstairs.”

“Niall’s right here!” Niall calls from the hallway. He puts his finger to his lips, instructing Ari to keep quiet and remain just outside the door. Then he enters Olive’s bedroom, with its lilac comforter and cream-coloured walls and little fairy lights strung along the moulding that took Niall and Z four hours one Sunday afternoon last year. When they’re lit, like they are right now, they cast the most beautiful glow on the olive tree Z painted on the wall behind Olive’s head. He wanted to paint it on the opposite wall so that she could always look at it, but Olive insisted it be painted on the same wall she slept so that, if it rained, she would be shielded by a canopy of leaves. Niall nods at Olive, tucked in with her head propped on a couple of pillows, and Z, who sits at her feet, and asks, “What will tonight’s performance be?”

“The Mighty Jungle!” Olive exclaims.

“We did that one last night,” Z says.

“Do it again!”

“How about…” Niall takes a seat on the top of the wooden trunk housing all of Olive’s winter clothing and begins to tune his guitar. “How about Spice Girls? If you wanna be my lover…”

He strums a chord, but Z holds up a palm to silence him. “Nothing too upbeat. Olive needs something soft and slow to lull her to sleep. Someone’s a bit excited, huh?”

“Not me,” she counters, but Niall already has a song in mind. He picks a few strings until Z’s eyes meet his in recognition, and slows down the tempo at the bow of Z’s head. They can read each other like that, in music and in life.

When Z sings the first words, Niall casts a stray glance to the door. Ari keeps herself hidden, but peeks around the doorframe and grins at him. He grins broadly back, because the truth is that this is where he’s happy. Performing is a part of him and it’s what he wants to do with his life, but here in this little bedroom with his little makeshift family is where Niall feels most himself. He can sing a million songs with a million beautiful words, but none of them will ever beat out of his chest if he’s not performing with Z.

They don’t perform this song often – Olive never really warms to the slower ballads – but Niall improvises vocally on the chorus in harmony to Z’s dulcet tones.

“And the songbirds are singin’ like they know the score,” he sings, voice soft, careful not to overpower Z. “And I love you, I love you, I love you like never before.”

It’s always been one of Niall’s favourites, which therefore made it one of Z’s least favourites. Growing up, Z was influenced by the likes of Bad Religion, System of a Down, and Rammstein, while Niall was enamored with Brooks & Dunn and Alan Jackson and 70’s rock and roll. Pop punk and alternative is where they met in the middle, but they tend to bring their own true loves to Olive’s bedtime ritual. Z makes him strum along to Rise Against, while Niall frequently breaks out Kacey Musgraves and The Rolling Stones. Before Olive, Z didn’t know a single lyric by Fleetwood Mac. And look at him now, singing the most beautiful rendition of Songbird Niall’s ever heard. He’s proud of himself for that – proud of how the music, no matter what kind, brings Z to life, even after all these years and all this time away from it.

“’Cause I feel that when I’m with you, it’s all right,” Z sings, reaching out to brush Olive’s hair. “I know it’s right.”

Olive burrows into her covers, tucking her chin to her chest and grinning at her father. She watches him exclusively when he sings – and why shouldn’t she? He’s mesmerizing, and every word of his song is meant for her. Niall watches him, too, familiar enough with his fretboard to pick along without looking.

“And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score,” Z sings, glancing at Niall as he harmonizes. Niall’s grin is lost in midair as Z turns back to Olive to finish the final notes of the song: “And I love you, I love you, I love you like never before.”

Niall strums the song to a gentle conclusion. Before he closes the last note, Olive cries, “Again!”

Z chuckles. “Don’t think so, squidge. It’s time for you to have a nice, long sleep and rest up for the week.”

Olive pouts but doesn’t protest. With the neck of his guitar in one hand, Niall crosses the room and bends down to kiss Olive’s forehead. “Night, squidge. See you in the morning. Cheerios or Corn Flakes?”

“Cheerios, please,” Olive answers definitively.

“With a side of berries or banana?”

“Banana.”

“Gotcha.” He winks at her, patting Z on the shoulder as he exits the room. He’d stay until the lights are turned out, but Z likes to have Olive to himself for a minute or two before he says his final goodnight. Niall supposes that’s fair – if he had his own, he might want them to himself every once in a while, too.

Ari’s waiting at the top of the stairwell when he exits the doorway, her arms crossed and her shoulders against the wall. She pushes herself off the wall with her foot as he approaches, eyes alight in wonderment and lips stretched into a contagious smile.

As she follows Niall downstairs, she murmurs into his ear, “I see what you mean about Zayn’s voice.”

“Right? He could sing a choir of angels to tears.”

That much is true – there’s no denying it.

“You two are amazing together,” Ari gushes, trailing Niall to his bedroom off the kitchen. “No wonder Olive won’t go to sleep without a bedtime performance. It’s too good to pass up.”

Niall throws her a smile as he grabs his guitar case from his closet and tosses it onto his bed to begin packing up for work. “Thanks. We’ve been playing for her ever since I moved in – she was just a few months old. She’s pretty used to us by now, so it’s nice to get an outsider’s opinion.”

“If she ever gets bored, I’ll take her place,” Ari jokes, looming in the doorway. “Wouldn’t mind my own private concert.”

“Give you one anytime you want.” Niall means it genuinely, but he doesn’t miss the way her cheeks pinken at his suggestion.

Once the truck is packed with Niall’s guitar and equipment, he joins Ari in the entrance and pats himself down in search of his keys. Z’s descending the stairs running a hand through his disheveled hair and yawning.

“Thanks for having me, Zayn,” Ari says, taking him off guard as he steps to the main floor. She holds out her hand to shake, which he reluctantly reciprocates. “You have a really nice home, and Olive is so wonderful.”

Bewildered, all Z can muster is a meek, “Thank you.”

“See you soon, I hope.”

“Uh… yeah.” Z rubs the back of his neck as Ari turns, exiting through the front door before Niall.

All Niall can do is offer Z another smile, which Z does not return, and add, “See you tomorrow,” before following Ari to the truck.

When he pulls out of the drive, the moon out and the sky dark, Z’s outline is illuminated in the living room window – unmoving, unreadable, but most certainly watching them go.

“I’m exhausted,” Ari says as Niall drives them through the winding, tree-lined roads. “Next time I’ll leave half my blunt for Mickey.”

He nearly chokes on his laughter. “You’d kill the old bastard with pleasure. Then my Gram’d kill me.”

“I want to go with you tonight, but I think I’d fall asleep – and that’s no offense to you,” she adds quickly. “I just need to crawl into bed and sleep it off.”

Niall reckons she’s right, but that’s not what strikes him. He doesn’t make a habit of tearing his eyes from the twisty roads once the sun’s gone down, but he can’t help sneaking a glance Ari’s way and lingering on her for a few moments. Even huddling in her cardigan, wind whipping her hair around her face, she’s beautiful.

“You’d go with me?” he asks, voice cracking in his attempt to suppress his excitement.

“Of course.” Ari looks over and grins at his surprise. “I like to watch you perform.”

“Same old stuff pretty much every night, you know.”

“I was told you take requests.”

He chuckles. “That I do. If you really had it out for me, you could make the night pretty interesting.”

“Maybe I do. And maybe I will, one of these nights.” She smirks.

“That’d be good.” He clears his throat and tries again: “I mean, yeah. I’d like that.”

Giggling to herself, Ari leans back in the seat and sinks her hands into the sleeves of her cardigan. “Can I ask you something?”

Niall nods, murmuring an affinitive response. He licks his lips, mentally preparing a response to a question he’s sure she’s about to ask: I liked the kiss. I’ve wanted to kiss you since the night we met. If you’ll let me, I’ll do it again.

“Olive,” Ari begins, and Niall’s hopes sink to his gut, “is she yours?”

He sighs. “Z’s.”

“I know. I know biologically she’s his, it’s just that the two of you are raising her together, so I wondered if it was like a ‘two dads’ scenario.”

“Uh…” he trails, jaw hanging as he searches for an explanation and then ends up laughing awkwardly. “No. Nah, it’s not like that. Z’s her baba and I’ve never been anything but Niall to her.”

Ari nods, though it’s clear she has some remaining questions precariously perched on the tip of her tongue.

So Niall elaborates for her. “Z started seeing someone as soon as we moved to NYC for college. She wasn’t even a student; he met her because she always seemed to be at every gig we went to and every one we played. Before we finished the year, she was pregnant. And at the end of the summer, Z decided he couldn’t go back to school – not when his younger sisters deserved an education; he couldn’t ask his parents to foot the bill for both his tuition and a baby, you know? So he dropped out, quit the band, and brought Mel back here to have the baby.”

Ari takes a while to process this story. She opens her mouth and just as Niall expects the inevitable follow-up questions, she heaves a sigh and says, “Oh.”

Niall bites down on his lip and chews before drawling out of the corner of his mouth, “Yeeeeah.” A quick glimpse of Ari confirms she’s studying him, awaiting a bigger reaction. “Didn’t work out, obviously. Z’s family’s kind of religious, even if he’s not. Back then, his room was the one I live in now. Mel moved in and his mom had a huge problem with that. His dad was furious, would barely talk to him, said he ruined his one shot and that was that. It was a tense living environment for those few months. His parents wanted them to get married before the baby was born, but of course Mel had no intention of converting, so… it was a situation.”

“Oh, God.”

“Allah, actually.”

Ari snorts, though she doesn’t smile as she shakes her head.

“Sorry. Anyway, Z was caught between this pressure from his parents and resistance from Mel. They had no money and totally relied on the Maliks, and going back to New York to stay with Mel’s parents wasn’t an option. Later on, after Olive was born, Z found out she hadn’t even told her parents she was pregnant.”

“That’s horrible,” Ari whispers, curling her hands into fists. “She must have been so afraid. And so alone.”

“I think so, yeah. But we’ll never know. She gave birth, came home with Z and Olive for a week, then one morning he woke up and she was gone. Nothing left but a note saying she was sorry and not to contact her again.”

Niall doesn’t mean to be emotionless, but he’s hard as concrete when it comes to this story. He has to be – for Z’s sake, for Olive’s sake, for his own sake. With a shrug, he flicks on his blinker and turns left onto Ari’s road.

“So Olive doesn’t… she’s never met her mother?”

“Nope. She asks about her every so often, especially since she started school last year. She sees the other kids with their mommies and makes the connection that she’s without.”

“What do you tell her?”

“Z likes to tell her he’s her father and her mother – he’ll be both, whatever she needs. As for me, I tell her that sometimes people can’t stay with us, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love us.”

He’s repeated the phrase a hundred times, but it still causes him to pull in his brows. One day, he’ll tell her the real story, just like Gram and Gramps did for him. They spared him until he was eleven or twelve and in a real state, threatening not to listen to their orders because they weren’t his real parents. That’s when they had to sit him down and say, real loud and clear, that they were the only damn parents he was ever gonna get because the others were well and gone and never coming back.

The truck studders to a halt alongside the Hawley driveway. Niall kills the ignition as silence befalls them. When the headlights shut off, the only thing illuminating the road is the front window of the house, where inside, Jackson and Rosen sit watching TV.

When Niall finally musters the courage to face Ari, she’s got a statement poised on her lips. “She’s lucky to have you and Zayn.”

He cracks a half-smile. “Thanks.”

“Is that why Zayn enlisted your help with Olive? Because you always know the right thing to say?”

He chuckles. “Don’t know about that. No, that’s not why. He did it alone for the first five or six months, actually. Well, he had his parents, but he was always resistant about accepting their help. I was home the next summer at the sawmill when his parents went out of state to move his sister into an apartment. Z called me, sobbing – said he accidentally locked Olive in the car with the keys. He was panicking, losing his mind.”

“Oh, no.”

“I rushed over to wait with him while MCA were en route to unlock his car. I remember thinking, oh my God, the poor little baby, she’ll be traumatized forever. When I got there, she was fast asleep in her carseat – had no idea about all the chaos revolving around her.”

“The whole time?”

“The whole time,” he affirms with a nod. He unbuckles his seatbelt and angles his body toward Ari, his elbow resting on the console. “Everything turned out fine, of course. Problem was an easy fix, though it took a while for MCA to get to us. But I remember afterwards, when Z finally got in the car, he grabbed Olive from her carseat and hugged her to him, tears running down his face. Totally inconsolable. And he looked at me and said, ‘Niall, I can’t do this.’ We both looked at the sleeping baby in his arms and I told him, ‘You have to. For Olive, you have to.’” Niall sighs, wincing at the memory. “We stuck close after that. I moved in for the rest of the summer. Then it was September, and I never went back to school.”

Ari traces her hand over the console, her fingertips so close to his. “You gave all that up for Zayn?”

He nods, taking a leap of faith and linking his fingers with hers as her hand skirts by on the console. She doesn’t pull away.

“Blood’s not thicker than water,” he tells her with a small shrug. Then, with a sheepish smile, he adds, “Or maybe it is, but then that means your friends become blood after a while. Or maybe they become molasses. Or a brick wall.”

She chuckles. “Thicker than water, all right.”

“Mm hmm. In any event, this is how things turned out – me, Z, and Olive. This is how it is.”

Her eyes lower to their interlinked fingers. A small squeeze of her hand sends his ribcage aflutter as though someone’s torn the lining of a pillow and all the feathers are scattered about.

“I can see the appeal,” she remarks quietly.

He quirks an eyebrow and stifles a sardonic laugh. “Can you?”

“Yeah.” She locks eyes with him, pupils unwavering. “You might not believe me, but I can. And I envy it.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s that there’s nothing to envy.” Worried she might pull away, Niall tightens his grip for a moment and then goes lax. Their hands remain entwined. “Z busts his ass interning at a brokerage in Madison and stays up late at night doing online classes to progress his career. I play the same old shit for the same old crowds every night, and during the day I’m Olive’s babysitter, part-time contributor to GuitarWeekly magazine – which produces once monthly, by the way – and my grandpa’s drug dealer.” He shakes his head without expression until Ari laughs at the ridiculousness of it. Cracking a wry smile, he finishes, “That’s our life. No glam, no glory.”

“Boring people need glam and glory to be entertained,” Ari counters evenly. “I don’t care for it. Do you?”

Niall’s smile broadens. “’M here, aren’t I? Middle o’ buttfuck nowhere.”

“Me, too.” Her smile fades as she takes her lip between her teeth and studies his expression. Niall’s in the midst of working up the courage to lean over the console and kiss her again when she interrupts his train of thought. “And it may not be exciting to you, to live here and lead a non-glamorous life, but to me, it’s more than I’ve allowed myself to think about in a long time. Being close with people like that – like you are with Zayn and Olive and your grandparents – that’s something I don’t really know anymore. And it’s not because I cut anyone out of my life, it’s just that I forgot how to be myself. Now, when I talk to the people I’ve known forever, I spend most of the conversation trying to figure out if they’re talking to someone I used to be.”

He exhales slowly, trying not to make a sound. He stretches his joints, and as Ari slides her palm over his, he clasps her fingers, reluctant to let go.

“That must be hard,” he murmurs, “to feel like the people you trust are projecting onto an old version of you.”

“It is sometimes,” she agrees. “I don’t want to disappoint them, but I don’t know that person anymore. I can’t be her, whoever she was.”

He shrugs half-heartedly. “For what it’s worth, I don’t know who you used to be, but I like who you are now. I like hangin’ out with you.”

Ari’s eyes glisten – whether it’s from the shine of the moonlight or pent-up tears, Niall’s not going to guess – but she manages a watery smile. “I don’t make you feel empty?” she asks, using the tiniest inflection to make her statement into a question. Brows pulled together, she looks to Niall for an answer.

It takes a moment for Niall to determine how to respond to a heartbreaking question like that, but when he speaks, it’s with conviction.

“No. Empty is when you play the chords and sing the words, but the song never breaks through your skin. With you, I might not have all the words memorized and I might play the chords different every time, but that’s because I feel the music.”

The pools in her eyes turn to small puddles as she giggles and backs away, leaning against the back of the seat and disconnecting their hands. “Very smooth. Music analogy – well done.”

He sticks his tongue out of the side of his mouth in a goofy grin. “I play to my strengths.”

“I can see that. All right, dealer slash musician slash writer slash babysitter – get to work. And thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime.” Niall holds his fist to the girl climbing out of his truck. He instantly regrets it as she stares at it for a few moments and then, slowly, presses her fist to his. She snorts in amusement to herself as she hops down to the ground.

As soon as she shuts the door, Niall exhales deeply and shakes his head. Idiot.

Then his feet are working faster than his brain and he’s out of the truck, jogging around to meet Ari at the hood. She comes to a halt with raised brows.

“We meet again?”

“Yeah. Sorry,” he rushes, breathless from a sudden injection of adrenaline. He runs a hand through his hair. “Just had one last thing to say.”

“Okay?”

With a huff of resolve, he steps forward until he looks down at her. Once he has her eye, he tucks a stray hair behind her ear and bends his head to press a gentle kiss to her lips. It’s over within seconds and Niall’s heart is pumping out of his ears, but when he allows himself to open his eyes, it’s to the welcome sight of Ari grinning at him.

“Those weren’t words,” she whispers.

Lips together, Niall smiles sheepishly. “They were to me.”

She gives him an elbow nudge on her way past. “See you soon,” she says over her shoulder.

Niall leans against the hood of the truck to see her into the house, unable to offer more than a weak smile when she waves him off and shuts the front door.

Well. No matter which way he looks at it now, he’s fucked for her.

He pulls into the drive just after midnight. The crowds never stay quite as late on Sundays, and that’s fine with Niall. Monday mornings are difficult enough trying to wrangle Olive into an outfit and get her back into a weekday routine; he doesn’t need to couple it with severe sleep deprivation. He’s looking forward to crawling into bed even though he doesn’t expect the sandman to visit for an hour or two. There are plenty of thoughts of Ari’s lips swimming in his head that should keep him company until then.

Z always leaves the porch light on, which helps Niall guide his key into the lock. In return, he vows to always be quiet when he enters. Z needs his sleep and Niall wouldn’t dare wake Olive, so he’s trained himself to step lightly, to avoid the creakiest floorboards on his way to the kitchen, and to extinguish a lamp in one room when he lights a lamp in another. Z hasn’t heard him enter the house at night in over a year.

Tonight, however, Niall steps out of his shoes, turns the lock on the door, and spins around to see the glow of television casting light on Z’s face. He sits on the couch, feet propped on the coffee table and arms folded across his chest, listening intently to the drone of the nightly news. He’s cleaned up: Olive’s toys are returned to a bucket kept along the wall, the cushions and tables are cleared and in order, and a full trash bag sits by the back door. Z gets like that sometimes when he’s stressed – he goes on a tidying streak.

“Hey.” Niall stops in front of the doorframe, guitar held to his side.

Z looks up. “Hey.”

“You’re still up.”

He nods. He’s been growing his hair and using product to push it back, but the product wears thin at this time of night and a strand falls across his forehead. Niall likes it better like this, soft and unkempt.

“Everything ok?” Niall asks, voice light and concerned. “Is Olive…?”

“She’s fine,” Z replies, his voice just as gentle. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh.”

Niall pauses for a beat, but when Z returns his attention to the television, Niall gives up and shuffles to his room. He tucks his guitar into the closet and removes his long-sleeved tee. Then, after a quick trip to the bathroom and poking his head in the fridge, he rejoins Z in the living room with two bottles of water. He throws one to Z and keeps one for himself as he plops down next to him on the couch.

“Thanks,” says Z, cracking open the bottle and taking a long gulp as the weather forecaster predicts partial cloud for tomorrow.

“Anything good on?”

“Seinfeld reruns.”

Z glances at Niall, stretching his head back and baring his teeth in a yawn. “Go to bed,” he says, switching the channel and then tapping the top of Niall’s head with the remote.

“You go to bed,” he argues. Niall intends to nudge him in the side but ends up leaning into his warmth, the cotton of Z’s shirt soft against Niall’s bare arms.

It’s their most pathetic, childish form of ribbing one another – then again, they live with a five-year-old, so it’s hard to grow out of it. Elaine and Jerry argue onscreen as Niall sinks into the couch, nesting against Z’s side. Z folds his arms across his chest to make room for him there.

They don’t do this, cuddle on the couch at one in the morning on a Monday. Maybe Z really couldn’t sleep, Niall thinks, and maybe he should leave him alone to doze off. But Z, ever the affectionate roommate, opens his chest to Niall with eyes trained to the screen, arm sliding halfway around his back and hand coming to rest atop Niall’s fluffy head. Niall thinks he should protest, ask Z what’s really going on, but then Z starts scratching and petting, fingers roaming absently through Niall’s hair as his chest rumbles with quiet laughter at a line George delivers. He knows Niall loves this, knows Niall can’t possibly resist having his hair played with – it’s his secret crutch, the one thing that could cause him to fall dead asleep in the middle of a hurricane – and sure enough, within a few seconds, Niall’s curling up and fighting to stay awake. He burrows into Z’s body heat, tucks his hands under his opposite armpits, and lets his head loll to his shoulder as Z’s fingers in his hair send shiver after shiver rippling down his spine.

His eyes fly open at the sudden blare of a Rav4 commercial. Z is quick to reach for the remote and mute it, but Niall blinks once, hard, and wonders how long he’s been out. Z’s hand still rests on his head, but his fingers have ceased their dizzying scratching.

“Sorry,” Z whispers against his hair.

“S’okay,” Niall murmurs. His voice is deep and surprises him with how groggy it is.

He shifts on the couch, pulling away from Z’s warmth to look up at him. Z stares back, warm brown eyes fond and inviting.

“Why’re you really up?” he asks, using the heel of his hand to rub his tired eyes.

“Told you. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Why not?”

Z shrugs, tongue curling in his mouth like it does when he’s carefully stringing words together in his head. “Seeing my baba for lunch tomorrow,” he admits, slowly untangling himself from Niall as though the magic between them is suddenly lost. “Know he’s gonna offer me a position again.”

“Say no,” Niall tells him, because it’s really as simple as that. Mr. Malik’s been pressuring his son for over a year to join his brokerage in Charleston, but Z would need to finish his schooling at an accelerated rate. That would mean going back full-time, leaving Tillson City to finish, and having to give up Olive for six months to a year.

“I will.” Z nods, side-eyeing Niall as though it’s obvious. “Not always that easy, though. Not when he throws money and Olive’s future back in my face.”

Niall runs his teeth over his bottom lip and searches for the gentlest way to express himself. “Tell him we’re fine,” he urges. “Olive has a future. Just because it’s taking you longer to get to yours, doesn’t mean hers is sacrificed. We’ll figure it out – we always do.”

Z nods again, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows. He turns his eyes back to the television and then drops his gaze to the remote. His thumb hovers over the mute button.

Unable to look Niall in the eye, he quietly, pleadingly asks, “Will you come with me?”

Niall watches him, waiting for the confidence of Z’s gaze, but it never comes. So Niall shifts away from him on the couch, fist to his mouth as he clears his throat. “Yeah,” he mutters. “’Course I will.”

Z mumbles a note of gratitude before turning on the sound. Kramer bursts into Jerry’s apartment unannounced just as Niall decides he’s got to go to bed. It’s time to disengage.

So he pushes himself to a standing position, stretching his arms above his head and hissing at the cold air that breaches his bared lower belly. When he turns to face Z, he finds that eyes are already on him.

“Gotta sleep,” he says, patting Z’s calves until he lifts them from the coffee table to allow Niall passage. “You should, too.”

“I will,” Z promises, though he makes no move to stand. “Goodnight.”

On his way to his room, Niall runs a hand through his hair and still feels Z’s fingers there.

“Night.”

#tls #my writing #1dff #niall horan fan fiction

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