WHEW okay. ROUGH fucking start to the morning but things are gonna be okay now. putting under a cut for people who don't care abt my endless unrelenting medical drama but for those who do. Come On This Fucking Journey With Me.

so, necessary background.

i have been having intermittent medical emergencies since february and my doctor has been trying since march to get me a specialist rheumatology appointment. the rheumatology clinic keeps ignoring the referral and/or saying that they need more paperwork and documentation for it.

my doctor has at this point provided them with

her physical observations of my visibly abnormal symptoms

all of the many many many many Many medications i've been prescribed and their effects on said symptoms

multiple different types of positive ANA showing i have uncontrolled progressive autoimmune disease

all my negative antibody tests (have yet to test positive for any one specific antibody)

my doctor - who is excellent - has also followed up with them repeatedly to try to get me scheduled. because i am dying. like i try not to be super dramatic here bc i don't like worrying people and maybe i'm overblowing my symptoms but like. when you're at the point that one of your partners schedules an impromptu overnight flight to come up and monitor you for a week bc your other partner is on vacation & you're in danger of stroking and being unable to call an ambulance for yourself if someone isn't in the room to notice the signs...... i feel like at that point it's fair enough to say I Am Fucking Dying. i am dying. i've been dying for months. like very slowly and inconsequentially but MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE ARE DYING AT ANY GIVEN TIME.

so two weeks ago, after even more fucking phone tag, rheumatology was like. we have all of your tests and documentation now. we'll call to schedule you in soon :) if we don't, call us in two weeks!

today is, of course, the two week mark.

i thought it was strange that they hadn't called because my current symptom progression is usually triaged as The Top Tier Of Autoimmune Medical Emergencies. and my doctor herself has gotten me in for same-day appointments whenever i develop new symptoms because i am apparently not being fucking dramatic about how fucked up i am.

but! rheumatology is overburdened by a combination of COVID-era backups and a MASSIVE influx of newly disabled people with long COVID. and they're dealing with the same understaffing and shortages as the rest of the healthcare system. so it wasn't THAT weird.

called the clinic as soon as they opened this morning. was put on hold for a few minutes, which is normal.

guy gets back on the line. informs me they actually Don't have the test results that they need to schedule me (even though they TOLD ME THEY DID two weeks ago). and that they can't help me.

at this point i got off the phone and had a hysterical crying breakdown so profound that multiple partners swooped in to make a Shitload of Very Testy phone calls to various places on my behalf. bc they love me and are wonderful i am very loved. i have been taking the whole "actively dying" thing in stride for months for the most part but apparently this morning i hit my Fucking Limit. because OH MY FUCKING GOD.

so after an hour of hysterical crying, the receptionist at my main doctor's office calls back. she has always been very kind and takes calls from me / my partners extremely seriously, because of..... you know. The Everything.

she's just as kind and sweet and apologetic as ever but also there is kinda an undercurrent of apoplectic fury. she's spent some time trying to figure out What The Fuck Is Going On. turns out that

there was one more test rheumatology needed, even tho they said they had all my documentation. ok. fine.

my doctor did in fact order this test immediately after my last appointment.

i did in fact have the bloodwork done for this test immediately after my last appointment. like within an hour.

there was NO REASON for rheumatology not to have these test results.

except.

that the phlebotomist who took my blood.

ran every fucking ordered test.

except.

the one.

i needed.

to get scheduled.

with rheumatology.

so i've been waiting two weeks for fucking Nothing. because i thought i had my referral sorted. and the rheumatology clinic did not fucking inform my doctor that actually! they were wrong! about having the documentation to schedule me in!

the receptionist called up the lab to make sure that they Can run the necessary test. confirmed that they can. then she called up the rheumatology clinic and sent over all of my current documentation all over again and told them to be on the lookout for the final test. THEN she called the lab AGAIN to say, "hey, i'm sending you this order electronically, but i'm making an extra note that you guys need to do it right this time, AND you need to treat this as highest priority n analyze the results immediately. and i'm giving you the specific test number right now to make sure you fucking write it down correctly."

and then she gave ME the test number. and said "write this down. and when you get there, ask them what the number is for your test. and make sure that it matches."

which all took up most of her morning and truly was going above and beyond, all she really Needed to do was resend the lab order n tell me to go get more blood drawn. ESPECIALLY since it's an indie office & she handles ALL of the patient scheduling and bureaucracy.

but she is mad. and also i have dying patient privilege.

i felt much better after this because tbh half of why i was so upset was because i already know i have multiple forms of irreversible damage to various body parts and i really fucking physically feel like i get closer to dying every day and i really cannot fucking deal with being triaged as a non-priority possibly-faker hysteria patient.

but this does not seem to be the case.

so. unless something ELSE manages to go wrong with all of this bureaucratic bullshit, what's going to happen is: i am going to drive to a lab 45 minutes away to get my bloodwork done today bc that's the closest place with same-day appointments. i am going to call my doctor's office and tell them that the blood test was done, bc the receptionist said to call her from the parking lot once i'm finished. my doctor is going to receive the test results and send them to rheumatology either today or tomorrow. and within two weeks (Supposedly For Fucking Real This Time), rheumatology will ACTUALLY FUCKING CALL TO SCHEDULE ME IN.

in the most ideal and luckiest world, i will in fact be triaged as an emergency case. which means things will move fast in terms of both getting a call from the scheduling team and getting scheduled in. however it's also possible that they will have patients who are in, like, multi-organ-failure shutdown crisis, who obviously need to be prioritized above me. i do have endless paper documentation and visible physical symptoms stating that i am very very very sick, so. fingers crossed but i don't want to jinx it.

this post is very long. medical bureaucracy is a nightmare. i am very very very lucky and blessed to have so many life partners who are willing to advocate for me because as you can imagine, none of this is easy to navigate when you are unbelievably fucking sick and have a brain that is progressively losing the ability to retain language or executive function or memory.

in conclusion.

being sick is so stupid.

i finally got out of coffee i think. at least for the most part. got a job doing something else cos a friend gave us a lead. i feel so fortunate, my partner went on so many fucking interviews and kept getting snubbed by psycho small biz owners but finally found a good spot, and because of that we've met some really chill amazing folks who have been so welcoming and helped get me a lead at a spot BLOCKS away, so now we can DEF move to a spot that will work for both of us, AND its by a school so i can take classes (lol). im already starting to know a lot of people in the neighborhood and the spot ill be working at sort of caters to a lot of local businesses *anyways* so im really excited to start meeting people again. despite my interpersonal trauma and dodginess, i really thrive with community and it's very hard for me to find what that IS in a healthy way and i REALLY miss having that when i lived in seat*le ... covid fucked my life so goddamn bad like honestly? objectively worse than most people's tbh (like not to be weird but like, it... it did) and i finally feel like maybe now i can have some positives to focus on while dealing with my dad possibly dying and it feels weird to have this really huge positive and really huge negative happening at once but trying to rock with both and just accept things.

anyways ive been living with in laws for like idk 7 or 8 months and im ready to move out and also REALLY glad i didnt work for the people i almost worked for who were batshit bc i REALLY deserve working for a good boss and this owner is really cool and honestly he also raised my wage even tho i didnt ask for it? which is nice? esp for a small business?! i feel SO fucking lucky and he knows about my dad and isnt bothered by the fact that i might have to go sometimes and i just... really feel like thank fucking GOD this is what ive been waiting for.

we've just been taking it really really REALLY slow making sure we start things off RIGHT because GODDAMN shit was BAD in california and im just not willing to sell my time and my sanity to another sociopath like yall i cant even begin to tell you how bad its been with my work shit and its like, i am literally the most honest hardworking efficient down to earth person. people LOVE having me as their coworker, but i am NOT willing to work for assholes anymore. i can NOT do it. i am NOT willing to lead myself into suicide world AGAIN. like, no. i refuse it.

anons get to know their favorite blogs better (ask five questions and put them in the ask box of your favorite blogs) ❤️

.what inspired your blog?

.what is your most liked post?

.what is your favorite post?

.what's the last picture in your gallery? (not necessary)

.what is your favorite color?

.what inspired your blog?

in the most insane? painful? epic? twist of fate ever, covid first got me back into aot, and the worst months-long period of my life had me make this blog. idk i cant rly overstate how bad i was off at that time. but anyway i'd dropped aot years earlier bc wit stopped animating after s3p2. 🧍🏻then s4 was announced and i was on top of it lol.

but i still wasnt writing atp. i was writing shit in my notes app just for myself. i diddddd write a lot of fanfic when i was younger, but stopped when i fell out of the fandom i was interested in and went through irl shit come high school.

then The Thing I Went Through happened and (cannot continue explanation without a trigger warning) i started using fanfic to escape and figured out tumblr was a very popular site for it, and soooo i started a blog to hopefully feel less alone and post my fanfic lol. i never intended to find so many friends and community but i did, and tbh aot and this saved my life, no exaggeration.

.what is your most liked post?

this one. that i wrote on a whim in ten minutes.🥲🥲🥲 i have NO idea how that took ofgfg and it's kinky too ????????????????? yeah it's wild lol.

.what is your favorite post?

i assume this means that i've made? sincerely there's so much fanfiction on my blog that i don't know. ive forgotten some things ive written🧍🏻guarantee that it's levi reverse hurt/comfort though. this one? what comes to mind is this one though, even tho its not ship content. the HIGHEST CONTENDER THIS ONE...even though it's not xreader content lmao

theres some fics that are ao3 exclusive and it's any one of my eruri fics ngl

.what's the last picture in your gallery? (not necessary)

a shit ton of eruri fanart💀take my baby pj instead

.what is your favorite color?

Blue. any blue ever. bluish blue if you will. royal blue has to be my fav shade tho.

alright i’ll bite. what are your (wrong and incorrect <3) batfam hair headcanons

uhhh okso. goddamn this is gonna be long, here is a cut for your health and safety <3

bruces hair has been 100% the same 100% of his life. maybe he had it like a little longer for like a year when he was 20 but that was IT. back to default right afterwards. hes like the settings ur videogame character is on when u open up customization

dick is fortunately a bit more interesting. he had the cute floppy little boy haircut until he was in like his mid teens and then he was like imma grow it out and he did. by the time discowing era rolled around it was LONG long, and he did in fact have a short but traumatic (mainly to bruce, poor man) period with a mullet. post-discowing he figured out what to do with it and settled into a style around shoulder length with lotsa layers so it does that 80s shag surfer rockstar thing. he was later a firm supporter of the covid era shag/wolf cut revival. looks fucking stunning, no doubt he is the supermodel of the fam. chefs kiss

jasons hair is curly (!! i am very particular about this! he has curls) and was pretty short before he met bruce, for easy keeping, and that obviously all the same length sorta look where u can tell it was buzzed at some point. when he’s robin obviously hes got the heart bangs and is just adorable all around. the one thing ur right about is that it gets long when he’s in zombie mode and they shave it in the league. i think in his red hood era he learns to cut his own hair and experiments with lotsa fun stuff like punk hairstyles and shaved sides and at one point a little mini mullet which he somehow pulls off. once or twice he probably bleaches the not-white-streak parts of his hair to try to make it blend in, and goes thru all the weird growing out stages after that. its an all around fun time, and he pulls off way more weird hairstyles than he has any right to tbh

tims hair is very very straight and for most of his childhood and early teen years its in a pretty basic short sides long top sorta cut, low maintenance and fine-looking. he dyes it blue once when hes like 14 and that’s the only time he ever does anything intentional and interesting with his hair, because to him it’s pretty much just a chore. when all the red hood shit starts going down theres a period where he goes full what-is-self-care mode for, like, many months and thus his hair grows out enough for like a tiny scruffy ponytail. its like very badly taken care of tho bc my boy doesnt have TIME to shower, bruce, youre not my REAL dad. once jason and damian both mostly stop trying to murder him on sight, he starts taking care of his hair, but i firmly believe that (for a while at least) he decides not to cut it. YES long haired tim. fight me. i think it’s almost always up, in various buns and braids, and dami and the girls (steph and cass, i mean) really love it which tim finds utterly baffling. but my boy needs to be loved more. cass calls his hair beautiful and he turns into a puddle of goo and doesnt stand up for like 2 days

dami keeps his hair short (not buzzed, but short) while in the league, and when he moves to gotham there’s a period of a couple months where he decides to try to be mini bruce. but bruces hair is kinda hard to recreate and looks a bit silly on him, and also every single one of his family members wont stop MUSSING IT so eventually he gives up and learns to tolerate his normal (if spiky) tweenage hair.

steph is our token blonde but we love her. i think she was one of those girls who decided at like 9 that she wanted to grow her hair out REALLY long, and was like moderately successful at it to the chagrin of most adults in her life (because long hair is SO HIGH MAINTENANCE). not long before her tenure as robin she gets sick of it and chops it to like,,,, idk, armpit length? yeeah. and later in her teens she has a whole cycle (or two) of bangs, she flipflops like weekly on whether she likes the way bangs look on her or not. she usually does them herself, and (everyone but her knows) she rocks them every time

cass i think had longer hair when she was doing the assassin gig, mainly ao it could be tied back, but as soon as she had more agency she went “nope” and chopped it to her normal short bob and has kept it that way ever since.

the one other thing u were right about i think is that duke has had the same hair his entire life, that just sounds correct lmao

anyways thats it, totally open to debating with you but just know that i am correct <3

OMG ARE YOU KIDDING?!?? MATH AND SCIENCE? sweetie you are so hardworking and smart- I COULD NEVER😭 i loved science but i will not take them as only your grade is required, not a final! don’t have science I mean I’m gonna be honest idk how it works in your country? but here we have to take compulsory finals from literature and grammar, history (that’s my second A level), and math (these are from all 12 years of studies+the language one aswell). There’s also one final of a chosen language (I did my English A level back in october) and one freely chosen (My subject needs a long ass essay as a final work). So yeah I took math aswell on an A level course like history, tho i will only take an A level that doesn’t count that much bc it’s a plus thingy

Huh this is so long, sorry😅so this is how it works for me, 5 finals in order to apply for uni:)

- wjj, love and hugs<3

Ahaha I’m NOT smart 💀 it was pure luck & efforts tbh and do you know WHAT uni I applied to? Med uni hahaha </3

Let me tell you why I call it traumatising 🥲 all my classes started in 2021 and ofc due to the covid, they were ALL ONLINE. All institutions including school and tution centres were off in our entire country, and I’m really not someone who gets anything in online classes. I can’t understand stuff, and my attendance was next to 0. (0.5% to be exact) generally, we all assumed exams would be cancelled that year due to our country’s condition but all of a sudden, it was announced exams WOULD BE PHYSICAL?! I had no idea what the syllabus WAS too😭 and I had FOUR SUBJECTS ALL MATH & SCIENCE and in 4 months with no knowledge and no prior studying, I made it work with HELL LOT OF EFFORTS.✋🏻

and that too all the time knowing I have no time and my life depends on this exam LITERALLY, bc I’d get into uni getting these grades and let me tell you..my uni lowest acceptance grade is a B IN A LEVELS, AND I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT A B GRADE IN A LEVEL SCIENCE MEANS😭💔 I won’t elaborate, I was in PURE HELL those 4 months, praying to god every second to MAGICALLY MAKE IT WORK.

But well, like I said, I did it and you can do it bc hard work never goes to waste my love 💖 in the end I passed with B grades in my required subjects (yea minimum results bc I don’t have very smart learning skills and have 0 talent when it comes to academics) and got the most refreshing 8 month vacation! 🥺💕 now, I’m gonna be an international student and will move out in 6 days so yaay! I’m sure you will ace all hurdles that come your way too my sweetie!! <3

And yeah it smh works in our country like that too,,maybe? Bc we don’t have any compulsory subjects or subject limit tbh..2 is min and max is 4/5. And we too; can take parts in giving exam and choose to give some subjects first then the other. Whatever it is, even if people give me a million dollars I’m never redoing A levels ever again. 🏳️

It doesn’t matter if it’s long, I talk A LOT anyway, it was so nice talking to you and I can’t wait to interact more! Take care, mwuah😘🫶🏻

actually fuck it i need to list my old coworkers because it’s insane there were so insane ones

coworker who called out almost every monday from hangovers or went home early while still drunk from the night before bc she was going clubbing during the height of the pandemic for her entire weekends. She actually started her first week during the height of infections by taking off her mask so she could use her phone while telling me about the huge halloween parties she’d done the night before even tho a few of her friends had been exposed to covid. Talked a lot about massaging her lymph node so she could be healthy and begged people not to get vaccinated when our work offered us the vax early for frontline work. Repeatedly told people she had gotten heart conditions from the J&J shot but only after she had just chugged large coffees. wouldn’t wear gloves while touching carcinogens and later we found out she had done all her tests wrong for a solid year too

coworker who had failed out of gen chem 2 times and was failing it a third time when she got hired despite the 4 YEAR SCIENCE DEGREE REQUIREMENT. She poured acid down the sinks and had no idea how a ton of lab stuff worked but everyone said she was nice enough that I shouldn’t be so hard on someone who was still learning. I prev got scrutinized for my degree not being a real science before there. She also liked to come up w rumors about coworkers like that they failed their drug test or were alcoholics and would ask people to take Mormon trivia quizzes w her so they could join her faith. The first time we talked I asked her a generic question about whether she lived w family or pets and she immediately told me graphically about how she killed two turtles by starvation and stopped going to work and school a few months ago bc she didn’t feel like it and not to be shocked, I shouldn’t discriminate about her mental health. She called out a lot, took hours for lunch, and regularly came in an hour late and left hours early while whining that I didn’t stop her from going home so now she would be broke. 

Coworker who immediately told me I was doing stuff wrong the first day she started despite me being there 2 yrs and her being there 1 hour. Routinely tried to quiz people on element names, science, and math to prove she was the smartest person in the room. Called me homophobic for going to pride bc despite the rainbow and trans flags on my locker she couldn’t tell I was gay, then made a joke about me being a top. Took three two-week vacations and then a two week sick leave so she barely existed, then did zero work when she was there but every time I did the actual work of emailing people or writing new lab stuff, she would get mad and rewrite it and personally message our manager asking if I was actually right bc she didn’t think i was right. Got to the point where I was getting migraines every monday and panic attacks on sundays bc she was so goddamn mean to me every week while thinking we were friends bc friends can roast each other. She would talk over me at every meeting and my stutter got so bad I would lose the ability to talk or start forgetting basic words (which she loved bc then she sounded smarter than me). 

the manager who made me publically out myself on department wide meeting awkwardly bc I asked for people to stop making homophobic and transphobic jokes about me. He gave almost every person weeks off or let them get away w leaving early and doing no work bc he said I would handle it and ig is doing the same thing to my replacement rn too

Honorable mentions:

the guy who talked about how he always open carries and implied he was at the moment

the manager that would laugh at me when I did intros w new ppl bc he thought my hobbies were weird and ig was not afraid to let me know it each time

the supervisor obsessed w elon musk who tried to work 80 weeks bc he genuinely believed billionares work 100+ hr weeks and was so tired he made zero sense and didn’t remember how to do anything

the coworker i replaced who would tell two areas she was busy with the other area but then go to a meeting room and nap for the day. she now does mlms full time. 

I'm sick of being tired all the time and getting no rest AT ALL.

I'm naturally nocturnal, but since I got COVID and started on this "is this CFS/MS or is it just me getting old?? I'm too poor to find out out tho" journey I've found that by 11:30 pm I'm too tired to do anything, or even think and I'm in pain constantly too due to my scoliosis so that doesn't help... I toss and turn a lot so getting rest is kind of a problem, and I wake up groggy, with more brain fog than before, headaches galore, my meniere's acts up, it's awful... It exacerbates every symptom, both mental and physical and new and old, I have and I can't function for the day.

But I've found that if I go to sleep at the same hour and wake up at the same hour every day it helps a lot in bringing down does symptoms. So I need to set a schedule for myself to at least try and get some rest. But my brain keeps fighting it, as I said I'm naturally nocturnal.

My brain keeps saying "Go back to bed, it's too damn early!!!" and no amount of me juggling with alarms helps, my brain's just too stubborn and I don't know what to do anymore.

I wake up zombie-like and in so much pain I can't even stretch.

I think it's the weather, it's been flipflopping between cold and warm all month, which I know it's happening, but doesn't make it any easier to handle.

I guess my hops for finding a temperate place to live are gone due to climate change, but at least I'd love to know WHY did my body start to break down like this... Surely nothing I did as a teen except my ED would drive me to this. I did stay up late and things, but I always made sure I got plenty of rest the next day, I was an athlete most of my elementaryand middle school and in highschool and uni I swam out of pleasure because I ADORE swimming, so I kept active and as healthy as someone with OSFED and being a picky eater can be... now?

And I think it was the COVID, I think it was the three times I got it, none of which were my fault, which is even more frustrating. The first time I had it I was out helping mum with groceries, people weren't respecting the masking policy and the elderly schedules, they were out and about as if nothing was happening, taking off their masks to cough and sneeze (a woman at the clinic did that and when we all called her out she tried to cough in our direction, jokes on her we were ALL sick already, the bitch...). We were ironically out to get masks... The second was because our then bff was bunking with us and she refused to stop going out and quarantine and wear masks. She put me, with a weak immune system already, my fiancée, and my elderly parents in danger, and I got sick. We called her out and she dismissed it. I dunno why we thought it was a good idea to all three live together out of my parents' house after that... I think it was desperation. Third time was because my fiancée got sick. She had the CanSino and then the Pfizer and started to show symptoms, people were being very irresponsible at her workplace so we think she already had the virus and vaccine just accelerated it. Can that happen? Anyway, we both got it because I was taking care of her, but we were already vaccinated by then so it wasn't as bad.

I'm so sick of feeling sick all the time, it's like we're back at our early childhood... It stupid and painful and we miss out on a shit ton of stuff going around us... And we can't sleep well...

I don't want to continue breaking down, I'm sick of all of this...

hey uh dont read this 👍 TW vent

okay so basically everything has gone to shit. lets get a lil back story here

so ill be 17 soon (terrifying) and it will be almost 4 years sober of everything and i could not be more miserable. when i was 12 i abused perscription medication during the 2020 lockdown and in the process got into other things (cigs and alchol).

i dont really think that anyone understands how deep it goes. i mean think about it, a 12 yearold already suffering from halucinations, delusions and other things. on two kinds of anti psychotics, drinking, smoking and taking way to many pills. its pretty messed up.

my parents had never been the best but a brain tumour caused my mother to become abusive. i dont remember much of 2020-2021 bc i was either high, drunk, in a psychotic episode or sometimes all three. but i remember some things and the things i do remember are bad. it got so bad that i barely knew what was going on half the time.

safe to say my appearence was less than ideal. i wore a covid face mask constantly. even when you stopped having to at school. and i still wear it. simply bc i know people will make fun of me for it more than they already do if i take it off. as much as i want to stop wearing it, i know i cant.

my hair was dyed black and greasy, my achne was bad and my teeth were messed up. i was over weight, then under weight, then over weight again. i was hidious. evey photo taken of me, i looked through the camera. i had nothing left behind my eyes. i was so close to giving up entirely.

my mother had her brain tumour removed and my life was starting to take shape again. thats when she came in. she was beautiful in every way. i hated her but i loved her all the same. she caused me so much pain but it felt great.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. to date her. but i soon deacovered that she was not like she seemed. in many ways ill not describe. she ripped me appart, absolutly gutted me from the inside. i developed FND (look it up i cant be bothered explaining). my life was starting to go down hill again. i felt sick constantly. my halucinations were terrible and my mental state was even worse. i had sezures and headaches every day.

then we broke up. it was drawn out and long but to leave it all behind was freeing. i felt free for the first time in months. then she back stabbed me. i wont say what happend but this is the reason i can not trust people. my paranoia is through the roof. i constantly think about how everyone is conspiring against me and that they arent really my friends.

anyway. enough about her.

i am lonely and i fear that i will always feel this way. i have friends and a boyfriend yes but they also have friends. my halucinations icolate me. i behave agressively and erratically. nothing as bad as 2021 and 2020 but still bad.

i dont know what to do so i throw myself into school. its all i really do anymore. that and pretend i have friends. i sit at the kitchen bench and speak to no one. i have many friends there. i can act how i want and they like it. i have no one to talk to about this.

i try to talk to God but i feel bad burdening him with it like i am with everyone else. i dont feel good enough for God or any one for that matter.

im nothing like the pretty Christian girls on tiktok who look so pure and sweet. the look so kind. true women of God. i am not. i try to be but it never works out. i look scruffy, my hair is always messed up, i wear weird clothes, im rude, i cuss way too much and im just not a very nice person to be around.

i want to be tho. more than anything i want to be kind. i want to be good enough. and it doesnt even seem like im trying.

i really want cigs and alchaol. to medicate like i did all those years ago but i cant. sinning every day with small things is bad enough but those are worse.

i do my best in school and thats enough. it makes me feel like enough. im good at school. im good at it. im not good at many things but im good in school. i got dux in two subjects last year and finished top 10% of my grade. thats enough right?

every day i feel my sanity slowly slipping away. being replaced by paranoia and horrible halcinatoins. i tell myself that ill never get as bad as i was back then but deep down, i want it. bc this time, people would see it. they would know how bad it is and how my jokes are just a cry for help.

i have been put on more medication as of recently and im scaired. i dont know what it will do to me. will it kill me? will it make me put on weight? who knows. ive already had bulimia i dont need it again.

on top of this, im loosing my best friend. i can see how much they suffer. i can see how bad it is for them. they have made heaps of new friends recently and i am so happy for them but we so rarely talk now. when we do, its great. we used to see eachother every weekend, now we dont. i ask first to hang out and i feel bad, like im forcing them. i dont want to force them.

there was more i could have done for them that night. if it wasnt for those drugs. those fucking drugs. the dugs that i took to take me away from everything. to make me happy. but i wasnt happy. i was insane. i was deranged. surely anyone who looked at me could see it. that night i ripped out 4 teeth. one of them was an adult tooth. a mf adult tooth. i tore out a tooth. i was 13 by then.

i have to make my parents happy and when i dont i feel bad. i want to make my dad happy and go to his house but i hate that house. i want to make my mum happy but it always ends in an argument. i want to make my friends happy but i cant and if they can find friends to make them happy. then thats okay.

i just dont know anymore. everything is so blury. the paranoia is imence. i hate it. anyway. hope no one actually reads this.

there is SO much more but this is all for now

Sabine: 2021 Energica EsseEsse9+

My 2nd Energica and 4th overall electric motorcycle. Sabine and I would embark on journeys that would inspire and motivate others.

Service Stats

In Service Date: 6/5/2020 In Service Mileage: 5 Current Mileage (Jan 2023): 33,097 Service Life: ongoing Avg. Miles/yr: 3,000-19,000

The History & Story

After the Moncure ChargePoint station popped the HV DC charging fuse on my 2017 Eva, I was going to have to wait about 6 weeks for Energica to repair and ship the bike back to me or they’d give me a very compelling trade value if I opted for a one of the new 2020 (tho US titled 2021) bikes. So I opted for an EsseEsse9 after riding one with my friend Tyler (who was considering buying one to replace his Zero SR). I ordered the bike in December I believe, and just before lockdown across the US happened I was told my bike had been pulled off the boat in the Bay Area of California and was being prepped for delivery.

Then, the world stopped.

I was told that they were not able to ship the bike out during the COVID lockdown, and this drove me insane. The dealer let me take my trade vehicle back to ride it (with AC only charging) until mine was shipped out. Riding 60mi/day was one of the ways in which I kept sane during the onset of COVID isolation. But in May I was told to bring the bike back, they needed to crate it to ship it to California and that my bike was on its way.

Now I have no official word on how they got the bike outside the lockdown zone and onto a truck, but I like to imagine the Energica staff sneaking small numbers of bikes out at night, silently and slowly riding through the lockdown zone, and meeting a shipping truck in the free zone just outside the Bay Area. But for all I know the truck rolled up to their headquarters in the middle of the day. What I do know is, COVID delayed getting my bike by nearly two months. 

June 5, 2020: the wait is over. Sev at Team PowerSports called me on Thursday and said “Keep your Saturday open, you’re bike’s being delivered.” As soon as he texted me that the truck had arrived, I jumped in my Smart car and headed over the the dealership. I watched as they unloaded my bike -- first one loaded and last one to be unloaded -- from the truck. It had all of 5 miles on the odometer, and by the end of the day I’d put over 300 miles on it.

My maiden voyage was to take I-540 from Glenwood Ave in Raleigh to US-64 in Apex, then down US-64 to Asheboro to charge. From Asheboro I’d continue down 64 to Charlotte to charge at Electrify America. I’d leave Charlotte and ride down I-85/I-40 to get back to Raleigh, stopping in Greensboro for my last charge of the day. I was forewarned that the charging time was going to be a little longer on this bike than my last one, and it did set the expectation that I should expect 45m down at every charge stop if it’s hot out.

wow it's the 2022 new year's post' [[MORE]] 2022 really sucked. It was the worst year for me in a while. I was seriously ill 3 separate times and I was even hospitalized for covid for a day. Also I was in a car accident :( all of that compounded and made me really backslide on my mental health which made doing things a lot more difficult. my goals from the 2021 post: -learn how to relax more and just do things for the sake of doing them instead of a goal uhhhh not really! I still can't really relax and have to be goal oriented in stuff that I do -edit and finish finish my novel no! I really fell off on this. I started a first edit read through last winter and just got tired and didn't finish it RIP -(if possible) start going to cons/doing cosplay more consistently I am actually doing this one! I finished like 4 cosplays this year and I am going to Magfest next weekend and probably Colossalcon East in the fall. -(if possible) take more time off to travel no! Travel still makes me really uncomfortable (covid and anxiety-wise). This past year, I think I've been to, like, DC, Philly, and Western Maryland but that's it . . . .I had plans to go to MA but those got covid'd. But I did use all my PTO this year at least -make some long term goals no!! I still have no idea what I'm doing even tho this year sucked, I still have some stuff to be grateful for: -I am still in a relationship with my beautiful gf!! -I made a lot of new friends! Especially people from my orchestra! -I started arranging music and finished my first symphonic arrangement -I started DMing and kept a campaign going for 6 months and I am better at DMing I think -I am still working out! I kind of have ab lines even when I'm not flexing! -I have done 2 live concerts (including 1 with a solo) and I didn't die! -My job doesn't make me want to fucking kill myself lmao -my pie and cake placed at the state fair -I learned how to crochet! goals for 2023 that hopefully I can actually manifest lol: -have a symphonic arrangement I've made be performed live -actually do it, actually travel this time -go back to working on my anxiety and agoraphobia -finish this Dnd campaign lol -be more proactive in reaching out to people -focus on craftsmanship in the things that I make happy new bear everyone ᕦʕ •`ᴥ•´ʔᕤ

No, that sounds so interesting! How many languages do you speak then? I graduated a while back, but I also got a degree in language and social sciences, it’s so much harder than people think. Like yeah there’s the speaking part of it, but it was around my third weekend in the departmental library getting ready for an oral project in a language not spoken since 900 that I really wondered what I was doing there. How did you get into informational sciences? What’s your favorite class you’re taking (or have taken if this term’s dull)?

I don’t know if you know A.C.E at all, but Jun covered “12:45” about a year ago and I annoyed everyone with my insistence that this is IT this song has PEAKED no one else even BOTHER trying to cover it, but then Wooyoung dropped his and I was like OKAY they can SHARE IT. (The fact that they’re both short kings makes it even better) He’s really got the vocals and is so underappreciated for it.

“Inception” was so good! I know they were teasing “Guerilla” era at the end of the “Answer” video, but in the end I’m glad that was delayed (San’s vocal growth especially over those two years), and that we got something as good as “Inception” as their first derailed-by-covid-comeback. Hongjoong with his blue hair and little half skirts was truly exceptional. And “Say My Name” was also truly Such An Era omg Wooyoung in his little cropped fur jacket go baby go.

It sounds like you like their more melodic songs, what did you think of the tonal shift into “Guerilla”?

I started watching Lucifer, but fell off when I didn’t have time, if it’s good I’ll check it out again! Recently I’ve just been rereading books I loved when I was about fourteen and getting entirely different experiences out of them now. Mostly Discworld, but also quite a bit of Salinger and Rilke, and right now I’m rereading Water for Elephants on the bus every morning.

Sorry to write a whole essay, but I hope you have a wonderfully restful weekend~

--🎅

i mean it is interesting, but i'm just tired of the constant assignments and studying lmaoo. well i do speak two fluently (croatian, my native language, and english), but i do know swedish and german well. i also do know some korean but i definitely need to work on it more haha.

ohhhh wait did you study latin? tbh i loved latin, i had it for two years in high school. but social sciences sounds really interesting, and i definitely agree, it really isn't as easy as people think, especially when you're majoring in certain language you also need to learn everything about the language and the country and culture, not just the language. and well information sciences... actually i thought i'd have some programming subjects but i was wrong about that lmaoo but i can go to become a librarian from it (which i really hope i'll get in) since that is one of the careers i did always want. honestly all subjects this term are boring af.... but i think the ones i liked the most were swedish in the first two semsters and web design basics (which was kinda easy for me since i learned the basics of coding on my own lmao). what about you tho? how many languages can you speak?

ohh yes i do know a.c.e but i didn't know he covered it omg, i'll have to check it out! and sooo true.

yes yes i couldn't agree more! and yes hongjoong in say my name era was def sth else. honestly that era is so iconic! and to think it was only a few months after their debut...KINGS!! and ikrr wooyoungs jacket and the hair and that specific line he has in the chorus oooof forever obsessed with it

yeahh i do like more melodic songs but i did love guerilla! honestly i'm a fan of everything they release. whatever they put out i will devour hahah. but i do like their songs that are more like answer and treasure and inception. wbu tho? what songs of theirs do you like?

ohhh i definitely recommend continuing lucifer. s5 fell off of a bit but it was still good nonetheless. ohhhh i hope you enjoyed rereading them! honestly i was thinking of rereading some of my favorites too (it's not like i don't have a huge tbr list lmaoo) that's not just heartstopper which i reread idek how many times already in the past 3 years lmao

and dw, i love when people talk to me <3 even tho idek who you are yet hahah but i do apologize for even a longer essay in response hahah and i hope you have a good and restful weekend too <333

I’m still not sure if I ever got COVID

Before lockdown in March 2020, I contracted what I assumed was a cold in January 2020 and it basically lasted like a month. Severe coughing, I had one fever day that went away after a day. It was weird.

And I’m wondering if maybe I got that then? I did get sick a few times in 2021 but I thought that was caused by the intense stress I was under. Could it have been long COVID?

But this year I’ve been mostly fine other than mental health days I needed to take off from work and one day I had a head cold and felt terrible.

I mean. I did get vaccinated SINCE the times I was sick in 2021. I need to get my 4th soon.

I still wonder tho if I ever did get it.

I knew unemployment was underfunded but FUCKKKK....

applied for unemployment last Oct 31, 2021.

My job fought it, so it took NINE MONTHS for them to form a verdict.

And it was great cuz she asked only 3 questions when they finally called for my take:

1-am I still looking for work? (of course.)

2-was I ever written up for ANYTHING personality/attitude wise? (I had NEVER, but they were using that as the excuse to fire me.)

3-Is my bank info still correct? (after 9 months, better safe to check.)

And boom, 3 days later I got my unemployment payment.

But...their website said you can get up to 4 extensions AND after my first 20 weeks, they were still forcing me to file that I was looking for jobs.

However, I never got a PENNY beyond my first 20 weeks. WTF.

Tried calling them 3 times. 1 time instant disconnect (too many on hold) and 2 other times I was placed on hold...and never got called back. lol

Whatever. Finally got thru today and talked to the NICEST most patient lady. No way she gets paid enough. She answered all my questions. And I did not like any of the answers.

1-the website on extensions is wrong, not updated, and (IMO) irrelevant. It was there when they were first created. That's about it.

2-I can file for another 20 weeks On Oct 31, 2022. Because...

3-there are ABSOLUTELY NO extensions. Which is fucking nuts for a tons of reasons. a-worst recession of all time. b-people are broke as fuck and the dollar is worth less than ever. c-they also cut any covid benefits (which were separate from the extensions I was mentioning). d-I have applied for unemployment.....4-6 times thru my life. Not too many from what I remember (and this is between 2 states). And there has always ALWAYS been at least ONE extension. But NONE now when the rich are richer than all of history? FUCK OFF!

You ever feel bad because even tho life isn't perfect, you had a lot of lucky things happen to you in a row so you're not as fucked as you could be? I just....things sucks, but I'm secure for now, healthy, happy, etc...but I feel guilty cuz I know what I have most don't on average. And that is fucking pathetic for how much work we do almost none of us have anything to show for it. And I know right now being unemployed screaming at the internet isn't going to save the world or is 'work'...but neither is doing a meaningless job that uses people every step of the way, from resources to transportation to workers to customers. Just so a few assholes can rule the world thru a fake currency....and guns. Lots of guns and scarcity...what kind of fucking existence is that? And y'all have been doing it for HUNDREDS of years. Slavery with a different definition...there were utopias in the past...killed by the men who rule us today...

This is easier than talking to you

I want you to know that I don’t have anything going on in my life, shit is fine you pissed me

Off tho. & I take how you treat me very personal.

When we rekindled this friendship I didn’t think it would just be worse than it was before. I regret it.

I’ve explained to you endlessly how I feel about how you treat me, ignore me, even just not answering the phone for two or three months. It’s pathetic. You are not a good friend to me, not a nice person. You have one person in mind at the end of everyday and that’s YOU. Cool, I’m not like u and I don’t want to

Be.

I feel fucking stupid, and beyond hurt. Betrayed and fucked over. I am a fool every fucking time.

I can’t be friends w someone who has not even time in one week, month or day to reply to a simple text. Unless u need something, you won’t call or pick up.

You are not a friend to me.

I have tried to be a friend to you when you need me though I have been.

Maybe not the best all the time I know I’m not perfect but I’ve at least been there for you, you can’t do the same. I don’t want it. I don’t want it anymore the pain hurts too much

My life has actually been going pretty good lately, I just don’t trust people and I think that’s because of my family and friends, it’s not me either

It’s you dude! Accept it. And leave me alone

You think you can just call me one night crying and yeah sure I was there for you cool come over.

Do you know what that doesn’t me & my fucking head?

When you call me crying in the middle of the fucking night?

Do you remember that night that you called me crying and I came over and recovered in your own fucking blood?

That’s why I’m there for u asshole. I don’t wanna see u hurt. & I love you -

But Fuck you you are so selfish

I also don’t Give a fuck if you’re ‘sIcK’ like u haven’t had Covid like 8 times get vaxxed already lol you will be fine you know you will recover.

I don’t give a fuck that Ur partner got an Ovi

I honestly I expected they fucking would they are an absolute a shit show mess…....🤨 looks like U really did meet your match w her CUNT

And I didn’t stop you from driving their car before, so I don’t know you’re just using excuses again and I don’t care about shit anymore so just fuck off I don’t want you in my life. Even when You feel better and I assume sleep off your drug crash n hangovers ….when that is gone n ur partner can drive don’t come around here. This is you final warning- stay the fuck away from me and my life for the last time.

I won’t be nice if u call me one night - so just don’t bitch

And PLEASE remember that - god please do, & as far as friends are concerned I don’t have any. & at This point I don’t want any

FUCK YOU you know who you are

Hey its been so long! Things are good for me right now, being married is kinda the best thing. This last week though, my hubby and I both got covid and it was MISERABLE. At least for me. He got off with just a small cough but I had a full day where I was so sick and lost my taste and smell for a few days. I can't imagine how much worse it would've been if I wasn't vaccinated 😷

Did I ever mention that I sprained my knee a few months back? And it never fully healed so I had to get an MRI and it turns out I have a torn meniscus?? So I have to get surgery to fix that and I've never had surgery before. But seeing as I haven't been able to walk for 2 months, I'll take it!

I hope you're doing lovely and having a great summer! The MX revival weeks have been amazing and its definitely one of the bright spots of my day 😊

-🌙

HELLO LOVE !!!! it’s been soooo long </3 i’m glad things have been going well hun 🥰 and woo HOO for married life treating you well, i’m sure it’s lovely :) BUT OH NO i’m so sorry to hear you both got covid omg 😭😭 you both are doing okay now thought right? when my mom got covid, she also completely lost her taste for like a week, it’s very common! do any food taste bad to you now that you’ve had it? my uncle who also got it, all meat tastes really bad to him ;___; it’s really is so unfortunate but im so happy to hear both of you are feeling better 🥺

AND NOOOOO a a torn meniscus is no fun :((( honestly tho, it’s much better than a torn ACL or something like that ;____; i know surgery can seem scary esp if you’ve never had it before, but they’ll take good care of you in the operating room 💖 good luck and let me know how it goes!

as for me bub i’ve been okay !! the other day i FINALLY got my authorization to take my nclex exam, so i can take that soon and hopefully hear back from childrens! I’ve heard hearing back from my hospital can take up to 3 months sometimes so ive just been patiently waiting fnfnjf …. i hope to hear back from them sooner rather than later so i can move out and just finally start my life ya know? but all good over here too angel! it’s nice to hear from you !!!!