theres so much abt me / some of the others thats like. lol the second any of us says shit online were getting dogpiled

brenna needs emergency surgery and attempts to break up with tristan

@pcnumbras​

britt

brenna knew something was seriously wrong for a couple days now. she couldnt breathe without it hurting and she was throwing up what she shouldnt be. at first she dismissed it as stress but once tristan was home and things were better, the issue persisted and she knew it wasnt right. Sitting in bed, brenna placed a quick kiss on tristan’s cheek before then rushing to the bathroom and threw up. the blood was alarming but something she had become used to. she attempted to get up but it was as though suddenly she didnt have the strength. she rested her head against the wall, “tristan..”

tess

Things had been different since Tristan got home from the hospital. Maybe it was cause he'd had to take a week off before he was cleared to go back. He'd noticed something was off with Brenna though. He'd feared the worst, of course, that she'd relapsed, but he wasn't sure. He trusted that she would tell him herself soon enough. He smiled as she kissed his cheek, letting out a sigh, knowing it was time to get out of bed. Hearing Brenna's voice in the bathroom, his brows furrowed and he got out of bed. The sight in front of him of the blood in the toilet and brenna slouched over by the wall was the scariest thing he'd seen. He could feel his chest pouding as he rushed to her side. "Hey, I'm here baby. Don't worry." He said, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. He stood up and sprinted back to the bedroom to grab his phone and then came back to crouch down next to her as he called an ambulance.

britt

She nodded her head when he ran back into the bedroom. When he came back beside her, tears streamed down her cheeks. “My throat hurts so bad. I dont want to die like this. Please dont let me go in pain. It hurts so bad.” The crying was making it hard to breathe. She took his hand, “I’m sorry..”

tess

Tristan squeezed her hand tightly, shaking his head. He had tears streaming down his cheeks, and he was panicing waiting to hear the sound of the ambulance. "You're not gonna die okay. You need to fight through this, Austen needs you. I need you." He said. "Shhh, save your energy. The ambulance is coming okay."

britt

Seeing the tears, Brenna shook her head, reaching up to wipe them away. “The day of your accident I relapsed but I havent since. I was scared and my stomach was in knots and I...” She shrugged her shoulders. “I need you too.” She felt the urge to throw up again and quickly sat up, gripping on to the side of the toilet bowl as she did so. She leaned back against the wall, “You need to go to work.”

tess

Tristan bit his lip as she wiped away a tear, trying to pull himself together. "Its okay, I understand. I'm so sorry." He knew it wasn't his fault, but he couldn't help but feel guilty. Like his accident is what led to this. He held her heair back as she threw up again, taking in a deep breath because the action scared him to death. He shook his head, "No I don't. I'm staying with you." He said. He could hear the faint sound of the sirens, so he knew help was getting closer.

britt

“For what? It’s nor your fault, Tristan.” She was grateful for him and knew she wouldnt be able to get through this if she were with anyone else. “I dont want you getting in trouble.” She said, squeezing his hand as tight as she could, which wasnt very tight. “Ask for Sharna. Laurel trusts her a lot.”

tess

"But if I hadn't gotten hurt, maybe you wouldn't have relapsed and you'd be okay right now." He said, softly, closing his eyes for a second before looking at her. He shook his head, to let her know he wouldn't get in trouble. Family emergencies were an acceptable reason to not go to work. Her grip on his hand was weak, but he continued to hold on tight. "I will. Its gonna be okay, they'll take care of you, they took care of me." He said, his voice shaking just the slightest with fear. He knew that throwing up blood was a bad thing.

britt

“It’s not your fault. I shrugged it off but it was hurting to breathe a couple days before your accident happened and its just gotten worse. Like it felt like a pulled muscle in my back.” She smiled as he held on to her hand. “Make sure Austen knows how much I love her, ok?”

tess

“Why didn’t you say anything? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we get you to the hospital.” He said. He could hear the ambulance pull up in front of their house, and though he didn’t want to he let go of her hand so they could get inside the house and get her on the stretcher. “She knows and you can tell her yourself. I love you, I have to go let them in before they break down our door.” He said disappearing for a second to let them inside. “We will be right behind you, love.” He said as he returned behind them. He wanted to go with her, but he couldn’t leave Austen so he’d bring her in their suv behind the ambulance.

britt

“I thought I pulled a muscle in my back.” She said softly. “What if I dont get to tell her?” She asked. They loaded her onto the stretcher and she nodded her head as tears streamed down her cheeks. She wanted Tristan to go with her but she knew he couldnt. They loaded her into the ambulance, rushing her to the hospital

tess

Tristan watched as they took her out of the house on the stretcher, and then he rushed upstairs, picking a crying austen up out of her crib and grabbing her blanket and diaper bag and heading out to their car, and buckling her in, just as the ambulance pulled away. Tristan followed right behind it the whole way there, parking the car in the closest spot he could find, and grabbing austins carrier to bring her in too. "My fiance was just brought in on the ambulance. I'm here with our daughter, can I go see her?"

britt

Sharna was walking back to the exam room when Tristan stopped her. She nodded her head, “Yeah, sure. Whats her name? I’ll take you back there.”

tess

He recognized Dr. Stewart from being in the hospital before, and he felt a sigh of relief knowing she wouldn't give him a hard time about not being family "Her names Brenna King. She was throwing up blood. She's got a history of eating disorder." He said, spewing off information that he thought would be useful. He was so nervous, and he didn't know if Brenna was even still conscious enough to tell them these things.

britt

“That’s exactly where I was heading.” She said, motioning for him to follow. Sharna frowned, having an idea of what the problem could be. “Do you know of any other symptoms by chance?” She asked, her pace quickening.

tess

He nodded his head, picking up the carrier in one arm and following Sharna back towards where Brenna was. "She's been tired. And she said she thought she pulled a muscle? I don't really know. She's spent a lot of her life hiding these things, I try to be there for her but sometimes I think I don't notice things." He said, shaking his head. He took in a deep breath, tensing up to stop himself from crying. He wouldn't do it in public.

britt

Sharna looked at him, “Hey dont beat yourself up over it. An eating disorder is something that takes time, ok? I dont know much about her family but she seems very structured so I feel like maybe her parents put a lot of pressure on her and sometimes people that grew up that way tend to become reclusive when they’re going through something. It’s not your fault.” She said arriving at Brenna’s room. “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this before but I want to see what I find out from her and if I’m right, she should be dead by now.”

tess

He sighed, looking down at the ground. "Yeah, they were to her. I just feel like if I'd been paying more attention to her than I was to myself than maybe I would have noticed and could have gotten her to a doctor sooner. " He said shrugging. When Sharna said Brenna should be dead by now, Tristan froze, unable to breath for a moment. "Is she going to die?" He said his voice wavering and quiet.

britt

“Dont do that to yourself. I think she would have killed you if you had paid more attention to her” She assured him. “You have to take care of yourself too.” She smiled then let out a sigh. “It’s a possibility but I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that doesnt happen.” Sharna gave him a reassuring smile, “I’ve seen this before and it’s an esophageal rupture. It’s very common in those dealing with an eating disorder but I’ve also seen it in pregnant women and even those dealing with a stomach virus.”

tess

He let out a sigh shaking his head, “I know but it’s my job to take care of them too.” He bit the corner of his lip nodding his head. He was terrified, and he knew they would do everything they could but he could only pray it was enough. When she said esophogeal rupture he nodded his head taking in a deep breath and standing up straighter. “So are you taking her into surgery? Or what is the next step.”

britt

“Yes but you cant take care of your loved ones if you dont take care of yourself first.” Sharna nodded her head, “We are going to take her into surgery. Is there anyone you want us to call before we take her in? If you want some alone time with her, you can go in there.”

tess

"I should be able to take car of all three of us. What kind of man am I if I can't."  He said, letting out a sigh. He shook his head when Sharna asked if there was anyone he wanted them to call and he shook his head. "No, I can-- its okay. I'll call her family.  Can we just go in and give her a kiss first?" He asked, setting down the carseat and taking Austen out of it. "Come on pumpkin, we gotta go give mama a kiss before she goes to surgery." He didn't want to think about the worst happening to her, but he couldn't let her go into surgury without seeing her and letting austen see her one last time.

britt

“You still can take care of the three of you, it’s ok sometimes to take time for you or ask for help, trust me. As a single mom of 2, ask and accept all the help you can get ok?” She smiled then nodded her head. “Yes of course you can. I’ll give you both a moment alone, ok?” Sharna said, giving another smile. Hearing the door, Brenna smiled, sitting up. “I’m sorry, Tristan.”

tess

"We get lots of help from her brother and sister-in-law, and my mom. Somehow I still missed it though. I want to be able to take care of them myself too. Thats a dad's job, and a husbands job. Which hopefully I will get to be." He said, frowning a little. Walking into the room, Tristan rushed over to her side, taking her hand with his free one. "We love you, okay? So you need to do everything you can to make sure you come back out of that surgery." He said, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

britt

“Laurel. She’s good with kids. I understand and from what I’ve seen, you’re a very good dad and you’ll be a great husband.”  She assured him. Brenna wiped her eyes. “I love you both too. So much. I promise that I’ll try, ok?”

tess

Tristan nodded his head, "Yeah, Laurel. We are lucky to have her and Austin." He was greatful for all the help, he just couldn't help but feel a little defeated in this situation. Tristan nodded his head, and held Austen out so Brenna could give her a kiss too. "We are going to be right here waiting for you." He squeezed her hand, not even bothering to wipe the tear from his eye.

britt

”She’s a huge help. I’m glad you have her.” Brenna smiled, giving Austen a kiss on her forehead and then reached up, wiping his tear away. “I’m sorry I’m putting you through this. You deserve so much better.” At that moment, Sharna came back into the room, ”I’m sorry. We gotta take her to the OR. I’ll come get you as soon as surgery is over and she’s in a room.”

tess

Tristan shook his head at Brenna's words, "We just want you, babe." He was scared that it would be the last time he saw Brenna. He took a step back as Sharna came into the room, nodding his head. "Okay, I'll be in the waiting room." He said, biting his cheek and putting austen back into the carseat to take her to the waiting room.

britt

“You have to find someone that wont put you through all this, ok?” She never wanted anyone who wasnt Tristan. She felt that he was her soulmate. Sharna nodded her head as Tristan went to the waiting room and she wheeled Brenna into surgery. After about 4 hours, the surgery was over minus a couple complications and Brenna was put into a room and Sharna came out to the waiting room and over to Tristan. “Tristan? She’s out of surgery and we put her into a room.”

tess

Tristan swollowed hard, shaking his head. He wouldn't ever find someone else. No one like Brenna. Even if she was a twin she was one of a kind and his soulmate. The wait had felt like forever. His mom came and took Austen, and after that he had spent the rest of the time pacing and praying. He wasn't really a religeous man, but it gave him some comfort while he waited. Finally when Sharna came out he perked up again. "Did it go okay? How is she? Is she going to be okay? Can I go see her?"

britt

“There were a couple complications but she’s ok now and she will be ok. Her throat will be sore for a couple days but luckily we were able to do it endoscopically so there are no incisions or anything that will need to heal. Yes of course. I’ll take you to her room.” She smiled, nodding in the direction of the elevators.

tess

Hearing Brenna was okay, he let out a large sigh, tears of releif falling as his body physically relaxed hearing she was okay. "Oh thank god. " He said, wiping a tear and nodding his head as he followed her. "Will she be able to eat normally and stuff?" He asked as they entered the elevator.

britt

Sharna nodded, “After about a day or two. Right now, we suggest water and things like solid apple juice. If she feels up to trying actual food at any point, just let us know.” Stepping off the elevator, Sharna lead him to Brenna’s room. “Like I stated, there were complications but she’s ok and she will be ok.” Stopping in front of Brenna’s door, she turned to look at Tristan, “Do you have have any questions for me?”

tess

He nodded, trying to take mental notes of everything that sharna said. He was a nervous wreck, unsure of what it would be like when he stepped inside the room. What state Brenna would be in. "What were the complications? What will they mean?"

britt

“Her heart stopped a couple times but she’ll be ok. She’s unconscious right now but she’ll wake up soon, alright?” She stated with a smile. “Do you need me to get anything for you guys?”

tess

When she said Brenna's heart stopped a couple times, Tristan felt like his heart was going to stop. That he'd come that close to loosing her. He nodded his head, "Yeah okay. And uhm, not. I don't think so. I just need her to be okay." He said letting out a sigh.

britt

Sharna frowned, patting his shoulder. “She’s gonna be ok. It’ll be sore for a little while but she’ll be back to normal in no time. I promise. If you guys do need anything, don’t hesitate to have me paged.”

tess

He nodded his head giving her a half smile, “thank you. For saving her.”  He said, before opening to door to the room. It broke his heart to see Brenna laying in a hospital bed, but it wasn’t the first time. He walked over to her, brushing a hair out of her face, “you did it babe. You made it through.”

britt

Sharna nodded her head, ”Just doing my job, no need to thank me.” She smiled. It was a couple hours before Brenna finally came to and she looked around the room, a smile gracing her features seeing Tristan. “Hi, babe.” She said, her voice raspy.

tess

Tristan hadn't left his spot next to Brenna since he got in there. He'd let himself doze off a few times, but then someone would come in and check on Brenna and he would wake back up. Hearing a voice beside him, Tristan sat up and smiled. "Hey baby, you're okay." The took her, kissing the top of it.

britt

She smiled, nodding her head. “I could never leave you. I do stand by what I said earlier. You do deserve so much better and I’m so sorry for putting you through this.”

tess

"Good because we both need you." When she said he deserved better he let out a sigh shaking his head, "I don't want anyone besides you. All that matters now though is that you're here and you're talking to me, and not throwing up anymore blood."

britt

She smiled, “All I want is you too. I cant live without you. Throwing up blood was terrifying. I just thought I pulled a muscle in my back because that’s what it felt like.” She loved that he was still by her side through all of this. Even though she did try to tell him that he deserved better, she thought him actually taking her up on the idea would surely send her over the edge. “I gotta be honest about something. I know I let you down and that is eating me alive but the day of your accident, my stomach was in knots and I had the urge to throw up but it wasn’t happening and I just felt worse so I forced it so I guess...I did relapse but at the same time I didnt. It doesnt make sense, I know but I cant handle you blaming yourself. It breaks my heart.”

tess

Tristan let out a sigh, shaking his head, "When I walked in and saw the blood and you leaying there so weak..." He trailed off. It was probably the scariest thing he'd ever seen and something he wasn't likely to forget. Tristan let out a sigh, placing his hands on her face and a kiss on her forehead, "I know babe. I had a feeling, I just-- I guess I just wanted to believe that it was all going to be fine and if it was becoming a thing again you would tell me. I just hate that the stress of me being in the hospital caused it. I can't help but feel a little guilty about that."

britt

“I’m sorry you had to see that. I wish you didnt have to.” She felt bad that he had to see her that way and more than anything she wished she could change that. “I promise I’ll tell you if it happens again. I had been feeling bad for a few days, Tristan. It’s not because of your accident I promise.”

tess

"I wish it hadn't happened, but its in the past okay? All I care about is now." He said, squeezing her hand.  He sighed, looking down at the ground, "Promise you won't let things go on for days like that either. If you're feeling bad, you need to see a doctor. I promise I'll do the same, and when the time comes where I need to leave my job, you know I will." He felt like he still had more to give as far as being a firefighter went, but he knew a time would come when he wouldn't do it anymore.

britt

She nodded as he squeezed her hand. “That’s all I care about too, babe. Now.” She chewed her lower lip and nodded her head. “I’ll try not to. I try to take care of everyone else first but I will try not to let things go on.” She smiled then snorted when he said he would leave his job. “You would never.”

tess

He smiled, nodding his head, "Good. You can't care for us at your best ability if you aren't taking care of you. I want our daughter and any future children we have to have their mom around for all those important things in their life, you know?" He said shrugging. " I would too. I don't want to. I feel like I've still got more to learn and more to do there, but I don't want to die either." He said letting out a sigh.

britt

“Future children? How many are we talking?” She asked with a smile. “But yeah, I know what you mean. I want to be around for those too.” She shook her head, “No you wouldnt. Your job is like, the most important thing to you in the whole wide world. You wouldnt leave.”

tess

"Hmm, at least one more. Maybe 2. I don't want to have more mouths than we can afford to feed." He said letting out a chuckle. Tristan let out a sigh, shaking his head, "If you think thats true, then I haven't been a very good dad or fiance.  Because you two are way more important."

britt

"I'd be down for two." She smiled, shrugging her shoulders. "I get overwhelmed easily. I don't think I could handle more than 3." She laughed. "You can still be a good dad and a good fiancé and still love your work more. It doesn't mean you're not good to us. I've accepted it and I'm ok with it. You're helping people."

tess

Tristan smiled, putting a kiss on top of her head, "We can space them out, they don't have to be close together or anything. Not more than you can handle, baby." Tristan let out a sigh, running a hand over his head in discouragement. "I have. Because I do NOT love my work more than you or more than Austen. Honestly thats a little insulting to hear." Did he want to quit his job? No, it made him feel like he was making a difference in the world and he had no idea what he would be doing if it wasn't firefighting, but he wasn't going to let it cost him his family.

britt

“Spacing them out is a good idea I think. But if they end up close together I’m not opposed to that either.” She smiled. His reaction made her want to cry. He wasnt going to make pushing him away easy but she needed him to see that he deserved someone better. “I’m sorry but if I’m ok with it, it shouldnt matter. It’s okay.” She said, giving him a smile.

tess

He let out a sigh, covering his face with his hands and shaking his head. He didn't know what to say, so he began pacing silently. "Do you want me to quit right now? God Brenna, its not okay! Its not okay that you really think that lowley of me that you think I love it more. I've been right here for you with everything, how can you not see that you're the most important thing in my life?"

britt

“No, I dont want you to quit. Your job is important to you Tristan. I dont think that lowly of you. You’re with me because you feel like you have to be.” She felt tears pool in her eyes and she quickly wiped them away. “You are saving people and that’s what is most important.”

tess

"I'm not with you because I feel like I have to be. I'm with you because I love you. I want to marry you. If I didn't love you, then I wouldn't Brenna. You're the person I want to spend my life with. And what life is it if I don't have you? What good is saving people if I can't save my family."  He said, pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to prevent himself from crying.

britt

Brenna shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. She needed him to see that he deserved better than her. That there is better than her out there for him. “There’s nothing to save. We’re..” She couldnt breathe because of the words she was about to utter. “We’re over, Tristan.” In that moment, she hated herself more now than she did 5 minutes prior. He was her soulmate and she loved him more than anything in the world. “We can alternate weekends with Austen and during the week you can have her when you arent on shift.”

tess

Her words were like a knife to his chest and he took in a deep breath, taking a step back. "What the hell are you talking about Brenna? You're seriously going to break up with me? I'll send in the resignation right now, I don't know what more you want from me!" He was hurt and angry and confused. Things were fine 5 minutes ago and they were talking about more kids, and then suddenly they changed and he didn't understand. "Why are you doing this? Why do you want to keep hurting me, I don't understand. I'm not letting you give up on our family that easily." He said, letting a tear fall.

britt

“Yes. We’re over.” She wished she could take the words back; she wished that talking about their future didnt make her realize all that her existence  did was keep him from a happier life. “You’re not sending in your damn resignation. I want you to leave.” She didnt want him to leave though. His words made her stomach tighten and it felt like a knife went straight through her heart. “Why would you want to be with someone that keeps hurting you? I’m sorry my eating disorder is hurting you, I’m sorry my eating habits are hurting you, I’m sorry that I am hurting you.” She couldnt help it; she had started sobbing, despite how much she wanted to hide it. “I need you to realize that you deserve better. I’m trying my hardest to push you away and make you see that but it clearly isnt working. I don’t deserve the life you’re giving me. You have no idea the amount of hatred I have for myself right now, and its done nothing but increase in the past few minutes and knowing that I just...keep hurting you is making it worse because that has never been my intention. Did I want you to quit? Yes, but I never said anything because it is your job and you are so happy so I’d much rather sit, alone waiting for you to come home. I would love to have a day where I dont have to worry about whether or not you’ll come home but it’s your job so I deal with it. I’m sorry if I keep doing things to hurt you. I am so sorry but you deserve so much better than I can give because you have such a big heart and it is one of the many things I love about you. I love you more than I could ever put into words.”

tess

Tristan sighed shaking his head, "I don't want to leave. I want to fight for us." Everything she said to him made Tristans heart break. The way she started sobbing only made it worse, and he looked down at the groun to avoid making eye contact. "Your eating disorder isn't what hurts me Brenna. What hurts me is the fact that you aren't even listening to me. Doing this-- breaking up-- this is not what I want. I don't care if you think I deserve better, I dont want better. I want you.  Do you know what makes me the happiest? Early mornings when I wake up, and I walk in to see you attempting to feed our daughter even when she's making a mess.  Getting off work and coming home to find you with your hair all a mess, a script in front of you and you taking notes. You, Austen, our life, thats my happy place. You're my soulmate and if you think for a second that I would be happy without you, then you are seriously mistaken."

britt

As he spoke about what made him happy, she couldnt help but smile. He still wanted her. “You and Austen are my happy place too.” She said. “I’m sorry. You just do so much for me and I just...I feel like I’m not good enough for you. But I love you so much. I want more kids, I wanna get married. All of it with you.”

tess

Tristan let out a sigh, moving over closer to her and gently placing his hands on either side of her face,  "I love you Brenna. The good stuff and the bad, and I know you don't think you deserve me, but thats because of your mother. You think you don't deserve love and good things and that you're not good enough, but I'm telling you: you are.  You are good enough and you do deserve to be loved by me."

britt

She nodded her head, “I love you too. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I want to be loved by you. You mean everything to me.”

tess

"I love you too Brenna, you're my world. My girl. I don't want anyone else, and no one else would make me happy okay?" He said, giving a half smile.

britt

She smiled, nodding her head, “Ok.” She patted the space beside her on the bed. “Please. I just...I just need you.”

tess

Tristan smiled, hesitating for a moment. "Okay but first you gotta make me a promise that you aren't gonna try and push me away and break my heart anymore today." He said, giving a soft smile and raising a brow.

britt

Brenna smiled, nodding her head. “I promise. I’m so sorry Tristan. Our life is my happy place and I just want to make you the happiest you’ve ever been.”

tess

Tristan smiled, sitting down next to her. "I am the happiest... Okay well maybe not at this moment because of whats happened to you today, but I'm happy with my life. All I want is to marry you. And If I need to start looking for another job, I can start doing that. I don't know what yet, but I want to be there for our daughter and you and I don't want you to have to worry about me."

britt

“Good. I am too. My life is perfect because of you and at least I’m ok. All I want is to marry you too. I would love for you to start looking for another job but I cant let you do that. It makes you happy, so incredibly happy. You love saving people so I will have to put my fears aside and just pray that you come home to me.”

Personal rant-- Long af just ignore this pls

Ok so like i have a highly dysfunctional family-- my dad works out of my country but he never pays anything for us; not even school/college fees for me and my sis and so on. My mother also used to work outside and used to give the whole fam financial support but now she's retired. Mom and Dad haven't talked to each other for over 20 days. Mom has a stress facture in her ankle and has trouble walking. She also once fainted at her workplace but Dad still doesn't care. Dad has never done anything for us yet he says he loves us and so on and moreover he used to ask mom for money now and then. My relatives aren't nice either-- my mom has three sisters out of which she's the eldest one and the second probably doesnt even know we exist and ive never seen her and she's out somewhere in libya and the third is very selfish and has a lot of pride and the last fourth one is a fucking bitch-- always cynical and backbites and shit. My grandmother is also selfish and arrogant and does not let a week pass by without creating problems. I think I have depression-- no i KNOW i have depression and that's not because ive had the symptoms for just a week-- ive been like this for over 3 years or more. Moreover I cut myself first when I was 11 and even now people tend to think we are just following an internet trend. I also know I have depersonalization-derealization disorder because I have the symptoms. I wasnt able to tell my mother that i even had depression so i made my sis tell her (she found out by accident because she saw my scars) and my mother didnt really talk to me about it and instead took my symptoms (headaches & mood swings + hypersomnia; sis didnt go into much detail) as something that was not related to my mental disorder and said "Change yourself". I had stayed away from my family for over two and a half years to study alone with my grandmother and my fourth aunt and they are very toxic kind of people-- they remain nice and suddenly stab you with knives out of nowhere. I've suffered a lot because of them and because of the toxic classmates I had in 10th grade-- I made no friends there. i cant tell my mom because she already worries too much. But she sometimes screams at me if i make a small mistake and cusses and takes out the anger and frustration of other people on me. I always thought that we are a family so who would we scream at if not at each other-- understanding and shit you know. But when I feel suffocated and so fucking horrible inside i dont tell that to anyone so if I get even slightly irritated-- my mom cannot tolerate that either. She's a very meticulous person so I try to live up to her expectations and sometimes I really wish she'd at least say "well done". It really hurts honestly. It hurts a lot. I didnt want to burden her with my problems so I never said anything. She always talks about how she has suffered and what not. If she was bring irritated with me (which is very often), and i told her to not cause too many problems because I already deal with a lot She'd say-- (no she HAS actually already told me)-- What "problems" do you even have huh? Honestly, I try to keep up with this family. But I just really want to die. I dont know why my family has to be like this. I have friends now and I am a senior and all my friends always talk about stories about the funny moments theyve had with their parents and what not while I have none. I always keep a straight face when mom tells me about how awful dad is. It really hurts because our relationships are so strained that it makes me want to cry when I see other people's parents loving their kids and having a happy family overall. I dont even remember the last time we all sat together and laughed. I always help people but even now I dont know how to ask for help. These past years all I have done is cry behind locked doors, put on fake smiles and cut myself almost every single day. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize myself and I don't feel like I am me or I am my own person. "So this is how I look like to other people" is the first thought that comes to mind. Because I was so alone I made online friends but most of them were toxic too and its amazing how I have not killed myself yet. I dont like how my face looks and maybe I am the only one who is not happy with her skin color. I know it shouldnt bother me but I am slightly chubby, have acne (almost no one in my class has that) and I am brown. I try to think positively but it feels so fake and i get even more frustrated with myself. When i cut myself i (almost never) bleed but it leaves scars that takes months to heal even small scratches but even now my left arm is slightly discolored. My mom wants dad to provide us with financial support and so she tells us to indirectly take out the money from him like some sort of a politician. Why. Is this how the relations in a family work? I have to act like i am not affected by any of this because i dont want to make problems for my mother. But neither does she have time for me nor does she care enough. You know, I would live on streets and have diseases if that meant that I would have someone who would understand me. Even from when I was young, my sister was in another country and mom and dad were almost always out for work and i would be left with my maids. I have never had anyone to emotionally connect with. I really want to help and even though I am so talkative-- the words that are important to say never come out. When I talk to people, I don't recognize my voice and if I do, it feels very fake and i dont even like the words coming out of my mouth. I have become so mentally unstable that I became so hostile to an extent that I was about to attack my mother and thought to just kill her right then and there and the next day while she was talking to me, i just thought "this was the person i wanted to kill huh?" and that really scared me. I have never felt any love from my mom's side and have never emotionally connected with her so at this point I don't know how it feels to have a mother or a father. It's the same as being an orphan for me. Even surrounded by people, I feel alone. I hate that I cant say something simple like "I am in pain and I want you to help me". Whenever I get really angry or frustrated, if I dont cut myself, I either dont eat or I just become very violent with myself. I think maybe I just tend to introspect a lot (if thats what its called). When i finally did tell someone (a net friend) that i had depression, he just said 'you dont have depression' and when i was trying to console his friend and just told him that yanno i had depression but shit happens so you shouldnt feel so down and stuff, he (not his friend) made a group with me and my sister and said that i wanted attention so i keep telling everyone that i had depression. It was a long time ago but i still remember all of it. I remember how my mother slapped me once so hard that my cheek turned blue when it wasnt even my fault. I remember she was hitting me with some pole for something I had not done. Once she even told me "why did i even give birth to you" when she wanted me to just check out a dress and show it to her and dad and i just had a straight face on and that annoyed her cuz it looked gloomy or my annoyed face and shit. It has always been easier for her to tell others she is suffering and to scream at me and call me a bitch and other things whenever she feels like and wants to. She has never said sorry to me and almost all the times i have kept quite and i never told her about how i had felt like shit and wanted to cry and had suicidal thoughts almost all the time. All I have been made to feel is that its my fault and i have even tried to stand up for myself but no one ever listens to me or cares at all. Even now presently i am hiding my tears for some fucking dumbass reason that I dont want my mom to see it because if i tell her to leave me alone she will not listen. When i get like this and feel suffocated, I avoid eye contact because it would feel so intrusive if someone looked at me straight in the eye and found out all my deepest dark secrets. I am not the positive, helpful, happy, funny, talkative friend/person that I show to others because its all just a facade to hide the fact that i am actually a very pessimistic and cold type of person. I know i would have the coldest eyes if I ever showed that self. I envy people who are happy and have happy lives and I despise and hate so much that I want the people who hurt me to suffer so much that theyd want to die. And some times i hate everyone and want them all to die. At this point i dont care if my family dies because it feels as if they are just some people i know. My mother has just become an annoying roommate who demands more respect than is to be given to the average person is all. I dont feel like i have any relation with my father. Me and my sister's relationship is the "so close yet so far away". Yes, I am trash and an overall disgusting person who can never be as good as others nor be able to give others happiness or make things better for anyone and cant do anything except create more problems for everyone and cant help but sometimes be too nice to people so much so that i get hurt and so i become a little too cruel which again fills me with guilt and there is no in-between. I really just want to kill myself because maybe it'll do someone some good and if not.. then its still fine, I wouldnt care because I would be dead by then anyway.