vent post

All I want is Nothing- A frerard theorists dissection/ overanalyses

Hello my darlings <3

in this blog series I am going to be overanalysing Frank Iero's solo project album "Stomach Aches." I love this album very much I literally believe Frank Iero to be a genius when it comes to song writing and I also am obsessed with his voice, it has this emotion tied to it that just come's naturally to him in a way that is doesn't for a lot of singer song writers.

But you already know who Frank Iero is, otherwise you wouldn't be here! So in this blog I am going to dissect the first track on the album Stomach aches for the purpose of contributing to the proof of frerard. Because it did happen. I have dug sooooooo deep into the internet hole which is frerard that no matter how much bs they talk about being 'Just friends' can pull me out of it. So there, if you don't want to believe me that's fine, but if you do then by all means read on.

So the track All I want is nothing first makes a reference to the MCR song DESTROYA (need I say more) before it begins with the phrase:

All I want is you,

This is not an uncommon phrase in most song's and it's pretty self explanatory so we'll move on,

I think back to the heart attack

where the world seemed so brand new.

The phrase heart attack i think could be referring to one of three things;

one of which being the song Save yourself I'll hold them back, which if you analyse the lyrics is literally a song from party poison to fun ghoul ( But more on that another day )

Another possibility is that it is in reference to the fact that Frank was in love with both Jamia and Gerard and he considered that a heart attack because it was all to much loving these two people and knowing that ultimately one of their hearts would break.

A third more likely option is the fact that before MCR's revenge tour Gerard's dad literally had a (nonfatal) heart attack. This also links to the line afterward, "when the world seemed so brand new" It was at the beginning of MCR, which Frank and Gerard have so many times said that being in MCR is like being reborn....so yeah.

Wasted time with a crooked spine

when I really should've spent my time with you

Now out of the whole song this is the line that confuses me the most after reading various blogs I realised that most of them say that this is making reference to Gerard's scoliosis, and i too thought that until I realised that Frank Iero is a cryptic poet and doesn't literally mean a crooked spine. So I researched the metaphorical meanings behind a spine and I found that Having a spine or a "back Bone" means to be strong and resilient, however having the opposite ( a crooked spine if you will) means a lack of courage or will.

Do you see it? This also fits in pretty perfectly to the line after, "when I really should've spent my time with you" He's saying that he wasted time fearing telling someone how he really feels, and out of that fear, neglected to have the relationship with that person that he so desired. He is saying, " I wasted time being to scared of telling you how I feel, when i could've spent that time being with you"

Now All I want is nothing

All i want is what I can't have

All I want Is nothing

Okay so the chorus, I believe Frank says all he wants is nothing because he feels that their relationship is nothing now>He feels it's non existent because Gerard is with someone else, which is supported by the next line of "all I want is what i can't have" This is obvious, he feels that Gerard belongs to someone else, that he can't Have him. But Frank still wants Gerard even though Gerard doesn't belong to him anymore.

If I can't have just

one more second of your

undivided attention.

Okay so you need to understand that Frank used to get ALL the attention on stage. Jesus Christ pro rev was frerard at it's highest as far as we can tell... But then out of nowhere Gerard got married. And so little by little Frank stopped getting so much "Stage gay" I mean it was true on behalf of both party's they where both as bad as each other when it came to the stage homo, but then they just got their libidos in check and stopped jacking each other off on stage. And Frank missed that, he missed all of Gerard's attention being on him.

All I want is you

This is Frank saying that he still wants Gerard, I don't really need to explain further do I?

All I have are memories

of how you felt lying next to me

All we are is a memory

Frank is making it clear that this person is not his anymore, that this person is not in his life as a romantic partner anymore, he's saying that "we don't exist anymore" even referring to their relationship almost like he's mourning. All we are is a memory.

I used to have a best friend

now just one more enemy

Okay we all know Frank and Gerard where best friends, Its common knowledge. But they had a falling out during the end of pro rev aka. 'The frerard fight' I'll link the video at the bottom if you haven't seen it already, they've since made up but it has never been the same. After that it was like Gerard was begging for attention and Frank wasn't having a bar of it, because he was hurt. This could also be what the crooked spine line is talking about, perhaps Frank is saying that he wasted to much time being mad at Gerard.

If i cant have just one more second

of a time

when i was yours and you where mine

and all I want is everything

we never had before

but i still want more

Frank explains the first line pretty well himself, but in saying that all he want's is everything they never had before, he could be saying that he wanted to be public about their relationship. Which is what a lot of Frerard theorists suggest and I think is partly true. But what I think he wanted was exclusivity, I think we wanted Gerard to be exclusively his, and in turn he wanted to be exclusively Gerard's.

All i want is you

to want me,

to want me,

to want-

Again I really don't need to explain that one.

Thankyou so much for reading and I am very grateful that you made it to the very end, also I would love to hear your insights into this dissection of All I want IS Nothing I appreciate your ideas and find them very helpful in the hope of piecing together what the fuck happened between these two.

Here is the link to the Frerard fight as promised

Anyways darlings come back next time cause I'm doing The whole stomach aches album in order and then if you enjoyed this, possibly hesitant alien although Gerard's lyrics can be harder to fish out lyrics with an alternative meaning i will try for you :)

Have an amazing evening, I need to sleep because i have school in five hours

love you byee :333

Style

Contrary to what might be expected, I am not an avid book reader. Regrettably, I have an incredibly hard time finding stories that captivate me, and am far easier annoyed with writing styles and far sooner bored with subject choices than, I'm sure, would better me. Herein, I'd like to add, not to sound too pedantic, it is mostly the weirdness of my own brain that hinders me. In constant world-dissecting contemplation, therein all too prone to jadedness and world weariness. A rather unruly mind that not only is weird, but also craves weirdness: surprises, sparks of curiosity, and above all confusion; logic in chaos, magic in reality.

Magical realism.

Two days ago I learned about this style of writing, and I'm excited. We had guests over, old friends of my mom and dad; a married couple with whose family we used to spend holidays together. Occasionally they drop by, or my mom and I go to theirs. After catching up, I had to go walk the dog, so I missed out on a lot of fun, and often inspiring, conversations, and when I came back we went from series and movie recommendations --- for which I am also rather useless --- to reading tips.

Now, I have reading tips, but I always add the disclaimer that my mind is weird and my tastes are based on vagueness and obscurity, definitely not for everybody. But as I was, I suppose apologetically, enthusing about Süskind's Perfume and Hesse's Steppenwolf, adding them to 'the borrow pile', the husband had been nodding and finally hummed:

"Magical realism."

Immediately intruiged, I asked him what it was, and he explained it was a certain writing style. He couldn't quite reproduce the exact mannerisms of the style, as it was part of his high school material, but when I spoke about my reading preferences one of his Dutch classes had randomly popped into his mind. And(!) there was a book. He grabbed his phone and searched both Google and his memory simultaneously, until his much anticipated: "A-ha!"

Hubert Lampo

The Coming Of Joachim Stiller

I ordered the book immediately. Today, it arrived, and this evening I started reading. 80 feverishly read pages in I can already say this is EXACTLY what my weird, food-for-thought malnourished brain had been literarily craving. Not only subject wise, but the Flemish Lampo, like our southern neighbours tend to do, writes attentive, therein striving for perfection. Then, Lampo himself treats the Dutch language as an artform. I have to reread bits because I get distracted admiring his craft.

There are so many mind sparkling sentences, and he strings them together without fearing any extra comma or conjunction. Some take up over half a page and I love it. I'll gladly admit it took me some pages to get used to reading such writing again, having solely read poetry and (news) articles for a year or two, but it is such a blessing to not be underestimated as a reader in both vocabulary and attention span.

I put down the book to write down this feeling of joy, and share it, but also to be able to relive the feeling when I head to my mom and dad's friends' place, as a guest, to properly express my thanks for the recommendation.

Don't you adore it when a great book just randomly comes into your life like this? When it finds you as if fated, because it is at a time in your life when you, in hindsight, direly seek its contents.

For obvious reasons, I do. It's one of the little magics I still have left. All my favourite books have come to me randomly, as such. However, two, maybe three years of waiting for such a moment is a long time. That's why I'm also glad that two days ago I got to know about the style. Magical Realism. I'll dive into that as soon as I finish reading, or, better said, consuming The Coming Of Joachim Stiller.

Happy Halloween, spookies! 

Because we are a book club, and our faves released a whole entire book, what better what to round out October with a discussion on Buzzfeed Unsolved Supernatural: 101 True Tales of Hauntings, Demons, and the Paranormal! 

We gathered round the proverbial campfire and shared our favorite tidbits from the book. It’s delightfully written, with excellent stories in between the sometimes-chaotic commentary Ryan and Shane offer throughout the stories, exactly like you’d imagine an episode of BFU to be written. We had so much fun laughing at the jokes, and being genuinely curious about the writing process.

Quite the send off for such a phenomenal series that brought so many people together. If you haven’t read it yet, we urge you to if you can, though listening to the audiobook was worth it for a few tiny little surprises that weren’t included in the text version! 

Title: Buzzfeed Unsolved Supernatural: 101 True Tales of Hauntings, Demons, and the Paranormal

Rating: N/A

Summary: Based off one of the most popular web series on the internet, Ryan Bergara and Shane Madej present BuzzFeed Unsolved Supernatural, 101 of the scariest, spookiest, and creepiest locations around the USA and a few abroad, with 50 percent brand-new content and locales exclusive to the book. 

Hey there, demons! BuzzFeed Unsolved Supernatural has entertained viewers over the course of seven spooky seasons, covering the supernatural and otherworldly spirits, to ghosts, ghouls, unexplained paranormal activity, and everything in between. In their thrilling debut book, cohosts Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara (lovingly known as the “ghoul boys” to fans) deep-dive into dozens of haunted locations around the USA and a few abroad, including subjects from some of their most favorite and talked about episodes, as well as brand-new locations not previously seen before on their show.  

As they explore the history behind haunted houses, creepy graveyards, former insane asylums, abandoned buildings, and horrifying hotels, Shane and Ryan use their trademark wit and humor to dissect each terrifying tale with their most hilarious highlights and biting commentary. So hold on to your hell-bound soul, boys and ghouls—it’s about to get demonic up in here. 

Book Club Thoughts: 

i loved getting one last bit of classic bfu goof 'em ups

yes! i thought the writing process was really interesting that they were just doing it in a google doc essentially

The intimacy of cowriting in a gdoc together is something I thought only fic writers share

i don't know if this was in any way on purpose but the one time the narrator talks back to them made me howl because they waited so far in the book to actually do that

i didn't actually read the book, so whatever differences pop up are lost on me, but i appreciate the way the book is crafted, with the pictures and differences in their "hand writing"

my favorite bits by far were the places they covered that they never covered in unsolved

i think the differences is because the writing feels a bit scripted-- which makes sense, a lot of writing does because it is, but they wanted the audiobook to have the authentic off-the-cuff banter feeling of the series. so lines were altered a bit to sound more natural and less like they're reading off a script, and sometimes that would lead to new riffs or bits

it's the way my brain protects me and erases everything ryan and shane say

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US FOR OUR NEXT DISCUSSION? CHECK OUT THE FAQ, AND SEND US AN ASK! IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR FIC RECS, PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR READS, NOMINEES AND BOOK CLUB REC LISTS!

[read] oxnard is my son

Reading wolfsong rn and why is the writing style so eerie LIKE... you know what it reminds me... Like typical murder thriller storytelling in mangas I used to read. (like I know it will? Eventually involves murder) BUT MAN ITS SO EERIE

I guess it's the way the story is told like a diary. Like a dissection to the innocent thoughts of ox... he's so precious like I get why gordo wants him in the pack it's the paternal instinct. Ox's dad is probably the murderer right...

Not going to comment about the romance bcs it felt icky at the point I know I know no yucking peoples yums and its just like, what, 5?6?years age gap. but idk they're like at different levels of school... Like... Typically high schoolers wouldn't date a middle school kids right?? Then again idk when I was in middle school, ive heard of (typically girls) students that thought of dating highs schooler as something, like, normal... Idk how they would meet in the first place but?? Like alright ill stop writing. This is a post about wolfsong asshdhdjjj idk the point is im not too keen on age gaps...... Typically I wouldn't even mind 6-7 years if that happened when they're both adults at their 20s or something it's just this one they met at the very young age... ;-;

But I looked up at some spoilers and got reassured that the romance part happened in later parts, which I guess?? Makes it better??? I DON'T KNOW guess I'll see how it's handled OK, in tj klune I trust

ALRIGHT AGE DISCUSSION ASIDE I love love love the writing of the book so far. It has the thrills, the suspense but also... How soft it can be. I've read like, what, two books involving werewolfs so I get the gist of like wolf-traits but not so much on packs and groups aspect of it. Wolfsong delves heavy (as far as I read) and the affectionate (I would say platonic) touches, ruffling heads, patting backs LIKE... ox deserved that yes give my son the affection he deserve

Idk why ox is in two packs tho aren't wolves like territorial how come he has gordo's and the bennets... Hm...

UGHH OX LEARNED HOW TO TEXT😭 that's my son right there (we're barely years apart)

Joe uses =D emotes... I uses :D (and I know I've said enough about the age topic but the fact that joe has to ask for his mom if he can go to cinema with ox is a bit... Like this doesn't make it better, mentally THIS kid is a kid!!! what do I do im like pretty invested in this book but also... Is the age gap rly necessary mr klune... I'll pretend that joe is only two years younger for the rest of my readthrough for my own sake and see if that changes anything. Crisis averted! I'm a genius.)

Did my son ox really just had his 𝕴 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚 moment HSGSHJSSJJ

Did gordo just sneak into ox's room in the middle of the night... like is he,, is he sneaking through thee windows or the front door. And did they lock the house when they left I HAD SO MANY QUESTION

PackOursMineBrotherSonLove

STOPPPPP IF I ENDED UP LIKING WEREWOLF STORIES I'M BLAMING TJ KLUNE AHHHHH

Why is he leaving my man gordo in the forest why is this so eerie and why I am having a lot of fun reading this chapter... noooooo he's leaving gordo's pack😔

I LIKE PUPPIESS I've been watching a lot of cute doggies wagging their tails videos though I'm not too keen on alpha/beta/omega dynamics (why the hell i read a werewolf book then, uh, tj klune)

They really spammed (pack pack pack pack) in my son's head hsgzhsjsjhs so are they sharing like a mind?? Telepathy??? Is ox tethered to two packs now... Pls no abusive alpha😔 I trust in you nephew joe

Omega were dark things in the wolves society??? I thought they're the one that can get pregnant??

Tethers... Possessive... ANYTHING TO SAY GORDO....??? I'm sure he's gonna be paired up with Mark for second chances stories in another book bcs I know this is a series

This isn't fair to Jessie ngl

I'm visualizing the story as if it's told in a manga medium and I'm floored... It fits so well... The dramatics...! The sound effects in the bg. I'm being weird

"I'm always going to be here." Ox denied what his mom said, but he promised Joe the same thing himself. Loyalty runs wild within the pack...

JUSTICE FOR JESSIE she was brought to the story to be given dirt I hate this tropes in mm books sometimes AND WHATEVER HAPPEN TO GORDO'S GUYS, like Chris?? (fuck me I spoiled myself looking for posts about Jessie, WELL OK THEN)

Ok I wrote too early there he is, chris

thank the lords that my son ox is checking out peers his age at this point bcs pls let joe's be one-sided until for a longer while. on another note, Carter... Cutie... same age... what we could have... 😔 I could get away with forgetting but mr klune kept reminding me of the age problem ughgcgj (and I keep writing it to the point of casual reminders) I will try harder to ignore things I do not want to perceive.

I was so used to see a/b/o dynamics being soooo sexualized (is it a sexual term? Idk) in like memes when I casually scroll Twitter or YouTube so I can't take the whole 'My Alpha' thing seriously... Tho it's nice to see it portrayed like, possessiveness, taken two levels higher I guess, then again it's... This isn't really Abo per se?? It's like typical cute wolf pack dynamics. If so, I don't mind pack dynamics that much.

wait they took ox's mom (I forgot her name) to training and bonding too that's so cute AAAHHJ I love love love tu klune's side character and how it brings a lot of life to the story, how they're incorporated and like have character growth... (I STILL LOVE THE KIDS AT CERULEAN SEA though I forgot most of their names except Lucy I'm sorry dwarf daughter slime son uhh fairy kid and griffin (not?)kid and Lucy too)

my son ox forgets names easily too, he got it from me😭

Carter and ox being domestic. this is love... I LOVE THIS PAIR.... Who tf is nick? Wdym he never saw him again. DID... DID JOE KILL HIM...

Four years later, and Joe is actually 20💕 brainwashing myself has never been this easy

AHHHHH I remember ox's mother name... Remembered the spoiler I saw.... Connected the two....... Spoilers alert even tho it's in tags pls😭 ok I'll mourn ig....

Fuck me ox is catching feelings... I tried to ignore the age but they kept mentioning Joe's age and how short he is AND I'M.... OKAY... But then Joe turned 17 and suddenly ox is realizing the butterflies like I'm sorry is the age gap really necessary mr klune 😭 but I like everything else.... The characters, the world, the writing... I need to pause and sleep it off for now...

I CANT SLEEP I WANT TO READ AHHH ok ok it's ok, haven't even see how it's handled so it's ok. Alright denial is a river in Egypt whatever which means I'll get over it soon so...

I warmed up to joe(21) and ox(23) already😭 CUTE my son is so clumsy and delusional (mildly)

am I yucking someone else yum... if so I'm sorry but the later half of this chapter, seriously... The word underage is mentioned and this is still the direction they went with shzvjsjshshshs how can I live in denial if things kept getting shoved on my face wdym it's okay carter😭

flustered ox is so... Hes so cute UGHH not to mention joe(21) being smug about it like this man (guy (kid)) is confident as hell. He's gonna be the death of ox (hopefully not literally)

I folded so easily because why is this so cute... This is like peak friends(both adults and /over/age) to lovers pipeline

PLEASEEE joe(21) just did a proposal... a cutiepie and a half

this is cracking me up so bad I love this book (certain trope aside) they're just hiding outside listening😂

Okay, okay, so the reasoning being that thing about experiences and how some kids mature early and stuff balut werewolves minds and compatibility and stuff. Fair, fair, but, AHHH whatever, moving on...

Maybe I teared up a bit,,, oxnard my son you're indeed worth everything😭

Joseph you possessive pup... His speech? Poem? Is peak creep and obsession... As expected from alphas ig

i'll never understand people that don't like the ic but still read fanfic about them or even acotar in general? the books revolve around them, how did you even finish the series? especially because they usually feel the need to pull the "they're actually not great people" card like yeah everyone read the book, literally everyone in acotar did fucked up things. and i get that those would make you not like them but i don't understand still reading fanfic about it when you clearly don't like the characters and it is annoying to have to keep reading comments like this like if you don't like azriel and the ic why are you reading about it and trying to make the people enjoying it feel bad for liking it? idk it rubs me the wrong way because it really feels like the only reason to comment on it is to make people feel bad for liking something you don't. i've had to deal with this in a lot of fandoms and it's something that always made me feel weird because i don't like a lot of characters or books but i'll never understand the need to come tell people that clearly do like it how much you hate it. what response do you even expect from that? im sorry you don't like the character that i do? im sure i don't like characters that you like as well and that's fine, we're both living our lives (there are exceptions obviously like some characters really do beyond fucked up shit and some books/shows are just fucked up in general but the ic sits pretty in the middle of the morally grey area)

i'm probably exaggerating a bit (acotar is just a casual fandom for me believe it or not after this whole thing) but if i spent so much time writing about a character or a book and someone just came in talking about how they don't like the characters i'd feel a bit discouraged and i hope you don't, fanfic writers literally carry fandoms on their backs for free and don't deserve this

also if you post this and that anon reads this, i'm sorry if this was not your intention, i kind of used the ask as an example because i've seen a rise of this kind of thing in this fandom (and some other ones actually) and it just feels dumb to me. the ask didn't even really say they hated them so it does make me feel a bit bad to use it as an example but still wanted to say this because it really just feels mean to me most times

‘i'm probably exaggerating a bit (acotar is just a casual fandom for me believe it or not after this whole thing)’

I don’t think it depends on how invested you are in this fandom since your point is still valid regardless of what book/TV series you’re into? It’s applicable to multiple situations, not just acotar.

Irrelevant of what sort of show or series you’re into, if you like it, you like it, and it’s usually a little upsetting when people talk badly about stuff you feel strongly about?

‘and someone just came in talking about how they don't like the characters i'd feel a bit discouraged and i hope you don't’

Personally, since it was in regards to CBMTHY, I assume that they’re only upset/frustrated with the IC because of how they’ve been written in that fic? I don’t interpret it as anyone directly attacking me, because they’re expressing their own opinions (as you’re doing, too) and sometimes I’ll agree; sometimes I won’t, but it’s not a personal thing?

I love reading everyone’s thoughts and opinions regarding acotar in general because there are so many different views? Some people really hate Nesta (who I love), other people like Amren (who I really, really dislike, but oh well, I can put that aside for writing purposes), so it’s just fun to listen and dissect all these viewpoints!

‘also if you post this and that anon reads this, i'm sorry if this was not your intention,’

‘the ask didn't even really say they hated them so it does make me feel a bit bad to use it as an example’

(Thank you for putting this part at the end to clarify your own tone/intention since it’s sometimes difficult to understand through text :) )

It seems like you have a vendetta against Shulk/Fiora. Like, not just disliking it and preferring Shulkelia but straight up hate the canon ship of the game. Why?

Thank you for asking this! It's an interesting question and I have a quite a bit to say about it (as usual with me aha). So I'll put the details under the cut, but yes, I personally do not like any aspect of the canon relationship/writing of it at all (although I don't go into that here since I talked about much more than I expected lol, if you're curious specifically about what my opinions are on the dialogue/choices in the game regarding Shiora feel free to send me another ask!). Also if you've read my fanfics (genuinely not trying to plug my work haha I swear) and see how I write Fiora and her friendship with Shulk, and especially the fic where I write from her pov for the whole thing, you can see I don't hate her and try to be respectful to her creators and fans! Anyway, for a TL;DR:

Aside from my personal history (which also is part of why I like Shulkelia as much as I do) causing the way Fiora's attraction to Shulk is written to not come off very well to me, and even ignoring what I've seen on the Internet about how people react to these ships and those who like or dislike them, it's just A Thing About Life that there will be parts of media you really like and parts of the same media you really don't, and that's what makes art engaging and impactful and personal and fun to talk about! I'm just someone who always has a lot to say about anything, so don't take my diatribes as anything more than me being passionate about analyzing stuff haha. I still love Xenoblade 1 with all my heart, and me not liking parts of the series such as Xenoblade 2 (very much) or Shiora (at all) doesn't affect how much I enjoy what I do like! It's just another fun facet to delve into for me, whether it's a thing I like or a thing I dislike.

And when all you see and know of me is from a blog that's specifically just for talking about a small facet of one piece of media, I can come off as more melodramatic about my liking of Shulkelia and disliking of Shiora since I don't talk too much about the rest of Xenoblade as a whole, nor anything else for that matter, on here. I promise I don't truly care that much about this fictional love triangle in my day-to-day life, and I'm sorry if I came off as rude about it! If you like their relationship then... I do want to say more power to you, and count this as me having said so, but also I don't feel like I need to because, as you said, it is canon so the Xenoblade devs have been (and probably will be!) providing plenty of enjoyment for you, and so no one should care what a silly singular stranger like me thinks at the end of the day haha.

But if you do, then here's what I have to say:

First off, I just enjoy really thoroughly dissecting everything I like, as well as dislike (as you will soon see!). I like delving into details and analyzing stuff, and sometimes that passion can be a little too obsessive, which can come off as me being passionate in my hatred of The Thing rather than passionate about analyzing why I hate The Thing (which is what's really going on). So it's important to me to say that when I talk about anything I dislike in depth like this, it's not ever meant to be hating on or attacking people who do like it! I just really find it fun to put things under a microscope, both when I really like them and really dislike them, because I enjoy discovering what, specifically, about them makes me feel that way.

I also think it's important to repeat that point about how this blog is both 1) meant to be near-exclusively about Shulkelia and 2) the posts I make here are pretty much my entire online footprint (outside of my fanfic account which is p much about the same topic aha), and as such these are the only things that strangers have to form an opinion about me (much like the common criticism brought up about parasocial relationships). When I log on to this blog I'm here to talk about my Xenoblade OTP or things related to it, and so that's all you see of/know about me. And even though the reason I made this blog is because of how much I like it (I'm kind of obsessive about the things I'm really passionate about, I've been that way my whole life, so that certainly doesn't help either haha), there are things I may like equally or even more, but because they aren't what this blog is for I don't mention them, and so anyone who doesn't know me won't know about them unless I talk about them. When you only see the fraction of me that I'm willing to share, then of course it'll seem like that fraction is the whole me if you never get to see the other 99%.

So much in the same way that I can seem super obsessed about Shulkelia (which, to be fair, I do get that way some days haha) it can seem like I really really hate Shiora too, since the only time I'm going to talk about it is on a blog that's dedicated to a different ship, and since I'm not really a multishipper nor do I enjoy the writing of it in canon, I won't ever have much nice to say about it. And because it's a canon ship that most people seem to enjoy, it's going to come up from time to time on art that either has Fiora/the love triangle involved or in the comments I see on it, and since I have something to say about it I do. Although I do genuinely not like it at all, I try to do it in a way where it's clear I'm not hating on people who enjoy it, either by trying to hammer home that it's just my personal opinion about it, or being super hyperbolic about disliking it in an attempt at humor. But tone and meaning can get lost from brain to text and I'm surely not the best at wording things sometimes, so I don't blame anyone for getting the wrong impression, and if that's happened I do apologize!

For example, if this blog was instead about my love of Mexican food (which is true!) and was meant for being a catalogue of recipes I come across, I'd probably talk in the tags pretty often about how I lament that so many recipes have cilantro in them because I have the weird cilantro-tastes-like-soap gene and so it tastes awful to me (which is also true!). When this happens over and over again on so many recipes that have cilantro, and when this repetition is all you ever get to see about me, it would probably seem like I have a burning hatred for cilantro, when in reality I barely think about it at all, and if something I want to eat has it I'll just politely ask for no cilantro or silently pick it off. I do think the weird gene is interesting, and I have a fun story about how I found out I have it which I enjoy telling, but I'm also just fine eating my food if no one wants to talk about it.

But that comparison isn't perfect, because there's a lot more going on in interpersonal relationships (fictional or not) and why people enjoy them or not. So let's get into that!

I did mention there were personal reasons why I feel the way I do, and to the extent I do, about these pairings, so it's only fair to explain what that's about. All throughout my life up until college I never had anyone show any romantic interest in me, even in high school, while in contrast all my friends as well as my sister had been in multiple relationships, so I felt rather lonely and figured there was something wrong with me if no one would want to date me haha. But I did of course have crushes of my own (that because of the aforementioned thought I had that I was unlikable I never acted on) and one of them was on a mutual friend that my best friend at the time also knew, as well as knew that I liked him. And all of a sudden one day they were going out and being affectionate all the time, including right in front of me even though my friend knew I liked him. That plus my loneliness from before obviously hurt really bad and made me pretty upset for a while haha.

Then on top of that later that year I would connect with someone like I never had before in my life and he "felt the same way", the very first person to ever tell me they liked me and I believed it. I honestly do still think he did like me... yet he would go on to get into a relationship with someone else and all the while repeatedly promise me that I was special to him and that she didn't get him like I did and he'd leave her for me but of course we can still have our deep talks about his personal problems and blah blah blah. There's a lot more to it than that but I'll cut it short and just say this happened for literally every single day for an entire year of my life, and it really deeply affected me for a long time, though I'm fine now of course. Well, it did change me as a human being, but you know what I mean haha. I don't say this to elicit pity (really, don't, I promise I'm fine) but to give you some puzzle pieces to help figure out the mystery of why I dislike Shiora.

So I'm sure you can see the parallels from my life to what Melia goes through, and that's precisely the mechanism that everyone uses to relate to and love fictional characters: they deal with horrible stuff that we can connect back to horrible stuff we've been through, and we empathize with them. That's one reason why so many people love Shulk (including me!), and Melia, and countless other characters. That's kind of what they're here for: to relate to. He just like me for real and all that. So, in the same way my life experiences make me relate so much to Melia, I can also relate those who I liked but never could be with to Shulk and relate their girlfriends to Fiora. And knowing how those real-life relationships ended up and why they didn't work out, I can really see parallels to how Fiora and Shulk's relationship is written, at least with the vibe I got from it on first and second impression. Therefore I both dislike it for personal reasons and the information those reasons gave me about good and bad relationships.

On a lighter note though, there's another aspect to the whole we-like-characters-we-identify-with thing with regards to shipping: I really do think the ships we like (if any) are based on and a reflection of ourselves and what we want in a partner (should we want to have one). Or in simpler terms, our OTPs are often made up of a character we can self-insert as and a character we would marry if they were real haha. And I don't mean that in a bad way at all! It's fun to make up fake scenarios with fake characters that you want to kiss, even when you're not writing direct-self-insert or xReader stuff (which I also don't bash)! I'm certainly guilty of this myself, even as much as I try to write them true to their character, relating so much to Melia and finding a lot about Shulk attractive for reasons that Melia also does means I'm just like everyone else haha. But on the other side of the coin, the fact that I cannot relate to Fiora in so many ways as well as do not vibe with how she treats her attraction to Shulk means I can't really enjoy the thought of them as a couple.

But outside of talking about the canon for just a second more, I think there's an interesting phenomenon(? idk what to call it lol) here that is in this ask as well as many other people's vocalized opinions regarding this game's love triangle: said canon. As in, the concept that someone could like Xenoblade 1 overall but dislike the canon relationship either confuses and/or upsets some people. Which is strange to me on its own, like do these people also get confused and/or mad when someone says they love hamburgers but hate when they have pickles on them? Everyone has their own tastes, and what you like or how much of it you do is just part of being an individual. (Plus I must say it's extra odd with regards to Shulkelia, as I've never seen the same comments/reactions to ships like Meliora, Shulk/Reyn, Shalvis, Dunban/Melia, etc, despite the fact that they're all equally as non-canon as Shulkelia. Maybe it's because the game firmly shoots down Shulk liking Melia so hard? But it also shows how much Fiora likes Shulk, so wouldn't Meliora [which is pretty darn popular as far as Xenoblade 1 ships go, at least from my browsing] be just as "anti-canon"?).

For extra context too, there are. SO. many friendzoned/"haha Shulk doesn't like Melia" memes and jokes out there (and if these people are so concerned with canon, it's weird how often they make Shulk and/or Melia act out of character super hard to push the joke!) which don't really exist to be pro-Shiora and more just anti-Shulkelia. I even came across a guy on reddit who would post Melia fanart every day, and so many of his posts were stalked by this one dude who would write a little rant about how Melia sucks and Fiora is the best, and would really go off if the fanart showed Melia's crush on Shulk in any way. Now he was super downvoted every time but... I've never seen anyone do that for Shulkelia. And yet I have seen quite a few posts of people complaining about Shulk/Melia fans shoving their ship in their faces and how much it sucks as a ship and I'm like i have been trying for MONTHS to find a single scrap of shulkelia content yet find barely anything and what i do find has SO many comments saying they still like shiora or that they hate the art since it's not shiora literally WHO are you talking about??? Like maybe I just am unlucky and have seen literally all 20 or whatever number of instances of Shiora fans being rude that ever existed but... they still do exist. I'm not making this up, in fact I encourage you to go out and search for Xenoblade fan content regarding this love triangle and see how people react to it! That's what I did and that's how I came across all of this!

Anyway, like was there a huge ship war in the early fandom days or something??? If so why can I find no mention of it anywhere except from salty Shiora shippers/Fiora fanboys, like barely any Shulkelia art even exists and I see zero talk from the supposed pushy Shulkelia fans? They have like 30 freaking fics in existence and half of them are Melia sulking about how Fiora is being lovey dovey with Shulk and showing they actually got together after all so don't even really count as Shulkelia fics!! In my searching for Shulkelia content I come across so many comments from people who like the ship trying to downplay their enjoyment of it and placate any potential Shiora fans reading their comments with "oh but Shulk/Fiora is cute too! i still like them together! i only like Shulk/Melia in a close friends kind of way, or just to make Melia happy idc about the ship i just like seeing her smile!" so like... What reality do these other guys live in where they got bombarded with Shulkelia over and over because I wish I lived in it!!! Something's up with some Fiora fans idk. Maybe I just had back luck in my searching, but try it yourself and see. I'm not crazy or making this up, I could just have been seeing all 20 or whatever number of Shiora's rude fans but... they do exist, and I have yet to see similar behavior from Shulkelia fans.

And this isn't all just me being a lurker looking at rando's comments as well. I even have a bit of a secondhand-experience story to tell about it! (The specific timeline of the initial details might be jumbled a bit, but I do remember the gist of it and still have the DMs to confirm some of the facts!)

I used to be active on Twitter, and I followed a lot of different Xenoblade fan artists on there. One day a certain artist posted a WIP of Melia and Shulk laying next to each other on a hill where Shulk was smiling at her, and although the artist deleted it (for reasons you will soon learn about) I think they wrote the Japanese ship name of the two on the tweet for it. Either way, I do recall before the WIP was posted they tweeted about liking Shulkelia, or rather ShuMeri as the Japanese ship name is called, (although in much the same "i like Melia so i like the thought of her being happy. Shulk belongs with Fiora though! i still ship them!" please-don't-be-mad-at-me way that I have never seen a Fiora/Shiora fan do) and wanting to draw something for it. Even though this particular artist posted in Japanese, a language I don't know 99% of, I was able to get the gist of their tweets through the translation feature and my knowledge of what the characters' names are in Japanese. And despite how hard this artist tried to be nice, tried to show how much they weren't trying to be mean to Shiora fans (they even had drawn Shiora art months earlier!), they got a wave of hate directed at them from Japanese fans which I saw in real time.

And if you doubt this because the tweets are now deleted, and because even when they were up I only read them through an A.I. translation, I felt so bad for this poor artist that I DM-ed them (regrettably in English, since I didn't trust my knowledge of Japanese to not end up making me say something I didn't intend or in a rude/informal tone) to show there was at least one other person out there that enjoyed ShuMeri and was excited to see their art. And they fortunately understood my message and knew English to message me back and told me direct quotes of what was thrown at them, which I still have in my DMs and will quote:

"'You are denying the original story. It's too unsatisfying and ugly' 'It's not right to make Shulk and Melia lovers.' someone said. At other times, people have replied to my art, complaining about Melia's behavior in the story, as I tweeted the other day. I've had a lot of negative comments about ShuMeri and Melia." (With regards to the whole "complaining about Melia's behavior in the story" thing, if I recall that was from people saying she had no right to have a crush on Shulk in the first place, which... I thought you guys said canon is sacrosanct? It is canon that Melia had a crush on Shulk, and if you don't like that then you don't respect the canon/story and aren't a real fan. Do you see how silly this sounds???)

So. Tell me if you have ever seen any Melia fans or Shulkelia fans ever behave like this. Because I sure haven't. (Like even this ask [which I am not upset about nor trying to be rude to the anon at all, on the contrary I'm super enjoying talking about this topic! it's just the dichotomy here is interesting to me!) is proof to me: how many times can you say you've seen comments on Shiora art or asks sent to Xenoblade fanblogs asking why someone doesn't like Shulkelia, do you hate Shulkelia, what's wrong with Shulkelia? Like I get one is canon and the other isn't, but like... have you seen shipping culture? Literally all of the most popular ships for any given media are non-canon, that's half the fun of shipping!!!

"Don't let mean fans sour the original work" (and again, just to make sure I'm clear, I do not consider the anon who sent this ask to be mean or rude in any way! I'm referring to other randos here!) and all that, but it's kind of hard for me to like a ship when it has fans that act like this... going around projecting by accusing fans of a different ship of their own behavior, or saying things that contradict their own points about how important canon is to them. Thinking back on how we like characters we can relate to, isn't it interesting how fans of a brash, headstrong, do-what-I-want-and-fuck-the-consequences character who gets everything she wants in canon act in a pushy or even rude way to fans of a reserved, self-reproaching, I-will-do-what-is-best-for-others-first character who has so much taken away from her, and the latter fans always defer to the former and feel guilty when they talk about liking their character even as they do so much to be nice to them? It's pretty interesting I think, it's like when dogs look like their owners or something haha.

To end this off, since even though I have more to say (which if you would like to hear please let me know!) I've talked for far too long now haha, I really want to post the rest of the DM that the artist I talked to (who to this day hasn't made another Shulkelia/Shulkelia-esque fanart again, and interestingly never gets hate on their Shalvis art which is again a non-canon "story-denying" ship, too. Maybe they just blocked the rude people and if so good for them, but it's interesting still that they haven't draw Shulkelia since):

"I think it's useless to argue about who is better, Fiora or Melia, and I don't want them to get me involved in that fight. However, I received words of encouragement from many kind followers like you. I now understand important things; 'Don't worry about mean people' and 'Draw what I like.' Fan art should be free, shouldn't it? If I draw ShuMeri, some mean people might appear again. But there are many more kind people like you. When I think of that, I'm not afraid anymore. I will try to draw ShuMeri one day. Maybe I'll get depressed again because of mean people, but then you can tell me, 'You draw fanart freely, right!'... Please tell me that. You made me feel better and made me cry with happiness. Thank you so much. :)"

-Mirim, who can be found here currently, and their old account where the drama happened is here. This is the piece of artwork they got so much hate for. Shulk and Melia aren't even touching in it and Mirim didn't even mention their ship name.

bird primary (in the process of creating a system) + burned snake secondary

Well. I read the fifth draft of all of this. You're a Bird primary, you are, I know you don't like them, but that's because you've got a definition of Bird primary in your head that's just... wrong. I know you're not reading my analysis, but you probably are going to have to read *an* analysis at some point, so pick someone whose style you like, and have fun.

As for secondary, yeah, you're burnt. That's actually the theme of this whole submission. It's in parts, misspelled, very hard to read, and has a whole lead in about why you're not trying and why you don't even care about this anyways. And I think that's actually the point. I expect in your head, there's a bit of 'If I don't try, I can't fail.' Which is too bad really, because you're clearly smart and creative. There's good in here. If it were a little more accessible, people would read it. But you ask me to write a clear paragraph summarizing my thoughts, and that's what I'm doing.

(Oh, and all your fantasies are very Snake secondary fantasies. So I figure that's probably what's underneath everything else.)

~ Wisteria

***

Sort me submission. full Version of final Draft. EMAIL me your thoughts please.

Final Draft-Read this whole thing, as it's the last one.Warning: I jump from thought to thought v. quickly, so every sentence may be a different thing.

some stuff, pls sort me if you can but know it will be taken as a guideline. also, pls add me to ur masterlist post smwhere as an ANONYMOUS person.

also sorry but i cant be bothered with grammar or spelling or punctuation or writing full out rn so pretedn this is a text message and it should be easier to decoed, especially with abreviations and punctuation and such stuff. i am really really really really really really sorry in advance for... well i dont really know why. plus one more thing or two actually before getting to it. i dont rlly know how tmblr works, like how do we communicate, can u answer, can i see posts, etc. just a word of warning, this will. no IS a series of ramblibgs and my own thoughts and dissections of my primary and secondaries. i did read your version of sortinghouse chats but i couldnt be bothered to adjusted any of my results accordingly (sorry abt that and no offence meant, i read your article and it was pretty good; i especially liked the way you analysed the different and most common forms each primary and secondayr can take.) Anyway, getting back to it. Just one last note/thing; this is the last thing/note, i promise you: I really dislike labels (im reluctanct to say/write hate bc no one should hate anything without a lot of whys and analysing how it feels, the possible reason for the felt hate and whether there's any other way) bc i feel/think/kbow/believe that they limit who i am and any potential growth. ive categorised primaries and secondaries as which i believe are my actual ones and why and the other three houses in models 1, 2 & 3, bc i connect with all of them in some way.

Finally, let's get to it!

I was really EXTREMELY stuck on primary, until (having read 1st Tiffany Aching Discworld book recentely) and finding my most personally relatable quote from that book online smwhere in pinterest with the Slytherin label and in the sortingchat (i mimssed a word, didn't i?) smwhere i feel inclined to believe that, being the selfish leadership-aspiring and valuing cunning in my top 5 values person i am, slytherin is my primary. however, let me break this dow further. if slytherin is my primary, then i include the whole WORLD in my loyalty bc i have a such deep loyalty and duty to the Earth and everyone in it because they are MINE and i used to be rlly jealous of anyone and anything that would take away MY world but i reason myself out of it now bc thats possessive and mean and cruel and bad but on the other hand this world and planet is MINE to protect and be selfish abt, but i also (sorry abt all the rambling) think ive kicked myself out of my circle of care bc even tho the world and this planet and this environment and these species and humanity and ppl are MINE AND MY OWN TO PROTECCT AND CHERISH aAND BE COMPLETELY SELFISH ABT (but selfishneesss is bad. no ti's not. yes it is. NO. IT'S NOT. It depends ow it's used and potrayed and the entire world is mine, my planet and my selfish spaec. well except myself bc all i ever do are bad things for other ppl), i am a horrible, terrible self-centered person that also smhow have a higher, more close-knit circle that im not in bc selfishness=bad and possesseviness= evil bc ur not allowing the others freedom and choices but i want to protect MINE and be selfish abt it but it's incredibly guilty too and.. im rumbling. too much said abt this, moving on. oh wait; but i could also want so much to be this primary that im ignoring my biases of wanting to have this primary bc it i relate to tiffany's quote so much and it soundsand is kinda cool (uhh, this is rlly hard to make sense of, even for me. sorry abt that. probably not even suited for the trash can, nvm a sophisticated and heartfelt profile like yours. ) ANYWAY i also feel like a gryffindor and hufflepuff primary smtimes, but that stuff comes a bit ater. i would say hufflepuff is my primary model 1 bc fairness is one of top five values and the idea everyone has inherent value because theyre ppl is pretty true. i find that i put myself down if i base my opinions of oteh ppl on how others think of them but have no problem putting them down myself after meeting and de-humanising them. absolutely hypocrtical of me.

according to me, (but i have an insiders perspective which isnt always the most claer. and ooh random thought: well done and thanks and i really like and really appreciate how you say smth nice abt everyone, no matter orting, on ur blog), gryffindor is my primary model 2 because authenitcity and integrity are good but hard to do but i dont think or know if id drop them, just like i dont know if id drop a slytherin's values (which i rlly cannot be bothered listing agin after doing so above. and wow, thank you for letting me rant to you, random person on the internet, in so many ways and on so many topics. anyway, continuing. ) its like yeah gryffindor values are good and maybe i used to feel them rlly well but i dnot think they go 100% with who i am but deinifnetely above 81.6% (not a random number, took time to come to this deliberaion of a decimal/percentage. wow so long and not even finished primaries yet. hmm, rnadom thought: i wonder what id feel and think and how id react if i was reading my own post thing on the internet without me having written it...)

anyawas, i think im done with gryffindor and cant find anything morw to say on it. for ravenclaw its just. no. not at all.

why would you find an external morality, based on sm stupid shit (sorry for the swearing, it just came out but i can change it if u wish) smone else came up with that u havent approved or u dont feel is right and that isnt ur own ORIGINAL "THIS/THESE ARE MINE" idea. like honestly (sorry for non-understanding. ha, one of my values is understanding yet i dont even try to do it with others. ) how can you bear to do that and live with urself? im rlly curious but also extrelemy confused!!??!?!?

okay, now seconds. slytherin doesnt feel rght either but it's the one that feels the most rigth and its weird but i dont why it feels the most right when whoever is reading this is probably thininh lioin but i think i cant do anything right (let's establish early on, my opinion= cheating is bad, v bad; for example like on exams and stuff. but rule-breaking is smtimes necessary and lying is good to stop others seeing u as who u truly are or upending their perspective of you as a perfect figure but it can be bad if it stops u from facing ur issues or managing them and can also be fun- like the time i convinced smone i didnt know brands existed in cars and thought they existed only for other thisgs like clothes and shops and toys and etc and in cars they were names and it was so much fun fooling that person and i still feel slightly proud of it but HOPE TO EVERYTHING desperately THAT THEY WONT READ THIS because that would ruin it and they wudlnt trust whtever i told them after that.) Anyways, im the least observant person on the planet anyways and dont think i could improvise at all in a topic i know onthing abt so maybe rapid-fire bird but im also kindof shy and embarrased of who i am so that factor into it and i have no idea why im telling a random stranger all this stuff but anyways.

secondary model 1- ravenclaw bc i want to imrpoviesse so badly its such a vuluable skill and generally fun and good way to problem-slove but im completely terrible at it and rlly clumsy and not brave enough to actively decide that i should be my authentic self through imrpovisation or competent enough to get the joy of it and then settle into a neutral state that encourages other to assume im anything other than a snake. how did this part end up being abt a snake secondayr rather than a bird? dont know, could know if i bothered to think abt it but dont actually care enough to cotemplate the possibilitiesof reasons why. if im delving into snake, i assuem i dnnt have anything else to say abt ravenclawand its tmie to move into the next model. oh wait one last thing: i want to improvise but am horrible at it so my first plan is to find as many references as possible to the thing i want to do then mesh them together in my own version to create a plan and then improvise and change the plan and its rules based on the outcome or/and situation. and collecting and becoming slightly proficient in different hobbies and info and subjects is kind of fun but also stressful but i nice place to relax and unwind and just search up random stuff im interested in and curious abt but it's more like a coping mechnaism used quite often now.

secondary moel 2- gryffidor bc i find that most times when i dont have enough data, i tend to bluster through it and stick with my cause without backing down but unable to back it up. however ive mostly noticed this either shows as ragged persitence and gulit and sense of failure when i get smth wrong or continuing ot argue for smth, when i dont rlly believe in it or would rather get more data or would prfeer to manipulate us out of this situation but ofc mnanipulation is evil but i...i...i... i likre it and it's the best way and by extension reading each others body language and position others is evil bc it doesnt give the freedom bc im manipulating them into thiking that way but on the other hand i could be a bird bc of specific language uses such as "data" and "fist plan" above, even tho those are only two factors of it. its like i wanna be special, a chosen one but at the same time i konow am not and can never be bc im not good enough or observant enough or socially daptive enough or myself enough or soccially aware enough especially of specific sociopolitical undercurrents that influence most things (not everyone and everytihng because v.few thigs influence absolutelu EVRYTHING) or empatheic enough or clever enough or cunning enough (whats the difference bweteen clever and cunning wanyways, except for cunning having a more negative connotations/misconception?) or too blunt which i know i have to be bc... ... well i dont rlly know, or too tlkative which stops others from voiving theri opininons (and hionesty, good luck with this and sorry for dumping this mess of a text/explanation and my mess as person on you) just generally a person atl all or eeven just human, quite often feling alien.

secondary model 3- i fell like hard work is important and maybe i used to do it but ow its a no can do thing for me nucless it really REALLY important, bc theres other more important values and it would and could be good but am a terible person anyways and ... i guess i show up at things but life is more than just showing up. theres got to be a method to ur madness (and wow, ddi i rlly just say, no, write that?) life is more about taking charge behind the scenes then exploiting it for the good and making everyone see you're their best option for leadership (if it's actually true, bc smtimes it's not and there are others better suited) bc of cunning and bravery and creaitivity and compassion and empathy and logicality in one neat package, when im not being a selfish person who foolishy and mistakenly believes they can take care of all that is MINEEEE! and ive probably maade this very confusinf gor you but dont u worry its evry confusing for myself as well, actually.

tahnk you for reading this and enjoy your ilife and sorry for the absolute mess that is this piece of writing.

ohh, and please list clealry the resullts at the very end of the discussion to reiterate them, if possible bs ive noticed that u dont frequently do that on the masterlist published articles and its annoying bc i find myself having to scroll up and untagle your complicated wordings of stuff which is quite tedious and erllay annoyong smtimes. thanks for crreating this website, and i hope you have whatever dreams you want to have in your sleep tonight and that you follow your real-life ones as well.

update: from reading ur analyses of buffy world i relate to following passage sooooooooooooooooooooo much. :

"Her threat to Ben/Glory is “If she ever comes near me and mine again (but without the me, bc im not worth it but my people are my and my responsibilty alone and i will protect them and be selfish abt them and absolutelu worth it, but i dont know what to do abt it bc the world is so bug and its quite selfish to waste so much time and energy into improving it, and quite hard but. it. is MINE.) and i guess ive kinda kicked myself out??!?!)….” It’s a Loyalist primary talking. Sure Buffy talks about the Slayer destiny like it’s her Gryffindor Cause, but really she’s out there to protect her people. And when those people betray her, it’s like the ground under her feet disappears. Buffy at her lowest is the scarred-up loner from Cordelia’s “Wish” vision: a Petrified Slytherin who doesn’t “play well with others,” waiting for something to kill her. An isolated Buffy is an unhealthy Buffy, so her arc is about the way her inner circle expands. When we first meet her, priorities are self-care (good hair, pretty shoes, cute boys, a place on the cheerleading squad) and maybe her mom. Buffy starts to include the Scoobies, then the Scoobies’ people, then Dawn, until eventually she’s a general leading the Potentials. She’s on her way to deciding that the world is her people, an it’s all her responsibility. "

except im not my responsibility because.. well im a bad person who shoudnt have responsibility to or for myself, rlly.

but the people i used to be... well, most of the wre and still are better versions of me and my future will evolve me as a person until i am the person i could be. - just weird thought that i noted down bc i dont get hoew others think that when you change you remain the same person. you dont. also, its weird but, more generally, the world is in my nner circle but i have levels of relatoponships!!???!?!?? as in not worth knowing, acquitancee, interesting person/want to know/ could know/ could become best friends with because of good mix of similarities and diferences an those in my elevated inner circle that id actually trust and those in my full and complete inner circle that are all my responsibility, that i should try pushing them to improve and beetter myself and that i should protect bc they're mine. not me and mine, just mine, possesively and agressively. p.s. i should probably mention, i think both my primary and secondary are burned, whatver they are bc no primary feels completely natural or smth i should be doing (but slytherin is the closest to feeling right) and i dont think im competent in anything rlly or good at anhthing much, outside of my opinions bc the questions is now to you= how would you sort me? for more information, email me. thanks and & bye. Update: plus one more, hopefully, last thing. i feewhi dont rly know how to write this but is it possible to have the world as in my inener circle but not have all the ppl in it? like have he world itself and select ppl, bc that is what i do much more than having all the world's ppl as well as the world. the part i rlly relate to iabt tiffaniy's quote is the tuurn selfishness into a weapon thing because even tho its bad its a good and essential part of who i am that i dont want to change even tho i can and could if i wanted because selfishness as a weapon as tiffanny uses it is inerehtely extremely powerful and feels right. like inistead of blaming myself for selfishness, keep it and adjust it to who i am so it feels like it should feel. and also maybe hufflepuff mprimary model 1 bc i realise that , yse while i do relate to its fairness, i think the best way, not necessearaley the right way but the best and most practical and applicapale the way ppl will actually listen to and respond is hte hufflepuff primary and i relate to its fairness and inherant value that each person has but its like i know it's ot me but i feel pressured to make that me in a way??!?1!! if that makes sense. thanks a lot and hopefully last update. oh and if ppl not in inner circle leave i dont care (and usually when picking new friends, it means i have observed them for a while and found that i relate to most of what they do and eventually approach them and after a couple of conversations think this mine from now on no one will harm them (or if they do, i find myself thikning of how to get revenge without being caught and if theyre an important enough perosn, evetually accomplishing it. ) and if ppl in inner circle try to annoy me i mostly ignore them if im healthy and in a good place and if they attack mine or am feeling particularly bad that day, then i will call them out on it like its my cause but fairness is mine not a specific cause. bye, thanks, sorry for the many updates and enjoy ur day!!!! P.S- if i was u, I'd wait at least a day before analysing bc i may send more updates as they come into my mind and/or i experience circumstances. also, one time i was remembering the time my dance teacher taught us some history abt the dance, where the all the men soldiers were killed by the enemies and the women self-sacrificed themselves and their children so they would never be forced to go in the enemy's army but even tho i can understand that last part, i cant relate to it bc in their positino i would pretend to be loyal to the enemy and get high enough to be able to kill the metaphorical head of operations and eventually lead a resistance behind the scenes wit all the information i would have gained as a "loyal" prisoner, but that would probably not succeed bc im not a competent

enough actor or that comfortable abt putting on a mask or good enough at sensing undercurrents in social interactions so i would get captured and put to death for treason in that nacient environment and i woudnt have been able to gain revenge for mine who had all self-sacrificed or help whatever left of my people; but when my acquitance asked abt it i said it was a school history project bc i didnt want them to know that i did dancing or was at all much physically active both bc that doesnt suit my cultivated image of an academic-bookworm nd my friend isnt that physically active and bc i like my projected image is good bc it causes others to undersitame me. and idont rlly factor rules into my plans ( hmm, maybe ravenclaw smth?) or in my adjusted on the spot ones or in anth rlly, i break rules when neccessry for smth or think its unimportant compared to why i break it but i dontgo out of my way to do it. anyway thanks again and bye and so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry a gazzilion times over for breaking my promise before and not remembering to copy final version into this and rlly especially sorry or this confusing mess of a ruminating rumble turmoil, clutter, uddle an barely coherent mishmash of thoughts. Update-here was a period of three years when i trusted absoluely no one bc i thought i shouldnt trust anyone since theyre all using me and no one rlly cares anyone and i dont have anything to offee them anyway nor can i let anyone see me or be truly close to me otherwise I'll hurt them or they'll betray me or both. Then i grew curious abt what my sibling was doing woth the neighbour kids and went to see and now after five years i semi-trust them but i dontvknow how or why they care abt me or being my friends since all i can do is hurt them. And we dont interact at school so im rlly lonely there most of the time bc even tho subjects r interesting and the reading and writing and hoework/studying and irganising and other stuff i do at break is absorbing and necessary it would be awesome tk have a companion, someone i could truly open up to eventually, who sees who i am and acceprs it without pity or endorsement. and even tho ive been lycky in the neighbor friends i feel so lonely and removed and isolated and alien everywhere also and im pushing everyone away more intently than that zero-trust-period and i dont know why or how to change that but im so tired of veing lonely so i approached an acquaintance thats on "possible bff", "could make great friend" and "to become froends with somewhen because theyre interesting and have 3+ similarities ans some differences from me " lists and i thought for a whike what the best approach would be but its eight years abd i miss having friends at school and im so tired of being alone and the constant itch of loneliness that i opted for the vlunt apprtoach to see how they react and simply sat down next to them and asked if they wanted to be friends. (last time i used this tool/technique 7yrs ago, everyone on the grp stroll laughed at me when i asked and kept on looking at me with those 'oh that was so cute' glances and pitying looks so i havent been proactive in friendship-making since then.) And it is going well a couple of days later; our conversations are fun and engaging and thought provoking and meaningful and i feel close to that person, like ive weve been conversing for months instead of days even tho i smtimes think the person might hace been better of without me bc i dont know if im at all loyal rlly and truly or if i actually even contribute to the relationship at all but life was generally so much harder and more tiring and flavourless without smone i could hang out with but am u even rlly building thisrelationship for them or just me and my pathetic loneliness? Lifes so much easier and fuller and brighter with close friendships- someone there for u, hoping they stay bc they care and telling them when ur in a bad place or the days not goingvwell and u hope desperately they react... appropriately. Its just so hard to trust when u know they

could be playing or manipulating u without u even knowing and especially when, in my opinion, theres not that much of a reason to maintain a friendahip with me bc i dont thinkni count as a reason, i start to wonder and search for their true motive. Plus if im responsible for that possible friend, i might fail in that responsibility or hurr them or forget smth meaningful to them or something else worse that i cant come up with rn. today, me and that person (friend?) couldn't meet at school's break and i felt so lonely and lost. i did find them afterwards and they explained they were finishing a project but still, such a close attachment from me in that short a time period feels weird and unnatural but the attachment itself feels and is calm, joyful, interesting, happy, engaging, serene, peaceful. still kinda awkward but we're getting there.

Update- A couple of new conclusions/possibilities I could also be a burned gryffindor primary with an extremely strong slytherin model or gryffindor primary with slytheirn ideals because i find myself writing and saying "i feel this" and "I feel that way abt this" and i check to see if things feel/sound right. i could also burned ravenclaw with a strong slytherin model. burned bc of what i think abt that house but i doubt it bc it doesnt feel right or me at all. lastly i could also be burned hufflepuff bc i dehumanise whole grps of ppl but i dont like doing that and dont want to do it, so im slwly stopping bc ppl should be judged on who they are not who others perceive them as and prefer/am comfortable with a small amount of friends and a limited inner circle of humans and tho i dont rlly trust the world it is still mine and i have a responsibility towards it. and yes, i would feel slighlty guilty if i abandoned a stranger in need for a friend in need but i owe mine my loyalty and help and advice and anything i can give or do or sacrifice for them; i also know that friend well so im the one that should and will help them and i'll make time for the stranger in need later, once and if mine are compltetly 100% fine and sorted out. and if anyone ever harms my inner circle of humans that i love (platonically or/and familially), respect, admire, value, trust (tho i dont nkow when that creeped up on me, bc i shouldnt trust others; its an easy way to get hurt or betrayed) and feel responsible for, what i call my "demonic anger" comes out. i named it demonic bc it feels so fiery and dark and pitiless and blazing and mercenary and ruthless and scorching and merciless and fierce that even those who its used for their defense/protection back away and cant bear it to stay friends with me, mocking/deriding/ridiculing me in front or/and behind my back and im afraid of that scorn and jeering but also afraid of trusting and my anger but these past few days of approaching that person at school and actively deciding to choose to trust smone again... they've been heaven on earth. Final. Couple of last thoughts before stop sending updates and wait for you to email me back.

28.3.2022 today, me and that new friend asked each other the question that if your closest person was a murderer that killed 50 ppl and was now badly injured, would you leave them to bleed out? no, i said, i would try to stop the bleeding because yes justice and fairness have their neccesery situations and are all well and good but what about the preson themselves andd how well you know them and ur responsibilty and the way they depend on you for smth/smths and the selfish way that u need them too? and then take them to a hospital anonymously and stay with them and try to reform them and understand why they became a murderer and if it can be helped aand even if they keep murdering others, they must eventually realize it's wrong, correct? and i will encourage thm to stop murdering others and i might call the police but if they are treated badly, iw ill btrak them out. and i think im slowly unburning my slytherin primary bc im gradually trusting my human inner circle of 5 and those who are gradually building up to that inner circle with more quantity and more true info and more accurate info abt me but im still not completely there and generally trust must be earned from the ground up, so i dont trust others the general population. but it can also decrease from zero to negative (dehumanisation or cotmept or dislike). but i know that i dont deserve to be in my inner circle because i often hurt ppl and am not good enough for them anyyways. i want to be a gryffindor bcuz a moral compass is right and morally correct and it's what the other gender is constantly told to be so i break stereotypes if im a gryfindor primary but hufflepuff is good ecause networking is a compulsory tool for my ambitions and if iwant any of my projects to succeed and its fairness is good but unrealisitic and impractical because ti cant and shouldnt be applied equally but to those who you do the following: trust, repect, admire, feel comfortable with, can drop any and all disguises and pretenses whiel with thee, and can and do talk to them about everything including difficult topics and it's almost never awkard and you can just relax and have funu adn allow yourself to hope they wont judge or criticise or betray because if u dont take that first step they wont either, so u have to be strong and brutally honest and just take that first step in trusting smone and showing them the staircase to ur human inner circle where i would hide their crimes and try to understand why if they make it even a third of the way up that staicase and into the first level of trust as a metaphorical staircase landing with a door for them to get out of staircase if, on that first examination they'll undertake, they fail. but that landing's door will become glass through which we can peek into each other's life and knock on to answer the door if they need me for smth bc i still have a slight responsibilty to them but htey have almost nil chance of entering staircase again unless they change dramatically and dont fail a more intense but shorter series of 3+ tests bc theyll almost certainly betray/fail me again.

I just read ch 6!!!! And have so many feels.

There were so many emotional talks between everybody! Chris and bex! Bex and will! Will and jay! Chris and jay! Bex and jay! Mouse and jay! Al and voight! Such a rollercoaster. But ultimately very satisfying.

And the intro of brett!! Amazing! But did truck lose someone to take on gabi? Or did truck expand so we can have more characters without killing someone? -looking at you nbc 😒-

I'm a little curious what mouse found out about beau!! Also who was part of the unanimous decision that bex is not to go undercover again? Does her brothers have a bex brothers only group chat where they trade information on bex?

Also, when did Antonio sneak a pic for Gabi? Sneaky sir! Very sneaky!

Ugh, but Emery. 😩 don't get mad at bex! Cal is a criminal and Ty is trash! When did Cal even have time to let Ty know this? He was shot, then cutting a deal with pd, and then in the hospital for treatment? Are these the legendary multi tasking skills of middle management?

Uh...Ramsay is the kingpin here? Assault charges? Getting a little nervous for Bex given his interest last chapter.

But such a touching scene between chris and bex? Kitkat chats? Just perfection. But what is this backstory about scouts? I think you write chris so well. Really bringing out those fatherly advice that's so essential to his character in canon. Also, such a cute touch with the time out to intelligence later on!

And bex finally got hugs and cuddles! Unexpectedly, from adam. Unsatisfyingly, none from mouse.

It seems like bex and will go running every day...and will wins ever day...so will is now twerking every day? Could he place in a dance competition at this point 😂? I would root for him. Also i cannot imagine jay twerking. Can you imagine if burgess and roman or atwater are on patrol and come across this scene? The blackmail. 😂

Thank you for the lovely chapter!

Hello! Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter! To answer your questions (putting it after the cut because this got long!):

1. Uh, I definitely meant to add in a part before now where Chris becomes Lt and they get Engine, but apparently I forgot. Just pretend Truck fits six people, please, and I'll fix it in one of the next parts. (My bad.) 2. Mouse found nothing out about Beau that was of any ill repute and he's a bit salty about it. Anything he did find was small beans. But he and Jay still have fun dissecting his socials because they're just Like That. I was thinking that the unanimous vote was with Jay and the younger Intelligence gang, but Will and Chris would be on side as well. I kind of love the idea of them having a Bex Brothers chat. Hmmm. 3. Antonio took pics during the performance - he was blending in with the crowd! That's his story and he's sticking to it. 4. I know, I know. Emery is right in the thick of it with Ty and it's hard for everyone to watch. They're going to do their best to help get her out of it. And Cal used his powers of persuasion and sweet talked a nurse into lending him her phone on the sly so he could text Ty (telling Ty not to answer and deleting the sent text from her phone after.) 5. I wouldn't call Ramsay the kingpin so much as keeper of all the secrets with a rage problem. He is actually going to jail for a good long while so HE'S not going to be a threat to anyone. 6. I love writing Chris and I love, love, love writing Chris and Bex. Their relationship is one of my favourite parts of this series. I feel like he's kind of fallen to the side for the last few parts because the Halstead boys had so much going on, but I'm bringing him back in more. (The Scouts record is sealed. Sorry, lol) 7. Yes, lots of hugs and cuddles for Bex this chapter! Sorry none were from Mouse, lol - they didn't even get a scene together this chapter. Oh, that was mean of me. Don't worry - I will be making up for it! 8. Bex and Will don't go running EVERY day, but they go enough. And Will doesn't win every time, but he wins enough that he has buns of steel. Jay didn't twerk much (I mean...he gave it a shot), but he was more busting out the old school moves like the shopping cart and the lawn mower. They do this often enough, they're definitely going to get caught by more people, lol! Thanks again for reading and for the comments! :D :D

Along the same lines as the last post, it isn't just a fandom problem that people have broadly forgotten what genre conventions are and why they exist - I see it in a lot of professionally published media too.

Consider the fandom phenomena surrounding BBC Sherl*ck - and more importantly for the purpose of this essay, how the creators responded to it.

While some of the fandom response was...excessive and a bit ignorant of how TV production works, to say the least, the fandom had a way better grip on how the mystery genre is supposed to work than the creators did. People assumed it was tightly-scripted, and that every detail had the potential to be a clue toward an answer that was definitely already decided and going to be revealed in the end. Which...is a reasonable assumption to make! That's how mysteries are supposed to work! Hell, that's how they were telling their audience that it was going to work!

Instead, the return after the post-Reichenbach-cliffhanger hiatus was...to make fun of the fandom for treating this mystery series like a mystery series - "ha ha, look at the Andersons, caring about the mystery we told them to care about," The Episode. Instead, the finale was a series of unprecedented and nonsensical ass-pulls because a lot of big media creators have been convinced for the past ~10 years that if the audience can pick up on your foreshadowing then you're Doing Something Wrong.

And this isn't a post about Sherl*ck - that's just the singular example of this phenomenon that I expect tumblr to be most familiar with, whether firsthand or secondhand. It happens a lot, as more and more creators try to ~be subversive~ and ~defy conventions~--

Well, there it is. Not all conventions need to be defied, and if you're going to try, it's important to know why it's a convention in the first place. Otherwise, you're just going to come off as mocking people for liking the genre you're writing in - if that's not just straight up what you're doing. Which, why are you doing that? It's an asshole move. People are allowed to like genres that you don't. Your dislike of a genre doesn't mean that the genre is Bad and needs to be Fixed by you personally, Mr. White Hollywood Trust Fund Baby Who Thinks He's God's Gift To Media--

....(ahem)

"Genre convention" is not synonymous with "cliche".

The best pieces that subvert and defy conventions are ones that are written with an intimate understanding of what the genre entails and why those conventions exist in the first place. The best conventions to subvert are the ones that border on cliches. This is why Doki Doki Literature Club is so widely loved - it doesn't mock you for loving visual novels; it blends VN conventions with horror, and tells you to examine the fact that VN conventions exist and ask yourself what you think of them, but it doesn't say You Are Bad And Stupid For Liking Exaggerated Character Archetypes In FANTASY - it just asks you to confront the fact that, yeah, those are some pretty exaggerated archetypes once you're not immersed.

It's pretty easy to tell that it was written by someone who genuinely enjoys VNs but gets taken out of the immersion when a character type crosses the line from "archetype" to "cliche", even before hearing his statements to that effect.

Contrast with the aforementioned Sherl*ck, where the creators have mocked fans both in interviews and in the show itself for treating their mystery show like a mystery show.

It's one of the most frustrating things to me about media in the modern day, especially as meta fiction becomes more popular - it's painfully obvious that a lot of the people making it have no idea why the conventions they're mocking exist, just that They Don't Like It So It Must Be Bad.

Please, by all means, dissect the genres that you know and love, play with their conventions, open them up and make something wildly different with their gears and mechanisms - but maybe leave the ones you're not fond of to the people who actually understand them.

holds mic out... actually there's nothing i would love more than hearing you talk about fandom's views of how trans men are allowed to exist in both fandom and transformative works :)

bestie............... thank you

honestly, doesn't it always come back to a/b/o and mpreg? and i felt this way before i was consciously trans and it's only gotten more pronounced as i've pushed forward into the non-fanworks world of fiction writing. there's a distinct lack of trans characters in both, but there is an especially noticeable lack of visibility and representation for ftm/transmasculine characters. i've speculated a lot about why this is (best i can come up with is the societal fear of a surprise phallus is greater than the surprise of a lack thereof, but this is a really hard thing to articulate and incredibly nuanced, and it'll take me way off topic), but people in general are just incredibly adverse to writing trans male characters, in particular trans male adults. adults who hold positions of power and adults who have sex and adults who fuck up.

and trust me: i have tried to read a/b/o. i have tried to understand the appeal. but i'm just like, goddamn, why are so many girlies choosing wet ass when you could just write a trans character and fucking have your cake and eat it too! trans men have dicks, natural and surgically! if you're that obsessed with needing two cocks, you can still have that with a trans character, and you don't need this gross, cissexist trope that requires ass pregnancies.

and that segues nicely into how fandom writes characters when they are actually written as trans which is... still woof. because it's never just normal. 80% of it is pregnancy whump, "woe to me, for i, a transsexual, am pregnant, and this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me". obviously there's nuance to this (hell, when i was a teen i wrote a polyam series where my trans character got pregnant. i also wrote a lot more porn than angst, though, it wasn't just endless angst), but when that's all there is?? and when it's not pregnancy angst, it's g or t-rated, which, fine, whatever, but why can't we have casual pwps? why is it so hard to get casual explicit stuff with a ftm character? fandom is full of all kinds of weird porn, but i have actually gotten yelled at by Fandom Girls for asking why people write a/b/o over making a character ftm lol.

obligatory "if people aren't comfortable writing trans characters, i would obviously rather ignore their weird cis porn than have to suffer through shitty trans fetishization". but also. people should learn how to write trans characters, in fandom and in general. a character can (and, imo, should) be trans without that being the whole plot. the problem is trans people still exist primarily as inspiration/tragedy porn in the cisgender eyeballs, and so we don't get to just... be a character. we don't get to have casual sex or get put into cutesy little au's or any of that.

(that's also why i'm happy that my chris/adrian series has been doing well because like..... this is not meant as shade to anyone in the ao3 tag. but right now, besides me, there's, like, 2 other trans adrian fics that i would go back and reread. everything else is a/b/o, and one tagged as "mpreg" that i refuse to touch on principle. but the two good ones are i think both t-rated. we have far more fic for breeding kink, which, fine, whatever. and i really want other people to write trans adrian, because i think combining his obsession with identity makes him FASCINATING to write as trans, and i want people to get fun and freaky with explicit stuff like they do when they write him as cis, but also i trust a maximum of 5 or 6 writers to do that decently. and at this point, i've dissected and analyzed so much fucking trans media that i just emotionally and mentally cannot. spare the time of day for people who are still doing it objectively wrong. lol)

Hi, Dr. Reames! I just read your take on Song of Achilles and it got me thinking. Do you think there might be a general issue with the way women are written in mlm stories in general? Because I don't think it's the first time I've seen something like this happen.

And my next question is, could you delve further into this thing you mention about modern female authors writing women? How could we, beginner female writers, avoid falling into this awful representations of women in our writing?

Thank you for your time!

[It took a while to finish this because I wrote, re-wrote, and re-wrote it. Still not sure I like it, but I need to let it go. It could be 3xs as long.]

I’ll begin with the second half of the question, because it’s simpler. How do we, as women authors, avoid writing women in misogynistic ways?

Let me reframe that as how can we, as female authors, write negative (even quite nasty) female characters without falling into misogynistic tropes? Also, how can we write unsympathetic, but not necessarily “bad” female characters, without it turning misogynistic?

Because people are people, not genders, not all women are good, nor all men bad. Most of us are a mix. If we should avoid assuming powerful women are all bitches, by the same token, some women are bitches (powerful or not).

ALL good characterization comes down to MOTIVE. And careful characterization of minority characters involves fair REPRESENTATION. (Yes, women are a minority even if we’re 51% of the population.)

The question ANY author must ask: why am I making this female character a bitch? How does this characterization serve the larger plot and/or characterization? WHY is she acting this way?

Keep characters complex, even the “bad guys.” Should we choose to make a minority character a “bad guy,” we need to have a counter example—a real counter, not just a token who pops in briefly, then disappears. Yeah, maybe in an ideal world we could just let our characters “be,” but this isn’t an ideal world. Authors do have an audience. I’m a lot less inclined to assume stereotyping when we have various minority characters with different characterizations.

By the same token, however, don’t throw a novel against the wall if the first minority character is negative. Read further to decide if it’s a pattern. I’ve encountered reviews that slammed an author for stereotyping without the reader having finished the book. I’m thinking, “Uh…if you’d read fifty more pages….” Novels have a developmental arc. And if you’ve got a series, that, too, has a developmental arc. One can’t reach a conclusion about an author’s ultimate presentation/themes until having finished the book, or series.*

Returning to the first question, the appearance of misogyny depends not only on the author, but also on when she wrote, even why she’s writing. Authors who are concerned with matters such as theme and message are far more likely to think about such things than those who write for their own entertainment and that of others, which is more typical of Romance.

On average, Romance writers are a professionalized bunch. They have national and regional chapters of the Romance Writers of America (RWA), newsletters and workshops that discuss such matters as building plot tension, character dilemmas, show don’t tell, research tactics, etc. Yet until somewhat recently (early/mid 2010s), and a series of crises across several genres (not just Romance), treatment of minority groups hadn’t been in their cross-hairs. Now it is, with Romance publishers (and publishing houses more generally) picking up “sensitivity readers” in addition to the other editors who look at a book before its publication.

Yet sensitivity readers are hired to be sure lines like “chocolate love monkey” do not show up in a published novel. Yes, that really was used as an endearment for a black man in an M/M Romance, which (deservedly) got not just the author but the publishing house in all sorts of hot water. Yet misogyny, especially more subtle misogyny in the way of tropes, is rarely on the radar.

I should add that I wouldn’t categorize The Song of Achilles as an M/M historical Romance. In fact, I’m not sure what to call novels about myths, as myths don’t exist in actual historical periods. When should we set a novel about the Iliad? The Bronze Age, when Homer said it happened, or the Greek Dark Age, which is the culture Homer actually described? They’re pretty damn different. I’d probably call The Song of Achilles an historical fantasy, especially as mythical creatures are presented as real, like centaurs and god/desses.

Back to M/M Romance: I don’t have specific publishing stats, but it should surprise no one that (like most of the Romance genre), the vast bulk of authors of M/M Romance are women, often straight and/or bi- women. The running joke seems to be, If one hot man is good, two hot men together are better. 😉 Yes, there are also trans, non-binary and lesbian authors of M/M Romance, and of course, bi- and gay men who may write under their own name or a female pseudonym, but my understanding is that straight and bi- cis-women authors outnumber all of them.

Just being a woman, or even a person in a female body, does not protect that author from misogyny. And if she’s writing for fun, she may not be thinking a lot about what her story has to “say” in its subtext and motifs, even if she may be thinking quite hard about other aspects of story construction. This can be true of other genres as well (like historical fantasy).

What I have observed for at least some women authors is the unconscious adoption of popular tropes about women. Just as racism is systemic, so is sexism. We swim in it daily, and if one isn’t consciously considering how it affects us, we can buy into it by repeating negative ideas and acting in prescribed ways because that’s what we learned growing up. If writing in a symbol-heavy genre such as mythic-driven fantasy, it can be easy to let things slip by—even if they didn’t appear in the original myth, such as making Thetis hostile to Patroklos, the classic Bitchy Mother-in-Law archetype.

I see this sort of thing as “accidental” misogyny. Women authors repeat unkind tropes without really thinking them through because it fits their romantic vision. They may resent it and get defensive if the trope is pointed out. “Don’t harsh my squee!” We can dissect why these tropes persist, and to what degree they change across generations—but that would end up as a (probably controversial) book, not a blog entry. 😊

Yet there’s also subconscious defensive misogyny, and even conscious/semi-conscious misogyny.

Much debate/discussion has ensued regarding “Queen Bee Syndrome” in the workplace and whether it’s even a thing. I think it is, but not just for bosses. I also would argue that it’s more prevalent among certain age-groups, social demographics, and professions, which complicates recognizing it.

What is Queen Bee Syndrome? Broadly, when women get ahead at the expense of their female colleagues who they perceive as rivals, particularly in male-dominated fields, hinging on the notion that There Can Be Only One (woman). It arises from systemic sexism.

Yes, someone can be a Queen Bee even with one (or two) women buddies, or while claiming to be a feminist, supporting feminist causes, or writing feminist literature. I’ve met a few. What comes out of our mouths doesn’t necessarily jive with how we behave. And ticking all the boxes isn’t necessary if you’re ticking most of them. That said, being ambitious, or just an unpleasant boss/colleague—if its equal opportunity—does not a Queen Bee make. There must be gender unequal behavior involved.

What does any of that have to do with M/M fiction?

The author sees the women characters in her novel as rivals for the male protagonists. It gets worse if the women characters have some “ownership” of the men: mothers, sisters, former girlfriends/wives/lovers. I know that may sound a bit batty. You’re thinking, Um, aren’t these characters gay or at least bi- and involved with another man, plus—they’re fictional? Doesn’t matter. Call it fantasizing, authorial displacement, or gender-flipped authorial insert. We authors (and I include myself in this) can get rather territorial about our characters. We live in their heads and they live in ours for months on end, or in many cases, years. They’re real to us. Those who aren't authors often don’t quite get that aspect of being an author. So yes, sometimes a woman author acts like a Queen Bee to her women characters. This is hardly all, or even most, but it is one cause of creeping misogyny in M/M Romance.

Let’s turn to a related problem: women who want to be honorary men. While I view this as much more pronounced in prior generations, it’s by no means disappeared. Again, it’s a function of systemic sexism, but further along the misogyny line than Queen Bees. Most Queen Bees I’ve known act/react defensively, and many are (imo) emotionally insecure. It’s largely subconscious. More, they want to be THE woman, not an honorary man.

By contrast, women who want to be honorary men seem to be at least semi-conscious of their misogyny, even if they resist calling it that. These are women who, for the most part, dislike other women, regard most of “womankind” as either a problem or worthless, and think of themselves as having risen above their gender.

And NO, this is not necessarily religious—sometimes its specifically a-religious.

“I want to be an honorary man” women absolutely should NOT be conflated with butch lesbians, gender non-conformists, or frustrated FTMs. That plays right into myths the queer community has combated for decades. There’s a big difference between expressing one’s yang or being a trans man, and a desire to escape one’s womanhood or the company of other women. “Honorary men” women aren’t necessarily queer. I want to underscore that because the concrete example I’m about to give does happen to be queer.

I’ve talked before about Mary Renault’s problematic portrayal of women in her Greek novels (albeit her earlier hospital romances don’t show it as much). Her own recorded comments make it clear that she and her partner Julie Mullard didn’t want to be associated with other lesbians, or with women much at all. She was also born in 1905, living at a time when non-conforming women struggled. If extremely active in anti-apartheid movements in South Africa, Renault and Mullard were far less enthused by the Gay Rights Movement. Renault even criticized it, although she wrote back kindly to her gay fans.

The women in Renault’s Greek novels tend to be either bitches or helpless, reflecting popular male perceptions of women: both in ancient Greece and Renault’s own day. If we might argue she’s just being realistic, that ignores the fact one can write powerful women in historical novels and still keep it attitudinally accurate. June Rachuy Brindel, born in 1919, author of Ariadne and Phaedra, didn’t have the same problem, nor did Martha Rofheart, born in 1917, with My Name is Sappho. Brindel’s Ariadne is much more sympathetic than Renault’s (in The King Must Die).

Renault typically elevates (and identifies with) the “rational” male versus the “irrational” female. This isn’t just presenting how the Greeks viewed women; it reflects who she makes the heroes and villains in her books. Overall, “good” women are the compliant ones, and the compliant women are tertiary characters.

Women in earlier eras who were exceptional had to fight multiple layers of systemic misogyny. Some did feel they had to become honorary men in order to be taken seriously. I’d submit Renault bought into that, and it (unfortunately) shows in her fiction, as much as I admire other aspects of her novels.

So I think those are the three chief reasons we see women negatively portrayed in M/M Romance (or fiction more generally), despite being written by women authors.

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*Yeah, yeah, sometimes it’s such 2D, shallow, stereotypical presentation that I, as a reader, can conclude this author isn’t going to get any better. Also, the publication date might give me a clue. If I’m reading something published 50 years ago, casual misogyny or racism is probably not a surprise. If I don’t feel like dealing with that, I close the book and put it away.

But I do try to give the author a chance. I may skim ahead to see if things change, or at least suggest some sort of character development. This is even more the case with a series. Some series take a loooong view, and characters alter across several novels. Our instant-gratification world has made us impatient. Although by the same token, if one has to deal with racism or sexism constantly in the real world, one may not want to have to watch it unfold in a novel—even if it’s “fixed” later. If that’s you, put the book down and walk away. But I’d just suggest not writing a scathing review of a novel (or series) you haven’t finished. 😉

Hi!! I hope you don't mind, but I really really want to pick your brain a little because I am absolutely IN LOVE with your writing style and they are #goals for me. In one of your replies, you mentioned that you got the "off camera" tip from reading Roger Zelazny and I was wondering if you meant like his books or like if he did an interview or something? Also, I was wondering if you have any stories/books you think of when you think of a great plot/great characterizations?

I don’t mind at all.  But what works for me doesn’t work for everyone else.  So in the 1987 edition of Unicorn Variations, Zelazny has a short essay called “The Parts That Are Only Glimpsed: Three Reflexes.”  (The only reason I mention the year is because his short story collections have been released numerous times and there are different editions with completely different contents. Off the top of my head “The Last Defender of Camelot” is one of them.)  Basically he writes a story or composes one in his head, but then destroys it/never writes it, but it is a part of the character’s back story and he’ll reference it, because the things you don’t see can be more powerful than things you do see.  I read that as a teenager and it stuck with me.  I’m too…hoarder to destroy my writing, even the bad stuff, and sometimes I’ll write that story and it’ll be worth polishing into its own arc, and sometimes it’s like “well, that happened, but I’m not happy with how I wrote it/it’s not that compelling as a stand alone piece.”  

Also, I love Zelazny, but he wrote the same character over and over again.  :P

Plot is my weakest trait.  I’ve been working really hard to make sure the storyline carries itself and doesn’t collapse and that’s another discussion in and of itself.  I really enjoyed Daniel O’Malley’s The Rook and the sequel Stiletto for the sheer “How the hell did we get here? This is fun.”  The characterization are OK, no one’s amazingly deep, but it’s always interesting and that’s what carries the books.  Rhys Ford reads like a goddamn K-drama in the best way.  She mostly writes murder mystery/romances, but I love her urban fantasy (Dim Sum Asylum and Kai Gracen are my favs) and I will admit, I’m not a huge m/m genre fan. I like them, but I don’t go out of my way to seek them out. 

Dissecting spy thrillers, like John LeCarre or clever mysteries (most anything by Agatha Christie) is how I’ve started to get a handle on plot.  

Characterization is a bit different.  I think that is one my stronger points. I really enjoy Jonathan Howard’s Johannes Cabal series, though it’s the clever writing that really carries the series.  I like Ilona Andrews’ books, though her main characters are almost all the same archetype (I still really enjoy them).  Dia Reeves did some great YA characters - a mentally ill black Finnish American girl whose dead father keeps trying to get her to kill herself, has moved to a town of monsters, trying to win the love of her very damaged mother (Bleeding Violet) and the bloodthirsty daughter of a serial killer who is trying very hard not to grow up and is starting to resent her sister for wanting just the opposite(Slice of Cherry is set in the same town as Bleeding Violet.) If you’re looking at sci-fi, I really liked Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan Saga and Penric tales.  The Vorkosigans might be a little dated, since she’s been writing for decades, but the Cordelia stories are some of the most satisfying.  

I’d give a shout out to style too.  Richard Kadrey’s first two Sandman Slim books are great.  He drags when it gets to metaphysics, but his violent thug character has a way with words.  I love Yoon Ha Lee’s voice, it’s very poetic.  

Kids books also have a lot of good characterization.  (I used to run the kids department at the bookstore, so I know way too much about children’s books.)  Counting by Sevens, Wonder, and The Girl Who Drank the Moon all demonstrate that you can write a G/PG rated story and still be hardhitting/real. 

I like writing prompts. And before I started IAL I spent like two months making myself do the ones in The 3AM Epiphany.  I’ve gone chronologically into the 40s and intend to continue.  Not every exercise in the book produces something I’ve liked or can use, however that isn’t always the point.  There was one that had to be told from first person, but only using first person pronouns twice.  I wrote a piece, I’ll never use that exact piece, but it made me think about how I write and I have a few projects going, so most of the time I kept using existing worlds as settings so it both let me expand my world building/plotting and try new writing techniques.  And I didn’t follow them religiously (some of them wanted nonfiction and I didn’t feel like it).  But writing one or two a day, sometimes doing multiple versions of the ones I liked was a fun way to build up the writing habit.  (Not everyone likes prompts, but they often work for me.)  

Hope this was kind of helpful?