does stan have weirdly big hands or am I just tired

hgrhgrhg work on big [redacted] project or play h.sr........

google "how do i politely tell my professor that i respect her beyond belief and dont mean to waste her time with all these late submissions, but also i know mental illness isn't an excuse, but also i havent slept in 20+ hours, but thats not me asking for sympathy i just know that people get mad if you ask for outrageous things without an explanation. so basically can we do that next wednesday submission."

I just remembered one of many moments i realized how seperwte and different and ibcredibly much cooler and funner than my family i am

My brother n mother were talking about a person in the village just under my brothers age who we used to go to the same school as and talked bout how hes changed his style now (and is trans) and yadayada and then what company he keeps. And like they talked about it and i was passively participating in the conversation cuz i know some of those people from instagram n ahit. Then mother mine says smth along the lines of "so not a very good crowd [to hang out with]" s if they have a bad influence on him n shit and my gut reaction was like nah they seem like awesome people love for him to hang out with those people.

Only to realise a second later mother meant "not a good crowd for a polite young girl to hang around eith" while i see it like "heck yes queer people with cool fashion you go dude"

I’d disagree with the anon that Paul was “incapable” of love, but I do agree he was very distanced, and pretty cruel (to women) when he was younger. (It was unfortunate they bought into the love at first sight myth, but he was also a charmer, and dropped affection and got colder after fucking them.)

But I just can’t see romantic interest on Paul’s end. I’m sure he loved John, but a lot of the “sexual/Romantic evidence” really can just be as construed as platonic love. I feel there may be some confirmation bias looking for “clues”. (Not an attack on anyone, but some of the analysises seem to try too hard, really).

He does make references, with the whole “calling him babe during concerts”, and “in bed” but that could just mean he’s not uncomfortable with coming off “gay”. He has a quote about it somewhere I think. He’s supportive of the community at any rate.

This is kind of my own bias, but at times I think he…plays it up a little during the present day? Again, I’m positive he did love John a lot, but with how he is, a charmer, good at manipulating his image, he knows there is a benefit to building up the “magical” Lennon McCartney dynamic. John’s dead, and the old conflicts have faded, so he has no reason not to. I don’t think he’s anti-social, or a psycho or anything, but he certainly does put a lot of thought into his image, especially now, with how he wants to leave his legacy.

I’m less knowledgeable about John, and the speculation about his mental illnesses, but on his end, I can certainly see it. Maybe he’s just blind, but the looks are very much…yeah. He does seem to rely Paul a lot, and hold him in very high regard (REGARDLESS of what those old male biographers might make of him). You just know he was suffering over Paul, poor bastard.

Not sure if anything happened. I think Paul knew though, and either ignored it, or was kind, knowing John wouldn’t act on it. OR he didn’t notice! With the whole “we shared beds A LOT. you would think he’d make a pass at me, darling~”

I guess that’s how I see it. I don’t really have strong feelings on the nature of their relationship, or want them to be “confirmed”, so I try to be as objective as possible! Not a shipper, but not a male biographer. In fact, I was very put off learning the ship was a thing at first! With every fan base “having to” ship the main male leads, that’s what I thought this was. But after three years, reading actual books, primary stuff, I’ve began to change my mind on its legitimacy, and this was my conclusion. But new information can always change!

(Sorry for the long long analysis, god! I just took my adderall and I should go eat! Feel free to block me for spam/harassment.)

Yeah, this is basically my big mclennon dilemma: did Paul love John?

Of course he loved him, but I mean did he harbour any homosexual feelings towards John - and I just go back and fourth on that a lot.

In my last response to an anon I wasn’t necessarily trying to argue that Paul was romantically/sexually attached to John, because all in all, I don’t believe he did - but it probably came off that way because I didn’t particularly like the way the anon had phrased some stuff (like calling him “a master manipulator” and “incapable of love”) and so I just sort of wanted to show that the relationship was more nuanced then just “john was simping for paul”. My overall point with that response was more so that whilst I think Paul struggles in showing real affection and emotions, I don’t think he was incapable of love prior to Linda. I think he did really love John (in whichever form of love you want to take it: romantically, platonically etc.)

And so my point I guess wasnt so much that Paul was always capable of love (because I think he did at least love his family, his close-friends, probably Jane etc.), but maybe more so that he was always capable of intimacy with another person, though he struggled with it.

But yeah, he was quite cruel to a lot of the girls he slept with in the 60s, but I wouldn’t say that suggests he was incapable of love (i know thats not what you’re saying but other people might interpret it through that lens) I would just say he was young, dumb, ridiculously rich and famous and not emotionally mature enough yet to really empathise with most of those girls. Not trying to completely excuse him, but like, i dunno, i always just try to view people from the most human perspective. Everyones an twat sometimes yknow

I also really struggle to see romance on Pauls behalf towards John - the only times I think “wait but maybe he did fancy john back” is when I read some of his lyrics (like in ‘Coming Up’, ‘Yvonne’s The One’, and to some extent ‘Here Today’ - though I think interpreting Here Today as strictly platonic love is still a valid interpretation). I mentioned this in a different post though, that analysing his lyrics just isnt particularly convincing for me, because it feels more like speculation - and also as someone who does write songs, I know that a lot of lyrics just arent as deep as we wish they were. It is really difficult to be truly introspective and honest in a song, without exaggerating or hyperbolising or fictionalising any autobiographical aspects.

I do see your point with Paul possibly playing up the “Lennon/McCartney m a g i c” - im not entirely sure how much I agree, but I do agree to some extent. I think he’s always been very image conscious, and being in what is probably the all-time most famous pop band definitely wouldve heightened that. Even as a teenager I think he’s always just had this natural charm about him, and that tends to stem I guess from a need to be liked; I think you can see it in every interview he’s ever done to be honest. Its not necessarily a bad thing, (because id take a charmer over a rude knobhead any day) but I guess it sort of just shows that Paul is flawed like everybody else. Also, just read @mothernatures-sons tags and I agree with her - Paul just knows when to be a nice person! Nothing wrong with that! It isnt manipulative like the last anon suggested, its just how most people are: polite :) Ive heard a lot of anecdotes from people who have worked with or met Paul and the majority of them say he was a just a nice guy. Not saying he was never an arsehole (cause yeah he was pretty cruel to those girls in the 60s) but I think overall, hes a pretty good guy 👍

On the other hand though, you could also say that superficial journalists are looking for superficial answers - and Paul knows what the people want to hear. But occasionally ill hear an interview that does seem more intimate then most - I havent listened to it in awhile, but the interview he did with Sean I remember felt more honest to me then most. And when he said he’d like to spend the day “in bed” with John, to me that felt like a genuine and fitting response. Because, whilst it has sexual connotations, it also just feels like he’s saying he’d just like to sit around, chat, dont chat, just whatever with John for a day. Like he would just like another moment of intimacy with him.

I think we are pretty much in agreement on most of this though! At first I was also like “nah, mclennon isnt real, teenage girls just love shipping guys!” (I am a teenaged girl and I can confirm this lol) but then it just sort of became apparent to me through reading more and more about their relationship that there probably was something more on Johns behalf. If John wasnt in love with Paul, then it feels as though a lot of things he said and did just dont add up (the big one for me is him marrying Yoko so soon after Paul married Linda - like I really cannot come up with a heterosexual explanation for that!)

But when it comes to Paul, though ill have moments of doubt, I dont think he was in love with John (homosexually) and I do think a lot of the evidence on Pauls behalf seems like a stretch (but like you, im not having a go at anyone, because I understand that it is easy to carried away, plus its fun - but realistically, most of Pauls evidence just is not convincing to me). He’s comfortable with his sexuality, and I really do try to respect that and not force a gay interpretation of quotes or songs from him, unless it is genuinely making me question his sexuality and mclennon.

PS dont worry, I didn’t take this is spam at all!! And also, I would never block someone just for disagreeing with me! I enjoy discussion and I think its good to engage with people who disagree with you! To be honest, id only block someone if they were purposely being a real arsehole <3

bad mental health truly just impacts so much of your life, even small things i thought i’d always get to keep. i’m not somebody who usually makes excuses for why i can’t do something; but lately i have to keep coming up with bullshit because there is no appropriate way to say: “i havent slept or been pain free in months and it has seriously affected me memory and my ability to do even the most basic task without mistakes and/or on time.” the tax office people called me the other day to ask some questions about a document that I requested and when they introduced themselves and with ‘per your request’ my response was straight up ‘per my request???? what?’ like....

Open 24 Hours

Gif credit @macherierps

Requested by @badasseddy​  Hope you like it. Thanks for requesting.

Hope you all enjoy.

Happy Reading Dollies

Tag list: @twistnet @baylishh @ilovetaquitosmmmm

"How are you today"?

"I'm fine Angel, what can I do for you"? You asked the annoying yet handsome biker that kept popping up at your work everyday or every other day just to say hi or buy a pack of smokes.

"Give me three menthols and a pack of regulars and a pack of papers". He said pulling out his wallet.

"Switching it up"? You handed him the boxes of cigarettes.

"Nah, some of my friends told me to pick some up for them".

"Ah, so they gave you an excuse to see me"? Angel blushed and looked away. You chuckled and rung him up.

"Is that against the law"?

"No but it's maybe against my bosses rules. He sees you coming in here often he'll start to think I'm with you".

"That a bad thing"?

"Yeah if it gets me in trouble. My boss is a asshole so if I can avoid trouble the better for me". You sighed leaning on the counter.

"Listen if he gives you anymore trouble just call me, I'll be here". He sent a wink to you and walked out.

The night went on and soon daytime came. You were still working. Thats twenty-four hours you havent slept, your boss called and said the next shift called in sick so you had to work.

Closing for a hour lunch you walked next door to the local butcher shop. You had been craving a big juicy steak and he was the best in town.

"Hello, Mr. Reyes". You smiled as you walked in.

"Hello Y/N, what can I get you today"?

"How about two of the juicys steaks you got. Big ones. I'm treating myself".

"I have the good ones in the back. One moment". He excused himself and you went on to looking. The door bell rang as another person came in. Surprisingly is was Angel.

"Hey, what are you doing here"?

"Picking up steaks. What are you doing here"?

"Seeing my dad".

"Mr. Reyes is your dad"?

"Yeah. I'm Angel Reyes". He laughed as you stood there stunned. Mr. Reyes was a nice and quiet man and Angel was loud and wild. Totally different.

"I didn't know".

"It's okay. Not alot of people do".

"So steaks huh? Celebrating"?

"If you call working twenty-four plus still on the clock celebrating then yeah I am".

"You're still working? Where's your boss? Why can't he come fill in"?

"Oh he's fucking the person that called in sick. She's a kiss ass and she'll do anything to not have to work but still get paid".

"What a dirt bag".

"Yeah, so I'm getting steaks so when I do get to go home I can relax and grill".

"You wanna join"? You asked shyly bitting your lip.

"Sure, yeah. I'd like that". "Do you need me to bring anything"?

"Just bring yourself and that big juicy dick of yours".

"I can do that". He growled but straightened up as he dad came back in.

"Hello son".

"Hi dad".

"Here you are Y/N". He handed you the steaks.

"Thank you". "I'll see you later". You told Angel and walked out. Leaving Angel smiling like a fool and Mr. Reyes shaking his head.

Getting back to work your boss finally showed up after six more hours. You were draining and exhausted but didn't show him. He would have enjoyed the look of defeat on your face.

"Is what I'm hearing true"? He asked prancing around the store with his hands on his hips and a terrible sun bun on his face. The only white part about his face was where the sunglasses go everything else was red.

"What are you hearing besides the fake moans of a whore"?

"Watch it". He pointed his finger at you. "There's talk going around that a Mayan member is frequently coming here. Is that true"?

"Do you know how many people I see coming in and out of here on a daily basis? More than you will ever know. I can't look at their clothes to see if they're Mayan or not. Plus they're a paying customer".

"Ha, so it is true".

"Oh god, you caught him". You acted shocked.

"When he comes by again tell him he's not allowed back in. It's bad for business".

You were getting so fed up with him and his annoying presence that you threw your arms in the air and called it quits.

"I'm going home and you take over. Shut down I don't care. I'm done".

"If you leave now, you're fired".

"Fuck fired I quit and fuck you and fuck this place. I hope it burns down with you inside it". You scoffed slamming the door.

Angel was stopping by to see if you needed a ride home but when he got there, there was a ugly pig sitting in your seat.

"You got to go". The guy snapped his fingers at Angel before he even stepped into the building.

"Fuck you, where's Y/N"?

"She's fired".

"You fired her? What for"?

"For letting a scumbag like you into my business. People like you should be tied in front of a firering squad".

"People like me? Listen here you burnt ass motherfucker. I will skin you alive. I will tie you to that chair and light your ass on fire. Dont test me bitch. And for Y/N your customers are lucky to have someone as nice as her working for a prick like you". Angel got up in his face. The boss man looked as if he was going to shit himself.

"You're going to hire her back, give her every weekend off. Stop messing with her and if I find out that you as so much lay one of your fucking fingers on her I'll will come here and make you regret the day you were born". "You better fucking fear me, cause I will bring hell on you. Don't talk about my club, don't talk about me and don't talk about my girl. If you do, you won't see me coming". "Do you understand"?

"Yes". He stuttered out trembling in his flip flops.

"Good". Angel softly slapped his face, he flinched each time.

"Now get back to work and find someone to fuck your own age. Scratch that stop fucking cause no one wants that".

Angel laughed as he walked to his bike, taking off and driving to your house. He was surprised when he saw how happy you were when he got there. You basically jumped him and thanked him for sticking up for you. He was happy to do it as long as he got to spend time with you. He made sure of that, boss man didn't know what hit him.

****

linking this here bc it was technically a journal? i just don’t want it on my notes anymore and if i ever (likely not to) want to re-read for whatever reason. please note that i knew people would read this so things are censored and are the basic version. also there was a switch at one point from **** to chris because i didn’t want things to be read

(for later when i got time lmao)

Matt is a piece of shit that just wants to fuck -Chloe

well fuck

here goes nothing

the plan: don’t get drunk bc i got shit to do early next morning and ill tell him tomorrow when i do get drunk. spoiler alert that didn’t work

Gaby (coles gf) came too btw

so i had a smirnoff ice and said no more than two shots after so id be buzzed but not fully drunk (i ended up having three and was very much drunk)

me jon and gaby we’re talking about guys and i mentioned something about liking a guy or some shit and gaby looks at matt and then me and confirms it with me. then she tells me that apparently when she met me and a few other friends at the beach last quarter, that she predicted the two of us would end up together and told cole this. im like wtf how and she claims she’s psychic lol

later, Matt and i are on the sack and he looks at me and goes do you like me and im thinking well fuck so i say yes and he’s like well shit sorry but (and then i forgot exactly what he said) something along the lines of it’s not mutual or it’s not the right timing (i forgot okay) and then he gets up after a bit to go to the bathroom (I’m pretty sure cole went out too) and then me gaby and Jon have a chisme session and they think that he does like me but whatever

so the guys come back and at this point i really need to pee again so matt offers to take me and we start talking and he’s all, oh im sorry if i led you on and shit and im like it’s alright ill get over it, it just might be a bit awkward for me for a bit. but then on our way back from the bathroom he asks me , do you wanna at least kiss your crush at least one time and im like uhh yeah so he kisses me and then we start talking but i forgot about what and im kinda dizzy so he says, oh let’s sit on the couches for a bit before we go back, so we do and somehow we kiss again and then start making out

and at this point im like bitch there’s no way you don’t like me like why would you do that if you didn’t

so we finally go back and it’s been some time so the rest of em are obviously curious

matt goes with cole to the bathroom again and the three of us have a chisme session otra vez and they’re like yeah he fucking likes you he’s prob just scared bc of his last relationship

cole comes back in and basically backs up their side based on his convo he just had with matt

and so it’s decided that we’ll both sleep on the sack, Jon sleeps on his bed and the other two together in coles bed

he comes back and we all “go to sleep” but I push for him to hold me like he usually does whenever we sleep together and around like 2,3 am we both start making out again and just like uhhhh

also we’re both very much drunk but of course i tend to remember things whenever ive gotten drunk, however, he did not and so now we gotta talk and figure shit out and go from there

also im not telling Emilou or Hanna yet until we figure things out so

yeah

fuck

alrighty, so after last night, ive decided to do absolutely nothing about it and decided to just let things play out the way things do. i don’t wanna say something and ruin our friendship that we have bc i trust him a lot and like hanging out with him, so, i guess the end of this note for now, unless the situation changes anytime soon

Can Tim see what I write on this?     -Chloe

Yes -Janet

Hi Tim!

-Chloe

Tim pls respond.

-Chloe

Hi Chloe! Sorry I have been busy at home LOL

He responded I’m so happy!

-Chloe

FYI im just going to add things at the top of the note so that its easiwr to see stuff when i add it bc then otherwise youd have to scroll a ton

and I’m dating shit so i know when I wrote stuff and my memory and yeahhh

FEB 15 1 pm

chillin in alp so lets get this chisme

alrighty so last night i stayed the night in pratts but it wasnt just me so calmate, it was me and jon bc long story short i was too lazy/dizzy to get up and jons roommate had her bf over. basically we both shared the bed, not a lot of physical contact but whateva

brb

anyways, there was also one point where he was watching a movie from his childhood and idk what tf it was but he was shocked that i havent seen those movies, so apparently now im gonna watch them so i told him for payback we gotta watch disney movies lmao

oh also! i fucking got back to my room and took a shower to get ready for class, and when hanna gets back from class shes all like oh you slept in HiS rOoM huh and i was like uhhh yeah and told her the truth like i was too lazy and dizzy to get up and then she didnt really say anything but uhhhh yikes

and then i mentioned this to emilou later when we were walking to class and shes like yeah idk why she did that that was weird and i was thinking like thank God she doesnt think the same as hanna bc shes also slept in his room on the bean bag a few times

FEB 14 2pm

heyyy its valentines day and guess whos still single and workinggg

so uhhh last night, around 1, both me and pratt finished our shit (hw and studying) and im wide awake so im like hey, brooklyn 99? (because i got him into the show and i love rewatching the show bc its sooo good) and hes down so we start watching in his room. were both on his bed but were sitting (for the tie being) and eventually i decide to lay down and use one of his pillows but its the flat pillow so i attempt to steal his other one, which he protests and we lowkey wrestle over it and eventually i fail ugh and i fall over in frustration and land my head on his knee and then just quit and stay there, but get this, he just deals with it and lays on top of me, like his head is on my side. granted we both also have pillows so like his pillow is in between me and him and same for me but like ughhh

and eventually i fall asleep for like an episode (?) and wake up right before 3 am, and then decide hey sleep sounds important bc i have an 8 am and so does he, so i sit up but im too lazy to get up right away so i sit and go through twitter and shit so chris just lays down with his head on my leg and i set my arm down on his chest and he falls asleep for a few minutes and then i finish going through my social media and every part of me doesnt wanna move, but im also in a position that would be uncomfortable to fall asleep in so i wake him up and then go back to my room

oh and the other thing i forgot was that for a good couple hours we were texting and joking around and yeahhh

i feel like im reading a lot into what happens but at the same time, like i doubt id be this comfortable doing shit with guys like this and idk about him, but like sometimes i wonder you know?

also, saturday night, as far as i know, its just me and him going to the basketball game bc idk who else is going (eye emoji insert here bc im on my computer lmao) so we'll see what happens

FEB 10 11am

okay soooo last night,

the plan was to get buzzed, just me and matt and watch Brooklyn 9-9 but then Anthony and emilou joined us so never mind. after a bit, Anthony leaves so he can answer a phone call and pratt offers me shot #1 and not emilou (she’s laying on the bean bag, I’m on his roommates bed chillin behind her so she can’t see what’s up)

we take two and im slightly buzzed but i think “hey lets see how much we can take before she notices” and he’s down so uhhh let’s get this

later we have to include Anthony and he’s down to see how much we can take and he just lets us continue, i get to 4 shots and he finishes the bottle so i can’t have a 5th

brb im gonna go eat with him

okay im back now...

anyways were both pretty out of it, emilou still hasnt noticed and anthony finds this all funny i assume and so do i , and eventually she finds out and then the two of them leave i guess around 2 am and the two of us are both on the bean bag and were both tired and drunk and drunk me like petting his hair and apparently holding his hand and well yeah i kinda hate drunk me bc if that wasnt obvious enough lmao :/

continuin, we basically end up cuddled together most of the night until we both kind of sober up hella early in the morning and kind of separate a bit

and so in the morning guess who brought it uppp and i at least have an excuse that i was drunk and not thinking and just kinda doing whatever drunk me wanted to do (but omggg his hair is so fucking nice to play with omg) anyways imma just die real quick bc idk what happens now

also since no one else was in the room literally no one else knows about this and i think were keeping it that way bc lets be honest if anyone found out about that i think id be screwed for secret keeping and then well yeah

FEB 8 1AM

i remembered:

sunday 2-3

i forgot this happened but before I ended up in chris’s room i was chillin upstairs watching tv and then he came out on the phone with some one and long story short he said something on the phone to his friend along the lines of “you’re gonna have me in your life for a long time” and when he was saying that i was looking at him bc soy chismosa and i was curious and he winked at me and I died

Monday 2-4

so the other thing that happened was I had lunch/dinner with him before my writing class and no recuerdo que decimos, but uhhhh yeah

i like hanging out with him

also, just got back from his room and am more convinced that he may not like me but actually just sees me as a friend but at the same time maybe he does but IDK

i hate feelings and it’d be so much easier if i didn’t have them sometimes lmaooo

FEB 7 5-7 PM

so im currently in the room rn so im gonna try to make this as chronological as possible

saturday 2-2

alrighty so mind you this is the day ive volunteered with ship and have spent the whole day there, (i dont remember why i thought this was relevant :/)

so saturday night, i go to work in his room around 8 (?) so i can work on my essay and finish my shit bc he has a bean bag thats hella comfy to work on

andd so later on, jocelyn comes in to watch anime with him and then after i finish we all decide to watch gabriel iglesias and ended up squishing together on the bean bag with me in the middle of the two of them

and so were all chillin there, laughing whatever and at one point chris fucking pratt puts his head on my shoulder for a little bit and i dIeDddd

and eventually i fall asleep when we start watching emperors new groove and mind you im fucking next to chris pratt like uhhhh my GOD

so i wake up once the movies over and then go to the bathroom and come back and by then he has taken over the whole bean bag and im sad that i cant just get back and go back to sleep so i go back to my room

(hanna doesnt know what time i get back i think and im pretty sure it was around4 am) (emilous also not here bc she went home for the weekend)

sunday 2-3

so i decide hey i was productive yesterday and decide to return to his room to work on shit and try to get as much done before work in theevening

i finish around 1/2? and then i tell him im bored and i wanna do something before work but idk what so he says lets go to the rec room and its just the two of us and its chillin and he puts me on his story playing pool lmao

and then i go to work :(

but then THEN later after work i go for a run and end up back in his room and theres a couple other people there and so were all chilling (mind you this is around midnight)

and somehow i end up falling asleep on the bean bag next to this girl jon from my hall and (this is a secret in a secret) but i hear her get up at one point and then chris pratt then joins me and during the night im tossing and turning and leaning on him a bit (ughhhh i died a shit ton)

monday 2-4

so in the morning around 720 or so i wake up pay dumb and am like oh whend you get here and he explains and then hes like yeah i dont really know the girl who slept in my bed (one of jons friends) and i figured since im more comfortable with you id just move here (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me upppp) [please note that when i say fuck me up i dont mean that type of fuck]

alrighty thats what i remember that i havent told you, and then the other bit from the screen record was tuesday and now its thursday and here i am in guess whos room again

possibly staying the night lmao

but jons also here so its not like im staying the night staying the night

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

One thing after another...

So today I am 3 days sober. It is about the millionth time I have tried to quit drinking, but this time I have realized I have to quit much more than that. I have to quit using my body to get what I want. I have to quit being coded. I have to quit...as my mom would say...being a hoe. I have to quit making excuses. I have to quit seeking comfort in other people because I'm afraid to be alone. I have to quit dwelling on the past and defining myself by it. I have to quit drinking...of course. And I have to quit saying I am going to quit all this these things and going right back into them because I'm uncomfortable being uncomfortable. Day 1: finally not a drop of booze in my system. I am able to eat. I got out of bed and showered. Felt like I had a decent grasp on the day. I was focused...kind of. I go walk my dog in the alley way...her usual spot. Same couple of homeless people ate back there and they ask me if I drink. Oh fuck...ugh. "I'm trying not to man. Just spent the last few days detoxing." Shaking my head. They wanted to sell me the rest of their booze for a few bucks so they had some cash. I resisted and went inside. I was so proud of myself. In my head I was like, "Passed that test mofo! Phew!" Then a couple hours later I found out a really good man, a friend of mine in my last rehab, had passed away. I was sad, but you hear this news so often that you kind of get a little numb to it. Then, a girlfriend of mine texts me to check on me. I said I was, "eh". She said she was going to call me soon. I was a little confused and got teary eyed. This had been happening all day because now I feel my emotions and someone I liked had passed away. I said text is better because I didn't want to cry again. Then she tells me someone else had passed away. Now, the someone she said had died was my best friend in rehab. I loved him. He was my snack buddy. My music buddy. In all the same groups. Had the same therapist. When he wasn't there I felt lost because he was...to me...the shit. So I said, "No. The other person died." Then I went back into a group message where this kind of news is spread and felt confused. She says, "No Jess, HE died." So, not only is this number 2 in one day, but it was the person I had gotten the closest with in my time with us both in rehab. I lost my shit. I couldn't help it. I almost threw up I was so hysterical. I had never reacted to anyone's death in such a way. I was so fucking confused and hurting so bad. I wanted to drink. It's all I wanted to do. I had enough in change to go get a bottle. I wrestled with the idea for a got minute and decided to eat myself into a coma so I can make it to day 2. I survived the night. Also day 2. I slept mostly, but I did not drink. Got pissed off at a friend and an ex because they both basically said the same dumb shit to me. "You can change for the people you love." I'm sorry...but anyone who knows about addiction knows my frustration with this one. To sum it up...don't give your opinion about my truth because I am the only one who knows it. So today, I havent slept since the day before, I go get an oil change and find out there is all this ahit going on with my car that I can't afford. I'm losing my shit again. Anxiety through the roof. "How am I going to do this?! Mom and dad have helped me out the past 2 months because I'm a wreck. I cant ask them for more." A friend with whom I was texting calmed me down and helped me figure out cheaper solutions and I felt better. Then I was finally able to go to sleep. So now I am trying to figure out to go about the rest of my day...that's where I am at. Thanks for letting me vent.

The Reason

I didn't breakup with you because I don't love you anymore. I broke up with you because we grew toxic for eachother. We crippled eachother, we lost ourselves in our love and drug use, we needed to find ourselves again. We needed to learn how to take care of ourselves. We needed our families back, and i did everything i could to get mine back. That ment losing you in the process and vice virsa. How can someone choose between family and your bestfriend you've loved for almost 4 years? I hear everyday how proud they are for me ending it. I broke my own heart trying to make other people happy. We had our fights, but I could never stay mad at you. When I say toxic, I don't mean that we abused eachother physically.. emotionally though it was on purpose. There was a time we forgot about the whole world, put eachother before everything. You've turned down jobs, disconnected with your family, stole from your family for me. Just to support me. I couldn't let me, stop you from becoming the best you, you could be

I wanted you to feel happy, I needed you to see there was more to life then just me. I went at it the wrong way. I was harsh because it was just to hard letting you go. I haven't let go, and I don't think I will. When I said I'd marry you, I ment it. I still mean it. I tried to get over you, many times. Do you know how much pain and agony ive put myself through trying to grasp the thought that we don't need eachother to be happy? I held it together, though I was dead inside, no one had a clue. 4 months later, when i found out you were in the hospital, i cried and panicked. I paced for hours trying to convince myself that it was all a dream. I want to take it back, you taught me to love. You showed me what love was. You made me feel like i was the only girl on the earth. You showed me there's more to life, that everyone has a chance at happieness. That I create my own happieness. That life was worth living. That we were fighters. Thats when i lost it. Thats when i realized im stuck in a relationship that was basically an excuse and coverup of my emotions. The last couple of weeks, my breathes have been shallow, my heart is mangled and my brain is an active war zone. The day you almost died snapped me into reality. I am stuck and dont know what to do or say. Everyone thinks I'm over you. I really thought i convinced myself that i was in fact over you, but im not, I never was. My life is a lie. All I do is think about is you, I try to imagine your voice saying its going to be okay, we'll get through this together. Writing all this out makes me realize, there's no amount of apologies I could give to you my love. Just a reason, and my feelings. I miss your warmth your hugs gave me, it was a different type of warmth. A sense of comfort. Love isnt just an mental attachment, love is a feeling you can't mistake for others

Love can be the best feeling in the world but it can also rip your soul apart. Love can be a feeling of pure happieness and joy but only with you Tanner, i don't want us to be a disant memory or just a dream. How much time does it take to get over a true love? Is it possible to hate someone who was once your love, your smile, your reason to be, your everything? Someone you spent every waking moment with. Someone who you had created the absolute best and worst times of your life? I hate that in your point of view, i just broke so many promises and lied to you. I never lied to you, i never talked bad about you. I still stick up for you. Why do you refuse to say my name? Why do you act like nothing ever happend? Yell at me, scream at me, talk to me please, show me because im still in love with you. I'll always love you. And if it's ment to be, we'll find eachother again like the books say. I will search for you. I will fight til you're back in my damn life. It may take months, fuck, even years. But you are my soulmate... it's the smallest things that make me miss you. Your laugh, Your sleepy voice, the way you get my attention when you want something.. I miss being comforted by you, you've taken my sadness away before... it's just a matter of when it will happen again. I miss the teenage us, I miss the careless nights with you, I miss our crazy camping adventures. I miss just cuddling you. I miss the trust we had. We were strong, just going through really rough times. You are my home, You are my human and I know I'm yours too. Just let me in... I'd rather be dead or alone than without you forever. I was so desperate to get over you, I didn't know how to do it, I fucked up. I jumped into a relationship, it was sort of fun at first I guess. But, now its gone to far. I cant get out of this relationship without bloodshed and tears. He lives with me and my family now. My parents love him, are like best friends with him. Theyre closer to him then me and him are. Literally. I havent slept in my own bed in weeks. God, i dont even remember the last time i kissed him or even look at his face. I cry alone at night just wishing he was you. Nobody compares to you. I'm drowning and no one knows. I don't feel comfortable at home anymore. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone without having anyone notice? I hate how I can't even say your name without ridicule. It wasn't all dark times. I loved you before I knew how to love myself which is probably why I'm so torn. I didn't know what real love was until I met you. You taught me to be myself, you showed me what good feelings were. I loved you before drugs, before we altered our brains, I fell in love with the real you, and you brought me to life. You stuck up for me, loved me at my worst, you delt with my moods wings and emotional breakdowns. I'm not saying I just love you for the good times but for all of it. Bad and good. We fucked up and did some pretty horrible things to eachother.. but at the end of the night, we were in eachother's arms whispering "I love you, forevers and evers baby" "you promise?" "I promise baby" ...what we had was real, and it's only a matter of time. I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Please look past everything that happened between us and remember how you felt with me, how you talked to me, how you love..(d?) me. Remember us. Remember our loyalty and trust for one another. Let go of the past and tell me you feel the same way like I know you do. Look past incidents and reflect on us just through emotions. Don't feel with your words or memories. How you feel when youre in my arms is all that matters, does your heart race? Do your ears get hot or do you get crazy goosebumps? Is your body like magnets or your insides like putty? Or is there nothing? I need to know.

Okay! Vent part 1: So we met 2 stepping and exchanged numbers. The next day, he texted and asked if we could hang at the dog park, I was with with friends and let him know maybe later. And then that night, we went out for drinks and food. We hit it off talking about anything and everything. We eventually talked a little politics and I mentioned my rape (as I always do) he said that he wanted to kill those guys. And he wouldn't try anything tonight. I said he could if he wanted.

Anonymous said:Part 2: I stayed at his house til like 3am and then the next night, he came over and helped changed the oil in my car and ate dinner and we talked and then sex and a sleepover. And I felt so so safe. I had work monday and the ballet but we texted and snapped on and off. He is slow but that's okay. I sent him back that I like him and I would be down for monogamy. Tuesday, I went to his house and we sorta talked and agreed to take it slow.Anonymous said:Part 3: He told me that his ex wife (30 and recently divorced, like 2 years ago) cheated on him and he could get jealous. And I said, we could talk more later and sex and a sleep over. Weds I was at the ballet again. We texted and snapped and same Thursday then he stopped talking to me for the night. That morning he sent me "awe 😔" and then nothing for hours. Then he told me that he slept with another girl and thought he ruined things between us.Anonymous said:Part 4: He called me Saturday and we talked for a bit then he came over Saturday. I had written down where I was at. And we talked and cuddled and kissed. And it was really hard for him to leave and all this stuff. He texted me later and said it was hard to disconnect from me, that he really liked me, that he was sorry he was being difficult and that he liked me way more than the other girl. And then snapped me a bit on Monday. But I havent texted since Sunday. And no snap since Monday  Part 5: so basically where I'm at is... I haven't felt emotions in 2 years, esp not for a guy. He is the first one to make me feel safe in years. I like him a lot. But actions kinds speak louder than words right? That being said, it's only been 2 weeks. He asked for time and I'm willing to give it... but I'm also tempted to reach out to his twin (cuz I'm crazy af) and want to message him Saturday basically saying one last time where I'm at and if he stays silent, I have my answer

here’s the thing

i am... 100% familiar with the problem of producing emotions on the side of the other person. so, please believe i’m speaking from my own experience.

it sounds to me like he’s making excuses. if he liked you, and only you, why does he have a reason to sleep with this other girl?

why is he trying to sling you along?

why is he trying to make you prove your worth while he messes around?

i get that he’s been hurt, but that’s no excuse to treat you this way. like you’re disposable, like you’ve done something, like he can just use you and use someone else(you may not know this girl, but consider: he was willing to sleep with her when he supposedly liked you better, putting you in a difficult position and possibly hurting her).

idk babe, you deserve better.

i get not having feelings, and i for sure get having feelings and not wanting to give them up because its been so fucking long and for the first time you feel wanted and safe despite any red flags

but think of the circumstances

at minimum he owes you a long conversation about how you guys feel and how you want to proceed and how you want to be treated. if he’s communicative and caring and tries to move forward that’s one thing

but it seems like there’s been more than one red flag

be safe. not just with your body but your heart. don’t let someone be selfish with your heart or your body. i’m encouraging you from my own mistakes.

you should be loved and cherished and cared for.

if someone is selfish with your time, heart, body, life, you need to correct them. if they cannot be, refuse to be, or rage against, you know they don’t care about your well being. move on, (as hard as it is), and heal.

you deserve the world

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

tell me about your crush!!!!!!! - Hes my boyfriend. I love him a lot, he’s funny, he loves gaming. He likes anime ( lmaooo), he is white but hes part turkish and german. but born in canada haha. He’s 7 years older than me (or 6.5) , we went to the same high school except he graduated WAYYYY BEFORE ME. He knows a lot of weird stuff. He loves MMOs and is on the leader boards for ESO which i find hilarious. We met on OKcupid which is a dating app. He says hes serious about me lol.

tell me about your ex-  well my most recent ex, i dated for only 3 months. we dated from Nov 2015- feb 2016. He broke up with me on Valentines day last year, which is funny tbh because he spent lots of money on me and then broke up wtih me. apparently i was too invested which makes no sense. I didn’t really connect well with him. we were more like close friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. He was slightly autisic or whatever so he didn’t really understand sarcasm sometimes which was really fucking annoying. I would make jokes and he took them way too serious or hard and would get mad at me -.-. He wasnt a bad boyfriend but he was just not my type. I said i loved him even though i didn’t. i was in love with the idea. I knew i didn’t want to spend my life with him. we never connected super great either, like we had nothing in common except the fact that we liked video games but he played shit games like (League of Legends). After we broke up, we met a week later to clear shit up i guess and it was super awkward and i was acually over him within a day so i was like this sucks and is weird. Then a month after we broke up he wanted to hang out but then he stated he wanted to have a hook up.. we never had sex when we dated either so that was weird -.-  Then he started dating other people and if i messaged him asking how he was, he would get all pissed off and said we couldnt talk any ore and i was like whatevr thats fine but then his relationships never worked out and he would break up within a week LOL and then tried to date me again. THEN when I started dating Connor ( my current bf) he got really jealous and mad, and tried to tell me to get out. Then later in my relationship like 6 months he asked if we could fuck (three some) and i was like i rather kill myself, then he would randomly text me asking if connor and i broke up, and then would claim he missed me but all he wanted was a booty call. He got super mad when he found out i fucked connor lol. anyways, i told him to fuck off and respect me and connor and he finally stopped being weird. But i recently deleted him off Facebook because I was so tired of seeing him on fb, so yeah. we dont really talk anymore. thank god.

tell me about your day It was okay. I slept til 2 Pm ( yikes..) and picked up Pills and played video games. nothing to do.

tell me about your dreams  I cant remember my dreams actually.

tell me about your drama  I have really no drama in my life.

tell me about yourself :-)  I am 20 years old, I like cats, mcdonalds fries. I am a art student in college. I am dating someone, its our one year today. I live in Canada..i like taking surveys too much

tell me about something awkward/embarrassing  I once had sex and then got my period during it and that was super awkward and embarrassing, and i was so embarrassing that i hid in the bathroom for 20 minutes and he was like “yo its okay jen” and its still awkward when i think about it.

tell me about a funny story or something  Lol, okay. this story is like 4 years old but whatever. so i was in grade 10 at the time and I went to this Youth Conference with my youth group from church. So my best friend was with me and we were at the concerts and stuff, and she had to use the washroom but she didn’t want to go alone so i went with her. So I use the stall next to hers but I come out way before she does. I am washing my hands and she comes up to me and washes her hands super quick turns to me and says we need to get the hell out of here, and before we run out this girl comes out of the stall that i was in and my friend turns to her and says “ Im so sorry i thought you were my friend” and im like what....so we leave quickly and she tells me. so basically This girl was wearing the same shoes as me and same colour pants as me, and my friend thought it was me so she grabbed the girls leg from under the stall and the girl was like “wtf???!” and so she thought that girl was me, and i honestly can’t stop laughing whenever i think of this because its just something that she would do. I never let her forget.

tell me your favourite band/artist/album/song  My fav band is Of Monsters and Men. They are from Iceland, and they sing different songs. They have a unique sound too. I love every song they produce.

tell me about your favourite meme  I can’t just pick one..

tell me about your favourite fic  I dont read fanfiction really.

tell me a secret ;)  um. when i was 18 i almost banged some 34 year old because I was stupid and actually thought he liked me LOL. Thank god i got rid of him. LOL i still laugh at my stupidity 

tell me a lame joke/bad pick-up line are you a astronaut cus your ass is out of this world.

tell me about your favourite tumblr user(s)  I don’t really have a FAV..i love all my mutuals.. 

tell me about your least favourite tumblr user(s)  I only dislike people who are super self righteous..who think they are always right.. who give out false info..especially people who use their followers for money..etc

tell me what you’re thinking about  just life.

confess your sins  I sometimes lie a lot but thats usually just to get out of shit LOL rant about stuff!!!  Not really a rant. But i super duper hate it when people leave you on “read” idk its super annoying. Like if you cant talk just say youll talk to me when youre off work/etc but i hate it when they have no excuse. Im fine if its a few minutes or whatever but when they just dont reply especially if im asking a question it just gets so fucking annoying. If i know youre busy its differen’t. But idk i just wish people would just tell me they wouldnt be texting that much a certain day or at leas jjust reply something quick. it takes 2 seconds..

let’s talk about the sex because sex ed isn’t talked about enough  dont have sex until you know you could handle a child. 

talk to me about astrology stuff!!!  I dont know anything about that stuff.  talk to me about aliens!!!  why havent the aliens taken me..yet..

Bunni’s Rune Factory Sequel Thoughts/Wishes/OCs N Stuff!

Just my misc ideas for stuff I’d love to see in the series, and maybe some ocs hmm hmm~!

* Maybe have a town that’s more upgradeable or changeable as the story progresses? I expected something like that with the princess points in RF4, that you could support the various businesses and see the shops get new fancier sprites and stuff! And maybe have characters who start off just being unemployed npcs and then can start new businesses as the game goes on? Like if dylas could have been the fish salesman instead of it being a nameless npc. And maybe even after big events in the story the town could have stuff get destroyed, to show how dangerous the villains are? And then you could rebuild but it wouldnt be the same as it once was. * More activities for your pets to do! I like that they can help with farming but maybe they could unlock more tasks to automate as the game goes on? or maybe just have more customization for their farming, like you can choose what seeds they automatically plant, or set a rota for them to rest and swap fields. Maybe give them stats so certain ones could specialize in watering/planting/smashing rocks/etc? * Maybe have more random farm events like rune rain and typhoons? possible idea: period bandit raids or attacks by monsters. You set monsters as guards and if they win then they can farm dungeon items from the enemies, giving you a good way to gain them without having to revisit the same place ad nauseum. Or maybe have a random inspector event where you have a chance of winning a best farm award or something? And maybe when characters randomly visit your house they could actually do something instead of just standing there. Maybe they could comment on your crops? like, say yay if you have something they like, or give random tips, or small bonuses like casting a gigantifier effect on a random crop or restoring some health. Or depending on the character and their relationship with you, maybe they could do negative effects? Also i wish one of the endgame bonus awards could be the ability to turn these random events off entirely if you want, instead of just delaying it. * The possibility of maybe having a negative relationship bar as well as a positive one! So characters could maybe become rivals instead of just friends or indifferent, with nothing else. And maybe you could even have some points in both and have a friendly rivalry? * Characters having more potential interactions with each other outside of just you. I think it’d be nice if when you marry someone then the batchelor/ettes you dont pick could have random event chances where they marry each other. And maybe the player could influence who they end up with, depending on how you interact with the two of them? Play matchmaker! Help them find their happy ending even though you rejected them. Consolation for guilt! * Also can we maybe start having friendship options for each character’s main plot? Let me be able to resolve their sad backstory even if I dont date them, the only difference when I date them should be that I date them. Not that arthur never reconciles with his estranged mother unless we just happen to bump uglies :P * Adding LGBTQ marriage options would be hella amazing in every way, jesus christ please can we have this. Or like.. if we cant, then can we have like... less gay?? I dunno, i just feel like I’m sadder about not having gay marriage when the characters are CONSTANTLY teasing that some of them MIGHT have same sex romances yet nobody is allowed to ever do it. Stop rubbing it in. Its somehow more painful than not having any LGBTQ representation at all, just having this sort of ‘its not representation and it never will be but we’re gonna make it look like it just to torment you’. * i dunno, I feel like probably knowing the company we’re more likely to get a gay npc couple or something in the next game and still have to wait ages for an actual romanceable candidate. Theyre not exactly ahead of the times on the subject. BUT WE CAN HOPE!!! * I want Porcoline to cameo in the next game, or us to hear about how the porco restaurant family is doing. I got the most attatched to them! And I hope the De Saint Coquille family continues to cameo in every main rune factory game, though I think it’d be hard to top this incarnation of them! OH, it’d be amazingly awesome if the next De Saint Coquilles could be the direct descendants of Porco’s family and he cameos as a grandpa?? It could work if the sequel gives a canon love interest to lest/frey, like how raven cameo’d in rf4 and her dialogue heavily implies she ended up with micah. So if frey ended up with arthur or dylas or lest ended up with margaret, then they could be a new part of the de saint coquille family in this sequel cameo. or just be ambiguously referenced so that the player can decide which of the three marriages happened. Oh, or another idea is maybe you meet a branch of the de saint coquilles that’re all elves, if maybe the next game could be set in the elven kingdom? And they could reference being descended from porcoline who did a lot of work on human-elven diplomacy back in the day. Also maybe we could get another female character filling the usual role of the food-loving head of the family with the silly art style? I’ve heard that there was one female de saint coquille in one of the spinoff wii games i havent played but it’d be cool to see another. * Can we have two-seater monsters to ride? So you could go on dates atop an elephant! * Maybe be able to select one monster as your official pet? And it can live inside the house and have a lil food bowl and do more interactions with it, and have friends talk about it when they visit and maybe they can feed it snacks? And it could help raise friendship with different people depending on their preferences for different monsters. I just really like the monsters and I want to make them feel like a part of the family! * A possible very unlikely idea- maybe that monster could become human in a secret postgame quest, and be like your second child? I miss being able to have multiple children like in rf3, but I didnt like how children all looked identical and had basically zero personality in that game. This could be a good way to have two distinct kids! It’d be too tricky to give each monster a unique gijinka form like RF4′s guardians though, so just make it that they become a 100% human character with one set appearance and maybe a couple different colourschemes. maybe it could be that your close monster friend dies sacrificing itself to save you from like... an evil homunculus experimental weapon or something. And then they’re revived using the same magic that created that creature, their soul possesses it and they get to be this artificial human, and they get to have one preset appearance with a good excuse for why! And it could just be super cute and awesome to have them be so excited to finally talk to you and tell you how much they love you! And they could have funny sweet interactions getting used to human things, and their big sibling could help them. And they could be really good at helping with chores in the monster barn, just imagine them hugging all their old monster friends and they trust them completely and they can lead them off in a line like baby ducklings~! And maybe they can have random dialogue saying like ‘hey this monster wanted me to tell you they love you, mama!’ * It would be really cool if we could get a game with a customiseable protagonist, or even just the ability to choose between a few preset options for different races. or just a protagonist of the different races in general, like we’ve had a bazillion humans so cant we have an elf or dwarf? Micah being a were-monster was the entire appeal of that game, I think having another unusual protagonist would recapture that hype! But I really like the idea of having a customizeable protag who could be any of the main three races. I mean not much would have to change depending on who you pick, it’d be relatively less trouble to add in. Maybe just some occasional slightly different scenes to show the different perspectives? or they start with some boosts to different initial stats, or maybe have different aesthetics for the house you get? oooh, or maybe different aesthetics for all the outfits they can get! Like how theyre different for the genders in rf4, but they could have like a human/dwarf/elf cultural flair to each thing. I’d also love if there were more outfits than just pyjamas/bathing suit/8 different colours for default outfit. * I think I’ve mentioned this before but I had a cool idea for if a RF game had a ghost protagonist, now we know ghosts exist in this universe. You could play as both the male and female characters simultaneously, and just select which is the ghost and which is human! So there’d still be two routes with incentive to replay the game, but whichever character you dont pick gets to be the sidekick character with their own different personality and you can get them married to various sub-batchelors maybe? like, the assistant charrie’s romances are different from the ones you can get if you picked them as protagonist. Anyway. the setup would be that the ghost has to haunt a human in order to affect the real world, so thats why you have two characters. The more normal idea would be that protagonist is the human who’s haunted by an assistant/butler type ghost, but I also like the idea that you play as the ghost and you boss around this human to do all the heavy lifting. Like, instead of starting off and getting amnesia somehow, you start off alive and then die and have to possess someone in order to fullfill your unfinished business of raising this farm. You’re the ghost of the person who owned this farm, and you were sleeping here underground waiting for the chosen one you could bond with so you could get back to farming, but you slept too long and the place has got all overgrown and you start again from zero. And then the protagonist could be clueless about everything cos a century has passed, not just cos theyre amnesiac again. * Other excuses that aren’t just amnesia again: protagonist has moved here from another country, protagonist was some sort of sheltered princess who’s never worked a day in their life, protagonist is simply someone who’s never run a farm before and honestly who cares if you start off as someone who already lived here for years? Just have it like youre a loner who’s made a resolution to start being more social now, or some other reason. * A possible idea for a backstory- you are formerly a swashbuckling pirate who just decided to settle down. I dunno why but I think that’d make for a nice unique protagonist perspective! * Also maybe if we do amnesia again we can do something with it? Can we actually have an event eventually about regaining our memories? I was expecting in RF4 there’d be a reveal that before your amnesia you used to be a sechs empire soldier, since all we know about you is that you’re the one who had the rune stones in the beginning of the game. Only other explanation I can think of for that is that there’s some sort of earthmate country somewhere that creates these stones, or you were a merchant who somehow was selling such a rare artifact? I dunno, I still think that the ‘oh god i used to be evil’ twist would have been really really good! * Maybe it could be possible to have other ways to ‘choose’ a character, and get them to become an npc in your house and wander around? I dunno about you guys but I really loved all the themes of ‘found family’ in RF4 and wished there was an equivelant of the marriage routes where I could adopt volkanon as my grandpa or something. Or maybe have a bunch of orphan npcs you can adopt, as an option for if you have a same sex marriage? I just wished I could have made some sort of symbolic gesture to them to say ‘hey, you are my favourite of the non-dateable npcs, thank you’. * Also I’d really like to see a romanceable ghost! I just really think that now they revealed that ghosts are a thing that can exist, I wanna see more about ghosts. Some sort of bigger role to a ghost! * Also yes series please continue having adorkable monster people to marry, that was the entire reason i picked RF4 as my first game to play, lol! I am a bit sad though that all the girls in RF4 arent very monstery at all and all the boys are more monstery. Its a shame cos in RF3 there’s two super monstery girls with the best designs and personalities! I wanna play that game next, I wanna go backwards in order XD

Getting Better Help

May 3, 2017

I’ve been struggling with my mental health (more than the norm) for the past few months and it surprised me how good I was at lying and hiding it from everybody (even though I’m trying to not do that so that people will know what the hell is going on with me - bad habit, I guess). There was this day when I was about to talk to my mom about how I was feeling and to be honest to her about the other stuff that I was intentionally hiding. I kept giving her hints but she’s not picking them up. So I finally bulked up the courage to tell her and I didn’t. I was about to tell her when she sidetracked me about being a responsible adult. I felt frustrated and just gave up on my motives of telling her, thinking she won’t believe me anyway because she’s stuck on her traditional ways.

Anyway, it’s not a secret that my parents are hard to talk to. I basically rant and cry about it almost every single damn day of my life. And I’m pretty sure I wrote a lot about that here in my worthless little blog. The harder part is actually talking to someone about it. When I was regularly going to therapy, everything felt lighter in a way and I think its because I had someone to talk to about it without biases or without taking it personally. Someone who just listened and gave her best objective advice or support or help because it’s her job to help me get better. But since I stopped going to that - and my parents approve of me not needing it anymore (they’re seriously damaging my mental health and emotional well-being) - it’s been hell for me these past months.

Yes. Months. The last time I went to therapy was last December 2016 before we left for our trip to San Francisco / Los Angeles. I actually thought I was getting better and now I understand how people rely and become dependent on the pills their psychiatrist gives. I haven’t slept a good night’s sleep in 4 months. My under eyes (eyebags) are sagging more and more everyday and I just feel more and more tired and sad and helpless when I go to work. It’s depressing! What has become of me?!

I’ve tried to contact my therapist so many times already and I can’t seem to get a hold of her... or her busy schedule. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist either. The last time I saw her, she said I had depression but she doesn’t know the severity. She said it’s getting worse - that’s what she’s sure of. And she also said I had mild social anxiety. And I might have depersonalization or something much worse than that. That’s the reason why she got me have my brain scanned and blood drawn - which she hasn’t seen the results of and neither have I.

It’s all so screwed up! I was getting help and getting better then I stopped and my parents support it. I DON’T! I AM STRUGGLING. WHY CAN’T ANYONE SEE THAT. And don’t get me started with the whole 13 Reasons Why Craze. *vomit* WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TELL MY PARENTS?! OH YEAH BECAUSE THEY WON’T BELIEVE NOR ACCEPT IT ANYWAY. THEY’LL THINK IM BEING OVER DRAMATIC OR “TOO SENSITIVE” OR BEING NEGATIVE. WELL PISS ON THAT MOM AND DAD!! YOU THINK I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!?! I DONT!!! THATS WHY I BEGGED YOU TO GET ME HELP IN THE FIRST PLACE!! BUT YOU PISSED ON THAT IDEA! AND I WAS ACTUALLY GETTING BETTER. BUT YOU PISSED ON IT! YOU DIDNT EVEN TRY! YOU DENIED! AND DENIED! AND DENIED! WELL LOOK AT ME NOW. IM A FREAKING WRECK. I AM SWALLOWING ALL THE PAIN I BURIED A LONG TIME AGO AND SPITTING IT OUT AGAIN AND EATING IT. OH? THATS DISGUSTING? WELL ITS DISGUSTING THAT YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME BUT DONT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO GET ME THE HELP I NEED! DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME AT ALL?! I DONT WANNA DIE, OKAY??! BUT THATS ALL THAT I THINK ABOUT!!! THATS ALL I WISH FOR MYSELF!!! THATS ALL THAT I THINK I NEED BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP ME RELEASE THE ALL THE PAIN AND SORROW AND DEATH THAT I FEEL INSIDE!!!

I don’t mean to yell or rant. I’m just tired and I’m trying to release all these things in my last resort - this blog. I know no one reads this except for me and a couple of strangers from the internet who just loves to read or maybe looking for comfort for their own problems or the haters who just want to bring people down until they actually commit suicide and say “I didn’t do anything. He/she killed themselves.” or “He/she shouldn’t have read the comments then.” or whatever stupid excuse they have. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you murderous bully. Deny it all you want but you’ve killed people. You kill people everyday.

Where am I going with this? What was the point of this post? Well, yesterday, I saw this ad on Facebook and clicked the link and researched about it. I read the whole entire site and reviews about it in other sites. It’s called BetterHelp. And if you’re anything like me or in just dire need of someone to talk to; you’ve probs seen this somewhere. It’s an online counseling service where you chat or video call some professional counselor/therapist and help you with your problems. It’s like 7 Cups of Tea or  Blah Therapy, both I’ve tried before and disappointed me - one of the two made me suicidal so I don’t recommend.

So in BetterHelp, you have to register first - which I didn’t mind because it was free and it has this quick evaluation test or whatever to match you with a counselor (which I thought was really cool). After doing that, I had to wait 24 hours or less to get verified or matched with a counselor. So when I opened my email today, I was excited to finally talk to someone about all this baggage I’m carrying around.

But I got this message instead:

WAT.

ARE THEY SERIOUS?!

I’m so angry and frustrated and I wanna cry but also want to smash my head on a glass window and cut myself with the shards stuck to my head all over my body so that they will see how much I need their services.

THEY DENIED ME THE HELP THAT I NEED?! HOW DO THEY KNOW IF THEIR SERVICES WILL HELP ME OR NOT?! I HAVENT TRIED THEIR SERVICES!!! WHAT IF IT WORKS??? WHAT IF IT HELPS ME???

HOW DO YOU KNOW?????

WHY WOULD YOU DENY???

WHY WOULD YOU REFUSE???

I THOUGHT YOU MADE THE SITE SO IT WOULD HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME???!?! NOT DENY THEM OF THE HELP THEY NEED!

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????

What now, you may ask. Well... there you go. 👇🏻