#i am recovering from covid booster so i am
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How is your Tav and Durges' relationship to the other companions? Are they close with any of them, other than their LIs? What is their dynamic like?
Bonus: Do they have any notable relationships among the other non-companion characters?
HELLO I AM FINALLY GONNA TRY AND ANSWER SOME OF THESE YEEHAW
As I love literally all the companions, bc they are all so messy and beloved to me, most of my characters tend to have that disastrous found family dynamic that I adore <3 but ye I think they've all got their own relationships with each other them
I think Pyre gets along really well with Karlach? Which I imagine surprises the others, somewhat. But they're both soldiers, at the end of the day, and there's a comfortable familiarity in that dynamic for both of them. Karlach, of course, is somewhat irreverent when she responds "Sir yes sir" to Pyre giving her an order, but he finds her energy and zest for life really refreshing? They both know what it's like to be a prisoner, after all, and to cherish the freedom they have, knowing what it's like to claw your way out of hell.
He gets along with Lae'zel for similar reasons in one direction, and Wyll in another. He and Lae'zel talk shop and strategy a lot, and she respects his shrewdness and forceful decisiveness, and he her focus, determination, and discipline.
With Wyll, once things come out about Mizora, there is definitely an uncomfortable familiarity for him, and it makes him determined to help Wyll escape the contract however he can.
I feel that Pyre feels much older than the rest of the party, save Astarion and Halsin, and it's sort of given him a reluctant dad vibe 😩 Well, he acts gruff and reluctant, but I think deep down he enjoys having this sort of close bond with them all. He's been alone for so long...
As for non-party members? He and Zevlor get along fairly well, even though I feel like it doesn't seem that way to most who see it. I can definitely see some history between the two of them, and I think they interact exactly how you'd expect two gruff old men to interact.
NOW FOR MOSS
With Moss, I think the rest of the party wind up very protective of him. He's so open and earnest, and also just... doesn't understand a lot of the intricacies of the world around him. He's very clearly completely lost, with no memories to speak of, not even a name at first. Still, he's determined to survive same as they are, and he becomes... terrifyingly loyal to them, very quickly.
They have to help him a lot with just becoming a functional person? And tbh I feel like some of them take that duty VERY seriously. Gale for sure. Especially bc Moss will happily listen to him explain magic things for hours on end just staring at him like 🥺. He and Shadowheart bond over that shared amnesiac trauma, and also later on the fun Abusive Parent situations. Lae'zel admires his power and brutality when it's necessary, and his struggle to resist that brutality when it isn't. Wyll just admires how honest he is about what he is and what he's feeling, and how empathetic he is when he has absolutely no reason to be.
Karlach has decided she's his big sister, even if he is A Good Bit Bigger Than Her. She cannot wait until it is safe to put him in an affectionate headlock and give him a noogie 😩
Halsin takes on a mentor role as a fellow druid because there's a lot about being one that Moss, oddly enough, doesn't really understand? Moss respects him enormously.
At the end of the day, Moss would tear out the entrails of any who dared hurt any of his friends and eat them bloody (ʘ‿ʘ✿)
#pidge replies#nbfhfhf ngl i lost steam#and since i am still working on my other boys i will have to figure them out a bit more#i am recovering from covid booster so i am#bored but v tired#ANYWAY#these are the lads i have Thought The Most About clearly#oc: pyre#oc: moss
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it's that time of year again: AK's 2023 Wrapped™. no, not the music thing. the december year-in-review thing. my spotify charts were deeply unfunny this time around because of all the game soundtracks i've been listening to. i don't know when these end-of-year posts became tradition for me, which is to say i could find out and i'm too lazy to check. the important thing, like lemon pigs or eating black-eyed peas, is that it feels like we've always done it. in the depths of winter, the warmth comes from the routine.
i won't beat around the bush about it: it's been a difficult year. it's been hard enough that it doesn't seem appropriate to joke about it or wave it off in favor of big, blog-worthy wins. times are dark right now. it behooves all of us to think deeply and check on each other. i hope i've been a decent friend to the people who needed it. so instead of scraping together a halfhearted victory lap, i'm going to go against my better judgment and be vulnerable.
it wasn't all bad. i got promoted to staff narrative designer this year, which is a fancy way of saying "you don't have to do time cards anymore." it's strange: in an industry infamous for volatility, my job has become one of the few things i can rely on to be positive. i believe my coworkers like me, which is good, because i like them. i feel not just included, but welcomed at work social events. i've developed a reputation for being a garbage goat on my writing team. "got an odd job? give it to AK. we can count on her to eat it." i had the chance to collaborate with someone i've looked up to for years, and i was delighted to find out how amenable they are to work with. there's work stress and there's work stress. everyone has challenging days, but it's not the crab bucket that voltage was, so it never seems that bad. i keep it in perspective. sure, these tasks keep me on my feet, but is it three cents a word, seven thousand words a week? i'll live.
i just wish it had all been good. it speaks to how my health has been that getting covid in february was one of the most mundane things to happen to me. i did everything right. i had all my boosters. i had paxlovid. i recovered well. still, it knocked me out of orbit in the psychological sense. i stopped getting enough exercise, though i'm building myself up again. i became neurotic about my stats. am i Getting A Good Grade In Blood Pressure? what about Pulse Rate? two months later, i came down with a strange, unrelated condition that was nowhere near as serious as covid, but made my life ten times more difficult. i'm happy to report i feel worlds better these days. even so, it was a bizarre time. bodies sure are curious.
later, my sink flooded my closet, and for a few days, i had to reckon with the idea that mold might destroy my entire wardrobe. all those irreplaceable pieces of character design that i've built my identity around since i was eighteen years old. who would i be without them? a wise person would say it was a lesson: stop defining who you are by your looks and find worth in your inner self. the mold is gone and my clothes are fine, but sometimes i have days where my lungs seem like they're sort of operating at ninety percent. i'm trying not to fuss about it. my checkups are normal, and i feel fine whenever i get out of the house for a while. maybe it'll go away when i move. because, hey, i can contemplate saving for a house now. how about that? remember when my mother and i were homeless? what a surreal landscape of highs and lows.
maybe grief is strange like that. in july, just when my health started to settle down, my grandmother died. it was a long time coming. she was 94 and extremely frail. i handled it well at first. it took the ensuing few months for the full weight of human mortality to sink in. before, i'd mainly been to funerals of warm, but distant old men, great patriarchs who loved but didn't relate to little girls. her, i knew. she was there when i was born. i won't go into detail, but it was not a peaceful passing, and it left problems in its wake. you don't live through that without taking a long, hard look at your life. everyone gets the invincibility knocked out of them sometime.
my mother is too disciplined to let it get the better of her. on the worst days of her life, the stove still got cleaned and the bills got paid. when people give her condolences, she encourages them to look on the bright side: she got almost seventy years with her. how many children can say that? but i can tell she's sad, and i'm not under any illusion i can help. i have to sit with it. there's nothing else for me to do.
under different circumstances, i'd have thrown myself into my work. i'd come up with some writing project to avoid thinking about it. i guess the dominant theme when it comes to my personal writing has been inertia: accomplishing nothing and being unsure of myself. if it's a growing pain, it's a rough one. i question my storytelling instincts so much, it's hard to get a story off the ground, let alone take it anywhere. i've hit a point where i find the conventions of the romance genre limiting. i still want to write about people in love, though, and i can't reconcile the two. why do some love stories get to be love stories and others are "just romance?" you could ask why it's "just" romance, and that's a good, but different conversation, i think. what are the great love stories saying about the human condition that i'm not? what is my work saying, period? not a whole lot, i'm afraid. i used to be pugnacious about writing from my id brain, about doing it for the fun of it. i worry that's not going to cut it anymore. i have to push myself harder. i also have to stop fretting about being perceived as pretentious for asking these questions.
it would be easier if i had more answers. i'm not sure which project to work on next, because they're all half-formed outlines with plots i don't know how to fill. i'm not sure whether it'd be weird for someone with my job to keep writing or posting fanfic, no matter how informally. i'm not sure what role physical intimacy should play in my writing, if any, because along with everything else, this was the year shame caught up to me. i'm not sure what happened there. i hope the "are sex scenes necessary" debate didn't get me, because i'd argue for their artistic merit any day. but when i do it, i worry that it's indiscreet somehow, like i'm revealing myself in ways that make strangers uncomfortable. some days i feel like going through my backlog of published work and tearing out all the sex-adjacent content like a power-mad inquisitor. i won't, because i'd regret it, but i spend a lot of time being embarrassed. it's embarrassing. i can't escape the feeling that people don't want to know that about me.
despite it all, it's still bad form to end on a down note, so i'll leave you with this: after five years, i finally got into physical therapy for my arm. i told my doctor the whole sob story and she put in a referral to a hand/occupational clinic. will it help? i don't know. i've tried so many things that haven't. but they're optimistic that i'm in better shape than i think - i've heard a lot of "wow, we get patients who can't even open a jar!" - so it's worth a shot. if it means i can draw a little more, it's something. i still make time for the picrew every day. ever onward. thanks for hanging in there with me, guys. you keep things interesting.
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Your COVID-19 vaccines are one of the best things you can do for your body. I cannot stress this enough. I say this as I recover from my 3 round of COVID-19.
I had the OG Wuhan strain in March 2020. I nearly died. I have scars on my lungs, and long covid. There was no vaccine at the time.
I'm really unlucky that I am really susceptible to COVID-19, that even 3 time round. With all 4 of my vaccines, it was still like a pretty bad flu, but guess what. This time I didn't need an ambulance. This time it was rough, but nothing like the previous 2 times. It was like bad flu rough, and not as I've described to people as "covid sick" because it is a whole leguage of it's own. And I've survived meningitis.
And it's not because I've already been sick with COVID-19, because I've had 3 very different strains. The vaccines have protected me, and as far as I know I've not had any long term disabilities from catching COVID-19 since being vaccinated.
Unlike the first time getting sick.
So get vaccinated and whatever boosters you might need.
I'd normally say if they offered me a booster now, I'd lift my sleeve. But sadly I have to wait for at least a month before having any boosters. But I would given the first opportunity.
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little covid rant
one thing that’s really odd about getting covid for the first time 3 years into the pandemic is that i was very careful and did limit social interactions and wore masks indoors and literally would not have gotten it now if i didn’t take a once in a lifetime chance to see my favourite band for the first time like it’s a very clear thing to me that i could have caught covid at any time but the risks would have continued to be low if not for this ONE THING i did.
so aside from the hypothetical series of choices where i was very sad but healthy the fact is that it took about 2 years for me to really start to miss normal life and 3 years for me to miss Doing Activities
like after this i am going to go back to my recluse era because the world was not as cautious as i was and i don’t want to tempt increasing health risks from re-occuring infections so i don’t even have the bandaid rip of OH WELL CAUGHT COVID NOW IT’S NOT SCARY like no.... no this does suck and the potential impact of it is scary and i do not want to knowingly contribute to infecting others
and idk i’m just mad the world moved on because the more people act like the pandemic is over the more pressure there is to put your health at risk. I’m literally going to go back to staying home and going for walks and doing 1 (one) indoor activity with more than 2 people every 6 months while masked and getting booster shots when available
and i miss life in a big way, i really personally felt like i got the momentum knocked out from under me by graduating into a pandemic, it's not a unique sentiment but it's just very frustrating to see exactly how clear cut the price is for being a Normal Person right now. Either I can continue to try to get it together from home and struggle but stay healthy, or i can risk infection after infection and all the health issues that could result to work and go to events again.
it's vindicating to know how much my efforts to social distance and mask up DID WORK and frustrating that one of maybe 3 concessions to having fun i participated in over 3 entire years resulted in catching covid
like obviously i'm very fortunate and lucky and so on and so on but i still feel angry with how this pandemic was given up on on such a broad scale. did you know that for a while mid pandemic there was almost zero cases in my state? We managed that but because of all kinds of factors and prioritising profits over people after the second bigger wave people started acting like vaccination was the only thing needed.
I'm such a risk avoidant person generally and when i take on a situation i am not sure of i accept the consequences. I am now experiencing those consequences. I am not oh woe is me-ing the results i am just startled by the realisation that I was right to be so cautious all this time and that continuing to do so means continuing to actively chose to sacrifice opportunities over and over and over. because it feels like the world is not set up for me to thrive in it
maybe it's that i was too preoccupied with unrelated stress when everyone went through the existential terror of early covid, maybe it's because i never went through the stages of though that lead some people to go "everyone's going to get it anyway!" but as i creep towards recovering from this run of sickness and keep my fingers crossed for no long term side effects i have to figure out how to re-arrange what my outlook for the future is for as long as people act like an ongoing pandemic isn't happening
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In the second in a series of personal perspectives, the John Snow Project talks to [a successful, active early-thirties professional] based in California, who developed Long COVID after his third SARS-CoV-2 infection.
Perspective: I Did Everything Right and Things Still Went Wrong - John Snow Project
NOTE: “did everything right” in this headline is not in terms of what COVID-informed people know and do, but rather the average person who follows CDC & govt. guidelines: the “vax and relax” approach.
Excerpts:
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Salvatore was Covid cautious and followed public health advice from the outset, including with regard to the vaccines.
“I completed my first vaccine series in May 2021 with two doses of Pfizer. Believing I was protected, I lived normally and was infected in September 2021. I had a known exposure and lost my sense of smell and taste. I was sick for about a day and went to bed early that night, but I didn’t even take time off work. I went back to my remote duties the next day and felt fine after a few days. I had my third Pfizer vaccine in March 2022, and was infected for a second time in September 2022 and for a third time in January 2023.”
Salvatore wasn’t initially concerned about his subsequent infections.
“I tested positive on a Cue at-home test for the second and third infections. Both infections were even milder than the first, maybe because I took Paxlovid. Within a week of the second infection, I developed heart palpitations, which were not initially linked to Long COVID. After the third infection, I began to develop many more Long COVID symptoms, and was diagnosed with the condition.”
Looking back, Salvatore had experienced persistent symptoms since his first infection, and developed new ones with each subsequent infection.
“I was aware of Long COVID since I had persistent loss of taste and smell going back to my first infection, but I never really considered it to be Long COVID, as it did not have a major effect on my life. The third infection is really what tipped me into Long COVID. Since then, I've had intermittent chest pain, heart palpitations, various neurological issues (face numbness, buzzing in the feet), joint pain, anxiety, issues with my vision, fatigue, complete alcohol and caffeine intolerance. I alternate between good weeks and bad weeks, with the bad weeks slowly becoming less severe. Some symptoms have totally resolved, while new ones occasionally emerge (the neurological symptoms did not arise until 3-4 months after my third infection). Although I have been able to keep my job and parent my daughter, this year has been one of the worst of my life. Where previously I was having fun on the weekends, for the last 8 months, I have basically spent my weekends laying on the couch and trying to recover. This year, I had two vacations planned, but cancelled them both because of how bad I've felt. My wife and I have delayed having another child because of my health. Even if I do recover fully, I have read so many stories of people relapsing back into Long COVID, that I am afraid I will never be fully healthy. For that reason, we may not have any more children because of Long COVID.”
Salvatore emailed Dr Bob Wachter, after the noted physician said booster vaccinations or infections will protect people from Long COVID. Dr Wachter posted on Twitter that boosters or infections “will protect you from severe infection & Long Covid – I give them 1 year of credit in this regard.”
Salvatore asked Dr Wachter to delete his erroneous tweet, saying, “Just reading it has caused me immense anguish knowing that someone might believe you and wind up in a similar situation [to me]. I hope you can appreciate how someone could reasonably hold you responsible for their Long COVID in the future.”
We asked Salvatore how the medical profession has responded to his Long COVID.
“Most doctors have believed me, but none have offered any substantive treatments. For example, my cardiologist at UCSF ended our last appointment by encouraging me to take CBD oil, telling me he hoped I would get better. The CBD oil seems to help a little bit, but I haven't gotten better despite his hopes. An ER doctor I saw after my face went numb was kind and caring, but described me and people like me as a "science experiment" that no one really knows how to help. Primary Care Providers have been hit or miss. Once I brought in a document with my list of symptoms to a new Primary Care Provider. He ignored it, then suggested the only explanation was that I was suffering from HIV. I have no risk factors for HIV. Once when I was feeling really bad, I visited urgent care. When I told the doctor that I had caught Covid three times, he implied that it was my fault, and told me not to catch Covid again, as if I hadn’t tried, or could somehow wave a magic wand to prevent it in the future.”
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[ Comment: The PCP’s explanation is unsurprising. It’s been said repeatedly that Long COVID is similar to HIV and AIDS — the latter can also start as a “mild” or asymptomatic HIV infection and becomes much worse later on. LC affects the body / immune system and presents in some similar ways.
“If they are not treated, almost all people infected with HIV will develop AIDS (Stage 3). Some people develop AIDS within a few years of infection. Others remain completely healthy after 10 or even 20 years (called long-term nonprogressors).“ - Penn Medicine ]
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CONTD.
Salvatore isn’t alone in his experiences of Long COVID but wishes more people would pay attention to the risks.
“My friends and family have been broadly supportive. It might be because I have several family members and friends who also have Long COVID, or who had it in the past and recovered. I don't think my experience has actually influenced anyone else's behavior, except my wife, who masks diligently because of me. When I talk about Long COVID, people who were already behaving in a COVID-cautious manner see it as validating, while those who weren't react with a sort of hopeless indifference. Long COVID isn’t rare. It affects many people who catch Covid even if they caught Covid before. Even if they are young and healthy. Even if they are vaccinated or not vaccinated.”
Salvatore has a message for people who don’t think about the risks of Long COVID.
“You probably won't develop Long COVID after your Covid infection, but there's a good chance that you might. The only way to avoid Long COVID is to avoid catching Covid. The vaccines and Paxlovid seem to help but aren't a panacea. If you get Long COVID, it will probably be somewhat mild, but it also could be so severe that it will derail your life entirely. Doctors will not be able to help you -- there are no cures or even approved treatments.”
Salvatore is concerned about the failure of governments to respond to the danger of Long COVID.
“Government officials that downplay or ignore the risk of Long COVID are directly responsible for the suffering of millions of people. Even if there's nothing to be done about it, at least telling people the truth would give them a chance to make a decision about the amount of risk they're willing to take. Be honest with the public about Long COVID: stop downplaying it.”
He is also concerned about the systemic risk Long COVID poses to social and economic wellbeing.
“Long COVID is the biggest, most mispriced risk facing the United States. Based on the latest studies, it's entirely possible that as many as one-third of Americans could be struggling with Long COVID in just a few years. Many of these people may be too sick to work, which poses a huge risk for the economy, and may already be manifesting in the form of the persistent labor shortage. As the number of people with Long COVID grows, health care and disability systems will come under even more strain. Long COVID should be treated as seriously as the initial COVID outbreak.”
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honestly torn about getting a COVID booster.
Reasons for: I am in an at-risk group, I live in a crowded city and I regularly take public transportation and travel to other cities. My last boost was August 2022 and I haven't had a bivalent shot yet.
Reasons against: every time I get a COVID shot my side effects get worse. Last time I nearly had to go to the hospital. Fever of 104, chills, kind of delirious, pain from head to toe, my injection arm swelled up instead of just hurting like before, took days to recover fully. Honestly have never felt sicker. So I'm a little scared to do another one. I mask regularly and I never got COVID the entire pandemic (unless I got it with no symptoms?), so maybe I can continue on with the immunity I have?
But: I feel a little irresponsible not doing it, considering herd immunity needs for people who can be vaxxed to do it. So I'm basically full of impending doom of knowing I gotta do this but also that all my preparations have not prevented or mitigated side effects even a little bit, and I'm going to get very very sick.
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Long Covid & Recovery
I got an ask on something I wrote on long covid and I realized I had A Lot to say about it. So I wrap it in a long post here, who knows someday to someone else’s benefit.
I got covid for the first time in April. I coughed, was tired and experienced shortness of breath. But no fever, so (in typical Dutch fashion) I figured it wasn’t that bad. Yeah ok, it took me two hours to do my morning routine and then I had to recover, but apart from feeling like I was training for a marathon, nothing wrong. It took me a few weeks before I noticed that my fatigue was getting worse every day. Oops.
Right before before I had covid, I casually biked 100km in weekends, untrained. After, I could not even do 10 minutes. The majority of my recovery has happened in about six months. At this point I am still not 100% there but I am good enough to work on my graduation thesis again and start training for a winter triathlon in March.
What follows now is a summary of my lessons learned:
1) Brain recovery takes longer than fitness. Although at first, the brain recovery was much aligned with the body recovery, eventually the brain recovery went slower. I have read that this is because as soon as you are able to move your body more, your brain gets more stimuli: in other words it is much more overloaded quickly than your body. So that’s normal and it happens a lot!
2) Professional help helps. I was lucky enough to get this relatively late into the pandemic, so programmes for long covid patients were already in place. I was also lucky enough that my GP immediately send me to a post-covid recovery programme where I got a physical therapist. She helped me find the right pace of recovery, as I had a very hard time accepting that 10 minutes of biking, or 30 minutes of emailing was my limit. She would tell me again and again not to push it, for it would set me back even more.
3) Rest is a skill. In the first months, I lied down every 2 hours to make sure I'd take enough rest. When going somewhere I'd take the car so I could nap in the car. I rested.
4) Checking in with the body is a skill. I never did it before. I was the king of Pushing Through. Pushing through a marathon, tendonitis, sleep deprivation, exams. I had made it my skill. But now I had a body with such fragile limits, that got worse with every push. I had to learn to really check in and feel my body. To do so, I meditated daily. Sometimes more than an hour per day (in sessions of 20 minutes). I am so glad I learned this and I still check in.
5) There is no quick fix for long covid. My physical therapist had told me that with their programme, most peoples recovery really starts somewhere between 3-6 month. After 3 months the first improvements started, and writing emails did no longer take two hours. But well, most of the things I did were still a mess and I had a really hard time keeping an overview. I had no idea who I told about it or not, so I probably told some people many times how messy I was, and forgot to update others.
6) I got my booster vaccination two months ago and that was a big push for my recovery. At that point I was doing ok. I was studying again, but I needed all weekend to recover from that. After the booster, it felt like a big setback. After 10 days, however, I started feeling ‘normal’ for the first time since April. I am not a scientific study and I lack the medical lingo to look for studies but I’m pretty sure it helped me. A Lot.
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My three favorite books of 2022
2022 has actually turned out to be a pretty big year for me in terms of reading. For anyone who doesn’t know, I have been struggling with an intense reading burn-out since my junior year of undergrad (English majors go off) that I have slowly recovering from over the last few years, and this last year especially has done a lot in terms of reigniting my love for reading.
Now, overall, I read a total of 23 books over the course of 2022, which might not be much for some folks, but it’s a lot for me and I am very pleased both with the number of books I read and with the books themselves.
Generally, I have enjoyed a lot of creative nonfiction as well as literary fiction, but I also ended up giving myself more room to explore different genres like horror/thriller as well as sci-fi and graphic novels. Some examples include: The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir, Tender is the Flesh by Agustina Bazterrica, and Seek You: A Journey Through American Loneliness by Kirsten Radtke.
The list below are not exactly what I would consider the best of everything I’ve read (but don’t get me wrong, they’re all fantastic) but rather more so the books that have changed my approaches to life, reading, or otherwise have lingered with me since reading them. So without further ado, let’s get into it.
3. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
This is not my first Toni Morrison novel, but I wish that it had been. My initial introduction to Morrison had been Song of Solomon, a novel that I don’t remember enjoying but plan to revisit soon.
The Bluest Eye clicked for me in so many ways, from Morrison’s artistic description of 1940’s Lorain, Ohio to her masterful execution of theme as a linking mechanism throughout each chapter. I love the way Morrison refuses to shy away from the more grotesque parts of her characters without completely stripping them of their humanity.
I recommend looking up the trigger warnings before diving into it, but The Bluest Eye is a wonderful novel that I’m glad to have picked up the past year.
2. On Immunity: an Inoculation by Eula Biss
I think I picked this up after hearing about it from some bookclub servers I was in, but this book ended up being the harrowing examination of our mass response to disease and vaccination that I needed after these past few years neck deep in the COVID-19 pandemic.
On Immunity does not respond to our most recent global panic, but instead responds to our history of illness and treatment, and how much of that history gets shaped by human fear. The similarities between the epidemics and vaccine treatments Biss faced at the birth of her son and what we’ve encountered over the last few years is hauntingly similar.
But what I ended up loving the most about this book was Biss’s honesty about her own fears and apprehensions towards vaccine treatment. It ended up making the book more about self-examination instead of mass cultural critique, which helped me to breakdown my own anxieties over scheduling an appointment for that first COVID booster.
After everything we’ve all been through over the course of the COVID-19 pandemic, this book couldn’t be relevant and worth reading.
1. Why Fish Don’t Exist by Lulu Miller
This has probably become one of my favorite books ever. Similar to On Immunity, I initially encountered this book via one of my bookclub servers (it was a really great bookclub y’all), and have not stopped thinking about.
Why Fish Don’t Exist is half biography of the late taxonomist, David Starr Jordan, and half memoir of Lulu Miller’s pursuit for meaning amongst personal devastation.
It’s hard for me to describe what exactly I love about this book beyond the standard execution of lyrical prose and investigative reflection. This is a book I would recommend to anyone new to nonfiction, because it’s artful blend of form makes for a really captivating read complete with twists and unexpected beauty.
I think for me, what this book really ended up providing was a reflection of my own questions about life and meaning in the wake of my own spiritual deconstructions. Growing up in an intensely religious home, I’d been conditioned to rely on notions of a god for almost all my personal deliberations. So, by taking a step away from all those preconceived notions of the universe and my place in it, I, like Miller, found myself faced with the task of finding new ways to connect to life in order to find purpose again. It’s a book I find myself returning too quite frequently.
So, that is the short list of my favorite books this year. If you’ve read any of these, I’d love to hear your thoughts or if you want to tell me about your favorite books from this past year, please feel free to share.
Until then, ✌️
#books and reading#book blog#why fish don’t exist#on immunity#the bluest eye#book review#happy new year#books#reading#2022 reading
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2023 Blog Schedule
Heyyy bestiesss, Emile here, how are you guys? I hope your 2023 has started off better than mine — I’m currently recovering from COVID after testing positive on January 1st :/ It’s been an awful experience so far, please get vaccinated and get your boosters! I’ve had mine, and had most of my boosters but put off getting the most recent one, and now I’m suffering for it. I don’t want any of you having to experience what I am!
Moving on from that, I’ve decided that from here on out I’m going to have a yearly schedule for this blog! I want to post more content without putting tons of pressure on myself, so this year, I’m going to be focused on twelve major projects, one for each month! Keep in mind that I will also be posting some flash fiction for Dead by Daylight at the same time — that’s because I’m in a writing club for it and it’s only 200 words a week, which is pretty low stakes for me, and some of these projects will be centered on the long-term projects going on in that club (signified by an asterisk). Anywho, I want to get into the current list, with their summaries:
January — Jean Kierstein x Pregnant!Reader
posted on 31 Jan 2023 — Cashmere and Cradles
February — Margaret Yamaoka (DBD OC)*
posted on 27 Feb 2023 — My Name is Margaret
March — Porco Galliard x Reader (College AU)
who knew that the aftereffects of a night of drinking would turn out to be so much more than just a hangover?
April — DBD Killers*
ya’ll remember HISHE’s superhero cafe and villain pub? yea, well… here’s my take on it
May — Fezco x Elle (Euphoria OC)
Elle, a girl from way out of town, visits her college friend McKay’s hometown for a weekend.
June — Adiris x Carmina Mora*
happy pride, from two beautiful, cursed, tall ladies in the fog to you!
July — Aaron Davis x Reader (already in progress)
when young and educated y/n’s given the opportunity of a lifetime, she plans accordingly. her life is finally starting to be perfect, until suddenly, it’s not anymore. her friendly neighborhood bachelor, Aaron Davis, helps her pick up the pieces, as she unknowingly makes him see that there’s more to life than being a villain.
August — TBD*
this bi-monthly community challenge has yet to be set.
September — Twee (Bella Sara)
Twee is often treated differently by other horses in North of North, and eventually the foal strikes out on their own.
October — Jester!Ji-Woon Hak x Princess!Reader*
Ji-Woon mysteriously appears in y/n’s kingdom as the new court jester, but he’s come for more than just laughs.
November — Ekko x Anemone (Arcane OC)
A child twice-orphaned fighting to bring power to the people, and a child without her mother, being used as a pawn in her remaining family’s struggle for power. This is the story of what happens when flowers manage to bloom in unexpected places.
December — TBD*
this bi-monthly community challenge has yet to be set.
If any of these projects interest you, please let me know which and I’ll place you on a taglist for them when I post them! I’m intending to limit myself to just these, but if I feel inspired I’ll probably pump out some other works, especially during Spring cleaning since I have so many babies sitting in the drafts, haha. Oh! Also, some of these are multi-chapters, like the Aaron Davis x Reader, Ekko x Anemone and Jester!Ji-Woon x Princess!Reader :) Happy browsing and happy new year!
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Welcome! Here is my info under the cute picrew and cut! (link for picrew incoming I am writing this initially in bed on my phone)
So you are more curious about me?
Basically, I'm a college student living in the Pacific Northwest. I was born in the Seattle area and I live there to this day! The mountain is going to claim us all someday, but the weather is mild and we have great scenery!
I love mice. I've kept them as pets since I was a little kid of 5 and insisted to my parents "I'm almost old enough to go to school, I can handle a pet!"
I used to want to be a veterinarian, but I can't really do the higher math involved in getting educated that way. I want to have and work with animals but I'm in psychology now.
In 2018 I had a bad lapse in my mental health that would last a long time. In 2020 my wisdom teeth started to hurt and they assured me I would have them out before May.
That was in early March 2020.
When I finally got my teeth out in August that year, I saw a new doctor shortly after who gave me some new medications to try and diagnosed the skin condition I'd put off to being unhygenic in my depression and chronic pain.
I'm deathly allergic to one of the medications I was given and it is the sickest I've ever been. I've never had COVID, shockingly, so that might change. The problem with me being so sick was that it was November 2020, so hospitals were where COVID patients were and you did not want to go there and risk exposure if you didn't have COVID.
I'm vaccinated now and stay up to date on my boosters. My Nonna had a baby sister who died of the measles in the 60s, a disease a vaccine can prevent now. Therefore in my family we get all our vaccines, so that baby is the last one to die of something preventable.
Didn't work out, my Nonna's little brother the COVID denier did die of the illness in the end.
But I did not die of my illness and recovered quickly from death's door once I stopped taking the bad medication. I have lasting damage thats altered my metabolism and I have scars on my hands and feet, but I'm fine.
In 2022 I managed to see a dermatologist about my persistant acne. I was 23 by that point so I knew I wasn't going to grow out of it. The dermatologist had me take isotrentin, colloquially known as Accutane, a brand that used to distribute it. It cleared up my face significantly! Along the way the dermatologist noticed I am extremely prone to infections in part because my other condition makes me heal really slow so any wound I have is vulnerable longer.
The fact I have a skin picking compulsion doesn't help, but I keep my nails as short as I can and treat my face and chest with neosporin and bandages and I am usually healthy. I do need antibiotics a lot though.
I have a partner called Aly and she is the best! She has a dog called Lucky who simultaneously looks like a goblin, a muppet, a sad child and an old man. He is a sweet dog most of the time, very affectionate and relaxed, but he is also very clever and food motivated.
Aly has ADHD which means sometimes she moves too fast for my autistic brain, but in the end we usually work through it. We both like video games and animals and junk food after all! I met Aly when we joined the same after school club in high school, I was about 15 and she was 17 and lived within walking distance of the school, so I hung out at her house a lot! Our buddy Venus was also in school with us, me and her are the same age!
We now all regularly hang out at Venus's apartment which is not far from where we grew up, and often we include my younger brother!
My brother is about 2 and a half years younger than me and in college for computer science. Right now he is working as a systems engineer (programmer) for a company that makes games on Roblox, a platform my brother grew up using. We are all really proud of him!
I'm unsure what else to talk about, so ask if you got this far and think of anything! Otherwise have fun on the blog!!
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update (nov 10)
tw // disordered eating
a lot has happened in the last month! since my last post, i finally stopped experiencing the gi side effects i mentioned but quite suddenly came down with covid about a week and a half later. i have no idea where/how i was exposed (i still wear a mask always), but it makes sense that it would have come when it did given my already weakened state (lack of sleep bc college student, lack of food from medication side effects, a severe bacterial infection in a recent cut, and late for covid booster bc the vaccine side effects i get from it are no fun). i am mostly okay now, thankfully, but i am still fairly weak and tire easily. i lost about 15 pounds in the ten days i was out sick so that's to be expected i guess. blood sugars were high throughout but never had a particularly bad spike so that's good. working on getting back to normal diet but still struggling to get enough calories in, partially because my appetite is still not back to normal.
my eating disorder is also rearing its ugly head. it says, losing that weight was good for you anyways. you should start eating even less so you can lose even more. you aren't having any low blood sugars like before even with undereating this much, so doing this can't be that terrible. you'll just feel so much better once you get to x point. it lies. i know this, but it's still been difficult to fight against it. because even though i understand that being thinner doesn't mean healthier, especially losing weight so fast from being sick, but type 2 diabetics are encouraged to lose weight to help manage the condition, so it kind of does. but health is physical and mental, and i have tried to make peace with the fact that losing weight on purpose is not something i can do healthily. i am committed to eating well and exercising and taking care of myself, and if the number on the scale falls, then it falls. if it doesn't, then it doesn't. that is my mantra. but sometimes i lose sight of it, especially when i see the number on the scale dropping. it catches the attention of my eating disorder brain and makes it start to whisper in my ear. and unfortunately it's been working. part of the reason why i haven't been eating enough since (mostly) recovering from covid is restriction rather than true lack of appetite. at least i have not had any binges since starting the new meds in october, probably because i physically cannot eat very much at a time without, uhh...repercussions, so...yeah. i'm just glad to not also be dealing with that on top of everything else.
although things are not the best atm, i feel okay overall mentally and i am trying to get back on track physically by doing everything i need to do to take care of myself. including eating enough. and doing all the homework i missed while i've been out with covid. which is a lot. (sigh.) well, better get back to work.
<3 thanks for reading <3
-suitelifeofzackandmody
#update#health shit#type 2 diabetes#covid#covid isn't over#tw disordered eating#tw restriction#tw weight loss#tw ed
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Dorkiworld Sesh 6
7/28 Games complete (1 released)
3349/7583 checks done (70%)
Aydenja (my Messenger seed): 68% checks done
Aydentale (my Undertale seed): 58% checks done
Aydio (my Mario 64 seed): 52% checks done
Aydow (my Sonic Adventure 2 seed): 64% checks done
Lunayden (my Timespinner seed): 87% checks done
Today's progress:
The Messenger: I cleared a few more areas and beat a few bosses. Just kind of fucked around mostly since, at the time, I didn't have any pinged Messenger checks that I hadn't already grabbed. I now have 32 Power Seals out of the 47 I need to beat the game. Amazing how 8 games have released and collected their items and I'm still not go mode in any of my games.
Undertale: Got to the Core and beat Mettaton, which is hard required. I was pretty slap happy after getting my COVID booster and flu shot in one sitting so I fucked up a few times.
Super Mario 64: I don't recall playing Super Mario 64 this session. However, I do have 63 Power Stars so I can check a few more locations and am only 7 Power Stars away from go mode.
Sonic Adventure 2: I played this for a little and mostly just fumbled around looking for Omochaos. I still only have 97 Emblems. I need 105 to get people's required items and I need 135 to beat the game.
Timespinner: Didn't play Timespinner this session. I might crack it open now that I have the Tablet just because the library is such a check-dense area.
Session 6 was fun enough but I also probably shouldn't have went that late after getting jabbed with 2 vaccines. I'm probably going to start up Session 7 shortly after typing this. I am now mostly recovered and have a couple of important items to grab for other people.
#randomrings#journal#multiworld#archipelago#dorkiworld#async#randomizer#the messenger#sonic adventure 2#undertale
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I had quite a few medical scares.
I had constant chest and back pain and a racing heart rate that I was for sure were signs of a heart attack, so I made visit after visit to the ER and clinic, only to learn that I had costochondritis and an elevated amount of cholesterol and low amount of potassium, but an otherwise healthy heart. I was just experiencing more of that good ol' anxiety.
Then, I had cramps in my sides and extreme dizziness, so that was another rush to the ER, where I had tested positive for a UTI. They put me on antibiotics that I was unfamiliar with, sparking a bout of paranoia that I may be allergic to this medication because, as far as I'm aware, I haven't been truly tested for allergies. Not only that, but I've learned that there are a plethora of side effects that could be fatal, such as contracting C. Difficile, developing pulmonary fibrosis or permanent nerve damage or a failing liver. In addition to that, I'm terrified of developing another UTI or not fully recovering from this one, leading to sepsis.
And then I learn that globally, humanity may face yet another pandemic: a not-quite-Last of Us fungal pathogen, Candida auris. And we're not even done with the tridemic of the flu, RSV, and COVID!
COVID, yet another fear I have as I return to work from my extended break, in which patrons coming in are coming in maskless and we don't know which ones are vaccinated and which aren't, and which are clear of COVID and which are carrying it and spreading it around without a fucking care in the world.
I am going to die.
Not at the ripe old age of 80, after a long life full of joys and sorrows, achievements accomplished on the mountains of failures and mistakes, where I can watch my final sunset on the porch and take a breath of relief that I am finally done with living. I am going to die before I even turn 30, where life supposedly truly begin.
I am going to die because I live in a world full of selfish idiots, many of them MAGA or MAGA-adjacent, who rally against mandates because they foolishly believe that public health is an infringement of rights (but are perfectly fine with forcing people to have babies they can't have or don't want, even though abortions don't affect them.) or believe in that frou-frou New Age natural immunity and essential oils bullshit. I am going to die because mandates are dropping all over the states and I live among antivax idiots who let COVID spread and mutate even beyond the capabilities of vaccines (facilitating a need for boosters every goddamn half-year) and are willing to let children drop dead in schools of this and many other preventable diseases as long as they own da libs. I've been vaccinated, and was infected with thankfully mild COVID symptoms, and have even boosted, but I still fear developing Long COVID or a reinfection, especially after my recent UTI diagnosis and the fears of my antibiotics' side effects.
I live among self-centered and blind fools who don't care about the extreme climate change that will worsen global diseases (like the Candida auris) and leave a destroyed world for future generations (future generations that they are trying to force people with unwanted pregnancies to birth), so long as they can make a weekly paycheck at their gas and coal jobs and, once again, put a stop to "liberal agendas".
This is a world where we have or are developing technology that can make vaccines to prevent infection from many of the world's pathogens, but we had hardly reached an nth of that potential because greedily high profits from all of the industries, not just pharmaceutical, have to be protected, even at the expense of poorer people's health and very lives.
I am going to die because I live alone with only a pet to comfort me, and I am going to die tired and broken and confused.
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003.
COVID
How is Covid where you live? It's been rampant here lately. Pretty much everyone I know has had it recently, even people who I figured would never end up having it. I'm not sure about the statistics themselves but it's definitely been going around again
Are you having a food shortage crisis due to drivers having covid and unable to work? Not that I'm aware of
Are you using check in QR codes or filling in manual check ins everywhere you go? I'm not sure what this is referring to
Are you washing your hands/using sanitizer when you can? Yes, I am obsessive about hand washing/sanitizing
What is one thing about covid that is driving you insane? That is just keeps coming back. I know it'll become endemic and we'll have to deal with it forever but I'm tired of it
Are you sick of everyone talking about covid? No one really talks about it like that anymore
Do you find you clash with anyone when discussing covid? Yes. My grandma doesn't believe it's real, I'm pretty sure, and my mom is really lax about masking so we get into it sometimes
What are your thoughts on the vaccinations and boosters? Necessary
What has covid taken from you or prevented? I'm strictly work from home now because of COVID, 3 years later, and it's so isolating
Do you know anyone that has covid? how are they doing? Currently? I think my friend has it but she was never diagnosed. She has the exact same symptoms I had though. I just recovered from my first round of COVID ever a week ago
LIFE
How is life for you right now? It's stressful
Are you Okay? Okay is pushing it but sure
What is impacting your life the most right now? Work
What is something positive that has happened to you recently? I don't know... I guess I got my writing groove back?
Any goals for 2022? It's 2023 now but yeah, I have some I guess. Mainly, find a new fucking job because my bosses are micromanagers who can't decide on what they want ever
Did you make any new year resolutions? No
Seeing many friends through the pandemic? Always
Are you studying? No, but honestly? I'd like to go back to school and do another degree program
Are you working? Unfortunately
Any new hobbies? No
FRIENDS
Who is your best friend? K, D, C
How long have you been friends? All between 11-14 years
What is something about them that makes you smile? K's sense of humor, D's sass, C's loving nature
Have they ever supported you through something major? Yes, always
Tell me a memory of you both together? K's wedding featured all 3 of us, but I have some great memories of each individually too!
Ever travelled together? K and I have. I don't think D or C and I have ever traveled together – at least not very far
Do you share similar interests? K and I do. D and C are a little less similar but we still share some interests
One band or artist you both enjoy? Lord, I don't even know
One hobby you both enjoy? K and I both love writing!
What is something you disagree on? I honestly couldn't tell you
Name a movie you both love. I don't know, man
Name a television show you both enjoy? ^
Any nicknames for each other? Oh yeah, we've all got nicknames for the others 😂
PARTNER
Do you have a partner? Yes
Where Did You Meet? In a Zoom meeting, funnily enough
Who made the first move? He did. He was such a flirt
Have you or have they said ‘I Love You’? Yes
Do you get bored in a long term relationship? No
Much drama in your relationship? We've had maybe more than most but not too too much
Are they loyal and loving? Yes
Name 3 things you have in common: We both love to cook, we both have traumatic childhoods, and our sex drives and kinks match so well
RANDOM
Where are you from? The US
If you could travel ANYWHERE right now, money wasn’t a barrier, where would you go and why? I'd travel all of Europe
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(Not) Sticking the Landing - The end of 2022 in Review
**Edit from this morning: I started this yesterday when everything was fresh, but now that I have had time to reflect, I want to make sure I get my thoughts out there before the year officially ends at midnight. **
I am not sure I am in the right head space to be making this post, but since everything is fresh in my mind, I just want to put it out there.
This holiday season was not as cheery and bright as I wanted i to bet. I came down with COVID 19 after nearly three years of avoiding it. It all started the week before Christmas. I have mostly recovered from it (nearly two weeks later) and it was not a joke. I just felt really upset throughout the whole thing: I followed the rules, I masked up, I had gotten a booster and flu vaccine this past September, and yet I still contracted the virus. I believe I was the only one to get sick from my group (if I can accurately pinpoint where I believe I contracted it from). I had to miss our annual family gathering for both Christmas and New Year's because of this (and not wanting to get our family sick). I just hope I feel 100% soon. I was disappointed as I wanted to get some stuff done and see my family for the holidays. But we made it work regardless. Our Christmas was still full of smiles, hot chocolate, and Christmas movies galore. Even with COVID, I enjoyed my holidays with my loved ones (my husband and Lucy, our adorable dog).
Then the big one; the bang to end my 2022. For context, I finally sold my old Honda Element. For those that knew me, I loved that car. I finally decided to upgrade to a new car. Not even two months after I finally got everything sorted, my car was the victim of a an attempted hit and run in our grocery store parking lot. I had a guardian angel watching over me that day, as I was not in the car (I was grocery shopping at the time) but a key witness saw everything and brought the man who hit my car inside to confront me. To tell you the truth, I was, and still am, shaken about the whole event. I was in absolutely shock. When they called my car information over the loud speaker, I seriously hoped that it wasn't me or that my car had only gotten broken into (which I was used to). I just stood there, I tried to stay composed and gather as much information as possible. I went through a wild ride of emotions: shock, anger, sadness, stress and anxiety. And of course, on a holiday weekend, there is only so much power and answers I can received at this time. I have an amazing support system and have gotten so much advice and answers thus far. I just hope that I can move on from this and begin my 2023 on a much better foot than what I landed on.
Happy New Year all <3
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obviously with a degree in science i’m not an antivaxxer by any means i am very pro vaxx and i’m trying to get my flu shot soon.
i just know that, here in the US, most people who have been caught up on their vaccinations do not want to spend 2 days sick for a third or fourth or even fifth time with yet another covid vaccine. those things were not pleasant to get with the sickness they brought. ESPECIALLY now that workplaces are giving zero accommodation and pretending like covid does not exist, so you won’t be getting any paid time off (or enough time off to recover from contagion in general) ESPECIALLY after getting sick each time after each vaccine THEN many of us despite masking and maximizing our safety still caught covid from those who didn’t give a shit, and had to deal with the real sickness after the idea was pushed that the og vaxx + booster were more effective “prevention”. ESPECIALLY when there is no effort to prove that these New Vaccines are going to do anything different other than the same “well you won’t die from it” - we can’t fucking afford to get sick either way, so clearly the best option for most of us is to wait til it happens and deal with the consequences. maybe i’m selfish but i’m not looking to spend a fifth time fighting covid symptoms on my only days off to recharge because the responsibility is still being placed on the individual when this pandemic is clearly a governmental failure.
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