#i am just in so much pain right now
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They weren't lying, that pain sure is chronic
#i'll delete this later probably#i am just in so much pain right now#it has been significantly worse than usual this week#but right now it's#it hurts to walk#it hurts to stand#it hurts to sit down#it hurts to lay down#i've been dealing with this since 2019 and it was more manageable until it started getting progressively worse in 2021? 2022?#hard to think accurately right now#anyway i've been extremely reluctant about even acknowledging it as chronic pain because 'other people have more pain i think'#'i can still walk fine' thorn you are limping 24/7 now and it's painful that's probably not walking fine#i don't exactly like going to the doctors but i'm hoping to get an appointment with my gp next week#because if i carry on like this then it is going to get worse and worse#i can't not know what this is anymore because i really need some form of help for whatever it is#thorn talks
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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I have a lot of leftover drawings in my gallery. [Blank Scripts AU]
[Content Warning: Images below contain Gore, Death, and Disturbing/Uncomfortable Imagery]
I find it a bit cute knowing they start out as crazy and then slowly settle into something calmer and relatively healthier after learning to adapt to each other's lust-turned-love. [Stanley did it first but hey :3]
#tsp blank scripts au#they love each other [genuinely] theyd rather die if theyre to go without each other by this point#hhmmm I hope the last few images arent too damning#These two go through a lot during the progression of their relationship#and I wanted to showcase that yknow?#theyre demented but theyre just perfect for each other kind of way#lovingly tearing each other apart and rebuilding each other to do it over and over again#repeating this dull process of endings over and over and finding ways to keep themselves entertained#this place was never even meant to be fun#but now that theyve gotten entangled with each other#they cant help but want to play around#even if its just for a little bit?#work can continue later right?#they love each other a little bit too much they actually need to be put in a separate cage#like a spider and a praying mantis#is it painful? yes. is it fun? also yes. do they like doing it only to each other and nobody else? YES.#their psych is genuinely so fun to explore and dissect#I had a lot of fun making these despite how deranged they look#something about them.... it drives both to do things they would never even consider doing to anybody else... but towards each other#you know what i mean? or am i just yapping nonsense again.#horror#the stanley parable#the stanley parable ultra deluxe#tsp#tspud#tsp au#tsp narrator#narrator tsp#stanley tsp#tsp stanley
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The gang’s all here!! They’re on the case!! And there’s no ghost that they wouldn’t chase!!!!!
@mysticalcats’s Foxglove, @toki-toro’s Chaumet, @emimii’s Clownaire, and my own Bluebelle :)
#this was indeed the project I was working on lmao#WHY DID THIS TAKE 17 BILLION YEARSSSSSS#I actually rly like how the actual paint turned out#ESPECIALLY FOR FOXGLOVE SQUEEEEE#he looks so cute….and I got all the colors mixed for Chaumet#watercolor oc painting: 1#back paint neck pain headache pain: 0#no but sketching this took such! a long! time!#I just straight up could not get foxglove and bluebelle right it was maddening#but I persisted and I beat the odds‼️‼️ Yipee‼️‼️#I love all of these guys so so so much I’ll prolly never stop thinking about them#please never stop talking about your ocs ever#and I am working on being coherent about Bluebelle as we speak!!!!#I got an idea and now I’m trying to make my brain not be mean about it#literally just chanting to myself ‘YOU! CAN MAKE! IT AS WEIRD!! AS! YOU WANT!!!’#shoutout to my fairytales throughout that ages book for inspiring me#100 points and a drawing of your choice if you can figure out the story Bluebelle’s backstory is based on lmao#ANYHOW#I just be rambling in these tags I perhaps need to calm down lol#I LOVE YALLS OCS FOREVER AND EVER!!!!#clownaire was literally perfect from the start I NAILED his pose first try and then he was very supportive the rest of the way through#live laugh love 🫶🫶🫶💐💐💐🩰🩰🩰#next up: Jemima painting!! with two special guests!!!#oh shit those are a lot of tags uhhhh I’m done now i promise 🫶🫶#cats the musical#cats musical#cats oc#jellicle oc#sorah’s silly scribbles#(also the text right under the drawing are a Scooby doo song LMAO it’s called Dig It Scooby Doo it’s insanely catchy)
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#i feel like my presence here has narrowed so much because my life has narrowed so much to encompass mostly pain and frustration#with the medical system and disability and the state of my fucking country#and the occasional highlight of my cats#i can't work on my art#it's agonizing to even try and i wind up crying#and it's because this horseshit rigged system has ripped the safety out of it#i might as well give my work away for free since they want to take 100% of my earnings out of my check#which like i am not even remotely opposed to giving my work away (would prefer even) but we need the money and i'm not allowed to keep it#i don't know#my life is just so small right now and i don't know how to find meaning again in a world that keeps so much of what i love away from me#it's a slog and every day is the same#and nothing i do feels meaningful#except holding my cats and being with my boyfriend#and that's about all i can do.
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RealAgeAU Drabble - Gameplan
Hello! Another Drabble (second one i wrote) concerning the idea of Nightmare returning to his original form (Lovely Prompt idea by @spotaus )
First Drabble here
Prev drabble here
Next Drabble here
Warning, unedited and unbeta'ed. We die like my ability to spell anything.
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Cross checks around the corner towards the street and waits for a moment longer before nodding "I think we are in the clear. We can talk here for a moment."
Killer just lounges back against a dumpster as he pants "Good! Cuz! I am not walking another step!"
Horror frowns as he searches his backpack. Slowly taking out some fruits "We need to stop this. We can't get the resources we need like this."
Cross groans as he rubs his face "I know I know. But we can't just settle anywhere! How do we explain..." He stops and slowly turns to look to the side at Dust.
Dust sits completely calm on the gorund, cross legged. Looking perfectly calm and content. With the still struggling Nightmare in his arms. Dust just sits there and looks at Nightmare with a raised brow and moves around a bit. Easily getting Nightmare to sit back in his lap with one of Dust's arm holding Nightmare around the middle wiht both arms trapped. And the second arm around his shoulders to pull him back easily. Nightmare looks grumpy beyond believe and Cross can't take it too seriously as Nightmare lost all his goop and corruption. All that remains is a perfectly normal and adorable tiny babybones.
Cross turns back to Horror and Killer and waits.
Horror looks at the scene before shrugging before turning back to prepare a snack for their now tiny charge. Looking calm as he moves.
Killer snorts "Why would we? Boss is tiny now. So what?" and he shrugs.
Cross groans as he rubs his face. He can admit that he will still need some time to get used to the change. But it is okay as he can accept it. After they found the old picture book and the just as old crown they had been putting together what actually happened. And well, even if they sometimes act dumb three out of four of them have university degrees of some type and Cross had always been one of the smartest soldiers.
That together with the known fact that Drema broke out of the stone young but grew up made the fact obvious.
It wasn't that they were in a situation of Nightmare having been deaged. They were in the situation that the Nightmare they had known had been an aged-up version of the real nightmare. Which is the very same grumpy babybones that Dust is holding right now.
Yeah. Cross just needs a bit more time.
Cross glares at Killer and focusses at the issue they need to actually fix "We know that!" he waves around them "But how do you think anyone is going to react to knowing we have Nightmare and that Nightmare is well... like this again?"
Killer hums and nods "I guess..." he turns towards Nightmare "How about a different name? What do you think Nighty? What can we call you?"
Nightmare glares with all his six year old force "Boss."
Killer snorts "got it tiny boss!" and he grins at Cross and shrugs "Guess that idea is a burst. anything else?".
Cross groans as he rubs his skull "don't you see the issue?! If anyone finds out about this they will try to take him from us and bring him to the Stars, if they don't just call the Stars!" Or worse. And they will think that killing Nightmare would be a reasonable solution to keeping him from aging up.
Killer actually glares as he radiates his blood- and LOVE-lust "Let them try."
Cross sighs as he rubs his face "what do you suggest we do?!"
Killer huffs "Obviously we do what we are doing now. We keep moving and universe hopping." and he nods.
Horror looks up with a frown "We can't do that. We will run out of resources. babybones need nutrients" as he says this he sits by Dust and Nightmare with the cut fruits. Nightmare focuses his full glare on Horror but Horror doesn't even blink. They have gotten used to this routine over the last few days and there is a good reason Dust and Horror do it.
Dust nods as he helps Horror by aiming the still struggling babybones "Not to forget his schooling. Now that he is young again he will need to relearn things. Can't do that while hopping from place to place."
Cross turns back to Killer and crosses his arms "See? horror and Dust agree."
Killer grumbles. "Fine! We find some stupid positive universe to hunker down in some abandoned building and do raids to get stuff. Easy!"
Cross crosses his arms "Still the problem of what we do if someone sees him. How do we explain that? people will think we stole him!"
Killer goes to speak. pauses and tilts his skull "I mean. Technically we did kind of steal him. Sure he was originally our boss, so ours. So we have the right to steal him again but still. Very much stolen."
Cross sputters "I! I wasn't serious!" well he was but not about the stolen comment!
Horror speaks up even as he feeds Nightmare, which Ngihtmare tries to fight but Dust is there to assist him. "Technically it wasn't stealing."
Cross sighs "Thank you Horror-"
"We kidnaped him." Horror finishes his statement as he manages to get Nightmare to eat a bit. Nightmare actually pauses and the stubbornness makes way for the much younger mind that enjoys the food and a tiny soft purr starts to leave the babybones. He doesn't struggle as much anymore as the second bite is brought over.
Cross stops and lets his skull fall into his hands "we are so fucked."
All three speak up "Language."
Cross groans louder. They are so fucked.
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Prev part.
Next part.
#RealAgeAU#utmv#fanfic#drabble#deaged nightmare#bad sanses#That moment when your old boss gets transformed into a child so you forcefully adopt him instead#found family twice over lets go#What are the four to each other here?#maybe poly? maybe friends?#Somewhere in between?#Hell they don't even know. They just know they are struggling#Nightmare still has his memories.#But also his mind and body both returned to his real age which is six#without the extra powerups and with all the real fear and pain from his past abuse#He is not going to be an easy babybones#Do I need to tag all of them? Probably right?#I will just not do it for now. I am sure it is fine.#Yes also Nightmare is goopless and just Baby. Which is why he has been promoted (demoted) to babybones#Nightmare has a lot of large feelings now and can't process them all so he is also struggling#Not as much as his gang members though but still struggling
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open the actual image in a new tab for the full quality
on a day cycle when your friend has unusually bad pain, clearly the best thing to do is to share a gigantic centipede corpse with them, or so i assume the rivulet would think. the spearmaster might not have been quite expecting a gigantic centipede, but i'm sure they appreciate it anyway
(to clarify, the one word of sign language there in panel 2 is in british sign language, not asl)
...yeah there's no particular meaning to anything in this further than what's shown. just felt like drawing it
#rain world#rain world downpour#i was originally going to add colours but... i am also in pain right now#also yeah the centipede pictured was intended to be the `pursuer` expo centipede but i was just drawing it from memory#so it... doesn't look as much like a rw centipede#art#digital art#drawing#digital drawing
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i think what hits most about nobara's backstory is everything that's left unsaid and peaks from between the lines. it's the fact you can easily infer that something was wrong without ever having clear answers on what exactly was wrong. but if you can relate to the feeling of wanting to escape a place and the alienation from everyone around you, especially when you're brought up in small communities, then you can certainly understand, if not fully then partially, nobara herself and the struggles she might have had to face all by herself for a very long time; maybe even the importance fumi and saori had in her life and the pain from having to part from them; and, perhaps the selectiveness in letting people in that she later on develops as well.
#the way her story is told from fumi's point of view is quite interesting#nobara's backstory is like a silent whisper without a lot of obvious context and told from someone else's perspective#someone who until the end never really understood her fully despite their obvious close bond#someone who we weren't even aware was part of her life#and nobara's peak emotional moment and the last person she thinks as her life is in danger is her and the promise she didn't accomplish#a promise to reunite with the friends that shaped her and her life#ah.#i find her last line so... powerful?#she definitely struggled growing up and the only two people she kept in her heart from her life before jujutsu were people that#moved to where she lived. saori didn't even stay in that place for long. and then she moves somewhere new and she meets people#and a group that actually feels like home a community where she fits in and suddenly they kind of break through making place in her heart#just for everything to come to a halt. to turn to shit. for her to see that shatter away little by little. and in the end she's put in a#position where she knows she will not be able to hold on to what she cares for the most. that she will hurt people that truly cared for her#for not being able to go back to fumi and rekindle the friendship with saori and for being forced to be another punch in the guts for yuuji#and everyone else that up until that point were forced to go through losses already and traumatic events#and she decides to encourage yuuji to go on a good note and she truly believes the people she met made it worth it#even if it was for a brief moment in her life#i am not being coherent right now but it pains me :')#she deserved so much better#and i will hang on tightly to the line saying that she had a small chance of survival until the end#because she deserves it she deserves to live 😭#i'm taking her from that stupid anime and putting her in a slice of life anime watch me#yuuji too. and everyone else. i'm taking the kaisen out of the jujutsu and you can't stop me#jjk spoilers#nobara kugisaki#jujutsu kaisen#jjk 💭#my post
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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Replaying Sherlock Holmes: The Awakened and STILL so utterly fucked up that we DO see Jon in this game, but it's. DOWN THERE. on the THING. all. LIKE THAT. Like thanks, they could not have stabbed me in the heart any more effectively unless they Actually did that
(AND THEN WATSON. HEARING "JON!" AND THINKING SHERLOCK IS CALLING FOR HIM i think that was the moment when my brain made the Switch from 'loves this thing intensely' to 'IS COMPLETELY FUCKING ABNORMAL ABOUT THIS THING AND *THEM* OH GOD OH GOD'
#sherlock holmes chapter one#sherlock holmes the awakened#frogwares#frogwares sherlock#IM JUSt. STILL. SO FUCKING UNDONE#ITS SO GOOD AND I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN#and then this followed by watsons story on the train I LOVE HIM SO MUCH#IM SO FUCKING NORMAL RIGHT NOW
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maybe i need meds???
#knocks on skull like GOD CAN YOU JUST FUCKING EMOTIONALLY REGULATE I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD#been swinging wildly between 'i need help' & 'im faking it' every single HOUR#the thing is. and this is the thing. my life right now is as close to perfect as i'll ever get there is literally nothing wrong#im MEANT to be HAPPY why am i UNSTABLE#im thinking meds maybe but also it's just such a pain#to book a drs appt to get put on a mental health plan to be put on a waiting list for a shrink then convince said shrink that I need meds#sounds painful#don't think I can do it...#but. ive booked a drs appt so baby steps.#but see like I booked it on wed bc I was very much going to have a breakdown at my desk then immediately felt silly on thurs morning bc#I felt fine??? then hours later I was like no. not fine actually#im going to fucking chuck#hex.txt#personal#personal posts are only on this blog bc u guys are more used to hearing me blabber bullshit than my main#does anyone wanna tell me some good news or something nice happening in their life
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What can you even say to this?
TWs for death, child death, blood, and things of that nature. I’m not sure what other tags would help
#There are so many stories here so many tragedies some I didn’t hear about before now and some that have stayed with me.#i think about Reem when I try to sleep#And I have to do the little I can and continue to live while there’s so much happening daily#every second another life is lost and when we are crying out for the world to see their humanity they go aww :( so sorry we must kill them#i am in a warm bed and they are not#i have food and they do not#i am safe and they are not#my friends are alive and theirs are not#my family can find me and they don’t know where theirs is#i am not trying to make this about me but it’s like. living is a reminder that others aren’t even surviving#and when I ask what could possibly merit this kind of horror there’s no reason that makes sense#i feel like I’m going insane#i am donating i am boycotting i am buying secondhand at best#i spent my last bit of money on esims#i just. god why is there such suffering for a people who have done nothing but live why is there always pain for those just trying to live#why is it so hard to live quietly? why can’t we make things right right NOW#tw death#tw child death#free palestine
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i need to be on like mood stabilizers or something bc if i think about the percabeth content in the new ep for too long i get a little sick
#crunchyposts#pjo#pjotv#percabeth#as i type this i can feel myself getting a stomach ache no exaggeration dhjsfdsjklahfuidsakjfhdsjkfds#i love having big emotions but it gets painful so maybe i dont like it so much lol#when its not painful i love it#i mean this in a positive way btw i am a percabether forever like the big emotions get painful with all emotions lol#i also now realize idk jf this is the right context to use mood stabilizers but just like shoot an ask if this was wrong
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when I was getting my tattoo on Saturday my artist kept telling me like, "It's okay if you need to tap out, I won't be pissed or think less of you, we can come back to finish in another session," because honestly for this particular tattoo the pain was severe and about halfway through I started involuntarily cringing and squeezing the pillow I was laying on very hard and other such involuntary shows of how much pain I was in. (such as flinching hard when she had to wipe excess ink / blood / plasma away, because good god somehow the damp paper towel felt worse than the needle.)
but each time I refused. "the only way out is through," I said. nearer the end I said, "if you need to tap out though, I understand" because she had to put on a brace for her back because of the angle at which she had to be hunched over to finish the tattoo. but she didn't tap out either.
anyway I saw a meme with Shadow the Hedgehog that was like, "stop DMing me that 'are you ok' shit, obviously I'm not but we move" and my immediate thought was, "me @ my artist during my tattoo session on Saturday."
#i was under the needle for at least 5 hours#that's how much she charged me for but i was in the shop for about 8 hours#there were breaks in there so honestly it's a bit nebulous how much time she SHOULD have charged me for . . . but regardless#(i gave a generous tip dw)#part of the reason it hurt(s) so bad despite the location being one of the less painful locations to get a tattoo is that it was a cover-up#or like . . . i was changing the tattoo into something else is how i think about it#bc it was an unfinished tattoo that I had for like 10 years and i'm not that into the fandom anymore#among other reasons like it was a made up language (circular Gallifreyan) so who knows if it was even ''right''#so i just wanted it to be something different and more fitting for the adult i am now#versus the like . . . 22yo i was when i got the original one lmao#but anyway since it was going on top that required blackout work and also putting new ink on top of old ink which is difficult to do#so it was going over the same exact spot over and over and OVER again with the needle#which really really REALLY fucking hurt REALLY bad#and still feels like the worst sunburn imaginable tbqh#but we move. BUT WE MOVE.#Stay Determined etc#(i stayed determined all right. i was NOT tapping out. I DO NOT TAP OUT DO YOU HEAR ME)#anyway
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smoking a sativa strain while drinking my coffee for a special feeling I like to call AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#i am all but physically running 30mph in a cross-country race right now#I wanna smoke an indica to calm myself down but then I'll crash from the coffee 5x harder#i thought the sativa would just help with my lethargy#oh yeah it sure did! it did work! yes! but also now I have WAY TOO MUCH energy and I'm in too much pain to get it out#weed usually really helps my anxiety but this sativa strain is STRONG and has me nervous af#this is the first time since I was a teenager where I'm actually like ''oh fuck I smoked too much'' AND I DIDN'T SMOKE MUCH#i've been a daily stoner for 12 years but shit like this never happens to me#even w sativa strains i've had in the past#it's from the dispensary so it's not like it's laced or anything#.bdo
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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:
#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate#so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou#i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh#compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol#i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig#my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa#i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you#tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao#so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol#but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though#either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane#i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee
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