#i am going to die at 30
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me: I really need to take better care of myself, physical health is just as important as mental health and the two rely on each other
me, opening my 3rd energy drink of the day: Yippee! Yay! :3 :3 :3 Yaaaaaay!
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babpy.
#pizza tower#peppino#arts#mine#happy pride; heres a little otter for u#hes like very early 20s here#happy and unbothered before the Horrors happened#it is NOT his 30s bc he needs to exude raw dilf energy by that point#but for now he is anxious and sweet and awkward#not that i dont draw him like that already but its like 10x here#its PALPABLE#okay mwah i will hopefully come back w more than just sketches that mean nothing skjfsdjkfdhfhsk#i have LITERALLY been on this commission for WEEKS i need someone to take me out back and put me out of my misery i swear#im going to finish the lines TODAY like i cant be this person i cant keep coming back to this fucking comm w no progress ill simply Die#its like singlehandedly preventing me from doing anything else; its making a mental block waaaaaaaau#but i feel like i am breaking through it today. at least i HOPE i am sdkjfsdjkfjsdkf#um if u are still here ilu. send me some anons; i want to be chatty but the messages i have feel like i need to respond w essays#and i literally. cannot.#at least until i get my head screwed on properly again
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the angelic lighting in these is KILLING me
#the fact that theres enough stuff to make TWO gifposts of him from a fucking sprint shootout is insane#what is in the air at brazil ib my god 😵💫😵💫🫠😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫#actually like horribly unwell over these and him this weekend in general#HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL???????#like the lighting on his hair is just....UGHHHHHHHHHH yknow???? its so fluffy my god.....#these were taken a mere 30 mins before he clocked esteban in the stewards room#okay yeah...see you for the sprint...#if they show anymore of him lik ethis i actually am going to die#fernando alonso#f1#formula 1#2023 brazilian gp#we do a little bit of f1
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Not to be shippy on main but why does everyone go in for tsundere fx and "nuisance to society" jy when their every interaction screams the opposite. Fx is logical and realistic enough to be more than well-acquainted with how she feels and is extremely devoted to her work (and subsequently the general) and on the opposite hand jy is incredibly selfless and caring towards her (literally the first time they met he told her he'd take the blame when she suggested they frickin commit a war crime in order to win the Abundance War). Like yeah teasy jy is amusing or whatever but realistically that wouldn't be in the droves y'all think it would and fx would probably laugh at it the few times it might happen more than she'd get all tsundere-y about it
She's not emotional. That's the difference. She doesn't have emotional outbursts. She's extremely calm and rational and she's dealt with jy for more than long enough to become extremely used to his antics and she wouldn't take them nearly so seriously.
They're PINERS. They're pining and it's obvious. They watch each other from across the room when they think the other isn't looking and they leave each other nice little notes at work because both of them overwork themselves and need breaks. I am COOKING here
#honkai star rail#jingfu#hsr jing yuan#hsr fu xuan#i am so wise for this#fu xuan is 100% a secret hopeless romantic and i will die on this hill#jing yuan is also the type to literally never shut up about it if they got married#he wouldn't go two seconds without “did i tell you that's my wife”#yukong resists the urge to put an arrow in his skull but she's nice about it#i also like the idea that while the two of them are eternally denying everything the entirety of the luofu is on pins and needles#every single person on that blasted ship is glaringly aware and they're just waiting at this point#when something inevitably happens everybody's frickin ecstatic because jeesh it only took y'all 30 literal years#i wasn't gonna post this but then i remembered that i told myself 2024 would be the year i stopped giving a crap#expect me to fly off the handle a little in this year of our Lord#shy i'm sorry in advance
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the real funniest thing about journal 3 is that ford is absolutely positively UNHINGED the whole time and dipper really read this thing and still fanboyed over ford
#i mean i fanboy over ford too so i can't judge dipper too harshly#but still!#gravity falls#journal 3#stanford pines#ford pines#dipper pines#ford in the journal: I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 507 HOURS AND AM GOING TO DIE OF EXHAUSTION.#dipper reading it 30 years later: omg so true bestie
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younger butch (idiot)/older femme (into that) is like S tier combo to me
also some little things that i liked + alt sweetheart thoughts under the cut:
#hotline miami#alex davis hlm#sweetheart hlm#candy swans#trashcan's art#for the record i am 100% saying that alex is into older women LOL#not necessarily saying milfs bc i don't think sweetheart has kids (i think she's around like mid to late 30s vs alex who's mid 20s)#also my hc for sweetheart's name is diane! but she's genuinely just rly friendly and kind so ppl just call her sweetheart#this is probably. idk some time after into the pit? and def before death wish. obviously.#and unlike jack/ash sweetheart doesn't kno abt the vigilante stuff at all. nor does alex want to tell her abt it#smth smth angst where alex n sweetheart were supposed to go on another date but bc all the fans die they never got a chance to#and up until miami getting blown up sweetheart is just rly sad and confused bc she never knew why#tee hee#anyways that's enough outta me <3
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my anxiety about traveling to finland is starting to drive me insane how am i supposed to do this 😭
#like i WILL go#but i'll die at least 30 times until i finally meet my friends and am checked in at the hotel
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It's difficult to trust Tumblr suggestions when two of the latest shows everyone here has recommended as masterpieces felt like ehh to me. Like yeah it's great to have adult animation and those are pretty to look at but can we have a story that actually isn't fetishizing a culture or trauma porn ? Can we have actually well written characters ? Like can I fucking have at least two dimensional characters and a world that makes sense please ??
#this is @ blue eyes samurai which was boring as hell and also super weird regarding japan and scavreign#scavreign doing a thing that i HATE which is going ''ooohhh look how clever a show i am i am sooo clever'' and then not actually being#clever or about the thing it says it is. it is NOT an ecosystem study#tbh anime wise i also dont trust twitter because as pretty as the animation for demon slayer was the story very quickly started not going#forward at all and the characters are also verryyyy one dimensional + terrible way to up the stakes just kicks you out of it after the thir#time everyone should die and then does by magic. but im kinder to it because i am not the primary audience. the primary audience is teenage#boys#samurai and scavreign do not have that excuse i *am* the primary audience 20-30 weeb nerd.#blue eyes samurai is treating feudal japan the way nationalist japanese treat feudal joseon if that makes sense#like total dehumanization ''it's a horrid violent place where everyone is poor and stupid'' cmon now#yes i am being a certified hater tonight
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Some fucking ghouls on twitter just misgendered me and called me a chaser and a cross dresser and an agamp because I have an nsfw account where I retweet porn. Why do these kinds of people exist? Why are there trans women that just love acting exactly like terfs? I am so fucking tired of this shit and I'm not out to anyone irl so I have fucking no one to talk to about this! I'm not a docile little house cat so that gives people a free pass to paint me as a predator
#safe to rb#god i want to kill someone#i want to claw my bearded face off#i fucking hate how there is nothing i can do here. nothing i say to these freaks will phase them or make them regret their actions#these fucking bullies#GOD#if you have ever in your entire life called someone an agamp or a passoid or a theyfab or an autogynephile or a luckshit or a transtrender#or any of the other assanign bullshit terms coined by irony poisoned 4channers that passionately hate trans people despite being one#die. rot in hell. block me. go live in the woods alone for 30 years until you learn how to be anything other than a hateful little demon#i am not joking. if you have ever been this kind of person and you are anything other than deeply apologetic and guilt ridden and regretful#then leave me alone. go away you fucking husk of a human#rambles#tw self harm ment#tw suicide ment#ask to tag#btw im not even gonna do the ''oh pwease dont harass these people'' shit if you are able and willing please torment these evil bastards
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im CRAAAAZZZYYYY im FUCKING INSANE!!!!!! i’m a cycle path….. HHHHHHHFDRRRRRRRHHHHHGHHHH
#me.txt#IM SO FUCKED RN#IM IN THAT HORRIBLE STAGE OF A NEW HYPERFIXATION FORMING WHERE ITS ALL I CAN THINK AND ALL I CAN TALK ABOUT AND ALL I CAN SEE#which happens to be the VERY ANNOYING STAGE in which i am VERY ANNOYING towards EVERYONE AROUND ME because i wont SHUT UP!!!!!!#talking about anything that isnt isat for more than 30 seconds without bringing it up somehow is like PULLING TEETH to me right now#and my friends are already starting to get sick of and weirded out by it#and i dont want to keep randomly bringing it yp and being annoying but I CANT NOT DO THAT!!!#IT FEELS LIKE MY SYOMACH IS FULL OF BEES WHEN I TRY!!!! MORESO THAN USUAL!!!!!!!!#and its not like i can go on a reblog spree or talk to anyone else about it#BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH THE GAME!!!!#AND IM ALREADY THIS SICK IN THE HEAD!!!!! BUT I CANNOT LET MYSELF GET SPOILED!!!!!!!!#CANT keep talking about it to friends CANT go online for an outlet IM GOING TO DIE#I HAVE NO WAY TO SCRATCH THE ITCH IN MY BRAIN AT ALL AND IT KEEPS BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!#AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHRRRRAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#okay. im fine now. im normal. i can survive without bringing it up. i can do it. im brave#<- guy who is not normal and will not survive and is kinning siffrin so hard they feel sick
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......
Old man asernic
Funny thing actually
(sighs dreamily) Look at him... Old man Arsenic....... <- homosexual
#i am STILL extremely gay about that first drawing. hi. hi old man arsenic. hello hi. hi#also kjsdbvjosh ME SAYING HE WONT MAKE IT PAST 30 DOESNT MEAN 30 IS HIS EXPIRATION DATE he'll die way before that <:)#which im not sure is ever going to be canon but he's eternally 19 anyway so#the drawing is still funny though skdjgkjsdb#ask#xxl1ghtxx#arsenic#fanart#heart eyes... hi old man arsenic hiiii hi hii hi... hi old man arsenic hiiii#(with rizz)
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📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2
#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore#we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life#i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible#if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green#and later this year i think i might change my name#it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random#i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel#really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am#to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate#but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it#but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so#when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy#i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that#also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk.....#rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els#sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w#not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else#but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway#that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but#all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever#i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right?#i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not#im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help#it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning#nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my#feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions#i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary
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had to transfer my autoimmune meds from tbe usual pharmacy that i like to a different pharmacy that is bad. both are ethically bankrupt chain stores that overwork and underpay their staff so i'm not endorsing the pharmacy i like but i've been on hold with the bad pharmacy for 45 minutes.... twice in a row.... for a total of 90 minutes.... because after the first 45 minutes someone picked up the call and immediately hung it up without speaking to me.
#no hate to the staff who dont give a fuck because honestly who would.#respectfully tho i am trying not to die of lupus. please pick up my phone call i promise i'll be polite and itll last under 2 minutes.#anyway. gonna charge my phone a bit more and then fuckin. bus over there#bc it's literally faster to go all the way there on a 30 minute bus ride stand in a 45 minute line then bus back.#autoimmune tag
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Today’s line:
Am I going to put it under a cut for mild mouth whump because I am too tired to deal with tws? You bet.
“Fuck.” A gasp. “You.”
“Ah.” Clayton put the tip of a knife on Finnian’s lip, making him freeze. “Manners.”
He dragged the knife down, only nicking his upper lip, but splitting his lower lip in half. The taste of blood filled Finnian’s mouth, and he let his head hang low so he wouldn’t choke on it. He hoped his coughs would swallow his quiet sobs, wondering just how much pain this little blade could cause.
30 days 30 lines
#30 days 30 lines#23#a lot of pain :)#Manners says the guy currently busy turning my sweet boy into minced meat#So the CampNano I am absolutely not doing is going not too badly#I took today off because it was hot as fuck and I didn't want to die on my way home#so I got a couple of words down#In total I broke 10k for this month and 60k for the novel#Cautiously on track with my outline and deadline#I also have a shitton of open tag games but all my energy goes into not dying from heat#and getting words down#so uh... yeah... eventually yknow
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...
#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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wont lie im having a terrible fucking time with it! fuck applying for jobs what if i end it all instead
#its so fucking frustrating#all the application templates are so annoying the education system is different here so i cant even input my further education#like i have a cert IV in veterinary nursing but its not an option on any of the application form things like its not quite a degree#so i cant even put that i have any further education#and dont even get me started on the fact that my qualification means nothing here and i cant actually do the job i like and am trained to d#i have to pay 300usd just to get them to look at my course content and decide if my study is equivalent#and if its not and i have to do more study well then all of that was a waste since i cant study on my visa#like its not even worth it which sucks bc now i have to take min wage jobs instead despite knowing how to do a job that pays like 25-30/hr#and ive applied to so many fucking jobs and no one has gotten back to me yet i feel like crying#like i have savings im not going to die if i dont get a job instantly but having no income sucks so bad#and also just being at home with nothing to do is killing me like this is my first time being jobless since i was 15 and im strugglingggg#ugh anyways. anyone wanna hire me#p
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