Man it’s so annoying that I like my job bc the job itself is like fine or whatever but I really do love the people

with enough will and enough might

Summary:  “Friends don’t let friends fly home drunk, rookie.” Or Kyle Rayner gets drunk and calls Guy Gardner for a ride home.

AO3

Guy’s bleary, sleep riddled eyes stared at his phone for a few seconds before he even registered that it had been the thing that woke him up. His brain finally kicked in, but didn’t help to clear anything up because he didn’t know the number and there was no name popping up. The screen faded to black as the called ended, but something in the back of his mind was trying to convince him that the 818 area code was, heh, ringing a bell.

California? Maybe? It wasn’t Hal though. Not that he and Hal were really on speaking terms right now and they were more texters than phone calls at bullshit o’clock in the morning. There were a few others but he couldn’t think of anyone who would call him out of the blue like that, not if it wasn’t work related. Stewart’s contact would have popped up, and even so Jon and Hal would have contacted him through the rings if it was a real emergency. No one else would be bothering him this early except...

Shit. The new kid? Kirk? No. Kyle. Kyle Rayner. New Lantern who he had only met once with less than a month under his belt straight out of Kilowog’s boot camp. Jon had said something about giving him Guy’s number but he didn’t think that the kid would actually use it.

“Kyle?”

There was some fumbling with the phone on the other end, and it was a terrible connection, all hollow and echoing. “Mr. Gardner? Is that you?”

“Yeah. Call me Guy, rookie.”

“Thanks for calling me back.” The kid chirped, sounding way too chipper for being so late or early depending on which side of the bed you found yourself on. “I need… Damn it. This is embarrassing.”

“Dude, it’s 4:30 in the morning here. Spit it out.”

“You’re on the east coast? Fuck.” There was an awkward silence before the kid giggled. Was he drunk? “Sorry, I didn’t think about that. I wouldn’t hav-”

“But you did. Spit it out. You said something about embarrassing?”

“Yeah.” Kyle shuffled around again on his end, the echoing getting louder before tapering off. “I need a ride. I sort of need an adult.”

“Did you mistake me for Uber?” Guy sighed, because Kyle definitely sounded drunk and he already knew that he was going to have to get up and deal with this problem. “I’m pretty sure you are an adult.” He was, wasn’t he? He knew Kyle was young, but as far as he was aware he was an adult. Or at least adult enough to know how to call a cab.

“I can’t.” His voice got loud, the type of loud that only happens when someone is trying so desperately to be quiet and failing miserably. “I’m naked and in a playground and I’m not sure but tv shows have taught me that is illegal so I need help now and I definitely can’t call my mom or Alex. I need an adultier adult than me right now.”

“What kind of night are you having?”

“One where things escalate quickly. I was at a buddy’s for poker night and it went downhill from there. There was some karaoke involved.”

“Where’s your ring?”

“Out of juice and at home?”

“You are such a poozer, kid.” That got a snort out of the other end of the line and Guy sat up and swung his leg over the side of the bed, using the light from his ring to figure out where he had put his sweats. “Text me your address and give me ten minutes.”

“Thank you, Guy.” Kyle sounded relieved and before Guy had a chance to hang up, he quickly threw in, “and can you bring me some clothes?”

Eleven minutes later, Guy was suited up, across the country and floating on top of an unremarkable lonely playground in North Hollywood, with no sign of Kyle anywhere. He checked his phone to double check the pin drop that Kyle had sent him and he was in the right place. He did not have the patience to track down a tipsy nude acquaintance in the middle of the night so he was hoping that Rayner hadn’t just wandered off.

“Ring, find Kyle.”

“Green Lantern Kyle Rayner is hiding in the curly slide.”

“What? Why?”

His ring didn’t answer, apparently not very interested in Kyle’s rationale for being in the slide. Instead, Guy landed beside the play structure and pounded twice on the roof of the slide. “Wakey, wakey, Rayner.” There was some shuffling in the tube, a bit of groaning and then a topless Kyle Rayner popped out the top of the slide and shot Guy a goofy grin.

“Mr. Gardner!”

“Guy.” He leaned against the slide and looked up at the kid, drunk as a skunk, though nothing dangerous. He could see why he didn’t want to call his mom or girlfriend, but surely he had better options than a random work colleague who he didn’t even know at all. “Why’d you call me?”

“Something the other guys said.”

“They all think I’m a jerk.” That wasn’t exactly true. Hal definitely did, though the feeling was mutual so it didn’t bother Guy too much. “They aren’t exactly wrong.”

“Maybe.” Kyle shrugged, and Guy wondered what else they had said, though it couldn’t have been too bad if Kyle had still called him over them. Jon was off planet, but Hal was around. “But they all said that you were the guy to call if you needed help with something crazy, no questions asked.”

“I think that they may have been referring to something more life or death.”

“You haven’t met my mom. She’d kill me if she found out about this.” Kyle frowned, looking at Guy’s hands. “Did you bring clothes?”

“Nope.”

“What? You flew out here from the other side of the country in the middle of the night and didn’t bring any clothes? You are meeeeeean.” He dropped his forehead onto the slide entrance with a loud whump and moaned. Guy winced. The hangover tomorrow would not be pretty. “I regret every single one of my life choices.”

“Consider it a chance to learn a valuable lesson.”

“Don’t drink sambuca shots after midnight? I think I learned that one, thanks.”

“Rayner.” Kyle lifted his head to look at Guy with unsteady eyes. “Did you ever consider asking your ring to find you?”

“I can do that?”

“Maybe. It doesn’t work for everyone and they don’t teach you it on Oa because they aren’t big with work-life balance.” It varied from species to species. There were some, like the Earth Lanterns who had personal lives and other things going on, and then there were others who never took the rings off, a sacred calling until they die in battle. “Does your ring like you?”

“Yeah, I mean, I guess so.” Kyle’s face scrunched up as he thought about it before shrugging, eyes looking confused with the question. “How would I know?”

“You’d definitely know if it didn’t, so let’s assume that it does.” Guy’s ring had a tendency to be a jerk if he wasn’t focused enough on what he was doing and his wasn’t the worst that he had seen by far. “Picture it clearly in your mind where you left it and call it.”

“Ummm. Okay.” Kyle looked around the park, and then threw both arms in the air and yelled “RING!” at the top of his lungs, looking around as if he expected it to just magically appear in front of him.

Guy bent over laughing, big belly laughs until tears were streaming down his face, and he had to hold himself up on the slide until the fit subsided. “I meant in your head, but sure.” He wiped the moisture from his eyes, and caught his breath. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had laughed that hard. “Try again. Will it to come to you. Focus on it. Track its journey from here to here.”

“How do I know if its working?”

“You’ll feel it.” He raised an eyebrow and looked up at Kyle in the tube. “How badly do you want to not be naked right now?”

“I have never wanted anything more in my life.”

“Should be easy then. Will it to come to you.” he repeated. It wasn’t something everyone could do, but it was an easy enough concept. If he could wield the ring well enough to pass training, he understood what Guy was saying.

Kyle closed his eyes, breathing in slow and deep several times, before reaching out his hand to the east and waited.

And waited, nothing but some creaky swings moving in the playground.

“Kyle, I think you have to try again.”

“Shh. It’s coming.” As soon as he said it, Guy could see a green glow whip around the corner and join them in the playground, flying up the slide and settling on the new kid’s finger, uniform settling over his skin. Kyle whooped in glee in and slid down the slide to meet Guy at the bottom.

“Awesome! Thanks!” He held out a fist to Guy, who laughed and bumped it. “Aren’t you going to ask about why I was in the slide?”

“Nah. You were right I’m the guy you call when you need a no questions asked favour.” Guy didn’t really care why he was in the playground or where his clothes were gone; it was none of his business. “And now, you just have to remember that you owe me one. Let’s get you home, kid.” Guy pointed his ring at Kyle, green bubble surrounding him and they took off into the air.

“Take a left on Sunset.” Kyle said and then placed a hand on the construct around him. “Why am I in a bubble?”

“Because friends don’t let friends fly home drunk, rookie.”

It Couldn’t Wait Another Moment - Chapter 2

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC (Riley Liu)

Book: The Royal Romance (Canon Divergent from Book 2, Chapter 15)

Word Count: ~5200

Rating: PG-13 (minor strong language, innuendo) 

Summary: After declaring their love and making major decisions about what comes next for the two of them, Drake and Riley have to share their news with their closest friends. But how will Liam respond? And what will Maxwell and Hana have to say?

Author’s Note:  This series diverges from TRR canon, where instead of waiting to discuss his relationship with Riley until their last night in NYC, leaving her a note while Liam is proposing to her, Drake tackles this topic as soon as possible after Tariq makes his statement and Riley’s name is cleared. To catch up on this series, you can read the prologue and the first chapter (links in my masterlist, located in my bio).

Riley checked her phone for any texts or missed calls, but she had no new notifications. Trying to distract herself, she opened Pictagram and started scrolling through her feed, but she wasn’t really paying attention to anything. She was just too damn nervous. She went to her texts and opened the one Drake sent that morning.

Talked to Bastien. Meeting with Liam at 1. I’ll come get you.

That was the only contact they’d had since last night. Riley was trying not to be clingy. Drake had never been much of a texter, and this one didn’t give her any reason to believe he'd changed his mind. Still, her previous dating experiences taught her to be cautious. She didn’t think Drake would lie to her, but things he agreed to immediately after the first time they had sex might not seem like a great idea in the light of day. She kept thinking back to the way he rolled away from her as soon as he finished, the fact that he didn’t come back to her room with Maxwell later in the evening to actually invite her to Coney Island. Maxwell had been enthusiastic, but it struck her as odd that Drake didn’t join him. Was there some reason he hadn’t wanted to see her again?

Of course, the visit from Maxwell was at least pleasant. Liam had also swung by her room last night, which was a much more uncomfortable experience. About 20 minutes after Drake left, Riley was watching some TV. She was skimming through the channels when she heard a knock on the door. Hoping it was Drake coming by to sneak a little more time together, she was shocked when Liam was standing on the other side of the door. He greeted her warmly, the adoration clear in his eyes. He had come by under the pretense of congratulating her on her success with Tariq, but Riley had been so panicked that she barely processed his words. She kept looking back, wondering if Liam had noticed wild state of her bedding, with blankets and the duvet cover spilling onto the floor. When he asked if he might come in, all she could think of was the fact that she had no idea where the condom wrapper was. Claiming exhaustion from the two flights, she shooed him away, but not before he alluded to having much more he wanted to discuss with her over the coming few days.

Riley was anxious that Liam might have ended things with Madeleine this morning. Although Drake said that he wasn’t sure if Liam would still marry her, Riley thought it was far more likely that they would stay together. After all, he had told her on several occasions that he would be happy to keep her as a professional mistress if she never cleared her name. He saw that as a viable, although less than ideal alternative, but didn’t the fact that he was comfortable with such an arrangement mean that he was going to stay with Madeleine unless he could be with Riley openly? If he already called off the engagement, Riley knew the guilt would be even worse. Madeleine wasn’t her favorite person, but Liam shouldn’t make his decision based on incorrect assumptions. She hoped that he wouldn’t move too quickly on that front.

Three sharp knocks broke her train of thought. Taking a deep breath, she walked to the door. Opening it, there stood Drake, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes downcast, but snapping up to lock with hers in an instant. “Hey, Liu,” he greeted, but he made no move to touch her.

“Hey.” The silence between them was tense, uncomfortable. She hated it.

“You ready?”

“Yes. Are you?”

“I don’t know that I’ll ever feel ready.”

“Drake, if you don’t want to-”

“No, no, we need to do this now.”

“Okay,” Riley grabbed her bag and pulled the door to her suite closed. As she walked down the hallway with Drake, she watched him out of the corner of her eye. The tension was rolling off him in unbearable waves. At the elevators, she pushed the call button, unsure if he would be able to do it. As they waited for the elevator, she watched him. He was fidgeting, bouncing on the balls of his feet, rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand, completely avoiding eye contact with her.

Once they entered the elevator and the door closed, giving them some relative privacy, she reached out and grabbed his hand. She had to offer to stop things now, forget the whole thing. She couldn’t stand seeing him this miserable and knowing he was doing it for her sake. But before she could speak, Drake threaded their fingers together, gripping her hand so tightly it was nearly painful and turned to her, smiling with a small nod. “We’re gonna get through this. We’re gonna do this together,” she thought.

To Riley’s surprise, he continued to cling to her hand, even as the elevator doors opened, revealing the lobby. He led her briskly past the concierge and the front desk to the business center, which Liam was renting as his office for the trip, not letting go of her hand until they were right in front of the door. He paused for just a moment, then letting out a big sigh, he knocked three times.

“Come in.”

They entered side-by-side, leaving a larger space between them than usual by some unspoken agreement. Liam looked up from his laptop, eyes widening when he saw Riley there with Drake. “Lady Riley, I was unaware you would be joining us. What a lovely surprise!”

Riley saw Drake grimace at that. Trying to keep things light for as long as possible, she responded, “Yes, we thought it would be best to have this discussion with all three of us.”

“I have to confess I am at a loss as to what you two would wish to discuss with me. Is everything alright, Riley?”

“There’s nothing wrong. We wanted to talk about what comes next.”

Liam frowned at that, eyes darting between her and Drake, clearly trying to determine why Drake was involved in this conversation. Liam’s confusion oddly appeared to calm Drake somewhat, as he took a big breath before he said, “Liu and I talked last night. She’s going to stay here in New York.”

“What? Why wouldn’t you come back to Cordonia?”

“This is my home. This is where I belong,” she replied, unsure how to best continue. She had assumed they would tell Liam about the relationship first, but Drake had led with the move. They probably should have discussed a strategy before stumbling into the most uncomfortable meeting in history, but it was too late for that now.

“But I thought Cordonia had become your home! Riley, you belong there, with all your friends.”

“Not all her friends will be there. I’m leaving court, and I’m staying here with her, Liam.” Drake’s head turned towards her as he finished, nodding slightly and brushing his fingers against the back of her hand. With that touch, they both moved to thread their fingers together. Riley knew somewhere in the back of her mind that holding hands was a coward’s way of telling Liam they were together, but she couldn’t deny how nice it felt to face the rest of this conversation united.

“Drake, what the hell is going…” Liam trailed off, taking in the sight of them and putting the pieces together. He swallowed and took a breath before he continued on, “Oh, I understand.”

“Liam, I’m so sorry,” Riley said, “We didn’t mean for this to happen, for you to get hurt.”

Liam shook his head, a thin smile on his face that didn’t come close to reaching his eyes. “No need to apologize. I care deeply about both of you, and I am pleased my friends found happiness with each other.”

Drake frowned at that, “Liam, are you sure-”

“I insist that we treat this as the happy news that it clearly is for you both. Forgive me, but may I ask how long this has been going on?”

Riley looked at Drake, sure his wide eyes were a mirror of hers. How long had this been going on, really? It was only official since last night, but it would be mad dishonest to frame it that way. Since their first kiss at the Beaumont estate? Since he saved her from Tariq? Since they got tipsy in Olivia’s wine cellar? Was it better to let him know that the attraction was burning under the surface at the beginning, gradually growing into something more as they got to know each other? Or would hearing that hurt him more than needed?

“Uh, I guess you could say things really started when Liu returned to court,” Drake eventually replied.

“I suppose that’s a reasonable answer,” thought Riley. Liam paused at that response, his face showing no emotion. Riley had no idea if the fact that Drake just admitted to months of a relationship made things better or worse for Liam. The silence seemed to stretch for an eternity before he responded, “Thank you for telling me.”

No one seemed to know how to process that statement. It certainly didn’t make Liam’s emotional state any clearer to Riley. The three of them stood still, no one knowing what to say next. Riley felt like she should say more, either apologize profusely, or explain how much they struggled with their attraction initially, or reassure Liam that the moments she shared with him in the beginning were real and that she never meant to lead him on, but she didn’t know where to start. Drake wasn’t saying anything either. Eventually, Liam spoke again.

“Riley, would you mind terribly if I spoke with Drake alone for a few moments?”

“Er, no of course not.”

“Excellent, it shouldn’t take long.” He turned away from them at that, pulling out his phone. Riley looked at Drake, wondering why she was being dismissed. He gave her a small smile and nodded, running his thumb over the back of her hand.

“I’ll be right in the lobby when you guys are done, yeah?” she whispered.

“Okay, Liu.”

She squeezed his hand before letting go, walking to the door with one last look back at Drake before leaving him to handle whatever was between him and his best friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Liam turned around under the guise of checking his phone, giving Drake and Riley a moment of privacy. At least that’s how he hoped it appeared. Honestly, he needed a moment to collect himself. He never could have predicted that this is what Drake had wanted to talk to him about when Bastien had asked for a meeting on his behalf with no more details. Well, that was not completely true, as Drake leaving court was one possibility he considered. But leaving to be with Riley? Who he had apparently being seeing for months? The thought had never occurred to him.

When he heard the door open, he turned back to Drake, catching a glimpse of Riley giving Drake a cheeky wave goodbye. The way she looked at his friend caught Liam off guard all over again. He averted his eyes, feeling as if he had interrupted them kissing. “She never looked at me that way,” hissed a small voice in the back of his head, but he quickly shoved it aside. His personal feelings could be dealt with at a later time. For now, there were much more practical matters to be discussed.

As the door closed, Drake turned back to face Liam, a small smile quickly disappearing. “Liam, I’m so sorry. You have to know I fought this every step of the way, and I never thought she would choose to-”

Liam held up his hand, silencing Drake. “There is no need to apologize for falling for someone. You are my best friend, and I wish you all matters of happiness. If you have found that with Lady Riley, or rather just Riley, I am thrilled for the both of you.”

“But you cared for her. I should have never let-”

“Stop,” Liam ordered, much more formally than he normally would with just the two of them. Then again, Drake normally wouldn’t hold back like he just did, using the past tense, saying “cared for” instead of the far more accurate “love.” There was some unspoken agreement here to avoid the harshest of the realities. Forcing a smile, Liam continued, “I know you well enough to know that no harm was intended. I appreciate both of you taking the time to tell me about the nature of your relationship. But that is not the purpose of my wanting to speak to you alone. I thought you and I might go over some more practical details.”

Drake stared at him for a few moments, clearly trying to read his expression. But for the first time in years, Liam made sure his diplomatic mask up with him. Drake’s feelings were undoubtedly muddied by guilt. After all they had been through together over the years, the last thing Liam wanted to do was worsen that burden. So for now, he would keep his personal feelings to himself. Eventually, Drake stopped trying to read him. “What’s up?”

“First, I have to ask if there is a reason you and Riley are choosing not to return to Cordonia, other than my perceived discomfort. You two are certainly welcome to stay.”

“Riley is worried about how her life would look there, given her recent, er, media attention.”

“Ahh, she’s concerned about the optics of dating someone in my closest circle and how the press will react. I could easily find a job for her at court which should ease things. If you two stay in close contact with me, that should clearly demonstrate to the overly curious that there are no hard feelings and that we all remain friends.”

Drake shook his head. “You realize she hates most of the people at court, right?”

Liam hadn’t known that, but it was just one more item to add to the list of things he didn’t know about Riley Liu, the woman he thought he was going to marry up until the last 20 minutes, and it was far less shocking than the fact that she preferred Drake to him. “You also hate most of my court, but you’ve been happy, haven’t you?”

Drake’s silence to that question startled Liam. He never thought that Drake’s grumpiness reflected any true unhappiness. After a few seconds, Drake answered carefully, “My life at court brought me plenty to be happy about, but there were definitely some undesirable parts that I kinda just learned to ignore. My relative happiness isn’t the problem here. Riley needs a break from this world. She’s not used to it, and it’s weighing on her. I won’t ask her to take on that burden when we came up with a perfectly good alternative.”

Liam frowned, trying to determine if there was judgement built into that last statement. Drake might have been alluding to him asking Riley to take on the burden of the crown. He wasn’t used to looking for double meanings with Drake. With everyone else, sure, but not with him. Not until today. “Not until he snuck around with the woman I love for months,” that voice pestered again.

“Come on, man. Don’t give me that look. Besides, you get enough flak for keeping around one under-qualified snarky commoner. We can’t expect you to find roles for two of us, neither of us with a college degree or any appropriate job skills for the court.”

He was teasing him, but Drake was clearly closing all further discussion on this topic. There would be no more talk of the two of them returning to Cordonia. Giving a light smile, Liam replied, “Touche. Let me at least get you two set up in an apartment.”

“She has an apartment already.”

“I know, but I want to make sure you are comfortable and have enough space for the both of you.”

“We’ll be fine, Liam.”

“I just hate the thought of the two of you here alone, and not to be insensitive, but your skill set might not translate to another job easily.”

“We don’t need your money. We aren’t charity cases,” Drake growled, his tone harsher than Liam had ever heard, at least directed at him.

“I didn’t mean to imply you were, I just want to help.”

“I am perfectly capable of providing for us, Liam.” There was an air of finality to his words. Liam had wanted to discuss things a little more and ask how closely Drake intended to stay in touch, but he knew that Drake was done with him, at least for now.

“Very well. If you need anything, you know where to find me.”

“We done here?”

“Of course.” He barely had the words out of his mouth when Drake had shoved back his chair and was stalking to the door. Liam wasn’t sure why his offer of financial assistance had upset him so much, and he couldn’t leave things like this. “Drake,” he called as he was about to open the door.

“Yeah?” he responded, not even turning around to face him.

“I am very happy, for the both of you, but especially for you.”

With that, he did turn his head to look Liam in the eye. “Thanks,” he nodded, but then he was out the door. Sighing, Liam picked up his phone. That certainly could have gone better. There was a lot for him to process, but that would have to wait. For now, he had to make some calls, starting with canceling the boat to the Statue of Liberty for tomorrow night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Riley was almost giddy this afternoon, Drake noticed as she led him onto the “Q” train. Clearly, she was enjoying being on the other side of telling Liam about their relationship. Drake wished he could fully embrace her joy, but nothing about the conversation with Liam sat right with him. He should have apologized and explained himself more. He should have asked if Liam was going to be okay. He should have let him know that he wanted to remain friends. Instead, everything had been awkward and formal. In fact, things really couldn’t have gone much worse seeing as Liam was never going to be the type to get angry or upset.

Of course, Drake was the one to get upset, even though he had no ground to stand on from that perspective. Why didn’t he just shut up in there? Liam had been trying to be a generous friend, he knew this intellectually. But when Liam offered to pay for an apartment, all Drake felt was Liam throwing out how much more he could offer Riley, as if to rub it in his face. So he snapped, even though he was the one who was causing Liam pain. And Liam just took it, because that was his role. Drake was supposed to be the one he didn’t have to fill that role around, though. “Man, I really fucked this up,” he thought.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” Riley cut through his thoughts, again proving her uncanny ability to read his moods.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“Well that’s a lie. You can either tell me and get it over with, or I’ll just have to keep pestering you until you cave and tell me anyway. It’ll save a lot of time if you just tell me now.”

He sighed, “Things were just weird with Liam, that’s all. Not that I expected it to go amazingly or anything, but I just felt awkward with him.”

“So now you’re going to brood over it all afternoon?”

“I don’t brood, Liu.”

“Fine, you’re going to be in a funk over it all afternoon?” she teased.

“Not all afternoon, maybe just for the train ride.”

She laughed at that, placing her hand on his knee and rubbing soothing circles with her thumb. “Are you committed to this bad mood for the entire trip?”

“What else did you have in mind?”

She smiled, glancing down at his lips before she leaned into him gently. He closed his eyes as their lips met. Things felt much slower and more tender than they ever had before. He no longer felt compelled to snatch every moment with her as if it were their last. After a while, he pulled away and smiled back at her.

“Fine, you’ve convinced me.”

“Good, no more moping?”

“Ugh, I think I preferred brooding. Anyway, I figured out how we can fill this time.��

“Oh yeah?” she smirked, raising an eyebrow and leaning in close again.

“God woman, keep it in your pants,” he joked, “You need to teach me this metro system.”

She smacked his chest playfully, pulling out her phone. “Fine, lesson one: it’s the train, not the metro. Lemme pull up the map. To start, uptown trains head north in Manhattan, downtown trains head south...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You ready for this, Walker?” Riley asked, holding out her hand as they walked off the train. After a crash course on the MTA, Riley had brought up telling Maxwell and Hana that they were together today. She had a point; after talking to Liam, there was no reason to not let them know.

“Yeah, yeah.” He grabbed her offered hand as they walked towards the spot they were meeting Hana and Maxwell. Truth be told, he was a little nervous about telling the two of them. Well, not Hana so much. She probably had training in reading body language or something and figured it out months ago. Plus, she was just too kind to be anything other than fully supportive. Maxwell, on the other hand, might not be thrilled. Not only had Drake explicitly lied to him at numerous points when they were sneaking around, but Riley’s rejection of Liam would be a pretty big financial blow for the Beaumonts.

His worries proved to be for nothing as he heard a shriek of “OH MY GOD!” He and Riley turned to see the commotion and were nearly tackled as Maxwell threw his arms around both of them.

“I’m so happy for you guys! And I’m so happy for me that I can finally tell you guys how happy I am!”

Riley laughed as Maxwell pulled just her into a tight hug, but something about what Maxwell said stuck out to Drake.

“What do you mean, ‘can finally’ tell us?”

“I knew you guys were together. I swore that I wouldn’t say anything until you guys told me about it, but it’s been sooooo hard not telling you how happy I am for you two!”

“You knew?” Riley asked, still laughing, “Guess we weren’t as careful as we thought. Hana, did you know too?”

“I had my suspicions, but I wasn’t convinced until Shanghai,” said Hana as she walked up to the group, a large smile on her face, “Let me join Maxwell in saying how happy I am for the both of you.”

“Shanghai? You’ve known since Shanghai and didn’t tell me? I’m hurt, Hana.”

“I’m sorry, Maxwell. I figured if they wanted people to know, they would have told them.”

“Hold up, Maxwell. We were in Shanghai less than a week ago. How long have you known about Drake and me?”

“Fine, I’ve only known for two days. But I still wanted to tell you guys I was happy for you!”

Everyone laughed, strolling along the paths crowded with tourists. Drake reclaimed Riley’s hand as they walked among the stalls and vendors. The weight of his conversations with Liam finally started to peel back as he took in the sights and smells of Coney Island. Even Maxwell’s insane insistence at getting their palms read was tolerable. He hadn’t realized how long it had been since he had spent time doing something just for fun with a group of people he actually liked and could be completely honest around. It felt right. It felt real.

After several hours of rides and games, they decided to grab some dinner. While Riley and Hana went to go buy drinks and funnel cakes, Maxwell tagged along with Drake to the hot dog stand.

“Okay, I’ve been dying to know when you guys got together.”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Drake, if you don’t want to talk about it, just tell me.”

“I’m serious, Maxwell. I didn’t really know what to tell Liam when he asked either.”

“How did that go, having to tell Liam?”

“That I don’t want to talk about.”

“Okay,” Maxwell paused, but then continued, “I do have to say one thing there, though. I think no matter how weird things are with him now, it’ll get better. You’re his best friend, and with a little time, things will get back to normal.”

Drake passed cash over to the cashier as Maxwell grabbed the hot dogs. He must have taken Drake’s silence as encouragement, because he kept going, “He’s gonna see how happy you guys are together, I know it.”

“Okay, Maxwell.”

“Fine, I’ll stop. I’m just so happy for both of you.”

“Why? No offense, but isn’t this not great news for you and Bertrand?”

“I should have never put that pressure on Riley. Look, back during the social season, she told me she was developing feelings for someone else, and I wasn’t a good enough friend. I dismissed her and encouraged her to focus on Liam. I should have listened to her instead of worrying about how Bertrand would react. So, when I found out about you guys, I knew I had to do better this time. That’s why I told her not to worry about House Beaumont and our money issues and instead focus on her happiness at the UN party.”

Drake turned to Maxwell, but he wasn’t finished, “I needed to do better by you, too. Look, I know there was no easy answer for how I should have handled the Savannah situation, but with you two, there is. I’m on your side, okay?”

Drake swallowed roughly, then clapped Maxwell on the shoulder, “Thanks.”

Maxwell smiled as they joined the women at a table, “Of course, so if anyone back at court messes with you two, just let me know. No one gets to talk smack about my friends.”

“About that…” Drake started as he sat down next to Riley.

Riley looked at him, and nodded before she said, “Us being together is only half of our news.”

“You’re pregnant?” Maxwell shrieked.

“God no!” “Hell no!” both he and Riley answered simultaneously.

“Sorry, just was thinking about Savannah. Carry on.”

“I’m not coming back to Cordonia with the court. I’m staying here.”

“And I’m moving here with her.”

“What? Are you serious? Riley, Drake, you’re really leaving us?” asked Hana.

“It’s for the best, Hana. I had a life here before this all started. I can’t just hang around Cordonia indefinitely without a job.”

“But couldn’t you get a job in Cordonia? I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

“Hana, unlike you, I don’t have 72 things I’m an expert at, and an unqualified foreigner who jilted the king probably doesn’t make the best job applicant.”

Hana reached her hand across the table and grabbed Riley’s. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too. But we can Facetime and text and visit each other, okay? This is just something Drake and I have to do.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever been this quiet, Maxwell,” said Drake.

“Sorry, I was just processing everything. This is huge news! What do you guys need?”

“I might need to list you as a job reference since you made me quit my last one with one hour’s notice,” said Riley.

“Done. What else?”

“You really aren’t going to try to talk us out of this?” asked Drake.

“I’m on your side, remember?”

Maxwell stared at Drake, nodding with more seriousness than Drake had ever seen in him before. “Who would have thought that Maxwell Beaumont would become one of my most trusted friends?” he thought, nodding back.

After they all finished eating, the sun was beginning to set.

“Let’s ride the Ferris wheel before we head back,” suggested Hana.

“I call riding with Riley!” yelled Maxwell, who burst out laughing when Drake shot him an annoyed look. “Just kidding. Teasing you is too easy.”

Riley laughed, throwing her arm around Maxwell’s shoulders. “Maybe you two should ride together then. Take advantage of being best friend roomies while you can.”

“Do not encourage him, Liu.”

“Your girlfriend makes a good point, Drake. What do you say, roomie? Ferris wheel buddies?”

“I hate all of you,” Drake said, but he couldn’t hide his smile as Riley winked at him. He was going to miss these moments. But if Riley needed to leave Cordonia, giving them up would be a small sacrifice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t too late when they arrived back at the hotel, laughing and passing around a bag of caramel corn that Maxwell bought as they were leaving Coney Island.

“Do you guys have any plans for tomorrow?” asked Hana as they stood near the elevators.

“I think I might go check out more of New York City. We only have one day left here and there is so much left to see. In fact, I might go see some more tonight and not come back to the hotel for two hours,” said Maxwell, sending looks at Drake that were far from subtle.

“Maxwell…” Drake warned.

“Fine, three hours. I think that should be more than enough time.”

“Maxwell!”

“Four hours, then, which is really excessive if you ask me, but-” Riley darted up to Maxwell and whispered something in his ear before stepping back next to Drake. “On second thought, I’m pretty tired, so maybe I’ll just go straight to bed, and because I’m so tired, I’ll probably never know what time you get back to the room, Drake. You know, because I’ll be in such a deep sleep. Come on, Hana. I’ll escort you to your room like the good friend that I am.” They said goodnight to their friends as they stepped into the elevator.

“Wanna grab a drink at the bar?” asked Drake, gesturing the the hotel lounge behind him.

“We could do that, or…”

“Or what?”

Riley stepped right up to him, grabbing his shoulder as she leaned up to whisper in his ear, “Or we could take advantage of the luxury hotel suite that I so thoughtfully reminded Maxwell I have all to myself.”

Drake swallowed roughly. He wanted nothing more, but there was issue. “Unless you want to go catch Maxwell and ask him for a condom, that isn’t really an option.”

Riley burst out laughing, “Come on, if you’re gonna be a New Yorker, it’s time for your first Duane Reade run.” And with that, she pulled him back outside, hands interlocked as she navigated them down the sidewalk. Drake had no idea what Duane Reade was, but he was ready to follow her anywhere.

Tags: @wickedgypsymoon @thesumofmychoices @cosigottahavefaith @thequeenofcronuts 

You think you’re so smart

Pairing: Onho (Jinki x Minho)

High School AU (~1400 words)

Summary: Minho accidentally tells Jinki that he has a crush on him while they’re having an argument.

Author’s Note: I had originally wanted to post this for their birthdays, but I was still editing when…  and then obviously writing/editing became very low priority. All of OT5 is here and Jjong is so smol and soft and cute, but if you aren’t ready, then this might not be the piece for you.

“You think you’re so smart! That you just have everything all figured out. Oh, Jinki is the best! Jinki is the smartest. Well, if you are so smart, how come you don't know I’ve had a crush on you for the last two years!” The words slip out of Minho’s mouth before he even realizes and the next second, there is only deafening silence.

Jinki just looks at him, his eyes giving nothing away that he’s fully understood what Minho has said. Minho’s body catches up to his mouth, even before his brain has finished processing what he has said and his cheeks go instantly red. His fight-or-flight instincts take over and Minho turns around, bolting down the hallway away from Jinki.

“Oh hey, Minho—” Jonghyun says, slowly coming out of a classroom along the hallway.

“Hey, Jjong. Hi. Can’t talk right now. I have to— I have to... Okay, byeeee!” Minho makes a little pointing motion away with his fingers as he speaks, never stopping his hurried speed-walking. A small man-made breeze hits Jonghyun as Minho passes, startling him.

“Umm, okay. Well, that was weird.”

Jonghyun can barely close the door to the classroom when Jinki appears, walking quickly towards him. “Hey, did you see Minho?”

“Yea, he went that way. He was acting pretty weird—” Jinki takes off into a jog in the direction Jonghyun pointed before Jonghyun can finish his sentence.

“Okay, that’s it!! Do I smell or something? Why doesn’t anyone want to talk to me?”

“Yo, Jjong!” Taemin says, walking down the hallway.

“Hi, Taemin. Are you going to run away from me too?”

“Huh? No… Why would I run away from you?”

“Uuuhhhh… no reason.” Jonghyun decides not to tell him. Better not give Taemin any reasons to run away from him too.

“Hey! Have you guys seen Minho? He’s like sent me six S.O.S. texts and he’s a terrible texter when he’s scared. Something about hiding behind a tree and Jinki I think, but he’s spelled Jinki with like the number two and a semicolon. He also asked me if I know how to stop the space-time continuum? Do either of you know what he’s talking about?”

“Oh.” Jonghyun says, the wheels in his head turning.

Both Taemin and Kibum turn to look at him with expectant looks on their faces.

“So... I came back to my fifth period class because I forgot my sweater, but I didn’t realize I had left it until I was packing up my backpack after school had ended. You know the big, black knit sweater that I got last Christmas. It’s super soft and comfy and I really want to wear it tonight. But I had rush here all the way from across campus because Mr. Park always leaves class right when the bell rings… (Jonghyun continues his story in explicit detail for a good several minutes). Then after Minho rushed by me, Jinki ran by and they were so rude, they didn’t listen to me talk at all—”

Taemin and Kibum know better than to interrupt Jonghyun while he’s in the middle of telling a story. With the patience of saints and the love that only friends can give, they had been listening to him, but something was happening with their two friends, so Kibum makes the decision to interrupt him.

“Jonghyun, I say this with love and kindness, but for the sake of all things good in this world, please… do you know where they are?”

Jonghyun blushes and admits sheepishly “I... don’t”

Taemin and Kibum let out big sighs. “JJONG!!!” They both each grab one of his arms.

“We have to go find Minho. I’m super worried.” Kibum says.

They start hurrying him down the hallway. In the shuffle, Jonghyun’s sweater falls to the ground.

He looks back as he’s led down the hallway. “Noooo, my sweater.” Jonghyun says, his voice forlorn.

Taemin lets out an irritated sound, letting go of Jonghyun’s arm to run back and retrieve it. Jonghyun lets out a squeal of delight when Taemin reunites him with his sweater.

(Meanwhile— Outside)

“Oh. Drat. I. Guess. I. Am. All. Alone. Where. Has. Minho. Gone?” Jinki says loudly next to the tree Minho is hiding behind.

Minho leans his head back on the tree and let out a quiet sigh. Maybe, this means that Jinki will just leave and he could just pretend this never happened. It will be sad to never see Jinki again and he will definitely have to find somewhere new to eat his lunch, but what could he do? He could pretend that he was never even there, but what to do about Jinki’s own recollection. How hard is it to give someone a concussion—?

“—BOO!” Jinki shouts next to Minho and Minho promptly shrieks and trips on a tree root, ending up on the grass.

Jinki is tempted to laugh at the cute dazed expression on Minho’s face, but he thinks better of it when Minho starts to get up, his confusion quickly turning to panic as he tries to run away from Jinki again.

Oh no, you don’t. Jinki tugs Minho’s arms, pulling him down onto the grass. Jinki sits down in front of Minho, but doesn’t look at him. He plucks a clover growing out of the grass, twirling the stem in between his fingers for several long seconds without saying a word.

“You liked me?” Jinki asks gingerly after a minute, his voice soft. He starts with the easiest question first, the past-tense question.

Minho pretends to not hear him at first, looking around distractedly, looking at all his possible exit routes, formulating a plan to put as much distance between him and Jinki, but after weighing all the options, he just sighs. He looks at Jinki and gives a small nod, his eyes wide and starting to get watery.

“H-how long did you like me?”

Minho raises two fingers.

Two years.

“Why didn’t you say anything before?” Jinki’s voice is but a whisper, but Minho has no trouble hearing him.

He starts to open his mouth to speak, but ends up only shaking his head and raising his hands upwards.

I don’t know.

Jinki continues to twirl the clover stem in his hand and they sit in silence. Eventually, Jinki breaks the silence again. His next question is the hardest and the riskiest for them both. “D-do you still like me?”

Minho looks down at Jinki’s hands playing with the clover, refusing to meet his eyes and lets out a small “Yes.”

Jinki holds out the clover to Minho and Minho looks up in surprise, accepting it with a confused look on his face.

“I uhh like you too.”

Minho’s eyes go wide and a high unknown voice that sounds completely foreign to him comes out of him. “You do?”

“Oh, look there’s Minho and Jinki over there!” Taemin says.

The trio starts to walk over to the two figures sitting in the grass at the base of a tree.

“Wait.” Kibum reaches across Jonghyun to grab Taemin’s forearm tightly. He sees the shiny flushed look in Minho’s face and knows the back facing Minho belongs to Jinki. He takes in their body language, Minho’s panicked texts, and he connects the dots. He has listened to Minho describe every cute thing Jinki has ever said or done every single day after school for years now. Every day, it was something new, the way Jinki rested his hand on his chin when he was thinking or absentmindedly brushed his hair behind his ear or that they had accidentally touched somehow.

“Why?” Taemin and Jonghyun ask.

Kibum stops completely, standing still as both Jonghyun and Taemin continue looking at him inquisitively. Kibum continued to examine Minho’s face, looking for a sign that Minho needed a bail-out, but when Minho raises his head looking incredulously at Jinki, his eyes hesitant, but not so dire-looking as before, Kibum exhales.

“Actually, I think we should catch up with them later. I’m kinda hungry now. Do you want to grab something to eat at the corner store?”

“What? You’re hungry now?”

“But what about Minho & Jinki?”

Kibum doesn’t answer them, just firmly steering them off quickly in the opposite direction from Minho & Jinki towards the exit at the front of the school.

This is a personal reflection, don't mind me. But you can read it if you want. It's mainly some things that have been weighing on my heart recently:

It’s about three days until I am required to go to school. And for the first time in my life, I’m ok with it. Normally, I dread the thought of going back, and the countdown to school is very foreboding. But this past year has been so wild for me that I feel like I need some sense of stability. School is the pattern in my life, my pattern gives me a purpose. It’s great to have nothing to do in the summer, but after the 2nd or 3rd month I feel like wasted space.

This summer someone I respected dearly and tried to connect with snapped at me and said some things that I can’t get out of my head. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about her words. I’m used to people just taking out their frustration on me, and I can forgive them. But this person struck a chord that has haunted me for months. This wasn’t a simple snap to me, this was a biting confrontation that made me feel like a piece of garbage that didn’t have true friends in this cruel world. (She said they were too nice to say otherwise, so they just keep playing along. Yes. She said that to me.) I know she didn’t mean the things she said the way she said them. I know I’m overbearing and need to improve, but I can’t differentiate what parts were true or not. I just need to feel loved. I need to see my friends again to prove her wrong, that they aren’t pretending to like me. If they are, then I’m not stopping them from leaving me alone forever. Perhaps I’m wasted space, but my friends always make me feel like the most important person in the world and I just need that more than ever right now.

I met someone last school year. (I’m about to get cliched here btw.) His smile lights up the room and his eyes are so dark that I get lost in them so easily. He makes me laugh and he’s just as spontaneous as me. More importantly, me makes me want to improve myself. Unfortunately, he’s a terrible texter. He takes forever to reply. So this summer I’ve felt so disconnected from him. He’s one of my best friends and I really need him to make me laugh. I want to see his face again and I want to hear about his summer. I’m tried of talking about myself, I want to listen to him go on and on because I love seeing how passionate he is when he speaks. I owe a lot to him. On my worst days he’s always snapped me out of my depression with something really silly. It’s like he knows when I need to laugh the most. I don’t know how he feels about me, but I know what I feel about him. I don’t care if he returns these feelings, I just want him to be happy and to find someone who can make him laugh and cheer him up as well. He doesn’t owe me anything, I owe him a lot. But all I ask is for the chance to see him again.

And that is why I need school to begin. I know I won’t be grateful in a week or so, but for right now, I’ve reached acceptance.

don’t ever fall for a teammate

I know there was like a post circling around that said tell a story about the most beautiful girl you’ve met and I wanted to like tell my story but no one was actually reblogging it and telling their story and I didnt wanna be THAT person to here it is on my own tumblr bc I know -2 people will see this but I just want to get it out.

first off I wanna say that I have seen many beautiful women in this world, i’ve seen katie mcgrath, gal gadot, and tobin freaking heath with my own eyes, but there is absolutely nothing that can compare to this girl in my life.

we’re not together. I don’t know if we ever will be together, but i’ll get to that later. i’ll just start with how we met.

I play club soccer, I have for two years now and I assumed that I was going to keep the same team until we all split off for college. I was very wrong. at least half of my original team dropped off due to injuries or loss of interest in the sport, and in those losses came half a new team. I was skeptical because I was already the new girl one year before, I didn’t want to have to get to know 6 new girls for another season. but honestly? i’m glad I did.

this wasn’t the super obvious kind of beauty, in my opinion. in all honesty we had practiced a good three weeks together before our first tournament in Asheville before I actually noticed her and started paying attention to her. saying that out loud though makes me seem like a terrible person, but you’ll understand when I tell you about her later.

anyway, it was our first game of the tourni. i’m all shits and nerves because this is a real tournament and I want to impress my coach with my new skills. granted I think I scored once the entire thing but that doesn’t matter, only she did. if I remember correctly we needed desperately to win the first game if we wanted a chance to keep moving forward, and I think we were 1-0 when she scored her first goal from 40. yards. out. now, considering that Carli Lloyd has scored from mid field on a professional sized field, 40 yards on a high school field isn’t TOO impressive. but let me tell you, this was an impressive goal. and it was what made me notice her in the first place.

I yelled for her to shoot the freaking ball and so did everyone else and I wasn’t expecting her to make it, honestly, but she did and it took my completely off guard. I don’t know how long it was before I came off the field but when i did all I could see was her. and fuck, let me tell you this girl is the most beautiful soul I have ever laid eyes on.

she’s tall, taller than me actually, and in my town that’s surprisingly hard to do unless you play volleyball or basketball. she has blue eyes, blue eyes that I swear on my life I really could get lost in if I wanted to. and her face, dude, her face was crafted to literal perfection. she’s got these amazing cheekbones and her cheeks are hollow enough to make her look angelic but not too much that she looks like she needs to eat a burger or something. she’s beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, everything. and don’t even get me started on her personality. she’s one of the funniest people I swear i’ve ever met, and it’s so easy to be myself around her that it’s scary.

but that’s not the scariest part.

like I said before, it took me a while to actually realize just how beautiful this girl is. two months to be exact. it wasn’t until a very intense practice that I realized this girl made my knees weak and my hands sweat. she’s a completely different person on the field and off. on the field, she’s 5 feet 8 inches of pure grueling kickass soccer. homegirl does NOT play around, she’s got at least 8 different colored rolls of pre wrap, never wears pants to practice because she works her ass off and knows she’s gonna get hot, and she’s beautiful while doing it all.

off the field? completely different. she’s shy. like, super shy. an introvert if I have EVER met one. she really doesn’t talk that much at all, and she very rarely stays at the team hotel and it took at least 10 minutes of convincing for her to come out to dinner with the team at a tourni. she’s not much of a texter at all. you can have a super big and meaningful talk with her for maybe 20 minutes and then you don’t talk to her for a couple days. she keeps streaks, and if you’re lucky you get to snap her back and forth throughout the day and talk about drama at your schools or how you’re feeling. I was one of those lucky people.

looking back on it, I don’t know if i’m grateful for being lucky, or if I despise it with everything inside of me. because she’s straight (as far as I know, but it’s complicated) and I, on the other hand, am very very gay. especially for her.

if you asked anyone on the team who I was the closest with, they would say kennedy. even to my suprise. I had no idea everyone thought we were the closest on the team, or that it was so obvious to everyone that I liked her, except her. it didn’t take me long to realize that I did honestly. but I kept stuffing it down because I knew there was little to no chance of it actually happening. if anything it got forced out of me, and once it did, it blew up. by the end of the week everyone knew and it was stressing me the HELL out. I was trying so hard not to act different, I really was. but it was so hard to not stare at her when she untied her hair and let it all flow down her shoulders like some fucking slow mo movie. and it was so hard not to cheer her on and hype her up when she was quite literally becoming my best friend. and I really tried not to fall, I really did.

by the end of october she knew. I told her through a spotify playlist because i’m literally so stupid and basic, and honestly? it was fine. at first. she told me that it didn’t change anything, that I was still one of her bffs. but it did change and i think it’s one of the things I hate myself for. we had a tournament at james island in november, our last tourni that actually mattered and I was scared. because she knew, everyone knew, and this might be the last time that I see her. it wasn’t, but the fear was real.

anyway, back to the point, things changed. at the end of the tournament she was hanging out with anyone BUT me, she was short on her replies, and she wasn’t telling me basic things like how her day was or how she was feeling. which, she’s not obligated to tell me, it’s hard to become close to her like I was. but it hurt, and I had no idea why she was being the way she was. but I should have seen it coming.

she blocked me on snapchat on thanksgiving. it took me completely off guard, she hadn’t even gone through my whole story to the part where I was saying I was thankful for her before she swiped out of it and blocked me. unfriended me. did whatever she did. and it hurt for such a long time, because I asked her if I had done something because that’s what you do right?

she said she needed space, that she had been freaking out lately, please don’t text back. I don’t know why it still hurts to think about that text because we’re sort of okay now, but it hurt then. how did we go from best friends to just the girl she keeps a streak with? i have a feeling that it was just me in general. she eventually told me all that had been happening, after 3 weeks we had practice for state cup and i’d never been more nervous in my life. I respected her wish for space, cuz like duh? but anyway, she told me about her anxiety, and then made an emphasis on how it wasn’t me. I don’t know why it’s significant to me that she said that but it is. because I feel like it is me. I feel like I fucked up the one good thing I had by telling her how I really felt. I don’t know if I things would be different if I had never told her. a part of me wishes I never did. because now all I can think about is her smile and her laugh and the way she’s actually happy around me, the way she’s so much more open and touchy with me than anyone else on the team. and it all leads to hope, hope that maybe me telling her got her to thinking about things she never had to think about and that’s what made her anxious. that I made her anxious, because maybe I was something she wanted.

but now I don’t know. I don’t know if i’ll ever know. but if there’s any kind of god out there, I pray that they give me a chance to show her just how amazing she is. because she is so perfect, in all of her blue eyed glory.

People are being forced into long-distance relationships by coronavirus isolation

Video call is a way to stay in touch (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Almost a month ago, I waved my boyfriend Stephen off with no idea when I would see him again.

We’ve been together over two years and at that point, the longest we’d gone without seeing eachother was 10 days.

Now we’ve been forced into a long-distance relationship by coronavirus.

I have underlying health conditions and as a key worker, Stephen is still going into work, and although he is following all the social distancing precautions, it feels like too much of a risk.

With the situation in London worsening, I decided to leave over three weeks ago to stay with my parents in Northern Ireland so even seeing him through a window isn’t possible now.

Laura and Stephen long before the lockdown (Picture: Laura Abernethy)

Being plunged into this has been hard. We obviously can still talk every day and video call but it’s not quite the same.

But many other couples are in exactly the same boat. Although some decided to move in together so they could isolate, for others that wasn’t an option.

When lockdown came into force, official advice was basically for couples to commit to isolation together or deal with being apart.

Samantha Smith, 27, and Michael Laud, 28, have been together for seven years. They don’t live together and decided not to isolate together to protect eachother and their families.

They’re both still in Swadlincote, Derbyshire, just a few miles from eachother but they don’t know when they’ll be able to be together again.

Samantha tells Metro.co.uk: ‘His dad has underlying health conditions and needs to be there if anything goes wrong.

‘We’re both severe asthmatics and I had been suffering from a bad chest infection for the last four weeks (I came off steroids last Wednesday) so I was already suffering quite badly and didn’t want to risk making him ill and then passing it onto his dad. ‘

They’ve been using video call apps like Houseparty to stay in touch and sending eachother voicenotes to keep a connection.

She adds: ‘We’re using voicenotes a lot and making sure we have one a day to wake up to. It’s quite nice really. He doesn’t use social media so he has no idea what’s going on on there.

Samantha and Michael (Picture: Samantha Smith)

‘The phone calls are tough. There’s not much to talk about because we’re both on furlough so it’s the same thing everyday and there’s not much happening.

‘However, I do feel it is strangely making us closer because we’re conscious of the fact we can’t see one another. We’re both putting the same amount of communication in so it’s not one-sided, which is nice.’

It’s also given them time to reminisce about their relationship when they first started dating.

Samantha adds: ‘The other day we were flicking through old messages from when we first got together and were talking about our first date and how we plan to redo that when this is all over.

‘I think it’s a good way of getting to know one another again because you’re facing the same difficulty.’

Katherine Hackett, 27, lives on the Wirral, while her boyfriend Elliot, 24, lives in Warrington but as he works as a chemical engineer he is classed as a key worker and is going out every day.

Katherine and Elliot (Picture: Katherine Hackett)

Katherine admits that the uncertainty of the situation has been testing for their relationship.

She says: ‘We’ve been FaceTiming and calling most days which is nice. To be honest, we weren’t callers much before this! We just used to text but being separated has made us ensure we make time for each other over the phone every day.

‘It is affecting my mood towards him. I feel like it’s very testing on our relationship, it’s nothing he’s done, I’ve just been very frustrated with the whole situation and seem to keep taking it out on him.

‘It’s the fact that nothing can be done about it and not having a definite date to count down to when we’re going to see each other again.

‘He’s a lot more logical about things and tries to reassure me but I on the other hand am just so moody! Luckily he’s the most patient and understanding person ever.’

Bekki, 25, and her boyfriend Max, 27, have been together for two years but they haven’t seen each other for over two-and-a-half weeks, depsite being just 45 minutes away from eachother.

They are both currently living with their parents in Newcastle Upon Tyne but say that the money they are saving while in isolation is going towards moving in together when this is over.

Bekki and Max in Vietnam (Picture: @mynameisbekki)

Bekki explains: ‘For us, it was mostly about the safety of our families.

‘My mum works in a hospital and has been working at least five days a week, therefore, increasing her chances of contracting coronavirus.

‘As my boyfriends’ parents are in their sixties, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable temporarily moving in with them in case it put them (or my boyfriend) at risk. So, although it was a hard decision for us both to make, we know it’s the right decision for our loved ones.

‘At first, keeping in touch was quite a hard one as we’ve never been big texters. This is my fault – I work full-time in PR and then work for a magazine on the side so I spent ALL day on a computer and, therefore, don’t like to spend much time on my phone.

‘When I was first dating my now-boyfriend, he thought I wasn’t interested as I only sent him one text a day, which is actually a lot for me, but in reality, I was actually a proper keeno beano who just hates being on her phone.

‘About five days into self-isolating, we realised that the usual text here and there wasn’t good enough and that, instead, we needed more.’

They’ve been watching their favourite TV shows at the same time, playing virtual games of Cards Against Humanity, having video calls and tagging each other in memes. They’ve also chosen presents for each other to be delivered to their respective houses.

Bekki adds: ‘Whilst I can’t wait to see him in real life, I’m actually weirdly grateful for this time as we’re making more time for each other when apart (like through the working week), than we normally would.

‘One of the (few) benefits of the current situation is that we’re both spending less and are, therefore, able to save a bit money throughout the money – to the point where we now have enough to move out together.

‘We’ve been looking at houses and rang an estate agent about a house we’d like to view once this all blows over – so whilst it’s been a test, we’ve certainly passed.’

Rachel Hains and Kathryn Burdon, both 21, are used to a long distance relationship as they are both studying at different universities.

Rachel and Kathryn (Picture: Rachel Hains)

With their insitutions closing due to the pandemic, they’ve both headed home to their families – Rachel in Devon and Kathryn in Berkshire.

In normal circumstances, they would be on holidays and spending as much time as possible together but now, after months of being apart, they don’t know when they will see eachother again.

Rachel explains: ‘Although it is incredibly difficult for us to spend so much time apart, this is ultimately the best arrangement for the both of us. For instance, Katie has asthma so is high risk. It’s important she and her family keep safe.’

Used to being apart, they’re still keeping in touch by video calls but are also making use of some new things that have appeared since everyone went into lockdown.

Rachel adds: ‘Regular Facetimes, constant messages and sending each other silly things we see on the internet have been crucial.

‘It’s little and often that we’ve found to be the most effective way to stay in touch during times of separation.

‘Netflix party, which is an extension on Chrome, is a god send. We’ve been able to watch things together on Netflix and comment along as if we were in the room together. RuPaul’s Drag Race is one of our favourites at the moment as it is released weekly, meaning we have a scheduled activity each week.

‘Katie has also sent me links to her University dance society, who are running online classes at the minute. I’ll never be as good at tap as she is, but it’s something we can share together as I drive anyone downstairs insane with the elephant banging around in my room.

‘We’re both also trying to complete our final year of university at the moment, meaning we have deadlines galore. It’s a stressful time anyway, so supporting each other and being there is more important than ever. Even if it’s just distracting one another or offering advice about one of our essays, it still feels like we’re close by, spurring the other on towards the ever approaching finish line.’

The pair have been friends for almost 10 years and are used to the long-distance aspect of their relationship but Rachel admits that the lockdown has been difficult for them.

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She says: ‘This is particularly hard at the moment, during what would have been our Easter break.

‘We had several dates planned, including tickets to Harry Potter and the Cursed Child which have had to be postponed. This is all incredibly disappointing, as much as we understand the necessity of it.

‘It’s hard when all we want to do is spend time together, something made even harder by my parents’ recent decision to move to Devon now that my sister and I are both away at university.

‘This means travel is integral to our relationship, something that is also impossible at the moment due to the pandemic.

‘However, I think this whole experience is making us value each other even more. We’re trying to make the most out of this situation and considering the terrible impact this disease is having on society, we’ve become aware how easily one of us could be affected.

‘I’m constantly worried for Katie, as she is high risk. All I can do, however, is be there for her and cherish her as much as I can.

‘I just have to keep optimistic and think about how much stronger we’ll be when this is all over and how much fun we’ll be able to have together.’

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Movies In My Mind

I’ve always had a very vivid imagination. As a child it served me well because I was rarely bored, and as a teenager it got me through some pretty lonely times. As an adult it pretty much just annoys me. I get these thoughts in my head sometimes, these little scenarios that come out of nowhere. I don’t know how or when I started doing this, but at this point, I’ve thought of them so many times that they play out like movies in my mind. These thoughts can happen anytime- while I’m working out, driving, cleaning, working, etc.- and though I know that I have control over them, they can still cause me to have a panic attack. I realize that giving power to these scenarios is a waste of my time, but my mind often lacks reason and logic. I’ll be minding my own business, shampooing my hair, or doing some other routine task, and one of these scenarios will pop into my head and my heart will start to race and I’ll start breathing heavy. I have to remind myself that nothing has even happened, I’m still in the shower, washing my hair, and not falling down a flight of stairs exposing my holey underwear (I don’t even own holey underwear). I’ve complied a list of the most common scenarios that I torture myself with on a regular basis. You might be wondering, why is she sharing this with the world? I guess it’s because I think it’s kind of funny, and I’m hoping someone else will find it funny, too. Also, I figure I can’t be the only one who does this. Maybe someone else out there can relate, and we can bond over the ridiculousness of our brains.

Tripping, falling, and exposing my underwear. Okay, so this has actually kind of happened to me once. I was walking down the hall at church, in between classes, and I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. I headed towards her to say hello, and somehow my skirt fell off! I didn’t even notice it was happening until the skirt was at my ankles, restricting my steps. I still cringe every time I think about it. I mean how do you even recover from that?? Full disclosure: I was wearing Spanx. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse, but I’m inclined to say it’s worse.

Letting go of my steering wheel on a curved road. Would I ever do this? No. But what freaks me out is that I COULD IF I WANTED TO. Doesn’t it ever make you rethink things when you realize how in control of your own destiny you are? I’ll be driving and the thought will come to me and I will start to wonder things like, “Where would my car go?”, or “How long would it be before my car stopped moving? Would it just stop, or would it stop because it crashes into a wall?” Oh yeah, I’m driving right now. Better pay attention. Yikes.

Falling off of the treadmill/elliptical. If I were the star of my own television show, there’d be a scene where I fall off of my treadmill at least five times per season. “But wouldn’t that get old?” you might ask? No, it would not. Falling is always top comedy. Falling while on a fast-paced, moving belt just makes it that much funnier. This has only come close to happening one time when I had a tangled up earbud fiasco. I got a little too cocky and tried to untangle the rat’s nest while I was running. I managed to get my footing and stop myself from falling, but it was a close call, guys. So close that I’m starting to sweat right now just thinking about it.

Losing a tooth. Not like losing a tooth when I was a kid and they were bb teeth that were meant to be lost. Like losing a fully grown, high school graduate, adult tooth. This is probably my biggest fear. It started when I was young, probably because I saw an episode of Jerry Springer or some other daytime talk show and there was a person sans teeth on there, which of course led me to freak out about the state of my own bicuspids. What would I do if my tooth got knocked out?? Once I read that if it happens, you should put the tooth in milk to preserve it, which is why I always carry a packet of milk with me. JK I don’t, but I really have thought about it because that’s how scared I am of this happening to me. Seriously you guys, HOW WOULD I RECOVER FROM THAT? I am pretty positive I couldn’t rock the missing teeth look. And this is coming from a girl who used to wear sweat pants with the name JOE JONAS emblazened on the legs out in public. In her twenties. On the regular.

Walking into the men’s room on accident. I’m going to be really honest here, the men’s room is a complete mystery to me. I have no idea what goes on in there. I caught a glimpse of one once and there were toilets on the ground- ON THE GROUND I SAY!! That seems risky to me. Usually this paranoia hits me after I’ve finished running on the elliptical at the gym and I’ve still got my headphones on and I’m all disoriented and sweaty. I mean, the boy and girl restrooms are right next to each other, I could easily meander into the wrong side! Most of the restrooms I see are marked with an “M” or a “W” which is practically the same letter even! Whose idea was that?? I think this fear might be rooted in the fact that when I was in high school, I had a job as a janitor basically, cleaning a medical office. I thought no one was left in the office so I was just carrying on like I owned the place, and stormed right into the bathroom with my cleaning supplies in my hands and I walked in on a guy going pee! I really did this! And guess what he did?? This image still haunts me to this day. He kept peeing, turned his head around, gave me a little nod, and calmly said, “Sup?” A part of me died in the bathroom that day, my friends. I can’t talk about it anymore because I am getting shortness of breath just remembering the harrowing details.

Ripping up money. Now this is one I would definitely never do, obviously!! But one day I was playing with a hundred dollar bill (because that’s what hundredaires like myself do in their free time) and I thought about how easily I could rip it into pieces and I would be $100 less rich. How weird is that? Money is just paper?? Is that really the best system for our currency? I could be $100 less rich with one tear. Ugh. That scares me worse than the Chucky movies, if I’m being honest.

Sending the wrong text to the wrong person. This one plagues me on a daily basis, because I am an avid texter, and I text multiple people throughout the day. I’m married now, but when I was single I used to make myself sick worrying about sending a text ABOUT the guy I like and the details of our non-relationship TO the guy I like, instead of to my friend. What if my boss gets the text I meant to send to my mom where I vent about my job? Or worse, what if someone (anyone) gets the text I meant to send to my mom about how I really need to have a poo but can’t go in the toilets at work? I know what you’re thinking, I shouldn’t be texting these things to people. You’re wrong. These are exactly the types of things I should be texting to people. You may also be curious as to why I text my mom about my bowel movement issues. Don’t worry. A healthy poo text is normal every once in a while.

Cutting off a chunk of my hair with craft scissors. Let me preface this one by saying that I am in a constant state of growing my hair out. I am forever wanting long hair and lacking the patience it takes to get it. All of the work I’ve been putting into having long hair would be for nothing with one snip. Sometimes I think about that scene in Sixteen Candles where Caroline gets her hair stuck in a locked door at Jake Ryan’s house and her friends get her out by cutting off the backside of her hair with scissors they found laying around the house! That scene chills. Me. To. The. Bone.

Divorce. I honestly don’t know why this terrifies me so much but I think it’s because I find it so terribly, horribly sad. I once read a statistic that said 50% of marriages end in divorce and right there on the spot I started to feel tightness in my chest. I think the very thought of something that was once so happy and full of love disolving and falling apart scares me. It leads to lots of invasive and paranoid thoughts about love. How do you ever really know if someone is right for you? How do you know that someone won’t fall out of love with you, or hurt you, etc. You know, the usual sad cocktail. It’s just like universal smart woman June Carter Cash said, “It burns, burns, burns.” Being with my husband has really helped me calm down about broken love in relation to myself, but I still worry a great deal about all the other relationships out there. It doesn’t matter if I know them personally or not. I still haven’t fully processed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce, and I can make myself depressed just by thinking about Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder’s breakup, and they were never even married! I have so many feelings, my friends. So many.

Good news, these irrational fears actually have a clinical name! They’re called “intrusive thoughts”, and according to the internet (v reliable source for information), four out of five people experience intrusive thoughts on a regular basis. An intrusive thought is described as “an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate.” If that aint me, right? I don’t know if it’s more comforting to have a name for what I’m experiencing, or if it makes me feel more insane. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one going through this, though. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone, and that there are others who can relate to me. That’s what life is all about, I think; connecting with others by sharing our experiences with them. Kinda makes all the difficult stuff we go through seem special, doesn’t it?

Done Deal

I've been seeing this med student from Michigan who's currently out here for his rotation. I met up with him last Saturday at a bar in Fullerton. Some backstory: matched on Tinder, not a huge fan of him bc he's an essay texter and just terrible texter overall (not my type), and he's not my type physically. But take a chance on the smart ginger. lol. He asked me for tacos but I didn't want to go bc I didn't mentally prepare myself, but we went to the bar instead super late, at 1 am or so. I got a few catcalls, and he was like wow people catcall here so much more than back home. I was like that was nothing, it was only abt 3x, and no one touched me. (Being a female is hard) Afterward, went to get tacos and talked until 3:45 ish?? It was platonic, but we got to talking about our token crazy friends and music festival and finally found some common ground. I could tell he wanted to keep talking to me, but it was kind of late. We parted, and I saw a preview of his text, but I assumed it was a goodnight text. Then when I got home, I saw he asked me if I wanted to drink some modelos at his place. I would've said yes had he just asked me in the parking lot, but nope texted me instead. Anyway he continued to annoy me for days after bc he texts back within a minute. And I was like wtf, you need to calm down a bit. Met up on Wednesday the week after at a bar. Caught some of the World Series game, then he asked me abruptly if I wanted to drink blueberry ales instead. I wasn't sure of the context, but I said sure anyway. Then I realized this was his trick to lure me back to his place, and I didn't wanna do anything sexual bc I was not interested in him, and I didn't want to. So I was freaking out in the rr texting PP asking what to do. I suggested we go to the beach instead bc we couldn't do too much. Drove there and couldn't find parking. I was hoping he wouldn't be able to find it either, so I could just drive home and avoid all this awkwardness that would ensue. Anyway he found parking, I grabbed my blanket bc it was cold. We were walking to the lifeguard tower, and he's like I wish I grabbed my jacket, and I said we could just share the blanket. I wrapped it around him and just left my arm there, which is a very unlinke me move to do. Then I lowered it after I realized my arm would get so tired being in that position. He wrapped his arms around my stomach and love handle. Why do guys like to touch the stomach?? IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE??? I could see that he wanted to kiss me and put his face next to mine, but I always feel so awkward abt that, so I just let it build. I kept looking away from him and stayed quiet. Then I finally turned around to kiss him. Surprisingly he was pretty good at kissing. I tried to go into his pants to give him a hand job, and I squeezed too hard, and he said sorry but that hurts a little. All I could think of in my head was Jenny telling me about something related to being too aggressive with hand jobs. I died and was mortified too. I dont really remember much except he fingered me, said I was a good kisser, said I looked sexy in my black dress, complimented my necklace. After we were all done, he also asked out loud Idky I'm so attracted to girls with long hair, and why guys are in general??? Anyway, it was all very nice, and I thought he was a lovely kisser. Everyone on that beach saw my butthole, I'm sure, but it was so dark, so I guess it's alright. We just laid down and cuddled for a bit after. I felt so comfortable lying with him, which isn't generally what happens with strangers. My neck was gonna get strained bc I was lying on his chest, and it was a little too high. A bit later, I kept seeing a bright light approaching us and it was the cop patrol car coming. So I put the beers on the bottom with my throw on top. Then he's like what do I do with these beers? I said dump it and then held the case up so he could put it in. I said put it to the left, but I forgot we were standing opposite directions, and he was getting super flustered/nervous, so he said aloud, uhhh Idek what I'm doing or where there's even empty space. The patrol car ended up passing us and didn't even see us. We left after that. I said goodbye and he was abt to just walk off without kissing me or anything and so I initiated the kiss and I was on my complete tippy toes and could barely reach him. It was nice.3rd time: He wanted to go out to a place with live music, but I was like but I'd rather watch stranger things....so that happened. Went over, he bought some wine. I honestly should've drank more lol. We watched it and obv the progressive arm over the shoulder and then he put both his arms around me. He complimented my nail polish lol. It was nice to watch something with someone for once. he rested his face on my head, so I felt his scruff. He'd smell me and lightly kiss/bite my ear. He told me my hair smelled so nice, so I said thanks, I didn't even wash it! l o l There was also a scene where the girls check out a guy's ass, and he's like so is that a thing girls being into asses? I was like you're asking someone in the minority, but yes it is a thing. A nice ass is good to have, but I'm pretty indifferent. He replied with "so you're a boobs person" yes. After ep 2 finished, I finally got up to go to the rr and felt a mild buzz at best. Did my round of snapchats, came back, and the room was totally dark. My initial thought was DAMMIT I WANTED ANOTHER EP OF STRANGER THINGS UGH.Well I knew the drill, I sat down to kiss him, then I straddled him. Afterwards, he held me tightly then carried me to his bed and put me down lightly. (I also dr when, but I felt his arms at one point when they were flexed and was like ZAMN lol) He took off my shorts and just went down on me, which felt like an eternity, but I think it was around 20 minutes. Holy shit best 20 minutes of my life for sure. Not sure if I orgasmed or not, but it was literally mind blowing lmao. At one point, I told him to grab my boobs too (and I've never instructed anyone to do anything before hah hah).  He went psycho down there. I'm usually pretty quiet when the things happen, and I'll grunt/moan at best, but I was actually cussing out loud and saying his name too, which I normally do not do. It was AMAZINGGGGGGG, he just got more and more intense, it almost became too much for me to handle. I remember him saying "Oh this tastes so damn good". It started to hurt, but it felt so pleasurable too. 10/10, A1, all the accolates for sure. Idek if he ever even went up for air. I would never have expected it from here. For sure, he went down on me like a possessed person. After he finished, I had to return the favor, and ugh I HATE BLOW JOBS LOL. They're exhausting for my mouth.I was so tired of smelling my saliva too, but dick feels/tastes good. I deep throated him a few times, but I didn't want to leave it too long, bc I didn't wanna gag, and he had good dick. haha I got really tired after a certain point, so I just gave him a hand job on my knees, silently praying for him to cum, so I wouldn't have to put his dick back into my mouth. Lmao. He ended up getting on top of me and I could feel his dick touching me and almost inside of me, so I just said do you have a condom? He went to go put it on. Then I don't think he could find it, so I slid it in. It didn't feel astronomically different, it just felt like a different sensation, since it was something new entering me. I was just getting used to it, so I wasn't too into the pleasure of it, though it did feel good. I can't really explain it. It didn't hurt when we were in missionary or doggy style. When we were doing doggy style, he couldn't find it, so I kept putting it in and it'd slip out, then he put it in my butthole, and I was like nope, and he just started laughing bc this had been after multiple tries haha. I put it in correctly, but since we were at different angles, it just wouldn't stay, it slipped once, and my vagina was just clamping around it, and he didn't even realize, so I just let him have a go at it before I told him it was outside lmao. He was grabbing my boobs then too, and he said out loud "God, I love your tits." Then he made me go on top, and I put it in but it hurt so much at that point and he was touching my clit, and it was overwhelming for me, and I didn't even know what to do. I should've went down and used his shoulders as something to hold on and thrust like that instead of riding him like a cowgirl lmao. It hurt, and Idk whether he could sense I didn't like it or that he wanted action, but he turned me over and just did missionary again. He came inside of me and just left his dick inside and kissed me so tenderly. It was so nice. Afterward he pulled out, and we just held each other in a full embrace with our bodies fully intertwined for 2 minutes or so. It was such a nice moment. Post-coital bliss/afterglow IS A VERY REAL THING. I loved it so much. It was such an intimate and personal moment -- possibly one of the most intimate/vulnerable moments ever. Then I said I'mma go use the restroom and attempted to find my clothes in the dark. He went to the restroom first, while Iooked for my shorts. I couldn't find anything else. He turned the lights on, and I was like Im just gonna wear your shirt since I can't find my shirt, so he just stood in front of me as I put his shirt on. I don't mind too much about the boobs. I wore my shorts without underwear, so when I went to the rr, I saw hints of blood on my short bc I was spotting. I was like fuck, I forgot about this. I wore my shorts without underwear, then idk when I went to the rr again to put on my underwear. Afterward, we watched one more ep of Stranger Things, and he just wrapped both his arms around me while I laid my head in the nook of his shoulders. We were exhausted afterwards, honestly I was exhausted during the entire thing and just wanted to sleep.We both crawled into bed and I took inner left, and he just draped his arms and body over me. He knocked out immediately and started snoring into my right ear. I laid there petrified and thinking oh fuck me, I am not going to sleep tonight BC HE SNORES AND I DON'T HAVE EARPLUGS. I could hear the piercing sound of silence so clearly! I was delirious and felt like I was living in a lucid nightmare bc I kept thinking we were inside a restaurant area and there were a bunch of food trucks around like in Austin. I wanted thai food, he was standing next to a bbq stand, and I was like how are they even gonna make food for us at this hour and where would they even make it?? I got up bc I needed to pee and it was 6 am, I stumbled when I got out not realizing how fucking tired I was. When I peed, I looked at the toilet and it was completely bright red. I was like fuck. I came back and he asked me if I threw up. I was like what lol no. I finally was able to sleep on and off after. At one point, he cuddled up to me and he was sleeping in the upper bed with just sheets, then I think he got too cold and migrated to the lower bed with blankets. Also he sleeps on his back, so it's hard for him to cuddle with me and sleep, since I'm a side sleeper haha. Idr most of the morning, but he awoke around 9 ish and I woke up for a bit too. He asked me if I slept well, and I said not really. He asked if he snored too, and I said yeah. He said I'm so sorry, you should have kicked me. I rolled over and said out loud "I'm so cold, do you have any blankets?" He said yes, he took the blankets and draped it over me and then went under them and cuddled up with me, UGH LOVED IT. He's so sweet. He went over me and cuddled me from behind on the left side bc I turned over. He wrapped himself around me once more and we fit so perfectly. He would fondle me, he did this for the past hour, but I was too self conscious about spotting and also I WAS EXHAUSTED, I couldn't open my eyes. I thought abt it so many times -- turning over and playing with him too for morning foreplay -- but I couldn't bring myself to. I needed the sleep. He laid on my hair so many times and I was like T_T He kissed the back of my neck and just softly caressed my stomach side boob top of vag. He nibbled at my ear too, it was all so nice and comforting. I was just too tired, I couldn't do it. sorry bro bro. Then at 11:30, I finally woke up and was on my phone scrolling thru insta. I also dr when but he saw my phone screen with all my nieces and nephews and went "oh how cute!!" -__- did I say you could look? He's like do you wanna go get breakfast burritos, then I got right out of bed. and he said I thought you'd be more excited by that...I was like well I finally got out of bed after 9 hrs, what more do you want? Then he said yeah I woke up earlier, but I knew you were tired so I let you sleep. lol lol lol. For some reason, he asked me if he should wear his half fabric/leather kinna like brogues, but not quite out or chukka boots, and I was like chukka boots all the way. I also asked him if he had listerine or anything I could use to clean my teeth, and he's like uhh...have you tried the finger with toothpaste method before. I said yeah lol. There was so mcuh freaking toothpaste leftover in my mouth. omGOD. He said "I would've told you t bring your own toothbrush, but that would've been presumptuous." I also changed in his restroom bc I said I was gonna pee as well, Idk just thought it'd be weird to change in front of him. Ok it wouldn't be weird, I'd just feel weird haha. We left to grab breakfast. He ordered first and the cashier was like is that all, and he kinna stood there awkwardly while I stood way behind bc I was just gonna pay for myself. Then he bought my food for me, and it was kinna weird lmao. We sat across from each other talking about politics (ofc!) and he held never moved his gaze from my face, and all I could think was omg I haven't washed my face, I dont even have makeup on anymore. GOD. The burrito was pretty good. The conversation was so casual, everything was so casual as if nothing happened hahaha. We walked back to the car, he sat down and he blurted out in a hushed manner "I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue last night." I lold so fucking hard and just said GG bc what ELSE WOULD I SAY?? HAHAHA He's like what does that mean? Then blah blah he asked me about parks & rec, and said he's a lot like Chris Traeger bc he's really optimistic and we were talking abt the word literally. I said I'm a lot like April Ludgate. He said oh I can totally see that. I saw it in the text that you sent me yday. People tell me I'm kind of like Andy Dwyer. I was like what are you implying? That we're gonna fall in love bc you're not my type. Anyway he parked in front of me, so I just kinna walked to my car and peaced out. He walked over and wanted a hug, and I was like ugh making it so awkward, so I gave him a hug and saw he wasn't gonna go down for a kiss then he did last minute, and it was so messy and jumbled and it was a quick peck. lol. To describe him physically, I'd say he's very affectionate, sweet, gentle, cuddly, and romantic. The sex was 6/10, but I think it's bc first time and also him going down on me was way better haha

Memo

"The way you are now. The way you've been treating me from the past few months. Your behaviour towards me. Your disrespect. Your ignorance. Is this really real? Is this really the way you think of me? Or is it really the way you are? Do you really not care if I'm sick or I'm in trouble or I'm in pain, does it really not bother you at all? Or I'm living in a dilemma that behind that everything, that every rude remark, that distrust, that ignorance, that mask, there's a inner more deeper side which does actually cares but due to some reasons you think it's better not to? Can't you see how much I'm suffering right now? That one hope that there's something, something that you don't understand, you can't explain, but it's there and you've gotta hold on. Cause you know she's one hella kinda girl and one day you'll regret not holding on. I was always so sure about you. Right from the beginning, i was always sure about you and still I am. If its the other way around, if you really don't 'feel' anything. If what you've shown me, is real. 'That' is real, then tell me if that's the case. From the beginning I wanted to have this conversation with you. A mature talk as we supposed we should have. It was dis judgemental of me to try and carry it out over phone. We messed up. We messed up in every way we can imagine, but that's never stopped me from believing in 'US'. Never even for second I thought ourselves as a lost cause. I never stopped believing and never let go of that hope. I'm not writing this to convince you of anything, I'm writing this for me. I'm not well, I'm really not well. My mind has become a battleground of thoughts. One says move on, other says hold on. I keep having conversations with people in my mind on how I'll fix this when it's time to. The conversations with your friends and mine, sometimes even you. And even I don't want to push you for answers. I don't want you to give a answer right away just because I'm asking you. I don't know if what I'm saying now is making any sense or not. I really wanted to avoid any technological approach. Sitting together across a bench and talk over things is actually better. In person, face to face, that's when you can solve a issue, if there's one, and find a solution for it. Why do you think our presidents and prime ministers fly across the world for meetings? That's a different thing but a good example of one. And even I can understand, for personal growth. People leave, yes they do. But I never did. Did you? You never said goodbye, you never said anything regarding the same. Do you know how hard is it to assume things, to conclude things solely on facts, behaviour, your state of mind? I've imagined so many times, imagined it even from your point of view. Imagined what your judgement would be. What might be your thoughts. I tired to find the answers which I never got. I never wanted us to be a tragedy. From the beginning, if you might've noticed, I never let anger came in between, I never let my ego, my problems let between us, no matter how bothered, how busy, how occupied or however tired I was, I always, mostly, tried my best to never let those come in between us. I care for you, yes, but I'm not the type of person who shows care in anger or violence. If I care, I'll tell you accordingly, that's how I am. I should not be talking about what I've done or what not. Right now I'm saying is, pick a place. Speak. Tell me what you from your life. Tell me you want me to be part of it or not? Surely you have so many things at your hand right now rather than to discuss relationships at the moment. I'm so much troubled by your thoughts. I wish I weren't. That's how it is when you feel too deep and the other person doesn't feel a thing. I can't blame you nor me. This type of things happens, it's just, why is it happening to us. Why is it happening to me now. I was so happy earlier, before you came in my life, and when you came, I was much more happier, it felt like I was living, I wondered how someone could actually make you feel alive, how could someone care for you so much, miss you so much, talk to you so much and never get bored, when you're away they get furious about you being away, how could someone 'know' you. You could get under my skin, you knew exactly what I was thinking, it scared me yes, but in a different way. In a good kinda way. Imagine taking all that away in an instant. From the beginning I told you I'd trust issues. But you gained my trust. I never thought anyone would be able to but you did. And suddenly your priorities changed and I couldn't cope with it. It threw me off. Yes I know I was being immature. I still am. But that doesn't change anything. I'm tired and I'm lost.I've become a mess. I need you now more than ever and you're not here. Why is this happening to me? I never deserved to go through this. I seriously never thought any bad for one. I never judge, I never belittle, I really try never to hurt anyone by the words I say, unless someone pushes me off yes I hate myself for that because when I do, I say terrible things but still do avoid it, I always tries to help anyone without discrimination, I'm also very emotionally attached to my little things, I still have my little phone and kept it safe since I've bought it. I cherish each and everything i have. Did I really had to go through this? Just because I feel and have a understanding nature, gives people no right to treat me this way, but why do I still let you? If everyday waking up with your thoughts, going through the day with your thoughts, studying with your thoughts, eating with your thoughts, doing errands with your thoughts, going to bed with your thoughts, dreaming of you, sometimes a brief, sometimes a short one, and the process repeats everyday. Carrying all the pain inside, still hiding it over with a smile, waking up to see if there's a text from you or not and getting disappointed when there's none even though you already knew. Every time the phone vibrates and if its not you I'd curse the caller or texter or myself even for expecting the same.I've to listen to all those love songs, those sad ones too and act like their lyrics don't bother. I've to listen to friends talking about their love life, how great it's going, Ihave to sit there and listen to them. They ask about presents, my roommate asked from where I had bought that pendant. "I have to buy one",he said. I simply told him the address and excused myself saying I was busy that day. How could I go back to that place again? It doesn't ends here, then there's talking on the phone. There's them talking on phone in early morning and noon and late night, I literally have to run to find a lone place for me to sit. It brings back memories on 'how we used to'. Each and everything reminds me on 'how we used to' - do this-do that-talk about this-talk about that. And it's tiring. It's frying my brain. I use my pillow to muffle my cries and sometimes my throat is so dry to make any. It's pure torture. I have each and every picture of you in my phone still now. Even the ones you sent me of landscape and places. I've lost a few in hike. And sometimes I see them. Re-read our conversation and laughs at my stupid texts and starts missing you more. Miss your nudges, miss your voice, miss everything that makes you You. The little things, the little gestures, the little fights..and it's no ones fault. Not your,not mine. Why do I still believe in you? Why do I still believe that...you.. Do I have to make all the decisions? I don't want to do all the work. I think it's better to say what's on your mind rather than let people wonder when it's obviously hurting them to see through both the sides. Maybe it's time to talk. How long do you plan to run away? It was easy for you to say,"It was my fault from the beginning, I should not have talked to you." Discarding 3 months of 'friendship'. Saying it was a 'mistake'. You don't go playing around with people hearts just because you had a moment. And it's running away. I was and I am so patient with you. Three Months. Saying 'that' three months were a 'mistake'! The moments I considered most beautiful, the moments which made me happy, the moments I shared with you, the memories I made with you, the future I want with you, the sacrifices, the efforts I made, just to make you happy, just to make you smile, just to see YOU smile, all that 'mistake'? Was it really that? Was that all a dream? A sweet dream? I hope no one goes through and experience what I am right now. Cause it kills you. When you gave so much of yourself to someone, and that person just throws it away, a part of you dies, but why do i still want to be with you? I still believe, i still hope that there's something and I must hold on. Something is shouting in my head, that no matter what, keep believing in you and her and keep it together. You'll eventually be okay one day and you'll be glad you held on. Is there really something like that? Answer me truly and most honestly. What is it that you want? Ease me of this pain if you ever cared enough about me, for the sake of old days. Please do." 3:41 am. Aarush finally sent the text message which he had drafted a week ago. His head was throbbing.Setting aside his notes and reference books he pulled up his quilt as he felt cold. Fewer must have risen. He thought. He pulled the quilt closer now and hunched under it slowly closing his eyes allowing his thoughts to take him over. With all that chaos in his head, he silently wished for her reply in the morning before he wakes up. Expecting her to say something after a month of 'leaving her alone'. "You need to start studying Aarush", he was talking to himself now. "Even today you did nothing but flipping through the pages while having your thoughts on an completely different thing! You need to stop thinking about her or else... You need to grasp the seriousness of this situation!" "I know that!", his conscious defends. "Just once this mess is cleared, I'll be able to concentrate. I just hope she responds. Whatever her answer might be, I am ready for it", he breathes. "Shut the fuck up for now. You need rest or else your health will worsen." The meds working their magic, he finally slept despite the voices in his head. He wakes hazily with his head still throbbing and his tee sticking to his body. "I am sweating",he noticed. Before looking at his phone, he got up, went to the sink, turned the knob and splashed water on his face. One. Two. Three times. He felt sick. His looked himself in the mirror. His eyes red and shrunken in its socket. Paler skin and much lesser cheeks. "I need to trim", he thought looking at his unkempt beard. "And a haircut too." He sighed. Damping his face he picks up his phone. Uncertainty clouding his thoughts, he thought better and sat on bed unlocking his phone. He could hear his heart pump blood. Silently cursing it for not sticking to it's assigned job. "If only you hadn't interfered", he thought. With shaky fingers he clicks on WhatsApp icon. He scrolls down and pauses. His hands shakes and vision blurs. His heart suddenly silent now. Numb.