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phdguides · 6 months

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9 things you should consider before pursuing a PhD Degree

Have you completed your postgraduate studies and are now considering adding another feather to your hat with a PhD degree?

PhD is a higher level of qualification that will not be as easy a route as other degrees. You have heard similar statements from many people, and they’re probably not incorrect.

There are numerous factors to consider before diving into the world of academia. As a result, we’ve written this article to help you clarify your perspective on PhD studies.

After speaking with PhD candidates, we identified nine significant factors that you should consider before deciding to join the elite society of scholars.

9 essential things to consider before pursuing a PhD degree:

Be completely sure about pursuing a PhD degree

This is, without a doubt, the most important factor to consider before pursuing a PhD. You must be absolutely certain before embarking on this path, as it will not be an easy one.

No, I’m not trying to scare you, but I do want to warn you that researching for a PhD is a time-consuming and stressful process. Instead of studying what is already available, you must provide a new solution to the topic you have chosen.

As a result, this will be a rollercoaster ride, and you should only consider it if you are willing to invest a significant amount of time and are extremely passionate about finding a solution in your desired field.

Choose topic

Spend some time considering the topic or subjects in which you want to pursue your PhD. Shortlist the topics that interest you, discuss them with professors and research students, and gather all the information you can.

This will allow you to gain a thorough understanding of the topics on which you wish to focus your PhD research and help you make an informed decision. It is important to choose a topic about which you are passionate.

Because you will be researching it for the next 4 to 5 years, so it should be something you’re interested in, not something you’re not.

Choose supervisor

Throughout your PhD, your supervisor will be your primary point of contact. He or she will advise, mentor, and assist you in your research.

As a result, it is essential that you select a supervisor who is an expert in your chosen field rather than someone with broad knowledge of the subject. Only if your supervisor is well-versed in the subject will he or she be able to guide you effectively.

It will be difficult for you to complete your doctorate on time if they have to search or read for themselves first. Research thoroughly and only approaches the supervisor for your PhD degree when you are certain, as the supervisor influences not only your research but also your career beyond your PhD.

Choose university

Not every university offers a PhD in the subject or topic of your choice. Besides the location of the university also matter whether it is feasible for your research or not. Furthermore, where do you want to pursue your PhD from?

This is also an important question to answer if you want to pursue your PhD in India or abroad. If travelling abroad is what interests you, you also have to choose a country as well.

You must also consider the scholarships and admissions process of the university to which you wish to apply. After collecting all of your data, determine which universities you are eligible for and apply accordingly.

How you are going to pay

Let’s be realistic here. Doing a PhD is a time-consuming job that requires a lot of resources to conduct research, as well as funding for these resources, admission fees, tuition fees, travel, and so on.

Working full-time while pursuing a PhD is a pipe dream that is difficult to realize. So the question is how will you manage your finances?

There could be two possibilities. First and foremost, you must have a family who supports you and can financially fund you. Second, you can apply for various PhD scholarships offered by various national and international institutes.

You can learn about PhD scholarships by visiting the UGC portal or by visiting the page of the specific fellowship. Check the eligibility requirements and apply accordingly.

Make a schedule

After you’ve completed all of the preceding tasks, the next step is to be organized. You will conduct research and will need to read and comprehend a great deal of data.

As a result, it is always preferable to create a proper schedule of what you intend to do first, the experiments and surveys you intend to conduct, and so on.

This will allow you to organize your research and avoid ambiguity. You can better manage your time and even find time to work on your thesis.

Take careful notes

You may have a fantastic memory, but with so much information, there is a good chance you will overlook some facts. That is why it is always a good idea to take notes.

It will make your work much easier and will be of great assistance when writing your dissertation and thesis. Take notes on everything, even the seemingly insignificant details.

You will need a lot of data to back up your research, so don’t skip anything and collect everything. You can always fine-tune it later.

Create a network

You’re working on your PhD, so you’ll be meeting a lot of people for research or other purposes. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Reach out to people from different fields and create a network.

Having a network of like-minded individuals and industry experts is always beneficial. Don’t limit yourself; instead, push the envelope and include people in your network.

After all, pursuing a PhD does not imply focusing solely on research, but also on the overall development of your personality.

Keep your work-life balance

A PhD is a full-time job with no leaves. There will be no weekends or set times to be free, and you may feel guilty for not doing certain things even after working so hard.

However, you must exercise caution. You must understand that taking breaks is essential for staying motivated and energized. You don’t have to isolate yourself from everyone because taking time for yourself and your loved ones is completely appropriate. You don’t need to pressurize yourself.

Conclusion

If you have read all of the points and still think you can achieve your doctorate goal. You should definitely go ahead with it. However, if you have any doubts, you should reconsider your decision. Because PhD study will require a full-time commitment, you should only commit when you are fully prepared.

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brf-rumortrackinganon · 3 months

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Diana and the countryside/outdoors.

I think she was more girly and just hated the outdoors because of the weather, mud, walking etc. and I think she wouldn’t like hunting as she comes across as someone genuinely empathetic towards animals not just humans. I think Diana had her issues emotionally and was at times stunted. But I think she liked the outdoors when around children and playing with them? Diana did come from the aristocracy and would’ve understood the aristocratic set’s behaviours and hobbies like hunting and that stuff and unlike Meghan wouldn’t have stopped or changed it. I just don’t see her as big on that stuff. I think as well that Diana grew up around that stuff and seeing how dysfunctional her family was that she wanted away from it. I think she’d enjoy Catherine’s outdoors program and ideas for kids and having it help them.

I think Diana was obviously in an illmatched arranged marriage and while she and Charles could get along and had some affection for each other, that it just didn’t work out. I think that factored into the whole situation as Highgrove would’ve meant Diana was either home with Charles alone or alone with Charles and baby William and like Catherine’s said being alone or isolated away from friends or family can be stifling and bad on health. Meghan was finally in the A List and didn’t want to miss out on everything she had spent her entire life scrambling and screaming for and wanted the nonstop drama and attention.

I think Diana always knew she’d end up married to some baronet or something like that and in a little life where she lived in an old estate or manor but I don’t know if she’d be happy in that situation because she grew up at Althorp and elsewhere and it was obviously unhappy. But I do think she would have respected the houses?

Diana did call the paps on occasion but the paps back then were unregulated and out of control and she was harassed and threatened and abused nonstop by them and obviously overplayed her hand at times but she didn’t really know what to do. Meghan calls the paps nonstop and wants to be followed and harassed, because then she feels she has made it. She doesn’t understand the effect that the paps had on Diana and Catherine and others who didn’t call them.

I think Diana was a social butterfly in a way and enjoyed being around people and had a genuine connection with those around her in whatever way - Meghan doesn’t have this and never will.

Diana did respect the system, the monarchy and aristocracy and she was very much a snob who saw herself a cut above the rest due to being a daughter of an earl. Look how she treated Sophie and other women. I do think Diana suffered from jealousy and anxiety that being stuck away from everything and everyone would have her mind running 100mph over and over again that people were talking about her etc.

Diana hated the feeling of being replaced or forgot about or passed over, which stems from her childhood trauma. Meghan however hates not being the centre of attention, because she is narcissistic and sociopathic in that she sees herself as the best thing since sliced bread.

Meghan looks out for only Meghan - not her kids, not her husband or her friends… but Diana did look out for her sons, her husband when things were fine and did have some good friendships.

Diana made mistakes, but sometimes they were misguided or manipulated, she wasn’t the smartest and does seem to have wanted to see the best in people. Meghan doesn’t make mistakes, she makes deliberate bad decisions that she doesn’t care about the outfall or outcome as she only looks out for herself.

Here's another anon about Diana that I keep forgetting to post.

Anon hits it right on the head. No matter she did, Diana's intentions were always pure. That's why so many people love her and embrace her, even to this day. She knew how to put others before herself. She may not have been a country girl and may have preferred being in the city, but she knew the countryside was important to her heritage and her family so she could deal with it and she could find some pleasure in being out there in the mud with her boys.

#ask #brf #diana

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autisticgirliesbracket · 11 months

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What makes Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Twilight-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a screenshot of Twilight Sparkle in the top left corner. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"nerd"

"Her defining character trait at the start of the show is trouble making friends and loving to read. She gets better at making friends but still loves to read and study magic. She’s very into the history of magic and geeks out over historical figures like Starswirl the Bearded. She also loves to organize things and she’s very particular about everything being in its correct place. If someone moves her stuff out of place it makes her stressed and her idea of a good time is reorganizing all of her books. Also she lived in a library and she’s a princess <3"

"This is sorta stereotypical but she's obsessed with science, order, books and list making, plus magic, but magic is normal in Equestria. Also, she was rather stringent in her scheduling. She never cared about friendship before she had friends and once she did, she had many, many, many lessons to learn! Her lessons in friendship helped me too! She also never seemed to know what was expected of her or what was right socially from wrong."

"She loves books and lives in a library and starts out not very good at making friends and not very interested in it either, but eventually she comes around on it, but she's still into being extremely nerdy and studying things like history and magic, and her organizational skill are unbelievably good. Honestly, she comes off with a touch of OCD too because she's also incredibly anxious and it's very important to her that everything is in its place, but in the Equestria Girls spin-off which takes place in an alternate reality where everyone is human instead of pony, the version of her who lives there is a STEM girlie who hides in her lab all the time, which is even more autistic of her."

"Socially awkward bookworm who is so focused on her studies that her mentor has to send her to friendship grad school so she can finally make friends. Ends up making the study of friendship her special interest and hyperfixates on it so hard that she becomes a princess through sheer magical force."

"Her Everything...hugely passionate about academics and magic but struggles with social norms but when she does find friends becomes very dedicated to them. often gets caught up in her own ideas and forgets to consult others and has to be gently reminded. more that i can't remember because i haven't watched mlp in a while but come on we all know twilight. the girl ever"

"Extremely knowledgeable on her subject of choice, has trouble understanding social cues and others feelings."

"She is obsessed with magic and science and has trouble relating to other people (er, ponies) and has few close relationships in the beginning, plus, she tends to have episodes when her schedules and routines are disrupted."

"I don't have the energy right now but her entire arc throughout the series is basically learning social cues. There's also some episodes early on that show her trying to find explanations to thing that don't have a clear answer, which I can relate to a lot. She also over prepares for things like tests and spends a LOT of time reading, which I kinda see as her special interest!"

"didn't feel a need to connect with her peers as a child and preferred reading books (relatable), sometimes takes expressions literally, has "obscure" interests, at times has difficulty "reading the room," can get lost in projects she's working on (her library goes back and forth from clear floors to many stacks of books all around depending on her current focus), is a perfectionist, plans things meticulously (has checklists for just about everything), and once had a sleepover "by the book" (followed the instructions in a book on how to have a sleepover step by step)."

"She is very smart academically, but lacking is social department (she gets better at it though as she makes friends). She likes routine, and things not going to plan is enough to send her into a stress spiral. She is passionate about magic and studying, which could be her special interests"

"Misunderstands social cues. Very studious, special interests in magic and Starswirl the Bearded. Only friends at the beginning of the series were her siblings and her teacher. Comforted by routines and organization. Link!"

"Constantly studying, to the point where at the start of the show she didn't want friends because they would get in the way of her studying. Not because she felt that she had to, but because it made her happy and it was her favorite activity. Extremely organized, she can't carry out a task if she can't make a fully-detailed list and plan. Is also abnormally talented at magic, which she has been passionate about since she was young, and more often than not she struggles to read social cues."

"she may be like the poster child for ocd and autism like just look at her. She was so bad at hanging out with people and making friends and she was such a bookworm who was obsessed with nothing but her studies of choice that her mentor had to ASSIGN HER TO MAKE FRIENDS. like the only way this girlie was gonna get along with people was if she was at risk of disappointing her mentor. Her special talent is magic and shes dedicated her life to figuring it out. So much so that when told to make friends she managed to uncover and spread the MAGIC of friendship. Like she had to include magic in it. And this lady just cannot take a hint. She never gets social cues. When one of her friends gets into a book seires that she likes the two of them bonded over it so much. Like twilight was fangirling all over the place." End ID.]

#autistic girlies bracket #autistic girlie masterpost #my little pony friendship is magic #twilight sparkle

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cypriathus · 4 months

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If it's okay can I please ask how would your OCS react and think of kianna komori

Nawovuherszi: She'll find Kianna to be very intriguing and pretty cute, but also fearsome. She has never seen anyone like her before and she can't help but admire the type of clothing she wears. Nawovuherszi will have an urge to converse with Kianna in order to understand her point of view and where her emotions are stemming from.

Hirmenogaldus: She might be a bit unsure and suspicious of her first, but that will change when she gets a read on her emotions. She can read the emotions of others through their aura and, as a result, she'll automatically feel sympathetic towards her. Hirmenogaldus immensely struggles with her own trauma and possesses a sort of respect towards those who have fearful experiences, even if they're different from hers. She'll also think that the type of clothing she wears is beautiful and noble-esque.

Ephoszumina: She wouldn't have much interest in Kianna at first as she's more preoccupied with her mental health, work, friends, and family. She also finds her to be off-putting and wouldn't know how to properly approach her. If Selatobhun was to do so, she would more likely just listen to her problems and give advice rather than anything else. Due to Kianna having trauma, she's afraid that she might cause problems and genuinely doesn't want to make enemies out of her.

Zelutjoskhriva: He would be fascinated and slightly intimidated by Kianna as he has a lot of respect for females and the matriarchy. He would be very wise about his word choices because he hates being unreasonably sarcastic and disrespectful towards women. He also doesn't want to accidentally trigger Kianna's trauma and make enemies out of her.

Smajuzhoktrine: She finds that all humans are peculiar in a complex, yet perfectly interesting. So, Kianna won't be an expectation and she'll try to understand every inch about her in order to satisfy Hernuzokial's curiosity.

Tefsakomphuni: He prefers legitimately engaging with adults rather than younger generations because that's what makes him more comfortable (unless there is a reason such as family members). Terpzakombinus would most likely think that the way Kianna dresses looks stupid. The reason why is because it's completely different to what he's seen in his universe. He would also have difficulty trusting her unless she finds a way to prove herself right.

Uyrvawoledius: She tries not to engage with other people unless she can use them to achieve a greater purpose or she's feeling lonely and needs more companionship. She thinks that Kianna dresses very modestly and might be interested in learning more about her.

Odarkhenius: She would have a hard time trusting and conversing with Kianna. It's mainly because Odarkhenius is quite socially awkward, she has deep seeded trauma, and English is not her first language. She might feel some sort of empathy and concern, but it will take a while for her to warm up and fully appreciate the uniqueness and struggles of Kianna.

Tighezorvanus/Velabhortius/Mulavozje: Tighezorvanus would find her sense of fashion to be kind of strange, but that won't discourage him from making a potential friend. He enjoys making others happy and finds comfort in conversing with people. Velabhortius would pretend that he has sympathy for Kianna, but ultimately doesn't care about her. He would rather stay far away from or try to kill her than actually befriend her and understand her personal struggles. Mulavozje will most likely be a bit suspicious and unsure about her at first. He'll eventually open up and become more empathetic towards her if they befriend or try to understand each other.

Eymaphorvius: She would think that the way Kianna dresses is too girly for her liking and even old-fashioned. She'll also find her to be suspicious and will have difficulty trusting her personal integrity. If they build a worthwhile friendship, Eymaphorvius would better understand Kianna as a person and her struggles. She can honestly relate to having trauma and how it negatively affects her. She'll also block out any negative thoughts she originally had about Kianna.

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namethatghostling · 10 months

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Give me your strong opinions/headcanons on Harley Quinn❤️🖤

Transgender

had a pretty intense and genuinely embarrassing truecrime girly phase through like her late teens/college. probably would have started a podcast if shed had the ability at the time.

i think that and her desire to pursue a career in psychiatry/work at arkham sorta stem from this same root interest in like understanding why certain people commit violent crimes which was well-intended but ultimately came from a kind of ableist place. like she always sympathized really heavily with the people in her care but also like subconsciously saw a lot of them as these poor lost little lambs that needed her help rather than full complex human beings and thats what kinda fucked her in the end.

generally an empathetic person. tends to take on other peoples burdens. sometimes to an unhealthy degree.

i think her and bruce actually have a lot in common in that regard and when theyre not actively at odds they vibe p well for that and other reasons. also shes just the sort of person whos rly easy to get along with. she may one of if not the only rogue who none of the others rly has any lasting beef with.

bi and poly (this is basically canon anyway). i feel like some ppl tend to act as if shes only ever dated the joker and pamela but i def think shes been in and out of a lot of relationships over the years, some better than others.

she has a bad habit of 1) finding kinda messed up power dynamics a lil sexy and 2) harboring some serious "i can fix them" energy when it comes to her more obviously misguided crushes. she likes the security of a partner who she feels like will take care of her but who still relies on her emotionally and unfortunately some people use that to take advantage.

i dont know if she would necessarily consciously identify as a Femme but like. she soo is.

this is like more related to my specific dyke scarecrow au than anything canon but i see them as old exes. in true dyke fashion, they have stayed good friends in spite of the breakup. take this one or leave it but either way i like the two of them as besties soo much.

has always struggled with this impulse towards violence especially when shes feeling restless or manic. (i say struggled but shes probably having a blast with it now) i think in the past she was very self conscious about this (especially when she was newly out and trying very hard to be perceived as feminine) and tried very hard to present herself as someone self contained and in control. for better or for worse, shes much happier when shes allowed to be a force of chaos.

lowkey had a weeb phase. still very much loves j-fashion and magical girl anime. plays some video games but largely prefers the feel of a big clunky cabinet arcade game over a home console. its the buttons, the lights, the ability to loudly and dramatically tip the whole thing over if youre mad enough about losing. has watched mlp. fav is pinkie pie. obviously.

there is an aspect of her like hyper girly almost childish persona which is kind of a performance. like. it is her to a degree, but its also kind of a coping mechanism. almost like a form of drag, shes leaning into the stereotype to get a rise out of people or to protect herself. sometimes both at once. the few people who really know her well enough will start to notice little tells to differentiate when shes really feeling the vibe and when shes deliberately putting on a show.

has definitely given herself a shit haircut/dye job while in a depression spiral.

generally its just like. she feels so so so so so much all the time like oh my god make it stop for two seconds.

theres probs more but this is what i feel certain of in this moment ✌️

#ask #i should probs start tagging dc posts or smth huh?#..........hm #harley quinn

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featherssideblog · 2 years

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Feathers Reacts: Motorcity - Episode 11 - Off the Rack

Time for more Motorcity! Now with more Julie. :)

Episode 11 Thoughts

Oh, the Burners are helping refugees from Deluxe escape! I'm really curious about what exactly the political situation is in Deluxe - how much of the population opposes Kane? I mean, they live in a corporate dictatorship, but it seems entirely possible for someone like Claire to never feel like their freedoms have been limited, and to be extremely sheltered from the violence caused by Kane's expansionist tendencies. Anybody doing polls up in Deluxe? XD

Julie, Julie, Julie. Do you feel guilty because you couldn't help the Burners on this particular mission, or do you feel guilty because you're keeping secrets, or do you feel guilty because your dad is a cruel person with anger management issues who you love anyway? Because I have a feeling all of that guilt is about to result in some real unfortunate decisions.

Claire's total lack of understanding about why Julie is rebelling against Deluxe is just so darn intriguing to me. No understanding of broader social causes - maybe that's the effect of propaganda, maybe it's a bit of willful ignorance given that she's met people from Motorcity - but she's incredibly loyal to Julie on a personal level. Claaaaaaaire I wanna know more about what goes on in your brain!!!

Julie's acting out mission impossible here XD

Texas . . . don't be a bully. :( What's up with you, man? I know he's not the best on picking up on other people's emotions, but this "Miss Deluxe" feels very targeted. On the other hand - Texas is a big bundle of machismo, which - I mean, that sort of braggadocio and extreme performance of masculinity often implies a lot of insecurities. In which case you could interpret his behavior as a projection of his own need to be perceived as masculine. Since Julie is "one of the guys" in his head, she falls into the category of "people whose gender I need to police to make sure I'm not girly."

Mike: "You don't need to prove anything." This guy is so good to his friends, I am filled with warmth.

"The percentage of defecting Deluxians is miniscule." Ahhhh, so this answers some of my questions from the beginning of the episode. And Kane's reply! "We lost Mike Chilton and look where that got us." It's really all about Mike, isn't it? Kane would expand into Motorcity even if Mike hadn't defected, but I wonder how much of his wrath towards the place is specifically about losing control of his prize cadet.

Uhhhhh those cube things don't have people in them, right?? No, the Burners definitely just took down some buildings. Well, now Kane is launching actual human beings at their cars. I guess everybody's wearing invulnerability suits, so no harm done, but holy shit. If there are no casualties here it'll be a miracle.

HAHAHAHAHA oh my GOD Kane's advertisement for Kane Shades with his naked sweating muscular chest, what the HELL?? It's making me think of various other real-life dictators and autocrats who have tried to hype their own sex appeal in state propaganda. XD

Julie: "Are you insane??" Mike: "You'll be fine; you've got the safety suit!" Julie: "Yeah, but what about you??" Mike: "I've got Mutt" :) Mike is such an adrenaline junkie

With Kane pulling crap like this it's a wonder there isn't a higher percentage of defectors. Ahhh but he blamed the Burners. I see.

Concluding Thoughts:

It seems like it never really sunk in for Julie that she doesn't need to prove anything to anyone. And I think that indicates that her insecurity stems from guilt about lying to her teammates and guilt about her father, because those are the things that haven't changed. At least she can confide in Claire.

And speaking of Claire! What an intriguing character! She's not about to join the revolution, per se, but on the other hand she is absolutely risking her life when she lies to Kane to cover for Julie. I love it. :)

Texas is just. A lot. In Texas-ify It, he was slightly humbled by realizing he had misplaced the trust he put in Kaia, but I wonder if we're going to get a Texas-centric episode where he learns to be generally more emotionally aware. We don't need Mike levels of intuitive empathy here, just - I think it would be interesting to poke a little bit more at his character and why he behaves the way he does, and what it would take to get him to make an effort to change his behavior for his friends.

#motorcity #julie kane #mike chilton #claire motorcity #texas motorcity #motorcity episode 11 off the rack

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limborooster · 1 year

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going to spit out my thoughts here pardon me

i’m irrationally afraid my cats will forget me and not like me anymore while i’m off living in a dorm fr two years and then when i can move off campus and they can live with me they won’t like it

i’m rationally afraid that my elderly cat will die while i’m 2.5 hours away at school and even if i leave for home immediately when my mom tells me his body will be cold when i arrive

he’s in decently good health for a 15 year old but my one cat spontaneously died when i was younger and now i’m paranoid

i was super sick today from my covid booster and i can tell i’m getting better because i am incredibly hungry and have a very strong urge to go outside and to sew

unfortunately it is 2:30 am

i hope my school does movie character day during a spirit week again this year because i want to show off my improved spock closet cosplay

i wish that fur didn’t take 400 years to ship from howl and fs supplies because i want to sew so bad

also fursuit making is hard wtf it’s very frustrating

hopefully it’s worth it

today i discovered my love for vegetable stock

this is good news because i hate most soups

i’m so excited my parents are going to help me make a resume because i finally got my working papers and i’m going to apply to joann!!! employee discount + talking to people about their cool projects + old ladies + moms + crochet girlies + furries + stocking shelves i am so excited

it’s all i’ve ever dreamed of

i used to live nearby our joann

i’m scared to go to college because they don’t have my regular grocery store there

fuck you capital region why don’t you have wegmans i need wegmans i don’t want to choose between whole foods and price chopper

the nearest ones to there (albany) are literally MY hometown wegmans and one in fuckin massachusetts which are both ~2 hours away

unreal

also you can’t have a microwave in your dorm

yeah

it’s worth it though everything else is so good

combined bachelors masters program

no corridor style dorms (no communal bathrooms)

indescribably awesome student groups and clubs there’s so much cool stuff and they’re so well run

very easily walkable and centralized campus while still being aesthetically pleasing

dog mascot.

my mommy goes there !!!! she takes online classes but still they’re at albany

so i’m at the same school as my mom

also i’m just now realizing in commonapp i put no relatives have attended but she probably counts. stupid i guess i didn’t think about it because it was phrased in past tense and she is currently attending

i am not very bright sometimes

i have to get a rec letter for a scholarship about why i’d be good for the socio program

i think i’ll ask my former philosophy teacher because that is the most relevant i guess

all the other ones i have good relationships with are stem teachers

which is weird because i’m better at humanities and stuff

i guess i’ve just had bad luck with humanities teachers

i also guess that’s not really true i typically enjoy social studies more with individual study rather than at school because my school doesn’t offer very good classes

whereas i’ve had great science and math classes and i have fun at school with those

i need to go to sleep but i took a five hour nap today so i’m not tired

idk what to get people for christmas

it always sneaks up on me like this

idek what i want for christmas

i have chest hair now

i think it’s been filling in for a while but i’m noticing it now

as time passes i love my body more and more

can’t wait until next year i can be flat

shit i have to tell my mom to contact the psych eval people to get on the waitlist for my surgery approval

balls

i will be so attractive

my sister is taking me to get a tattoo with her this spring for a belated birthday present (because i will be 18 in january)

oh also im gonna start practicing for my road test to get my license

all i have to do is not suck at parallel parking and then i can finally drive myself to school and not have to bother my poor parents with it

and go home for lunch!!!!

and go to the store whenever i want to!!!!

and surprise my gf by dropping things off at her house and driving her places !!! yay !!!

oh my little subaru outback that was my dads car for several years and smells like mold because he left the sunroof open and it rained inside the car how i love you

freshmen aren’t allowed to have cars on campus at albany but we’re gonna cheat the system and get a parking pass in my moms name because she’s a student

and obviously doesn’t need it bc she attends online

i want to put fake grass on the floor

so sad i can’t do it on the drivers side because like .. pedals

but i can do it everywhere else

i can do whatever i want to this car because i will use it until it’s only good for salvage

i think about the one episode of star trek where data makes a child and she develops feelings and she says i love you and he says i wish i could feel it with you

feel that

because i feel like my romantic and general affectionate drive is so low compared to normal

idk i don’t understand myself

it’s not that i don’t feel things

i feel very deep love and reverence for many things

i think that maybe i shut down and so my feelings get hidden

oh yeah guys don’t get divorced when your child is turning 11 because they will be irreparably damaged

this is a little bit exaggeratey because mostly the problem was there was a lot of lies and deception along with the complicated emotions that come with being on the verge of understanding and not understanding how marriage and love and affairs and adulthood work and also having your reverence for your parents shattered very suddenly rather than a nice steady realization that they are not superhuman

i need to investigate that trauma a little more i think

it’s 3 now

i wanted to just go to sleep asap but now i’ve gotten to the point where i’m so hungry i’m nauseated so i have to eat

man

now my sleeping and eating schedules are off

stupid vaccine

at least they work this is objectively better than covid but still god damn

probably it’s worse because i got a flu shot at the same time but gahhhh

alright i wanted pasta but the only stuff we have is this chickpea based penne

which i love chickpeas but i’ve never tried this so idk

also i felt bad having the light on with my parents upstairs so i’m cooking by the light of the stove burner it’s so cozy

reminds me of last april when we had no power for five days

no cell service no wifi no heat no running water no lights and no leaving the house bc my mom had covid

we used snowmelt to flush the toilets

so lucky for our gas stove bc we could light it with matches and boil water to clean ourselves and heat up food

i read the whole fazbear frights series in those days

school was closed bc the school had no power but once it reopened we still didn’t so i got to skip for a day

it was a lot of fun except i got cystic acne from not being able to shower properly for five days as a sweaty testosterone man

it’s raining out and my cat has joined me this is so cozy

ok the pasta feels a bit weird but it’s sooooo good with butter and salt (don’t have sauce)

i’m back in bed watching the episode of star trek

why is picard sometimes so forward thinking and sometimes such a dickhole

even after watching through the whole series i can’t tell if i really like him or not

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anxiousanteaterr · 4 months

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I finished Coromon again and the newer story overall was worth the replay. The more noticable differences show up a bit later on, and there's a LOT more visual improvements than I remember. I dont know if i like the newer story better tho. I also have some huge gripes w the villains, and apparently the main gripe stems from FALSE memories from the original story? I watched some playthrus of the old story to see the differences and theres whole ass scenes that I remember experiencing that just DID NOT happen??? 😭 Like idk if the devs did some smaller story updates between then and what I played or WHAT, but I have a memory of the titans of Velua talking w the Crimsonite titan down in the core of the planet and being like "why are you trying to take over our planet? why didnt u just ask to join us or ask for help?" (i distinctly remember a line from one of the titans saying "WHY didnt you just ASK us?" bc i thought it was so fucking funny) and I thought that they chose to let that new titan stay and the seven of them would work together. Not just killing 6v1 killing the fucker.

In the new story the Crimsonite titan doesnt even seem to EXIST as the Wubbonians exclusively just use the Crimsonite on their own and the only mention of a titan is some human npcs theorizing that there COULD be other titans for new elements. Chalchiu and her brothers are just like "ok girlies, time to wipe clean this world of every ounce of this Crimsonite shit. eradicate with EXTREME prejudice ♥️" and they just rebuild the whole ass world. Like HUH? What abt the Wubbonians? Your character even asks Chalchiu abt them and if they'll be ok w/out being exposed to their element and she's basically like "lmao too bad. not our worlds problem". like YEAH i GUESS thats true, but cmon man 😭 The Wubbonians in the new story dont even mention ANYTHING abt their home planet either. No Wubbonia. No Great Cataclym. Nothing. Its like the story took a hard pivot from "these aliens are looking for a new home and are trying to claim this one bc they and their titan are desperate and not thinking very rationally or ethically abt it" to "yeah these guys r just pure evil now and are here for galactic conquest" or sm and then at the very end and post game u get some hints that MAYBE something else is going on.

Epescially now that the devs changed it from "dark magic" to an actual element called "Crimsonite", it makes even MORE sense to follow the story where the Wubbonians are just a people who are desperately searching for a new home because their home world is either in or rapidly approaching an apocalypse. And how maybe out of the desperation for survival, their titan poured all of its stat points into charisma in order to persuade and brainwash everyone and everything it can.

Also i lowkey kinda liked how the Wubbonians in the og story like... didnt really do anything? I liked how they didnt even try to stop you in Ixqun. You expected a huge fight and they just... stand there. Point and laugh at you. Theyre far too busy staring at Crimsonite rocks and daydreaming abt how they won and that they finally saved their world. Standing there watching their titan do all the work, and subsequently get their ass kicked and STILL do nothing. Like yes kings, go, give us nothing. Just like how your titan gives up and accepts death immediately after being defeated.

#coromon #coromon spoilers #i LIKED them being LOSERS #i LIKED when the wubbonians had weighty reasoning for their actions #they believed they were doing good and it was good by them #and i LIKED that they didnt fight and just stood around #and i LIKED that their titan instantly gave up #it showed a bit of what the wubbonians might be like #also relatable as hell #lose a fight? bitch abt it dramatically

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inkblot-inc · 2 years

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has jaws ever gotten so angry that not even nat or wanda could help right away?

This may or may not be surprising to know, but Jaws doesn’t get truly angry often.

Annoyance that can stem off into aggression? Yes, all the time. When Jaws first met the Avengers the lines between annoyance and anger were very muddled because Jaws would tear off a limb because of either one.

Now, Jaws can largely ignore people being hateful or vile. If it’s toward them, but let anyone have ill will or intent toward someone with a solid place in Jaws’ life (i.e: Natasha, Wanda, Yelena, Clint and his family) is when they’ll get nasty. That is when they feel anger. Not over one comment, but it’s a short fuse. That’s not something Jaws will brush off.

Jaws has already been in countless fights, heard plenty of threats and a slew of shit said about them, so more of that isn’t anything new, they don’t care about that. But Jaws’ people shouldn’t go through any of that. They’ll sooner crack your skull before they allow them to get hurt.

An instance that comes to mind is when they first meet Secretary Ross. (The JAWS AU is Pre-Civil War, highkey that shit’s stressful) When he’s essentially hounding Steve and the others about some of the new recruits to the Avengers (the enhanced/not human ones) being dangerous individuals who either need to be in prison or under some other form of government surveillance.

Secretary Ross turned to look at Wanda and Jaws before he left. “It’ll be too late to negotiate terms when girlie over here drops a building on someone, you might want to change your tune before they wind up in the Raft, Rogers.”

Jaws almost lept out of their chair before Wanda kept them in their seat with her powers. The killing intent was rolling off of Jaws in waves, it’s only because of her experience working with Jaws that she was able to subdue them enough not to maul the man while he was talking. That didn’t stop them from crushing the metal armrests of their chair though. “I can think of a person for Wanda to drop a building on, give me two seconds-”

Steve closed the door behind Ross with a sigh before she turned to Jaws. “Jaws, doing anything to him will just prove his point.”

“But that fucker can just casually talk about throwing Wanda in prison with no one clockin’ him it the head? That’s bullshit!-”

“Jaws. Go to the training room, and cool off. Now.” Natasha spoke up as she gestured to the door going in the opposite direction Ross just left from. Jaws huffed and rushed out of the conference room. Wanda and Nat would check in on them in a bit, but right now they needed time to decompress.

When they get those high levels of anger, the best thing for them to do is remove them from the situation and/or let them have time to work out that aggression (preferably with something to hit; they’ll use the training room to beat the shit out of test dummies to take out their anger most times).

#jaws au #jaws’ anger #jaws largely ignores bullshit #jaws is mad protective over their loved ones #they protecc and attacc #jaws will literally play jenga with your spine don’t try it #secretary ross is on the hit list #jaws au is pre-civil war btw #wanda and nat know how to deal with jaws’ anger #jaws needs to beat the shit out of something #jaws is a force to be reckoned with #they have to make specialized punching bags and fighting dummies to handle jaws #jaws teeth rip through the regular ones like paper #jaws is scarlet witch’s number one supporter #nat is jaws’ number one supporter #wanda is also jaws’ number one supporter #jaws maximoff #highkey civil war is stressful #so it probably won’t exist #the avengers #wanda maximoff #natasha romanoff #mutant!reader #natasha romanoff x reader #j.headcanons #j.blurbs #ib/jaws #ink.nat #ink.wanda #ib-jc.

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trulyhumblenarcissist · 3 years

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Well... Shit

I've just finished Jujutsu kaisen, both anime and manga, it was a beautiful marathon like the old ones I used to have when my life didn't get in the way of my passions (but that's another story). I must say the experience was incredibly refreshing and I'm glad I've decided to finally give jjk a try. First and foremost, it definitely has its own problems: the power system is not so clear and easy to understand at times (or maybe I'm just dumb) and some characters suffer from a severe case of plot armor that gives them the edge to win fights that should be out of their league. The premise isn't original at all, but I don't think Akutami wanted to create something ground breaking. There are a lot of references to well established shonen mangas, such as Bleach and Naruto (duh). Curses born from humans' bad emotions are definitely similar the hollows that terrorized Karakura in Bleach. I'm not going to point out the obvious resemblance between Gojo and Kakashi because I guess it's already a meme at this point, but Itadori and Naruto are definitely quite similar: sunny types with a demon trapped inside their bodies. With this derivative kind of setting, you would expect jjk to be quite simple and boring, but here's the catch: this manga manages to embrace stereotypical shonen tropes while at the same time painting them in a different light. Let's talk about Itadori and Fushiguro's relationship, for example: they are basically Naruto and Sasuke on a surface level and it would've been so easy writing them as sour rivals, at least in the beginning. The industry loves this type of relationship, but Akutami said "screw that" and actually made these two boys the best of friends. Itadori saved Fushiguro's life and Fushiguro saved Itadori's in return. They are very different people and their ideologies are bound to clash: Fushiguro doesn't want to be a "hero", he's a sorcerer, whose duty is to exorcise curses, not to save every single person he meets. He has a strong moral compass and he judges things on his own, avoiding to be influenced by others if possible. To him, saving lives is not an obligation, it's something he decides to do only if he thinks it's worth it. This may appear extremely selfish and arrogant, but in reality, Fushiguro's choices don't stem from an exaggerated ego. He despises injustices, to him the world is inherently unfair, so there isn't proper way to make things "right". It's impossible saving everyone and it isn't even something worth pursuing, especially because someone's safety could easily become someone else's demise. Fushiguro came to the conclusion that, since fairness really doesn't exist, the only thing that he can do to make the world a better place is basically starting from his own world, helping only the people he really wants to help (a similar concept is expressed by Nobara, who doesn't concern herself with the problems of people she doesn't know or care about, because she understands that doing it would be the fastest way to become miserable). Itadori, on the other hand, finds humanity inherently worthy of salvation, no matter what. That's because he is strong and his strength is definitely his curse, metaphorically speaking. The strong must protect the weak because it is the moral thing to do.

If you're strong, you are gifted with something more in comparison to the average person; since nothing is given for nothing, you must return to the world at least a part of the luck you have received by birth. Things get even more complicated for Itadori the moment he realizes that Sukuna could destroy (and he almost did it) everything he cares about in an instant, forcing him to make amends for crimes he didn't even commit. That's a very tragic situation for our MC and I really, really appreciate the fact that Sukuna isn't just another Kurama, ready to become Itadori's pet friend and help him whenever it fits the plot. To this day, Sukuna intervened in Itadori's fights only when he wanted to, for a whim or because the situation could benefit him. So refreshing! Itadori is definitely cursed from both Sukuna and himself, which is a very interesting plot point and it makes you wonder who will be faster in making Itadori's life a nightmare: Itadori himself or Sukuna?

Itadori's objective to save as much people as possible is also liked to his visceral desire to be accepted and loved, to have people around him even at his death bed. But, unfortunately, his merging with Sukuna definitely suggests he will be soon forced to isolate himself, in some way, basically depriving him of the only thing he really wanted. Besides, his desire to have friends and comrades is probably the byproduct of his upbringing... He wasn't alone, he had his grandpa, but he never met his parents and this is definitely a huge gap in his life, even though he seems to not care.

This rambling is already too long as it is, sorry... The last thing I'd like to point out is that, finally, we have some pretty good female characters! No Sakuras or Hinatas and that's really nice. Nobara, the heroine, is unhinged, badass and also extremely feminine in her passions and desires. She's not the typical tomboy nor the typical girly boy obsessed princess in distress. She can defend herself without sacrificing the softer sides of her personality. She is Kugisaki Nobara and no one can tell she must be different in order to fullfil her role as a shaman woman. I really like her (sobs). Maki makes tingle my little bi heart so I will not say anything about her. I'm not gonna show my simping shameful self, not now at least.

Honorable mentions:

Call me main stream and basic, but I fucking adore Gojo... He's hot, a little sadistic and completely childsh. For once, he is a teacher that doesn't get obscured by his pupils. He is so broken and op that Akutami needed to... Well you know. Another element that gives me a bit of sadness is the fact that Gojo is basically my age... And the fandom calls him a "dilf"... A dilf! He's just 28, don't call me out like that.

Suguru's story was pretty sad, I wish we could've seen more of his descent into madness.

Mahito... Cute, but nothing special. I find him kinda boring sometimes, he doesn't tickle my imagination neither my speculative instinct, while Suguru is definitely more interesting, especially in his relationship with Gojo.

That's it for now, I can't wait this week's chapter.

#jjk #jujustu kaisen #fushiguro megumi #itadori yūji #nobara kugisaki #maki zenin #jjk spoilers

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okay-victoria · 3 years

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Love of My Second Life: Tanya & Romance

This is both my take on why, despite seeming like the easiest and healthiest relationship to write, TanyaxVisha is up there with TanyaxMary in difficulty level for pulling off successfully, what I’ve seen go wrong in fanfic so far, and what needs to make it/any romance go right.

Where to start, where to start...um, a warning, for obvious reasons I’m going to have to talk about sex.

The Age Difference

This has the joy of being a bit creepy on both ends of the spectrum! Yay.

Visha Being Creepy

Visha is probably 5 - 6 years older than Tanya. While as more mature adults that age difference is relatively negligible, Tanya being 17/18 and Visha being in her early 20s doesn’t make it suddenly a non-issue. If you and a coworker, both in your first job out of college, went to happy hour and you met his/her significant other and they were a senior in high school, would you feel good about that?

The age-of-consent laws in bygone eras may help your case for why in-story characters give a pass to such things, but it doesn’t really help explain it to your readers. Unless I’m missing something, no one is reading this story from 1920s/30s Germany, and so it needs to have the relationship explained in a way that tries to work for modern standards. Additionally, I think people tend to mix up age-of-consent with “people found this generally appropriate”. A 19 year old dating a 59 year old violates no laws in the United States, but that doesn’t mean that most people are going to consider it a loving and healthy relationship without any proof. Even your in-story characters are probably going to have some thoughts.

The final issue, from Visha’s end of the spectrum, is that even when Tanya is aged up to 18+ and has gained some secondary sexual characteristics, she is sometimes still presented as being an “eternal loli” who can be easily be mistaken for someone around 14/15, an age at which girls normally have some secondary sex characteristics, but distinctly immature ones. I imagine this problem stems from two places:

1) Scenes when Tanya’s lolidom is brought up are not the same scenes as the romantic ones, so the problem is not as obvious to the author and

2) Author forgets that “short+small boobs+doesn’t have wrinkles yet” does not actually result in people looking like they are mid-puberty. Without being really creepy, as women age, their breast tissue drops down and to the side, waist/hip/leg ratios change, and the face loses its baby fat, among other things. Writing that references Tanya as looking like a teen comes along with the unfortunate implication that she actually looks like she is still mid-puberty, and Visha...is into that, instead of being someone who is attracted to petite POST pubescent women.

These are all extremely fixable problems. Really, all an author has to do is make Visha acknowledge that it’s weird, and probably try to talk to Tanya about her reservations before she starts trying to seduce her. It’s the handwave that is the issue. For the last/puberty problem, unless there is some reason I probably don’t want to know about that the author only wants to write the relationship if Tanya looks 14, simply describe her as a petite but adult woman, and if you need to use her looking young as a plot point, have her make an effort to adapt her adult characteristics to suit or hope that nobody looks hard enough to tell the difference.

Tanya Being Creepy

While Tanya is physically the junior member of the relationship, mentally, she is the senior, and by a lot. Tanya knows this. While I don’t necessarily think Salaryman is the Earth’s most morally-pure man, I have a high enough opinion of him to think that he was not pursuing college girls when he was like 35. Tanya should also have a moment of thought over this, or the relationship needs to wait until Visha is closer to her late 20s, when she is approaching a similar level of life maturity that Salaryman would have felt was close to his own.

Even if you think that Salaryman’s logical side would have been eroded by his “but I’m a guy, I can’t help it, college girls are hot” side [I’m side-eyeing you], I think it’s very unlikely that living as Tanya, and being on the receiving end of that kind of stuff, wouldn’t make her reconsider her stance on it, at least a little.

I know, I know, Visha’s been to war! She’s not the same as some random college girl in 2020! While this is allowable as a partial justification, because it is true, it ignores a whole lot.

First off, maturity is not a straightforward drive. All parts of you do not mentally mature at the same time. If you want to write early 20s Visha as a mature-enough partner for Tanya, a bit of time needs to be spent on what Visha loses because of it - she never has, and never will, get to be that happy-go-lucky girl. While making fun of young women for being dramatic gossips, obsessing about non-serious things, etc remains a popular sport, thinking that you are doing Visha a favor by taking that time of her life away from her says pretty terrible things about how society values women’s relationships with each other. If you don’t mean for your fanfic to accidentally imply that, it’s something that needs some love & care.

Alternatively, you could write a story in which Visha, while being a competent adult, still gets space to explore her “girly” side. If doing so, you are going to have to make a really strong case for why Tanya is willing to put up with this, as Salaryman does not come off as someone who would judge it a good use of time & effort to be constantly letting his girlfriend rattle off about things he thinks are silly and immature - there’s a lot of other fish in the sea, why not find one that is a competent adult *and* isn’t often talking about things you don’t care about.

The Canonical Setup of Visha & Tanya’s relationship

Opposite Goals

In a nutshell, Tanya is presented as a person that wants to live a safe, boring, and non-notable life, is doing her best to get there, and is constantly failing and being stressed about it because she needs to figure out a new plan. Visha is presented as someone who has major qualms about Tanya as a human being, but has a nigh-worshipful respect for her heroic officer side.

This is a massive, and I mean MASSIVE problem. You absolutely cannot ignore that what makes the characters happy is diametrically opposed to each other. Can you overcome it? Yes, by slowly developing the characters towards a compromise, but you can’t just not acknowledge it and expect me to think this relationship has any hope of leaving both partners happy. Either Tanya never escapes her never-ending stress cycle, or she does, and the entire basis of Visha’s attachment to Tanya disappears.

This can be fixed by: 1) Tanya coming to terms with a new side of herself, one that wants to be that hero. This cannot just be a one-paragraph epiphany. Tanya is shown to hate when she thinks her internal self is being changed by her new experiences and she needs a lot of work to get to a point where she is willing to acknowledge this in herself.

2) Visha has to go through a rocky part where she second-guesses herself - she thought she wanted Tanya, but turns out, Tanya isn’t the person she thought she is? How and why does she decide that she likes the person Tanya has become? This is probably the easier route, but I think runs the risk of having an author have Visha *say* Tanya does all these other good things for her, but never really show it happening.

3) The happiest medium is probably one where Visha *mostly* adapts towards Tanya, so Tanya gets to live a quiet but not too quiet life, and Visha learns to love another side. As Visha is compromising more in this sense, a healthy relationship is going to include Tanya realizing what is happening and deciding to make an effort to appeal to Visha and not just be like “Take me as I am. Or don’t.” and Visha unilaterally decides to accept that.

Why Does Tanya want to be in a relationship with Visha?

Tanya betrays no actual emotional attachment to Visha in the light novels. While you can read in rationalization to the reasons Tanya gives to her actions, she herself does not believe that it is because of an emotional connection.

Canonically, Tanya is portrayed as liking Visha because of how well Visha passes the “usefulness” test. This brings up another MASSIVE problem - does Tanya, in any way, shape, or form, actually like Visha as an individual, or just her ability to conform to the role Tanya wants her to play?

Look, I don’t need Tanya to be in LOVE with Visha in the way we usually talk about people being in love to believe that Tanya can be in a relationship successfully. I’m fully on board with a portrayal in which Tanya can’t quite summon that level of emotion. However, she needs to like and respect Visha as an individual person, and summon a level of emotion beyond friend with benefits.

IMO, it is really hard to do that without showing Tanya and Visha disagreeing on a major piece of Tanya’s philosophy and Tanya actually listening and responding positively to it, not simply agreeing to disagree because it isn’t worth upsetting her useful sidekick, or whatever. There needs to be character development of both characters - Visha finding it in herself to be comfortable rocking the boat, and Tanya having a compelling enough reason to change something that she has clung to for two lives.

Everyone wants to be a lesbian

While I get it, the Empire is not the exact same as Germany, and yes, I know that Weimar Germany was relatively sexually progressive, it’s really not something that a well-written romance should handwave.

“Weimar Culture” in many ways developed as a result of how WW1 went for Germany. If you have a story where WW1 doesn’t go that way for Germany, gay culture is unlikely to flourish to the same degree.

All that aside, Tanya isn’t someone that is going to easily shrug her shoulders and say “you know, sometimes you need to jeopardize your career for the sake of hot sex/love”. She’s pretty clear on which she prioritizes. A lesbian relationship is not going to help her here, and she’s going to be aware of it. She needs to struggle with that choice.

Visha not struggling to accept herself as a lesbian is also somewhat of an oversight. It’s pretty unlikely that a woman born in her time period would come to terms with that easily. Visha is also never shown being attracted to other women besides Tanya, which carries a weird “I’m only a lesbian for you” vibe that is like a gross parallel of a straight guy wanting a lesbian to be so attracted to him she can’t help it, she wants the D.

And now, we enter the realm of Tanya’s relationship with her identity and sexuality.

Tanya is shown to have mental qualms both about entering a straight or lesbian relationship in her new life. The reasons behind those qualms are not explored at all in the LN, but they should be in a story in which Tanya goes into a relationship.

No matter which path puberty takes her down, there is the issue of Tanya being comfortable having sex as a woman. Even if it is with another woman, it is not going to be particular similar to the way she had sex with women as a man. That type of thing is pretty tied up with our identity. Tanya hates having her internal, I haven’t changed identity threatened, and not being able to give sexual pleasure/needing to receive it differently is the type of thing that is probably going to come along with some emotional reservations on her part.

Again, sexual identity being a part of our overall identity, while Tanya may remain attracted to women, that means her identity is now as a gay person, not a straight person. Given her biases from both growing up in Japan and the state of gay rights in her new life, it would seem atypical that she would consider this a non-issue and it wouldn’t make her question her priorities or the type of person she thought she was.

But...The Sex?

Look, I get it, sometimes you wanna see certain characters bang. We’ve all been there.

While yes, I recognize that many humans make terrible decisions solely in pursuit of sex, and so it’s perfectly realistic to have Tanya and Visha do the same and say that’s why you’re handwaving everything else, it is an extremely lazy storytelling technique, especially since neither character seems likely to go to extremes for it.

Because people focus so much on sex appeal, unfortunately, they use it as a substitute for making a good case for the relationship. Visha/Tanya is so attracted to Tanya/Visha, that now they are willing to undergo character development, because the pulsing loins urge them to. Really?

Do at least some of it first, lay the groundwork for romantic attraction before you slam them with physical attraction. While it often works the opposite direction in real life, that undercuts the romantic side in fictional story-telling.

I also think that because of the focus on their attraction to each other, what ends up missing in all TanyaxVisha fanfics I’ve seen so far is the tension. That makes it boring, I don’t care about it, and the entire reason I don’t care about it is because the choice to handwave the inconvenient facts means there is nothing in the way besides Tanya being a dumbass, which you can only do for so long without it becoming boring.

They are both attracted to each other, and admit it to themselves. Neither sees any real problem with the relationship other than not knowing if the other person likes them, but they aren’t even hung up on it and mostly work on straightforwardly winning the other person.

When in doubt, blame it on The Patriarchy

As far as we know, Tanya isn’t pining for relationship, and never thinks about a romantic relationship from her old life. Combined with other things Tanya says, it is hard to imagine Salaryman ever had a “considering marriage” relationship - more like, he may have felt partnership had some desirable aspects, but probably never was able to compromise on his kind of extreme worldview enough to try to make it work with someone, just figuring he’d find “the one” one day that wasn’t going to make him compromise.

While of course, you should not need to change everything about who you are for a romantic partner to like you, saying “you should like me for me” and then putting in exactly zero effort to do things because you know they are important to your partner, even if they aren’t for you, is not one of the keys to a successful relationship.

While it is not a problem inherent to Tanya & Visha’s relationship like the above sections, it is a problem in all forms of how I’ve seen the relationship written. It fails to answer a fundamental question: WHAT CHANGED?

Why did Tanya want love/a relationship/a wife in this life, and not in her last? If she did want it in her last life, why did she successfully find love/a relationship/a wife in this life, and not in her last?

Unfortunately, skipping the answer to this question implies that nothing changed. The success is then entirely reliant and Visha, and that brings along with it a really ugly answer.

Visha’s professional I’ll-do-anything-for-you is equated to a personal I’ll-do-anything-for-you, and she very much accepts Tanya for who she is, through all the flaws that are definitely there and that presumably no woman in Salaryman’s life was willing to put up with. Tanya doesn’t have to undergo any character development to be capable of making the relationship work.

This has some really, really unfortunate undertones. It is the very reason why even legal-but-large age difference relationships often aren’t healthy, because the older partner, instead of trying to be someone capable of contributing to the life of someone their own age, decides it’s easier to find someone younger who doesn’t know better and is more willing to put up with their bullshit. That, then, turns into a creepy grooming undertone - you make the less experienced partner think this is normal.

It really isn’t normal or good that Visha should have to put up with a relationship in which she never discovers who she wants to be because she’s so caught up Tanya’s idea of how to live your life. That is borderline emotional abuse, I am sure no one intends it to be there, but without giving some serious treatment to character development, unfortunately, it is.

To me, this has some of the worst overtones of the worst types of male fantasy - My Manic Pixie Dream Girl is completely devoted to me, and instead of emotionally adding to her life and/or our relationship, she is completely fine with me substituting being a Strong Heroic Man who occasionally buys her Nice Things. She demands I change nothing of myself and completely agrees with my Logical Man worldview, no matter what she needs to change about herself to get there. She’s hot, and I get to simultaneously be a straight man and have hot lesbian sex. Even better, because she’s a “strong” woman who is capable in her own right, not only am I physically satisfied, but I get the ego boost of “earning” the submission and subordination of a woman who is better than most people, because she knows I’m better than her.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the grosser it gets, so as far as fanfic goes I just try to ignore it and understand that the authors intention wasn’t to bring along all this baggage. However, to truly write a good Tanya x Visha story that gets away from all these unfortunate implications is a big undertaking, and it’s really impossible for it to make for a compelling side-plot that doesn’t get much screentime.

I’m generally fine with handwaving issues for sideplots, but if Tanya is making decisions because of her relationship with Visha that are now affecting the main plot, it really isn’t something that *should* be handwaved.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

#OpEd

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indiabreathe · 3 years

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As a kid i didn’t really experience alot of these gender restrictions. i played tag outside, with legos and water guns same as him. i played the xbox and ds as well as mortal kombat games, Grand theft auto and all of that. We both cleaned we both played gender didn’t really play a big role in anything until i started getting older. Whilst young my little brother loved to do everything i did because that’s what siblings do, so when i would play with my dolls he would too. My father however did not like that and reading this chapter i see how toxic masculinity played a big role on his view with dolls. In regards to me, i was told it was now my brother responsibility to take out the trash and i didn’t have to help. I was raised to do those things and help with groceries so i didn’t really get why it was a sudden change as i got older but i see it had to do with remaining within my femininity, since females where supposed to be always clean and smelling good. That also explains why when i would have burping competitions with my father he told me to stop because i’m a girl. It’s weird but it’s what’s been taught and hardwired into peoples brains like generational racism.

Looking at the first commercial i saw had no gender roles.

It was a board game that was kids versus parents so i feel like it was targeted towards families that do game nights and things like that.

The second ad it was a barbie commercial clearly targeted towards girls. One of the things they did is have a pink glittery background.

Next i saw a gaming watch commercial it didn’t have gender roles though because it was a boy and a girl playing the same thing.

The next commercial I saw was a batman toy but it had a boy and a girl playing with it again. the back ground was a dark blue so i do think it was more aimed to boys but it didn’t exclude girls like the barbie commercial did to boys.

This was an ad for cars and they used things like deep voices, crashing , yelling and dark colors to target boys. Commercials like this use gender stereotypes to find their target audience.

This my little pony ad had a very high pitched voice and very bright colors and so did the shopkins ad so i was starting to see a pattern in toys targeted to each gender.

At a young age it is put into kids head that girls play with doll babies quietly while boys play with trucks and loud things and as soon as a boy wants to play with a doll baby now he’s in trouble because he’s being feminine. Why should femininity be a bad thing though? For example as i stated before for the most part i could partake in any masculine activities i desired but vice versa my brother got in trouble for it. Femininity is looked at as a weakness and so boys are told things like not to cry or express their emotions because that’s “girly”. When in reality that’s just human. we are meant to have emotions and cry and express our selves and this is where so much built up anger stems in young men. We should disregard and completely try to out learn these gender stereotypes to try and grow as a race.

In conclusion, I gathered they use things like colors to subtly suggest a gender to each toy. Also in a commercial targeted to boys you can see how deep the voices get and they loud and deep. Whereas commercials targeted towards girls are bright colored and use high pitch voices . Toys suggested for boys also have started including girls in them because of the generation were in now but not so much vice versa. We still have a journey to go on erasing gender stereotypes but process is being made.

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brightershadows · 3 years

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Euphorically Honest-- Euphoria, Teenagers, and the Realities in Hardship

OVERVIEW

Euphoria is brutally honest about the hardships of life. Focusing on the stories of a group of teenagers in modern-day California, it navigates through issues of drug addiction, sexuality, masculinity and femininity, violence, and depression. It can be tragic and liberating. But it is honest. Created by Sam Levinson, a screenwriter for Assassination Nation and The Wizard of Lies, the story reflects on his own experience with drug addiction as a teenager, as well as having a loose basis in an Israeli show of the same name (Stack, 2019). The story follows a group of young people of varying genders, ethnicities, classes, and sexualities, including the drug-addicted narrator Rue, new-to-the-suburbs Jules, Cassie, beautiful but easily manipulated, her kind and easy-going sister Lexi, Kat, who embraces her body type as she gains confidence through sex, Nate, a manipulative and dominating male with control issues, and his girlfriend, Maddy, who battles her self-identity and her reliance on Nate (Levinson, 2019). Euphoria can be seen as overly graphic, or critiqued as too sexual, but its mature nature allows it to unearth the ugly truths about life, living, and loving, and the beauty behind the hardships too.

EPISODE TWO REVIEW

In “Stuntin Like My Daddy,” Nate discovers his father’s sex tape collection at a very young age, videos of his father having sex with several people. This is where Nate’s disdain male sexual anatomy stems from. Nate quickly becomes infatuated with Maddy. Whether disturbing or romantic, he fantasizes about hurting or killing the person who dares harms her. A series of flashbacks from Rue’s summer shows her consuming various drugs and getting high, fighting with her mom, waking up in the hospital, and singing in the car with her mom and sister, highlighting what she has gone through as well as her relationship with her family. On several occasions, Rue relapses. Reluctantly and unable to say no, she takes a dose of fentanyl. Unaware of the consequences, Jules is called to take care of Rue. Their friendship further develops. Kat learns that an explicit video of her has been posted to a porn website. When the video’s view count continues to grow, Kat is intrigued and signs for a web cam streaming account. Obsessed with Maddy, Nate begins stalking Tyler, Maddy’s most recent hookup. Maddy, still wanting to get back together with Nate, tells him that she was blacked out and did not mean to do what she did. This causes Nate to believe that Tyler had raped Maddy. Furious, Nate breaks into Tyler’s apartment and beats him half to death. At the end of the episode, we learn that the guy Jules has been texting is named Tyler but it actually turns out to be Nate.

Nate Jacobs is the typical football jock, yet he exhibits anger, aggression, and sociopathic behavior. Rue Bennett struggles with her own psyche as she suffers from ADHD, bipolar, general anxiety, BPD (borderline personality disorder), and drug addiction. Jules Vaughan is unapologetically herself, although she seems to seek attention, approval, and sexual relationships from men who are undeserving of her. Maddy Perez is the popular cheerleader who knows she is attractive and she goes after what she wants. She stands up to everybody else except Nate. Kat Hernandez may seem like a side character, the fat best friend, at first, but she finds her confidence grows as an individual. Fez/Fezco is Rue’s main drug dealer. Although he supplies her, he also cares for Rue and does want her to get mixed up with a worst crowd.

Although there are people of color in the show, there could always be more representation of race. Rue and her sister, Gia, are mixed, with a Black mom and a white dad. Maddy is Latina as both of her parents are Latino. Kat Hernandez is also of Latin descent but we do not see much of her parents or family. Every other (main) character in this episode is white, this includes Nate, Jules, and Tyler. This show, and episode, is not particularly making any waves or strides with their representation of race. And with the representation of race that they do have, there is no portrayal of racial identity, culture, or heritage. Jules definitely stands out as she is a transgender woman. She is currently taking hormones and her father and closest friends accept her for who she is. Jules goes on to have sexual encounters with older men as well budding romances with boys her age. Nate is a stark contrast to Jules, with him being set in his heteronormative, gender binary ways. Most, if not all of the characters identify with the gender that they present. The males, Nate and Fez identity as male. The females, Rue, Kat, Jules, and Maddy identify as female. The main characters mainly fall into one of the two binary genders. All of the romantic or sexual relationship aspects in episode 2 revolve around a male and a female, such as Nate and Maddy, or Maddy and Tyler, or even Jules and her mysterious texter (a man). To my knowledge, there is no presence of a non-binary or agender character. Jules, a transgender woman, challenges Nate’s notion of the strict gender binary system.

Euphoria definitely relies on stereotypes because the writers of this show intend on having the characters break said stereotypes. Kat is initially insecure and self-conscious. After she has sex for the first time and the video of the act gets leaked, she redefines herself. Her sexuality blossoms throughout this show as she also begins to have casual sex which normalizing women having and enjoying sex. Kat becomes comfortable with herself by wearing clothes that are considered more edgy, outfits that she would have never worn before. Kat’s character breaks the sexuality stereotype because the media hardly ever sees a plus-sized woman be expressed in a sexually positive light, even though it may not have started out that way. Nate’s character is embodiment of the toxic, cis-gendered white masculinity. He describes the perfect girl as dressing more feminine, acting like a “proper lady,” and overall more “girly” as opposed to “tomboy.” Because he is so uncomfortable with the male sexual anatomy, and even disturbed by how comfortable others are, he may have some issues regarding internal homophobia. Nate does not really defy this stereotype, his character is the epitome of this stereotype. Maddy, a cisgender, heterosexual female, understands the delicate nature of the gender constructed society. She has prioritized Nate and his needs sexually by watching porn in order to mimic what the porn actress does so that she can please Nate. Her sexuality is rarely mentioned, it only rises in conjunction with other boys. Jules’ character as a transgender person challenges the conventional gender roles and constructs. Jules is very comfortable with herself and her sexuality and is proud of who she is.The concept of a non-binary gender system perplexes many people. With the current administration, transgender rights are not protected. In fact, transgender people are continued to be discriminated against. The Trump administration has played a major role in “withdrawing regulatory protections for transgender children in schools, fought recognition of transgender people under federal employment laws, banned transgender people from serving in the military, rolled back protections for transgender people in prisons, and threatened to cut off funding to schools that let transgender girls participate in sports” (Thoreson). Although Jules is able to be who she want to be and live the life that she wants, this may not be the case for many transgender people in the real world outside of the show.

Today people are often quick to criminalize or shun drug users and addicts. They are quick to judge and want the most severe punishment to be given. But medical professionals know that addiction is a very serious disease, one that requires “treatment, compassion, and support” (Siegel). Euphoria attempts to destigmatize and humanize addiction. The legal system should not be punishing people who have abused drugs by putting them into a jail cell where they are isolated from society, instead these people need real help through rehab and various treatments. Due to the fact that Rue had several relapses once she completed her rehab program, one may say that these programs do not work; however there is no singular timeline to get better. It may take weeks, months, or years, and the journey is difficult. But society cannot give up. Social and political reforms concerning drug use/abuse and addiction is very much needed.

EPISODE THREE REVIEW

In ' Made You Look,' Nate meets Jules on a gay dating app disguised as Shyguy118. Although Nate doesn't identify as gay, Jules reveals being transexual and quickly falls in love with Shyguy118, oblivious to his true identity as a classmate at the same school. Maddy becomes skeptical of Nate and searches through his phone and, in shock, learns of Nate's involvement with a gay dating app and nude sending with Jules. Jules's heightened obsession over the mysterious Shyguy118 leads Jules to agree to meet Nate for the first time in person near a lake at night. While all of this unfolds, Rue, who is Jules's supportive best friend, at first, entertains Jules's fantasies by helping Jules send pornographic images to Nate. However, tension arises when Rue exposes her worries for her best friend and undeniable attraction for her as more than just friends. Unfortunately, Jules did not reciprocate the kiss they shared. This sent Rue spiraling into a frenzy and falling back into the addictive habit of taking pills and getting high, undoing Rue's 60-day clean streak. Embarrassed, Rue runs straight back to Fezco, her drug dealer, in hopes to illegally obtain more drugs to numb the humiliation she felt. Fortunately, Fezco doesn't give in to Rue and shuts the door on her, leaving Rue to look toward Ali, an omniscient man she met at a therapy gathering for drug users to seek guidance.

Kat, a Tumblr fanfiction queen, masks herself while exploring her curiosity for explicit content and webcam streaming. She exposes herself to lingerie and twerking on her account; she agrees to perform a private camera meet with a man who falls in love with Kat's powerful and sexual dominatrix persona. Originally insecure with her weight, Kat eventually learns to embrace her curves and dives into a new and unusual world of femdom. This episode also introduces Cassie. She displays as a bold, open-minded party girl that isn't phased by frat party endeavors. McKay, Cassie's crush, invites her to his frat-hazing event, and they both fall deeply in love with each other, foreshadowing potential problems to come from concupiscence for one another.

This episode involves various races but is primarily white-dominant. Cassie is blonde and white, represented as audacious and open-minded. Maddy is a cis-gender Latina and, in this episode, victimized by Nate, a white playboy who cheats on Maddy. Rue and her sister are a mix from a black mom and a white dad. Despite various races represented, this episode minimally illustrates heritage background and racial and cultural distinctiveness. There are very minimal cultural representations and race diversity besides the racially represented individuals such as Rue, Maddy, Kat, Ali, and Fezco. Although the film is predominantly white race influenced, there is still a general race narration awareness displayed in the show.

Sexuality representation is a flourishing topic within each episode in Euphoria. Arguably one of the most influential characters in this episode, Rue, a lesbian half black teenager, finds herself falling in love with her openly transgender best friend. This tricky love triangle is demonstrated between Rue caring for Jules while she cares for Nate. Jules is head over heels for her classmate, Nate, who hasn't announced is gay but is chatting with Jules on a gay dating site. Moreover, Nate's girlfriend in this episode, Maddy, is only now beginning to question if Nate is straight like he demands he is.This episode centers around redirecting the audience's view of how a character's sexuality is initially perceived to how each character's sexuality is either nonchanging or questioned and altered due to more self-awareness. For example, Jules, from the beginning, identified as transgender and unchanging while Rue begins to question her sexuality and feelings for her friend after kissing her. Male, female, and non-binary characters speak and act quite differently in Euphoria. Male actors such as Nate, Ali, and Fezco are very much dominant and slightly manipulative in this episode. Nate is a controlling and manipulative character fueled by curiosity and confusion. Ali is a mysterious, omniscient figure who sees past Rue's addiction. Lastly, Fezco shuts Rue out when she almost dies from the drugs he gave her. The females include Maddy, Rue, Jules, Kat, and Cassie. Non-binary characters were not present in this episode; however, Nate being on a gay dating site and taking an interest in Jules knowing her being transgender urges the question of what Nate's sexuality may be.

Cassie, in this episode, played an essential role in breaking gender profiling stereotypes. When Cassie was at the weekend frat-hazing party with McKay, she stood up to the guys at the party and took a shot of water with a live goldfish in it without hesitation, while McKay was hesitant and wanted to reject the challenge. Cassie taking that shot was significant because she didn't abide by her gender role limitations. Instead, she proved that she could equally compete alongside the frat boys at the party.

Illegal drug use for underage teenagers is very much a political issue. The creator of Euphoria, Sam Levinson, opens up about his struggles with addiction growing up. He talks about how his personal history of drug use as a teenager animated Rue's similar struggles in Euphoria. It's essential to recognize that Rue was not using drugs because of peer pressure but because she was struggling with "obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention deficit disorder (ADD), general anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder" (Health, 2020). Many teens go undiagnosed with disorders like these and spend their teenage years fighting addiction and going to rehab centers, sometimes more than once in hopes of ending the addiction. There are other situations where undiagnosed individuals who don't fall victim to drug addiction still live a life of struggle with their mental illness. Euphoria sheds light on addiction and mental health and de-stigmatizes mental illness, a topic that should be further normalized and empathized with.

EPISODE SEVEN REVIEW

“The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed” tackles a lot of issues. In many ways, this episode is openly candid about the hardships of life and the modern influences of distraction and avoidance. The candor of this episode is heartbreaking, revelating, and so, so real. The episode before the season finale follows multiple characters, including Jules, a trans woman battling confusion about her relationship with her best friend and her changing life; Cassie, a beautiful blonde teenager facing an unplanned pregnancy; and Rue, a drug addicted teenager battling a major low in her depression (Levinson 2019). This episode follows many differing plots that do not intersect in its time; however, at the root of the 59 minutes is the juxtaposition of two teenagers, the structures of family, and the deconstruction of femininity.

As a whole, this show is unapologetically divergent from the stereotypes of society. It does not hesitate to tackle hard issues, easily addresses controversial issues regarding race, sexuality, and gender, without negating their seriousness. It makes normal the darkness we all battle in our private lives, especially in this episode. In it, characters from all walks of life get a say in the plot. Not only is the narrator and main character a gay Black women in love with her best friend, we also follow the story of Jules, a trans women, and hear from Cassie, a straight cisgender blonde girl who falls victim to the confines of the patriarchy, allowing herself to be sexualized and invalidated as a possession by the men in her life (Johnson, 2014). My only criticisms regarding this episode’s diversity is that there is little male influence or perspective on the storyline, and further, that there is little diversity outside of “black and white.” That is to say, while there are many Black characters given voice to this episode (and, by default many white characters as well), there is little representation of other ethnicities. We do not hear, for example, from the perspective of an Asian-American. That, to some extent, is an area that can be improved as the show continues.

Earlier I mentioned the juxtaposition at the core of this episode, and I want to dive a little deeper into that. Cassie and Rue are, in many regards, polar opposites. Rue is Black, gay, struggles with drug addiction and is a social outcast. Cassie, in comparison, is blonde and blue eyed, gorgeous, and popular. Rue is an older sister; Cassie is the younger in her family. But this juxtaposition highlights the conditions of the patriarchy that define familial dynamics, such as sisterhood and motherhood, both amplifying and deconstructing those norms. For example, at the end of the episode, Rue and Cassie both go to their moms, the caretakers, for help when they reach rock bottom. Those mothers show up, and they do their job: care. However, at the same time, these mothers have taken up the role of being the breadwinner for the family as well, defying the stereotype of reliance on the male for prosperity and survival. Rue’s mom, however, is portrayed as more successful and put-together than Cassie’s mother, whom we see to be an alcoholic and basically a hot mess. This is contrary to racial stereotypes that typically portray the black community as one falling apart and the white suburban mom as picture-perfect. The gender and racial norms that society and time have produced throughout our history in America are blurred as these two realities are expressed in this show (Scott, 1986).

This episode also attacks femininity. Speaking with her friends from the city, Jules, says, “In my head, it’s like if I can conquer men, I can conquer femininity” (Levinson, 2019). This conquering, or, as Jules later says, obliteration of femininity is addressed throughout the episode. Cassie, conforming to societal expectations, allows herself to be objectified and sexualized by all the men in her life, using that perception of beauty to define her over the course of her life. Rue, on the other hand, does not conform to femininity at all, as we see in the way she dresses, and even the persona of the masculine “detective” she took on in a manic state. These three approaches to femininity contrast each other, as each one represents a different sector of diversity: race, sexuality, and gender identity.

Euphoria is inherently political. It brings to light the reasons why the personal is political, especially in the midst of an election cycle where the rights of those who don’t conform to societal norms are under threat. This show creates an avenue for those rights and the real people behind those laws to speak and tell their own stories. Not only that, it represents mental illness and drug abuse, revealing the realities of living with these issues and bringing to light the struggles of the individual and their community through addiction and mental health crises. The show helps create empathy; empathy creates connection. And connection, more than anything else, is something we deeply need right now.

CITATIONS

Euphoria creator Sam Levinson on his controversial show: 'I hope it opens up a dialogue' [Interview by T. Stack]. (2019, June 16). Entertainment Weekly. Retrieved 2020, from https://ew.com/tv/2019/06/16/euphoria-creator-sam-levinson/.

Health, A. (2020). How HBO’s ‘Euphoria’ Depicts Teenage Drug Addiction Accurately. Retrieved 14 November 2020, from https://amhealth.com/2019/09/25/how-hbos-euphoria-depicts-teenage-drug-addiction-accurately/

Johnson, A. G. (2020). Patriarchy, the System: An It, Not a He, a Them, or an Us. In 1046495481 799935172 G. Kirk & 1046495482 799935172 M. Okazawa-Rey (Authors), Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (Seventh ed., pp. 62-70). New York, New York: Oxford University Press. (The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy, (2014))

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019). Euphoria [Television series]. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, June 23). Stuntin’ Like My Daddy [Television series episode] In Euphoria. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, July 28). The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed [Television series episode]. In Euphoria. HBO.

Scott, J. (1986). Gender: A Useful Category of Historical Analysis. The American Historical Review. doi:10.1086/ahr/91.5.1053

Siegel, Z. (2019, August 06). Euphoria Doesn't Have a Drug Problem. Retrieved November 12, 2020, from https://www.vulture.com/2019/08/euphoria-hbo-drug-addiction-overdose.html

#euphoria #zendaya #GWSS assignment pleasedon'tjudge

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 4 years

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Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt.14

Hunk drove a very hyper Pidge home. Letting her mix flavours had been a bad idea, Pidge talking the whole drive home so fast that Lance was surprised she was managing to drink her slushies in between her words. Promising his best buddy he’d fill him in the following morning, Lance felt a little awkward as he let him and Keith into his empty house. His beloved bronco wasn’t back yet, Shiro extremely lucky Lance didn’t have his phone number to hound him about taking care of his baby girl. Hovering at the base of the stairs, both men stood their awkwardly. Lance feeling weird as he knew he needed to say something, but wasn’t sure what that something was. Playing it safe, he opted for an apology. Keith’s life had been thrown in turmoil, just like Lance’s, and the man clearly missed his brother, something Lance couldn’t make better for him. Maybe if they’d met when in college, he and Keith could have been friends. Keith’s anger clearly stemmed from trauma, his repeated fixation on thinking he’d been turned very clearly said that. Lance had the feeling is had something to do with whatever happened to Shiro’s partner, but he wasn’t in the position to pry.

“Hey. I’m sorry we dragged you out. I know I was kind of a pushy, and you can probably put that down to my people pleasing personality, but I hope some part of tonight was enjoyable. It’s no easy, or fun, being on the outside, but Hunk and Pidge are good people. I’m not just using them to blend in, it was never like that. They’re both special to me. I know we’re like strangers and it’s awkward as hell living together, but I think after tonight I like you a little more than I did. I don’t think you’re a fundamentally bad person, and I’m not going to push you to talk to me. I guess what I want to say is, that I swear on Blue I’m not in the habit of hurting people. That doesn’t mean much coming from a vampire, because honestly, most of us are huuuuuuge douche canoes. But as long as you’re under my roof, I’m going to treat you like an actual human being, and not as “Keith the hunter”. I don’t know how many times I can apologise for being what I am, but I’m too much of a coward to off myself. I thinking part of my emotional growth was stunted from being turned... and, well, yeah. I’ll let you head to bed or whatever. If you can’t sleep, help yourself to whatever. I would prefer you stay out of my office for the sake of my clients, but I know you can get in there anyway... yeah... anyway, I’m headed up to bed... I’ll see you in the morning”

Lance’s undead heart leapt when Keith opened his mouth, only to fall when Keith closed his mouth and looked away. He’d probably said too much again. He was trying so damn hard, and he wasn’t exactly sure why it even mattered. Until Shiro came back, both he and Keith were left in limbo... Lance still kind of hoped that Shiro leaving Keith with him meant the older hunter wasn’t about to come for his head in the middle of the night, and that some time apart would make it easy for Shiro to see his brother was very much the human idiot he’d always been.

“How old are you?”

Lance nearly dropped the remnants of his slushy in surprise. Strawberry hadn’t been the smartest choice. Pidge had teased him about looking like a vampire for having red around his lips, and all over his teeth. Honesty was best when dealing with people in trauma

“I’m 44. In human years”

“Okay”

That was it. The limit of Keith’s vocabulary for the night. The hunter trudging towards his room, leaving Lance to walk up the stairs to his own. Stripping down and changing for bed, Blue let out a rumbled purr as she came running into his room and leapt up onto his bed to wait for him. He really must look like the lamest vampire Keith had ever met. Just a lonely vampire and his cat, living in the middle of nowhere. It was a good thing Lance didn’t mind being lame.

Lance’s dreams were horrible. He’d woken half a dozen times unable to escape the feelings flowing through his body. His teeth hurt, cutting into his lip as he huddled against his bedhead. He felt flushed with fever, arm aching as if he’d broken it. The skin had healed over the wound, but it itched so badly Lance wanted to scratch until it bled. Shivering and sick, he’d fallen back to sleep around dawn, waking with a throat feeling as though clogged with his death soil. Blue hadn’t left him, though that might not have been her choice given the door to his bedroom was closed, instead of slightly open so Blue could come and go as she pleased.

Showering only made Lance feel worse, he couldn’t get the temperature to cooperate and nearly tore the tap handle off it’s fitting trying. He ended up feeling like soggy cardboard, all wet and useless, as he towelled off and peered in the least cracked slither of mirror left. Today was definitely a day for make up. No amount of blood was going to bring back colour into his dulled skin. Being the youngest, he’d spent many a time as his older sister Rachel’s model. Mami had beaten her arse red on more than one occasion when Rachel had tried using nail polish as eyeshadow... his sister not the most skilled person to be giving anyone a make over, but his other sister Veronica had grown out of all of that kind of thing by the time Rachel had gotten old enough to be right into all frilly girly things, leaving Lance to be her victim repeatedly. After he’d turned, all of that had stopped. Initially his Papi would gently send everyone away from him, until his Mami took him by the ear and reminded him that though different, Lance was still their baby boy. When he’d been older his Papi apologised, but he never knew how good a vampire‘s memory was, that those days still stayed with Lance no matter how many years had passed. Today was not the day to be looking like a movie extra in a budget film, his whole face felt choked as he smeared his foundation on, before giving his lips a quick coat of waterproof lipstick, though humans had never really got the recipe for that right. Continuing his morning routine, he dressed as nicely as he could shirt wise, then opted for sweats on the bottom. It wasn’t like his conference call was going to be worried about his lack of proper attire when his shirt looked professional enough.

Coming downstairs, Lance darted through to his office, teeth aching all over again as he opened a bag of blood, messily drinking down the contents like he hadn’t been fed for days. Coran had said to expect a low, but this was nearing ridiculous. He wasn’t in any fit condition to entertain Keith with half hearted fighting, let alone provide legal representation to the clients trusting him in. Spilling blood across his laptop came as the final straw, Lance sinking to the floor where he balled himself under his desk, to scared to call Coran, and too scared to sit up and human. Instead he remained hidden there until his laptop started to ring, letting him know he’d spent a good three hours wallowing rather pathetically.

Before the family court, the matter took all of 15 minutes. Lance speaking smoothly, as he bounced his left leg, hands digging into his sweats hard enough that his nails had ripped through. Things would have been different if he’d known he could jump in his car and straight up to Platt, instead of this horrible feeling like he was a prisoner in his own home. The little voice in his head mocked him for not being able to pick up his phone and call Coran, paranoid over how Keith would act if Coran came running because he couldn’t keep his shit together. He didn’t want to die. Not while his Mami still lived. He didn’t want to break her heart, or prove the rest of his siblings right. He didn’t want Coran to be hurt, not that he thought Keith had the power to take Coran down... it was just... sometimes words left a wound that even the deepest blade was left dull in comparison. Keith was lashing out, hitting that target without aiming, like being caught in a spray of bullets. Coran didn’t deserve that with all the good for Lance and those like him. For Keith’s sake, Lance needed to keep all this shit secret. The hunter had signed up for his head, not his sob story.

Leaving the office, Lance headed into the kitchen. Keith at the kitchen bench trying to figure out the coffee machine. Dropping the pod in his hands, the hunter picked it back up without saying anything, but he didn’t need to. Lance knew how weak and pathetic he was, he could see it reflected in Keith’s brilliant eyes. Wordlessly he went to the cupboard, pulling out a can of wet food for Blue, Keith taking half a step away from him as he did. It stung. The not so covert action rubbed him the wrong way, not that he’d say so out loud. Pulling the ring tab back, Lance stubbed his toe on the counter as he reached for Blue’s dish. The act bringing tears to his eyes as he finally broke. Sinking down to the floor, he was showing Keith the most shameful side of him that he humanly could.

“Do you take sugar in your coffee?”

The question hung in the air, Lance’s face hidden behind his hands as he wept.

“Lance, do you take sugar in your coffee?”

Keith had said his name. Without any malice or prompting... he didn’t understand why

“I take three usually”

Why was Keith talking to him?

“Shiro says it too many, but I like three. You seem more like a one person”

“A one person”. Keith, who didn’t even think of him as human, was there in his kitchen calling him a person

“Am I really so useless that you’re wasting time on me?”

Lance regretted the harsh tone in his words. Wiping at his teary eyes, he looked up at the hunter to find him looking down on him

“Well you’re practically an animal, but... I think maybe I don’t hate you as much as I should”

Laughter bubbled up, Lance not blaming Keith for stepping back as his tears turned to laughter

“You can go fuck yourself if you’re going to be like that”

Lance’s laughter sobered, the vampire sniffling loudly. Okay. Keith was acting “Keithy” again, he could understand that

“One. Two if Pidge and Hunk are here”

Keith took a moment before a silent “oh” of realisation formed on his lips, turning back to the coffee machine as he tried to fit the pod in properly

“I... I have nightmares too”

Lance cringed. Asleep he hadn’t been able to consciously hold back. Keith had probably heard him screaming the house down, now taking pity on his undead arse

“I heard you calling for someone... friends or something. You we’re really fucking loud”

“I’m sorry”

“Who were they?”

“People who don’t matter”

They didn’t matter but that didn’t mean they weren’t always on his mind

“Nyma and Rolo?”

Lance shuddered at their names. They’d parted so long ago that it didn’t feel fair he should be forced to remember them

“People you don’t want to meet”

“I gathered from your screams. Are they the ones who turned you? Or were they friends?”

“I don’t want to talk about it”

“You say vampires never forget, does that mean you remember what happened with them?”

Lance shook his head quickly

“I don’t want to talk about it”

“So they sired you?”

Lance put his hands over his ears

“Shut up”

“If they did...”

“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!”

Screaming in anger, Lance hated Keith in that moment for pushing. Nyma and Rolo had been his friends. The keyword being “had”. He was allowed to have things he didn’t want to talk about. Those two were in his past, not is future. Letting his head dropped back, it smacked against the cupboard without enough force to be satisfying. He wanted to hurt. He wanted to break something. He wanted to tear himself out of his own skin. Nudged with Keith’s foot, he shot a look of rage up at Keith, the hunter holding out a cup of coffee

“Drink this. Shiro said he won’t be back for a while, but he was sending someone out to watch over you until he could be”

“I don’t need watching over”

Taking the coffee cup, the handle snapped before Keith had let go completely. Pulling the mug back, the hunter cut his hand on the protruding porcelain at the bottom. Hit by the smell of Keith’s blood, Lance felt all his senses come alive with the need to feed. Both their eyes widened as they met, both in fear over the situation. Keith feared Lance was about to maul him, as Lance feared how good Keith’s blood smelt.

Lance did the only thing he could do. He ran. Keith left staring as he bolted from the kitchen, his hand snapping through the bottom of the staircase railing as the grabbed it to use his momentum to get up his stairs just that little bit faster, tripping in his rush, but pushing himself on faster in the same heartbeat. Reaching his room, he slammed the door behind him, dragging his dresser over to barricade himself in. He hadn’t needed his phone in the office, so left it up on its charge station. Snatching up the device, he copped a glance of his reflection, disgusted at the sight of himself. His hands shook as he unlocked the device, calling the only number he could, Coran. With first ring, he found he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t run to Coran for help. He couldn’t tell him there was something still wrong with him. His phone thrown in disgust where the force shattered the device on impact, and dented the floorboard it’d hit. He didn’t know what to do, but he did know he was a mistake.

#once bitten twice stupid #ashratherose

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