I was going to put a restraining order on my brother
My entire life I have loved singing, humming, tapping to things. Music just coursed through my veins like the softest liquid happiness I could just pour into myself. I genuinely enjoy it, and planned to make a life out of it until recently.
The people in the story, are my mother, my father, my brother, rando police officers and me
I'll admit off the bat I was an annoying child, but my brother took the cake yet somehow I always ended being blamed for it.
Even if I like singing and sing to myself, I have always tried to not bother people. But growing up, I obviously didn't have that kind of concern for bothering people with my singing. Billie Eilish, Jessie Reyes, Eminem when he sings his raps(lol), Layla Blue is my absolute favorite and so far people have said that I do sound like her more than any of the artists I try to sing for.
My brother hated my singing. Flat out, constantly threw it in my face, and it was hard. My mom just used to shrug and say that she was too tired for "this" and that if I didn't want to annoy Harry I would just stop singing all together in the house, permanently. Meanwhile my dad would try to go to his room and talk to him when I got older he stopped. After many years of even just me slightly singing quietly in my own room, Harry would yell through the walls that I'm garbage or "you fucking suck.". And then just silence, until I see him in the hallway or meal times here and there. He only has ever spoken to me when I sang, he doesn't say thank you or excuse me, we don't gift eachother, we don't look or share anything. I have no idea what he even does with his time, I dont hate him but I genuinely can't say I love him enough to care what he's done with his life at this point.
You can imagine my concerts, as a child for me, a crowd did not stop my brother from reminding me that I was bad at the one thing I loved more than just about anything, obv my friends and my boyfriend but it's been really rough in some areas of my life with him around. My parents don't even have to bring him, he'll just show up. My friends have never even payed attention to him, which I think is pretty nice that they like me with a brother as annoying as him.
I have quite abit of awards, and I have participated in a lot of events all throughout my school life. Senior year I planned to move out as quickly as I got accepted into my decided school and all of financial aid was helped by my parents.
And I did, but that for some reason doesn't help. When I moved out my brother moved out too, "coincidentally" said my parents. He had not told them where he was going or that he was even going! And what just bothers my brain all over is that he didn't take any of his stuff with him. I paid it no mind though, I hadn't told him at all where I was moving, I was moving across the town because I'm still in college so I want to be able to commute via bus. And even so in an area which takes 10 minute walk to the nearest bus stop.
I read that if I got a restraining order within the same house as someone that person would have to move out, and while my brother treats me badly I didn't want to that because it's my parents house. Even if I could have prevented him from going to my school, and messing up my life there.
My new apartment is small, it's the smallest yet the cheapest I can find with today's rate, and bonus the bus to my job even passes by here along with one that can take me well closer to the school.
The day after my move I had realized the apartment right next to me got a rug, I found it suddenly odd because the lady that gave me the tour said the people next to me had just moved along with the one of my apartment. I shrugged it off and kept walking to unlock my door to my fresh new apartment. And then there he was, sitting on my floor from inside my locked property. I stared at him baffled. I didn't even get a word out before he just unplugged the TV, which I have no idea when he unpacked it but he had put it on the floor leaning against the wall and he sat criss cross right infront of it. Whatever channel or show he was watching my fear and surprise was too much to even notice.
He got up, and walked towards me, my heart racing as we stared each other in eye. My brother being my brother I wasn't sure if I was even expecting anything to be said by this incident but I think I wish he wouldn't have. I wish he would have came in and left. But what he said to me before walking out of my apartment and down the hall was, "I always know where you are.".
The color drained from my face, the backpack that was so heavy on my shoulder slid off, even after the sound of a door closing I stood in my door way completely in utter terror and shock by what I just saw.
I don't remember who I called first, the police or my parents. I was shaking, the additional dead bolt my dad had installed on my door didn't even seem enough from the inside anymore.
I told the police when they got there before my parents that I wanted a restraining order on him immediately. I sobbed uncontrollably and while I knew he was listening probably through the walls, I didn't care. I had escaped a life without his taunting and he follows me?? I didn't believe it. Truly I couldn't believe at how awful I felt then; but honestly the awful had just begun.
The police had banged on his door, they waited a while, but nothing. They told me that it sounded like he wasn't home. And I said that was impossible it had been in my apartment less than maybe 30 minutes ago and I was listening to him stomp around abit.
The police decided to let my parents handle this since I was hysterical, and they said I could go tomorrow and fill out the paper work. I didn't know why he said that to me, I didn't know why I trusted what he said and most of all I didn't know why I couldn't feel safe even if nothing had happened to me and it was indeed just Harry no one else.
I was very paranoid but none of the things the officer said to me, made me feel safer being next to him.
My mom chose to stay the night and move things around and we slept on the somewhat bed on the floor, and my dad went home for work tomorrow.
It seemed like sleep didn't come to me for a while, I could see the door from my room, and it felt eerie. I was half expecting him to burst in, and half expecting him to already be inside. I think I would have preferred the latter.
When sleep did eventually hit me, it didn't really last long. I started to feel heavy, damp, like as if I was having the worst heat wave but my body seemed cold.
I awoke to something heavy on my chest, and at first I had thought mom had thrown one of my pillows on me so I tried to grab it and fling it off when my hand touched what definitely was not a pillow. It was my brother squatting over my sleeping body. I looked up at him and from what little moonlight came in, I looked into his almost demonic looking face. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, poking my mom on what I thought was her butt at the time. According to her, I had stabbed her in the stomach with my finger poke.
She a woke and turned on the light and just like that, he was gone. The weight disappeared but my fear was definitely deeply rooted. As I was telling my mom about what had happened she had told me it was a bad dream and that what I had seen today was the scariest thing I had seen yet. I wasn't sure I even believed her, it felt very real to me. I felt his breathing on my face, the heat from his body, I just couldn't explain to her because logically she was right there was no way he could have gotten in an out without me noticing; unless he never left.
The next day at the police station, I think I wish I would have never went. Out of everything in this story, I sincerely wish I just didn't walk through those doors, or sit down. Nothing. I wish it never happened, somehow my brother made me fear police; or atleast just the one that talked to me that day.
The police man that was taking down whatever I said after his questions seemed very nice, he was sweet and talked to me extra gently for some reason but I didn't really mind. He asked me who I was putting a restraining order on and why, and I said my brother Harry and he was silent for a bit. He asks me if that was his nickname, and I shock my head, "No that's my brothers name, his legal name is Harry _____". Once again the officer looked at me weirdly. He asked me if I was playing a prank on him. The words, 'a prank' hit me in the stomach like a truck. I thought "I knew, they weren't going to take me seriously."
The police officer showed me his computer to which had a black film screen he had slid down for me to see that under my family, there was only my mom and my dad and my name right there. "And wheres Harry? Does he have a different last name or something?"
Once again the police officer looked at me like I was insane and just shook his head quietly. I just couldn't understand why, what was so wrong about what I was telling him and he was telling me. The conversation seemed to be going no where, so I got up and I said I changed my mind and that I was just going home. I got my bag and turned to leave before he put his hand on my arm, grabbing it firmly.
"Ma'am, please have a seat. He'll here shortly." Those words hit my back like pure daggers.
"He?" My mouth trembled as tears already sprang up
"Yes, Harry. Will be coming to get you, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's here."
The door to the officers room had opened slowly, and since it was fully wood I had no way of knowing what was going to come in through that door.
A small lady officer poked her head in, asking if everything was alright and I had ripped my arm away without turning around and said yes as I walked out the room.
I walked home after that, and I went in through the back side of my apartment building so I would be closer to my door, not having to pass by "his".
Everyone's words repeated in my head over and over. None of it made sense, I felt physically ill.
I realized that I didn't need to be alone, but because things have been so hectic I had forgotten to ask a few friends and my boyfriend to come down to the apartment, so we made plans for the next day. I think that was the only thing normal about everything I had going on in my mind.
I went to shower, and I turned on the shower without opening the shower curtain, as I was undressing and putting my clothes on top of the sink, I was down to my underwear before I pulled back my curtain to reveal a soaking wet Harry standing in my shower.
At that point I was just angry. I was just so angry that I punched him, he didn't even seem to flinch. Almost like in a cool super hero movies, but when it happens right infront of you, it's not a cool superhero movie. Physics just didn't happen, which only crossed my mind later on. He's not a villain he's my brother and he's standing in my shower, wet, fully clothed, with no reaction to a punch to the face.
Tears had already began streaming down my face, no crying just raging tears as I stared at this unflinching man. I didn't even care why anymore I just wanted to live normally.
I looked him in the eyes as I turned off the water, took my clothes, and locked the door from the inside out. I had done backing up slowly like he was some sort of animal, and I was the prey.
When the police and my parents got there, to my demise. Harry was not there. Harry did not leave any wet towels or even a single drop on the floor, it was like the shower was never even on to begin with. The shower was completely dry.
After picking the lock open the police were very unimpressed. They told me I can't make fake calls, they told my parents I could get in deeper trouble if they weren't being so nice.
My parents apologized and looked at me with such a look I couldn't read but it was towards how I had made them look in front of the police. Like I was red riding hood telling the wolf about the wolf and the wolf not believing me that there was a wolf. I just felt so belittled, like I was the crazy one there. When my own brother had now multiple times been in my apartment unannounced.
I didn't understand..The logic of things didn't add up. How he got into my apartment, what the police officer said, what all the officers I have seen in the past couple of days, everything really, it didn't add up at the time.
I decided right then and there to prove to my parents and the police he was there. It always worked, he has done it all my life.
So I sang, loudly. I sang a lullaby that my mom and my dad had always sang to me and my brother. But nothing. Nothing for what should have taken seconds, not even after I finished the short song, nothing.
We all stood there quietly after a few moments when I finished, the woman officer awkwardly complimented me, but looked at me bewildered.
My mom began to sob, it's almost like she folded like a broken lawn chair. She sat and cried and the police were even more confused, my father assured them things would be fine and they left not before reminding me about fake calls.
My father sat down and he held her. He replicated her upset. But I simply couldn't put my finger on it.
"Why can't you just let go." My father said finally
"Let go of what my dreams?? Let go of singing because he's so spiteful, why can't I just be left alone!" I screamed at him but the incoming tears that came with that started to muffle my last few words
"Marissa, I just wish you would take your medication-" My fathers words caught off as he got up but my mother continued his sentence, "You won't find peace anywhere you go if you keep blaming yourself, please, let us help you" Her words were wobbly but not as much as I was afterward hearing even more yet confusing words
I didn't understand what they were saying; I didn't know if what they were saying was even real. I didn't even know who I was. I began hyperventilating, and the last thing I remember was being on my mother's lap as she gently stroked my hair.
Just this one last scene before I ended up here, her tears slammed down my face like water bullets. I had opened my eyes and she was just praying as she stroked my hair, there was no way to tell where we were but it was a white walled room, too bare. I couldn't move my body but I didn't fight it; somehow it felt on the brink of light and almost dead. Looking around the room the light was too bright, and there were three chairs, my father sat in on sleeping straight up with his hand on his jaw. Next to me the chair I presume was for my mother, and then the other sat my brother looking at me almost like he hasn't stopped his eyes were red and deep yet looked weary though.
"What's wrong?" I whispered and my mother looked up at me surprised, she stuttered to think of something to say before she realized my gaze.
"I'm just worried about you, you got too sick." He said in the nicest way I have heard in my first 19 years of life.
Yet somehow I didn't acknowledge that, "I'm sick?"
He nodded almost robotically, "Very, because you keep thinking about me."
I wanted to yell at him, I started storing and wanting to move and use whatever energy I didn't have to get up. But my mother had reverted my gaze to her by pushing my cheek towards her
"He..he is not real baby." She whispered but followed it up shushing me gently back to sleep; as she continued to push my already pushed back hair. Her tears still slamming my forehead with their force.
I looked back to my brother, and he smiled sweetly. As he walked towards the bed, I watched him with intensity. He looked at my mom who only looked at me curious about what I was doing. He leaned down and kissed mom on the head, she had no reaction. I twisted my neck to see her, and the put his finger up to his lips. I was utterly confused why he did that. Looking forward and backwards between the two, neither of them seem to react.
"Let go of me."
"How?"
"Find out soon before you waste your life away, let me live through you, not hold you back. Go. Push forward." He put his hand on mine and just like that vanished before my eyes.
"Mom, did you feel him kiss your head?"
My mother looked up and searched the room, her eyes skipped my father and looked behind her and I caught a glimpse of medical equipment on the wall.
"Where? Where? Where is he?" She talked in a wail and she just covered her face crying into them all over again.
Looking back at it.
I think I tortured my mom by being alive. I can see the only child shes ever wanted, and I constantly remind her that I see him and she couldn't. It was for the best. I didn't know how to get over seeing my dead older brother my whole life because I never knew he was dead to begin with. My parents left his room exactly how it was, and there was never a neighbor next door, the mat was moved in front of it by a random person after it was dragged around.
It took me along time in here to realize and learn everything; but there's not much I can do now.
Harry and I do not see each other anymore.
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