#his character resonates with me in such a deeper level I didn't know it was capable | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

princeoftheeternalbog · 27 days

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Helloooo, I’m not sure if you still do requests on One Piece characters or anything- but if you do I have a scenario in mind. I was wondering if you could do one specifically with Traflagar Law who has a S/O which gets injured and refuses his help. The S/O has a problem with accepting help and has trouble being vulnerable in front of others- only seeing it as weakness. This could also work for the other more colder One Piece characters…cause idk they just have a special place in my heart. (Though if you can’t that’s okay, but I thought I’d ask)

ALSO I read lots of your posts and absolutely love your scenarios and head-cannons, you literally portray all the characters so well and it’s amazing.

This is the cutest ask and thank you omg😭

I hope this is good🫶

And little trigger warning for descriptions of injury and blood at the beginning, I'll put a line so you know where to skip to if you don't want to read that bit.

I totally accidentally posted this so now I'm writing as it's up, forgive me😞 OKAY IT'S IN A FINISHED STATE I MAY ADD MORE AFTER I FORCE MY FRIEND TO READ OVER IT🕺🏻🕺🏻

I don't know if I'm happy with the length either i kinda feel it should be longer.

The soft, shlick of a blade through flesh rings in your ears. The adrenaline rushing through your body swallows any pain in an instant, but you can feel the pressure as it drags into your side and you wince anyway.

But you can't stop.

If you stop he's going to get past, he's going to hurt the people you call a family and so you can't stop.

His frame is hulking, freakishly tall and looming over you. The level of brute force he's exerting has your heart stuttering in fear, the staccato rhythm making you feel light headed. Though that could be the blood that's dripping from your side.

You hit his sternum, hard, and feel a crack. He stumbles, dazed, your fist comes up to head height and your aim is killer as it slams into the side of the man's head.

He's out cold.

The sigh of relief that exits your body almost overshadows the sudden pain resonating throughout your torso. Without an oncoming threat, you're able to take the time to lift your shirt and look at the damage. It's mostly mottled bruising but just under your lowest left rib is a long but shallow cut. Not life threatening in any way but still inconvenient.

It hurts to breathe and you're not sure if your rib bones are fully intact either, not with the way he was hitting.

The adrenaline is fading quickly, you needed to get him inside.

He'd crumpled into a very ungraceful pile when you knocked him out and it's difficult to tie him securely. But you do. And then you take a deep breath and haul him up over your shoulders in a botched fireman's lift.

Your captain would want to find out who decided it would be a good idea to send someone after the heart pirates.

Your captain would...

The last thing you think about before you hit the deck face first is him.

He's silent as he works.

It's almost unnerving actually, how quiet he can be when he wants to.

"Law-"

The look he shoots you is so intense that you physically shrink back, mouth closing as you drop your gaze to the floor.

He lets out a heavy sigh as he finishes disinfecting the last of his tools before he turns to you.

"What is wrong with you."

He's angry, you can feel it radiating off him, it digs into the soft underbelly of your emotions and you bristle at his words.

"I was just doing my job" Your tone is sharp but he doesn't flinch.

"Your job does not involved getting killed you idiot."

"Well I didn't get killed so it's not that big of a deal"

He looks like he's about to blow a gasket, the vein in his forehead pulsing with the renewed blood flow.

"Not a big deal? Not a big deal?"

You have the distinct feeling that you might've fucked up a little. That still doesn't stop you from digging a deeper hole to be buried in.

"I'm fine just let me deal with my own problems"

His eye actually twitches but you keep talking.

"It's barely a scratch, I don't need help- especially not yours."

The thunderous anger on his face is now accompanied by hurt, but his voice is soft when he says,

"Let me help you"

"I just said I don't need help"

"I don't think that you know what you need"

That stings. To know he doesn't trust your judgement after everything you've been through. There's a pressure at the back of your throat now and it's so uncomfortable, you need to leave.

But as you go to move, Law is much quicker as he grabs you by your upper arm, pulling you into his space.

"Where are you going"

You don't look at him.

He sighs before his other arm comes around your waist and he lifts, walking across the room to set you down onto a table.

"Why don't you understand that I care about you"

The emotion in his voice unsettles you, makes your chest feel tight and you really don't want to deal with this.

He's gentle as he gets to work on your injuries, easily cleaning and stitching up your side before moving to bind your ribs.

"I need you to remove your shirt"

Your hands are shaking, he hasn't really seen the full extent and you're sure he's not going to respond well. It's hard to get the buttons of your shirt undone so when a second pair of hands come up, you don't push them away. But him being closer means you hear the exact moment he realises how bad it is, his inhale is sharp and he says something in a language you don't know.

"Why didn't you call for backup?"

You take a while to respond, trying to squash down any emotion in your voice,

"I didn't need it"

"Did you want it?"

The question makes you squirm with discomfort, your eyes water.

"It doesn't matter because I didn't need it"

He sighs again. That's all you seem to be making him do today.

And then his arms are coming up around you, pulling you closer to the edge of the table and closer to him. One of his hands rests on your back and the other pushes your head into the crook of his shoulder, allowing you a semblance of privacy in such an intimate moment.

"You need to understand that not letting us help you is counterintuitive to being part of a crew"

The statement makes you flinch and you try to push away from him but that fight took a lot of your strength. His grip tightens anyways.

"Do you think I find it easy to be vulnerable?"

"...No"

"Do you think I would want you to die?"

You don't respond this time, chest heaving as you tremble.

"It's not easy to see you like this. You are not a human shield."

"I know" Your voice is quiet and thick with tears but he seems to relax slightly at your agreement.

The hand on your back is moving in gentle shapes, but his grip is still firm, as if he's trying to affirm that you're here and alive.

"I can't have a crew member that doesn't trust anyone"

You tense.

"I can't have a partner that won't be vulnerable with me"

Guilt and dread roll through your stomach. Surely he doesn't mean-

"I can't trust that you won't die because you feel can't rely on others so you're benched until we work through it"

Oh. You actually feel a bit relieved, you thought he was going in a much different direction. You lean back out of his hold so you can look at his face through wet eyes.

His expression is soft but he looks tired and the guilt rears it's head again.

"I'm sorry"

Somehow his expression gets even softer,

"I know"

He kisses you then. It's grounding, brings you back to a semblance of calm and you almost wonder why you were so apprehensive in the first place. He's gentle and warm and you feel slightly self conscious that your lips might be puffy from crying but you don't pull away.

It's reverent, like he worships you.

You think you could learn to let him take care of you.

You think you would let him do anything.

If it feels like this.

#one piece x reader #x reader #trafalgar law x reader #law x reader #Trafalgar law fic #one piece fic #op fic #op x gn reader #one piece x gn reader #Trafalgar law x gn reader #law x gn reader #law x you #trafalgar law x you #one piece x you

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normal-sea-urchin · 6 months

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Casey Jones Fucking Dies: Chapter 5

here it is, after like, 3 days, 2,755 words of raph going through it, leo's kind of a jerk in this one, but yeah, please enjoy, so sorry for postponing it and making it so long

What April said resonated in Raph's mind for the next few days. What did she mean off? And what did she mean his 'vibe'? Do the rest of the guys think he's being weird? Wait, duh, of course they do, they told April that. He pondered all these thoughts while lying down on his bed, legs dangling off the edge.

In their defense, he had been acting weird. All this weird stuff, the white fog in the sewer, his sai constantly going missing, his stuff getting knocked over, the face in the mirror, all of it. It'd been bizarre for him, so he could only imagine how it looked to his brothers and April. Considering that Mikey didn't seem to react to the white fog in the sewer tunnel, he probably didn't see anything, so whatever was wrong had something to do with Raph.

Why was all this happening to him; was it some kind of elaborate prank by his brothers? Maybe god is punishing me for what I did he jokingly thought to himself. Or maybe it's a ghoooooooost.

"Hehe..." he chuckled. Wait. Wait hang on. That's it. What if that's it? What if this whole thing, with the nightmares and restless nights, the cold gusts of winds, and that haunting face in the mirror. Raph felt his brow furrow as he delved deeper into his thoughts. If he was really being haunted, then by who? Or by what?

"Uhhhhhh, dude?"

Raph launched up from his comfortable position on his bed, turning to see who was in the door. Mikey. it was just Mikey. Raph was so deep in his thought that he didn't even hear Mikey walk in.

"You okay?" Mikey asked, swinging his arms back and forth and teetering on his feet. "You seemed like, way spaced out."

"Uh- Of course I'm okay!" Raph lashed out, getting off his bed and placing his hands on his hips(?). How long had Mikey been standing there, watching him?

"If you say so bro. Anyways, pizza's here." Mikey mentioned walking away into the living room. Raph retired his arms to his side. He waited a few moments before following Mikey into the living room. As he turned the corner from his doorway to the conversation pit, he took a moment to dive back into his previous thoughts.

Haunted? That's dumb. Like, Mikey level dumb. There's no way he was being haunted. It's not like ghosts are real. That's stupid.

_______________________

"Hello my sons." Master Splinter greeted, walking from the kitchen to the living room with a cup of tea in hand.

"Hi Sensei!" the turtles collectively saluted, turning their attention from the TV to their father.

"Would any of you like to join me for meditation in the dojo?" Splinter suggested.

"Of course Sensei!" Leo perked up. Mikey and Donnie both respectfully declined, leaving Raph to choose. You know what, with all the weird stuff that had been happening to him recently, he could probably use some meditation.

"Ya know what, sure." Raph answered, getting up and turning to walk towards the dojo. After realizing the room had fell silent with the exception of the TV, Raph turned to face his brothers. His brothers were all staring at him with blank faces, eyes wide.

"What?" Raph snarled.

"You're choosing to meditate? Because you want to?" Leo questioned. Now that Raph thought about it, him choosing to meditate over watching cartoons was extremely out of character; to say nothing of everything else that had happened after Casey Jones's death.

"Raphael may meditate with us if he wishes to do so." Splinter interjected, ending the conversation. And with that, the two turtles and their father walked into the dojo to start meditating.

About half an hour later, all three had slipped deep into their meditative state. Raph felt his mind clear, it felt nice with all that had been happening to him the past two months. His mind began to flood with those thoughts. His thought process tracked back to the white haze with the green glow in the sewer tunnel. And with that, his brain traced its way back to the face in the mirror. The image flashed in his mind. The pale, skull like face framed by what looked like oil, or grease. Something dark and dripping like that. Except this time, the image stuck im his brain for longer than usual. Like it was staring at him.

Raph felt his breath grow faster, and faster. The face distorted, twisting into a mask of rage. And just like that, the face disappeared again. Raph heard a far away whisper, but he couldn't quite understand it. A few seconds passed and he heard it again, but still couldn't understand it. A few seconds passed and his mind cleared again. He attempted to calm his breathing. He let his shoulders fall and his jaw unclench, not even knowing he had tensed up in the first place.

A few more seconds passed and by then Raph had returned to his blissful meditative state. But then there came a thought. Or, a vision? There was more whispering, and something was getting closer to him, rapidly.

"You left me to BLEED!" screamed a voice, accompanied by the flashing image of the face from the mirror!

"AAAH!" Raph yelped, finally opening his eyes and jumping back. It wasn't until he felt a hand on his shoulder did he realized he was back in the dojo.

"Raphael! are you alright my son?" the tall rat asked, readjusting his hand on the turtle's shoulder. Raph glanced behind his father to see Leo was standing just behind him, his brow furrowed, showing his concern.

"I- yeah I'm fine. I'm okay." Raph lied, turning his eyes back to his father, trying to steady his voice. The image of the face flashed in his mind again, making him wince a bit.

"Are you sure?" Splinter inquired, strengthening his grip on his son's shoulder.

"Hai Sensei." Raph assured, deciding it was time for him to leave. He wiggled out of his father's grip and made his way to the door. The second he was out of the dojo he made a beeline to his room. He thought he heard Donnie ask him what happened but he didn't care. When he reached his room, he slammed the door behind him and leaned his shell against it. He let himself sink down to the floor, curl up, and cry. Like he did all those nights ago. He sat in front of his door and cried.

_______________________

Two days passed and things were seemingly back to normal. When Leo asked Raph about what happened in the dojo, he simply lied and said he saw a really big roach. He could tell his brother wasn't satisfied, but he didn't really care. All he could really think about for long periods of time was what did happen in the dojo? It was becoming clear to Raph that whatever was happening was probably more than a hallucinations or his imagination. This was real.

Maybe he was being haunted. Maybe it was a ghost. April said his 'vibe' was off, maybe it was the ghost she was sensing. That still leaves the question of who's haunting him. Raph had a solid guess about who he was being haunted by, but he didn't like the idea that he was being haunted by the guy he had killed; which raph still had a problem coming to terms with. He still didn't know how he was ever going to tell his brothers.

But nevertheless, he had to keep up with his duties as a ninja, haunting or no haunting. His brothers were patrolling the city, hopping from roof to roof. It had recently rained, making the terrain a little slippery. Of course this was no problem for the group of ninja. They gracefully leaped from an apartment complex to an abandoned warehouse. There was a glowing purple light coming through the window, which typically meant the Kraang.

"Ok team," Leonardo started, peering through the roof light, "I say we go for a stealth attack. They don't seem to be too alert on the left side of the building so I recommend we sneak through there." A collective affirmative grunt came from the of the team. They began to walk over to the left side of the building, where they then snuck through an air duct.

"BOOYAHKASHA!" Mikey yelled, as he fell out of the air duct, landing on a kraang-droid. "Aw yeah dawg, the turtles are in the house!" The rest of the turtles landed beside him in battle position.

"It is the ones who are called the turtles!" one of the Kraang-droids reported.

"The ones who are called the turtles are not meant to be in the place known as this place!" a second one stated.

The four turtles all ran off in different directions, each taking on a dozen kraang-droids. Leo dug his swords into the chest of a Kraang-droid before using them to lift it up and throw it at a few other Kraang, knocking out at least four. Donatello twirled his bow staff around him knocking out any Kraang before any of them could reach him. His defense came to a halt when one of the Kraang jumped onto the end of his bo staff and crawled towards him.

Meanwhile Raph was stabbing Kraang-droids left and right. One came up behind him but before the bot could land the attack, Raph whipped around and kicked it to the ground. With the Kraang-droid on the ground, Raph raised his sai up to prepare for an attack and-

Wait. This wasn't right. Oh no. This was- This was just like that night.

While Raph was deep in his thoughts, the Kraang-bot took the chance to shoot its laser gun at Raph, and right in the middle of his shell too. This sent Raph flying back, making him crash into a pile of crates. He groaned in pain.

"Raph! Mikey, Donnie, retreat! Raph's down!" Leo commanded. Mikey and Leo rushed over to Raph and lifted him up, each of them slinging one of Raph's arms over their shoulders while Donnie twirled his bo staff to prevent any more lasers from hitting them. Leo and Mikey guided Raph down a corridor that led to an exit, with Donnie short behind. By then the Kraang had stopped trailing them.

Leo and Mikey gently sent Raph down on the pavement of the dark alleyway they were now in. "Raph! Raph are you okay?" Leo worried, checking to see if Raph was bleeding or had any cracks in his plastron.

"Ugh, I'm fine, Lame-o-nardo." Raph snapped back, pushing Leo's hand away from his plastron. He hated the look on his brothers' faces; they looked at him with fear and what seemed like pity on their faces. Yeah, well Raph didn't need their pity.

"Lame-o-nardo!?" Leo yelled, "In case you didn't notice, I just saved your life because you messed up!" Raph hated how Leo was right. He wanted to yell at Leo and nitpick every mistake Leo had ever made, but he didn't have the energy to fight.

"Whatever, let's just go home." Raph growled through gritted teeth. Lifting himself up, shooing his brother's hand away, to show he could stand without help. And with that, all four turtles disappeared into the sewers of New York, and began to make their way home.

_______________________

The walk home was relatively normal, aside from the uncomfortable silence. Even mikey was quiet. Raph walked behind the rest of his brothers, staring down at his feet as he walked. He watched his footsteps send ripples through the sewer water. He glanced up to try and see Leo, who was leading, but his two younger brothers blocked his line if sight. He turned his head back down to face the puddle he had just stepped in.

Oh no.

As raph stared into the puddle, he was met with another face staring back at him. The very same face that he'd seen before in the mirror. The very face he'd seen while meditating. And now it was here again. The skull-ish face staring back at him with blank eyes, still with what looked like oil covering its face. Raph felt his entire body freeze as the image in the puddle sent shivers up his spine. His breathing increased and grew heavy. The face remained monotone, with the exception which squinted at Raph.

And after what felt like hours but was really only a few seconds, Raph reclaimed his voice and much like he had two days ago in the dojo, jumped back and let out a scream of terror. The rest of the turtles whipped around in response to Raph's scream, but Raph kept his eyes locked on the puddle. After a few blinks, the face disappeared, and it was at this point that Raph lifted his head up to meet Leo's gaze. The turtle masked in blue was glaring at him, and gritted his teeth before lashing out.

"What is your problem, Raph!?" he yelled. "You've been acting weird for months!? Is there something you aren't telling us!?" Leo continued to glare at Raph.

Raph remained silent, simply staring back at Leo. His thoughts were scrambled. they were like fog, unable to grasp, simply floating around, leaving Raph unable to piece together a sentence.

"GODAMMIT RAPH!" What is with you?" Leo screamed, wishing his brother would talk to him for once.

"Leo-"

"Not now Donnie!" Leo scolded. "Listen Raph, if you can't talk to us, if you can't take missions seriously, then you can't be on the team anymore." the turtle threatened.

"...What?" Raph finally spoke.

"You heard me. Keep acting weird and messing up missions, and you're off the team." Leo reprimanded.

"Leo, dude-" Mikey whispered.

"Mikey." Leo warned, shutting down the conversation. He turned to continue walking, followed shortly by Mikey and Donnie, and eventually Raph. The rest of walk home was silent; Mikey and Donnie didn't want to risk ticking off Leo more, and Raph was deep in his thoughts.

He was once again thinking about the haunting face. The one from the mirror, and his meditative vision, and now the one he had seen staring back at him from the water. Upon having seen him a third time, Raph realized where he'd seen the skull pattern before. His mind turned back to roughly two months ago, in the streets of suburban downtown New York. The fight with Casey Jones, Casey Jones who had been wearing a skull mask.

This connection left Raph knowing he had a question to ask April.

_______________________

"Hey April? Can I ask you a question?" Raph was standing behind April, who was sitting in the conversation pit, doing something on her computer. She turned to face him with a blank look on her face.

"Uh, sure. What's up?" she permitted, putting her laptop at half-mass.

"Um, it's about that Casey guy, you said he was your friend." Raph clarified.

"Oh, uh, yeah. What about him?" she responded, trying to mask the sorrow in her voice.

"I was uh- I was wondering what he looked like." Raph muttered. April stared at Raph for a while, looking tired despite having been full of energy just a moment ago. She sat her laptop aside and brought her legs up to her chest.

April pulled out her phone and opened an app, though Raph couldn't see which one. "Here." she mumbled, passing her phone to Raph. He took the phone from her and turned his eyes to the screen. It was a picture. A selfie. April was in the lower right corner, giving a toothy smile. In the top left corner was...

It was a teenager, about April's age. He also gave a toothy smile, though he seemed to be missing his two front teeth. He had dark brown eyes. He had a bandanna tied around his forehead, securing his hair. His hair which was a dark black and very greasy. It framed his face in a very familiar way.

"That Casey?" Raph asked April. She only responded with a silent nod of her head.

This just about confirmed it. The night of his death lining up with the beginning of the weird occurrences. The skull faced mask. The possible grudge against Raph. And now the black hair. Maybe it wasn't oil or tar that framed the apparition's face, but instead it was hair.

And that was it.

Raphael was being haunted by Casey Jones.

Masterpost/Chapter 1/Previous/Next

#tmnt #2012 tmnt #casey jones #2012 casey jones #2012 raph #raphael #casey jones fucking dies

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cynic-view-ahead · 4 months

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I wasn't originally planning on writing any of this, but I've read so many wonderful and deeply personal love letters to FFVIII yesterday and today for its 25th anniversary that it kind of emboldened me to.

So here goes I guess, kind of somewhat personal wall of text about a ps1 game, under the cut. You've been warned!

Okay now I don't know how to start. You could say FFVIII came into my life at exactly the right time for me to absolutely imprint on it.

I remember playing the demo that came with a bunch of other demos from a PSN magazine; I'd watched my older brother play a lot of FFVII beforehand and I was enchanted by the story, graphics and characters, the music... Even though my understanding of english at the time was next to mediocre so I relied on him to explain things a lot. I was like... 8 or 9 then so loads of subjects and plot points went completely over my head but it didn't matter at all to me (It was kind of hilarious when I replayed it when I was older because I was like damn, this story is a LOT more convoluted/complicated than I remember wth??? Lmao)

When VIII finally released and I watched my brother play, I was now 10/11 and sometimes he'd play without me so I missed a lot of stuff (and it's rather funny because I remember looking at Squall and co at first and being like whoa, those adults have got their shit together so much and wow how I ever could have looked at Squall and thought that, is beyond me lmao) but when he was done with it I picked it up and played. And sucked. But it stayed with me through my teenage years, never too far.

I was then a lot more fluent in english and literature in general so it pretty much was my first real big 'story-driven' video game ever. I was so damn invested, and, perhaps most of all, I saw myself in Squall so damn much it was borderline uncanny. I think it's so comforting (or alarming depending on how you want to look at it lol) that that seems to be a common thing for all of us die-hard fans. We just 'get it', don't we?

I've... always been a 'weird' kid. That kid other kids somehow know to stay away from, because something is 'off' with them, before they learn how to mock and bully. And I was aware of my 'otherness' as much as them, for as long as I can remember. I never quite fit in, anywhere, no matter how hard I tried. I didn't have a lot of friends, and the very few I had I always kept at arms' length for self-preservation reasons. If I was never vulnerable, if they knew nothing deeper than surface-level stuff about me, they could never hurt me. And this way I wouldn't get too attached, so when they left it wouldn't hurt. Sound familiar?

Admittedly it's safe to assume that I had a somewhat fucked-up childhood (I mean, I wasn't an orphan forced to become a child soldier but still lol) as these behaviours didn't appear out of nowhere, and Squall's inner monologues and way of seeing things just resonated so much with me, I couldn't believe this guy was the hero that saved the day, despite all his traumas and anxiety... But he was. And he did. And his friends cared for him despite it all. And someone fell in love with him, flaws and all. He realized his way of life wasn't sustainable forever and he just... changed. But he wasn't unlovable. He wasn't irredeemable and broken! I cried so much the first time I finished that game. It felt so fucking unfair, I felt like I'd grown and matured right alongside Squall but as the credits rolled and the tv screen turned black I was met with my reflection; alone, in my room. Where were my friends, where was my Rinoa?

I'm an extremely private person. Sharing deep things about myself is extremely difficult for me and twice now I've come this close to erasing the entirety of this post. I have to fight the voice in my head that says this is irrelevant and useless at best, and dangerous to divulge so much personal info at worst. When I talk about personal things, even to the people closest to me, I start shaking and I feel nauseous and cold all over. Even today, right now as I'm typing this!

But this damn video game made me realize that I would never be happy and at peace if I was never honest and vulnerable. Because when you spend years around someone and know loads of things about them yet they know nothing about you, you're not a friend; you're an acquaintance. To love is to give a person the means to hurt you and trust them not to. You have to take that leap.

I eventually found my friends, and my Rinoa; I'm still having trouble trusting and opening up and relying on others but it got better, and it gets better still, and it's in part because of that. one. video game. Ain't that just crazy? A little bit, probably. Who cares.

I feel this wall of text of a post is all over the place and probably TMI but wow good on you for reading through it all lmao. Am I gonna regret posting this in the morning? Most definitely. But hopefully I have the strenght to leave it up. Hopefully someone somewhere can also relate, like I've related so much to all of your posts on this game! Ultimately I am deeply grateful and amazed by this community, we're the black sheeps, the underdogs, the often ill-understood... But I wouldn't want it any other way.

Happy 25th anniversary, Final Fantasy VIII.

#warning: long-ass text post #final fantasy viii #final fantasy 8 #ffviii #ff8 #my shit #happy 25th anniversary ffviii

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sculptural-renaissance · 8 months

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SGU Week Day 2 (I promise I can count; I'm just behind!!): Favorite Character

Leave it to me to get fixated on a character who only shows up in 4 episodes of a show that got cancelled 12 years ago. 😫 I thoroughly enjoyed SGU from its inception, but Amanda Perry is what took the show from something I really enjoyed to my current hyperfixation (yes, it's her fault I'm here, this fictional lady). She lives rent-free in my head. 💖

(Also fair warning this is gonna be long as hell)

I'm aware that her primary function is that of "love interest," but her character resonated with me on a much deeper level. Maybe I didn't travel a billion light-years to be with the person I love, but I did move 1,000 miles away from everything I knew to make a life with the man who became my husband. I know what it's like to feel rejected because the person you love shows their love differently (though I've been married for almost 6 years now after 3.5 years of long-distance, and then a lengthy engagement, so I know from experience that loving differently doesn't mean loving less). I know what it's like to feel like I'm not valued as a person, though in my case, I was mistreated because I'm autistic as opposed to being paralyzed, and I was regularly used and taken advantage of for my musical abilities, with little respect for my health or needs. I wasn't a person, I was a thing. I've been targeted by people I couldn't fight back against, even for things I didn't do. I know what it's like to be left behind for a lot of social milestones (driving, dating, etc.) I know what it's like to finally find that one safe person who sees you for you.

Amanda is relatable as hell to me. I do want to focus on her specifically in this post, though obviously her romantic endeavors are a factor. Tbh one of the main reasons I like her so much is, in addition to all the other stuff I just mentioned, is that she was the one to initiate things with Rush. I have little dating experience, myself, but I was the instigator in most of my relationships, especially with my husband. Gotta love those ladies who are active instead of waiting around for a guy to make up his mind!

Anyway, I make a lot of SGU memes and dumb lil comics that I share on Facebook, and a decent chunk of them are about Amanda (she even has her own multi-episode arc!!), so I'll share some of them here. I guess if people like them, I can put them on tumblr. I'll add that the vast majority of my content takes place post-stasis, so this Amanda inhabits her own meat body, cloned from DNA the SGC had on file, and is not a computer ghost or a body-swapper with questionable ethics. 😂

I have generated A LOT of memes lmao

Well that didn't turn out to be a metaphor for anything... 😏 I didn't catch this the first time, but I ugly-laughed on my second watch-through.

When the lockdowns were first imposed in my town, I had no idea what that meant, and I was literally about to get in my car and commit a crime because I thought my husband was going to be trapped at work for 2 weeks. Obviously, that wasn't the case, but I felt this scene.

Since my brain has chosen to attach itself to a character with minimal backstory, I'm obligated to fill in the blanks. One thing I find disappointing in media is that even the nerdy women tend not to have nerdy interests, which absolutely is not what I've experienced in real life. My thought is that Amanda was already something of a prodigy ("Little Miss Brilliant" probably isn't a nickname you get for being a regular genius lmao) before her accident, probably skipped a grade or two in school, private tutors in math and science, that kind of thing, and was later homeschooled before starting college as a teen. She was probably pretty lonely because of that. I'm not quite a "genius" (I have a Master's in music and an Etsy shop, and I uhhhhh make memes about an old TV show for fun), but I am a former gifted kid. Even though I took gifted classes from 4th-12th grade (academics, not that pull-out enrichment crap), I felt very lonely even among my gifted classmates, and I struggled with making friends throughout school because I was just too different. I was weird. I liked weird stuff. The girls were mean. The boys that were my friends didn't like the girly stuff I enjoyed, so I had to lock that part of myself away to fit in. The kids a grade ahead of me obviously left, and the kids a grade below me didn't want to keep in touch when I moved on to high school or college. It was lonely. I see similar things in Amanda's brief appearances. She's on the Destiny for 3 weeks, and she pretty much just sticks to Rush because he's "safe." She tries to be friendly with Eli, but he ends up making fun of her, and he's not very nice to her later on, either (sometimes for good reason; she's my fave but she's no saint). TJ isn't exactly in a position to be socializing during a complicated surgery, so she gets a pass. 😉

This was rambly, but my point is that a lot of lonely nerds are drawn to sci-fi, even the girls. I know for a fact that I'm projecting, but come on, she designs hyperdrives. You really gonna sit there and tell me she never watched Star Trek? 😂

As a side note (oh boy even more rambling), in my fan content, she and Eli have a very sweet friendship based on their shared nerd interests. I really don't think they'd get along in canon as things were left.

Speaking of sci-fi, I like to think that, after getting recruited for the Stargate program, Amanda watched all of Wormhole X-treme to prepare herself. I also like to think that no one else on Destiny's crew has seen it except Eli, who saw a handful of episodes randomly. I just really need him to see a stargate for the first time and be all like WOW JUST LIKE WORMHOLE X-TREME 😂 These are two separate excerpts, one mentioning the show and tying it back to actual events in SG-1, and the other showing a snippet of an episode. Replicators are kinda like Legos, so of course the humanoid Wormhole X-treme versions would be Lego people (I'm not creative, I'm just silly).

Going back to feeling lonely, I do think Amanda would be pretty imaginative, even if she's kinda one-note. In a fic I'm working on, she confesses that all of her fantasies involve Rush and having working legs (disclaimer that there's obviously nothing wrong with using a wheelchair and that disabled people can and do have fulfilling romantic relationships and sex lives, but it seems clear in the show that she would like to be able to walk again, so I have stuck to that for this particular story), and the narrative quality of her fantasies is very much on par with dollar store romance novels. She reminds me a little of Tina from Bob's Burgers and her "erotic friendfiction," so I made a few crossover memes. That's Tina's copy of "Buttloose" in the 4th panel. Panel 3 is also a borrowed quote from Tina. I do think Amanda might struggle with tidiness since she spent a good 25 years not being able to pick up after herself at all. I also struggle with this due to executive dysfunction and growing up in a borderline hoarder environment, so I guess I'm projecting again RIP 😅

No, really, Camile, what do you mean????

I guess in Amanda's defense, she doesn't find Rush off-putting in any way since he's not unnecessarily mean to her. 😂

I'm not sure if I'll ever complete my fic, but one thing I'm exploring, both there and, to a less complicated degree, in my memes, is Amanda's use of the neural link while she's a computer ghost. In Seizure, she seemed to use it with ease (apart from that one colossal fuckup lmaooooo), and I'd really like to see what she could do with it after her file is no longer quarantined. I've done a lot of cringe rambling and infodumping (congrats to anyone who's actually made it this far), so I won't go into detail, but she does work on expanding use of the link so she and Ginn can use it at the same time and connect to multiple people so they can socialize and function more as crew members instead of something like a guardian angel or familiar spirit. I'd also like, as mentioned in a previous post for this event, if she could help Lisa "see" again via the neural link. Another possibility, as alluded to in the above photo, is making "holograms," which aren't really holograms, but are more like skins for the ship's AI. What's cooler, accessing a medical database in the infirmary, or asking the EMH from Voyager to give you the info you need? If you're a loser like me, it's absolutely the second one.

More backstory!! My hc is that Amanda's parents were killed in the accident that paralyzed her (on the way to some math tournament with the high school mathletes or something idk I'm a musician I don't know what STEM people do for fun), and she was raised by her grandparents. We all love to make our faves suffer, and I'm no exception. This is just a silly little comic, but there is a certain sadness of being intellectually advanced but emotionally immature, something common among gifted kids and neurodivergent people (and I'm both, wheeeee). Things are thankfully getting better now. I love seeing more acceptance. But it was difficult in the early 00s when I was a teen, and I'm sure it would have been harder for Amanda in the '80s and '90s. It's also difficult when you have to rely on someone else for transportation, but they are unwilling to take you places (I went nowhere in college except school and church and my parents were still always mad at me, which is weird of them because they actively discouraged me from driving and would not teach me or help me get over my fears, so uhhhh yeah).

Last one~

So yes, I'm definitely salty that my top 2 SGU ladies got fridged twice (Ginn's my second fave because of course she is). I do think it opened up a lot of interesting possibilities for both characters, but as the show was tragically cut short, we have to rely on fan content. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that Amanda and Ginn would have been fine had Amanda simply studied Bobby Hill's Guide to Self-Defense. Yes, it's bad, but I am a bad person and I generate irreverent things.

If you made it this far, then congratulations, you're an obsessed weirdo like me!! I know Amanda isn't exactly popular, nor is SGU, especially not so long after the fact, so I don't really expect anyone to read all this. If you do, I hope I was able to convey why she is so special to me. If nothing else, I hope you enjoyed the memes.

Also this took me like 5 hours to write, Jesus Christ I need to sleep

#sgu week #amanda perry #sgu #stargate universe #wormhole x-treme #shitpost #sgu memes #sgu amanda #sgu headcanon #sgu spoilers #look it got cancelled 12 years ago but i didn't even know it existed until about a year ago #THAT'S MY PURSE I DON'T KNOW YOU #i just love her so much #and I'm glad I'm finally free from RWBY because it sucks being hyperfixated on something you don't like anymore #now I have a new thing to like and be obsessed with!#long post #very long post

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wonderlandmind4 · 10 months

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Super agree with Foggy...look at Defenders where he sets aside his feelings towards Matt being Daredevil and shows him support by handing him his suit personally. And in S3 when he was adamant to Karen that he was willing to forgive Matt and didn't want to abandon him

But is Karen really at the same level of importance? One of the things that tick me is that I feel like I've seen Karen support Frank more than she ever did Matt. This is why I kinda fail to see the "she's so vital to Matt"...she didn't really show that. Not saying I wanted her to just show mindless unconditional support but it was weird how much more grace she showed to Frank than Matt in attempting to understand his motivations. She just straights up liken him to an addict which is problematic to me. Matt was the one man to ever help her first in her problem yet she couldn't lend him as much grace as she did Frank. Doesn't sit well with me at all

This is why she will never be as important as Foggy IMO. Sorry for the long rant.

Agai this really is a matter of fan’s opinion because I’ve seen so much Karen hate sadly, but for me, yes. I think she is. I say Foggy was the heart of the show, but not only to Matt, he was to Karen too. (She does say at one point that it was Matt AND Foggy that convinced her Matt was some kind of addict)

Matt has become one of my favorite characters ever, but I didn’t ignore some flaws he had or slightly had, and Karen was also a flawed character in certain ways. But she didn’t just straight up support Frank until after she dug deeper and found out what really happened why he was doing what he he did. And unfortunately that came at a time in S2 where there was too much shit on Matt’s plate and some things fell through the cracks. But Karen’s past makes sense of why she aligned with Frank and/or wanted to help him.

Because she also has a good heart under that penchant for pulling a trigger sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️ she’s just a little more okay doing it if she absolutely has to. But she’s always been determined and sharp minded and wants to help just as much as Matt does so when she was finally told, and it all made sense, by that point she was already hurt and disappointed 🤷🏻‍♀️ but she also comes around by the Defenders and S3- especially holding that hope and having a feeling that Matt wasn’t truly gone.

In S3 when Matt shows up at her place again Karen is back in a life threatening situation and her reactions to him again make sense for that moment and honestly very realistic.

If she was told sooner about Matt’s secret, if Matt revealed himself to be alive sooner in S3, she would have a different reaction. But this also goes back to my point about Foggy being the one who knows every side and shape and cut and damage piece of Matt. When he says to Karen that all of Matt’s life he’s been abandoned and he wasn’t going to do the same even after everything, and that everything was very much rooted in Matt’s own self hate and worth and his trauma. And I think once Karen was reminded of that she too wasn’t going to abandon Matt.

To me she never really did, stepping away to take time for herself is different than full on never speaking to him again or leaving, es if she felt hurt from the events in S2 but in The Defenders we see that she does still care for Matt.

The whole “vital” part to Matt thing I think is due to, again, her own heart and deep care she has for Foggy and Matt because she too lost her entire family (but it her fault or an accident) but because of some of the violence in her own life, and siding with Frank, she has more of an understanding with Matt’s violent Devil side and the injustice that’s the cause of that.

She’s just not the typical female character that sits by a man and lets them get away with hurting her or is super quick to forgive and forget, because if you hurt her you better not do it again. And maybe that’s something I resonated with in a way, but to me yeah, I think she’s just as important to Matt’s life. BUT that doesn’t have to be a continued romance (as they showed in Defenders and S3) and now that she knows everything and understands it more would make her someone else in his corner supporting him.

(Let’s not forget that Foggy still doesn’t outright support Daredevil’s tactics mainly because he’s terrified of Matt dying or getting caught)

#this again is my own opinion #it I really think of Karen was told sooner and there was better communication it would have played out differently #her actions came from a place of hurt and feeling a little betrayed #karen page #I am not a karen page hater #and with that said….I was never a fan of Eletrka with Matt either #daredevil #dd anon

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melstanaccount · 2 years

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Why I'm a Mel Stan

Thought I'd give a run-down on why I'm a Mel Stan lol (a term that is relatively new to me)!

I loved the The Last of Us, but the Part 2 resonated with me in a much deeper way. Originally, I was very much an Abby Stan. Like both Abby and Ellie, I lost someone very close to me in real life to murder and had to watch their killers escape justice, in my case because of intrenched homophobia and a morally corrupt criminal justice system.

In 2017 my little brother was pummeled into the ground by three men outside a nightclub. They kicked him, punched him, and turned bottles on him. His sin was kissing another man in front of a group of bigoted thugs. He died in hospital a few hours later and my mother died of a stress related stroke two weeks later. I was overseas at the time on a deployment and no one knew how to contact me, so I didn't find out til after they were buried.

This was a very cathartic game for me.

I very much empathise with both characters, but the more I played it and the more I came to terms with my own life and loss, the faster my love of them waned. Vengeance isn't justice (even in the apocalypse) and both characters went through a comprehensive arc and I think they both realised this by the end of the game. Of the two player characters, I'll probably always empathise with Abby more as she repeatedly tried to make good and atone in a much more concerted way than Ellie.

Part 2 is full of rich and beautiful characters. In particular Dina is fantastic, Lev and Yara are exceptionally brave, and Owen is a kind and gentle soul (if a bit thoughtless). I always felt for Mel, even in my very first play-through. She spent the whole game putting aside what she needed/wanted to help/please other people and getting treated kind of poorly for it and then dies pregnant and terrified (which as a dad, repeatedly hit me right in the gut)

Then I read a lot of pretty un-nuanced discourse. Mel bad because she called Abby a POS. Yes, she could have directed more anger at Owen (and she eventually did), but it's also worth bearing in mind that Mel does not have the knowledge about Abby's motives and her development as a character that we the player do, and Abby was meant to be her friend.

Mel probably wanted Joel brought to 'justice' for her own reasons. She was Jerry's student and probably pretty close to the man. She was also close with Abby and probably wanted it for her as well. You can see how uncomfortable she is with what actually happens to Joel in her body language, facial expressions and her hesitation to apply the tourniquet (more on this in the link below). She says in the game that Jackson shook her. Violence of that level has a tendency to do that to all involved (Abby is clearly no exception).

On their way to the FOB, Mel extends an olive branch to her friend, who she's avoiding and tries to reconnect. She knows Abby is suffering as well, offers her sleeping pills and tries to share that trauma with Abby. Abby takes that attempt as an attack and responds pretty snidely (have a look back at that scene, they both have amazing actresses behind them and the way Mel kind of crumples emotionally is pretty sad).

Below is a bit of an analysis of this conversation from reddit user BrennanSpeaks

Then Owen and Abby both go AWOL on the same day, Mel loyal to her friends, doesn't give them up, despite Isaac being pretty hard on her according to Nora and goes after Owen, through a dangerous city with only Alice for company. Then she finds Abby there as well, with a couple of seraphite kids (remember the day prior, Abby saying she was A-ok with murdering Seraphite kids), in a place she thought was Owen and hers. With the incomplete information she had, her mind goes in a certain direction - Abby is only helping these kids, to appeal to Owen's gentle side and get back with him. It's a bit of a stretch from the player's perspective, but Mel has every reason to think the worst of Abby.

It's also worth bearing in mind what Nora tells Abby at the hospital. When Abby left the FOB, Isaac interrogated them about where Abby and Owen went, and says that Isaac was particularly rough with Mel and we know that Isaac is a bit of a psycho. Mel didn't give them up. Now she’s left the FOB, and like Abby and Owen, is now a deserter, and the WLF do not take kindly to deserters as we learn. So she’s in an incredibly vulnerable position, she’s not a fighter like Abby, she’s a tiny little heavily pregnant doctor, and she’s kind of at Abby and Owens mercy. Not a comfortable position for her to be in. To top all that of, Owen has been ghosting her for weeks, on Seattle day 1 she mentions he hasn’t even seen their new quarters in the family section and seems genuinely stressed out about this when she asks Abby if she’s talked to him.

But she puts that aside to help Yara (a Scar, who she is meant to hate, but doesn't, as like good boy Owen, she seems a lot less tribal). But all that hurt she's bottling up finally boils over and she directs it at Abby first, a big personality who until now she's seemed reluctant to confront. To her credit, Abby actually takes it on the chin, maybe realising that she had kind of been a shitty friend, despite the fact that she doesn't really deserve to be the entire focus of Mel's ire (she still very much cares for Mel I think and tells Owen to get his priorities straight).

And the whole you've always been a piece of shit thing I'm going to put down to the heat of the moment.

To be clear. Mel has misread the situation, Abby is becoming a better person than Mel knows.

I don't think any of that warrants the dislike she seems to get.

Then there's the No Loose Ends thing. Not her finest hour, but she has just witnessed what awful things people will do in the name of vengeance and does not want that for her, her loved ones and her unborn child.

Again, don't think this means she deserves to be a D or E on all those character tier list things people make.

Then there's the She Was Going To Give Abby Up thing and yeah, she was terrified, didn't want to die and wanted to save herself, the man she loved and their unborn child from the person who was pointing a gun at them. Owen should have let her, it probably wouldn't have helped Ellie find Abby at all.

So basically the more I played the game, the more I thought she was one of the best human beings in it. She wanted to keep her loved ones safe and she wanted to be a mother, but was fearful for what that would look like in the world she lived in.

I also see reflected in her character a lot of someone who is very near and dear to me: She's got a low bullshit tolerance, but is very bad at confrontation so bottles it up. She seems to be one of the most empathetic and kindhearted characters in the game. From her bodily language and mannerisms I always got the impression that she has crippling anxiety and as mentioned before, she always seemed to put other people first. She loves dogs, and kids, and making use of her surgical skills to help people. She's just a wholesome little bean.

I also tend to favour the underdog, so given there are so few Mel Stans in the fandom I thought I might as well be.

Naughty Dog are geniuses.

Apologies if that was an incoherent mess. As always I blame the fact that English isn't my mother tongue.

P.S.

I see a lot of people hating on her for getting in that truck with Manny and Abby. Here's what I say to that. Pay attention to the context and what everyone says. They're not going out to fight Scars, they're travelling along what is deemed a very safe route, to a heavily fortified Forward Operation Base (FOB) where Mel will be working as a surgeon. That FOB has huge walls and hundreds of soldiers. It's a safe place. There are also wounded WLF soldiers pouring in, so it's understandable that Mel, a talented surgeon, is going there. She's literally commuting to work. When they get ambushed, she fights, because she has to.

People have weird hang-ups when it comes to pregnant women. They're allowed to live their lives, do their jobs, contribute, etc. You can't lock someone up and wrap them in cotton wool for nine months, especially when it's the apocalypse and they're a talented surgeon.

P.S.S,

Please enjoy this REALLY good and probably more articulate essay from Brennanspeak:

Long story short, Mel is a very underrated character. We're primed to dislike her in-game because she's practically always an antagonist to our player-character - whether we're playing as Ellie or Abby, Mel's motivations will clash with "ours" in some way, shape, or form. But, her actions were absolutely understandable.

First off, she was Jerry Anderson's student. It's clear that his mentorship meant a lot to her. In some ways, she might have known him better than Abby did, because she related to him as one adult to another. He was her Obi-Wan, and then he was murdered, and she had all the reason in the world to be angry.

She and Abby were very close, once upon a time. She writes a letter to Abby (found in Abby's backpack in "The Park") where she thanks Abby for her help in arranging her mentorship with Jerry. She even suggests they go get drunk together to celebrate. She had reason to want to support Abby's revenge quest.

When it actually happens, it doesn't go like she expected. She doesn't get any catharsis from it. Abby coerces her into participating in torture, which she's never done before and never intended to do. She's so shaken that she can't watch for most of it - she and Owen leave the room. As Manny later points out, she's never hurt anyone like that before, and Abby almost forces her into it.

Because Mel understands just how fucked up their torture of Joel is, she's able to see Ellie with clearer eyes. She realizes that the wolves absolutely are not the heroes, here, and that Ellie, or anyone from Jackson, would have ample reason to want to track them down and make them pay. Abby (and Owen) don't really understand the threat that Ellie poses to them because it never occurs to them that someone would love Joel enough to avenge him. No one mourns the wicked, right? But, Mel couldn't help but see him as human, so she recognizes Ellie (and Tommy) as people who loved him. And, then, the ruthless, survival oriented part of her brain kicks in and she recognizes these "loose ends" for the threat that they are.

When we see her through Abby's eyes, much later, we see the toll that Jackson took on her. Mel's anger towards Abby is simmering but constantly stifled. She doesn't feel confident enough to confront a strong personality like Abby's and tell her that she was wrong. So, she tries to find subtle, non-confrontational ways of expressing how she feels. "I guess Jackson shook me, too." Abby is dealing with her own repressed guilt and doesn't appreciate this mirror being held up to her actions, so she lashes out, and the distance between them grows. Mel is feeling this intense conflict between her ideals as a medic and the actions that she's participated in - or been goaded into. She had lots of reasons to believe the worst of Abby.

Meanwhile, because Girlfriend just can't catch a break, she's in love with (and pregnant with) a guy who just can't love her back. We don't know why Mel and Owen got together, but it probably had something to do with Owen looking for something brighter and more innocent after seeing the growing darkness in Abby. But, he's still in love with Abby, and he can't let that go, even after more than a year with Mel. And now they're pregnant, and Mel is ready to just settle down, establish a family, and maybe move on from violence. But, Owen isn't on board. He ghosts her for weeks, so she can't even plan for what their life together will look like.

And now, suddenly, things are happening. Maybe Mel was "Melissa" and was considering leaving with Ji-Soo, maybe not, but once Owen is AWOL, her priorities shift. She sets off alone, accompanied only by her dog, and follows him deep into hostile territory, finds a way to get to him . . . and finds him post-coital and expecting Abby. Now, she's been betrayed by both the man she loves and the girl who used to be her friend. She had every reason to believe the worst of Abby and to look for a cynical motive in her every action. Abby had treated her like shit, so it was totally reasonable for her to see Abby as a piece of shit.

The real tragedy of Mel is her last moments. Owen uses their relationship to try to pressure her into risking her life on a suicide mission to the island. She puts her foot down and finally stands up for herself, at which point he promptly dumps her, telling her to "go back," as if she could just waltz back into the FOB after going AWOL for him. A moment later, Ellie confronts her - a living reminder of the worst thing she's ever done. She wants to bargain with her - to give up Abby, the toxic influence on her life, in exchange for just survival and escape for her and her baby, but she's thwarted by Owen. In the end, he'd rather put her and their child in mortal peril than risk any harm befalling Abby, no matter how unlikely it is that Ellie could have found her. Owen escalates things and gets himself shot and Mel, trying to defend or avenge him, dies too.

tl;dr: Mel gets screwed over more than any other character in the franchise. Meanwhile, she shows more moral fiber than most, but she's ultimately punished for doing what she needed to do from the start: standing up to the people in her life when they try to control her.

This concludes my TED talk; subscribe to my fanfic for more.

#The Last of Us #The Last of Us Part II #tlou2 #tlou #mel #mel j #abby anderson #abby #the last of us 2 #why I'm a Mel Stan #Kind of a rant #Love you naughty dog #Neil if you're reading this I want Mel to survive in the directors cut or I'll be steaming mad

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yazthebookish · 3 years

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hi yaz! whats your full opinion on nesta? ✨

Hi anon!

My full opinion? Oh boy

I didn't like Nesta from the start. I just couldn't overlook her cruelty towards Feyre who I resonated with a lot. On my second reread especially by ACOWAR, I still wasn't a big fan of Nesta but I could see why many fans liked her and I felt there was more to her.

After ACOSF, I love her. I did not expect to relate this much to her, especially with what I went through in my personal life the last three years. I just felt so much self-loath for myself, and in a way lashed out at others and pushed them away. There were scenes especially the lake scene where I cried a lot. I found ACOSF to be an emotional journey for me despite its faults, the experience made me give it a full five stars. I connected with Nesta at a level I never done so before.

It also made me realize that there were things about her as a character that I missed, because I just found her to be simply cruel and didn't bother to look much deeper. While I'm not saying her cruelty should be erased and her past actions should be excused, you don't have to excuse the actions of a deeply wounded person everytime especially if their actions constantly cause pain to others. Just seeing her overcome that self-loath hit me hard because this is something I struggled with. I know how it feels when you lash out at others in an attempt to push them away because you think you deserve it.

It's been a long and winding road with Nest, but I love her ❤️

#acosf #acosf spoilers #nesta archeron #asks

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adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy · 3 years

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Idk if I've already shared this w you but just in case I didn't

I can't reread ch11. I took my sweet time reading it the first time knowing there'd be a chance it would hit too close to home. Idk if you meant for it all to be that way, but vampire!H allowing himself to be happy even though he thinks he doesn't deserve it and knowing it won't work out in the long run but fuck it, he deserves to have some form of happiness in his life and she makes him happy and he seems to make her happy so he allowed himself to be happy even though he knows it's not gonna end up perfectly... Being in therapy for a year and suffering from a lot of things 2 years prior to that and having worked on myself for 2 years now, letting yourself feel whatever good things you're feeling and are happening around you is the most insufferable and difficult and annoying and insane parts of recovery. And you wrote it so beautifully and precisely that it hurts. It hurts because for the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn't let myself accept the good things life has to offer. And then you two come along and create a character that is basically me and I can see myself in him and then I read that he's trying to be better, trying to let himself feel good, despite his brain telling him he's not worthy.

He's a supernatural creature with decades of trauma. I get that he can't be an exactly accurate representation of my journey. But he is. Again, idk if you had mental health and recovery in mind when you created his character in the first place. In case you didn't, I need you both to know that your story is touching people in ways you can't even comprehend and ch11 felt like being wrapped in the most comfortable blankie sipping a warm cup of coffee, looking out the window and smelling and feeling the first drops of rain. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

(Please make sure leyla reads this as well)

Wow I’m truly so speechless, thank you so much!! Ch11 definitely gets a bit more into a lot of Harry’s issues, where they stem from, and how he deals with them now, which is definitely an emotional journey because the story is starting to unpack all of his problems on a deeper level now that he’s allowed himself to become vulnerable.

The book is obviously fiction and it’s based off fantasy with the monsters and all, but I feel like every good story needs to have a bit of truth in it to be impactful and meaningful, and I think that’s very well what Leyla and I intended for Harry’s character. I personally think it’s really important for novels to address mental health, because realistic characters just can’t be cookie-cutter perfect, since no person ever is. The fic has been pretty humorous thus far, with a few serious moments here and there that gave a peek into all of Harry’s inner turmoil with himself, and as the story will progress, you guys will see all of his baggage be unpacked and all of his battles laid out bare, which will include a lot of psychological things like depression, anxiety, guilt, self-loathing, trust and abandonment issues, emotional manipulation, etc (which will all have adequate warnings beforehand, don’t worry!!). It’s a made up person in a made up world, but he has his own versions of the problems a lot of real people deal with every day, and it’s good to have them represented and addressed so others know they’re not alone, that their struggles are valid, and that recovery is possible! It’s what gives him substance and makes him relatable!!

I’m really happy those specific parts of the fic resonated with you, it means we’re doing something right. Thank you for sharing your views on it and for letting us know that we made you feel seen in any way. It’s all we could hope for 🥺

#ysijwa!ask

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billy-the-bard · 4 years

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Day Seven of Shakespeare Appreciation Week 2020 (organised by @harry-leroy) is Production Day:

"Twelfth Night"

(The National Theatre, UK, 2017.)

Well, buckle up, my fellow Bardophiles, cause I have *a lot* of feelings about this one!

Yes, there will be *spoilers* for both the play in general and this production in particular.

I do recommend that you look up a synopsis of the play if you're not familiar with it.

The National Theatre's production of "Twelfth Night" from 2017 is one of the very best (perhaps even *the* best) productions of Shakespeare I've seen. It's beautiful, funny, heartbreaking and deeply moving.

I had never seen the play before this production and didn't really know anything about it, apart from there being a woman named Viola who disguises herself as a man, under the name Cesario (and I only knew that because of the guinea-pig of my favourite historical costume YouTuber, Bernadette Banner...).

The opening monologue - "If music be the food of love, play on" - is delivered with such enthusiasm, emotion and heart by Oliver Chris as Count Orsino.

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Can we also just take a moment to appreciate the music in this production?? It's haunting and beautiful. "Come Away, Death", anyone?

This production owns my heart, especially Oliver Chris as Orsino, he could SO easily have been just a bland, self-pitying simp who lays about all day listening to depressing love-songs and sighing dramatically, but instead we get this enthusiastic, athletic, passionate and emotional man who's convinced he's in love with Olivia but is also deeply confused by the deep feelings he's developed for his new servant, Cesario.

Tamara Lawrance is really good as Viola/Cesario and her dynamic with Oliver Chris's Orsino is A+. The two of them dancing around their powerful mutual attraction is both amusing and moving. Here you clearly have two people who have fallen hard for each other, but Orsino equally clearly can't acknowledge these feelings to himself. (An example of why having it set in the 1960s works, it wouldn't have been socially, never mind legally, acceptable for them to have an openly gay relationship at that point in time.)

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Here Viola/Cesario sums up the love triangle of Orsino-Viola/Cesario-Olivia:

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A wonderful twist this production has done is to genderbend three characters; Malvolio is now Malvolia, Feste the fool is now a woman, and the servant Fabian is now Fabia.

Now, I imagine that in most productions, Malvolio is mainly a person who has ambitions "above his station", someone who has reached as far as he can go within his own social class and sees the only way upward to be the marriage to Countess Olivia. Thus, when he's being tricked by some of the members of Olivia's household into thinking she's in love with him, it's merely the deflating of a pompous ass.

However, by genderbending Malvolio to Malvolia (and setting the production somewhere in the 1960s) there is an added, much deeper and more heartbreaking element of Malvolia being gay and thinking she's actually found love and a chance for happiness in a romantic couple, something she likely didn't think would ever happen.

She's no longer just the pompous ass who needs to be taken down a peg or two, she's not someone who (technically) has several other opportunities to find a socially acceptable relationship, she's someone who's never dared hope her love would be requited, someone who, when she finds the letter that's supposedly from Olivia, finally dares hope she might actually have a "happily ever after".

This makes what happens to her all the more heartbreaking; Olivia thinking Malvolia mad when, having followed the instructions in the letter to dress and behave in ways that (it turns out) Olivia would find deeply offensive,

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Olivia thinks her mad and has her sent away to be subsequently tortured and mocked by the very people who wrote the letter in the first place. It's truly, truly heartbreaking.

Tamsin Greig plays Malvolia with a perfect balance of comic pomposity and deep, raw emotion. A tour de force.

There are sooooo many more things I could talk about (if you don't know the play this part of my post may make very little sense...):

I could talk about how Antonio is shown to actually be in love with Sebastian, they even get a kiss. I could talk about Olivia actually looking heartbroken when she finds out she's accidentally married Sebastian instead of Cesario. I could talk about how good the actors playing Sir Toby Belch and Sir Andrew Agucheek are. I could talk about the fact that there's a scene set in a gay nightclub where a drag queen sings a version of Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy, for some inexplicable reason. I could talk about the costumes that are a mix of timelessly stylish with a retro vibe and beautifully tailored, and the fact that Olivia and her maids are wearing sunglasses as "veils".

I could also talk about this glorious reaction from Oliver Chris's Orsino as he finds out Cesario is actually a woman, Viola:

(GIFs by the talented @kitmarlowe)

Look at this adorable dork!

I could talk about this production until long after the cows come home, it really resonated with me on so many levels.

I sincerely hope they bring it out on DVD at some point in the future!

#theplaysthething2020 #harry-leroy #twelfth night #the national theatre #oliver chris #tamara lawrance #tamsin greig #video #text

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icharchivist · 5 years

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Lavi anon: whoa thanks so much for the epic long reply. I love everything about it! Some stuff definitely caused me to think new things (so much I won't remember everything). 1st thing, The way I've always interpreted Roads Nightmare was that she accessed Lavi's dreams and let Lavi become his worst enemy letting all his fears fight back. Road meanwhile played a passive role by hiding in Allen. Afterall she didn't control bookmanJr. That was Lavi warring against his own mind. BookmanJr stuck-

2 around even after Lavi had stabbed Road. BookmanJr in my opinion was the one controlling the dream (thanks to Road, in return she controlled the body) trying to punish the part of him going astray. But BookmanJr (like you said) accepted Lavi and him were the same person when BJr heard Allen’s calls and tried to sacrifice himself to save his friend. But that’s my interpretation of Lavi’s worst fears and how even BJr couldn’t distort how Lavi sees Allen (you know it never occured to me how -

3 messed up it must have been for Lavi to stab dream Allen. Road could have been bias, but you’re right in that she could have seen how unchanged Allen was compared to the other’s and assumed Lavi would have treated dream Allen differently).

(cutting it one mins again) first thank you for the nice word

Second, actually you’re right. I gave Road maybe a little too much credit on how much she manipulated the situation but considering the final manologue of how “Lavi” convinces “Bookman JR” you’re completely right: it was indeed more his internal self talking.

I do think Road nudged a few things around. But it does lessen how much of her impact it was. And it says a lot about Lavi that this is how his fears manifests itself. How for everyone else in teh order it’s how much they’d judge him for him thinking of them like that, and all and so forth, but for Allen, what breaks him, is just how much of his emotional attachement to Allen was something his “duty self” had to reject and the fear of that one loss broke Lavi.

But therefore if it’s really just Lavi’s fears coming out, Road probably only went into Allen because after seeing Lavi’s fears he knew she would be safer there. Like… if Road had all controle over the dreams and how she nudged it, she wouldn’t have just have let her Bias for Allen put her in a vulnerable situation. If we go with your interpretation (which the more i think about it, the more i think it’s accurate) it means Road saw the way Lavi wouldn’t even get to hurt Allen in those fears. And you have also a point: considering how the nightmare evolved, i think perhaps the fears showed themselves by layers. And considering in the first layers, the first nightmares, Allen didn’t appear, Road probably put one and one together knowing that Allen would dig deeper into Lavi’s fears and consciousness. And now i’m sad.

It also says a lot about how much Lavi’s duty is challenged by Allen that it became the One “Ink” worth taking out. Worth killing by his duty self. Like in those fears it also acknowledge how this affection for Allen is the biggest risk against his duty. Guuuh it’s making me even sadder but that makes sense considering how it’s his grief about Allen that got called out by Bookman. (I think it’s a question of bad timing, but Bookman beat Lavi up with how he doesn’t need a heart over Allen’s loss, when Lenalee is crying for him - when Lenalee almost dies, there is no real time to lecture Lavi over his duty. Sure Lavi was still thinking about it,the whole thing was started in his mind, but Bookman didn’t act on it again due to the others stuff that kept happening. So even if this affection extended to Lenalee it was Allen who was the catalyst and therefore “the risk” in his nightmare. Funny enough considering Lenalee’s involvement in his nightmare were that her helplessness and how Lavi wanted to help her could be his downfall (but it wasn’t)- that echo how he was seeing the Lenalee’s situation on the boat. while Allen’s situation is fully on loss and it breaks him. Man. That hurts once put into that perspective.

Oh man Lavi’s right. No matter how much darkness ensnares Allen he’s such a creature of the light. Even kids see it better then adults. Timothy adores Allen. That girl Allen rescued in the Alma Arc thought his star was lucky. Another girl mistook Allen for-4 angel. It gets deeper when you realize a part of Lavi stopped emotionally/mentally aging when he became bookman jr and is the one who identifies Allen as dazzling Light. Even Kanda is getting in on being mesmerized by Allen’s white light image going by his expression from the last chap (Kanda’s 9 so…). I feel like Lavi’s observation was both a foreshadowing and resigned fear of losing Allen. Allen’s probably the best thing he’s ever recorded but he knows the natural state of the universe-5 is darkness with light only coming from sources. Humanity’s biggest light right now for Lavi is Allen. But even stars go out and Lavi probably wonders how long will Allen’s light shine for others until Allen himself goes out. I agree. Lavi is defintely overprotective at times. He freaked over Lenalee several times and during the Ark ark Allen was his main concern. Always staying close and getting jumpy when Noah attacked him. I’ll stop for now but I do love how Allen affected Lavi. X)

Nonny i love u and yes this is perfect.

And tbh you have a point with especially resonating with children (although low blow for Kanda. Completely true and deserved and needed low blow but still). but it’s true that when “Lavi” gets to hear Allen’s voice and reason for a last time with his Bookman self against Road, his Bookman self turns back to a child. I think it meant a lot of having to face the values that had him start to be a Bookman to begin with. it’s apparently a decision Lavi took when he was 6 after all, before humanity made him numb to the “elder self” level. I think getting back to his Child self was a way to face back what were his original intentions by becoming a Bookman, trying to reconnect with that after years of losing yourself to cynism. But indeed it does create also an ongoing thing with younger people being carried away by Allen’s light in general and feeling hope in it.

But yes agreed, Lavi’s mention was really both foreshadowing and resigned fear of losing Allen. I think Lavi knows at this point, from almost losing Allen that it is something that will happen.

tbh even if we know Allen was “lost to his darkness” with Nea coming out, for Lavi, litterally, Allen “died” trying to save Suman after all.

OKAY SO WAIT so as i was answering that i rewent to from chapter 55 to Allen’s death to notice what I wanted to say so:

Timcanpy leaves VERY LATe the Tyki VS Allen showdown, and we know he recorded everything, so this is how much he saw. But here’s what happened:

Tyki killed Suman, making him explode from the butterflies. Allen was seriously injuried from the fight, right, and had to process all of that. Tyki eventually realizing who it was, started to show off his power: said Tease was only a weapon and he showed Allen how he could kill him, by tearing his heart out (so the whole scene of Tyki getting through Allen, litterally, and threatening to take his warm heart out, was reccorded by Timcanpy). THEN, Tyki destroys Allen’s innocence, STILL IN FRONT OF TIMCANPY (so that was reccorded). He also checks his hitman card to make sure and confirms that Allen is on his “to kill” list. But most importantly:The reason Tim left was that, while Tyki destroyed Allen’s innocence first, then headed to Suman’s, specifically talking about how he was looking to destroy the Heart. Allen knew at that point that he was on Tyki’s hit list. At this point, his innocence had already been destroyed, he saw Tyki’s destructive powers, and was too weak to try to fight back anyway.And what does Allen do? He asks Timcanpy to take Suman’s innocence and bring it back to the boat. Allen’s last action was to protect the innocence one last time. That’s what was recorded.

And also something I’ve never noticed until i looked for it but you know who is the first character we focus back on when Tyki is “killing” Allen? When Timcanpy leaves? Who is the first character from the boat we see again?

this is what serves as a transition from Timcanpy leaving Allen’s side to warn people on the boat, right before Allen gets killed. It’s Lavi who starts this “transition”.

also this is right before they find Tim and I might need to scream at this reaction. Before being sure he died, he clentches his teeth remembering him and his kindness toward Suman before trying to believe that they will find them. He actually went througha bit of denial there g o d. I completely forgot. (also not helping the “memory effect” looks like it is fading away, a bit like light)

the point I wanted to make when i checked those out tho is that: Allen died “for the light” in a way. He died trying to protect, to save, and he spent his last minutes protecting the Innocence. In a way I can see why Lavi fears the Light swallowing allen more than the darkness: because to him, he saw Allen’s kindness taking him away. That Light that everyone sees in Allen, it had taken him away.

Allen is a star, a light that is shining through and you’re entierely right: even those lights are doomed to fade away. And Lavi is aware of that, if only because it happened once. But he cannot hold hope for Allen even if he cares for this life. But ye at this point Allen is probably the best thing Lavi saw in his life and it hurts to think about how he might lose it at any moment like he already did.

And you’re right he does get overprotective, especially toward Lenalee and Allen. It still kills me that during the whole ark’s arc, while he remains mostly quiet, he spends most of his time stuck to Allen. It’s like,, dude,,, com’on,, you’re so scared to lose him again and you don’t even realize. He even felt for Allen when the Jasdebi were being vicious with him.

Man Lavi you care so much u fool.

Everything about Lavi breaks my heart.

Take care!

#ichafantalks dgm #ichameta dgm #those are the lavi loving hours in this house #anonymous #ichareply #dgm meta

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