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dinner-djarin · 3 years

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Next To You (Bucky x reader)

Just a little one shot I wrote after watching FATWS on repeat. (I tried to make it gender neutral but I may have missed something so I'm sorry if it's not!)

Rating: Mature

No use of Y/N

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: Bucky is having nightmares, and you're there to comfort him. Based on the Julia Michaels song If You Need Me. (so if the ending sounds dumb go listen to the song you'll understand why lol)

Warnings: Fluff & angst I guess idk, kinda dark themes, because well it's Bucky. Just two people who have definitely been through some shit. Oh ya that reminds me swearing. Suggested that intercourse has happened but nothing descriptive. A little (a lot) about trauma but mostly about nightmares. If I missed something pls lemme know, I don't want anyone to feel triggered reading. But if you can watch the show and be fine, you'll probably be okay with this.

Also just letting you know if I put ~ its cause I switch the focus from Bucky to reader, but I'm not switching POV completely its all written in reader POV.

Every night brought pieces of the past. He never knew which memory would be dragged to the surface once he let his subconscious take over - clawing and scrapping against the walls he put up, begging to be let out; to be confronted.

Some nights were worse than others of course.

He wasn’t sure how he was ever going to out run the monsters of his past. For a while he just stopped sleeping. It may not have been a permanent fix, but he thought some relief was better than none at all. He used to go days, even weeks, without sleep during the war, so he figured it might be the best way to silence the past.

Dr. Raynor, however, caught on quick.

A lot of her methods seemed like bullshit to Bucky. He could tell she was genuinely trying to help him, but he doubted anything she had anything to offer him that would prove to be effective.

But at the end of the day she was definitely no fool. He had a tough time lying to her. She didn’t take anyone's crap, and that might have been the only reason he trusted her, even a little. It may have been the only reason he actually gave it a sincere try (besides the fact he’d be arrested if he didn’t).

So he probably shouldn’t have been surprised when she caught on to his sleep strike. In fact she called him out on it only three days in. He thought he’d get longer than that. Even so, he was almost relieved. After only 72 hours he already felt the nightmares slowly creeping into the day. Every time a door slammed or a car horn blared his body tensed. Every time he turned a corner he’d reach for a knife he no longer carried. So maybe it was better to let his past haunt his nightmares. That way he’d be alone when the memories took over. That way he wouldn’t hurt anyone else.

But he made a mistake. He did what he told himself he could never do. He let you get too close.

Falling asleep in your arms felt better than any therapy session he could ever imagine. It was the first time in forever he could remember what it was like to be his younger self. The version of him that marvelled at the idea of flying cars; who thought he could save the world by enlisting. The dreamy eyed boy who was hopeful for the future, who thought he had a future.

Lying next to you made him feel in control, like his problems didn’t matter. He was there to keep you safe, and warm, and comfortable. He never thought he’d feel like that with anyone. He didn’t think he was allowed.

You didn’t question his metal arm for starters. When Bucky took off his jacket, after the hundredth time you insisted - “It’s like 100 degrees in here Bucky, please take it off, you’re gonna melt” - he thought he’d instantly regret it. But you simply looked at it with wonder for only a moment, before returning your eyes up to his own. Staring back at you, he saw the wheels in your brain click into place. He could almost hear your thoughts as you decided what your next move would be.

In the blink of his eyes you tore your shirt off and stood completely still in front of him. For a moment his emotions were mixed, and he worried where your sudden advancement came from, but then he saw it. A thick white mark slashed across your torso.

You took only one step forward before speaking. “It’s not exactly… I know it’s not the same thing at all. But the scars - the marks we carry - they’ll be with us forever, whether we like it or not. Even if they remind us of the worst pieces of ourselves, or the worst moments of our lives, it reminds us that we can move forward. And it reminds me that there’s something to move forward to. I don’t know…it doesn’t really make any sense but somehow it’s almost comforting. To know that something will always be with us, till the end”

His mouth was on yours in an instant.

He had been hesitant to let anyone in. After coming back - after going through everything he’d been through - he felt like damaged goods. He worried that the minute he let himself be happy, everything would come crashing down again, and he had good reason to believe it. It just kept happening over and over. It seemed like every time he found even a small amount of peace, the battle made its way back to him.

But when he found you, when he felt you, he felt peace. The softness of your skin, the gentle wave of your hair, the light scrape of your fingernails against his back and chest, your quiet moans muffled by his own mouth on yours. Being with you made the horrors of his past melt away. Even when you clamped down around him and bit into his shoulder muscle, even when he knew you’d left marks all over his skin. Knowing they came from you made all the difference. They didn’t remind him of the wars he fought, or lives he took, or the atrocities he committed. The sting of your nails and teeth weren’t pains from his past, they were reminders of his present, of the possibility of a life he could have. With you.

But in the end he knew that it was all wishful thinking. He knew he wasn’t cut out for that type of future. He knew you deserved better.

So he decided to let you off easy, to disappear from your life, leaving your shared experience to the confines of your bedroom. A memory, nothing more. He knew he’d have to sneak away once you fell asleep, because that way it might not feel real. Everything that happened between you might disappear with him.

But then he fucked up.

He was waiting for your breath to even out, a sign he would take to mean you had fallen asleep, but after listening to the air rush out of your body, and watching your bare chest rise and fall, your hypnotic essence overpowered his will, and he fell asleep alongside you.

Only he wasn’t asleep for long.

Eventually the past caught up, as it always had a way of doing. Images, and sounds, and smells all came flooding back to his uninhibited brain - sleep made him an easy target. He was vulnerable to every torment he caused, and every mission he was forced to carry out. Tonight was no exception. His brain managed to sift through every wall he thought he had up, and trudge yet another painful memory to the surface. The image of himself taking life after life, cruelly and viciously. There was no remorse, no stopping him. He saw every crime lord and politician he was made to terminate. Until his brain moved away to a new idea. The image of a young woman. Innocent and pure. But in the way of his mission. The Winter Soldier spared none.

He woke up in a blind panic. His surroundings were unfamiliar. Something was wrong. Was he being held captive or-

“Hey,” you made yourself known to him, and he twisted his head back to see you sit up beside him. You were quiet, and a worried expression blanketed your face.

Is he angry, you thought for a moment? No. Your brain was tired, and it was slow to process. Not angry, scared.

You knew from the minute you saw his arm that there was more going on. You already had some suspicions, nevertheless you expected there to be something like this.

For a moment, the two of you stared at each other in silence. You watched him regain his breath, and you carefully shifted your legs to sit crossed underneath you.

His steel blue eyes cut through the darkness, pinning you down. You wondered what was going on in his mind, what he might be doing to regain his grip on reality. You knew this moment too well. The quiet. The darkness. The fear. Not sure of how to move forward.

You were scared too, but not of him - more like you were scared for him. You knew he must be going through something, and you wanted to be there to help, but you also knew that was easier said than done. “Being there to help” was a nice concept, but in reality - well things were generally more complicated. You didn’t know if it’d be alright to approach him, mainly because you were unsure of your role in all this. Were you really someone he wanted around when he was so obviously vulnerable? You’d never seen him so raw and exposed, like a wound you wished you could tend to, while also fearing that your interference could make things worse.

You knew he wasn’t going to ask for your help, you could see he wasn’t that kind of man, but maybe if you made the first step, and let him choose - maybe he’d let you in. So, you held out your hand and waited. After a moment, you saw him move, only slightly though. His eyes darted down towards your hand and he subtly lifted his fingers off the bed. But it only lasted a second. He froze again, hand hovering near yours, and that’s when you realized he had been reaching for you with his left hand. You had been wary to touch it before, you thought it was probably a sensitive subject. Something about the idea of touching his metal arm seemed more personal, if that was possible. Like only the most trusted people in his life might be allowed to… and maybe not even then.

You felt your own eyes drop to your lap, an almost nervous energy now emanating in the space between you. But just before you could drop your hand too, his fingers hesitantly entwine with yours.

You shot your eyes up to see his right hand grazing the palm of your left. As your gaze slowly elevated, you found your way to meet his own eyes, only to notice the very sudden change in them. Whatever fear or darkness hid their before had now melted away. You couldn’t place it, but whatever emotion he now held sent a chill from your core to your fingertips. A lump in your throat formed and for a moment, you thought you might never be able to breath again. The look in his eyes was almost soft, but with a hint of yearning. Fire was blazing through every nerve in your body, while a chill kissed your skin, making every hair stand on edge.

Feeling outrageously brave, you took your free hand up to his jaw and held him there, gently swiping your thumb over his cheek, and allowing your fingers to reach slightly past his hairline and to the back of his neck. You wondered if he could feel the raging storm of your emotions through your touch.

“You okay?” you managed to whisper to him.

“Nothing I haven’t dealt with before” his answer pierced your ears with a hard tone, refusing to let any vulnerability resonate in his voice.

You shake your head at him, wishing he wouldn’t play pretend. “Okay then,” you mumble, letting your hand drop from his face. But as it fell, Bucky was quick to grab it, and hold it with a gentle squeeze. When you looked at him again, you knew he meant it as a reassurance, trying to tell you that he was okay.

He couldn’t handle the way you looked at him. Like you could see every thought in his head. A knowing gleam in your eyes told him that you didn’t believe him, and you’d be right not to. He wasn’t okay. He never really was. There was so much darkness surrounding him, poisoning every inch of his life. But you. Your touch was gentle and your voice was kind, and even though he had just seen your scar, he couldn’t help but think your world must have been so much brighter than his own. Looking in your eyes, he almost wished he’d never met you. He was so afraid that his pain might infect you too, the only good thing he had left. He wouldn’t ever be able to forgive himself if he let that happen; if he let his past ruin your future.

He wanted to leave, he needed to get out, before any of that could happen.

He slid off the bed quickly, and made his way to grab his clothes, but before he could you grabbed his hand - his left hand.

“Please Bucky don’t.” was all you could say. But the way your voice broke, on the verge of tears, fear of being rejected, of being left alone in the dark by the only man you ever wanted to let in - it was enough to stop his heart. He stood there, frozen from your touch. You kept his hand in yours, and for a second you worried it was too much. You worried you betrayed whatever trust you had built with him. Just holding his bare metal hand felt more violating and revealing than the fact that both of you remained completely naked. But you didn’t want to pull away. You didn’t want him to think you were afraid of him, afraid of the fact his hand could pulverize yours in a second - because you weren’t. You’d felt his touch. You knew how gentle and caring he could be. And you wanted him to see it too. That he wasn’t defined by his worst fears.

You pulled your body towards him, kneeling at the edge and facing him, “You don’t have to leave.” you spoke softly, as if he might be spooked and run off if you were any louder. “You don’t have to push everyone away. Please don’t push me away… I-”

Before you could finish, he was crashing into you. His tongue invading your mouth, like he was trying to soak up your unsaid words. His hands held your waist in place against his, steady and strong, but there was still resistance in his fingers; a hesitance to use too much force with you. You could feel how he feared he might hurt you.

Slowly you leaned back, feathering your fingers over his shoulders to guide him with you, and when he hovered over you, you let them slide into his hair, grabbing what you could and leading his head down…

~~~~

You lay there in the dark with your head on his chest, listening to his steady heart, feeling the crisp sting of metal graze your back. And even though you knew it was ridiculous, all you could think about was how you wanted to keep him safe. The man was stronger than any other human being, and probably thought you were fragile and helpless, and needed his protection more than anything. But still, you wanted him to be okay. You wanted him to know he could be safe.

“I’ll fight them for you.” you whimper quietly, suddenly worried that Bucky may have already fallen back to sleep.

“Huh? Who- what do you mean?” his words stuttered and tripped over his tongue. His half sleeping brain was suddenly running a mile a minute trying to decipher your statement. Who were you fighting? Why would you need to fight them for him? Surely he was more capable of fighting anyone off. He should be protecting you-

“The monsters” you said a little louder. The words feel childish and awkward in your mouth, and once you said them, you wished to take them back. But you decided to push forward, “if you want me to… if you need me… I’m here”

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x you #bucky barns x reader #bucky x you #bucky x reader #fatws bucky #fatws #the falcon and the winter solider spoilers #tfatws #fanfic #post snap #marvel

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willddheartt · 5 years

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You’re Safe With Me (part 4)

Pairing: Carl x OC

Warnings: None? Maybe Angst? idk

Part 5 Series Masterlist

As I was walking back to find Carl, I saw people jumping the walls. Once they were over the walls they grabbed the nearest person and either sliced their side open or slit their throat. Terrified I jumped in the nearest bush, and after realizing that there were more people coming over the walls and that they probably wouldn't stop killing until we were all dead, I began making my way from bush to bush back to the house.

Each time I moved to a new bush I’d wait a minute before moving again just in case one of those guys saw me. I saw multiple people being slashed and even stabbed. I was scared that one of them had already got Carl and that when I got back to the house there wouldn't be anything but a body and pool of blood left. Finally, I was right across the street from the house. I was just about to run across the street and open the door when one of the men grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into them. I screamed before he put a knife up to my throat, my breathing was shallow and quick, I didn't try to get away I didn't even try to move even though I had rolled my ankle when the man grabbed me. Carl ran out of the house pointing a gun at the man when he lowered the knife slightly after seeing Carl I elbowed him, the best I could but it was still enough to make him back of enough that I could slip out of his hold. Carl shot him in the leg and the man fell to the ground and began begging for his life.

“Please don’t kill me.” He begged over and over, “I wasn't going to kill you.” He said Carl pointed the gun at his head and with one final squeeze of the trigger the man was gone. We ran back into the house where we were presumably safe.

“Are you okay? Did he get you?” Carl asked after locking the door behind himself “No I'm fine,” I said “Thank god.” He sighed in relief “Now help me protect Judith, she's upstairs and I'm not letting anyone get into his house.” He said taking a spot on the floor facing the front door. I followed suit only I sat facing the back door, with my back pressed against his. -

Soon things quieted down outside, it seemed the last of those people had been killed by our people. Maggie came by to make sure we were okay, before helping clean up the town. Judith started crying, I ran upstairs to quiet her down. After I picked her up out of the playpen she yawned and put her arms around my neck, setting her head on my shoulder, I gently rocked her back to sleep. By the time Carl came up she was fast asleep and I put her back in her bed.

“You’re good with her.” He said leaning against the door frame.” “So are you.” I turned to him after putting her down “You uh have something there.” Carl pointed to me and I could see his eyes were fixed on my side. I looked down and the blue shirt had a darkened spot on it. I picked the shirt up finding the man who grabbed me, did, in fact, get me. The good thing was it wasn't a deep cut, the bad part was it was still gonna need stitches. “Do we have a first aid kit?” I asked, Carl nodded and I followed him into the bathroom.

“Let me clean it.” He said as I sat on the counter, I lifted the side of my shirt up “The shirt blocks your light.” I noticed as I looked and the shadow was right on where the cut was. “It's fine.” Carl insisted. “Not really, I mean I'm the one whos gonna feel the pain if you hit somewhere, where you shouldn't,” I argued “Fine, Take it off.” He said as he readied the supplies. I brought my shirt over my head and soaked it in the sink in attempts to get the blood out before it stained.

“You’re gonna need stitches,” Carl said as he began cleaning the dried up blood on my skin. “You know how to stitch?” I asked “Kind of why?” “I'm pretty sure the doctor will be busy with other people who have worse cuts and injuries,” I said, “I think you should go to her though, I’m pretty sure she’d do a better job than me.”

Carl started to clean the actual wound now, he poured peroxide and alcohol in the cut. I tried to convince him it didn't need the alcohol but he insisted and wouldn't take no as an answer. after he poured it in the cut, I almost screamed, but after the first initial shot of pain I clenched my jaw so tight I'm surprised I didn't crack my teeth. Just as I thought it was over he poured more on.

“Okay, that's enough of that,” I said taking the bottle. “Now we need floss, a needle, and a mirror,” I said standing up. Within a few minutes, Carl came back with a needle and floss. I threaded the needle with the floss and tried to mentally prepare myself for the pain I was gonna put myself through.

“This is gonna hurt like a bitch.” I sighed “I-I can do it.” Carl offered “No, its okay, I just need you to hold the mirror.” I said, “And I need moral support.” I chuckled

Once I pushed the needle through for the first stitch I realized I couldn't stitch myself. “Yeah, no here you do it,” I said taking the mirror from carl and handing him the needle. A few minutes later and I was all stitched up with a bandage wrapped around my waist so it doesn't get infected.

“You good?” Carl asked as I moved carefully “Yeah.” I nodded “No really this time?” He asked again “Amazing, I promise.” I placed a hand on his shoulder. Then it hit me, this whole time I had been in only my bra and jeans. “Oh, um, I should go get a shirt on,” I said as a blush fell upon my cheeks. I tried to push past Carl so I could get to my room and grab a shirt but he blocked the door.

“What?” I asked dropping my shoulders “Why didn't you tell me you had been cut?” He asked “It didn't feel that bad.” I shrugged “Really?” He snapped “What? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? There were bigger problems at the time than a little cut.” I snapped back “What if it had been worse and you would have bled out?” Carl said “I would have told you if it was bad. But it wasn't!” “It could have been!” He yelled “Well, I’m sorry I saw bigger problems at the moment!” now we were both yelling.

“Why are you yelling at me? you know I can handle myself.” I snapped “Because I don't want to lose you!” He yelled I stood in front of him not knowing what to say. “I-I can't lose you. Alright, Ashley.” He sighed, this was the first time in years he had called me by my full name. “But you didn't lose me, I'm still here. I'm right here.” I said softly “But I could have.” “But you didn't, I’m fine,” I said hugging him. I felt his arms wrap around my bare back and it almost made me lean into him more.

“You’ll never lose me.” I said barely above a whisper “Like you said, I'm safe with you.” I smiled Before pulling away Carl kissed my shoulder and moved his hands to my waist, his thumbs rubbing circles on my exposed skin. I leaned up to kiss him. Immediately Carl turned us around and backed me into the door. I twirled my fingers through his hair. Carl bit my lip lightly, but it was still enough to leave a slight mark, “That's for leaving me earlier.” He smirked. “Really though, my lip?” I sighed You shouldn't have left me earlier.” He shrugged, before kissing my neck softly and leaving me the same as I did to him. “Fine were even,” I yelled downstairs as I went to grab a shirt from my room,

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