im gonna go off on one in the tags pls enjoy

Held Back - Harry Hook x Ben’s sibling! Reader - Part 1

Note; before we start, “reader” is non-binary but since I've always imagined Auradon is pretty… old-fashioned and close-minded, they really don’t realize they are NB but know they don’t like being referred to as a “girl” or a “female”. Also, I know “realistically” Adam and Belle wouldn’t neglect their 2nd kid for the first n shit but it’s called a plot point and they are like that for a reason.

Tried to not use “readers” pronouns at all until we get to the good shit where they are like “oh, that’s what that is?”

Also, this will be a 2-part story, the 1st takes place in D2, while the 2nd will take place after D2 and into D3 :3

OH, slight smut in this fic….yeah…it doesn’t get detailed-detailed, but it gets…heated…yeah…if you don’t like even reading this that hint at sex then I’ll put warnings at the beginning and end of those scenes :3 otherwise this is a pretty “safe” fic

Enjoy~

=

Being the daughter, and the 2nd child, to Beast and Belle, wasn’t…what everyone assumed it was. Everyone expected that since you were their 2nd kid, one that wasn't in line for the throne, that you could do anything, get away with anything. That you could just shrug and say ‘oops’ and all would be forgiven. But it wasn’t. It was constant rules and upkeep, never able to run free and scrape your knee when you fell off the tree you had climbed, never able to just scream as you ran along the shoreline, soaking the seawater into your clothes.

Always sit up straight, never cross your legs, never run, never frown, never sneer, don’t talk back, don’t yell, just sit there and -

Be perfect

For the early years of your life, you had loved Ben. Ben your 5-minute older twin brother, Ben who always cared about you, Ben who hid the vase you had broken when you were chasing him through the castle halls when told not to.

Ben; who had refused to let you be pushed aside.

But resentment grew when your parents would always favor him, always praise him; for the bare minimum.

If he got a B in his project? Amazing! Take him out for ice cream.

You? Getting a B+? scolding’s and being told to do better next time, with your dessert taken away for the week.

While you held this resentment for him, you couldn’t hate him, not really, not when he would sneak you his leftover ice cream that was your favorite flavor, one that he hated but your parents didn’t know, not when he would run into your room on stormy nights to make sure you were okay.

Not when he obviously loved you so much.

But you wanted more, you needed more…just something to fill the gap that your parents were leaving. A gap that for some reason they couldn’t see was growing bigger every time they turned their backs on you and turned to Ben.

You were a loner too…most of your “friends” were actually Bens friends, Audrey being one of the few that usually hung out with you outside of Ben and Chad, she was petty as hell sometimes and pretty passive-aggressive to those she didn’t like but she had never seen you as “Bens sister” or “the second child of King beast and Queen Belle”

She just saw you as (y/n), her friend.

When the VKs came, it was almost a relief, finally, the attention was off of you. With Bens coronation and even your parents paying more attention to the new kids instead of picking apart what was wrong with your English essay.

You had tried talking to them, but all four of them were pretty off Standish, and in their own group almost all the time, but after they had chosen good, you and Evie had started talking and had grown a small friendship, one that was nothing compared to what she had with Ben and Mal but you didn't feel as lonely anymore.

Mal had…. acknowledged your existence…yeah, the two of you didn’t really interact much. And you were fine with that.

Especially after Ben told you she tried to memory spell him (you had almost stormed into her dorm guns blazing). Then soon after that, Ben and the other vks were going back to the isle, and you were utterly bored and needed to do something other than sit in your room and disappoint your parents by doing nothing so why don’t go to the isle and disappoint your parents for a good reason!

So now, you stood at the stairway below the core four’s hideout, happy you had taken your denim jacket with you as the isle chill set in.

“so?” Evie asked Ben as he solemnly climbed back down the stairs, his eyes at the ground “where’s Mal?” Ben shook his head, pushing past Evie and Jay and walking down the ally.

“she's not coming back” he muttered before disappearing. You kept your eyes on him in worry, ignoring the other three’s worry over Mal who was safe and sound in her little hideout while your brother, who knew how to hold a sword but sucked at hand to hand, disappeared into the alleys of the isle. 

You moved to go after him but stopped as a much taller, leaner shadow took Bens place in a blink and walked toward you. “hey!” you yelled, the vks stopping in their Mal rant and turning to you “Ben’s gone”

Evie's face melted from worry for Mal to worry for Ben as she stepped next to you and called for Ben as the tall shadow got closer “Ben…Ben!”

It seemed they thought the new shadow was Ben as Evie sighed in relief and looked away, setting her hand on your shoulder “Ben don’t scare us like that!”

“Don’ scare yeh~?” the tall shadow stepped into the light, the teens bright blue eyes sending shocks down your spine as you looked into them “That’s my specialty ~” he purred, his eyes flashing between you and Jay. Evie breathed out his name in annoyance.

Harry…what a nice name...

“what did you do with Ben!” Jay stepped in front of you, not liking the way Harry was eyeing you up. Harry seemed to no understand what Jay was asking before he gasped, turning slightly to point down the ally.

“oh~! We nicked ‘im~!” he nodded as if he was explaining something to a toddler “and if yeh want ta’ see ‘im again~ have Mal come to the chip shop tonight~” his eyes darkened as he gestured to the group with his hook “Alone…Uma wants” his tone lightened again, his eyes looking back at you with curiosity “a little visit~”

He looked at jay again and pursed his lips, looking up and down “aw Jay~” he tilted his head and gave a teasing grin “seems like ye’ lost yer touch~” Jay growled and tried to tackle Harry, but was stopped by Evie. Harry held his hands up and giggled, turning to you and bowing slightly “your highness~” he purred, winking at you and blowing a kiss as he walked away.

The vks mostly ignored his last few actions and Jay hopped up the side of the stairs to get to Mal, while you watched Harry disappear into the ally, your heart going miles a minute.

“wow” you muttered, shaking your head to get rid of the fluffy feeling in your head “get a grip (y/n), he just kidnapped your brother!”

You quickly followed Evie and Carlos as the gate door of the stairway lifted and ascended to the hideout.

-

Leaving you on your own in the hideout was probably the worst choice the vks had made that entire night, as you had nothing to entertain yourself with so you just left and traveled around.

You had somehow walked from the hideout to the docks, and if you remembered correctly, this was the pirate's territory. So, you spun back around to get your ass back to the hideout but stopped as two sets of lust-filled eyes stared back.

But unlike Ben, you smirked as you crouched into a fighting stance, you had taken almost every self-defense class you could. For more than one reason but mainly because even in Auradon there were still nasty people.

The bigger one of the two men rushed at you, but ultimately flopped to the floor as you pivoted on your right foot and swung your left leg around, hitting him directly in the temple and knocking him out.

You grinned at the other man and waved your fingers at him “come get me~” you jeered, laughing to yourself as he yelled and rushed at you.

But before he could take a step closer, a silver hook whacked over his head and knocked the second man out. You pouted and glared at the new person, not caring if it was the teen that had kidnapped your brother an hour ago “hey!”

“hey~!” he mocked back, a teasing smile on his face. He stepped over the two men and curled his hook under your chin, his eyes drifting over your face “now what's a little princess-” you twitched at the nickname “-like yeh traveling alone on the isle~ it's dangerous yeh know?”

You forced down the heat that wanted to cover your face and shrugged, mentally smirking as Harry rose his brow “well…they left me alone in the hideout and I got bored…can't blame me for wanting some excitement eh?”

He squinted at you for a minute, as if he was trying to figure you out…then he finally spoke “yer different than’ I thought yeh would be” he muttered softly, the cool metal of his hook drifting away from your chin and back at his side.

You crossed your arms and cocked your hip, giving the pirate a smirk “what did you think I was going to be like?”

“prissy, stuck up, wouldn’t touch the isle even with a hundred’ foot pole” he shrugged, licking his lips as you rolled your eyes and brew a lock of hair out of your face.

“well as you’ve just experienced, that’s not true” Harry laughed through his nose, looking up towards the barrier and running his free hand through his hair.

“aye…” his shockingly blue eyes drifted back down to meet yours. “so why even come ta the isle? Fer beasty boy? Malsy?”

You looked down at your shoes…you really had no reason to come along did you? Ben and the others could have easily handled getting back Mal without you…so why?

…

“because if my parents are going to disappointed in me it might as well be for a real reason” you muttered, letting your arms drop to your side.

You felt Harry's eyes on you as you stared hard at the ground, willing yourself not to cry. “that sucks” you looked at Harry through your lashes, seeing him staring at you with sad eyes “I thought…I thought all Bora-don parents loved their kids” he laughed uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his head.

“well…they are still human…and just because they are hailed as good people, don’t mean they are good parents” you sighed, crossing your arms again and looking away from Harry's eyes.

“wait…Bora-don?” you laughed, turning back to Harry with a grin. He seemed to be relieved of the subject change and a sharp grin grew on his face.

“aye, it's boring, so, Bora-don~” he giggled, rocking on his heels a bit. A few moments passed then he held his hand out to you.

You stared at it, then him for a few moments. “come on, let's give yer dumbass parents a real reason ta be disappointed in yeh” you smiled and took his hand, laughing quietly to yourself as Harry tugged you away from the docks and toward wherever he was taking you.

-

Your legs were in Harry's lap as the two of you cackled into the dead of night, hands stained with paint and rotten food. Harry had taken you for a night of chaos, destroying vendors with paint, pranking the twin sons of Gaston’s with balloons filled with rotting eggs, and just wreaking havoc in the streets of the isle.

Harry's arm went behind your back as you fell to the side slightly, his bicep pushing against your arm. “thank you Harry” you hummed as you finally calmed down, giving him a closed-lipped smile. “this…this really meant a lot to me” he stared at your lips for a moment before a soft, unsure, smile grew on his lips.

“it was no biggie princess,” your lip twitched at the title “I was kinda already planning ta do all those things anyway…thought it was pretty fun ta do it with someone instead of by myself” you laughed a bit, leaning back on your hands and closing your eyes.

“I get that”  it was silent for a few moments, just you and Harry on top of the abandoned building.

“yeh reacted when I called yeh princess” you twitched again “yeh did it again…is something up with the word?”

You sighed, then opened your eyes, staring into Harry for a moment then looking away “I…I don’t like being referred to like that…it’s not the title its…what it refers to… it's hard to explain”

Harry tilted his head, his hand going on your knee to gently push you to continue “is it the royalty thing?”

“no” you dismissed quickly “its…the princess thing…its…well…ugh” you took your legs off Harry's lap and switched to sitting on your knees, looking at Harry with serious eyes “I've never told anybody this and you have to swear you won't tell anybody else after I tell you” Harry blinked wildly for a moment then looked at you confused.

“lass” you twitched again, making Harry pause for a moment “darling, unless it’s something that will help bring down the barrier or take over the world, I won't tell a soul” you snickered for a moment before you took a deep breath, preparing to tell a person you had just meet that day, one that had kidnapped your brother no less, your greatest secret.

It didn’t help that you felt more comfortable with him in five minutes than you had with your parents for the last 16 years. “I…don’t like it when I'm referred to with girl-like titles or…pronouns” you winced, hands going to block anything that might come your way.

“oh, yeh don’t like she-her pronouns where they are used in a way to refer ta yeh?” Harry clarified, you looked at him slightly odd, expecting some sort of relation or comment, but…it was as if you had just told him you didn’t like a vegetable instead of you not being comfortable with your gender pronouns?

“uh…yeah basically?” you rubbed the back of your head, the other hand picking at the loose threads on your pants.

“yeah, it's not that uncommon ‘ere, I think Desiree is non-binary and one of the other crew members is gender-fluid…not that it's not a big deal but…why have yeh never told anybody else about that? Not even yer brother?” your wide-eyes looked away, hands clenching into your shirt “Darling?”

“um…Auradon isn’t really…accepting of most things…I didn’t even know that…non-binary and gender-fluid were a thing…what do they mean?” you looked back at Harry who seemed to be very surprised “what?”

“nothin’ I'm just surprised tha’ the place of happily ever after’s is kinda…shit?” he laughed, rubbing the back of his head “okay lemme remember what Desiree told me um…Okay non-binary is when you don’t…identify as the gender yeh were at birth so say…okay take Desiree as an example, they’ve been told they’ve been a girl since they were born but they’ve always felt like that didn’t fit, but being a boy didn’t feel right either. so that’s what non-binary is. It's that yeh are neither male nor female yeh are…well you, and most of the time, as far as I know, they use they-them pronouns instead of she or he. but I think some of them use she and they, or he and they…just depends on who uses the pronouns n stuff.”

That…that sounded right…you had never liked female pronouns on you, and ages ago, when you tested male pronouns to yourself, that never felt right either…could you be non-binary? “um, what about gender-fluid?” Harry took a deep breath and looked up.

“Okay, I’m not as knowledgeable on that since the one who actually told me about it didn’t tell me everything…anyway, its under the same...umbrella i think its called as non-binary but genderfluid is when you are both genders, not at the same time…I think, but one day yeh can be female, the other a male, sometimes neither, but that’s what gender-fluid is. They don’t have a fixed gender”

While that sounded interesting…it didn’t feel right to you, you never felt like a girl, and you never felt like a boy… “I think I’m non-binary” you breathed, feeling like a weight was lifting off your entire body. You grinned as Harry smiled.

“awesome, welcome to the club darling” you let yourself fall forward into Harry’s chest, who stiffened slightly and slowly wrapped his arms around you.

“thank you” you muttered quietly, rubbing your cheek into his collarbone. His entire body was still as you cuddled into him, before he relaxed and laid his cheek on your head.

“yer welcome darling” he whispered back, one of his hands going up to cup the back of your head, thumb gently rubbing back and forth.

You jumped as a sudden loud noise crashed below you, and you further ducked into Harry, yelping slightly as he tipped back and the two of you ended up in an odd pile on the rooftop.

Harry tightened his arms around you, his entire body tense again as he listened for any threats. He let out a soft sigh as the high-pitched yowl of a cat rang from where the loud noise came and the animal scuttled off. “yer fine” he whispered, letting his head hit the roof as you sat up and looked around “jus’ a cat”

-smut starts here so if you don’t want to read anything that either includes it or hints at it just scroll till you get to another warning, but this does has some plot points in it soo scroll at ur own risk-

You nodded slightly, twisting around to look at the bleak buildings of the isle. you felt something beneath your legs and you glanced down, feeling heat creep into your face as you realized you were straddling Harry's thigh, it seemed he didn’t fully realize you were doing it as well, his leg rubbing against…well your…area.

You squeaked as he pushed his leg up further and tipped forward, your hands reaching out and slamming next to Harry's head to catch yourself.

His eyes flashed open, red building on his cheeks as your faces were suddenly only two inches apart. “um” you looked to the side, biting your lip “s-sorry” Harry glanced down, the blush spreading to his ears as he realized what the pressure against his leg was. He laid his leg flat and let out a short laugh.

“uh…” you locked eyes again, and a strong shiver was sent down your spine as you looked into his sparkling ocean blue eyes.

You could feel an ache between your legs begin to grow as you lifted yourself back up and hovered over Harry's hips. Harry slowly sat up, stopping inches away from your face, his eyes drifting to your lips for a moment then looking back up at you. “I-“ you whispered, biting your lip as a devious idea came to mind “I have…an idea”

“oh,” Harry whispered back, leaning a bit closer, his hands sliding forward on the ground and resting on your thighs. “Wha’?”

“you know what would really disappoint my parents?” you grinned, your hands reaching up from your sides and gripping onto Harry's jacket, pulling him toward you a bit.

He grinned back, looking down at your lips again “wha’ would tha’ be?”

You leaned in, lips only an inch from his “sleeping with someone they would hate” you could almost feel the wide grin that spread on his lips.

“sounds an excellent idea~” he purred, hands flashing up to your shoulders as yours curled around his neck and pulled him into a hard kiss, teeth clashing and faces warm.

Harry's leg arched up against your butt and forced you forward again, your lips parted with a gasp as Harry leaned back with you. he wrapped his arms around your torso, pressing your chest into his and leaning down to nip at your neck “Harry” you breathed, pressing your lips together as Harry's hands drifted down to your butt and pushed it against his hips, an odd hardness pressing against the ache between your legs. You let out a low whispering moan as he ground against you, his lips smirking against your neck as you started to meet his hips in tandem.

“that’s it darling” he purred, trailing up your neck and sucking on your jaw “jus’ like tha’” you whimpered, ducking your head down and burning into Harry's neck as Harry's hips started to go harder and faster against you. You let out small gasps as your hips twitched and ground back down into Harry's, who let out small groans against your shoulder.

“hang on hang on” Harry grabbed your hips, stopping you and sitting up. One of his hands reached up to the back of your neck and pulled you back, lips crashing into yours in a bruising kiss. His hips started again, the heat between your legs almost becoming unbearable as you trust against them to get rid of the ache.

Harry nipped at your lip, smirking as you opened at his request and tilted his head to deepen the kiss. He sucked at your lip, dragging your tongue into his mouth. You sighed at the feeling, tightening your grip on his jacket as you let him just play with your tongue.

He pulled back, smirking at the trail of saliva that still connected your lips. “shall I take yeh to my apartment yer highness~ yeh should be taken in a place of privacy, not a damned rooftop.” Your hazy mind yelled at you to go with him and you nodded, yelping slightly as Harry grabbed your thighs and stood with ease, your legs locking around his waist. “I’ll take good care of yeh darling~”

-

You let out a breathless gasp as your back hit his bed, the larger teen pouncing on top of you, not waiting for you to stop bouncing, and pressed another bruising kiss to your lips.

You heard him unzip his jacket and throw it across his room, the chain across the back making a loud sound as it hit the wall. He pulled away from you for a moment to rip off his sword sheath and shirt. You felt your face burn as his pecks and abs came into sight, slowly reaching out to trail your fingers against his scars as he pulled his shirt over his head.

You felt him shiver as you brushed your knuckle over his perked nipple and gripped onto his bicep, biting your lip at the look in his eyes as he smirked down at you.

“before we start” he rasped in a low tone, making you press your thighs together to relieve the ache that pulsed “do you really want ta do this?”

“yes” you answered immediately, smiling at his question, good to know that even after you had gone this far, he still asked for consent. He smiled back and leaned down, pressing his forehead to yours, noses touching.

“Jus’ tell me ta stop, and I will” you nodded and pulled his lips down into yours, immediately opening your mouth and clashing your tongue with his.

Within seconds your jacket was taken off and Harry pushed your top up above your breasts, unclipping your bra from the back and pushing that over your breasts as well.

You pushed at his chest, Harry immediately pulling away and raising his brow, laughing slightly as you sat up and discarded your top and bra. You pulled him back into the kiss, groaning into his as his hips dipped and pressed into yours again.

He pulled away for a split moment, making you whine in objection and tug on his hair. He leaned down and whispered into your ear, lips brushing against your skin.

“I'll make sure yeh won't be able ta walk properly tomorrow~”

-

Harry started up at the ceiling, his fingers gently trailing up and down your back. Almost every inch of him ached, from the reddening hickeys on his neck, torso, and hips, the scratches on his arms, back, and torso, to the bitemark on his neck.

He looked out his window, noting it was pitch black outside. He sighed and turned his head into you, curling his other arm around you and tugging you tighter into his side, breathing in the scent of your (fav shampoo).

He didn’t know why, but from the moment he had first seen you, your curious eyes peeking from behind Jay's shoulder, he had felt something flutter within him. He wasn’t able to stop thinking about you from then on, even as he taunted Ben in the lost revenge’s brig, unable to get those hypnotic (e/c) eyes out of his head.

He couldn’t ignore the genuine happiness when he saw you again, taking down those goons with ease and confidence. He couldn’t ignore the feeling in his chest when you laughed, the intense fluttering when you smiled at him.

The way heat rushed to his cheeks when you hugged him.

The passion he felt as he looked down at your writing body as he was deep inside you.

-Alright! Yall who don’t like reading smut/stuff that hints at it are good! You may continue reading!-

He shouldn’t feel this way, not for the child of the king that had sent his father to the isle, and dooming hundreds of kids to a floating prison just for being the children of villains. He shouldn’t feel this way about the sibling of the king they had kidnapped and were holding for ransom.

He had only heard of this type of feelings from stories of the heroes of Bora-don, how they had somehow fallen in love within seconds of meeting the other. He had never understood it, calling it stupid that someone would fall in love with someone they just met.

He understood it now, the ache in his chest when he thought of you being hurt when the villains took over the world after Uma got the wand and freed them all. He only had one word to assign it to.

Love.

His grip on your waist tightened, and he buried his face in your hair. He didn’t know if he would ever see you again after today, so he would treasure the moments he had with you now.

You groaned slightly in your sleep, your hand that wasn’t trapped under his pillow reaching up and curling around his neck, pulling yourself further into his neck, your nose pushing into the dip between his shoulder and neck.

He pressed a kiss to your head and closed his eyes, huffing slightly as he realized he felt completely content by your side.

-

You grumbled as beams of light pushed through your closed eyes, you pushed off Harry's chest and glared at the window, reaching to close the curtain that half covered it, huffing as you realized you couldn’t reach it from your spot buried in Harry's side.

You stilled as Harry's arm reached past you and closed the curtain, leaving the room in calmly lit darkness. He put his hand on your head and pushed it back onto his chest, thumb gently caressing the back of your head. “morning” you rasped, tilting your head to rest your chin on Harry's pecs and smiling at the slowly awakening pirate.

“morning darling” he rasped back, his sleepy ocean blue eyes staring back at you. He slowly sat up, shifting you to sit in his lap as he shook his head to force himself to wake up. “wha’ time is it” he grumbled, raising his brow as you reached behind him for your pants, that were hanging off his bed frame, and pulled out your phone.

“8:30” you set your phone on the nightstand and flopped back into Harry's chest, tightly wrapping your arms around him. “what time is the…thing?”

“12” he hummed, pressing his cheek to your head and holding onto you “so…”

“three and a half hours” you did the math for him, pouting as he pulled you back slightly and looked into your eyes.

“Uma wanted me at the ship at nine darling…” you sighed, looking at your lap as you realized your time with the handsome pirate was almost up.

He pressed a kiss to your head and pulled his blankets around you, covering your nakedness and getting out of the bed, aware of your eyes on his butt as he walked over to his dresser.

“Please tell me it wasn’t just me” he paused as he slid his underwear over his hips and looked over at his shoulder at you, eyes widening as he saw a droplet of water appear from behind your hair and fall onto the blanket “please tell me it wasn’t just me that felt something”

He was silent for a few moments, biting his lip as his heart raced with the realization that you felt the same way he did.

He stared at you for a few moments before turning back to his dresser and opening the small box on top and pulling out a necklace.

He turned and walked towards you, giving you a soft smile as he sat in front of you and gently lifted the tread around your neck, trailing his fingers down it and holding the small charm in his fingertips.

You glanced down at it and gasped, the charm was a small metal hook with a small red gem in the middle of the bulb. “this is something I’ve had fer awhile” Harry whispered, looking back up at you and bonking his forehead into yours “Gil made it for meh a long time ago, but it…it didn’t feel right on me…but I kept it cause it felt like it had a purpose…I guess that purpose was ta be on yeh” you sniffed as your vison blurred “what I’m saying is…yes, it wasn’t jus’ you, I felt something too”

He tilted your chin up with his finger, softly smiling at you and leaning in slightly “a feeling I’ve only heard in yer Bora-don tales” you gasped slightly at that, heart going a thousand miles a minute as you realized he had felt the same way you did since you had first seen him last night in the ally “it sounds stupid” he chuckled, looking off for a moment “I never believe those tales of love at first sight or that type of shit but…” he looked back into your eyes, hand trailing from your chin to the back of your neck “I was proved wrong”

He pulled you into a sweet, soft kiss, your eyes closing as he slowly moved his lips against yours, his other hand coming up and taking your hand that wasn’t holding the blanket.

Your mind went hazy as the world around you melted away at the taste of Harry's bruised lips, giving you the softest kiss you had ever gotten from anyone.

He pulled back for a moment, pressing another soft kiss to your lips before sitting back and opening his eyes, smiling as you kept yours closed and swayed slightly “(y/n)” he whispered, realizing he had to go very soon if he wanted to make sure you got back to the core four safely, and make it to the ship on time “ye have ta go now”

You slowly opened your eyes and pouted, tilting forward and hugging Harry tightly “I know, but It's too dangerous for yeh here love, get dressed, and I’ll walk ye back to the hideout” you shook your head against his chest but obeyed after he clicked his tongue and picked one of your legs up and let it drop on the floor.

He pressed a kiss to your forehead and stood, grabbing his clothes that had been tossed around in the night and quickly getting dressed, grumbling about his belts that had somehow disappeared.

“under the bed” you snorted, laughing as Harry paused and dropped to his knees and looked under the bed, muttering some curses to himself as he pulled out the two black-brown belts and attached them to his hips.

You sighed as you ran your fingers over the purple hickeys all over your neck and torso, whistling slightly at the dark bite mark on your ribs. You mentally thanked your past self as you pulled your turtle neck over your head and smoothed it down. “yeh ready darling?” you nodded over to your shoes and picked them up, walking over to Harry's bed to put them on.

You finished lacing them up and jumped slightly as Harry's hand appeared in your vision. You looked up slightly, biting your lip as he was fully geared up, a tricorn hat on his head, and a blue headwrap hiding his fluffy back hair. He had lined his eyes thick making the blue pop. You took his head and stood, the two of you walking out of his apartment and towards the hideout.

-

You stopped just a little less than a block away from the hideout, Harry taking off his hat and holding it in front of your faces as he pressed a soft kiss to your lips “I’ll see yeh later yer highness” he whispered with a smile, he took a step back and bowed low, flipping his hat on his head as he stood.

You shared a sad smile and Harry walked away. You watched him for a moment before you called after him, he turned with a raised brow “stay safe…please” you smiled as he nodded.

“as yeh wish” he turned away and walked toward the wharf, leaving you to return to the hideout alone, the cold metal of the hook charm against your chest reminding you that you might never see him again after today.

-

You never did see him again that day, being forced to stay with the car as the others went to get Ben.

It had been a week since cotillion, and you stared at yourself in the mirror, dark bags under your eyes as the clock read 2 am.

It had been hard…hearing yourself being referred to as “she” or “her” or “the sister of king ben” when you had finally found out who you were.

After you had gotten back you had scoured the internet to look up the terms Harry had told you. Non-binary…’Non-binary people not only do not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth; they do not identify with the male or female gender at all’

You were non-binary, and it was so hard to hear yourself be misgendered after years of feeling uncomfortable being referred to as a ‘girl’ then finally figuring yourself after meeting Harry. you thought of telling the core four, but you were scared that they would ask about how you found out, and then you would have to spill the beans about Harry.

You didn’t know what it meant to be non-binary but…this was your journey right? As long as you felt it was right…it had to be the right path…right? You glanced at the scissors on the counter, then back at yourself in the mirror, frowning at your long hair that your mother had demanded that you never cut dramatically, in fear that you would be seen as a boy.

…well fuck that.

You grabbed your scissors in one hand, your hair in the other, and pulled it to the side. You closed your eyes as you held the scissors over your hair.

*snip!*

You hardly looked as you chopped off your long hair, the locks falling on your feet and bathroom floor as you did.

You took a deep breath as you set down the scissors again and quickly looked at yourself, breath-stopping as you did.

“oh” you breathed, leaning forward towards the mirror and reaching up to touch your choppy short hair “...there you are” the cut was ugly and rough but…it felt right…you smiled, running your hands through your hair.

A thought came to mind, and you ran into your room to grab a baggy button-up shirt you had stolen from Ben months ago and quickly threw it over your tank top and buttoned it up.

You took a deep breath and stepped in front of your mirror, your eyes burning as you felt like you were seeing yourself for the first time “there you are” you whispered again, reaching up and grabbing the hook charm as you closed your eyes.

Your name was (y/n), and you were non-binary.

And if that disappointed your parents? Or anyone else in Auradon? Fuck em.

If you were proud of yourself that was all that mattered.

-end of part 1-

2nd parts gonna be after d2 and into D3 with (y/n) telling Ben and the C4 about them being NB and doing things to help themselves feel more like themselves…yep :D hopefully, I did this fic right and represented those who are non-binary correctly, I used the knowledge I had and did some research to make sure I didn’t type any stupid shit.

Oh also enjoy this little sketch dump I did while writing this, it's not (y/n) exactly, but just how I envisioned the “character” if it wasn’t a blank slate “character” lol, and yes they do got a pirate look going on…that’s the point XD they take inspo for their fashion from Harry/pirates.

permtaglist

@queer-cosette @sephiralorange​

@lunanight2012 @daughter-of-the-stars11

@musicarose @random-thoughts-003

@remembered-license @jatp-rules-my-life 

@rintheemolion @thecaptainsgingersnap

@verboetoperee @imtryingthisout

Gotta see what you got for my main girl squirrelflight

Squirrelwife for life anon. Honestly anyone is good for Squirrel as long as they aren't Ashfur or Bramblestar. I don't really have ship for her, I mean, I love NightSquirrel just as much as anyone else and ShrewSquirrel is also really cute but, I headcanoned Squirrelflight as aromantic for the longest time for a reason~

But because I love her, and Nightcloud deserves a girlfriend, NightSquirrel it is!!

Squirrelflight

Squirrel is trans! MtF, trans girl, I love her and no one should've been bothered by her kits not being her biologically!! All of the end of Po3 makes me angry!! The Three 👏 are 👏 her 👏 kits👏!!

Also the fact that she took all that sh*t laying down is so out of character for her, like, she didn't let anyone talk down to her even as an apprentice and the fact that she let people try and drag her sons into it is b*ll!! I want her to yell at people like "THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! LEAVE THEM ALONE! LEAVE MY SISTER ALONE! IT WAS MY CHOICE SO BE MAD AT ME NOT THEM!" Also Brambleclaw raised them and rejected them if that isn't a tigerclaw ass thing to do I don't know what is. This turned into a rant. I'm sorry.

Squirrelflight willing takes Jay Holly and Lion and I will die with this headcanon.

NightSquirrel

Unlike how the NightLeaf headcanons went Nightcloud is aware of Squirrel's advances just cause she much less subtle and much better at it than Leafpool.

Ok so, in the GreenRose Au I have a much, much bigger New Prophecy road trip gang that includes Apprentice!Nightcloud. She and Squirrelpaw get along like a house on fire! Much to Crowpaw's dismay cause he's their favorite target. Honestly when they all join forces the rest of gang is in for a bad and or entertaining time cause they roast anything and everything they see. Purdy adored them.

Also, quick Nightcloud headcanon, she was adopted into Windclan after the battle with Bloodclan! She was a kitten from one of the alley cats who was oppressed under Scourge's rule, Tornear adopted her as his daughter and since Mudclaw was Torn's brother they were all very close. Squirrel being so open and ready to befriend Nightpaw made her feel very welcomed unlike how Windclan did sometimes. Night very quickly devolved a crush and so did Squirrel. They were subconsciously seek each other out whenever bad things happened on the journey, both back to the old territories and the new ones, and instead of LeafCrow happening it's NightSquirrel!

Nightcloud already felt so out of place and the death of her uncle hit her hard. Squirrelflight is constantly in fights with Ash and Bramble and is just done with everyone! She and Night met up and very hastily make a decision to run away together if more bad things start happening. They do, same time as LeafCrow did, and when they run into Midnight Nightcloud is very reluctant to go back. She's a hero but she's also an outcast given both her past and her siding with Mudclaw's coup, if she went back after this they'd never forgive her!

Squirrelflight goes back without Nightcloud while Midnight talks some sense into her. Nightcloud eventually runs after her mate with Midnight and she makes it just in time to see the badger that kills Cinderpelt going into the nursery. She, without thought cause this is Nightcloud, rushes into the nursery and attacks the badger with Cinderpelt. So Cinder lives! Cinderkit is named after Sootfur instead (cause, come on Sorreltail your brother died too I don't see any legacy naming for him).

After the battle Firestar sees how close and sad looking Nightcloud and Squirrelflight are and he offers Night a place in Thunderclan! She immediately says yes! Power of Three would the follow the 3 as Night and Squirrel's kits!

Wow this is long!

Magnum P.I. 2x06 - Lie, Cheat, Steal, Kill thoughts

Spoilers ahead.Obviously.

Overall I liked this episode better than the Halloween one by leaps and bounds, we got one case no one cares about and some weird none-triangle-triangle-drama and Higgins calling TC for a favor instead of Magnum and Kumu being kidnapped!

Let’s start from the beginning... 

So I loved that in the first scene Abby feeds the dogs to distract them because they’re growling. It’s like she’s totally used to the dogs stalking her/them/Magnum. And Magnum is stealing wine. And the fact that he picked the wine cellar for a date spot. In fact, I just loved that whole first scene. The whole setting got nothing to do with Abby/Magnum and everything to do with Juliet. From the place, to the wine, the dogs, the undertone of doom of Abby and Magum being happy. Even without shippy glasses on, you gotta admit, the wine cellar and dog are all just 100% associated with Magnum and Juliet’s relationship. Not Abby and Magnums.

Because of this, this scene made me so sure that Abby was going to get sent packing somehow, if not by the end of this episode then at least within a few episodes(turns out it was this ep.) As a Miggy fan (I do believe we are calling Magnum x Higgins Miggy right?) this should have made me happy and while it kind of did, I also have some other thoughts which we will get to later.

TC making a deal - that’s going to come back - which will be interesting. Possibly crossover?

The case is well... it’s weird and doesn't make total sense, I mean it does but not really. 

Abby hires another PI to prove bad guy she helped get off a murder charge is guilty but it somehow ends up in Magnum’s hands. Why couldn’t she just have asked him directly and that would have made her hanging around helping Magnum + Higgens solve it make a little more sense? This would have let her see them working together and being awesome (which kind of was the point of this episode) just as easily. I did really enjoy the other PI being all “going to get a catheter up my ding-dong so would you help me out” scene though! 

Basically, though this episode was all about Abby/Magnum/Higgins and their different way of interacting (+ to get Abby out of the show somehow). The case itself isn’t actually tricky. The bad guy does exactly what they “want” every time, pretty much so it’s all very ‘meweh’. I’d have love a moment like this 

or a mom and dad reference from Rick/TC in the middle just for fun.

But it’s fine because we don’t really care the bad guy evil or about the poor dead writer girls because there is no real framing for us to feel disturbed or sad about that in this ep. At least that’s my take. Did someone else feel compelled by the story? This episode was all main characters' stuff to me. 

Even when we get to meet one of the victim's mothers it’s only to motivate Kumu to get involved which in turn leads to the kidnapping which leads to “Juliet knows him best, do what she says” line from Abby.

This is where my annoyance with the Abby / Magnum breaking up (because of Juliet) comes in. Because while it’s cute that Abby says...well let’s run through the scene... 

Abby: *spends two hours with Magnum and Higgins* I’m not the girl for you, but if you pay a little attention you’ll see that there is someone right under your nose that is perfect for you. Just OPEN your eyes man!

Magnum: *confused* Huh? What? I can’t think of anyone. Higgy, can you think of anyone perfect for me?

Higgins: No? Why? Aren’t you and Abby still making love-dove eyes at each other? 

Writers: No, we decided to jinx that majorly by having Magnum toast to their happiness at the start of the episode.

Magnum & Higgins: Right. Sorry, Thomas. Well, let’s go have some beers and laughs and then for the rest of the week we’ll spend all our time together solves cases ignoring the fact that we banter because we can’t admit how we really feel.

Writers: Sounds good. Oh and in next week ep, Higgins will randomly show up where Magnum is working...in a bikini. Because.

Magnum & Higgins: Makes perfect sense.

Also this while “falling in love” song plays. Guys! Try to be a little subtle. 

LOL

Well, maybe that’s not a *totally* accurate write up of the conversation. But basically, Abby is us (the viewers) instead of Abby in this episode. We know Juliet and Magnum have a kind of special relationship. They kick ass together and understand each other. But it’s so much more of course. She’s lost a lot, he helped her with that, he’s lost a lot and she’s helped with that. She’s the one who always there when he needs her for a case and genuinely enjoys it. 

His bonds with Rick and TC are strong because they were in the army and the POW camp together, but living, bantering and saving each other lives over the past year and a half has made the one he has with Juliet just as strong. He loves her. He’ll die and kill for her. Probably he would fight and die for Abby to, but due to the nature of their relationship (they don’t go running into hails of bullets for fun) there hasn’t been a chance to show that. 

Juliet is the person he works with, talk to most and risks his life with/ for. They are so similar yet so different. But they are still, at this point, just business partners and friends. Trusted friends. I mean yeah, sure, we (the viewers) have seen the puppy dog eyes and smiles. 

(gifs are not mine but borrowed from people more talented than me)

But what Abby saw in today's episode was mostly that Magnum and Juliet trust and know each other.

That should not have made her break up with him!

I’ll say it again. 

Nothing Magnum/ Juliet did today was grounds for Abby saying “oh we shouldn’t be together because your soulmate is sitting over there”. 

So yeah, now I’m going to rant a little (bit more?). 

I mean maybe I’ll see something on a re-watch but is standing next to one another and making plans (work-related) together cause for concern? I would hope not. Even in previous episodes where Juliet has been like “he’s a good man” to Abby, it shouldn’t be a huge deal.  Magnum is a good man. Higgins and Magnum should be able to be friends without it being an issue for Abby. 

Because Magnum was with Abby. He wasn’t dating Higgins. He’d picked Abby, (at least for the time) and not Higgins. And while it’s fine for her to feel like maybe he’s into Higgins, it’s weird to be so obvious about it right after ending things. IDK, maybe that’s just me.

Still I don’t like Miggy friendship being a factor in A/M’s breakup. It plays too much into the stereotype of men and women can’t be friends, which is what Higgy and Magnum are at this point. And I don’t like that. As much as I want Miggy, I love where they are now, as friends, too.

So yeah. Abby breaking up with Magnum today because she didn’t want to do the long-distance relationship - and that’s it - would have been great. Maybe one sentence of ‘maybe I’m just not the girl for you’ would have been ok. But the whole, her pointing him towards Higgins (without saying her name obviously) is not cool. I don’t like it and I wish Abby would have stuck around for an episode more (or two) before making her exit.

Maybe actually having her talk to Juliet about her and Magnum’s relationship and even making Juliet realize that there is something there. Or not. Maybe just have her be unsure about moving to the mainland. Show that she actually was into Thomas and that it’s a hard choice for her. Or make her mom (on the mainland) sick or some other additional factor to make her seem less like she’s just ditching Magnum. We already had Hannah and that Cat-mom-lady, being all “nope I’m just going to dump Jay Hernandez and his fine behind because I can” and now did Abby did as well. With Rick’s failed relationship I’m beginning to worry the showrunners have something against brunettes!

Anyways, that was my biggest pet peeve with this episode, the breakup reason. Best bit for me was the one with catheter guy at the start, Magnum in his bathrobe and all the snark and banter they managed to cram in there!

The Others (2)

[ Mafia/Gang AU ]

Thirteen years later many things have changed.

“Seems Illionaire is making much more money now.” Kylie put down the report she found on Dok2′s desk as she waited for him. In her arms, she held a small bundle of pink and white.

Dok2 dismissed the men who had followed him into the room with a nod. “I wasn’t expecting you here.”

His wife had just given birth a few days ago. It was definitely too early for her to be out and about but Kylie wanted to make a point.

“Don’t make that face Joonkyung.” She knew he was scrutinizing her for bringing a bastard child to the office. Everyone was aware this second child, the daughter in her arms, was not his. “They might not know you also had an affair, but I do.”

Dok2 was aware of his wife having met you.

She told him only a few days after giving birth to their child, a son Kylie named Ji-hoon. Having a son ensured she had produced the heir to her husband’s fortune. There was no need to worry anymore.

Once her son was old enough he would take over for Dok2 ensuring her future.

“Honestly, you should have seen how shocked she was when she found out you were Illionaire’s leader.”

Dok2 made his way around her and sat at his desk ignoring her rant. Perhaps it was hypocritical of him to treat his wife this way when he too cheated on her. The fact remained that she went too far by breeding a child from her affairs and expecting him to welcome it with open arms into his family.

“Do not bother me unless you want to discuss something about Ji-hoon.”

Kylie smirked triumphantly knowing she had gotten under his skin. That was all she desired for now.

After she walked out of his office Joonkyung released a frustrated groan. His life was certainly not going the way he planned; making him question all the decisions he made in his youth.

Most of the questions involving you.

His eyes went to a hole in the wall near the door. He hadn’t bothered to fix it the same way he never bothered to do anything about his feelings for you.

Love was the one luxury he couldn’t afford under his circumstances.

\\

“Go Leo!” Your loud cheering received some stares but you could care less. It was too exciting to see your baby boy out there on the court scoring so many points. He was the power forward for his school’s basketball team and well on his way to becoming the ace player.

Leo turned towards the sound of your voice and smiled knowing you were there to see him. His smile disappeared the moment he turned back to the court and positioned himself under the basket once more.

“Your mom is as loud as always Leo,” one of his teammates commented. “Must be scary when you get bad grades or get into trouble.”

“He never has bad grades,” another tuned into the conversation as a timeout was called by the opposing team. The three teenage boys retired to the benches where their towels and waterbottles awaited them.

“What, so he’s athletic and smart?” The initial starter of the conversation asked. He was on the school team but did not have the same class as Leo to know how he was off the court.

Leo spaced out leaving the two to talk amongst themselves as his only worry became rehydrating. The boy always heard people saying the same things about him.

Leo is so smart.

Leo is so athletic.

Leo is so handsome.

Leo is so responsible.

Leo is so blunt.

Leo is so silent.

Their compliments were appreciated but unnecessary. All he really cared about was making sure his mother continued to smile. The truth was Leo had emotional detachment and abandonment issues.

Neither he nor his mother believed it to be so but the doctors who found his silence unbecoming amounted it to something he had no recollection of. They thought his lack of a father affected his social skills.

The truth was Leo had many friends, he socialized well. He was, however, selective about who he socialized with. It was similar to the way his mother acted.

She may never have told him to be wary of strangers but he was. He saw the way she cautiously put herself between him and a stranger before knowing who and what their intentions were.

“Leo come on.”

He broke out of his thoughts and pushed his dark hair out of his face before returning back to the court where the rest of the team awaited him.

After the game, he quickly and meticulously gathered his stuff before making his way over to you. Many people congratulated him on the win which he only responded to with a curt nod or single word of thanks.

“There’s my MVP,” you wasted no time to hug him. There were a million comments you had on how well he had played.

When he came to you asking permission to enter the team you knew nothing of the sport. But like everything involving your son, you became invested and soon were able to talk to him about strategies and stats.

“I noticed you struggled a bit when you fought for the rebound with that tall kid. Did you get hurt?” You began examining him for any bruising. “Sometimes the ref doesn’t see but-”

“I’m fine,” Leo assured.

A simple two worded response that brought the smile back to your face. One of the best sounds in the word was that of your son’s voice. It brought relief and happiness to your overprotective heart.

“Then let’s go celebrate your win!”

The corners of Leo’s lips curved into a smile seeing how happy you were. The truth was he did have minor aches and pains when he went against that other player.

He was someone he had clashed with before. The center of the rival team who on occasion gave Leo dirty looks. Neither had spoken a word yet there was a silent rivalry between them that no one else had noticed.

\\

For a couple week now you two were being watched from afar.

“Boss that kid and his mother live in a pretty normal neighborhood.”

Jay Park, AOMG’s leader, looked through the compiled information on his desk. His eyes narrowing in on your photograph. It was a recent one that his men had taken of you at your place of employment.

You were a decently private individual with little to no social media presence that had only been in use for the past five years. It was nearly impossible for him to find the information he was looking for.

“I just feel like I’ve seen her before.”

Simon’s brow rose in question, “With Dok2?”

Jay nodded only barely recalling the time more than a decade ago when he spotted you holding onto his rival’s arm as you entered a private parking structure. Back then your long hair obstructed the view of your face but your mannerisms were the same. Most of all, he remembered your eyes as they looked over at him.

At the time he thought you had met his eyes but perhaps it was just a coincidental glance in his general direction.

“Why don’t we just go after his actual son, the one everyone knows about,” Woogie proposed.

“Because he’s the obvious choice.” Jay dropped your photo picking up Leo’s instead. “This kid could be his illegitimate child.”

Simon looked over his boss’ shoulder, “You think he looks like him?”

Everyone began debating and voting on the appearance of the mysterious child. Some were undecided taking into consideration how they had yet to really get a good look of the Illionaire boss. Others straight up denied the possibility for various reasons.

“It doesn’t matter if he looks like him,” Jay interrupted their discussion. “The birth certificate is missing a name. I’m sure it was intended to protect the kid but the family name says it all.”

Gray dug through the file pulling out the copy of Leo’s birth certificate. It was clear as day to them who have been investigating the whole situation. There in black and white was your name and an empty space where Joonkyung’s should be. “The kid’s legal name is Lee Leo, we need to keep looking into this.”

They all agreed to continue following you around, convinced they would eventually get the lead they needed to act.

“Besides, “ Jay pulled them back into the conversation. “He does look like he could be the other kid’s brother.”

“How old is Ji-hoon,” Gray asked.

“Thirteen,” Woodie responded.

“Do you really think he got his side chick pregnant at the same time as his wife?”

“That’s what we’re going to find out.”

\\

Ji-hoon watched in disgust as his mother doted on his younger sister. Not once had she even directed a word at him since she arrived. He kept telling himself this wasn’t jealousy, rather it was envy.

He was envious of his sister having everything he had been wanting. The time and attention of his parents were hard to come by when they were often occupied by business. Now he had to compete against a helpless newborn.

“You’re back,” Kylie commented as her son made his presence known. She watched him give a disinterested glance in their direction as he walked by to get to the stairs. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Do you care or you just upset again because Dad ignored you so you’re going to take it out on me?”

Kylie gaped at her son’s response. This wasn’t the first time he had talked to her in this manner. She had become accustomed to his increasingly hostile attitude. What surprised her was the fact that he knew she had seen him.

“How did you-”

“I called and asked for a ride,” he interrupted.

Ji-hoon was an expert at running away from his bodyguards. They had to maintain a distance so normal people didn’t see them but they were always around. To the untrained eye, they were like shadows, to Ji-hoon they were unwilling participants in his game of hide-and-seek.

The young boy knew his father would drop everything to make sure he was safe so he often repeated the act when he felt like seeing him. Often calling him to pick him up from wherever he decided to chill.

“Ji-hoon you know that’s not safe!”

Kylie’s reprimand stirred her daughter’s sleep. In an instant, she began wailing asking for comfort.

“Look what you did…” she picked her up from the bassinet she had situated in the living area to begin rocking her back to sleep.

“Sure what I did,” Ji-hoon heaved a sigh of annoyance. Once again he was being falsely accused of being his mother’s inconvenience. “I got lectured by Dad already so I’m gonna go to my room.”

“Ji-Hoon…”

“Ji-Hoon!”

Kylie shook her head knowing he wouldn’t come back down no matter how many times she called for him.

“There there, Jia… go back to sleep.”

-end-

A/N: On the mood board Leo is at the bottom-right corner and Ji-hoon at the top-right. BTW I’m basing ages and school grade on the American system, meaning highschool age is 14-18 years and the grades are 9th-12th.

45. Part 2

I am not going to lie; I am so scared right now. What could Maurice mean by family crisis, what family crisis is he speaking about. I am actually so scared of what is happening or what is to come, Maurice didn’t sound upset with me. He didn’t sound like I was in trouble, he just wanted me back home but I am still so scared on what is to come, what is happening or what had happened while I was gone. I was slightly scared when I got the phone call, what if it was Reign but I know what Maurice is like with her, he is very over protective with her, he does not allow anyone near her besides himself actually, he does love her so much and maybe I am being selfish, maybe I am selfish but all I wanted was some attention from him, it wasn’t hard. I just wanted Maurice to show me some attention at night, especially at night but he didn’t give me that but now I am all nervous, this family crisis. Does this make me a Davenport now, I mean I am a Davenport, but does this mean I am more of a Davenport now, I am so nervous “mother, I am nervous. I can’t help it” I can’t blame myself because it’s not my issue, this is all so new to me “don’t be stressing yourself out, Robbie it’s not about you honestly. If it was, Maurice wouldn’t be saying love you? I mean you said it back?” I chuckled “you right, but I need a nervous pee” and we are outside the home now, it’s still standing and nothing has happened outside my beautiful home, I cannot thank Maurice enough for getting me such a beautiful home “this is it” I said as I got out of the car, locking my car door as I made my way around the car “stop being like this Robbie, I bet it is nothing. I bet his family is here” I suppose, my mother could be right, and it could be just something so simple.

The door unlocked, this keyless entry is the best, I love it. Pushing open the door, I jumped back. Maurice is sat in the gallery, he has been waiting for me “hey” Maurice got up from the chair “I have been waiting for you” look at my daughter, once again he has her in her diaper, he just loves doing this “daddy hates putting clothes on you don’t he” Reign got ever so excited seeing me “come here” pressing a kiss to Reign’ cheek and taking her from him “missed you baby, is everything ok?” I asked while fixing Reign in my arms, she is attacking my earrings already. She does not wait at all to do this “please don’t do this” I mumbled, Reign grinned at me “well I got a knock on the door, checked the cameras and I saw my brother, my dad and mom outside the home. I was not happy to see him, I came down and my dad said he wants to speak to me about this, I said no he fucked with my family. Jay is with him in that room with my mom and dad. I said I ain’t doing shit, this is my day you’re ruining it. My dad said he wants to speak to me, I said fuck you. You upset Robyn too, you’re in her home. I said I will get Robyn and you speak to both of us, like why now? I am upset about this” letting out an oh, my mom came into my eye view “let me take Reign, you deal with this” nodding my head as my mom took Reign “so he’s in there right now?” I pointed at the rooms that were meant for the maid and security “yes, but I wanted you here. I needed you here, you make me think. You know” nodding my head “so I’m needed?” Maurice chuckled “you always are, is that the issue?” I smiled “just come on, let’s go” I am nervous now, his brother is here. He is on drugs and in my home, this is not good at all “but seriously, Robyn. Are you upset because of me not giving you attention? Baby you know I love you” I just smiled putting my head down “I just missed you Maurice, that is it. Just let’s deal with this” I said.

Walking behind Maurice as we got into the room, I am hiding behind Chris right now more then anything because honestly I haven’t seen Malik since that time and it’s just bad memories “Robyn, how are you?” Joy said, oh god. After what Maurice said about his mom letting him go “uh hi” I smiled, I hit into Maurice’ back “what are you doing?” Maurice said, looking up at him “nothing” I laughed nervously “where is Reign? Maurice you cannot hide her just because I bought Malik here” seeing Malik finally, ok he is a mess and they really did beat his ass “oh my god” I said under my breath, Malik is sat right next to Marquis and Jay is stood right on the other side, he isn’t going anywhere far “well he is in my home, why? You can speak now” Maurice said, he is so annoyed. I can tell he is “what do you want me to say Maurice, you can see your brother right? You are not blind, you need to look after family Maurice, I know what he did but he needs help just like you do. Please Maurice listen to me! He is my son and I can’t let him rot. Look at him” Marquis said “he tried to ruin my life, he tried to kill me or even Robyn and you want me to help him? I don’t care” Malik is very quiet “I want to be like you, yes dad��� Malik slurred out, is he high right now “like me? Right, you never saved me so why should I save you?” Maurice said, he stepped ahead of me staring at Malik “save you how? I can’t fight him” Malik hit Marquis’ shoulder, he got up from the bed side but Jay pushed him back, not my beds, I don’t want nothing damaged in my home “hit me again!” Malik is on something, grabbing Maurice’ arm but Maurice is not caring “just sit down ok” Jay said “Maurice, please. Please help him, he is sorry” Marquis said.

I feel like Malik will ruin my home and I want him to just go “he said he wanted to come and see you; he is not well son. He did what he did because he is lost, just like you were” Joy explained “don’t! Do not bring up my past when you want me to help him” Maurice snapped at his mom “please, I don’t want to be like this. Look at me, please Maurice. I beg you; I will get on my knees” Malik flopped down to his knees “you’re no brother of mine, I don’t have one. I can’t ever trust you” Maurice said “then kill me” I don’t like any of this, I have Joy crying and Malik on his knees “Maurice, please talk to me. Come, let’s talk” I said walking towards the door, dragging open the door. Turning around waiting for Maurice to come out behind me, he finally did “this is why I wanted you to come here, I just hate it. They gang up on me, what do they want me to do? My dad cares for me, he loves me but he is all about putting face” cross my arms across my chest “come closer” I said, he is ranting on too loudly “tell me what should I do?” Maurice said in a whisper “he ain’t said sorry to you, to me. Not like he meant it even if he did so tell me what should I do? I will take your advice because I trust you, but you see how they gang up on me? It’s full of shit, it’s like I have to do it because I have to keep the family name there, fuck them!” Maurice is very angry “how come you let him in the home?” I asked “because my dad was there! I couldn’t do that Robyn, I don’t want to help him” this is difficult, his dad wants him to do it and I don’t think he will take any other answer, taking in a deep breath thinking on this, pacing off to think.

Maurice won’t stop, like he is being so loud “Maurice, stop!” I spat, walking over to him “stop, just calm down please, come here” walking over to him “it’s not that, Robyn why should I? Please tell me this, he tried to kill you, me, and maybe my daughter. I don’t know” hugging him “and at that point he was not well, are you going to listen to me?” Maurice sighed out “you are always the most forgiving though” moving back from the hug, holding his arms looking up at him “because my mother is like that but when you’re in that space you do stupid things, don’t you think? Your parents have done a terrible job with all of you kids, you are all damaged in your own way. And Malik saw everyone’s pain because he was the youngest and the most ignored. You was the chosen one, the one that stayed in Spain, the one that got your dad’ attention, your mother seems to dote on you the most even though Malik was there with her as a mother was she really a mother” I said to Maurice in a whisper “just listen to me, he did what he did and it was wrong, but the real Malik. The one before the drugs what was he like Maurice?” I asked, “tell me that, what was he like?” moving my hands away from his arms “I want to be selfish; I am sick of people thinking they can do what they like. You know? It’s about me now. Me, you and Reign. That is it” I sighed out “then why did you smile at the picture of you and your brother when I showed you when he was clinging onto you, tell me? I am not being soft I just think he needs help, and he wants you to care. And I feel he always did want you to care, he couldn’t have helped you, who listens to him?” Maurice huffed out “Maurice, pootie listen to me. You have two terrible parents, be a big brother to him and help him. And if he comes out of it being a dickhead, then that was just him, but you tried. Why is your dad asking your permission anyways?” I am confused with that “because my dad is transitioning the business to me, the accounts have come to me. He wants to take money from the account to put him in rehab, he doesn’t want to use his own retirement fund” nodding my head “right, where is Malik’ money?” now I am confused “he lives off my dad, he has no money. I always did, Nalah does” that is terrible “if that ever happens to any of my kids, one gets one and the other gets nothing, I will murder you. Reign and our future kids get equal” shaking my head “now please, find your heart and do it” Marquis is fucking trash.

Family crisis I wish I was not involved with, but I guess I ain’t got no choice but to be involved, I will end up being a Davenport, I just think Maurice needs to play this wisely. I feel like this will work in his favour in regard to his brother, his dad is so disgusting. He didn’t want to use his own money to help his own child “Maurice, wait. You know when your dad helped you, was this off his own back, like with his own cash?” Maurice nodded his head “he dragged me there, he literally dragged me there and dropped me off there” I feel disgusted with him, he wants to see my daughter. He will do anything for her but his own child, I mean I shouldn’t be shocked. He has a child in Europe, he had Maurice calling his Spanish bitch Mami, he had several wives. Oh this man has been around, but yet he’s still being trash “let’s go in, just please don’t do what I don’t want you to do, please” walking behind Maurice to go back into the room, Maurice pushed open the door “Robyn does have a lot to say son, doesn’t she. Good you can control him and his big mouth” Marquis said laughing “you need to be controlled son” closing the door behind me “what do you want me to do? I am speaking to Malik, not you dad” Maurice said, Marquis was about to speak “hey, dumbass. I am speaking to you, what do you want from me? You had Noami? I mean you was pretty happy were you not” he is so out of it, like Malik is just a blank canvas staring “Malik” I said, Maurice doesn’t know how to speak “Maurice wants to know what he can do to help you” Maurice is turned around looking at me, he is not the slightest bit happy “he can say it” Malik said, Maurice sighed out “I am not playing stupid games, just fuck off out of my home. You all can go” glaring at him as he walked around me to leave me here “seriously?” Maurice opened the door “well I heard; I am here. Thank you Terry” Nalah has now arrived, just nice.

Nalah looked at Malik “seriously, look at you. What is wrong with you? Oh Malik” she made her way over to him, my mom just stared at me and I just rolled my eyes as Maurice closed the door “I saw that” he said as he walked over to me “you was about to run, you can’t run. Why do you run from situations huh?” Maurice stood in front of me “because he deserves it” Maurice mumbled “then blame me when it doesn’t work, at the end of the day nobody shows him love, what is wrong with you. Look at Nalah, just look” I pointed, Maurice looked behind him to see Nalah fussing over him “then why don’t Nalah help him huh? Come on big sister!” Maurice spat “why on earth is this my issue?” here he goes “because Maurice, you’re taking funds off people. You are taking everyone’s money to make them work, how can he have money if you won’t give anything to anyone unless they work, huh? I did tell you that this was not logical” Marquis is ever so calm about shit, he knows that it would annoy Maurice “maybe if you gave Malik money in the first place, maybe if you loved him enough then he would have something, you think that too?” Maurice spat getting in Marquis’ face “Joy wanted another child, she got it. This is not my issue, what are you going to do about it?” I wish he never called me to be honest “y’all are so wrong! Shut up! First of all, dad, he is sat right there. He was wanted, and second of all your ex-wife fucked over our little brother to get to you. You and I both know she didn’t want him, she fed him drugs, and then got him like this and you get him kicked out and arrested!? I am sick of you and dad; mom just stop crying. I can’t be bothered to hear it, take your head out of your ass. This is not about putting face anymore, fuck the money. That is the little brother that clung onto you when you came back from Spain, even then you was an asshole to him. It was him counting the days when dad said you was coming back and then when you came back for good you didn’t care then, just slightly when you moved to New York. He was begging to drive everyone else’s car because dad didn’t get him his first car. It was me that asked dad to get the car for me and I gave it him, fuck you both. My god” I hope Maurice feels awful “he betrayed me too, he released shit about me, my daughter” Maurice said “not as much he’s been betrayed his whole life” I feel choked up now.

Nalah has really snapped on them, they deserve it and I don’t want Maurice staring at me like I will help him when I told him what to do “I don’t need anything, I will help him myself” Nalah said “I will give you money to help with fees, I know rehab is not cheap” I spoke up, I will take the money out of my own account “no I will” Maurice added quickly, Malik sobbed out crying “you always been nice to me, I remember” Maurice got in my eye-view “what now, I told you. I said it to you, if you listened to me. What did I say to you” I said in a whisper “I will pay, it’s my brother” Maurice retorted “and that is my brother in law, where was your heart before? You needed Nalah to say that, for me to step up? Is that it” I am not trying to have an argument when his parents are just staring at us “I am hurt by him, he fucked me over too. Did he not?” nodding my head “and so was I in this, but we all saw he was taken advantage of, we knew it. I said for you to be a brother to him” Marquis is staring at us both, I just caught him watching “then let me deal with it?” Maurice is desperate to change it now “so you can belittle him, like you just did with your dad. I said for you to take him, but you didn’t” looking at Nalah helping Malik “I am taking him” she said “then make it right” I said to Maurice, I want him to fix it “Malik, look. I will pay for it, I’ll do it. I can get you the best help” Nalah seems to be very angry with Maurice “here comes Maurice speaking with his money, oh fuck you. Come on Malik, Robyn I will be in touch. And do not come near me, and fuck your fancy party. Still you talk out of your ass” I knew Nalah was not happy, Maurice let out a deep sigh as they both left the room, I wish he listened to me.

Episode 3: “She hates girls”- Dani

I AM PISSED. I AM SO MAD AT BRANDAN RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE HECK. I WAS TOTALLY TRANSPARENT WITH HIM. HONESTLY??? I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUtT FLIPPING WITH HIM AND JULIAN IFFFFF THEY WOULD HAVE ASKED ME. AND JULIAN?? I TOLD HIM I HEARD HIS NAME, I TOLD HIM. WHY IS HE ATTACKING ME FOR BEING HONEST??? I'm so glad I have Lucy and Andreas but Brandan better waTCH OUT BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT HONEST WITH HIM. WHAT THE HECK i'm sorry, i'm just so MAD right now

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO all my alliance members are on different tribes, I am so sad. ALso I'm with Brandan. -___________- I don't know who else is even on my tribe. I like Kevin and the others are all okay but UGH WHY BRANDAN WHEN I AM SO IRRITATED WITH HIM STILL?? bring me back lucy and andreas :( 

Okay so yay for a tribe swap but uhm it's kinda homophobic that not only am I not on a tribe with Dani or Ryan, but that I can't even speak to them now!! I'm still drinking with Dani on Saturday though so suck it hosts. This tribe is alright, like I said not my favorite set up but I don't feel completely screwed. I'm with Joey which is good because he's loyal to me, but people are going to assume we're working together since he picked me, also he isn't good at talking to new people so idk if that's gonna end up bad for us lolol. But yay for being on a tribe with Sarah! Idk she's iconic and I'd like to work with her. I talked to Andreas for a bit and he was nice, I'd hope we could work together. I started talking to Junior again before the swap so I don't feel completely off on him. Billy is the only one I've barely talked to, but he was on Sarah's old tribe so I think they're gonna stick together??? I just hope that we can win some challenges so that I don't have to worry.

when trace and johnny give you lemons.... (ie- brandan) you make lemonade. I am currently kissing brandan's ASS right now. i told him that if he and julian asked me to flip i would have and all kinds of other lies just because i don't need any drama with him on this tribe going forward, I NEED numbers so whatever i'm going to be his new best friend and pretend to forget about tribal but I'm still PISSED. 

This tribe swap is fucking disgusting. Why do i have to be on a tribe with junior. Im just glad jake is here and maybe him, billy and i can work together and grab someone else to work with us if we go to tribal 

Okay so last night I was on call with Joey and he was like "someone told me you wanted to vote me out round 1" and I was like yeah it's true but you didn't have to say it. And big surprise it was Keaton that told him this. So now it's a new day and lo and behold I'm on a tribe with Keaton's snake ass and as much as I don't trust him I have to play nice because the boy knows WAY too much about my game and my personal life for me to risk crossing him so basically I just go from one migraine to another bouncing between my exes. If I get swap fucked I will be showing up in Johnny's PMs with virtual pitchforks. xoxo Madison

https://youtu.be/5oLRQqS00UU

VL Confessional Cause you tried to play both sides You got caught up in your lies And now you're runnin' You're runnin' out of time Try again, cause the game is over https://imgflip.com/gif/2vicz3

Wtf! Why did we switch tribes right as I felt so good????? Now I’m in a tribe where I feel like I can’t connect to anyone except dan and sometimes Tom. I made an alliance with Tom, Madison, and Dan. I’m trying to ensure our safety Incase we do go to tribal. Keaton came to me and said he wants to target Madison and honestly I’m really down for that. So I think I can use this as an advantage. I can either tell Madison Keaton is after him and we get him. Or I can team up with Keaton and Lucy and get one other person to flip and we get Madison. Tbh only down for Madison because she doesn’t seem to like me at all. I’ve also heard she hates girls. Which is a little obvious :p. I hate that. GIRLS GOTTA PROTECT GIRLS. But nooooo she loves attention. Ok ranting done.

VL CONFESSIONAL I feel like Jake is my #1, but Dani is visiting him today(lucky girl.) I feel like I would do a disservice to a majority of straight men in this game if I didn’t hum the intro to “Ether” at least once. Also, fuck Jay-Z.

Heya, time for a little update! As of now, I am getting a little frustrated with my tribe (love Jake though). But before I get carried away, let's see how well we do in the immunity challenge. I am not sold on the song choice, but I appreciate that a few people give active input. I'll do my part as best as I can and hope that it'll be enough for at least 2nd place... Should we lose, I'll try to get a solid group with Jake and Junior, and add a player, who one of the other three wanna vote for. At this point, none of Joey, Sarah or Billy play a major role for my future plans in this game. Billy could become a close ally as he seems to be very underrated in this game. Sarah could become a close ally because she's a cool cat. Joey idk about. We're not bonding that well rn. 

I have no faith in my tribe at all I somehow feel like this video is about to be 3 minutes of just me and a cameo of mark and his adorable kids x_x Time to make my cousins make some videos with me so I have a lot to edit in because I SURE can’t rap in time with this song 

Okay Isaac is sending weird clips of himself from challenges I’m not sure if that will cut it but I’ll take whatever I can edit together at this point DJSJS

Me seeing the other videos and prepping to go to tribal... also a picture of Tom booty poppin should be on the dvd cover

VL CONFESSIONAL THANK YOU JUDGESSSSSSSSSS! YOU GUYS ROCK! JESS LET ME BUY YOU A BUNCH OF TIM HORTONS. Alyssa, fried chicken at Red Rooster on me when I visit😃?

I know I haven’t been around much. But I hate this swap. I hate this tribe. I know NO ONE who I feel will be willing to keep me safe with them. So I actually have to work hard to talk to people. Music videos are not my forte. But I have to contribute because if we lose then I’ll be someone on the chopping block for sure. And I can’t have that. I’m just hopping we can slam challenges and then we can make it to the next swap. But I hope Sarah and Jake stay close with me. I really like them both. Jake is really cool to talk to and he’s not bad to look at either. Sarah is my soul sister. Then there’s Joey, who has this plan to get rid of Andreas and honestly I’m kinda ok with it. Anyone but me is how I’m feeling. I just gonna find somewhere to sink my teeth into this game and take a bite. I don’t want to be a background day player with no story line and shitty gameplay.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=zfISjcq23KU

Okay so I think I'm gonna go for Billy this round. I didn't want to lose because I think I have good connections with everyone on our tribe, but someone's gotta go. Billy makes me worried now because he said in our tribe chat that Tom told him we lost, so bitch you cross tribaling??? Andreas and Junior both told me they like me and each other so I think they're trying to form a group of 3 there? Sarah also said she liked me and Billy and I like Sarah but it might be hard trying to get her to vote Billy out. Joey originally said he wanted Andreas out and that he likes Billy, but Billy told me and Junior that Joey was spreading Andreas name, so I let Joey know that Billy's doing that, and I think Joey trusts him less now. We'll see what happens. I just don't my name going around like last time. I just need another tribe swap ASAP.

So now were going to tribal bc johnny announced the results wrong. Johnny is a pissy player and cant stand when other hosts mess up but wants us to understand when he does..hm TEA Anyways ill see what i can do to make sure I do not go home. I think i have junior, and jake and billy but we shall see

Literally fuck off. HOW IS IT FAIR THAT THE HOSTS fucked up and they wont give us an extension??? INTERESTING????????? Why does one tribe get over a day and we get less than 12 hours..lol ok what ever maybe get your fucking shit together before fucking over ppls games 

Well look at it, we lost again. Great! Just great! And people seem to be thrilled to go to Tribal Council! They're so excited that they throw the challenges! So me being a straight shooter, I immediately target Billy, who has slacked the most on this new tribe and would be a fair call (on paper). But it's only natural that people have their own agenda and I am being targeted by Joey and Billy at least. Sure, Joey might still be up in the air, but either way, I NEED to believe in Jake and Junior here to vote for for Billy, or I am toast. And if Billy doesn't step up next round, so are Jake and Junior. I have nothing against Billy, but this season we don't really get along too well. We had a fun chat today, but it felt like it was too little to late for me in this season. Let's see what happens in this mess of a round :D Love Johnny though, I don't blame him. I really wanna stay and fight for all the people on my tribe to stay in this game!

Ok, so as per usual in premerge, my fate rests within other peoples hands. That's just how I play and that's totally okay with me. The scenarios I can see are: 4-2 Billy/Me (which is what's being sold to me sort of with Billy and Sarah voting for me) 4-2 Me/Billy (if Jake sticks to Joey and they decide to ride the tide and vote out Billy over Junior if they lose another TC) 5-1 Me/Billy (if they all wanna be safe lmao, but Junior seems really sincere, so I doubt this happens!) I can't scramble too hard at this vote, because I really feel that Jake wants to keep me around and me reaching out to others will make me appear like a bigger name to write down. I 50:50 Hate/Love each tribe I'm on and I hate that I am such a sulky old man in this season, but that's just a new facette of good old me.

https://youtu.be/i6ZY0hrvDaM

I am SO glad that we won! the judges were HARSH, huh? But it's okay, we still won! I really hope that andreas is going to be okay tonight, I'm just a little worried but I think maybe Billy will be the one to go?? Maybe. 

I fucking wrote out a long ass confessional and then it refreshed and I wanna die, so here are the highlights: I love how Johnny has progressed enough in life to recruit 5 iconic female judges in the name of feminism, but has not progressed enough to perform basic arithmetic I want the f5 to be original Robinsons and I trust them as follows: Mark > Dani = Ryan > Junior I want a f3 with Mark and Junior because Dani is a big social threat and I would always vote for a woman over a man because fuck men, and it’s like the laws of feminism I’m really happy I haven’t had to go to tribal yet, let’s keep it moving and NO DOUBLE OR TRIPLE TRIBALS PLSSSS

It looks like this is a wrap y’all. Unless sarah actually pulled some miracle out of her ass and convinced them all to vote Andreas then it’s time to blow my flame out. I’ve been on the outs ever since I was picked last. So I guess this shouldn’t be a surprise. 

Girls Talk Boys

Request:  Hey can you do a Gil imagine where Gil is dating the daughter of Belle? Thanks!

Characters: Gil, Harry, Uma, Lonnie, Jane, Ben, reader (daughter of Belle and Adam)

Warnings: One swear I think but otherwise it’s all fluff

Word Count: 3253

A/N: Finally!!! I’ve been writing this for ages and it’s finally here! 

Requests and tags are always open! Find my prompt list here

“I can't believe you roped me into this,” You sighed as you smoothed out the front of your dress again.

“You love me too much to not do this for me,” Ben smiled down at you lightly.

“You sure about that?” You laughed when your brother scoffed before ruffling your hair. “Hey! I spent an hour fixing my hair!”

“You mean you stalled for fifty minutes then did it in ten because there is no way that took an hour” Ben teased you. He simply laughed when you glared at him. “Besides, you love doing this”

You smiled, confirming his statement. You had been the first one he told when he decided he wanted to start bringing kids over from the Isle of the Lost. You were actually the one who helped him decide which ones to bring over first. And now that more were finally coming he had made it your job to get them all properly assimilated.

Pretty soon the limo pulled up to the school and they received the same welcome Mal, Evie, Jay, and Carlos had when they first arrived with the band playing and the streamers, the whole works. Slowly six people exited the car and you and Ben followed Fairy Godmother to greet them. You stood silently, watching as Fairy Godmother introduced herself to them. When Ben stepped forward you followed his lead.

“It’s so great to finally have you all here,” Ben smiled genuinely. “I’m Ben and this is my sister-”

“Y/N,” You introduced yourself. “I can introduce myself Ben” You laughed when he rolled his eyes at you. He started giving another speech about this being a ‘momentous occasion’ and how it was ‘the start of a new era’.

“Little over of the top, Ben. Thought you’d learn from last time,” You smiled when you heard one of them whisper ‘see I wasn’t the only one who thought so’. You recognized him and two others from when you were at the Isle, trying to get Ben back. “Unfortunately for us Ben has king duties to tend to so no more exaggerated speeches,” You jumped out of the way before Ben had a chance to do something like the hair thing again. He laughed lightly as he shook his head at you. “But lucky for the six of you I am free as bird so I’ll be taking you on a tour of the school”

“We prefer you over him anyway, Princess”

“I’ll fight you again, Harry” Ben replied mockingly before you had a chance to say anything. Harry simply laughed at the statement.

“Okay, dad,” You motioned for Ben to leave to which he rolled his eyes. “I got it from here”

“Alright, alright. I’m going” Ben gave them one last goodbye before leaving you in charge.

“Now let’s see if I can get this right,” You mused as you look back and forth at the six new students in front of you. “You’re Harry, obviously” Harry bowed in an exaggerated manner. You rolled your eyes at him and handed him one of the bags Ben had left with you. “Which means you’re Uma,” She smirked and you did the same thing right back. “And you’re Gil” You turned to the blonde on the other side of Harry. Now that you were standing right in front of him you were taken aback. The smile on his face was the brightest, most excited you had seen yet. It made you smile softly. His soft brown eyes stared into yours. You saw nothing but joy in them. A second later his smile turned softer and he looked away from you, now nervous. You didn’t comment on it and instead handed him his bag.

“And you must be Dizzy,” You recognized the youngest one immediately. “Evie has told me tons about you. And the tiara you made that I wore to Cotillion was honestly the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen” You laughed when she squealed excitedly.

“I’m so glad you liked it! The princess of Auradon wearing my designs!” You smiled and handed her the bag. “Halley, right?” The girl smiled. There was a twinkle in her eyes and her blue hair moved gently like flames. “And finally,” You turned to the boy he smiled softly as you handed him the last bag. “Freddie”

“Six for six. Pretty impressive, princess” Uma walked towards you first.

“I try,” You shrugged easily and began walking, the six of them following behind you. “I will do you the favor of sparing the boring details that they’ll probably teach you anyway,”

“And I thought I was full of myself,” You heard Harry muse. You turned to see him looking up at the statue of your father. You clapped your hands twice and held back a laugh when he jumped back. Someone else’s laugh however caught your attention. You looked to the right and saw Gil looking from the statue to you with a smile.

“That’s pretty cool,” He admitted to you. You took a small step closer and nodded lightly.

“Something about his transformation from beast to man? It’s supposed to be inspirational but I never really understood” You stepped back and let them wander around the courtyard for a few minutes. You didn’t miss when Gil clapped his hands to try to get the statue to change again. You chuckled softly and walked over to him. “Only works when me or Ben does it,”

He turned to look at you and nodded quickly. “I knew that. I mean I figured”

As hard as you tried you couldn’t stop smiling at him. You figured you probably looked crazy at that point. So instead you led them into the school to continue on with the tour.

“That pretty much does it I guess” You sighed as you brought them back into the main hall. “Doug is your go to guy for your schedules and what not but he is busy helping Evie who is backed up with appointments,” You glanced at the time and gasped lightly. “Which speaking of it’s almost time for mine. But first,” You motioned for one of them to hand you their bag. You managed to hold back a smile that time when Gil stepped forward first. You opened his bag and took out a box with a cell phone in it. “One for each of you, it was my idea,” You smiled and turned on the phone while trying not to pay attention to the fact that Gil was standing close and looking over your shoulder. “You can find your class schedules on here as well as the times and everything. There’s even a couple of people’s numbers in there already,” Your breath caught in your throat when you looked up to see Gil looking directly at you. You lost your train of thought for a second and struggled to come up with a coherent sentence. “I-Including mine. So, uh, feel free to, uh,” You smiled softly and barely managed to remember how to speak. “Call me” You slowly handed him back the phone and the bag. Suddenly you remembered where you were and took a couple steps back. You cleared your throat and chose to ignore the wide smirks coming from every single one of them, excluding Gil who still seemed to be stuck in the same trance you had just been in. “But, uh, yeah. Dorms are that way and you can always contact me or Ben with any questions. I will see you all later but really, Evie will have my head if I’m late again” You waved to them and walked away before they could see the blush form on your cheeks.

“I made a complete fool of myself!” You ranted to Jane and Lonnie. The three of you were sitting in your dorm late that night and you had told them about what had happened earlier. “He’s the definition of dreamy and I probably looked like a complete loser!”

“Okay one, you’re literally the princess of Auradon. Two, I highly doubt he thought anything close to that” Lonnie tried reasoning with you.

“I’m surprised you were so nervous around him,” Jane teased you. “You’re never like that with anybody”

“Wait until you meet him tomorrow,” A small smile grew on your face. “He is literally-”

“Speak of the devil,” Lonnie reached for your phone when the screen lit up. You and Jane both looked over her shoulders to read what she was looking at. Gil’s name had popped up on the screen.

Hey I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind showing me around tomorrow?

“You’re doing it,” Jane and Lonnie said at the same time. You didn’t have time to argue before they started planning out a response.

Yeah of course meet in the dining hall for breakfast?

“Send it,” Jane confirmed and Lonnie easily pressed the send button.

“Thanks for giving me a choice, guys” You rolled your eyes lightly.

“Oh like you would’ve said otherwise” Jane laughed. You had to admit, she had a point. The three of you stared down at your phone when it dinged again.

It’s a date

The two of them squealed excitedly while you were at a loss for words. “It’s a date! See he so likes you!” Lonnie put your phone down as they both smiled at you.

“It may not be a literal date but I mean he’s definitely interested” Jane smiled brightly. You listened as the two of them went on and on about the next morning. All meanwhile you shook your head and did nothing but listen to the two of them.

“You are smitten with the princess!” Harry laughed. He and Gil had finally gotten settled into their dorm and he decided to bring up what was so obvious earlier.

“I am not,” Gil tried arguing, he knew it’d be no use though. Harry could see right through him.

“Oh please,” Harry didn’t hesitate before walking over and snatching Gil’s phone out of his hands. “Watch and learn loverboy. Oh and you're welcome in advance” Gil watched as Harry typed out a message on the screen.

Hey I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind showing me around tomorrow?

“What are you doing?” Gil asked, eyes not leaving the screen as they waited for a response.

“I’m getting you a date” Harry told him easily. It wasn’t long before a soft whoosh signalled a new message.

Yeah of course meet in the dining hall for breakfast?

“It worked,” Gil laughed softly as he stared at your message. “You did it”

“Like I said, you’re welcome” Harry smirked before sending back another response.

It’s a date

“A date?” Gil wondered aloud.

“Not literally, mate,” Harry chuckled softly. “With any luck you’ll be there soon though”

“I can't believe you” Ben shook his head as he lunged at you. You easily blocked him with your own sword as you stepped out of the way. “You went on a date without telling me”

“It wasn't a date” You argued as the sound of metal clashing filled the room. He had managed to escape from everyone looking for him and challenged you to a duel, something the two of you hadn't done in probably months.

“That's not what Mal told me,” He swung again and the sword flew out of your hands. “She said that Evie told her that she heard from Lonnie and Jane that you were out with someone until literally 3 am”

You swung his legs out from underneath him, distracting him just long enough for you to reclaim your sword. “That's an exaggeration. We were back by two”

“How about the night before?” He swore silently when you knocked his sword away from him. “And the one before that. Harry said a certain someone didn't even go back that night. And rumor has it, neither did you. Should I be having a talk with anyone in particular?”

“Are you worried Bennyboo?” You teased him, throwing your sword across the room and swinging a punch in his direction. “I can take care of myself you know”

“I know that,” He mused. “Besides I already talked to Gil about it”

“You what!” You let out a groan when Ben managed to knock you over, his sword back in his hand and pointed at you. You let him help you back up and you slapped his arm. “I can't believe you! What did you say to him!”

“Nothing really” Ben laughed as you kept on swatting at him. The conversation he had had with Gil earlier ran through his head.

“So how's it going so far?” Ben mused as he sat down on the other side of Gil. Harry had gone to get more food and Ben took the chance to walk over to him.

“Pretty good” Gil nodded, hoping Ben wouldn't ask him to elaborate.

“That's good,” Ben stayed silent for a few seconds and came to the conclusion that Gil wasn't going to tell him anything anytime soon. “So I heard Y/N’s been showing you around”

“Uh, yeah. She's, uh, been a lot of help” Gil nodded.

“How was the date last night?”

“It went amazing. We-” Gil stopped when he realized what he had just confirmed. “Shit. I mean it wasn't even really- we just sort of- it's not what it sounds like. I swear-”

“Relax Gil,” Ben laughed lightly. “Not that Y/N cares what I think but if it makes you feel better I think you're pretty cool”

Gil smiled and nodded. He seemed to debate something for a few seconds before looking at Ben again. “Did she tell you?”

“She didn't have to. I noticed” Ben told him honestly. “Did you...want her to?”

“I don't know,” Gil didn't hesitate before admitting it to Ben. “I mean look at who we are. People are going to, you know. Talk and stuff”

“Can I tell you something?” Ben asked, knowing exactly how he could help. “Y/N has never cared what anyone else thinks. Not when our mom told her that she couldn't learn how to fight because she was a princess. Not when everyone else criticized her. Not when our parents tried to talk us out of all of this. I can guarantee you, she won't care at all what other people say about the two of you. Does anyone else know?”

“Harry’s the only other one” Gil told him, too occupied with his own thoughts to explain.

“What are we talking about?” Harry asked as he sat down.

“Not much,” Ben answered immediately. “Actually I have to get going” He stood from his seat and looked at Gil one more time before walking away. “Remember what I told you”

“I swear to god if you messed this up I will-”

“You'll what?” Ben smirked, cutting you off. You simply groaned in annoyance before walking away. “I miss you too, great talk!”

“You suck!” You yelled, not looking behind back at him as you walked away.

You crept through the halls expertly, wanting to get to your destination as quickly as possible. You fussed with your hair and your clothes, trying to make yourself look as decent as possible. A smirk made it’s way onto your face as you thought of what had just happened between you and Gil. Slowly you unlocked the door to your room and walked in expecting to see Jane and Lonnie already asleep. It was quite the opposite. The two of them, along with Mal and Evie, met your eyes with matching incredulous looks.

“Hi” You cursed silently as you closed the door behind you.

“Should we ask where you’ve been or do we not want to know?” Mal mused as you threw your things at the foot of the bed.

“I have a feeling you can figure it out” You said, ignoring their questions as you walked over to your wardrobe and then into the bathroom to change. You looked down at the screen of your phone and slowly reached out to type a message.

Tonight was fun

You clicked the send button before you could think better of it. You finished pulling your pajamas on and your phone dinged right as you were walking out of the bathroom.

I can agree with that

You smiled, blissfully unaware of the expectant looks from each of your friends. You were about to type out a response when another new message popped up onto your screen.

I need to talk to you about something

The smile fell from your face and was replaced by a look of confusion. You stared nervously at the three gray dots signaling that he was typing.

“Earth to Y/N!”

You quickly locked your phone and set it aside before taking a seat on Jane’s bed with everyone else.

“Care to enlighten us on this secret relationship of yours?”

You thought to yourself for a few seconds. Before taking a seat with them. “It’s amazing,” A smile grew on your face subconsciously. “It’s passionate and breathtaking and excited all at the same time. I’ve never felt anything like this before,” You admitted freely. “It’s different in a way that I can’t explain,” You paused looking away from your friends and at the screen of your phone. There was a new message from Gil and you opened it immediately. For a second you were afraid to actually read it. Keeping your relationship a secret was his idea. What we have is special. And I don’t want anyone to ruin it. That’s what he had told you. And you learned quickly that you’d do anything for him and vice versa. You remember being nervous when you finally gathered up the courage to kiss him one night. You remembered the ecstatic feeling when he held you as close to him as possible. Slowly you looked down at the screen of your phone and smiled.

I like you. I really really like. And I don’t want to hide this anymore. I want everyone to know. Anyone who will listen is going to know about us and they’re going to know how much I love you. And I really do mean that.

“Are you planning to tell us who it is?”

Evie’s voice broke you out of your thoughts. Slowly you smiled and nodded at them.

“You will. Tomorrow”

The next morning you were met by a knock on your door just as you, Jane, and Lonnie were finished getting ready. You were stuffing your work into your bag when you heard who it was.

“Gil? Hi” Lonnie sounded confused as she opened the door. You looked over and all but ran in Gil’s direction. You heard the small gasp and squeal that came from your roommates when you reached up and kissed him.

“Good morning to you too I guess” Gil laughed lightly once he set you down. You laughed and reached for your bag.

“We should’ve know, I mean honestly” Lonnie sighed as the four of you walked in the direction of the dining hall for breakfast.

“Now that I think about it, it was so obvious” Jane added.

You could hear the whispers exchanged back and forth between people as you walked down the hall hand in hand. But none of it mattered. The only thing you payed attention to was the smile on your friends faces when they found out. You were happy. Wholeheartedly, genuinely, happy. And no one could take that away in a million years.

Heavy in Your Arms con’t

@satire-please wanted the finish. I just can’t say no.

**

I’m so heavy

Whirl of colors. The spasm of his gut and throat, bile and cold sea water. Fist in his diaphragm, forcing the rancid waterfall out.

Pain racing up his spine and his fingers form claws even in the sodden gloves, ready to start tearing at the flimsy silk covering wood and plastic trapping him, ready to start from the inside:

—Screaming until he’s spitting blood, torn something there (that’s why his voice is fucked even now)

—Crying for Bruce: save me, don’t leave me in the ground to rot (but you fucked up, didn’t you? Why would he come save the Robin who failed? Who would?)

Heavy

—It’s dark and I’m scared (and now he’s forgotten how to fear the night, never fucking again)

—Where...Why? (because you should have never went after her. If you’d have stayed, the clown wouldn’t have taken your stupid ass the fuck apart. Shoulda put a gun in your mouth instead, not like you don’t always chicken the fuck out)

—Broken, bleeding fingernails (but getting through all that earth, and the first breath of tainted Gotham air was like salvation)

—Air...have to have air (no, asshole. You should have just fucking stayed dead)

Heavy in your arms

In and out. Things are flashes and snatches when he gets snippets. Movement kills it because his leg is muted but still a mess with inevitable pain waiting on the outskirts with a whole lotta lemme talk at ‘chu for a minute.

The blood loss might have made him slightly more insane than the Pit. Slightly because he’s seeing things in starks and spectrums. He’s the guy what always saw shit in shades of grays.

I’m so heavy,

Seeing things in color, just like him, his boy. Always had to be on the opposite ends of the scale because in some way they both got it— that bitch, Justice? Blind as fucking bat, yeah?

He snorts at it while the wind dries his hair and fuck he’s getting hit in the face with the battering of a cape, telling how far gone he’s got to be at this juncture.

B wouldn’t come for him, that shit is just plain stupid.

Heavy

But as stupid as it is, the kid in him buried in some dark corner, some un-fucked inch of his soul, the kid that coulda, woulda, shoulda been the right Robin...the part he can’t carve out, no matter how sharp the knife is, how strong the steel, how covered in gore it’s gets in his hand, that part still fucking hopes.

—Save me, Bruce.

Stupid little punk. Didn’t cha learn any better? You already done proved you ain’t worth the effort.

Heavy in your arms,

Out.

Back with it to the low, dulcet tone of a wrought-iron fire escape. One of the sturdy ones built back in the twenties when they intended shit to last. He can place himself by that noise alone— it’s the block of apartments on 152nd, his side of Gotham. He knows every building and bolt hole, all the old trolley stations (from back when it was the talk of Gotham, before it became the Narrows and dilapidated into drugs and low-income housing) and closed entrances to the subways, he knows the niches.

He knows where sin lives. Just another mark in the book, baby. Ya know I got it in spades.

And is it worth the wait?

The safe house is one of his. He knows it by the way the creaking mattress shoves a spring into his ass cheek.

Death seems further off since his leg is set in a complicated splint and elevated. Bodysuit is gone and his ribs wrapped just this side of too much. Someone was pissy about picking him up off the pier.

When he gets an eyeful of the slumped bird beside his shoulder on the bed, he gives a rough huff because some assholes have to show up like the motherfucking cavalry or some shit.

(Lemme go. When it’s time, Timmy, it’s time.)

He has enough in him to lift the hand just enough to fit at the back of Tim Drake’s neck, being smooth and easy with it. His fingers work up to scratch lightly at Tim’s scalp just like he’s seen his boy do a hundred times, knows it’s Red’s weakness.

All this killing time?

“You. Fucking. Asshole.”

Sounds about right.

“What do you think he would do if he heard half the made fucking ramblings I heard last night?”

Pacing, moving, doing because Timmy gets that kind of pissed off. You know, royally. He’s still in the Red Robin body suit, thrumming with energy now that some of them are going to live like the rest of the shithead population. At present, he’s cutting up a banana with feeling. One he apparently ain’t shy about sharing.

“Fucking up your second chance? Just giving up and I’m sorry.”

He winces for the banana.

Are you strong enough to stand?

“Timmy, c’mon, calm it down. Coming close...ain’t easy fer me. Gets my head all jacked-up with the…” and is he really going to do this? He and Baby Bird are good now, can work together, can snark, can siddown and have a burger on the ledge of the Wallstone. He has his own code into the Perch, got a coffee mug and set of pajamas.

But he’s never—

Only with Kory and Roy. Only with his boy.

And only when it tries to cut itself out. When it’s poison in the back of his throat.

Protecting both your heart and mine?

But it’s got Timmy turned away from the counter, facing him in the dim dawn starting to eek through the blinds. And Baby Bird is calm, rant tuning down, giving him the weight of his stare and full attention.

“It’s like,” and he has to look away, to stare up at the ceiling, to blink and keep himself away from the final moments, to gather a whole different kind of strength, “alla the bad comes first ‘cause....’cause I don’t remember enough of the other side to know if it matters, you feel me? The first time I was a shithead, but I died as Robin, trying ta save my mother, and...it was fucking noble. But when it comes again...Timmy, when it comes for me again, what if the good don’t outweigh the bad?”

Who is the betrayer?

“What if the scales ain’t never gonna be square now? ‘Cause I got ta come back.”

Who’s the killer in the crowd?

“What if I don’t get anywhere but gone. Maybe you don’t get the choice again. Who fucking knows?”

The one who creeps in corridors

“And the only good things I got to offer up...the only thing I done right this time...is that I made it square with you...and...and with him.”

And doesn’t make a sound

He must be hitting shock or something because he doesn’t even hear Timmy move. There’s just warmth when he’s already so fucking cold inside and out. Just like first waking up when all he could see was darkness and the inside of that casket wasn’t as comfortable as it looked to the meatbags on legs lookin’ down.

But his hands can move just enough to grip Tim’s shoulders from behind, he can lay his face in the side of that neck and be fucking grateful.

My love has concrete feet

The window gives under real strength, banging fast and hard.

He comes up enough to snag the .45, not screaming when the pain train hits full speed ahead. Tim’s already got pellets, even though he’s holding the younger of them to his hurting chest with his free hand because he ain’t gonna let Timmy go down that path before it’s his time—

When Nightwing leaps through, fast and furious, a whirl of feral destruction. Every muscle in his body is tense, a beautiful picture in that suit, and he must be feeling the glad-ta-still-be-breathings because he can appreciate his boy animalistic grace when he’s utterly pissed the hell off.

It’s always a sight to behold.

Tonight? It’s even better.

My love’s an iron ball

And the slow roll of those hips is the start of something utterly terrifying, the first Robin, former Titan, former Batman, and a whole lot of sexually charged vigilante powerhouse could be gearing up for a massive roundhouse to start the fight or could be a breath away from ripping your fucking clothes off to give you the ride of your life.

Or.

Could be hitting the wall with such stark relief that’s an inescapable hold and lips on his forehead, always a soft Romani prayer a litany against evil, a plea of protection and strength.

But his boy knows. Knows him down to the bone. Is achingly soft and easy, the whiteouts up on the mask so those blue eyes are overwhelming.

Wrapped around you ankles

“M’ sorry, sweets,” is rough because almost drowning had that effect, but his boy is a sucker for the real pet names, always has been.

“You asshole,” Nightwing pulls off the domino to becomes his baby, his sweet, his sugar (his redemption, his avenger, his guardian angel), and the arms get tighter, making the pain arch in his abdomen, but it ain’t all that. Naw, there’s always worse.

Over the waterfall

“You should have waited. I said I was on the way.”

Wouldn’ta mattered. We both know that.

“I was almost too you when the warehouse exploded. Jesus, Jay, I thought— I thought…”

“Aw, naw, sweets,” and he’s pressing his mouth under his boy’s watery eyes, “I’ma hard motherfucker ta kill. Ain’tcha figured that out yet?”

“Fuck that, we both know better.” And those eyes spill over, making tracks through the dirt of Gotham still on his face.

This will be my last confession

If only...if only he could be the man his boy deserves.

Instead, he’s the man he knows how to be, and draws the older vigilante down to fit their mouths together in a sloppy rendition of what might be a kiss, but is more breathing each other’s air, gripping each other to make sure it ain’t just a dream.

And he don’t have ta see it ta know his boy is gripping Timmy’s hand like a lifeline, like he’s a part of them.

He also knows Timmy’s gripping back just as tight.

I was a heavy heart to carry

My beloved was weighed down

My arms around his neck

My fingers laced to crown

None of them bitch when the two mobile vigilante strip down to boxers and crawl in bed with him. Tim’s cheeks and upper chest are a disturbing shade of red, but they don’t comment on it, not when they can’t let go of him any more than they can let go of one another.

They bracket him easy-like so the knee under his restrained leg takes some of the pressure off, and two fingers push hard enough to make the nerve clusters blissfully silent instead of radiating to his pain receptors.

His face is nestled in the crook of his boy’s neck, those long fingers rubbing soothing circles on the back of his neck while they all ignore the shamefully wet hitches in his breathing.

His grip is tight in Tim’s hair again, his shaky hand scratching against Baby Bird’s scalp to punctuated the point.

I was a heavy heart to carry

But he never let me down

When he held me in his arms

My feet never touched the ground

And it’s a crazy thing, one that strikes him at dark places where he stores the old pain and remorse, how he never thought he’d be worth this kind of grief. How no one would be stupid enough to mourn a piece of shit like him. A stupid punk-ass what got himself offed.

But while his phone lights up with worried texts from Roy and Kory, while B is on his boy’s comm demanding to know the Red Hood didn’t bite the big one again, while Alfred is stress baking and B is pleading for them to put him on so Alf will just chill the fuck out, while Timmy grips him, nuzzles a warm nose into his cold jugular, and his boy holds him in the present, those dark corners get...just a little bit of light.

Not too much to taint the darkness in his soul, just a slice enough so he can see how bright and white it is, so he can remember how warm it was to move into the first time, so he doesn’t have to be as afraid when the next time inevitably rolls around again.

I’m so heavy…

So heavy in your arms...

☁ Have you ever forgiven a partner when you shouldn't have?

Salt Meme

As a matter of fact, I have, though thankfully it wasn’t in this fandom, but one I only recently trundled back to, and one from way back that I don’t think I’m ever going to be going back to for a number of reasons.

Oddly enough, this person from the very old fandom wasn’t even a part of the fandom I was in. It was a crossover type thing, and the first crossover I’d ever written. But there was a lot of vagueblogging on her part whenever I did anything they didn’t like. And by that, I mean the dash was flooded with posts saying that ‘this person’ didn’t ship things like they thought they did, TAGGED WITH OUR CHARACTERS, and going on to complain ON THE DASH to her mutuals that ‘some person’ (still tagged with our ship) was making their anxiety and depression worse. My crime? I didn’t have my muse kiss theirs within thirty in-reply minutes (tops; probably less) of them first meeting. I ended up fanmailing them saying it wasn’t that I didn’t ship them, it’s just that I wanted to take it slow, and after that they went back to acting like we were best friends while spamming my inbox with messages about their wedding.

I wish I was joking.

It’s also worth noting that I was a teenager, and the other person was, according to their rules page, in their twenties. This only happened one or two more times before I blocked them, but the more I thought about about it, the more I kind of wished I got out sooner, but at the same time, I’m just glad I got out at all.

The other person was in a bigger fandom, and they were writing with some other people I know and consider friends. They introduced themselves by messaging me right after they followed, saying, ‘Hi, I’m [person I’m still good friends with]’s friend! [They] recommended your blog to me, so I thought I’d say hi! My name’s [name]!” … Or something along that vein. Introduced themselves, added that they’d heard about me from a mutual friend, and that was the last normal conversation I had with them, outside of a few attempts at plotting. 

This person would come into my IMs at odd hours and just complain to me. I didn’t even really know this person’s name, and they would just dump their life problems in the IMs. Like how their best friend was stressed in college, so they were not gonna contact her by their own choice, but now they were sad and missed her and anxious and yeah, I get that that sucks, but I was a complete stranger? And they’d go on and on and I could hardly get a word in edgewise. Whenever I did manage to say anything and try to comfort them or offer advice, they’d shut me down, give lists of reasons why my suggestions wouldn’t work, and go back to complaining at me. This happened literally all of the time, it was all they’d talk to me about. They also really liked hounding me about being agender, too? I’ll give an example of this in a bit.

I feel like I should clarify, here, that I enjoy helping my friends with their problems. I like being a shoulder to cry on. But the emphasis is on ‘my friends’. People I am comfortable with. I would also appreciate some warning? Even just a ‘hey, can I vent to you for a sec?’ at least lets me get in the right mindset to be able to deal with this sort of thing. I got no warning from this person. It’s also nice to talk about something else from time to time? But, no, it was just a constant stream of negativity from them. I’m being completely serious when I say I couldn’t make a single post on either of my blogs without them messaging me. It was actually kind of terrifying, to say the least. Had to start developing a routine based on when they were usually offline to avoid being harassed. 

It didn’t take me too long to consider blocking them, because of the outpouring of negativity, but also because they kept dropping threads without telling me, then talking about how I was ignoring them, to me, and THEN requesting starters and completely ignoring ALL THREE OF THE STARTERS i’D JUST WRITTEN THEM, and THEN saying they were too lazy or kept forgetting to look the starters up? But I was the one who was ignoring them. The day I was first about to block them, they message me about how their friends are all blocking them. I briefly wonder if they’re a telepath. They say, after a very long rant, something along the lines of ‘but at least I have you, Jay. You’d never do that, you’re my best friend. I’m lucky to have you’. And on the one hand, I’m thinking, you know, what the hell, since when were we best friends? And I know that sounds mean, but I’d barely spoken to them, both because they never listened and because I was super uncomfortable talking to them; we barely interacted IC because they kept dropping threads and outright ignoring things I’d write for them; I never made an effort to contact them since the conversation was always focused solely on how bad their life was; We’d only been in contact for a month or two, tops, and it took about a year for Rodi and I (or my irl highschool best friend, Hannah, and I) to get to True BFF Level; Never once did they show any concern for me, or really anyone aside from themselves; Honestly, I’m kind of surprised they even knew my name. But I’m their best friend, apparently, and now of course I feel super guilty, because I was about to block them, and now I was the bad guy.

Oh, and to add on to all this, they forced headcanons on my muse. Once again, I feel like I need to clarify: I love people bouncing headcanons off me. If you think Braig would like XY thing, tell me; If you have an idea of a scenario for our muses together, send me it, I’d love to hear it. I’ll even reblog that ‘tell me your headcanons for my muse’ meme. I love it.

What this person did was different. This person, without asking, conferring with me, or even giving me any warning, they decided my muse was a child abuser. I don’t think I need to elaborate on why that was a bad thing. This went against my headcanons, contradicted canon at some points, and made no sense to me, but apparently my muse was now a child abuser. Eugh.

Oh, and before I give a brief run-down on what finally prompted me to block this person, I feel it’s worth mentioning that when we’d first started talking, I’d just turned eighteen, and they were twenty-one. 

Anyway, so the straw that finally sucker-punched the camel in the jaw was when they messaged me after A Day. I was tired, hungry, had been in class all morning and in line at the campus book store for half an hour, and my arms were loaded down with textbooks. I was sort of struggling through tumblr for something to do, but typing was pretty hard. This person swings into my IMs and starts a suspiciously normal conversation - Actually asks me about school, what my major is, etc etc. I’m giving one-word replies for the most part, both because I’m not in the most social mood (and I’m not comfortable with this person to begin with), and because I don’t have the hands free to type long sentences anyway. But I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, this person has turned over a new leaf. Maybe I was right for giving them so many chances. And then, in the middle of the conversation, zero warning, they say:

“Are you out to your family, yet?”

And I’m just stunned. I had no idea how to respond. After a minute or more of me just staring, not answering, they add, ‘can I ask that?’, and I had no idea what to say in return aside from something like ‘no, I’m not, and I don’t know if I ever will be’, hoping to end the conversation. This person then starts complaining at me for not being out, because they wanted help with getting their family to remember their pronouns. I offered some suggestions anyways, those were all ignored, and out came more rants about how terrible their life was. 

I blocked them not long after, after speaking to two close friends who agreed that I probably should’ve done so earlier.

So, yeah, those are the two instances that come to mind. I’m a bit more careful with who I chill with, now, and I’ve learned to be pretty blunt when shutting this stuff down, so it hasn’t happened since. \o/

Ep. 2 - “THIS ROUND HAS BEEN SHITE” - Louise

Ay I'm the longest lasting Australian.

That's cute @ the other tribe voting out Roxy. See this is what I forgot about games where I don't like or care about anyone in said game; there's way more motivation to get rid of the fuckwits. Judging from that tribal video, I think I've found a nice selection of them. The worst mistake they'll make is not getting rid of me premerge, because if I get there, they'll be having a hard time getting rid of me. There's a pretty distinct reason that I've made final four seven times in a row for my past seven ORGs, three of which were wins and one was runner-up. I'm going to burn them all, and when I'm done, I'll roast some marshmallows over the coals.

I'm honestly bored so we should swap so I can make someone cry or something so they can feel a little bit of what Roxy's feeling.

I wonder if any alliances are forming in the tribe. If they are they're pretty stupid because early alliances never work out. I mean quite frankly, alliances at all don't work out. Playing a solo game gets you to the end 90% of the time, at least in my case. There's probably random little chats like the one Cole made with Louise and I, but I wonder if people have like, fully fledged plans. 

I don't know why I keep putting these in seperate things when I'm just randomly ranting but oh well. I really don't care that I'm cocky about the game because quite frankly I'm not here to suddenly jump in bed with the tumblr community. I couldn't give two shits about it because this is the only tumblr org I'm ever going to do so I might as well make the most of it and fuck with stuff since I don't ever do that in other games. I'm looking to enjoy my time here, not to win. If I win in the process then that's cool, it wouldn't be the first time it's happened just from messing with people with no end goal. I'm honestly just excited to be playing a game that I don't have to hold back on anything. It'll either end up with me getting to final tribal council where people won't want to vote for me or I'll be out early, but either way, it'll be fun.

So I forgot to add this in my last round, but I wound up creating an alliance with myself, Drew, Cameron, Jill and Sam known as the Court Room: Pepperoni vs Sausage because we were talking about court rooms and attorney jokes because we love sharing facts in the main chat for fun. I feel like all of us will stay together for the majority of the pre-merge and if something changes, well then that blows then! Otherwise, this game is going decently. I seem to be liked by everyone and I don't want anything about that to change. 

Um I love when my tribe wins and I really like working with people!!!! My alliance is bad ass and like they do sm more than I do hahahaha i should prob look for an idol!! I'll post more later I promise

Oh helloooooo!! So I just realized I didn’t do a confessional last round because I forgot it was a round because we won immunity but like someone still went home, SO I apologize for that!! But moving on, the past is in the past, I’m so freaking nervous! I’ve had some conversations with people but I don’t REALLY know where everyone stands with me like people aren’t gonna be outwardly rude to me and none of our conversations have seemed to evolve past just talking about ourselves / getting to know each other besides Arika. So I’m hoping with the rest of today I can do my best to work myself into some type of place that I don’t go home and I’m not gonna be here for tribal due to work so I really have to work hard to make sure whatever I can make happen sticks for the like 3 hours I’ll be at work before tribal because I’ll only have so much time to use to check back in. No idea really WHO I want to like put my vote onto I’m kinda hoping there’s already some name(s) our there that I haven’t heard but who knows. I always think the worst case scenario so there could have been absolutely NO game played thus far for the vote but I’m just gonna assume everyone hates me and is talking a bunch without me :)))) paranoia for the win!! Wish me luck

So we went to tribal and Roxy went home. That's not really my first choice because she trusted me and I was her number 1 apparently, but I went with majority and voted her out. By going along with the plan to get rid of Roxy I found myself in a power alliance of Constance, Jill, Cameron and Drew. I really like all of these people and am working on developing relationships with everyone in my alliance.

We won immunity, thanks to me and my quick google fingers and my never ending useless (but not anymore!) medical terminology knowledge. Also, did you know gallbladder was one word? I did, but I guess I forgot. Oopsies!

Haven’t talked to many people, spooked for tribal 

I have...not much to say. I’m so bad with confessionals tbh I never want to write down everything that’s going on. I’m happy to be safe. Hope everything goes well on my tribe tonight. That’s all.

Um Im scared for tribal because I don’t really know many people yet but I hope I can pull through this 

I'm glad our tribe won immunity! I feel good that I've made it past two rounds in this game. I'd like to think that my alliance on Cadejo will hold up as we progress but you can never be so sure! Nothing negative to say! 

Honestly I'm probably on the bottom of my tribe because i suck and idk what to do but Jill is my number 1 and jay is my number 2 and ya I like Cameron but idk who else I really care for like do i care about any of them truly

THIS ROUND HAS BEEN SHITE no one talks to me I only love Cole Kevin and AJ tbh and I haven’t been active but I’m in bumfuck NOWHERE in Scotland which means I can’t talk strat and I’m upset so if I get voted out before I have a chance to actually play I’m gonna shit my pants.

I love being kidnapped but this tribe barely talks lol i hope josh does go i trust cole but he said that is who he is voting not who the tribe is but possibly i don't mean i hope josh goes meanly idk the guy but he did vote in the minority when we took him idk if anyone is with him even.

i sent this confessional to the wrong confessional and just realized sadly but roxy called me a snake and i find it funny she thinks i am a snake when she was saying the others names sam never came to me about drew he didn't vote drew out you and josh did constance also wanted to keep drew we had a call he told me.

I think I'm doing well in this game but I don't have any real alliances yet. But I did help kill Roxy so that's always fun :)

Um beautiful background btw Dan!!! Also you're beautiful! ANyways, I'm sorry Joshua I sent you home..... but I didn't need you anymore sorry. I have alliances that will hopefully protect me to the end:) Me, Julia and Arika (Gays 4 Costa Rica) and Me, Louise, and AJ (Jporg Cuties). I already have set my targets for Cam, Madison, Bryan, Aj, and Drew. They are the only ones that have a chance against the (gays 4 costa rica) anyways I FOUND AN IDOL SO LIKE OWWWOWOWOWOWOWO thanks arika love ya doll.

James’ Opening Statement

Preface: I typed a LOT so in case this its a bit much for you if you want a tl;dr version just read paragraphs 3/5/6/last paragraph and then skim through the rest for any details you might want to know :P Hi everyone, in theory I am going to try and keep this somewhat succinct/brief but I may or may not start to rant so we'll see how that goes. To start this off (even if its a bit cheesy) I want to say that I thoroughly enjoyed this game and thought it was loads of fun dealing with everyone playing the game their own way. With that being said, coming into the game my overall general strategy was always to take things one day at a time, I think the saying I tend to live by when playing games is to "play with the cards you are dealt with" which definitely applied to this game. I may not have been the most talkative person who always was at the top of the totem pole, but I think one of my major strengths in this game was identifying the key opportunities that I needed to take advantage of to slowly claw my way up the ranks and GOING FOR IT in those key moments. The pre-merge for me was pretty similar to that of the rest of the final 3. I tried my best in every challenge to make sure we never even had to go to tribal and was a pretty solid contributor to make sure I avoided tribal, which, with a bit of good fortune found, me in the possession of 4 idols and an exile ticket. Tyler was one of my closer allies in the game at that point and so when we went to tribal I knew that it was a great opportunity for us 2 to try and take control of the tribe. I used my exile ticket and gave him an idol and told him to vote for who he liked. My thinking was: ok either he is gonna get someone out and then we have room to work with in the future or he is gonna flush all the idols and then I will be fine in the game. In hindsight it didn't amount to much because he was evacuated immediately at merge but it did showcase my willingness to put myself out there when the moment was right. Once merge hit I knew I was going to probably be an outsider sort of presence which to me was not the worst possible scenario. Knowing I had idols I figured receiving votes within the first couple rounds was not that bad at all. So I laid a bit low while connecting with AJ who quickly became my closest ally in the game. From this point on we shared EVERYTHING (almost hehe) with each other and we had a mutual understanding to stick CLOSE with each other which benefited the two of us greatly. During those first 4 rounds I had varying degrees of exact to moderate amounts of information that included my name being thrown around every round. My thinking was "okay I am not about to go home with multiple idols" and I was lowkey thinking of going to the merge just using them all one after the other anyways so there wasn't TOO much doubt when it came to not using them. Going back to AJ we made sure to stress to each other that the alliance needed to stay SECRET and so we were constantly downplaying each other to everyone in our convos and were paranoid that people were onto us at all times. Moving on from that, another key bond that I made early in the merge was Austin. We bonded pretty quick (and even though the Brandon vote was a mess as we didn't vote together) it was fun to have someone to run elaborate scenarios and always scheme with. Whereas with AJ it was all business with Austin it was always a bit more fun. We became an underrated force in the game but at the same time I knew I needed to the smaller target of the two until the numbers turned around for us (which never panned out before austin was booted ;_;). This benefited me because even when I did not necessarily have the flat out numbers to get things done, there was always a stream of information not only from AJ but also from Austin to the point where I knew a lot of what was going on behind the scenes. Maybe a little bit more than people gave me credit for at the time. This strategy of keeping my TRUE intentions only to myself is another important key to my game that was more of a subtle tactic that worked wonders for me. While I was being genuine with AJ and Austin 90% of the time and truly enjoyed being allies with them the only person who truly knew what I was thinking at any time was ME. With my sort of mindset and approach to the game sort of explained, I am going to go through what was going through my head each round/couple of rounds if you were curious about any in particular/don't want to read it all: -Early merge my first opportunity to really make a dent in the game came at the Connor vote. I viewed him as a pretty strong ally on the side of Bodhi/Billy/Aj/Jay and so that vote made sense for me. I knew Brandon was voting him anyways as we were brought together after being on the wrong side of the Jordan vote so that would also account for any stray votes. -Brandon vote: I will admit this is one of the rounds where I had limited knowledge of what was going on. At this point Austin told me that Eva had a legacy advantage and that she gave him an idol. At the same time AJ was trying to keep up with all the names being thrown around all while Austin tells me "surprise! I gave my idol to Renee =D". Within an hour before tribal Austin comes up to me and tells me he is voting AJ and has some numbers while simultaneously AJ makes up a counter plan to vote Brandon and tries to collect numbers. I had to decide between my alliance with Brandon (and also Austin) and cutting AJ loose. In the end I figured I could hopefully salvage my relationship with Austin and save AJ since he was a huge asset for me at that point and so I sided with him and voted out Brandon. -Jay vote: I came clean to Austin about voting Brandon and we re-secured each other's trust when we both admitted to each other we still had idols left. We then decided together who would be the best option to vote and decided on Jay as he was a huge player left in the game and was extremely well connected in our eyes.

-Matt: This was another sort of last minute influx of info but I did more or less know the vote was for Matt. When my name was the one thrown around I did go to AJ and tried to get him to suggest Matt knowing he was MIA. Whether or not it sorta happened by itself or me and AJ's plotting was the spark isn't really known to me but I survived which was the main goal! However, one thing I did gain from this was that I knew AJ would be hesitant to just up and ditch his alliance for me as he ended up voting for Matt which did come into play later on. -Austin: This was the probably the one merge round where I was COMPLETELY in the dark. I had an inkling that a split might happen but I had no information to back it up so I decided to just go with me and Austin's plan instead of voting for him. -Billy: This was the round where I really came into my own and took control of my own game in my eyes. Pretty much my immunity win changed what might have been an easy vote in a lot of minds into a hard one. With that Billy and Brandon approached me and asked me what I was thinking. Bluntly I said "I'd be fine doing Bodhi" viewing him as the biggest threat and thinking I had nothing to lose. Surprisingly they both said yes and went to AJ with that same idea. However, I was not shocked at all when I heard that they had decided among themselves, along with Bodhi, to vote Eva. This was strange to me because they were only 4/8 of the players in the game. I pressed AJ and asked him "What? That's only 4?" "WHY are the so comfortable" and he told me that Andrei was apparently afk with a Billy vote locked in and they were relying on that as well as me throwing my vote on Bodhi. At that moment in time in my head I was like "okay... wait hold on" and I KNEW that was the opportunity to make my move. I went straight to Renee and Eva without telling AJ at ALL and within a couple hours we were all on the same page to vote Billy. I was relying on the fact that Andrei couldnt change his vote while being afk and I could strong-arm AJ at tribal to change his vote. (even tho Andrei showed up and caused a bit of chaos in the chat of me/renee/eva) AJ did in fact change his vote and BAM all it took was one round to completely shift the dynamics of the game in my favor.

-Andrei: This round was a bit conflicting for me because I did not intent to betray Renee/Eva and Andrei after just 1 round. However I remembered that Eva had the legacy advantage and thinking back the fact that Andrei was voting Billy before I joined up with them got me thinking about how close they were to each other. If there was a possibility that they were a 3-some all it would take was one of them winning immunity and then along with the legacy advantage they could force rocks essentially being auto safe. The risk of having them 3 being auto 3 out of the final 5 was too much for me so I put it all out there to Bodhi and we got on the same page along with AJ to vote for Andrei while taking advantage of Brandon voting Bodhi and then we would have numbers in the revote -Renee: This is probably where I starting thinking about the end-game. Renee I saw as a big threat and voting her off would set me and AJ up perfectly to link up with either Brandon or Bodhi depending on who won immunity. -Bodhi: With Eva winning immunity you were by far the biggest threat left in the game at this point. I viewed you very much as a leader and strong member of your alliance early merge when we didn't talk much and then during the rounds we joined forced really solidified that thought in my mind when we ran scenarios together. -AJ: At this point my choice was mainly between AJ and Eva. Whether or not it works out for me remains to be seen but I saw AJ as having been VERY social and having a lot of bonds with so many different players that he would have so many jury votes scooped up before the questioning even began. I was super conflicted because we were such close allies the entire merge and we were really in it together through the thick and thin. I was thinking "well if I take AJ I probably have a slightly less chance of winning but at least if I lose it will be to him" but even now my goal was always to play to win so I had to make the move. I told Eva I was saving her with like an hour left before tribal and then my mom needed me before tribal which is why AJ was shocked since I was planning to tell him at the last second but that kinda fell out the window ;_; (sorry) So yea, I definitely ranted A LOT but to sum it up I took this game on a day by day basis for the most part. I took a "cards you are dealt with" approach to the game and while I might not have been a social butterfly, and had some idols to my disposal, my intuition and decision making set me up to the point where I was able to survive without them. I made it here without EVER being voted off, with 8 out of the 11 merge rounds going my way which is the most out of the final three. I believe I have played a strong under the radar/reactive game until it was too late to take me out where I took more of a lead/proactive role. Whatever questions you have I will answer them fully to the best of my ability, thank you all and good luck to my fellow finalists Eva and Brandon!

Album of the Year #10: JAY Z - 4:44

Album of the Year #10: JAY Z - 4:44

Artist: JAY Z

Album: 4:44

Listen:

Apple Music

TIDAL

Background

Throughout all of Jay Z’s past albums, we've come to understand and love this character known for his drug dealing, no-strings-attached sex, and excessive wealth (Jay built his Roc-A-Fella dynasty, became CEO of Def Jam Recordings, and achieved so much more due to his ability to hustle). This character being Jay Z, Hov, Jigga, but not Shawn Carter. Although there have certainly been instances of him being personal in the past (selling drugs to his mother, shooting his brother, feeling responsible for his nephews death, and so on), the large majority of his music has been braggadocio. Magna Carta Holy Grail, his previous album (from 2013), spent almost an hour telling us about his love for riches. Whether that be his collection of Basquiat paintings, designer clothes, or liquor preferences, by the end… well we got the point. Although it did touch on serious topics here and there, it was far from what a 40 year old father would sound fitting discussing. The party-friendly, trap-influenced, attempt at mainstream pandering was about as interesting as watching paint dry. And not even a Basquiat at that.

Now fast forward to 2017. In the time span between 2013 and now, Solange (his sister-in-law), was caught hitting him in an elevator. Then his once close friend, Kanye West, ranted against him. And finally, his wife, Beyonce, made an entire album about him supposedly cheating on her. With controversy at a high surrounding Jay’s respectability, everyone was hungry to hear what he had to say. Curiosity began peaking when billboards and sign began appearing with nothing more that the the numbers “4:44”. It wasn’t much longer until more went up with a date (6.30.17) and a name, JAY Z. No one knew what to expect from a 2017 Jay album, but it’s safe to say he surpassed any and all that prefaced him.

Review

10 seconds into the appropriately titled first track, “Kill Jay Z”, we’re faced with these lines:

Kill Jay Z, they'll never love you

You'll never be enough, let's just keep it real, Jay Z

Fuck Jay Z, I mean, you shot your own brother

First thing off the bat, Jay is dismembering his persona and taking a more self-aware approach. Eric Carter did survive the bullet, and Jay was only a child when this instance took place, but we can see his past mistakes still haunts him to this day. It appears as though he’s still learning how to live with his regrets. What makes “Kill Jay Z” so transparent is that in the process of examining his mistakes and how needs to change, he attacks the ego that has helped him to achieve so much. It’s only fitting he opens up so much on the opening track. Soon after these lines he goes onto discuss how he must change for his children, his tears, pain, regret, and how the mentality he once needed for hustling is no longer necessary. He touches on his relationship with longtime friend and collaborator, Kanye West, and ultimately we can see they’re not in a good place. He ends the song on a few lines referencing how he ‘almost went Eric Benét’, Eric had continually cheated on Halle Berry, giving us a quick glimpse at a very prevalent regret Jay currently has that we will learn most about on the album's title track. Jay’s reflective lyrics flow incredibly well over the soulful (yet modern) No ID production. No ID handles all the production on the album, and each beat is fantastic and perfect for Jay’s crafting. His drums, sample flips, everything, No ID is a legend and absolutely kills it.

A smooth mix of piano and vocal sample (of the legendary Nina Simone) begin “The Story of O.J.”, before Jay comes in discussing the labels that have been attributed to black people in various places of society. The simply worded hook has so much to offer. It shows that people want to separate themselves from molds, but that despite this, due to experiences related to skin colour, there continues to be a common thread and underlying sense of unity. Jay takes 2 perspectives in order to urge people not to abandon recognition of their race, as being aware will help to bring change moreso. This negative viewpoint of his can be seen in this line (most importantly his reaction, listen to how he says it):

O.J. like, "I'm not black, I'm O.J." …okay

The first verse has Jay speaking to what could represent his younger south and many black youth today. He encourages drug dealers to stop before it’s too late and invest their earnings in wise and legitimate ways. The 2nd (and final) verse continues to further discuss how Jay has spent money wisely and also where he wishes he had. Ultimately, Jay wants to help those less-advantaged black youth to become successful like he has, and to live a full life. The goal is to paint himself as a healthy role model but also one that can admit his mistakes, to promote the best choices he can. And for such a race related song, the Simone sample is perfect. “The Story of O.J.” is a great song to show Jay’s growth in maturity, and the beat is especially fitting to this growth.

Jay’s first lines on “Smile” are continuing from where “The Story of O.J.” left off, further discussing his rags to riches and wealth. But it’s right after these first few lines Jay discusses a more personal insight towards his life, with these lines:

Mama had four kids, but she's a lesbian

Had to pretend so long that she's a thespian

Had to hide in the closet, so she medicate

Society shame and the pain was too much to take

Cried tears of joy when you fell in love

Jay is going beyond talking about the challenges gays face and allowing us to see how they have impacted his mother. Society would’ve condemned her for being attracted to the same sex. So, she tried for many years to change and act as if she were straight. This moment serves as another great example of Jay’s personal growth, as he used to use homophobic insults in songs such as “Takeover” and “N- What, N- Who (Originator 99)”. Jay goes on to discuss being loyal, his wealth, overcoming obstacles, Funkmaster Flex, and uses his pen-free abilities to craft great wordplay that Hov is known for. He’s showing happiness for his success, for his mom, and for life, which is only right for a song titled “Smile”. ID did a great job with the catchy Stevie Wonder flip and the song ends with a beautiful poem from Gloria, Jay’s mother. She spreads a positive message that encourages people to be happy with who they are, which is very appropriate based on all she had gone through. I believe it’s the 2nd time she has appeared on a Jay album (first being on The Black Album), and is a great way to close a great song.

“Caught In Their Eyes” has a more happy beat backing Jay. He uses his first verse to describe his struggles growing up and paints a portrait of those who oppose him. All while using some great wordplay. For instance:

I seen eyes wide as they're about to shoot

You can be a hairpin off and you can trigger your roots

On the surface level he’s describing the ways people lived and how they acted, and beyond that is another entendre about Questlove and the legendary Roots. Another line I really like is:

Y'all body language is all remedial

How could you see the difference between you and I?

The first meaning being the literal, that you can’t fathom how many leagues Hov is above you. But also it sounds like the literal letters ‘U’ and ‘I’. Then on top of that, the previous line ended on ‘remedial’, so you expect him to end the following line in the same scheme. This is no mistake, as ‘me and you’ could work easily in ‘you and I’’s place. His change of lyrics makes the words stand out more and is proper English, which could be a play on ‘language’ in ‘body language’. The whole first verse also has a theme of the human body throughout it, body language, hair, his cheek, and at least 3 references to eyes. It’s a short but very interesting and dense verse. Following it, Frank Ocean lends a small and curious hook, touching on the topic of Solipsism and determining what’s real. He claims he’s ready for Earth. Now I’m not certain of what the exact meaning of the hook is and I don’t want to take too big of stretches, but it’s possible it’s too show that the speaker of the song is more real (in a sense of loyalty and principles) than everyone. So much so that he feels as though everything else is literally fiction. Jay uses the 2nd verse to discuss how Londell McMillan (whom he names specifically) screwed over both Jay and Prince’s wished in regards to Prince’s music on streaming services. Despite Prince giving TIDAL (and only TIDAL) permission to use his music, McMillan sued Jay after Prince died in order to gain full control of Prince’s music. He describes the greed that exists in the record industry and ends the verse continuing on the theme of those who oppose him, referencing his ending friendship with Kanye. All of this sounds great over the groovy Nina Simone-sampled beat. I also really like the voice effects on Frank and Jay, it gives a really interesting texture to the song that makes the incredibly smooth beginning of the next track contrast beautifully.

“4:44”, the title track to the album, is in my opinion the most important song to the album. Honestly, I hesitated doing a review on this album because doing this song justice is no easy task. It’s grown to be one of my favourite Jay tracks and my song of the year. But nonetheless I will try!

Do I find it so hard

When I know in my heart

I'm letting you down every day

Letting you down every day

Why do I keep on running away?

No ID opens the song with an incredibly introspective piece of foreshadowing. From this 24 second intro, a red carpet is rolled out for Jay to give us opening lines that speak to us. And he does so with:

Look, I apologize, often womanize

Took for my child to be born, see through a woman's eyes

After years of tracks like Big Pimpin, Girls Girls Girls, Ain’t No N-, On To The Next One, 2 Many Hoes… well you get the idea, he opens up this track with lines that directly oppose and regret such a mindset (and lifestyle). 2017 is the year we saw Jay Z the feminist (at least on this song), and I for one love the growth. Jay not only regrets womanizing, but regrets how he treated his wife Beyonce (asking her not to embarrass him, for instance). He mentions begs Beyonce to pick up the phone and the vocal effect on his voice almost reminds me of a phone call, not sure if that was an intentional connection or not (but it certainly enhances my enjoyment regardless). He goes on to describe Beyonce maturing faster than him, dealing with multiple stillborns (when Jay performed this song live on SNL he actually didn’t say ‘stillborn’ because of the pain), treating her poorly in public, his terrible attempts at being a respectable husband (“I suck at love, I think I need a do-over”), and most notably, his unfaithfulness. As Jay and Beyonce grew apart and desolate from the stillborns, he went to find affection through cheating (I read this in a Genius annotation and haven't been able to verify the timeline so take with a grain of salt). This ripped them further apart, and in verse 3 he describes how a threesome resulted in him almost losing his family (also worth noting it lead to Beyonce’s album Lemonade). He goes a step further in his regret to consider how his children will react to these things (seeing the falsehoods in his father as a hero), once they inevitably do through others via the internet or write-ups (hopefully not this one!). As the song climaxes to this realization, the sample hits harder than ever with the words “I’m never gonna treat you like I should”. The roaring beat and verses make for a truly moving dynamic. Raw emotion is dripping in every aspect here. No I.D. brought out the most regretful and personal side of Shawn Carter. The soulful production, emotional vocals, and brutally honest lyrics makes this song not only one of Jay's best, but most wise. The moment it begins, it demands your attention. You don't have to worry about any fools skimming through this one, Jay.

“Family Feud” begins with Beyonce, which is perfect for the next song on the album. No ID sampled her vocals throughout the beat and her singing with Jay shows us there is always hope (especially after the previous song). Showing hope for relationships is a vital theme to the song, which we’ll see soon. Jay is back to a more confident approach in offering his wisdom. He spends his first verse talking about being successful, exploring religion, and sends a subliminal shot at Drake (“All this old talk left me confused / You'd rather be old rich me or new you?”). He also criticizes certain fans of old school hip hop for their judgements of new school hip hop fashion. Throughout the song wealth is discussed, but now strictly in braggadocio. He want’s to support fellow black peoples in their endeavours, in order to help revolt against black people being less-advantaged as a result of skin colour. This can be shown with:

I'll be damned if I drink some Belvedere while Puff got CÎROC

And throughout the song he says:

Nobody wins when the family feuds

In this case, family is referring to fellow black people. He advises unity and support will help communities, and bring more equality to society. In his Rap Radar interview, he mentions how as you go up in the world of success, there are less and less blacks. He uses his wealth as a goal for others to reach and encourages they do so through helping one and other. The song is both critical of older and newer generations with lines like:

Al Sharpton in the mirror takin' selfies

How is him or Pill Cosby s'posed to help me?

Old n***** never accepted me

And

New n***** is the reason I stopped drinkin' Dos Equis

This attempts to display the different mentalities. He continually mentions that 2 billions is better than 1, representing new and old generations (and his marriage as well). The message is this: put aside your differences and work as a team, because nobody wins when the family feuds.

For the past 24 minutes and 1 seconds, we have seen “Kill Jay Z” in place, essentially abandoning the persona that lead to his success. But there is a change of pace during the duration of “Bam” that makes it so exciting. The first words from Jay (and a reference to “Public Service Announcement”, from TBA) tell you exactly what I mean:

Fuck all this pretty Shawn Carter shit nigga, HOV

The aggressive nature of the line and Damian Marley’s chorus set the song up for Jay to come through to set records straight, and that he does. Dehaven was a drug dealer Jay worked with back in his hustling pre-music days. On social media, Dehaven has routinely claimed Jay never really did much hustling and was a mere runner. Hov spends part of his first verse shooting this down, claiming if he was only a runner he wouldn’t had’ve became the success he is now (as his music and clothing ventures cost a lot to begin). He goes onto explains that his nice side, Shawn, used to be in ‘flight mode’, as he was completely in the Jay Z mindset. This was the side of him that got him to be so wealthy (and continues to push him). Verse 2 is only 12 bars long, but is coated with references and entendres. He uses Rae Sremmurd, Bobby Shmurda, Nat Turner, Kanye, Black Sheep, and even the fact that he skips leg day, all to brag to us in the most clever ways. The mention of Rae and Bobby also could tie back to “Family Feud”, as it’s touching on the theme of newschool rappers. The hard hitting street reggae provide Jay with the perfect backdrop for him to use his ego for good and let people know he’s not fabricated.

The title of “Moonlight” is a reference to the film by the same name. It famously was confused with La La Land at the most recent Academy Awards, which Jay references in the hook of “Moonlight”. What makes the film Moonlight noteworthy is that it is the first film to win a Grammy for Best Picture that features an all black class, as well as the first LGBT movie to do the same. Moonlight is special because it excels without being like every other popular movie. The song “Moonlight” is asking rappers to apply this same principle to their artistry, as many popular rap acts aren’t experimenting or pushing the boundaries creativity-wise. Jay isn’t impressed:

Y'all got the same fuckin' flows

I don't know who is who

Jay pokes fun at the skrrt adlib (used by popular trap acts), how artists use the internet to snitch on themselves (for image), and how many of them not only make the same music, but share the same image. It particularly annoys Jay at the ego many of these artists share:

Stop walkin' around like y'all made Thriller, huh?

Jay also references how many rappers are signing to their first label offers, and specifically mentions how Lauryn Hill struggled with labels. This is a fitting choice of reference as the song samples Fu-Gee-La. Which gives the chorus’s use of La La Land 3 meanings:reference to film, reference to sample, and reference to artists being ignorant about their quality of music. Jay’s career proves you can make yourself successful without a label’s early on help, whilst innovating and making non formulaic music. This song alone pushes boundaries, in topics for sure, but instrumentally the beat is constantly changing and adjusting (which can be said for 4:44’s production as a whole, in fact). Even his flow is unique, in how he sways his words without ever sticking to one rhythm. He also lived the criminal life many artists use for their image. This gives his words on these topics more respect than otherwise. The song ends criticizing labels for their treatment of artists, mentioning specific CEO’s, in hopes this will sway young artists. Chance, Nas, Lupe, and tons more in the rap industry alone have contributed to this argument all the same. Time will tell if their message and “Moonlight”’s will have an influence or not. Hopefully a healthy change will be made.

Marcy Me is a song made to reflect on his past by tracing out homages to his influences and heroes. Before I break down his lyrics, I gotta say Jay’s flow is as good as it ever has been and the piano/drums/vocal-sample/etc work so well with it. This sample is so obscure on some Madlib type style too (“Todo o mundo e ninguém” By Quarteto 1111, from 1970, if anyone’s curious). Onto the rest of the song! The title alone pays respect to the legendary Marvin Gaye and his track Mercy Me. Then the intro is a Biggie quotation that ends before bragging about sex, which is appropriate for the album and it’s apologetic tones. From there, we see mentions of Jam Master Jay (of Run-DMC, RIP), Dennis Rodman, Michael Jordan, Tichina Arnold (an actress on Martin), Denzel Washington, Slick Rick, and Lisa Bonet. And that’s just within the 1st verse. What’s significant about the nostalgia-riddled details is that each of them helped give a young Shawn hope in Marcy, Brooklyn. He describes marcy with:

I'm from Marcy Houses, where the boys die by the thousand These role models let him keep his head up despite his environment, and because he had hope, he was able to be ambitious, ultimately leading to the development of the Jay Z character that this album has previously explored. We learned earlier that he created Hov as a means to succeed, and we now learn that Hov was able to exist in the first place largely due to the success of other black people. Inspiration was a key factor to his success. Verse 2 has Jay reflecting on his rags to riches story, touching on topics such as cocaine, murderers, areas of Marcy, and rappers that have passed (“rappers turned murals”) or influenced him. Jay sounds confident and relaxed simultaneously. Verse 2 is the definition of ‘cool, calm, and collected’. To end the song, The-Dream (who is way too underrated, just saying) sings a slower outro about remaining true to oneself. It’s a beautiful way to end such a well-constructed strong.

“Legacy” begins with a voice recording of his daughter asking what a will is. Jay uses this to explore how his wealth will benefit his kids and so on, and to explore how family history has impacted his life as well. The word ‘legacy’ refers to the wealth left in a will, as well as the aftermath of a predecessor (which can be from a will but not necessarily). The song explores both sides of the coin. The opening verse is more directed as an answer to his daughter’s initial question, talking about how TIDAL, Roc Nation, Ace of Spades, D’USSE, and such business ventures will go onto support his kids and relatives extensively. This side of the song already feels like a personal discussion just between Jay and his kids about what will follow after he dies. He ends verse 1 on his goal of creating generational wealth and even talks about how blacks are discriminated against in the tech industry. Verse 2 goes into even more personal territory about how Jay’s grandfather molested his aunt (of his father’s side). He claims he may one day forgive him for these actions, but that this negative situation had a silver lining for Jay. His grandfather was a pastor, and due to this, Jay wrote off Christianity (by assuming his grand father’s actions were reflective of the religion he promoted). As a result, he explored other religions. This allowed him a diverse understanding of various sets of beliefs, influencing him to be the critical thinking and understanding person he is today. “Legacy” shows how our actions can influence many generations, and through the most personal ways possible. For such heavy messages, Jay brings hope. Hope is communicated so well through the background horns and James Fauntleroy background singing too. It’s a brilliant closer to the album (if you exclude the bonus tracks). Fun fun fact about Legacy: This song samples Donny Hathaway’s 1971 song “Someday We’ll All Be Free, which was recorded by Jimmy Douglas. Fast forward decades and Douglas mixed all of 4:44.

In order to see the reviews of the bonus tracks you must sign up with TIDAL

Just kidding! Who needs exclusivity?

“Adnis” is named after Adnis Reeves, Jay’s father (who passed away in ‘03). Adnis abandoned Jay when he was just a child (around 11 or 12). Reeves had spent less and less time at home, in hopes of finding his brother’s killer. Eventually he picked up drug addictions and left home entirely, never contacting Jay. They did meet up eventually, in 2002, and from that meeting he forgave Adnis for abandoning him. This allowed him to drop anger that he held onto for so many years and in place he was able to overcome love/trust issues. “Adnis” is ‘an open letter to [Jay’s] dad that [he] never wrote’. In a very slow flow over a very relaxed beat, Carter discusses how Reeves caused him lots of anger growing up. He mentions how he wrote about wanting to fight him, as a means of expressing that anger. He also recognized himself in stories of his father, and gave thought to how his grandfather’s malicious (previously discussed in “Legacy”) actions may have impacted Adnis. He mentions how before Adnis’ brother died, he was a good person and that he taught Jay valuable lessons. Including loving his step siblings no different than non-step siblings. It’s clear from the first verse that Adnis was a good father and a role model to Jay during some of his earliest formative years. Verse 2 mentions how despite being the youngest in his family, and despite his father’s leave, he eventually became the leader of his family. He mentions how his father reacted poorly to his uncle’s death, because according to their beliefs, his uncle was in a better place. Life was out of Adnis’ hands, instead there were bottles and needles. Despite his father becoming a terrible role model, Jay takes pride in him being a caring parent and husband. It’s a sweet note to end on after the previous more harder to swallow sorrows. Jay doesn’t shy away from talking about emotional subjects, I have no doubt this song was hard to make for him. And then to release such an open and personal song, exposing your thoughts and feelings to the public, couldn’t have been so easy. But I’m grateful he did, because “Adnis” is one of the best this year.

Blue’s Freestyle / We Family opens up with Jay’s daughter Blue spitting some straight bars about how she’s never seen a ceiling, seeking those who are innocent, and most interestingly about how everything is shakalaka. I can’t disagree with her there! It’s a cute little opener to a more light hearted sounding song. The beat has some hawaiian influence and Jay never goes to in depth, as each verse is only about 6 lines long (although there are 4 of them). In the short amount of time he does however cover a lot of ground, referencing illuminati claims, his thankfulness for his wife, celebration of heritage, black unity, drug dealing, his worldwide fans, Donald Trump (and his concerns about him), and his excessive travelling. Quite possibly the most amount of topics covered in one song when compared to any other one on the album. And in between each verse is a small hook claiming he’s part of a family. All of these topics, although seemingly unrelated, connect back to the construct of family. His illuminati controversy is because he has heritage (from family members) that roots back to the use of voodoo, he claims tauntingly. His wife is part of his family, and her heritage has played a role in shaping their kids and thus his family. Worldwide fans and black unity are alike in that they are united for a common goal that Jay is involved in, making them family. Drug dealing played a role in his success and as a result him meeting Beyonce, etc. Donald Trump concerns Jay because he cares for his fellow Americans, they’re a form of family as well. What makes this song great is the spider web Jay creates, connecting so many topics so quickly into a light sounding coherent song. And the intro is really all to perfect as an opener for it. Now we just gotta wait on Blue’s mixtape.

MaNyafaCedGod (which I’m sure Jay titled like a cap sensitive password in order to aggravate bloggers, anyone else think of that Spongebob meme?) is possibly the most underrated track on the album. It’s got a great beat change, soothing James Blake singing, and really dense honest lyrics. The first beat is real smooth with James on the keys. The first verse talks about Beyonce and Jay Z’s tour together and how it served as a means of healing for them. Among forms of coping, such as drinking, smoking, vacay, and sex. He touches on themes mentioned earlier in the album, such as the ‘what if’ thoughts of losing his kids and wife over stupid decisions he made. During the tour together Jay mentions how after he performed “Song Cry”, she’d perform “Resentment” and that this order of songs was a very real reflection of the emotions they were experiencing. Fauntleroy ends the 1st half of the song with a very poetic piece about changing out of the fear of loneliness, most likely to reflect Jay’s mindset during the aftermath of his cheating. Then the 2nd half begins with a more menacing anxious beat and Jay gives us the final verse on the album (if you’re counting bonus tracks, that is). He begins by mentioning how him and Bey would have to put on an act to look happy for media even though they were not, but that this served as an opportunity to force themselves to look for the good in life. From here, Jay continues in a more prideful and strong commentary in regards to his marriage. He says that they get each other, and will always have one and other through all. He compares their relationship to kintsukuroi, a Japanese method of fixing broken pottery by using gold as a bind, resulting in a more beautiful piece. In a similar sense, his marriage is better than ever despite the obstacles it faced. He believes that all these challenges have happened because of forces that are beyond his control, and that people must do their best to handle every situation. He gives us the advice his mother gave him, and that is to never go to bed mad at a loved one. Rather talk out the issues and get peace of mind, sound advice from a guy who’s been through so much.

And that is the final song on the project. To conclude, 4:44 is a brilliant album that dives deep into Jay’s most heart-wrenching thoughts and with them comes mature responses. No ID (with some help from James Fauntleroy and occasional sample recommendations from Hov) brings this out in Jay with soul sampling beats that come off nostalgic yet unique, like an updated version of The Blueprint. The verses,the beats, the vocals, the mixing, everything, is done in a way that translates into a feeling of being personal. It’s personal, it’s mature, it’s revealing, it’s emotional, it’s soothing, it’s therapeutic. It extensively covers so much ground in so little time. 4:44 is not only my favourite album of 2017, but one of Jay’s best albums yet.

Favorite Lyrics

I'm surprised you ain't auction off the casket

Caught In Their Eyes

Y'all on the 'Gram holdin' money to your ear

There's a disconnect, we don't call that money over here

The Story of OJ

Mama had four kids, but she's a lesbian

Had to pretend so long that she's a thespian

Had to hide in the closet, so she medicate

Society shame and the pain was too much to take

Cried tears of joy when you fell in love

Don't matter to me if it's a him or her

Smile

I seen the innocence leave your eyes

I still mourn this death and

I apologize for all the stillborns cause I wasn't present

Your body wouldn't accept it

4:44

Talking Points

Do you think Jay made the right call ending the album at Legacy?

Do you think Jay made the right decision not to have any radio singles for the album?

Where does this album compare among the rest of his discography?

Where does he go from here?

How do you feel about the mixing on some of Jay’s vocals?

Do you agree with Jay’s social commentary on songs like Family Feud and Story of OJ?

Thoughts on Jay's flows? Marcy Me is very different from some other songs because the other ones doesn't showcase flow as much

And favourite lyrics/songs/moments etc

(Edit - James Blake not Fauntleroy correction made)

Artist: JAY ZAlbum: 4:44Listen:Apple MusicTIDALBackgroundThroughout all of Jay Z’s past albums, we've come to understand and love this character known for his drug dealing, no-strings-attached sex, and excessive wealth (Jay built his Roc-A-Fella dynasty, became CEO of Def Jam Recordings, and achieved so much more due to his ability to hustle). This character being Jay Z, Hov, Jigga, but not Shawn Carter. Although there have certainly been instances of him being personal in the past (selling drugs to his mother, shooting his brother, feeling responsible for his nephews death, and so on), the large majority of his music has been braggadocio. Magna Carta Holy Grail, his previous album (from 2013), spent almost an hour telling us about his love for riches. Whether that be his collection of Basquiat paintings, designer clothes, or liquor preferences, by the end… well we got the point. Although it did touch on serious topics here and there, it was far from what a 40 year old father would sound fitting discussing. The party-friendly, trap-influenced, attempt at mainstream pandering was about as interesting as watching paint dry. And not even a Basquiat at that.Now fast forward to 2017. In the time span between 2013 and now, Solange (his sister-in-law), was caught hitting him in an elevator. Then his once close friend, Kanye West, ranted against him. And finally, his wife, Beyonce, made an entire album about him supposedly cheating on her. With controversy at a high surrounding Jay’s respectability, everyone was hungry to hear what he had to say. Curiosity began peaking when billboards and sign began appearing with nothing more that the the numbers “4:44”. It wasn’t much longer until more went up with a date (6.30.17) and a name, JAY Z. No one knew what to expect from a 2017 Jay album, but it’s safe to say he surpassed any and all that prefaced him.Review10 seconds into the appropriately titled first track, “Kill Jay Z”, we’re faced with these lines:Kill Jay Z, they'll never love youYou'll never be enough, let's just keep it real, Jay ZFuck Jay Z, I mean, you shot your own brotherFirst thing off the bat, Jay is dismembering his persona and taking a more self-aware approach. Eric Carter did survive the bullet, and Jay was only a child when this instance took place, but we can see his past mistakes still haunts him to this day. It appears as though he’s still learning how to live with his regrets. What makes “Kill Jay Z” so transparent is that in the process of examining his mistakes and how needs to change, he attacks the ego that has helped him to achieve so much. It’s only fitting he opens up so much on the opening track. Soon after these lines he goes onto discuss how he must change for his children, his tears, pain, regret, and how the mentality he once needed for hustling is no longer necessary. He touches on his relationship with longtime friend and collaborator, Kanye West, and ultimately we can see they’re not in a good place. He ends the song on a few lines referencing how he ‘almost went Eric Benét’, Eric had continually cheated on Halle Berry, giving us a quick glimpse at a very prevalent regret Jay currently has that we will learn most about on the album's title track. Jay’s reflective lyrics flow incredibly well over the soulful (yet modern) No ID production. No ID handles all the production on the album, and each beat is fantastic and perfect for Jay’s crafting. His drums, sample flips, everything, No ID is a legend and absolutely kills it.A smooth mix of piano and vocal sample (of the legendary Nina Simone) begin “The Story of O.J.”, before Jay comes in discussing the labels that have been attributed to black people in various places of society. The simply worded hook has so much to offer. It shows that people want to separate themselves from molds, but that despite this, due to experiences related to skin colour, there continues to be a common thread and underlying sense of unity. Jay takes 2 perspectives in order to urge people not to abandon recognition of their race, as being aware will help to bring change moreso. This negative viewpoint of his can be seen in this line (most importantly his reaction, listen to how he says it):O.J. like, "I'm not black, I'm O.J." …okayThe first verse has Jay speaking to what could represent his younger south and many black youth today. He encourages drug dealers to stop before it’s too late and invest their earnings in wise and legitimate ways. The 2nd (and final) verse continues to further discuss how Jay has spent money wisely and also where he wishes he had. Ultimately, Jay wants to help those less-advantaged black youth to become successful like he has, and to live a full life. The goal is to paint himself as a healthy role model but also one that can admit his mistakes, to promote the best choices he can. And for such a race related song, the Simone sample is perfect. “The Story of O.J.” is a great song to show Jay’s growth in maturity, and the beat is especially fitting to this growth.Jay’s first lines on “Smile” are continuing from where “The Story of O.J.” left off, further discussing his rags to riches and wealth. But it’s right after these first few lines Jay discusses a more personal insight towards his life, with these lines:Mama had four kids, but she's a lesbianHad to pretend so long that she's a thespianHad to hide in the closet, so she medicateSociety shame and the pain was too much to takeCried tears of joy when you fell in loveJay is going beyond talking about the challenges gays face and allowing us to see how they have impacted his mother. Society would’ve condemned her for being attracted to the same sex. So, she tried for many years to change and act as if she were straight. This moment serves as another great example of Jay’s personal growth, as he used to use homophobic insults in songs such as “Takeover” and “N- What, N- Who (Originator 99)”. Jay goes on to discuss being loyal, his wealth, overcoming obstacles, Funkmaster Flex, and uses his pen-free abilities to craft great wordplay that Hov is known for. He’s showing happiness for his success, for his mom, and for life, which is only right for a song titled “Smile”. ID did a great job with the catchy Stevie Wonder flip and the song ends with a beautiful poem from Gloria, Jay’s mother. She spreads a positive message that encourages people to be happy with who they are, which is very appropriate based on all she had gone through. I believe it’s the 2nd time she has appeared on a Jay album (first being on The Black Album), and is a great way to close a great song.“Caught In Their Eyes” has a more happy beat backing Jay. He uses his first verse to describe his struggles growing up and paints a portrait of those who oppose him. All while using some great wordplay. For instance:I seen eyes wide as they're about to shootYou can be a hairpin off and you can trigger your rootsOn the surface level he’s describing the ways people lived and how they acted, and beyond that is another entendre about Questlove and the legendary Roots. Another line I really like is:Y'all body language is all remedialHow could you see the difference between you and I?The first meaning being the literal, that you can’t fathom how many leagues Hov is above you. But also it sounds like the literal letters ‘U’ and ‘I’. Then on top of that, the previous line ended on ‘remedial’, so you expect him to end the following line in the same scheme. This is no mistake, as ‘me and you’ could work easily in ‘you and I’’s place. His change of lyrics makes the words stand out more and is proper English, which could be a play on ‘language’ in ‘body language’. The whole first verse also has a theme of the human body throughout it, body language, hair, his cheek, and at least 3 references to eyes. It’s a short but very interesting and dense verse. Following it, Frank Ocean lends a small and curious hook, touching on the topic of Solipsism and determining what’s real. He claims he’s ready for Earth. Now I’m not certain of what the exact meaning of the hook is and I don’t want to take too big of stretches, but it’s possible it’s too show that the speaker of the song is more real (in a sense of loyalty and principles) than everyone. So much so that he feels as though everything else is literally fiction. Jay uses the 2nd verse to discuss how Londell McMillan (whom he names specifically) screwed over both Jay and Prince’s wished in regards to Prince’s music on streaming services. Despite Prince giving TIDAL (and only TIDAL) permission to use his music, McMillan sued Jay after Prince died in order to gain full control of Prince’s music. He describes the greed that exists in the record industry and ends the verse continuing on the theme of those who oppose him, referencing his ending friendship with Kanye. All of this sounds great over the groovy Nina Simone-sampled beat. I also really like the voice effects on Frank and Jay, it gives a really interesting texture to the song that makes the incredibly smooth beginning of the next track contrast beautifully.“4:44”, the title track to the album, is in my opinion the most important song to the album. Honestly, I hesitated doing a review on this album because doing this song justice is no easy task. It’s grown to be one of my favourite Jay tracks and my song of the year. But nonetheless I will try!Do I find it so hardWhen I know in my heartI'm letting you down every dayLetting you down every dayWhy do I keep on running away?No ID opens the song with an incredibly introspective piece of foreshadowing. From this 24 second intro, a red carpet is rolled out for Jay to give us opening lines that speak to us. And he does so with:Look, I apologize, often womanizeTook for my child to be born, see through a woman's eyesAfter years of tracks like Big Pimpin, Girls Girls Girls, Ain’t No N-, On To The Next One, 2 Many Hoes… well you get the idea, he opens up this track with lines that directly oppose and regret such a mindset (and lifestyle). 2017 is the year we saw Jay Z the feminist (at least on this song), and I for one love the growth. Jay not only regrets womanizing, but regrets how he treated his wife Beyonce (asking her not to embarrass him, for instance). He mentions begs Beyonce to pick up the phone and the vocal effect on his voice almost reminds me of a phone call, not sure if that was an intentional connection or not (but it certainly enhances my enjoyment regardless). He goes on to describe Beyonce maturing faster than him, dealing with multiple stillborns (when Jay performed this song live on SNL he actually didn’t say ‘stillborn’ because of the pain), treating her poorly in public, his terrible attempts at being a respectable husband (“I suck at love, I think I need a do-over”), and most notably, his unfaithfulness. As Jay and Beyonce grew apart and desolate from the stillborns, he went to find affection through cheating (I read this in a Genius annotation and haven't been able to verify the timeline so take with a grain of salt). This ripped them further apart, and in verse 3 he describes how a threesome resulted in him almost losing his family (also worth noting it lead to Beyonce’s album Lemonade). He goes a step further in his regret to consider how his children will react to these things (seeing the falsehoods in his father as a hero), once they inevitably do through others via the internet or write-ups (hopefully not this one!). As the song climaxes to this realization, the sample hits harder than ever with the words “I’m never gonna treat you like I should”. The roaring beat and verses make for a truly moving dynamic. Raw emotion is dripping in every aspect here. No I.D. brought out the most regretful and personal side of Shawn Carter. The soulful production, emotional vocals, and brutally honest lyrics makes this song not only one of Jay's best, but most wise. The moment it begins, it demands your attention. You don't have to worry about any fools skimming through this one, Jay.“Family Feud” begins with Beyonce, which is perfect for the next song on the album. No ID sampled her vocals throughout the beat and her singing with Jay shows us there is always hope (especially after the previous song). Showing hope for relationships is a vital theme to the song, which we’ll see soon. Jay is back to a more confident approach in offering his wisdom. He spends his first verse talking about being successful, exploring religion, and sends a subliminal shot at Drake (“All this old talk left me confused / You'd rather be old rich me or new you?”). He also criticizes certain fans of old school hip hop for their judgements of new school hip hop fashion. Throughout the song wealth is discussed, but now strictly in braggadocio. He want’s to support fellow black peoples in their endeavours, in order to help revolt against black people being less-advantaged as a result of skin colour. This can be shown with:I'll be damned if I drink some Belvedere while Puff got CÎROCAnd throughout the song he says:Nobody wins when the family feudsIn this case, family is referring to fellow black people. He advises unity and support will help communities, and bring more equality to society. In his Rap Radar interview, he mentions how as you go up in the world of success, there are less and less blacks. He uses his wealth as a goal for others to reach and encourages they do so through helping one and other. The song is both critical of older and newer generations with lines like:Al Sharpton in the mirror takin' selfiesHow is him or Pill Cosby s'posed to help me?Old n***** never accepted meAndNew n***** is the reason I stopped drinkin' Dos EquisThis attempts to display the different mentalities. He continually mentions that 2 billions is better than 1, representing new and old generations (and his marriage as well). The message is this: put aside your differences and work as a team, because nobody wins when the family feuds.For the past 24 minutes and 1 seconds, we have seen “Kill Jay Z” in place, essentially abandoning the persona that lead to his success. But there is a change of pace during the duration of “Bam” that makes it so exciting. The first words from Jay (and a reference to “Public Service Announcement”, from TBA) tell you exactly what I mean:Fuck all this pretty Shawn Carter shit nigga, HOVThe aggressive nature of the line and Damian Marley’s chorus set the song up for Jay to come through to set records straight, and that he does. Dehaven was a drug dealer Jay worked with back in his hustling pre-music days. On social media, Dehaven has routinely claimed Jay never really did much hustling and was a mere runner. Hov spends part of his first verse shooting this down, claiming if he was only a runner he wouldn’t had’ve became the success he is now (as his music and clothing ventures cost a lot to begin). He goes onto explains that his nice side, Shawn, used to be in ‘flight mode’, as he was completely in the Jay Z mindset. This was the side of him that got him to be so wealthy (and continues to push him). Verse 2 is only 12 bars long, but is coated with references and entendres. He uses Rae Sremmurd, Bobby Shmurda, Nat Turner, Kanye, Black Sheep, and even the fact that he skips leg day, all to brag to us in the most clever ways. The mention of Rae and Bobby also could tie back to “Family Feud”, as it’s touching on the theme of newschool rappers. The hard hitting street reggae provide Jay with the perfect backdrop for him to use his ego for good and let people know he’s not fabricated.The title of “Moonlight” is a reference to the film by the same name. It famously was confused with La La Land at the most recent Academy Awards, which Jay references in the hook of “Moonlight”. What makes the film Moonlight noteworthy is that it is the first film to win a Grammy for Best Picture that features an all black class, as well as the first LGBT movie to do the same. Moonlight is special because it excels without being like every other popular movie. The song “Moonlight” is asking rappers to apply this same principle to their artistry, as many popular rap acts aren’t experimenting or pushing the boundaries creativity-wise. Jay isn’t impressed:Y'all got the same fuckin' flowsI don't know who is whoJay pokes fun at the skrrt adlib (used by popular trap acts), how artists use the internet to snitch on themselves (for image), and how many of them not only make the same music, but share the same image. It particularly annoys Jay at the ego many of these artists share:Stop walkin' around like y'all made Thriller, huh?Jay also references how many rappers are signing to their first label offers, and specifically mentions how Lauryn Hill struggled with labels. This is a fitting choice of reference as the song samples Fu-Gee-La. Which gives the chorus’s use of La La Land 3 meanings:reference to film, reference to sample, and reference to artists being ignorant about their quality of music. Jay’s career proves you can make yourself successful without a label’s early on help, whilst innovating and making non formulaic music. This song alone pushes boundaries, in topics for sure, but instrumentally the beat is constantly changing and adjusting (which can be said for 4:44’s production as a whole, in fact). Even his flow is unique, in how he sways his words without ever sticking to one rhythm. He also lived the criminal life many artists use for their image. This gives his words on these topics more respect than otherwise. The song ends criticizing labels for their treatment of artists, mentioning specific CEO’s, in hopes this will sway young artists. Chance, Nas, Lupe, and tons more in the rap industry alone have contributed to this argument all the same. Time will tell if their message and “Moonlight”’s will have an influence or not. Hopefully a healthy change will be made.Marcy Me is a song made to reflect on his past by tracing out homages to his influences and heroes. Before I break down his lyrics, I gotta say Jay’s flow is as good as it ever has been and the piano/drums/vocal-sample/etc work so well with it. This sample is so obscure on some Madlib type style too (“Todo o mundo e ninguém” By Quarteto 1111, from 1970, if anyone’s curious). Onto the rest of the song! The title alone pays respect to the legendary Marvin Gaye and his track Mercy Me. Then the intro is a Biggie quotation that ends before bragging about sex, which is appropriate for the album and it’s apologetic tones. From there, we see mentions of Jam Master Jay (of Run-DMC, RIP), Dennis Rodman, Michael Jordan, Tichina Arnold (an actress on Martin), Denzel Washington, Slick Rick, and Lisa Bonet. And that’s just within the 1st verse. What’s significant about the nostalgia-riddled details is that each of them helped give a young Shawn hope in Marcy, Brooklyn. He describes marcy with:I'm from Marcy Houses, where the boys die by the thousand These role models let him keep his head up despite his environment, and because he had hope, he was able to be ambitious, ultimately leading to the development of the Jay Z character that this album has previously explored. We learned earlier that he created Hov as a means to succeed, and we now learn that Hov was able to exist in the first place largely due to the success of other black people. Inspiration was a key factor to his success. Verse 2 has Jay reflecting on his rags to riches story, touching on topics such as cocaine, murderers, areas of Marcy, and rappers that have passed (“rappers turned murals”) or influenced him. Jay sounds confident and relaxed simultaneously. Verse 2 is the definition of ‘cool, calm, and collected’. To end the song, The-Dream (who is way too underrated, just saying) sings a slower outro about remaining true to oneself. It’s a beautiful way to end such a well-constructed strong.“Legacy” begins with a voice recording of his daughter asking what a will is. Jay uses this to explore how his wealth will benefit his kids and so on, and to explore how family history has impacted his life as well. The word ‘legacy’ refers to the wealth left in a will, as well as the aftermath of a predecessor (which can be from a will but not necessarily). The song explores both sides of the coin. The opening verse is more directed as an answer to his daughter’s initial question, talking about how TIDAL, Roc Nation, Ace of Spades, D’USSE, and such business ventures will go onto support his kids and relatives extensively. This side of the song already feels like a personal discussion just between Jay and his kids about what will follow after he dies. He ends verse 1 on his goal of creating generational wealth and even talks about how blacks are discriminated against in the tech industry. Verse 2 goes into even more personal territory about how Jay’s grandfather molested his aunt (of his father’s side). He claims he may one day forgive him for these actions, but that this negative situation had a silver lining for Jay. His grandfather was a pastor, and due to this, Jay wrote off Christianity (by assuming his grand father’s actions were reflective of the religion he promoted). As a result, he explored other religions. This allowed him a diverse understanding of various sets of beliefs, influencing him to be the critical thinking and understanding person he is today. “Legacy” shows how our actions can influence many generations, and through the most personal ways possible. For such heavy messages, Jay brings hope. Hope is communicated so well through the background horns and James Fauntleroy background singing too. It’s a brilliant closer to the album (if you exclude the bonus tracks). Fun fun fact about Legacy: This song samples Donny Hathaway’s 1971 song “Someday We’ll All Be Free, which was recorded by Jimmy Douglas. Fast forward decades and Douglas mixed all of 4:44.In order to see the reviews of the bonus tracks you must sign up with TIDALJust kidding! Who needs exclusivity?“Adnis” is named after Adnis Reeves, Jay’s father (who passed away in ‘03). Adnis abandoned Jay when he was just a child (around 11 or 12). Reeves had spent less and less time at home, in hopes of finding his brother’s killer. Eventually he picked up drug addictions and left home entirely, never contacting Jay. They did meet up eventually, in 2002, and from that meeting he forgave Adnis for abandoning him. This allowed him to drop anger that he held onto for so many years and in place he was able to overcome love/trust issues. “Adnis” is ‘an open letter to [Jay’s] dad that [he] never wrote’. In a very slow flow over a very relaxed beat, Carter discusses how Reeves caused him lots of anger growing up. He mentions how he wrote about wanting to fight him, as a means of expressing that anger. He also recognized himself in stories of his father, and gave thought to how his grandfather’s malicious (previously discussed in “Legacy”) actions may have impacted Adnis. He mentions how before Adnis’ brother died, he was a good person and that he taught Jay valuable lessons. Including loving his step siblings no different than non-step siblings. It’s clear from the first verse that Adnis was a good father and a role model to Jay during some of his earliest formative years. Verse 2 mentions how despite being the youngest in his family, and despite his father’s leave, he eventually became the leader of his family. He mentions how his father reacted poorly to his uncle’s death, because according to their beliefs, his uncle was in a better place. Life was out of Adnis’ hands, instead there were bottles and needles. Despite his father becoming a terrible role model, Jay takes pride in him being a caring parent and husband. It’s a sweet note to end on after the previous more harder to swallow sorrows. Jay doesn’t shy away from talking about emotional subjects, I have no doubt this song was hard to make for him. And then to release such an open and personal song, exposing your thoughts and feelings to the public, couldn’t have been so easy. But I’m grateful he did, because “Adnis” is one of the best this year.Blue’s Freestyle / We Family opens up with Jay’s daughter Blue spitting some straight bars about how she’s never seen a ceiling, seeking those who are innocent, and most interestingly about how everything is shakalaka. I can’t disagree with her there! It’s a cute little opener to a more light hearted sounding song. The beat has some hawaiian influence and Jay never goes to in depth, as each verse is only about 6 lines long (although there are 4 of them). In the short amount of time he does however cover a lot of ground, referencing illuminati claims, his thankfulness for his wife, celebration of heritage, black unity, drug dealing, his worldwide fans, Donald Trump (and his concerns about him), and his excessive travelling. Quite possibly the most amount of topics covered in one song when compared to any other one on the album. And in between each verse is a small hook claiming he’s part of a family. All of these topics, although seemingly unrelated, connect back to the construct of family. His illuminati controversy is because he has heritage (from family members) that roots back to the use of voodoo, he claims tauntingly. His wife is part of his family, and her heritage has played a role in shaping their kids and thus his family. Worldwide fans and black unity are alike in that they are united for a common goal that Jay is involved in, making them family. Drug dealing played a role in his success and as a result him meeting Beyonce, etc. Donald Trump concerns Jay because he cares for his fellow Americans, they’re a form of family as well. What makes this song great is the spider web Jay creates, connecting so many topics so quickly into a light sounding coherent song. And the intro is really all to perfect as an opener for it. Now we just gotta wait on Blue’s mixtape.MaNyafaCedGod (which I’m sure Jay titled like a cap sensitive password in order to aggravate bloggers, anyone else think of that Spongebob meme?) is possibly the most underrated track on the album. It’s got a great beat change, soothing James Blake singing, and really dense honest lyrics. The first beat is real smooth with James on the keys. The first verse talks about Beyonce and Jay Z’s tour together and how it served as a means of healing for them. Among forms of coping, such as drinking, smoking, vacay, and sex. He touches on themes mentioned earlier in the album, such as the ‘what if’ thoughts of losing his kids and wife over stupid decisions he made. During the tour together Jay mentions how after he performed “Song Cry”, she’d perform “Resentment” and that this order of songs was a very real reflection of the emotions they were experiencing. Fauntleroy ends the 1st half of the song with a very poetic piece about changing out of the fear of loneliness, most likely to reflect Jay’s mindset during the aftermath of his cheating. Then the 2nd half begins with a more menacing anxious beat and Jay gives us the final verse on the album (if you’re counting bonus tracks, that is). He begins by mentioning how him and Bey would have to put on an act to look happy for media even though they were not, but that this served as an opportunity to force themselves to look for the good in life. From here, Jay continues in a more prideful and strong commentary in regards to his marriage. He says that they get each other, and will always have one and other through all. He compares their relationship to kintsukuroi, a Japanese method of fixing broken pottery by using gold as a bind, resulting in a more beautiful piece. In a similar sense, his marriage is better than ever despite the obstacles it faced. He believes that all these challenges have happened because of forces that are beyond his control, and that people must do their best to handle every situation. He gives us the advice his mother gave him, and that is to never go to bed mad at a loved one. Rather talk out the issues and get peace of mind, sound advice from a guy who’s been through so much.And that is the final song on the project. To conclude, 4:44 is a brilliant album that dives deep into Jay’s most heart-wrenching thoughts and with them comes mature responses. No ID (with some help from James Fauntleroy and occasional sample recommendations from Hov) brings this out in Jay with soul sampling beats that come off nostalgic yet unique, like an updated version of The Blueprint. The verses,the beats, the vocals, the mixing, everything, is done in a way that translates into a feeling of being personal. It’s personal, it’s mature, it’s revealing, it’s emotional, it’s soothing, it’s therapeutic. It extensively covers so much ground in so little time. 4:44 is not only my favourite album of 2017, but one of Jay’s best albums yet.Favorite LyricsI'm surprised you ain't auction off the casketCaught In Their EyesY'all on the 'Gram holdin' money to your earThere's a disconnect, we don't call that money over hereThe Story of OJMama had four kids, but she's a lesbianHad to pretend so long that she's a thespianHad to hide in the closet, so she medicateSociety shame and the pain was too much to takeCried tears of joy when you fell in loveDon't matter to me if it's a him or herSmileI seen the innocence leave your eyesI still mourn this death andI apologize for all the stillborns cause I wasn't presentYour body wouldn't accept it4:44Talking PointsDo you think Jay made the right call ending the album at Legacy?Do you think Jay made the right decision not to have any radio singles for the album?Where does this album compare among the rest of his discography?Where does he go from here?How do you feel about the mixing on some of Jay’s vocals?Do you agree with Jay’s social commentary on songs like Family Feud and Story of OJ?Thoughts on Jay's flows? Marcy Me is very different from some other songs because the other ones doesn't showcase flow as muchAnd favourite lyrics/songs/moments etc(Edit - James Blake not Fauntleroy correction made)

Rant time

Ok, disclaimer: I’ve been away for a while.  I haven’t worked in public schools since 2010... And maybe all public schools are not like the place I am currently working. However, I am now at an afterschool program for at-risk kids. They told me that the kids in this program are under-performing in school (although some of them are very smart and I’ve seen their EXCELLENT report cards) and that they need extra instruction after school. This program is free for these kids because of a grant.  In order for the grant to be given for another year, the kids are going to be tested in a few weeks to see if they have improved since their mid-year test. We have to prove that the program is working, essentially.

Now, for the rant. 

1. These kids come in at 4:15 after being in school all day.  They are given a snack, and then they are supposed to do homework or do a math program on an iPad. This lasts until 4:45. From 4:45-5pm I WAS doing yoga, and then from 5- 5:30 I was doing a lesson from a workbook.  I even got mats donated from O2 Fitness, so all my students had a mat. From 5:30-6 they would just do fun stuff as their parents came to pick them up. They usually played Silent Ball or a game where they hid something and the other kids tried to find it.

2. Because the end of the year testing is coming up soon, the powers that be (the two women who run the program) have determined that there is no time for yoga and that the lesson needs to be one hour instead of 30 minutes. Important note: the LESSON is from a workbook, and it’s basically reading a story and answering multiple choice questions based on the story.  AKA.... BORING.

3. These kids are 7-8 years old.  I just looked up the average attention span for this age group: 2-5 minutes.  But in this program, they are supposed to read and answer questions in a book for ONE HOUR. I can SEE how frustrated they get, and how distracted they are after 30 minutes.  It’s like there is absolutely no point in going further, but the people who run the program think I am supposed to keep yelling at them to sit still and be quiet until we are done with the hour long lesson. I can see how sad they look, and it breaks my heart. I just watched a video about kids in Finland who speak multiple languages and go to school for just four hours a day because the education-decision-makers want their kids to play and BE HAPPY.

4. Let’s talk about this workbook for a minute. Yesterday, I got two out of six questions wrong. Today, the same thing.  ME.  A high school English teacher with two degrees, pursing a masters in English. Here were the questions:

The story we read was about how birds got their colors.  Basically, there was a Big Bird (like a god) who looked around, saw that all of the birds were gray, and decided to give them colors.  So the jay asked to be blue, the oriole asked to be orange, and after all of the colors were given out, the finch was sad because he didn’t get a color.  So Big Bird gave him a little bit of all of the leftover colors.

Question 1: The author’s purpose was

a. to describe

b. to explain

c. to persuade

d. to entertain

Ok, so I chose D. I mean, this is not a true story, so it’s clearly for entertainment, right? No.  The answer was B.

Question 2: What does this author want the reader to know?

a. how the birds got their colors

b. how the finch became multi-colored

c. that birds are greedy

d. that Big Bird was generous

Ok, I was a little confused because it seemed that A and B were both true, but I chose A.  Wrong. The answer was B. 

What. the. f*&(*^*%&(*&????

This test is supposed to be for 2nd graders and is supposed to determine if their reading skills are improving!!!!????? This is crap. I don’t care if they can’t answer these questions - this is not a good test of reading skills. This is a STUPID test.

Also, the kids (because they are just in 2nd grade) still have that beautiful desire to try hard and get all of the answers right. When they get them wrong, they get SO SAD.  And I want so badly to tell them that the workbook is stupid, not them.

One of the smartest kids got three out of six wrong today and he came to the conclusion that he was bad at reading. Great. THIS is what he’s learning. That he’s bad at reading.

5. I was getting really frustrated with the two ladies who run the program coming in and constantly making changes.  One change (about a month ago) was that the 2nd graders were told they were not allowed to go outside for recess. That this program was educational, not play time.  They were told that the younger kids can go out because they have more energy, but they were older and needed to study. So I went out and bought the book The Boxcar Children, and I decided that after we were done with the lesson, I would take them outside (for fresh air) and I would read to them, because I LOVED that book when I was little. Well, that only lasted two days.

They then made another change and told us that after the one hour lesson, the students needed to read alone, in silence.  I was not allowed to read to them. This is AFTER they have just read and answered questions for AN HOUR. They are then supposed to READ IN SILENCE.  So we only got through two chapters of The Boxcar Children.

Oh, one thing that they LOVED to do from 5:30-6 was math problems on the board. (They love writing on the whiteboard - I guess it makes them feel like a teacher. But that was fine, because they were doing math.)  Nope, can’t do that anymore.

6.  I neglected to mention that these kids come in wanting so badly just to TALK to someone.  One of my students always wants to tell me about her day.  But there is NEVER time for me to talk to them. She was really upset one day, so I told her to sit down and write out all of the things she was feeling. She wrote me a note about how she didn’t think anyone at school liked her. I wrote her a note back when I went home that night and gave it to her the next day. This is the only way I get to have meaningful conversations with them, although I know that is what they need -so much more than a stupid workbook. This is the same girl who told me that she never gets to see her mom because her mom lives in Virginia and that she, her brother and her dad got kicked out of their apartment because her dad yelled at them too much.

7. I was told today that I was “too nurturing”, and that the kids sensed that so they tried to take advantage of me. Her examples were:

-M (I am not going to write his full name) always wants to put his head down in your lap.

-S wanted to sit beside you today because her leg was hurting, and you were rubbing her back.

Ok, so M (EVERY SINGLE DAY) comes to me and asks me to read him a book.  I’m not kidding. The child is in kindergarten and not only can he NOT READ, but he doesn’t even know all of his letters. He WANTS to learn, so badly. The first thing he says to me everyday is, “Can we read a book?” Oh yeah, he’s really taking advantage of me.

At 6:00, when they are supposed to be reading silently on their own, and M asks me to read a book to him, I’m supposed to say no. I’m supposed to tell him to read alone.  First of all, like I have already said, HE CANNOT READ. And if I told him to go read by himself he would be rolling all over the floor, looking at the ceiling, because he is the worst case of ADD I have ever seen. The child needs to be read to.  He needs someone to read him a book while pointing at the words and then asking him to sound out some of the easy words. But no, I cannot do that. I am not allowed.  I feel like a CHILD in the program rather than a TEACHER.

These kids come to me for help with their homework and to get me to read to them. And because I actually do it, I am too nurturing and I am not authoritarian enough....

I’m so furious that I want to cry every day those ladies come in. One day, one of them came and yelled at my 2nd graders because one of them threw a paper towel on the bathroom floor.  She told them that they would never get to go outside if they kept acting like that.

I want to quit so badly, but I love those kids dearly.  I know that they would be SO SAD if I left, so I can’t. I am staying to finish the school year, but I am counting down the days.

If this is what American education is like, I don’t want to raise my future children here.

Mature reflection that comes after my anger subsides: Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe these kids DO need to read and answer questions to get better at reading/writing. Maybe talking to me or having a counseling session or a yoga class wouldn’t help as much as I think. I am not an expert in elementary education after all... Maybe these women do know best and I should stop acting like I’m the master of all things education.

Tales of Ranting

Tales of Games are "sunshine filled" and don’t have dark or MEMORABLE??? Characters??? BITCH WHERE?????????????

I just watched an IGN (whatever that is) review of Takes of Berseria and while im like super happy to hear that everyone likes it..........................DONT TRY TO PUT OTHER GAMES DOWN WHILE YOU TALK ABOUT HOW GOOD THIS ONE IS?????/

anyways it said all the other tales of games were too “sunshine filled” (they are kinda sunshine filled but I wouldnt go so far as to say they were all happiness and rainbows) and you could never remember the characters names because they arent interesting or memorable...YEAH IF YOU HAVE THE BRAIN THE SIZE OF A PEA AND THE TASTE TO MATCH

Luke accidentally kills an entire city and it traumatized forever??? he starts out as the shittiest person and then becomes a hero????? He has to question his whole identity, Asch has to too, they go through so much crisis? (that music box version of the song “Mirrors” will forever make me cry) Guy’s entire family is killed in front of him including all his household maids who were trying to protect him and he get’s buried under their bodies and thats how he survives because the soldiers thought he was just another dead person, how long do you think a small child would have been stuck under there, and he has such severe ptsd?? OMG GUY IM SORRY TT~TT

Also Yuri Lowell was a pretty dark character, not an anit-hero but not really "sunshine filled" I mean he drowned a guy in sand, murdered a guy and threw his body into a river so it's couldn't be found. And I guess he Kind Of regrets what he did but only because his friends were like “murder is bad” but he doesn’t actually like agree with them?? He still thinks that he has to work outside the law to help people? 

Anyone who thinks that the Tales of Symphonia characters were “unmemorable” can honestly........have their own opinion because everyone is allowed to have their own opinion BUT THEY”RE WRONG AND I HATE THEM. who could forget Kratos my shitty dad character??? Or ZELOS??? (I know why I could never forget Zelos and thats bc I accidentally got him killed my frist time through because im an awful fuck up and made the WISE decision not to use a walk through FFFF) fucking REGAL? and his whole sad arc with Presea and her sister omgg I wanna cry thinking about it. I could go on forever

I will admit that I forgot most of the names for the Tales of Legendia characters but in my defense I remember all their nicknames (CC, Bubbles, Red, Teach, etc) and they used them a lot so like its not my fault they never used their real names xDDD (I do remember some names Chloe, Senel, Shirley, Moses, Jay, Grune, oooo more than I thought I would remember) DO NOT get me started on teach’s story with his wife and his daughter and the sad flowers that turn to stone okay im already crying T~T

though it is super easy to please me....really the only Tales of Game I didn't absolutely LOVE (still enjoyed it a TON) was Zesteria and that's just because so much little stuff was going on that I almost completely lost sight of the big stuff until it hit me in the face and I just couldn't remember why I should care about it. Like when a certain wind spirit died...I feel like we didn't get enough character interaction with him before his death for me to actually care a lot... I mean I was sad but not a ton....he didn’t even get an animated scene? i just got nothing from this scene? The best part is the very last part after the ending credits when Mikleo falls and gets caught by someone who is probably just the new shepard BUT IT MIGHT BE SOREY and no lie im pretty sure sorey’s real love interest is Mikleo bc if that doesnt seem gay then idk what is lmao

There’s also Xillia, Xillia 2, Graces, etc those are all super good too but not my top choices (speaking of choices or the lack thereof FUCK Xillia 2′s ending man NOT FAIR NOT FAIR AT ALL BRO why you gotta hurt me like this, make me hurt myself like this??? there is no choice it’s just “death and horrible” vs “horrible and death”)

I agree that this game (tales of berseria) looks SO great but, since I haven't played it yet, we'll see if it's really "the best" tales of game to date...It'll be hard to beat my love for Tales of The Abyss, Symphonia, Vesperia, Legendia, etc.....

thought it;s already doing a great job because I LOVE the main crew they look awesome!!! The MC is an awesome lady?? and I’m told the tale is really “dark” I mean obviously though have you seen the MC’s clothes? Such Edgy (tm)  and that I should prepare for heartbreak..BRING IT ON I LOVE CRYING AND BEING SAD