#he’s genuinely so insanely well written and has so much depth I could rant for days man | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luxekook · 4 years

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love bites | ksj

*written for the FWL luv library project*

⇥ pairing: kim seokjin x reader

⇥ genre: non-idol au, co-workers to lovers, smut, fluff

⇥ summary: you’re stuck working the evening shift on valentine’s day at bangtan bistro. as the city’s most expensive and exclusive restaurant, the bistro draws in couples both old and new with partners looking to propose or to impress. your tolerance for PDA and cringey lovebirds has never been lower. throw a flirty chef into the mix and you’re in for a bumpy ride that might just conclude with a happy ending.

⇥ word count: 5.4k

⇥ warnings: 18+, smut, cursing, bad puns from jin, numerous health-code violations (from fraternizing all up in that kitchen), oral (m + f receiving), protected sex (wrap it b4 u tap it, folks), workplace romance, threats of violence from yoongi

⇥ beta'd by the amazing @shadowsremedy (thank you, heath! could not have done this without you, your feedback, and your general support!)

“Will you marry me?”

I screech to a halt, completely astounded at the goddamned audacity of the man kneeling before me. Did he really just ask that? At a time like this?

I shift my weight from one foot to the other as I try not to outwardly show my disgust over the scene unfolding before my very eyes.

“Oh my god, Chad!” The date of this Chad finally launches herself from her seat and into his arms, “Yes!”

The restaurant breaks into applause. My forehead breaks into a sweat.

My left arm feels like it might snap at any moment under the weight of the tray of food that I’m meant to be serving this goddamn theatrical couple. The thought of quitting crosses my mind for the umpteenth time that evening.

A camera flash temporarily stuns me, and I feel a tiny twinge of satisfaction. My looming presence in that commemorative photo will hopefully be a reminder to let servers do their damn job before launching into a whole ordeal.

God, I must have been off my fucking rocker when I agreed to work the Valentine’s Day dinner shift. At least the tip money would be worth it.

Gritting my teeth, I flash my best fake smile and offer words of congratulations to the sniffling couple who finally reclaimed their seats.

“Enjoy your meal,” my mouth says with a smile.

“I wish I could sear you like that filet mignon you ordered, Chad,” my glare says with promise.

Thirty seconds later, I’m in full whisper-rant mode at the corner server station. My friend and fellow server Tabby half-listens as she punches in an order at the kiosk.

“And then this Chad in his fucking khaki suit flails to the ground to pop the question like he didn’t see me walking towards them with all seven entrees they ordered. So then I’m stuck hovering over their table with a giant-ass tray of food while they cry and hug and kiss until, finally, finally, they park it back in their seats so I can serve them.”

I groan, hitting my head against the wall, “What did I do in a past life to deserve this?”

“Kill someone, probably,” a voice pipes up from behind the station’s kitchen window, “Oh wait, you would do that in this life, too.”

Kim Seokjin, head chef of Bangtan Bistro and my partial employer, is leaning over the window’s counter, eyes full of mischief as he watches me.

“Oh, what’s this? Are you volunteering to be my very first victim?” I mirror his position leaning over the window’s counter and give him my best side-eye, “I’ll send you my application for victims on Google Docs.”

“Sounds kinky,” Seokjin grins, “Count me in. My Gmail username is Hugh Chefner. No capitals or spaces.”

“I despise you,” I say biting back a smile.

“You lo-o-ove me!” He sings, heading back into the depths of the hectic kitchen.

And, unfortunately, he’s right. Damn Kim Seokjin and his insane level of gorgeousness, charisma, and dramatics.

Against my better judgment, Seokjin has shimmied his chaotic self right into my well-guarded heart. Despite all of the prickliness my typical demeanor displays, I can’t help but melt under the warm gaze of such a handsome man.

Seokjin is the first person that has ever been able to pique my interest lately and keep it. Yes, it might have something to do with his extreme attractiveness; but, it more-so has everything to do with his genuine kindness and weird sense of humor.

Shit, I’ve gone soft. If we’re arguing Nature vs. Nurture here, this is totally Nurture’s fault.

Bangtan Bistro is co-owned by seven men - each as fine as the next. Being surrounded by good-looking and kind-hearted men day in and day out will definitely fuck with your brain, your body, and eventually even your fucking heart.

Kim Namjoon, a tall, dimpled sweetheart of a man, acts as general manager. Namjoon typically resides in the back office of the restaurant running numbers and going over other business ventures. He used to frequent the front of the restaurant to check on customers, but Jimin has since banned him from that activity after the infamous Spaghetti Incident of 2019.

Park Jimin, as the overseer of staff and servers, commands the restaurant floor with a crinkly-eyed smile and a ferocious temper. Fortunately for his direct subordinates (READ: me), his temper is most likely to be focused on rude customers and his messy business partners. Jimin honestly is the ideal boss because he has our backs and will never hesitate to help anyone out.

Late one Saturday evening, a man refused to leave the restaurant after being cut off from his bar tab. Jimin full-on squared up with him in defense of the poor server who had to break the news to the drunk patron. Luckily, the Bistro’s head of security, Jeon Jungkook, took over before Jimin actually popped off.

Jungkook, as the youngest partner, is shockingly tall and muscular. He definitely provides the intimidation needed for those types of escalating incidents. Despite his tough exterior, Jungkook is a complete softie.

I once caught Jungkook in the kitchen after close attempting to make cookies for a girl he had a crush on. I walked in to see Jungkook standing over a tray of the unidentifiable charred monstrosities and pouting in the most ridiculous way. Needless to say, I helped him bake a new batch with the oven not turned up to 500 degrees so that “they would cook faster”.

Min Yoongi had found the pair of us bickering and had just rolled his eyes and scooped a mouthful of raw cookie dough. As the head bartender, Yoongi is the absolute best at mixing drinks and the absolute worst at customer service. I swear the man gets far too much pleasure from getting people thrown out. He’s also notorious for watering down the drinks of customers he doesn’t like. He’s petty like that. I live for it.

Once, Jung Hoseok tried to take a picture of Yoongi for the restaurant’s website, and Yoongi threatened to shove a sharpened cocktail umbrella through Hoseok’s eye. I had never seen the Bistro’s head of marketing and resident sunshine flee so fast. Hoseok later ended up using an old picture of Yoongi in retaliation; rumor has it Yoongi is still plotting his revenge to this day.

Kim Taehyung often grumbles about how he’s going to be put out of a job since the restaurant naturally provides daily entertainment. As the head of entertainment and events, Taehyung helps to secure live music and special guests. He’s also the most handsome man I have ever seen - with the exception of one Kim Seokjin.

Seokjin, as head chef, is responsible for planning the seasonal menus, overseeing the kitchen staff, and preparing the more challenging dishes. He’s even taken it upon himself to be the resident comedian, which the other six partners vehemently and openly detest. Still, that backlash has not stopped him from naming each evening special with puns. His last Seokjin Special was called “Chicken Pot Bye Felicia”. It had resulted in Yoongi banning Seokjin from the restaurant for a full week. He still hasn’t dared to make another pun, but I can tell it will only be a matter of time.

Basically, Seokjin is an entirely goofy and beautiful mess of a human. Yet, I can’t stop myself from falling deeper and deeper into the trap that is loving someone outside of your league.

When I first arrived at the Bistro for my inaugural shift, I was greeted enthusiastically by Jimin, who I’d met previously in my interview. Jimin had introduced me to each of his partners - each as handsome as the last. Honestly, my eyes and nerves had been exhausted after meeting almost all of them. Then Jimin had ushered me into the kitchen.

“Hey, Jin-hyung!” Jimin had yelled over the cacophony of sizzling pans and murmured conversation. I had watched in awe as the hottest man I’ve ever seen entered my line of vision and stopped before me. Tall and broad-shouldered, he had a face that could inspire priceless works of art with full pink lips, high cheekbones, and devilish dark eyes.

“You summoned me, Jiminie?” The man had laughed in a slightly squeaky manner before he noticed my presence, “Ah, who might this be?”

I had cleared my throat in hopes that my voice wouldn’t crack under the sheer weight of this man’s attractiveness, “Hi, I’m (y/n). I’m starting today as a server.” and thrust my hand out with a shy smile.

He had blinked. Slowly, a smirk eased onto his face as he grabbed my hand. Instead of shaking it, he had brought it to his lips. “A pleasure. I’m Seokjin,” he had murmured, lips brushing against my knuckles. My cheeks had felt like they were on fire as Jimin screeched at Seokjin for harassing me.

“It’s her first day, Jin! Lay off the theatrics,” Jimin had turned to me, “Sorry about him, (y/n). He’s a desperate flirt.”

“Desperate? Me?” Seokjin gasped, “Worldwide Handsome does not do desperate.”

“Did you just refer to yourself as ‘Worldwide Handsome’?” I had gaped at his open arrogance.

Seokjin proudly had puffed up his chest, “Yes. What else could I possibly be called?”

“Well, definitely not Worldwide Humble,” My mouth had said before my brain caught up.

The room had seemed to pause before Jimin erupted in peals of laughter as Seokjin spluttered, “Yah, Jiminie, you can’t let her talk to me like that!”

Still laughing, Jimin had choked out, “(y/n), you officially have a job here until you die.”

Ever since that first encounter, Seokjin and I have established a working relationship based on banter or what Tabby refers to as ‘flirting’. I refuse to believe that ridiculous notion.

Tabby finally finishes entering her order into the kiosk and turns to me, “So, any hot plans for tonight?” Her eyebrows wiggle up and down suggestively.

“Does solo Netflix and chill count as hot plans?” I deadpan as I peer around the server station divider to covertly check on my tables. I lock eyes on Chad and his fiancé, who already seem to be arguing, and I make an executive decision to not go check how their meal is going.

“No!” Tabby’s whisper-yell commands my attention, “That definitely does not count, (y/n). Why didn’t you find someone on Tinder? I even made you that bomb-ass profile.”

I pointedly look everywhere but at her.

“You deleted the app, didn’t you,” she glares at me, arms folded, “I slaved over that profile! There were only so many tasteful cleavage shots of my best friend that I could stomach in one sitting!”

“What the fuck, Tabby! Since when do I have any—”

“Tasteful cleavage shots?” Seokjin’s elated voice practically shouts from the kitchen, “Let me at ‘em.”

His hands launch towards us through the kitchen window and make grabbing motions.

“Seokjin,” I tsk mockingly, “Are you trying to grab my tits again?”

“Again?” Tabby cries, whirling on Seokjin, who looks at us in horror.

“I wasn’t! I swear! I just wanted to see the pictures! I didn’t want to grab your boobs…” He trails off, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like ‘not any more than usual, anyway’.

“Seokjin-hyung! (y/n)!” Jimin blazes into the service station, “I’ve had it up to here with your bickering. You’re both on closing duties tonight - alone.”

“What?” I exclaim as Tabby slinks away. Traitor. “We’re just joking with each other! Right, Seokjin?”

Jimin’s gaze swings from me to Seokjin, who is suddenly suspiciously calm. My eyes narrow. A silent conversation is definitely happening without my participation.

Finally, Seokjin just shrugs with a grin, “Sounds fair to me, Jiminie! (y/n) and I will work hard all night if we have to.”

“Fair?” I choke, “All night?”

Jimin, following Tabby’s lead, scurries away as my attention is diverted by Seokjin’s idiocy. “Scared to be alone with me, (y/n)?” Seokjin’s lips break into a sly smile, “Don’t worry, I don’t bite… much.”

With that parting remark, Seokjin winks at me and disappears back into the kitchen.

“Fuck me,” I breathe out. How would I survive this?

Five hours later, the last patron has been ushered out of the restaurant with the staff right on their heels. I curse as Yoongi waltzes out the door, fanning himself with a crisp fifty-dollar bill and winking obnoxiously. “Have fun!” He cackles, locking the restaurant doors behind him.

“No, please don’t offer to stay and help,” I grumble, sweeping stray pieces of lettuce out from under a table, “I am more than happy to stay here until the ass-crack of dawn with the biggest idiot on the face of the earth.”

“The biggest, huh?” The voice chuckles right in my ear, “How did you know?”

“Goddamnit, Seokjin!” I slap a hand to my heart, “Don’t sneak up on me like that, you oaf!”

Whirling to face him, I stutter to a halt. He’s taken off his heavy chef’s coat and is now left in a tight black t-shirt that clings to his body in a manner that has to be illegal.

I swallow hard, and for a split second, I swear Seokjin’s gaze latches onto my throat.

“Is it hot in here?” I mutter distractedly, tugging at the collar of my stiff white button-down.

“Yes,” Seokjin practically purrs, “It’s scorching.”

Choosing not to acknowledge him, I spin on my heels, grabbing the full dustpan of debris I collected and head towards the back of the restaurant.

Emptying the dustpan in the trash, I walk over to the supply closet to return the broom. The restaurant floor is finished. Now, I just had to see how much of the kitchen Seokjin actually cleaned.

Pushing through the swinging doors of the kitchen, I screech to a halt as I’m faced with a complete and utter miracle.

“What in tarnation?” I gasp, taking in the pristine kitchen full of glistening stainless steel and sparkling countertops. “Kim Seokjin!” I yell, “You damn wizard! How the fuck did you clean everything this fast?”

“You could say I was motivated,” his reply sounds entirely too close. I spin to face him and gape as I notice the bouquet of red roses that he’s holding out to me.

Taking in my speechless appearance, Seokjin smiles smugly and opens his mouth to continue.

I cut him off, “Tell me those aren’t the roses from the fucking table centerpieces... I threw those in the trash, Seokjin!”

His ears turn an alarming shade of magenta, “Yah, just accept the gesture, (y/n)! This is peak romance, you know!”

“They are covered in filth, dude!” I squint, peering closer, “Is that a piece of spaghetti in there?”

Seokjin yeets the makeshift bouquet back into the garbage, “Why can’t you just appreciate my efforts?” He pouts excessively, “Don’t you like me?”

Red alert. Red alert, my mind whirs.

“Sure,” I let out a nervous laugh, “We’re friends. Of course, I like you.”

He steps towards me, “Sure, we’re friends, (y/n), but friends don’t usually want to fuck each other.”

That bitch said what now?

“Did you inhale too much Clorox?” I panic, “Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?” Thrusting three fingers in front of Seokjin’s amused face, I widen my eyes as he suddenly grabs my hand.

“Baby,” he says lowly, sending a delicious shiver down my spine, “If you keep being so adorable, I may just have to keep you.”

Well, shit, okay. “Say less,” I breathe and then immediately slam my mouth shut.

I receive a classic Seokjin grin in return for my idiocy, and my knees shake. Honestly, who the fuck allowed him to be that devastating?

Slowly, his grin slips away, and his eyes ignite with raw desire, “Tell me what you want from me, (y/n).”

My mind short circuits, automatically reverting to my default mode of sass, “Uh, peace and quiet?”

“Really?” Seokjin murmurs, stepping even closer still, “So you don’t want me to kiss you? You don’t want me to turn you over and fuck you until you scream?”

My breathing is ragged. His eyes burn with a hunger I had never seen before, and I’m crumbling.

“Answer me,” Jin demands, desperation seeped in each word, “Please.”

“Seokjin—” I gasp, dumbfounded, “Where the hell is this coming from? We’re coworkers! You’re my boss!”

His eyes flashed darkly as he moved his head closer to mine, “That’s all irrelevant, baby.”

“Irrelevant—!” I stab a finger into his firm chest, “Oh, you little shit, you can’t just say that you want to fuck me and then say that our working relationship is irrelevant! I could get fired. You could get fired!”

“That’s highly unlikely given the fact that everyone else knows my plans to ask you out right now.”

“Hold on a second,” I narrow my eyes, “Are you saying that you purposefully planned for us to stay late tonight to clean the entire goddamn restaurant just so you could ask me out? Are you fucking insane?”

“I prefer the term ‘quirky’,” he quips, “But, yeah, I may have paid everyone $50 to leave us alone for the night.”

“Well, that explains Yoongi… that shady motherfucker,” I internally make note to plot my vengeance. “Why couldn’t you have just slid in my DMs like a normal person, Seokjin?” I groan, “I would have responded to a ‘you up’ with a ‘yes, come over’.”

Seokjin whips out his cell phone. “Does this apply to right now?” he asks, typing furiously.

My phone dings with several Instagram notifications.

hughchefner: u up

hughchefner: wyd

hughchefner: date me?

(y/n): bet

Seokjin’s eyes shoot up to mine after he reads my response, “Really? You agreed to date me by saying ‘bet’ in an Instagram DM?”

“Yup,” I shrug, “No take-backs. Also, to answer your previous questions: Yes, I do want you to kiss me with your insufferable mouth, and, yes, I do want to sit on your dick. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Say less,” Seokjin echoes my earlier statement and captures my mouth with his. I wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him back with equal fervor.

“(Y/n),” he groans right as my tongue swipes teasingly against his lower lip.

His hands slid down my body, pausing only to squeeze my waist gently before settling firmly on my ass. His fingers dig in hard and I let out an embarrassingly loud moan.

“You like that, baby? You like when I’m rough?” Seokjin pulls his lips off mine and murmurs sinfully, “God, I want to devour you.”

I lift my chin up and challenge, “Do it, you won’t.”

His eyes flare, “Oh, babygirl, you were made for me.” Seokjin’s lips return to mine, moving at a slow but ravenous pace.

Still kissing me, he picks me up and places me on one of the kitchen’s stainless steel counters. His hands grab my thighs, tugging them apart to make room for him to stand between them. A harsh groan rises from the depths of his chest as our bodies align.

I hook one leg around his waist and tug him closer still. Pulling my lips away, I lean my head back as I slowly trace his muscles through his shirt. He watches me with his puffy lips parted, his breathing hard. His eyes are wild and I’m loving every second of it.

The room suddenly feels too hot. My hands dart up to shakily begin undoing the buttons of my shirt. Seokjin’s eyes follow my movements with fascination. “Let me,” he purrs and proceeds to rip my shirt from my body. Buttons scatter on the floor with sorrowful little bounces.

“You bitch,” I yank his hair, “That was my good work shirt.”

“I’ll buy you ten more,” Seokjin’s voice is rough and full of desire as he takes in my lacy white bra. Suddenly, his mouth descends to suck at my nipple through the thin lace.

“Damn, you are so fucking sexy,” he pulls his mouth away, “Can I take this off?”

I nod like a bobblehead in 60mph winds, reaching around my back with one hand to undo the clasp and then throwing my bra clear across the kitchen. It lands on top of one of the fridges and I shrug. I’d retrieve it later.

Seokjin tugs off his own shirt, revealing planes of tanned skin. I don’t hesitate to run my hands up and down the definition of his abs and watch in fascination as his muscles constrict under my touch. I run my hands lower, tracing his defined v-line.

No wonder they call it the Adonis belt, I muse, pondering if he’d let me lick it.

Huffing in impatience at my slow exploration, Seokjin returns his mouth to my nipple and sucks hard. My eyes nearly roll into the back of my head. He bites down gently and then blows on my nipple slowly. I moan at the sensation. I watch him through unfocused eyes as his hand slides down the front of my body. He reaches the button of my pants and pauses.

Seokjin pulls his mouth away from my nipple, his lips swollen and pink. “You have to say yes, baby.” His breath hits my ear, making me shiver.

I hold out my hand for a high-five and declare, “We stan a man who asks for clear consent.” Chuckling, Seokjin slaps my offered hand and then links his fingers with mine.

“Also,” I continue, looking into his eyes, “It’s a fuck yes.” I pull our linked fingers close to place a kiss on his knuckles.

“Cute,” he grins, “Now, can I take off your pants?”

“Take off yours first,” I order.

“So eager,” he laughs, making quick work of his black jeans. My mouth instantly waters at the sight of his hard cock straining to be released from the confines of his bright red Versace boxer briefs.

“Why am I not surprised that even your underwear is extra?” I mumble, flicking the button of my pants open.

Laughing, Seokjin takes over, tugging my pants down my legs. He then pushes my matching white lace panties aside and cups my pussy, applying pressure. I roll my hips into his hand.

His fingers trace lightly up and down my pussy, before one dips inside me. “Fuck, you’re so wet for me,” he groans.

“Always,” I breathe out. Suddenly, he pulls his hand away from me. I pout. Seokjin laughs at my expression and then licks his finger.

“Jesus fuck, (y/n), you taste so sweet. Let me eat you out,” he pleads.

I smirk, saying, “I thought you’d never ask,” and then gasp as he kneels before me, grabbing my hips. Seokjin moves to tear my underwear off, and I’m quick to place my foot on his forehead to stop his approach. “I swear to god, Seokjin, if you rip these, I will get Namjoon to permanently ban Seokjin Specials.”

“You’re evil,” he grins, “I love it.” He makes a show of slowly taking my panties off before throwing them carelessly behind him. He then yanks the same leg I had used to thwart his panty-tearing plans and throws it over his shoulder before returning his fingers to my pussy. Seokjin’s thumb circles my clit while two of his fingers thrust into me at a maddening rate.

My fingers grip his hair when I finally feel his tongue licking up the juices that have started to run down my thighs.

After sucking what will probably become a massive hickey onto my left inner thigh, his tongue licks a path straight up my folds until it circles around my clit maddeningly. “Goddamnit, Seokjin, stop teasing,” my voice cracks in desperation, but my plea works. His tongue flicks at my clit lightly before his lips close over it and suck.

“Fuck,” I moan, “I think I like you eating me out more than I like eating your cooking.”

He pulls back to briefly land a light swat on my pussy and I choke on air as painful pleasure shoots through me. “Take that back,” he growls, “My cooking is second only to my handsome face.”

“God, I fucking hate you,” I drawl. The emphasis in my words portrays the exact opposite.

Seokjin sends me a shit-eating grin before his tongue returns to lick at my swollen clit, up and down, and then in a slow circle. His fingers brush open my folds just enough for him to sink his tongue into me. “O-oh,” I throw my head back, one hand moving up to pinch one of my nipples while the other latches back into Seokjin’s hair.

“I’m s-so close, baby,” my words slur as I shamelessly beg, “Don’t stop.”

He immediately pulls away.

“Oh, fuck you,” I seethe. I yank his head back by his hair until his neck is stretched in a long line. His hair is a mess, and I’ve never seen anything hotter.

“I just want to feel you come when I’m inside you, baby,” he smiles, my wetness glistening on his lips.

“Fine,” I shimmy off of the counter onto shaky legs, “Two can play at that game.”

“What?” Seokjin’s brows furrow in confusion.

It’s my turn to drop to my knees. “Oh, shit,” he curses as I tug his boxers down to reveal his hard cock. It’s silky and gorgeous, and I can’t stop staring at it. Seokjin, of course, notices. “You like my cock, babygirl? Take it. It’s yours.”

It already was, I think, as my gaze darts up to meet his.

Without breaking eye contact, I lick his reddened tip, almost moaning at his taste. “Fuck, babygirl,” Seokjin throws his head back. I smile wickedly. I could definitely get addicted to ruining this beautiful boy. “Look at me,” I command, feeling so powerful when he immediately listens.

Slowly, I suck down on his length, hollowing out my cheeks. My eyes stay on his as he groans, and I can tell he’s straining to keep from thrusting into my mouth.

“Please, baby, fuck—!” He moans as I swallow around him and then release him from my mouth with a pop. My hand darts up to grip him tightly, pumping him. Moving slowly, I suck one of his balls into my mouth, rolling my tongue around it gently. Seokjin chokes, “Fuck me.”

“We’ll get there, baby,” I tug my mouth away and grin up at him.

I suck him as far down as I can. His control snaps and he begins to thrust wildly into my mouth, panting.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” his eyes scrunch up as he chants, “I’m gonna come.”

I release him ruthlessly.

“Goddamnit,” he cries, “I knew that was coming, but it still hurts.”

“Well,” I wiggle my eyebrows at him, “If only you had a pretty little pussy ready for you to fuck… Oh, wait.”

Seokjin chuckles, “I see I wasn’t able to fuck some of the sass out of that mouth. We might have to try that again later.”

“Gladly,” I grin back at him, “You have a condom?”

Seokjin picks up his discarded jeans from the floor and digs around in the back pockets. “Aha!” He yells, hoisting up the glimmering gold foil in triumph.

I roll my eyes before snatching the condom from the idiot. Tearing the foil packaging open with my teeth, I grab Seokjin’s length and pump him a few times in preparation.

“Stop being a tease,” he mumbles, thrusting shallowly into my hand.

“Stop being so hot,” I challenge, leaning down to lick his pre-cum dripping from the reddened tip of his cock.

“Impossible,” Seokjin smirks before tugging me back up to face him.

He drops his lips to mine and sucks on my bottom lip. Pulling away slightly, he tugs at it in a stinging bite. Withdrawing his mouth from mine, he spins me around and bends me over the counter.

I feel the head of his cock running teasingly over the folds of my pussy and I gasp, “Please, baby, I need you inside me.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

He thrusts into me in one sharp movement. We both gasp as he fills me, gliding in and out.

“Harder,” I moan.

“Fuck,” he mutters, “I’m trying to last over here.”

“Why? We have all night,” I pout before an idea pops into my head, and I taunt, “Wait, are you telling me you’re a one and done type of old man?”

“Oh, you’re going to regret that,” Seokjin mutters darkly.

His hard cock fills and stretches me, pleasure emanating within me from every sharp thrust of his hips.

“Your pussy is mine,” he growls, “I’ll fuck you from against the wall after this. I’ll fuck you until you can’t sass me anymore. And I’ll fuck you all night, baby, and every night after that.”

I clench around him as his dirty words wash over me. “Those are all great ideas in theory,” I gasp out, “But I really want to ride you first.”

“Oh, babygirl wants to fuck herself on my cock?” Seokjin slaps my ass before pulling out, “Well, come on.”

I stand upright and turn to see him walking towards the large island in the middle of the room. He hops onto it and lays down, placing one arm behind his head, and the other one slowly strokes his cock.

“You better get that hand off your cock before I decide to never let you into my pussy again,” I say darkly as I move towards him.

His hand flies off his dick at the speed of light, his eyes wide as they focus on me.

When I get close enough, I climb up onto the island and kneel with one leg on each side of his tapered waist. I slowly sink down so that just his tip is inside me and squeeze.

A garbled moan escapes Seokjin, his hands shooting out to grab my waist in an attempt to push me down further.

“Someone’s eager,” I whisper, bending down to press a quick kiss to his lips.

“I’ve been fucking eager since you were hired.” He smacks my ass and then groans as I reflexively sink down another inch.

“Yeah?” I question, sinking down another inch as his eyes squeeze shut, “You should have said something sooner, baby. I could have been riding you hard for months.”

Seokjin pouts, “Well, there’s no time like the present?”

“God, you’re such a dweeb,” I grin before taking him to the hilt. We both let out strangled breaths as I shift slightly, before placing a hand on his neck.

Keeping my hand there, I lift up and begin riding him hard. My body slides up and down onto his cock at a fast pace. Sweat drips down my back. Seokjin grabs my ass, his fingers gripping my skin, and pounds up into my pussy with brutal and possessive force.

“O-oh, fuck.” There’s something about riding Seokjin that just feels so good. My hips swivel and roll against his. The pleasure steadily builds, and I try to distract myself by biting down on Seokjin’s neck.

“I’m gonna come,” he moans, “Are you close?”

I pull away from his neck and sit up, arching my back to give him a deeper angle. He thrusts up into my g-spot and I gasp, “Shit, yes, I’m close. Come with me, baby.”

I clench my walls around him. Seokjin’s eyes are scrunched shut as he continues to pound into me with harsh strokes.

He shifts one hand from my ass to gently circle my aching clit, and I light up. My walls clench and pulse, locking down on Seokjin so tight that he comes, his hot seed filling the condom as he shudders.

I collapse against him and shove my face into his sweaty neck.

I can feel his laugh bubbling up from his chest before I hear it. “What’s so funny?” I ask, lips brushing his skin.

“Namjoon’s going to kill us for the number of health code violations we just committed,” his laughter causes his cock to shift within me, and I bite back a moan.

“Well,” I lift my face up from his neck to look at him, “We have nothing to lose at this point then, huh?”

I slowly lick my lips, and his eyes drop to them. The only noise left in the restaurant is our heavy breathing. “Round two in Namjoon’s office?” he suggests.

“Bet.”

a/n: this was so fun to write :) hope you all enjoyed it! happy valentine’s day!

#fwlproject #luvlibrary #bangtanhq #bangtanarmynet #btsbookclub #btswriterscollective #btswritingcafe #hyunglinenetwork #ksj #ksj x reader #seokjin x reader #jin x reader #bts #bts smut

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riderofthewind · 5 years

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So I just finished reading Mortal Engines

And I needed to rant a bit about differences between the book and movie and why they were poor choices. I’m going to try and avoid generic ‘It’s different so it’s bad’ arguments because those suck, good movie adaptations of books that don’t massively diverge from the book itself are rare, it’s an essential part of making something great in most cases but in this case...oh god maybe they should have just done a shot for shot copy of the book.

This is gonna be a long one, but please join me on this nitpicky angry journey (and let me know the shit you liked/hated about the movie.)

OH GOD THIS MOVIE WAS SO TERRIBLE BUT THIS BOOK IS RATHER GOOD.

Warning: This will be nitpicky but I just...need to.

I'm a firm believer that a movie adaptation does not need to be faithful to the book it is based on to be a great movie. I love The Shining (I actually like the movie a lot more than the book but that's a rant for another day) however Mortal Engines manages to fail both at being a good movie and a good adaptation.

THE BEGINNING

The first like 30 minutes of the movie are almost shot for shot from the intro of the book and it's genuinely very good in both instances. London eats a small town, Hester boards, she tries to stab Valentine (in the movie she succeeds but he's fine. It's a change that I don't really understand because it doesn't actually change anything) and is chased off of London by Tom who is booted off by Valentine to cover his tracks. Tom and Hester group up because Hester is injured, they get picked up by another town who pretend to be nice and then are going to be sold as slaves.

I'm not going to go shot for shot through the changes the movie makes from the book because that'd be pointless. But I specifically wanted to recap this intro section because it's so close to the book and because where it diverges is mostly meaningless (and awful product placement.) However the part where it splits from the book is not just signposted, the script writer literally wrote into the script criticism of the book at this point in the movie. In the book, Hester and Tom remove a floor plating from their room and jump out, escaping before being sold as slaves. In the movie, they attempt this but Hester is too injured to make the jump out of the room and instead they are rescued by Anna Fang moments later. This makes sense and is a change that on the face of it I kinda like because yeah, it makes sense. Hester could barely walk at that point how did she make that jump? But the script in the film is so fucking bad that Hester may as well at this point go "I can't make the jump, i'm too injured" then turn to the camera and wink.

After this point the movie diverges in a lot of ways from the book, although it still follows mostly the same plot it just cuts out a bunch of stuff and ruins every single character then turns into Star Wars at the end because reasons.

WHY THE MOVIE SUCKS

Okay, i'm going to get really nitpicky about specific changes that were for the worse that helped ruin this movie but to start with let me just summary and say. The movie sucks primarily because it's written terribly. Almost every character is reduced to shitty one liners after the intro, worst of all being Anna Fang, Valentine is reduced into generic villain, but even the characters who are similar to their book versions are just written so poorly that what worked in the book doesn't work on screen. Also Shrike's name sound so much like "Shrek" when being said out loud that it's hilarious. But overall it does stay surprisingly close to the book in plot up until the end, redacting a lot of stuff but rarely adding additional fluff. The way I'd break it down would be First act: Most similar to the book, overall very good. If the whole movie as this good it'd be a great movie.

Second act: Starts to diverge from the book to shorten it down for the length of a film. The writing is generally very very bad here, primarily because this section focusses on Shrike and Anna Fang. The former of which is reduced to saying "Kill Hester" over and over and the latter of whom is reduced to saying shitty one liners.

Third act: It's Star Wars but bad and has almost nothing to do with the book other than the location.

Also, I'm going to focus on story and characters here but keep in your mind that after the first act the cinematography gets terrible. Like genuinely it feels like a different movie also in terms of how poorly shot and edited the whole movie was after Act 1.

THADDEUS VALENTINE

Portrayed by Hugo Weaving in the film (doing his best Sean Bean impression) and uh yeah, the changes to him are central to the changes to the whole plot and basically what makes the movie so bad.

To begin with, Valentine is somewhat mysterious to start with. We know he's the Mayor's right hand man, he boots Tom off London after he hears Hester claim Valentine killed her parents but otherwise is charismatic and generally comes off as a very affable and likeable person. He is outspoken about the class divides in London having risen up from being a scavenger to the upper echelons of society himself. Both the movie and the book do this, it's great, he's a great character.

Valentine murdered Hester Shaw's parents long before the start of the book to take a piece of a weapon called MEDUSA back to London, which is used to rebuild the weapon which they intend to use to murder lots of people and basically make London an unstoppable monster. The big change the movie makes to Valentine's character is that this is his plan. Valentine does this in secret somehow, murders the mayor, stages a coup and takes London off course towards Asia to start firing off Medusa willy nilly and kill everyone and "save London" because they'll have so much to consume.

In the book this is the Mayor's plan and Valentine is being blackmailed into doing it because he wants his daughter to grow up in high society and have a better life. This is much better for a variety of reasons but the main one being that book doesn't reveal this until much later (in fact Valentine isn't even in most of the book) and it is foreshadowed by an earlier encounter with a bunch of pirates which didn't make it into the movie (which is fine because it's rather superfluous other than this foreshadowing.)

These changes aren't inherently bad but the way they are handled in the movie it basically just results in Valentine being an incredibly charismatic but evil villain the whole way through with absolutely no depth to his character outside of that. In the book what he did to get where he is puts strain on him and his daughter's relationship in a way that builds and results in his eventual suicide by refusing to escape with Hester and Tom, despite Hester's somewhat forgiveness of him seeing how hard he is trying to save his innocent daughter.

LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER

It's heavily implied in the book that Valentine is Hester's father and not her mother's husband. But this only comes up like once in a conversation between Valentine and his daughter, Hester never learns about it and it's kind of a non-thing. It's only really there to show that Valentine was willing to kill someone who might be his daughter in order to build this life for his definite daughter.

In the movie, this revelation is made during the climactic battle between Hester and Valentine on the back of a ship during a fucking dogfight and oh god everything about it is the worst. He literally picks her up and dangles her over the edge of the ship and almost line for line repeats the Darth Vader father revelation from Star Wars. It's insane and goddamn I hate it.

SPEAKING OF STAR WARS

The movie changes the whole final sequence so that instead of it being a struggle for survival for each of the characters and the big climactic defeat of the villain being caused by the fact he was literally meddling with powers he didn't understand (in this case, old tech than they haphazardly rebuilt and didn't know how to fix when it broke) to being a generic big budget action sequence that copies more and more stuff from Star Wars. There's literally a sequence where a bunch of fighters are taking out guns so that someone can do a trench run. The action cumulates in Tom flying into the heart of London and blowing up the engines. It's just bad and generic and literally just Star Wars. It's boring as hell. As mentioned earlier, it's also just not shot well at all and it's a mess. They do these weird awful zoom ins every time a scene takes place inside MEDUSA and it's hideous and I have no idea why it's the way it is.

Other stuff:

ANNA FANG

I've mentioned a few times in this rant that Anna Fang only speaks in one liners in the movie but I can't get across exactly how shitty it is. She's damn cool in the book and the way they translated that to the movie was basically "she has a snarky one liner for every situation."

She does look cool though.

VALENTINE'S DAUGHTER

Katherine I think is her name? I literally just finished this book an hour ago and I don't remember. One of my complaints about the movie at the time was that she is a nothing character who does basically nothing. In the book she is a nothing character who does basically nothing but she also has a pet wolf. She exists solely to give Valentine a reason for being blackmailed, which in the movie isn't even a thing so she may as well have been cut out of it entirely. She sucks in both though so whatever.

HESTER SHAW

She is constantly described as ugly and deformed after what Valentine did to her. In the movie she has a kinda cute scar but that's it. This sucks but again, whatever. It's a movie, that's how this shit rolls unfortunately. It's hard to market your movie when the protagonist looks like Two Face in TDK.

All in all, I'm glad I went on this journey of reading the book after seeing and hating the movie. It was fun in its own weird way. I definitely enjoyed it more than being excited for an adaptation of a book I liked only for it to suck at least. That movie was bad but it led me to reading a good book so it did something of worth.

#Mortal Engines #spoilers #books #ranting

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happydarkthoughts · 6 years

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A Skeptical Believer Rates Magic

If you know me at all you must know that I’m somewhat weird or just a product of my generation and Urban Outfitters marketing and so I do believe in magic. My overall theory on magic or I guess I should say magick with a “k” (like doing spells and shit) was that it doesn’t matter whether it’s “real” or not, that what it most likely does is creates an action and ritual that sends a message to your subconscious mind, kind of like a mantra, and that the repetition and devotion of time and materials to whatever it is helps you to create it in your own world because it reinforces something in you. Recently the resurgence of psychic mediums (see “Psychic Seatbelt” on Lifetime) has gotten me questioning all of it. I go through this phase every so often in my life, where I question everything. I think the questioning is important. I belong to some “magic” or “witch” communities (mostly online, but somewhat in person too) and the thing I find very frustrating about those groups is that none of them seem to want to question it at all - but then when I’m asking for examples of their experience or how it works for them they just get really defensive. I dunno, as I’ve written about re: Esalen I’m super wary of cults or of not shaking things up and recalibrating every so often. I have always loved this TED Talk about the interconnectedness of faith and doubt. I think that sums it up for me.

youtube

So anyway that said, I’m a little annoyed with all the woo woo shit right now (even though a part of me does love it and “practice” it) so I’m going to go ahead and rank it all on a scale of 1 (being total bullshit) to 10 (meaning it’s legit) so that I know at least where I stand personally as of August 2018:

ASTROLOGY (9/10) I love astrology, it’s one of my faves. At a party some dude got all annoyed with us for talking about it and said it was bullshit and I said, “saying it’s bullshit is bullshit. That’s like saying poetry is bullshit. The point isn’t necessarily for it to be “accurate” -- if you read certain astrologers it’s more like they’re offering a weekly sermon that’s just based on astrology charts. It’s one of those things that really depends on the astrologer, first of all, and how you use it in your life and it’s not about it being ‘real’ it’s about the emotional value you get from thinking about your life in that paradigm.” Yeah, I still stand by that. I think it’s why astrology has never let me down and why I’ve questioned it the least out of everything. Most of the astrologers I read never try to predict the future anyway -- it’s always very much more about what’s going on in the present moment and what you are navigating, how to cope, what your soul lessons are, etc. I read all the ‘scopes at this point because as you might know if you follow my tumblr some weeks I feel more like a Taurus than a Cancer and maybe that’s because my Jupiter is in Taurus lol. Anyway, I think there’s something to it - it’s not so radical to me that the movements of the actual Universe would reflect something in our universe, and beyond that most astrologers have to do a lot of actual study to be any good and the practice is ancient too so it feels less bullshitty to me. It’s like the right brain’s version of astronomy.

TAROT (6/10)

Maybe a 6/10 is too generous, or not generous enough. I could go on a super long tarot rant but I’ll try to keep it succinct. I feel very strongly that you should be very careful who you do a tarot reading with. I have definitely encountered more scam artists this way than not. The thing is most people don’t know what the cards mean and so it’s easy for them to not go into depth on anything and just make up shit people want to hear. I believe some readers are good and genuine, but I think they are generally not working out of a psychic store, you can probably follow them online, and hopefully they don’t charge insane amounts. ALSO I think in my understanding for tarot to really work it should be a conversation with the client about what’s going on in their life. I think we all go into a reading expecting the reader to be psychic and it’s more like a parlor game where we want someone to know some magical specific facts about us to prove it’s “real.” I think it’s mostly not real though. I think that the value of tarot, in my experience, is that the cards do have a lot of imagery and meaning and so you can use that to spark ideas, make connections that you were struggling with, or bring to the surface something you knew but didn’t know you knew. That’s when it’s been most effective for me and when it’s felt like it’s “worked.” And a good tarot reader is just like a good therapist - they help you ask questions and come to understandings but you do the work with them and they (and in this case the cards) are a catalyst to get to those conclusions. Tarot to me is a word association tool. “Eight of Cups” means “moving on from a situation” and I asked about my friendship with so and so and I’m feeling like we’re growing apart and so this just confirms to me that might be the case and to feel okay and peaceful with it -- and I know some people think you shouldn’t read for yourself but I feel like you maybe should only read for yourself (unless you find someone who really knows the cards and isn’t trying to pull a fast one on you) and also take it with a huge grain of salt. I’ve been using my tarot cards while writing lately. It serves the same purpose. It helps me reconnect with the ideas I already had but had forgotten, and then sometimes I pull cards that don’t resonate with me at all for my project so I just throw them back in the deck. In summary: I don’t think tarot is totally magical or mystical or provides divine messages, but I don’t think that means it’s useless either.

YOGA (10/10) Much less to say on yoga because it’s more straightforward. It’s great exercise, I love flowing, some teachers are better and resonate with me more than others and provide a work out that I like more for my body. It helps me connect with my breath and work muscles I wouldn’t otherwise. There’s a spiritual component sure and I do believe that the body carries emotion and so moving your body helps you work through emotion (ie. you feel less depressed when you work out more than when you’re sedentary all the time). So yeah. Yoga is great. MEDITATION (10/10) I use headspace and I don’t always meditate 20 minutes a day. Lately I’ve been a little lazy about sitting and breathing (which is ironic because sitting and breathing is seemingly doing “nothing”) but it’s really helped me to become more mindful of everything and I feel significantly more peaceful than I did a year ago. At the beginning of July I remember thinking, “wow I can’t believe how much better I feel than I did a year ago and it’s like nothing outside of me has changed, and the only thing that has changed is myself and so maybe it’s good nothing externally has changed yet because it’s helped me to see how far I’ve come internally.” Meditation is all about training the mind, knowing yourself, creating space for your emotions, acceptance and self-acceptance, finding peace and calm, not trying to change anything, learning how to just “be,” etc. I find that the practice can be totally secular and there is science behind it too. Meditation is very slow to work and to see “results” and you are technically asked to do it without seeing any results because results are not the point because meditation is essentially not about achievement, but it has really helped me more than anything else. I’ve quit smoking weed for the most part and am really cutting down on alcohol too. I don’t think I could have been able to do those things without meditation. I am also 90% vegetarian now. I dunno. I love meditation. It’s subtle, a life-long practice, has practical results and applications. Plus, a totally personal journey and so you can’t be scammed so much. PSYCHIC MEDIUMS (0/10)

Psychic mediums are totally bullshit and also gross because they’re exploiting grieving families. If you asked me if I believe in an “after life” I’d say “I don’t know” because that’s honest. I’ve been a little obsessed with near death experiences at various points in my life and I’ve read everything from people who had these weird mystical LSD-type experiences and people who were just unconscious and it was nothing. I oscillate on what feels true to me on this, but I think regardless of whether there is something or not I feel very strongly that no human has access to “the other side” on demand for “readings.” I’ve had dreams about loved ones who have passed. I’ve heard stories about people where loved ones had passed and they heard a warning from them that helped them save their life. It is not beyond me to think that maybe there is a possibility we can connect sometimes with some other dimension of life. Even my grandma once told me when she was younger she saw a ghost-type presence of a boy who had passed down the street from some weird disease when he was young (I think, or car accident, dunno, he was young and dead) and he said, “there’s nothing to worry about, this is just the next step” to her. But then if you ask my grandma now she mostly thinks it’s nothing or more like whatever “energy” you have that is your soul just goes back into all of it and you cease to have a unique identity or presence, which also feels logically and practically right to me. Well, whatever, we don’t know, but I do feel uberly certain that no one has 24/7 access to other people’s dead relatives. If someone tells me they had a personal experience, I’d be more inclined to believe them. And even those people aren’t going to be able to “call” on it whenever they want and especially not charge lots of money. So yeah I guess I’m just a little angry about it for some reason, haha. It’s the ultimate scam and also not how this all works if it does work. DREAMS (8/10) I like dreams and think there is value in recording them down. I rarely know what mine are telling me. I don’t have psychic dreams which I think is really good. My friend used to have psychic dreams, but it freaked him out so he asked for it to be “turned off” and then he stopped having them. I wish I could lucid dream sometimes. I have books on lucid dreaming. But... I haven’t really been able to figure that out and my brain is already tired so maybe being consciously aware while I’m sleeping subconsciously isn’t what I want, haha. I think all the things that are personal experiences I’m cool with... I think I’m running into issues with the areas where nothing can be proven and people can be exploited. Hard to exploit your own dreams. They are what they are and they happen for you however they happen for you and maybe eventually we learn what they mean to us too. SHAMANIC JOURNEYING (?/10)

I don’t know a ton about this. Shamanic journeying is also a very different practice depending on what culture you’re talking about... shamanic journeying could mean taking ayahuasca or it could just mean banging some drums and imagining shit in your mind. I’m interested in learning more about it, but it’s also a weird area because it is something that some people feel is being exploited by white people -- and there have been similar concerns about yoga. I wonder about that myself because I don’t want to culturally appropriate someone’s spiritual practice but also I am on my weird, constant spiritual quest and kind of looking for what feels true and what works for me so I’m open to it all. I’ve heard really interesting stories about people who practice shamanic journeying. I would never do any version of it that involves drugs. But I think I understand it to be “conscious dreaming” or like a more active, involved form of meditation. Shamanism also usually involves animal totems and I am all about animals and their symbolism so generally I’m into this idea but haven’t practiced it or delved deep. PALM READINGS (5/10)

I know less about this too, but one time my uncle apparently saw a palm reader and they said “you’re going to get divorced and re-married and have two girls” and then that happened!!! Coincidence, perhaps. This definitely seems like an area where you are susceptible to being scammed, but I would still be interested in finding someone who could legit read palms and had studied the lines and could at least tell me what mine said. I’ve looked at palm reading books before but I just have a hard time telling which line is which or what it’s saying. I guess the jury is out on this one but I think my rule is like, “don’t give anyone money until they’ve proven themselves to have some legit background of study in this area.”

SPELLS (5/10) See above. I don’t necessarily think they “work” I think they just help you connect to an idea and intention in your own subconscious that gives you a stronger likelihood of making it happen for yourself. CRYSTALS (6/10)

I just listened to the Spiritual Gayz podcast on crystals and it was really helpful and I felt like I learned a lot more about them. I think in general my own take is the same way I feel about “spells” in general. That working with them is more about working with your own mind and intentions and the crystal is an object that carries that meaning and is a reminder to you. Also in the spiritual gayz podcast they were talking about how crystals generally have their meaning but that sometimes it’s more about using your intuition... like someone used a citrine to heal their back but it’s not known for healing. I think in my personal experience I mostly don’t believe in them a whole bunch, but they are super pretty and so for some reason I own a ton of them. I meditate with them sometimes and it doesn’t feel any different than when I don’t. This is what I tried to ask my online witch community about haha! Do I not experience anything because I’m a novice at this shit or because it’s less about the actual magic of any of this stuff but more about how it helps you connect with your subconscious so you can go deeper into yourself and heal yourself? I feel like their silence and lack of clarity is sort of my answer. I lean towards this is a little bit BS but they are super pretty and I am still open to being proven wrong and learning more about them.

REIKI (3/10)

Well, I don’t know. I think I lean towards thinking it’s total bullshit but I give reiki three points because there are three points that I think are worth considering: 1) I’ve definitely heard stories of people who took reiki classes or got reiki attunements where they had some weird spiritual crisis / energy shit happening personally and so it seems like it does something. 2) I have heard stories about people who had reiki after a car accident and the doctor told them they did six months of healing in one month and had no idea how. 3) I got a “womb healing” once haha, which is a form of reiki specifically for your womb which is like I guess a creative energy center. I was in an abusive relationship at the time so I think I felt like I wanted something to work for me to help me navigate that. I don’t know that I felt like it worked or not to be honest, but the reiki woman did tell me “you come from a line of very strong women” and that is super true and was like what I got out of that experience. She also gave me some rituals to do that I did do .... and I mean I have come such a long way since that time, and I think all of this esoteric weird “spell” shit has helped me in that process, but again I think the results of this work have been more about my persistence and desire for the psychological change rather than something outside of me creating it. IRISH TEA LEAF LADY (7/10) I go to my Irish Tea Leaf Lady on the 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica once a year since 2011. She has been super right about some things and then not right about others... which for a supposedly psychic reading is sort of low returns maybe, but the stuff she’s been right about has been so weird and uncanny and sometimes specific too that I keep going back. I also love that she doesn’t charge like $40, she’s entirely donation based so you could just give her $5. I think giving her $5 would be a little shitty because even on a purely entertainment value basis she’s worth more than that. But still she sits with me better because I never feel like she’s scamming me. I feel like she reads tea leaves because she’s a weirdo who loves it and it’s not about the money for her. I’m so sensitive about scams, obviously. I think she’s most off in her timing. Her predictions have happened for me but not always when she said they would. She finds the timing based on where the leaves are in the cup so maybe that’s not her specialty. A lot of what she does is reading symbols so lately I try to focus more on the symbols she’s giving me too rather than trying to get her to predict the future per se -- like what symbols to look out for in my own life. Anyway she’s the only psychic I return to on a regular basis and I’d say she’s about 60% accurate but for psychic shit I think that’s really good and again I always have a good time with her and it’s a fun yearly thing to do in January.

PRAYER (9/10)

I dunno, to be honest. Someone said prayer is like talking to God and meditation is like listening to God. I pray sometimes, although usually it’s just me rambling out loud to myself in my car and pretending I’m talking to someone else. For me it’s just helpful to work through some things sometimes, kind of like an invisible therapist. Sometimes I ask for “signs” and I feel like I get them and something feels like it clicks and I’m like, “oh okay I get it.” There might be “no God” and I have my thoughts on “God” anyway. I think prayer is a really nice, harmless activity no matter what way you slice it or no matter what is real or not real. I think generally one prays for guidance or for something positive and so I think “putting it out there” isn’t bad, even if it’s only you talking to yourself ultimately it’s still better to have some kind of relationship with yourself, in my mind, where you’re communicating and trying to work things out (rather than being quiet and keeping it to yourself all the time). In my experience there have been some returns on my prayers, but also sometimes my prayers end up being like existential where I’m like, “sometimes I don’t know if you exist. I hope you do, but sometimes I feel like it’s all bullshit and then I feel a little depressed. But I guess if everything some really strange cosmic accident it doesn’t matter in terms of how I need to live my life. Anyway I’m just feeling a little lost so dunno just thought I’d check in with you to see if you exist today” type of thing. I’m mostly agnostic, I guess, oscillating between being totally convinced of there being more to this world and other times being totally convinced there’s nothing... and I guess with all of it I find prayer to be one of the least harmful things you can do and the most optimistic whether you’re in an atheist mood or not. SYNCHRONICITY (9/10) I love synchronicity. Sometimes I experience so much of it at once I feel like the world is on spiritual fire and that even though I’m sober I might as well be on psychedelic drugs (which I have never taken beyond weed). Sometimes the random coincidences feel so over-the-top to me that it feels undeniable. I couldn’t have made it up and it’s not just me “looking” for connections. I love when that happens. It just makes me feel... calm and connected. It’s like some reassurance that there is connectedness and meaning and that there’s some kind of path that’s adding up over time... And sometimes I go on for so long without any of it that I start to doubt my prior experiences and wonder if they were all bullshit... but usually something happens again to make me feel like, there has to be more to this world than what we can see or know. So I love synchronicity because it feels like tangible external evidence of a deeper feeling and it’s never something I’m forcing or creating on my own. I don’t always know what it means right away, but sometimes something catches my eye and I just know it’s more than I can explain and later on it might make more sense to me to. I feel like Twin Peaks is sort of a representation of this to me. 😬 IN CONCLUSION:

Experiences and practices that are personal and are not about someone else interpreting or translating to you are good and worth pursuing. Most magic practices probably lean towards being bullshit but it doesn’t mean they can’t have or add value in your life. Try not to spend too much money on figuring out the future unless it’s fun and you have reason to trust your reader. There is probably more to the world than we know, and I think a lot of it has to do with the subconscious mind, but I lean towards feeling like any “real” magic in the world is a very personal experience and cannot be conjured by someone else. Sort of like we’re an antennae and psychic phenomenon is a radio station. We can’t control the radio station or what it’s putting out or when it wants to broadcast shit, but we can just be receptive and open. But also no one is a super antennae -- I don’t believe anyone has constant access to the radio station and therefore has the right to charge $400 an hour to listen to what the radio station is saying. Or if they do then they’re working for the FBI right now and we don’t know about them publicly and they are definitely not using those gifts to scam grieving people. But most likely not.

And if someone in a tarot reading says “they’re giving me a message that... blah blah blah” I think that’s a red flag and an indication that they’re putting on a show for you. If they’re just reading the cards and going in depth on their meaning I think that’s more something I’d personally trust more. I’m skeptical of anyone who isn’t a little bit skeptical. I think this can be like a placebo effect. I believe so much that I create the meaning and the connections and then I start seeing more reason to believe it’s all real. I’m also skeptical of people who are totally doubtful too. Anyone who is convinced this is all bullshit feels like bullshit to me. That’s a certain kind of dogma and close-mindedness I can’t abide by because that feels as wrong to me as diving off the deep end. The place I’m at now is wading in the uncertainty and being open but also not fully accepting it all either yet until I get more evidence that it’s worth proceeding further. I’m interested in finding out what reality is and how consciousness works and what humans are capable of and at the moment I can only try things out and measure against my own experiences and anecdotal evidence. So this is where I’m at with it all.

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