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notafraidofredyellowandblue · 4 years

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MTV Masters 2004 Rammstein - thoughts

After doing the translation of the MTV Masters 2004 set, i was left with some lingering thoughts and miscellaneous rambles, so here goes.. ❣in no particular order.

Even though it was primarily a collection of snippets from other/older interviews and some making ofs, i liked how it was put together as a sort of "History of Rammstein up until now", too bad part 2 was missing.

Olli might be just as direct and outspoken as Paul, just not as eloquent, and not as bothered to try and get his opinion out (maybe should do a post on Olli alone...probably..).

The Mutter drama

very likely started with Richard (greatly helped with a bunch of cocaine), but after it also everyone says they didn't want to go on with the same type of music, but wanted to experiment...

afaik Richard is one of the more experimental of the band, so while at some point (understandably) they wanted Richard out, I think he was also needed for the new direction...a "can't live with him, can't live without" situation?

because of that shared feeling, i guess a bandcrisis was unavoidable at some point, and maybe it was brought to a head when it was and they worked through it...if it had lingered another few years maybe they'd have said "we've been doing this long enough now, let's quit"

the years after were better, but i think it's only in the recent 2 or 3 years that the band-together-vibe has really returned, but without the corset they all hated, good for them for hanging in all that time

Paul's occassionally shows his sunny smiles when saying a pointed or sharp remark. If you didn't understand the text you might think he just said something really cute, and all the while is dissing something or someone ☀️ not just a ball of sunshine, but one with stings..

Till often doesn't finish sentences, leaves part of it hanging in the air, starts his next thought. I could imagine he prefers to express himself in writing (his poetry and lyrics) instead of talking, especially talking with a journalist where he probably half expects to be misquoted anyway.

The parts about Germany are all the more interesting knowing that 15 years later they did a song on pretty much exact the topic as it is discussed here. I wouldn't be surprised they had rewatched these old interviews and then came up with using the theme for a song. I also agree that the nazi-era, apart from the atrocities and unspeakable harm it did to people, also very much crippled the germans with guilt, making it impossible to look further away in the past without linking it to the later nazi years (a lot of harmless things from before get a connotation it originally didn't have because the nazi era tainted it) and not being able to move on in the future because the guilt couldn't be let go. If only they'd ever do a 'making of' or interview about the song "Deutschland" i'd be very interested on their thoughts...but i don't have much hope anymore for that...

The scenes with Schneider and Paul on a couch, Paul telling Schneider he's the best actor, Schneider sort of embarrassed reacting and then Paul reconsidering and coming to the conclusion that he's not sure about actor Schneider and talking, but concluding he is really good at looking in certain directions 😁 that must be a prime example of Paulinist remarks, on the one hand cute and funny and generous, and then with one sentence basically pinpointing what Schneider can't do ☀️

Richard admitting having to be unhappy to "create" and sometimes creating drama to trigger that is very revealing, self-aware, unsettling and in a way very sad.. i hope he has come to terms better with it later in life and can also use music from a happier core (like when he writes songs for his children), but deep down, this is his drive and probably still is..

Love Paul's metaphores, he always has one (or three) at hand on any topic. When interviewed along bandmates he's quite restless though, moving around a lot..

Felt sad for Till when he talks about writting stuff off of his soul and afterwards "feeling a bit better, a tiny bit" I wanted to reach in and hug him ❣

At this point in time the Mutter drama is forgiven but not quite forgotten, I think especially Paul will be one to regularly have referred back to it in the first years after the crisis. At least the last couple of years it seems to have been really layed to rest (apart from maybe a little inside joke like old friends have).

Although I always think Schneider is the most levelheaded of the bunch, he does seem to occassionally not "get" what is going on, he seems occassionally vague. That too changed later on, nowadays he seems the most stabil one to interview (well, Flake as well but you can have Flake just reminisce old bandstories and don't have to ask questions 💓)

Schneider for that matter also seems to, by the time of the interview, still remember there was a crisis, but is starting to forget the details, that is probably for the better, no use rehashing everything, but i'd bet some of the others took longer..

Richard is very analytical about what happened and also imo very honest, like mentioning when in the early days they did something funny, that wasn't their intension and only later learned to laugh about themselves. Other people would just have twisted a story like, but he just says it as he thinks it was. He seems very much to say what he feels at the time (not that a next time he won't say something different, but then *that* is what he feels). This must probably also have gotten him into spots of trouble over the years.

Till just lights up (no not like that 😊) when he hears the pyro guys, next time someone manages to catch him for an interview they should just let him give a masterclass on pyrotechnics and ask the questions in between so he doesn't have to bother with the standard interview-situation and just do his own thing.

There is not a lot of Flake in these interviews, while we know now that Flake is actually one of the better storytellers, maybe he was used to let others do the talking at the time, or maybe he was strugling with his alcohol addiction that he talks about in his books and his happy to let tune out.

I think Richard once mentioned in a different interview that he likes to work in a team but isn't a teamplayer; what i take from these interview snippets that he loves the band and very much wants the band to be well.. later he wrote an Emigrate song for them (a band he doesn't tour with, afraid he'd like it better than Rammstein..😙 he a worrier at heart i think..).

Paul gets interviewed in various combinations with bandmates at the time, but i don't think from those years there is a combination of him and Richard. But much much later (2016), when they are interviewed together at the Rammstein in amerika premiere, they completely make up for it and have loads of fun. Ofcourse that's exactly the difference 10+ years can make, but good for them to have given it a shot and finding common ground after all (and even managing to be soft to eachother...aaaww those two 💕)

Schneider casually calling Paul 'Paulchen' as an endearing term and Paul not even batting an eye is very cute, but also shows that they regularly call him that (nothing much to do with his size imo)

Paul having the last word is probably typical, but what a sweet way to end this show, saying he really likes all of them, empasizing again 'really' and he is glad they are all still alive 💗 apart from that that is very cute, i also think they did worry about one or the other bandmate and their lifestyle (in keeping with the interview not naming names here) i hope that part of their wildness has mellowed down by now...the first remark also is a foresight to a 2017 interview with Paul where he mentions they have really nice chemistry at that time...so glad their bandlife did become better over the years.

All in all...the really are a 6-man-marriage...aren't they 💖

#rammstein rammblings #long...again..#rammstein mtv masters 2004

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heyktula · 4 years

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Closer, Chapter Three: Consensual - Bonus Features

Chapter three of Closer, the first installment in Somewhere in Canada (the Terror kink AU)... is now up! It's a long one again! The author continues to not be sorry!

Same deal as last week--technical notes first, story notes after, line notes to finish it all up.

Alright, here we go.

Technical Considerations:

Language: Phew, okay. So, I've written plenty of "hard kink written hard" (and arguably some "soft kink written hard"), but with this piece, I specifically wanted to do "hard kink written soft" so, uh, language is a thing! Ie, the sentence "Edward curled his hand into a fist and punched Jopson" does not belong in this fic, because there is nothing soft about that sentence no matter how much Edward loves him positive regard Edward is feeling toward his play partner.

So in order to make this fly the way I wanted to (ie, softly), I tried to avoid over-use of words like "fist", "hit", "punch", and that type of thing. I ended up in a really interesting rabbit hole that I think helped me get further into Edward's head, because the narrative had to become more focused on the technical aspects of what he's doing, and the physical results it's having on Jopson. It also emphasizes the continual assessment of how things are going that's necessary to do this kind of play safely--especially when it's the first time doing this type of play with a partner. And, it's in-character--Edward is an over-thinker anyway.

(I think the scene would have been softer, and probably more romantic, in Jopson's POV, but it would have been far blurrier as well, because he's pretty deep in subspace.)

While I'm talking about language, I'll just mention one other thing--Edward's knowledge of trans men has been academic up to this point, and he's approaching it the same way he approaches everything else, which is listening, learning as fast as he can, and taking Jopson's lead. It also means he's using--and will continue to use--the same language for Jopson as he would for any other man.

Capitalization of Sir: There's a whole entire thing in some subsets of BDSM about capitalization. At the extreme end, all references to the dominant are capitalized, all references to the submissive are lower case, and all references to both are split-capped (is that how it's referred to? I have no idea, but it describes what I mean, so I'm going with it.). It can lead to sentences like "In the dungeon, My pet, michael, always follows the rules W/we have agreed on".

I can't see either Jopson or Little going for that, so we have the more casual version of it going on here--"Sir" is capitalized, but everything else is conventionally capitalized. In a (hypothetical) situation where Jopson was collared to Edward, but referred to someone else in a casual "yes, sir" way, "sir" would be lower case. But then, for extra confusion, for someone like Sir John, where the sir is part of his scene name, it'd stay capitalized, even though Jopson's not collared to him.

(For some reason, I can't picture Sir John not using Sir John as a scene name. James Clark Ross, on the other hand, I feel can take or leave the title unless he's entered into a formal arrangement with someone, in which case that's between him and Ann and whoever else to sort something out.)

Hard Cuts: That's right, I put a hard cut in the middle of the dungeon scene. In my defense, it takes a while to bruise someone whose skin is resistant to bruising, and it's a very repetitive process. Jopson and Edward had a perfectly nice time without us, and I documented most of the good bits for you. (I do feel a bit bad for skipping the majority of the aftercare, but imo, the story arc is fine as it is, and we see enough to know that Jopson has his jacket around his shoulders the way he wanted it, so we can assume Edward bossed it out for the rest of the aftercare too.)

Story Considerations:

Bootblacking: I am not a bootblack. Ideally, this isn't obvious, because I did Online Research, but for people who do bootblack, I'm sorry if I fucked it up.

Also, one thing that I learned in the course of my research is that there's two different kinds of boots--regular boots, which need to be polished, and then oil-tanned boots, which need to be conditioned instead. I gave Edward oil-tanned boots, because that involves a hell of a lot of leg massage via rubbing conditioner into the boot, and I wanted Edward to have a nice tactile experience. (Okay, fine, I also wanted Jopson to be able to show off his skillset.)

Consent Negotiation: I love consent negotiation. I think it's great foreplay, a great way to build hype for a scene, and I think it gives you a sense of a person before you go in and do intimate and/or dangerous stuff with them. I think Edward's initial plan for having the consent negotiation once they'd moved over to the mats was good. I think Jopson's plan of doing the consent negotiation while Edward was a captive audience getting his boots conditioned was better.

There's so many bits and pieces to consent negotiation as well--there's the physical bit (like medical conditions and whether you've had food/water recently--after all, you're putting your body through something challenging, and if you're dehydrated or fasting, that's not ideal conditions), there's the mental bit (like not liking to be humiliated, and any trigger words or actions that should be avoided), and then there's the actual activities that you're going to plan on doing. Typically, there would be an additional bit, and that would be the sharing of STI results. Edward skipped that during this negotiation for two reasons--firstly, he generally just does dry play, ie, no body fluids exchanged. And, secondly, no sex in this particular dungeon. As it turned out, it wouldn't have hurt to have done that.

(Jopson clearly did his own risk assessment on the barrier-free blowjob, and was fine with his chances--but, then, I suspect if you read between the lines on Edward's blog, the lack of a fluid-bonded partner, or an intimate partner of any kind, would have been apparent.)

Dungeon Monitors: Dungeon monitors (DMs) are present in most dungeons, except the play-at-your-own-risk-in-someone's-basement type (and sometimes even those have them). Their general function is to make sure that people are safe, that equipment is being cleaned properly after use, that medical treatment is provided if it's needed, and that type of thing. I figured the medical team was a good translation, so between Goodsir and McDonald, they're splitting the dungeon between themselves for the first chunk of the night. (Presumably Peddie and Stanley are on the later shift, or maybe Bridgens is assisting, but either way, Edward was not paying attention and did not care.)

(I bet Stanley hates dungeon shifts.)

DMs generally wear vests or some sort of gear that makes them easy to spot, which is especially important when they're almost always members of the community as well, meaning that they need to distinguish between when they're on duty, and when they're playing. The radios are handy in case an ambulance needs to be called, which does sometimes happen, but it's also good to allow them to communicate with each other.

For the majority of play, it's not necessary to talk to a DM beforehand. (YMMV, consult your dungeon rules, etc.) In Edward and Jopson's case, since they're going fairly hard, it's a good idea to give a heads-up to your DM to let them know that the scene is happening. McDonald would have been watching them pretty sharply as the play got going, and then probably less so once they settled into it.

Edward noticed exactly zero of this, because he didn't care.

(I guess an additional note there is that sometimes there's a "fear factor" involved in physical play, where the dominant/top partner is specifically and consensually trying to instigate a fear reaction in the submissive/bottom partner. So in that case, having a DM aware of what's happening and what the safewords are is real important to make sure that everything is above-board, ie, the safewords aren't being deliberately ignored.)

Dungeon Rules: They totally would have fucked if they hadn't been in Canada.

Sorry to both of them, but sorry to Jopson in particular.

Subspace: So subspace is basically an altered state of consciousness that can be dropped into during BDSM play. Every submissive/bottom gets there at different speeds and through different methods. Jopson is a masochist, so pain will get him there--but he's deeply into ritual as well, and so just the act of bootblacking for an hour prior to Edward getting there has already gotten him started on that path--though, as he notes, not far enough that he can't pull himself back out of it if it's no longer appropriate to be in it. It's sort of like a hot bath, in that way--if you've just dipped your toes in it, fine, you can go answer the doorbell. But if you've been submerged in the tub for an hour, you're not getting out unless something really pressing happens.

The general, uh, fuzzy nature of subspace means that Edward's call not to discuss facefucking was a good one, because Jopson would have just said yes, and Edward would have derailed himself wondering if it was an honest yes. As it was, Edward got the unprompted deepthroating, and I don't think he has any regrets whatsoever about that one.

Line Notes:

There’s no way for Jopson to know that Edward purchased two collars for him, but he’s showing off his neck like he’s trying to make a point of it, like he’s trying to bring out all the possessive bits that Edward is trying to keep tamped down.

That's exactly what he's doing, Edward. He's trying to gently coax you into going feral on him.

He should have adjusted his dick before he sat down, but it’s too late to do that now without being territorial about it.

Tozer wouldn't hesitate for one moment. He adjusts his dick when he feels like it. Just as an aside.

I don’t see you, Edward wants to say. How have I lived my entire fucking life without ever having seen you?

It's because you and Tozer go to the shittier clubs with louder music and younger people, and I don't think Jopson has been to a club like that in his entire life.

(God, I have, like, an entire essay worth of headcanons about Jopson and his Terror and Erebus experiences.)

“Safeword,” Edward says, after some time has passed.

Jopson looks up at him, eyes wide, and says nothing.

So, we were talking about Jopson's risk assessments earlier, re: the blowjob, and here's another point where Jopson is flirting with the possibility of playing with Edward irresponsibly. I think there's a couple different things to observe here--and the first is that the ideal response is the one that Edward gives, which is essentially "absolutely fuck that, we'll play with a safeword that you're going to use when you need it, or we won't play at all". The other responses are...less than ideal, but Jopson might have still played with Edward under those circumstances anyways, and that's on Joppie to justify, cuz I'm not gonna bend over backwards to justify that for him. I do think, though, that there's a couple points that happen over the course of the weekend where nobody would blame Jopson if he was doing an assessment and figuring out--is there the possibility of a long-term thing here, or is this a one-weekend-only thing? And in every case, Edward is coming down solidly into the long-term possibility category.

Jopson frees the laces, runs them between his fingers. “I’ll get chatty before I get quiet. When I stop responding verbally when you speak to me, pull me back out, please—speak to me, get me something to drink. Drape my jacket back over my shoulders.” His mouth twists a moment. “I may get…affectionate, but you shouldn’t—”

There's so much here that I want to talk about! First of all, Jopson is highly comfortable with and cognizant of his own response to this type of play, and he's able to articulate that response very clearly--which is something that comes with experience. He's communicating to Edward the point where he wants the play to stop--ie, when he no longer responds verbally--and he's also clear about what needs to be done to gently tug him back out of it. (Coming back out of it isn't always required, but in this case, since they're sleeping separately and working in the morning, it's for the best.)

If Jopson had finished his last sentence, it would have been along the lines of "I may get affectionate, but you shouldn't take it seriously if I do". I pulled directly from Jopson's abandonment issues in canon for that one, and it hurts my feelings to put it here, but it's here so that Edward can respond appropriately this time. I think any feelings that Jopson has during scenes are legitimate--but I also suspect, based on this, that Jopson has been affectionate during scenes before, and had that affection rebuffed, or had it indicated to him that the affection wasn't welcome or needed, so he's used to disclaiming it. Which, ouch.

“Good job,” he says, voice low and right next to Jopson’s ear. “Pack your things. I’m coming back for you.”

Speaking of AU!Edward Littles that didn't fuck up their decisions, here's one right here.

His hand is pleasantly tingling, his mind starting to fuzz out with endorphins, and he wants Jopson to feel the same—

So Edward puts literally zero thought into his own headspace throughout this scene, because that's the kind of POV character he is, but you can see the beginning of his...actually, I don't even know the word for it. Whatever the equivalent of subspace is for doms, Edward is getting into it.

I like symmetry

Says the man with the tattoo on one arm. Alright, Ned. Alright.

"Mrf." Jopson swallows, the movement of his neck something Edward can actually feel, now that he's carrying Jopson fully. "Don’t want to derail the scene—I just—a minute—your cock is quite distracting."

I love that all the physical play was just fine, but it's being nestled against Edward's hardon that makes Jopson need a minute. (Which, fair.)

“Yeah,” Edward manages. “I can—I can do that. You, uh, the safewords?”

One of the things I really love about Edward here is that when he gets overwhelmed with how awesome something is, he reverts back to safety and checking in with his partner. (I'm pretty sure you could contrast that with Tozer, who I'm pretty sure would just talk filth until he'd gotten a grip on things again, and Crozier, who I see as pretty unflappable during play considering that he hasn't met a certain "online guy" yet.)

“I can’t believe we can’t fuck in here,” Jopson mutters grouchily.

Couldn't get ploughed in the dungeon the way I wanted, 0/10 on TripAdvisor.

Edward puts his hands behind his head, tugs at his own hair a moment to ground himself, and then curls his hands into fists where Jopson can’t see them, brings them down and around, quick and sudden, thumping the sides of his hands into Jopson’s ribs.

The very first time I was in a rough play workshop, this move was demonstrated. The demo bottom was facing the audience, and the presenter was sitting on a table behind him. They had him put his hands behind his neck and just stand there and wait while they was talking about something else, but from our position in the audience, we could see them raise their hands above their head, and knew what they were going to do, because they mimed it out for us first. I think that's where I fell in love with this kind of play, because they made it fun.

“I’ll go faster for the rest,” Edward promises. “Keep counting, and you’ll get your reward on five.”

Or, you know, on six, because one of you wanted five hits in a row and restarted the count on purpose, and the other one of you stuck to your promise of going with a verbal command of five because there wasn’t enough time to go through the whole ‘what is the correct response here’ and muscle memory won out over anxiety domming. (You can save your “oops”, Jopson, we all know it’s insincere.)

Jopson doesn’t scream. His entire body goes stiff, breath sucking quick into his lungs and his fingernails digging sharply into Edward’s bare back, legs clenching around Edward’s thigh, and it’s like time just fucking stops for one ecstatic moment until Jopson goes limp, his hands patting randomly on Edward’s back, over the scratches he’s just left in Edward’s skin that Edward is going to treasure forever, because he did that to Jopson and he’s going to wear these scratches with fucking pride.

Y'all, Edward "so excited about the part where he scratched me that I completely missed the part where he came" Little. He'll be here all weekend.

Jopson blinks, slow and easy. “Quite lovely, thank you. Everything cleaned up?”

I'm deeply in favour of doms who look after cleaning up the space while their subs recover. I'm not convinced that Little and Jopson will fall into that pattern permanently, but I think it's a sweet gesture on Edward's part that he looks after everything for their first time. It's also a very encouraging thing for Jopson--because, say, if he was trying to make sure that he wasn't going to have his service taken for granted, this is a good indication that it won't be.

Edward feels vaguely like he should demur, out of manners, or, uh. Concern for Jopson’s knees, or—or his, um. Aftercare. Or. Or something.

I love deep POV.

Edward raises his eyebrows, deliberately puts his hands flat on the wall behind him. He’s suddenly very, very hard. “I’m not gonna stop you if you want to do it yourself,” he says, voice rough. “That’s hot as fuck.”

*eyeballs emoji*

(And we can make a note of that particular detail for the next chapter, when Edward awkwardly discloses something that Jopson already suspects--or, at least, would suspect if he weren't currently high as fuck on happy endorphins.)

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” Edward says. He swallows. “I—uh. Sorry, this is stupid, I forgot they were there—I generally do, you know, warn people in advance, this isn’t how I normally—I, uh.”

I suspect the actual issue here is that the last time Edward had his dick sucked, there wasn't nearly as much metal in it, so "hey my dick is heavily pierced" isn't a conversation that he's used to having, but Edward can excuse this however he likes.

...it’s just—he’s just—he’s never—not without his partner gagging, and there were always other things they could do, there were always—fuck—this was never a priority...

Little refuses to think of his own dick as big, because it's the dick he's always had, so unfortunately, this is the closest we're gonna get to confirmation of his dick size in his POV.

Edward can feel—oh, fuck, no, that’s not just his cock, he can feel his own piercings in Jopson’s throat, the hard balls of the barbells firm under his fingertips, and Edward’s balls tighten.

I don't want to admit how much time I spent trying to figure out if this was a legitimate thing, but it was more than an hour, I couldn't find an answer, I have no one to ask, and I liked the mental image too much to let it go, so now we're all stuck with it.

I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not.

Edward takes a deep breath, steps into the hotel room, and shoulders his responsibilities.

Edward, sweetie. Sol would be the first one to tell you that he can handle himself.

I mean, we can all agree that he clearly didn’t handle himself particularly well tonight.

But he’d be the first one to tell you to fuck off.

Phew. That's it for this week! Chapter four, Kink, goes up next Friday, and we'll touch on Solomon Tozer's no-good very-bad day then.

And if you have questions or anything in the meantime, you can always drop me an ask on tumblr or Curious Cat. I know I didn't cover everything, even in this long-ass entry, cuz there's a fuck of a lot of stuff going on in the foreground, much less the background. I honestly don't mind if you ask, it's totally cool. :)

See you next week!

#the terror #the terror fic #fic: closer #joplittle #fic breakdown #ktula writes #fic: the terror kink au

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hellyeahomeland · 5 years

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Me again with more Carrie and Saul. can you elaborate on how it’s different between them? You say it’s evolved but I don’t see how. Things have happened to Carrie especially, but I don’t really see how their relationship has changed at its core. Maybe Saul treats her more like an adult but even that’s debatable imo. I don’t mean to be argumentative for argument’s sake but... (continued...)

Cont… can you give concrete examples of how the development has played out on screen so I can understand it & hopefully S8 better. Specific scenes and what how they weren’t just individual scenes but changed the relationship going forward. Much appreciated! Oh and one more thing re: Saul and Carrie, sorry I forgot. Can you also venture a guess what it means in practice? What do you think will happen between them that will feel like closure or catharsis or something that’s expected of a show’s final season and perhaps finale as well?

Note #1: this became a lot longer than I expected (sorry, you asked!). Beyond what I’ve written, I challenge you to go back and watch these individual scenes. I’ve chosen ones from each season to illustrate the full arc of their relationship. Observe the differences in Claire and Mandy’s body language, in their facial expressions, in their discomfort, in the shared trauma of what’s come before. It’s deliberate writing and deliberate acting. Shorter version of this post is here, from April 2018.

Note #2: I chose almost exclusively scenes of conflict to represent the evolution of their relationship because I believe that conflict drives change.

PROLOGUE:

To understand the Carrie and Saul relationship, we’ve got to understand what their relationship was before we met them. From what we know, Saul recruited Carrie, straight out of college. He saw in her something special and unique, something that didn’t come around every other day. She was gifted but she was also alone. She had no partner. She was socially isolated from her family and from the world (he didn’t yet know of her mental illness). This was an advantage of sorts. It meant she could give herself more and more to the work, same as he did. Remember this is his Achilles’ heel: whenever they call, he picks up. He doesn’t know how not to. It destroyed his marriage. But he molds her in his image. He teaches her, he raises her, the way a father would his daughter. He brings her up. Their relationship melds the boundaries of teacher/student, boss/employee, mentor/mentee, and father/daughter. It’s personal, and it’s deeply intimate.

This is what we are given before the pilot and it’s what we’ve grappled with for nearly eight years: his attempts to harness her gifts–often to her detriment–and her simultaneous resentment of him for it and unwavering yearning for his approval.

Key Scenes in the Carrie and Saul Canon:

#1: “What happened to the Saul Berenson that trekked the Karakoram?”: Much of the season one conflict between Carrie and Saul comes from her three thousand miles an hour suspicion of Brody and him being like “whoa slow down pls.” He is the first person she tells of these suspicions and he essentially shoots her down, causing her to go rogue. It’s here where the lines become blurred between boss/protege and father/daughter, because the way in which he chastises and punishes her feels awfully familial.

So when Carrie finally reaches a breaking point in “Blind Spot” (the original Carrie Mathison Appreciation Episode), we feel that as though a family is breaking up. It doesn’t matter that she comes crawling back to him, just an episode later, remorseful.

Carrie underlines just how much Saul has changed: in her words, from the man who “did three months in a Malaysian prison” (HELLO???? repeat: he raised her in his image) to a pussy. We understand that Carrie and Saul are both outsiders in the CIA. We understand that Saul is still grappling with his former employee David Estes bring promoted over him. While Carrie truly seems to not give a fuck, Saul keeps in line. He says “yes, sir.” He advises caution. None of these are inherently bad qualities but in this scene we come to understand that what drew Carrie to Saul was not his caution, his yin to her yang, but his daring and bravery and “FUCK THE CIA” mentality (there’s a reason why that line is in this episode too).

#2: “You don’t know a goddamned thing”: This scene is now famous for lines like “you’re the smartest and dumbest fucking person I’ve ever known” (he’s not wrong) but this scene is actually one of the more important ones ever on this show, and I still maintain that t“The Choice” is the mos important ever Homeland episode. As to why this scene itself is significant in their relationship, I’ll allow Jacob Clifton to explain:

Saul is one thing only, and his love for Carrie comes out of the idea that they are the same. And he’s right. But because she’s giving up herself to something he can’t, it looks like they are not the same. It looks ugly to him. He fights it like an addict fights recovery, striking blindly at her softest places because can’t stand the change in vector: Her madness is only acceptable as long as it’s useful; her self-abnegation is only positive so long as he can understand it.

I bolded that last sentence because it’s almost shockingly predictive of future seasons. We can hem and haw all we want about Saul’s relative rightness about Carrie leaving the CIA for Brody being a terrible decision, but the truth is that he would have done it regardless of who Brody was. He would have done it if she’d left with Quinn, with Jonas, with Otto, with Estes, with anyone, or all by herself. I don’t actually believe that Saul wants Carrie to be miserable. I just think he doesn’t care. I think he sees her gifts, her “saving the world” (to be totally Mandy Patinkin about it) as a more profound and upright calling than, for example: having a family, being a mother, having an integrated and whole personal life… the list goes on.

But the moment when Carrie tells him she doesn’t want to end up alone her whole life, like him, is probably the first great fissure in what was until then a generally even relationship. It establishes her desire for… something beyond everything he’d ever shown her (she literally turns down the greatest career opportunity ever for THE DUDE IN THE SUICIDE VEST… and like, did we ever consider that wasn’t really about Carrie loving Brody so much but more about how much she really didn’t fucking want to be Saul????). She threatens his control and he strikes her at the knees.

#3: Literally all of season three: It’s difficult to choose a single scene in season three to encapsulate just how much Carrie and Saul’s relationship this season was changed but let’s just discuss the overall arc:

Saul and Carrie come up with a plan to lure out Javadi (i.e., Iran) since they know he’s partially responsible for the Langley bombing. In their shared plan, Carrie will pretend to be crazy in front of the Senate and the press so that she seems vulnerable to the influence of a foreign power. Coolness.

Except Saul changes the plan in the middle and:

Publicly blames the Langley bombing on Carrie

Outs Carrie’s sexual relationship with Brody on national television

Has Carrie committed to a mental institution for four weeks with little to no contact with the outside world

Sics Dar fucking Adal on her when she gets out of the mental institution in order to maintain the cover

The scene at the end of “Game On” where Carrie comes to Saul’s house and tells him the plan has worked is devastating to watch. I don’t think it was entirely clear at the time just how much Saul’s plan had strayed from their shared vision until Carrie tells him, through tears, “you should have gotten me out of there, Saul. You shouldn’t have left me in there.” He doesn’t say anything in response. When she tells him it’s too hard, she can’t keep going, he offers her some tea. It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking sad.

Again:

Her madness is only acceptable as long as it’s useful; her self-abnegation is only positive so long as he can understand it.

Season three was all about that: about the lengths Saul would go with Carrie’s own illness, and how far along she’d left herself go too. Javadi literally makes a speech about it.

Now, Carrie wasn’t forced to do any of this (well, except the mental institution, that was extremely forced). We see at times how desperately she craves his attention and approval: in “Tower of David,” when she pleads with her therapist to give a good report back to Saul; in “The Yoga Play,” where he berates her for getting involved in Brody Family Drama and tells her she’s ruined everything and ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THAT NOW CARRIE (god, the father/daughter vibes in that one are nauseating); in “Still Positive” when she calls him, triumphant, after having arranged the meeting with Javadi and he’s like “oh yeah by the way we lost you for a few hours there.”

(This doesn’t fit into the above theme but the scene at the end of “One Last Thing” when Carrie tells him in order for any of this shit to work they have to trust each other is one of the most interesting and important scenes of the whole season, simply because it implies one easy truth: they don’t trust each other. And what a change that is from earlier seasons.)

And yet, he needed her for it all to work. Saul may have been the mastermind of the entire clusterfuck of season three (better on rewatch than you would think!), but without Carrie literally every step of the way, it would have gone up in flames. She lured Javadi to America with her 95%-based-in-reality mania. She convinced Brody to go to Iran knowing it would almost certainly end in his death. And then she went straight along to Tehran knowing she’d probably have to witness it all.

The end of season three is super interesting in their relationship because I believe in my gut and in my soul that Carrie still resents Saul for convincing her to convince Brody to go kill himself. I really believe this. Again, she wasn’t forced. She did this of her own volition. But he planted the seed in her head, and I think some part of Carrie–likely equal parts rational and irrational–blames him for it, even as she mostly blames herself.

I won’t even mention Saul’s complete un-acknowledgement of Carrie being nine months pregnant in the last half of “The Star” but Saul basically ignoring Carrie’s child for four years is more significant than we give it credit for.

#4: “Escape or die. I promise.” The season four relationship between Carrie and Saul is interesting because it upends their previous dynamic. Carrie and Saul were always outsiders in the agency, but now he’s actually on the outside and she’s ascended, more an insider than ever. Also, I know part of it was grief, and again this is not an absolution, but where else do we think Carrie learned her casual disregard for human life? I’m just saying, season four came after season three.

So anyway, when Carrie promises to Saul that he’ll kill him before letting him be re-captured by the Taliban, we almost sort of believe her. She nearly killed him once before (wanna know the quickest way to get me from 0 to 1500 words on this show? mention the end of “From A to B and Back Again.” but actually don’t please).

The middle episodes of season four–Carrie nearly killing Saul, reneging on her promise to kill him, and then tearfully saving him from himself–are extremely moving. And they cement the arc of that entire season, of Carrie ascending where Saul had fallen. “The student becomes the master” (or the Drone Queen, rather) and all that jazz. Her journey to save her soul coincided with her journey to save him. Is that coincidental? Saul stopped being Carrie’s moral compass around the time he lied to her and had her committed. But just as Carrie is finding her way amid the chaos and fog of war, Saul is making backdoor deals with Dar fucking Adal to turn a blind eye to Haqqani’s reign of terror so that he could go and be the CIA director again.

Saul preached idealism and goodness and morality in an increasingly terrorized, dangerous, chaotic world. He raised her in that image. She strayed, but was finding her way back to it. In those final moments of season four, that betrayal is complete. She detaches from him. And their relationship is forever altered.

#5: “There’s a line between us that you drew. Forget that. There’s a fucking wall.” Oh, season five. This is getting really long so I’ll try to be succinct: Carrie and Saul’s relationship in season five is about her being in mortal danger and him being like “lol good luck….. NOT.” Ok, it’s only like that for an episode.

How do they come back from the damage done at the end of season four? I think the answer is that they didn’t. They’re not healed from it. Parts of Carrie don’t trust Saul, and parts of Saul don’t trust Carrie. There are the surface elements of course: Carrie went and found a cool life in Berlin, riding bikes and wearing balloon hats and such, working for a man whose ideals often stood in direct counter to the CIA’s. In effect, she basically went and did the opposite of everything Saul had ever done. That this all comes in a time of real upheaval in Saul’s personal life (Mira divorced him, he’s literally fucking a Russian mole) only makes his ego more volatile.

And then we have The Landstuhl Conundrum. I’m calling it this because it doesn’t yet have a name but I’m referring to the moment when the doctors say that they can’t wake Quinn from a coma, because if they do he will probably die or have irreversible brain damage. But Carrie and Saul believe he has valuable information about a terror cell that he’d eagerly share after coming out of said coma. Honestly!!! This show is extremely ridiculous sometimes.

Anyway Saul is like “what would you want me to do if it were you lying there,” implying DUH she’d have him wake her. She says she can’t speak for Quinn. Well apparently she can, because she wakes him. Cue the irreversible brain damage, the almost-death.

Later Saul comes to see her and Quinn at the hospital and asks how he is. “Not great,” she replies tersely. He tells her he didn’t come here to fight with her.

Resentment City: Population of 1. I’ve actually beat this drum for a few years, but I still think that Carrie harbors resentment toward Saul for coercing her into waking Quinn. First Brody, then Quinn. This isn’t meant to absolve Carrie of blame. She convinced Brody to go to Tehran because she believed in that mission. She woke Quinn because she believed in that mission. But I do think that Saul gave her a nudge and I’m not 100% convinced that without his influence she’d have made the same choices. When we talk about Saul teaching Carrie, about him mentoring her… and then we talk about Carrie having no regard for human life, of choosing mission over man, time after time… how much of that is her nature and how much is him nurturing her toward that outcome?

#6: “Maybe I don’t like the idea of you worrying about me.” Season six is spectacularly dull on many fronts, and the Carrie/Saul relationship is not the centerpiece. The evolution of their relationship after Berlin has taken the shape of something like season three. Saul needs Carrie’s help, she’s in no position to give it, he coaxes her with some terrifying outcome If She Won’t, then she agrees, and things still Turn Out Shitty For Her.

Ultimately I think this season highlights that whatever difficulties they now have working with each other, whatever trust issues they both still harbor, at the end of the day it is ALWAYS Carrie and Saul Versus the World. That’s always what this story has been (though this is extremely different from their relationship being the same as it’s always been), and it’s what the show comes back to after Quinn’s death.

He still cares about her. She tells him not to, he’s not her fucking father. This is one of the great complexities of their relationship: Saul often does coddle her the way a father would a daughter, but he’s a firm believer in tough love and all the forms that can take.

Again, I don’t think that Saul wants Carrie to be miserable. I also don’t think he wants her to happy. Her personal fulfillment and well-being is just entirely secondary to her role in his own mission of Whatever The Fuck. I mean I guess his mission is for the world to be more peaceful and better but like… y’know how Thanos thinks that killing half the universe’s population will help with the suffering caused by overpopulation? I’m not saying Saul is Thanos. But they’re both deranged males! (Also, if y’all don’t think Saul would Gamora Carrie right up outta this dimension if it meant fulfilling his life’s mission then please let me sell you this Homeland lamp!) (But honestly, I’m not saying Saul is as bad as Thanos.) (Do not send in asks about this.)

#7: “You’ve given me a hard time these last few years.” Season seven takes the post-Berlin foundation that season six built and adds some new interesting layers that are like a weird inversion/combo of seasons four and five. Carrie’s more on the outside than she’s ever been and now Saul’s the one who’s gone to work for the enemy.

Still, no matter whatever shit has gone down between them, it’s still Carrie and Saul Versus the World. The show highlights some key ideas in the last three episodes. First, it fully acknowledges that whenever Saul comes calling, Carrie will always answer. Remember how he said this was his Achilles’ heel? Remember how in that same episode Carrie said she was going to be alone her whole life? Remember how Saul raised Carrie in his image? These callbacks are not evidence of stagnation of their relationship; they’re references to its elemental core.

Second, the show finally has Carrie acknowledge the… um… storm of shit Saul has put her through while also fully copping to the extreme codependence of their entire relationship:

I’ve not come all this way in that fucking plane and in my life to fail in that mission when I know I can succeed. You’ve given me a hard time the past few years. I’m in, I’m out, I’m all over the place. I am not all over the place now. I’m here and I’m all in, and I need you to say yes.

She pledges her devotion to the mission (above all else). She acknowledges Saul’s hot-and-cold nature with her. And then she says SHE STILL NEEDS HIS APPROVAL because–say it with me–they are in an extremely! toxic! relationship!

In a nutshell, the evolution of the discord in Carrie and Saul’s relationship started with him putting her life at risk in service of the mission. And now we’re at a point where she fully fucking volunteers for the task! In my heart of hearts I think a non-zero part of Carrie is doing it so he will love her more. Did I mention they are in a codependent relationship?

So where do we go from here?

If you are still reading, congratulations! That’ll teach you to ask me a question about Carrie and Saul! Actually, about five questions were asked. The last–what will happen in season eight that will feel at all like a catharsis–is not one that I’ve actually thought that much about.

I think I’ve made a case for Carrie and Saul’s relationship being the soul of this show–its mangled, twisted soul. The truth is their relationship is toxic. They are both their best and worst selves with each other. Like family, they know what buttons to push, and where to strike to make it hurt the most.

What catharsis looks like in this relationship depends a lot on how you see this relationship. For example, it would be cathartic for me for Saul to die, but that will almost certainly not happen. It would be cathartic for Carrie to strike out on her own–finally–and attempt some type of fulfillment. Also very unlikely.

If I had to guess about what the end of this story will look like for them, it’s probably with Carrie dead. Probably on a mission Saul convinced her to believe in.

Saul’s been alone his entire life. He will never be less alone because Carrie is alive. I guess that’s the prison he has to live in. And then maybe she’ll finally be free of hers.

EPILOGUE:

The above is a reading of their relationship that is quite sympathetic to Carrie, obviously, and quite unsympathetic to Saul, also obviously. You will probably disagree. Gail has written very interesting stuff on how the dynamic of the Carrie/Saul relationship is most like handler/asset. I think that is a very astute perspective and there are definitely aspects of it but I think the relationship more resembles the trope of found family: she is the daughter he never had and he is the stable father she never had, and they will both ruin each other. Fin!

#Anonymous #ask #hyh ask #by: sara #carrie and saul #homeland meta #long ass post

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medievalcat · 6 years

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ok. I finished Children of God (sequel to The Sparrow), and while I was able to follow it better than when I first read it (I think I was really distracted a few years ago, and had trouble focusing).....I didn’t like it as much as the first one, which I’m aware isn’t an unpopular opinion, even though I didn’t hate all of it. Here are my thoughts on why it didnt work imo and what I did like about it.

The Sparrow would naturally be a hard act to follow, and I get that sometimes sequels do different things than the first installations. book one is about Emilio and book two is about Rakhat. Okay. I think there’s a lot of interesting material that could have been made of Emilio, John, and all the new guys visiting Rakhat years after the first expedition. It’s what the author did- and, really, this was present in the first book as well, and one of the first book’s issues, but here it’s really one of the main points of the story and far more prominent than ever before- that didn’t succeed. It’s the story of Rakhat....but given how Rakhat is written, maybe it shouldnt have been. This book honestly ranged from “enjoyable” to “disappointing” to “implicitly or explicitly expressing horrible views”.

It’s one thing to make an oppression storyline in a fantasy setting- FMA for example does this. But in that, the victims are humans. In this, not only does the story do an oppression narrative about fantasy creatures, which is already a very difficult thing to pull off, she repeatedly draws comparisons between nonhuman aliens and things like the Holocaust and genocide and oppression of Native Americans. She even has her one native character draw this comparison and *stay behind on another planet instead of going to earth* for some “reservation” plotline at the end. This is a good example of why when we criticize media sometimes we have to focus specifically on the writers who choose to make these events happen, who choose to write certain stories and who choose to frame them in certain ways. I’m kind of glad this book doesn’t have a fandom, really, because tumblr types would focus on which aliens’ side is “right” and not on the fact that the author chose to write some fantasy creature oppression story with incoherent imperialism commentary while trivializing real genocides. I remember a really uncomfortable paragraph in the first one that implied the Ottoman Empire was some kind of safe haven for all ethnic/religious groups as well as a line (keep in mind these were written in the 90s) about how Bosnia is violent because of ............ “blood feuds”. Many people have said this story is weak because it focused on these new alien characters and the Rakhat storyline so much. This, for me, is the main reason why that storyline was so weak.

One thing I liked was some of the new characters. I liked Danny and Joseba and Nico and Sean and Gina and Pope Gelasius. I think this book kind of did a “later season of Vikings” so that there were suddenly all these new people but few of them got good development. So that was a weakness but I didn’t mind many of the characters in and of themselves and enjoyed these new additions. Sure they weren’t like the people in the first book but that’s okay. They added new perspectives. Danny had a lot of interesting stuff about forgiveness that I liked. I also liked initially how Sofia was revealed to be alive but....she was shafted. We barely see her in favor of her badly offensively written written son (I know this was written 20 years ago but. the way he and his disability are portrayed as like...literally “alien” even though ths is supposed to be a “positive”.... is honestly....why the living fuck did she do this....) and Supaari’s daughter who he CONCEIVED FROM RAPE and we’re just supposed to be ok with that bc the author very conveniently wrote the victim to be as unsympathetic as possible and because “uwu miracle of life!! yay children!” I’m supposed to buy that Sofia, a child trafficking survivor, is allies and friends with a man who not only is a rapist but sold a person she loved into sex slavery.......after the narrative called to attention how similar Sofia and Emilio’s experiences were, and the first book was an imperfect story but a deep introspective exploration of the effects of SA.....lol ok. And then she gets killed off at the end offscreen in a single sentence.

There’s also....I really doubt she intended some of this but it’s clearly in the story .... it really has bad implications, that the only relations between men are abusive in both books. there are literally no other relations between men, even though there is a gay character (who I understand is a celibate priest, and having a gay priest is cool!) but....it just doesnt have good implications that relations between men are only ever presented as bad. especially because the thing that truly “heals” Emilio is being with a woman and I think in our society (and thus our media) we have a real problem with thinking that “healing” as a sexual abuse victim means having sex with a man if youre a woman and with a woman if you’re a man, and that male sa victims of men are only really victims if they like women (and, of course, women sa victims in general just have to like men). Of course there is nothing wrong with Gina, I loved her, and nothing is wrong with writing an sa survivor who is able to have a relationship after. But MDR killed her off for no good reason. The other crew members dying in the first book, those were well written character deaths. and how many times did she do the “this woman died but thats whatever narratively, because she has a kid uwu miracle of life” thing in this sequel. I think MDR is like GRRM in that she has good intentions clearly, and has such good sff works/characters and takes oh the Human Experience and everything, but doesn’t always know how to handle issues in a responsible way and it’s really glaring even if there are obviously worse people in media. To be honest (and again, here Im glad there’s no fandom, because people are so weird about this stuff) MDR should have just had Emilio and John be together. “Your friendship should have been proof enough of God” ???????? hello?????? Their relationship was one of the things that actually was well fleshed out in the sequel until John and all the other guys who weren’t in the Camorra just.....stayed on Rakhat forever.

Part of the handling of Sofia seemed like a broader pattern of the plot being completely forced. Everything happens for some sake of The Plot- this is something later seasons of GOT have been criticized for. This plot in particular, in addition to the alien oppression metaphor, seemed to want to make everything about the story in particular its end be some kind of “bookend” to mirror the first book. Sofia dies (for real this time. honestly....her death in the first one was good writing!), Emilio and his unlikely escorts go home, no one else gets to go home, there’s a huge societal upheaval on Rakhat because of the humans, a huge reveal about Rakhat’s “divine” music. I have nothing against this kind of narrative device but when it’s this forced to the point where the story is blatantly constructed for the sake of this......it didn’t work. The “music” plot twist was like..............really??? All of that? They’re staying on this planet? If they had all gotten more time in the story (because this book is the same length as the first book but has far more different subplots and far longer of a timespan and far more narrators) we might find that more plausible. I don’t think everything needs to be spelled out for us. In the first book when everyone is stranded, it’s clear that they think this is tragic, but they are trying to make the best of it because they all love each other and are together. In this one they don’t all have that kind of bond and it’s dependent on the long-winded and incoherent Rakhat political storyline. Because a lot of it isn’t even that well developed in addition to the earlier addressed things. We go between random one-off characters. So much is about the war but it’s written so anti-climatically. Sofia broke down in the first book when she learned they were stranded, and now she doesn’t care at all about returning back to Earth because the Runa are “her people” now, but how much of that is really what she tells herself to cope with what she lost- and what she experienced on earth in her youth? we don’t know. The Pope just....sent Emilio who became probably the most infamous person on Earth, back into space, and it wasn’t a big deal for the Church or at all? And all it took for it to happen was a handful of Camorra men with Vatican connections, who were just adapted so well to space travel and extended time on a new planet that initially made the people in the first book sick when transitioning into life there? And let me reiterate we’re supposed to accept that the divinely ordained reason all this happened was because Isaac wrote music inspired by human and alien dna and it sounded wonderful?

This just felt very forced. “Emilio never wants to go back to Rakhat so obviously this book has to be about how he goes back there and accepts that it actually happened for a Good Reason bc of some music, and music was the way they found it in the first place.” How about how he accepts that it happened and comes to terms with what happened to him without either hating himself for his actions or thinking it was all For The Greater Good Actually, because you cant undo the past, aka what the first book was building up to and culminated in? idk. the first book was all about how bad things happen and that this doesn’t mean we have to give up our faith even if we question our faith. this was more like “every cloud has a silver lining lol”.

There were many nice things- Emilio’s friendship with Nico, many of the moments with Sofia towards the end and her reuniting with Emilio, John getting more to do, the new Pope, Celestina ending up having an important job as a theater and leaving a trail of men in her wake lol. I don’t want to say don’t read this. But if you like the first book you might not like this one, and if you’re considering reading the first book, it.....works best as a standalone.

#i say things #book blogging #given that this talks about uh certain Things i'd prefer no reblogs lol

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pathfindersemail · 7 years

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I will quote you bc im afraid of messing it up: "Annoyingly enough, most self-doubt and insecurities their characters express are rooted exclusively to the LI, which I find highly problematic. As opposed to, say, the LI bringing out (by way of the need to change their relationship because the protag is not helping their relationship or if that LI is a dick) these pre-existing doubts and insecurities (which IMO is much more interesting)." I'm mostly confused with the last sentence.

Oh I see! Got you nonny. If you don’t mind, I’m gonna use a Reyder example LMAO! (I’m not obsessed...)

So I kind of like find it weird when r characters are only like... unsure or insecure about themselves if an LI is about to leave them. How many Ryder fics have I read where Ryder is scared to death that Reyes will leave them? Or, conversely, Reyes is scared to death Ryder won’t accept him for who he is?

Now this reaction is completely natural in any imminent breakup setting (and can be in fact interesting as I have used it as a plot point), but what isn’t natural (much less interesting) is the utter lack of pre-existing insecurities and doubts that contour the resulting fights, arguments, and heartbreak.

Reyes is compelling to me because any sense of tragedy he feels should Ryder leave him stems from an already-existing insecurity he has with himself. If you did a PT where you break up with Reyes, you find out that he doesn’t connect the breakup with an existential crisis (neither explicitly nor implicitly). However, he does connect the breakup with his already-existing doubts about being able to find someone who accepts him for who he is.

Ex:

Ryder: you’re not the man I thought you were.

Reyes: I wanted to be

And you know what fucking happens after?!

Ryder: So what now?

Reyes: We get to work

He affords himself a millisecond of authenticity and vulnerability before quickly resuming his mask as the Charlatan. This guy no longer wants to be that safe and vulnerable with someone who rejected who he was, and it almost as if he feels like Ryder confirmed his self-doubts in breaking up with him.

In the other scenario where a Ryder expresses doubt about their relationship with Reyes, I’ve seen instances where they lament the prospect of abandonment and being toyed with because of Reyes, which imo puts the fault unfairly and squarely on Reyes.

The one fic I can think of that does this very well in connecting a troubled relationship with Reyes with the Ryders’ specific and pre-existing insecurities about their competence, morality, etc. is Substitute with Molasses by snappleducated or @smartalker:

They break up when Liam takes a shot to the arm. He'd gotten it by jumping in front of his Pathfinder, probably saving her life, as a woman in old armor and older skin swears, reloads. The reports say she'd gone down screaming about the Charlatan's whore, the Initiative's lies. Five minutes on the net show that her son hadn't survived cryo.

As usual, Ryder takes it hard. She spends the night arguing, kissing, breaking free of him. When she gets drunk enough she won't stop holding her arm, the same place Kosta had been shot. When it's just getting to early morning he coaxes her to bed and she lies awake facing him, her expression uneasy, a mess of contradictions.

“What if I had just been a regular person?” she baits him. She’s always baiting him, testing her safety nets. “I bet you wouldn’t have cared about me at all.”

Now, the subtext behind a passage like this, is that Ryder isn’t just worried/guilty about people under her command being hurt; she isn’t just upset that her intimacy with Reyes got other people hurt. Yes these things hold true, but what the writer ultimately reveals is that the Pathfinder doesn’t really regret paying this price to be with Reyes (”as usual”... how many times has this happened?!). What bothers her is that, in order to undo all the damage she believes she caused, she must go back to being normal or a “regular person” - a person she believes Reyes has no interest in.

“What if I had just been a reegular person?” she baits him

My god what a powerful action word. She is baiting, which speaks volumes about her feelings of guilt, self-awareness, and pre-existing doubts about who she is as the Pathfinder and who she is as just “Ryder.” The two are held in tension throughout the short story, and it is only when she is alone with Reyes does it unravel. Why? Because he, as the LI, brings out these insecurities, one of which is her inability to dissociate herself from her political role, identity, and responsibility.

I actually super recommend this fic for being able to weave together two messed up people and how their beautiful relationship brings it out to make something worthwhile and better.

I hope this clears up what I mean about characters who are insecure BECAUSE of their LI vs characters who have always been insecure and their LI brings it out (to cope or to exacerbate). I find the latter more interesting because it progresses plot, for one, and it also gives the protag room to grow apart from the LI.

Thanks again!

#Reyes Vidal #meta #Anonymous

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cyarikryze · 7 years

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broken mirror; chapter 5

major abuse trigger warning for this one. realise the story is moving pretty fast but better than boring filler chapters imo ---- “Is everything alright?” Julian asks me - I feel his eyes on me without even looking up. “You don’t seem yourself.” “I’m fine,” I lie, able to hear the strain in my own voice and tell how fake it sounds. He’ll probably be able to tell that I’m lying. He always has been. I’ve never been able to lie to him. “You never say you’re fine, not when you mean it. And you won’t look at me -” I swallow, keeping my head down, afraid to meet what I’m sure is his worried gaze, “that means you’re lying. Is something going on?” “No - nothing’s going on. I just - I guess - I haven’t felt too great lately. I think it could be - you know,” and I can’t say it out loud. Even the thought of it is making me feel nauseous. My hands are shaking. I run one through my hair, closing my eyes tightly. “Oh God, Mels, I’m sorry,” I feel his hand on my back, and just this almost brings me to tears; comfort is such a rarity and a luxury to me that it comes as a surprise. And the fact that it comes from him sends a pang through my heart. “Does Ian know about all of this?” “He - doesn’t think it’s real. Thinks - thinks it’s something I can just - get over…” I finally let myself look up at him, and the second I meet his eyes, my own burn with tears. I breathe in deeply, trying to hold it in. But I can’t. I shake my head and bring a hand to my forehead. “Oh no - come here,” he pulls me towards him, and as he does, I can’t stop myself from breaking down. I feel guilty, crying to him like this, even telling him all of this when I know how he feels about it. It feels wrong. And yet, at the same time, it feels completely right. Like I’m coming home after a long, hard day. “I’m so sorry he feels that way, Mels. I understand it’s hard for you to talk about, as well.” “It’s j-just s-so ha-hard that he duh-doesn’t - u-understand it…” I gasp, bringing a hand to my mouth, trying my hardest to keep my breathing under control. I know that the last thing I need right now is an attack. “I know, it must be so hard… hey, shh, I’ve got you, you’re okay…” he keeps rubbing my back, presses his lips against the top of my head. It feels good, I realise, to have someone to cry to. It’s something I don’t think I have back home. “Have you thought about seeing someone? Maybe if you got a diagnosis, it would be different. Maybe he’d take it seriously.” “I d-don’t know…” I talk only when I feel I can, in between my sobs, so that he can actually make sense of what I say, “I doubt it’s - serious enough - and - th-the thought of tuh-talking to anyone about it - that isn’t - you or Zoe - it just - makes me feel so… nauseous.” “Mels, sweetheart, I don’t think there’s such thing as it not being serious enough.” “I don’t know - I just - I can’t right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. I just - it’s easier if I just ignore it. If I just - pretend it isn’t happening. If I go and I get diagnosed with something then - I have to live with that. I have to live with the sympathy and the pity from everyone, and some people still won’t believe me, I’m sure. There are always gonna be people who don’t take things like this seriously. Diagnoses won’t change that. I don’t think anything ever will. I - I just can’t. I just - want to have you and Zoe.” I pull away from him to look at him, biting my lip. “I mean, do I wish that Ian would understand it? Of course I do. But if he’s that close minded - I just - I doubt he ever will understand.” “I - I understand that, Mels. I really do. I just want you to get help if you need it. I can barely stand to see you like this, at all.” “I know. That means a lot to me. It really does. Just - I don’t know. Maybe I will see someone eventually, but right now - right now I just don’t want to have to deal with it.” “Alright. I understand that. It’s your choice,” I stay silent for a moment, looking down and focusing on the ground. He doesn’t speak again at first. I close my eyes and sigh. “Is everything else okay with you? Like, with you and Ian. Is there anything else going on, besides him not really understanding you?” “N-no,” I lie, careful not to bite my lip or pick at my skin as I know I normally do when I lie, in some attempt to convince him that I’m telling the truth, “no, everything’s fine. Absolutely fine. Great, in fact.” “Are you sure? Nothing’s causing all of this?” “Everything’s fine,” I repeat, now able to look at him and smile that smile I’ve perfected. I don’t think he believes me. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he doesn’t. But he seems to give up, for which I find myself somewhat grateful. I’m not ready for him to know about everything yet. Whether or not I ever will be is yet to be determined. I just know that, at this moment, I don’t want him to know. I fear for him looking at me differently, I think. “Do you want a drink? Some tea or coffee?” he asks, as though our conversation never happened. I know I’m glad of this. I don’t want to dwell. That’s the one thing I can be completely certain of. “Ugh, yes! I thought you’d never ask. I’ve missed your cups of tea.” He chuckles, and leaves the room. I hear the running of water, a kettle boiling. I pull my phone out while he’s gone to check it - my heart gets caught in my throat. Ian: Where are you? Missed Call: Ian Ian: Why aren’t you answering your phone? Ian: Are you with him? Missed call (3): Ian Ian: Get home. My hands shake as I read the messages. I can’t tell him where I really am. And I don’t want to go back to him right now, not when he’s mad, not when I could be spending time with Julian, who I never get to see anymore due to the constant grasp Ian has had on me. “I’m with Sarah,” I type, my breath becoming a little more shallow. My head races with scenarios of how this can go wrong - the millions of ways he could somehow find out that I’m lying to him, how he’ll even react in the first place. I shake the thoughts away. “She’s had a fight with Natalie and she’s really upset. I promised I’d spend some time with her. I’ll be back as soon as I can be.” I slip my phone away as Julian walks back into the room. *** “Where the hell were you?” Ian growls as soon as I walk through the door. I feel sick. I close the door, keeping my back to him. “When I tell you to come home, you come the fuck home.” “I - I told you, I -” my breath keeps getting caught in my throats again, I can’t breathe deeply enough; my chest is tightening. “I h-had to - b-be with - Sarah - she - she was - really - upset-” “I don’t care,” I feel the heat of his body right behind me. I turn a little - I can smell alcohol on his breath again. “When I tell you to come home, you come home. You’re mine. You're mine and nobody else’s. I’ve made it quite clear to you that I don’t like you being around other people without me.” “I - I’m sorry, I - I sh-should’ve listened to you…” I don’t believe the words I say. Not at all. But maybe, maybe, if I say them enough I’ll start to believe them. Or maybe it’s better just to keep him thinking that I mean what I say. Maybe that will keep him happy. “Yeah, you should have. I’m getting sick of you being so disobedient.” I can’t breathe. My head’s spinning so badly that I feel like I could faint. My heart races more and more by the second, heat prickles over my body. I try to push past him. “Where the hell do you think you’re going now?” “I - n-need - I need -” I can’t finish my sentence to tell him of my need for fresh air. I bring a hand to my chest. “Need -” I gasp, and my knees give way. Everything, just for a moment, goes dark, pitch black. And then I’m on the floor again. I groan and try to push myself up, despite the spinning of my head. I feel sick. “God, how pathetic can you get?” Ian spits - I look up at him with a weak groan. I open my mouth to speak, maybe to protest, or defend myself, I don't know. Before I can even form any words, the tip of his boot connects with my ribs, hard. Again, and again. I gasp, push myself up and vomit. Ian jumps back. “Oh, for Christ’s sake. Now I have to clean up after you too? You stupid fucking bitch.” The tip of his boot connects with my ribs again, knocking me over to the floor. I gasp weakly, closing my eyes tightly. The pain searing through my torso is too unbearable for words. I don’t want to be here. I want to be anywhere else but here. I wish I hadn’t left Julian. I imagine Ian only would have gotten angrier the longer I’d stayed away. But I was safe with Julian. Physically, and mentally. I’m neither here, I know that. But I can’t just leave. I can’t. He’d find me again. He’d do so much worse to me than he could never do if I stayed, and God knows who else he’d hurt. I doubt anyone I care about would be safe. Ian roars something over me, but I can’t make out the words he speaks. I’m slipping out of consciousness, I think. I long for that. For that peaceful darkness. Just to take it all away from me, even just for a moment. I exhale slowly. The boot connects with my head, suddenly. The pain shocks me - my eyes fly open again. “Don’t you dare go to sleep!” he roars over me, and I hear his footsteps circling me. I groan again, let my eyes flutter shut. I can't open them again, no matter how much he screams at me. Every breath feels to me as though it may be my last. I hope each breath is. Pain shoots through my head again, and then cold nothingness finally overtakes me. *** I come to again on the floor. The same place I was in before. The light in the room is warmer, more orange now. I suppose I was out for a few hours. I close my eyes again. It hurts me to breathe. I can’t breathe more than small, shallow breaths. I can barely even keep my eyes open. I try, but they just flutter shut again. I can’t even move. Even that hurts. I groan, and with all the strength I can muster I bring a hand up to my head, touch gently where it hurts. I force my eyes open and stare at my fingers as the hand falls down. My fingers are stained with blood. My eyes flutter shut again.

#chrmilla: broken mirror #my writing #prose #spilled ink #writerscreed

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