hitoya likes people who are bad at thinking and i assume that’s because it’s easier to steamroll over them to get his desired result and i wish we got to see that side of him more often lol

The Palestinian/ Israeli situation in a simplified example

     I’m fascinated by how relationships between two individuals and all their details helps in understanding bigger, more complex human relationships. I’ve been diving deep, studying and reading books about narcissism and abusive relationships, then the Palestine/ Israel conflict popped up these days. I connected the dots to many aspects that I really didn’t pay any attention to before. I always had questions like: 

- Why are people turning a blind eye (especially from the west) when we are so obviously almost powerless in front of the Israeli military?

- What about the numbers? A minimum of 83 civilians in Gaza were killed in the previous days compared to 7 Israelis, whenever there is friction, we all know that Palestinians pay a higher price, more homes get destroyed, more children die, more families live in fear..etc.

A brief about narcissists, how they behave, and the link between Israel and Palestine. 

- All of us probably have seen or were in a relationship with the toxic people that they are. Narcissists are extremely good manipulators, they’ll find a way to always blame you for any problem, play on your weaknesses, your guilt and shame to make you actually feel guilty for things you didn’t even do. They turn tables, always try to catch a fight with you for no reason and have horrible outbursts of anger thrown at you.  If you try to stand your ground and defend yourself, you’ll be denied of this right because: How dare you be so heartless and abusive and not see their pain that led them to be angry at the first place? They’ll always switch to being a victim, they’re the ones that matter, they’re the ones always hurting, they will not see you because the universe obviously revolves around them. 

- Defending yourself is always going to be used against you, no matter how you use logic and common sense, they don’t operate the same way we do, it’s THEIR logic and THEIR common sense that matter (that only serves their own selfish benefits). Nothing you say will be heard, no effort will produce any results. If you try to give them a taste of their own poison, they’re only going to bully you more, attack you more and hurt you more.

- Narcissists organize people in hierarchies, in their head, those who deserve respect are those who are richer than them, higher in status, have more fame, are more successful.  A narcissist will disrespect, devalue, look down on those who are lower in hierarchy. That doesn’t mean they’re mean to everyone below them, narcissists are the ones who treat everyone so nice to serve their self image as a kind, amazing person, then treat their families and closed ones like shit behind closed doors. Their niceness is only that way because its serves a benefit to their ego.

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Important synonym: 

Narcissistic supply: Their fuel. Their main source of energy. In case of romantic relationships it is preying on naive, empathetic people who have weak boundaries. These people will give the narcissist what they want, attention, sacrifice and love (and of course the opposite treatment is devaluing, bullying and disrespect). Without this supply, a narcissist -literally- emotionally dies. Which is why going no contact or “ghosting” the narcissist in a romantic relationship drives them insane and causes them intolerable pain. 

In case of Israel, what’s feeding the parasite is the US aid and all the countries that stand by their side, approve of their state and feed their agenda. This approval is what is keeping them alive. Being short of this supply threatens their presence.

The narcissist’s allies: These are the people standing behind them, supporting them, believing them, enabling their behaviors. These allies are what feeds the narcissists ego, in case of a relationship, it’s his other (also abusive) friends who keep talking about how shitty they treat their wives, which makes the narcissist feel that what he’s doing is approved and normal. Without these allies, the narcissist would feel indifferent. He would start to feel a bit wrong if others seriously point out his behavior. Nothing strikes a narcissist as the feeling of indifference.

You might be wondering why do people fall prey to these monsters and date/ be-friend them?

The LOVE-BOMBING stage: The facade the narcissist puts to lure you in. It’s when the narcissist idolizes you, appreciates you, mirrors your good qualities to make you think you’re meant for each other. In the context of the conflict, it’s when Israel shows how compassionate and righteous of a state it is and makes connections with countries to be-friend them (then stabs them in the back).

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- You’ll always be the evil one: Because narcissists are master manipulators, they will convince people that their victim (ex.: abused wife) is crazy, even her own children would believe. The woman will find herself alone and everyone’s led to believe the abusive man just because of how charismatic and confident he sounds. This “crazy woman” is the equivalent of these “Hamas Terrorists”.  This card is used to discredit you as a human, a card to alienate, stop others from listening to your opinion nor rationalize your actions to defend yourself. Because why would you rationalize a woman who’s irrational? Why would you rationalize someone labeled “terrorist”? Terrorists just destroy right? They don’t think before doing anything they’re doing.

- Narcissists avoid responsibility at all costs, if you hold them accountable for their words or actions they’ll deny, gaslight and play the victim in order to avoid changing their behavior. They will always have an excuse, no matter what.

- These people KNOW they are wrong, they KNOW they’re being illogical, they KNOW their abuse and how it affects others. And they CHOOSE to stay like that because of the privileges that come with it. 

Conclusion: 

Using common sense doesn’t work with these people. They only recognize and would respect those who have power above them.

Appealing to their moral judgment is impossible.

The way to revenge, is NOT equal destruction. It is power, and turning everyone against them. Social media spreads awareness and Israel will not succeed in concealing their crimes for too long.  “ The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself.”

Those Arab countries who are friends with Israel is exactly as if the woman’s sister in an abusive relationship sides with the physically abusive husband just because he’s so charismatic and funny “How could you say such bad things about him?”, the abusive man: “See! even your sister thinks you’re crazy and don’t make sense!”. These Arab countries betray our Palestinian brothers and sisters and enable more abuse for them.

Why are people turning a blind eye?  Why don’t numbers matter?

Lets be honest, would you have more feelings of respect or more feelings of pity towards a woman who allowed herself to enter an abusive relationship? You’ll always have this question in your head: Why didn’t she just reject the guy when she saw the red flags in the early stages? People deeply have more feelings of pity or empathy over respect for those who allow themselves to be abused by others. 

But it’s different with the conflict, it’s not like a person to person situation. It’s more complex, because Arab governments at a point allowed this cancer to settle. Arab leaders DIDN’T represent their citizens and DIDN’T stand their ground and for sure had common interests with Israel, and no one respects those who betray their own people. Our generations will pay a price they didn’t have to pay, because of their decisions. Just like the abused woman’s kids will pay the price of being in a dysfunctional home, and having a cruel father, even though it’s not their fault, they didn’t choose this.

This puts a responsibility on us, individuals, to take action, send donations and unite as one to help and hope it does an impact.

Please don’t feel shame if you feel helpless. Just like the children who didn’t choose their bullying father. None of us, Arab citizens, chose this. We are paying prices we didn’t have to pay and we either decide to be responsible for it and turn it to productive actions or be bitter about it and give up (not recommended). All of us have to understand the dynamics of such problem and not guilt ourselves, and just do the best we can right now.

So, again, why do people turn a blind eye?

1- Refusing to look at the conflict as an international human rights violation. Same reason why there aren’t laws to regulate domestic violence in many countries and some will justify and say: “The woman chose this person herself”, “We have more important issues to solve”, - even though it can get extremely violent - which is failure to take responsibility for what’s right. Some consider it an Arab problem that Arabs just have to deal with, because they allowed it in the first place! So, international human rights foundations and those countries that have the power to do anything won’t take responsibility because it is against their interests and gain or simply because: “Why bother?”, and blame it on our governments, which kind of makes sense.

2- Because some see the Arab world as a nation that’s inferior. We are not in the top hierarchies in a lot of fields (economy, education, health care,..etc) in terms of what we add to the world or to our own citizens. This doesn’t mean we are failures at an individual level, we don’t lack what makes us excel, but we are seen generally (as countries) as mediocre. For many reasons, like poverty and ignorance. This way of thinking also follows the same ideology of a narcissist: only feel compassion and empathy towards others based on hierarchy.

3-Stereotypes. Since all the middle eastern news is not very decent. That puts the pressure on individuals to reinforce a good impression that their countries and societies failed to make, and correct the false impressions of them as well. If you’re Muslim/ Arab living abroad you might feel you have to smile wider just to prove you’re a good person. Which is very exhausting, and again, you’re paying a price you shouldn’t pay. For a mistake you didn’t make. Many won’t have that Arab friend to prove their stereotypes wrong, so they’ll just keep themselves busy with their own country’s issues.

4- Because people are not connected to us. Take South Korea as an example. They have achieved tremendous success in reaching people with their art and music, people from all over the world recognize their hard work and effort so they’ll therefore empathize with their pain. Don’t be surprised if twitter explodes with hashtags of a K-pop group member having a flu but no hashtags for children getting killed in Palestine. As much as it’s sad, it’s human nature to feel empathy towards those who you have emotional connection to.

5- Its a sensitive topic, so people just want to avoid any clash. They don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong and therefore feel like they don’t have enough info to judge the whole thing.

What to do?

Focus on ourselves, set valuable goals, have integrity.

Be aware that conflict is part of life, don’t paralyze yourself in negativity. 

Not be tricked to play the role of the victim. We can change so much if we focus our power into our strengths instead of dwelling.

Do our best to be the best person in our job and excel in our field.

Ending with two of my favorite quotes:

“It’s better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in war”

“When you begin the journey of revenge, be sure to dig two graves, one for your enemy and one for yourself.”

GAME RESENTS GAME

When you have a Cluster B personality disorder, you can spot others of your kind a mile off. Whether it’s something major like their temper and what it’s based around, or if it’s just the way they accidentally forget to smile in the middle of an insincere moment, we see eachother. We know. So what happens when we meet others of our type? I’ve been asked a few times how I think relationships between personality disorders usually go, and I’ve only got a few personal examples, but the examples I do have, have intrinsically and undeniably shaped my life in lots of ways, profoundly and significantly.  ASPD Surprise surprise, I really like other sociopaths. Not at first, mind. My first instinct with another antisocial is, “something’s off about this guy. Who does he think he fucking is? No, I don’t like him. There’s something about him I just don’t like.” I think this is probably because antisocials have such a lack of connection to ourselves and such disdain for ourselves (not to be confused with self-loathing) that to see ourselves mirrored can sometimes be destabilising. But sure enough, usually in barely any time at all, I grow to like that person a lot. They make me laugh, they say things that I can identify with. I am around someone with whom the jokes keep coming, there’s a sense of fluidity to the conversation, and whether I’ve come to know that person extremely well over the course of years, or whether I’ve only known them for a few months, there’s a fluency of shared in-jokes that haven’t been pre-established, and I like that. I can be partners in crime with other sociopaths. I can say things with impunity. There’s a kinship there, a brotherhood. I’ve mentioned him before, but my early adulthood was shaped by the influence of a best friend I will always remember as one of the finest people I have ever known. More of a factor 1 kind of psychopath, I hated him right away. I’d never immediately hated someone before, but he seemed smug, or self-assured, he seemed... I hate to admit it, but the first time I saw him, we were in a room full of people and he looked better than everyone else (including me) and he seemed more interesting than everyone else (including me) and people seemed really interested in him (more so than me) and he looked really sure of himself (just like I like to be). Looking back I felt intimidated by who I immediately identified as being the top of the food chain. He later told me, and made very clear to me, his immediate reaction to me was much the same. Over the course of just a few weeks, we became friends, then best friends, then we had a bond that was like brotherhood, kinship. Our friendship was one of solid loyalty, and whilst we really did piss eachother off quite a lot, there was something of an unspoken understanding that this was it and we were in this. I had more empathy for him than I’d ever had for anyone at that point. When I heard him talk, I felt I could finally talk.  I’ve met other sociopaths over the years, and I feel like I’ve gone into my tribe. I’m not normally a pack animal, but if it’s a wolf pack, I’m in.  BPD What I’m about to say is from personal experience, and is only from intimate relationships I have been in. I don’t rub along well with borderlines, historically. I will tell you why. And this is why I believe a lot of antisocials shouldn’t date borderlines -- it’s not fair on anyone.  I was in a three year relationship with a man with BPD, and it was a fucking nightmare. I’m self-sufficient, and I like my emotions to be my choice, especially where my empathy and compassion is concerned. I will support, love and trust, until I feel it’s being forced out of me, and then I will react, dismiss, disgust. The borderline I dated immediately latched onto every single part of my life, very quickly. It was like he was trying to become me. At first, I was flattered. I even entertained the idea that this was good for me, good for my ego maybe, if narcissistic supply is being told how great you are then antisocial supply is being powerful enough that people try to emulate you. He was very full-on at first, I remember feeling a little stifled by how constantly he needed to be in touch with me, he’d call me after work, during work, after the drinks after work, he’d call me when he was drunk because he thought he was so hilarious I’d die laughing and be grateful of the attention. And maybe that was his way of showing love, but I was not grateful of the attention, and it didn’t take me long to get bored of it. He was everywhere, and he was everyone, and he was nobody, all at once. His lack of identity and need for me to define it for him exhausted me, and angered me. It was like he wanted me to organise his entire life, tell him what to do, where to be, who to meet, what to say, and then once he realised his own codependence he’d become furious and react by, oh, I don’t know, contacting an ex, talking about former sexual partners, inventing an emotional crisis and then being pissed off I didn’t respond to it (once, after an argument: “Ugh, I guess I’m just a little tired today. It’s the two year anniversary of my ex-girlfriend’s father’s death.” ???). I had to always be there for him, no matter what, and his being there for me was insincere. His rage was equal to mine, and I admit that, he was angry all the time and I was angry all the time. Very quickly a battle of wills was established by the both of us, and for two whole years we were both jousting against eachother. But he would always try to win, by creating a crisis: he’d hurt himself in front of me, he’d perform sadness or pain in front of me (and was a bad actor), he’d “go missing” for a few hours then turn up “confused”, he’d pretend, pretend, pretend, and the more he needed my undivided attention and empathy, the more I resented him. And I would try to win by laughing or ignoring, and both of us came off as bad people, because both of us were being bad people. When he, as the DSM would word it, would frantically try to avoid abandonment, after a while, I would abandon as best I could, and with spite.  I think it’s nothing personal, the way antisocials are with borderlines, but I think it’s in our chemistry, or whatever magic it is that makes up Cluster B: antisocials need to be self-sufficient. We are generous and loving, but we covet that generosity and warmth extremely fiercely. We don’t respond to emotional provocation, we do not respect it. And we’re emotionally very cold, closed-off, and unavailable. Borderlines need to feel loved and catered for. They are too generous and loving, but they can’t seem to regulate all too well how that love comes out, what’s appropriate, what’s not. It’s not the fault of the person with BPD that insecurity has left them with a fear of abandonment, but it’s not the fault of the person with ASPD that abandonment is how we cope.  NPD Tough one, because again, I’ve known narcissists I’ve really liked. It’s the ones I’d call “Evolved” narcissists: they know what they’re about, who they are, why they’re doing what they’re doing, and whether they’re trying to change it or not is irrelevant, the self-awareness is enough. But then again, there’s something in narcissism, when it’s malignant and lacks all self-awareness, that I find almost delusional, I begin to wonder just how close to psychosis it really is, if they say that the “borderline” in Borderline Personality Disorder stands for “The borderline between neurosis and psychosis”, then how did narcissists escape that label? When grandiosity is that pervasive and delusional, I don’t understand how it isn’t a genuine psychotic disorder. It’s true that so many Cluster B traits intermingle with eachother, and the reason I don’t get on with narcissists as a rule and they don’t get on with me, is what I mentioned in my first part about ASPD -- a battle of wills is too quickly established. Narcissists are always looking for evidence that their crown is about to be toppled, and antisocials are always looking to attack, and to defy what’s been handed to them. Antisocials have narcissistic tendencies, but whilst a narcissist will always be a hero (or a victim) in every story they tell, the antisocial will be whatever the situation requires, but the antisocial doesn’t buy into their own bullshit. I’ve found in the past that a narcissist will rewrite history, but then curiously, believe their own retelling of the thing that never happened. Antisocials love to eke out insincerity, to either see how the situation unfolds, or to make someone squirm -- but narcissists seem to become so involved in their insincerity, they have no idea they’re no longer being sincere, or telling any kind of truth. I’ve had a few in my life, and maybe I’m biased because of that, but my most recent experience is the boyfriend of someone I used to be very close to. I think it’s the lying, or the fact that their manipulations really are very intricate, I’m not sure. But it’s ultimate control, impotent power, and hard to stick around for. But having said all that, my relationships to narcissists is probably a 30/70 split. For every handful of narcissists I meet that I hate, I meet one that I find truly amazing. After all, that confidence and that self-importance, it’s hard to look away.  HPD I literally have never met anyone with this diagnosis, and I’m not sure I even understand it myself. 

1-5 / some muses from the top of my head: emma, marley, parker, paisley, soren, sebastian, rina, ian, nathan and cassie.

oh whew, *cracks knuckles* here we go

 are you open to on-the-fly shipping with your muse?

honestly, yeah. some of my best things have come from just throwing two people together & winging it. i prefer plotting most days, or at least a ton of hcs once the ball gets rolling, but it’s mostly about the mun chemistry for me as well. because if we talk a lot out of character & seem equally excited about our ships. i’m game, regardless of how it started.

what sort of things does your muse look for in a partner?

okay so honestly starting with emma she’d need someone to match her energy which is very high once you get her out of her shell. someone that shares her love for the marvel universe and early 00′s cartoons would be great as well. but mostly someone equally outgoing. marley is a perfectionist so she’d need someone with aspirations that preferably lead to success. she’s definitely no scrubs and can’t see herself with someone who doesn’t put effort into both their life and appearance. parker spends so much time focusing on his own personal success that he’s mostly oblivious to love. he’d definitely need someone more emotionally mature and ready to settle down with a white picket fence. he’s too goal oriented to play games and needs someone with their life equally as mapped out. paisley loves chaos. someone that encourages her rebellion would be great. but mostly someone that shows her the unconditional love that her parents never did. soren, dear god, boy is as shallow as a kiddie pool. he doesn’t typically look for love, for the most part he doesn’t believe in it. he’s looking more for a one night stand that maybe turns into multiple nights if it’s good enough. but definitely no strings attached. he’s the type to accidentally fall in love if anything and then it’s an intense war zone. sebastian seeks stability more than anything. he’s immensely unstable himself and needs someone to level him out and pull his head out of his ass. he’s the type to blindly chase a pretty girl because shallow is as shallow does but grow bored quickly if there’s no emotional depth to her. rina would literally fall in love with a glass door knob that held her reflection. she carries her heart so loosely. it really doesn’t matter who the person is because she creates her own illusion in her head. ian is the type to fall in love with his best friend, one hundred percent. he’s so hard to get to open up but once breach that level of trust he’s loyal for life. he needs reassurance that you’re not going anywhere and he really just falls in love with the comfort of company. nathan loves a challenge. so someone that stimulates him and makes him want to become a better version of himself. he’s the type to fall in love with an enemy or a rival because he loves clashing opinions and opposing passion is an odd turn on for him. and finally whew, cassie is a hothead. she’d need someone that rivals her level of chaos. someone that has an equal amount of confidence, energy, and can handle when she loses her shit and screams on the top of her lungs and starts breaking things. she’s crazy, but we still love her in this house.

what sort of things does your muse AVOID in a partner?

prepare for another long answer. emma probably someone that’s lazy and disorganized. i could just see someone messy and with low energy being a total turnoff for her. marley definitely someone with poor hygiene or just puts minimal effort into their appearance, she’s shallow honestly. but also someone going no where in life because she’s not about to support anyone but herself. parker would struggle dating someone non intelligent..he’d get frustrated too often. but also immature. he needs someone intelligent and ready for that either family or power couple life. paisley could NOT date someone controlling. she’s put up with enough of that from her parents and to mirror that in a relationship, no thank you. soren could not date someone too innocent or clingy. he’s not soft, i’ve tried it before, and he really thrives off chaos and is not for the faint of heart. sebastian probably couldn’t date someone too controlling, it’s ironic because he thinks he likes zoe, but the second someone starts trying to play a parent to him and tell him how to live his life he’d lose it. he’s like paisley, he already has parental issues he’s rebelling against and doesn’t like to be told what to do. rina would be awful with a narcissist but unfortunately she sees the good in everyone so there’s not really anyone she actively avoids...but she should. ian avoids people that are good for him...i know, a mess. but if it’s not somehow overly complicated and they’re simply there to offer him love and support he feels almost undeserving of it. nathan probably people that blindly follow the crowd. he likes different and opinionated so someone that just blends would struggle to pique his interest. finally, cassie...this is awful but someone poor ? she’s grown up very materialistic. and if they weren’t wealthy they’d need a really strong, powerful, life of the party vibe.

what is the lowest and highest age person you’ll ship with your muse?

definitely no one under eighteen and unless it’s luca or levi probably no one over thirty. age gaps of over ten years for the most part make me a bit uncomfortable unless it’s within reason for the plot, like dahlia as a sugar baby. i usually try to stick within five years though.

how easily does your muse fall in love?

honestly, emma & rina pretty easily. emma is rather open hearted and willing to give just about anything a chance. then like i said, rina has a toxic trait of romanticizing anything. i’d say paisley, sebastian, & nathan fall somewhere in the middle. they sort of just need to find the right person and they’re pretty committal. paisley & sebastian are similar in the fact the main obstacle would be winning their parents approval. nathan mostly needs someone to bring out that side of him as he’s not very romantic in nature. parker & marley fall under a category i like to consider they’re already so in love with themselves and their work that they’d need someone equally as goal oriented. so not easy but also not hard. it’d probably be someone that mirrors them. soren & cassie fall under a category of HARD to love but easy to get their attention. they’re both chaotic and for the most part self absorbed. soren lacked the proper affection growing up so he really doesn’t know how to show it now that he’s grown. cassie has been taught her entire life that she doesn’t need anyone but herself and that she can accomplish anything so when you preach that power into a woman from a young age it’s difficult for her to settle for anything less than what she thinks she deserves. 

THE ANTI-VIRTUES OF POSITIVE MASCULINITY

Exploring the different virtues not conducive to the health of your masculine expression. Bolded are the anti-virtues, what follows in the brackets is different insights and distinctions, or other commentary around the theme of the anti-virtue being highlighted. Some food for thought for the manosphere after a longtime.

X - sloth  [sloppy on the outside is sloppy on the inside, clean on the outside is “cream” on the inside;  take it how you want, but one thing is a given—you’ll never meet a man who’s got a great, healthy, powerful self-image of himself that dresses crappy and acts sloppy or otherwise carries himself in a dull manner;  no, a man of true value treats himself as such—in manner, in deed and in virtue…fresh as f*ck]

X - laziness  [“the lazy man walks the same road twice”;  why waste your time and energy?;  value your time and energy (which if you don’t already, I promise you, having a purpose and path of pursuit for your life will definitely make you value your time and energy);  when you do value your life like this, your life begins to take on more power and expression;  every single person who values their life has life valuing them back, watch for this next time you meet such a person, chances are they take a lot of action in their life and have a lot of “rewards” to show for it;  action is what creates your life and living is a ‘verb’ so get moving because your laziness is your self-destruction]

X - entitlement  [does nothing for you and literally robs you of your personal progress;  it’s okay to setup a positive expectation for the way you view things and the outlooks you have on life and the people that you interact with, but never make demands of things that are not yours to begin with nor things that you have yet to earn—it sets up a bad precedent for your own psychology and leads you astray;  you have right to yourself, your thoughts, your actions, your choices, your body, your energy and the things that are generated by all of that, all the rest let it be & let it flow however it wants to;  you have a right to yourself, consume yourself with the knowledge of that and demand the best out of yourself]

X - passivity  [masculinity, the male essence, by virtue is the active principle in life so to allow yourself to be too passive in the way you go about your experience of life is unhealthy to say the least;  you want to stay active, stay in motion, stay flowing with the very juice that makes more of you;  go take the world full-on with the fullness of your desires, dreams, determinations;  there is a notion in sex consciousness that says how a man fucks his woman is how he fucks the world, meaning to say that how you relate to your own sexuality is a direct correlation to how you live your life;  just think about the potential of that one;  chances are that if you are a passive lover as a man then you are probably pretty passive in taking on your dreams and goals and not much is happening to move the needle forward in your life;  your passivity could lead to you being extremely stuck in life, think about it…]

X - immaturity  [is behaving like a child, not to be confused with being playful or spirited, and blaming others for not having your needs being met;  whining, complaining, tantrums, hissy-fits and other self-absorbing behavior is indicative of acting as a child;  to do so as a child is one thing, but to continue this sort of behavior well into your adult years is very unhealthy;  part of being a mature realized adult is working with and knowing the power you do have to make way for yourself and how you want to live;  you only enable your lack of power if you act immaturely;  an adult always takes responsibility for him/herself and are at cause for what’s transpiring in their world]

X - irresponsibility  [is not acknowledging your ability to respond to things in healthy, constructive, empowering manner;  also can be defined as carelessness and a refusal to hold yourself accountable for what you are required to do, whether they are family obligations or personal obligations that you have committed yourself for;  if you give someone your word that you will do something or follow through on some course of action then you better make sure that you are following through on that promise, otherwise you are being irresponsible]

X - irrationality  [lack of clear thought;  easily duped into other people’s ways of thinking;  unoriginal thought;  being a puppet and pawn to other people’s agendas;  hero-worship, to make anyone outside of yourself your hero is to give away your power to an outside source—and giving away your own power by choice is definitely irrational behavior, you are your own hero so step into that;  learn to think for yourself and see through bullshit, including your own delusions;  critical thinking is a must in this day and age of misinformation;  on the opposite end of irrationality is discernment, a discerning man is a wise man indeed, make your eye a discerning one]

X - indecision  [people don’t often waver when they know who they are and where they are going;  when you have deep inner confidence stemming up from the depths of your integrated character, you can quickly make important decisions without looking back on them in doubt and are slow to make a move to reverse those appropriately considered yet quick decisions;  indecision either comes from fear or a lack of trust you have on your ability to make the best decisions for yourself (which begets a weakness of character)—you don’t want that;  have character & be decisive, stand by those convictions unless you realize you were severely off-base (if you were, then immediately decide to course-correct and you’ll come out on top)]

X - dependent  [un-self-sufficient;  your cup is not full so you dip into others cups to fill up your own, which is not only unsustainable but asking for trouble—you’re playing not to lose, which ultimately is playing to lose; depend on yourself and go for the win;  also, dependent behavior taken too far is parasitic behavior, you’re just leaching off of others resources ultimately resulting in lose-lose situations across the board;  the best longterm strategy is developing your own sense of independence in life, work towards it if you are behind the eight-ball, you cannot go wrong]

X - ego/unaware  [closed-minded, narrow-minded, one-sided, unconscious expression of self;  you just don’t want to see yourself, and if you are choosing that then you won’t ever see what you’re made of and what you could set out to achieve;  be brave, see yourself in all it’s facets—the good, the bad, the ugly, the great—it will allow you to see more of life too;  never be afraid of the truth especially of the man in the mirror and what you see reflecting from it;  see it and see everything]

X - sociopathic  [no empathy;  unable to feel self and, by extension, definitely not others;  that is not a good thing and it is very severely damaging of your ability to experience lasting happiness and fulfillment;  cultivate the richness and depth of feeling otherwise you’re just a robot…or a serial-killer;  allowing yourself to feel things including deep pain is invaluable to your growth and your experience of the living world;  feeling is life;  don’t you want to feel alive?;  feel the electricity of the energy pulsing through your veins, the aliveness of your own vitality and strength and purpose…]

X - abusive  [not physically, not emotionally, not mentally, not in any way is a real man about that;  cowards are abusive, not real men;  cowards choose such a demeaning and low route to sustain themselves;  don’t do it to anyone, not even yourself;  respect yourself, create the highest sense of meaning and esteem about who you think you are or want to be—and by default, you’ll automatically bestow that esteem and respect on everyone else;  but first you, create your own deeper, truer sense of self-worth that profound affects how you do everything else]

X - narcissism  [thinking too highly of yourself without consideration for anything else—aka “buying your own hype”;  as a rule, never buy your own hype, it’ll actually keep you stronger as an individual, more even keel and able to act on your own merit, and if you have (the aforementioned) real self-worth then you’d actually have no need to be narcissistic in the first place because the awareness of your true self would govern you, not some false fabricated front of high-value]

X - violent  [be dangerous but never violent—dangerous with your charm, your wits, your ability to observe, your unpredictability, your spontaneity, your sense of humor, your kindness, your character, your physical capacity to exude strength, etc.—and yes, your composure too;  it makes you very dangerous because you then are capable of using your entire being for your highest good in any critical moment of decision-making] [composure makes you very dangerous, never forget that]

X - victimhood  [don’t ever play that card, victimhood betrays you and your power instantaneously;  the second you go there, you lose everything;  victimhood is not manhood;  men take their life by the horns and steer it in the direction of their own choosing;  they accept nothing less than their path and purpose to create their greatest visions in life;  they’re self-empowered and driven to take on the responsibilities that come with the territory of their self-chosen mission in life]

X - lying/deception/cheating  [nothing sinks you faster than the path of dishonesty, in any of its forms;  it is the biggest b*tch move you could ever play and no one does it hurt more than you;  historically, time has always proven that the person lying, cheating, deceiving always ends up on the short-end of the stick and any gains to be had from doing so only result in short term, temporary, minute, fleeting gains aka “fool’s gold”;  you owe yourself the opportunity to fairly play this game of life to the best of your ability—which is immediately disallowed when you lie;  and truth, that is your highest calling card in life, setting out on its path will ultimately be the most rewarding thing that you could do;  truth will always set you apart from the rest because majority of the players in existence don’t choose that;  truth will protect you and shield you against the deceptions of others;  it will illuminate for you a path of your own nobility, whereby it ensures that you almost always win;  one of the biggest platitudes that we’ve all heard is also one of the most evergreen pieces of wisdom you’ll ever receive, don’t discount it because “the truth will set you free”]

I would add that not being grounded, not being present as a man is unbecoming of positive masculinity, but they are either directly or indirectly covered in the commentary that preceded. Many men become unhinged in their development processes because of their failure to adequately ground themselves from the intense heat of the lightning strikes of lessons that life throws at them. Firmly rooting yourself in values and core principles that keep you strong & aware are key to staying centered in any and all adversity that comes your way. Furthermore, your awareness is fed and kept alive by the presence of mind you bring to your life moment to moment. If you are not present to the momentary feedback life continuously gives to you, you will miss more than one point about how you can keep yourself agile enough to constantly keep making progress for yourself in moving forward and rising up in your particular path of greatness.

“I'd rather be alone than deal with someone that brings drama, problems, or demands too much out of my schedule”

“I need my focus and freedom”

“I’m afraid he’s gonna dump me”

“Does he really love me, though?”

“If he really loved me, he would...” 

ALL. OF. THESE.  PERSPECTIVES. ARE. ROOTED. IN. SELFISHNESS.  

Don’t believe me?  Well here’s how it went down with me and my ex...

These are the thoughts of selfishness and self-centeredness.  And these kinds of lies are pumped through modern dating advice and social media all. the. time. 

For every self-centered or selfish thought or fear you might have, there is an equally selfless one that is the actual truth.  In fact, I would venture to say that if any of your thoughts while dating stem from a place of fear, it is an untrue thought.  Let’s explore some examples. 

EX A= “I’d rather be alone than deal with someone that brings drama, problems, or demands too much out of my schedule” (literally quoted from my narcissistic situationship).  

The truth?   him: “I’m afraid of drama because I don’t know how to respond in the face of trouble and challenge.”  

There are two kinds of people in this world: dramatic people, and peacemakers.  Peacemakers are not afraid of drama because we confidently know how to respond to it and neutralize it.  We have strong communication skills, and conflict resolution skills.  We refuse to let trouble shake us; and the trouble will run from us because our energy refuses to be compatible with it.  So we never have to be afraid of being alone either because peace is attractive; and when you become peace you’re surrounded by peace.   

The truth? him: I have not yet learned how to prioritize others ahead of myself, or how to establish work-life balance. I don’t yet understand that the reason I’m working is so that I can enjoy life.  I have not yet learned how to keep a day planner, and/or how to implement mature time management skills in order to live life alongside other people successfully.

The truth is that there are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck at time management and bosses who know how to kill it, get hella shit done, still maintain themselves and keep their own cup full, and who can then pour into the lives of others while they’re at it.  Do you think Tony Robbins feels like his wife and kids “demands too much of his schedule”?  Do you think people “demand too much of Oprah’s schedule”?  Do you think Warren Buffett feels like people “demand too much of his schedule”?  No.  We all have the same 24 hours in the day, b*tch.  And if you can’t give any of yours to other people, it’s a selfishness problem and a lack of skills problem, not a “I must be single or else I can’t...” problem.  

Ex 3= If he really loved me he would.... 

Uh no, what you’re really saying is “I’m afraid I’m unlovable”.  The truth?  People express love in their own ways because their expression of love comes from THEM, not out of your mind, LOL.  That’s not how love works.  Love isn’t like, clairvoyance manifested.  

Love is also auto-generated.  So you can’t just sit around waiting for others to prove to you that they love you, or sit around waiting for others to make you feel loved.  If you know what makes you feel loved, why aren’t you already doing those things for yourself?  

Instead of using that false thought to judge him, take that exact thought, grab your journal, and start making a list answering your own statement.  If he really loved me he would buy me flowers.  Go buy yourself flowers or learn some botany to grow them yourself.  If he really loved me he would spend more quality time with me.  How often are you hitting him up to invite him to hang out?  How often are you calling any of your friends or your other family to spend time with you?  If he really loved me he would buy me things to prove it.  How are your finances?  Can you afford to buy yourself, or better yet, buy you both dinner or buy him gifts from time to time?  If he really loved me he would say “I love you”.  How often do you look yourself in the mirror and tell you that you love you, and that you are loved?  

How often are you even saying the words “I love you” to anything anyone else?  I’ll be the first to admit that I grew up in a “love paucity” household.  Rarely to never did my mother or immediate family say the words “I love you”; and we were basically raised not to throw those words around meaninglessly.  As a result, I have gone basically my entire adult life without a guy ever saying the words “I love you” to me, because there was subconscious programming from my childhood that said “you’re not going to hear those words spoken to you” and “you’re unlovable”.  and then I got a puppy as an emotional support animal.  And lemme just say, I now hear the words “I love you” pouring out of my own mouth like 500 times a day because my puppy is so damn cute and he is the love of my life right now. He gives me a target to express my love to, out loud.   

And frankly all of this, in essence, is a “you still have some growing up to do” problem.  But as soon as you mature in these areas, which you absolutely can do, you’ll be ready to share your life with someone else and you’ll have the skills to do so effectively and sustainably.  Keep working on yourself so that you don’t have to be so afraid and selfish.    And then next time you’re dating someone, ask yourself “how well can I show this person that they are loved by me?.  and watch what happens.