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damienthepious · 4 years

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happy lizzer kiss babes! also, as mentioned in the notes of this one, lil heads up that i’m gonna be taking a little break from posting fic in november! and by “little break” i mean i’ll be writing 50k of a novel lmao what a good “break” i am so terribly smart. anyway love you!

A Moment As An Optimist

[ao3] [Ch 2]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Lord Arum, Sir Damien, Rilla

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, Established Relationship, Forbidden Love , (alas.......), miscommunication followed quickly by communication

Summary: It is one of Damien's favorite events of the entire year, all revelry and romance and joy, and he cannot wait to share it with his lovers. Or- with one of them, at least.

Notes: Title from the song Heart of a Pessimist, by Be Steadwell, a song which also p well vibes with the fic as a whole. Also, just to... get out ahead of this a little, but I'm gonna be taking a break from fanfic for the month of November so I can properly do NaNoWriMo again this year! Which is exciting! But it also means that I'm gonna publish fic on tuesdays for the rest of October, and then November is gonna be radio silence from my end, on here at least. You can come hmu on tumblr @jakkubrat if you wanna see me just, shrieking at the void about writing in general, but I doubt any of y'all are interested in that. Anyway I love you. Hope you like this one! I intend to get the second chapter out before my little hiatus :3c

"And then," Damien says, gesturing wildly with his hands, "after the sparring demonstrations and the feast, the square is cleared and the musicians take their place of honor. They will play, and play, and play the whole rest of the evening. Songs quick and full of giddy joy, songs steeped with contemplation and longing and love, all manner of melodies in the in-between, and they will not cease playing- not until the very last of us has grown too fatigued for further footwork. Only when the very last of the revelers has succumbed to exhaustion, only then will the music finally fade into the more natural song of the night."

Damien sighs deeply, then, his hand pressing over his heart as he fixes his eyes on the middle distance.

"I'll admit the dancing is pretty fun, at least," Rilla says with a shrug, her own tone much more casual. "Food's not too bad either."

"Pretty fun!" Damien cries, his eyes sparking with excitement. "Oh, damning with such faint praise, my love! It is quite reliably among the most enjoyable events of the year! Why- oh, I could not possibly forget the year when you and I danced clear through until the dawn, and when finally we relented we were so terribly exhausted that we barely clung to each other long enough to stumble to the closest inn to properly collapse- a battle more draining that my greatest conquests, and still I do not think there has been a day I have laughed quite so heartily, nor been so blessed with your own laughter and love! Oh, Rilla, perhaps this year they will play that one particular song- that one with those quick triplets, the one that played just as they lit the lanterns last year, oh, and Arum! When the drums begin, then we could-"

He pauses.

"We- y-you and I could- could-"

Damien notices, quite suddenly, the low growl emanating from his lizard love. He notices the wince upon Rilla's face, as well.

Damien swallows, pulling his hand back to press over his heart as it sinks, and sinks, and sinks.

"We could... what?" Arum murmurs, slow and measured and vicious. "What, precisely, could we do at your festival, honeysuckle?"

"I-" Damien's breath catches. "I... I only..." he buries the hitch in his throat in a slight cough. "I... I managed to get quite ahead of myself, I'm afraid," he says in a muted voice. "So excited was I to share such joy... I did not even think."

"You certainly did not," Arum hisses. "How little prompting you require to forget, hm? To forget entirely that I am a monster."

"No," Damien says quickly, shaking his head. "I- I did not forget- how could I possibly? Arum-"

"Or to forget me entirely, perhaps-"

"I did not forget you," Damien says. "I forgot them. I forgot- I forgot every single thing in the world, besides you, and Rilla, and I, and... and the idea of spending a whole long evening with you both, dancing in the lamplight."

"I imagine the evening would be rather short, in fact. Hardly a minute would pass before I was slain."

"That's not fair," Rilla snaps, pushing off from the wall and glaring at the monster, but Damien's heart is still swirling and tumbling and the image- Arum at the festival, dancing at their sides, the cries of alarm and fear and hatred, the blades-

"Very little is," Arum snarls. "I am merely pointing out the obvious. It does not matter what we want- what he wants. That door is not open to us, and to pretend otherwise is foolishness itself."

"You know he wasn't trying to make you feel left out-"

"I-" Arum laughs, bitter and brittle and unconvincing. "I feel no such thing. I do not care. In fact- in fact, I do not have the first clue why we are still discussing it. Should you not be on your way already?" He snarls, and then he folds his arms over his chest, visibly settling himself. "Go on, then," Arum says, his voice flat and toneless, but Damien- Damien can't help but hear the current of pain beneath it. Judging by the way Rilla's expression shifts, just slightly, she can hear it too. "Go on. If this event is so terribly exciting, you should scuttle off to your Citadel and start your revelry already."

"Arum," Damien starts, his voice gentle, and Arum's snout wrinkles.

"I don't need your pity, honeysuckle," he hisses quickly, turning to pace with his cape billowing behind him. "We all know exactly what time we may steal away with each other. We all know what we are allowed, and what we are not." He turns his head away, his lip curling up to show the edges of his teeth. "It hardly matters anyway. I do not expect that any human celebration would be of any interest to me whatsoever. Music is only music and food is only food and I can very well find some of my own anywhere I should like."

"Arum," Rilla says, her voice quiet but firm, and Arum's scowl deepens.

"What? What, precisely, have I gotten wrong? In what way is my understanding of the situation flawed? I have no interest in-"

"I won't go."

Arum blinks, stumbling from his pacing to a halt, and his frill begins to sink as Rilla turns towards Damien again.

Damien shakes his head, feeling the tightness in his throat and attempting not to let it become evident in his voice. "I won't. I- I do not want to. It is only by necessity that I am ever anywhere that you cannot safely accompany. By Saint Damien above why should I ever want to revel and ramble and partake in such a joy if I cannot share it with the both of my loves? Why-"

"Oh, Damien-"

Rilla steps closer, one hand reaching to grip his wrist, and Damien feels the heat at the corners of his eyes and shakes his head again, more fiercely.

"This festival has always and only ever brought me joy, brought me closer to and more familiar with love, with beauty and delight, and- and I could not even consider those concepts for one moment without thinking of you as well, Arum, and- and- and I cannot bear the idea of suffering an event I once loved so dearly without you by our sides. It is unthinkable, I could not- I will not."

Arum stares at him for a long moment, his frill sinking further, his throat rattling.

"I won't," Damien says again, more quietly. "Not without you."

Arum inhales slowly, his expression folding into more visible pain, and he hisses through his teeth and winces before he responds.

"No," he says slowly, his voice low and rumbling. "No, I can't abide-" he pauses, and then sighs, dropping his eyes. "No. I didn't- I did not- I spoke rashly and- no. I didn't mean to- to-" he clenches his teeth again, lifting a hand to scrub down his face. "No. This... this event is... significant to you, honeysuckle. I know that it is not your fault, nor hers, nor mine, that we cannot enjoy it together. It is no one's fault, it is simply the truth. It is simply... the world, as it is. But-" he hesitates, and then he sighs again and steps closer, reaching to brush his hand down Damien's arm.

Damien sags instantly at the contact, immediately closing the remaining gap, folding himself against Arum's chest as Rilla lets go of his wrist, stepping up behind him instead and touching his back with soothing hands.

"But, little honeysuckle, that does not mean you both should not enjoy it regardless. Clearly I should not like to be without you, but I would be much more unhappy if my mere existence kept you from something you so clearly adore."

Damien blinks, and then he lifts his face to frown up at the monster. "But, Arum-"

"This is important to you," he murmurs. "And it is important to me that our arrangement does not prevent you from taking little joys where you can. I apologize for... for snapping at you, in my frustration." He leans down, nudging their foreheads together and sighing. "I am sorry that I allowed my own... that I turned my own pain outward to cause you distress as well. I want you to go. I want you to go, and I want you to enjoy the evening as much as you are able."

Damien makes a small noise, helpless, and then he wraps his arms around the monster and squeezes, hugging him tightly enough that Arum gives a surprised exhale, and then a low soft laugh.

"Oh Arum-"

"I want you to be happy, Damien. I want you both to be happy, even if I cannot be always by your side to be happy with you."

Damien hugs Arum even tighter for a moment, until the monster makes a small breathless noise, and then he loosens his grip enough that he can tilt his head, pressing a kiss to the edge of Arum's jaw, and he cannot help but feel the tears rallying again at the gentle purring noise that rumbles deep in Arum's throat.

"I love you," Damien croons, his lips still touching scales. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry we cannot-"

"It is no one's fault," Arum says again, even more gently. "What we have together already, despite the current conflict... what we have together is already something miraculous. We should not be greedy, I think," he grumbles, his voice performatively grumpy, and Damien chokes on a laugh.

"Oh, so greedy of us, wanting to dance together," Rilla grumbles behind him, her hands gentle on his sides, and he's surprised to hear a small note of sourness in her voice.

"Still," Damien says after a moment, soft and sad. "Still. I cannot help my feelings, cannot help how much I wish..."

Arum nuzzles Damien's cheek with his snout, sighing. "I know. Loathe as I am to admit it... clearly I wish, as well. We knew this would be... complicated when we began together. This is simply something we must swallow, for the moment. Perhaps, someday, we will not need to."

"I do not want to leave you here alone while Rilla and I-"

"I will be fine, honeysuckle," Arum says, shifting back enough that he can lift a hand to brush Damien's hair from his forehead. "I promise. To begin with, I am not alone, so to speak. I am never alone within my Keep."

"You know that isn't what he meant," Rilla says, and Arum rolls his eyes.

"Obviously. But I meant only to assure him that I will not be curled into a ball and wallowing. I will have company, should I desire it, and I will be fine. I apologize, again, for speaking cruelly to you. I've... gotten it out of my system, as Amaryllis is fond of saying," he says with a light sneer, and Damien can see him burying a grin as Rilla raises a skeptical eyebrow at him. "I will not be too terribly bothered by anything but the lack of your warmth. It is only one evening, after all."

"Well... I suppose, if- if you are certain-"

"I am certain, honeysuckle." He nudges his snout against Damien's temple, then, a sweet echo of a kiss, and then he steps back, squeezing Damien's hands before he drops them. "You should go. I will be dearly disappointed if I have managed to entirely ruin this evening for you."

Damien frowns, his stomach still twisting with uncertainty, with how wrong it feels to leave in such a way. "But-"

"He said he'd be fine, Damien," Rilla says, and her shrug is exactly as casual as her words, but when Damien turns towards her to continue to voice his distress, she-

Winks, with the eye that Arum cannot see in their current positions.

"It's just one night. We'll all manage to muddle through for just tonight, and then we'll all do something together later this week. Okay?"

Damien frowns, very lightly, his confusion bubbling, but-

Well. He knows her, knows that particular quirk of her lips, knows the way her eyebrows raise when she silently tells him to trust, to trust her.

He does, of course. He always does.

"I... I suppose..." he murmurs, still confused enough that he cannot think of any better words to say.

"We'll make an appearance, at least. If we aren't enjoying ourselves, there's no reason not to just... slip out early, yeah? And-" she turns to Arum, ducking her head slightly as she lifts a hand to touch his shoulder, smiling when he leans into the contact. "Can we just... come back here later tonight? Just to sleep, or- whatever. You don't have to wait up for us, if you don't want to, but-"

"Of course you may," Arum says quickly, frowning. "Always. You are always welcome and wanted, here." And then, as if to soften the certainty, the enormity of the always he has just offered, he scowls. "And I certainly will not wait up, so you may waste no consideration on that outcome."

Rilla grins, soft and bright and sweet, and Damien knows as well as she does that the monster is lying.

"I love you," Damien says again, because he cannot hold the words inside while they sit scalding at the back of his tongue.

Arum's expression softens, surprise and aching fondness shaping his features, and he steps closer again so he may pull the both of them into his arms.

"I love you as well," the monster murmurs, sighing into their hair. "Now go and have your fun, will you? I expect further tales of glory and exultation when you return."

"Love you too," Rilla says with a snorting laugh, rolling her eyes as she pushes his scaled arms away, but Damien's heart still aches.

"I..." he trails off, uncertain, and he clings to one of Arum's hands for another moment.

"Please," Arum says softly. "Enjoy the evening for me, if you cannot enjoy it with me. I will still be here, when you tire of the lamplight."

"Alright," Damien says slowly, and then he kisses the back of Arum's hand before he releases it. "Until tomorrow, then, Lord Arum."

When the Keep opens a portal for them back to Rilla's hut, Damien does his best not to allow his eyes to linger on his lily for too terribly long. Rilla takes him by the hand, thankfully, and her unruffled feathers soothe Damien's own jagged edges as the portal closes again behind them.

When they are alone, Damien sighs, but he rallies his nerves in only a moment, and he raises an eyebrow as Rilla's grin goes toothy and wild.

"Alright. Alright, my flower. May I know, now, precisely what you have planned for our love?"

"Okay," Rilla says, her voice nearly trembling with her sly delight, "so, tell me if you like this idea-"

#elle's fanfic #the penumbra podcast #second citadel #rad bouquet #lizard kissin' tuesday #sir damien #lord arum #amaryllis of exile #a moment as an optimist #feed me comments i am famished

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poorreputation · 6 years

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Tumblr’s eating my notes again

@thatsnotwhoifuckingam @jenabean75

I appreciate your words, and this is something that requires a post on its own. It’s kinda heavy, so you don’t have to keep reading, if you don’t want to.

It’s been a day of heartbreak. To keep it brief, I lost a kitten today. We took it in because it was malnourished, and I knew there was a likely hood of him passing, so I wasn’t shocked. But he was still a sweet little thing. Would crawl up onto any part of me he could get to, and snuggle. He even slept in my room, and was so comfortable around the other animals.

He passed in his sleep on Tuesday morning. The ground outside was soft from the rain, so we buried him in the backyard in one of my brother’s old shirts. His name was Gumdrop, and I loved him so dearly, and take some comfort knowing he was happy and loved and purring in his final days.It doesn’t change the fact that I’m sad, but he had a home, in the end. That’s all that matters. ♥

#death #grieving #burials #animals #thank you for your thoughts and hugs #*hugs you both right back*

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kissedkookie · 7 years

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hi everyone~

so I recently got bored and bc tumblr’s been unfollowing some of my mutuals and faves, I decided to make a follow forever to keep you all in one place

I only follow 133 people so this is a short list, but I thought it was still worth it to tell you all that I’m always happy to see you on my dash and I will gladly follow you forever (sorry)

mutuals = bolded people that I enjoy seeing around my dash and notes a lot = 💕 people who I dearly appreciate and love talking to = 💖

I would love to give everyone a heart, so please come message me!!

(I hope this doesn’t mess up anyone’s mentions; if you want me to remove you just tell me!)

special people 💗

@ahjiminie Matt, do I even need to say anything to you at this point? I write you love letters basically every tuesday now, so you already know I love you beyond reason and you’re almost like family to me, but even better - you’re not just fam, you’re bae <3 (I would also like to use this opportunity to thank you for *almost* never letting me hang in the gc)

@uzzutape Clari, you’re like the sweetest person ever, I’m so happy to see you around my dash being beautiful and supporting ggs, I’m glad I get to be friends with such a kind soul

@namjooneh Dar, my mother and memespiration, you know when I first joined this fandom I was kind of intimidated by you bc you’re beautiful, talented, and your blog is hella, but turns out you’re just a big ass nerd who will talk shit with me all morning, please keep being a great parent and raise your meme child well

@bangtansonyeondcn Tyler, I haven’t known you very long, but I can already tell tumblr would be a little more dull without you and I’m always happy to have another libra in my life

and a shoutout to all the @lgbtsnetwork gc members, it’s so much fun having you around, you’re all so supportive and kind to me and I’m glad to have you all in my life! (@dkyss @gayhearteyes @sugamonhobi @starprincejimin @sweetsope @nxmjoons)

a-g

@agustdior @agustphd @ahjiminie 💖 @aurictae @bangsstan💕 @bangtansonyeondcn 💖 @bangtan-damntan @beaujimin @bfkook @bijjk 💕 @chaoticklutz 💕 @cosyjimin @cryjeon @dkyss 💖 @dlmples @dnabangtan @dn-a 💕 @fapmonster @gayhearteyes 💖 @gaytae 💕 @gay-jk @girsii 💖 @groovyam

h-m

@hiimcaroline 💕 @hi-xtape @honeysugah @hugsforhobi @idkjimins@ilupjms 💕 @iub 💕 @je0n 💕 @jiminvoce 💕 @jinderela @jinsasleep @jinsweater @joonjulyagustd @juhnhee 💖 @kimceokjin @kiyohkos 💖 @kooks-gf @lazycupcake 💖 @lesbianblossomjimin 💕 @lesbangtan @lesbianbts @lesbiseok @lqsoftie @luminarypjm @maknaelne 💕 @micdroplesbian @minhyyk @minyoongeh @min-yoongle

n-#

@namjooneh 💖 @namkwan 💕 @nnochu @nxmjoons 💖 @peachixtape💕 @pyemul @rainpjm @rapnamu @saltyauntsuga @seokjintaeyeon @silvertae 💕 @slutlingar @softbunns @softmoni @sugakookievevo @sugamonhobi 💖 @sugamonstae @starprincejimin 💖 @sweetsope💖 @taegay @taejimin @tjungkook @trendylesbian 💕 @uzzutape 💖 @vanillalattaes @vividyoongi @wingscomeback @xiiumiins @yngiii @yoomn @yoongihon @yoongimor 💕 @yoongi-jin @93sidol

#i wish there was space to say something nice about everyone bc i appreciate you all so much!!!!#if i missed you or if you dont want to be in this please god lmk!!!!!#I'm only human and doing a ff is a fuckton of work #is there anything else to say?#ily all!!! ♥♥♥♥#aless has friends #me #follow forever #i hope everyone is tagged properly #i checked like 8 times #bts #bangtan

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love-someone-special · 6 years

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92 Truths

I was tagged by my lovely friend and beta @nicolouis-flamelinson

LAST

Drink: Gin and Tonic (it’s Christmas, lemme live)

Phone call: My cousin called me from upstairs with a baking emergency (it was not an emergency, I got out of bed for nothing.)

Song you listened to: How to Make Gravy by Paul Kelly. A masterpiece. A Christmas masterpiece.

Time you cried: I cried like three mornings ago whislt listening to niall horan on the couch. Rough hangover. Some bad life decisions. Mourning my innocence. The usual.

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: No, I have not! No one’s ever wanted to date me once let alone twice, so. Natural selection?

Been cheated on: Nope. Probably will tho, so I’ll let you know. I might start an update blog on it.

Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes? I mean, sort of? I couldn’t figure out if I regretted it or not. Hence the crying on the couch the other day.

Lost someone special: Yes, and no. Because no one you lose is ever special enough if they didn’t stay. (except for my grandpa. He was the specialest.)

Been depressed: As in, depression? No. Do I have sad days? Regularly.

Been drunk and thrown up: No! I can proudly say no. I have drank. I have thrown up. But neither of those things were caused by the other.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yes! Yes I have! And I love them all dearly!

Fallen out of love: Honey I haven’t even managed to fall in love yet how do you expect me to fall out of her?

Laughed until you cried: that “never have I ever” video with the boys on the jonathan ross show? You know the one? Kills me. Also, the gif of harry falling like a cartoon character across the whole stage. Gets me every time.

Met someone who changed you: I’ve changed every day of my life for one reason or another. But yes, is the short answer. Many.

Found out who your true friends are: Every year. Without fail. It’s like spring cleaning, but it also helps you clean out your photo albums. And contacts.

Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah the other day my mum was telling some other mum about how I was at the same school as their kid. I was pissed. Mum and I don’t talk any more.

GENERAL

How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life: none? Soz.

Do you have any pets?: I have my beautiful beautiful beautiful golden retriever who has my whole heart forever and I love her.

Do you want to change your name?: I’m getting a middle name! One day! Soon! Hopefully!

What time did you wake up this morning?: 9.03am I can’t even sleep in properly anymore I’m ruined.

What were you doing last night?: Spending the evening with my beautiful family, and fic writing.

Name something you cannot wait for: Louis Tomlinson’s album. One direction reunion tour.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: I have. Multiple. They’re (mostly) all brilliant and lovely.

What’s getting on your nerves right now?: when people leave wet towels on the bathroom floor. I’m about to move OUT because of this shit.

Blood type: this is a thing? Like people just, know this? I honestly could not tell you for the life of me. I think my bloods red though, if that helps?

Nickname: undefined. Unrevealed. Will share one day perhaps.

Relationship status: if you don’t know I don’t know., life’s tough.

Zodiac: Gemini (Imma twin and I act like it)

Pronouns: She/her

Favorite show: Brooklyn Nine Nine and Friends. And the Gilmore Girls.

College: yea college exists. Am I there yet? Not quite. Working on it. stop pressuring me.

Hair colour: I get told it’s like an ombre. I would mostly call it golden though.

Do you have a crush on someone?: yeah. I think. Perhaps? Maybe. Idk. Come back to me.

What do you like about yourself?: I have the rad ability to remember lyrics straight of the bat. I also love that I’m happy to be living. I Genuinely like to participate in life, which is something I like about myself, yes.

FIRSTS

Surgery: yah. Got an ovary removed. Have a super lovely scar (several actually). It was good fun.

Piercing: the regular on the ears. Considering cartilage tho. Anyone got any thoughts on that?

Sport you joined: ugh. Sports. I hate. But tee ball! Is that how you spell it? I don’t even know.

Vacation: I think I went to paris when I was like, one. first one that I can remember is probs England.

Pair of sneakers: the delightful converses. Wore them to pieces.

RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing. So full from Christmas dinner. I ate wayyyy too much dessert.

Drinking: Water. Gotta stay hydrated bitches.

I’m about to: Continue fic writing gotta go gotta get the job done.

Listening to: the click of my keyboard and the sound of the ocean.

Want kids?: Yes. No doubt about it I want babies. Not just yet. But god do I want babies.

Get married?: Ofcourse. In fact, I plan to do it before I have the babies.

Career: currently I’m a student. Fun, right? But the dream career I want is to be a writer/publisher.

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: Eyes (when they’re really blue or a beautiful brown or bright green or literally any type of eye I’m bound to fall in love with you) (tho don’t get me wrong a good pair of lips will have me tripping)

Hugs or kisses: Hugs. (the long ones where they really wrap you up and it’s all calm and lovely? Yeah, those ones.)

Shorter or taller: Shorter (that way you don’t have to bend down, less work.)

Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneous (spontaneity can be romantic. Give me both)

Sensitive or loud: Both! At once! Give me the sensitive loud ones! Where my hufflepuffs at?!?!

Hook up or relationship: undecided. Depends on the person.

Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker (more fun. Also, you get to blame everything on them)

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: No I haven’t. I seem to have made it a rule I only kiss people I’ve known for over five years. it’s been a problematic approach so far.

Drank hard liquor: yewwwwwwwww. Shots shots shots shots shots. Does this make me all cool and teen and rock chic? Hang on lemme grab the leather jacket my mum bought for me.

Lost contacts/glasses: Don’t wear em.

Sex on first date: I have not. I also would not. Obviously, sex is a prior to first date kinda thing.

Broken someone’s heart: yes. I didn’t mean to. And I’m still sorry.

Been arrested: can’t say I have. That’s one for the new years resolutions tho.

Turned someone down: ah. Yes. Regularly.

Fallen for a friend: ah. Yes. Regularly.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: sometimes. Generally it has to be before 3pm on a Tuesday. If not, chances are slim.

Miracles: Yes. I’ve held miracles in my arms (not to get like fake deep) so yes, I believe in them.

Love at first sight: No. not yet anyhow. If someone wants to change that belief, be my guest.

Heaven: As an atheist planning to take down the catholic church, I’m gonna have to say no purely because I know I wouldn’t get in.

Santa Claus: Don’t make me say it.

i tag @panacottalarry @dr-frederick-chilton @obviouslybecauselarry @yves--saint--louis

#hey loves fele no pressure to do any of this but just thought f youd like to #asks #tag games #also courtney i have so many questions about some of your answers

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shawtheking · 7 years

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i don’t believe in love at first sight necessarily but i do believe in looking at someone from across the room and knowing instantly, that they are gonna matter to you somehow and someway.

okay so i’ll keep this short, i had typed a long and drawn out story previously but tumblr decided to randomly close on me and i lost it, smh. so here it was a regular rather mundane tuesday night and i come home from work going through the motions, i shower and hop on the couch with my phone and i open up tinder. i’m not a fan on the online dating thing but i am a introvert however and it’s a quick and painless way to meet new people. so here i am swiping away and i come across this one beautiful work of art in particular known as “Esse”. she only had one picture however and no description so i almost dismissed her and swipled left but my intuition told me not to.

the instant we matched she said “Hi” and i said to myself “ok this can either go really good, orrrrr she’s a catfish” haha anyways it ended up going better then expected. the conversation got deeper, and deeper more broad and intellectual. i see she’s not like the rest. we ended up exchanging numbers and she told me that she was kinda hungry and i was already going to sonic with my best friend orman, who i love endear so dearly for taking me over to meet her.

talking to her was effortless when we pulled up to her residence i was conflicted with emotions, fear of the unknown but excitement of what could be. she came outside and i swear she redefined everything i thought beauty was. her smile so captivating and full of life. time went by and it got late, then the hardest part came; exchanging goodbyes. she pulled me close and hugged me and i felt so serene and at peace. all my worries were relinquished when she was in my arms. and i kissser her on the cheek, it didn’t feel rushed at all it felt so right.

we have a date night friday and i’m so happy about it, she is to. i truly learned there’s so much more to a person then what meets the eye.

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number9580-blog · 7 years

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Butch, Genderqueer, Genderfluid, Genderfuck and Trans Blogs to watch out for

The big sexy, hot, smart, fierce, masculine, amazing, handsome, strong, sweet, thoughtful, bulging, turgid list of Butch, Genderqueer, Genderfluid, Genderfucking, Masculine-of-Center and Trans Blogs

The other day, I realized I had a hunger for new butch blogs to read. So I started trolling blogrolls and then realized ‘butch’ doesn’t cover all of what I’m looking for. What really peaks my interest are people talking about and living outside the gender binary. Though I started with a blogroll category of “Butches to Watch Out For”, I’ve changed that to “Bend it like …” because what I’m really trying to get at is the gender bending, defying the default gender system in favor of something that works for all of us.

I always feel a thrill when I find new blogs where the authors are exploring gender, pushing the envelope and redefining the definitions. Because my personal exploration is being done from the perspective of someone who started life female, bloggers who are on similar journeys appeal to me. I want to compare notes, I want to find new words, new ways of describing the smell, taste, sound and feeling of female-born masculinity. I now have a pretty good collection, some are friends I’ve met or chatted with, some are blogs I’ve found through the blogrolls of others. In each case, I’ve found s0me kind of kinship, something I can relate to and learn from.

It’s kind of funny that in the midst of building up my list of butches and others who bravely break stereotypes every day in diverse situations and lives, I found that ridiculous WikiHow article on How to Be a Butch. Clearly, the authors of that article haven’t met very many butches. I’m not going to be foolish enough to write a How To guide for butches, but I do invite you to visit these and look for others.

New as of 5/8/2014

Hudson’s FTM Resource Guide: now that I’m in the midst of evaluating options for medical transition, this website has become indispensable to me. Full of detailed, factual, non-judgmental information on all the things that come up for someone who is looking at options for transition from female assigned at birth to … something else on the masculine side. I especially geeked out on the explanation of the different formulations of testosterone, including chemical structure diagrams and the pros and cons of each formulation.

New as of 8/20/2013

NeutroisNonsense: I surprised myself the other day by finding out I hadn’t already added this blog, written by my friend Micah. Micah’s beginning to make a name around non-binary identities, asexuality and non-binary transitioning. Micah is one of my favorite people and has a lot of really smart, informative things to say about gender, identity and talks about the challenges and rewards of navigating through a binary world as a non-binary person. One of my trans* heroes,

Learning How To Tell You, BD Swain: This is a butch erotic blog after my own heart (or maybe somewhere lower). BD joins Sinclair Sexsmith and I in the very rare world of butch erotic writers and does it with pants tightening style. ”My name is BD Swain. I’m a butch dyke who enjoys writing queer smut – not just because it’s fun, but because sex and pushing my sexual expression is what makes me feel most alive. I am turned on by trust and by pushing the boundaries of it.”

New as of 4/12/2013

ButchOnTap: blogger Butch Jaxon says, “I see the world in a particular way. This blog is about how I see the world, both the good stuff (like beer) and the bad stuff (like idiots), but hopefully always funny.” Though I don’t always see eye to to eye with this blogger on all things butch, that hardly matters because it’s a big enough definition for all of us. This blogger has had a couple of articles on HuffPost (look for Tristan Higgins), will probably have more in the future, and is definitely a Butch to Watch Out For.

LGinDC: formerly the blogger known as G, of Can I Help You Sir, now in DC finding her way amongst the monuments and government entities, here’s what she has to say about herself and the blog, “I’m tall. I’m a smart-ass. I like eating with chopsticks. I’m butch. I love the Chicago Cubs and Bears. I’ve broken my nose twice. I love animals. I look horrible in yellow. I’m engaged. I love bourbon. I’m equally enamored with Beyonce and Ron Swanson. I’ll try just about anything once. I’m Irish. I live in Washington, DC. I’m a Scorpio. And I write about things.”

Genderqueer Pie Please: [no updates since 12/2013] blogger Jake Jacobsen says, “Genderqueer isn’t a new movement, it isn’t even a movement, or new, it’s been around a long, long time, as long as I can remember. Ways of being “out”, seen, heard, and conceptualized are continuously being created through our use of language, and not just by the so called sexual minority, but by everyone. Genderqueer is one of those fairly recent creative wordage attempts at redefining a lived experience of gender that is a reality for a portion of the population.”

The Brown Boi Project is a community of masculine of center womyn, men, two-spirit people, transmen, and our allies committed to transforming our privilege of masculinity, gender, and race into tools for achieving Racial and Gender Justice. These are great, energetic, dynamic people who are dedicated to their mission. If this is of interest to you, check out their website and get involved.

New as of 5/16/2012

Trans Vocals: [inactive] I’m glad to see my friend, Holden, is coming back to the blog-o-sphere. He’s got a new blog, Trans Vocals, and will be talking about his transformation and transition. I’m very happy to see this thoughtful, intelligent person generously offering to share his insights and progress with the rest of us.

New as of 05/12/2011

fuckyeahbutches: this is a tumblr on the theme of butches, from Jenny Shimizu, to old school butches to butches like, well, me. Check it out for eye-candy or for images of people who remind you of you and your friends.

Butch Wonders: this blog shows great promise with posts pondering the potential adverse effects of wearing a tie to interviews, defending her choice to wax and shave, and a great post on Butch Buddies.

New as of 04/19/2011

thoughts ON: [last post 12/2013] blogger Andy posted on the topic of being trans, but not enough to transition, for more on Andy’s thoughts on this ‘middleground’, read I AM trans. I just don’t try very hard. From Andy’s bio: Andy is a recent college graduate living in New England. When not engaged in queer activism Andy spends a lot of time kayaking, reading, and trying to change the world with a combination of twitter, church, and positive thinking while trying to decide on future plans which may, or may not, include ministry; but that’s the direction things are leaning right now. Andy works for various LGBTQ organizations and loves them all dearly.

(L)earned Masculinity: [last post 7/2012] this blogger used to post on a blog called Break it Down, Butch, but recently transitioned to this new space, acknowledging his passage from butch identified to trans identified. Add this one to your readers and follow DK on their journey down the genderbrick road. DK’s about page contains this line, one of my favorites found in anyone’s biography: My soul is blue and smells faintly of cedar.

Debonairgeek: I’m a nice guy. I am just trying to find my voice. Em wrote a post called,Deep Thoughts, talking about being butch and genderqueer and I really relate to almost all of what they’re saying. And, if you’ve ever wondered when and how to ‘pop your collar’ (and even if you haven’t), you should read this: entertaining, informative, funny.

MTF Butches (tumblr): This tumblr was inspired by the existence of other amazing tumblrs such as Fuck Yeah Cute Trans Chicks, Fuck Yeah FTMs, Femme FTM, as well as others. This page is meant to provide an additional empowering space for the multitude of trans* gender expressions. This is an inclusive space for the celebration of all butch, futch, butch-femme switches, grrls, genderqueer, genderfluid and other likewise MTF spectrum folk out there! Let’s represent some butch trans women!

Fuck Yeah FTMs (tumblr): Tumblr dedicated to FTMs, genderqueers, and others along that spectrum. Submissions are accepted, but moderated and you should follow the theme of the day: Muscle Mondays, Topless Tuesdays, We Wednesdays, Underwear Fridays, Fuzzy Sundays. Check the submission link for more information and guidelines.

New as of 01/25/2011

Gendercast: Our Transmasculine Genderqueery: Podcasts hosted by Sean Leao and Jessie. So far there are two podcasts, plus audio biographies from the hosts. Gendercast is a podcast looking to build community and we are encouraging participation at every turn. We speak to the entire transmasculine community, including genderqueer identified and beyond and of course, those who love them!

A Butch in the Kitchen. This blog gets into the nitty gritty of cooking butch with recipes, techniques and even some kitchen gear for the butch kitchen queer. She says she’s a novice but I’ll be her skills are just ready to be discovered. So far there are two recipes up: Cherry cobbler and ice cream bread. As a Butch Baker, I’m intrigued by these, but also looking forward to ideas in the appetizers and main courses categories. Butch in the Kitchen has a list of other food sites to check out and will also take submissions of recipes and photos from other cooks. I’m also wondering if anyone’s doing a Butch Cocktails site… hmmm.. maybe there’s a market for that. Follow this butch on twitter, as Butchndakitchen.

New as of 1/12/2011

Mixing it Up, JizLee.com: Genderqueer porn star, certifiably sexy individual, Jiz Lee says this about their blog — It’s a website and blog I run as a vehicle to share my experiences of sex and gender, film and photography. I hope it can provide a resource to queers and allies out there interested in my projects or wanting to find someone like themselves represented in the work I do and the ideas I express. Follow Jiz on twitter, check out their performances in the Crash Pad Series, the movie Champion and anywhere else you can. My personal connection is fleeting but squee worthy: I met Jiz at the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar party in 2009 and mentioned I had this blog.. which Jiz totally knew about “Oh! You’re Kyle!” *hug* .. but that’s not all, Roxy introduced herself and got a very long, full body hug. I think that means Jiz approves of my taste in women

New as of 12/29/2010:

ButchLab: Sinclair Sexsmith’s latest contribution to the community: The mission of the Butch Lab Project is to promote a greater understanding of masculine of center gender identities, expressions, and presentations, through encouraging: 1. visibility, because we feel alone; 2. solidarity, because there are many of us out there, but we don’t always communicate with each other; and 3. an elevation of the discussion, because we have a long history and lineage to explore and we don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Follow @butchlab on twitter as well.

On Being Butch: a very new and shiny butch-oriented blog by J-Rob, “I’ve only recently come to realize that butch is my gender, not just a role I play, and that has opened a lot of space for me to be who I am. Again, it’s odd, I’m 33 and I have been who I am my whole life, but I’m only just starting to understand what “who I am” actually means.”

Butch.org: by Jenni Olson, director of e-commerce at WolfeVideo.com and an LBGT queer cinema historian. Author of The Queer Movie Poster Book (2005, Chronicle Books), Jenni was also one of the founders of PlanetOut.com where she established the massive queer film industry resource, PopcornQ. She continues to write about queer films, as well as curating, collecting, and creating them. Her feature debut, The Joy of Life is now available on DVD.

Added 11/16/2010

Lesbian Neurotica, by Ulla, a butch dyke in South Africa who writes and draws cartoons and leaves thoughtful comments on a lot of the blogs I read.

Added 10/12/2010

A Stranger in This Place, by Wendi, who describes herself as “a motorcycle riding butch lesbian, retired accountant turned photographer and writer searching for her purpose in life and learning to enjoy the ride.” Wendi’s working on a book and participated in the Gender/Queer Spoken Word event for BV PDX on Sunday. I’m looking forward to reading more from Wendi.

Words of a Boi, by Jessie. This writer read something written during Sinclair’s writing workshop that stuck with me.. so much so that I instantly recognized it when I saw it on their blog a few days later. It’s a beautiful work of prosecomparing gender to a flower. This writer uses poetry, wonderful imagery and an openness that is very engaging.

Added 8/2/2010

Andi HB’s blog. Andi is a butch I met through twitter and another person who met and fell in love with someone through twitter (hey hey, Missy). Yes, the west coast butch fell for the Nawlins femme… can’t wait to see the Disney version. Andi’s a fan of all things Irish, the New Orleans Saints and, of course, Missy. Her latest post featured a damn fine pair of butch shoes. You can follow her on twitter as @andi_hb.

bracketabracket: [a] is a new blogger, just discovering the world of butch, trans, genderqueer, poly, BDSM blogs, since mid-june ’10, has been offering insights and stories of his own. Check out [a]‘s blog for posts about Transgender issues, BDSM and kink, Sex, Love, Relationships, Theater, Art, Politics.

Added 6/25/2010

Bron’s blog, Duct Tape Tomatoes, is new since May of this year, but already has me pulled in with her charm and honesty. I really, really love reading stories about people becoming themselves, it’s not only inspiring, it refuels me. The latest one that I really loved was The Manicure… butch gets mani/pedi, freezes at nail polish choices and plays Mario Brothers with new little brother.

Dear Diaspora isn’t a new blog, and a lot of you probably already read it, but I’m new to S. L. Bond’s view of the world. And that view, as communicated on DD is that of a Jewish Dyke and art student living in New Mexico.

Bee Listy is another blogger who’s been at it a while, Bee is a crafty, savvy butch who writes on a variety of topics. One post that really struck home with me recently was You know what’s awesome?, where Bee speaks of her frustration over the Butch-Trans border wars and wonders why some people don’t think there’s enough masculinity to go around for all those who want to claim it. Bee tweets as Beelisty.

Original list

Sugarbutch Chronicles: my gateway into the world of butch blogging and one of the most popular blogs around. Sinclair Sexsmith’s blog is your guide to sex toys, gender awareness and butch sexuality. After stalking Sinclair through blog posts and twitter for a long time, was happy to finally meet her in person at the New York Sex Bloggers Calendar Party last November. Over two years ago, when I discovered Sugarbutch Chronicles, what first caught my attention was the idea of butch erotic writing, which eventually led to the existence of Butchtastic. Sinclair lent support, practical advice and encouragement and has been a great source of inspiration. Sinclair tweets as @mrsexsmith.

Packing Vocals: Holden is one of my favorite butch erotic writers, a family guy, a snappy dresser and a good friend. Married to one of my favorite femmes, Femmeismygender, Holden tweets as @packingvocals.

NattNightly: Natt isn’t blogging as much anymore, but if you love beautiful writing and honest accounts of self-discovery and gender, it’s worth your time to read through the archives. I’ve been moved to tears more than once, from the sheer painful rawness of some stories and also from a severe case of writer’s envy. Having met and spent time with this super cool, super smart butch, I can say without question, Natt is very tall and is a lot of fun to hang out with. Natt tweets as @nattnightly.

Just Like Jesse James: This Seattle butch is an unabashed Cher fan and will also discourse at length on the virtues of the Golden Girls, if you just give her half a chance. Jesse blogs about Cher, life with her girlfriend and dog and the various other critters who inhabit their lives. Another blogger I’ve had the good fortune to meet and hang out with in real life, we live close enough to do it again, and we’re gonna, so watch out world. Jesse James tweets as @justjessejames.

Mina Meow/Aiden Fyre: Depending on when you meet this blogger you might think.. “Wow, hot femme” or “Mmmgrrr, who’s that sexy boi?” and you wouldn’t be wrong either way. Mina/Aiden is exploring gender thoroughly and with the kind of bravery, poise and intelligence we all should aspire to. This blogger writes about gender, sexual politics and how it all fits into the life of a “try-sexual”. I count it as one of the high points of my life that I’ve shared a deep passionate kiss with this hot and sexy blogger (and watched a make-out session with my girlfriend — yes, you should envy me). Follow on twitter as @aidenfyreand/or @minameow.

Butch GirlCat: Leo McCool isn’t blogging anymore but he was one of the first butch bloggers I gravitated to and fell in love with. Leo’s sometimes heart-wrenchingly honest stories about love, relationships and the journey to find his gender home are a must read for anyone else trying to find their way between the gender poles.

X-Ray Introductions: I first became aware of Arron when he was my secret Santa recipient and I sent him a cool metal studded belt and belt buckle. I finally met Arron during a visit to see Roxy in San Francisco. Over the years, I’ve enjoyed Arron’s video product reviews and stories about life. Arron tweets as @amok_.

The Freezing Flames: Firebolt is a genderqueer youth living in India, dealing with the challenges of a family that doesn’t get it in a society that really doesn’t get it. Firebolt is way ahead of where I was at that age, and living under much more trying circumstances, and has my unswerving admiration as a result. Tweets as @fireboltx.

Bren Ryder: Bren is the butch creative genius behind GoodDykePorn and as such, deserves our unending gratitude. Bren works hard to produce real, hot, queer porn with real queers. Bren is someone I know I’ll get to meet someday in RL, and I’m really looking forward to that. Bren tweets as @brenryder.

Jess I Am: Jess is courageous, thoughtful and honest in telling the story of how he went from being a butch to a transman. Life has handed him a lot of challenges in the past couple of years, but with his wife, Tina, at his side, he’s handled those challenges with grace and strength. I almost had the privilege of meeting these two during my trip to NYC, but it didn’t work out, but I have a very strong feeling we’ll all meet up at some point in RL. Jess tweets as @JessIAmBlog.

How to Be Butch: One of the newer blogs on my reader, Harrison doesn’t really try to tell you how to be butch, because, as the banner says “There’s more than one way”. Instead, you get some fun and insightful posts on Harrison’s exploration of butchness and gender and life. Harrison tweets as @HarrisonTB.

Sartorial Butch: A blog about butch fashion, the culinary arts and all around butch goodness. Another of my newer blog habits, SartorialButch is now featured on Butch-Femme.com and tweets as @SartorialButch.

She Called Me Superman: Yondergen’s blog tagline is “writing myself down so I can be found, or followed” and that’s really the goal of most of us who blog, isn’t it? Yondergen explores the butch-masculine-queer gender mix that is the heart of the matter for me as well. Plus baking, relationships, the quandaries of how to express and understand it all.

Musings from the High Speed Rodeo: Rhett’s writing is rapid and rhythmic, filled with great observations, honesty and humor. Rhett is the Asphalt Cowboy, go on over there, y’all, you’re in for a great ride.

Can I Help You, Sir?: Going by the initial, G, this butch blogs about gender, butchness and identity. G tweets as @canihelpyousir and has (had?) a regular feature called the Swoon List.

Lesbian Dad: I’ve had the Lesbian Dad on my reader for a long time. LD writes about her family, posts the sweetest pictures of her daughter and son and talks about parenting, politics and popular culture. My Suburban Butch Dad Reports were inspired by the Lesbian Dad. Follow her tweets @LesbianDad.

The Butchelor: another brave, honest blog from the perspective of a butch lesbian starting to come out as trans. Even though I’m not trans, I find myself relating to guys like this who are born in a body that doesn’t completely match who they are on the inside. It’s personal, it’s real, you should check it out. Tweets as @thebutchelor.

Break It Down, Butch: a blog I’ve discovered recently written by a butch who isn’t afraid to get it all out there. I appreciate the passion and honesty of this blogger and look forward to reading more.

Transitional Life (Life in Transition): Emmett takes us on his journey from butch to trans complete with family drama, changes brought on by testosterone, new names and the other challenges of life. Emmett is a lovely guy, wonderful with animals (he’s a vet tech) and people (especially kids, kids love him) and I wish him all the best as he continues on his journey. He’s got a YouTube channel, labradork1 where he’s been tracking the changes brought on by his transition. Emmett tweets as @friendtopups.

Butch Boo: BB is one of my earliest readers, a Brit Butch Blogger in London who recently posted a lovely grouping of pictures featuring butch footwear.

A Gender Queer View: Natasha Yar-Routh’s place on the web. A married gender queer trans-woman who posts short little nuggets of political observation and thoughts on life. Tweets as @xiomberg.

Gender Me Softly: The only couple-authored blog on my list, this blog is brand new, they just started this month. T. J. and Rhylee Flint share love, lives and blog space. Thad is a butch, likes the word ‘queer’ (so do I) and enjoys cultivating a masculine look through binding and packing. Rhylee is a queer female who’s exploring her gender and gender expression from a more femme perspective.

Gender Outlaw: this is a blog chronicling Joshua Riverdale’s FTM journey. Even though transitioning isn’t for me, I’ve learned a lot from his blog entries, videos and tweets, and appreciate his wit and intelligence. If you are curious about transitioning, or looking for genderqueer related resources (think binding, packing, etc), consider this blog and his website, transguys.com, as great starting points for the personal stories and resources. He’s got some of the best sideburns ever.. I’m totally having some envy over those. Josh tweets as @transguys.

Genderfork: this is a community blog, who’s mission is to support community for the expression of identities across the gender spectrum. They tweet as @genderfork and post profiles of genderqueer/fluid/variant folks.

Get Off My Lawn: wow.. now that’s a pretty grumpy blog title. Read the About Me and see a lot of bullet points.. this blogger loves bullet points, and was highly influenced by popular culture icons such as Matlock, Hank Hill and Mulder and Scully. As grumpy as the blog title is, I find this blogger highly amusing and fun to read, go check it out and see if you feel the same way. Tweets as @benjamin_bex.

Just a Big Guy with a Fun Sense of Sin: S. Bear Bergman’s Live Journal. I got to see Bear on a book reading tour with Ivan Coyote, and bought his book “The Nearest Exit May be Behind You” that night. Bear is a transman, new father and a gifted story teller. Bear tweets as @sbearbergman.

Visibly Transparent: Bear’s husband, Ishai, has a Live Journal as well. He carried their son Stanley and I can relate to his stories about the fertility clinic, pregnancy, birth and parenting.

Love Kills Slowly (tumblr): tumblr account of Val, known on twitter as @rugby8. Val posts pictures of sexy women, and the occasional quote.

somewhere in the middle: Nezu says it best “This is my place for looking at the middle ground of gender identity and sexual preference. And who knows, probably other stuff, too.” I’ve just begun to explore this writer’s musings about butchness, gender, identity and relationships.

TG Stone Butch Journal: Corey Alexander is a well-known queer kink/sex educator and writer. He can be found all over the country at conferences teaching and speaking on topics as diverse as polyamory, butch faggot play, stone sexuality and a myriad of other topics around gender and sexuality. Corey tweets as @tgstonebutch, look for his queer BDSM erotica under the nom de plum, Xan West.

The Man Sam: Son of T: Former female Sam Peterson tells all in this blog about transition. Looking forward to his chest reconstruction surgery thanks to ChestFest2010, Matt is wonderfully honest, funny and self-deprecating — a combination I particularly enjoy. Follow him on twitter as @ThaManSam.

Transfaggotry: Faggot Boi blogs about pronoun anxiety, leaving the lesbian identity behind, and other topics around becoming trans.

Transifesto: Matt Kailey’s place on the web. Matt shares information and his thoughts on transgender and transsexual issues. He’s a nationally recognized speaker and author on transgender issues and tweets as @MattKailey.

Androgynanomous: DPR (Dread Pirate Roberts) is the sweetheart of one of my favorite online people, Scintillectual. DPR just started blogging not long ago, but has already established a rhythm with poetry, musings on gender and sweet, sensual tributes to her lover. Tweets as @dread_pyrate.

butchboi: this site is run by the infamous Leo, of the Big Pink House. This is a site for cruising and networking, for those who identify as butch, boi, trans, gender queer, stud, drag king & their friends. The free membership opens up some features: forums, events and cruising, videos and a chatroom. The Cruising feature is fun, you can hone in your search by age, geography with more features available to subscribers. Check out the tweets from @ButchBoiLeo and @ButchBoi and@BigPinkHouse to keep up with the ButchBoi happenins.

This is the list so far, I like the length and heft of it (heh!) and I really like the diversity. The bloggers on this list have a stories to tell, experiences to share and I will continue to learn a lot from them. The breadth of this group, from the more female identified butch to the more male identified trans, meet the needs I have to explore the many facets and identities within me. There are some super smart people on this list, and funny too… great writers, open-hearted honest people, sometimes frustrated, but trying to make the world a better place for themselves and others. It may be hubris on my part to count myself as one of them, but these people have nurtured, coached and supported my journey as well. Even if we don’t make the same decisions, or come to the same conclusions, we’re all asking the same kind of questions, and questioning the same assumptions.

I encourage you to visit these blogs, read their stories and add them to your regular rotation if they appeal to you. And if I’ve left someone out, someone you think would fit into this list, please be so kind as to introduce me to them.

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