#hahaha literally came her to see if anyone made this comparison
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eehee here it is the long awaited results of my chaotic ass survey about our hornies it’s so long holy heck, but I have seperated it into a couple sections to make sense of it all (omg if you read all of it lemme give you a kith teehee) ahhhh lol its SO nerdy haha but i hope that ya enjoy nonetheless! ✨
In this essay, I will....(hahah jk jk this is just all for fun)
1. Demographics Analysis
2. Polls on Fic Content
3. Member Specific Analysis
4. Deep Dive into the Juicy Questions (Confessions)
5. General Thoughts and Conclusion
6. Cute shit that ya’ll said that made me giggle
*Unpopular opinions will be made into their own post to give them ample space and analysis!
Other Notes:
Out of 100 individuals surveyed, 44 were readers, 2 were only writers, and 54 were both readers and writers.
Statistical significance can be effected by sampling, selection, and response bias (yeah i took a stats class teehee) and personal biases
All the the opinions and other analysis presented by me (Ro/binniesthighs) are purely my own oponion and are not factual. you are entitled to interpret all of this information however you like! Anything that i analyze is not definitive!
while this survey is mostly about stay smutblr, i hope that it can also maybe serve as a template for other fandoms as well with the more general questions! this is a survey for everyone!
i’d love to hear about what you think about anything presented in this analysis! feel free to send me an ask or comment! reposting is permitted within tumblr or on other platforms if proper credit is given! ❤️ (uwu hehe if you could please help me spread this i would appreciate it so much! i worked really hard on her 🥺)
1. Demographics Analysis:
Gender Identities of those Surveyed
~My thoughts: this really came as no surprise to me considering how the majority of kpop fans (especially boy group fans) identify as female! Seeing as I am a Stray Kids/Seventeen blog (both of them boy groups) it makes sense to me that my readers would mostly identify as female!
Another important thing to note (from a writer standpoint at least) is the wide array of identities that we still have present within the general audience of stay smut blur (SSB)! I’ll get into this later when i discuss favorite pairings to read, however i think that this gives us one more reason to write for a diverse audience of readers who can identify with different types of self-insert fics!
Top Five:
Female (81%)
Non-binary/gender non-conforming (13%)
Changes by the day (6%)
Male (4%)
Demiboy/Demigirl (3%)
Sexual Orientation of those Surveyed
Other identities mentioned:
????, unlabeled, aromatic bisexual, bicurious, demisexual, “just liking who i like”, experimenting, heteroflexible, sapiosexual, depends day by day, “i just like anyone”
~My thoughts: okkkkk i see us gays of SSB 😏 these demographics were really exciting for me to see! i think that it’s super cool that we have such representation across the board when it comes to sexual orientations present in our community! As someone who personally identifies as pan, this was super comforting to see that there are so many others like me in this little space of the internet! I think it’s safe to say at least from my lil survey that all the bi cuties out here own SSB 💗💜💙
From a literal standpoint, it also makes sense to me that heterosexuality is strongly present as well considering that often the pairs that we read are male idol x female reader so this is the perfect niche!
Top Five:
Bisexual (40.8%)
Heterosexual (26.5)
Pansexual (17.3%)
Queer (7.1%)
Asexual (4.1%)
Stay Creators!!
~My thoughts: this one i was THRILLED at seeing oml hahaha and i was so interested to see that this was nearly an even split!
I think that there’s something to be said about how sometimes we can take our hobbies: (movies, videogames, books, kpop, anime etc)--all things which we really like in totally normal and healthy ways but also kinda like....get hornies about them too? if that makes sense? for example, i have a friend who really likes certain video games/characters from these games as a fan and he’s shared with me that he also doesn’t mind watching porn containing those same characters! (ahahah ya all know what i mean don’t even lie haha)
what this question proved to me as that there are stays out there who practice “being a stay/being a stay creator” who also are interested in the more...horny side of this hobby/interest 😂
what is even more interesting to me is who i wonder if i’ve have consumed any of ya’ll’s content while you have consumed mine??? this i am DYING to know aha but it think its best for all of us to stay anonymous teehee ;)
either way, good on ya for doing what ya do!! you are so so treasured in this community too!! <3
2. Polls on Fic Content (a long section lol)
Favorite Pairing to Read
*other options selected were rankings of favorite pairings so i just added each of them as an entry to the respective category mentioned.
Top Five:
Idol x female reader (69%)
Idol x gender neutral reader (19%)
Idol x reader x Idol (poly r/ship) (14%)
Idol x reader, Idol x reader (threesome, not much interaction between the two idols) (8%)
~My thoughts: once again, this category was pretty self explanatory to me considering that the majority of readers are female identifying, so it would make sense that they would prefer to read smut that aligns with their identity! This is also super present anyway of SSB as i do feel like the majority of writing pieces that I do come along are idol x female reader, and most authors too often disclaim that they are the most comfortable writing this type of pairing as well.
What’s signficant as well is the interest in reading fics with gender neutral reader self inserts as well! this is my personal philosophy when it comes to writing (specifically with requests) but i think that writing gn!reader is always the safest bet to go as to not make assumptions about readers! for writers i think that seeing this 19% is something important to take into consideration!
An outlier to me with this demographic was the “poly r-ship” poll garnering a notable 14% in comparison to the idol x idol option which got 10 less votes (4%). what is a little confusing to me about this is how poly r/ships often (but not always) contain idol x idol content, however there is discrepancy with the amount of readers outright saying that they enjoy reading it alone. I’ll get into poly fics later with the unpopular opinions section--however i wanted to plant the seed here hehe. One other caveat to this is the fact that on SSB i feel like idol x idol content is really in the minority and is much more present on a platform like AO3 so this could be another explaination!
What is kinda cute to me is the fact that readers do really like poly r-ship dynamics more than a threesome (as i defined it, “with less interaction”) so this makes me feel like we are all saps for the fluff that comes with poly r-ship fics ;)
Favorite Kind of Smut to Read
male idol smut (67%)
i read both! (female and male idol smut) (25%)
depends on my mood (7%)
female idol smut (1%)
~My thoughts: Again, this is super expected to me as well considering the above statistics. Since i am a skz blog (a boy group) --as are my moots-- it really makes sense that those who filled out this survey would be into male idol smut!
what was cool for me to see as well was the number of readers who also read female idol smut as well as male idol smut! personally, i more predominately a fan of boy groups compared to the amount of girl group content that I consume (note: i do also consume gg content). because of this, i think that its really up to personal preferences and the content that you consume that can be reflective of the smut content that you consume as well and ya know, whoever gets your hornies going ;)
Favorite Genres...Ranked!
*so this was my fault lol i totally formatted this question poorly in google forms so i’ll try to summarize the most popular rankings with my words haha
*bc of the way that i miffed it (lol) i wasn’t able to get exact measurements, but rough ones!
Top Five:
Smut, fluff, angst
smut n’ fluff (with specific emphasis angst is not desired)
smut, angst, fluff,
fluff, smut, angst,
angst, fluff, smut
~My thoughts: by far, the most popular ranking that i saw was as follows: smut, fluff, angst. i saw this sososos many times haha also...ya’ll got really creative with your rankings and it made me giggle hehe. So! seeing as this is stay smutblr haha makes total sense that the three most popular rankings that we have were lead by smut! since we’re here for the hornies, i totally get this.
as for the “smut n’ fluff” or “fluffy smut” category, there was a decent amount of readers that expressed that this mixture is their fave! i’m kinda looping this with the “mixture” option that i also provided for this question since this was the most popular mixture that i was able to observe along with angst + smut. interestingly, i saw a couple mentions of “hurt/comfort” fics with this question too so this went well with this preference. as for number three on this list, we dip into that smut + angst category that I just mentioned as well. there were several individuals who said that they really really enjoy reading smut with angst!
lastly we get to the four and five on the list: four being fluff, smut and angst. i think this category can also properly represent the folx who tend to like more fluffy fics over the smutty ones, but that can also have suggestive themes too! in five, we have angst, fluff and smut which also is representative of another theme that i saw: as far as plot goes, several people mentioned that they liked fics that start with angst, get fluffier, and then end up in smut, so i think that this could be easily compared!
*there were also several readers who simply said “all of them” or opted not to rank, (lol me) so this really shows the variability in results!
Cute stuff ya’ll said (kind of out of context too LOL)
“... hehE I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE.”
“...I KNOW IT [my ranking] LOOKS TERRIBLY SPECIFIC AND IM SO SORRY and I guess the better way to describe that was one that has all 3 with a happy ending lol my b my b.”
“ ...it just depends on the mood my dude.”
“... (the smut doesn’t have to be soft i just want the relationship to be soft and i want aftercare and general affection).”
“(but almost no angst oops)”
“angst honestly makes me so sad.”
“... but long fics with angst and slow burn smut/fluff is just WOW.”
“ my favourite thing is when it's fluffy smut tbh with a little bit of angsty backstory. that is *chefs kiss*”
“(I'm a sucker for good angsty fics but I cant seem to find them???)”
“Smut, Fluff, Angst (I tend to be a bit of a purist so no mixture here).”
“(i can't read pure angst lol) “
“(I love how much plot there is in angsty fics but I personally can't read anything without a happy ending, i just can't take it)”
“ i literally couldn't rank them bc my mood is always changing lmaooo.”
“ smut, fluff, angst. i know what i’m about.”
Favorite Length of Fics
Top Five:
5k-8k words (27%)
2k-4k words (25%)
1k-2k words (20%)
10k-20k words (15%)
20k words (12%)
~My thoughts: this one was super helpful for me to see!! and writers i hope that this is helpful for you too! as someone who tends to rambles (lol) it was very comforting for me to see that long-ish fics are actually preferred! what is really cool about this data too is that it is all super well balanced for the most part and nearly edqual in some parts! how i see this, i think that when it comes to preferences of length, its really reader specific so anyone could like anything! this goes into a little bit the slow burn question that i asked as well too, but it’s really cool to see that when readers do read, they kinda like something to sink their teeth into!
i wanted to look into how long it takes you to read these words, and it appears that on average, a 5-8k fic can take someone 30 mins to read whereas a 2-4k fic takes about 15mins! idk if this says something about attention spans, but as a writer it warms my heart to know that you’re willing to spend 30 minutes of your time reading something that i wrote! 🥺
another thing i wanted to bring up is the “hard and fast” smut readers--those who like to get straight to the point, get right to business and to the juice! they are also a decently large group too! as for readers who like a nice long fic or a chaptered fic, they are super close in numbers! from this, it’s safe for me to assume that maybe those who like reading longer fics are more inclined to strap in for the long haul with chaptered fics too!
Favorite AUs to Read
*the top category that got cut off (thank you google forms lol) is friends to lovers! the one that says “...love” at 48% is enemies to lovers, and the one that has a blanked out title at 35% is strangers to lovers!
Top Five:
friends to lovers (65%)
enemies to lovers (48%)
high school/college au (40%)
roommates/neighbors to lovers (38%)
strangers to lovers (35%)
Other AUs mentioned by you!
office au, royal au, vampire au, fake date, idol au, slice of life, boarding school au, childhood friends, soulmate au
~My thoughts: ok ok so this was RAD to see! i often wonder myself the kinds of aus that my readers would like to see so this was really helpful! circling back on how readers tend to favor fluff n’ smut (friends to lovers) and angst n’ smut (enemies to lovers) i think that we’re seeing some more themes here teehee.
i like to think that since most of us are of the college age, the college au is super relatable therefore we really like to read it! not to mention that college and high school au’s are super duper cute as well! this is also relatable to the roommates/neighbors to lovers category which is also relatable to us who may or may not have experienced having a roommate or crush on the cutie next door ;) as a couple readers mentioned, they liked more “slice of life” au’s--which both of these categories fall into! i think we as readers like scenarios that feel the most real to us, bc they are the easiest to insert ourselves into :)
fantasy and thriller, action, more “fiction” tropes are in the minority, however i think that this can be for the exact same reason as i mentioned above where readers like more relatable scenarios.
Opinions on Slow Burn Fics
~My thoughts: during polling of this category, this pie cart stayed basically the same the whole time!! that was pretty cute to see! the important take aways from this survey for me is the fact that slow burn fics are generally really loved! again, lol as someone who writes big ol’ long slow burn fics this made me feel a lot better hahaha basically, the general consensus is that slow burn fics are welcome most of the time, however some readers might need to invest a little more time into them! this is also very easily comparable to the above statistics on the length of fics preferred (longer ones being the ones more popular) so here’s a lil more supporting evidence!
3. Member Specific Analysis
Bias Survey
Top Five:
Chan (19%)
Changbin (18%)
Hyunjin (16%)
Jisung (15%)
Minho (14%)
~My thoughts: ok ok ok so this is where it starts getting JUICY hehe (also i apologize once more for making you pick LOL)
the reason why i asked this question was because i wanted to see if there was a correlation with biases and if there was a probability that members who had more people biasing them (or popularity I guess) were more likely to be read more in smut fics! AND I WAS RIGHT haha isn’t this so fkn cool??? (see more in the next section!)
for comparison, i went to kprofiles to see their little survey on bias popularity and their top five.
Kprofiles Top Five:
Hyunjin (15%)
Felix (14%)
Chan (12%)
Minho (11%)
Jisung (11%)
SO oh my god my nerd brain is loosing it over this REE so, what i should note that is those who took this survey on my blog are likely generally different based off of the fact that they are here to read smut specifically, rather than the general holistic popularity survey. It is for this reason that we see Felix much higher on this list and Changbin much lower too (as we know Felix is really well known generally and globally and there are *generally* fewer Bin biased fans). What was really interesting to see what that with Hyunjin, Chan, Jisung and Minho, they still all stayed within the top five! Soooo what i’m saying is.... all of you Hyunjin, Chan, Jisung and Minho fans really must like your smut 😏 and I think that it’s safe to assume that the majority of hard stans come from these four members too ooP (and of course our Binnie too! ;) i see all of ya’ll 👀)
Members That Get Our Hornies Going
~My thoughts: AHH DOESN’T THIS LOOK SO SATISFYING? I’M SO PROUD OF HER!!!
First off, i would like to acknowledge the all mighty power of Bang Christopher Chan for pooling this most hornies god DAMN while i kind of expected this, it is also evidenced in the fics that i write! recently i’ve been tracking the number of notes that my Chan hard thoughts get in comparison to other members and the differences are usually ASTRONOMICAL. He is most def the most popular member for smut for several different reasons, lowkey bc i think that it’s kind of part of his brand?? hahaha if ya know what i mean?
As for preference from Minho on, we can see a super obvious trend that as age order decreases, we get less and less interest for reading for the member. I’m fairly inclined to believe that this has to do with the fact that most often fans (especially fans older than skz) have a harder time seeing the younger members in a sexual way, so the lack of interest totally makes sense here! As referenced above too, we found that the oldest five members (Chan --> Jisung) are the favorites for smut reading which we can see here as well when the numbers really drop after Felix (Felix coming in at 6th place on my “popularity” survey).
Bc of these statistics, i do really feel like as a reader, i tend to see much, much more fics involving our top five! As for Seungmin and Jeongin, I’ve also seen people state that they do not read or write content for these two members bc they do not feel as comfortable, so this can also explain the lack of content. Also as we have heard many times, Jeongin is a bit of a hot topic lol within the SSB community, so this makes sense that his readership would be low as well.
4. Deep Dive into the Juicy Questions (aka confessions)
Is the fact that you read smut a seggsy secret?
~My thoughts: JUICE TIME JUICE TIME
Before I say anything, i wanted to tell you all how all of the juicy questions were totally optional, but i got 100% participation for every single one of them which if find HILARIOUS i guess you all are just as curious as i am?? ;)
So! for this question, we have an overwhelming amount of readers who said that only their closest friends know which is so cute to me! i love how we can trust our friends with this hehe. i also fall into this category bc like, it’s lowkey kinda fun to talk about? maybe also the fact that i run a smut acct makes me care a little less about it all hahah
secondly, we have the rather large group of people who said that they wouldn’t dare to tell anyone which is also sooo cute haha idk how to explain it but this was the category that i started out in too until i found the right people! But i totally get ya, reading smut--especially-- kpop smut-- can be embarrassing or cringey to share (not to mention that it is somewhat morally grey LOL) so this is really understandable!
also my fkn hats off to all of you who said that you didn’t care about who knows that you read smut. here, you dropped this: 👑 you’re much braver than i could ever be.
When you read smut, do you really feel the hornies?
~My thoughts: ok, so this one to me was also very interesting for me to see as well! (also if you get uncomfy reading about personal masturbation habits you can skip this one lol)
the reason why i asked this question was because i wanted to see if people “get off” by reading smut (whether reading it turns you on, or if you choose to use it for “material” to get off on however this might look, might be more of a mental simulation without any real like, physical getting off) candidly, I use smut to get myself off every once and a while, so i wanted to see who else might be in the same group! since becoming a writer however, i read much less and reading it doesn’t hit the same when i was just a reader bc i have a different perspective of being the one writing the smut so i look at it more analytically--i digress.
it was exciting (teehee get the pun?) for me to see that others also “get off” on smut too--and that they are the majority! teehee it is an honor for me to provide you with the hornies LOL. at the same time, we still have a large group in the “don’t take to seriously” category which was interesting to me too! i can’t speak for these readers, but i interpreted these kind of readers to be the kind who read smut to imagine the scenes and are like “hm, that’s hot, i like thinking about this.” but it doesn’t extend much outside of these thoughts.
What is the most popular position pairing we like to read?
*smaller slices of the pie represent multiple favorites which i also seperated back into the categories corresponding to get the best count into what was the most preferred.
Actual Breakdown:
dom!idol // sub!reader (51 votes)
switch!idol // switch!reader (32 votes)
subidol! // dom!reader (11 votes)
all of the above (5 votes)
depends on my mood (2 votes)
~My thoughts: i feel as if there is a bit of a conflict between which position really is “the best” and while we really can’t know the answer to this question since everyone has different preferences, we can at least find out which one is the most popular to be consumed!
again, going off of the content that I also see as a reader, i see TONS of dom!idol fics, like, left and right. also, if i may come for all of our necks, 👀 but...there’s really something to be said about the fact that the majority of readers are female and historically and socially, women are typically socialized to be submissive, so i can see why this would be why we would favor this among fics--this is even further evidenced by the fact that male idol smut is also preferred, thus further perpetuating the fact that women have been socialized to be submissive to men specifically. i’m not saying that this is the end all be all reason that this trend is present, but i merely offer it as a possible explaination. this is a much larger sociological conversation, but i think that this trend also showed itself in the types of smut that readers seek out as well--according to demographics.
sub!idol fics are few and far in-between, and i think that this can also be for the exact same reason as i talked about above!
When you read smut, do you pick faves to read for?
~My thoughts: what’s cool about this question is the fact that the “half and half” nature of it also resembles what we saw in the section for favorite members to read! As we see in that chart, 41 out of 100 people said that they read everyone, similar to this question where 48 out of 100 people said that they read for everyone. What this proves to me once more is that when it comes for reading fics, there's a 50/50 chance that the reader will look at, and read it based off of who it is about alone. This is a really powerful statistic, meaning that the members who that a writer might write for really dictates their readership! At the same time, it’s super comforting to know that regardless of what you as a writer might write, there’s always someone out there who is willing to read it! (as evidenced by the 52% of people who read for anyone! this is still a large number)
Readers: Do you only use Tumblr for smut?
~My thoughts: when i first started out reading smut, i was in the “i just look up skz smut” group LOL so i wanted to see again if there was anyone like me--which there is! This was more of my interest in seeing if some people view tumblr as “their smut dealer” AHA so that my initial motivation. I was surprised to see that this is not the case! out of 100 readers, 39 of them have their own non-smut blogs and the second largest group of 26 people use tumblr for smut exclusively.
idk why, but when thinking of this question, it really got me thinking back to the question where i asked if reading smut is a seggsy secret, and there was the group of people who said that it is for them--i’m assuming that these people might be part of the group have non-smut blogs and read on the side teehee.
at the same time, there is a combined 40 people who said that they use tumblr for smut purposes only which makes sense to me, as those who filled out my survey are readers of my smut blog if you catch my drift haha
Writers: Do you read smut, or just write it?
*56 responses correlate with those polled who identified as writers/both as mentioned above
~My thoughts: this survey is really really cute for me to see bc it means that there is a whole support network or writers out there reading, supporting and here to hype other writers work!! if anything, as a writer because it takes so much time to write, it can become hard to find time to read, hence the “when i have time option lollll (*cough cough* me LOL) thank you all for your honesty with this question!
5. General Thoughts and Conclusion
Survey on Exposure
~My thoughts: i kinda wanna close off this survey by getting on my soapbox for a sec lol. At least for me, the most common ways that readers found my blog were: looking up a tag, and from a repost. i think that this really goes to show the power of exposure and certain tactics that you can use to increate readership of your account! new readers, if you’re reading this and you’re just starting out, tagging your stuff is so so important!
also, as i have said and so so, many other content creators have said countless times before, reposting is so crucial and it takes little to no effort to repost a creators work so that it might reach others! as a writers, we spend hours, and i mean hours creating content, editing, drafting, creating headers all out own time to publish something that we are proud of and for you to enjoy! it means the world to authors when you reblog their work and even more when you give feedback too because this is our passion! we write for free in the middle of our busy lives so the validation makes it all worth it!!
Conclusion
~phew! so that’s it! once again, i wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart from participating in this lil study! i really hope that it is helpful to writers and readers alike! i wanna give ya all the biiiiiigest Ro huggies!! 💕💕
as i mentioned above, the answers for the unpopular opinions will be made into their own post bc there is a ton of them and i didn’t want to clutter up this doc lol
don’t ya ever forget that you are important, loved, and special! happy hornies my cuties ;)
~R 🌹
6. Cute shit that ya’ll said that made me giggle (and hopefully makes you giggle too)
~you all are the light of my life!! each of these comments brought me so much happiness and i love you all so fkn much for that!! also, to those of you who said, “Ro date me” PLZ haha i will date you too!!! too all of the super sweet comments about my writing, thank you so so very much and thank you for reading! it means so much to me!! to all of the i love yous, ahhhh i love you toooooo 💕
“I DUNNO IM BAD AT FUNNY STUFF BUT KNOCK KNOCK I GUESS? -whos there
RO
-ro who
Me, in chan voice: RObber ducky you're the one
yeah...
yeah
bYE”
“ I didn’t know changbin’s thighs were of such importance until I saw your username but now?? 👀 I am looking respectfully.”
“ every time chan doesn’t reply to my bubble message i hold my breath and try to die💆♀️”
“ here are my favorite emoji combos: 😐☝️ 😫🖐️ 😂🤏 (i use that one when i get a dick pick and it's rlly small but the person thinks its big-) “
“ you are EVIL for making me choose just ONE bias OT8 EXISTS OK!?”
“ I hope this survey provides you with a lot of useful feedback! -sincerely a big tiddie committee member (you know the one)” [hehe yes i do hai M ;)]
“ chan’s tiddies... that’s it.”
“jeogiyo noona hokshi namjachingu isseoyo?“
“ Jeongin is appropriately baby bread because his face is puffy in the morning so it's kinda like yeast rising 👉👉 “
“ someone needs to tell hyunjin to put some vaseline or something on his cuticles like I love him a lot but his recent live made me scream sir your cuticles are hanging on for dear life please I'm literally begging you “
“ I squeal whenever I get a notification from you and my family think I’m secretly dating someone. It’s nice knowing that they think I can get someone during a pandemic 😁 “ [this one had me SENT]
“i hope ur dreams are blessed with skz thighs.”
“ HS Bin supremacy!!”
“Sta”
“Ro(ses) are red, violets are blue - DaVinci painted Mona, cause he couldn't find you :') “
“✨ dInG dOnG ✨ “
“You're doing God's work as a changbin stan xD “ [thank you so much aHA]
“damn gorl, are you a wifi signal? cause i’m tryna connect 🤔🥴✌🏾 “
“Good luck with your survey! I hope you get a big response! You know what else is big..?
Chan's feet. (I'm sorry, that was my attempt to make you giggle but I'm clearly not a comedian)”
“What's the internal temperature of a taun taun? Luke warm! (Haha sorry star wars joke) “
“egg“
“just because you’re garbage, doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot <3 “
“Soft-Dom Minho Agenda is the best agenda. I have spoken. Sincerely yours, Javi (@itsapapisongo) “ [this is the way javi]
“Bang chan daddy supremacy”
“ro, ro, ro your boat gently down skz’ dick hell yea.” [this also had me SENT]
“stay smut writers should take “maknae on top” literally“
“idk man i’m just vibing. hope ur day is going well. (changbin voice) da DA da”
Fin.
~🌹~
Bunch of (Ro)ses!
@minaamhh @dazzlehoseok @synnocence @jjewibeans @hyunsluvv @unexceptional-h @bobawithchaitea @lechanters @sailorhyunjinz @silencefavarchive @lunarskzzz @yourdaddychan @bubblelixie @spnobsessedmemes @chaangbin @lmhmins @eunaeiekim
#PHEW#haha this was so fun!!#binniesthighs helpdesk#skz smut#stray kids smut#kpop smut#bang chan smut#lee minho smut#changbin smut#hyunjin smut#han jisung smut#felix smut#seungmin smut#jeongin smut
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Eternal Love of Dream: Episodes 6 & 7
A journey into my thoughts which are utter nonsense but I try and form it into some sort of commentary/review.
1. You DO NOT need to have seen Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms (Eternal Love) to watch this.
2. If you have seen Eternal Love, ignore what happens between these two. (They weren’t able to gain copyright access to this novel for Eternal Love, so their storyline was made up and put in as a filler)
3. This is based on a novel, you don’t need to read the novel but it is a great read if you’re interested.
4. I may refer to this as The Pillow Book or TPB.
5. Lastly, there will be some comparisons and I will relate to the novel at times.
Watch out for spoilers as always!
Episode Six
No one looks happy about this upcoming wedding. I don’t blame them tbh...
That’s a long time to be lonely... o.o Also where’s this bachelor life Donghua led? I would like a peek at it or was this it? Taking no interest in anyone, lol.
Oh that’s right! Cheng Yu was mentioned in the novel but she didn’t appear. She hates the gift if I remember correctly.
I love how Donghua asks Fengjiu if she’ll go with him. To me, this really shows Donghua does care about the fox who has been accompanying him for the past few years. I mean he built a pavilion for her. But we also at the same time start the cycle of Fengjiu believing Dongua’s true feelings lie elsewhere (this is gonna go on for a while, a long long while).
Fengjiu really trying her best to change Donghua’s opinion is so sweet. *sigh* If only she wasn’t a fox she could have stood up for herself later on.
!!! She was so excited to show Donghua what she had done. My heart hurts now.
My thoughts exactly!!! I don’t want to condone Fengjiu’s violence here, she was I feel a bit too harsh to go and bite Ji Heng. But also Ji Heng should have been straight up and said it wasn’t her that made those changes :/ Ah... the misunderstandings begin...
I took a break whilst doing this to go watch Romantic Doctor, Teacher Kim 2 and cried a whole load so let’s get back to some lighthearted stuff, shall we?
Hahaha.
Then she finds out it’s for her and suddenly I’m confused. What is the relationship Lian Song and Cheng Yu? Pretty sure they like each other. I don’t remember Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms very well it’s been a minute since I’ve watched that. (Released in 2017, I haven’t watched it in 3 years. No wonder I don’t remember these things.)
*sigh*
Nooooooooo. Don’t you dare lay your fingers, well paws, on that fox. I’ll come for you. Mark my words.
Why did they play sad violin music over this? (I think it was a violin, don’t quote me on it) Donghua looks like he’s going out to war and Si Ming was his lover, lmao. I’m trying to escape sadness not keep it going through the night until it’s suddenly 2 AM and I’m listening to my feelings with sad ballads.
This is so beautiful. There really is no other way to put it. Fengjiu pines over Donghua for so long, it’s just painful to watch her suffer in misery.
OH please no. Don’t make me suffer even more.
Well, tonight is just full of pain. It was painful in the novel and it is just as heartbreaking in the show too. The last time we’ll see Fengjiu & Donghua together at Tai Chen Palace for a long while.
Episode Seven
*sigh* I can’t say much without giving out spoilers, I do want to limit spoiling the later parts of the book. I wonder what his fate was before Fengjiu came along.
Yes honey, for now, we have to. Fengjiu suffers the most but she also gains what she desires in the end.
#fengjiu’sprotectionsquad is back!
This is the content I signed up for!
My new favourite type of drunk is Cheng Yu. Hahaha. (please drink responsibly). The way she literally drags Lian Song with her lmaooo.
I like how when she decides to give up. It’s then Donghua who decides to go after her (e.g. in the moral realm which is a few eps away. Even though it is Donghua’s mortal reincarnation) (but the most significant is Aranya’s dream) who says they don’t have fate? Ha.
We’re still on this train, are we? haha. I forgot she was around, to be honest, she doesn’t really play any significant role in the novel. She’ll crop up later but nothing comes from it.
I forgot to mention the pavilion is really beautiful. Those trees <3 Just imagine that one scene in the trailer, Donghua’s leaning against the tree looking over the pavilion where Fengjiu is studying. But. Just imagine. Bai Gungun was with her and he was just taking in his family. Ugh. Now I’m a mess. That scene would be perfect bliss.
Cheng Yu has her priorities set straight.
#fengjiu’sprotectionsquad minus Bai Zhen. Where is that guy? I miss him >.<
Fengjiu’s protection squad really are living up to their name. damn. They’ve got some smooth moves.
There he is! My heart is content. (someone send help I’m falling in love with this guy)
I would love to see Bai Zhen in a fight scene, he’s probably one powerful man.
If you’re wondering what Ye Hua and Bai Qian have been doing this whole time, I’ll let you know (They were literally making out the whole novel while A Li gets jealous of his mother being taken away by his father.) Also, A Li is a boy but he’s being played by a girl, I’m not entirely sure why.
well that was a quick wedding, didn’t even last a minute.
damn.
he looks as if he’s one step away from using all his cultivation to destroying everything in his wake.
And we’re finished!
Any questions, please just ask and I’ll try my best to answer them!
See you next time!
Episodes 4 & 5
Episodes 8 & 9
#eternal love of dream#three lives three worlds the pillow book#the pillow book#cdrama#chinese drama#dilraba dilmurat#gao weiguang#wang xiao#yuan yuxuan#baron chen#huang junjie#li dongheng#episode 6#ep 6#episode 7#ep 7
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A little rant about Doc from Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
First, I’ll say... this post contains MASSIVE SPOILERS for this movie, so if you haven’t seen it yet, don’t read on unless you don’t care if things get ruined for you, heh.
Next, I’ll mention that this is not a platform to shame the movies in general or to say Final Chapter sucked. I know a lot of you can (and would) say most if not all of the movies sucked, whether on their own or in comparison to the games, but I really love them, despite their flaws. So we’re not going to hate on the movies... except in fun ways, heh. There is a lot I have been able to enjoy, piece together, extrapolate on with these movies, maybe because I have a writer’s brain and a pretty good imagination, so I can overlook certain failings of horror/scifi movies and see their potential in other ways. It’s brain candy for me, so I can’t hate them too much.
Except... Final Chapter... Doc. (sigh)
Words cannot express how much I hated this character. I could just stop there. Buuuut, I won’t. XD Read on if you don’t mind spoilers or you hate Doc as much as I do, haha.
Right, so... Doc. This guy right here.
Doc represents to me the epitome of bad writing, bad plot twists, bad plot twist reveals, and bad scripting. I cannot say bad acting, because... with what this actor was given to work with I think he did a good job. Too bad the writing and script made him look like a total ass.
So, Doc was made exclusively for the trope of good-guy-turns-out-to-be-spy. I mean, it’s overused, but in some cases it’s an effective and even necessary trope. Not here. Aside from the fact that Doc served no discernible function in the entire movie other than to save Alice from a trap he let her ride into in the first place, Doc was written so poorly that anyone with a decent amount of experience in mapping out and writing story arcs could spot his flip a mile away. But then, once his duplicity is revealed, the movie’s banking on the viewer’s acceptance of this “revelation” is so complete and so obvious that he actually changes in personality, demeanor, and body language. Come with me while I rip Doc’s character apart for being such an affront to expertly crafted spy and betrayal arcs everywhere.
We first meet Doc when Alice wakes up from riding into a trap that full-body bitchslaps her off her motorcycle and causes her to fall unconscious. She wakes up to Doc trying to ram a needle in her heart and get her full of adrenaline so she’d wake up. (sigh) Imma already stop here. Because... already we have problems. When she asks him what's in the syringe, the conversation goes as follows:
“I needed you awake.”
“Why?!”
“Somethin’s comin’. Somethin’ big. Same direction you came.”
I just... *rubs temples* I have so many problems already. First of all, this is supposedly a group survivors that have barely enough to live on in a building crumbling so badly that it’s down to its metal framework. Where... the frick... is he getting pure adrenaline from? Okay, his “name” is Doc. I’m guessing that’s not his real name. Maybe he was supposed to be an actual doctor? I’m not buying it, and they never really went into that at all. Anyhoo... if we ignore that there’s really no way he would have something like that (unless it was given to him... but I’ll get back to that later), the bigger problem of how does he know something big is coming remains.
You might be like uhm... the armies of undead? Headed their way? That the Dr. Isaacs clone is leading to them? Duh. *wags finger* Okay, just wait up. First of all... how does he know what it is? What does he have like a sixth sense? I thought that was Alice’s job. And second of all, this would almost fly if they had said he saw it through the binoculars or something, but then later on when Abigail alerts Alice to the armies headed their way, she acts as if this is new news. Did Doc see it and just... not report it? I mean, if he was a spy, that would make sense, except that NOBODY REACTED AT ALL to him saying that. My first comment if I was one of the survivors would be, who the hell is this chick (Alice)? But my second one would be, wait what? What something big? Holy crap, Doc, why didn’t you say something?! But nobody reacts. Okay. Fine. Maybe it’s just bad script writing. Yeah, it is, and it only gets worse.
So then when Alice begins to succumb to the really bad wounds she sustained from hitting the trap, she’s taken to Doc’s little infirmary, where she’s offered... mouthwash? Hahaha, I mean that’s what it looked like to me, this bluish-green liquid that’s like... okay, wtf is this now, and where did he get it from? He says it’s the “specialty of the house,” and that it’ll have her on her feet in no time. Sure enough, Alice drinks this shit, and she’s all better. No limping, no more gross coughing, she’s fine! Wtf.
I wanna know what that stuff was, because nothing would have instantly fixed the bruising, possible broken rips, maybe a puncture lung, and possible other broken bones that Alice must have had from that trap. Unless... it was from Umbrella. Honestly, after I had written the earlier scene off as just not making sense because of movie crap, heh, this scene really made me think something wasn’t right with Doc. I immediately had the notion of... he’s getting information and supplies from Umbrella. That’s why he has this great stuff that heals people, that’s where he got the adrenaline from, and that’s how he already knows the armies of undead are coming. That combined with the “Alert our operative in Raccoon City” comment from Wesker pretty much confirmed it, but I’m not done with this scene yet.
So once he fixes Alice up, Claire and him have a little moment. And I mean little. Literally all we get of their relationship is this scene and a bit of hand holding later on. But yeah, they stand close together and that’s supposed to mean something, and then Claire says to Alice, “You know, he and I...” and Alice says, “I noticed.” That’s it. It’s almost like the movie was coming out of itself and telling the view, “Oh, by the way, these two are involved. That’ll be important later, so pay attention.” I mean, seriously, it was so blatantly, extraneous, and unnecessary, and therefore it felt out of place and odd. Also rushed. For all those reason, I already had Doc pegged as the traitor.
And how typical would that be? It’s always the guy you least suspect, right? The movie tries to set him up as a hero, an honorable badass. He’s involved with Claire, and we all like Claire. (Okay, not everybody likes Claire, or Ali Larter’s portrayal, but the movies assume you like her.) You’d never suspect the guy who helped Alice and who was involved with Claire would be a bad guy. They go out of their way to make Doc seem like a great guy - maybe too great - complete with the stoic, calm, suave persona the actor portrayed. He never lost his head, kept other erratic members of his group in line, was a natural leader, and seemed to have a lot of honor. All of these were red flags of a character that is being set up to be too glowing in a world of ambiguous and downright evil people.
Then... we have Doc’s participation through the standoff with the aforementioned zombie armies, the descent into the Hive, and eventually delving into the Hive. He was always asking Alice about things. Where are you going, what are you doing, have you seen (insert name of underdeveloped minor character here)? He really seemed to want to keep tabs on people, always know what was going on, always know what was happening next. To me, that’s exactly what a spy would do... except they would be MUCH LESS FREAKING OBVIOUS ABOUT IT. Double agents who are constantly asking WHATCHA DOIN’ THERE? don’t make it very far, heh. He couldn’t have been more obvious if he had an “I’m a spy” sign on his damn forehead.
And at this point, I feel like the movie might have feared that you were catching on, and it tried to point you in the wrong direction like a kid who says HE LOOK OVER THERE to get you to turn around and then runs in the other direction. I see what you did there, movie. When the Red Queen warns Alice about the “informant” Umbrella had in Raccoon City, the camera skips around to everybody present, Murder on the Orient Express-style, as if to ask the viewer oooooh, who could it be? And in doing so, the camera stops on everybody for a fairly decent moment, until it gets to Doc. Then it kindof flits away like WHOOPS you didn’t see him, don’t suspect him, it’s not him. (sigh) Yes it is, movie. I totally called it.
So yeah, that’s half the reason I hate Doc. They way he was set up was so contrived, and the path leading up to the reveal is so obvious, that I didn’t feel like it was a twist at all. By the time Doc is revealed as the informant, I was surprised at the movie’s insistence that this was big news. I honestly was shocked to realize that they hadn’t blatantly already told me that. That’s how obvious it was.
The other half of why I hate Doc is the change in him after he’s revealed as a traitor. Up until then, he was brave, unafraid, cool/calm/collected, stoic, tough, you name it. Golden badass boy. And a leader. Then we’re told that he’s an informant for Umbrella, and all of a sudden, he’s acting like a totally gullible, unintelligent, dumbass. This irritated me two-fold.
Firstly, the trope that good guys are sexy, calm, and collected, and bad guys must be irrational, erratic, and insane idiots in order to be bad is PLAYED and UNREALISTIC. Why does Doc’s personality need to change after he’s revealed to be a duplicitous asshole? Why can’t he still be a suave sexy bastard, but just be evil? The second he’s revealed as an asshole, he becomes a spineless follower instead of an honorable leader, sucking up to Isaacs by telling him he’ll disable the charges Alice placed in the Umbrella High Command cryo-tubes (even Isaacs patronizes him by saying, “You’ve done well, Doc.” It’s the way he says it. It’s clear he thinks Doc is nothing but a dog to order around...) and then begging for his life, first to Alice and then to Claire. By the time Claire is getting ready to shoot him, he’s yelling out loud in fear of being shot. Was this at all consistent with Doc’s bravery from before? I would have actually liked the character a whole lot more, even despite the crappy buildup, if he had remained the fearless leader-type character he was before he was revealed as a traitor. That would have been so much more interesting and frankly dangerous than the groveling, sniveling, erratic mess he became.
Secondly, I was really pissed off at how little he cared about Claire. And frankly how little she cared about him. Like... granted, their relationship really had no fleshing out whatsoever, but I have a writer’s brain and I tend to fill in blanks on my own. You tell me they’re in a relationship? I’m gonna assume a certain level of bonding has occurred. Now, this kindof goes along with the whole "good guys are badass and villains must be insane dumbasses" peeve, but why can Doc not be a spy for Umbrella AND be genuinely in love with Claire? It would have been far more interesting and compelling of an end to his arc if he had continued to love her and defend her until the end.
I mean, I can tell you why he didn’t. Because if the Resident Evil movies suffer from any catastrophic failures at all, it’s that they insist upon character fitting molds and tropes. It’s too difficult, tedious, and time-consuming to have characters that don’t fit the mold because then we have to address those feels. First of all, these movies don’t have time for that, they’re incredibly rushed. Second of all, they assume for us all as viewers that we don’t want emotions and uncomfortable psychological issues (outside the bare minimum norm for this genre) in a horror/action film. This is evident in them cutting many other scenes in the franchise that would have brought up difficult talking points and emotions, such as the White Queen questioning the morality of Dr. Isaacs butchering so many Alice clones in his obstacle course of death in RE: Extinction.
How uncomfortable and outside the box would it be if Doc still maintained the same affect he had before the reveal (strong, stoic, brave) AND defended Claire against Wesker. Not that he had a change of heart or anything like that. He can still be a villain, but can also genuinely love Claire. The two things are not disqualifying against each other. How cool would it have been if Isaacs ordered him to kill Claire and he said that’s the one thing I won’t do, and then he’s shot for it or dies protecting her from Wesker? That would have been...... awkward at best for the viewer, because you hate this guy. He betrayed Alice and Claire, but then oh... he does really love her and is a brave guy despite his morals not being in the right place. Uncomfortable.... but good.
But horror/sci-fi/action movies tend to not go to places like this with their viewers because they feel it ruins the action or the feel of the movie. To me, Doc would have been more compelling and seemed more realistic and human if things had gone this way instead of the way they did. Villains are real and they’re among us. They’re human just like us. They’re not robots, they’re not all insane, they’re not all grovelling spineless idiots. Sometimes they’re brave dudes who love people. Yes, villains can be capable of great love, and showing that in Doc would have been a very powerful moment. I also would have appreciate a tear or SOMETHING from Claire. I understand he’s betrayed you, but you’re in love with him, or at least involved somehow. Show us that you care, even despite knowing what you have to do.
Phew! *sits back and fans self* Okay. I feel better. I finally got out this long rant about this character that I’ve had in my for a while, haha. This was actually a lot of fun to write. If anyone has anything to add, feel free. if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said, let me know. I love talking about my rants, so feedback is welcomed!
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#5: Season 3, Episode 1 - “The Kiss”
Season 3 begins with a bang -- bringing us one of the best, most memorable episodes the show has ever produced! Louis and Tawny accidentally kiss at lunch and the two decide to start dating!!! AHHHH! Everything's great until Tawny has to kiss Zack Estrada (yes, the saga continues once again) in the school play. The subplot is all about Donnie, who feels like a broken human because he never cries.
This is it, guys. The Top 5. The home stretch. The crème de la crème. Let’s go.
This episode was a really big moment in my childhood. I was going through some old VHS tapes I found not too long ago, and came across one with this episode on it! That’s how you know it was a major deal. The first minute or so was cut off on the recording, and this was before all of our TVs had in-depth guides at our fingertips -- so I had no idea what episode was going to be airing. All I knew was “Even Stevens is up next!” So as soon as I saw it was the kiss episode, I popped in that tape and recorded this thing ASAP. I was a tweenage hopeless romantic with a crush on Shia LaBeouf. Of course I had to record the episode where Louis gets a girlfriend.
It opens with Louis and Tawny at lunch together being adorable, trading snacks and sides until each of their lunches are completely different from what they started with. When suddenly, Tawny ~gets something in her eye.~ The oldest cliché in the book! I love it. Louis gets reaaal close to Tawny and goes diggin’ for gold in her eye, eventually identifying the “thing” as a soy cookie crumb. That’s when some person bumps into Louis and thankfully Tawny’s lips are there to break his fall.
The two are in absolute stunned silence once they break apart. It was a magical moment, clearly, as you can see. Ren interrupts their mutual daze by walking over with Zack Estrada and Tom in tow, reminding Tawny that she has a fitting for the school play. This does a hard cut to Louis’ room after school that day. Twitty dramatically spits out his drink when he hears the news: “DUDE! THIS IS HUGE YOU KISSED TAWNY?!?!”
I’ve mentioned before that Even Stevens comes across as more of a ~bro show~ in comparison to the majority of Disney Channel shows which typically follow a teen girl as the lead. This is why I love rare moments like this scene between Louis and Twitty. Two guy best friends freaking out about one of them kissing a girl for the first time. I feel like we never see this on Disney Channel anymore. It feels so real and genuine too, especially for these characters. Louis isn’t entirely sure if it counts as a kiss though, so Twitty demands to get the facts straight. (“Kissing is like basketball, either the ball went in the hoop or it didn’t!”) He asks Louis how long he kissed her for and Louis guesses it was a “one-Mississippi” length. Twitty rejoices.
“SWISH, DUDE! You kissed her!”
Louis is elated. Both of them agree that Louis + Tawny = Beautiful. (Can’t argue there!) So much so, that Louis starts to skip around with happiness. One of my favorite parts of the whole episode is here, when Louis takes a moment to think about how Tawny might be feeling. He has a mental breakdown when he realizes “Wait, whoa. There she was... Eating her lunch... and I, like... JUMPED on her! For all I know, Tawny’s disgusted by me!” Louis Stevens is the kind of guy we all deserve. I know it’s such a small thing, but it’s something that has aged amazingly. This line stood out like a sore thumb to me given today’s political climate and the Me Too era. I’ve said a million times that this show has aged super gracefully because it really has. It’s not entirely perfect though. No show is without its blemishes. There are some things we haven’t made it to yet in the countdown that have definitely not aged very well, but we’ll get to that later. Let’s just say, this one little line shows that Louis has grown exponentially as not only a character, but a guy in general, and sets a good example. Twitty vows to go on a “fact-finding mission” for Louis to figure out how Tawny feels about the situation.
Tawny is still back at school rehearsing for the play which was written by... you guessed it! REN STEVENS! This woman does everything. How does anyone else even have a job at LJH? Ren is in charge of everything ever. Ren’s brilliant and totally not boring play is about Abigail Adams, played by Tawny, and her relationship with John Adams, played by none other than Zack Estrada! Knowing these characters and their history, it’s clear that Zack is still into Tawny to some degree. Coach Tugnut is there because they apparently pay him $92 to be the theater advisor. I love how specific that amount is, lol. He has no problem telling Ren that her play is a pile of trash and needs to be spiced up if she wants to sell any tickets.
I love how Tom is playing the “lowly manservant.” He’s ridiculously dedicated to staying in character at all times throughout the episode. Tom’s the best. Tawny’s pattern mixing though. A plaid dress with red and black striped tights and Docs? She was so ~alternative.~ I love it.
Zack is trying to ask Tawny out for a root beer when Twitty crashes the rehearsal and not so subtly tries to ask Tawny about the kiss, skirting around the issue by nervously asking stupid questions instead like “where are your parents from originally?” But of course, Tawny is freaking awesome and has no time for anyone's bs as usual. She literally says “I’m gonna stop you. Because eventually, you’re going to ask me about the kiss Louis gave me today at lunch. If he wants to talk to me about it, he can talk to me without your help. Tell him to meet me at his locker 10 minutes before first period,” YAAAASSSSSS! TAWNY IS NO NONSENSE AND ONE OF THE GREATEST FEMALE CHARACTERS ON DISNEY. Praise.
The next morning Louis is waiting for Tawny at his locker and you’ve undoubtedly seen this screenshot of when he notices her walking his way:
Smooth. For whatever reason this is one of the main images that comes up as a “Louis Stevens” search result, therefore nearly every single nostalgia article uses it. It’s kind of annoying.
Louis and Tawny have a preciously awkward conversation, talking about how they both couldn’t sleep because they were up thinking about what happened. They’re also sort of skirting around the issue until Tawny puts her foot down once again: “Look, Louis, I like you. I always have. Since the first day I met you.” I am melting. Louis is so freaking happy and says “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?! WE COULD’A BEEN KISSIN’ UP A STORM!!!” Oh, wow. They immediately start dating and I’m a puddle of goo. Also, this happens. Which... yeah, lol. 95k notes. Wow.
The first gif tho. Louis when Tawny was saying “I like you.” HOW GENUINE IS THAT FACE?! Shia won an Emmy for this so there is justice in the world. But yeah. They are so pure. :’)
This leads into a montage that spans possibly 3 days or so, showing us Louis and Tawny interacting as a couple. I hate that this is all we get. They should’ve stretched this montage into 3 episodes instead tbh. I live for this crap.
“Hey, babe. Want some celery?”
“Only 15 more hours ‘til I see you!”
"Thanks for walking me to rehearsal.” “Oh, anything for my beautiful lady.”
QUALITY CONTENT. Also, gotta love how polite Louis is being by wearing that hideous sweater Tawny knit for him.
I love this episode because we get to see actual ~Boyfriend Louis~ for the first and pretty much only time, and man is it something. Once again this show nails the awkwardness of Junior High relationships. It’s so intense when you’re 14, right?! There’s no such thing as casually dating. You have to be all in, 24/7. It takes over your life because you’re not really equipped to mentally handle a serious relationship at 14. This is why I never get tired of watching TV teen relationships. They’re always endlessly entertaining to me.
After watching a cheesy 1940s “Casablanca” knock-off romance movie with the fam, Ren realizes the “spice” her play needs is the passion of two people in love. She rewrites the play to make it more exciting and even adds in a passionate kiss between Abigail and John... a.k.a. Zack and Tawny... for the big finale. UH-OH! We’re introduced to Donnie’s little subplot there because Steve, Eileen, and even Beans -- bawled their eyes out at the movie but all Donnie could do was burp after stuffing his face through the whole thing. He starts to question “what’s wrong with me?!” because he felt no emotion whatsoever.
Ren announces the script changes at the rehearsal Louis walked Tawny to a few screenshots above. Coach Tugnut observes Louis and Tawny’s obvious couple-y vibe and tells Louis “First girlfriend? Get ready for a lifetime of pain.” Oh, god. That’s the last thing you should tell Louis Stevens. He starts freaking out and it only gets worse when he hears Ren tell everyone about the addition of the big kiss and Zack cheers “YEEEEEAHHHH!!!!!! *transitions into a cough to cover his excitement*” Because as I mentioned, it’s clear that he’s still into Tawny. I feel like if it was anyone other than Zack, Louis might be okay with the kiss. There’s just something about this guy that he absolutely cannot deal with. We first saw Louis' jealousy over Zack and Tawny way back in Season 1 with "Easy Way" and then "Strictly Ballroom." We also see Louis become super jealous over Twitty's friendship with Zack towards the end of the series. Also... I swear, I did not plan for 3 out of 4 episodes in The Zack Estrada Saga to end up in the Top 10 and be counted down in serial order. Pretty cool that it worked out that way though, haha.
Louis feels that Ren’s rewrite is “too predictable” so he decides to write his own ending for the play and presents it to Ren at home that night. He envisions the story concluding with Abigail running to her husband and giving him a haircut. HAHAHA! Anything but a kiss! “I’ve never seen it before!” he says. Welp, he’s definitely right about his idea being unpredictable! lol. Imagine?! Of course, Ren can tell that Louis is actually just freaking out about Zack kissing Tawny and Louis is like “Are you trying to embarrass me in front of the whole school?!” -- But, would it really be that bad though? Would people taunt him like “lol ur girlfriend kissed another guy” or something? Because, like... It’s just a play. But then again, it is middle school. So.
Louis is super down about the whole thing and Tawny finds him sulking on a bench the next day. She’s all “Hey, Cutie Pants! I’ve been looking all over for you!” -- ‘Cutie Pants’ is a little too far, lol. She brought Louis her “Tater Slabs,” which he declines. Side note: Are those supposed to be a form of Tater Tots? Because I feel like Disney Channel has a million different names for Tater Tots. They call them Tater Slabs here. These days, they’re calling them Baby Taters on Andi Mack. It’s just a constant reminder that “Tater Tots” is a registered trademark that Disney can’t say without coughing up the cash, lol.
Tawny asks Louis if something’s the matter and he’s like “I think you should quit the play” and pulls a bunch of bogus excuses out of his butt as for why. Tawny being Tawny cuts right to the chase: “Does this have anything to do with me kissing Zack?” I love this bit. She reassures him that all they’re doing is acting, it’s not real -- and there’s only one person she really wants to kiss. She asks Louis to promise he’ll be okay with it and Louis’ response of “Alright. I promise,” is the softest, most sincere thing I’ve ever heard this character say. It warms my heart every time. Tawny heads off to rehearsal and Louis is feeling prett-ay swaggy knowing he’s ~the only man in Tawny’s life~
I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS. I also never knew what he was saying here, but I think I just realized he’s mouthing to himself “I’m the only one she really wants to kiss”
Louis was just accepting the fact that it’s ONLY ACTING until he sees the newly unveiled poster for the play that features a cozy picture from dress rehearsal.
CUT TO THE PLAY! It starts with a bit where Tawny/Abigail calls Tom’s character Renee “a loyal and faithful manservant.” Tom originally had a speech, but Ren cut it in her rewrite. So he milks his time on stage by saying “Thank you, thank you, thank you” repeatedly to Abigail. It’s great. Tawny and Zack are up there acting really well together! Louis’ whole family is whispering about how great their chemistry is and Louis is quaking.
One of John’s lines in the play is that he will think of Abigail “on two occasions... when my eyes are open, and when they are closed,” -- Is that a Babyface reference?! HAHA. Louis can’t take it anymore so he goes running backstage and I’m not sure what he was planning to do, but he ends up going completely insane. He somehow managed to steal Tom’s costume right off his back and goes running on stage demanding for John to leave before kissing his wife goodbye. It’s so cringeworthy. I can’t help but laugh though when Louis says “You must come with me at once! You gotta send her a postcard, email, or something! We gotta miss rush-hour traffic!” LOL.
Ren: “How did Louis get your clothes?!”
Tom: “He can be very persuasive...”
What could Louis possibly have said to get Tom to strip?! Omg.
Tom goes running on stage like ^ that in an attempt to save the play somehow and says “Excuse the undergarments, m’lady! I was under the cherry tree napping!” which was always one of my mom’s favorite lines, haha. Tom tries to drag Louis off stage but the entire play officially goes down in flames when Louis starts fighting Tom off of him. He goes rollin’ all over the stage, knocking down everything in his path -- completely ruining the set. It’s funny, but I also feel so bad for Tawny. Ugh.
After Louis destroys the whole shebang, he tries to play it off by doing this... which is truly hilarious:
Louis meets up with Tawny outside after the play and the two have such a dramatic conversation. I love it. Louis apologizes: “You gotta understand... I tried to be mature and cool. And the next thing I know, I’m up on stage wearing Tom’s pants! I’m really sorry.” It’s way more sincere than it sounds. Louis decides that he’s not ready for a relationship. This is actually such great character development for him. Interestingly, he’s mature enough to realize he’s NOT mature enough to seriously date someone. As upsetting and frustrating as it is to see the two break up, it’s also really satisfying to see him own up to his immaturity. This creates a true arc for when they finally get together in the series finale. It feels earned. Like they’re actually ready that time around. They decide to go back to being just friends for the time being. Before they part ways, however, Louis decides to leave Tawny with a super suave kiss?! What the heck?!
This was the biggest kiss of my entire childhood between two TV characters aside from Lizzie and Gordo at the end of The Lizzie McGuire Movie tbh. Everyone was expecting that Lizzie/Gordo kiss though. THIS one was outta left field here! This is so weird to me! He’s super smooth with Beans’ cousin later on and here he’s kissin’ Tawny like a pro. Idk, man.
The episode ends with Donnie finally crying over that Babyface lyric: “When his eyes are open, and when his eyes are closed......... THAT’S ALL THE TIME!”
And that’s it!
Gaaad, this episode is a classic. Like I said, it was a pretty big deal for 10 year old me, let me tell ya! I feel like it’s definitely one of the most memorable episodes ever. Not to mention, it technically has 3 plots (Louis/Tawny, Ren writing the play, and Donnie) and ALL OF THEM ARE INTERTWINED FLAWLESSLY! I gotta commend that. The only department I’d say this episode is lacking in is quotable dialogue. But that’s it really! It checks every box for me otherwise! This episode and the finale probably had a lot to do with Season 3 being my favorite as a kid, haha.
What are your thoughts on this wonderful season opener?! Please add to the conversation via Disqus belowwww!
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Juliet’s Story: A Mistress’s Gift
Mun!Yuki: It is now April 20th for me! :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JULIET!!!! I’m honestly happy with how this story turned out. Because while Leon’s story was more of his optimism, This is mostly in-depth of Juliet’s character where I even explored writing different sides of her; Sides that she doesn’t even show to others except for Leon. This is now my chance to show more of Juliet’s character, and how this affects Juliet as she grew up; Unlike Hisoka, Juliet was born and raised with a normal childhood, without having to bear the responsibilities of being an heiress to the Kuroi family. PLUS THIS WAS LITERALLY 16 PAGES LONG! XD I’M HONESTLY PROUD OF THIS!
I hope you all enjoy! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SADISTIC MISTRESS!!!!!! XD
WARNING: THIS HAS SENSITIVE TOPICS SUCH AS BULLYING, STRONG LANGUAGE/SWEARING, VIOLENCE, AND ANGST!!!!
“Here you go, Jules!”
Juliet reached for her order from the Takoyaki stand. “Thanks, Kirishima.” She gave the man, Kirishima, the payment before enjoying her Takoyaki. “Anything for a regular! How’s your folks?” Kirishima asked. “They’re doing fine; Leon is in the process of recovering this year’s Prank.” Juliet replied as she continued to eat her Takoyaki. “Man, I heard about that; I feel bad for the guy, he’s such a good kid.” Juliet simply agreed, “Yup.”
Then there came the question.
“Hey, I don’t mean to get personal when I ask this, but isn’t your birthday coming soon?” The owner asked. “Yeah, on the 20th; About four days before my father’s.” Juliet stopped eating her Takoyaki as she sensed this conversation might become important.
“What do you wanna get for you birthday?”
Juliet looked at him questioningly. “Why do you ask?” She eyed suspiciously. “Because you’ve done so much for my family, not only have you come to our business so often as a regular, you also help babysitting the kids. Seriously, most babysitters would quit on the first day with them, but they really like you, and you even present yourself as a good example and actually take care of them.”
Juliet continued to eye him suspiciously, which made the man laugh. “I know, you rather cut your own tongue than to be assumed to be a softie; Don’t worry, I’m not assuming that considering the fact I know you and what you are capable of; But that still won’t stop my family and I from speaking fondly of you, unlike the others that think otherwise; You’re not a bad kid.”
Juliet’s blue orbs soften from the better understanding.
It’s true.
When she was 12 years old and was ordering a Takoyaki as a regular already, Juliet noticed the tension from the man, whom explained that a new babysitter quit last minute and they became worried as their children were rather wild. At the time Juliet needed money and something to do to get out of the house other than physical training and studying all day indoors, was already being homeschooled so there was no school rules applied to her about against having a job on the side, and had a lot of experience taking care of Leon growing up, so she offered to be their new babysitter. They were hesitant, but since they had no other choice, they accepted. After the first night, it was difficult at first, but Juliet ended up having them listen and do as she said. In the end, The Kirishima’s hired Juliet as their babysitter, resulting them to be good family friends, and now their children, for what ever reason, loved and admired her greatly; It was probably because Juliet refrained showing her sadistic traits and posed as the reliable big sister that she sincerely has been when pushing aside her playfulness, resembling her father when he took care of her uncles.
“So? Any ideas? It can be anything.”
Juliet looked up at him and sighed. “I haven’t thought about it, to be honest; When I do, I’ll tell you though.” The raven-haired sadist commented, “I have to get going. My brother will be getting out of school soon, and I want to walk with him so we can find a present for Father.”
“Hahaha! Well, I wish you both the best of luck! Your dad must be really lucky to have you guys as his kids! Not a lot of kids would go out of their way for their parents.”
Juliet nodded and waved goodbye silently with Takoyaki in her mouth, while Kirishima waved back with his usual jovial grin.
Some time past by once she made it to her brother’s school. School may have already ended but they were all probably in the middle of cleaning duty. Not wanting to let her Takoyaki go to waste, Juliet continued to eat it with a delighted look upon her face as she waited. God, there was nothing that tasted better than-
....
‘Huh...’
After swallowing one of the octopus balls, Juliet stared down at the remaining Takoyaki at it.
While it was true that Juliet normally didn’t like strong-flavored things, it was odd that that fact was contradicted by her love for Takoyaki...
When...?
When did she develop this love for this snack?
She remember being introduced to it by Uncle Ayato, but...
This was just a snack.
So...
“Why...?”
Suddenly, her mind wandered upon curiosity of that one question.
Yeah...
I remember...
It all started about nine years ago. I was about 6 years old. I was prepared to attend the first grade. Honestly... I didn’t like going to school without Leon by my side. But at that time, I was willing to wait a year to be able to walk beside him to school. Back then, I already knew I was a smart kid. And that isn’t something said out of arrogance. I knew because I noticed how different I was compared to the other kids.
“She got it right again?”
“She’s so weird. She doesn’t talk to anyone.”
“She‘s like a robot! She doesn’t even show any emotion! I bet if you throw something at her, her face will still be the same.”
Even the teachers there.
“She doesn’t socialize with anyone.”
“That brat is so disrespectful! She humiliated me in front of the entire class!”
“Yeah, That kid acts as if she knows it all. Why the hell was she even here?”
......
They were all so annoying...
All so ignorant...
It pissed me off seeing them act as if they knew me when they don’t...
Unlike them, I live in a world where Vampires do exist. I was born with the same blood as vampire hunters. My father was once a vampire before returning back into human. My uncles are still vampires. I lived in a different world from other kids. I was what they would call “different” in comparison to their general idea of “normal”. To their words, a “freak”.
This is why I hated ignorant people...
Just because I was different from them, they had the right to talk down to me...?
At that time, I thought I could handle it... because I wanted to get through it and wait for Leon when he attends school next...
But then.. a week after school started, a week before my birthday...
I snapped....
I was presented a flower by Leon. He wanted me to wear it to school because he thought I would look pretty with it.
And when I did wear it..
“What is with this flower?! It looks gross!”
The next thing I knew was that a group of boys caught me in a hold, forcibly grabbing the flower from behind my ear.
“What kind of idiot would just wear something this girly?!! Was it that sissy brother of yours that gave you something like that?!!!”
One of the boys scoffed and threw the flower on the ground... and stomped on it repeatedly with a smirk on his face...
Everything went black at that point...
The next thing I remember was...
A distorted classroom...
Horrified gasps from other children..
A chair within my grasp...
Hitting the boy’s body until it was bruised...
Yelling out the words “WHO’S LIVESTOCK?!!!!!” past my lips...
And whimpering from the bruised, trembling body beneath me, mumbling repeatedly, “I-I am..!”
At that time, I didn’t realize how much I really enjoyed the sight of this livestock on the ground being punished like that. How the bruises upon his trembling body were even turning purple. How his helpless whimpers and cries were like music to my ears. It was fascinating at the time. Who knew it would create a spark within me that would awaken the sadist within me.
I was forced into the chairman’s office, with my parents in the room. While the chairman wanted to expel me, my parents knew I wouldn’t have done such a thing such as snapping if something wasn’t happening at school... Unless I was given a good reason for snapping the way I did...
They later learned it was because I was treated unfairly in the school, with the students bullying me and the teachers doing nothing but watch and snarl at me. They wanted the Chairman to do something about it, but he refused. Apparently, due to the injures I gave the boy, it should be our family that is count responsible even though it was that boy’s fault for pushing me into snapping like that. The chairman even refused to allow me to skip grades, despite my intelligence being higher than everyone else’s. Then, It lead to Mother and Father to taking me out of that damn school. While now I feel it was the best thing ever since that school was just the worst, back then I thought I have failed...
I felt like a failure. I let my emotions take control over me. Because of the fact that I was different...
Now Leon and I would never be able to walk together hand-in-hand to school.
All because I screwed up...
When we got home, I locked myself in my room. I didn’t even let Leon in, because I felt pathetic for failing....
On my bed, I held onto my cow plush that I’ve had since I was a baby...
Everything was quiet and dark...
I felt empty...
Like I didn’t care to continue living anymore....
I found myself ready to doze off, to forget about everything...
But then I heard a knock upon the door...
“Juliet.. open the door.”
I heard Father’s voice from the other side. And I felt fear.
Was he there to tell me how disappointed he was of me?
While it was true, I did do things father would disapprove of. But the last thing I wanted was to be a disappointment to him.
“I am aware that you are awake; So just open the door. I would like to speak to you.”
Feeling hesitant, I slowly got out of bed and slowly opened the door, coming face-to-face with Father.
“Let’s go.” He said, making me tilt my head and stand still. “Where?” I question. “We are just going for a walk; Get your coat, Juliet; You don't want to worry your mother, do you?” Father advised. I shook my head and immediately did as he said.
Next thing I remember, we were walking together hand-in-hand, on a busy street. We didn’t say anything. We just continued to walk. I didn’t want to say anything, in fear of the possibility of doing something he would disapprove of as a disappointment.
I could only look down.
That was when I smelt something delicious.
I turned my head to a Takoyaki stand, and felt my stomach rumble. My father must’ve noticed it by how loud the rumbling was. “Hungry...” I mumbled as I pressed my hand onto my tummy. I remember myself stubbornly refusing to leave my room, even when it was lunch and dinner.
My father sighed, but he silently took me to the Takoyaki stand. “Two please.” He ordered. I could only watch in confusion. If there was anything I knew, My father hated strong-flavored foods. This also includes Takoyaki, right? So why...
“Here, Juliet.”
I was brought back to my senses when my father handed Takoyaki to me. Hesitantly, I took it and thanked him before we could go sit somewhere quiet to eat. Once we did, I gave my thanks before eating it. I couldn’t help but savor the texture of it. It was heavenly. I remember being introduced to it by Uncle Ayato when Leon and I were being babysat by Aunt Yui and him. I remember taking a bite of it at that time and the wonderful taste of it, but I forced myself to forget it once we returned home. I didn’t even realize I was already finishing mine and that I was now eating the one Father silently placed on my lap above mine.
“It is quite surprising; You usually don’t enjoy strong-flavored food.” I heard Father comment. Swallowing my food, I reply, “Because it’s different from the rest.”
....
Different from the rest...
Remembering the incident at school and swallowing the last one, I couldn’t help but frown...
I couldn’t believe something like Takoyaki was able to make me forget...
“I want to know why you didn’t tell us.”
I turned to my father in surprise, “What do you mean?” I couldn’t help but question. “What do I mean? If you were having a hard time at school, then why didn’t you come to me or your mother? Even Leon never knew about this. I want to know why you kept this secret from us.” Father answered.
The tone of his voice...
It sounded scary...
Normally, I would be able to handle it.
But this time...
“I-I... I...”
I could only look down...
I felt my eyes being clouded with tears...
Word could barely leave my lips...
My voice started to crack...
“... I didn’t want you.. to see me as a disappointment...”
“What?” I could sense my father’s surprise. I couldn’t blame him. I was a strong kid. I was fearless. I was able to withstand my father’s anger. I never let words affect me that much.
I continued.
“They.. they tried to put me down... If I did.. tell you and Mother... I would’ve felt like a.. f-failure... I wouldn’t be a-able to walk t-together with Leon when h-he goes to school next... I-I-I tried to... n-not l-let it.. a-affect me... b-but...”
At that point, I couldn’t do it...
So instead...
For the first time since I was born...
I, Mukami Juliet, the Mistress of Sadism, the definition of a “Bad Girl”, the rebellious child, and the most dominant sadist you could ever meet...
“UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Cried...
They were tears of agony...
Tears filled with shame...
I felt utterly disgusted with myself...
My choices lead causing burdens...
Why was I like this...?
It’s not like I hated myself....
And I love my family....
But....
Just why?
Why was I different from the other kids?
Why did they have to be so fucking ignorant?
Why did I have to be the one in the wrong?
Why was I the only one different?!
I remember all of the emotions rushing through me at once, as soon as I started to wail.
Fear, sadness, anger, regret, shame...
It was all like a typhoon.
All of the tears bottled up within me were released. I couldn’t stop them, no matter how much I tried to stop them with my sleeves.
I’m sure it was quite the rare sight for anyone...
Even for Father—
Wait...
During the middle of my wailing, I felt myself in warm, strong arms.
They were.. my father’s...
“You may have done things that I highly disapprove of...“
I tried to catch my breath, to try and reply back...
But his next words lead me to even more tears...
“However, you are still my daughter regardless.. Both yourself and your brother are always going to be offsprings created from the forbidden fruit that your mother and I shared...”
Even at that age, I knew what he meant about the forbidden fruit that he and mother shared.
It was their love. The forbidden love they shared back then between a vampire and a huntress. Mortal enemies that eventually turned into star-crossed lovers. Their love that was strictly prohibited, much like the love from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, the story Mother has always loved since her childhood. Irresistible yet sinful. Much like the forbidden fruit Adam and Eve ate.
‘Thank god...’
This time... all of my tears were of relief.
I can’t remember how long it has been since I’ve started crying...
It felt like a very long time...
I believe I passed out from crying too much afterwards.. and that Father carried me back home... because I couldn’t remember what happened next...
On the day of my birthday, it was like before I even went to school. Everything was normal. Leon and Mother were both relieved when I left my room for the first time in a while. My Uncles came, along with Aunt Yui, to celebrate my birthday.
And for the first time in a while, I felt happy.
Uncle Kou got me a new dress, Uncle Yuma got me a set for dumbbells perfectly suited for me as a kid, and Uncle Azusa got me a stuffed bunny. Apparently, Uncle Kou and Uncle Yuma helped pick something out for Uncle Azusa. Back then, I didn’t know why; But now that I know better, it was probably for the best. Aunt Yui got me a journal to write in. And I was received another gift from our other uncle, Mother’s adoptive brother, which was a punching bag. Ever since the incident, My Uncles and Aunt Yui got worried about me. Uncle Yuma was the most furious, but luckily I was able to get him to calm down after I told him what happened next.
It was a fun birthday. But the most special moment for me was at the near end. When it was just Mother, Father, and Leon.
“Our turn!” My mother announced happily as she brought more presents. I could only tilt my head in confusion. “Mother, why didn’t you do this while we were opening presents already?” I questioned. “You’ll see.” Mother smiled before turning to Leon. “Leon, do you want Juliet to open your present first?” Which in response, he nodded and smiled innocently.
Leon’s present? At that time, I was confused. What were they planning? Leon, with the help of Father, carried his present to me, and began to watch me with glee. Now curious, I carefully opened the present and opened the now unwrapped box. I find it to be a small picture frame decorated with the same flower he gave to me the week prior. I look to Leon and gave him a hug. He wanted to give it to me for when I have a memory I want to always treasure. “Thank you, Leon.” I mumbled. “Your welcome, Sis!” He grinned.
I broke the hug to see what my mother had in hand. “This is mine, sweetheart.” She smiled gently. I nodded and gave my thanks to her before unwrapping it. Once I did, I saw it to be a familiar dagger. We all look to Mother, who looked at me with a serious expression.
“I know you are still too young and you don’t have to take the road my family prior did; However, I inherited this dagger when I was your age. It was your grandfather’s. He used it against bad Vampires to protect the people he loved until his last breath. It was the same reason why I choose to inherit it, and it later became the difficult path that lead me to meet your father.” She spoke giving Father a quick glance before looking back to me as I listened carefully, “Ever since I gave up being a huntress, I never used it in years, because the fight was already over; But I still keep it as a memento of your grandfather, to remember what I fought and risked my life for. So I am giving it to you, for the same reason: To remember what you fought for and to protect the ones you love.”
I look to Leon, who looked back at me. Even though we were children at that time, we both knew we wanted to protect each other. Even willing to fight for each other. From her words, I can only guess that Mother must’ve known how I was feeling when I was locked in my room. That She must’ve went through the same thing too. “Now I’m not giving it to you to use it against those who have hurt you like that school did. I’m giving it to you so you can look at it and remember what you have done.” Mother wrapped her arms around me and held me close in a warm embrace. I could tell she was speaking from experience. “You’ve made some reckless and bad decisions, but you didn’t give in to their bullying. You had enough the moment they did something you couldn’t forgive; And although you should’ve told us what was going on so we could’ve handled it calmly, there was no mistake that getting you out of that school was the right thing to do.”
I shook my head, “They were all ignorant livestock, Mother.” I spoke. Back then, I felt nothing but pity for the people back at that school. But now I know better, they weren’t worthy of my pity. They were all livestock anyways. Mother sighed at my choice of words, but I could’ve sworn at that time my father smirked slightly as if he was proud. Meh. Could’ve been my imagination. “Thank you, Mother.” I hugged back as tightly as I could, after placing the dagger away.
After a moment, Mother released me from the embrace and gave me a light kiss upon my head, before we all turned to Father. For some reason, his present was smaller than Mother’s and Leon’s; However, that made them both smile the widest.
Once he placed the present in front of me, I carefully opened his. It was a small box. And once I opened it...
I gasped.
“Father...”
Inside the box were...
A pair of light pink barrettes...
I look up to him with wide eyes.
I was met with a smile.
“Happy Birthday, Juliet.”
I was frozen. But he opened the barrettes and helped me place them in my hair. “Look.” Father pointed behind me, with Mother holding up a small mirror to show me my own reflection. “They look really nice on Sis!” Leon commented.
He was right. It was strange, but I really did look better with them rather than a flower. It was like as if they were made for me.
It... suited me...
Within that moment, I felt tears swelling up from the corners of my eyes and looked to my father once again.
And within an instant, I leaned into my father’s arms, hugging him tightly around his neck, and cried.
Since then, I haven’t exactly cried.
Mother and Father decided to have me be homeschooled; But since they both work and can’t offered to let me or Leon alone with someone we don’t know, Aunt Yui offered to take care of both of us and be my homeschool teacher. From what Mother told me, Aunt Yui was an excellent student who took studying very seriously, and even had a higher grade than even the most sophisticated Sakamaki brother, Sakamaki Reiji. With that said, Aunt Yui became my new teacher. Surprisingly, Mother was right. I was able to learn some new things from her as my teacher.
Even better, for breaks, Aunt Yui made me Takoyaki upon my request. It was delicious.
During those breaks, Aunt Yui confirmed my suspicions when she told me how Mother also went through something similar that I did regarding the school incident. When she was younger, Mother got suspended for beating up a group of girls that were bullying Aunt Yui. But Aunt Yui never knew about Mother’s life behind the scenes as a huntress, because Mother didn’t want to get her involved; Otherwise, Mother would feel like she has let Grandmother and Grandfather down for not being able to protect someone dear to her. Like when she wasn’t able to save them. Mother never even cried since the massacre until she was told it was okay for her to cry out all of her emotions she hid during her hellish training and since then. I can't even imagine my own mother being hostile or aggressive like that. Or suffering horribly and trying to hold it in like that. That must’ve been hard for her, having to carry a heavy burden.
And from what I learned from Uncle Kou, Uncle Yuma, and Uncle Azusa, Father was also the type of person to carry heavy burdens too. No matter how stressful it was, being the leader and the eldest, He often tends to stand on his own, and has even pushed Mother away when she first tried to help. Even he had his own problems that he was struggling with that he hid from them. From what I was told, It made sense why he tried to keep it all in. It must’ve been difficult. Being the eldest and the leader that takes care of the younger siblings, desperately wanting to fulfill the debt of someone for saving your life even when the goal was impossible for you to complete yourself, finding out and eventually try to hide an ugly truth about the one that saved you, Et cetera... Just thinking about all of the things Father had to deal with just made me think if it was with Leon, I would’ve done the same thing no matter how bad it would be for me.
So I was similar to them:
We both didn’t want to be appear as a failure.
We bottle up our feelings to avoid showing any sign of weakness.
We are willing to do something risky if the one we care for are involved.
We stubbornly push others away to stand on our own.
We don’t want the people we care about dearly to getting hurt.
....
Now that I think about it...
Were...
Were Mother and Father trying to save me from committing the same mistake they made?
To hold back emotions and turn it all into stress?
... They didn’t want me to become like them in the past.
They.. really did care for me.
They did love me...
I was really their kid...
And for that, I’m forever grateful...
“Sis!”
Juliet looks up, and sees a familiar blond with a grin on his face. The grin slowly disappeared and was replaced with a concerned look upon seeing the Takoyaki still left unfinished. “Hey, are you okay? You didn’t finish your takoyaki.. And that’s saying something.” Leon questioned, worriedly.
Juliet looked down and saw she has not finished her delicious snack. Picking up one of the balls, The raven-haired girl silently gave it to her brother. “Here.” She offered; However, Leon continued to look at his sister with a concern look. “A-Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked again. “I’m fine; Just hurry up and take it.” Juliet eventually got tired and shoved the octopus ball in Leon’s mouth, catching him off-guard, “What are the chances you will ever get an offer like this from me again? Honestly.”
While her expression remained as stoic as it always was, Leon can tell that there was a glint in his sister’s eyes that told him to not push the subject further; With that said, Leon decided to drop it and just eat the takoyaki.
After that, they started to walk together the shopping area to search for a gift for their father. “Hey Sis.” Leon broke the silence between them. “What is it?” Juliet heard footsteps stop behind her, making her stop and turn to see a serious look upon her little brother’s face.
“... What do you want for you birthday?”
Such a question caught Juliet slightly off-guard. ‘What’s with this question today?’ She thought to herself. “Leon, you should know be better than anyone else in the world; Why would you even ask something stupid like that?” The raven-haired girl raised an eyebrow to show her confusion. They grew up together and know everything about each other. They could even understand what the other is thinking and even turn that into a game.
“I know but.. you don’t ask for anything, Sis.” Leon tried to explain, “You try not to make your birthday a big deal; It’s your birthday, the day you were born! There’s gotta at least be something you want!”
‘Something I want...?’
While it is true that Juliet doesn’t make her birthday a big deal or have anything in mind for a gift, was there really something that she herself wanted?
...
‘Ah... That’s right...’
“Leon, when it’s your birthday coming up and when you are asked the same question, your response was that there isn’t anything you want in particular either.” Juliet retorted. “I-I..” Leon stuttered, caught off-guard by the question. “Why is that?” The raven-haired girl question. Leon‘s tongue was tied for a moment until he looked down and responded shyly, blushing. “It’s because.. the best gift I could ever ask for.. is our family, our friends.. a-and our loved ones...”
There was a silence until Juliet spoke, as it was her turn to break the silence.
“Then you should know already.”
Leon looked up in surprise. His sister looked back at him with a rare smile. A smile that was only reserved to those who she deemed worthy.
“We’re siblings. We grew up together. You should know that if that is why you don’t ask for anything else, it’s not just your reason; It’s mine also.” Juliet responded, revealing the kind side of her that is extremely rare to see, “Do you understand now?”
Enchanted by the rare smile and the rare kind side of his sister, Leon nodded. Out of everyone in the world, it has always been the blonde that has seen this side of his sister the most. That’s why, despite her bullying him and her sadism, Leon knows that there is a good person underneath it all. It’s just his sister rather be known as a monster to others. Only those who work to become worthy enough to Juliet can be rewarded to see what’s underneath the layers of the sadistic mistress.
“Now hurry up, let’s go.” Juliet immediately dropped the smile and returned back to being stoic, “Or else, I’m going to leave you and go on ahead myself.”
Leon couldn’t help but grin before quickly walking next to his sister’s side. That’s his Sis, alright! The one he knows and loves! Juliet took notice of his grin.
“Why are you grinning like that?”
“Because I love you, Sis.”
“You’re creepy.”
“But you love me anyways, right?”
“Do you have a deathwish?”
“Eh? N-N-No, Sis-“
“Come again?”
“Ma’am! I mean, N-No Ma’am!”
“That’s better.”
There was no need for a birthday gift...
Objects are replaceable...
As long as you have a family that care for you...
Friends that accept you...
Just at least someone that loves you for who you are...
There was no need for anything else in the world...
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He flew to Paris to surprise his girlfriend. She flew to Edinburgh to surprise him (CNN) — When Finlay McAfee boarded a flight from Edinburgh to Paris to surprise his girlfriend Salma, he knew it was a big, romantic gesture. “I wasn’t like trying to compare it to any film, or rom-com, or anything,” McAfee tells CNN Travel. But still, anyone who’s watched a few movies in their time knows that a surprise visit to one of the most beautiful cities in the world, not to mention an unexpected airport reunion, has been the basis for many a great cinematic moment. It was January 2017, and McAfee was a 23-year-old student at Edinburgh University. Before he booked his plane ticket, he told his roommate, Adam Jenkins, about the idea. Jenkins laughed, telling him it was silly but romantic. McAfee phoned his father for the final seal of approval. His dad told him it was a great idea, so McAfee went for it: the plane ticket was booked. Meanwhile, his girlfriend, then-21-year-old Salma Saade, was on her way back to Edinburgh from Beirut. Saade had a day layover scheduled in Paris, and she was traveling alone. McAfee figured he’d surprise her at Charles de Gaulle airport. In theory, what could go wrong? There weren’t that many flights between Beirut and Paris, so McAfee was pretty sure he’d pinpointed which Saade was on. Little did McAfee know that just as he boarded his Edinburgh to Paris flight, Saade was already landing in the Scottish capital. Turns out, she’d switched to an earlier flight, with the same goal: to surprise her partner and be reunited a day earlier. The couple had no idea that they’d both been transiting through Edinburgh Airport at the same time. Even worse, the Scottish air hub is so small, they could have easily bumped into one another. And if Saade had texted McAfee right away upon landing, he could have avoided getting on his flight. “It’s crazy to think about, there’s probably a point in Edinburgh Airport where we literally walked past each other,” says McAfee. Missed connection Fast forward to January 2021 and Saade and McAfee are still together, now living in London where McAfee is a software engineer and Saade works for the Scottish National Party. Today, they’re on Zoom, drinking coffee together in their kitchen, reminiscing about the early days of their relationship and their missed connection. “We’d only been going out for three months,” says McAfee. “Yeah, like two and a half months,” says Saade. “It was our first time apart.” “We really missed each other,” says McAfee. “Your first time apart is so difficult,” agrees Saade. When Saade disembarked her flight in Edinburgh, she decided not to contact McAfee right away. She was tired from the flight — and she wanted to go home first, shower, get ready — and then head round to his flat (apartment) and surprise him. “I was ready to be back with my boyfriend… and then I realized we were not in the same place,” she laughs. Saade found out things had gone wrong when, back in her apartment, she dropped McAfee’s roommate a text. “Hey Adam do you know if Finlay’s in the flat by any chance?” she wrote. “I’m back a day early and wanting to surprise him.” “He just flew to Paris,” wrote back Adam. “Like to do the same thing. Like literally.” Saade was in disbelief. “I genuinely thought he was messing with me.” She quickly texted her boyfriend: “Please tell me you’re not in Paris lol.” No answer, so she tried to call him. When McAfee didn’t pick up, the realization of what had happened started to sink in. “It was a combination of disbelief, and I don’t know, I was upset, but I also thought it was really funny,” says Saade. “COME BACK I AM HERE,” she typed. “HERE AS IN EDINBURGH NOT PARIS.” “I’M SORRY I WAS TRYING TO BE CUTE. COME BACK NOW.” “Hahaha,” responded McAfee, also in disbelief that his surprise had failed so dramatically. “Wow. I’m in Paris.” Saade booked McAfee an airport hotel in Paris for the evening, while McAfee updated his Facebook status: “Anyone in Paris? I flew in to surprise Salma but she flew back to surprise me and now I’ve got 12 hours to kill.” It received 173 likes, and the comments came flooding in: “This situation is trophy-worthy,” wrote one friend. “Your love is killing the planet,” said another. No friends were in Paris, so McAfee had a solo winter wander around the sites, snapping a photo of himself in front of Notre Dame looking melancholy, and getting that prerequisite shot of the illuminated Eiffel Tower. The next day, he flew back in Edinburgh. Saade picked him up from the airport, her second visit in as many days. She was just really happy to see him, she says, and for everything to be back in control after things had gone unexpectedly haywire. “Icebreaker story” Alone in Paris, McAfee embarked on a solo sightseeing tour. Courtesy Finlay McAfee and Salma Saade As they’d only been dating a short while at the time, the couple hadn’t met each other’s families. In the years since, it’s become “a really great sort of icebreaker story,” says McAfee. “Anytime I’ve met Salma’s family, we tell the story and they’re like, ‘This guy’s just an idiot,'” he laughs. “We’re not a very impulsive couple,” says Saade. “Apart from this story, I think we have a very normal relationship. So I find it even funnier that both of us made a really impulsive decision when neither of us are particularly impulsive.” It solidified what they’d already started to suspect, that they had a good basis for a strong partnership, and they were falling love. Saade and McAfee had met in the fall of 2016 on Tinder, for both of them, it was their first ever Tinder date and it was a success. They quickly figured out they had a mutual friend in common. The friend had actually been in a student play that McAfee had directed, and Saade had gone to see the show, but their paths hadn’t directly crossed at the time. When they finally met, the duo quickly hit it off. They spent their days exploring their historic home city of Edinburgh together — their second date was a memorable visit to the city’s dungeons. Worldwide reaction While killing time alone in Paris, McAfee snapped this shot of the Eiffel Tower lit up at night. Courtesy Finlay McAfee and Salma Saade On January 12 of this year, Saade was reminded of the eventful trip to Paris via Facebook’s “Memories” function, where past posts from years earlier resurface on your timeline. The memory made Saade smile, as it always did, and she decided to Tweet about it. “I usually just Tweet about politics,” says Saade. But she thought this slightly more personal post might bring others a bit of joy, as it had her. “Happy 4 year anniversary to when I flew to Edinburgh to surprise Finlay and he flew to Paris to surprise me and this is why we don’t do surprises anymore,” she posted, alongside screenshots of their messages, and Finlay’s forlorn Facebook status. The Tweet has since had over 1 million likes and over 150,000 Retweets and Quote Tweets. Their story has gone viral, much to the couple’s surprise. “The whole Twitter response has been really surprising, and lovely,” says McAfee. “It’s weird that so many people have responded to it, and almost everything everyone has said has been genuinely lovely.” Saade says people have reached out to her from across the globe with sweet messages. “Although comparing us to Ross and Emily [from the TV show “Friends”] is not the best comparison,” she laughs. In the intervening years, Saade and McAfee have enjoyed other memorable vacations — ones where they both managed to be in the same place at the same time. Highlights include a snowy road trip through Iceland, and a visit to the stunning Baalbeck Roman ruins in Lebanon, where Saade has family. Right now, the couple are locked down together in their apartment in London. It’s been a little surreal, they say, to watch their story reverberate across the world while they’ve barely left their home. As for Paris, well, the couple have still never made it there together. They’d actually hoped to go last year, but the Covid-19 pandemic put a stop to those plans. But seeing their story spread across the globe, and spending the last week reflecting on that fateful day, has only made them more determined to one day make it to the City of Light together. Source link Orbem News #Edinburgh #Flew #girlfriend #Paris #Surprise
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Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Sunday 17th September, 2017.
No your eyes aren't deceiving you, this is an actual recap! It's been far too long! But this show was something special and it demanded such a post : )
If it wasn’t blatantly obvious to you by now, Albus is my favourite. He means so much to me and so naturally, I was super excited about this week. Why? Well for those of you who don't know, Tom Mackley was on as Albus and I never had the chance to catch his Albus when he was with the first cast so today was a long time coming. It genuinely felt like I was seeing the play for the first time and meeting another Albus was everything I wanted it to be and more. Mackley is so brilliant. He brings an energy that really captures your attention, no matter what role he’s in, and seeing him in a bigger role only confirmed how much of a star this boy is.
Alright, this is going to be 60% Mackley love, 30% Albus comparisons, and 10% Scorbus. Have fun, folks!
(Note: I wrote this a few days after seeing the show but then life got busy and I never got the chance to finish it. I’d rather not try and do that from memory two months later. So this isn’t complete but I thought some of you might be interested in it anyway. She says, like it’s not 3k+ words long. ‘Incomplete’... ha!)
Act One
I have to admit, I did that thing where I was too excited to focus so the first few scenes were a bit of a blur to me. I both love and hate when that happens :’) But it means my very first impression of Mackley’s Albus was overwhelmingly a positive one.
Although there was one thing that bothered me. I was pre-warned about this and I’m glad because it threw me. For some reason, Mackley used a different voice when he was eleven year old Albus. It was younger and squeaker and I can see what he was going for but he didn’t need it. He’s very physical with his acting so I would have picked up on him being younger through other means. For example, the “what is the rumour?” line. He raised his hand as he asked the question to Rose and Scorpius and it made me seem so very small and childlike. The way he was looking to his cousin in particular for answers like a child would a teacher in class. It was really sweet. Little actions like that worked better than the younger voice he never seemed able to maintain. Plus I’ve never seen anyone else do this and apparently he didn’t do it when he was on as Albus last year so I’m not sure where it came from now??? But obviously this is all coming from someone who knows his voice so it stood out to me as odd. I’m sure a first timer wouldn’t have been bothered by it.
EDIT: Apparently he’s no longer doing the voice. I’m glad. He already felt like the youngest young Albus I’d seen. His eleven year old was 100% believable already.
I loved how Albus hovered his hand over his wand and was shouting, “UP!”, repeatedly in an attempt to remove it from where it was stuck in the floor. The direct reference to his future failed flying lesson made sure we were all aware just how much Albus was struggling at school. Like we could forget but you know, it’s always nice to be kicked while you’re down with a severe case of the feels. Thanks Mackley.
You know that bit where Albus walks into his ‘room’ and he’s just lit by a single spotlight? (I mention it in every recap because it’s stunning and one of my favourite moments of the play. I honestly hold my breath and well up every single time. I have zero shame over my emotional investment in this character hahaha.) Mackley was super interesting in this. Well, to me anyway. So Theo walks forward and gets to the front of the stage and just sighs. His entire body just sags. It’s heartbreaking and breathtaking all at the same time. But Mackley put his hands in his unzipped hoodie pockets, then held his arms out away from his body so the hoodie was open, and then walked in a straight line across the stage to his bed. He kept his head down as he watched his feet, stepping one foot directly in front of the other. Like a child trying to walk along a crack in the pavement. It’s such a small and insignificant thing really, but I had an ‘oh there you are’ moment with it. You spend five hours with these characters but occasionally an actor will do something that makes everything else fade away. The character stops being a character and becomes so real it gives me goosebumps. (This isn’t sounding right. They are all superb actors and you fully lose yourself in the story/characters every single time you watch it. But sometimes it’s so much more than that. They do something different and you completely forget that acting is even a thing. That you’re even sat in a theatre at all. The moment you’re seeing simply becomes this real person in the real setting. That wasn’t Mackley performing on stage to me, it was Albus in his room trying to delay packing.) But anyway, it was the perfect combination of innocent child and bored teenager. With Theo’s Albus, you know he’s already not in the mood for this scene. He’s already 100% done and upset before whatever is about to happen, happens. Mackley’s Albus wasn’t like that at all. He was bored and interestingly much more responsive than Sam and Theo’s Albus is whenever his siblings came into his room. It was all kinds of fascinating to then to see how they both go from their different starting points to angrily shouting at Harry. I absolutely loved how angry Mackley took this argument though. It reminded me a lot of Sam’s Albus. I’d missed this level of raw anger. Theo has been taking his Albus angrier and angrier and the way he hits Harry with the blanket these days is one of my favourite things. But Mackley, despite seeming absolutely tiny next to Jamie, got right up in Harry’s face and held his own.
EDIT: Theo has since earned the title of ‘angriest Albus’ in this scene and it was well worth the wait. But I’ll write about this at some point because it does deserve to be acknowledged, explored, and celebrated. Yay!
During the quiz bit when Scorpius is sat down (or rather, Albus manhandles him and pushes him down), Albus was tapping on his knees and then went to full on holding onto his thighs. I mean, sure. Good. Carry on. Nothing to see here. Why am I even mentioning it???
Albus was rubbing Scorpius’s back as he spoke about his dislike of fish. I love it when Albus reacts like this here. Genuine concern. I’ve also missed writing these recaps so I could take this opportunity to once again ponder as to where his hatred of fish came from. I have theories, Samuel is apparently still thinking about it. (I like to think that’s not one of the weirdest questions about Scorpius he’s got at stage door but let’s face it, it’s probably high up there on the list.)
Act Two
Absolutely loved the ‘wizzo’ line. They did it as a sort of echo. (I was having Anthony ‘Hogwarts-warts-warts-warts’ flashbacks.) It was super fun to watch Mackley and Annabel interact by the way. You can tell they’ve been friends for a while now.
Albus and Scorpius had the nerdiest thumb/handshake thing. They held each others hand and then proceeded to play what looked like a thumb war. Dorks.
Albus said (or mouthed?) “that’s my uncle” when Lugo Bagman mentioned Charlie Weasley and that’s an A+ decision. This is why I love Mackley. He adds these things, these tiny almost inconsequential things, and yet they add even more depth to the character. Of course Albus is going to react to seeing these people. Albus loves his family and is very close with them. It must have been so weird (and cool) to see them younger.
What was great about the Jamie G and Mackley combination is that they both ate the chocolate in the hospital wing. I love this cast. They all seem to enjoy eating their props :’)
Act Three
Albus fell out of bed when Scorpius screamed his name to wake him up. Poor boy. He got back up and then literally flopped onto his bed and proceeded to lie there and recover from his ordeal. The fact that Scorpius wasn’t phased by this tells me it’s not out of the ordinary. Albus my dear boy, you need a nicer alarm clock.
The torture scene… alright, this is where I lost Albus. Briefly. One of my favourite things about Albus, one of his greatest traits, is his ability to use his pain to drive himself. It’s evident throughout the play and in particular, this scene. We see him crumble. Completely and utterly shatter. The pain and potential loss of Scorpius kills him quicker than an Avada Kedavra ever could. But he uses that pain to fight back. That’s what Albus does. He doesn’t give in. The boy is a Slytherin through and through, he’ll find a way to save Scorpius and stop Delphi on his own terms. So even though he’s breaking in this scene, what you’re really seeing his him going from strength to strength. But Mackley just… broke. He collapsed to the floor and cried and generally reacted how Sam and Theo have done, to be fair. But there was something about Mackley’s Albus that was too submissive to Delphi. I didn’t feel that strength from him that I expected. Instead of resisting Delphi in every which way, his Albus was on the floor and frantically nodding his head. He was as quick to say yes to Delphi as he was to say no. But Albus would never ever comply. He’d never see that as his only option. So his decision to nod here confused me. In hindsight, he was presumably playing along, hoping Delphi would believe him so that she would spare Scorpius anymore pain. But to me, it just didn’t feel like something Albus would do in that moment. Because agreeing to help Delphi isn’t going to stop her from hurting Scorpius. It’s only going to hurt more people. But then he doesn’t always seem to see the bigger picture when he’s controlled by his emotions... The only way I could make the whole thing work in my head is that Albus is simply acknowledging her request, rather than actually agreeing to it. I just can’t believe he would ever think he could successfully convince her. It had to be just a delaying tactic because they both know Scorpius is his weakness. He’d put himself in harms way before he lets anything happen to his best friend. I think his experience and his emotional state aren’t where they need to be for him to manipulate her back in that way either. Going off in another direction, it’s also interesting to compare this to how quickly Albus complies with his dad in the other timeline when he’s told to stay away from Scorpius. Because yes, he’s agreeing to something against his wishes but he’s doing it to save Scorpius and at a great pain to himself. Complying with Delphi isn’t going to save Scorpius. If anything, it’ll get him killed faster...
EDIT: I hear there’s been some mixed opinions on this. I haven’t read anyone else’s recaps (I rarely do until I’ve posted my own), but I find it super interesting how differently people seemed to have interpreted this. But hey, all our opinions and interpretations are valid. *Scorpius voice* If my adventures in this fandom have taught me anything, it’s taught me that.
Like I said, I never had the chance to write about act four (or finish act three properly) and it would be unfair to do so from memory now. Even though I have notes. So many notes. Mackley is the kind of actor who gives so much on stage that you can’t not write thousands of words about him. He’s that good, and if you’ve not seen the show then you’re probably not aware of that and it’s a crying shame. He’s a fluffy ball of energy and completely steals your attention whenever he’s on stage. Whether he’s playing Albus, or part of the ensemble and kissing pumpkins and telling the Beauxbatons ladies he loves them. Hell, even bringing on props ready for the next scene in the dark. You know it’s him. Nobody swishes their robes quite like Mackley. He’s electric on stage and you can tell he belongs up there. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the main seven but honestly, this show wouldn’t be what it is without the ensemble. It’s why he’s one understudy I would absolutely go out of my way to see again.
I’ll end this with some general observations and some random points I apparently felt the need to make a note of during the intervals. It’s a jumbled mess. Sorry : /
I feel like the ‘dry humour and Albus-y’ line was written for Mackley’s Albus because the dry comedic tone in his voice was spot on. He definitely takes it to a level Sam and Theo have never reached. There were lines in there that had the audience laughing that I’ve never heard an audience laugh at before and it warmed my heart. It felt like the audience were seeing what Scorpius sees in his best friend. He has his troubles yes, but underneath all his daddy issues and dwindling self esteem, he’s a kid with a big heart and enough sarcasm to fill the lake twice over. Scorpius loves that about him. Harry loves that about him. I love that about him. To hear an audience get that and react so positively to him, just as much as they do with Scorpius every single show, was beautiful. I feel blessed, and I have no shame in telling you it brought tears to my eyes in the theatre.
On the same note, Samuel is also brilliant at getting the audience to laugh so as you can imagine, these two together were a riot together. I’ve never seen two actors so thoroughly enjoy being on stage. They had so much fun up there, particularly in part two, and it shone through in their performance. It was genuinely a fun experience and one of the most enjoyable shows I’ve had the pleasure to watch.
For example, Albus doing a silly slow motion walk towards Scorpius in Godric’s Hollow as Scorpius explained his ‘plan’. It was one of those silly little things best friends unconsciously do around each other because they’re comfortable letting themselves be themselves in the others presence. It tells us how much time they do spend together. How close they are. How fun and silly Albus can actually be when he’s not dealing with stuff. Or at least when Scorpius is around to distract him from it all temporarily. But that’s what I love about their relationship. They’re each other’s escape and safety net and gravity. They really do need each other.
*whispers* Can we also talk about how his feet didn’t fully touch the ground when he’s sat on the edge of his bed? Or how he managed to curl up onto the pew without looking squished? I know I love to exaggerate how tiny Albus is when I write about him but Mackley made all of my dreams come true.
Ron’s jumper is so big on him that he started to flap his sleeves after he’d been turned back into himself again. It was adorable. It also gave me Albus and his hand-me-down clothes feels. That bit was a little more painful.
Act Four Scene Fourteen was all robe swishes and funny voices. It was mayhem to the nth degree. If every day is like that then I can see why Scorpius loves school so much.
It’s easy to see Scorpius as a follower, it’s something else to see Albus as a leader. Mackley definitely has that pull over Scorpius. Not to a point where they’re unbalanced, but he’s a whirlwind. A force impossible to stop once he’s got something in his head. You can see how/why Scorpius caves so easily. Especially since Albus seems totally unaware of it all... mostly. Scorpius has a choice, he just chooses Albus.
He walked into Godric’s Hollow with the string from his hoodie in his mouth while he kicked the snow. Another reason why he’s the most believable fourteen year old Albus I’ve seen too. It seemed to come so natural to him. While Theo has perfected Albus’s heart and headspace, Mackley has got his headstrong petulant teenager side down to a T. His stance, his faces, his tone... despite being the oldest to play Albus, he easily comes across as the youngest.
There was just something so down to earth and effortless about his Albus that I loved. I wish I could put it into words. He was so natural in his performance that it didn’t even seem like a performance, you know? I particularly loved the delivery of his lines. There was something about it that even made me love the words/lines that have always felt a little odd to me. I sat there and thought, ‘oh! so that’s how it’s suppose to sound.’ (I’m wondering whether it’s an accent thing? I have theories.)
I’m going to end this with a conversation I overheard during the interval. There were two middle aged ladies in front of me in the toilet queue talking about Albus. One of them stopped the other mid-gushing over how brilliant the ‘young lad’ playing Albus was to inform her he was in fact the understudy. She couldn’t believe it. She said she got the impression he’d been playing Albus for a year and not just for the week. This only spurred her on and she continued to talk about his brilliance, probably until Act Two started. Needless to say, I was beaming like a proud idiot. Spending the rest of the months food money on a ticket just to see him was definitely a good decision. I can say this now, two months later, having lived through weeks of basic cheap food :’)
#it's been so long since I wrote one of these that I actually feel nervous posting it#i'm just sorry I didn't get a chance to do it while this was still relevant#tom mackley#albus potter#albus severus potter#TCCleanne#cursed child play
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Annie Rereads Immortal Beloved by Cate Tiernan
Immortal Beloved Chapter 2
I have read this book mulitple times and the two that follow. The main character, Nas, and her journey of growth throughout the story is something that I admire. This tale of self-discovery, love, and healing is something that I haven’t found in many other books and I find that its a realistic take on the journey to change.
After some of the events I’ve witnessed, the Incy/cabbie/magick/neck night should seem like a party. I’ve raced away in the night, clinging to a horse’s mane, with a city behind me burned to the ground. I’ve seen bodies covered with the oozing sores of the bubonic plague, piled high in city streets like logs because there wasn’t enough people alive to bury them. I was in Paris on July 14, 1789. You never forget the sight of a human head on a pike.
But we aren’t at war now. We were living an ordinary life, or as ordinary a life as an Immortal can have.
Chapter 2 finds Nas in the immediate aftermath of the cabbie night. While we know she’s running, we having quite gotten to the running part of the story yet. Nas goes over things she’s experienced, all of them truly horrible, and the reasons why this new horrible thing shouldn’t phase her. Except it does, and that makes sense. While one can get desensitized to horrible acts (something I’ve seen my generation talk about often enough), those horrible acts are still going to effect you. Especially if they happen during peace time. Yet, it also shows that while Nas did a terrible thing by walking away, she isn’t a bad person. She knows what she did was wrong and that’s important if your story is going to include massive growth of a character.
In the paragraphs following this introduction, Nas makes mention of “northern raiders” and “berserkers”, which are a group of people that come into play later in the story.
Fun Fact: One of the things that Nas says she experienced is the storming of the Bastille which occured on July 14th.
Where had Incy gotten that spell? Yes, we’re Immortal, we have magic running through our veins, but one has to learn on purpose how to use it. Over the years, I’d known some people who were all about studying magick, learning spells, learning whatever they needed to learn to wield it. But I’d figured out a long time ago that I didn’t want to. I’d seen the death and destruction that magick could cause, I’d seen what people were willing to do to pursue it, and I didn’t want anything to do with it. I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist. And I’d found some like-minded aefrelyffen (an old word for immortals), and we hung out.
It’s important that Nas provides us context on magick, alongside the nature and rules of Immortals as she does later. It’s important that we, as readers, know that what Incy did has to be sought out. Magick has to be learned, and if Nas’s learning later on is anything to go by, it also has to be practiced. This makes what Incy did more disturbing because if he learned to a man’s back in a similar way that Nas learns to put ristrictions on her magick, then it means Incy practiced on other people.
Nas also gives examples of ways she’s used magick, all small which is probably because she doesn’t like to use it. She’s seen what magick does to people and boy has she seen things. She also used magic for the same things we all probably would. For all that her snark and actions might rub a reader the wrong way, these almost petty uses for magick endears her to us just a little.
To me he was sweet and generous and funny and fun, willing to go anywhere, do anything. He was the one who would call me to go to Morocoo at a moment’s notice. The one I’d call to get me out of a jam.
Simple friendly things like this are called into question in a later book, where we find out that Nas was actually reluctant to a lot of Incy’s “go here, do this” attitude.
We would howl about it afterward, falling together, laughing until tears came out of our eyes. The fact that we’d never been lovers, never had that awkwardness between us, only made it more perfect.
Incy and Nas’s friendship really does seem good and wonderful, similar to that almost to the friendships plenty of real people have. Except Incy did something terrible and its reminiscent of the times were you find out your friend wasn’t the kind of person you thought they were. And it’s incredible that they were never lovers, that it never came up for them, not even as a one-night-stand. And I can almost understand why, as later we find out that Incy was obsessed with her power. He had everything he wanted: unfathomable power and a friend to pull around to enjoy all his whims.
It was as if I’d woken up into a different life from the one I’d woken up into yesterday, and I was a different person. And this life and I were both suddenly much darker and grosser and more dangerous than I’d realized.
What Nas is feeling is familiar to me, having gone through some dark things myself (although nothing like she has). I like to think that its a common trauma or shock response to feel as if the world is different and darker. Because in that aftermath it is, as you’ve gone through something that was truly horrible. A big part of healing is moving on and out of that darkness, and realizing that that thing was out of your control and is not reflective of how the world is in its entirety.
Except for me. The mark on the back of my neck was a burn, and I’d had it since I was ten years old. It had never faded, never changed, and the skin was slightly indented, patterned.
We find out more about the mysterious thing on Nas’s neck! It’s a scar that’s been there since she was young, and unlike all other scars or injuries that Immortals get, it hasn’t changed at all. It was caused by magic, powerful magic, which explains why its never changed. And the reason everyone who has seen her scar is dead is because they were all probably mortal themselves. Incy is probably the first Immortal to see it, ever. And even if he doesn’t automatically know what it means, he can certainly find out. And now we’re left with the question of what magical object caused it?
It said, Trevor Hollis, 48, an independent taxicab driver, was attacked last night by one of his fares and suffered a broken spine. He is in the ICU of St. Jame’s Hospital, undergoing tests. Doctors have said he will likely be paralyzed from the shoulders down. He has been unable to name or describe his attacker. His wife and children have been at his side.
And suddenly we know about the cabbie and it makes the situation somehow so much worse. He is a father! He has a wife! It’s unclear if he was the sole provider for the family but either way this is devestating to them. And he can’t name his attackers which gives an excuse as to why he never appears again. We never do learn his ultimate fate though, never learn if he’s permantly paralyzed which is very likely unfortunately.
Finally, at about eight, I got up and went to my bedroom and pulled out my biggest suitcase, the one that could hold a dead pony. (Before you go there, I’ll clarify that it never has.)
Hahaha. We all have that one friend that would ask that question. I would. I am that friend. All my friends are that friend.
“Mr. Bawz and Mr. Innosauce were looking for you, Miss Nastalya,” he told me. I’d always been amused at how he butchered all of our names.
Nas is on the run. And look at the comparison on how she responds to this man messing up her and her friends names versus how Incy reacted to the cabbie. Nas finds it humorous. Incy broke a man’s back. Just because the doorman here is kinder than the cabbie and the fact that Incy was probably very drunk accounts for little or nothing. Nas may be a chronic partier who’s done her fair share of bad things, but she’s nothing like Incy’s level of bad.
“Here you are, Ms. Douglas,” said the clerk, handing over a set of keys. “And how do you say your name?”
“Phillipa,” I answered. Like every immortal, I have a bunch of different passports and IDs and driver’s licenses. Someone always has a friend who knows someone who can get what we need.
Okay so until Nas’s name changes again, because I know it will, she is Phillipa for now. This also explains a little more about what being an immortal is like: you need fake stuff because you’re old and suspecious otherwise. No doubt you also have to change countries or pretend to die.
The rental-car people could have plotted the course to West Lowing for me, but then they might have remembered doing it, if anyone asked them later. And right now I just wanted to disappear. I felt like - like the devil was after me. Like I was being swallowed up in a disaster or something and had to get far away.
Phillipa is headed for West Lowing, Massachusetts. Its near a bunch of other places also named Lowing, such as Lowing Lake and Lowing River. She’s hoping to get lost there, and going through an awful lot of effort to get lost, but its such as specific place that she’s clearly hoping to find something there. And given she apparently needs a map to get there, its not a place she’s been before.
So, the whole immortal thing. You must have questions. I don’t have all the answers.
World-building. Immortals have been around for such a long time that no one knows where they really came from. Like their name suggests, they don’t really die. They can have kids and partners, although unless your partner is also immortal your mortal partner and children will die. Mortal children of an immortal live longer than other mortals. Immortals age differently (one year = one year then one year = 100 human years). Phillipa is 460 years old, born in the year 1551. Immortals don’t get life-long illnesses or more fatal illnesses like cancer or diabetes. They do get colds and the plague. They live their lives like mortal people do, some party and others learn.
I didn’t even know what I was looking for. A sign? Either a literal sign, like RIVER’S EDGE, TURN LEFT, or a metaphorical sign, like a burning bush or something, a bolt of lightning point me in the right direction.
Phillipa is looking for a place called River’s Edge. She can’t find it so she uses a spell to find it. She also remembers how she learned about this place. A woman named River found her and Incy after the two and some mortals (who died unfortunately) were in a car accident in 1929. River told Nastasya (current name, no more Phillipa) who was then Christiane that she could be more, have more, than she currently did if she went to River’s Edge. River and Nastasya had immediately recognized each other as immortals, in a similar way that gay people can recognize each other, but also in a way that provides much more certainty. Nastasya refused so River left, leaving Nas with an open invitation. Nas and Incy hitched a ride sometime later. Nas has now hit a low enough point where she is seeking out River. It’s been eighty years and no guarentee that River is still there.
Nas eventually finds the long winding road to River’s Edge.
There was a tap on the window of my car, and I jumped, barely able to stifle a scream.
My frantic eyes focused, and the man leaned down to look at me.
This lovely man is an immortal too and he also lives at River’s Edge. He is apparently very handsome, a Viking god as Nas puts it. He is somewhat familiar to her, but she isn’t sure how as she can’t remember how she knows him. She recognizes him as another kind of immortal. There are two kinds. The kind that take their power from the life around them and then the kind that don’t.
The chapter ends with this reveal and the confirmation that River is still there.
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reputation - album review
insp. by outofthewoods, i’m gonna do a full review of the album during my first time listening to it :) even tho no one’s gonna read this
i’m lowkey comparing it to red because of the amount of people from secret sessions saying it’s better than red and red has been my favorite since well.. 2012
and i’m gonna include my rankings at the end
…READY FOR IT
(i think this only fits as the first track because i don’t see where else it would fit in with the album)
personally only like the chorus of this song but i 100% stan the music video of course and my WIG flew
//
END GAME
BITHC DFJSJKFHD i personally love taylor’s parts and i of course love ed’s parts although this is quite a contrast to everything has changed, but nonetheless i love the beat and i love the concept of the song.
“i swear i don’t love drama, it loves me” my WIG MF FLEW MISS SWIFT.
//
I DID SOMETHING BAD
“if a man talks shit then i owe him nothing” OH YES HONEY. THDJSHVJKSDC THIS SONG IS GIVING ME GOOSEBUMPS SIS THE CHORUS HAS ME QUAKING ALL THE WAY TO PLUTO.
THE BEAT DROP DURING THE CHORUS GIVES ME EVEN MORE GOOSEBUMPS EVERYTIME IT PLAYS IF THATS EVEN POSSIBLE DJFSJDK
THIS IS 100% ON MY TOP 5 FOR BOPS. I’D BOP TO THIS EVERYDAY. AND THE BRIDGE EHFSFJEHUKJK
//
DON’T BLAME ME
“don’t blame me love made me crazy” honey… it made all of us crazy
idk for some reason the lyrics remind me of bey? i’m not really sure why
i ADORE HER VOICE IN THIS SONG.
i’m not really sure how i really overall feel about this song but i love the vocals in this song and i feel if i listened more closely to the lyric’s i could stan it more
//
DELICATE
the beginning. omg. imogen vibes??? yes.
THE MF BEAT HSJKHEUWHERENJWKEK
OMGFDJKFS THE PRE-CHORUS FCUK ME???? DEADASS BYE
ISN’T IT DELICATE
“stay here i don’t wanna share” sdjfsdfhjuhfn i wanna cry because of that
“I PRETEND YOU’RE MINE ALL THE DAMN TIME” THAT’S THR BIGGEST MOOD KFJSKND
this song is def calmer than the rest of these songs
//
LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO
i remember when this dropped and how shook i was
and i remember shaking when the chorus came on bC JDSKFK
I CAN ALREADY TELL THIS IS GONNA HAVE SOME BOMB ASS CHOREO ON TOUR
i can def see why this was chosen to be the first/comeback single because of what the concept of the song is (i mean i think everyone does)
and from this song i was kinda expecting an album about well.. her reputation.. i guess?? but after the other two singles i wasn’t too sure what was coming BUT
NONETHELESS i adore this song and it honestly feels a little short in comparison to the rest
//
SO IT GOES…
in the beginning i was a little iffy about the chorus but i love the verses.
“i make all your grey days clear” “I’m so chill but you make me jealous”
“but I got your heart skipping when i’m gone”
WOW MISS SWIFT REALLY MADE MY WIG FLY WITH THESE LINES. NGL.
but listening to these lyrics help realize how the chorus fits in
side note: when i first saw the track list i honestly thought of you are in love (which is my favorite song from 1989) and the verse where she says “and so it goes, you two are dancing in a snow globe round and round”)
//
GORGEOUS
i love the concept of this song but i don’t know if i LOVE it,, does that make any sense??
and i loved reading people’s posts on twitter/tumblr about their conspiracy theories of this song
and i relate to this song when i see ppl who r beautiful but i’m too much of a pussy to say shit to them
and i wish i knew why she chose this as a single
//
GETAWAY CAR
wow. just wow. THSEJFEHNRJRE THE FUKCJNGJBN BEGINNING OH MYOOGFDI I WANNA CRY
THIS SOBNG IS SO GOOD WOW
“i wanted to leave him, i needed a reason”
THE FUCKING CHORUS I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT
I LOVE THE VIBES THIS SONG GIVES OFF
THE TYPE OF MUSIC ID LISTEN TO DURING A ROADTRIP TBH?? AND NOT JUST BC OF THE TITLE
but wow i love her voice in this song jsjfnejr it reminds me of something but i can’t put my finger on it
“there were sirens in the beat of your heart” oH MY GOD this line.
THE BRIDGE WOW IM LITERALLY IN TEARS RIGHR NOW
THINK ABOUT THE WHERE PLACE YOU FIRST MET ME
NO NOTHING GOOD STARTS IN A GETAWAY CAR
//
KING OF MY HEART
i love the beginning fuckfjd<3 though i.. don’t exactly like the beat but i do like the lyrics and i love how she told the ppl at ss how each lyric is a diff stage of her relationship. i love how she did that.
the chorus reminds me of getaway car a bit
change my priorities wow
i don’t know i just don’t really connect w this song but i think some of the lyrics are cute and soft like old taylor :)
//
DANCING WITH OUR HANDS TIED
the piano oh?? THE BEAT OH???
JDSJDFSB THE LYRICS OH MY GOD
“deep blue but you painted me golden / oh and you held me close / ooh how was i to know” HSKJFWEH WOWOWWOOW
I HAD A BAD FEELING
QUEEN TAYLOR IS SHAKING ME
i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us
i love.
//
DRESS
“they got no idea about me and you” wow you right.. we didn’t have any idea sis :(
I LOVE HER VOICE IN THE BEGINNING BABY YES TAYLOR
only bought this dress so you could take it off
anyone thinks that they know us but they know nothing about all of this silence and patience panic and anticipation my hands are shaking from holding back from you
I honestly love how this song is about sex lmao
nonetheless i love the beat and feel of this song:)
AND THE BRIDGE TOOK MY BREATH AWAY. i would say wig flew but she took that during the first 3 seconds of end game
//
THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS
okay the beginning,, i thought it was an ad so imma be honest and say i don’t like the beginning
this song gives me the vibe of we are young by fun., is it just me?? idk but that’s what i thought of during the verses vs the chorus you know??
if only you weren’t so shady,, this is why we can’t have nice things
ALRIGHT I LOVE HOW SHE DEDICATES THAT PART OF THE SONG TO PEOPLE WHERE SHES LIKE:
HERE’S A TOAST TO MY REAL FRIENDS WHO DON’T CARE ABOUT THE HE SAID SHE SAID
AND HERE’S TO MY BAAABYY (i love the way she says baby in this song it’s deadass so adorable) HE AIN’T READING WHAT THEY CALL ME LATELY
AND HERE’S TO MY MAMA HAD TO LISTEN TO ALL THIS DRAMA
AND HERE’S TO YOU BECAUSE FORGIVENESS IS A NICE THING TO DO– HAHAHA I CAN’T EVEN SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE
I LOVE IT. I STAN.
this song is so cute tbh
//
CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT
alright alright alright,, the fourth single of rep. probably my favorite single.
i love the contrast from this is why we can’t have nice things
and this song is so cuteeee and i love how she stays calling him her baby,, it’s the cutest thing and makes my heart go [<3<3<3]
and i know i make the same mistakes every time bridges burn i never learn at least i did one thing right lmao that line lowkey broke my heart
this is the type of song you listen to when you’re in love tbh it’s so cute and the lyrics r like old taylor and i love it
not because he owns me, but because he really knows me
LOVES ME LIKE IM BRAND NEW I adore that lyric
//
NEW YEAR’S DAY
this song is so cute wow. it’s so different from the rest of the album though and i feel like it’d be a deluxe song, but NONETHELESS IM IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG WOW
squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi
please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh i can recognize anywhere
this song is deadass so cute oh my god i love how she shows her soft side in this song
HOLD ON TO THESE MEMORIES
that reminded me of long live oh my god i’m trying not to get emo ab that
CANDLE WAX AND POLAROIDS ON THE HARDWOOD FLOOR - YOU AND ME FOREVERMORE
this is the most og taylor swift song on the album and the type of song that captured my heart all those years ago and wow. i just love it.
//
overall i love this album more than i thought i would because,, well to be quite honest i kind of grew apart 1989 and thought this would just push me away further but it definitely did not. no, it’s not your typical taylor swift cheesy heartbreak songs, but it’s different and that’s what i love about it. is it better than red? once i get more into the lyrics and the concepts behind all of the songs i think i’ll determine my opinion on that.
one thing i really loved about this album is how it’s not just about her heartbreak and the hell and the pain she’s been through with the last relationship she was in (of course there’s that in this album but it’s so much more), it’s also about her well, reputation, and how she feels in her current one. i can tell how happy she is right now and i can already feel her smiles through the songs, the smiles she probably had during the recording of this album.
i love the change of style that came out of the 3 year hiatus
and now here’s my rankings (for now at least)
- getaway car
- i did something bad
- delicate
- dress
- dancing with our hands tied
- new year’s day
- king of my heart
- don’t blame me
- end game
- call it what you want
- gorgeous
- ready for it
- this is why we can’t have nice things
- so it goes
- look what you made me do
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2.) The Invitation
Lately, I’ve been getting quite a few wedding invitations. Friends from grade school, college, work; all of them sending me this fancy little card with some frilly paper inside. “Come join us in celebration, blah blah blah, we thank God for, yada yada yada, mark which food you want [X] STEAK [ ] CHICKEN [ ] VEGAN. It’s the idea of coming together to celebrate something; but the choice is yours if you want to come or not. Nothing stands in the balance besides the possible disappointment for the bride, groom, or your crazy ex that will be there wanting to show off her new man named Brad who is more fit than you, makes more money than you, and has more hair than you. As...tempting...as it may be to go, again, it is up to you.
However, most of the time, when we feel like God is showing us something new for our lives, or asking us to go somewhere, magically our “choice” kinda just goes *poof*. We think of Jonah and we’re like ,“Well, no matter what, God is going to get me there. God’s will is always accomplished so it doesn’t really matter; he’ll carry me kicking and screaming if he has to. See two footprints in the sand? We walked together. See one? He carried me. See a weird looking skid mark? He dragged me.”
On the contrary, I feel that on the road to God as Lover, he has simply invited us to come if we so please. I 100% believe that I can turn his offer down. Regardless of disappointment or anything of the kind, I can say “no” to this journey, and he will allow it. Why? Because when you seek relationship, when you seek marriage, when you seek intimacy, it is always an invitation that can be turned down, because without choice, how can there be love? It’s the same idea when it comes to our free will. Why didn’t God make it so we couldn’t sin, why didn’t he just make servants who always followed his commands? The answer lies in the nature of God as love. Love chooses. “Love is a verb”. We must choose to love God, others, and even ourselves.
Love is weird. It’s always messy (in good ways and bad). It’s never easy to understand and at times it is insanely hard. Anyone who has ever been in any kind of relationship (that means everyone) knows this. It is not easy being a son, husband, brother, friend, cousin, etc. They all have their various challenges and rewards, and they all require the engagement of our will. But enough with the philosophical tangent! Let’s get back to our steamy love affair.
As God began to put this question, this invitation, on my heart, I got the picture of Jesus standing at a door in my mind. He’s holding it open for me (a proper Gentleman he is) and his posture is one of “Would you care to come in?” As I look through this portal, I see a nature-filled scene. The trees, valley, sky, everything looks wild and untamed. Also, I see no path. This is wilderness at its finest. Immediately, I imagined what the door to God as Father or God as Friend would look like. Hills or mountainous scenes, but with a well-defined path, as if thousands upon thousands of people have walked the path before, stamping it down so the way is clear. It doesn’t mean the road is easy, but just often traveled. Think about how many books or sermons exist on “Father God”, or “Jesus our friend”, and you get the picture. It differs person to person based on their own experiences, but helpful books, sermons, or messages are easily accessible.
I look back to the door Jesus stands before and I gaze into that doorway. This valley looks incredibly beautiful, but extremely mysterious. There are little rabbit trails here and there, but nothing that looks like a “path”. I think to myself, “How in the world am I supposed to know where to go? Sure, there are tons of books on God is love, his love for us, etc. But I have never heard a sermon about God as our personal Lover. How is this going to work? We can’t even sing ‘When heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss’!” Yet before I know it, I am shocked to find myself walking towards the door. My mind is confused but my heart is literally driving me forward, as if it knows where it truly desires to go. And partly, I have porn to thank.
I had never struggled with porn until marriage (ironic isn’t it). What porn became was an every-so-often sort of hiccup when the going got bad. For me, it has never been about wanting someone else, or the girl, or anything like that. It was because my life felt so devoid of intimacy, if I could maybe watch something close, maybe I’ll feel better. Maybe by watching this fake intimate experience, I would feel like I had a tiny speck of the real thing. Of course, it never works that way, it’s always a sham.
A month or so back, before I had my official DTR (define the relationship) with God, while I was having a moment of weakness with porn, I remembered what my Dad had told me once. Invite Jesus into your sin. Ask him to be with you and show you something about yourself. Weird? Yeah, extremely. But I kinda said, “Shit, why not. I already know this isn’t right, might as well find out why I feel drawn to it.” So cameras rolling, I scooted over to make Jesus a seat and asked him if he wanted some popcorn.
Conversation went as such:
Soooooooo, why am I struggling with this?
“You tell me. What do you want out of this?”
I guess I want to know what intimacy looks like.
“And you’re telling me this is it?”
Absolutely not. I just feel like I’m dying. I haven’t felt wanted in a long time.
“Ahhhhh, so this isn’t about wanting to see intimacy, this is about not feeling wanted.”
...Yeah I guess...You know what yeah, you’re right. I want to feel pursued in a way. And this is close enough to dull it down for a moment I guess.
“So porn isn’t for you about having too much sexual frustration or something similar. This is your cry of wanting to feel cared for and pursued.”
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This is where I realized that something was beginning to work in my heart. I finally understood my “why”. If pain is the symptom of something going on in the body, porn was pointing to something going on in my heart, but until then, I did not understand what it was.
A few days later, I was thinking over what had happened and began another little chat:
Wow...ok yeah, I understand now. Even though it’s fake, it looks like this girl “wants” the guy, and she’s pursuing him in a way. And you’re right, I feel completely and totally undesired and unwanted. During the marriage, it never felt like I came first or what I wanted was important. I never felt pursued. And then the way it ended, with me being abandoned and rejected, just added to it. I thought that marriage would fix the loneliness that I’ve had for a long time, but it made it worse.
“That’s because you thought that a woman could fulfill your heart’s desire. You’ve thought that for 26 years now. You’ve pursued relationships to the ends of the earth, and you’ve never felt that you have been equally pursued or valued.”
...thanks for the kind words and memories Jesus...You must be a big hit at parties...
“Hahaha my love, the reason you have never felt fulfilled is because this entire time you have been trying to pursue me but haven’t realized it.”
What?
“In your humanness, the closest your mind could come to in the search for intimacy was a woman/marriage, which is ‘correct’ thinking in human terms. But I am the archetype of pursuit and intimacy. If you allow me to pursue you, you will never feel unwanted, undesired, or unappreciated.”
So you’re just telling me that if I pursue you more, you’ll pursue me more?
“No. Regardless of how you pursue me, I will always pursue you with my everything. I’ll pursue you so deeply and so vastly you will have no idea what to do with yourself. Bryce, your heart is one that loves to pursue, that loves to love. It’s a heart that I placed within you; but you pale in comparison to me. You’ve always said in your heart, ‘I wish this girl would pursue me as much as I am pursuing her’, but your heart is an ant compared to the Milky Way (and that’s putting it lightly) of mine.”
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Had I been able to see my heart at this point, I would have noticed that it was already slowly walking towards the door of the Lover without realizing it. Jesus says, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.” (Rev 3:20) Sound nice and Platonic right? Jesus is there knocking, saying, “Yo! I brought Little Caesars!” You run to the door, fist bump, and he comes on in for the big game. But another version of this passage is found in Song of Solomon. “A sound! My beloved is knocking. ‘Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.’ I had put off my garment how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them? My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me.” (SoS 5:2-4)
This is the kind of invitation God offers us. He has invited you on a journey towards intimacy with him that outshines anything you might have imagined it could be. He stands at the door, a Lover, reaching his hand out in offering. The gentleness, the anticipation, the romance, all radiating off of him. His eyes filled with the intensity of his love towards you, a longing to woo you and make you entirely his. Walk through the door and enter the wildness of romance with the Lover. A week or so later, I stepped through that door in my relentless pursuit of passion and intimacy...
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