for anyone who cares or wants an update on how i’ve been doing

my depression got ahold of me and my addictive personality took over too. i’ve been doing heroin because it was the only thing that would numb the pain i was feeling. my boyfriend had a seizure this morning and it was a big wake up call for me.

i’m going to try to get better again

i’m sorry if i disappointed whoever was left that cared but i’m a fuck up

#yarnlovechallenge Day #1: Introduction: Hi knitters from around the world! My name is Janet (grannyjannie on Ravelry), and I live in suburban Chicago. I am at a point in my life where knitting and the attendant knitting community have come to fill a huge void in my life. I spent many years of my life being a wife and a mother, but now I am a widow, my four daughters are married (two of whom are mothers themselves), and my son is finishing his last semester at college in Iowa. In between happy grandma duties and fun holidays with my family, I have a LOT of free time! Enter knitting. (And late night binge-watching on Netflix.) I guess I qualify as a yarn collector, because I would need to live waaay beyond current human life expectancy to knit each skein I possess into a project, but I can't stop buying the beautiful colors and textures, and regard yarn as a way of artistic expression. Beaded shawls are probably my favorite projects, with the cowl/ infinity scarf coming in at a close second. If you looked through my stash yarns, you would quite easily deduce that I love greens and purples, and fiber containing silk and cashmere. I probably should have a rider on my homeowner's insurance, because if this place burned down, well, let's just say I could purchase a new vehicle in place of what it would take to replace my stash.... There really are not enough hours in the day for me to knit, read, and spend happy hours on the phone with my children, so I sleep as little as possible. 😎 Looking forward to learning more about the fascinating knitters in this community! #iloveyarn #knittersofinstagram

Granny Janny's Gingerbread Cookie Ale - All Day Today 12-6pm at the GSB Tasting Room! #grannyjanny #greatsouthbay #askforgsb #gingerbreadbeer (at Great South Bay Brewery)

I love you the people/person who gave you hate can fall off of a curb and tear their ACL

definitely! 

I think my heart just broke for the millionth time. Why did she have to go? She was so young. She had so much to offer to this world. I’m sorry I couldn’t help. I’m so so sorry.

hey

new year new jean 😛

this filter explains how i’ve been doing lately

hey hey hey

hello i've become slightly more attractive i'm ready for someone to date me now

I should stop taking so many selfies, but my hairs growing and I'm excited okay

I don't want to cause anyone any pain. I don't want to become a hashtag. that isn't what I want to do. in the simplest words, I want to disappear. I don't want to die in an ambulance, hospital bed, or my bathroom floor. I don't want a funeral, wake, rosary, burial. I don't want my parents to get a phone call saying I'm not coming home. I don't want my dad to feel like he didn't do everything he could to make me happy. I don't want my mom to lose another child. I don't want my brother to relapse. I don't want my sisters baby to be born without an aunt. but I also don't want to be alive. I just want to snap my fingers an disappear. I don't want to cause any pain, I just want to get rid of mine.

my meds aren't working and I'm hitting a really scary low but I can't talk to my psychiatrist because she's out of her office until April 24th and won't return any of my calls to her personal phone. this feels like rock bottom and nobody seems to care. all of my friends couldn't give a single fuck about how I'm doing mentally. all they care about is going out and drinking. no one wants to be bothered by the scary things I'm having to go through by myself. nobody wants to make time for me to vent. nobody wants to make time to hear me out. Everyone is caught up in their own shit and doesn't give a single fuck. but do you know when they'll want to put their two cents in? when it's too late. when I try something. when I'm laying in a hospital bed. or when I'm dead. that's when they'll care. that's what happened last time. they left me and I tried something then they had the nerve to come at me and bitch. you can't leave me and not care then come at me like you've been there the whole time. everyone has their own shit and doesn't want to know how I'm doing. no one cares about the constant battle I'm fighting in my head. no one knows what it's like. no one sees the cuts on my wrists and legs and chest. no one cares. no one ever did.

hey :-)