#good things have come out of it too but i was already socially / emotionally stunted and then being locked down for a year and a half like l | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

coffeehater · 2 years

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Wesker x Gn reader

Cw; wesker thinks reader is inferior ar first, asshole wesker, emotionally stunted wesker, wesker doesn't take rejection nicely.

Tw; yandere wesker, forced relationships, implied stalking, wesker kidnaps reader.

Headcanons about how wesker falls for someone thats the complete opposite of him and how he definitely does not handle rejection normally + a small fic at the end

Word count ; 2,775

•Wesker never really thought about having a partner he didn't have the time or patience to look for someone he deems worthy enough to be by his side seeing as most humans are worthless in his eyes and he finds only a handful worthy of making it to his new world. you were just another face working for umbrella corp someone he didn't think of at all, as time went on he began to despise you he could already tell you were a human of no worth someone completely inferior to himself.

•You were kind,understanding, bright and passionate about your work almost sickeningly so. You were too nice for your own good and anyone could take advantage of you (which is all the more reason you are weak and a lesser being) not only that but you were sheltered from the real business going on in umbrella corp sure you helped create viruses but you had no idea that they were to be used as bioweapons in fact you thought you were simply making them to find each strain of virus and how to find cures for them.

•All around you were insufferable when he first met you just another pest he'd eventually kill.

•You noticed wesker's disdain for you and it confused you. You tried your best to be nice and cause as least trouble as possible but he just seemed to have it out for you. At first you thought it was because you were new and he wanted you to prove yourself not to be useless; so you tried to engage in conversations and talk to him more often than you would any person while trying extra hard to never make mistakes and not complain even when he was cruel for no reason, it didn't work it only made you gain his ire where now he purposefully calls you out for even the smallest things he wouldn't for anyone else.

•It would take trial and error but eventually you'd learn that wesker wasn't someone you could just make like you he was much harder to please and his aloofness wasn't just towards you it was towards everyone so you learnt not to take his coldness to heart and started allowing him to come to you rather then the other way around; that didn't mean you didn't occasionally start up a conversation (otherwise the relationship wouldn't progress) it just meant you learned to read him and know when he was in a good enough mood to indulge in simple conversation with you it was a process learning every que and indicator of his feelings but eventually you got the hang of it.

•It was a slow process for wesker to acknowledge you as someone he considered anything other then absolutely annoying and even longer for him to consider your company tolerable but he got there. he still busts your ass and micromanages you as well as using his power over you to make you do little things or to insult you (sometimes it's not even on purpose he just isn't good with social cues) one time you brought him coffee just on a whim since you were getting yourself some and you decided to do a nice gesture for him you figured it wasn't a big deal and was small enough for him not to get upset. He was slightly annoyed since he doesn't even need coffee due to the virus running through his system but he figures this Is another way he can bust your chops (while he doesn't hate you he thinks you shouldn't be working for umbrella corp anyways due to you not know of umbrellas true nature and wants you to quit, not for your sake but because he doesn't want to deal with the off chance you find out what's really going on and get emotional) "Hmm, I expect you to do this from now on without me asking" he says and that was final it becomes a ritual for you guys that whenever wesker is at his office and not off on some mission that you bring him coffee you don't really mind because it gives you more opportunities to talk with and get to know him.

•This is were his feelings truly begin to develop into something more romantic-ish——( I don't want to say it's fully leaning towards romantic because it's not but I feel like this can be interpreted as both romantic and platonic)——because not only does he see you very often but he also gets more insight on who you are as a person. And while he still doesn't like that you are so nice he begins to unconsciously latch onto you he doesn't even notice he's doing it and it just happens once that happens he begins to appreciate certain things about your kindness especially once he realizes you're not trying to get something from him and that you actually just wanted to be nice it's a bit surprising to say the least since he's not used to kindness in his line of work unless it is to gain something, but he's glad nonetheless and it actually has benefited him at times (he also just likes the feeling when you say something nice about him and while he doesn't need it because he's already aware he's good at everything he still finds himself liking the sentiment though he'd never admit it not even to himself)

•As the relationship progresses even more moving towards a full blown friendship wesker will begin to seek out your presence especially if you haven't seen him that day, he won't do it all the time as he has an appearance to keep up, but he will do it occasionally especially if you haven't came to him in a while if the the excuse can be utlizided he will most definitely say it's because you haven't been bringing him his morning coffee although he'll say it in such an asshole way that you won't think anything of it "I believe I ordered you to bring me my beverage each day are you so incompetent that you can follow simple orders?" At this point you get annoyed when wesker insults you or says things like that and so you occasionally get on his case about it and tell him there are better ways to talk to someone/request something at first he brushes aside your concerns until his dumbass realizes you were less likely to talk to him when he continued his behavior from then on he tries to be less judging and less tormenting when he realizes he could actually lose your companionship he hates to admit it but he's become accustomed to you and your voice it would be annoying to have to go without it now.

•You notice the change and while it doesn't completely stop him from being an asshole you recognize he's at least trying (only for you) and you appreciate it you never say anything because you're sure if you did he'd revert back to being a complete asshole but you try to silently let him know.

•It takes a while but wesker begins to realize truly how much he cares for you and at first he hates it he doesn't want to care for anyone because they can be used against him but eventually he comes to terms with the fact and decides that you will join him in the new world once he has everything in place. In the meantime he will pull the wool over your eyes and keep you unaware of his plans.

• now that he has decided to bring you into his new world wesker becomes fully obsessed with you in every way and tries to learn everything that he can you're a fascinating being to him above all else and he wants to feel like he knows you better then everybody even if it's just the little things, he remembers everything you say so I wouldn't try lying to him he will not take it well. He also becomes overprotective and if anyone ever tries to hurt you they will be getting an earful detailing exactly why they're completely useless he won't let anything against you slide you'll basically have a secret guard dog that you don't even know about, wesker knows you would be upset if you found out he was hurting people for you and so he does so secretly.

• Eventually wesker realizes his feelings aren't exactly hinging on just curiosity anymore and that he might actually have feelings for you, he tries his best to ignore it and shove the feelings away he just cannot believe that he has fallen for anyone. He reacts with anger at first and most of it is directed at you no surprise there he begins treating you like you are nothing again maybe in hopes to convince himself that? And you are not having it you decide that if he's going to completely give up on progressing then you aren't going to give him the time of day outside of what you had to, he is still your superior after all so you can't exactly avoid him completely though you wish you could.

• When he finally comes to the conclusion that he cannot get rid of his feelings for you he deduces that you are the only one worthy of his precious time and attention and that he simply must have you now that he's accepted his feelings.

•He decides that you must only have the best when he confesses to you that he wants to impress you and let you know he certainly can provide, so he books a table at an expensive restaurant a week in advance.

• when you outright reject him he's shocked he doesn't quite understand and he demands that you explain yourself he gets angrier and angrier by the second when you explain that you're not interested in him he just cannot fathom the idea that you don't want him not when he's the most perfect man for you. You can tell he's getting more and more angry his voice rising in tone eventually he altogether stops talking you hope that's the end of it you apologize if only to be Courteous and leave your skin prickles as you can feel the heat of his gaze on you.

•you were still tense from your earlier encounter with wesker you'd never seen him lose composure like that and frankly you were terrified something in him seemed to snap something dangerous and you didn't want to be on the receiving end of that anger. After some contemplation you decide to call in sick from work. You needed to relax and figure out whether or not you were safe at work.

•Wesker is annoyed with your initial rejection but he's able to convince himself you were playing hard to get and so he wait for you to come to him this time, he was sure you would after all he's the perfect man it'd be foolish to reject him. But you don't and he's beginning to feel something uncomfortable claw at his stomach, surely you didn't mean to reject his advances completely? But As the days pass he becomes more and more anxious more impatient until finally he decides you must be playing hard to get especially since you haven't been showing up to work these past few days calling in "sick" it was a quick search in employee files for him to find your address if you weren't going to come to him on your own then he was going to force your hand.

Short fic for the ending

_____

There are zombies outside you don't know what the hell happened while you were sleeping but everything has gone to utter shit, your hands tighten against the perch of your window as you assess the damage. Just outside of your window view you can see that there are crashed cars probably from people rushing to get out of the city you think and as you scan them you realize some of the cars have dead bodies and you shudder feeling your heart ache for them. Your eyes look around spotting at least 10 people who aren't infected yet running around screaming in panic, some are being chased you realize looking at the gray peeling skin of a zombie that was bounding after one of the survivors. Your hands are shaking as you stare out into the chaos you don't know what to do you have no weapons other than dull knives in your kitchen it's better then nothing but you wouldn't dare get near any of the infected and you aren't much of a fighter anyways so it's either you're stuck here until someone hopefully comes to the rescue or you go out there and try your luck at escaping neither option seems great and you can feel yourself hyperventilating. Suddenly your phone rings shaking you out of your stupor you hurry towards it it reads out

unknown number

you don't hesitate to answer, feeling hope slowly rise in your body at the mere idea of being rescued, maybe you could even save the people outside. "Hello?" You say taking a deep breath trying to calm your beating heart

"Y/n'' you freeze your blood running cold at the sound of wesker's voice "there's been an accident during the transportation of the T-virus your city is infected although I'm sure you're already aware" you say nothing "y/n are you still there?" You don't want to talk to him but wesker might be your only hope "yes" you say breathlessly "you've not been infected have you?"

"No i haven't been outside" you mutter walking back towards the window to look outside it again.

"Good, a rescue party is on its way stay where you are and do not leave" you sag in relief "thank God there's a few other people that are Alive out here tell them there is at least ten that i saw so they can search the area for them" there is a pause and you would've believed he hung up on you if it wasn't for the soft sound of his breathing.

"I'm afraid that isn't possible dearheart"

"What? Wesker they're innocent civilians I'm sure they could find the time to search for them we can't just leave them there!"

"They do not matter dear-"

"Of course they matter, how could you say that?" You hear a sigh "Okay dearheart just wait there they will come and retrieve you, and search for the civilians" you sigh in relief "thank you" he says nothing in response and the phone beeps signifying he'd hung up on you.

20 minutes later

You hear banging at your door "y/l/n? Open up" it was wesker as much as you were uncomfortable you were glad to hear his voice after only hearing screams for the past twenty minutes, wesker steps in once the door is opened and you look behind him expecting to see a few others but it's just him "where are the others?" He pointedly ignores your question and looks around your apartment almost judgingly before his eyes meet yours or at least you assume so you can't see them past his shades.

"Wesker, where are the others?" You ask a little more frantically this time he takes long strides towards you again ignoring your question.

"it's such a shame you made me do this y/n" each step you take back he punctuates with a larger step forward until your back is pressed up against the wall.

"Do what? Wesker what's going on?" You are practically chest to chest at this point with how close he is. You have zero time to react when you are stabbed in the neck with a needle. You immediately begin to struggle to get away from him but he traps you in his strong arms "Wesker why?" You slur your vision beginning to blur.

"You may not realize it yet y/n but you were made to rule by my side" all that did was leave even more questions in your mind you shook your head weakly he only sighs in response

"I know you will not see it yet dearheart but in due time you will realize your place is with me" you try to open your mouth to protest but it is too heavy to move your forced to lean your body against him too weak to hold yourself up.

"Do not fret dear, you will be well taken care of" is the last thing you hear.

I had to rewrite this so many times with many different endings to find one I could stick with writing it. If you enjoyed this feel free to send in a request about wesker.

#albert wesker x reader #albert wesker #yandere albert wesker #wesker x reader #yandere wesker

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misterscarlet · 2 years

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Ch 1

It was a dark and stormy night

"What went wrong?"

"I duno sometimes girls just loose interest"

He hated these kinds of things, people were so complicated. why humans couldn't be ones and zeros would be a mystery to him. He thought he was in, he thought they clicked.

"god dammit"

Mary was always great at these kinds of things, she got people. had this personality that could pull you into a hug.

"hay, if she's not looking for a relationship rn, then don't"

"?"

"Just say hay 'wanna fuck tn?' worst comes to worst, you get a 'no' and thats it. ur overthinking things, if she says 'no' then you can just say cool ill see someone else' she'll be the one overthinking things"

The irony of solving his own overthinking by giving it to someone else was much sweeter then an ethical wall he had placed between his identity and mind games of this sort.

so he sent it.

It was the sheer audacity of it all that surprised him. Impulses like these never worked out. These same passions and spirit of the moment thinking had their place in more passionate acts. Communication though should be orderly and respectful. Good communication in any relationship, platonic, social, or otherwise was more valuable then anything. Even Tinder, sure it was a dating app and people were expecting trashy conversations on it, but that it shouldn't mean that he should continue with that trend. He would be better than this, he would be the port in a storm of crappy fish picks and sexual harassment. When he looked down at his phone, he recalled what he had done. It was shame, shame that washed over him and his soul. Could it be that he was no better then the frat boys and the uncultured emotionally stunted boys who passed as college guys. As he stared into those three 'words' he knew in his soul that, he was better than this, relationships were built, nurtured, enjoyed. Relations were to be connections that you formed with someone, something that lasted as a foundation to build your life on.

Then a text arrived

"do you have place n can u wear condom" his world had suddenly gotten much smaller. Then he sent "yes and yes". What was once a solid wall in his mind and that was never an option, suddenly had a door; and he was through it already.

"can u pick me up"

He looked at the keys on the end table, and his response was sent. He had only gone a hair down this rabbit hole and he was

already

falling.

You see, he had to play it cool. "sure, where"

Oh god it was one too may words. he had shit the bed, up shitt's creek without a paddle, killed the goose.

"where r u by

im by Lexington Campus"

maybe the goose could be re-alived after all.

"I'm in Lex appts"

"oh wtf we're so close".

he was a new man, this might just work?

"can you give me like 30 min"

What you would do to get ready to get fucked besides take a shower didn't make very much sense to him. He didn't expect it to but, why would you freshen up to get ready for a hot and objectively gross activity? he said none of this...

"sure"

when she sent over her address, "1 Glen Eagle Dr, Piscataway"

Tinder does magical things.

Honestly, why would she do her hair, a brush and a bit of conditioner would do the trick. He was just going to pull i-

"do u care if im in my pjs [loudly crying face emoji]"

again, these pointless questions

"I'm just going to take them off,

so no"

"o-"

yep he was in. sure, he had social anxiety and talking to a woman on the street was harder then a brick. He did have one thing though he had a feeling for when he was in a girl's head.

"LOL ur cute"

*mental Hi-five*

why not lean into it

"Although if you could do your hair, I would like to mess that up"

"it's done"

where he smiled to the camera (yes he does this in real life, I am sorry) and with a grin that could only say 'if it works, it works, don't question it'

The walk in the rain wasn't terrible, a drizzle fell gave everything a hazy look. Those nights as summer aren't cold, they simply feel so as you think about the season that just moved on without you.

That night he felt warm, because sex.

simply saying 'here' would be too clinical, too strait forward, to average, sex was something special, so the last thing he wanted to text should reflect that. "your carriage has arrived"

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notlycheesden · 3 years

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Rearview Mirror

Heyyo ✌🏻 this is my first written piece for Endeavor , as a gift for my friend @kogo for the evil exchange. so I hope you like it my dude 👍🏻. A piece I will def be coming back to write more for sure.

⤍ Endeavour x reader

⤍ 3.6k

⤍ TW.incest, TW.dubcon, TW.father/daughter

⤍ Summary:

Enji was trying to be a better father, a better man.

And you never lied to him.

Guess it was a time for a lot of firsts.

Everything was always red between the both of you.

It's past four when his phone rings.

He was awake. even on his day off -those becoming more frequent now- years of routine were still strong. His body alert and aware way before the break of dawn for hours of training before patrol, and later to go to his own agency, the literal empire that wouldn't run itself.

He was pretending to be asleep, unmovable laying on his stomach, face buried on his pillow. Deep breaths in and out in a rhythmic pattern. His massive frame takes most of his king-size bed that for more than a decade he slept right in the middle, no reason to let the right side of it unoccupied.

It was almost meditation-like. There in the quiet and calm of his bedroom between his sheets, he could organize -or at least try- his thoughts. A time in his day where he gets lost in self-reflection. The things he would have to do that day, what work in his agency he would have to supervise, and even stubbornly he would do a little steaming out, analyzing his “actions and emotions”, passing commentary from the resident agency therapist threw his way.

“A strict but good man, if not for some, mishaps, from your intense and fiery nature.” was his professional opinion about Endeavor. The man really lived to throw things his way.

It used to help calm his turbulent mind. But lately there was nothing in his head but turmoil.

It was something he would do until 6 AM, when he couldn't take any longer and had to get up, body and muscles aching from staying in bed for too long, the sun already rising on the horizon, painting the sky with yellows, pinks, and reds.

The silence of his room is broken by the ring of his phone. Instead of the familiar tone of the morning alarm, it was his normal ringtone. When he opens his eyes, the room was not bright as he expects, still shrouded by darkness. Endeavor sits on his bed at once, alert.

Getting it from the bedside table quickly, his posture falls when he catches the time and the already saved contact of who was calling him: Natsuo.

Enji picks up, but before he could question the call, the time, or even say hello, Natsuo speaks, voice grave and serious.

“You need to pick up your daughter right now.”

It’s a punch to the gut. One that makes all the air from his lungs escape at once. In a second, he feels like he is thrown into a rollercoaster.

The only thing he can muster in his shock is a guttural and deep bark of incredulity “What?”

Natsuo cuts Enji off immediately. His tone triggering him into snapping, memories hushing in -not the time for this- “She just called. She was a crying mess, begged me to come for her but I live two hours away-Shouto is on patrol and not picking up and Fuyumi is with her fiance's family at the onsen-”

Enji inhales sharply. Dread takes hold of him while he can't even see straight with the sudden rush of adrenaline, sirens blasting off in his head.

“She was supposed to be with fuyumi at the onsen.” His voice echoes back at him in his bedroom walls, he doesn't realize he is shouting.

“Look, this is really not the time. She has no money and her phone’s dead. I was able to get her to tell me an address before the call dropped. she's all alone there. Are you gonna pick her up?”

Natsuo calms his own breaths now after snapping and shouting back, and he can hear shuffling noises on his father’s side of the line. The older man was up in a second, not really seeing anything, rushing through his stuff picking his keys and wallet. He hates the way his father could make him snap so easily.

Enji was completely distraught.“She said she was going to be with fuyumi…” He mutters under his breath while running through the corridors, even forgetting the phone by his ear, his son still on the line.

But Natsuo hates even more the blatant difference in the way his father treated all of them and you in comparison. Always. Like he could fix his mistakes. Hide his sins.

“Well. Think your little princess lied to you old man.”

Enji didn't even register the venom in his son's words, nor when he hangs up on him.

He’s out of the house in a blink. He tries not to rip the door out of its hinges on his way out.

——

He drives fast, almost no other car in the streets making it easier to speed up in his nervous state. The GPS voice droning about the directions, a forty-minute drive that he would make in twenty.

you said you were going to spend the weekend with your sister.

You lied to him.

Enji’s heart hammers in his chest and his flames burst multiple times on his face out of control. His grip on the wheel tightens to ground his shaking hands, his jaw set with such force that he could feel a headache already forming.

Thoughts were flying through his mind a mile a second. Where are you? What happened to you? Who were you with? Were you safe? Why were you crying?

Why did you lie to him?

It was like his heart was being squeezed by dread and being broken at the same time.

You were his youngest. After he realized what he did to his children as a father, he tried his best to do better; connect, communicate, but he was emotionally and socially stunted -Thanks doc.- and by the time he tried to reach out, it was just a little too late.

Fuyumi was the pillar of the household, replacing their mother too much young and having to fit in a mould not meant to be hers, barely holding the treads of the family and house together. Natsuo was out of the front door as soon as he finished high school and got into med school, choosing to live in the dorms and work part-time rather than stay at the manor. Shoto was another history in itself.

And there was you, a couple of years younger than your now up-in-the-ranks pro hero brother, at the time just a pipsqueak. Too young to remember Rei, remember the worst of Endeavor.

And when he tried to connect, you were there. As if just waiting. Wanting your father to look at you. Frail and innocent and just in want of care, of attention, of love. You welcomed him into your life with open arms and heart.

Enji did try to make it right by you. And for some time things were progressing, even his other children were starting to turn their heads around his direction.

Until Touya’s incident.

The media cracked down on him and his family with a vengeance, almost nothing was left unturned or whole.

Natsuo was the first to cut ties. Shouto threw himself into his hero work, completely closing himself off. Even Fuyumi decided that she was done, took the next step, and went to live with her now fiance, completely ignoring whatever Enji tried to shout about costumes or honor.

Then it was just the two of you.

He tried to be a good father.

He was a quiet man in his private life, strict and with a violent nature, but he reached out for outside help to make it right. An older and trustworthy housekeeper to not chain his daughter down at the manor, guidance from therapist to help him become a better father, a better man, anything to do right this time.

Call it atonement, call it his redemption, call it hypocrisy, he didn't care.

He only cares that at the end of the day, you were there at his side, happy.

This morning he saw the note on the fridge.

Going to onee-san family trip,

Be back on Sunday.

You never had lied to him before.

Guess it was a time for a lot of firsts.

——-

The music blasting through the night tipped him off even before his car's GPS tells him he arrived at the destined location.

He parks way down the street and assesses the place inside the darkness of his car.

Enji’s way out of the city now and inside the industrial district, the building seems old and falling to pieces, people are lingering all around the street, but it’s thicker there. At surface level the building was empty, but the music was definitely coming from there.

He dreads the worst.

Getting out of the car still in his sleeping sweatpants and tee, he throws the hood of his workout jacket over his hair to conceal himself. He’s going for discretion, get you and get out, no need to make this a public affair. Not with this, not with you, not right now.

He searches around but still can't find you. Half an hour has passed since Natsuo called. He's in a frenzy. Endeavor forces himself to calm down and think.

His son didn't mention music. He looks far into the street and he can see the entrance of an alleyway, he hushes there.

His stomach tied in knots when he sees in the dark your small figure crouched down beside a dumpster. your shoulders ate shaking with silent sobs holding your dead phone for dear life, trying to make yourself smaller than you already were, head down.

Enji barks your name and your head snaps to the entrance of the alleyway in shock, your body trembling and fat tears running down your smudged makeup.

“Daddy!”

In a second you were up and running, throwing your body against him and hugging his middle. He doesn't know what to do first, but he opts for following his instincts. Enji hugs your shaking form, shushing you lightly while petting your head. He doesn't know if it's him or you who's shaking more.

He doesn't remember how, but he manages to walk both of you to his car without being seen, his hulking form covering your smaller one.

He's shaking. When Enji puts you in the passenger seat and the car lights momentarily shine everything in an amber glow, rage fills his chest. You are in a dress he has never seen before, he knows it was not yours. He would never allow a thing like that or let you use it in public. Your makeup that before being ruined by your smudging and crying, was heavy and meant to seduce.

He closes your door and gets in the car.

He's shaking.

——

Enji can only control himself enough to not rip the wheel or step on the gas right through the flooring for only three blocks. and thank the gods again for the hour, because he could not quite see the streets in front of him. If they weren't deserted while he drives double the velocity permitted, it would be likely that the fears of his family being again under the cruel and ravenous judgment of the public eye would become reality, although for a completely different reason from the ones he has been dreading until this point.

When he reaches the fourth block, he makes a sudden stop, turning and parking harshly with the front of the car almost all the way over the curb, the tires skidding loudly into the quiet of the night and scaring you out of your still shell shock state. your small sniffles stop when you let out a muted yelp of surprise.

Enji quickly pries his hands that have a death grip on the wheel and smash the roof of the car to turn the lights on in such a way that later he’s impressed he didn't send the entire ceiling flying. As fast as he did that and the darkness of the car is now cast in warm gold, his hands are on your small frame like a striking snake, a big calloused one gripping your face between meaty fingers, squeezing your wet cheeks and the other one in your far shoulder, turning you in his direction with a barely controlled yank. Enji wasn't sure if the shaking was coming from your body or his.

He's frantic, hectic, eyes going up and down your body trying to find anything, something. “Are you hurt? tell me,” His voice is harsh, too loud into the small space. You jump startled, but his grip locks you in place, he doesn't notice.

Why did you come to a party? Why are you dressed like this? Why did you do this?

“Are you?? Someone did something? Gave you something, touched you?” He barks again louder, bending and twisting to be in your face now, eyes scanning all over your body. But again and again, they would be drawn to the too short hem of your dress, from your ruined tearstained makeup and down again to your soft and creamy thighs, trying to find a mark, a scratch, a stain. Anything, something.

“Fucking answer me!”

“Dad please!”

Enji lets you go as if you just slap him in the face. He blinks.

You are shaking. Looking at him in fear, silent tears running down your cheeks. Your jaw is set as you try to hold your whimpers back, his fingers make red marks bloom on your face and arm under his digits.

Memories come back rushing. Phantoms scourging in blue flames.

He releases you as if you burn him.

His hands hover in place, and he doesn't dare to move, still crowding you. Both of you staring at each other in fear and confusion as if something would break.

He slowly backs away, and you keep still. He turns the light off and stares at the road.

Enji couldn't take more things between both of you breaking.

He takes a deep breath. Starts the car again to drive back home.

——

Friday nights are your nights.

Enji doesn't really remember when it started. But he knows it wasn't something that was spoken of or agreed beforehand. It happened once, then twice, then his job got in the way, then thrice, and when he noticed, it was a routine between him and his daughter.

Like most things between both of you, it just… fell into place. And it just felt right.

Endeavor would arrange his schedule in a way so that his Fridays would be empty, any emergency at the agency could be easily solved that way, patrols and hero work set on the weekends so he could come home at a sensible hour, just by dinnertime.

He would be just taking his blazer and shoes off at the entrance when Enji would hear your running steps from the kitchen, your pinky apron-clad figure hushing to meet him with a bright smile, eyes shining.

you would get a hold of his tie and gently tug down for him to bend at the waist to your level, your arms were thrown in a warm hug on his neck and a sweet and lengthy kiss on his cheek after he steps through the threshold. you would giggle against his face from the tickles you got from his stubble while warmly welcoming him, the food still hot on the table.

It was one of your multiple habits together, just the two of you. And it felt right.

It was routine. And it felt so domestic, warm and right.

Friday nights are your nights. After he gets home, you guys have dinner, something you cooked by yourself, sending the older housemaid away earlier.

Sometimes it is a new recipe, sometimes something you already tried before. But it's always good, and when Enji compliments your cooking skills and how much he enjoys it, your cheeks blush red. You daintly try to hide your smile as you thank him, bashful behavior so alluring even when he knows is just a little act, playing coy. There's warmth in his chest.

The lights in the dining room cast everything in this whimsical warm glow and maybe it's the beer, but Enji thinks it reflects lovely on you and the color of your blouse today. He says so.

“Looking so pretty tonight, princess.”

The red on your cheeks grow stronger. From across the table, he hides his smirk behind his can at seeing how you fidget in place, trying to contain your coquettish smile while biting your plush bottom lip. The warmth spreads lower.

Only later it dawns on him. Enji was flirting with his own daughter. And it was a habit.

It was routine.

Enji is sprawled on the big sofa comfortably, already showered and in his sleeping clothes after dinner, the second movie of the night halfway through.

It was a period drama and he tries to pay attention to the main points for your quiz about it the next day, but he was mostly checked out, lulled by the comfy dark of the living room, the buzz of the beers he drank, sleep and your warm body draped over his.

He doesn't really remember when it started, but he knows it was gradually. One day in your Friday movie nights, he notices you were glued on his side, and on the next one you had an arm draped over his torso while both of you were laying on the reclining couch, and since then, you were always over him, arms and thighs and breasts glued to his body, but most of the time cutely laying on his chest.

That night was no different. You are laying on his broad chest, using your arm as leverage to look down and back at the tv in front of the sofa, and for you to not slip he has one big palm over your waist and the other in a secure hook on the slope of your knee, propping your bent leg higher across his stomach. Your breathing matches his, and if not by your little grunts and noises of surprise, the redhead would have thought you had fallen asleep on him. It would not be the first time.

The clothes you are using are small and had hiked up a long time ago, a loose tank top and booty shorts, both of them old and worn out, sleep clothes.

From where he was, he could see all your body over his. From the crown of your head to the slope of your waist as it dipped under his scarred hand. His gaze follows the curve of your thigh draped over his waist to the fat of your ass pointing high. He muses in a daze that he could see the inside of your tank top, the soft swell of a breast making an appearance. He leers.

You move a little, and this time, he can make out the shade of a nipple. It’s pert and small and pretty, and blood rushes to his clothed cock, but is late, and he's tired and buzzed out. It doesn’t connect in his mind.

You move. you are getting yourself higher on his chest. Enji feels small hands wandering under his shirt. Presses of lips on his neck. Wet kisses on the stubble on his jaw.

The soft touches pull him deeper. There's a young and wanton body over his. It’s been so long since he truly touched another, let himself be touched. Smooth lips and an uncertain tongue were kissing him, and he wants to devour them. It’s hot and burns and makes his insides coil, his cock hard and heavy inside his pants. A warm slit humping it.

Could have been the tiredness, the beer, the comfort of the situation, anything really.

Enji kisses you like a man starved. Head moving and ravaging your much smaller mouth with his tongue. His hand yanks your tank top down exposing your breasts, and now he’s pulling and pinching the sweet nipples in a way that makes you moan against his tongue with a voice he couldn't recognize.

His other hand was down at your ass, guiding your movements back and forth on his erection with vigor, the friction against your slit makes you weak, but he keeps you moving, his calloused hand encompassing most of your behind. At each needy thrust his fingers would slide down between the cleft of your ass more and more.

His meaty fingers push the bottons of your shorts aside with a flick of his wrist, and now he's touching directly your puffy lips that are messy and wet all over. Enji growls in your mouth as you moan louder when he starts playing with your pussy, a pitched whine as he flicks your clit up and down, a strong hold on your breast.

A loud bang from the TV is what snaps him back to reality.

It was his daughter.

His daughter was over him. It was his daughter that was humping his cock, that he was sucking her small tongue and tweaking her nipples until he made her squeal.

He jumps to his feet and throws you across the couch.

Different from him, you look wide awake. Flushed face and startled eyes stares up at him, exposed breasts still heaving. Nipples rosy and hard. Between your legs, a glistening trail of where his fingers dragged when he ripped them off of you. Your shorts are drenched.

There's a moment of silence.

Enji snaps. He sprints to his bedroom, leaving you alone in the living room.

He locks his door, drops to the floor, and whips his hard and heavy cock out. in three pumps, thick ropes of cum cover his hand and clothed middle.

Taking big gulps of air trying to calm his breathing, his eyes glancing everywhere in a panic state, he looks down, and spot the wet patch on his clothed thigh. Yours juices that leaked on him. Its still in his other hand, fingers wet.

Enji wants to cry.

He tried to be a good father.

He ruined it again.

#endeavor x reader #Enji Todoroki #Endeavor #Enji todoroki x reader

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fukurodanni · 3 years

Text

love for the rich and emotionally stunted: a comprehensive guide

ch. 1/7 -- prev. -- next. pairing: jumin han x f!reader warnings: n/a series summary: in the months following the incident with his father's most recent paramour, glam choi, the corporate heir of C&R finds himself discovering exactly what it is that makes a person in love so blind. ao3 link

note: office romance slowburn. featuring hallmark tropes and bad flirting. enjoy the ride. hop into my inbox for a tag if you're interested though! kiss kiss.

You don’t mean for it to happen the first time.

Considering the state of your routine and your general efficiency (required when it comes to a job at C&R) it’s easy to say that showing up early is an ingrained habit. It had happened a few times too many when you’d first started working and just sort of stuck. However.

It’s thirty minutes past schedule when you wake up in a state of panic, rushing and grabbing for clothes and keys and wallet before stumbling out the door.

But for as much as you’d worried, it all turns out fine. You’re still on time, a nice man holds the door open for you--you don’t think you’ve seen him before, or maybe you’re so distressed your brain doesn’t recognize the face--and there aren’t any consequences. You don’t get yelled at. You aren’t behind. Really, you should have overslept more often.

So the next day you set your alarm a little later than usual and allow yourself to sleep. It goes much smoother than the day before and you still make it on time, looking much better than you had 24 hours prior. The same man--you think-- holds the door open for you, and you glance back to smile and thank him.

Except you really must have been too stressed to notice because the man you’re staring at is the executive director and immediate heir to C&R.

Your smile falls.

And then you choke out a noise of gratitude that’s supposed to sound like “Thanks,” but the shock in your voice turns it to audible mush. Mr. Han only hums in return and walks past you with all the dignity and poise of a seasoned Calvin Klein model. Your heart hammers with a startling lucidity at the surprise of it all but it isn’t anything that you think much of, so you make it back to your desk on time and it’s all fine, it’s all fine. It isn’t until about an hour later that you realize it’s probably the first time you’ve seen him so close in person.

Not that it matters, of course, but then it does - because it happens again.

And again, and again.

The routine continues for about a week: the “thank you,” the hum of a response, and no further conversation besides that at the door. You’ve gotten to catch longer glimpses of him as this routine has gone on, the shine of his hair, this grey of his eyes, but there’s something that intrigues you infinitely more. You haven’t gotten him to smile and it nags at you, incessant. So you’re determined to do it now.

You crack a joke about his consistency the next time you see him, a smile playing coy at your lips. He just hums again. Killjoy.

“What?”

“What?” You ask, turning on your heel. His voice is much deeper than in the press interviews.

“Were you calling me a killjoy?”

“Not intentionally, no.” You quip back, face feeling hot. You turn again and begin walking back, nursing the humiliation you can already feel pricking at your nerves. “Have a nice day, Mr. Han.”

You think he says something like “You too,” but you wouldn’t notice it over the rush in your ears.

That went well.

Another day passes, another routine, rinse and repeat. He doesn’t seem bothered by yesterday’s incident, so you’re planning to talk to him again tomorrow, just to give it a day in between. It’s going to get annoying soon, but he’s neither fired nor closed the door in your face so in all situations, it really is a win-win.

Jumin Han opens the door for you, wordlessly as ever. You spare a glance at him.

“I’d considered arriving late just to get a reaction out of you, and then I realized that I wouldn’t even be there to see it.” You quirk your head in wait, watching as the corners of his lips twitch into an unwitting smile.

Mirth is very becoming on him, you realize. Oh no.

“I’m sure it would be quite the sight, Miss.” He replies, that same almost-smile creasing a dimple into his cheek. When he nods his good morning and walks off to the tippity-top of the C&R building, all the office lights seem a little brighter in the wake.

You shake yourself from your musings and an intern is already brushing past you in their hurry to return to their place-- wherever that may be, and it reminds you to do the same. C&R International, with all its focus on exports, has a wide breadth when it comes to fashion. Having directed several of its projects, you know this firsthand. You also know that when your schedule isn’t filled to the brim, everything else seems like busywork.

For the first time in a few months you feel like a regular, 9-to-5 office worker.

Additionally, this means that you’ve returned to being hyped up on watery coffee all the time. The building’s cafeteria is a modern marvel in and of itself, overpriced as its food may be. Your break is just long enough for you to catch two-thirds of a meal and a conversation if the mood strikes, otherwise a whole meal and a moment to catch up on social media. Having just passed the two-thirds-meal mark, you’re surprised to see someone else approaching your seat.

Funnily, horribly enough, it’s Mr Han himself, who’s looking at you with the same unbidden curiosity that a child might grant a particularly fascinating caterpillar.

“You work here,” he says, without greeting. It’s an innocent enough statement.

Did he not know? That you work here? Was he under the impression that you’d just started showing up for his own personal amusement and one-sided banter at the beginning of the month?

“Uh,” you say. “Yes.”

He blinks at you. You think for a moment that he might fire you on the spot. You don’t know why.

“I have a lanyard,” you say dumbly, holding it up. You wave it around a little. Mr Han nods, looking professional as ever. “I see,” he says. “Work hard.” And then he leaves, Italian leather on polished marble and all. You still need to finish the rest of your salad.

It’s almost ironic, the fact that you arrive late the next day.

After the strange half-encounter with Mr. Han, you’ve given yourself a moment of contemplation. Surely if the man hadn’t given a second thought to you besides your shared mornings-- not even a minute, besides-- then there wouldn’t be any point in pursuing him any further. He hadn’t even realized you worked there, not really.

Office romances never work out, anyhow.

You don’t even know if it was an office romance that you were pursuing in the first place. Perhaps it would have been nice, just to have another friend at work. Not that you were lacking, only that everyone had already seemed to settle in their routines and you’d been so busy, and well. Some things work out that way, and it’s not like you’re awful at small talk.

You’re running to the door of the office building, shoes clacking noisily against the pavement. You have to open the door for yourself this time.

“I thought you were kidding about arriving late to see my reaction.”

You think your neck just about cracks with the speed you turn to the noise. Mr Han stands not two meters from you, head tilted curiously in that same innocent wonder. He looks sort of sheepish, though you can’t quite figure why.

“I’m, uh--” You stare at him then, really take him in. Nothing comes. “I’m late for work.”

His eyes widen a fraction. And then he starts chuckling, softly, and it’s petrichor after rain, a deep tenor from low in his throat that has you suddenly, instantly warm. It isn’t much, not really.

But then you start laughing too, familiar and gleeful and it’s almost like you weren’t having a deep monologue about him that spanned most of last night. When you meet his eyes again, warm like the earth, it’s enough to boil hope in you, sunlight spilling over.

You don’t know for what yet, but you figure it’s something you’d like to find out.

tags: @vandysgf @banenaz @mrs-han thank u!

#jumin han x reader #jumin x reader #mystic messenger x reader #jumin han x mc #jumin x mc #mystic messenger fluff #mysme x reader #my writing #lftr&ems #emu writes #WC: 1.3K

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youwerenevermeanttofeelalone · 3 years

Text

Strangers | Joaquín Torres

✦ pairing — Joaquín Torres x female!Plus Size Reader

✦ word count — 5.8k (I’m sorry, I don’t have much self-control left)

✦ loosely based on the song Strangers by Mallory Merk

✦ request — I’d like to ask for something where Bucky and the reader are roommates but she’s younger (Joaquin’s age) and one day Sam and Joaquin are there for whatever reason and that’s how Joaquin and Reader meet and they get along (and flirt obv) and Bucky is like a protective older brother and Sam vouches for him but Bucky doesn’t loosen up until Joaquin saves reader from danger or does something nice for her

✦ warnings — angst, awkwardness, Bucky acting like a jealous brother, mentions of beverages and food, light depictions of anxious worry, fluff.

════════════════════════

Bucky and you were in the middle of discussing whether you should adopt a cat or not when a rhythmic knock on the door interrupted the urgent conversation.

“Are you expecting someone?” he asked, eager to go back to the pressing matter at hand.

“You know I am not. I didn’t order anything either...”

Bucky sighed. “I’ll check.”

“No!” You stood up abruptly from the couch. “You’ll scare whoever is behind the door off like you scared our poor neighbor.”

“Can you let that one go?”

“Nope,” you replied as you crossed the small living room.

You would never. The lady still tried to hide from him when she saw him down the hallway which was hilarious because it wasn’t due to the fact that he had famously been The Winter Soldier but because he grumpily opened the door when she needed a favor and closed it on her face.

As you opened the door, you found two attractive men standing in the doorway.

“Is Barnes here?”

“Oh, God. What did he do now?”

“I didn’t do anything!” he exclaimed in your ear, making you jump.

“Jesus, Bucky.”

“Sorry.” He then acknowledged one of the men in front of you, the one who had asked for him, “What’s wrong, Sam?”

“Can we come in?”

Both Bucky and you moved out of the way so the pair of handsome men could come inside.

“So you’re the roommate?” Sam asked.

“I am.”

“And you don’t think he’s the most annoying person you’ve ever met?”

“No. Should I?”

“Hey!”

“I’m joking, I’m joking.”

“I’m Sam Wilson,” your interrogator introduced himself properly. “And this is Joaquín Torres.”

“Nice to meet you.” You smiled at Sam, then at Joaquín who smiled back.

Bucky cleared his throat.

Sam looked tense as he ominously said, “We need your help.”

“Give us some privacy, sweetheart,” Bucky told you.

You retreated to your bedroom, wondering what the secrecy could be about. You knew who Bucky was, what we had done, and everything in between.

And sure, some people thought you were crazy for being his roommate, but you weren’t scared of him. You trusted him and cared about him. In the few months you had gotten to know him he had become an important person in your life, one of your best friends.

His visitors didn’t stay for too long. You hadn’t even gotten comfortable on your bed after having put on a tv show to have something on the background when you heard the front door close.

A couple of minutes later, Bucky knocked on your door and opened it just enough to ask if he could come in.

He sat on your bed, fixing his eyes on your desk.

”So...” you broke the silence, “should I be worried?”

“No.”

“Bucky. Look at me.”

He turned to the side, fully facing you. “What?”

“You don’t have to hide things from me or coddle me.”

“I know. But it’s nothing that can’t be fixed,” he assured you.

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He gave you a small smile. “Now, about that cat...”

════════════════════════

After a long week of work, you found yourself relieved to have the apartment just for you. Bucky was a lovely roommate, you just wanted an alone moment.

Saturdays were usually the day you had the apartment for yourself, Bucky had a strict routine until something extraordinary happened and you were comfortable with adapting to it.

To your luck, somebody knocked on the door. You hoped it was somebody looking for the neighbor or something because you weren’t in the mood for people.

Your mood, however, did a 180 as soon as you opened the door.

Joaquín gave you a small smile. “Good evening, (Name).”

Why did he have to come by when you were in sweats and an old t-shirt?! You smiled at him. “Hi.”

“Is Bucky home?”

“No. But he should be back in a couple of hours.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll wait for him outside.”

“Do you want a cup of coffee?” you asked. A part of you wanted to be polite, the other wanted to chat for a little bit. “I just started a batch.”

“Uh—“ Joaquín cleared his throat. “I would really like that.”

You motioned for him to come in. His eyes fixed on you as he did, but for some reason, you didn’t feel uncomfortable. There seemed to be no malice in his eyes.

“Free day?” he made small talk.

“Yeah. I actually don’t work on weekends.”

He shifted in order to face you and asked more about your job. You hoped it wasn’t part of his small talk anymore.

As the conversation progressed, you were sure it had been. His gaze remained on you whether he was speaking or listening, interest never wavering as he found more things to ask about you.

His eyes were such a peculiarity and you couldn’t understand why. Brown eyes were common, you had seen them thousands of times.

“I think the coffee’s ready,” he murmured.

“Right!” You abashedly stood up, smoothing your t-shirt as though it really mattered anymore.

“Do you need help?”

You shook your head. “I’ve got it.”

Glancing at him as you poured the beverages, you saw him staring at you too. Either you weren’t being subtle and were making him uncomfortable or he wasn’t being subtle either. Both options were terrifying.

You walked slowly towards the living room and put both cups down. “Sugar?”

“Please.”

As you went back to the kitchen, you checked the state of your hair on the microwave. Deciding there was nothing you could do to it, you left it as it was and took the container of sugar in your grasp along with a teaspoon.

You placed the sugar container on the table. “Cream?”

“No, thank you.”

Joaquín sweetened his coffee as you sat down next to him once again.

“You don’t like it with cream either?”

“No. I only remember to buy it for Bucky.”

Giving you his entire attention back, Joaquín lifted both eyebrows. “He takes his coffee with cream?”

“Oh, yeah.” You nodded enthusiastically. “I was as shocked as you are.”

“My grandma loved coffee with milk. She added so much that I don’t think it was coffee anymore.”

“Did you ever try it?”

“I didn’t. Well, maybe as a kid?” He tilted his head as he tried to remember. “I would prepare her coffee all the time...”

“That’s so sweet.”

He took a sip of coffee. So did you. For a moment both of you remained silent, and although it wasn’t uncomfortable you found yourself wanting to ask more about him.

You were out of practice in terms of social interaction. It was terrifying to admit, but the fear only made it truer. The blip changed and ruined lives, and while you were getting back on your feet, you still found yourself socially and emotionally stunted at times.

Joaquín didn’t seem to mind the silence. You wondered if he sought it.

Peacefulness and silence didn’t last. The front door opened unexpectedly and Bucky’s heavy steps cut the harmony of Joaquín’s and your breathing.

“I didn’t know you would be coming over,” Bucky grumbled.

Joaquín jumped off his seat. He took the file in his grasp and handed it to Bucky. “Sam wanted me to give you this.”

Humming, Bucky opened the folder. He gave the contents a quick read, then closed it again. “Well, you gave it to me already.”

“Right. Uhmmm...” Joaquín turned to the side and lightly bowed. “Thank you for the coffee, (Name).”

“Anytime,” you said, voice too enthusiastic even for your liking.

Joaquín gave you another smile before leaving the apartment, causing your face to flush.

You attempted to entertain yourself by washing the cups, but you still couldn’t believe you had spoken like a teenager with a crush.

Bucky leaned onto the wall. “I saw the way you were looking at Torres.”

“With my eyes?” you teased.

“With too much enthusiasm.”

“He’s cute,” you admitted as you twisted to look at him.

“Nope, not happening.”

“Not happening what?” Feigning innocence never worked with him, but you still liked trying. However, his glare told you this wasn’t the time to be playful. “Bucky, come on, I just admired the view. It’s not like I’m planning on running after him to ask him to marry me.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“Do you believe me capable of asking somebody I barely know to marry me?” As soon as the question left your mouth, you added, “You know what? Don’t answer that.”

“He gave you the same eyes you were giving him,” Bucky said grumpily.

“He did?”

“Can you be serious for a moment?”

“Oh, Buck, I’m being more than serious.”

He rolled his eyes. “Is this my first time seeing you with a crush?”

“Do you find it charming?”

“You weren’t this cocky with him.”

“Were you eavesdropping?!”

“I thought you had another type of company. Wanted to make sure it was safe to come in.”

“That’s such a bad excuse.”

“Not as bad as your flirting.”

“Just because you used to be a good flirt doesn’t mean you still are. Be humble, Barnes.”

“I’m still better than you.”

You stuck your tongue out. “I’ll become the best flirt in the world. You’ll see.”

“Absolutely not. And Torres is off limits!”

“Awww, do you want him for yourself? Can I have Sam then?”

“You don’t even know him!”

“Sam or Joaquín?”

“Joaquín,” he grumbled.

“Whose fault is that? I couldn’t even get his number because you had to show authority or whatever macho bullshit is clouding your judgment.”

“My judgment isn’t clouded.”

“You need to get laid so I can get laid.”

“What’s wrong with taking things slow? The last date I went on was a disaster.”

“Nothing,” you assured him. “I just think you need to de-stress, have some clarity and see I just have a mild crush.”

“Mild?”

“Yeah. I was kinda intense in high school.” You feigned a shudder. “Dark times.”

“What about college?”

“We don’t talk about that. I had terrible taste.”

“See?”

You tried another approach, “We’re acting like children and I’m pretty sure we are adults. I pay taxes, dude, I can have a crush on whoever I want.”

“Of course. You’re a big girl.”

You could tell he was only going with your flow. But you would take it.

════════════════════════

Bucky sat in front of Sam. Brows furrowed as he went through the same file Joaquín had given him a few days ago.

He didn’t like the idea of going after anybody. He had left violence to the side already. Did this count as ruining it all so soon?

Glancing at Sam, who was expectantly watching him, Bucky sighed. “What about (Name)? What should I tell her?”

“I could send Torres—“

“NO.”

“Barnes,” Sam sighed, “you know we can trust him.”

“For this type of stuff. Not with (Name). You didn’t see the way he was looking at her the last time.”

“He might have a crush,” Sam conceded, “but you’re acting like he wants to murder her.”

“He might,” Bucky said without really meaning it.

Sam crossed his arms. “Do you like her or something?”

“Not like that,” Bucky replied, almost offended. “She’s like a sister to me, Sam. I care about her, I want to protect her.”

“By not letting her see people?”

“You don’t get it.”

“No, I do. And I know damn well this isn’t the right way to do it.”

Bucky scowled, yet knowing Sam wanted to say something else, remained quiet.

“Think about this. You’re worried something will happen to her while we do this, and I’m telling you Torres could keep her safe but you’re being childish because you think you should act like a jealous brother.”

“What if he breaks her heart? Huh? What then? She likes him!”

“He’s nice, of course she likes him! You should be glad he likes her too, dumbass.”

“She’s not ready to date people.”

Sam rolled his eyes.

Bucky shifted in his seat. “I’m not trying to be a dick, Sam. She’s been through hell.”

“Something might not even happen between them, you’re jumping to conclusions way too quickly.” Sam then added, “Unless both are into fast dating in which case things would be fine too.”

“You don’t know that. He could hurt her.”

“You already managed to run a background check on him and—“

Bucky interrupted, “How do you know?”

Sam nonchalantly shrugged. “I’d do the same.”

Bucky hung his head, staring down at the file on the small table. “Can I beat him up if he does something he shouldn’t?”

“He won’t.”

“But can I?”

“Will you shut up if I say yes?”

“Maybe.”

Sam withdrew his phone, tapped the screen a couple of times and brought the device to his ear. “Torres. Are you busy?”

Bucky huffed through his nose and then went back to read the file for the hundredth time.

════════════════════════

The forecast that morning had forced you to carry an umbrella and a jacket that you ultimately had to shed. It rarely rained around your workplace; you couldn’t say the same about your apartment.

You weren’t sure what type of natural phenomenon was at play —or fault, really— but you were not happy about it.

Hoping you hadn’t forgotten to close your bedroom window, you quietly wished your coworkers a good night and made your way towards the exit.

You found a face you seemed to see everywhere. Mostly due to your daydreams, but who could blame you apart from Bucky?

Joaquín slid his right hand off his pocket and waved at you.

Waving back, you approached him. “What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t home so I contacted Sam so he could ask where you could be and Bucky said you worked here so I came here.”

You couldn’t hide your smile upon hearing his convoluted explanation. “I imagined as much. What I meant with my question is why are you here?”

“Oh! I’m making sure you get home safe.”

You frowned. “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “But we don’t want to take any risks.”

You didn’t know who was we exactly although you could assume he was talking about Bucky. And about himself. The realization made your stomach flip.

“Are we walking?”

“I drove here,” he explained, hesitating to make the first move towards his car.

You gave the first step forward, getting slightly closer to him. A whiff of his cologne hit you and just like that it was gone. He started walking too.

“Had a nice day?”

“It wasn’t too bad. How about you?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary.”

You wanted to oh so badly ask what his ordinary was. Fuck, it was like you were having a crush for the first time all over again.

“So... are you staying at mine or...?”

“I’ll sleep here in the car.”

“There’s a couch right there. Kinda comfy if you ask me...”

“I don’t want to intrude.”

“Please, you’ll be there because of me, it’s the least I can do.”

“It’s no problem,” he hurried to assure you.

The streets looked different from the car. Bigger. You were so used to public transport, to see people from afar — to perceive everything from the perspective of somebody trapped in a box that had been created to make things easier for them.

You didn’t feel small per se, yet people looked bigger too. It was as though you had forgotten that people outside of your bubble existed.

Friends were almost nonexistent in a world that still was trying to recover from a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

The people you considered friends kept their distance from you and each other because they didn’t have other choice. Work, school for those privileged enough, debt, grief... all those things got in the way. And perhaps it was better that way for now. Everybody needed to heal.

An empty hallway greeted you. It wasn’t too late, but your neighbors kept mostly to themselves. Bucky preferred it that way.

You pushed the door open after unlocking the two locks, allowing Joaquín to get in first.

He shed his dripping jacket, bashfully hanging it on the coat hanger.

“Can I offer you anything to drink or eat?” you asked, placing your belongings next to the couch.

“Whatever you’ll be having.”

You tugged the fridge door open. “Are you allergic to anything?”

“Not that I know of.” He approached you, leaning on the kitchen bar. “Surprise me?”

“Oh, yeah, I will. With a visit to the ER.”

“Hey, it’d be a surprise nonetheless.”

You giggled and took a glance at him. The ghost of a smile crept into his face before he started laughing too.

“You don’t have a boyfriend that would get mad at me for staying here, do you?”

You chuckled. “No.”

“Are you even into guys?”

“I am.”

“That’s good.” Realizing he had sounded too happy, he added, “I mean... it would also be good if you weren’t, obviously.”

“I get what you meant.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, it’s cool.”

“Cool.”

Neither of you stopped smiling. You only moved when the fridge’s door alarm interrupted.

You ended up ordering takeout and talking to him past midnight.

But not every night was lighthearted. Such a thing was true to life and to this particular week.

Joaquín was a good distraction before and after work, but the moment the time to say goodnight arrived, worry heaved on your entire body.

You tiptoed your way towards the kitchen, desperate for a glass of water. Hoping the stream of water wouldn’t make too much noise, you filled the glass and stood in the middle of the kitchen, slowly drinking it.

“Can’t sleep?”

You jumped, splashing water onto you and in consequence the floor. A couple of days or so weren’t enough for you to be completely used to Joaquín’s voice. Albeit nice, it was still new.

He turned the light on. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

You clumsily placed the glass on the counter. “It’s okay. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Sleep was elusive, something you had assumed was in the past. Insomnia had been your loyal friend throughout the blip, then grief joined.

Bucky was the closest thing you had to a family now. What if you had to grieve him too?

As though he had been reading your mind, Joaquín softly said, “He’ll be okay.”

“You sound so sure...”

“He’s strong and skilled. Sam is too.”

“I’m scared,” you confessed. “I don’t wanna be all alone again.”

He placed his hand on your shoulder. It almost burned you. “You won’t be.”

You pursed your lips. You had heard that one many times before.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just... you know...” You started laughing instead of truly explaining yourself.

But you didn’t need to explain anything. “It’s okay, everything will be okay.”

You laughed again, louder this time, nodding because what else could you say? That you couldn’t believe him if you wanted to?

He looked at you with worry. “Do you have any tea?”

You nodded once more, unable to speak as you continue laughing and pointing to the top cupboard.

“I’ll fix you a cup.”

Crying out of laughter, you sat at the small table, leaning on your forearms as you tried to watch him — the tears didn’t allow you to truly assess the damage.

Said tears worried you. The last time you had properly cried seemed to have been too long ago to be healthy.

Then again, not many people were in a healthy position as of now.

Before you could even realize what was going on, Joaquín softly set a cup on the table. “Sorry for not adding sugar, I didn’t think it was a good idea.”

Embarrassed due to the fact that you couldn’t stop laughing, you avoided his eyes and wrapped your fingers around the cup. “Thank you,” you mumbled.

“Hey,” he said softly, “it’s no problem, okay?”

You hummed, inhaling the scent of the tea before taking a small sip.

He made you company as you drank the hot beverage at your own pace. In complete silence, trying to hide from you that he was playing with his fingers under the table.

“Better?”

“I think so.”

“Do you need anything else?”

“I don’t know.”

“You have work tomorrow...”

How could you forget? You stood up with the cup in your grasp and went into the kitchen to wash it.

“I can wake you up for work if you want,” he offered.

“My alarm is loud enough.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said as if he was just remembering, “I’ve heard it.”

You huffed a laugh. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

Before he could turn around, you called for him, “Joaquín?”

“Yes?”

“Would you keep me company until I fall asleep?”

“Of course.”

It felt strange to have somebody that wasn’t Bucky in your bedroom. Joaquín curiously eyed the room while you got comfortable in the bed — his eyes eventually landed on you.

He gripped your desk chair and took it out.

Before he would sit down, you told him, “You can sit on the bed if you prefer. That chair ruined my back.”

Considering the offer, he approached the bed, slowly as he looked at you in case you changed your mind.

You patted the empty space. “I don’t bite.”

Tentatively sitting down, he asked, “Why haven’t you changed the chair?”

“I like the color.”

He softly laughed. “It’s pretty,” he agreed. “Looks nice with your decoration.”

“Thank you.”

His hand brushed your forearm as the two of you shifted at the same time. Your face heated up, and now you wondered if his palm contrasted the softness of the back of his hand.

Joaquín cleared his throat. “Try to sleep,” he whispered, “I’ll be here.”

You took a deep breath before closing your eyes. Focusing on trying to remember what you had been thinking before falling asleep the last time you got some rest, you got lost in your own head.

The door creaked as it was pushed open. Bucky opened his mouth.

Joaquín brought his index finger to his closed lips, signaling for Bucky to not make a sound.

Joaquín looked down at your form, still fast asleep. Your head was on his shoulder, face semi-buried in his t-shirt.

Bucky watched as Joaquín softly removed your head from his shoulder, delicately making it rest onto the pillow — he then left the bed in silence and tucked you into the covers before leaving the room.

”Everything in order?”

Bucky grumbled in affirmation. “What was that?”

“She was worried about you. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Nothing else?”

Joaquín shook his head, hoping he was managing to mask his disappointment.

Bucky hummed. “Thank you, Joaquín. For everything.”

“It was no problem.”

Joaquín collected his few belongings in a minute, taking a glance at the ajar door that separated your bedroom from the lounge area.

“Bucky...”

“Mmh?”

“Could you text me when she wakes up or if she needs anything?”

Bucky stood silent for a few seconds. Seconds that for Joaquín felt like hours. “I will. Go home.”

════════════════════════

Having Bucky back at home was relieving. Except for the fact that he looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to spill it.

“Is there anything you want to say?” you yelled from the couch.

He stopped chopping carrots to lift his head. “Did you get Torres’s number?”

Turning the TV off, you pushed yourself to a sitting position and eventually left the couch.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Have you called him?”

“I sent him a meme.” You extended your hand, taking a piece of carrot. “He laughed and sent one back.”

“I assumed you would have asked for his hand in marriage by the time I would be back.”

“Ha ha, you’re so funny.”

Bucky snorted. You munched on your cube of carrot.

“Maybe you’re reading too much into it. He’s genuinely nice, you know? People can be friends regardless of gender.”

“What happened to wanting to get laid?”

“I doubt it’s mutual.”

“He likes you and you like him. That’s practically the definition of mutualism.”

“You said he was off-limits,” you accused.

“He isn’t anymore.”

“I didn’t get the memo.”

“Don’t get grumpy with me.”

“I’m not grumpy.” You pouted. “But what if he doesn’t like me that way? He’s a really nice person, maybe that’s it.”

“Oh my God,” Bucky exhaled, shaking his head. “You’re impossible.”

You whined, “Buuuuuuuuucky. Don’t be mean.”

“Don’t act obtuse then.”

“I haven’t dated anybody in years. I don’t know how to do it. He’s fun to talk to, don’t get me wrong — I’m the problem.” You sighed dramatically. “We should throw a pity party for me,” you sarcastically said.

“Why do you think I’m making lasagna?”

“I honestly thought Sam was coming over for dinner.”

Bucky blushed due to his inability to be subtle which was the most shocking thing you had learned about him.

Truth to be told, Bucky’s words stayed in your mind for days. You continued casually texting Joaquín, not sure if you should ask him out or let it go.

You wanted to, and it wouldn’t be the first time you had made the first move — that didn’t bother you. What bothered you was the mere idea of asking him out too soon.

Seeing your phone light up with Joaquín’s name and a message attached to it genuinely improved your day every single time.

It was so hard not to be in his orbit when apart from being handsome he was so nice and easy to talk to.

You liked him, you really did. You also liked that things didn’t feel awkward with him when you knew they would’ve been unbearable with somebody else. It was liberating.

Are you home?

Nope.

If you were looking for Bucky, he’s out on a date.

I know. But I’m not here to see him.

You’re there?

Yeah. I’ve been here for a few minutes now.

I’m having drinks with my coworkers. Two of them are celebrating their birthday. I can ditch if you need anything.

I wanted to see you.

I also wanted to ask...

Are you busy next Saturday?

Your heart skipped a beat. I’m not.

Eyes glued to the three dots that signaled he was typing, you finished your drink in a single swig.

Would you go out with me?

You can pick wherever we go, I don’t mind.

I would love to!

Was the exclamation mark too much?

Fuck, you felt like a teenager again.

And I don’t mind if you pick.

Why don’t we make that decision later?

Sounds good to me.

Sorry for making you wait outside for nothing.

I’m the one who appeared unannounced, but it’s okay. I got almost everything I wanted.

You’re making not ditching really hard right now.

Good to know I’m doing something right.

But you should hang out with your coworkers.

And be careful. If you remember, text me when you get home.

It was stupidly hard not to be smitten by him.

════════════════════════

“For the millionth time, you look fine.”

You glared at Bucky.

“He’s right,” Sam assured you from the couch. “You look fine, and it’s just a casual date. You’ll be okay.”

“Just a casual date?” you asked in a high pitch that surprised the three of you.

“He’s seen you in the morning already,” Bucky reminded you, lifting his eyebrows. “I don’t understand why you’re so nervous.”

“I’m not nervous,” you defended yourself. “I’ve had these jeans for literal years and I’m scared I’m gonna rip them.”

“Take a jacket or coat with you just in case.” Sam offered the solution immediately.

You did as Sam suggested and carried your favorite jacket over your forearm.

In contrast to what you saw every morning, there wasn’t a single familiar face in the subway. As you checked the time to make sure you wouldn’t be late, you saw that one of your other friends had wished you good luck on your date.

The fact that somebody apart from Bucky —and Sam— openly wanted you to succeed at something outside of work improved your mood. You had lied to Bucky earlier regarding being nervous, less due to embarrassment, and more because you didn’t want to admit you were scared of still not knowing how to handle things when they went wrong.

Rejection was easier to take in comparison to the way things crumble after they seem to be going well. Rejection is quick, it eventually passes — regret and what-ifs potentially stay forever. You had the scars to prove it.

You had to walk a couple of blocks from the station to the place you would meet Joaquín at. The area was new to you, colorful and lively from what looked to be brand new businesses.

Upon arriving at the diner, you understood why Joaquín had chosen that place. It wasn’t crowded by any means, but it looked far from empty. It was the perfect middle ground for a first date.

Such observation didn’t ease up your nerves, yet giddiness couldn’t stop itself from bubbling up.

“Oh!” he exclaimed from behind you. “I was about to text you.”

You turned around. “I just got here.”

Joaquín silently stared at you, taking a shaky breath and bobbing his head open and closed.

He settled for a short compliment, easier to say than the jumbled mess of euphoric reactions he internalized, “You look great.”

“I—“ You weren’t expecting that. “Thank you. You look really nice.”

You might have been selling it short, he looked as handsome as ever and more — but you didn’t want to sound intense or say too much and scare him off.

He looked down for a moment, trying to fight the warmth crawling up his skin. “Thank you,” he said quietly before looking up once again.

His bashfulness was a good sign, it would be less awkward if both of you felt the same way about the prospect of a first date.

“I found this place by mistake a few weeks ago,” he told you as he opened the door for you. “Their coffee is great.”

He let you choose the table, arguing that it was your first there and he wanted you to have the best experience. You appreciated his effort.

Bucky and Sam mentioned you could come across as being uncomfortable around others, he must’ve been under the same impression.

In all fairness, it was less about being uncomfortable and more about being scared of oversharing.

“Are you a big coffee guy?”

“Kind of. I’m used to instant coffee even though I don’t like it so I try a different one every time I can.”

“I have a coworker who is obsessed with that stuff.” You chuckled. “But they drink it cold.”

Joaquín huffed a laugh. “It might taste better like that.”

The conversation deviated from mindless small talk to work, and then to your interests — it was refreshing to know you shared a few and even more so to find he was open to giving things he didn’t know a try.

After eating, the two of you decided to take a walk just so you could talk some more.

Your hand brushed his by mistake. Joaquín looked down. He pressed the back of his hand against yours, momentarily pushing his fingers between yours.

“Is that okay?”

“Yes.”

He pulled away then slid his hand under yours. Clasping his palm against yours, he stared at your face in search of your reaction. “How about that?”

“Also yes.”

He smiled. “Good thing I listened to Sam when he said I wasn’t imagining things and you were into me too.”

“You know, I almost made the first move.”

“What stopped you?”

You shrugged. “Maybe I would have drunkenly asked you out if you hadn’t beat me to it.”

He hummed yet made no further comment.

“You don’t believe me?”

“I do, I do!”

“Buuuuuuut?”

“It took us a while to exchange phone numbers. Imagine if it had taken us the same to go out?”

“Oh God, we would be stuck third-wheeling Sam and Bucky.”

“I’m so sorry you have no escape from that,” he joked.

“I just hope they never have sex when I’m in the apartment or I will need therapy I can’t afford.”

He lightly squeezed your hand. “I’ll rescue you, don’t worry.”

It was your turn to smile. “I’ll take that as a sign that I’ll be seeing you again.”

“As long as you don’t see it as a threat...”

You giggled. “I would never.”

According to the blog posts you read online, guys seemed to like it when the other person assured them they had a good time with them. You hoped he had gotten the hint.

In case he hadn’t, you said, “There was this coffee shop near my childhood home that I used to love... They had the best chocolate cake I’ve ever tasted and the coffee was delicious too. I heard it reopened...”

“We should go there next time.”

“Sounds good. I haven’t visited the neighborhood in a while.”

“Any reason in particular?”

“I don’t know anybody around there anymore.”

It was getting late and you knew your time together would be over. At least for tonight.

He walked you toward the subway station, swinging your intertwined hands. The conversation didn’t seem to end, he could thread on any topic and you would’ve listened to him until his voice was hoarse and his throat dry.

You couldn’t leave without properly telling him what a great time you had. It was too soon to know what would happen, you weren’t naive, but you also really fucking liked him.

“I had a great time,” you reassured him. “Thank you.”

“Me too. I hope it repeats soon.”

You did too. All those nerves had thankfully paid off.

He scratched the back of his head with his free hand. “I’m sorry if I’m being too forward, but... can I kiss you?”

“You’re not being too forward.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes.”

Joaquín licked his bottom lip and cupped your cheek with a hand. His other one tightly held yours, giving you time. You wetted your lips too. Then he leaned in and kissed you.

You basked in the kiss’s bliss. Short, sweet, perfect in every single aspect. The kind of human contact you had longed for years and had been too scared to look for.

His eyes were on you as you opened your own — shining with a happy glint.

“You’re even prettier from up-close,” he commented lowly, hand still on your face.

Your gaze fell to his wrist for a second. Then you held his. “I could say the same to you.”

“Thank God.” He giggled.

“You said you needed to wake up early tomorrow...” you said, much to your own dismay. You didn’t want to be selfish.

“I’ll wait for your train to get here.”

And so he did, and you almost cursed the stupid giant can when it arrived.

You reluctantly let go of his hand. “Text me when you get home just so I know you arrived safely, yeah?”

He nodded. “Promise.”

“Goodnight.”

He kissed your cheek. “Goodnight.”

#joaquin torres x reader #joaquin torres x plus size reader #joaquin torres

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ramblingguy54 · 3 years

Text

Edalyn Clawthorne: A Loner Created Through Tragedy

Seeing what happened to Edalyn’s father in Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door greatly explains why she looked so saddened by Lilith talking about hanging around their dad more by Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances conclusion. She harbors a lot of guilt in scratching his face up badly from years ago. After an incident like that for someone around an age that young in their life definitely contributed to Eda’s resolve of keeping herself away from others not just solely because of her own ideals about magic and how to properly use it, but also to prevent more people from getting badly hurt because of the owl curse, too. It’s sad to look back on what Lilith said to her mother, “Mom, I heard you, but I couldn’t stop myself.”, because that’s exactly what Eda went through when she attacked her dad.

No matter what her father could’ve said it wouldn’t have reached Edalyn, due to not having much experience with controlling the curse at that time. The amount of guilt running through Edalyn’s mind after coming back to her senses must’ve been unbearable as Hell. It’s already bad enough when hurting random people under a nasty spell, but to injure someone who helped bring you into the world? Anyone would want to put a large gap between themselves after such an awful experience of this magnitude. Season 2 of The Owl House has been doing a lot of great things in its story, such as showing more of Eda’s vulnerability being the point of my post I’d like to delve more into about.

Eda’s development of opening up emotionally more in Season 1 was certainly good, however we didn’t get a real look into what makes Edalyn who she is as a whole. Season 2 has been allowing more in-depth exploration about why she guards herself as frequently as possible from others. It isn’t a matter of, “I like being a loner, who lives by their own rules about how our world operates.”, rather it centers around, “I’m a bad influence and don’t want to hurt others I care deeply about, or even possibly could grow to, because of my cursed affliction.”. Gwendolyn stating her curse was something that should be cut it out if need be certainly didn’t help in contributing to Eda’s loner nature she develop onward. These moments made her feel ashamed as if she didn’t deserve to be apart something greater like a family, having friends, or finding her own respective lover to boot.

Eda’s long amount of solitude made her into a more powerfully independent and capable person, magically speaking, but it came at a serious cost of something important, one’s own self-esteem. The curse stunted Eda’s emotional growth for a very long while in having to take up the mantle of being unable to face her fears head on. Even in spite of her lesson to Raine about not running away from your own demons, the saying of practice what you preach rang unfortunately true here. Edalyn has been a very closed off person for so many years, where the idea of having to present yourself to someone else, warts and all, scared this witch away into living in seclusion at her Owl House. Despite gaining a family eventually through Luz & King, Eda never told them about her curse until it happened, wasn’t big on showing affection, and struggled with teaching Luz consistently in a good chunk of Season 1.

Eda’s biggest challenge to overcome has been actually letting people into her life which costed her a healthy social lifestyle, became distant toward the Clawthorne family tree, and resulted in Raine calling off their romantic relationship. They were tired of Eda’s distant attitude in not being able to commit emotionally with expressing more of her compassion, vulnerability, or love either. This is something problematic Eda’s Requiem did explore too when King wanted to speak with Eda, yet she kept on either changing the subject last second, or made up a convenient excuse to hold off on discussing this matter. Edalyn was afraid of change because she had finally become used to King being around for so long. Knowing Luz would have to leave inevitably hurt already, so now finding out King possibly wanted to go find his actual father and stay there with him instead scared Eda outta her mind in facing a reality without the both of them.

Change is a word for Eda that’s a thing she never wants to hear. It’s why she makes the decisions that went on to define her serious solitude. Eda is used to being alone without having to rely on much of anyone else, but that doesn’t mean she obviously has enjoyed it, either. Edalyn only lived in seclusion because she thought it was necessary for safety reasons not outta love for a hermit lifestyle. The tragedy of Eda’s personal background is she allowed this curse to rule over her life for those three decades. Now, to be fair, Gwendolyn contributed to Eda’s baggage with viewing her curse as a disgusting attribute does indeed share the blame here in these events, but regardless Edalyn made unwise decisions she clearly regrets. The biggest ones being not letting anyone, as seen with Raine, get closer to her and avoiding changes to a status quo in Eda’s complicated life. What happened to Eda’s dad was obviously not her fault whatsoever, as it was entirely out of her control. However, Eda’s choice to live in seclusion away from many, make things impossible for a healthy honest relationship work with Raine, and running away from King’s possible separation in Requiem’s story paints a different picture on Eda’s loner nature.

Eda may try to carry herself as this loner with a sassy attitude, but it’s all just a facade to mask deeper issues of self-esteem, loneliness, and regrets. I find it so beautiful in how she didn’t want Luz running away from her feelings to Amity because she didn’t want her to make the same mistake, like what happened with Raine. Eda let her fear of commitment get to herself and it caused nothing but a mountain of regrets, so she’s correcting this flawed mindset through helping Luz & Amity’s romance. Like, real talk, the way Owl House has explored LGBTQ+ has been simply excellent in building organic romances with Luz/Amity & Eda/Raine, but still giving important development to their characters in making sure their sexuality isn’t the only defining trait they have. That’s been like a pet peeve of mine when incorporating representation for this community of people. I’m all for seeing this kind of equality in fictional entertainment, but don’t make this the only thing that defines their characterization as a whole and Owl House totally understands this about using LGBTQ+ related content.

Season 2 of Owl House has been greatly expanding upon Eda’s emotional dilemmas around her curse, which I love as it deepens this character’s motivations on bettering herself. Edalyn has become a super relatable mentor figure in these recent episodes taking time to showcase the complexities of Clawthorne’s family dynamic being shaken by Eda’s curse and how she finally comes to term with it here in Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door. Rather than viewing it as a monster to be afraid of, Eda is viewing this creature as another living thing deserving to be treated as an equal and not a threat thanks to the help of those elixirs she drinks on a daily basis. I thought Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door would be a serious comedic breather, but instead it gave us more insight on this cast of main protagonists. Edalyn’s backstory revelations were such an amazing surprise, as I didn’t think we’d be getting to see her father this soon and what caused a big rift between the two, as well.

Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door exceeded my expectations in more ways than one. Season 2 of The Owl House has been continuing to impress me.

#edalyn clawthorne #toh season 2 spoilers #toh season 2 #eda clawthorne #the owl house #the owl house season 2 #knock knock knockin' on hooty's door

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coldercreation · 2 years

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Do you have any tips on a healthy way to deal with overthinking, in particular the “After™️“ like Nat mentions in your story? Not trying to put any pressure on you as seeing a professional is ofc the best thing to do, but you’ve done so much research and I was just curious if you’ve figured out some good tips you’d like to share? <3

Hello!<3 Ahh yes, the dreaded "After™️"... So frustrating and annoying and disheartening to deal with, and it's so sneaky too.

I think something big that could help a lot with overthinking is being aware. We can't "address" an issue if we aren't even aware that there is one, right? So once we are aware, we can start catching ourselves whenever this (or any 'trigger'/emotional reaction/etc) starts to happen. There's probably going to be specific situations when it's more likely to happen, so if it's something that often comes around after, say, a hangout with friends (like with Nat in the story), it's easier to be ready for the aftermath when we can acknowledge it's something that might happen.

The awareness is of course not going to stop our brains from pulling these stunts, but it might help us create some distance from those negative thoughts that cause the anxiety or distress. For some people it might already be a big help that they know that it’s happening, which allows them to just observe those thoughts, and the sting lessens when they are in the know instead of just feeling like they're getting anxious without any real cause.

These kinds of things probably stem from many different individual reasons, so in the long run it's always good to try and figure out the root. I !personally! believe that anxiety-reactions like these are almost always a symptom of something else. We can manage the symptoms so we can function and live better and happier, but unless we address the underlying cause, the symptoms are more likely to stick around. And this is where therapy often comes in; to help us figure out those deeper core issues we might be carrying.

So, awareness, observing, and realising that we're not our thoughts. We can talk back to that voice, like "thanks for the concern pal, but I had a good time and there really is no need to worry and overthink." Objectively observing those anxious thoughts can be helpful also because they might be actually telling us something useful too; Do they always show up when I'm with a specific person/specific place/doing a specific thing? Is this voice always saying negative things about me? Or is it bringing up irrational worries that are out of proportion? ~ Noticing patterns like these can help getting closer to that root cause as well. Is it stemming from poor self-esteem? Or maybe we're feeling like we no longer have control over the situation now that we're out of it -> why do we feel uncomfortable when we can't be in control? Was there a time when things felt out of our control, and now that same feeling triggers us? (Nathan was struggling with low self-esteem, poor self-image, as well as the sense of not being in control, but these are of course just some examples from the story.)

What I based a lot of Nat's scene(s) post social situations was on him struggling to emotionally regulate once he was alone again. He grew up trying to make sure his mum wouldn't have a reason to get mad. How do you do that if you can't tell where the other person is at emotionally because they’re not present anymore?? -> anxiety, feeling the loss of control. When we are face-to-face with people, we have some room and control over how they perceive us. Once we leave and our brains get the chance to start processing this situation we were just in, we might struggle with the fact that we can no longer control how we are viewed by those other people. Trying to emotionally regulate people from a past situation, which we can no longer change, can be one cause of this "After™️" reaction. Something to say back to the thoughts stemming from this could be: "It's not my responsibility how other people feel or think about me. I can't control anyone else, I can only control what I do and say." (Being kind to other people is really all we can do. If someone is mad/rude/hostile and it has nothing to do with us, why would we need to take that stress and emotion on?)

Tips:

- It could be helpful to some to write down these "After™️" thoughts. It can make them easier to observe, and maybe even catch some of those patterns when they're visually and clearly in front of us. Writing things down can also make things feel quieter/less heavy in our heads. I personally do this a lot! Sometimes I've felt anxious about a million things, I wrote those things down, and suddenly I realised that it was actually just two or three small things that felt disproportionally chaotic in my head... Rarely anything has been worth the amount of anxiety I feel even when things get really bad, which is obviously easy to say in hindsight. It might not help in the moment, especially because these things are often not very rational, but writing down some of it can be very enlightening when thinking about it objectively. "I need to make a phone call" can feel like the end of the world when that anxiety is acting up, but seeing it written down might put it in the perspective even in the moment. (And if it doesn't, that's okay too! Anxiety is a bitch and it really isn't rational most of the time! Let's just try to be kind to ourselves, and try not to shame or talk down on ourselves just because something 'simple' feels impossible in the moment. We don't shame people who can't walk with a broken leg, we give them crutches, and we treat them from the inside out until the bone is strong enough to carry the weight again.)

- Writing things down can help with this one, but just thinking about it works too. Say, your "After™️" thoughts are really mean and insist you were this and that, and everyone thought this and that about you. Now take yourself out of that scenario and put someone else in your place, friend/partner/nice colleague/you get the idea. Do the "After™️" thoughts still hold up? How does it make you feel using that harsh language to other people you care about? Would you have been embarrassed by whatever it was if it had happened to your friend? (And if yes - which is still possible, shit happens - how would you comfort/speak to your friend to make them feel better? Or would you be mean to them too??) If we can't put our loved ones through that negativity and harshness, we most definitely shouldn't be doing it to ourselves. We spend 100% of our time with ourselves, after all. So, what would you say to your friend? Now say it to yourself. The negative noise might still be there, but that's okay. We acknowledge it, and then speak over it with something more kind (Yes, this can feel really idiotic and useless when doing it. I always feel hella stupid, sometimes I fail, or scoff at the whole idea lol, but I mean... where's the harm? It can’t hurt saying nice things to ourselves. You can even imagine it's not you saying that shit, just think of someone cool and supportive telling you there's nothing to worry about. Hell, the next time the anxiety is telling you bs, imagine Liam patting you on the head or something lolll try saying mean stuff about yourself in front of him, see how that goes hehe<3)

- Practice. We should keep doing these things and going to these events and keep getting out of that comfort zone, even when it might feel easier to just skip out. The more we go, the less pressure there should be overtime as we get used to it. And once we get used to it, we might even realise that none of those nasty things our brains were throwing at us happened, or mattered that much?? Wow, who knew :O Practice can also help us figure out new ways to manage those reactions. Does intensive self-care/me time routine after a hang out make the anxiety feel less intense? Cool, probably should keep doing that! Messaging a friend? Eating well? Working out/stretching to feel present in the body instead of lost in the noise the brain is churning up? Trial and error are the only way to figure out what works for us personally, and hopefully with time we'll find the ways that make handling the anxiety easier, while we also work on the possible core issues that are aggravating the anxiety in the first place.

And yeah, as you said anon, seeing a professional is always the way to go! The things I’ve mentioned above are examples from the story, from my research, and from personal experience. They might not be helpful to some at all, and there’s as many situations as there are people on this planet, so don’t feel discouraged even if something doesn’t feel ‘fitting’ right away. Working with a professional is all about you and tailoring these concepts for your personal situation. Online sources can be amazing of course, but just wanted to repeat anon’s point on this.<3

I don’t know how helpful this is, it’s very long, and very specific to CYE, but I figured that maybe it could be helpful to process it through the example of the story, as I know many have related to Nathan’s thoughts and such?

If anyone has their tips, drop them below! I’m sure there’s many many many more, and sharing is caring, and caring is what we do around here xx

#I hope this isn't super difficult to follow #and hopefully it's like...#i don't know #helpful??#But if nothing else #it's a bit of a deeper exploration of the concepts I used #when figuring out how Nathan would react #and why #based on his situation and upbringing #It's really interesting to see how there's almost always logical explanations #behind the reactions we feel are completely incoherent #And if I have learned anything through my research #it's that there's always others who have felt the same way!#Not alone <3

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inkribbon796 · 3 years

Text

My Favorite Human Ch. 2: I Want YOU in This Custody Fight

Summary: It’s not a date if you argue about the kids in front of the restaurant staff.

Chapters: 1, 2, 3

Chase tried to dress nice when he came to this building. It was one of the fancier restaurants under Dark’s control. He didn’t have a whole lot of nice suits but he did have a white button-up and a black vest. But that was as far as he got.

Dark never seemed to mind either way. After all this was strictly business. They’d talk about the twins, and then Chase would leave. The Entity would offer for Chase to order something from the menu, “on me”, and the marksman would always turn him down, even before he first glanced at the menu.

After he’d seen the menu he was determined to never order anything from this place because it was way too much for anything.

But the view . . . the view was amazing. The restaurant was situated by the river and so at night it looked amazing. Dark was always in a private business room, to make sure their conversations couldn’t be easily overheard by errant patrons.

As Chase walked up, sans superhero outfit or mask because he didn’t want his meetings with Dark getting on the news at all, a waiter led him right to Dark.

When Chase walked in he had his usual crisis, his feet stopping and a weight settling in his heart. Dark had his back to him as he looked out into the city.

Chase got his feet to work and he took his usual seat.

Dark sighed when Chase sat down, “I heard what happened.”

“Mori and Tempus think he’s better now, least he’s not runnin’[1] around naked in the woods anymore,” Chase reported. “I think Mem got most ‘a[2] it out ‘a[2] his system.”

Dark clicked his tongue. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him, at least the others don’t have to be watched so some random hiker wouldn’t get attacked.”

That got a chuckle out of Chase, settling a bit in his chair. “Really? I find that hard ta[3] believe.”

“Arthur was a bit of a handful but at least he could be contained to his books. He didn’t actively seek to become chaos itself.” Dark’s fingers drummed casually on his desk.

“Prolly[4] could have cut him off beforehand if I hadn’t been on patrol this mornin’[5],” Chase’s eyes tracked over as a waiter came in to bring some wine for Dark and a water for Chase, he was braced for a random attack. It was mostly out of habit — because of Clubs — but still trained all the same.

Dark’s aura circled around the rim of his wine glass. “Yes, Illinois commented the same.”

The Entity’s aura hummed as he thought, he twisted the base of glass with two fingers. “I was thinking that perhaps the problem is not that they need constant supervision, it’s merely that they’re bored and they do the first thing that comes to mind.”

“Not sure how I can help with that ta[3] be honest,” Chase admitted.

Dark paused to take an especially long sip of his wine. “It has occurred to me that perhaps if they spend a bit long thinking about the ideas they have that maybe they would make wiser decisions. They are very young spawnlings, and there is a certain impulse that such young demons only have when they have never been threatened and feel safe in a territory.”

“Really?” Chase smiled. “Yeh[6] were impulsive back in the day? Would’a[7] loved ta[3] see that.”

Looking away, Dark took another sip, “No, I made Egoton into what it is today so I would not have to waste my time finding a new territory every couple of decades.”

The smile didn’t fade from Chase’s face quite yet. “So yeh[6] got any plans fer[8] the twins, err, boys.”

At that mistake, the smile did drop and Chase was glaring out the window for a full second or two. “Yeh[6] got any plans fer[8] the boys?”

“A couple,” Dark mercifully ignored the slip up. “My first option was to just stick them with Illinois, he’s more than mentally equipped to corral chaotic spawnlings. But with the wedding coming up, I figured . . .”

Dark trailed off, waving his hand dismissively, “Best not to leave the responsibility with Illinois.”

Chase felt the urge to say something, but he didn’t even know what that something was, so he kept quiet. He preoccupied himself with wiping down the condensate from his glass.

“Tempus is fine on her own, but if I leave her to them, she’d only mildly protest at whatever they do and then record them, and Wil only seems to enable their destructive behavior,” Dark continued.

“Hmph, that’s Bubbles fer[8] yeh[6],” Chase dismissed coldly. “I think he might e’en be givin’ ‘em ideas.”[9]

“Oh, of that I have no doubt,” Dark agreed, “Tempus too, a couple of their more harebrained stunts have actually been her idea, despite Memento’s insistence that he’s the brains of their operation.”

That got a chuckle out of Chase.

“But that still leaves me with a problem, namely that apart from Illinois or myself there seems to be only one other person who can reason with them, or at least enough that they don’t get themselves into legal trouble. Their minor antics are fine, especially if they can confine it to the Manor, but running around the parks or beaches is getting them into trouble, and getting them noticed by demon hunters.”

“Yikes, didn’t know it was that bad yet,” Chase sat up a little straighter.

“It’s nothing that can’t be handled, but I was thinking, and Kay and Illinois posed the idea themselves, that you could help,” Dark proposed, his expression neutral and guarded. “Since you seem to be the only other person they listen to.”

Chase was quiet, the room was so quiet that he could dimly hear chatter from the other room. He wasn’t exactly sure where this conversation was going. “I’m tryin’ ta watch ‘em, but I still got patrols ta keep up with. I’ve got ta deal with random bullshite that the Duke or Anti cause in the city. I’m still part ‘a the Coalition.”[10]

“The heroes have more than enough people to deal with them,” Dark dismissed.

“Dark, I’ll keep doin’ e’erythin’ I can fer the boys, but I’m tryin’ ta stay on good behavior,”[11] Chase reminded him. “It’s bad enough they’re barely lettin’ me see my other kids, I don’t know what they’d do if I wasn’t bein’ a hero. It’s the only thin’ I got goin’ fer me.”[12]

Dark meant to be reassuring, that Chase was a natural parental figure underneath his poor mental health and self-incriminating bad choices. That they’d made a mistake when Chase was denied his children. But such words required a certain amount of emotional vulnerability from Dark, and the Entity could never allow himself to be vulnerable, even when it was desperately needed.

So the words that came out of his mouth were, “I could make sure there were no problems.”

Chase froze, staring at Dark in alarm. Normally his head and heart were at war. Between wanting to treat Dark like a dearly loved friend, and his head who reminded Chase that Dark was a dangerous, demonic mob boss. Someone who destroyed lives that didn’t suit him.

At this moment there was no discourse.

“What does that mean?” Chase’s tone was terse.

“I don’t see why anyone should have a problem with you seeing any of your children, Anti has not used you as a host in months. He has not targeted you in even longer. The correct people merely need . . . convincing.”

“No!” Chase snapped, surging up so he was away from the table. “Don’t! Just stop right there. Yer not gonna threaten or “convince” anyone. Stacy’s fine. She’s doin’ fine with ‘em. If yeh could get yer fookin’ claws outta Paddy that’d be e’en better.”[13]

“Your eldest has his own goals and if he wants to achieve it through my Network, I see no reason to stop him,” Dark dismissed. “He is an expert marksman who’s time and skill were being squandered on running around with other delinquents pretending to be gangsters. Crime and trouble would have found him if I hadn’t swept in and taken him.”

Chase made some ugly snort that carried his disbelief and offense.

“The four of them are already embroiled in the Network, it would certainly make things simpler,” Dark suggested, immediately doubling down on his point.

“Simpler?” Chase scoffed. “Fer who? I’m not gonna fookin’ sit on my arse until they do somethin’, it’s not like I’ve got anythin’ useful fer yer little crime organization.”[14]

Dark gave Chase a look.

Chase just stared at the Entity in alarm, “No.”

“You denying the very nature of your magic and soul doesn’t make it any less true,” Dark commented, metaphorically shoving his foot right into his mouth.

“No,” Chase repeated a little more firmly. “Fook[15] off.”

“The heroes have had a top marksman for years and yet you are sidelined constantly,” Dark commented. “Even if you’re not killing in my Network your skills would be more useful. You don’t even have to be in the room to do the job.”

“So that’s what this is?” Chase spat. “I’m just some asset fer yeh ta buy?”[16]

In the absence of anything that wasn’t an emotionally charged response, Dark fell silent.

Chase threw his hands up, so angry that there was a very furious grin where teeth ground together, “No. We’ll keep the system we got, it’s workin’[17] just fine.”

The marksman was boiling with rage and it didn’t help that Dark wasn’t confirming or denying it.

“Enjoy yer[18] overpriced steak, Dark, I’m goin’[19] home,” Chase decided, alright turning.

Dark stayed quiet, and when Chase looked back at him he let out a groan of annoyance and stormed off and out of the building.

The Entity didn’t stop him, he was too busy tending to his blue soul who was trying to follow Chase but was stopped because Dark was staying in his seat.

“He’s angry,” Damien commented in their shared headspace, his fragmented soul full of nothing but emotion and none of the social cues that kept those emotions from being acted on. “What did I do?”

“He’s a human, it’s all they do,” Dark’s red soul commented dryly. She was already wanting to leave, fretting about the mountain of work they needed to do.

“We can give him things,” Damien suggested hopefully, looking to Dark for approval.

Why? Dark asked. Is he the man we’ve been sleeping with for decades? Because I seem to remember someone a little more pink and mad. Or am I wrong?

Dark’s blue soul curled in on himself and stopped pulling the Entity to follow after Chase. He was more subdued than he’d been in a while.

It let Dark finally leave and head back to the warehouses to get some work done. And if Damien urged Dark to give little macabre trinkets to the triplets, he only hesitated for a little bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Post A/N: Man, if Dark and Anti were half as good at communicating as they were at killing people, all their problems would be solved!

Accessibility Translations:

1. running

2. of

3. to

4. Probably

5. morning

6. You

7. Would have

8. for

9. I think he might even be giving them ideas.

10. I’m trying to watch them, but I’ve still got patrols to keep up with. I’ve got to deal with random bullshit that the Duke or Anti cause in the city. I’m still part of the Coalition.

11. Dark, I’ll keep doing everything I can for the boys, but I’m trying to stay on good behavior

12. It’s bad enough they’re barely letting me see my other kids, I don’t know what they’d do if I wasn’t being a hero. It’s the only thing I got going for me

13. Don’t! Just stop right there. You’re not going to threaten or “convince” anyone. Stacy’s fine. She’s doing fine with them. If you could get your fucking claws out of Paddy that’d be even better.

14. For who? I’m not going to fucking sit on my ass until they do something, it’s not like I’ve got anything useful for your little crime organization.

15. Fuck

16. I’m just some asset for you to buy?

17. working

18. your

19. going

#Masks and Maladies #Superhero AU #footnotes #chase brody #darkiplier #wkm damien #wkm celine #DarkAverage #background darkstache #angst #these boys can't communicate #Dark admitting his feelings?#not on his watch #date night gone wrong #date night turns into fight night

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chaoticspacefam · 3 years

Note

wonder if part of why the swtor jedi-sith conflict plays the way it does with “sith stans” and etc because the sith empire are functionally saturday morning cartoon villains - “murder and mayhem await!” compared to the more, i guess, believable evil of the republic/jedi following good ideals to bad conclusions and justifying war crimes

I'd certainly say it doesn't help things, you're right! I have...a lot of issues with the Jedi and their portrayal (especially in the Legends/SWTOR era), but I also recognise that a lot of that is very personal to me and that another fan might feel differently. Long, ranty post ahead so if that's not your deal, skip this one.

TL;DR: thinking critically about the behaviour of the Good Guys bad, I guess, since they're the good guys and you're obviously not allowed to use your own agency to decide something they do makes you deeply, viscerally uncomfortable. And God help you if you disagree with anything they do and cite personal experience behind your (very justified) avoidance of that rhetoric/teaching, because Bad Things Justified If Good People Do Them and how dare you have different personal experiences and responses. If that's what you do, you're doing fandom wrong /s Also, bad writing choices of the writers themselves that perpetuate toxic, harmful viewpoints and/or stereotypes don't mean anything when said viewpoints/stereotypes are the Bad Guys because...Bad Guys Aren’t Supposed To Be People With Rights, Thoughts and Feelings Too, They’re Just Evil, (cringe)

Disagreeing with someone’s opinions is fine, but if you’re going to deliberately expose yourself to content you don’t like and then attack the person that is making the content because they made it and it upset you when you went looking for it....you are, in fact, the one at fault babes. No one is holding you hostage, you can block tags or unfollow a person (especially me. I really don’t care honest to god, if my posts are not your jam just leave. please.) if you hate what they post so much and are unable to just scroll past things you don’t like to stay for things you do. I’ve done it and will continue to do so, and my fandom experience is happier for it. Also, people are human and sometimes we’re tired and we make mistakes like we miss a trigger tag, and you are within your right to come to the person and point that out, but you are not within your right to threaten them because they made a mistake. Then you’re just a dick.

But I still wouldn't be the one going around (passive) aggressively attacking other fans for disagreeing with my opinions and again, this is based on personal experience, but I've seen a lot more of that stuff from "pro-Jedi" people who seem to be conveniently okay with shit like mass-genocide and cultural erasure because "the Jedi are the good guys and the (OT) Sith are fascists!"

I don't interact with the subsect of fans that do think "the (OT) Empire did nothing wrong hurr durr" unironically (and for good reason, I don't agree with that viewpoint either and the fact that half the time the "defence" of these other fans is "well you're pro-fascist then!!" lmao) but there's a very big gap between the OT Empire which is rightfully a mirror of fascism and dictatorial governments and I do, in fact, raise my eyebrows in heavy criticism and disdain at the writers of the TOR-era deliberately choosing to "justify" the ultimate end being said fascist Empire by making the Sith species (and as always I preface this by saying I am in fact white & therefore know I have priveledge and can only "relate" on a much shallower level as POC fans, but there are places where I do find them more relatable than the TOR-era Jedi which reek of conservative, pearl-clutching Christianity (which I spent way too much of my life having forced upon me by the bible-bashing Evangelists(tm) in my family) to me and I just don't have the fucks to give to spend time fixing something that's honestly traumatising for me to be reminded of):

-heavily Indigenous/POC-coded

-"tribal" and not in a properly-researched and respectfully portrayed sense but in a very deliberate "these people are savage and need to be colonised and "sophisticated" by the More Acceptible (Human) Dark Jedi" even though they had their own society, belief systems, and even had technology - just not in the "socially acceptible, conventional sense" I guess

-perpetuating this by adding slavery and all of that can of worms into the mix too, just to drive home the "evil and bad" prototype ig. I'm not even gonna speak more on this part because it just makes me angry.

-Deliberately giving them more "alien" or inhuman characteristics, which while by itself is not necessarily a bad thing, put it together with all the other things?? Big. Fucking. Oof.

-Were literally exterminated and the survivors selectively bred for ONLY the "bad and evil" traits for not agreeing with the Jedi's beliefs. Their own practises and beliefs were automatically "evil" and "wrong" just because they didn't want to "convert" (sniff sniff, Christianity, is that you?)

A direct quote for those who can't be bothered to click and read the link:

For nearly two thousand years, superstition, loyalty and sympathy were bred out as the two groups interbred, and qualities such as cunning, ambition and affinity to the Force were favored, which shaped Sith society over the centuries.[3][21][22] In the Sith Empire, as time progressed pure-blooded Sith were steadily bred out,[6] resulting in only a few pure-blooded Sith left in the Sith Empire by the time of the Great Hyperspace War.[13] Long after, the true species in the Empire were believed to have gone extinct due to the interbreeding process.

And conversely the Jedi:

-Deny young children contact with their parents, siblings and families from the moment their Force sensitivity shows (hmmmm. )

-Continually and actively support the condemnation and Exile of "imperfect" Jedi, hell, it's even pointed out on Wookieepedia, that any Force sensitive, even those who are not aligned to either faction, but that train with or follow teachings that are not Jedi Approved (tm) is labelled as a "Dark Jedi" by the Jedi Order

Although "Dark Jedi" originally referred to a Jedi who had fallen to the dark side, it could also refer to uninitiated Force-sensitives who received no Jedi training but began their careers under another Dark Jedi. Others were simply dark-side users who did not follow the teachings of the Sith or other dark side organizations.

because "oh noooo you do not follow the way of the Truth and the Light you horrible person how dare you defy The One True Correct Teaching, that makes you the Devil Incarnate no matter what" UGH.

-Continuously push the idea (very heavily) that Emotions Are Bad, which just creates a bunch of emotionally-stunted powderkegs unable to recognise, confront and deal with said emotions (and as I've said, I would know, I was one and maybe still am in some ways lmao) , then blames said powderkeg for exploding because they were never taught how to handle the emotions in the first place.

(Fuck "there is no emotion, there is peace", that's not how people work and never will be lmao)

I don't really know what else to say about this to be honest, because even though I've only been on tumblr about a year now, I'm already tired of this constant "I'm right, you're wrong" finger-pointing between those people in the fandom.

Cause to some of these "pro-Jedi" people it's an unthinkable crime to dare to have a different opinion to them and just want to be left alone, I guess. I've literally been attacked for saying "I don't like the Jedi and find dealing with their dogma too traumatising based on personal experience and trauma from my childhood so I'm going to avoid it but you do you"

I've had American Christians (tm) clap back to that with the ever-wonderful "LMAO bitch you don't have religious trauma, you didn't grow up in the bible-belt, stop trying to be edgy, shut up and go to therapy"

(all of this is sarcasm, for those who need me to spell it out for you. I'm still traumatised by the shit I went through and have to constantly check myself and my own feelings because of the toxic "habits" those teachings tried to push onto me as a child and I have zero tolerance and patience for your (not you, ssalmon, but the royal "you" as it were) victim-blaming abuse apologism "gotchas")

because 1) clearly American Christianity and the bible-belt are the only insidious and harmful subsect of Christianity and it's not like the concept of Evangelism as a whole is inherently toxic, harmful, and traumatising to those subjected to it right 2) Obviously there's a Stated Right Way To Be Traumatised and anyone who falls outside of that (Non-Existent) handbook is "faking it for attention" 3) bold of them to assume that curating my own fandom (and life) experience, and refusing to engage with things that trigger me, isn't something that I literally fucking learned in therapy lmao

Also, I find it funny how these are the people going around attacking people like me, who are literally minding our own motherfucking business, but then claim to preach “love and tolerism” and all this other bullshit. Karen, sweetie, only one of us is going around telling people they deserve to be murdered/stabbed for disagreeing with thier opinion about a videogame and pointing out that “hey, that’s...very yikes maybe don’t do that, step back and calm down” and it ain’t me (true story, this happened a couple of months ago and I don’t wanna dredge the post up because it’s very upsetting to think about) People are allowed to have opinions, and they don’t have to agree with your opinion just because that’s what you think, and the second that you sink to sending people death threats because they don’t share your opinion, you are, in fact, the asshole in that conversation.

It was even funnier because the person in question followed me first, I initially thought they were pretty cool so I followed back, then they threw a massive temper-tantrum and threw a bunch of very upsetting and triggering shit at me without my consent because I didn’t agree with them (I’d even put my opinions in tags on MY blog in an attempt to be courteous and not hijack their post with negativity, in hindsight perhaps I should have made my own post in the first place and I do acknowledge that BUT if that’s all they’d said I would have apologised and moved on, quite gladly, there was no need for them to explode the way they did at me for...making a mistake because I’m a stranger on the internet who didn’t know them & wasn’t a mind-reader and I happened to miss a trigger tag that I didn’t think of at the time lmao)

This post is getting awful long and rambly so I'm going to shut up now, but that's my take on it I guess, I hope that's what you were getting at and if it's not I apologise, I've been taking a huge step back and actively just avoiding any and all major posts related to this discourse as of a few months ago because it just infuriates and upsets me too much, it’s not worth the detriment to my mental health, I’m just here to make friends who are also hyperfixated on SWTOR and have fun vibing and talking about our characters, not get into one-sided morality debates with pearl-clutchers. 🤷

#swtor critical #fandom critical #jedi critical #tw: stabbing mention #tw: death threats #tw: genocide mention #elven rants #elven screams into the void #<< vent-y/ranty tags. block these + any specific faction/character criticals if you don't want to see posts like this #i think i've got all the triggers but if i've missed something just approach me like a normal human being and ask me to tag for it #and i will lmao that's literally in my blog's blurb but Some People can't read ig #🤷#i'd even tag some of this as #purity culture bullshit #because imo that's what it boils down to in essence #''love and forgiveness the only morally good pure way to live hee hee anyone who does not do this exactly is Bad and Evil''#i am begging you to find other braincells purity police. and then actually learn to USE THEM. please

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fandom-blackhole · 3 years

Note

A pansexual horndog , an infp turbuletnt mediator. I use she/her pronouns. I don't know how to describe my character because I feel like my existence makes no sense. I'm shy and anxious, literally struggling with GAD and agoraphobia, yet I love being a center of attention, I can be a show off lmao

I'm sure I'm going to hell because of my dark, edgy humor.

I know it's not really a good think but I think I have something of a 'pick me girl' in me, like I prefer hanging out with the boys™ playing games and stuff. I'm hot-headed and live for drama, always shading people and spilling the tea, but only about ppl that wronged me (we don't stan bullying in this household). However, I believe I can be an actual sweetheart, almost like a mom friend for my closest besties.

My fav colors are black and pink. My fashion style is hard to describe, idk man. Like it's either a sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt kinda situation or a cute lil' skirt with knee-high socks. I always put makeup on tho and I always wear my hair down.

My thoughts tend to be rather grim and dark but at the same time my bedroom is literally princess themed and I collect all things hello kitty.

I don't have any talents or passions. I'm an English language major with minor in business. I am fluent in several languages and currently studying more. I'd like to become a sworn translator or interpreter in the future. I love traveling, been to maaany countries already so I really want to be able to work and travel at the same time.

Sorry babe, I'm really bad at this. I'd love to get matched with one of the Buckets and a Clone boi. I know I omitted the appearance, because, uhhh, me ugly, but you know it lmao.

I ship you with Leia!

I know you are probably disappointed but, please, here me out.

I just picture you and Leia being those cool af gay aunties. You are really beautiful so the Princess would fall for you pretty easily.

She's fiesty and protective and so are you. I'll never stop being thankful for you defending me against nasty anons.

Leia is the biggest social justice warrior just like her momma. I can see you both trying to figure out how to help those in need.

You'd never take any bullshit from no man.

GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRLBOSS

bonus: visiting her mom's homeplanet, just you and her, somewhere near a remote lake. Just two baddies being softies, holding each other in their arms.

Sorry for all the typos and errors but I'm having a high fever as I'm writing this. I'm not sure if it's even real or I just started seeing things lool. Also sorry for keeping the ship thingy short, I'd love to write a drabble for you in the future if you like my choice for you.

First off, don’t apologize for typos because I guarantee I will have at least one in my answer for you bb. And second of all THANK YOU for being here and bringing life to my blog and dms with all your thots, I love them all!

Now for your ships, first off of course, I ship you with me lmao buuuuuut,

For the bucket bois I ship you with Paz Vizsla!

First off I wanna say that Paz is going to wake up every morning and just shower you in love and affection, telling you how perfect and beautiful you are and how much he absolutely loves and adores you. Paz will constantly reassure you and if your anxiety starts getting the better of you he will pull you away from everyone and whisper reassuring, comforting things to you and do whatever he can to help you feel better. Now Paz also has a darker sense a humor and I personally think that comes with being a mandalorian, so he will always chuckle at your jokes and will return it with one of his own because he strives to see you smile and laugh as much as he can make possible. Paz would find it cute that you are always chasing drama and loves to sit and listen to you recite all the drama to him and spill the tea lol. You say you don't have any talents, but Paz is always blown away at how many languages you can speak and how you continue to want to learn more. He also loves that that gives him an excuse to take you with him when he travels so that he can have his cute little translator with him at all times. Not to mention that he loves cuddling up with you in the tiny bed that he has on his ship, as well as other things.

For your clone ship, I am going to ship you with Commander Fox!

Ok so I wanna say that the two of you some how meet and start a regular meet up at some random shady bar where the two of you will sit for hours passing back rumors and just drama that you have witnessed since the two of you talked last. This goes on for a while before one morning you wake up early to Fox slowly and carefully trying not to wake you up as he untangles himself from you and your bed. After that the two of you start meeting more regularly and usually at your home. Once the two of you really get close and even start a relationship Fox finally relaxes around you. Fox absolutely loves your dark jokes because it is something he doesn't get to hear often with protecting senators and the chancellor almost everyday. Fox has also always loved the way you dressed, whether it be in comfy clothes or your cute skirts, he doesn't care he just likes the idea of wearing something different everyday rather than just blacks and his armor. Fox also likes to play with your hair at any given chance, and he appreciates that you always have it down because it just means that he has easier access too in, especially in certain situations *wink wink*. Fox would be one to stand up for you in any situation, and he may be pretty emotionally stunted and can't quite get the words out most of the time but the second he knows he loves you he will bluntly tell you because he is a blunt man and will not beat around the bush when it comes to you.

How in the world could I ever be disappointed in being shipped with the best princess and general in the Star Wars galaxy?!?!

Now, everything you wrote? Fucking beautiful I am obsessed and I want to steal Leia away from Han and just hype her up and help her take over and rule the galaxy like she deserves

(And if you wrote more than enough for my ship, but if you wrote me a little drabble with Leia I would die of happiness bb)

(14/20)

#500 followers #ships #paz vizsla x reader #paz x reader #commander fox x reader #fox x reader

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maid-of-the-golden-deer · 2 years

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should this be public? prob not but this is the only space that people MIGHT care while i am not directly placing these heavy emotions on my friends. plausibly deniable care

anyways i want to fucking scream. i dont feel capable of succeeding at anything. my ability to interact with other humans has become so severely stunted that someone could say theyll think of me of a friend unless a time comes when they directly say otherwise and ill just naturally kind of think "well even if theyre mind changed theyll never say anything about it bc theyre too nice"

and before u say ppl dont do that do they do. they fucking do bc i do bc im too scared of conflict, even healthy conflict, so ill hobble along in a distant friendship hoping theyll pick up on my vibes and end it for me. bc i care more about my own feelings than other peoples. like factually and undeniably this is the case. i have screwed people over countless times and my only consolation is i have JUST enough of a conscience to feel bad about it, but not enough to stop doing it

i tanked this semester at a school bc i moved out too early when i couldnt emotionally or financially afford it even tho my family was willing to put me up for several more years bc i projected my own self hatred onto them and assumed they want me gone. i have probably severely ruined my schooling maybe permanently but my fam dont know that and im too afraid to even look at my email let alone explain myself to my professors, who already gave me AMPLE, and i mean AMPLE time and help that i blew off time and time again. i have burned every bridge ppl wre practically tripping over themselves to build with me

like im not even fundamentally unlikable!!! people DO like me!! i can start friendships easily. i can talk to people and say the right things and weasel my way out of nearly all my problems until lately with a well acted and practiced excuse. im extremely adept at navigating surface level social interactions. but when i attempt ANYTHING deeper i fall apart. i fail to message back bc i assume that ill be bothering them, bc our friendship likely was intially build on a level of lies. bc for most people (and this is mostly about irl ppl) i am absolutely lying to them. not normal lies. like lie i could get caught in of they fucking looked over my shoulder scrolling social media by accident one day. easily disproven shit i didnt need fo lie about, but i feel the need to make myself more likable on that surface level even that makes it harder and harder to my true self to be liked

and in many ways i am fundamentally mean and cruel. i think that im a failure bc my art on social media doesnt do numbers and ya know what i think that about about ppl too. when i say a bad thing about myself that could apply to others? i do mean it about them too. fuck. i absolutely do. bc im selfish so if im a failure i can take solace in the fact that others are as well. i dont always want to get better, i just want others to suffer alongside me. im also not untalented i know that. fuck in a total contradiction to my self loathing i fully believe i am a better writer than most people who do better than me. just too all over the place and impatient to succeed. im a rlly good writer. because of course those who talk down on themselves the most in some way see themselves as superior and when its not acknowledged they swing hard the other way.

i make myself so hard to fucking like but people do it anyway. they forgive me when i am totally unwilling to forgive them. they can be angry at me... but then move on. ive never let go of that anger. if i thought you were mad at me once, i will permanently be a little more distant. i will assume you still hate me for it, bc i still hate me for it. and if u piss me off, i have never forgotten and wont forget. nor will i forgive, ill mostly just not have the emotional capacity to care about it until its brought up. but when it is brought up, those bad feelings will return in force

and people will maybe read this and still like me and ill think its a fucking stupid choice for them to make! if ur my friend know im fully confused as to why. i never compliment other ppls work with more than an "ooooh neat" and then proceed to post my own, desperate to be praised. i only message first if i have something i want to say about me. its an active struggle to qsk about other people and their lives and interests. and i only do bc i know ill be hated if i dont at least make a passing effort. its all fake. i rllt barely care about anyone outside of myself. even if i do like you and do care, its in a selfish way. i take and take and take and give fucking nothing.

im mean and im selfish and im cowardly qnd im going to fucking regret in this in the morning. its a fucking good thing i dont celebrate christmas outside gifts with my fam or else id be killing the vibe lol

#long post #venting tw #idk basically if u dont want to read about someone tear themselves apart and say mean shit about their loved oned #dont read this #this isnt like. targeted at anyone either im just generally terrible to the ppl in my life

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fasterthanmydemons · 3 years

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fellow comic book reader here and I also agree that Pietro was annoying in the comics, I remember just rolling my eyes everytime he was on a page LMAOO. but then MCU Pietro came along and he was the bravest, purest, most adorable boy. I was like "oh I actually really like his personality?" and then "oh.... he ded ._." LOL. however, what are some personality traits that your Pietro shares with comic Pietro? I'd say the temper and arrogance (and love for his turtle) but that's it.

{out of breath} *sigh* Okay. I’ve been debating actually writing about this particular topic for about a month now because I was afraid it would offend some people somehow with regard to mental illness, but... since you asked. Yes, I would say that MCU!Petro has Comic!Pietro’s anger and arrogance. Definitely Hands down. I feel like there’s one other thing he has sort of in common with Comic!Pietro, but whereas it’s intentional for Comic!Pietro, it’s unintentional for MCU!Pietro. Under the cut because LONG.

One of the major things that made Comic!Pietro a jerk was the way he made Wanda feel like she wasn’t mentally competent to make her own decisions. Part of it was that he was very controlling of her. It started out as a need to protect her, but then it just became a function of his own ego, like... well I know better, so I’ll just decide and shhhh, don’t talk. But a part of it later on became also that he realized he could manipulate Wanda into doing or not doing things he wanted by making her feel like she wasn’t mentally capable or strong enough to make decisions for herself. The results was that she depended on him emotionally to a debilitating degree, and he absolutely took advantage of her because of it. Wanda had self-confidence issues and she was very much aware of her mental fragility and afraid of going insane, something that runs in her family. Pietro fed off that fear and basically manipulated Wanda by saying well, I’ll take care of you and make decisions for you and all you have to do is rely on me. It was not only not healthy for Wanda, it was abusive.

Now... let’s talk about MCU!Pietro for a bit. I will never ever say that MCU!Pietro was ever intentionally abusive to Wanda. Never. He never meant to be, he was only ever trying to help her and protect her. However, some of the things he did while he thought he was protecting her ended up not being so great for her emotional, social, and mental development in the long run. It stunted her ability to function independently and enabled her to be extremely dependent on him as she preferred. I first became aware that this was an actual real side effect of trauma that some people have, referring to Wanda, when I came across this post. I read that and I thought... wow that sounds really similar to how I’ve described the twins’ relationship. I did some more research on the subject since then, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a thing that definitely happened with the twins. It isn’t really either of their faults, it more just like... they were using each other as a crutch and a coping mechanism in different ways because of traumas they had suffered, and didn’t realize it was actually harming them developmentally.

This might take a while to explain, but I’ve been wanting to do this and get these headcanons down for a while so I’ll try to explain in as much detail as I can. When Marya and Django Maximoff were killed, the twins reacted differently. A big part of the reason for their different reactions was, unfortunately, due to their different upbringing because of their sexes. Wanda was raised by her mother to take care of her family, to watch over them, feed them, tend their wounds, and defend them conversationally. Pietro was raised with the idea that the men were the strong ones who protected the women physically. They didn’t cry or show weakness, they were physically there to protect and shield. Basically, the men were the physical strength and the women were the emotional strength. Although this seems positive on the surface, it is confining the twins to gender roles and is defining those roles in limiting and outdated ways. Pietro grew up feeling that he was less of a man for crying or needing a hug, and Wanda grew up feeling like she could depend on men to do what she couldn’t... as if there were things she couldn’t do herself. I mean... I don’t want to overly judge this because it wasn’t done with malice, it’s just that Marya and Django were more old world, traditional parents. That’s what they grew up with, so they taught it to their children. It’s easy to be outside looking in and say it’s wrong, but until the age of ten, the twins were happy and well taken care of and thought they were doing fine.

When their parents were killed, suddenly they were their own parents. At age 10, the twins had to do the best they can with foster homes and living on the streets. So what did they do? They fell into the roles they were taught. Pietro, as the man of their family now, felt like he had to take care of and protect his sister. Wanda, and this is where that post I read comes in, had a much more severe trauma reaction in which she retreated from the world, into herself, and gave control over to Pietro. What I mean by this is that Wanda, partly due to things suffered as a very young child and partly because Pietro was all she had left in the way of family, reacted to losing her parents by retreating behind Pietro. So they both fed into their own learned roles a bit, if that makes sense. Pietro thought he should take control and protect his sister, and Wanda was content to let Pietro be her shield and filter between herself and others.

This created an interesting power dynamic between the twins as they got older, because Wanda actually has a very assertive and at times dominant personality, she just didn’t know it at a young age. Losing her parents, being a witch, having been assaulted in the past and almost burned alive as a witch, Wanda trusted her parents to protect her. Without them, all that hope got transferred to Pietro. Pietro, who already felt guilty for not protecting Wanda from her assault, felt doubly responsible now to step up and protect his sister. The result is that Pietro would handle any and all daily interactions between people and themselves, and Wanda would hang back and largely be silent, just observing.

Wanda felt threatened by people getting too close to her, especially men. Pietro knew this and would always put himself physically in between Wanda and anyone who approached her. Wanda learned that her brother would always do this, and two things started to happen: 1) she relaxed when he was around because she knew he would always be her interface to the world, she would never have to talk to anyone she didn’t want to, and 2) she could say whatever she wanted from behind him and not have to deal with the consequences. This, in some ways, fed her assertiveness, because it let her express herself and voice her opinions in a safe way. If she opens her mouth and upsets someone, it doesn’t matter because Pietro will be right there to keep them from getting too close.

So as the post mentions, there’s sometimes a loss of autonomy that occurs with trauma in which a person questions everything. The decisions they make, where their food comes from, they feel like they need permission to do anything, eat anything go anywhere. If alone, they hesitate to do things, and if with someone else, they look to them for permissions and approval. It’s borne of anxiety over not knowing what to do and feeling like they can’t make good decisions on their own. In Wanda’s case, it was easier and more comfortable to give control over everyday decisions and interactions to Pietro. He decided what they ate and gave her the food. He decisions where they went, where they slept, who they talked to. He did most of the talking. Pietro was all too eager to fill this role because he thought it was the right thing to do.

Wanda just held his hand and stayed a step behind him, watching and listening, because what happens when someone is in this kind of secondary role is that they feel safer and more comfortable in the shadow of someone they trust and can think more clearly. Because they don’t have to look out for things on their own, they can more calmly think about other things, notice what others might not, and take in the details of their surroundings. This is the root of Wanda being quieter and more observant than her brother. If Wanda was on her own, she’d be worried about everything. Looking everywhere, wondering who would hurt her, trying to find food, not knowing what to say when others spoke to her. But because Pietro was there to handle all of that, Wanda could relax, hang back, and think calmly about bigger things. That meant she could make more long-term decisions about the directions of their lives.

It may seem counterintuitive, but the twins’ relationship developed into Pietro handling all the little, everyday decisions, and Wanda handling all the big, life-changing decisions.... such as volunteering for the experiments, opposing the Avengers, and supporting Ultron. Pietro just went along with those decisions because he trusted her to make them. Pietro mistakenly thought his sister was much smarter than him, for one thing, and also he trusted her as a female to make major decisions for their family, as their mother did. This was part of their emotional co-dependence. Pietro was comfortable in his role and Wanda was comfortable in hers. It eased their anxiety after the loss of their parents and the traumatic circumstances that surrounded it.

Coming back to your question, in the comics, Pietro manipulated and controlled Wanda into thinking that she was mentally unstable and incompetent and needed someone to make all her decisions for her. And she believed that, because she trusted him. In the MCU, Pietro kindof did the same thing, but not intentionally. Until Pietro’s death, Wanda would have said that Pietro was in control, he made the decisions, he was the strong one, etc. She would have said that she was not assertive, and couldn’t handle all these things herself. But anyone looking at them and reading the power dynamics of their relationship could easily tell that she was the leader and the one calling the major shots. However, this is not at all how Wanda felt mentally. She really believed that she could not survive without her brother, and that she was mentally very weak without him, because she felt that way, ever since her parents died. It took Pietro dying - and her protective buffer between herself and the world disappearing - for her to realize how strong she was on her own and that she was perfectly capable of navigating the world by herself. In some ways, she transferred her emotional need to be dependent on someone to Vision after Pietro’s death, starting to attach emotionally to him the way she did to Pietro, but she realized this wasn’t healthy. I believe that’s part of a complex mess of reasons why she was afraid to commit to him. But, I digress.

It’s interesting that both twins gave up control to the other, but in different ways. Wanda let Pietro control the minutiae of everyday decisions while driving their overall direction in life, and Pietro took control on a daily basis but followed Wanda wherever she wanted to take them. Both of them found comfort in this dynamic, which can be seen in the scene discussed in this post. Wanda is a lot stronger emotionally than her brother, but she unfortunately does not realize it until he’s gone and she’s forced to be more independent. So I think that MCU!Pietro does share this with Comic!Pietro, in that they both had Wanda in this emotionally dependent relationship where she felt she couldn’t or shouldn’t make decisions on her own, or at least was more comfortable letting him make the decisions, but their reasons for doing so are completely different.

Alright I think I’ve rambled long enough about this. I hope I made sense, haha. These are some headcanons I’ve wanted to get written down for a while. If anyone has any thoughts on this, feel free to reblog or reply to this post. I would love to hear what others think about this.

#{ out of breath } ᵒᵒᶜ #tw: loss of automony #tw: emotional co-dependence #tw: emotional manipulation #tw: trauma

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bestworstcase · 4 years

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#I'm so happy to see someone articulate #why Raps pulling rank in RatGT was so damaging and hurtful #b/c I often see that scene framed as a#''she's coming into her authority and role as queen!''#but it never sat right w/ me and I couldn't pin why

so these are some of @pnumbra-rbs’s tags on this post and while it’s a bit tangential to the point of that post i do have sOmE tHoUgHtS about that framing of the scene in the great tree, bc i also see that take floating around now and then and it always makes me go hrm.

broadly speaking, rapunzel’s character arc in rta does indeed involve coming into her authority. she enters the story as a socially-stunted, naive person struggling to grasp basic social norms like “don’t touch people without permission,” and she exits it as a competent, compassionate ruler who is comfortable and content in her role as the leader of her country.

but narrowing our focus down to just the argument in the great tree, it just... is not correct to say that this is the moment when rapunzel steps into her power or begins to come into her own as a princess and future queen. it is Rapunzel Making A Big Mistake, and the narrative intends for it to be taken as such.

let’s break this down. first, why is it a mistake? well.

is publicly yelling at a subordinate good leadership? is it a healthy, productive use of authority?

consider the argument in RATGT from this perspective for a moment. strip out all the emotional context surrounding the argument, and at the core of it what we have here is a disagreement over the safety of the group. adira’s position is that the group is exhausted and must rest, regardless of the fact that they are in enemy territory. cassandra’s position is that the great tree is too dangerous to make the benefits of stopping to rest worthwhile, and they must press on until they find a safer location.

both are somewhat valid perspectives. hector is likely to catch up to them regardless of what they do, and it’s better to fight well-rested on chosen ground than to be caught off guard when you’re tired. adira doesn’t spell it out, but her plan is basically to get some rest, then stand and fight at the top of the tree when, not if, hector catches up. meanwhile, cassandra’s plan is to get out of the tree as fast as they can and hope that hector doesn’t catch up with them until after they escape. who’s right? it depends on your estimation of the threats posed by hector and by the great tree itself.

(personally, i’m with cass on this one. a high ledge in enemy territory that has already proven to be very dangerous in its own right is not ground i would ever choose as a battlefield unless i had absolutely no other choice. and while everyone is tired after a long day, i like the benefit-to-risk ratio of taking a few minutes to stretch, drink some water, and eat some food before pressing on a lot better than the benefit-to-risk ratio of stopping here for the night and staking everything on a battle in this location.)

now... cass doesn’t handle herself well in this argument. at all. i think she, unlike the rest of the group, is picking up the subtext of adira’s proposal (that they will fight hector here), but rather than rationally express her concerns, she goes off on a paranoia-fueled rant accusing adira of wanting to get them all killed. she comes off as hysterical and unhinged because she’s speaking out of frustration, stress, and exhaustion. her behavior is absolutely inappropriate.

for rapunzel, as the leader, what is the correct way to handle this situation?

good leadership is not just about making choices. it’s not just about the judgment calls. it is about management. which means that as a leader, if a member of your team is having an emotional outburst like cass, you cannot respond in kind. it sucks and it’s kind of unfair, but them’s the breaks.

in this situation, an Ideal Good Leader would a) perceive that this paranoid outburst is coming from a place of real concern, and b) respond to it with the intention of pulling out the underlying meaning. eg: “i see that you’re upset, and i’m trying to understand. what’s going on? / where’s your head at? / where is this coming from?”

in canon, rapunzel’s actual response is “come on, cass, listen to yourself,” which is an invalidating (and somewhat condescending) statement that makes cass feel unheard, so cass gets more upset. the situation escalates. by comparison, Ideal Good Leader’s statement directly acknowledges cassandra’s distress and invites her to explain her reasoning. this would help to lower cassandra’s anxiety (by showing her that her concerns are being heard), which would enable her to better articulate her real point.

thus, the emotional side of the argument is defused, and a productive conversation becomes possible. perhaps a compromise (such as stopping for a few minutes to recharge and have a quick meal) could be reached, or else rapunzel can do her own cost-benefit analysis of adira’s proposal versus cass’s and make a reasoned decision about what they should do. cass feels heard, no one’s feelings get hurt, and rapunzel makes her choice based on what she thinks the safest course of action is, instead of angrily defaulting to the opposite of what cassandra thinks they should do.

and thus, there’s no need for an “i’m going to be queen, i’ll make choices you don’t like, and i need you to be okay with that” conversation—because, in this scenario where rapunzel makes good, healthy use of her authority, cassandra wouldn’t leave this conflict feeling hurt. she isn’t upset, in canon, because raps didn’t do exactly what she said to do; she’s upset because she got shot down pretty brutally and she feels like rapunzel doesn’t value her insight, advice, or judgment. if rapunzel had given her the space to calm down, feel heard, and feel like she was allowed to contribute to the conversation re: what to do, i think cass would’ve truly been okay with whatever rapunzel ultimately decided to do.

but of course, rapunzel isn’t an Ideal Good Leader, she’s rapunzel, and she’s still in a place where she doesn’t grasp the full reality of her own authority, and she’s thinking of cassandra as her friend, not as her subordinate. so she escalates the situation by mistake and we get... what we get, in canon. cass ends up demoralized, their friendship is permanently damaged, and the battle with hector goes predictably badly, with cassandra sustaining a horrific, debilitating injury in the process. (this, btw, is fundamentally why rapunzel is at fault for cassandra’s injury. it’s not about the spear vs incantation decision; it’s about this decision, this disagreement, the way she handles this fight.)

and second... how is this framed by the narrative?

well... our first clear signal that we are not meant to see this as anything but rapunzel making a big mistake is that the show explicitly draws a parallel between her behavior here to gothel’s behavior at the beginning of tangled. in tangled, gothel screams “Enough with the lights, Rapunzel!” with the intention of shutting rapunzel down and browbeating her into submission. in RATGT, rapunzel screams “Enough, Cassandra!” because she’s frustrated and upset and cass is acting irrational—but the emotional effect this has on cassandra is the same as the emotional effect gothel’s calculated outburst had on rapunzel in tangled. it’s an abuse of authority in both cases.

and on top of that, look at how the group reacts—not to cassandra’s outburst, but to rapunzel’s:

they’re all shocked, unhappy, and uncomfortable, because this is... a shocking, upsetting, uncomfortable thing to witness. (have you ever been on the sidelines while your boss or a teacher singled out a coworker/fellow student to yell at them? yeah.) and when cassandra looks to them for support, none of them say anything... because rapunzel is the princess and if this is how she wants to handle this conflict then, well, that’s her prerogative and they’re just going to cringe and grimace on cassandra’s behalf instead of sticking up for her.

and of course, no punches are pulled in illustrating how deeply this harms cassandra herself. we see how upset she is in the moment, we see how subdued she becomes when rapunzel comes to talk to her, we see the smile she forces when rapunzel signals that she isn’t interested in hearing cassandra’s feelings, and of course, this is what triggers “waiting in the wings,” which is a song all about cassandra’s pain—how she feels overlooked, neglected, unvalued, and unheard.

logistically speaking, this argument is a lot more complex than “cassandra right, rapunzel and adira wrong.” and emotionally, rapunzel’s reasons for reacting the way she does are perfectly understandable; it’s her first time ever dealing with a situation like this, she’s still muddling through leadership with no idea what she’s doing, and hearing cassandra call her “obliviously naive” was probably legitimately triggering because, hey, what did gothel always call her!

(though i tend to think that the point cass intended to make before raps cut her off was “what do you mean you can’t do that? are you so naive that you can’t see that you’re in charge? of course you can do that!” vs what i think rapunzel and a lot of the fandom took it as, ie cass saying rapunzel is naive for trusting adira. i like interpreting it that way because it dovetails so neatly with everything else happening in this argument re: rapunzel’s authority.)

but... despite this, the narrative expects us to sympathize with cass here. not because she’s right (her underlying concern is legitimate, but her argument as she presents it is... not right), not because her behavior is appropriate (it’s not), but rather because rapunzel’s leadership in this situation is terrible, exacerbates the conflict, and harms cassandra emotionally.

and as for rapunzel’s growth into her role as leader, this... is kind of another queen for a day moment. in QFAD, rapunzel experiences a difficult choice for the first time: she is forced to weigh the plea of one person she has a personal relationship with against hundreds or thousands of people who are looking to her for leadership in a time of crisis. and in QFAD, she makes the hard, but right, choice by prioritizing the needs of the many.

and in RATGT, rapunzel is introduced to another common type of crisis that leaders must be able to handle: an emotionally-fraught interpersonal conflict between two of her advisors which she, as the leader, must mediate. and unlike in QFAD, this time, rapunzel bungles it—and sees the consequences play out in vivid detail. RATGT is a vital learning experience for rapunzel. she couldn’t grow into the kind of leader she becomes over the course of s3 without making the mistake she makes in RATGT. and that’s why it just doesn’t make sense to say that this incident is rapunzel “coming into her authority”—because she’s not, she’s making a mess of things and then dealing with the messy, confusing, hurtful fallout of having done so.

#rta #rapunzel #cassandra #anyway ratgt is a masterpiece of storytelling and portrayal of complex interpersonal conflict

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luque-moreau · 3 years

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y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories

what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???

alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".

so lets just get into it:

what is adhd actually?

adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.

long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).

theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.

hyperactive type

hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)

hyperfocus type

hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.

personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different.

so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?

well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:

raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age

lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.

social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

raz and his borderline stupidity

time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.

i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.

empathy over sympathy

one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and

although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.

miscommunication and disconnect

sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.

alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd. this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be v e r y enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k

of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:

he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information.

just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?

this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.

so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess

:^)

#psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #theory #headcanon #razputin aquato #this is real biased #isnt it

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yunsoh · 4 years

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i still dont really understand why kakeru said all that stuff to tohru at kyokos funeral. it just seems pointlessly mean and kinda ruins his character for me 😷

yeah i feel like this is kind of the point of contention for his character for a lot of people lmao, but i think it seems so out of left field because we don’t get to really sit with kakeru’s personal issues for very long in the series -- we get them in bursts and have to draw our own conclusions about some things that aren’t explicitly stated.

what makes kakeru’s character kind of hard to know is that he himself doesn’t dwell on his issues very much, especially not like the other characters who also go through a considerable emotional development over the series -- we usually see characters feeling particularly stuck on what happened to them in their childhoods, and can then make pretty clear lines between their traumas and how they act in the present story.

kakeru’s childhood, though, is shown pretty briefly, and there’s even a fair amount of time between him getting out of his family’s situation and the funeral that we don’t see (the timeline isn’t very clear, but i assume it to be about two years). kakeru’s very much a “present moment” kind of person in a cast that’s prone to dwelling on the past, and i think that reflects a lot in how his narrative is presented. we first meet him when he’s already over a year into his personal moral shift (that is, over a year since komaki got upset with him over what he said to tohru), and we don’t get the story behind that personal shift until near the end of the series, at this point over two years out from when he first decided to change. he doesn’t dwell on his childhood very much at all, even when we do get a chapter from his pov. the only thing mentioned about his childhood during that chapter is from komaki; compare this to other chapters where the pov is shifted to other secondary characters, and they more often than not go into their childhood trauma.

this reflects more on the aspect of his character that doesn’t shift the blame of his words or actions onto how he was raised or traumatic events -- which comes from his distinct rejection of being bound by forces out of his control. he constantly counters that by taking responsibility for the things that he does as a means to solidify his individual control, to the point where he’s very independent and self-reliant (which comes in part from his complicated/strained relationship with his mother; she’s not home very much, which i think kind of has this dual-outcome of exacerbating his lack of dependency on her and also allowing him the room to really grow on his own, versus what was the case as a child where she had heavy control over him. it has pros and cons.)

this doesn’t mean that he always acts kindly or even normally (a lot of his responses to when he’s asked why he said or did something is “well x happened, so i did y”), but he never presents this as placing blame on a situation or person for his own actions -- in the case of him being shown that the way he reacted was actually harmful, he usually tries to apologize and correct himself. there’s a line that he’s aware of though when it comes to this; he apologizes when he sees that he’s legitimately hurt someone’s feelings, but he doesn’t apologize over teasing, or otherwise just somewhat embarrassing things. he builds rapport with people by being a nuisance honestly.

anyways, i think the way that his narrative is presented makes sense for his character, but i think it also lends to people misreading him -- although he presents himself as being someone who moved on quickly from his childhood, this doesn’t mean that his upbringing didn’t hamper his means of socializing with others. while he was freed from the stress of his family situation, he was left with a lot of catching up to do in terms of socializing with his peers; komaki recalls him being very quiet, cold, and angry, and we can infer from the ways that both kakeru and machi talk about their upbringing that he wasn’t really allowed to just be a kid. he was asked to focus on his studies, and that was about it; anything else was a distraction, including his own feelings (ergo, being deeply cold and angry out of repression). i think, too, that any socializing he did have was more on par with unhealthy competition in academics, but that’s just me. regardless, i highly doubt he had friends growing up or was otherwise able to learn how to socialize with peers.

although he doesn’t place blame on his childhood for his actions whatsoever, his upbringing is still massively influential over how he views and reacts to things. it’s why his character arc is so focused on learning things that seem like basic human compassion and sympathy -- he didn’t gain the social skills that normal children should, and that immensely stunted his interpersonal development. while he presents a major personality shift, his actual behaviors are something he has to actively work on improving, as he isn’t even aware of how detrimental they are until he’s confronted with consequence from his peers (namely komaki and yuki).

(now, ofc, yuki is also a character who was heavily compromised in the socialization department as a child, but he had an opposite reaction and instead became overly compliant to other people’s feelings out of a fear of rejection; kakeru i think was raised in such an environment that he only had the room to focus how he compared academically to other kids, so i would imagine that he was more prone to rejecting other people than ever fearing rejection himself. machi too is obviously someone who’s socially stunted, having been in almost the exact situation kakeru was, and we see her struggling between being compliant and rejecting other people; she’ll often do what she’s told, but she struggles to understand her placement in the equation of interpersonal relationships and often tries to avoid engagement.)

when it comes to why he said what he did to tohru, there’s a few things going on at once that more or less lead up to his reaction:

a) he’s probably about two years out from having left his family’s situation; he’s taken his personal change completely onto himself, which is good in some regards but he also lacks the perspective to criticize his own behavior (particularly his issues of being selfishly single-minded and having issues understand perspectives that aren’t his own). he’s more or less just rolling with things at this point. he hasn’t really been challenged during this time (complicated relationship with mom since she backs off from him, komaki’s general disposition to just grin and bear things...)

b) he’s been dating komaki for two(ish) years; komaki is shown to be the first person who really likes him, and he completely cherishes her in that regard. but she’s also the only person who really knows him (the next person he allows to really know him like she does is yuki), so when it comes to being challenged by other people he basically only respects her opinion on the matter. however, it’s inferred that she hasn’t really challenged him during this time, being that his first real wakeup call with her is after the funeral, and that she tends towards being an unchallenging force (the whole “smiling so other people won’t be sad” thing; tends to stifle her own feelings to avoid making other people uncomfortable). we don’t really know what the beginning of their relationship was like, so it’s unclear why there was such a long period of time where he went unchallenged by her (possibly just a mix of her tending to let things slide/not bring up things that bother her, them being 13-15 and in a honeymoon period & it being their first relationship, and/or that this was the first thing to set him off during their relationship that had real detriment).

c) he’s in a place where he feels justified voicing his feelings; being that his demand to be taken out of the inheritance issue was actually listened to, he gets a pretty immense sense of personal power from that point on. he’s not one to hold back his thoughts, really, which is especially notable after having gone through his whole childhood having repressed his emotions. but, this is also why he always ends up with his foot in his mouth.

d) he’s in a position where he feels completely powerless; i think this is probably the biggest point to consider. again, he's learned that he has power to reject situations that he feels bind him out of his control, and in the past fighting against it has worked in his favor. but this isn’t a situation that he can just speak up against and have things set right. he wants to stand up for komaki’s feelings specifically because he’s sensitive to her emotions (and, well, he’s feeling the emotional impact of her grief, too. he’s not emotionally mature enough to really look at the situation completely unselfishly. this isn’t even just a kakeru thing tbh, i think this is something that is ridiculously difficult to manage as a teenager -- but it’s definitely exacerbated by the fact that he has issues understanding perspectives outside of his own). but there isn’t anyone or anything to fight against, so he ends up feeling agitated.

e) he makes someone to fight against; he projects his frustrations of powerlessness over the situation onto someone he could perceive as an “enemy,” which in this case is unfortunately easy to create considering the accident. being that it’s unclear who was at fault in the accident, the obvious path he’s going to take is faulting kyoko, which then leads him to direct his anger at tohru. again, he’s selfishly single-minded -- he’s completely submerged in komaki’s hurt over the loss of her dad (mentioned when he says he didn’t consider that she might not have felt the same way he did about the situation), and is sensitive to having feelings squashed because outside forces. he views tohru’s grief as being unfair, because he can’t just look at the accident as something that theoretically leaves komaki’s dad and kyoko equally at fault under the ambiguity of what happened. to protect komaki’s grief and his own subsequent hurt, he makes the situation unambiguous in his head, which then gives him allowance to project in a way that he feels he’s doing something to remedy the situation, even if it does nothing at all. it’s a desperate grab to take some control in a situation where he doesn’t have any.

does any of this justify what he says to her? of course not. but, we see plenty of other instances of characters saying unjustifiably cruel things to one another (kyo, yuki, rin), but we’re given the benefit of having explicit context for why they do what they do. we’re not given the same explicit context with kakeru, so we’re left to infer from what we learn from his general character traits and the bits and pieces of information we receive about his past to piece things together.

and on that note, i think kakeru eventually coming around to apologize to tohru over what he said is interesting in itself, because it’s really the only situation that he has prolonged issues with moving on from. and he has this issue because it’s not resolved; he can’t just leave it as is because of komaki, but he also doesn’t feel like he has to or should apologize to tohru because she doesn’t seem upset about it whatsoever.

the discomfort he holds over the matter has a lot to do with the fact that he’s strung between two responses over it: there’s komaki’s response of being incredibly upset with him over what he said, and tohru’s response of not seeming to care at all. he’s torn because he wants to do better for komaki, and can see how his reaction hurt her -- but, tohru’s lack of response to him seems to indicate that she wasn’t hurt. her not recognizing him whatsoever aggravates him because he gets the sense that he was justified in being angry with her, but he can’t let it go because he’s actually starting to understand that he acted in a way that was incredibly hurtful. but he doesn’t come to understand this because he’s told that what he did was hurtful -- he understands it because he sees how he legitimately hurts other people with his words, and begins to recognize this pattern in himself.

he actually doesn’t come around to apologizing to her until he comes to understand her through yuki’s perspective, which i think humanizes her in his head (especially since he respects yuki’s thoughts in a similar way he does komaki’s), and until she finally does recognize him again, which destabilizes his idea that he was justified in his anger. even though she doesn’t confront him over what he said to her, or even indicates that it hurt her, at this point he does recognize that he was in the wrong. he even sees komaki in her in that she tends to repress her feelings for the sake of other people, and i think that’s something that really drives that matter home for him. him apologizing to someone who doesn’t explicitly make their hurt known to him is actually a considerable step for him to take, even if it seems trivial among a cast that’s otherwise pretty sensitive to other people’s feelings.

#okay i'll stop now LMAO but like. yeah.#i have many thoughts abt this it is simply how it is #kakeru manabe #fruits basket #answered #yunsoh meta #fruits basket spoilers #Anonymous

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