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jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets · 5 years

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Lost in Translation - Ch 8

Title: Lost in Translation

Fandom: Star Trek

Pairing: Mckirk

Rating: Lemon

Tags: minor character death, hurt, little bit of self destruction, stranded, possible smut down the line

Summary:

“Attention citizens. This is the crew of the Enterprise asking for your aid. On Stardate 2264.78 a shuttle manned by our captain and fourteen cadets was ambushed by an unknown source and chased out of sight of our ship and into open space. Those cadets as well as our captain, James Tiberius Kirk, are still missing. We are asking anyone with any information on their whereabouts, or regarding the attack, to please contact the Enterprise immediately. Our family would appreciate any assistance you can give.”

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Masterlist

Special Thanks: wanted to give a huge shout out to my girl Katie, AKA @goingknowherewastaken for being a huge inspiration for this fic as well as for being a huge help (especially when it comes to putting up with my frantic ramblings lol) you're awesome boo <3

A/N: So this is a work in progress but it’s basically finished and I’ve been making great headway with this recently, so this will be the first fic I’ve ever finished! Woohoo!! And I'm thinking that I’ll probably stick to a Sunday post schedule.

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Chapter 8

Len let go a hard sigh. It had been nearly two days since Jim had been found, two days of sitting in his room waiting for him to wake up, waiting to see those blue eyes again. He had spent the majority of it going through the logs that Spock had gave him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to listen to anymore, at least not right now. For the first time since Jim went missing Len was able to take his mind to a happier place, a place where it was him and Jim and nothing else mattered.

He ran a hand through his hair while his mind was still stuck on their time back in Georgia with Gran, and as his hand travelled into the back of his shirt it caught on something. He knew what it was, and all he could do was smile and close his eyes as the memories of their second day in Georgia flooded his mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim woke to the sun on his face on their second day in Georgia. He stretched out in the bed, letting the warmth of the sun coming through the window wrap around him for a moment before pulling himself out of bed.

He grabbed a shirt from the closet and shuffled across the hall into Len's room, but he wasn’t there. The room was empty and the bed already made… no Bones.

With a pout and a furrowed brow he continued to shuffle down the stairs and towards the kitchen where he knew Gran was. He could hear the music playing and smell the food cooking, smiling when he walked in and Gran was dancing around the kitchen while she cooked.

“Good morning, Jimmy!” she sang as he took a seat at the island across from where she was standing.

“Mornin’,” he slurred as he rubbed his eyes, “where's Bones?”

Gran grabbed a plate from one of the cupboards behind her and placed it in front of Jim, who was more then happy to oblige. “I had him make a run into town for me this morning. It’s Lenny’s birthday today, though I don’t think he's even realized it yet. Poor kids always so wrapped up in worryin’ about me, he neglects himself.”

Jim laughed around a mouthful of scrambled eggs, “That’s right! The old mans twenty-nine.” “Yes he is,” she chuckled, “I had him go into town and get me some groceries that included the supplies I’d need to bake him a cake, I also sent him for some home improvement items, and a few other things that should keep him occupied for most of the day. I invited a few friends over tonight to help us celebrate. So, the list I gave him should keep him away long enough for us to get things ready for tonight, and I should still have enough time to finish the cake before guests arrive. It’ll be a nice surprise for Lenny.”

Jim gave her a devious smirk, “Gran, you are sneaky!” she threw him a wink before he continued, “He should have brought me with him, and if I had known about the plan I could have kept him out longer.”

“He was going to wake you up this morning but he said you were sound asleep and looked like you could use the rest, he didn’t want to wake you,” she smiled at Jim, seeing the little bit of disappointment he was trying to hide in his eyes, then gave his hand a pat on the counter, “But I could use your help anyways. I’ve got some decorations in the garage I wanted to dig out before he gets back, and after that you can keep him occupied with some barn chores while I get everything else ready.”

“I’d love to!” He stood and placed his dishes in the sink before thinking about the small package he had hidden upstairs in his bag, “I hope he likes the gift I got him.”

“Oh, Jimmy,” she swooned slightly, “I know for a fact that Lenny would love anything you got for him, especially because it’s coming from you. What did you get him?”

Jim gave her a smirk, “Can’t tell, you'll just have to wait and see.”

Gran gave an overdramatic gasp, “You won’t even tell your old Gran what you got him?” Jim just shook his head, giving nothing away, “You devil!” she laughed and swat him towards the back door, “Come on now, out to the garage with you!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Gran opened the double doors to the oversized garage behind the house. Inside there were boxes upon boxes piled on top of each other, down both sides and in the centre of the garage, even up in the rafters. Jim stood in the doorway for a moment in awe before following Gran inside.

He picked up a few boxes looking inside and not finding anything remotely close to party decorations, “What exactly are we looking for here, Gran? Is there something that can help us find the decoration box a little faster?”

“I'm pretty sure I left it around this back corner over here,” she said pointing towards a very messy pile of boxes in the back, “haven’t used em’ in years, so I just hope they’re in good condition after all this time.”

Jim followed her back towards the pile she had pointed to but before he made it there, his eye caught something, and if he was right in what he thought it was, he was very excited.

He walked over and grabbed the cherry red tarp he had spotted and pulled. Jim was so excited over his findings that he nearly vibrated right out of his own skin. Before him stood the most beautiful bike he had ever laid eyes on. A deep cherry red with black edgings, double seat and road ready, he nearly fainted.

“You have a motorcycle?!” He spun around to Gran who was watching him with a fond smile.

“Yes,” she hummed as she walked closer, “this belonged to Lenny’s father. He loved this contraption, took it everywhere.”

“I had one back before I joined the academy, but nothing nearly as nice as this,” he ran his finger tips gently across the bike, entranced, “the keys are in the ignition.”

“Go ahead, Jimmy, see if it’ll start up.”

She stood back and watched as he tried a few times and it wouldn’t start, but after a little bit of tinkering from Jim, another few tries, and the bike roared to life under him. He whooped as the engine hummed and echoed through the garage, smiling wide as he revved it a few times, then turned it off and stood next to Gran.

“Well done, son!” she clapped his shoulder.

“That,” he pointed back to it, “is an awesome bike!”

“If you wanna take it out for a spin while you're here, feel free. It hasn’t been used since we lost Lenny’s father.”

“Bones never rode it?”

She laughed, “I think he was too afraid to. Wouldn’t even get on with his daddy to ride around the driveway when he was younger.”

Jim hummed with a smirk… that could be fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Around one that afternoon Gran was just putting the last of the food she was preparing for the party in the fridge when the back door opened.

She turned to see Len walking in, bags in hand, and rounding the counter to place a kiss on her cheek, “It took a while, but I got everything on your list.”

“Thanks, Lenny,” she gave his arm a squeeze, “go ahead and drop those bags on the counter and head on out to the barn. Jimmy’s out there looking like a true Georgian.”

“Oh yeah?” Len raised a brow.

“Said he wanted to help out with some chores, so I gave him some of your old working clothes and sent him out,” and now to get rid of Len so she could finish up the preparations, “he's been waiting on ya all day so you better hurry on up and get out there. And might I say, you're boy sure does look mighty fine in overalls and cowboy boots.”

She threw him a wink and a smirk, watching his face go all shades of red before he laughed and said, “I’ll bet he does,” and practically ran out the door and to the barn.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Len wandered through the halls of the barn but could not find Jim anywhere. He finally found himself by the back of the barn near the tack room when he was jumped from behind. Jim had wrapped himself around Len like a koala, clinging to his back with his arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders.

“Happy birthday, old man!” Jim shouted and squeezed him tighter.

Len groaned, “Oh lord, I forgot about that. But thanks, kid.”

“Well, I would never forget your special day, and here’s your first present.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything, kid-”

Before he could finish he was cut off by Jim's lips pressed into his cheek in a long kiss. He felt the heat instantly rise up his neck and hit his cheeks, and before he was ready for it to be over Jim had pulled away and was now standing in front of him, bright smile spread across his face.

“Well, if that’s what you got me, I’ll definitely accept more of those!”

Jim laughed, perhaps even blushing a little himself, “That’s not all I got you, but you'll have to wait for the good stuff.”

��You mean it gets better then that?” he smirked touching his cheek gently.

“Sure does, Bones, and present number two…” he takes Len's hand and starts pulling him through the barn, “I volunteered us for a bunch of chores today, Gran shouldn’t be doing them all herself after all.”

Len groaned at the thought of chores, especially on his birthday, but willingly followed after Jim anyways. He only needed to keep Len occupied for a few more hours before Jim could move him to the house just before the party.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim was quite proud of himself. He had managed to keep Len in the barn and away from the Gran for an entire four hours. Not only that but they had managed to get a tone of chores done for Gran. They mucked out all the stalls, cleaned some of the tack, tidied the indoor riding ring, and even managed to have enough time to help the barn hands with the evening feeding. Looking at the time and seeing that it was after five, Jim thought it was a good time to head for the house.

“Hey, Bones!” he called down the hall, and Len peeked his head out of one of the stalls, “Let’s head inside now. I'm sure Gran will have dinner ready soon and I am in desperate need of a shower.”

“Yeah, me too,” he agreed, and they made their way to the house together.

When they walked inside Gran was sitting at the kitchen table with a lady, who smiled at them as they walked inside.

“Boys,” Gran greeted them sipping at her tea, “Lenny, you remember Anita from down the street.” Len nodded and smiled at the lady, “Anita, this is Jim.”

“Howdy, ma’am,” Jim pretended to tip a hat, getting himself a chuckle out of Anita and an eye roll from Len.

“We’re gunna head up for showers, Gran,” Len said, taking Jim's arm, “we’ll be down for dinner soon. Nice to see you again, Anita.”

“You too, Len,” she smiled.

“I’ll be up in a sec, Bones,” Jim took his arm from him, “you go first and I’ll shower after you, just gunna grab a water.”

Len nodded and quickly padded up the stairs. When Jim heard the bathroom door close he turned to Gran, “Do you need me to do anything?! When are the people coming?! Is there enough time?!”

Gran laughed, running a hand down his arm, “Don’t worry, Jimmy, everything’s going according to plan. While you boys were out in the barn I got all the food ready and the cake, it’s all in the fridge. And Anita’s going to help me set every thing up outside, along with some of the barn hands who offered to help. Everything will be set up and finished before you boys are ready.”

“Ok,” he sighed in relief, “I’ll make sure he waits for me upstairs before coming down, and I’ll turn the porch light on before I bring him outside.”

“Sounds like a plan, Jimmy my boy! Now head on up and shower, you smell like a zoo.”

He laughed and waved to Anita before heading upstairs after Len.

~~~~~~~~~~~

After Jim was finished in the shower and dressed in some decent clothes, he met Len in his room who was waiting for him while lounging on the bed.

“Ready for dinner, Bones? I know I'm starving after all that work.”

“I'm actually pretty comfortable right here,” Len said, shuffling back into the pillows more, “I forgot how tiring barn work is.”

“No kidding,” Jim did the last button on his shirt before walking to the edge of the bed, “I don’t know how you did that everyday when you were a kid.”

“Neither do I,” he turned his head to look at Jim and held out an arm, “you can join me for a few minutes before dinner, if you want.”

Jim didn’t hesitate in taking the offer and climbed in beside him, curling into his side and laying his head on his chest.

“This vacation was the best idea ever, Bones,” Jim mumbled lazily into Len's chest.

Len sighed, “Yeah, too bad we have to back to classes and work after it.”

“It’ll be worth it in the end, when I have my own ship and you're my chief medical officer.”

“Who says I want to be stuck on the same ship as you for god knows how long?”

Jim playfully smacked his stomach and laughed when his head bounced on Len's chest with his laugh, “You wouldn’t want to be on anyone else's ship, and you can’t even try to convince me other wise.”

Len shook his head and smiled, “Got that right, kid.”

They laid there for a little while longer in a comfortable silence until Jim felt the change in Len's breathing and could tell he was falling asleep. He quickly got out of the bed, jostling Len awake, and took his hand, “Come on, I'm hungry and you need to eat before sleeping. Not to mention I don’t think Gran would appreciate it much if we slept through dinner after all the cooking she did.”

Without argument Len allowed Jim to guide him down the stairs and stopped in the doorway to the kitchen confused. The entire house was in darkness. He didn’t remember hearing Gran come up the stairs to head to her room down the hall, and surely she would have popped her head in to say good night like she always did.

“Where is she?” Len asked, clutching Jim's hand a little tighter, worry taking over.

“I'm sure she's fine, Bones,” Jim made his best attempt at feigning innocence as he brought Len over to the back door and turned on the porch light, “Maybe she's sitting outside?”

They walked outside and Len looked around not seeing Gran, “She's not out here… where the hell could she have possibly gone?”

“Maybe around the side of the house?”

Jim started dragging Len down the porch steps and this time he fought back a little, “Jim, I don’t think she would have gone all the way around there, especially not alone at night. She must be inside somewhere, or maybe we should call Anita-”

“Let’s just check, Bones,” he continued pulling Len around the house, despite him trying to hold back this time.

“Jim, honestly, she wouldn’t come all the way around-”

Len stopped in his tracks as they finally rounded the house. There were several large white tents popped up in the grass, one with tables and chairs and a buffet of food, and another with a small stage and a laid out dance floor. Both tents were connected and open, and lit up with beautifully coloured lights. A small band adorned the stage, and the tent was filled to the brim with people, neighbours and friends Len had grown up with, and at the front of the crowd was Gran with a huge smile on her face as Len stood there in awe.

A loud, “Surprise!” was shouted from the crowd and that’s what Len needed to break himself out of his trance and soak it all in. The smile on his face at the gesture was ear to ear as Gran walked over to kiss his cheek with a loud smack.

“Happy birthday, my sweet Lenny!” she kissed his cheek again before taking a step back as the band began to play behind her.

“You didn’t have to do all this for me, Gran.” He leaned in and kissed her back.

“Oh, it wasn’t just me,” she turned to Jim, “Jimmy had a hand in this too.”

He brushed her off with a wave of his hand, “Naw, I just kept you occupied while Gran organized everything.”

“Nonsense,” she gave his chest a pat, “I wouldn’t have been able to do it all in secret without you. Now, you boys go have some food and dance and have fun!”

Len took the hand he was still holding of Jim's and walked him inside. They ate together and then Len took his hand once more and walked him around, introducing Jim to his childhood friends and neighbours. Jim didn’t miss a beat in any conversation and Len watched as Jim had all of them eating out of the palm of his hands. Everyone at the party loved Jim, and how could they not. He was funny and charming, and Len didn’t know how he had made it all those years before the academy, before he met Jim Kirk, the best thing that had ever happened to him.

After Jim had been introduced to nearly everyone, Len was being led by Jim to the front row of tables by the dance floor and told to sit. Len watched as he walked over to Gran, whispered in her ear, and then made his way back to sit with Len, quickly lacing their hands together on top of the table.

Before Len could ask what they were up to, the band stopped and Gran walked up onto the stage and took the mic. “Hello everyone, and thanks for coming to my grandsons birthday celebration,” everyone clapped before she continued, “Lenny, it means the world to me to be able to have you here again for your birthday. I know you’ve been working hard on your exams at the academy, and I am very proud of you, both of you, but it is so wonderful to finally have you home. I know life’s thrown some pretty heavy curve balls at you but you’ve over come every obstacle and, well, look at you now. You’ve got a great career ahead of you, wonderful friends and family around you to celebrate your birthday, and a gorgeous young man on your arm,” the two boys smiled, and Len removed his hand from Jim's so he could wrap his arm around his shoulder and pull him closer, “you’ve made your old Gran very proud, Lenny, and Jimmy I would like to hereby officially welcome you to the family! I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you two boys! Happy birthday, Lenny.”

Cheers erupted through the tent and Gran left the stage open for anyone else who wanted to say a few words. Anita spoke next, recanting a few sweet memories of Len running around the neighbourhood scant only in a diaper, reeking havoc in the local shops, and never failing to make everyone in town smile and laugh. An old teacher of Len's went next, remembering what a wonderful student Len was, one of his favourites he had said. A few other neighbours followed, everyone having only wonderful things to say about Len, and each one of them bringing up the fact that they were happy Len had finally found happiness in Jim, that Len's “boyfriend” was a wonderful man, that Len was lucky to have him. And despite that fact that both boys were not in fact in a relationship, neither of them denied it, and honestly neither of them wanted to. Every time someone mentioned Jim in their speech it only made Len pull him closer, tucking Jim right into his side with Jim's head on his shoulder and his hand resting on Len's thigh. Until everyone had their say and it was Jim's turn to take the stage.

He hopped up on stage and took the mic from the last person to speak, turning to face the crowd, looking at Len as he leaned across the table to listen to Jim. “Hello new family!” everyone answered in kind, “it makes me very happy to see that Bones has so many amazing people to share his life with here and who love him as much as you all do, because if anyone deserves all that, it’s definitely Bones.” He smiles directly at him, and his eyes never leave Len's for the rest of his speech, “I remember the first day I met you on the shuttle in Riverside. I took one look at your drunk ass coming out of the shuttle bathroom, arguing with the attendant and yelling about infectious diseases and solar flares, and I thought, yep he's the one. And I think you’ve definitely figured this out on your own already, but the “housing snafu” that landed you in a suite with me instead of your own bachelor suite… yeah, that was totally me. I hacked the system so we could room together.” Jim winked at Len and everyone chuckled, “After that you… you seemed to turn my world upside down, Bones. In a life as crazy as mine had been up until that point, no ones ever wormed their way into my heart as quickly as you did. Almost instantly I knew I would give you my life, my trust, and I had never given anyone that privilege before you. After just a short amount of time with you, the thought of being away from you scared the hell out of me, and… I know I said that you going to Georgia for two weeks and me staying at the academy would be a breeze but I totally lied. I was so relieved when Gran invited me to come with you, because I don’t think I would have made it two minutes, let alone two weeks without you, Bones. And I don’t know what our futures hold after graduation but I hope that fate lands us together. But I mean, if it doesn’t then that’s ok, cuz I'm sure I can find a way to hack that too,” everyone laughs again and Len continues watching him with tears in his eyes, “but no matter what happens I know you'll be the amazing person you already are, and I’ll be standing right next to you the entire time, because I don’t want to be anywhere else. So, happy birthday, Bones.”

Everyone in the tent clapped and cheered for Jim's speech, and Len found himself wiping away a few stray tears, and he definitely wasn’t the only one doing so. After a moment Jim waved at Len to join him on stage and said, “Ok, old man, time to blow out the candles!” and Len stood centre stage as a huge cake was brought up by two of their barn hands who had stayed to join the party.

While the tent erupted into a choir of happy birthday, Len turned and reached out to Jim. At first Jim tried to wave him off saying it was his day, but Len wouldn’t have it and took a step towards him, and Jim finally gave in and allowed Len to pull him into his arms. Len held Jim in front of him, head resting on Jim's shoulder as his friends came to the end of the song, and with the last words he whispered into Jim’s ear, “together,” and after counting to three, the two of them blew out the candles together.

Everyone clapped and when Len let him go, Jim placed the mic in his hand and took a step back for him to speak. “Well, I must say this is a mighty fine surprise,” Len gestured to everyone gathered in front of him, “thank-you all for coming out and helping me celebrate my birthday, and thanks to Jim and Gran who put this whole thing together. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve been back to Georgia, back home, but I promise that I will make more time to visit after this. I hadn’t realized how much I really missed it here and everyone in it. I won’t make the mistake of staying away that long again. But, I’ll keep this short and sweet so we can all have some of Gran’s amazing cake,” a few hoots were heard from the back and Len laughed, “I honestly can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, not just tonight but in all my years. After hearing some of those stories I realize now that when Gran said raising me took a village, she was not kidding. Now, everyone enjoy the rest of the night, eat more food, have some cake, and let’s get the band back up here so we can dance the night away!”

Len passed the mic off to someone as the band crowded the stage again, reaching for Jim's hand and walking them off stage. As their feet hit the dance floor the band started up with a slow song and without Len even having to speak a word Jim was already in front of him, waiting for Len to take the lead like he had the night before. Len pulled him in with his hand on his back, taking his other hand in his and started gently swaying them to the music, pulling Jim as close to his body as he could get him.

As they danced, Jim rested his face in the crook of Len's neck breathing in his scent as Len whispered to him, “Thank-you for this, Jim.”

“Don’t thank me, Bones, it was mostly Gran’s doing.”

Len chuckled, “I'm sure the two of you are of equal blame, but regardless, this means a lot to me and I'm really glad you're here to spend it with me.”

Jim smiled into his neck, “I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.”

They continued to sway until the song was just about over when Jim lifted his head to look at Len with a smirk, “Do you think we could sneak away for a bit?”

Len looked around at their guests, then back to Jim, “I'm sure we could, everyone seems pretty occupied right now with cake and dancing. Everything ok?”

“Fine,” Jim stopped dancing and took Len's hand, “I just wanted to give you your next present.”

Len perked up at that, giving Jim a smirk of his own, “Oh? In that case, follow me.”

After quickly making sure they weren’t being watched, Len guided Jim to the back corner of the tent by the stage, and the two of them parted the material and snuck out the back. Jim then took the lead and ran with Len across the grass and to the garage by the barn. Once inside Jim flicked on the lights and turned to Len.

“Ready for your present, Bones?”

Len nodded enthusiastically and closed his eyes, leaning his face towards Jim and offering his cheek. Jim chuckled and pushed Len away, Len laughing with him.

“Not that, Bones,” Jim turned and grabbed the cherry red tarp behind him and revealed the bike he had found earlier with Gran, “we’re going for a ride!”

Len eyed the bike behind him. He remembered it, it was his fathers old bike from when he was younger. “Oh no, kid. I'm not getting on that. I wouldn’t as a kid and I sure as hell don’t want to now.”

“Come on, Bones. It’s perfectly safe.”

“The hell it is! It’s a death trap.”

Jim couldn’t help but laugh, crossing his arms and giving Len a pointed look, “We are just a few years away from spending our lives in space, and you're afraid of a motorcycle?”

Len didn’t quite know what to say to that because the kid did have a point… of course.

Jim shook his head in amusement and turned to the bike. When he turned back he had a helmet in his hand and took a step towards Len. He stepped away with his hands out but Jim persisted and got in his space.

“Remember when I said I trusted you, Bones, that I willingly gave you my life no matter what?” Len nodded, “I would never let anything happen to you, Bones.”

“I know you wouldn’t Jim.”

Jim shuffled the helmet between his hands before looking Len in the eyes, “Do you trust me?”

Len looked at the helmet and smiled, “Of course I do, Jim.”

Jim returned his smile and placed the helmet on Len's head, helping him to fasten it. A few minutes later Jim was in front with Len behind him, clutching desperately to Jim as they slowly pulled out of the garage and down the long driveway. Little did they know Gran stood watching them from the porch with a smile as Jim turned out of the driveway and disappeared down the road.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim didn’t take them too far, knowing that Len was already sceptical about being on the bike in the first place. So he found a softly lit hiking trail a few minutes down the road and pulled into the small lot and parked the bike. Jim helped Len with his helmet again before taking his hand and leading him down the path. It was short, coming to a cliff at the end over looking a small city below, and the light from the almost full moon shone brightly over top of them.

Len lead Jim to the edge and they sat with their legs over the side for a while in a comfortable silence before Jim turned to face Len, Len following suit.

“So,” Jim began, fiddling with the small wrapped package in his jacket pocket, “I… I do have one last gift for you.”

Len smiled, shaking his head, “Kid, really, you didn’t have to get me anything at all. Everything you’ve already done has been more then enough.”

“But everything so far has been things you'll just remember, where as this is something you can keep forever. Something you can see and touch everyday, or as long as you want it, that is.” Jim hesitates a moment before pulling the box out and handing it to Len, “I… I hope you like it.”

Len took the small package and slowly unwrapped it to reveal a small box. He popped the lid off and pulled out the item inside. A simple silver chain held a round medallion, also silver but with Starfleet's medical insignia on the front. Len brought the medallion down to rest in the palm of his hand, running his thumb gently over the insignia. It was perfect.

“Jim I… this is-”

“Turn it over.”

Len did as he said and on the back he found two lines of engravings, both numbers. He suddenly found himself speechless, not to mention nearly breathless as his hands began to shake.

Jim shuffled forwards slightly, brushing their legs together before asking, “Do you know what they mean?”

Len let out a breathy chuckle, “How could I not?” he finally met eyes with Jim and the tears he had been trying to hold in since Jim's speech at the party flowed freely now, “It’s the star date and coordinates of when we first met. Jim…”

Jim nodded and suddenly found himself shy, looking away from Len, “Do you like it? I know its not much but-”

Jim's face was suddenly lifted to face Len, “It’s everything.” Jim reached a hand out to thumb away the tears streaming down Len's face, “This is the best, most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me. Jim… you don’t know how much this means to me.”

“Of course I do, Bones, because those engravings mean the same thing to me as I think they do to you.” Len tilted his head in question and waited for Jim to continue, “That stardate and those coordinates were a new beginning, the start of the most amazing years of my life so far. The day I met you everything changed. I was a wash out before then, but you… you make me want to be a better person, the best man I can be. If I hadn’t met you then, Bones, I don’t know where I would be right now. You changed my life, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that.”

Len didn’t even know what to say, because Jim had said it all and said it perfectly. Not to mention he was crying so hard that he didn’t think he’d be able to form coherent words even if he tried, so he did the next best thing. He removed his hand from Jim's chin, running it down Jim's neck and to the back of his head. He pulled him closer and pressed a long kiss to his cheek, then whispered a quick, “thank-you Jim,” before pulling Jim flush against him and burying his face in his neck. Jim did the same and the two of them held each other there for a long time, both occasionally peppering feather light kisses into the others skin.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Len rubbed his fingers over the medallion he was now holding. Since his birthday back in Georgia with Jim, he hadn’t taken it off, not for one second. He meant what he had said when he told Jim that this necklace was his everything. It held the exact time and location of his first meeting Jim, the exact moment his life turned around for the better, because Jim was his everything and always had been, right from that very first second in Riverside.

He let the necklace hang out over his shirt, moving his hand to run his fingers through Jim's hair, bringing his forehead to rest on Jim's as he whispered a promise, “Jim, when you wake up and we dock on Earth, I’m taking you back to Georgia for a two week vacation, just you and me. Maybe I’ll mandate that you need a month off duty and we’ll spend all of it in Georgia together, hell maybe we’ll just stay forever like you wanted to when we were... I should have just said yes back then, I should have just stayed with you in Georgia, then none of this would have happened. And when we do go back, when we go home Jim, I’m gunna take you back to that pond and I’m gunna love you, I’m gunna love you so hard Jim. I’m going I make sure you know how much you’ve always meant to me, how much I need you, how much I’ve always loved you.”

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A/N: Another long one for you guys... sorry! But I hope you enjoyed it! A little more fluff to come your way in the next few chapters before it gets worse... O-o And I wanted to give a super special thanks to my girl Katie for helping me figure out the gift that Jim would be giving to Len! I wouldn’t have figured it out if it wasn’t for you XXX Let me know what y’all think and if anyone wants to be tagged in future chapters or works let me know <3

Tags: @goingknowherewastaken @weresilver-in-space @resistance-is-futile81 @0dannyphantom0 @flaminglupine @bi-e-ne @medicatemedrmccoy @haveyouseenmymind @jimboy-mccoy @reading-in-moonlight

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laur-rants · 6 years

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Fic Update -- Wolfbann

Chapter 6 - With an Open Heart

Fandom: Dishonored Ship: Corvo/Daud, Past Jessamine/Corvo Rated: Mature Chapter Synopsis: Corvo goes looking for a friend.

AO3 Link

Previous :: First :: Next

It was a while before Corvo ventured downstairs to the bar after Callista.

He had let her go on ahead after they had briefly spoken that morning: he still desperately needed to clean up, and while it felt good to finally be rid of the sweat of Coldridge and the grime of the Wrenhaven, the bath itself left him feeling all out of sorts.

First off, the scent of soap was pungent in a way it never had been before. It got rid of the dirt, to be sure, but it washed away the smell of himself and replaced it with a sharp, overpowering odor. It filled his nose in a way that burned; he mused on requesting a softer soap, maybe something less perfumed and more neutral. It would be better to smell of nothing than something so strong it gave him a headache.

Second, his body was just so different now, and bathing was really the first time he had allowed himself to look and understand what had really changed. Outwardly, he didn't look that much different: his build was thinner from months of malnutrition and his hair was due for a trim, but that wasn't what unsettled Corvo the most. Instead, it was the sharpness of everything: of his eyes, of his teeth, of all his muscles and bones and edges. From one view, he looked normal: from another, he barely recognized himself, instead glimpsing the wolf barely concealed under his skin.

It was so dissociative it made his stomach flip and his heart pound. He tried not to think too hard on it.

Truly, the biggest visual difference was his arms: streaking across both triceps and ending near his shoulders were long, deep scars, four for each arm. No doubt they were from when the giant wolf that had killed Jessamine and turned him, a lasting reminder of what he endured that day.

He frowned, running a few tentative fingers over the sensitive flesh, noting how the skin was healed into deep valleys. The nerves under the scars bunched into huge concentrations of magical energy: just brushing across them made his claws itch to grow, his body aching for fur and teeth. Corvo's jaw clenched tight against the shiver snaking down his back, willing his body to stabilize. The growl rumbled out -- too deep, too guttural -- and he hastily covered the gouged lines with a shirt before the feeling got any worse.

From somewhere in the back of his mind, a flash of bemusement made itself known -- a totally foreign emotion that was completely detached from his current state of mind. He stiffened and tried to focus on the intrusion, but as soon as his mind reached for it, the feeling was gone, fleeing and disappearing as quick as it came.

Corvo took a deep breath, doing his best to steady himself. He looked around; despite the privacy of the powder room, he no longer felt alone. Skin crawling, he changed the rest of the way as quickly as he could, wanting to get out of his head sooner rather than later.

At least his Royal Protector coat was dry by the time he emerged from the bathroom. Being dirty but not rancidly so, the garment still carried his scent, making the worn, heavy fabric a comfort as he worked his way down to the main floor.

That was, of course, until he realized that someone new was waiting there for him.

He was talking with Sam and Callista when Corvo walked in and Corvo immediately turned his eyes to him. A squirrelly man hiding behind round glasses, he spoke fast and high and smelled of grease and machines, of wood and something like whale oil. He also seemed to have no sense of personal space; he leaned far too close to Callista, and the way she looked pained and uncomfortable made Corvo's hackles rise.

Corvo's arrival, however, became a welcome distraction. The stranger noticed him and immediately jumped to his feet, walking over to Corvo in a skittering fashion that reminded his hindbrain far too much of the rats that bit back.

“Oh, Corvo, just the, ah, man I was looking for!” He stumbled over the word as he offered a hand to shake. Corvo glowered down at it, making no move to reciprocate. That seemed to be enough of a hint; the man laughed hesitantly and backed off.

“He doesn't bite, does he?” Corvo saw him mouth back to Callista and Samuel, and Samuel was quick to catch Corvo's annoyed eye. Sam cleared his throat, motioning to the man.

“Corvo, I hope you slept well. Let me introduce you: this is Piero Joplin, inventor and general tinkerer. He lives next door and keeps the place running for us.”

“Slept fine, thank you Sam,” he growled out, pushing past the new arrival unceremoniously. He sat down next to Callista at the bar; flanked now by both Sam and Corvo, she visibly eased. “Callista informed me last night her uncle is in a dire situation, so I may be heading out soon.”

“Oh, leaving already?” Sam said, a hint of dismay in his voice. Corvo's lip twitched; he would have found Sam's sentimentality fake if he didn't already know he was being entirely genuine.

“I think it should be a return trip, seeing as Callista would enjoy reuniting with her uncle again.”

“Ah! A mission,” Piero chimed in. “Corvo, I knew this was coming inevitable, it's why I came looking for you.”

Corvo tried to ignore Joplin as he tutted over, already tired of the man, but when Joplin fished something out of his jacket and handed it over, Corvo found his interest renewed.

“What,” he breathed out, eyes catching on the metallic glint. “is this?”

“It's a mask,” Joplin explained quickly, gingerly setting it down on the bar. “I made it after a fitful bout of dreams. It started as a sort of muse but now I'm sure it is for you. The whole city believes you are the Empress’ killer, so if you need to go out into the streets, you might as well do it with your face covered.”

Sam and Callista leaned over to also catch a glimpse of the mask. It was a crude, grotesque skull; dressed in folded metal over a piecemeal frame, sewn together with wire more than welded. It grimaced up at the motley group, glass lenses shining in the light, giving the toothless smile a macabre sort of life to it. Corvo lifted it in his hand, finding it surprisingly light.

Sam hummed in approval while Callista turned her nose up, scoffing.

“You said you saw this in your dreams?” She sniffed out, watching as Corvo turned it over in his hands. “More like out of a nightmare, if you ask me.”

“Dreams,” Corvo remarked dryly, thinking of his own last night. “Interesting.”

“The lens is adjustable,” Joplin went on to explain. “You can use it to scope, if needed. If I understand correctly, with your condition you could easily hide your face by simply transmorphing, but this is good for when you still want to stay completely anonymous.”

“It will certainly make what I need to do easier,” Corvo agreed, storing the mask in his inner coat pocket. He cast an absent eye at Joplin who seemed to wilt under the direct eye contact.

“Thank you. What do I owe for this favor?”

Joplin twitched so forcefully his glasses nearly fell off.

“W-what? Lord Corvo you owe nothing, it was simply a personal project that got out of hand and proved useful, it's not-- nothing please.”

Corvo frowned, throwing an eyebrow at the lot of them.

“You're providing room and board, I'm using your food and water. Even if I'm out of sight, there should still be some sort of--”

Callista put a hand on his arm, drawing his attention away.

“Being able to bring back my uncle is more than enough payment, Corvo,” she offered gently. “You don't have to do anything more.”

His stomach twisted unpleasantly but he didn't press the issue. He swallowed down his pride on the matter and nodded, silently vowing to bring back something, either before or after Emily was reinstated on the throne.

Taking his nod as resignation enough, Callista pulled a piece of paper out of her shirt and placed it in Corvo's palm. He unfolded it: it was an address, one located just outside the Tower district, near the bridge.

“This is Geoff's apartment here in the city,” she explained. “I don't know where he is, but if there was any place to start, that would be it. He tends to keep a thorough work journal, which he stores in his home office desk. It could give you some clues on where he is, maybe why I haven't heard from him, if he's even still okay…”

She trailed off, her face going pale as she pursed her lips together. Corvo didn't need a vivid imagination to know what she was possibly thinking. He tucked the address into a satchel, nodding.

“Got it. I'll head out this afternoon, though how I'm going to get close to the bridge without being seen, I'm unsure.”

Sam cleared his throat, looking positively smug as he adjusted his scarf and lapels.

“I think I can help with that, Lord Corvo, if you're willing to take it.”

“I'll get you as close as I can, Corvo, but it'll still be a ways to the apartment,” Sam said to Corvo as he steered his boat through the waterways. In front of them at a distance the Kaldwin Bridge loomed: tall, imposing and indomitable, it was commissioned by Jessamine's father and was the largest bridge over the Wrenhaven.

It was also teeming with guards and crackled with the energy of Sokolov’s Wall of Light. Above the streets, the sound of the citywide announcements boomed ominously:

“Be on alert, Dunwall citizens! The criminal and heretic known as Corvo Attano, responsible for the death of our fair Empress, has escaped prison. If spotted, do not approach, and instead notify your local Overseer or Watch Guard immediately!”

It continued on, speaking of plague and curfew, but it always rotated back to him, and he shuddered under the weight of the city's hatred.

“You're a pretty popular topic these days,” Samuel mused lightly, but the worry crossed his face as he looked back to Corvo. “You going to be okay out there?”

Corvo eyed the riverbank, searching for a good route to the rooftops. In his pocket, he felt a foreign beat next to his own; he ignored it for now and instead reached in next to it, wrapping warm fingers around cold metal. He pulled the mask out and eyed it carefully before turning it over and allowing himself to disappear behind it.

It was a simple thing -- no magic involved -- but when Corvo slipped behind the mask and adjusted the lens, he felt something else rise up in his chest, and his earlier anxiety fled in the face of a newfound confidence.

He nodded to Sam in response, his body thrumming with energy.

“I'll be fine,” he rasped out, voice already morphing into a growl. “Wait here, I'll be back soon with news.”

Sam nodded back, quietly tying his boat down, hiding it in the shadow of the bridge.

“Good luck, Corvo.”

Corvo jumped lightly onto solid ground, eyed his trajectory carefully, let his claws grow, and pulled the power of the Void into his hand.

The Outsider had told him that he would know how to use his powers when the time came for it; on instinct, the deity had said, amusement coloring his words. He let that instinct flow into him now, tugging at the magic coursing through his veins, and directed what was gathered into his palm.

With a sigh and whisper of Void, his body dissolved and rushed forward in a trail of smoke and light. He reached his destination in an instant, his claws and feet reemerging from the magical fog around him. Corvo gasped, letting the air find his lungs once again as his head wrapped around the dizzying effects of what just happened.

He chanced a glance back behind him; the boat sat meters away, with Samuel eyeing him curiously. Sam waved; in another clench of his fist, Corvo was rushing away, the wind howling in his ears as he pushed forward again, more wraith than wolf or man. He coalesced and leapt again, quickly finding the rooftops, where he could own the city skyline.

It was heady; it was powerful. Corvo surged himself onward; deep in his chest, something pulled and sang and relished in this freedom, pure and adulterated. The wolf in him begged to come out fully, to be more than just claws and teeth hiding behind mask, to leap and howl and hunt and scream.

He settled for laughing, loud and long and rough, muffled by the mask but the sound still rang true in his ears. It all felt so right, like he was a teen in Karnaca again, with his body just as agile and able. He found himself wanting to do nothing more than just relish in this feeling for the rest of the day, leaping from rooftop to rooftop, impossible to catch or corner.

A heavy and rhythmic thump beat against his chest as he moved, louder and louder as he traveled, filling his thoughts and countering his own heart. He slowed, catching his breath and willed himself back to reality.

Geoff's apartment. He needed to find it.

The thump in his coat grew more insistent.

From behind his mask, Corvo's jaw clenched. Carefully, he took the Outsider's other gift out of his pocket, peering down upon the mechanical monstrosity known only to him as the Heart.

It had a clockwork sort of face, a glass window behind which cogs of metal and steel turned with each beat. He wasn't sure if the beat of the Heart kept the cogs turning, or if the turn of the cogs kept the Heart beating. He grimaced at it, involuntarily squeezing the leathery surface, wondering what the whale-wolf god was possibly thinking when he gave Corvo this item, what it could even do for him.

Against the pressure of his palm, the Heart sighed. And then, it spoke.

“This city, your face… both are now equally unrecognizable. But is the change skin deep, or does it burrow to corrupt the very core?”

Corvo stiffened, breath hitching as his eyes widened. The voice was more in his head than in his ears. It was distantly feminine. And disturbingly familiar.

His grip tightened again, and the whisper of a voice drifted from the Heart as its beat quickened.

“Where have the good men and women gone? I know many secrets, many pasts, but not the future.”

“What,” he choked out to the Heart, hating how his voice shook. “What do you mean? What are you saying?”

“Your thoughts are in disarray. The city has turned on you, has transformed you. You need allies, now more than ever.”

“Allies...Geoff,” he concluded, trying not to dwell on the other truths of the Heart, nor on the voice it was speaking with. He looked away from the Heart and felt a sense of amusement from it, followed by affection. It was so warm and soft in his hand, as if molding to his palm because it belonged there. It beat against his hand and he felt it nag at his mind. He looked back at it, snarling from behind his smiling mask.

“The Outsider said you'd help me find my way home,” he said to it. “I know its not home, but ...can you also point the way to Geoff Curnow?”

“Geoff Curnow,” it sighed out. “A friend, an honest man, one of few left in a world that stamps out any hope it finds.”

Corvo opened his mouth to question, but like a compass, the heart began to beat towards the path he needed to take, it's pace hastening as he headed the right direction. With tentative steps and careful jumps Corvo made his way across the rooftops, far above the cobbled and plague-ridden streets below.

As he slowed his speed to move less recklessly, Corvo gave himself a few moments to investigate Dunwall proper. The area of housing around the Bridge varied in quality; the high lives of the nobles lived in near isolation, islands in a desolate and plague-destroyed sea. The manord somehow managed to stay clean, with well manicured landscaping even in the middle of the city.

Past the wealth and radiating outward, the deterioration was exponential. Corvo noticed the prevalence of condemned buildings, of the weepers that hobbled in the sewer walkways under the city, of the increase of gang members, of the violence of the City Watch against the citizens they were supposed to protect.

“These are dark days,” the Heart mourned. “The sickness drapes over Dunwall like a burial shroud. Oh, how her people suffer!”

Corvo swallowed and couldn't help but agree. Jessamine had tried desperately to help her people and stop the onslaught of plague that had appeared a few years ago, but in her absence, the city had spiraled.

“There is more than one kind of wolf prowling these streets,” the Heart added, and Corvo said nothing to refute it. He moved on, and so did the Heart, the beat of it coaxing him onward to his destination.

It wasn't long after that Corvo stumbled upon the apartment he was looking for. In fact, he almost passed it by; the place was nondescript but well-kept; if anything, nothing more than the average living space. Corvo leaned over the roof and peered down onto the fifth story balcony, checking the area as the Heart beat wildly in his pocket.

A sharp inhale told him nobody was home. Carefully, he slipped down onto the balcony, landing lightly and without a sound, making sure to not disturb any of the potted plants. He looked at them curiously; they were dry, left out in the hopes of the coming rains, but not so dry that they hadn't been left out for more than a day. Quietly, he stepped over any fallen leaves, crouched down and crossed the apartment threshold.

Whoever Geoff Curnow was in his private life, it certainly wasn't lavish. Moderately furnished with more than a few shelves covered in details and papers, Geoff held a few heirlooms here and there, signs of his family, or perhaps his interest in the military. A few paintings lined the walls of the living space; Geoff appeared to be a fan of boats, as well as plants.

Corvo breathed carefully, letting his senses do the bulk of the investigative work. It was dusty; but not overly so: as if the air had been turned off for the day with just a ceiling fan left on to lazily circulate. The space was neat as well; not ransacked or stolen. There were dirty dishes in the kitchen sink but no food on the counter. Overall, no signs of a struggle.

And still, the Heart beat incessantly in his hand.

“What do you want me to find,” he muttered at it irritably.

“If you cannot find it,” the Heart offered, “perhaps it is unseen.”

Corvo huffed; that was entirely unhelpful and completely arbitrary advice. He stuffed the object back into his inner pocket, hoping to focus -- when his eye caught the jet black indentations of the mark on the back of his left hand.

He stared at it, lip curling unconsciously as he flexed his fingers. Gently the magic unfurled from the mark like steam, and fingers were replaced with long black claws.

Instinct, he caught himself thinking. Silently, he closed his eyes, breathed, and called for the Void.

He gasped; the magic flowed outward and so did his senses, pulsing out to reveal an unseen mosaic of information. He staggered as scent trails bombarded his mind, as items vibrated and glowed in his vision, of sounds reverberating in his ears and off the walls.

His brain reeled. He shook his hand out with a growl; the trails disappeared and left him with just the bare level of the apartment.

“The Void reveals many secrets,” the Heart mused thoughtfully. Corvo frowned at it, growling.

“Not funny,” he said, teeth clashing. It seemed to amusedly disagree.

Nevertheless, Corvo steadied himself, called the Void to his hand and tried again.

This time, it was easier. His nose was strained but he could focus now, picking out and prioritizing important scents and spots. A particularly strong scent led Corvo to an adjacent side door; Geoff's bedroom. It was here that Corvo realized the scent was of Geoff himself: through the veil of the Void it was a heady mix of sweat, of sea salt and aged wood and mountain rain. The lye of his soap sat sharp in his nose, while the bergamot of his aftershave created a pleasant undertone. A handkerchief near the bed was particularly strong with it; Corvo examined the fabric before storing it in a satchel, hoping to commit it to memory later.

Slowly, the layer of the Void lifted from his senses, letting him examine the room more naturally. It was a standard bedroom, complete with a bed and side table, a few articles of clothing strewn here or there. At the far end of the room, a desk sat, covered in paper and notes written in a hasty hand. Unable to stop his curiosity from bubbling up, Corvo beelined over to investigate.

Callista had mentioned a diary that Geoff kept for work, so Corvo spent a bit of time looking for any semblance of the book. Within the desk drawer he found just that; the small moleskine journal sat clasped and closed; Corvo opened it, flipping carefully through the pages.

“He had a male lover, once,” the Heart added. “He killed, to keep it secret.”

“Well aren't you just a fount of knowledge,” Corvo murmured back to it. It didn't reply, however, so instead he went back to the book, looking for any clues to Geoff's whereabouts.

Finally, he was able to find what he was looking for, on the very last page.

26th Day, Month of Nets

Life has been hectic, the plague just keeps getting worse, and now the Royal Protector is out of prison and at large. And yet, I still worry more about my men and Callista than I do for myself. Perhaps that's why I can tell Burrows is going to make a move soon. Not because Corvo is out of prison and I know unsavory information, but because I'm going soft, I'm less diligent now. Maybe I finally just got tired of running.

Campbell approached me at work; wants to have a meeting. He says it has to do with getting more Overseers into the streets to help along with the Watch. And it is tempting: the plague is wearing my men thin. But I know what Campbell’s involvement in all this is, so I have to expect the worst.

Either way, I'm a man of my word. I'll meet the High Overseer tomorrow, at the Abbey. It wouldn't look good to disappear now. I just hope I don't disappear soon after.

Corvo's throat caught as he swallowed. The 26th Day of Nets? Was it that far into the year already? He knew that he had been in prison for at least two months, and that it wasn't yet the Month of Rains… but how open was his window of opportunity, here? Was he already far too late to help Geoff?

The placed still held his scent, and the plants weren't too long neglected, so perhaps… perhaps there was still a chance that he wasn't too late.

Quickly, Corvo stashed the book into his satchel. Without a word he turned to leave, walking back to the balcony as fast and as quietly as he could. He looked out over the street, fist clenching as he called to the Void. He thought he heard a shout from somewhere below, but it didn't matter; he was gone, his figure dissolving and jumping up to the roof in a blink of an eye. Claws scratched against the stonework tiles, gaining traction as he leapt his lithe body forward again.

It was already past midday and Corvo didn't want to waste any more time. His hand glowed with the magic of the Mark as his skin flowed off of him, smooth as silk. In its place fur sprouted, his limbs grew, his body doubled in size. Another leap through smoke and his lupine form emerged, whole and filled with magical energy.

The sensation was entirely different from when he transformed in the prison. This felt real, natural; unpleasant, but not painful. Like changing out of a too-tight outfit. He surged onward, the power of his limbs intoxicating as he easily traversed building after building, keeping the silhouette of the bridge in his sights.

“You may change, but you stay the same...a heavy heart always did beat in your chest.”

Something sad panged in him: the words of the Heart, stored amongst the magic as he traveled. The soft statement was bittersweet, but he had no time to dwell on it.

Someone was going to die. He needed to make sure that didn't happen, not again.

He was human again when he finally landed in Samuel's boat, the smoky tendrils rising from his body like steam. Sam started as he appeared, jerking out a doze as the mask turned a sharp, glassy eye on him.

“Corvo!” He exclaimed, before clearing his throat and looking around. “Is everything alright, did you find the apartment?”

“Yes,” he rasped out, voice heavy from exertion. “And we have another stop to make.” Corvo steadied himself, pulling the mask up and off his face.

“How close can you get me to the Abbey of the Everyman?”

#dishonored #corvo attano #the heart #samuel beechworth #fic #my fic #fanfic #my fanfic #werewolf au #dishonored au #wolfbann #wolfssegner #until next time!#this story keeps me sane rn ngl

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floramodus-archive · 7 years

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begin disaster ==>

floramodus fuckfuckjfuck DAVE!!!!!!

clockworkkatana what whats up

floramodus my microscpe exploded i cant see theres glass and blood everywhere i dont wanna die again but i cant SSEE!!!

clockworkkatana whoa fuck wait what

floramodus the nuclear reactor battery in my scope combusted and i couldnt contain it all in time and it blew out my retinas and i think shattered my lens i dont know i dont know!!!!!!

clockworkkatana um fuck okay hold still ill be there in just a second

floramodus be careful i dontt know how b a d the glass went

clockworkkatana dont worry ill put on shoes just stay still a second okay? dont move

floramodus ggot that covered i kinda stopped trying when i got a shard of goddamn GLASS in my hands!!

clockworkkatana ill take care of that too just keep breathing for now im on my way

clockworkkatana "Keep breathing" is advice both to her and yourself, and you try best to follow it as the transportalizer warms up, dumping you unceremonious on the receiver pad a universe away. You swear to fuck, if another friend dies (or even is badly injured) you're going to have to break something. A fundamental force of the universe, maybe. You'res still workshopping.

"Flo?" you say, voice steady as you please, slowly opening the door to her room. You hear the crunch of glass underfoot and know you've found the right place. "It's me. It's Dave. Talk to me, Flo."

floramodus Even blind and panicking you can't help but hiccup a laugh at his voice. God, your a mess. "I know its you, Dave. It's not-" You spit out another mouthful of blood, voice wavering as you take off your glasses to cover your mangled eyes with your equally bleeding hand.

"It's not like I was expecting anyone else," you finish, twisting your body to face where you heard him enter. As casual as you tried to look you felt like you could scream; Thank fuck the explosion hadnt of hurt your ears, because seeing nothing but red and black reminded you too fondly of your time in the horrorterrors. You fumbled to find the chair with your other hand, gripping the leg when you found it. "I hope you werent working."

clockworkkatana You wince at the blood - fuck, there sure is a lot of that, huh? - and fail to summon a reassuring smile you know she can't see. "I don't know what your life's like," you counter, taking careful steps towards her, avoiding as much glass as you can manage, "best to make sure you knew it's me and not some rando, yeah?"

She turns to face you and oh good lord you think you've actually had this nightmare once or twice. How about fuck. "Jesus," you murmur under your breath before clearing your throat and raising your voice for her to hear: "Nah, don't worry about it. Not a lot's more pressing than this, don't stress about me." You reach out to place a hand on her shoulder, kneeling down beside her.

floramodus The contact snaps you farther back into reality, or breaks the overall shock. What ever the case, your still left with the throbbing pain actually hitting you for the first time. Fuck. You spend a minute trying to level your breathing. Maybe think of something witty and cool to respond with. You fail, but you'd doubt he'd give you shit for it.

"I didn't think I was doing anything dangerous," you whimper, taking your hand off your face as you try to push yourself up onto your knees. Your rewarded with surprise! More glass in your knees and the sensation of shards tangled in your tail. Keeping you head low trying to spare him more imagery then he has to see, you find his arm to touch something not laced with goddamn glass. You cant even feel yourself crying but you have an inkling you are. "I was just updating some information and I still managed to fuck up. I dont wanna die again.How else am I gonna fix this?"

clockworkkatana You are so bad at bedside manner. You take a breath and swallow down the discomfort, though, you have more important things to worry about. "We're gonna figure it out," you say, and you can almost believe yourself, saying it. "Just. Okay. First things first, we're gonna get you out of here and get you cleaned up. Sound good? Leave the worrying about to me, I can handle that."

You're still mumbling what are supposed to be reassurances when you rise slowly to your feet, sliding her arm around your neck. "Just relax and keep to breathing, yeah?" you say, carefully picking her up off the broken glass. "I got you from here." Your apartment hasn't needed to double as field hospital since Briar came back, but you've kept the kits well stocked just in case. "You don't have to fix this," you reassure. "Leave it to me. You're not gonna die again. You didn't fuck this up. S'not your fault. I'll handle this. Just let me do that, alright?"

floramodus "Don't you ever get tired of being the one to handle everything Dave?" you mumble, hissing through your teeth. Helpful as getting off a floor coated in glass was the urge to crawl right back into a ball was almost too tempting. Instead you grip tighter to him, trying to keep most of the blood off. From the smell alone you doubt its worth the work. Doesn't stop the worry from needling physical responses out of you.

"You spend so much of your time fixing things. Things that werent your fault and shouldnt be." You lean your head against him, ears flicking as you listen to him try- and fail- to appear as composed. "You can handle alot but do you ever ask if you should?" Before you even let that tangent fully settle you bring up your defense, with a breathy laugh. "I know this pickle I've gotten myself into isn't the time to question your motives I much appreciate not being a pin cushion till I expire. Your much warmer than the floor anyway."

clockworkkatana Don't you? But, then, if you won't, who will? (Or, you suppose, if you don't handle things, what are you supposed to do? Stand by and watch things happen? Never seemed your style.) "It's worth it," you reply, and you suppose it's answer enough.

It's difficult, carrying a goddess in your arms and scrolling through transportalizer coordinates to find the one that leads back home, but somehow you manage, face dour as Flora laughs. "I'd rather bear the brunt of it if it means you lot don't have to. And - don't talk like that. You're not expiring. We don't have expiration dates and you're hardly that far out if we did."

floramodus You'd roll your eyes if they werent throbbing with the rest of your skull. A classic Dave response, one you expected, but it had to be said. No use to argue with a knight after all. Instead you yawn, it twisting into a sigh. You were tired in many many ways. "I won't argue with the Time player about death dates but you know what I meant! I'm just saying being with you is a much better alternative than was my other options were."

You jump hearing the transportilizer whirring to life, having lost your awareness of your surroundings. It made you shiver, knowing where the thing was in the map in your head but not being able to pinpoint it visually. Especially when the smells switched in an instant, throwing your generally clear sense out the window. You shook your head, trying to stamp down the shaking. "And considering it feels like the horrorterrors are gonna tear me apart again, I don't particularly wanna see my other options if thats alright with you."

clockworkkatana You guess you smile at that, a lip curling with a huff of breath. "Yeah, I guess you got me there." Artemis and company give a chorus as you step inside, watching as you carrying Flora through the apartment towards Briar's room.

You still think of it as hers, anyway, and you've hardly touched it since she left, but she won't be back today or tomorrow or maybe ever so you guess it's alright to use it for its intended purpose when you rented this place. That is, a place to not bleed all over the floors and ruin your deposit. "Fine by me," you say, depositing her very gently on the bed. Talos appears in the doorframe, and you get him to go grab the medkits while you focus on getting her sorted. "Don't worry, alright? I'm right here and I got you. You're gonna be fine."

floramodus "I think at this point your saying that more for yourself than me," you chuckle, despite still shivering. Smooth, almost like you weren't having a panic attack so bad your chest felt like it was collasping. Like you couldnt feel your own pulse in between seizing pain. Tucking yourself close once you were set down, you cocked your head trying to pinpoint where you were in Dave's house. You have been here a million times but this place smelled like Briar and stale iron more than the usual scents.

"This is Briar's old place isn't it," you murmur, wiping the collecting blood off your face with the back of your hand, clenched tight enough you felt your nails digging into the cuts on your palms. Normally you wouldn't even breach that subject if you could help it but he could throw you a bone here. He could have taken you to Briar's for all you know. Though you think you couldn't have paid him enough to do so.

clockworkkatana You scowl and shoot her a scathing glare that she can't see. "I might be," you reply, taking the hint and slowing yourself right the fuck down. "Doesn't mean I don't mean it, though." Talos returns, setting down a heavy bag and rifling through supplies you've had kept safe as a just-in-case ever since you got your own place. Thank your upbringing for that, you guess.

"Oh, uh. Yeah," you falter for a moment before you shake yourself and find the bandages to wipe away the blood. You cough, finding some tweezers to start plucking the shards of glass from her skin. "Her, ah. Old room, from when she crashed with me. Yeah, why?"

floramodus It takes you a minute to get coherent enough to reply to his discomfort, due to the fact as soon you heard metal you jerked yourself back on the bed. Of course when your arm doesnt want to take your weight you fall onto your side with a hiss. Right, at Dave's. Not a doctor. Doesn't stop your pulse from trying to escape your mortal coil.

"Uh, nothing, I just smelt her is all. I just wanted to know where I was." You hated how pathetic that sounded, how pathetic you were at the moment in general. "I just smelted blood and Briar and I know thats not something I've smelt here before. Ive never gone in here, haven't had to." You didn't have to ask if this is where she had been when she came back. You could smell it. Even coming to the internet after the aftermath you could almost picture the disaster from the mosaic the smells made. It was uncomfortable almost, not organic.

clockworkkatana Ah. Right. You'd been trying not to think about how the air in here was still a little stashed with the weight of her. "Oh. No, yeah. This is her room. I haven't gone in here much since she moved. Not for like a set reason or anything I just haven't. Really had a reason to I guess." Do you sound as pathetic as you think that sounds? Eesh. Maybe stop thinking about it and focus on the task at hand.

"But no, yeah. We're still at my place." You spare a glance at her eyes when you dab at the blood with another bandage, wince at the red film that sort of leaks from her ducts. "At risk of asking maybe the dumbest question ever, how, uh. How are you feeling? How's the pain? I have stuff for it. Advil, oxycodone, morphine, the works. I'm working on the glass right now but. Talk to me, Flo."

floramodus "You say risk like theres a chance it wasn't dumb, Dave," you huff in a good natured way, glad for a segaway over you two trying to fumble over a charred bridge still smoldering with embers. You were never good at that. Which is why you guess the bridge of how you ended up like this is still left dry rotted. At least you had enough answers to satisfy your morbid curiousity. "It hurts. bad. I'm cold and i cant stop shivering. I want go to bed. I'm sleepy. It hurts. Did I mention it feels like I shot myself?"

You try sit up but get as far as shoving yourself up an inch before your slip back down. The more tired you got the more sitting still made you nervous. Like every second that crawled past was gonna drag you with it. "Whats the diagnosis doc? Am I gonna have to go to the rainbow bridge to fix this?" you said, yelping at the last few words as he pulled out a sizable chunk. Note to self: bulletproof glass.

clockworkkatana "Do you want these fucking drugs or not," you fire back, cracking a grin as you reel back from potentially dive-bombing into angsty horseshit again. "But. Yeah. Okay, I can work with that. Just let me get the rest of these shards out-" the words are eclipsed by a particularly tricky sliver that feels bad just to watch abscond from her skin, nevermind how it must feel on the extraction, "-and I'll let you rest. I can give you something for that, too. I'll even let you borrow my good blanket, alright?"

She shifts as you drop another shard into the little bowl you're containing them all in, and you put a hand on her shoulder to ease her back down. "Don't move, alright? You're gonna be just fine. I'm gonna patch you up and you'll be right as rain, no rainbow bridge required."

floramodus "I've never had pain meds in my life but at this point I'll take anything- it'll keep me from BITING you at least," you growl, the irony of your bared teeth not lost on you even as you fight the urge to snap his hand. "I'm doing my best here ok," you continue, as if your hands werent aching from tension, "But you know damn well I'm not gonna take anything of yours unless were sharing it Dave." Were you afraid of being alone and blind? Maybe. He didn't have to know that. He probably already did. Your friendship was infuriating like that.

You tried to think of a conversation that would fit in between the silence and not sound stupid, but really, what wouldn't? Sure lets talk about the weather while your laying here, blind as a bat, whimpering as you scratch at your own eyes because they felt like goddamn sandpaper. Real casual.

"It's hell actually caring that you exist," you finally say, turning you head to look at him. "Before I made such progress when I didn't care if each time I died it could end up just. Now? its so frustrating that every option is a dead end! Even with all the knowledge and equipment I have I'm failing Bec again and again just like I failed David, Rose, John.........All of you when I couldn't just find a goddamn solution and be able to stop!"

Another piece, another panging spasm. "The saddest thing is theres solutions all around but guess what? I don't want any of you hurt. Not if I tried to play the game again, you using that damned book of yours. Why can't that be solace enough to quit? Why do I still do this? I've probably learnt too much from you." you conclude, turning your head back around with a sigh.

clockworkkatana “I know, I know,” you begin, though she beats you to the punch and drops you with a couple of bombshells that have you sighing and silent. The morphine is right where you left it from last time, and you rattle the bottle a little in your hand, toying with the cap. “I don’t need morphine.”

The hand on her shoulder cups her face - you don’t know anything about anything but you don’t think scratching at her eyes is going to help things - for a moment before pulling away, and you match her sigh with one of your own. “You aren’t failing anyone,” you say, and you mean it, really you do, but even to you the words sound tired. “The game just fucked you, straight up. You shouldn’t have to torture yourself over reworking and reverse-engineering this fucking. Planet-ending crock of eldritch horror straight from a Sims-addicted serial killer’s fantasy fever dream to try and undo what basically amounts to fate bullshit and destiny /fucks/. That shouldn’t be on you, Flora.”

You pluck what you think is the last shard of glass and drop it unceremoniously into the bowl, waving your hand in the air in a gesture she can’t even see. “Don’t even talk about playing again, dude. I know you’re hurting for answers but for real. Don’t mess with that. I’ll take the stupid book and whatever it did to Briar over you going back in there any day of the week.” At the mention of the tome, you glance over to see it resting on the cleared-out space of Briar’s desk. As though it’d been there all along, beckoning. “What could it do to me, anyway.”

floramodus You crack a small smile at his colorful tangent, knowing realistically he was right. It wasn't your choice to play. It wasn't your choice to die. And yet, here you were. Fumbling with your hand, you wave it like an unsure dog until you make contact with his arm, gripping it. "It could do a hell of alot to you Dave and you know it. You don't what it does you've said it yourself. Do you think I could live with myself if it did something?"

You let go, moving your blood stuck bangs off your forehead, wincing at the pang of pain that radiates up your forearm. "I survived losing everyone I care for Dave. I thought that was the worst that could happen. I know I'm wrong about that. If something hurt you id easily find something just without thought. You don't know how much you've made this life worth living. It's an option, yeah, but you've got to look at yourself and know that."

You lay your arm back down on your stomach, sucking air in through your teeth. Who knew being covered in glorified papercuts would sting so much? "But don't worry, I won't play the game again. That I can leave in the past and not be discontent."

clockworkkatana You shrug to that. Hypothetically, from what you know? It could do a great fucking deal of a lot. Briar’d only used it as last resort, and look what she had to show for it. Then again, so had you, and you’d seen no adverse side effects, aside from the one where she moved out. “It wouldn’t kill me,” you reply. “Besides, I’ve used it before. How do you think I brought Briar back?”

You wince in empathy, shaking out the morphine pills and pressing them gently into her hand while Talos exits to grab her a drink. Then you wince again, when her words process. “Come on, Flo,” you begin, a pang of guilt racking you as she carries on. “I care about you too, you know that. And that’s exactly why I’m bringing it up: I want to fix this, and the book is… it’s good at fixing things. You wouldn’t lose me for that - no one would.”

You make a hum of appreciation at the appeasement of that particular nightmare. “We don’t have to do anything right now. We don’t have to make any decisions yet. But we’ll figure something out. Maybe it’s the book, maybe it’s another way. But we’ll find a way to fix this. I promise that.”

floramodus You let the tension ebb out of your shoulders at his affirmations, but still let a frown creep through. Yeah, he had brought her back, but you knew things like that, never worked the same way twice. However, if he insisted everything would work out, you were inclined to believe him. Many drunken and wounded nights in the past year had proven his words correct; Everything would be ok if you believed him.

"Not like I'm in the right place to be making any important decisions" you joke, giving the pills a tentative sniff. Dave could have given you cyanide for all you care, but the sharp scent of sulfate and stale wrongness still sent a shudder down your spine. Gross. "But your right, nothing we can do tonight anyway. I just-" you pause, trying to prop and pull yourself up so you could take these pills without choking, and manage to pull yourself up just enough to be able to slump your weight on your elbow. You take By then you didn't know how to finish that statement, so you throw the pills in your mouth and chase them down with the water Talos brings a few minutes later into your pondering. What did you wish for? To be able to be better at being the powerful god you wanted to be? Or that he would have been David, giving you someone that actually cared enough to try? "I just care too much, but thats always been my problem hasn't it?"

#action #plot #clockworkkatana #blood /#eye horror /#gore /#injury /#suicide mention /#death mention /#drugs /#literally ask to tag theres so much #but heres what shes been up too #long /#really goddamn long /

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terriblevocaloidshit · 7 years

Text

Mod Mew Reads! “Don’t Trust Anyone, Not Even Yourself” (PART ONE)

Hihi, guys, and welcome back to Mod Mew Reads! And it only took eight months! Today, we’re gonna be reading something special. It’s gonna be big, it’s gonna be huge, and it’s gonna be personal. Why? Because today, we’re looking at the first three chapters of a fanfiction.

A fanfiction that I wrote.

That’s right! Today we’re looking at Chapters 1 and 2 of Forbidden Magnetism, my GakuKai fanfiction I wrote three years ago! Is it as bad as I’m making it out to be? Well, let’s not stall any longer. Let’s dive in HEAD FIRST!

Kaito and Gakupo both have new girlfriends, they both love them so much. However, when they meet each other in a practice studio, an attraction that shouldn't be forms between the two. How long can this magnetism last before they are caught? Rated M for later chapters containing smut. Yaoi, boy on boy, KaitoxGakupo. UPDATED FROM MY TUMBLR WITH CORRECT SPELLING.

For a little context, I based this entire fanfic off of this video. The video is five years old and the creator has not updated in three years, but just watching it brings back memories. Hot tip for high school me; don’t make a name for yourself critiquing fanfic and then write a shitty one yourself. Anyways, enough stalling.

Fate is a bitch.

I still think this is my best opening line of anything ever.

This is the conclusion Gakupo came to after the events that happened. First, he had finally asked Luka out, and, to his suprise, said yes.

Oi, past me, have you heard of this hot new tool called SpellCheck? “Surprise” still gives me trouble, but good lord.

However, he couldn't kiss her, not at the school. Luka had told him her best friend, Miku, also got a boyfriend not too long ago. He had decided to stay after in the school's expansive practice school, to write her a song.

Why was fate a bitch?

Because as soon as he stepped in, his eyes fell on a beautiful person.

He knew immediately who the person was. It was Kaito. He was part of the 'Big Five', the most popular kids at the high school. The most popular of them all was Kaito's new girlfriend, Hatsune Miku. If you were associated with them in any way, you were considered 'popular', or at the very least, 'known'.

The ‘Big Five’ in my mind were Miku, Luka, Rin, Len, and Gumi, if I’m remembering correctly.

Kaito was 16, but he looked around 20. He was tall, with dark blue hair. He always wore his scarf, no matter what.

OH YEAH I FORGOT I MADE THE CHARACTERS TEENS. Spoilers, but they have sex in later chapters, so I wrote underage smut when I myself was underage. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I know age of consent laws are very iffy, and the AoC in my state is 16 years old, but to me the AoC always will be 18.

He was beautiful.

And staring right at Gakupo.

The events that followed were a blur in his mind. He remembered walking towards Kaito, and the next thing they knew, they were kissing furiously, unable to stop.

Fun fact, the inspiration for this scene was a seen in Brokeback Mountain.

What had lead up to this?

Well, first off a thirsty 15 year old girl who had an unfortunate habit of fetishizing gay men, but that’s a story for another day.

Gakupo remembered talking to him, remembered him being asked to practice a duet with Kaito that he was going to do with Miku. His memory fogs up, then clears up around the time he hit the wall while making out with Kaito. They didn't want to break the contact, not even to breath, as of they feared that if they did, they could never kiss each other again. Their tongues were fighting for dominance, but it was becoming painfully clear that Gakupo was the dominate one.

The tall one isn’t always the dominate one open up your eyes sheeple.

Finally, the need for air overpowered their want for each other.

There’s this funny little thing called your nose, try breathing through that.

They broke apart, gasping for air. Gakupo could feel that just the kissing had made them both half hard. He wanted to continue, so badly. However, the sudden realizations that both of them had girlfriends hit him like a bullet train.

YEAH NO SHIT ASSHOLE!!

He pushed himself off of Kaito, and, without another word, left the studio.

What school has a professional recording studio? All I had at my high school was a shitty photo room we used as a storage closet.

If the two boys had been smarter, that meeting would have been just a little fling, and nothing more.

YOU STILL CHEATED ON YOUR GIRLFRIENDS YOU FUCKSUCKS!

However, nobody could even begin to guess how far out of control this situation would get. And it all started thanks to a magnetism that shouldn't have been felt.

Kabosoi hi ga kokoro no hashi ni tomoru Itsu no ma ni ka moehirogaru netsujou

... What? Once a weeb always a weeb.

—

(AN: So, yeah. That 's the first chapter. More to come! By the way, if this seems like déjà vu, it's because I've posted this on my tumblr [URL HAS SINCE CHANGED]. I've fixed the spelling errors in this version. Enjoy!)

Sure you did.

And that’s it for chapter one! Sadly, I’m a masochist who loves inflicting pain on myself and we still have chapter two to read through tonight, so let’s fuckin do that shit.

(AN: Alright, still going! On tumblr, I mentioned that I didn't want to write smut. Well, I will soon, I promise you. Enjoy chapter two!)

Here’s a tip for anyone writing smut; let your inhibitions go. otherwise, it’ll be so obvious that you’re uncomfortable.

—-

It had been a couple of days since their 'meeting', and both boys had become a bit restless, unable to shake the memory of each other out of their minds. They couldn't really see each other during the day, and they felt as if they were slowly going insane. They hoped their girlfriends didn't notice.

They did.

Oh, they noticed that you two fucking CHEATED ON THEM huh?!

Luka decided to keep silent about the situation, and not inquire Gakupo. After all, if the problem was truly bothering him, he would've told her by now. She chalked it up to nerves.

Kids, if you’re having relationship troubles, just talk it out with the person, it’ll be so much better in the long run.

Miku, on the other hand, was the talkative type.

Speakin of which, if this goes up on time, happy 10th birthday, Miku!

She expressed her emotions through many words. Including her concern over Kaito.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Miku asked one day between classes. She needed to know. Otherwise, it would drive her nuts trying to figure it out for herself.

Kaito smiled sweetly at her. "It's nothing, Miku," he lied. He was a performer. He could fake any emotion at the drop of a hat. And no one could see he was faking.

No one, that is, except Miku.

I want to re-write this but like, not have the guys cheat on the girls??? Polyamory, it’s a thing.

"Don't lie to me, Kaito," Miku said sternly. "I won't be mad. I promise." Her puppy dog eyes seem to be staring right into Kaito's soul.

No, trust me, you’ll be pissed.

"I'm just nervous. You're my first real girlfriend. I don't want to mess this up."

I actually ship KaiMeiko more so LMAO @ past me.

Miku grinned. "Was that all? Well, that's a relief! I thought it was something seriously bad. I'll try not to make you nervous."

Kaito was relieved that she believed him. There were truth to his words; Miku was his first girlfriend, and he didn't want to screw up too badly. However, in his mind, making out with your girlfriend's best friend's boyfriend (try saying that three times) qualified as 'screwing up', and was in the subcategory of 'screwing up pretty damn badly'.

JESUS YOU FUCKIN THINK!!!

The warning bell rang, and Miku gave him a quick kiss goodbye, before rushing to her classroom.

Kaito always felt a spark when he kissed Miku. He always felt like it was right, like she was the one.

But no matter how hard he tried to deny it, he had felt that same spark during that meeting with Gakupo.

See, this is something that I liked; Kaito having feelings for both Miku and Gakupo was super interesting to me, and I want to expand on it one day, but maybe in a format that’s... well, less shit.

Also, looking back, this might’ve been me working through the fact that I’m bisexual...

Because of their concern, the girl decided a double date would set everyone at ease. They planned it out, and didn't tell the boys about it until the day of. The boys didn't have any choice but to say yes.

For the girl, the date went just as planned. The park they chose was close enough so everyone could walk there and back, yet secluded enough for them to enjoy the day in peace. They had a nice day, and things felt right.

For the boys, it was a totally different story. Every time they saw the other's girlfriend kiss them, they wanted to say "No, he's mine." But they knew they couldn't. It was as if the girls were trying to make them envious. Envious of a love that they wanted to share with each other.

After the date had ended, and both girl went home, the boys arrived at Gakupo's house. They decided to make a promise: whenever they could, they would meet up at one of their houses, and leave when dawn came around. No one would know except them. It was the perfect plan. As soon as they agreed, they began kissing.

Hey past me, if you actually took time to develop scenes instead of acting like you’re Sonic The Hedgehog and speeding through them, maybe your writing wouldn’t be as shit.

Of course, anyone with half of a brain could see this promise was idiotic and flawed in so many ways.

No, really? I can’t see how cheating on your s/o with their best friend’s s/o is a bad idea, not at all!

—

(AN: The next chapter is just going to kind of be a filler. I'd still read it, but hey, it's just gonna be a filler. Don't kill me. Thanks!)

A lot of these chapters were filler, don’t lie to yourself.

Overall reaction:

Me @ my past self CATCH THESE FISTS.

Oh god oh god that was so bad. Maybe if I snark all of it, we can all heal together. I could see where I was going, I really could, but GOD it’s so bad.

And to all the fucking obvious cheating going on?

Well, thank y’all for reading, and I’ll see you next game!

~ Mod Mew

*Who’s currently cringing oh god why the hell did I think that was okay at all*

#mod mew #mod mew reads #vocaloid #Vocaloid KAITO #gakupo kamui #GakuKai #hhhhhhh this si so bad why did i think this was okay!!!

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thezolblade · 7 years

Note

16. “It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” - Sveta and Karis

[Hey it’s a little late, but here it is for femslash february…]

Sveta lay awake in the darkness of her quarters, letting the distant hum of the engines wash over her thoughts, an endless ocean of static.

Should she give up on the idea of rest, at least for now? If she visited the observation deck, she could lose herself in an ocean of stars instead. The moonlight would illuminate the vaguest outlines of the dark clouds below, and the cold air would carry the scent of life, even at this altitude.

She scraped back her blankets, then paused at the sound of movement in the adjoining room. Her guest was still awake.

Sveta switched on her bedside lamp, and took a moment to smooth out her nightgown. A couple of hesitant footsteps heralded the swish of the door; Karis jerked her hand away as it opened before her, still unused to Tuaparang machinery.

“I, uh, am I…?”

“It’s okay.” Sveta offered her a smile, shifting back to the edge of the bed and extending her arm in invitation. “I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

“Oh, good. I mean, I’m sorry you couldn’t sleep, but if you’ve got time to talk, about the mission…?” Karis tiptoed over, stifling sharp breaths each time she made contact with the chill metal floor.

“Are you getting cold feet?” Sveta checked.

“I should have remembered my slippers.” Karis bundled herself into bed and pulled the blankets up to her neck, then stifled another little gasp and propped herself up on one elbow. “Oh, the mission. No, no, I’m fine. I just wanted to go over it with you, where we’re up to, and what’s next. I know you haven’t had much time to babysit me these last few weeks, and I’m grateful for your explanations, but there are still a few things bothering me, and I, well, I’d rather ask in private.”

“You may ask me anything, Karis. I hope I have made that clear.”

“You have, but I wouldn’t want to ask an embarrassing question in front of your troops. Your agents? Whatever the correct term is.”

“You needn’t concern yourself with semantics or appearances. I owe you a great debt of gratitude for your forbearance and aid, considering the circumstances of our first meeting. The least I owe you in return is a satisfactory explanation.”

“Thank you, your Highness.” Karis paused, registering the faint smile on her face. “I mean, thank you, Sveta.”

“What are your concerns?”

“Matthew and the others will reach Belinsk soon, won’t they? And they’ll definitely be able to meet with the resistance? With, uh, Volecheck, wasn’t it? Even in Sanan territory?”

“Yes, he has made arrangements to meet with your friends. Are you nervous about seeing them again?”

“A little.” Karis ducked her gaze to the mattress, then took a steady breath and met Sveta’s gaze again. “They must still think I’ve been kidnapped. I tried to reassure them at the Konpa Ruins, when we met them at the southern exit, but I didn’t know much at the time, except that I wanted to stay with you. And you’d told them to meet me there in order to guarantee my safety, and - and then you ran of with me after all. Tyrell wouldn’t stop cursing…”

“Do you wish we had stayed longer?”

“No, I couldn’t have persuaded them that I knew what I was doing, even with a few more minutes. They’d have closed the distance and picked a fight. We had to run.”

“Are you sure you knew what you were doing?” Sveta asked, pressing her claws into the blankets to hide her own nerves.

“Yes.” Karis reached out to stroke her arm, an easy smile lighting up her face. “I’d sensed your soul. How could I leave you after touching upon so much grief and love, so much fear for the sake of a world that has no idea you exist? You’d die for us without asking for so much as acknowledgement.”

Sveta let out a shaky sigh, shivering briefly under her touch. “Let us hope it does not come to that.”

“…Yeah.” Karis stared into her eyes for a few moments too long.

Sveta looked down to fiddle with the blankets again. “If you fear an unpleasant confrontation at Talon Peak, then you are welcome to remain on the airship.”

“No, I should be there to smooth things over. Even if I can’t tell them everything, I can tell them to trust me. Once we’ve helped them out against a roc, they’ll have to listen, won’t they?”

“We must hope so.”

“I’m more worried about whether Lord Kuan will hold off on executing Eoleo. Prisoners don’t usually survive that long after committing crimes against the Sanan Empire…”

“Chalis has convinced Emperor Ko that Eoleo will serve as bait to draw in the beastman rebels. Lord Kuan has received his orders. Eoleo is safe for now.”

“So he’s really convinced? Chalis must be pretty good…”

“She is.”

“Then, uh, that only leaves the worst part.” Karis hesitated, her form draped in long shadows by the lamplight. “Volechek has done all he can to prepare Morgal for the Eclipse, hasn’t he?”

“Yes. The resistance have spread the word. Every beastman settlement should be ready to hole up underground, where they will be safe. The rebels have been stepping up their raids on Sanan settlements, pushing the civilians to retreat to fortified areas. When the Eclipse hits, Emperor Ko’s army will be exposed in Morgal and Ayuthay. Morgal will be freed, and the rest of Angara will be rescued from the prospect of war.”

“Right. Then Volechek and the others will collect the Umbra gear, and we’ll meet them at the Apollo Lens to end the Eclipse before it spreads. Once we’ve rebalanced Weyard’s energies, you’ll finally be in a position to do something about the vortexes.”

“Yes.” Sveta’s answer came out almost inaudibly soft.

“And you’ll be able to reclaim your ancestral home. I’ve been doing some reading, while you’ve been in meetings. The Fang Tribe and the Zenith Tribe were almost wiped out, weren’t they? Almost a thousand years ago. These new beastmen are descendants of your scattered ancestors. Once your family takes back Morgal, you’ll be able to govern your kin, after freeing them from decades of oppression. It’ll all be worthwhile. So don’t blame yourself for what happens in the meantime.”

Sveta shook her head, clawing small holes in the mattress. “No matter how carefully we prepare, salvation will come too late for some. Who knows how many…?”

Karis took hold of her wrist. “We must acknowledge the blood that we spill, and that which we stem, even without knowing how they compare. We’ll never know the cost of inaction.”

“No… You’re right.”

“Our preparations might spare us some unpleasant surprises.” Karis leaned in until their noses were almost touching, and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Uh, about Chalis. I haven’t had much chance to get close to her, or to sense her unguarded thoughts, but lately I’ve been getting the impression she might not leave the Umbra gear in Volechek’s hands. If she beats him to the controls of the Apollo Lens, I - I think she might mean to fire on Tuaparang itself. And Blados supports her.”

“I have sensed the same thing,” Sveta assured her. “I have spoken to Arcanus, and he also suspects that his fellow officers are not loyal to my father.”

“Do you have a plan?”

“We will keep an eye on them, and confront them at the most opportune time.”

“Would you let me stay with you, from now on? In meetings, in battles, and at night?” Karis bit her lip, blushing as her own words reached her ears. “I wouldn’t want to be separated from you when they show their hand. They could have bought the loyalty of any number of your guards - they’re so hard to read - ”

“Of course you may accompany me. In truth, I have been telling myself to give you as much space as you might reasonably expect. I did not count on your friendship, or your loyalty - ”

“You have my friendship, and far more. That’s why I have to ask… Do you truly intend to leave the Umbra gear with Volechek?”

“I - I suppose you have guessed that whoever fires the Apollo Lens is unlikely to survive, even with the Umbra gear’s protection.” Sveta hesitated, and her guest nodded, squeezing her wrist. “I cannot ask Volechek to sacrifice himself at a moment’s notice. He has already shouldered his share of burdens, and he did not choose this path. These new beastmen already look to him for leadership. In another life, in another world, I might have found myself in his place, and I am not sure I could have found the strength… Since I know what lies ahead, I must steel myself to face it for him. Please do not tell anyone. If my father found out…”

“Sveta, no, of course I won’t betray your confidence, but you don’t have to take this on yourself. We could tell them sooner… we could find a way…”

“This is the best way. I honestly believe I stand the best chance of surviving the light. The blood of emperors flows in my veins. I must put it to use by protecting my people, or else I am not fit to ask anything of them.”

Karis drew in a harsh breath, but her voice was level when she spoke. “I’ll go with you.”

“You can’t…”

Though Karis lay still, her spirit surged forwards, closing the gap between them with an ethereal kiss. Sveta gasped and drew back, her lips tingling.

“I’ll go with you,” Karis repeated, her lips curling into a smile. “I’ll lend you my strength. Maybe it won’t be enough, but then neither of us will have to face the end alone.”

“Karis…”

“I chose this path too.”

Sveta tried to refuse her, but the words wouldn’t form in her throat. When Karis reached for her hand, Sveta surprised them both by pulling her into a crushing hug.

“I am s-so sorry to ask - ”

“You didn’t.” Karis kissed away her tears, sliding an arm around her back. “I offered, remember? I’m yours.”

#rozzlynn's fanfic #golden sun #femslash february #sveta #karis

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betsyhavekost91 · 7 years

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Single-minded and Whole-hearted.

Back in February, I was given the privilege to speak on singleness at a Valentine’s event for college students: to share my thoughts on it, the trials and joys of it, and advice for walking in it. If you can believe it is even possible, a lot of this was packed into 15ish minutes of sharing. (And you’re thinking, “wow she must really be a fast talker!”) I am still learning and growing in the place of singleness that God has me, and these truths are some that I go back to regularly. Like probably on the daily, if I’m honest.

Why I blog: I love words and often best process what I am learning through writing. As a result, this blog of mine has become a way for me to look at seasons of life and the things God is teaching me in and through them. I have been meaning to make time to post this for almost 5 months, and hooray! I finally sat down and did it.

(Please note that these all start with a P since I love alliterations.)

Lessons I’ve learned and truths I continue to claim:

1. Perspective.

The angle from which you view something or the lens you look through can alter your perception. When flying in an airplane, the cars below seem small. Yet, standing in the street as a semi approaches, the vehicle suddenly seems very large. Viewpoint makes a huge difference.

No, singleness isn’t always a choice. But my perspective of it and my response to it is.

What lens am I viewing my singleness through? Do I view it as a gift or a burden? As an opportunity, or as a state of misery? In light of my singleness, am I thinking about the eternal or temporal?

My perspective determines my gratitude and dictates my joy.

If you have read any of my past blogs, it seems like so many of the things God has been teaching me come into contact with each other in this. I love the Ann Voskamp quote that says

“Joy is a function of gratitude, and gratitude is a function of perspective. You only begin to change your life when you begin to change the way you see.” (Read that once more and think about it. Pretty profound, really).

As mentioned in past blogs, a verse that has been especially personal to me in the past 2 years is Psalm 116:7. In fact, just the week before last I sat down and reflected on the goodness of God in this season.

Psalm 116:7 “Be at rest once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

I have seen in times of anxiety, discontentment, and uncertainty how God has used this promise to remind me to be thankful.

When I sit down, look back and around, and list specific ways in which I have seen God’s goodness (not just say “God is good,” but actually list tangible ways I see His goodness), my soul really has found rest and my perspective has been reset. Claiming ways in which He has blessed me with good and has used my singleness, specifically, for good serves to shift me out of just about any pity party I might try to throw for myself.

Jesus was the example of choosing His perspective, and in Hebrews 12:2-3, we are called to do the same.

Hebrews 12:2-3 “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

As Jesus stood accused, despite His perfect innocence, He looked beyond His current pain, rejection, and persecution to the joy of making you and I (sinful humans) righteous before a holy God.

When my eyes are on me and my current circumstances, gosh, my perspective can turn to woe, selfishness, and discontentment.

When I consciously and deliberately choose to fix my eyes on Him and on eternity, life perspective shifts back to where it rightly belongs.

One of my favorite reminders of perspective and joy comes from the funny-sounding book of Habakkuk:

Habakkuk 3:17-19 “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

Regardless of what is going on in my life-- whether it is filled with discouragement or encouragement-- my hope, salvation, and joy are not dependent upon my circumstances. Rather, my hope, salvation, and joy are found in Jesus, in God my Savior. I have to continue returning to that perspective and choosing to rejoice.

2. Purpose.

Why am I even here? Why are you even here?

God could have taken me right up to heaven after I’d accepted Christ, yet instead He left me here for a reason.

Ultimately, I am here on earth to: know Him more, point others to Him, and glorify Him.

I love how Grace Thornton puts it:

“Our whole life is about knowing Him and making Him known. That’s what we’re here for. That’s all we’re here for. Even the most normal day was never meant to be about me. …There are a whole lot of people who don’t even know that hope exists.” – Grace Thornton

We live in a world full of people who are either going to spend their eternity in heaven or hell. 1 John 5:11-12 says those who have the Son have life, and those who don’t have the Son don’t have life. It’s a big deal. Souls are at stake.

Paul boldly lived out his purpose (and yes, he was single. But this applies to any and every one of us—single, dating, or married.)

Acts 20:24 “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.”

And he wrote to the believers in Ephesus, Philippi, and Colosse to do the same:

Ephesians 4:1 “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.”

Philippians 1:27 “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.”

Colossians 1:10-12 “And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.”

We are here for more. We are called to live lives worthy of the Gospel. Most people spend their lives trying to figure out their purpose, but as believers we already know the answer to that question. Remember why you are here in the first place, and I guarantee that it serves to shift your perspective.

This should be your purpose whether you are single, dating, engaged, or married. To know the Lord and point people to Him.

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” -Jim Elliot

3. Position in Him.

My worth and identity does not rest in my relationship status or in how others view me. Praise Jesus for that. And oh, how often do I need to remind myself of that truth.

Instead, my worth and identity are determined by the fact that: I am made in His image, I am called His own, and I am being transformed into His likeness.

There are hundreds of verses in the Bible that remind of truth that I am known, loved, redeemed, chosen, His, delighted in, forgiven, made new, accepted, rescued, led, and the list goes on- and not one of them says that those truths are dependent upon my relationship status with a significant other. Rather, they are dependent upon my relationship status with my Savior.

He is unchanging and sure, so my position in Him is also unchanging and sure. It doesn’t waver or change with my fluctuating emotions or circumstances.

This is incredibly crucial whether you are single, dating, or married. If you find worth in what others think of you, whether a guy or gal is totally into you, or in how well you are loved by a(n imperfect) human, you will be disappointed.

God has so challenged me in this area over the last two years. I was in a relationship with a stellar guy, and he was unsure of our relationship after initially being so sure.

God had to remind me again and again that my worth was not determined by whether a guy wanted to continue to date me—rather, regardless of my status as girlfriend or not, I am valuable, loved, accepted, chosen, called, and held by my Creator.

4. His Presence is constant, regardless.

Regardless of my circumstances-- of the hills and the valleys in life--this statement is true.

I have been in relationships and in seasons of singleness, yet He has been faithful and present throughout each circumstance.

He has also brought me to seasons in which no one else fully understands or grasps my situation, and I think it is because He is jealous for my attention. In those moments of wishing someone else could just “get” what I am walking through, He has sweetly reminded me that He does get it, entirely. And it makes me cling to Him all the more.

During a year full of rotations for occupational therapy school and (what seemed like) constant change, this verse in Deuteronomy was vital to my fearful heart. And during the past year of living in a new town, working with patients who have experienced so much loss, and seeing family and friends experience deep loss, this verse has continued to be a favorite.

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Ahead of me and right beside me through whatever joy or sorrow I face, He is and He will be.

Isaiah 46:4 “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

Sustainer. Creator. Rescuer.

There may not always be an answer to “why” things are the way they are, and sometimes that is the case so that I choose to trust in, cling to, and claim Him more than before. That’s why this C.S. Lewis quote has quickly been put to memory.

“I know now Lord why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer.” -CS Lewis

Sometimes God’s only clear answer to the “why” is: “Because you know and experience more of Me in this circumstance and through this circumstance than ever before.”

Get to know His presence, get to know Him. Get alone with God.

5. His Plan is always perfect. (Yes, it sounds cliché.)

Nothing that happens in my life is a coincidence, rather, there is always a purpose for it.

However, I can’t always see the purpose for it right now. (And yes, this is sometimes the hardest part of it all, being a control freak.)

Ultimately, God is using all to conform me to the likeness of His Son. Nothing is wasted or in vain.

I used to think of Romans 8:28 in a very cliché way, and then a mentor of mine pointed out verse 29, (I mean, who knew that 29 came after 28?) which talks about God using all things for our good in order that we would be conformed to the likeness of His Son. And oh, have I seen that to be true.

Romans 8:28-29a “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son.”

God can use any relationship, breakup, time of singleness, or marriage to build character and draw me closer to Him. He can use any victory or success, any grief or loss to do this. And that is the ultimate goal- to become more and more like Him. Not just to be blissfully happy in every moment I spend on earth.

Often, the things God does don’t seem to make sense. They don’t fit the ideal plan that I would have laid out. But that is why He is God and not me. I have found sweet comfort this past year in that reality, as I watched a dear friend walk through cancer and God call her home, seeing God bring different outcomes than I would have planned or preferred.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 “As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.”

And ultimately, It all comes down to believing the truth that God is sovereign and good, and that His sovereignty and goodness interact perfectly.

That, just as He demonstrates in Isaiah 40, He is in complete, total, ultimate control. That He can orchestrate any and every circumstance as He deems. Yet, as He says in Psalm 34 and Psalm 107, He is good, and in His goodness He knows and wants what is best for me. Choose to believe that He acts in accordance with those truths of His character.

6. Persistence is important. For resetting my perspective, for choosing Him, for choosing joy.

I think I used to view contentment as this goal to attain, and, in my naïve 18-year-old mind (yes, many moons ago), I also thought “Once I am content, then God will bring him (the guy) along.”

Now, I realize that contentment is a dynamic process that evolves, ebbs, and flows. (And to be honest, I’ve never been sure which part is the ebbing or flowing, but that’s beside the point).

Contentment isn’t this ultimatum or peak that I reach and in which God says “Congratulations Betsy, you made it! Now you can have all the things you have desired!” Nope, that’s not it. Instead, contentment in Him keeps me dependent. I have to persist, to constantly take my temperature and reset my perspective.

One day I had a thought: maybe I am never fully content on this side of eternity so that I keep running back to Him again and again. Maybe He just wants me to keep coming to decision-points in which I am challenged to choose Him again. And again. And again.

That He desires, over and over, for me to claim that He is sufficient, that His love is enough, that I need Him. Because let’s face it, the struggle for contentment is in everything. In wanting more money, more stuff, more success, more recognition, more and more. It’s a challenge we continue to face.

Hebrews 13:5-6 “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’”

Psalm 4:7 “You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.”

Psalm 36:7-9 “How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.”

Keep choosing Him. Because in the assurance of His presence, the assurance of His joy, and the assurance of my salvation, I have more than enough.

“Oh what grace I’ve found in you, My Jesus, that my soul should entertain your greatness. Should this life hold nothing but My Savior, I will praise you always.” -”What a Savior”, Hillsong United

I can honestly say that some of the times of greatest contentment and joy in my life have come when I live for why I’ve been created---to show others who He is and to walk in closeness with Him. When I have seen others start to grasp Christ and delight in knowing Him. Funny how it says just that in Isaiah.

Isaiah 58:6-12, 14 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter--when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become light the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters will never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

...then you will find your joy in the Lord..”

Persistence in this is key. Keep walking faithfully.

7. Play as if days are numbered, because they are.

My days on earth are numbered, but singleness allows for a lot of time and freedom in those days. My 26 years have provided numerous opportunities to be spontaneous and available and faithful.

None of us are guaranteed to even get to 30. (Unless you are 30 already. Then you are guaranteed that :)).

But as the psalmist said in Psalm 90, we number our days to gain a heart of wisdom. When we live as if our days are short, it changes how we use them.

Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

The amount of time left on the clock should affect the way we live.

If the Huskers are down by 7 from their own 25-yard line with 1:07 left on the clock, they sure aren’t going to run it up the gut each time. The time dictates the play-calling. We use our time strategically in sports, and it should be the same in life.

When I realize how short my time is, I don’t want to spend it waiting or wallowing in my singleness, because I don’t want to waste my life.

I have seen the benefits of my seasons of singleness in which distractions are limited. I don’t have a husband and children to care for, and it affords me so many opportunities to be spontaneous (and also planned and intentional) in the way I use my time. 1 Corinthians affirms this.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs- how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world-- how he can please his wife-- and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world-- how she can please her husband.”

Use your undivided attention in an intentional way.

I studied Proverbs last year with some incredible women, and came across Proverbs 20:4:

Proverbs 20:4 “A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.”

Normally I’d skip over this, but for some reason it jumped out at me this time.

I likely wouldn’t classify myself as a sluggard in terms of laziness. But then I thought about the definition of a sluggard.

A sluggard could be someone who is passive rather than actively engaged in the task set before them.

I don’t want to be a sluggard in this season of my life. Instead, I want to be

investing in people

actively engaged in pursuing Christ

embracing the benefits and blessings of where I am

I want to look at my life and see fruit in this season, rather than looking at it during harvest and finding it produced very little. We sow now to reap later. Sow purposefully, actively, and intentionally with the time given.

Singleness presents trials and struggles.

Culture- tells us we “should be married by..” and that we aren’t complete if we don’t have a significant other. It also provides social media to constantly compare ourselves to others.

Lies- it’s easy to be barraged by the lies that “you aren’t good enough,” “you aren’t beautiful enough to be pursued,” or (for men) “you aren’t enough of a man to pursue her.”

Disappointment- “If God knows this is a desire of mine, why would He withhold it? The Bible even says marriage is good, so why would He keep a good thing from me?”

Quick side note I heard last week: God does not withhold any good thing that will bring me more of Himself. So, if my definition of “ultimate good” is: to be known by God and to know God more intently and intimately, then I can trust that I already have every good thing that will bring me to know Him more. If there is a good thing that will conform me to His likeness and make me love Him more- He gives it. If not, I am not yet supposed to have it.

Comparison/expectations- how easy it is to compare our stories to everyone else’s. Be cautious of this, because God creates each of us so uniquely. I shouldn’t expect my story to be identical to another’s, and I shouldn’t expect a relationship I am in to look exactly like someone else’s.

Singleness also has its benefits.

Freedom- there is so much freedom for how I want to use my time and spend my money. Not to mention, I have an ability to be spontaneous that is not afforded to those who aren’t single.

Moms of small kiddos don’t even get to go to the bathroom on their own, much less have quiet, uninterrupted moments on end to pray or just sit and be. Dads come home from an exhausting day at work and help do dishes and play with the kiddos and put them down- and then get no sleep at night with the newborn up every 3 hours.

I can: go exercise after work, go to the bathroom alone, sleep through the night, go where I want when I want and spend my money how I want.

In the past year, this has allowed me to jump on a plane to visit my friend Katie and drive 10 hours each way in a weekend to visit her- without obligations. It has allowed me to spend extra time at work without rushing home to get dinner on the table and let me make food for new families or those going through grief. It has afforded me to go camping on the 1st of January, be available to visit grandparents--leading to spiritual conversations, go on backpacking trips, and have time to love on people. There is a great deal of joy that comes from using my time well.

Advice:

1. Don’t settle.

Elisabeth Elliot said “I want to marry a man who is prepared to swim against the tide.” As believers in this world, we are constantly swimming against the tide. If you want to marry someone who is swimming against the tide, it means that you need to date someone who is swimming against the tide.

In the first Navigator Summer Training Program I attended, a couple spoke on relationships. They said:

“The biggest predictor of how closely you’ll be walking with God in 50 years is the person you marry.”

- It is hard enough to finish well in this race of life. So pick someone who will spur you on toward that finish line, not someone who is holding you back as your run your three-legged race.

2. Beware of comparison and expectations, and Be Aware of comparison and expectations.

Be cautious of the way comparison and expectations can sneak up on you. For me, social media can be such a culprit. Guard against it.

And when comparison and expectations do creep in, be aware that it is the case. Take time to do what you need to in order to reset.

3. Maximize your time for His glory.

Choose to be wholly attentive to God’s Word and His Work during this season, in which you truly do have so much freedom.

In the wise words of Jim Elliot: “Wherever you are, be all there.”

Go where you’re sent, stay where you’re put, and give what you’ve got. All the way home.

As I processed life with my roommate this past week, it was refreshing to acknowledge the fact that this circumstance of life is not easy. I certainly don’t have it all together and much of life is a daily struggle. I just keep seeking to return to truth and resetting my perspective to see the bigger picture for my life. It is in the process of living this sweet life that we are refined.

“Take courage my heart. Stay steadfast my soul: He’s in the waiting.”

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