#going through my weird kid phase part 2 ig | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

musingsoflys · 1 month

Text

2nd post for the morning. It was just going to be a deconstructing post, but I went off on a health tangent.

I have multiple journaling locations. I have one where I try to collect everything, but it's getting ... octopus. It's in OneNote, and I have multiple tabs and subpages for different topics: my kids coming out, my husband coming out, my religion shattering, a letter for my Mom about it that I've been procrastinating finishing for over a year -- it's so close--, my own thoughts and feelings about 'all the things.' Due to life's business and my previously mentioned (the other post from this morning) low energy and mental function, I haven't been able to give my religious/spiritual aspect enough attention, and lately I've been feeling the need to do that. The last few days I've been wanting to start rereading Untamed by Glennon Doyle. I think I'm ready to move into the next phase, ?, whatever that is. I feel stalled right now.

I had been working my way through Falling Upward by Richard Rohr. That was also supposed to be part of my Sunday morning time. Now I'm not sure how applicable it will be given my Christian deconversion. I guess I should look and see. I am capable of recognizing metaphor and framing separately from my experience and so still be able to take the lessons. ... ... haha, just had to bring my brain back from another tangent related to framing/context. OK. back to the topic at hand. See, I didn't leave Mormonism only to remain a Christian; my deconstruction of God precludes that. My understanding of God was the first thing that shattered. So, while I often appreciate others' deconstruction experiences, I'm still looking for more non-Christian deconstructing community. Jesus as radical historical figure, fine, but no more Jesus as Savior, no more Heavenly Father (or Mother) -- I feel like they're less parental and more transcended siblings. I want to find my own divinity, not the "seeds of Divinity" as spoken of by Mormon leaders but the stardust inside.

Since at least November, my husband has been in the early goo phase of metamorphosis or the early germination phase of a seed: breaking apart, melting, he's beyond the point of no return from what he used to be. But in his case it's kind of weird b/c what he used to be was constantly masking, constantly trying to be what everyone else thought he should be, so he's trying to be himself, to go back to the beginning, but I just realized that even that being is socially defined, I think, by the imprinting he got as a child. But there's also a lot of trauma there. Anyway, I feel like I'm finally ready to explore nonmonogamy but now he's in a very personally, mentally, and emotionally delicate stage. He's worried that I'll find someone "better" or replace him. (Actually one of the 1st fears listed on a remodeledlove post in IG.) He also expresses interest in swinging, but I can't see myself doing that, at least partly b/c I've never had sex with anyone else. So sometimes, he's like, hurry up and have sex w/someone else, so that we can move on to threesomes and swapping and swinging. But I can't have sex with a stranger; I wouldn't mind having a FWB relationship but I at least need the friend part. I'm on an app, but I'm afraid to 'like' anybody. I've only liked 2 people but have not had any conversations with them. I'm not "talking to" anyone. I just fantasize, lol. And he's not ready for any new relationships, friend or otherwise, right now. So...where does that leave me? Where am I, and where do I go from here?

#deconversion #deconstruction #deconstructing christianity #2nd half of life #polyamory #nonmonogamy #fear #adrift #stuck #divinity

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couldbeasong · 4 years

Note

1-60 for the ask meme

Ope sorry I did not see this until today. I think I know the one? If it’s not the one you meant just lmk lol

1. Selfie?

You can have this picrew but I wish to be unperceived.

2. What would you name your future kids?

For female names I like: Harmony, Slyvia, Edelweiss, Bethany, and Opal

For male names I like: Uriah, Aiden, Kai, Levi, and Luke

3. Do you miss anyone?

My grandpa and Midnight (old dog)

4. What are you looking forward to?

Going on vacation in a few weeks, the end of the semester, and seeing @calligraphywitch tomorrow

5. Is there anyone who can always make you smile?

@calligraphywitch and my other girlfriend. They’re hilarious lmao

6. Is it hard for you to get over someone?

Romantically? Not really. You kinda gotta just accept it and move on. In the past, always being like: this will never work because of reason xyz helps.

Friendship wise? Absolutely. It depends a lot on the emotional investment I put into the relationship, but I find myself still missing people I haven’t talked to since High School or Middle School.

7. What was your life like last year?

It was weird being a freshman in college and trying to survive. I had a lot of family problems going on along with one of my best friends from High School being on her death bed for a while. A bit of a crisis of faith as well. But we survived, God willing! I miss pre-pandemic times tho

8. Have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

Ask my brother. I’m sure there’s been an instance.

9. Who did you last see in person?

My grandma across the room from me!

10. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I hide them so well I can’t even find them!

I like to pretend they aren’t there and repress them a lot but idk if I’m good at hiding them from others per say.

11. Are you listening to music right now?

I’m in a zoom meeting for class, so I guess my professor's voice?

12. What is something you want right now?

Freedom

13. How do you feel right now?

Kinda tired, kinda nauseous, kinda bored. Idk I probably need to drink some water.

14. When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

Uhhhh idk about a week ago? My last hug was probably a week ago too XD

15. Personality description

I like to think I’m funny

16. Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

I work in customer service- everyday (:

17. Opinion on insecurities.

Everyone is insecure about something. It’s kinda fascinating how even though all of humanity is exactly the same (in terms of our struggles and insecurities, we don’t vary) we still judge others for having them. Confidence is seen as a virtue and the most attainable goal. Society profits off of your insecurities tho so be aware of what they are and don’t let yourself be scammed.

18. Do you miss how things were a year ago?

Certain aspects perhaps. But 2019 is gone. It performed and then it left. It can’t hurt us or help us anymore. There’s little use in dwelling on that and wishing for 2020 to be 2019.

19. Have you ever been to New York?

No, but I swear Ima go one day and see a show on Broadway.

20. What is your favorite song at the moment?

I have like three I’m cycling between rn

When You’re Home from In the Heights

Wake Up by Jenny Owen Youngs

Together by For King and Country

21. Age and birthday?

Old enough to know better and October

22. Description of crush.

He’s super great and super intelligent, not to mention super in love with God. Frankly, he deserves better than me. I gotta lot of self-improvement that needs to happen, but we’ll see what happens XD

23. Fear(s)

Heights, drowning, spiders, super dark streets and rooms, not being good enough

24. Height

5′5″ respectfully

25. Role model

It’s changed through the various stages of my life. Rn tho a few of my Christian online friends

26. Idol(s)

I mean I stan Brian David Gilbert, but I don’t idolize him lol

27. Things I hate

Cheesecake, sickly sweet stuff, when someone grabs the receipt out of the printer even though it’s way more effort for them to do so than for me just to hand it to them and it throws me off of my rhythm, fudge

28. I’ll love you if…

You exist (and even not then because fictional characters just hit different lol)

29. Favorite film(s)

Tangled, Ella Enchanted, Enchanted, Howls Moving Castle, Princess, and the Pauper

30. Favorite tv show(s)

Brooklynn 99, Parks and Recreation, Ouran High School Host Club, My Hero Academia, and Bojack Horseman (I’m going through a phase with it rn lol)

31. 3 random facts

Blue is my favorite color, I own almost nothing in blue, people are better at identifying members of their own race better than members of other races.

32. Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Girls- they’re easier to talk to and approach. Tho I stan and love my guy friends. They are kings.

33. Something you want to learn

Everything? Idk I have an insatiable desire to learn and it switches. Consistently, I want to learn how to make my own clothes, play either piano, guitar, or violin, and detail cars.

34. Most embarrassing moment

Uggg I’m not talking about it and neither is @calligraphywitch

35. Favorite subject

I really enjoyed Statistics as much as I have hated it. My all-time favorite class I have ever taken tho was AP US Literature

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Graduate grad school, get married, travel overseas

37. Favorite actor/actress

uhhh probably Chris Pratt or anyone who was on Parks and Recreation. Tho Broadway actors, I love Christian Borle

38. Favorite comedian(s)

John Mulaney

39. Favorite sport(s)

I miss playing softball and volleyball so prolly those

40. Favorite memory

There are too many to count. But usually, involve good conversations under the stars after 2 AM.

41. Relationship status

Have a picrew of my sister and me. Keep scrolling and mind ya business (jk ily anon)

42. Favorite book(s)

The Bible lol but fictional book wise, I will always love the Warrior Cats series. Red Queen was pretty lit. The Hourglass Door gave me a love for time travel aus lol. And Library Wars is near and dear to my heart.

43. Favorite song ever

You can’t ask me thisssss

Idk Hope is what we crave by For King and Country

44. Age you get mistaken for

24-30 it depends on the context

45. How you found out about your idol

@calligraphywitch

46. What my last text message says

No xD not disney

47. Turn-ons

When you have a musical playing and the end of one song is the start of another so they bleed into each other. CHILLS or when a line of poetry just expresses how someone feels. OR when different parts harmonize just right

48. Turn-offs

When my computer deletes my homework right before it’s done

49. Where I want to be right now

In a little cabin in the woods

50. Favorite picture of your idol

51. Starsign

Scorpio

52. Something I’m talented at

Reading peoples emotions

53. 5 things that make me happy

Music, Friends, Deep Conversations, Hugs, and God

54. Something that's worrying me at the moment

So much to do so much to see

55. Tumblr friends

Friends and mutuals include:

@calligraphywitch @an-assortment-of-forks @repentance-brings-healing @synthetic-blanket-hairs @loneallegiance @boywiththewand @knightof-cups @a-lil-strawberry @linkedwolf @indygo @obnoxioushair

There’s plenty more than that and I love you all ^^

56. Favorite food(s)

Tacos, Crab Ragoons, Salty Foods, RICE

57. Favorite animal(s)

Wolves and cats

58. Description of my best friend

Artistic, beautiful, supportive, hardworking. She is hilarious and an amazing person. There’s so much to the many reasons I love her I just can’t do it in words

59. Why I joined tumblr

Back in the 7th grade, my friends all had one and helped set me up with one. And that’s that.

60. Ask me anything you want

You want nothing ig lol if you want to submit one I can answer it still

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okayoonoh · 4 years

Text

JOHNNY’S FAMILY

a/n: here is the second part! i’ll do my best to make it so you don’t necessarily have to read taeil’s part, but i mean, i don’t mind if you go and do that ...

here’s a link to the entire masterlist! again, the only other part is taeil’s so far so i mean... y’all should check it out :)

JOHNNY SEO:

he has three kids, 2 boys and 1 girl, in that order. noah seo is the oldest son, 4 years later, leo seo was born, 5 years later (when noah was 9 and leo was 5), luna seo, the youngest and only girl, was born.

NOAH SEO: >> as a baby <<

oh man, a cutie cutie cutie

like everyone was heart eyes over him when he was born

the second he was in your arms and johnny’s arms, he let out the cutest eye smile

he started his flirting career young

for example

noah would give you and johnny smiles

but then he starts to make y’all work for it a little bit more

like you have to work really hard to make him smile (like jumping, dancing, singing your heart out)

and maybe he’ll give you a small smile

but the second a pretty lady walks by, noah is all smiles

you and johnny are like ???

bc you’re out here dancing until you collapse

and noah won’t give you the time of day

but a pretty person walks by and noah is suddenly all smiles?

just a huge flirt from the second he could smile

he was a pretty active baby

ig kinda normal? like cried, pooped, threw tantrums, he wasn’t too much of a headache

kinda just the “normal” amount tbh

but like if y’all are in public and he starts to cry

but another pretty person walks by

he’ll literally suck it up

and like just stop crying

you and johnny are just so confused whenever this happens

anyway

he was just such a pretty baby growing up?

nothing would phase him too much tbh

is really cuddly (especially with yoojin)

>> as a child <<

literally the pretty boy of the class

grade wise? not good, not bad

just enough to pass, but not make anyone nervous lol

all of the girls think he’s so attractive

it all started in this stage

he’s really friendly and pretty kind

but

the second someone hurts one of his friends?

oh no

his other side comes out and it’s v v scary

like if someone was bullying moon yoojin, taeil’s oldest daughter

good luck

he flirts with anyone and everyone

he was born to flirt

he’s best friends with ten’s oldest son, kasem leechaiyapornkul (kaleb) (they’re born the same year)

when they’re together, they’re just like their dads

like from the second they started hanging out together, they started acting like their fathers when they would hang out together

it was weird dude

like genetics is crazy

they both can speak english and like refuse to talk to each other in anything other than english

kaleb teaches noah thai while noah teaches kaleb korean

they’re chemistry together is just so good

like they’re just crackheads vibing together

everyone knew that he would become a model when he grows up

at this stage, he doesn’t really want to be a model

he like wants to be a soccer player or something idk

but subtly, he always knew that he wanted to be a model

oh yeah, he was kinda a late bloomer in height terms

but like one summer later?

he suddenly grows like really really really tall?

and his voice gets really deep?

and everyone is so confused again

from that growth spurt, he just doesn’t stop growing

he’s not the type of guy that like if you ask “how tall are you?”

and he’ll say “180 cm but i’m still growing.”

nono

he’ll say “honestly i have no idea ? my mom knows i think…”

and he’s the type to like make a guess but he’s completely wrong

like “uhh I think I’m like 160 cm? idk…”

and you’re like “noah, my darling son, you are off by 20 cm….” (this is him entering his teen years but it makes sense to put this much in here)

he’s goofy and lovable (a little too lovable…)

>> as a teen/adult <<

still… a flirt.

even now, he’s still growing

he’s honestly like

just so handsome?

like all of the guys in the group look up to him

literally, he’s taller than his dad

like a good couple cm taller than his dad

he’s the oldest in the group so they all do look up to him

he’s pretty calm like taeil’s son, moon seojoon, but can be crazy and have fun when needed

he just gives off the high class vibes

he doesn’t mind, he does it because it’s just who he is

honestly, doesn’t have too many girlfriends in this stage because so many people just assume that he’s already dating someone or that he’s with yoojin

he is SUPER ULTRA PROTECTIVE of his baby sister, luna

and all of the rest of the babies of the group

he’s the tallest of the group so if anyone is scared in anyway, they go to him

and he’s not even like just skinny either

he’s BUFF bc he starts out his model career now

he still is very active and he loves to go to the gym

so like he’s kinda happy that he gets to do both of the things he loves/wanted to do

he’s just so handsome dude

like literally everyone wants him to model for their company

but he just signs off as an independent because yoojin advised him too

and he’s making so much bank this way

yoojin helped him out with getting a manager and stuff and then after he was sitting pretty, he was able to figure stuff out on his own

this is when he realized that yoojin liked him back lol

and he said full send

he shot his shot and it worked

really understands the model game well

like whenever he goes to do shows, people are always asking him for advice

to which his advice is either jokingly saying “honestly, just use the face you got. mine is already godly so i’m good”

or he’ll say crap like “i just think of food or like something i want right now and my emotions just through my face i guess? i’m not sure just think about things that make you happy.”

he’s really busy like all of the time

he tries to be like yoojin and make it to everything, but he has a hard time because he’s so busy

he is aware with what’s going on with everyone tho

if anyone needs advice, they know to come to him

he’s the best big brother of the group

he’s such a good, and handsome dude

LEO SEO: >> as a baby <<

he was a little bit on the dramatic side

like if he was remotely hungry, he’d cry

if all he wants is for you to pick up something he dropped, he’d cry

kinda cried a lot

sometimes, even if he was happy, he’d cry

just to establish his dominance in this family

he’d start crying and you and johnny are like

“we literally just fed you and we’ve been playing with you for the past hour, what’s wrong?”

and when y’all got a little frustrated, he’d just stop crying and start laughing

it’s almost as if he knew that he was pulling a prank on y’all or kinda just showing you his acting skills at an early age (he becomes an actor when he grows up)

he also was a really handsome fella growing up

like he was a really really really cute baby

if he wasn’t practicing his acting skills early on, he was playing with his brother

honestly, noah was really bad at playing with baby leo

noah was like “why can’t leo run yet?”

johnny’s like, “noah... leo can’t even lift his head on his own yet...”

leo loved his brother as a baby tho

whenever noah would come home from school, baby leo would be so freaking happy

honestly, leo was just another baby, just vibing as a baby, and loved to keep you and johnny on your toes

>> as a child <<

this is when he realized he wanted to be an actor

i swear, naming him leo was just a coincidence

he knew from the start that acting his what he wanted to do

any school play, he would get the lead

the second he learned how to read, he was reading scripts and plays and musicals

he loves watching movies and dramas with you and johnny from the start

he would want to start learning new languages at this age for the soul purpose of building his portfolio when he got older

you and johnny are like so shocked that he found out his calling at such a young age

and you guys think it’s a phase at first, but it’s really, really, really not

he sticks with it

he’s like his brother in which girls thinks he’s so cute

girls flirt with him too, but he just dramatically rejects them and they kinda get annoyed lol

best friends with jaemin’s twins, na jaeseok and jaehun (the twins are a week older than leo)

jaeseok and jaehun both want to get into acting/dancing too, so all of them just vibe together

they are all so talented, even from a young age

like it’s crazy

leo is like the leader of their group

but the twins still get lead roles too

like if leo doesn’t get the main role, one of the twins will

and it’s not competitive or negative between any of them at all

they all agree that they could get better

just positive vibes between these boys

>> as a teen/adult <<

he was scouted as soon as possible

he wanted to wait for his buddies tho

they got scouted soon tho, dw

they all go the same entertainment company because the actor boys unite

honestly a really scary group when they’re all together

they learned all of their manners from noah

they learned how to be crazy from kaleb

leo is a triple threat tho

he can act, he can sing, and he can dance

he learns how to dance with taeyong’s oldest son, lee youngchul

he already knew he could sing, but he does it more for fun

they have him sing for a role and everyone is like ??? what can’t you do?

oh, i can answer that for you lol

he cannot play sports

he can do gym stuff really well and like can do cardio and stuff really easily

but like

have him play soccer? oh no

he is pretty clumsy too

like on set, everyone has multiple sets of props because he always breaks stuff

don’t worry, he’s very apologetic about it

oh yeah, he’s also really tall

like not as tall as noah but taller than his dad

he is not like your pish posh actor

he’s like noah in the aspects that he loves to help people and he gives them bad advice from time to time

he’s such a good actor that they even send him to the states to act in several different movies

he’s so thankful that you taught him english while he was growing up

even tho he acts in western movies, he still prefers to act in dramas and korean movies

america falls in love with him tho

like an insanely handsome boy, who can sing, dance, and act?

oh and his brother is really hot too?

OH AND HIS SISTER IS A FREAKING GIRL GROUP IDOL

OH AND HIS DAD IS JOHNNY FREAKING SEO? LIKE LEO, YOU’RE SET

don’t think that he doesn’t develop his own self image

like he makes a name for himself

in the states/west, everyone learns leo first then learns the rest of his family

oh, just like noah, he’s ultra protective of his little sister

like when interviewers are like “so we hear you have a little sister?”

and he’s like “yes i do and yes she is single and she will remain that way until she is married.”

the audience always laughs when he says that and obviously he’s just trying to convey that he’s super ultra protective of his little sister

leo is just a really talented actor boy who lives up to his name.

LUNA SEO: >> as a baby <<

cute™

she is apart of the groups cute squad

she also is one of the princesses of the group

she’s been a daddy’s girl ever since the start

like johnny was really good at calming her down

don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that she didn’t love you

she just really wanted to be held by johnny

all of her uncles adored her for her adorable face

she had chubby little cheeks that anyone and everyone adored

she was definitely not angelic

she still gave you and johnny plenty of headaches

she cried a lot, but not as much as leo

at least, with luna, you guys knew how to calm her down

and she wouldn’t cry just to spite you guys lol

anyway

she was a very happy baby with the chubbiest cheeks

the whole family would do anything to make her smile because she was so gosh darn cute

like she was invited to do child modeling at stuff like that

which you guys did for simple things, but for major things like horror movies, you guys would never agree

you wanted her to have a good childhood and to like, not be demon possessed

she grew up well loved by her older brothers

they were so protective of her and even took care of her every need when necessary

like if you were busy cooking dinner or like doing some work and johnny was away at practice or at work, noah and leo would work together to take care of her

like noah would go and change her diaper while leo would go and get the wipes and do his best to get out the stuff to make formula ready

noah even knew what the temperature is suppose to be

she had a good babyhood and had her older brothers there to catch her when she falls

>> as a child <<

she still kept the happy vibes

like if i had to associate her with a color

it would be yellow

her favorite color is yellow

she’s best friends with taeyong’s youngest daughter, lee youngmi, and ten’s youngest daughter, amarin leechaipornkul (aria)

they all give off sunshine vibes together it’s just so cute

they like spread so much love and positivity, it’s just so much fun

the three of them are honestly like the powerpuff girls

like luna is like blossom

youngmi is like buttercup

while aria is like bubbles

their ages match up too lol

but as buttercup, luna is like the leader

she, like he brothers, is super talented with a lot of things

she realizes that she wants to be an idol like her dad

she doesn’t even want a major role like the lead singer or anything like that

she really just wants to be a visual

she’s already naturally good at dancing but she learns how to dance from youngchul around the same time that leo learned how to dance

she is pretty active

like she would RUN

just cause

when she was with her group tho? oh man

if only one dad was taking care of the three of them, it’s over

they’ll be so chaotic and everywhere

she is also obsessed with sweets

like cakes, candies, cookies, everything

when she’s with her brothers and dad, they’ll spend all of their money to buy her sweets

she’ll eat so much, then go and run, then throw up, then want to eat more sweets

she’s like pac-man but for sweets

you always dress her up in pretty outfits because it fits her vibe

she loves that you dress her up like that and she never really complains about any of the outfits you put her in

she loves to be held by her dad and her brothers because they’re all so tall and she wants to be tall by association

she’s spoiled, but it’s just because she’s so loved

>> as a teen/adult <<

her vibes didn’t change at all

she’s still sunshine and she’s still obsessed with sweets

she didn’t grow super tall like her brothers

like in comparisons to the giants of your children

luna is surprisingly really short

she doesn’t let that stop her tho!

like a lot of the things in your house are set to the top of the cupboards so it’s easier for the tall boys to reach

but if luna wants something from there, she’ll take care of it herself even if one of her brothers is in the kitchen and can easily do it themselves

she actually gets into a girl group and she does pretty well!

in her group, she’s the sunshine

like she’s probably not the maknae of the group

she takes good care of her younger members

but when everyone sees her with her older brothers

everyone is like

luna? she baby

she thinks taeil’s oldest, moon yoojin, is like the coolest person in the whole world

like she’s pretty close with yoojin

she honestly just wants to learn the most about yoojin and how she handles life

luna honestly is a self care goddess too

she’s like “y’know, the company wants me to lose weight, i said ‘yeah, i could lose some of the weight of the company that i’m carrying’.” *proceeds to eat 3 different bowls of ramen at once*

she doesn’t give a freak about the idol standards

she can take care of herself and she knew from the start that the company needs her more than she needs them

she releases skin care videos and all that

(she learns most of her skin care stuff from her uncle jaehyun)

and her skin is as clear as a summer sky in the great state of california

she’s so good with fans too

like she holds eye contact with them and everything

she isn’t that into aegyo because she just laughs everything off

she can be pretty sassy with her comments that she makes

especially with her brothers

she’s super sassy towards them

but they still protect her

she’s just a happy positive idol who is well loved by her family, friends, and her fans.

---

johnny’s family just feels like a hella fun vibe tbh

i hope you guys liked it! taeyong’s babies are next!

- amy <3

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

Note

for alphabet asks: STAGEDORKS

oh hell yeah….(thinks abt these bitches) wow i love Love…

S: What position do you sleep in? (NSFW) Favorite sex position? Favorite superhero(s)?

i try to sleep on my side usually but like, probably just on my back is more comfortable

fuck if i know

i’ve never been into superheroes but a zillion years ago when the first miles morales issues were coming out i bought like the first 7 and got a collection later and i coincidentally follow a nonzero number of superhero comics writing authors on twitter and i enjoy glimpses of riri williams content

T: Are you good at tongue twisters? Did you believe in the Tooth Fairy? Tortillas or taco shells?

i’m neither that good or that bad at them

i don’t especially remember tooth fairy times

hardshelled tacos all the way……

A: What is your alcoholic drink of choice? Favorite animal?

i don’t have any alcohol of choice b/c i don’t like alcohol so like, vodka + enough of some kind of fruit juice to make it endurable, and along that same line almost four yrs ago i had a couple mimosas and that was alright

i like Cats and i also like birds, especially in the corvids and parrots zone, and toucans, which aren’t parrots…i also had a long-running Cetaceans phase and i still like those like, orcas, manatees….glad to know the latter aren’t endangered anymore, my fifth grade teacher drew a manatee in pastels and gave it to me, thx ms. dennee

G: Favorite board game? Video game? Physical game?

i Enjoy scrabble and aggravation, which is this game w/ marbles which is like, 15% strategy and 85% luck so you can’t get too competitive

i haven’t played too many Video Games, especially not in recent years…i always enjoyed desktop games, like the point and click nancy drew games are my shit……later on like, portal 2 would be a great go-to game b/c usually i have a godawful hard time with Puzzles but the parameters of the puzzles in that game are so clear that i can actually enjoy it……i’m fond of amnesia tdd though i never finished it and the parameters of its puzzles are very much NOT clear. oh wait, then there’s all the shit we played via my brother’s Consoles Through The Years….the two of us taking a literal decade to beat donkey kong country….mario kart antics and driving the course backwards….we stan Galaga thanks to a namco collection and got to play it Arcade Style like a decade later at this convention lol….also on his ps4 we’d do Multiplayer stuff but really low stakes goofing around….ssbb but our real objective was just to desperately go after pokeballs and lose our shit if it was a meowth or invent really terrible maps named after pemberly (pemberdeath)….play uncharted and do terribly…….this lotr game he had was great too, like one map where we’d just ignore the Given Objective and get on horses and race around in a loop for like twenty minutes. that’s real gaming.

physical game idk lmao i never did Sports or anything……swinging on a swing. love that shit. kind of a Game ig. wait then would rollerskating be a game? BOWLING!!! i do love bowling and that’s definitely a game lmfaooooo

E: How do you like your eggs? Have any enemies?

i either fry them and put them on toast and then Burst The Yolk or i make an omellete, usually w/ cheese if i can manage it…..eggs benedict is so Fancy but delicious, but like yeah you have to make a whole hollandaise sauce so

i have my Haters List and people i think don’t deserve to be alive but i don’t like, have a mutual enemyship lmao

D: Favorite dinosaur? Donut topping? Dairy product?

i was a Big Into Dinosaurs kid…….s/o to the 3d dinosaur adventure computer game…..of course i liked raptors but my sister had velociraptors as her official fave so i was like, alright, dienonychus then. i also like ankylosaurs, and i think pachycephalosaurus is another Fave….a Probably-Herbivore with a raptorous build and headbutting like goats? good stuff. parasaurolophus is good too. just Being Loud and having a weird head

i like just frosting and sprinkles babey…..and just frosting is good too. like, chocolate’s classic….strawberry…….

ice creame…………………….

O: How do you eat Oreos?

voraciously, for starters. if i’m eating them Dry i will pull them apart, but i also do really like to dip them in milk.

R: Opinion on raisins? Random fact about yourself?

my raisins take hasn’t changed but another random fact about me hmm….i’m sure it’s not news to people since i mention it enough but i was a “really great at school in terms of getting good grades in everything, but also i largely hated school and always procrastinated hw and did bare minimum studying like, the morning of (or lunch before) any test and was the worst student by effort and Study Habits alone” and so i’m like oh Fuck yes re: solidarity and respect to all dropouts (fact within fact: the only academic accreditation i have is my SAT results i guess!), yet i also have That Much respect for people who Are good at school and put in that actual effort cuz i’m like god damn i could never do that

K: Who was the last person you kissed? (Platonically, romantically, however)

oh fun fact!!! i’m almost sure it was like, oh wait my god i was about to say 4-5 years ago but Actually it would’ve been….8? wait no. okay yes. so 7 years ago someone kissed me but that was a unilateral thing on their part so it doesn’t count. aaaand 8 or 9 years ago i kissed a friend on the cheek as PERFORMANCE ART!!!!! no lie this visiting artist (he was very nice and chill i liked him) came to our college and gave a talk and then there was this fun lil event in our Studio Art Space where people could write down ideas for vaguely creative things to do or make and then it was just a continuous cycle of putting your Suggestions into the box and drawing out other peoples, not even taking turns or anything you just went for it, and i got that prompt to kiss someone or whatever and one of a couple friends i had there was like, yeah that’s alright, i’ll take one for the Art team. platonic artistic and who could’ve known it was Prophetic as well?? stagedorks and winston billions energies

(S)

#tyvm!!!#Anonymous #oh shit and laser tag for physical games too #bumper cars too? that count?

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wearethegladiators · 5 years

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*SENDS BACK A THOUSAND CHEF’S KISSES*

Ptn I’m so inspired but I’m so busy like!! Pourquoi je m’inscris à 2 forums en même temps aussi

Anyway have you seen Tom Felton’s latest IG posts because CASSIEL FEELINGS ARE STILL GOING STRONG

Visual representation of Wynona by the beginning of Incendio:

Also I guess she’d be sort of middle-ground between Sacha and Nathan?? The dragons are her kids yo, she’s literally in a “the more family I lose the more dragons I will have” sort of shit. BUT at the same my girl likes a good fire…. And so dragons…..

Plus I mean it’s obvious she’s never given up on the Rebellion. She did not want to join originally because of the kids, but she hates so goddamn much this government and like?? The Ryders are muggleborns?? She’s angry as fuck rn.

(The fact that she’s siding with the Muggleborn Resistance is proof of that ofc, but it’s also out of opportunity. She can rebel while doing her own thing, that’s good with her atm. Or so she tries to believe)

Mdrrrr nan c’était pas cringy!! En vrai autant je trouve que certains de mes plots étaient invraisemblables autant j’ai pas été choquée par notre manière d’écrire mdrrrr (bon sauf quelques traits d’humour. Ça, je. Hm. Oui.)

GIVE NATHAN SOME SOLID BROMANCE 2K19 Avec le Charlie Hunnam là, Lily dit pas non :siffle:

Mdrrrr ouais all this pureblood shit is so awkward for her I swear to God. Pretty sure that at one point she showed up in a Sioux outfit and everyone was like “…….. *cricket noises*”

Tbh Emori’s glow-up for the prime thingy is a 100% Wynona showing up to these events (plus they have relatively similar styles au quotidien) YASSS QUEEEEN (still a weird thought yeah mdr) (i thought at some point Luisa would be a good fc for Wyn btw) (and also Indyamarie Jean!! plus she’s like half native american or so) (but your last gifset i mean??)

BON KIERAN IS ON THE LIST

Omg I didn’t think about it (whispering the names before going to sleep) but 100% this is so HER

I mean even though she stopped her terrorist “phase” (IT’S NOT A PHASE MOM) she’s still living by the words of her family. She’s still angry. She’s still about fire. Tbh she’s gonna die in a ring of fire one way or another

SO THE SHEEPS ARE STILL NOT SAFE OK

(mdr Nathan sweetheart btw)

“but they would put her head on a stick so maybe not.” yeah what about trying to avoid that amirite

“did she anger the yaxley family and if so can nathan and her go after rick yaxley like the power couple they are?? just couple things… murder….arson…” well I mean if Rick and Wynona ever sat at the same table to talk about politics…. I don’t think he would really like her…

plus he’s on the list anyway because he hurt Nathan and Nathan is part of The Tribe™ and no one hurts The Tribe™

Mdr can you imagine Wyn literally bringing Rick to Nathan like “woopsie doopsie I think I may have a present for you” :arrow: (MAYBE A SIMPLE TEAMING UP WOULD DO UH) (mdr Rick is a bitch don’t tell me he’s not gonna make girlfriend jokes)

RED. Honestly I thought she’d be dead BUT I actually like to think of her as having survived the shitstorm, being still relatively sane and undyingly loyal to Nathan?? Because that’d be quite a plot twist judging who she is, but it would be interesting to see her as “wiser”, and especially, the ride-or-die lieutenant (ISN’T THAT SUPPOSED TO BE LILY THO OY)

(I mean especially if Red was close to Aron, she’s definitely trying to live up to his memory, so there’s that as well)

Wesh Win is gonna make so much fun of the MacFusty if they didn’t even play the dragons card

NOW I really think Carmen and Win must have teamed up on some terrorist shit. No wonder the world c o l l a p s e d

(yeah yeah, Nathan-Carmen-Wynona is such a bad idea. Let’s not do it. Never ever. *winkwink*)

I mean they could be a trouple. I wouldn’t be incredibly surprised to learn that Win has hooked up with Carmen once or twice tbh :siffle: (WHY IS EVERYONE HAVING SEX WITH EVERYONE)

And meanwhile

My girl Lily

Anyway. NATHAN EXPELLED WYNONA. No wonder there’s some unresolved angst™ (actually, maybe not so much. Wynona is all about justice and she’s going to respect any decision/”trial”. She’s a “I did what I did and I will face the consequences of it” gal.)

I read “try yoga hug” and I’m honestly here for it

“I AM going to be 23 and who am i??? i cry at cute animals videos!!! sometimes i forget to eat!!!” This was so relatable it kinda hurt tbh :////

MDR NATHAN AND LILY LAUGHING ABOUT THE SHIT THEY DID IN THE WAR IS A BIG-ASS MOOD, come on why’s everybody so serious :face:

THE MURPHY GIF

Nathan and Lily are gonna have so much fights omg

RICK GETTING INTO LILY’S HEAD????? …. kinda makes sense….

“how is nathan supposed to RELAX and let lily BE when she’s always in so much trouble?????” TROUBLE USUALLY FINDS ME BITCH. True tho, sorry big bro

“ça me fume” ptn Elo t’es si française jpp j’adore

THE REBELLION AND THE MUGGLEBORN RESISTANCE CLASHING WOULD BE SO DRAMATIC OMG I’m here for it

I don’t even think that would be a trigger for Lily tho tbh because active denial™ BUT there definitely would be people calling her on her bullshit (maybe even Fury??? Who sort of created this whole dynamic, or at least pushed her into that direction)

Gnnn I actually love Fury so much, I’m binge-watching Peaky Blinders rn and I LOVE CILLIAN MURPHY TO DEATH and it just hit me that Fury could be an!! Irish!! Traveler!! THE POTENTIAL. Gypsy magic I’m so so so here for it

(also people probably don’t understand any shit he says so Lily has to translate it all)

(he likes (well, respects) Nathan a lot btw, too bad it’s not réciproque :( probably really likes the Blackbird girl too hihi)

“it’s okay they’ve been busy they just kinda forgot that they’re not JUST the red leader or morrigan or an auderic or a mudblood, they’re also FAMILY” THE TEARS IN MY EYES BITCH THIS IS SO TRUE

They really really really really need to talk it out/hug it out

Lily’s so far deep tho, like even if Nathan calls her out on her bullshit once she’d be like “Idk what you’re talking about, I’m fine, really, SI SI”

BUT she really needs to have this emotional breakdown where she goes like “there HAS TO be a reason why I’m still alive?? I HAVE TO save these people?? My people???”

Omg this moment is 10000% happening when Nathan’s losing his leg

She’d feel so guilty, like she failed to protect him

One thing I’ve always liked about Nathalily’s relationship is how it’s not what it seems like at first glance?? Cause it sounds like Lily is heavily dependent on Nathan’s for protection and Nathan’s needs Lily so much to “protect him emotionally” sort of? And actually Lily needs Nathan so fucking much to stay sane/ALIVE and Nathan needs his baby sister to save his drunken/reckless ass every once in a while :’))) IN MY MIND IT’S WAY CLEARER BUT ANYWAY

FEELS

She’d be there in a SECOND as soon as she hears about Nathan getting hurt

Idk why I have the scene of the Weasley twins after George lost his ear in mind

That’s definitely round 2 of “you’re my family too, I lost sight of that” and “I’M SO PROUD OF YOU BITCH” (mdr the “Nathan doesn’t cry but I sure do” part was so relatable mdrrrr)

Anyway drama drama drama feels feels feels!!

Also I actually don’t want Nathan to lose his leg, he’s already in emotional pain yo :’(((((

Can we talk about how Nathan and Wynona used to be sex-symbols/rock stars/badass athletes and now they’re both CRIPPLED

(I’m sorry but Nathan losing a leg also quite inevitably means Wynona being back into the picture)

Maybe he’s been sent to the Blackbird ranch for recovery :’)))

Makes me think that Lily is actually still… “whole”??? Like she’s got scars and shit but in spite of everything she’s been through she’s physically still ok? (besides the Occlumens thingy)

Interesting how the weaker one is still fully in capacity hé

I mean she’s got that black magic wound thing…. WAIT

WHAT IF IT’S ACTUALLY A CURSE

I always thought this was a progressive thing and this would eventually kill her

Have I already considered having Lily die in the middle of the night because of this when she survived so much shit?? YES YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF THIS

But my girl deserves better so

Anyway what if it’s a curse actually related to death and this is why she attracts/is attracted to death so much???? Deatheaters may have done that to make fun of her survivor/Banshee vibes but that would make sense?? (i don’t really appreciate death eaters’ humor yo)

What’s this quote again

“Her presence always signed imminent death, torture, betrayal, or some other horror”

I’m having I D E A S I need to sort this out

‘est-ce que lily va se faire soulever un jour’ MDRRRRR didn’t have a drink but it was TOUT COMME ptn Lily’s MY DAUGHTER j’étais pas prête DU TOUT

En vrai interesting because they’re all screwing each other but Lily… I mean she was supposed to hook up with this one guy on Excidium but besides that?? I honestly don’t think she’s ever been with anyone else since the beginning of the war??

Mdr she had so many boyfriends in Hogwarts and now look at her

But she doesn’t have time for that? And she doesn’t want it? And she wouldn’t be able to take it if she lost that other person too?

ACTUALLY that would do her so much good but she just can’t see that

MAYBE FURY??

Mdr sorry pls let her have a nice functional guy

(funny how Wynona’s quite openly bisexual when coming from a very close-minded family and I think of Lily and Aron as strictly straight when they come from a much more tolerant background?? Idk)

(anyway yeah the Evans were Christians but at least for the parents it was this whole “RELIGION IS ABOUT LOVE, ALL TYPES OF LOVE” vibe)

(anyway je diverge)

Also she’s still pretty much traumatized by the fact that she lost her first love and learnt about it… almost a year later mdr

She carried the earrings he gave her for SO LONG, she probably lost it by now but still

It’s like the original trauma of the war

(sometimes I think about the toxic aspects of Mily’s relationship but today is not the day)

“do you think nathan will ever see that lily is not a kid anymore or will he always be like “oh yes my little sister she’s like… 15….” even when they’re both 30…40…50 years old lmao” MDR BIG ASS MOOD I LOVE THEM

Wait Edan’s ooooold

Sacha’s breaking my heart pls tell him I’m sending a hug

“SORRY I’M JUST A DRAGON RIDER” WESH

“SORRY I JUST HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD” :arrow:

Lily probably felt this so much when she first arrived to the Rebellion, she was still a kid and Nathan was overprotective and she wasn’t a great fighter and no one could understand how she had made it??

Just thinking how the rebellion may have tried somehow to exploit Lily’s banshee capacities and how Nathan would not appreciate it :’) but she’d thought it was kind of her only weapon so

Idk but yeah banshee!Lily is canon I guess

Tbh I LIVE for the idea of characters never meeting in Hogwarts even though they were so close?? Idk like Wynona/Nathan, even Sacha/Lily

Or maybe she’d know him vaguely

Lily was quite known as the gnome that will kick anyone’s asses for calling someone a Mudblood so maybe something like that, but not a full-fledged friendship?? Or once again they almost killed each other in Quidditch you know, shit happens

That’d be fun tho if they recognized each other

SACHA AS THE THERAPIST AND PEOPLE THROWING THINGS AT HIM I’M :’((((( we don’t deserve him do we

Meanwhile Wynona

· lmao no one:

· literally no one:

· wynona: hey you want to FIGHT bITCH?

WILLY

Mdrrrr bah Kira avait quand même mis une tarte à Lily (ou l’avait poussé dans un mur aussi je crois) et il était devenu son psy LE CHAOS

(bon et Milo essayait de noyer Lily/lui faisait exploser des bouteilles de bière sur la tête/faisait des rape jokes aussi des fois)

(NOT TODAY ON A DIT)

Anyway: chaotic energy is the least we can say mdrrrr

Mdr I’m here for a weekend d’escapade tbh (NO JOHN DO involved tho)

Mdr Nathan really was a piece of shit on Les AM sometimes :’) can Lily tell him already how she admires that he became a better man at war

I mean she kind of feels it you know

NATHAN AND WYNONA CASUALLY DISCUSSING TRAUMA IS *chef’s kiss* (mdr sorry but this whole part about emo!Nathan made me laugh so much mdrrrr)

They’re definitely gonna fight on their first meeting and I’m here for it

I mean Wyn is NOT hard to trigger and she’d be so mad she may let slip some personal stuff like “SO YOU’RE THE ONE NEVER SHOWING UP TO LITTLE PURIES PARTIES”

Also it’s a fun dynamic bc that means they may know their whole names and faces and sort of family backgrounds when the Rebellion was still all about anonymity at that time?? Mdr she’d feel so threatened she’d probably think “I won’t hesitate to murder this mofo if he becomes creepy yo” but then he’s hot

Wynona leaving him kicking his ass without giving the info

Wynona showing up to the next rebellion meeting without him being aware, grumpy face bras croisés *sigh*

I don’t why I’ve always felt a Dorne vibe with both the Blackbirds and the Shafiqs but ANYWAY they could get along well

Too bad Wyn just wants lands for her kids and dragons

PLOT TWIST: THE WEDDING WE WERE TALKING ABOUT ACTUALLY IS THAT OF WYN AND NATHAN

Mdr now I have that in mind THANKS ELO

I mean…. That we could be a temporary thingy…. We’re trying to heal each other we love each other… until we realize we’re burning each other up too much…. *falls* *dies ensouvelie sous les feels*

Mdr the pureblood reactions

Btw vu que je rame sur mon chapitre JE SPOILE mais en gros je voulais finir sur une base de 2 mangemorts qui discutent de la newbie Blackbird et qui finissent par lâcher un « faudrait peut-être redessiner les plans de table. Manquerait plus qu’elle s’accoquine avec l’Auderic » MDRRRR

Sorry

YDRIA YDRIA

I mean she needs to come to the wedding

PLOT TWIST²: the “bad guys” (Ydria, the Americans) are actually HELPING the rebellion (they’re still scary people tho I’m not sure we should want that)

they’re all originally coming for the wedding

(but!! Native American magic!! Sorry)

PTN NATHAN AND WOLVES JSUIS MORTE PARCE QUE

There are wolves on the Blackbird ranch, we don’t know why they’re from BUT THEY’RE HERE

WYNONA NOT KNOWING AND PROUDLY SHOWING THEM TO NATHAN

(or if they’re still en froid just mentioning it casually thinking it’ll make him happy)

Aron found a dog at some point and it literally ended up being his last true friend/source of joy and this dog MAY VERY WELL HAVE LOOKED LIKE A WOLF

This dog may be following Lily everywhere now?? (Or did she let him go because this was too painful)

Aron had also adopted a kid btw mdr

A kid Lily is now raising :’) Mom!Lily may be rising in the end

ANYWAY THE FEELS FEELS FEELS

Wynona showing up to the battlefields with 2 dragons and Nathan with wolves?? Has anyone ever made fun of our crippled huh????

(I’m here for a pureblood recap thingy bc I actually don’t know enough about them to write about it hihihi)

(merci pour la chrono btw!!!!!)

just seen one of the gifsets you’ve reblogged and is Nathan ever gonna call out Lily on a “THE MORRIGAN? IT’S A STORY FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD” basis??

idk if you can tell but I stopped the 100 for a while, went back to it and I’m having loads of Blake siblings feels zhgfshfslq

I’m also having Nathange feels now. Why can’t Nathan have simple relationships with women

PTN IF RICK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR NATHAN’S LEG I know at least 2 women that will come for him :face: :face: :face:

CARMEN GET IN LOSER you’re also part of the Nathan defense squad amirite

the Morrigan, a child ripper and une ex-tueuse à gages come knocking to your door

PTN BACK TO WYNONA AND SACHA AND GIVING EACH OTHER DRAGONS

Wynona raised one of her dragons. He’s a scary dragon. He’s a threatening dragon. What if the dragon raised by Sacha is goofy af and keeps on making “”jokes”” and Wynona’s always looking at him like “……..” but she secretly loves him/her to death just like Sacha arfhdhsfhqfcq and also she can ride him/her!!!!!

AND WHAT IF THE DRAGON WYN HAS GIVEN TO SACHA IS SO OVERPROTECTIVE

LIKE A MOTHER

And Sacha will never be at peace anymore because this dragon is always watching his ass :’) through his window while he’s sleeping :’) through the ranch while he’s working :’)

CAN MY HEART TAKE ANYMORE FEELS AND CAN THEY BE ABOUT DRAGONS

(I also appreciate Nathan and Wyn together A LOT because they’re both such n e r d s like omg some of the discussions they must be having)

Just saying I’m very excited for Nathan’s story hihihihi!!!!!! It’s been so long since I haven’t read you btw!!!

Alice’s death :’(((

NATHAN ALREADY LOST HIS LEG???? I’m not ready I don’t want this bb :( :(

Ptn je regarde plus TWD depuis des années mais je viens de voir une vidéo sur Carol and NOW I NEED une ex-Auror trop badass, genre Maugrey Fol Œil en féminin, dans la résistance et/ou la rébellion

Et Rosita qui a un bb !! PTN MAINTENANT J’IMAGINE WYN ENCEINTE MAIS

Ecoutez j’ai un train à 7h demain il me semble plus raisonnable d’aller se coucher c’en est trop pour mon cœur

Je sais pas si j’ai dit quoi que ce soit de constructif dans ce post mais yallah bye homies <3

#incendio

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topicprinter · 7 years

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I'm starting to really hate my business. It wasn't always this way.I entered the teen-young adult streetwear hat niche 2 years ago, specializing in designing a certain type of hat. Neff, Surpreme, and other skate/hiphop culture streetwear brands are my main competitors. After making loads of money illegally, I wanted diversify to something legal, sorta like the mob. I was 16 at the time. I got the idea after spotting a kid wearing a really awesome hat in my driver's ed class. It was sorta obnoxious, sorta feminine, sorta loud, but sorta chill all at the same time. I just liked it. I ended up buying it from him for $20. I fell in love with it myself, it used to be that kid's signature hat that he wore everyday, but then it became my signature hat. I started looking online where I could buy another and even went as far as to ask the brand if they still sold it if I could get another. "Nope, sorry we discontinued that item." I looked around for other similar types of hats online and they honestly all looked terrible to me (at the time, now I sorta like them). Eager to enter any legal business with my stockpiles of cash, I decided to make and sell my own awesome hats just like the discontinued one I loved so much. They'd be aesthetically far superior to the "terrible" ones my competitors were making. Worst that could happen is that I fail and walk away with tons of entrepreneurial skills.Fast forward two years, I've learned about sourcing from China, hiring and working with freelancers, web design trends, DSLR photography, Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator, basic accounting, social media marketing, interpersonal skills, cold calling, cold emailing, cold knocking, and sales. I've sold 4 hats online on a haphazard ecommerce strategy and am in 2 stores as I've been cold calling as of late, trying to get into enough stores to approach chains. I'm at what seems to be a crisis point. It feels like the "make a business around you passion" bubble burst a year ago. I'm not really in love with my hats anymore, I hardly wear them, and could hardly imagine designing any more of them even if they became an overnight firebrand success. I feel like a caterpillar that has gone through a metamorphosis; who I was in 2015, in love with the idea of making my own line of awesome hats that would outcompete the bigger brands and with ton of blood money from illegal activities to spare, is not who I am in 2017. My stockpiles of blood money have run dry from spending $1050 on my first two designs (200 hats) my first year and then after realizing just two designs was too little to be taken seriously, $2500 on four more designs (1500 hats) to total six hat designs. Also, the website and design freelancers cost a lot along with rent, food, and other basic necessities. I'd say in terms of just business expenses, I'm $5k deep in the hole.I've convinced myself to move forward for two years by saying, "Just wait until you have the hats made", "just wait until you learn DSLR photography", "just wait until you learn photoshop to manipulate product photos to post on social media for sales", "just wait until you have 6 hats instead of 2", "just wait until you learn accounting", "just wait until you learn cold calling", "just wait until you move halfway across the country to sell to stores in person", "just wait until you get your first store sale". Now it's "just wait until you're in 7 stores, then you can start approaching 10-20 store chains." But the closer I get to the end of the tunnel, I just don't see much of a route to take or a ending that I feel comfortable with. The ending that was fuzzy and imprecise in 2015 of "yeah, I'll just become a famous and great selling hat brand that sells purely off aesthetics!" is now much clearer. You see, from the start, I decided that cool designs trumped brand image. I thought the idea of wearing clothing to "represent something" was the biggest load of BS ever and that awesome aesthetics should trump a dumb logo on a nondescript piece of clothing. I still strongly believe this and would still never buy a piece of clothing because with a logo that symbolizes "forever fun", "Supreme", some home/regional affinity, and the litany of inspirational or edgy messages you will find as logos plastered on clothing (just look at /r/streetwearstartup). Aesthetics trump all in my mind.But here's the catch-- I don't even like my hat aesthetics now. Hell, I don't even like my hat type all all, forget the design printed on it. So I've essentially checkmated myself because I can't even evolve my brand because I got into this to not have a fucking brand at all! Aesthetics, aesthetics, aesthetics, right? Well that really helped out when my tastes naturally evolved away from a seemingly unsaturated and uncapitalized hat niche towards liking hats of a totally different breed and saturated in the market. And I have no desire to make my clothing brand into a lifestyle brand that "means something" like Neff, Supreme, Volcom, and the other lifestyle streetwear brands out there. At this point, I'm also super detached from my main demographic I'm trying to sell to-- skaters, teenage punks, and potheads. Closest thing I ever was to those when I started the hat company at 16 was a teenage punk. Today, I'm so much more interested in making money (legally and safely), achieving financial freedom to travel the world and do whatever I want. I feel like an adult now and not a teenage punk who'd want to wear the hats I design. It feels like I hedged $5k and 2 years on a short-lived phase of my life.Here's the weird part: I only started having serious doubts about my hat business after I got my first store sales. I had one period of serious doubt after my first store sale about a few weeks ago which caused me to start a second backup venture with shopify dropshipping. After my second store sale I'm having this second period of doubt right now. It doesn't help that for each yes I inevitably get many no's which erodes my already low confidence in my products. The closer I get to the end of the tunnel, the more clearly I see the end game and the less I like. At heart, I'm an opportunist and an entrepreneur first, not a fashion designer. I'm not Shaun Neff of Neff or James Jebbia of Supreme, engrossed in the cultural intricacies surrounding their brand (skateboarding, streetwear, punk/hiphop culture). I'm a businessman, focused on money first and anything else second. I feel like I'm in an industry of cultural snobs, none of which resonates with me so I can't resonate with them. If I go forward, I feel like my attempts will be like Hillary Clinton desperately trying to appeal to young voters-- forced, ingenuine, and ultimately failing. Making money and growing a business gives me so much more of a thrill and feeling of being alive than designing hats and connecting to some "lifestyle." I can trudge forward with cold calls and getting IG influencers but all the sales material I've ever read said to be 100% convinced/in love with what you're selling. I'm at 3/10 convinced. Maybe if I become rich again and I have a lot of money, I'll be back in the same abundant mentality I was in 2015 and somehow like my hats again. A long shot.The other option is that I just throw it all away, accept defeat that this is not the business I'm meant to succeed at, store/sell my hats for $2 a piece, and throw away $5k and 2 years of work, ALBEIT keeping the skills I've obtained. I can go into doing internet marketing or social media management for clients (I already have one that pays me $300/mo, long story). But what if I just focus 100% on cold calling more, get into 7 stores, and then get into regional chains? I've read the book The Dip and it talks about when to give up. What if I'm just throwing this all away at the last moment before victory? What if I just pump myself up to 10/10 enthusiasm while selling, get into more stores, get into chains, and make an assload of money? My first priority right now is making money, and my hat business could potentially make me a lot of money if I somehow fake it til I make it. Somehow I'd have to build a brand over clothing I'm not fully in love with but can make me a lot of money because other people like it. God it's such a messed up situation. I wish I had never gotten involved in this and somehow did internet marketing instead two years ago, but here I am now and I must make a move with the position I have.I'm not necessarily giving up on my hat company yet. But what do you guys think? Rarely do I feel lost but right now I am. What would you do in my situation?EDIT (from the comments): As to demand, there's demand for the product, similar products (like the original I bought) have been designed for years. I just feel like I can't design them or do the niche anymore because I'm personally no longer interested in the product as my tastes have evolved. For example, I used to eat a ton of chili all the time last year, but now I don't eat any chili and just eat a ton of pasta with alfredo sauce because that's what I like. Doing my niche feels like becoming a world class chili chef because I can be the best, losing interest in chili and not really eating it except for taste-testing/quality purposes, and then eating alfredo sauce pasta on the downlow. People still want to eat chili whether I'm the world class chef making it or some other lesser chef is making it. The ultimate question is do I be the world class chili chef if I can't even enjoy my own chili and is it even possible for my chili quality not to suffer as a result?

#/r/entrepreneur #reddit

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