#god maybe i should just fucking off myself
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wanna see? | c.s. |
chris sturniolo x fem! reader
summary: during a night of heavy drinking, y/n tells chris that her roommate, who had slept with him weeks prior, had been less than impressed by his skills in the bedroom. chris asks if y/n believes her roommate, and when she says she does, he decides to prove her wrong.
warnings: SMUTTTTT; established friendship; oral (m/f receiving); p in v; DIRTY TALK; unprotected sex; drinking; spanking; ROUGH; 18+
notes: not to gas myself up but...this smut...is insane. i literally wrote all of this in like three hours idk what happened i think my body was taken over by my hormone monster or some shit. but anyways i hope u chris girlies enjoy <333
ᵕᵕᵕᵕ୨♡︎୧ᵕᵕᵕᵕ
“Y/n! Our Uber is two minutes away, are you ready?” My roommate Bree called from the other side of my bedroom door just as I finished applying my lip gloss. “Yep! I’ll be out in a second.” I replied, taking one final look at myself in the full length mirror and adjusting my pleated mini skirt. Satisfied with my appearance, I finally exited my room and found Bree struggling to tie her corset top up herself. “Oh god, let me help.” I sighed, grabbing her shoulders to turn her around so that I could lace her up. “Thanks babe. Oh my god, you look unreal!” She exclaimed, facing me once I was finished, and I smiled sheepishly. “You don’t think it’s too much?” I looked down at my tiny skirt, low cut top, and chunky boots self consciously. “Absolutely fucking not. As a matter of fact I think you should wear that outfit every day for the rest of your life.” She replied before poking my cleavage playfully. I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Oh shut up, let’s go.” I shoved her shoulder jokingly and we both headed for the front door of our apartment.
“So,” I began once we got on the elevator, “Who’s all gonna be there tonight?” Bree’s fingers were flying across the keyboard on her phone, frantically texting someone. “Um…the usual group I think, probably gonna be a few other random people we don’t know yet, but Nick told me they’re keeping it pretty small this year.” She replied as we got into our Uber and I nodded in acknowledgment.
We were heading to the triplets’ house to celebrate their 21st birthday. Bree and I had met Nick Matt and Chris about a year ago, and the five of us had grown extremely close since then. It was a short drive from our place to theirs, but still I pulled out two mini bottles of tequila and handed one to Bree. She raised an eyebrow at me and I shrugged. “We didn’t have time for a pre game.” I said simply before raising my bottle to cheers her. She laughed before doing the same, and we both took our shot. “Fucking ew,” She said, shuddering, “I hate tequila.” It was my turn to laugh. “The first shot is always the worst, remember?” She nodded hesitantly. “True enough.”
“So…you think things are gonna be weird with you and Chris? This is the first time you’ve seen him since-” Bree cut me off by waving her hand nonchalantly. “Nah, it’ll be fine. For him it meant nothing, and you already know what it was for me.” I bit my lip to stifle a laugh.
A few weeks ago, I was awoken from my sleep at 3 a.m. by Bree barging into my room to tell me that she had just slept with Chris. This news shocked me, since I knew that she had been pining after Matt since we first met them. When I asked her to explain how the fuck that happened, her only explanation was that she was drunk enough to pretend that Chris was Matt. Initially, I had been concerned that their intimacy would make things weird in our group, but both of them seemed to be completely unbothered by it.
“Alright well, let’s just enjoy the night.” I said as our Uber pulled up to the house. “And who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky with the right triplet tonight.” I joked before walking up to the front door, side by side with Bree. She sighed. “Probably not. Pretty sure all hope of that disappeared once I opened my legs for his brother.”
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Staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, I realized that I was drunk. Bree and I had arrived at the house about an hour ago, and we both immediately took three tequila shots back to back in honour of the triplets’ birthday. Thirty minutes later, we took another trio of shots, and that was more than enough to get me absolutely wasted. I haphazardly reapplied my lipgloss before exiting the washroom and heading back over to the kitchen to grab something else to drink.
“Whoa whoa whoa.” Shouted Nick over the loud music before rushing from the cluster of people he was with and grabbing the bottle of tequila from my hand. “Pretty sure you don’t need any more of that right now. How about some water?” He phrased it like a question, but didn’t wait for me to respond before grabbing a solo cup and filling it with water. I made a weak attempt at protesting, but deep down I knew that he was right; I was so far gone and the night was still young. “Thanks Nicky.” I said once he brought me the cup of water, and he rolled his eyes. “Ew. Don’t call me that. Now come over here and hang out with us.” He led me to the kitchen table, where him, Chris, Matt, Nate, and a few of their other friends were chatting.
“Hey Y/n, you want a shot?” Nate asked, a bottle of vodka gleaming in his hand. Just as I was about to respond, Nick cut me off with an aggressive “No!”, causing me to pout. “Oh yeah, you’re wasted kid.” Chris said with a shot glass in his hand. I looked at him for a moment, taking in his disheveled appearance and blood shot eyes. “Yeah well so are you.” I retorted weakly, and he chuckled. “It’s my birthday, so no judgments allowed.” He said before immediately lifting his glass to cheers with the rest of the group.
I stood there sipping my water slowly as they all took their shots, my eyes focused on Chris’ sharp jaw as he grimaced from the taste of the alcohol. I continued to watch his mouth as he spoke to the person to his right, caught in a drunk trance and intrigued by the rosy colour of his lips.
If I was being honest, I had felt a certain attraction towards Chris since I met him. It wasn’t exactly a crush, and I certainly didn’t have any sort of serious feelings for him, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t ever been tempted to go there with him before. There was a time, early on in our friendship, where we almost crossed that line.
I had been helping him hang posters on the wall above his bed, when he suddenly tackled me onto the mattress. It started off playful, but after a few moments of us play fighting, he ended up on top of me and the mood in the room completely changed. The smiles on our faces disappeared, and I felt my heart begin to race as his lips moved closer and closer to mine. Just as our lips brushed, the sound of Matt’s footsteps coming down the basement stairs caused us to jump apart, and we never spoke of that moment again.
Outside of that time, him and I had only ever acted as very good friends. As a matter of fact, out of all of the triplets I definitely got along with Chris the best. We both had similar personalities, and could joke around without worrying about hurting each other’s feelings.
I was pulled out of my thoughts by Nick’s voice to my left. “Y/n, did I tell you how unbelievably hot you look tonight?” I giggled, noticing that his voice was beginning to sound slurred even to me, so he was clearly drunk. “You did, but thank you Nick.” I replied, smoothing down my skirt and batting my eyelashes jokingly in his direction. I thoughtlessly glanced at Chris, and found his glossy eyes trailing slowly down my figure; clearly admiring my outfit.
“Hey Y/n, have you seen Bree?” Asked Nate, and I looked around the room quickly, realizing that I hadn’t seen her since I used the washroom. “I saw her go outside a little while ago, probably went to smoke.” Replied Matt, and I smiled to myself knowing that Bree will love the fact that he has been secretly keeping tabs on her whereabouts. “Speaking of Bree,” Chris started, turning back to look at me, “Did she tell you about what happened two weeks ago?”
The group grew silent for a moment as they waited for me to respond. I took a sip from my water and nodded. “She sure did.” Chris smirked. “I’m surprised she even had to tell you. You must have been out cold if you slept through all that noise she was making.” The entire group groaned, clearly disturbed by Chris’ lack of filter. “Oh my god! Goodbye.” Nick threw his hands in the air before storming off to join Madi on the couch in the living room.
I scoffed, grabbing the bottle of vodka from Nate and taking a swig. “Bullshit.” I replied simply, wincing from the burn as the vodka travelled to my stomach. Chris raised an eyebrow. “Oh? How so?” Even in my drunken state I was very aware of the amount of eyes on me awaiting a response. “Well, I asked her to rate the sex on a scale from one to ten. She said six.” The group broke into laughter, and Chris’ jaw clenched as he smirked. “Hmm, funny.” He replied.
“You asked for the wrong number,” Said Nate through his laughter, “You should have asked her for the inches.” Chris grabbed the bottle of vodka from me before bringing it to his lips. “Oh I did,” I smiled, leaning towards Chris’ ear before continuing in a whisper so that only he could hear, “I believe her exact words were, ‘nothing special’.” Chris smirked, swiping his tongue across his front teeth. “Oh really? And you believe that?” He responded, and I nodded, crossing my arms across my chest. “I have no reason to not believe her.” We stood there for a moment, both of us just staring at the other tauntingly as the rest of the group just watched in silence, clearly feeling left out of the conversation all of a sudden. Finally, after letting his eyes travel down my body slowly again, Chris spoke.
“You wanna see for yourself?”
It took every fibre of my being to keep my jaw from physically dropping at his words. “Uh, what the fuck are we talking about here?” Nate said, his voice tentative. I kept my gaze on Chris, hoping that my eyes weren’t giving away how shocked I was. I watched him watch me; his bright blue eyes drilling into mine, his lips upturned in a confident smirk. Realizing I had been silent for too long, I blinked repeatedly and cleared my throat to regain my nonchalant composure before shrugging. “Sure.” I heard Matt groan beside me as I grabbed the vodka from Chris, taking a sip as I followed him towards the stairs to his bedroom. “I’m gonna be sick.” Matt’s distant voice shouted as Chris and I descended the stairs and walked into his dark bedroom.
Once Chris shut and locked his bedroom door, I felt a pit in my stomach begin to grow. I suddenly broke into a fit of laughter from the ridiculousness of this situation. “What are you laughing at kid?” Asked Chris, beginning to chuckle himself. I took a moment to catch my breath before responding. “You’re not actually gonna let me see your dick, are you?” I clutched my stomach as I tried to control my laughter, and he shrugged. “I will if you want to see it.” I bit my lip in contemplation, trying desperately to think properly through my drunk fog. Failing miserably, I nod my head.
Chris smirked. “Come here then.” I put the bottle of vodka down on his desk and walked over to where he was standing in the middle of his room. I stopped about a foot away from him, but he gently pulled me closer. Looking at my face, he finally pulled me up against him; rubbing an uncertain thumb against the small of my back. “Wait, I’m not hard right now.” He chuckled, seeming to have his own moment of consciousness. I smiled up at him and tilted my head, placing a hand on his stomach. “Well I need to see it in its full glory. How else am I gonna know if you’re telling the truth?” His thumb stopped its movement on my back, and a glimmer of something flashed in his eyes.
“Okay, then make me feel good baby.”
My stomach did a somersault at his words, and I wrapped my arm around his shoulders. Leaning forward, I brushed my lips against his before grabbing his bottom lip with my teeth and pulling slightly; watching as it snapped back into place. My right hand slowly traveled down his stomach towards his waistband, where I let it linger for a moment before moving down to his crotch. There, I had to keep myself from audibly gasping; as even through his pants, his fast growing bulge was in fact huge.
Chris smiled lazily as my hand continued to palm his clothed dick. “Impressed yet?” My eyes snapped to his, and I decided to maintain my unimpressed persona. I hummed, my lips touching his but not quite kissing them. “Is this all you got Chris?” I bit his lip once more just before it turned up in a smirk. “Not quite.”
I gasped in shock as Chris spun me around and slammed me against the door, attacking my lips with his own. His kiss was full of a sort of animalistic hunger, and I was consumed by the taste of peppermint and vodka. He pressed me even harder against the wall as he rolled his hips against me, and I fought the urge to whimper at the feeling of his restrained cock against my needy core. He brought both of his hands up and pulled my low-cut top down to free my tits before grabbing one in each hand. Detaching his lips from mine, he took a moment to look at my chest before attaching his mouth to my left nipple; swirling his tongue around its sensitive nerves before moving onto the right.
Pulling away from my tits and once again coming face-to-face with me, he spoke. “Get on your knees.” He placed his hands on my shoulders and began guiding me down to the ground. Now at the same height as his bulging member, I watched as he wasted no time in removing his jeans. Now only concealed by his thin boxers, the true size of his cock was much easier to see. I stared in silence for a moment, taking in the fact that his boxers just barely covered its entire length. “Now do you believe me?” He asked from above me. I struggled to find my words, but I didn’t want to end this crazy game that we were playing, so I shook my head. “I’ve seen bigger.” I replied, looking up at him with doe eyes.
Chris rolled his eyes before pulling his boxers down to his knees. Now fully exposed, his cock smacked my face as it sprung free from its restraint. I couldn’t help but stare at it in awe — it had to be at least eight inches — as the faint light in the room reflected on its beautiful veins. “Open your mouth.” Chris’ commanding voice pulled me from my trance, and I looked up at him in shock. “What?” He tilted his head, “You said you’ve seen bigger, so you should have no problem swallowing this cock. So open your mouth.” His dirty words went right to my heat, and I felt my panties begin to flood with arousal.
Chris used both hands to collect all of my hair and held it out of my face as I wrapped my lips around the first few inches of his cock. Starting slow, I swirled my tongue around his sensitive tip before bobbing my head; taking a bit more of his length with each pump. I released his cock from my mouth for a second to catch my breath, before quickly leaning back in and deep throating his entire length. I heard a hiss escape his lips as my nose brushed against the sprinkle of hair against his lower stomach, and I began moving my head up and down his entire length; making sure to get every inch of him in my mouth.
“F-fuck, Y/n, that’s good. Keep going.” Chris rasped, and he began thrusting his hips at the same pace I was moving at. I moaned around his cock as his grip on my hair tightened; halting my movements entirely as he began face fucking me. Tears welled in my eyes as his cock repeatedly slammed into my throat, and I watched his face as his jaw went slack in both concentration and arousal.
Suddenly, all his movements stopped and he pulled me up to my feet. With his lips on mine and his hands tightly grasping my ass, he walked me backwards towards his bed. Once my heels reached the edge of the bed, Chris reached under my skirt and slid my panties down my legs. Feeling myself lose all sense of control, I didn’t hesitate when he ordered me to lay on my stomach with my ass in the air. I began trying to remove my skirt, but was stopped short by a sharp slap to my ass. “No, leave it on. You have no idea how sexy you look right now.” My back arched subconsciously from his words, and I began to tremble in anticipation.
I felt the bed shift as Chris climbed on, and I shuddered from the heat of his breath against my core as he spoke. “You want to talk shit about how you don’t think I can make girls scream, then you better stay fucking silent.” He gave me barely any time to register his words before his mouth connected to my core. Working his tongue relentlessly against my clit, I buried my face in his duvet to keep from making any noise. Using both hands to massage my ass as he continued to devour my cunt, he very quickly proved to me that he did in fact know how to eat pussy.
His mouth moved from my clit to my opening, and I couldn’t stop the guttural moan from passing my lips as his tongue began to plunge into me. Immediately, he stopped his movements and slapped my ass hard. “What did I say?” He asked, his gravelly voice filled with a sinister edge. “S-sorry.” I replied, pushing my core back in an attempt at reconnecting with his talented mouth. “That’s my good girl.” He replied before finally re-attaching his mouth to my hole. I bit down on my lip — so hard that it began to bleed — in order to keep myself from making another noise as I felt an orgasm approach. Chris continued using his tongue to fuck me as my legs began to shake and my brain grew fuzzy.
Like a tidal wave, my orgasm overtook my body and I began to convulse uncontrollably. I was somehow able to stifle my sounds of pleasure, even when Chris moaned into my pussy as I felt myself squirt all over his face. Without even giving me a moment to recover, Chris straightened his body up onto his knees, grabbed onto my hips, and plunged every substantial inch of his cock into me. At this, I couldn’t help but scream out in shock, and Chris promptly pulled out of me; leaving my dripping core feeling empty. “I told you to shut the fuck up. Do you want me to stop?” He tapped my pussy with his cock as he waited for me to respond. Scared to say anything, I simply shook my head. “Are you ready to admit that Bree was lying?” I turned my head so that I could see him behind me.
“Size doesn’t mean shit if you don’t know how to use it. So go ahead and prove yourself right.” At my words, Chris shook his head as his lips turned up in a smirk. Immediately, his dick slid back into me slowly, and I felt my hole stretch more and more as he bottomed out. He stayed still for a moment, before pulling his hips back so far that his tip was barely resting inside of me; and then slammed all of himself back into my cervix. He continued at this agonizingly slow and deep pace for a while, and used his words to taunt me the entire time.
“You’re such a good girl, taking all my cock like this.”
“I bet you feel so good right now baby.”
“Oh fuck, keep creaming all over this big dick.”
Suddenly, Chris pulled out of me and flipped me onto my back. Wasting no time, he hooked my legs around his neck and pushed his inches back into me. I stared at him, mouth open, as he watched my pussy swallow his cock with each quick thrust. Using one arm to support his weight, he placed his free hand on my stomach and pressed down. “You feel that?” He began, finding the spot where my stomach was bulging, “Feel how deep in your guts my cock can get?” My eyes rolled to the back of my head and I bit on my own arm to stifle the noises that were dying to escape it as I felt my second orgasm approaching.
Chris seemed to notice my impending climax, as he leaned forward to reach even deeper into me. “You want to cum, hmm?” He cooed, bringing a hand to my cheek. With my face contorted in the confusing combination of pleasure and frustration, I nodded my head. He moved my arm away from my mouth and planted a deep kiss there. “You can cum as hard as you want, just as soon as you tell me how good my cock makes you feel.” I whined silently, my overstimulated nerves causing my body to fill with a sudden desperation. “Come on, Y/n,” Chris brought his thumb down between our bodies and began rubbing my clit, “I want you to cum for me.”
I was panting now, feeling as though I might explode from the overwhelming pressure within my body. I was quickly realizing that I was losing this battle, and it was time to throw in the towel.
“Fuck Chris you’re so big.” I nearly screamed out, gripping onto his shoulders in a weak attempt at keeping my composure. “Feels so good, please let me cum.” I begged, and watched his face as his pupils dilated from my words. “That’s my girl. Now let go.” His hips continued pounding into me as I finally gave into my orgasm, and I lost all control of my mind as I spewed a plethora of moan-filled profanities into the room. My walls contracted uncontrollably around his girth as my orgasm tore through my body, and I felt my nails dig into the skin on his shoulders.
“Oh fuck Y/n, gonna cum too. Where do you want me?” His words came out shaky, and I didn’t hesitate before responding, “In me, please baby.” I begged, wanting to feel his warm seed spill into my worn out core. “Shiiit.” He hissed, his body slowing to a near-halt as he rode out his own orgasm. With slow, lazy thrusts, he pushed his cum deep into me as his cock twitched repeatedly.
Eventually, his movements stopped completely, and he slowly pulled out of me and walked towards his bathroom. When he returned, he came back with a towel and used it to help clean me up in silence while I caught my breath.
“I might be drunk,” He started, “But that was hot as fuck.” I laughed, holding my spinning head before sitting up. “We are never to speak of this again.” I said as I got to my feet to retrieve my underwear. “Sure sure…until the next time we do it right?” I rolled my eyes at his response and nudged his shoulder playfully. “Shut up. I need a shot, let’s go.” I headed for the door once he was fully clothed and together we began to climb the stairs. “How likely is it that everyone up here knows what we did?” I whispered to him as we neared the top. “Oh very likely, but who cares? It’s my birthday, so no judgments allowed.” He winked at me as we made it to the kitchen, where everyone’s eyes immediately landed on us.
“Oh god.” I muttered under my breath as I hurried over to Bree, who was smiling knowingly at me as she began pouring out two shots of tequila. “Please tell me one of these are mine.” I whispered to her, and she laughed. “It sure is. You have a good time down there?” She wiggled her eyebrows as she handed me a slice of lime. “If you really meant it when you said his dick was ‘nothing special’, then I’m gonna need the names and numbers of the guys you were ranking him against.” She tilted her head back and exploded into laughter before lifting her shot glass in the air and urging me to do the same. “You got it, babe. Just as soon as I get Matt to fall in love with me.” I laughed, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before raising my own glass. “Cheers!”
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#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo smut#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#chris sturniolo fanfic#chris sturniolo x reader#sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo smut#chris sturniolo x you
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One quote from Enid Sinclair per every chapter of Kooky Spooky in which she has been present.
(Note: She is present in Ch.6 & 7 but in a total wolf out, so she has no dialogue).
"Yeah, yeah... relax. The knife-throwing contest is still on. I already made it clear to Wednesday that she could only use volunteers as living targets. Yoko has offered." (Chapter 1)
"I think she's mine and Wednesday's daughter, but not from around here." (Chapter 2)
"Sigh... as tempting as it is I'd ask you both not to maim her just because of her bad habit of spouting occasional idiocy." (Chapter 3)
"They've captured our Friday. Let's go find her and then you'll teach me what's the most painful way to rip off the head of the person responsible." (Chapter 4)
"Sorry, I just… I don't feel like wasting time with this ceremony right now..." (Chapter 5)
"OMG! Why do I always forget this now when I return to my human form!!??" (Chapter 8)
"Holy shit, I'm a hunk." (Chapter 10)
"Aaaw, I think it's very cute. I'm sure deep down your Bruno appreciated this kind of attention." (Chapter 11)
"Are you very fond of this nightgown?" (Chapter 12)
"And I smell people, and pollution, lots of pollution." (Chapter 13)
"Gosh, you're a year older than us now. This is disconcerting." (Chapter 14)
"Wednesday, don't talk about your parents as if they were rabbits." (Chapter 15)
"I'm sorry... I..." (Chapter 16)
"You threw me against a building and caused me to terrify a family! That's very rude!" (Chapter 17)
"At least you're not a racist nutcase who would use her personal Hyde to gather bits of human remains for resurrection rituals." (Chapter 18)
"Your sister told us a little about you when we met her. Well, she told us that you liked to be thrown with catapults..." (Chapter 19)
"I'm not going to fight you! We don't have the time!" (Chapter 20)
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" (Chapter 21)
"Uh, I should say something, but just for calling Tyler a dime-store Hyde I'll let you have a pass." (Chapter 22)
"Wednesday and I are keeping our names because our dimension was the one originally visited by the others... Pure convenience but it was all by mutual agreement between all parties." (Chapter 23)
"What happened to my local counterpart?" (Chapter 24)
"God, it's a little trippy to think of myself as dead." (Chapter 25)
"Principal Weems! Or maybe I should say director... uh... because of the... Yeah, I'd better shut up." (Chapter 26)
"Uh... yeah, it's something I usually do, Wednesday. You used to love to complain about it." (Chapter 27)
"For your own sake, you'd better..." (Chapter 28)
"They will have no hesitation in killing any of you." (Chapter 29)
"You're going...to pay...for..." (Chapter 30)
"Oh... erm... apology accepted my... err... my lord?" (Chapter 33)
"But wait a minute, if they're a confederation of packs how come there's a princess?" (Chapter 34)
"I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong with your last name. It's just that... well, in my reality a counterpart of you is one of my best friends." (Chapter 35)
"Ok, the doppelgänger thing I can get, but what's with the homunculus?" (Chapter 36)
"And now... now I get this story that I'm some kind of... multiversal warrior who reincarnates, like a cheap copy of Avatar: The Last Airbender!?" (Chapter 37)
"Ah, ah. I already know the electricity trick." (Chapter 38)
"We're going to breach The Bright One's defenses. And we won't use magic to do it. What we need is science. Mad science." (Chapter 39)
"What do you say about finding a way to inter-dimensionally travel to a magically sealed universe to rescue Wednesday and Friday and deal with an army of supernatural monsters?" (Chapter 40)
"Six months, my love. It has taken me six months to be able to come back to you." (Chapter 41)
"It's just that if you leave me stranded in another universe I have a bad habit of trying to find my way back." (Chapter 42)
"Oops, someone's a wee bit cranky." (Chapter 43)
"It's just that… Look at her! We're not even talking about being just a MILF anymore. I'm going to be totes a GILF, for real." (Chapter 44)
“My name… is… Enid Addams.” (Chapter 46)
"Fuck, Weds, getting stabbed by a saber shouldn't feel so good!" (Chapter 47)
"Who are we? Right now and right here, we are the Addams family." (Chapter 48)
"Well...I mean...the truth is...erm...Ireallylikeyourhairandyourloosehairdoesthingstome." (Chapter 49)
"Six months, Weds. I've been six months away from you. The word insatiable doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.” (Chapter 50)
“You know, if you keep calling them that they're going to end up being born with horns and wings.” (Epilogue)
#enid sinclair#wednesday addams#wenclair#wenclair fic#wenclair fanfic#wednesday netflix#wednesday#the addams family#wenid#quotes#quote#ao3 link#archive of our own#fanfiction#kooky spooky
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mmmm jamie moment
#my ex was fr right though like#im toxic and too high maintenance and too insecure to be worth time or love#god maybe i should just fucking off myself#we just arent . mentally compatible i dont think#i hope he realises that :/ i dont have any motivation to meet anymore bc im just a disappointment#tbh i bet his parents would hate me anyways like im not dealing with that#like idk theyll see me and go ‘wow he has lowered his standards to be interested in this person …’#bc i can just fucking tell all of his ex partners were better#i actually hope his last ex comes back and they get together again and fix everything so that i can move on or smth#like by the sounds of it they were rlly happy and stuff so why should i ever bother competing w/ someone else :/#he probably just sees his ex in me somehow#like idk maybe we have the same eyes or nose or we sound similar or maybe i have traits like her#whenever he sees me or hears me i bet he thinks of her#maybe when he says my name or thinks of me he pretends its her#which is fine bc then i make him kinda happy ?#idk#i just#i just want him#i wish he was here#i wish i had the confidence to say what im feeling#i wish that i believe that he cares#bc then maybe i know we would be ok#jamie.txt
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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cant stress how obsessed i am with yamaguchis shirt
#snap chats#this is rgg related because i said so shut up ANYWAY#i DID steal this from twitter but i need to share it every with everyone so im not sorry#the person i stole this from rt'd a photoset from themselves and in it motomiya wearing The Silliest outfit ever#but ive already shared too much. ive already gone off topic too much we're moving on#i will bookmark it tho cause it makin me giggle#anyway if you cant read it. and id be so happy to type out what it says.#it says 'can't miss it!! you've got to go to nepal they have a big festival called Maha Shivaratri full moon night in february'#dont know why it makes me giggle it just does. like fuck man maybe i SHOULD go to nepal in february <- maha shivaratri is in march next yea#anyway everyone be nice to me today i have a spanish exam later and it Should be easy#but i was fighting god and the devil last night trying to sleep because my cramps decided to kick my ass EXTRA hard#I NEVER GET BAD CRAMPS WHYYYY DID IT HAVE TO BE BEFRE AN EXAM WHEN I NEED GOOD SLEEP !!!!!!#im lucky my spanish class is in the evening but god it was so painful#the last time i experienced pain as bad as that was when i was trying to sleep after busting my wrist#so awful.... i hurt a lil now but i'll get through it#ok bye let me study up just to reaffirm some Spanish Knowledge with myself
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I believe I deserve a sweet little treat [He has done nothing important for the past week]
#i am so fucked#don't let them see this!#i could always go to the kitchen - Above the fridge ;-)#siiigh to have things i enjoy. the worst. ever.#i really dont wanna be god im so fucked but im so tired. and i dont want to be yelled at but i dont want to do anything#i feel like just. lying down and not getting back up. nap time. oreverrrr#i really wish i could live carefree doing whatever#guh. is it even worth it to try?#im just going to end up all. eugh.#sure. it was great last year. but uhghfhfhg so quiet and so hard and so. bluh.#i really dont wanna wake up on monday#so stressful all the time#im either stressed but enjoying and spending time with friends or stressed and alone but people are proud of me#maybe we should cut off interests for a while - it could fix hims stuff.#i wish i could focus#i dont know why so hard recently#uhhhghĥhhhhhhh#i dont think i deserve to sleep but im so tired but i need to work on things#god i want to kill myself - you can't!! youve taken too many vows to die now
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#havent really been active on tumblr the last few days but now i came back to post another vent and fuck off again lol hiiiiii#i havent cried in way too long. ngl sobbing hysterically in your bed does hit different lol#anyway. what a great time to remind myself of every single bad thing anyone has ever said about my body and my face <3#anyway i finished the sobbing till i cant breathe session and now my one eye hurts like there's sth stuck in it but there's nothing#but while i was digging in it trying to find sth under my eyelid that could explain the pain i really really looked at it#my friend once said my eyes are the colour of a swamp and by god she was right.#and like damn. i was never insecure about my eyes but maybe i should add that to the list.#but like whatever. like obv im not gonna start being actually insecure about mu stupid eyes but it did hit me that there is really#not a single thing about my body that i can with all confidence say is nice/pretty/whatever. not a single thing that i genuinely like.#like at best case it's 'not as bad as it could be'. like i have nothing lol. cant even honestly say something as silly as 'i like my eyes'#cause no. they look like a swamp.#idk im just so tired of trying my best all the time and still looking like a rotting leaking bag of garbage.#i try to remind myself that i dress funny and do fun make up and that is what people will notice about me but the truth is#everyone will still always see that under all that bs im just plain ugly and just generally unattractive#and ill never be able to distract anyone from that not really#like ik people who like me dont care about that but thats the thing.#im just tired of being one of the people that will always be liked/loved/whatever 'despite' sth.#like there is nothing of value in me that is NATURAL. its all fucking fake.#anyway. wish i were dead same old same old.
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prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
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idk who needs to hear this but maybe that survival skill you have is actually a trauma response
#had this Realization the other day#when i was in middle school i got bullied and part of the reason i was targeted was#i was the teacher's pet. like top of the class student with the answer to every question kinda guy#and at some point i taught myself to Not raise my hand and give answers even if i had them#because me answering a teacher's question became synonymous with me showing off that i knew shit#= more resentment towards me and more bullying#and that stuck with me#to this day when i know something that someone is wondering about#i feel like i either have to act like i don't know either or hide behind fake uncertainty#because ''if i say i know they'll think i'm bragging. they'll think i'm saying i'm smarter than them''#''they'll be annoyed. they'll hate me''#and i thought That's just how you live. maybe that's humility. maybe that's how you should be with other people.#IT'S NOT BITCH IT'S GOD DAMN TRAUMA AGAIN 🎺#it's ye ol' remnants of bullying victimdom and abandonment issues#mixing into one big smoothie of ''i can't let people know i know things or they'll want nothing to do with me''#which is not a normal human feeling !!!!#if it was we wouldn't have bitches like ben shapiro or w/e so eager to open their damn mouths even if they're hated for it#should i have less confidence than fucking jordan peterson?!
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mental health just straight up plummeting
#toy txt post#everyday the smallest things have me spiralling into such stupid despair#constantly fighting myself cos every single thing has me wanting to throw up my hands and walk the fuck off bc theres bo point#whats the fucking point!! just despair and exhaustion and burned the fuck out and gnashing at the fucking walls and then spiralling into#a stupid little self pity self hate spiral cos im just a weak stupid little baby who cant handle the real world. plenty of ppl have it so#much worse and havent given up yet so whats my fucking problem? which is so stupid. but i cant logic my way out of this one#so i am simply sitting here feeling so god damn bad#and i dont even really have. a good reason for it. idk. like i dont have a lot of concrete quantifiable reasons i can present about why#i am so goddamn miserable at my job. im just. going insane i need out im performing badly its not worth it theres no fucking point#every day im fighting the urge to just fucking walk off over the stupidest tiniest things that are definitely not worth that kind of#reaction. like yea maybe i do need like mental health meds or smth but i also know. i need out of this fucking. job. but i dont know#like. idk its like my options are just kore of this same stupid bullshit or retail/food service. and like. shout out to retail and food#service. i fucking could not i fucking cannot. but like im reaching that point here too. everything hurts all the time with no reprieve and#all my options just feel like its gonna be ! even more stupid repetitive motions that wont help! like idk! idk what to do. i just#wanna read about stupid little fucking worms and fish but doing that professionally im not sure im up to it and#between me and that career path is thousands of dollars and homework. so#now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead#trying so hard not to display idk red flag behavior but im Going Insane. i should just start crying at work. why bother hiding it. whats the#point#vent#ig#i should go eat. and waste the rest of my stupid fucking night playing zelda trying to soothe my brain enough to function except im not#functjoning cos then itll be 5am again and ill have done nothing but play zelda and be up too late and go to bed and not get enough sleep#and be a little to a lot late and be miserable and the cycle just fucking never ends#not enough fucking podcasts about worms out there for this#i opened several academic papers on tongue eating isopods to cope and barely read them bc i cant do that at work it takes too long and i get#lost and my productivity is already in the shit and i need to stop being on my phone and i know that but like also if i dont fucking#distract my stupid fucking brain right fucking now im gonna start throwing things and crying#anyway. thats how im doing. bye
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I think the huge chunk in the middle of my wip notebook that is just manic notes, outlines, time lines, entire chapters complete with edits from the last (almost) year that I abandoned should idk... have the decency to tear themselves out and set themselves on fire
#nothing like sitting down last night like: you know what! I am gonna try again! fck it! I CAN write!#I know I can cause I checked! I can absolutely write it's fine I'm actually pretty good at this!#and opening the notebook and looking at the cery loose wip notes and going: ok! I can work with like 80% of this!#what else is in here?!!!#that was my mistake.... I should not have looked at what else was in there#pages and pages and pages of 3 different wips I tried to make work for one ship#a couple for another#a whole fleshed out 5+1 for a beloved ship wip that I just.... gave up on#notes from the last fic I shared nearly a year ago#that was the last time my writing flowed. I could read those notes and be like#oh this bitch is onto something. she's FEELING IT.#and then after that. poof. I tried and tried and tried and tried.#and then I got all in my head abt the one ship. and the source material. and I honest to god just.#kinda burned myself out on fic and fandom and blorbos in general tbh. like. that ship nearly killed my creativity.#for good.#but now I'm kinda like hmmmm you knkw what I'm not bad actually!!!#but then. open the notebook. and womp womp. maybe I am bad. maybe I've always been bad. maybe I SHOULDN'T try again.#closed the notebook and went to bed. idk if I wanna look at it tonight again#might just fuck off and try to make sense of the new true d ep that's apparently out tonight#(this season has been so mid so far mehhh)#erin explains it all
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#man. had two therapy appointments today and i feel. just. very bad. not good.#first one is too much to go into but really the take away is don't do drugs kids#especially if you're fucking mentally ill#second one just... got to meet my new therapist. very young woman. very. ohh and aww and she started#with. hey. we're doing cbt :) look at this neat little printout that you can fill in :)#when i tell you i wanted to tear off my own skin#i still do! but being very cool and mature about it and calming myself down by eating and watching seokjin and that did soothe#but this woman right. 'so you think the world is an awful place? is that right? is that one of your core beliefs?'#no!!!!!! yes!!!! but like. i don't think changing my mindset re: the world is my problem???#is it??? like... the world is awful and unfair yes but i want to React to that in a way that's useful. THAT is what i want to changr#i want to not be too tired or overstimulated or whatever to even have empathy for anyone or anything#or too numb/derealised/depersonalised whatever :'')#and she just... 'why are you sad? when are you sad?' like god fucking hell im fucking depressed okay?? we know this!!! it's fine!!!#a fucking cbt thing im.......#maybe i SHOULD give it a proper go but like. i just want feedback. i want someone to talk to#god fuck im gonna do something calming or whatever#i know i sound arrogant and whatever but man.#edit: did the big girl thing and reached out to my irl friends and sent a long ranting voicenote#and ate something easy#and im feeling a bit more like i can breathe again so <333
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the government really actively violently trying to kill everyone you love all the time and most people see it as them helping
#I’m the fucking joker#gonna drink myself to death out of stress at how badly all of society wants all my friends dead for using opioids#which—-unlike alcohol—should not and need not inherently kill you!#injecting stuff compulsively might inherently kill you but it could a lot less given other conditions as well and#if medical professionals saw drug users as human beings maybe there would be helpful treatment for anyone wanting to address that!#but this is a post about the person I love most in this world needing to take god knows what stupid veterinary tranquilizer because the cops#are ‘helping’ by arresting everyone and making shit more unstable. Fuck off you are killing my neighbors and friends and loved ones#you are the cause of most of the violence and death just fucking stop
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#god. im so sorry. ive apparently dragged myself up enough that i can now be v annoying abt my problems on the internet#anyway. the thing abt me is that ppl just cant say things to me. like the casual way ppl do#like oh we should do X thing or u should do X thing. bc i just go. ok r u... r u actually saying this is a thing that has to heppen?#like??? is this someone i have to be wary of now? and if its u should do X thing i cant just let it go#like Thursday my boss was like: u should watch a movie or something this weekend bc she was telling me to chill for a sec#bc i can only imagine how fucking miserable i looked last week#and now im laying here like. i didnt watch a movie. i didnt watch a movie. i said i would and its the end of the weekend and i havent#watched a movie. but like i dont even want to watch one?#and like if u tell me to chill its like. ok so i have to not work this weekend. ok but i have all these things i have to do. but i cant do#them bc i have to chill. so i get stuck in this agony loop where im just laying here paralyzed#which ive basically been doing for the past 2hrs. like i have so much to do. but i have to relax but also i have personal projects that#need to get done. and if i just lay here it counts as relaxing right? despite the fact im spiralling#i just cant focus. i vascilate too much between too many tasks and therefore accomplish nothing#so did i relax this weekend? well i didnt get much done so fml#ugh. its so annoying. im just so bored. maybe i should just sleep#i dont think ive been sleeping well. ugh. i dont understand how ppl can just like shut off the part of their brain that goes#ding! u have a task to do. ding! u have a task to do. ding! ur wasting time. ding! just imagine everything u could be getting done!#and i have to work thru Thanksgiving and i might not get that much time off at Christmas bc theres a project that keeps getting pushed back#my boss is moving schools January 1 but she really wants to b there for this project thats gonna kill me so like maybe we could squeeze it#in before Christmas? maybe? if i dont take a fucking break. which is stupid bc its my choice i literally dont have to but i cant just#forget that she wants to see it so whatever. ive been such a fuck up recently that i feel like i should make it up somehow#but thats stupid bc i should just take a long break bc im v obviously not doing well. but at this point idk if that would fix anything#i just need to leave. but rationally i should stay until next August bc money. but god at what cost#ugh y have i dont this to myself? last year around this time i was doing 10hr days 6 days a week on part time pay. and now im like hm y am#i all used up now? why am i so bitter? bc actions have consequences mate#sigh... so annoying#unrelated
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emailed back and forth w this contact at a company we’re working with and it took her 5 emails to actually spell my name right. love that for me
#hilariously it was after i made my name in my signature 1 font size bigger#so idk if that did it or what#i never feel like correcting vendors bc typically it’s not often#but i swear to fucking god it’s like every 3rd email i get my name is spelled wrong#it’s literally in my email address AND the signature (multiple times) AND a lot of times i introduce myself too#SPELL IT RIGHT IT’S BASIC RESPECT HELLO????#i ALWAYS check if i spell the person’s name right before i send an email#bc this shit happens to me CONSTANTLY#i should be immune but i’m just. not#getting it wrong once - MAYBE twice - i get.#but 5 times?????? it really is disrespect at that point#altho that woman also demonstrated a lack of reading abt something else so i guess i shouldn’t be surprised#it just pissed me off when it’s RIGHT in front of peoples faces and they STILL spell it wrong#part of me doesn’t want to let it go either bc. that’s my name.#i have a right to want people to spell it correctly actually?#b:personal#text post
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