#first actual real writing post gahhh
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𝐂’𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐏𝐔𝐏𝐏𝐘!
cw: dog!reader (as in ears and tail) , ruts / heat , SMUT , written with AFAB reader in mind but no established genitalia or gendered pronouns/words regarding reader, slightttt corruption kink? if u squint, dom dazai, sub reader, obvi MDNI
just imagining being dazai’s puppydog coworker and oh is he so mean.
dazai, who teases you relentlessly at work, playing with your ears and messing with your tail till you turn around and start scolding him only for him to say he only hears barking right now
dazai, who riles you up on purpose just to hear you slightly growl at him but not miss a chance to poke fun at you for your tail giving you away by wagging it ! he takes it just as a sign of excitement and endearment
dazai, who leans down really close to your ears and whispers the most suggestive sentences ever to watch you freeze and squirm slightly but then pull back like he said nothing
dazai, who learns about your rut / heat cycles through “accidentally” eavesdropping on yosano speaking to you about them and how she might not have the meds to suppress them in time
dazai, who jumpstarts your rut / heat cycle early just because of this ! He amps up the teasing and flirty words and he watches how you squirm under any of his touches, how you breathe a little more heavy when he’s near, how you keep having your eyes wander to him. how they keep trailing from his eyes, to his neck, to his hands and sometimes his crotch
dazai, who watches you excuse yourself from work in a hurry much to the office’s surprise ! he offers to go check in on you like the good coworker and friend he is
dazai, who stands in front of your door with his ear pressed up against it. hearing you whine out desperately, and judging by the sounds of moving fabric, he assumes you’re humping a pillow. his hand wraps around the door knob and twists it, knowing that you were distracted and knowing that you forgot to lock the door
dazai, who knocks on the door and asks you if you’re alright which makes your hips stutter slightly. you try to tell him that you’re alright and that you just need some time to rest
dazai, who enters your apartment and sees you on the couch with your knees sinking into the cushions as you rut against the pillow. your tail was wagging and your ears were twitching
dazai, who helps you through your rut / heat like a good coworker and friend <3
“Oh f-fuck ! i-i’m sorry dazai—” You tried to apologize, your head was too dazed to even think properly but you were too focused on catching your pleasure. You figured you’d catch embarrassment pretty soon regardless, you couldn’t even continue to look him in the eye after turning your head around to see him.
“Now isn’t that a sight to see… My, it must be my birthday because this feels like a gift more than anything.” He cooed out loud, shutting the door behind him and locking it. Though, the idea of leaving it unlocked and having the possibility of a person walking in did leave him tempted.
He walked over behind you, his hands firmly stopping your hips abruptly. The feeling of his touch felt cold compared to the heat you were feeling. You had stripped yourself bare, only leaving your underwear on, soaked with slick. You let out a whimper at this action, lowering your head in defeat and embarrassment with your hands in front of the cushion to support you. Your tail kept thumping against the couch.
“Poor little puppy…” He chuckled, one of his hands traveled up your body before brushing your shoulder and then lifting your chin up to look at him with a gentle force. He couldn’t rough you up just yet. “Look at you, your skin feels so warm. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve assumed you were sick-“
“Dazai…” You whined, blinking slowly. God how you wanted him to fuck you right now. Treating you like a little toy, pressing your face down into the mattress while pounding into you. The ache between your legs was fucking unbearable, everything felt too hot and he was the only source of coldness.
“You want me to help you?”
Those words felt like cold water splashed to your face. Your eyes widen in eagerness and your body heats up more with shame and arousal. A smirk tugs at his lips, seeing even your ears perking up at this offer. You were too cute for him to handle.
“I-I’ve never…done it before.” You admitted, and he swore his heart was about to cave in. You really were too cute for him to handle. Regardless of whether or not you’ve slept with someone, it didn’t matter to him. But the thought of him being the first and only one to make you mess?
His hardened cock strained against his pants uncomfortably even more now.
“And yet you’re humping a pillow like you’ve fucked yourself on a dick before.” The brunette teased, looking closely as you get shy.
“Why don’t you tell me everything you’ve been thinking about when you looked at me today? Trust me, I could tell.” Dazai grinned, his hand trailing down to your neck and rubbing the skin beneath his thumb. He leaned down closer.
“I guess I have to take responsibility for putting you in this predicament in the first place… so just tell me everything you’ve thought of me doing to you ‘kay? And I promise I’ll be better than what you imagined, oh-
—and keep your pretty eyes on me pup.”
#dividers by : @/cafekitsune#. . . words of the crimson moon —✫・゜・。.#bsd smut#bsd x reader#dazai smut#dazai x reader#bungo stray dogs x reader#bungo stray dogs smut#ヾ(。＞＜)シ i hope im writing dazai at least decently#hes one of my fav characters so !!#first actual real writing post gahhh
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Okayokay back for another! 🖊 Maurus the Monstrous
Oooooh boy you’re gonna want to sit down
Gah. Okay. Let’s start with physical description. Since Felicity is based off the sun, it’s kinda obvious that he’s based off the moon. Pale skin, blue ocean eyes, dark hair. This is a big factor in why he’s perceived as a villain— he looks like one. Felicity and (name redacted) look very different from the rest of the villagers, but Felicity is someone they know and trust. He is a stranger. Therefore, he must be bad. (Totally not my experience with being an immigrant in a place full of people who look nothing like me factoring into this)
He actually is a lot more sensitive than he seems. Gahhh, I’d love to tell you so much, but that verges into spoiler territory. Since the book is mainly from Felicity’s perspective, he seems to grow a lot character wise but it really is just about perception. He never actually changes, he just feels more comfortable with showing his true personality. I got a lot of response from my irl beta readers about how “aloof and snarky” he was. In case you haven’t figured it out yet... he’s very much not that. It’s a type of inadvertent barrier to keep himself from getting attached to Felicity.
Oh, fun fact I didn’t get to write as much as I would like! He’s vegetarian! Yeah, I know it would be slightly impractical considering the time period, but he hasn’t had any official cooking teaching, which means he’s figured out how to cook enough to sustain himself without killing any animals. He actually has a type of stable in the backyard where he takes care of animals he encounters hurt in the woods or abandoned (sound familiar?) and you had best believe he names them and talks to them like real people.
So, Maurus the Monstrous does have an actual name. I promise, he does and I put a lot of thought into it. However, names are a big part of the story. It holds power. It’s worth noting that in a deleted scene, one of the first things he did when he saw Felicity was give her a nickname, a special name that he uses instead of keeping her nameless and faceless. (Which he has not done for any of the previous “sword holders” who didn’t last long against him) Yes, they were fighting and trying to hurt each other. Yes, they were way too young to be handling weapons that could kill people. I’m totally happy to discuss the importance of names when the time for that chapter comes!
He has a whole lot of mental issues. Like, a lot. I based it off my own feelings and diagnosis of anxiety, but blown out of proportion to suit a character who has been isolated their whole lives and is really just starved for human companionship. I wrote a lot of mental breakdowns as a way to cope with what I’m dealing with. I’ll mark those chapters as potentially triggering just in case. If anyone notices something that’s not quite right, feel free to point it out to me so I can fix it!
...yeah, I have a lot of lore behind the individual characters and I really wish I could have shown more of the scenes I had to cut because they just didn’t fit with what I had. Might post them someday, who knows?
Well, that was fun! Feel free to do this again @mistyw273 or anyone else who wants to, especially if you have any specific questions or want a pt. 2 on character lore!
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When was the last time you wanted to wear something but it was still ‘in the wash’ or ‘not yet dried’?
I wanted to wear my Baby Yoda/Grogu Christmas sweatshirt on Christmas, but it didn’t end up getting washed.
Any new subjects for the upcoming school year?
I’m not in school anymore.
Last time you got a haircut?
Back in February of last year. Almost a year ago now.
Have you ever rode Business Class?
No.
Paris, Texas or Paris, France?
Paris, France, please.
How much time/percentage is left on your laptop battery?
It’s at 100% because it’s plugged in.
Do you like to know how things are made?
Yeah, a lot of it is interesting.
Care to post the most recent tagged picture of you on Facebook?
No.
HAVE YOU WATCHED BRUNO YET!?
I saw the first one. I don���t have any interest in seeing the new one.
Is there any song that’s stuck in your head?
Not at the moment.
What does your school bag look like?
--
Is it anyone’s birthday today?
I’m sure it’s a lot of people’s birthday today, but no one I know.
With your guy friends, are you known as a girl or a buddy?
I don’t have any friends.
Do you own a foam finger?
No.
Where was the last place you dined in with your friends?
It’s been a few years since the last time I did that, so I don’t recall. Yes, I actually used to have friends and I actually used to go out. *gasp*
Name all the websites on your bookmark toolbar here!
Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, and Pinterest.
Have you actually ever eaten a wedding cake?
Yes.
Gotcher back to school outfit yet? Or do you just don’t care?
--
Do you get email updates from Urban Dictionary?
No.
Do you think some babies are ugly?
Aw, that’s mean.
Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese?
Aw, those were fun times as a kid.
Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC?
I don’t know.
Do you love stuff crusted pizza?
I don’t eat the crusts, so.
Is Lil Wayne all that he’s cracked up to be?
I like some his features and songs.
Who are you usually attracted to in bands, the singer, the guitarist, bassist, or drummer?
I wasn’t attracted to many band guys, honestly.
Do you apply lotion after you bathe?
No. I should.
What’s your favorite color?
Pastels, rose gold, mint green, coral, and yellow.
Who did you have your most amazing kiss with?
Joseph.
Have you ever hugged a stranger?
No.
What’s a random act of kindness you have done to help a stranger?
I’ve given money to homeless people.
Has a Youtube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views?
Ha, no.
What’s a fear you’ve conquered?
Hmm. I don’t know.
Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute?
Yeah.
Have you ever received a homemade card from someone?
Yes.
Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone?
No.
Do you like Robert Frost poems?
I only know one.
Do you go to church every Sunday?
Yes. I attend via livestream.
Ever had a drunken night in Mexico or Las Vegas?
Nope.
Have you ever been to Arkansas?
No.
Where would you go on a road trip with your best friend?
There’s so many places I’d love to travel to.
Do you know anyone with Harry Potter glasses?
Growing up I had the round frames.
Longest you’ve ever stayed on the phone?
Houuuurs. I used to talk to my best friends in elementary and middle school on the phone for-fucking-EVER. I’m not sure of the longest bit of time though. <<< Haha, I actually used to do that, too, which is so shocking because I hate talking on the phone now. I kinda did that in high school the first two years a few times, but after that something switched and I never wanted to talk on the phone. It became just text me or message me online.
Have you ever been in a relationship on and off for more than a year?
Joseph and I, whatever it was we had going on, was off and on for a few years. We never were officially together, but we had something going on and it would seem it was going in that direction but then nope.
What about just for a year straight?
Like I said, it went on for 3 years.
Do gangs scare you?
I mean, yeah...
Have you met a best friend on a cruise before?
I’ve never been on a cruise.
How many high schools are in your city/town?
Like 4.
If offered, would you want to go to fashion week in Paris?
Can I just have the trip to Paris?
If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling?
Writing.
What are your thoughts on fake reality television?
I’m a sucker for reality TV. *shrug*
Would you want to own your own island?
Nah. I’m good with my Animal Crossing Island lol. <<< Ha, same.
Who killed John Bennet Ramsey?
Her brother is kinda sus. I could see it being a situation where the family covered up for him because he was just a child. Or, perhaps one of the parents. Again, it being an accidental situation and they just covered it up.
What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public?
I don’t think about it.
Do you even like politics?
I don’t like it, but I try to follow it at least somewhat because it is important and affects all of us. It’s stressful and overwhelming and confusing, though, so I don’t follow it as closely as maybe I should.
Have you ever seen a guy wearing hoop or dangling earrings?
Yeah.
What’s it like at raves?
I’ve never been. I’ve never had any desire to go to one.
Do you do a nice Scottish accent?
I can’t do any accents.
Do you think that all people in England have really bad teeth?
No? That’s an awful stereotype.
What is your state nickname (The Golden State, The Cheese State, etc)?
The Golden State.
Would you rather lose your best friend or your boyfriend?
I’d rather not lose anyone in my life, thanks.
Do you think people who pay hundreds of dollars on perfume are ridiculous?
Spend your money on what you want, but I don’t spend that much on perfume. I think it’s crazy how expensive they can be.
What is the last thing you tried on in a store?
A jacket. That’s the only thing I ever try on because I can easily just put it on real quick right there and it doesn’t require much. I never try on clothes or anything otherwise.
Do you know who Georgia Nicholson is?
Nope.
Do you ever sleep through your alarm?
It happens. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened for anything important in a long time, but I sometimes set alarms when I don’t want to sleep in too late or I want to try and get up by a certain time for whatever reason and oftentimes I just end up hitting snooze or turning it off.
What is the dominant color in the room you’re in?
There’s a lot of colors going on.
Do you think Sophia Bush is a good actress?
I’ve only seen her in a couple things, I think.
When did you realize you are no longer a child?
I’m not sure if it was one specific moment.
Is sleeping naked more comfortable then in clothes?
Noo, not for me. I don’t feel comfortable naked.
Does your best friend wear makeup?
Yeah.
Who is someone you do not understand at all?
Myself.
What is your morning routine?
When I get up, I take my medicine and lie around for awhile checking social media and whatnot before finally dragging myself outta bed for coffee.
Have you already met your true love?
No.
Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone?
Yeah.
Do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship?
I would want to try and work on things first. I wouldn’t just end a relationship right away because we had a problem. Now, if we had a lot of problems and nothing was getting resolved or it just wasn’t working out even after trying to work on things, then it would be time to end the relationship. But you’re going to experience problems in a relationship, you can’t expect not to. It’s how you go about them.
Have you ever accidentally stepped on a cat tail?
Not a cat, but a dog. I always feel like the worst person in the world whenever I’ve accidentally done that with their tail or paw. Gahhh. And my doggo (and my previous doggos) acts like she did something wrong and snuggles up next to me and is all lovey and it’s like, ‘nooo, I’m the evil one here you didn’t do anything wrong you precious angel!’
Did they meow really loud?
They let out a yelp.
Do you ever go to Plyrics.com?
I’m sure that was one of the sites I used back in the day for lyrics. Nowadays I just quickly Google a song and the lyrics pop right up.
Did you know that when a worm is cut in two both pieces grow again and continue living?
Jlkfjkdfjl ew yes I’ve heard that. That gives me the creeps just thinking about it, thanks for ending on that note....
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so here I am for old times sake. it’s been 5 years and a lot has changed. but i’m kinda still the same. maybe my inner monologue doesn’t sound as self-assured as it did when I was 15. maybe i don’t romanticise the shit out of every 2 second eye contact i make with cute strangers. maybe i don’t grammar well anymore because i think it’s a cute look. Oh wow. so much of the world has changed. facial recognition, instagram shops, the pandemic... so many new songs i play on repeat until i’m sick of them. i’m a lot less motivated than i was before, and i’m ashamed to admit that. i have smile lines. i feel more and more defeated everyday (actually, we’re trying to work on this). but yh the sad emo vibes never quite dissipated like i dreamed they would, i felt so betrayed by the order of things and the way of the world that i lost a lot of hope. gave up on myself (a bit... a lot sometimes). but other times, it’s gucci. i feel like i’m definitely more cringe than cheesy now. not sure if that’s a good thing, pretty sure it’s not.
hmm. what hasn’t changed? still unfortunately in love with love, but i can mostly see the difference between real life and the cute shit that happens in my head. i’m learning to have faith, to trust. to start living life and exist in the same dimension as other people because even though it sucks, it’s better than existing alone in your head. i realised that studying will only get you a quarter of the way to things and unfortunately stopped that shit. it wasn’t a good idea because i didn’t pick anything else up. i’m still writing songs. still singing them badly. BUT my singing has improved marginally:) i still love my parents, family is all good (touch wood). still a bit too impressionable but we’re working on building a stronger willpower and independence. still love taylor swift. still want to run away to the creative industry. still want to runaway sometimes (in general). I still write! sometimes. wow, i guess some things really just don’t change.
The good? Hmm my eyes have been opened to the multi-dimensions of wealth and inequality and cultural differences that exist in the world. I am thankful for that and didn’t know that money could buy so much. but simultaneously feel disheartened that the discrepancy is so large between people at birth. inequity is real and idk how i feel about that because i really believed in the natural justice system. and then I was so caught up in these feelings of betrayal and injustice that i forgot that i am lucky enough to have the opportunity to change things. I forgot about it for 5 years and now it feels like it’s too late. i know it’s not.
that was a digression.
the good. okay. hmm discovered korean dramas and the mastery that is cinema and how it evokes emotions through stories and idk that’s just a piece of my soul coming together. i work out occasionally. sadly i stopped dance but i’m vowing to sign up for classes once i have the money. i got a spotify membership and spend my days making playlists for myself and it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I really hate how my inner core is so soft and romantic, it’s not fit for the capitalist society that we’re living under. i have friends, i like them, they like me. there is a guy, maybe. there were a few guys actually. i’m not sure how long this one is going to be around for GAHHH omg imagine if i re-read this in five years time and i’m laughing at myself because he screwed me over so bad idk. i have bad self-esteem issues. i am kinda joking, kinda not. okay, i like him but let’s move onto another topic. i’m trying my best to adult and be honest with my feelings and approach things with feigned maturity to mask my pre-teen thoughts. let’s leave it at that:)
i remember that taylor said that the lucky one was the hardest song to write for the red album. because it was solely about her and her life. no guys (apart from the second verse but okay that’s not central to the song). it’s the same for me. i don’t want to talk about the direction of my professional life because it scares me more than messing my life up romantically. for now, i’m beginning to see the role of passion and interest in work and it’s importance. I’m trying my best to walk towards that direction because i know that ultimately i want a career that I would love to work overtime for. but i’m still trying to balance the scales between what i want and the confinements of reality. i need to make money. sometimes it feels like an either or kind of situation and i don’t know what to do. but maybe this is just standard 20 year old thoughts. okay but we have 2 months left of uni so i’m going back to studying. i hope that when i look back on this i would have a 2:1 bachelors (but let’s be honest we want a first)
some final thoughts for 25 year old me because why not make your tumblr a time-capsule? dodie-style.
what are you listening to right now? I’m listening to 21 by gracie. Are you seeing anyone? Honestly, I don’t see you in a steady relationship because i feel like your self-esteem will get in the way of things - either that or you get your shit together and focus on your career too much. I hope it’s the latter. I hope family is all well and healthy. call them. right now, if you’re not living with them. DEAR GOD PLS don’t still be living with them. OH GOD DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FLAT/HOUSE?? where are you by the way? london? what are you doing right now career-wise? how’s it going? is it what you want to do? does it fit in with your life plan? please tell me you have a life plan by now. i hope i’m proud of you. i hope you’re working hard. how are you? really? are you rich enough to afford therapy and weekly spin/pilates sessions? what’s up with your social circle? are you still writing? ARE THERE DRONES EVERYwhere? How’s chloe? Elizabeth? Jason? Update me, what happened with the guy - i want to hear a story. do you cook now? did you manage to turn your personality type from a 2/9 enneagram to a 3? bitch we gonna work on this. do you still write songs? can you sing? you don’t have kids right lmao pls no god help us. what’s your yearly salary post-tax? did you start dancing again? did you start to learn piano again? what happened with the pandemic? how long were you quarantined for? do you still make spotify playlists haha? what tv series are you currently binging? do you hate me? please tell me your still blogging ur life on ur private instagram. how many followers do you have now? who are you having conversations right now with on facebook? what are your colleagues like? are you less people orientated now that you’ve realised that they cannot provide you with the love that you are depriving yourself of from yourself? DO YOU READ? are you the perfect health-freak, ig-girl, smart business woman, go-getter in her white suit at the glass media company that you dreamed about being at those dark spin sessions? GOD IMAGINE. I hope you are but i don’t have faith right now. pls tell me you don’t teach (or you teach and ur salary is insane in a good way). are you a journalist? you didn’t go into consulting right? did you study again after uni? are you the screenwriter that you’ve dreamed about? did your poetry account blow up and now you’re a full time poet? I still kinda hope you work at a nice glass office (brand consulting, advertising, media, journalism) and wear cute coords suits to work. and i hope you’re writing on the side because it’s who you are. I hope you’re reading lots and I hope you’re super smart and switched on. I hope you’re memory has improved a lot. I hope you’re in love, I hope he loves you back and I hope you know that too. I hope you have a great and healthy relationship with your parents and see your extended family and grandparents often. I hope everyone is healthy and I hope you took your parents to duck and waffle like you wanted (don’t do it when you’re poor though). I hope you’re taking care of your health and eating well. I hope you’re still dreaming in a realistic way. I hope you have great mentors and a supportive friend group. I hope you’re living your best life. re-read the defining decade. but i hope you don’t reminisce to much anymore and don’t write too many songs because you’re 25, time to break out the novel shit. I hope you’ve travelled alot. I hope you spend a few more summers in china falling in love with life and yourself again. how is your chinese? are you still a romantic? tell me, have you changed, if at all? do you read the news? are you less cynical about yourself and more realistic or less optimistc about the world? I hope you are. contingencies are important.
are you excited for the future? I hope you are. if not, please change, you have time, all you need is faith and diligence. hope you’re holding up well. Me? at 20? I’m excited about what my 25 year old self is going to be like, like i was excited to see what my gcse results were going to be like. I hope the results are the same. work hard. i love you. hope you love yourself more. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. have faith. :) i can’t do much for you, but i hope i did a lot to get to where you are right now. hoping is useless, i’m going to work now.
take care x
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All for Seokjin, Part 2 (Final)
posted on wattpad and this tumblr only.
All for Seokjin part 1, Part 2(Final)
Your attempt to get with Seokjin. college au. Seokjin X Reader.
word count: ~4.5k
W: writing may not be perfect!, but i hope you enjoy it :)
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Yes, it’s true. Here you are in the passenger seat while Seokjin drives you to the forest.
You felt like a princess when you took his hand in front of all those people. Seokjin squeezed your hand before scurrying off gleefully to pack a second backpack for you.
You heard snickers in the room, so you quickly dropped your hand to the side when you came back to reality. You stood there for a moment fighting the urge to hug your hand and caress it onto your face.
The room was silent until Yoongi spoke up. Being the one who invited you, he felt responsible for you.
“Hey __-“ He began
But you quickly cut him off not wanting anyone to destroy this perfect (and ridiculous) opportunity.
“This is such a great opportunity for me” You plastered on a grand smile on your face. “I’m so happy”
You didn’t bother to sweep the room knowing they were probably giving you looks that will crush the courage you had in you. You did however hear Taehyung laugh saying, “It’s like a dreams come true!”.
Thankfully Seokjin came out carrying two backpacks. “Here” he said panting, “ the supplies you’ll need are all right there”.
Scoffs, snickers, laughter, whispers, and every other noise that a pack of young adults and a high schooler could do in times of amusement and pity were heard.
And out the door you went with him. You placed the bag on the back seats of his black pickup truck. Expecting him to be watching you, you gracefully sat yourself on the seat and bucked your seatbelt as you imagined a swan would. You turned your head towards him with a small smile.
Even if this “activity” was odd you still had to use this opportunity and milk it for all its worth.
However, Seokjin was happily munching away on a granola bar as he scrolled through his phone.
You felt the vibrations of your phone in your back pocket. Already knowing it was probably everyone telling you to go back, you decided to put your phone. You didn’t need any distractions. You did however pit your location on, you know just in case.
“Alright’’, he said loudly not caring that it was close to midnight by now, “Let’s get going…” he stopped and eyed you warily as you gave him your coy smile”… partner” he hesitated.
Wow, partner? What does that mean? Is that a “Howdy Partner!” or a love partner. Nonetheless you knew you had to respond before you both end up in an awkward silence.
“Yes Seokjin…or err partner” you repeated his nickname and watched as he blushed turning his head. Yeah you did that. You smiled proudly at yourself and counted to ramble on about your interest in extraterrestrial life. Earning a chuckle or two when you mentioned how you first begin your interest after watching History’s channel, Ancient Aliens. He laughed and shook his head as if indicating what an amateur and naïve beginners’ step that was. You continued your monologue and spoke of how you wished they were nice and would teach humanity and help us in advancement. At this Seokjin also laughed and looked at you with a smile on his face.
Were these good signs? you thought to yourself. So you continued to ramble on about peace and prosperity.
Once you’ve both got off the highway and started to drive towards broken paved roads with no streetlights you began to feel uneasy. The darkens suddenly scared you a little. Once you took a breath from your rambling you realized you didn’t even let him say anything besides, “really” and “oh”.
“You know… partner” Seokjin begin eyeing you as he started to slow down on the uneven road path headered towards the forest. “Once we enter the forest you can’t talk anymore. Only speak if It’s necessary, okay?”.
“Okay”, You replied robotically wanting to kick yourself for going off on a nervous rambling. You hoped he didn’t think of you as a narcissist alien amateur.
“How about you?” you asked him in a way to save yourself.
“Me?” Seokjin laughed, “that’s a long story”. He titled his head to the said keeping a smile on his face. You expected him to say more as you continued to stare at him expectantly.
He turned to you Feeling your stare, he turned to you seeing your fixation no his elongated arms on the steering wheel.
Ooh um” he coughed bring your eyes to his face. Seokjin looked back to the road.
“Yes, it’s actually a traumatic experience. I don’t like to talk about it”.
“Oh, oh, yeah, right, you don’t have to tell me” you reassured him. Poor baby.
Seokjin sighed, “Well its more so, I don’t want anyone to deny my experience”.
You looked at him waiting for more.
“People are always trying to write it off that it was something else like sleep paralysis or I don’t know”.
You blinked at him. He peeked at your curious expression.
So, he quickly let out his story that was in fact not long.
“I came out here to camp with my family about 3 years ago. During the night I woke up and I was surrounded by people only they weren’t people. They were aliens, I know it.” his grip tightened on the steering wheel. If it was on any other occasion you knew you would find it extremely hot.
“I want back to sleep or unconsciousness” he continued “and when I woke up, I was back in my tent with my older brother sleeping next to me. It was early morning the sun was just coming out. I couldn’t get up until he woke up. I was scared, honestly, I begged my family for us to go and I told them. They didn’t believe it of course but we left. After that I started my search and research. I know it’s real, but it’s scary. What were they doing to me?”
You didn’t know what to say to him, so you opted with “why are you looking for them?”
“I don’t know…because I’m an idiot, because I’m trying to get over my fear, or maybe its cause I’m trying to prove to myself that it was real” he softly said.
Poor baby.
Poor sweet baby.
He was in a turmoil. And here you are admiring his long eyelashes and pink plushed lips. Do you really deserve him? Yes, you can be supportive.
“You probably think I’m crazy” he turned his head and giving you a hopeless smile. The car stopped.
“Seokjin I don’t know if what you experienced was real or not, I can’t tell you that, but I’ll be here by your side”.
“Thanks partner” he said patting your head.
Your heart fluttered as you felt the palm of his hand pat your head. You felt yourself melt into his touch.
“Let’s go, yeah?” he whispered.
“eah” you reposed in the same tone hoping to keep the seductive and vulnerable vibe going.
“WHOOO” Seokjin suddenly shouted making you jump in your seat.
“LET’S GO” he practically kicked his car door opened and jumped off the truck headed towards the side door to retrieve both your backpacks.
You remained in your seat stunted by the shout and deflated by the disappointment of no romance.
Who knew this guy was dramatic.
“So Seokjin” you said removing your seatbelt. You turned your head around to watch as he draped the backpacks over his body. Aww was he going to carry yours. “what are in those?”
His head shot up, “Just supplies” he mumbled.
“Like what?” you may be in love, but you are no fool.
“You know the essentials’” he shrugged. Noticing that you made no attempt to move he sighed. “Fine”.
He removed both bags and placed them back on the seat. He unzipped the bag and you saw its contents.
Food.
Well not all food but the majority were snacks. You almost gasped with the variety of them.
“this is all food” you stated with wide eyes.
“No” Seokjin defended himself as his ears become red “ there’s also other stuff here, see?” he moved the boxes and plastic wrappers to the side, showing you a blanket, heat packets, flashlights, water, and a laptop.
“That’s it.” you responded. You don’t know what you were expecting, but a knife maybe, probably some expensive tech you never heard about.
“what about the other one?” you asked.
“It’s the same thing” he said “ but if you must look” he unzipped it to reveal more snacks. He twirled the food around and revealed to you a blanket that had alpacas on it, more hot packets, and headphones.
At this you laughed. He was so cute. Seokjin only blushed more.
“Yah, get off now let’s go”.
You came around to his side and found both bags on him.
“Do you want some help?” you asked him.
“I got it” he winked.
He winked at you that’s two times this night.
“So how long do these take” you asked following close behind him.
“I’m only out here for an hour or so”.
You both started walking down the marked trail. Remembering his rules of no talking you reminded silent. Refraining yourself from asking him about the essence of who Seokjin is?
Seokjin walked casually down the trail ever so often picking up pace when he heard a noise or rustle from a bush. He then suddenly turned left, walking off the trail. Surprised and slightly worried you quickly jogged behind him grabbing a hold of his arm.
“Hey Seok-“
“GAHHH” he yelled pulling back from you.
You stared at him wide eyes.
“I’m sorry are you okay”
“You sacred me” he said a hand to his chest looking at you as if you are in the wrong.
“I’m sorry” you repeated. “did you forget I was here?”
“No, no, what” he slurred out his words at a rush to save himself. “Of course, not” he looked away from you “I may be kind of afraid” he confessed “this scary stuff kind of scares me”. He smiled shily at you.
Huh, then how does he do these routinely alien hunting?
As if reading the question on your face he confessed “I usually just get out for a bit until I get too freaked out then I run back to my truck and just wait it out there”.
You looked at him. “OH, right”.
“Sorry” Seokjin said “I’m not that great, huh”. He placed both his hands in his pockets. “I didn’t turn out to be who you thought I was, did I?”
At this you felt blindsided. Who did he think you thought he was? Did he know? Did he catch on to your mini stalker lifestyle and feelings towards him?
“I-I” you gulped like a fish.
He sighed, “not the great handsome alien hunter you expected”.
He took your silence as a cue to begin a monologue.
“I know with my handsome face, that people expect me to become an actor a model- which is what I’m studying for, on the dean’s list and already have been in every production crated by our university and the small theathre in town. I’ve been stopped by so many entertainment agencies. But regardless of that, I-“
Before he could ruin anymore of the image you created of him in your mind you lifted a finger to his lips “Seokjin shhh, be quiet”.
With your finger on his lips seokjin felt the pad linger and slowly drift downwards pulling apart his lips as you arm lost strength. You felt your courage diminish as you felt the smoothness of his plush lips. Lush. Fluff. These are the lips, the face, the puppy eyes that you’ve dreamt about for years.
“Partner” he tried to whisper as your finger still lingered on his lip.
You shuffled closer to Seokjin until you were almost chest to chest. You let your finger trace the outline of his lip. Resting your hand to cup his face.
Your heart was calm. You always imagined your heart to be racing one hundred miles per hour in the moment that you were to kiss Seokjin. You also didn’t expect to be off in the forest somewhere at 12 am looking for aliens. But your heart was calm you felt at peace as if this is where you were supposed to be. In this moment you were focused on Seokjin and Seokjin only. Trying to figure out how his skin feels so smooth and moisturized under your palm. You stared fixed into his eyes. He stared right back.
Soekjin leaned in closer to you as you slowly titled your head up.
You can’t believe your about to kiss him. Is this real life? Is this a dream? How did this even happen?
You felt the warmth of his body all over you and his quick breath (which by the way smelled of mint, is there anything wrong with him?) fawn on your face in a graceful wave of blessings.
You didn’t want to close your eyes, but he did, so you didn’t want to be that wiredo who kept them open. You didn’t know when you’ll have a chance to be this close to him. As you fluttered your eyes and where looming over each other’s lips, you felt Seokjin finally wrap his arms around your waist.
Wow.
This was the moment. Your kiss with Seokjin. And given the fact that he grabbed you would indict that he also wanted to kiss you. All those years of pinning after him. Your plan to befriend his friends to become closer to him all have worked out. It all happened so fast. You thought it’ll be months before you would be in this position, but you wouldn’t change it for a thing. Not when it presented itself before you in the chilly night with the moons light as your backdrop. If kissing him took about a week, imagine marrying him. Within a month you’ll be his wife!
This is it. This is what true love stories, fairytales, miracles, and all of the above are made of.
This moment with him.
With Seokjin, this handsome film and acting student and self-proclaimed alien hunter.
Seokj-
BEEEEEEP! BEEEP BEEP BEEP! WOOOP WOOP!
You both jumped away from each other’s arms. Seokjin yelled once again from the loud sound.
You were in such a shock yourself. You didn’t even have a second to consider blowing your head off for the missed opportunity to kiss Seokjin.
What the hell was going on?
Who dared interrupt your perfect moment.
At this point, fueled by Seokjins yells and trembling body, you grabbed his arm with such ferocity to hid behind some bushes you saw on your right.
Your eyes saw red. You felt absolute rage. Your heaven soon turned into a darkens that angered you. The moonlight now mocked your hopeless attempt.
“H-hey….partner” you finally heard the shaking boy whisper next to you. You turned to look at him. Upon seeing his shaking from and fearful face you pitied him. You placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him.
“Do-yo-you think it’s the aliens?” he asked you with his wide eyes. The eyes that hold his soul.
“I don’t know” you said truthfully. Honestly what was that notice? Was it aliens? You were not ready to face aliens.
“Oh my” Seokjin muttered to himself upon seeing the color drain from your face.
You really hoped it wasn’t, but you remembered your mission was to capture aliens for him.
“Do you want to go see? I think the sound came from over there” you pointed to the direction. Both your heads turned to the sight. Suddenly a mixture of green and purple colors shone from between the trees. Before Seokjin could start yelling again you quickly clamped a hand over his face to muffle the yells that were inevitable going to come out. Seeing that he was frozen in his spot. You shakily reached for the phone in your pocket and began to record.
You almost dropped your phone upon seeing the screen of your phone. The lights were not being captured!
But when you looked up the green and purple were still there.
“Seokjin…Seokjin”, you grabbed onto his arm, “we need to get out of here”
You showed him your phone and the lack of green and purple colors showcasing from the screen.
You watched as Seokjins face morphed into fear.
He grabbed your arm and dragged you back to where he assumed was the trials which had to be opposite from the light source.
It wasn’t. After running plenty away, you both were panting out of breath. You looked at the damage which were your shoes that were filled of dirt and twigs and who knows what else.
“Are you okay?’ he asked you flipping his hair in a way that shouldn’t be considered sexy in this crisis.
“Yeah” you replied looking back “do you think we’re far away?”
“I hope so”
“Do you know where we are?”
“No” he admitted.
You looked at your phone.
“It’s okay, my location still connects”, you said before he could beat himself up even more , “We can get out” you said more to yourself. You started to follow the compass on your maps app trying to find a way out.
Panic must have been shown on your face as Seokjin quickly stopped you from turning your head around and out of your body.
“Let me try, I know the trials of this place” he zoomed into the maps to reveal the trial names.
“Ahh”, he said, “ there. Follow me”.
“Wait”, you called out to him, “give me the bags”
He looked at you with that cute confused look. How can everything about him be so adorable.
“You’ve carried them this whole time, they must be heavy by now”.
“Oh”, he looked down blushing, “I’m okay”.
“No” you protested reaching out to the strap around his chest. At this proximity you were both simultaneously reminded of the kiss that was about to take place. Blush appearing on both your faces you quickly released your hands.
“Please” you said looking back at his face to see him looking at the ground as he played with the dirt with his shoes.
He looked up and gave you a shy smile “okay, but only for a few minutes. Then I’ll get them back”. You nodded happily. Finally, you will be able to help and assist your man.
Once you placed both backpacks around your shoulders you both started to walk towards Seokjins direction.
You gasped when you saw two red marks on both his shoulders that were caused by the backpacks.
“What’s wrong?”, he asked turning to you with fright in his eyes. He looked like he was ready to bolt.
“Nothing” you replied Shaking your head not wanting to alarm him. You’ll deal with it once you were both in the safety of the vehicle.
“I just…wow! This really is heavy”, you commented, “You’re so strong”
Seokjin turned around and laughed “thanks partner!”.
Partner. Once again that word. You started to become suspicious that maybe Seokjin forgot your name.
Are you just becoming paranoid after witnessing an event that your brain is currently in the process of hiding in the depths of your mind?
Does he know your name? You want to hear him say your name.
“Seokjin” you said once again this time walking alongside him. “where do you get partner from?” you feigned a chuckle, “haha I haven’t heard it used unironically before”
“Oh, uhh ummm” Seokijn quickly turned his head so you wouldn’t look at is face or more so that he wouldn’t see your face and feel the guilt.
You placed your hand on his arm to stop him. He halted with his body directed forward.
“Seokjin, do you know my name?”
He sighed and slumped his shoulders.
“No” he whispered, deflated.
Ouch. Humiliation and utter devastation are not strong enough words to describe your feelings at that moment. Here you were thinking Seokjin was calling you “partner” as an endearment but it’s because he forgot your name.
You retracted your hand as if burnt. It hurt.
Before you go into overdrive in your questions and begin to over think and become insecure you simply nodded and continued forward.
“Hey, I’m sorry” Seokjin said catching up to you.
“I-I just didn’t think I’ll see you again, I don’t remember….it just didn’t stick”
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
Were you not memorable? He didn’t think he’ll see you again? It didn’t stick?
You would think you would burst into tears, but it felt as if you were pinched back into reality.
You continued walking feeling the anger building inside of you. You didn’t know where you were going, but at this point you didn’t care. You just wanted to get away.
Cursing at yourself you realized you should of just played it cool and not shown how upset you were about it. But it was embarrassing how you took every opportunity to say his name, even to the point of over doing it.
Seokjin walked behind you like a scolded puppy, but you didn’t care you were tired and felt pathetic.
Well at least he had some sense to remain silent. He would occasionally tell you “left” or “right” to direct you out of the forest. Upon reaching the clearing and seeing his truck you abruptly snatched your phone from his hands and stomped to the passenger side. Waiting for him to open it. With another defeated sigh he unlocked the doors and climbed in. You threw the bags to the back waiting for the drive to begin.
You knew you were being rude, but what’s the point, he already indirectly rejected you. (insert sad face).
What you thought could be gold ended up being fool’s gold.
…But wait a minute you thought as you started to go through the day’s events trying to locate the red flags…
“YOU WERE GOING TO KISS ME”. You shouted. Once again giving Seokjin perhaps his 15 scare that night.
You turned to him, glaring at him.
“You were gonna kiss me and you didn’t know my name, because it didn’t stick or was is because you didn’t think you’ll see me again?”
“No, I-I- uhh”
“Oh, I see. You’re a hit it and quit it, got it”.
“No , no, no” Seokjin tried to defend himself as you accuse his gentlemen manners.
He stole glances at your fuming form that was still glaring into him.
“It’s not like that, I just didn’t remember”
You still stayed glaring at his pretty head, damn him for still looking undeniably attractive and cute.
“Listen, it took me years to memorize my government ID number”
You scoffed.
“I’m sorry, I just- I just didn’t remember, I was hoping I’ll hear it somewhere, but it looked like you really liked it when I called you partner so I just left it at that”.
At this you rolled your eyes. No matter what men will be men.
“I really like it” you mimicked him.
Seokjin this time seemed to be getting upset as he huffed and quickly turned the wheel, stopping the car to a halt. Thankfully you were back in the city and pulled a side a large street. At that moment you wished you were wearing peals so you could cutch them at the fierceness and fast turning of the car. Seokjin placed the car in park and turned on the emergency lights.
Oh, this is serious, you thought to yourself as he unbuckled his seat belt so he could turn fully towards you.
“You really like me, don’t you?” Seokjin asked trying to meet your eyes that quickly down casted.
If you were expecting anything it was not that. Pulling over the car and telling you to “get in the back seat now, cause you made Daddy angry” seemed more probable then this detrimental question.
“What do you mean?” you asked him as you nervously clipped the nail polish off your nails.
“When you are me, seeing that look on a person face usually means one thing”
Wait. what. Was he really hyping himself up right now?
You trend you face up to see him sigh and slowly shake his head.
“Just a heads up, pretty people should know when someone likes them, you get the looks all the time, it’s really noticeable when you focus on them”.
The humiliation that you already had seething inside you engulfed into higher flames that turned icy cold.
At this point you were speechless because you didn’t know if you should cry or slap him.
You wanted to look away from his (beautiful) face, but it was hard to look away at the angel of death as he takes away any remaining life that you have left in you.
“Pretty people should know”, he repeated staring straight into your soul, “So tell me, why don’t you know?”
You heart stopped.
“The truth is…I kind of blacked out when you first came, then a second time when you said your name”. Seokjin looked down his face turning red at his confession. He scratched the back of his neck looking forward, straightening his body.
You in turn kept staring at him. Now your heart felt like it was overworking itself. Is he really saying what you think he is saying?
“I didn’t ask you again because I didn’t want to make a bad impression and you honestly looked like you liked “partner” he said the nickname with a little sadness. Now feeling betrayed by the name. “I was going to text Yoongi, for your name but then the whole lights thing happened. I’m sorry”.
You wanted to believe him, but he was an actor and he could be saying all this just to save himself. But why would he care so much? because you were Yoongis friend who was going to start rapping or maybe its cause it past 1 am and you are both stopped at the side of a lonely road in the city.
He sneaked a peak at you and upon seeing absolutely no change from your expression since his confession, he got scared and begin to ramble.
“Honestly, I was about to kiss you. You should know I don’t just kiss anyone. I am exclusive. I’m Kim Seokjin, member of Bangtan and promising actor of our university”
In his ramble you quickly bookmarked the words “member of Bangtan” in your mind for future questioning.
“You should know that a handsome alien hunter like myself wouldn’t kiss someone he didn’t like”.
“Can you stop blaming me for everything” you finally spoke out.
“I’m sorry”, he quickly said, “I’m not good at confessing , I’m sorry, I never done this before”.
You snort, out of everything you believe that for sure.
Should you believe him?, should you trust what he says? I mean it’s just your name, right? This is what you wanted and here he is the main man telling you in his out of touch inexperienced way that he likes you. It would be arrogant for you to write him off for that mistake. And to think that your beauty made him go blank does a lot to your ego. After spending a night with Seokjin, the image that you created in your head of him was completely shattered, the many day dreams you envisioned with him from the little times you’ve seen him and heard of him, explained nothing or showed nothing to who he really is as a person. This person whom you are sitting next to is the real Seokjin, not the idol image you’ve grown to believe and yearn for. This was real, just as much as you are real. And he deserves the respect of you to judge him for who he is and to like him for who he is and not for the idol-like image you made of him in your brain.
Seokjin smiles at you, a last attempt to show you his sincerity. You liked this Kim Seokjin way better than the one you made up in your mind.
“So” you asked placing your hand on his shoulder smiling up a him, “For how long have you liked me?”
FIN
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Good Things in 2019
@theputterer and @the-strongest-stars tagged me in the awesome annual end-of-year Good Things meme! I’ve done this in 2018 & 2017 and always think it’s a fun exercise of both reflection and looking forward.
Oh boy, though, my first thought was, what even happened in 2019? (Looking at a calendar helped! It reminded me of a few things I forgot)
It’s been a Rough Year, friends. Between OCD and basically travelling almost every weekend in the latter half of 2019, I am very much ready for a new year and hopefully a new slate.
But this is about the positives!
Personal
Played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons! I am now officially in two campaigns. This year, I endeavored to recruit more women to play, including the wonderful @allatariel. I play both my beloved cleric, Maritsa (who I’ve been playing her years now) and my new character, Noara, a ranger elf with a red panda familiar (yeah, my DM let me do that for funsies, so I could get an animal sidekick but also still try out the Horizon Walker subclass).
Speaking of red pandas, I accomplished my LIFE GOAL of meeting a red panda face-to-face. I got to feed Harriet at the Cincinnati Zoo for 30 minutes. She was adorable.
Completed all my dental work and had a clean bill of dental health two cleanings in a row!
Attended DC’s Around the World Embassy Day event, always fun
Attended Star Wars night at a local library, where I got to participate in a short demo/lesson on how to fence with a lightsaber!
Attended 50th Anniversary Celebration of Apollo 11 / landing on the moon (dude they projected the rocket on the Washington Monument and it looked so cool)
Returned to the NY Ren Faire and upgraded my ren faire garb
Celebrated at THREE friends’ weddings and got to catch up with old friends I hadn’t seen in awhile
Ate ice cream at the Ben & Jerry’s Factory in Vermont
Went to NYCC for the third year in a row. Got to wear 2 costumes this year: a 1920s flapper interpretation of an occamy and my Endor!Leia costume (repeat of 2017). Learned the True Pain of sewing. Created feather shawl for my occamy costume. Learned the True Pain of crafting.
Celebrated one year anniversary with hubbie down where we got married: visited the museum we got married in and actually got a chance to enjoy the exhibits, went to our favorite brunch place down there, got to check out Fleet Week and tour an aircraft carrier and uh... I think it was a missile cruiser?
Went up to PSU for a women’s hockey game for sister’s birthday (made embarrassing HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign for the cameras); also it was an absolutely wonderful fall drive on the way up there
Got to see The Rise of Skywalker in IMAX at the Smithsonian Air & Space Center with the awesome @allatariel! (thank goodness we had each other to get through that movie lol) also got to reuse my Endor!Leia costume. I did my own braids for the first time ever! (usually my talented sister does them) They looked like braids done by a n00b, but I didn’t care because they were passable and I did them myself and that was a Big Thing for Perfectionist Me (to not just... say screw it and undo it and just. give up. but to just let them be as is)
Worked hard at therapy and self care
Got a Sleep Number bed and holy shit let me tell you. i can actually sleep now.
OH! I almost forgot!!! Started playing Assassin’s Creed! I’ve only ever really played the LEGO Star Wars and Harry Potter video games so like. This was big for me.
Writing
Finally finished Learning Curve. TBH I was a bit shocked that this was in fact the only fic I published in 2019. What a travesty.
However! I have been writing
@allatariel & I sat down, overanalyzed You’ve Got Mail, and drafted up the outline for my in-universe AU, something I’ve been dreaming of starting for years. Have about 4300 words so far.
Just under the wire, I did manage to start my NatGeo AU, which I’ve been dreaming of since my honeymoon in Nov 2018
Started editing/revising my original young adult fantasy novel
Poked a little at my epic fantasy pirate travel novel idea
Books
I read exactly one book, Among the Red Stars, which I enjoyed. It’s about women fighter pilots in Russia in WW2. Inspired by real people.
Music
Saw Panic at the Disco! in concert. I went along with my sister. Not like a huge fan, but they put on a pretty fun show!
Saw Waitress on Broadway!! OH MY GOD. And Sara Bareilles was starring in it. Amazing. I freaking love her music (”How does she know / what a heart sounds like?” gahhh). She was so good, and the show was so good. I literally cried all the way through it just because I was so happy to be there, but also because of the content. Man.
Saw Sara Bareilles again, in concert, in Philly. I love her so much.
Television
Finished Critical Role Campaign 1! Oh man, what a ride. Gosh, I love that show. I really need to catch up in C2 now. I’ve started it but I’m only on episode 26 or 27.
I’m not sure whether I finished The Clone Wars in 2018 or 2019. I think it was early 2019. This show was amazing and this was the character development that Anakin Skywalker needed. I love Ahsoka Tano. I cannot wait for the last season.
Finished Rebels!!! AGAIN, what a ride!!! I still love Ahsoka Tano. I also love Hera Syndulla and Sabine Wren. Sabine’s Darksaber arc was fantastic.
The Mandalorian OMG BABY YODA!!! Yes, I have succumbed to the adorableness of Baby Yoda. Most adorable SW character forever. But also just an enjoyable story in general. This, this is how you craft a story. still NOT over the darksaber omg.
The Good Place is continuing to be good. Not as crazy about season 4, but I’m so glad they decided to limit the seasons.
Got my sister to watch Rebels!! And then even a few episodes of The Clone Wars!!! Mwahaha >)
Finally got around to watching The Great British Bake Off, what a sweet show!
OMG I ALMOST FORGOT Anne With an E!!! Gosh what a wonderful wholesome delightful show. No I haven’t watched S3 yet because I am Lawful Good to a fault and just patiently waiting for it to come on Netflix
Film
So, I woefully neglected to mention The Aeronauts in this post about my favorite movies in the 2010s and that was a Mistake. Because I really enjoyed this one
But otherwise probably check out that list. Because I don’t go to the movies that often, actually, and anything I really loved from 2019 is most definitely listed there.
Did I meet my 2019 Goals?
Writing: Fandom
Finish Learning Curve YES
...and How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days Uh, no, not so much
Begin and complete the in-canon universe You’ve Got Mail AU YES, it is begun but no it is not complete
Try to knock out a few other projects on my 30+ SW ideas Umm, I did start / poke at a few things in addition to the YGM and NatGeo AUs, but nothing really “knocked out”
Try my hand at creating more visual fan works (like moodboards/photosets, step 1, learn proper terminology) ahahahah, no.
Writing: Original
Query more agents for my completed original novel YIKES, No. But I wasn’t anticipating that I’d decide to heavily edit/revise my manuscript.
Actually get around to deciding which idea I want to work on next and work on it Yeah, sure, I decided. How nice of past!Liz to make this goal so reachable as “deciding” lol
Reading
Be more supportive in helping my friend run Book Club so that it can actually meet more regularly HA, oops. Book Club died, but kind of in favor of being able to start a second D&D campaign. At least that’s the trade off I’m looking at. I had some OCD-related glasses issues this year that inhibited reading a lot.
Try to read at least one book for myself outside of Book Club lol WELL the one book I read this year was not part of Book Club sooo
Goals for 2020
Writing
I’m not going to make this a completion goal, but instead...
...I’d like to just focus on creating a regular writing schedule/habit. Whatever the project, I just want to make sure I carve out significant time each week just to write. I don’t want to set a specific goal like “x hours a week” for now, but I want to make sure that I am writing each week.
To achieve that (because what are goals without maps):
If the words don’t immediately jump onto the page, then I’m going to try outlining or summarizing. I’m going to let go of overthinking how sentences are phrased, and just pretend I’m describing the story idea to a friend.
That blank page is staring at me and I’m just going to fill it with words no matter what I might think of them!
And I’m going to let everything else expand from there. And see how that works.
Edit my original manuscript
Query more agents re: original manuscript
Look into the idea of perhaps forming or joining a writer’s group for original writing oh gosh that is so scary
Other
Get back into reading
Develop a routine for working out
Eat healthier
Continue focusing on therapy goals
Get around to watching: Black Sails, Mad Max: Fury Road, Arrival
Get better at responding to things in general
Tagging: @allatariel, @magalis, @mythologicalmango, @skitzofreak, @threadsketchier, @brynnmclean, @ruby-red-inky-blue, @siachti and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it!
Happy New Year y’all!
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so today is. the first day of me joining tumblr back in....2016, right after the new star trek movie came out jajsjkd. the point was i needed a place to be excited without feeling alone and/or crushed, and here I found the perfect place.
now i know none a ya give two shits abt st and marvel and dctv and my political opinions so. thats why this aint my main blog hehe. newsies only came to me last year at a place in my life where I felt I was missing something. and that something was creative interest. i found it in this show because there was so much freedom with characters (and also an actor ive worked with since my theatrical start was jack last summer)--they were such blank slates that I could make them almost however I wanted and it’d basically be canon. I had wiggle room. I could write that.
so after and because of meeting @suddenly-im-respecsable, that’s exactly what happened. I posted Stay, and it got attention right off the bat, and I have to rlly thank yall for that because I would’ve stopped right then if not for the support.
so today is just celebrating this new fandom home I’ve found and calling out a few specific people who i hold close to my heart because of it. if you’re not mentioned you gotta know i love you tho. ALSO there’s a nice surprise message to writers at the end !!
@technically-whizzy and @starrysence: for always being generally supportive, making little comments, and always being down to talk. two of the sweetest souls on here, i swear.
@getchapapes: my god kait i just love you. wtf. i can talk to you abt literally anything, we can just start yelling and maintain a convo, we have an AU TOGETHER GAH that one day we’ll deal with for real oops. you’ve reblogged i think every single one of my fics? and that means the literal entire world to me? you’re the maria to my tony, girl. i fuckin love you bby
@papesdontsellthemselves: mikey...gahhh anchor bro ilysm. we rlly keep each other chill when the other Really wants to scream, we’re og marvel buddies, we share radical aus at 3am. same wavelength, all the time, bro. you’re going to do incredible things in college, i wholeheartedly know that. ps i miss u come back here bitchass
@suddenly-im-respecsable: where the FUCK do i begin ma’am oh my god. my first newsies mutual. i wouldn’t be posting without you. you don’t know what spies did to me when you posted that first chapter (actually. you do. bc i yelled at you on the tags without knowing you yet), like....i got so inspired to dig deeper into aus and shit so thank you. for a year now ive known you. a year of yelling and 3am nonsense and our trio with mikey and keysmashes and everything in between. you know i love you. you’re incredible
@practically-peter-parker and @race-ace: my discord bois. my first introduction to this fandom. you two are so so important to me and i’ve missed you so much and im so happy we’ve reconciled. you’re both brilliant writers (yes, you TOO, PAPES), always up for anything, always open to talk at nearly all hours of day (ungodly or not). we’ve rlly stuck through it huh fam. and i couldn’t be happier for it. i might not be posting if not for saphie, but without you all, i wouldn’t even be writing.
@stripeyboy is an honorable mention bc he’s a newer boi but i’d def die for him....i love u pietro my angst man
and to anyone i have reblogged a fic from, ever: keep writing. i am behind you in your creative process every step of the way, and i believe in you. your words are words hearing, and i really want to listen.
aright boys sap hour is over. consider yourselves honored; i don’t do that kinda stuff.
#y e a h its lov boy hours#mutuals#mikey tag#saph tag#fansies#fizz freaks#anniversary! amazing!#THANKS TO ALL MY NEARLY 700 FOLLOWERS YOU ALL MEAN THE WORLD TO ME THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHINGGGG
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What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?
Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!
Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?
OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE
okay where was i
Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...
SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD
Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!
Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD
Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!
So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.
And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?
Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.
Anyway LOL im rambling too much!
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Ok what fuckin sucks even more than that is seeing people give tumblr user ihatecispeople shit JUST for his name being ihatecispeople. Despite the fact his entire blog is full of actual good analysis of transphobic shit cis people have sent him so its pretty clear WHY he's saying "i hate cis people" and he means these ones doing these shit. Its like how literally any damn minority cant say "ugh i hate [majority]" withput clarifying that they menat"i hate the members of this majority that are hurting me and do not hate everyone in the majority because i believe the category they were born as is biologiclly inferior". Even though its CLEARLY APPARANT thats what they goddamn mean, when they say "i hate cis people" DIRECTLY AFTER getting hate mail from a transphobic cis person. Its nuts how cis people (oh im sorry SPECIFICALLY ONLY CERTAIN CIS PEOPLE) will bend over backwards to say that a single trans person stating an unsatisfactarily specific statement equals cisphobia is real. Because that totally equals being hate crimed and societally oppressed by trans people!! Like do they really fuckin think that the only crime transphobes commit is posting privately on a blog somewhere the single sentence "i hate trans people". Which, by the way, is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT to saying "i hate cis people" cos they fuckin said it first!! Like i already said, trans people are just saying they hate cis people WHO ARE BEING TRANSPHOBIC TOWARDS THEM AND THREATENING THEIR GODDAMN LIVES while transphobes have no goddamn reason provoking them to hate trans people except, yknow, ACTUALLY HATING US ALL AS A CLASS AND BELIEVIBG WE'RE BIOLOGICALLY WRONG. Retorting to a goddamn thing doesnt make you 'just as bad' and somehow thinking the same thing in reverse. It just means youre pissed off at being treated like shit and not everyone can expend so much effort to constantly check themselves to make all their vent posts Perfectly Correct And Clarified, while theyre fuckin crying and fearing for their safety. Especially when the goddamn thibg IS perfectly clear and its just transphobes purposely playing dumb to try and paint us as Just As Bad to sway people on the fence over to their side...
Also fuckin hell people reblog shit from blogs called stuff like griffinmcelroy'spisskink and all sorts of other stupid names without going 'oh op is automatically invalid cos they really believe and support that thing...' And there's sooooo many blogs with names including the F and D slurs yet its only the Q one thats treated like its so unreclaimable that someone merely having it in their blog header makes them automatically wrong on everything...
Gahhh its just so frustrating having to be held to a super high standard and be super patient over-explaining everything without ever getting mad yet at the same time a cis person saying actual transphobic shit gets the benefit of the doubt cos oh hey we can reinterpret that to maybe not be bad. Like they dont even need to spend all the time we do clarifying our every move, they just get it taken on good faith that it was all a misunderstanding no matter wjat! And again trans people havw to write fuckin huge detailed essays explaining every damn aspect of why the thibg was bigoted in order to get it recognised. And even then tehyre more likely to get hate than get an apology! Its just like no matter what you fuckin do, transphobes are gonna be all "uhhhh i cant be bpthered to do the research/listen to you/remember what you said last time/use basic reading comprehension skills/give you the basic benefit of the doubt as a human being/put in ANY EFFORT AT ALL INTO THIS CONVERSATION", and so many "on the fence" people will just be like "yes this is perfectly okay" while at the same time supporting those transphobes grilling trans people over every damn sentence they ever say.
God its just so fuckin tiring. And thats the point. Its playing dumb to make you too tired to fight back, so you just shut up and let people treat you like shit. My abusive father used to do the same thing, pretending like he ~just didnt know~ that what he was doing was abuse and you had to explain it to him. Over and over in exactly the same way every time. Its clear he never really was "just innocent of why you were upset", he was only faking it to find a way to keep doing it while also getting everybody's sympathy as if he was the one being wronged...
God man im just so fuckin tired. I hope this LONG AND VERY WELL EXPLAINED POST can be the last time i have to say this damn thing again, but i doubt it...
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HEYO! oh man now my friend helped me get all inspired again for working on my Cathedral Tower Defense game so WOO lets have another long post of miscellaneous ideasies for storyness!
may not be very coherant tho cos i am super tired and ill! but happy!!
THANKS SUMMON-DAZE FOR BEING MY ULTRA BESTIE
* Okay now I am super sure that I’m gonna let you choose the gender of the protagonist! And I wanna keep it so that their name is Amity either way, cos that’s kinda stuck in my mind. Surname Amity, player gets to decide the first name, but people will still be calling you Amity a lot at first cos you start off all awkward and formal with everybody. You’re a newcomer to this cathedral town and nobody knows whether to trust you, from their perspective you’re this dangerous person theyre forced to accept just because they need you to help protect them, whether you’re good or bad. They’re all worried what price they might have to pay for this, trying to figure out how to minimize the damage if you turn on them... and its not like they’re bad people for being untrustworthy, they’re just scared people huddling in a church and trying to keep their families safe at any cost. So try and prove your worth to them, and help them learn to protect themselves too, and make this ramshackle settlement into a real home!
....anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, gender selection is a good! And it could be relatively easy to impliment too, cos of the situation. Doesnt even necessarily have to be a menu or anything, it could just be like sir amity/lady amity/master amity. Cos you’re this paladin knighto, itd make sense for them to ask for your title. And it could just be like a shot of protagonist’s badass silhouette in the gateway of the cathedral and then you get the dialogue choice to pick your identity, and its all Super Cool~!
* It also actually gives me more of an idea of what i could do for their design, like I dunno maybe they have some sort of face-concealing helm or headdress or something. I was just thinking of them being dressed like a generic nun or princess but maybe emphasize more on the knight aspect instead of the holy part?
So like anyway, maybe they have a very all-concealing outfit and that could be the framing of the first scene instead, its like *pulls off the mask and you’re into the character selection screen*
Orrrrrr maybe there doesnt need to be any magical setup for a gender selection and it can just be a menu before the first scene starts XD
Or maybe you have a cool face-concealing helmet thing anyway, like all three gender options just have a different one, lol
* More random magical names i got via the cool name generator site summon-daze linked to me! Dunno if I’ll actually use any of these but im writing them down here so i dont forget.
Berebath, Betnia, Amurziz, Jetre, Miemahl, Semdach, Batxahl, Sidefarch, Botolohn, Vausach, Thammoch, Droibhal, Lekonach, Zeidhal, Tieloch, Rabrohm, Maesur, Smoiroch, Baelbuhr, Axoth, Jige, Chushou, Hukru, Nejeget, Roucu, Jinah, Aujus, Yekoth, Nugresah, Israfel, Jabriel, Tabris, Douma
* Also I’m remembering Jade Cocoon and how I liked that the different ‘families’ of monsters shared naming traits. Like how all those weird snake/slug cutiepies that i loved best were nushab, rashab, etc etc. And tamatoch and somethingtoch and so on. I think there was at least one where the modifier was a prefix too?
I dunno why i’m talking about this, but there you go. I just think if i wanna do full original made up names for demon species then i wanna make em stuff that just... feels like that. I dont actually wanna make like five different elements of each one tho, i wanna have only one per element and then they have like two different higher level finalized forms. Like, the human characters can have two job classes each and the demons can have two specializations within an element. That helps me think about how to limit it down to four or five elements, if we can combine common fantasy elements together! And yeah I was thinking it’d be cool if the demon ‘job classes’ could have their own evolving appearances and new names!
* Thoughts for the ol elemental groupings!
The only one I really have finalized is grass + poison = same thing. Florin, why u always the character that gets developed faster than everyone else XD
And I’m thinking giving them their own made up names would make it easier! Like how in SMT you have spells being stuff like ‘media’ and ‘agi’ instead of cure and fire. But here (hopefully) it’d be easier to memorize cos its just the element names that’re fantasy words, and the attacks themselves would be a little more self explanatory. i just think it’d work cos like... the idea i had of rock and fire being one single demon type, you could just call that magma. But i mean, what can you call plant + poison? Except.. like.. plant. Cos poison is reasonably often a grass type skill anyway. And i mean, game creators dont often worry about making sense, what with how ‘grass’ is the common element name when thats just one plant in a million. I cant stop thinking about that now I’ve noticed it! I legit thought grass was a synonym for plant when i was a kid, i learned to read from pokemon yellow...
ANYWAY
IM GETTING OFFTOPIC AGAIN
The other idea I had for groupings was fire + non-elemental together? I was just thinking like... aura. Non elemental/physical attack as a ‘magic’ could be fighting spirit! And thematically speaking it tends to be shown as fire effects in anime, i guess XD But then i couldnt put fire with rock and that means I’d have to redesign malachi again. his design ended up looking more firey than rocky :P
Another idea is maybe darkness + non-elemental together? like, interpret non-elemental as ‘void’. Or light and dark could be together actually, that could be an interesting way to do it, instead of having them opposing. Like maybe the elements could be colours! Grey element, able to specialize into white or black but neither is any sort of ‘good and evil’. And then the rest could be like green or like.. instead of red maybe fire could be bronze and thats why it has rock skills too? or man, maybe rock and metal could be one element and fire could be grouped with something else. And would water and ice be too ordinary and boring? do they already kinda count as one element? should I throw in something else?
GAHHHHHHH
* Ideas for the multiple religious groups aligned with each element!
I’m thinking I want one of them to interpret the setting’s absent god as two deities. like, every perspective on this deity is a wildly different character, this one is just even more so! they’d see malahat (tentative name) as two people, but kinda more like a shared soul that can manifest as either a male or female form. But there’d be ambiguity and debates in the mythos over whether this is actually a genderfluid god, or if its ‘twins who were cursed to never exist at the same time’, or various other variations on the story. I wanna make it like real life, where even within (for example) catholocism, there’s different sects and different translations of the same text. And where there’s predjudice against minority groups and people like to twist their faith to ‘justify’ it, even when parts of the original tale could easily justify treating those people with kindness too. So there’d be some followers of the twins religion who are very openminded to LGBTQ people, and historically anyone trans was able to hold a unique position as a priest, being treated as someone blessed by god. But like in norse mythology, this wasnt necessarily a sign that society was 100% okay with LGBTQ people. Its kinda depressing to read about how trans women and gay men were considered the only people able to become a specific kind of witches, but also how you kinda HAD to take this one safety net in society to stop people from making you an outcast. It was like ‘make them fear me so they dont fuckin kill me’. You had to become a medicine person and at least claim to believe in these magic powers, you had to be blessed by the gods to prove you were like.. one of the good ones. Otherwise its like youre saying the gods made a mistake when they made you, or youre choosing to be a deviant against nature. i can only imagine how terrifying it must have been if you believed in that religion and had to like.. be forced to go against it and leave society, or be forced to lie about being chosen by a god for a higher purpose, while believing that any moment you might get struck down for lying. And then I read in other history books about how the concept of homosexuality was far different in that old society too, how male-on-male sex was accepted at sea as long as you were the dominant one and you were forcing something unwanted onto a lesser shipmate as punishment. Like ugh, rape being more socially accepted than consensual LGBTQ relationships! I guess the only solace is that we can never be 100% sure how much of historians’s theories are correct and what might have changed in retellings of history, but honestly I can believe the past is this fucked up when the present is already fucked up in different ways.
BUT ANYWAY
I wanna explore those themes in my story maybe. And I wanna do more research into the subject to make sure I’m doing it justice, even though its a very sad subject that might be quite stressful. Maaaaan, I remember how I used to obsess about researching norse myth as a kid, it was one of my first Special Interests and I really wanted to see all the different reinterpretations of Loki and write my own fanfic/adaptation/vaguely inspired original story about What If He Stayed A Good Guy. Man I had soooo much sympathy for the poor sod. I mean it depends on the retelling whether he was always evil or whether he was like a comedic neutral ally to the gods who just abruptly becomes evil and gets killed off without remorse in the final story. And gahhh he’s like the biggest LGBTQ bastion in the whole mythos, and how can I not feel sympathetic?? When we get all these stories about him being a literal genderfluid shapeshifter and giving birth to half of his children and just like seriously its like The Story Of the One Trans Man In Homophobic Transphobic Valhalla and he was probably meant to seem Bad and Funny and whatever but im gonna sit here and grumpily cling onto the idea that he was deliberately written as trans, or that if these gods actually do exist out there somewhere then Loki would support me. *pout* I just have a lot of good memories of how this was like the first sign of me realizing my own gender, back when I first learned about Loki in school and then devoured every damn history book about the dude. And got in a million internet pissing matches about how innacurate the marvel version was XD Also it sucks that we like to believe that modern times are always 100% more enlightened in every way, yet its modern adaptations that always censor out the bits about him shifting gender identities and getting pregnant once.
...
man this has gone offtopic too much, im really tired
but seriously its funny how teenage bunni had NO CLUE they were nonbinary, no clue why they got so obsessed researching gender-defying mythological figures and historians who created gender neutral pronouns in the 1800s. i was so supernaturally oblivious, holy shit...
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Oh man, reading that link that whole thing is really fucked up...
Apparantly Blake is transgender and like YIKES I can expect a lot of people linking that to his abusive behaviour and weird fandom delusions about having a right to have sex with someone cos he basically decides they’re the otherkin to his otherkin. (?????) LIke seriously he apparantly made a goddamn actual cult where he’d claim to be the reincarnation of actually still living real people, and do a bunch of identity faking stuff, and then pressure various other queer and trans fandom folks into being his sex slaves and stuff because he ‘saw that they were [insert character here]’ and he’s totally their destined reincarnation mate? Even when we’re talking about elijah wood?? ‘I’m his real lost soul and the one you see on tv is an evil husk’ like what the FUCK
And like just AAAAAGH all that stuff is horrible but I’m really worried about people’s reactions to it missing the point and being like ‘haha it proves that trans people are all crazy abusers’ or like even.. ‘we can prove that furries and otherkin and other random ’cringey’ internet fandoms are all rapists’. But I mean I only compared it to otherkin here as a reference modern people might understand, this was way before any of those groups even existed, yknow?
And just AAAARGH there’s a bit in that article about how police were right for the wrong reasons and exposed one of his culty scams because they arrested him for identity theft for using his transitioned name while buying something, before legally changing it...
And the article author makes a point to use male pronouns and talk about how other articles have had this sort of ‘he’s an asshole so he deserves to be called a faking trans trender’ attitude and just AAAARGH
And this makes me extra double pissed off at this asshole man cos he got famous off of a misogynistic fanfic in the first place and then abused a bunch of trans women and gay women and straight women and EVERY QUEER WOMAN HE LAID HIS EYES ON. Despite being a trans man who you’d think would have some sympathy for the female gender, after having lived a life of being treated like a woman and all... god I’m trans and I always doublecheck EVERY POST I MAKE to make sure I’m not accidentally having my self-hate stuff sound anti-woman, i’ve gotta clarify everything to the Nth power because I respect women that much and just GAHHHHHH
fuck how can a queer person be so abusive and disgusting to other queer people? How can he be so hateful towards members of his assigned gender? how can he make a goddamn creepy pyramid scheme cult sex thing all about friggin HARRY POTTER and LORD OF THE RINGS and ONE CELEBRITY MAN HE CLAIMS STOLE HIS IDENTITY SOMEHOW
Like god I still feel pity for this guy as much as I wanna punch him. There’s no way to tell from an outsider’s point of view here whether he was just making all this shit up in order to abuse people, or if he really did have some sort of mental illness?? Still doesn’t make what he did any less disgusting though, it’s just like if he’s sick then we can at least hope he’d be able to get some therapy in prison and eventually realize the consequences of what he’s done.
and also like GAHHH I’M GETTING ANXIOUS ABOUT IT AGAIN
about people thinking ‘oh he’s just a deluded crazy person and [insert wrong pronoun here] only believes in that transgender stuff because ~craaaazy~’
or people writing about this story as if the transgender stuff was part of the cons and lies...
goddddd like how can i get so terrified over just not knowing how cis tumblr would react to a scary news story about a trans guy...
also randomly and kinda unrelatedly thanks to my friend Beez for linking me to the trans positivity reddit board cos i did not know that existed! I think i’ve been unfair in the past for assuming that whole site is ‘dudebros’ just because that’s the stereotype. Its still not my kind of thing but I feel like i was cruel to judge it based on second hand accounts without actually looking at it. Also its annoying that tumblr’s stereotype is being bad because its full of queer folks, yet we have huge amounts of horrible inter-community predjudice shit in our LGBT stuff, gahhhh... like fuck there’s LESS HATE IN THE TRANS POSITIVITY TAG ON REDDIT
...
anyway sorry i dunno why i ranted so much about this random news story except i’m still choking on my medicine and i’m kinda grumpy about it, lol
(don’t worry i’m okay, just got something stuck in my throat, i’m not dying or anything)
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