i think one of the worst feelings in the world is having uncertainty about your living situation it is literally so stressful and there's like... not much i can do right now...

Oscillating between the guilt of not helping out my sister more with her four, soon to be five, kids, and the indignation of having told her my rent went up and her having asked for money four times since then, in the space of two and a half months.

Like, I can't afford it. I cannot afford to foot the bill for every bad decision she makes. I have tried to give her advice. I have tried to direct her to services. I have defended her when our mother shits on her, and I have spent a considerable amount of money to help her out. A couple years ago it was literally $1000 in the space of three months. That was a month's worth of rent for me. It's gone up since then.

She keeps making ill-thought out choices. Let's move out of the city where everything is far away and there's no daycare! Let's breed a bunch of cats we don't have the space for to make some extra money but because their isn't enough space and now there's a smell, we're getting evicted! She won't dump the boyfriend, who doesn't contribute financially at all, he just keeps getting her pregnant and sitting on his fucking ass texting other women--and I have held my tongue on that situation till it feels like my mouth may bleed because I know you're not supposed to.

But I am not rich. I am not middle class. I am under the fucking poverty line! I can't keep it up! I'm living off fucking PBJ sandwiches and some fruit for fuck's sake! It feels like I could be living out of a cardboard box and she would find me to ask for money.

I feel like such an asshole when I tell her "it's disrespectful to ask me for money on the first of the month when I've literally told you my rent went up" or when I tell her "I need you to make better decisions" when she asked me for money two months after I had given her $1000 in the space of three months. But I can't fucking keep this up. I have told her over and over and over she cannot depend on me for money.

I can no longer afford to pay for choices I didn't make.

You are Expendable

You are a hard working individual Pride yourself on your work You show up early and stay late You never miss a meeting or an email “We are lucky to have you, You are such a great asset to the team. With everything you do, to show our gratitude We will fire you without question.” You work hard every day Put your heart and soul into the job You encourage your coworkers, teammates Take that overtime and bust your ass You don’t sleep, you think of what You can do better tomorrow Yet you are expendable. Your job does not need you You will be replaced by the end of the day. Your job does not value you, You are a commodity that can be replaced. Your skill is teachable, Your knowledge is common. The truth is you are expendable And they’ll replace you for their financial gain.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I should have known from the 1st day of training my job as a claim associate for a Big Name National Insurance Company that I would regret my decision to apply.

I should have known when within two days of training I was pulled to the side and written up. For my neighbor talking to me.

I should have known.

So this is all on me, I know, but I thought that this company would treat me right and it was only these two bitter old employees who were about to retire.

I was wrong. I was so wrong.

the first year was amazing! I met new friends, I was great at my job, I had the best manager in the world! I was surprised that I could like working in Insurance. I was being talked to about advancement, different areas of the company I would excel at, and the right path to follow to achieve my goals.

Then She came along. Covid hit, we were all sent home, and a brand new manager took over my team. I didn’t think much of it, because honestly? She seemed fine. She was new to managing, but not new to the job. My biggest critique then had just been how much time she seemed to take off. She was NEVER there. Every other day she was taking a partial day. She took long weekends, took weeks off at a time. It was weird to say the least. 

But then the snippy emails came. The bitchy remarks.

My team suffered GREATLY. We went from being one of the top performing teams to suddenly being at the bottom. And all of these Outliers Reports that we had never heard of started becoming this huge deal.

Literally never heard of these reports, and then one week we were all on them. And it was a BIG DEAL (TM). Then we were getting in trouble for being in the wrong call states (the call states we have been told to be in for specific situations since we were trained were suddenly the wrong call states).

All of this I was willing to just deal with. But then...

Then my mom got sick. I got a call from my father at around 1 or 2PM Thursday, November 19, 2020. My mom was going to the ER because they thought she was having a stroke. I told my boss I couldn’t be at work and left for the day. Found out that it was a tumor, possibly cancer. Within 2 weeks she was in surgery to remove the mass and we found out it was Glioblastoma. The worst brain cancer.

And my friends and family kept asking “Is your work understanding? Being accommodating?” And I couldn’t say they were. They were the complete opposite of understanding.

I fought for a while to make them understand and to just ask for simple accommodations only to be met with “If you can’t do your job then go home.”

Below is a letter I wrote to HR.

“To whom it may concern,

My name is ______, and I work as a claims representative in the Auto Property Claims, Express. I am writing to you today to bring up some issues I have recently run into with the way Express is run, and I would like to discuss these with you and hopefully find a solution so if someone else is ever in my position, they are treated better.

Specifically, I would like to discuss how I was treated when I found out my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer.

I received a call on my first break on Thursday, November 19th, from my father. He told me that my mother was on her way to the ER. I immediately IM’d my manager, *blacked out*, and requested to leave, as my father cannot take care of my mother alone since he is blind. She simply said that she logged me out, and I did not think anything of her short reply.

I came back to work on Monday, November 23rd, because I had no more PTO, despite still waiting for my mother’s MRIs to come back with the official diagnosis. She was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her brain.  I could not afford to take time off (and also welcomed a distraction), but knew I would not be much help on phones, so I asked for tasks and waited 40 minutes for a response.  However, She simply stated that it wasn't possible for me to do other tasks - that either I could answer calls and talk to customers while in crisis and crying or miss work and not get paid.

I understand there are rules and managers cannot change our schedules on a whim; however, it felt crass that she would not even discuss an alternative. In the past I know that myself and others have been given courtesy during extreme circumstances, so I had spoken with another team manager about it, and he told me he would speak with Jessica for me.

Right before close, however, I received a very snippy IM from Her stating the following: “Just so you know, I had spoken with my boss, *blocked*, about this. And she said we couldn’t do that. And you were logged out for 40 minutes earlier today so I took the liberty of changing your T2 for that as an Unscheduled PTO.”

Those 40 minutes were while I was waiting for her response and trying to get myself together after learning horribly devastating news. I also felt very attacked and that if I were to do anything that she did not like from now on that she would retaliate against me. I still feel as though she will retaliate against me just because I went to another manager with an issue that she did not appear to care about at all. 

She has also consistently been lacking in manager experience, as well. The most prominent example of this is that she will not (or possibly does not know how to) help with personal development, either within the company nor in my current job position. When she brings up any areas where I could do better, she simply tells me “do better,” and when I ask for advice on how to go about doing so because I feel as though I am doing all I can she simply tells me again “do better." I can provide examples if you would like.

I attempted to speak about this with HR, but they simply asked why I was upset that my manager was asking me to do my job. I felt isolated afterwards, and felt as though Big National Insurance Company in general does not care about their employees in the least. Our motto is Remarkable. But my experience during this tragic time of learning that my mother might not just have brain cancer, but may never regain control or strength of her left side (her dominant side) ever again, coupled with the fact that my father only went blind 3 years ago so I now have 2 disabled parents whom I may need to start taking care of on a regular basis, has been anything but remarkable

I was told to get CIGNA to look into ADA accommodations. However, I needed the accommodation immediately, and CIGNA can take weeks, if not months, to get established. In that moment I needed to know that I could do my job while also helping my family through this horribly difficult time, and I was told to jump through hoops like a circus animal and maybe I would still have a job after, but probably would not be paid for the time off. I could apply for the Employee Grant, but that’s not a guarantee, and I have to apply for it after I’ve already lost the pay. As I’m living paycheck to paycheck right now, that would mean I would probably be facing eviction by the time I would receive any assistance. 

Accommodations were simply thrown out the window and when my friends ask how I’m doing and if my job is being understanding, I cannot say that they are. Between the points system, which punishes you for being ill or having to care for family, and my boss’s cold, indifferent, and unsympathetic attitude towards me, I feel as though I am literally just a number, an expendable employee who is simply there to be a robot. 

As I stated at the beginning of this email, I would love the chance to discuss this with you to find a solution. So if anyone else is ever put in this position, they are treated with dignity, respect, and sympathy, rather than cold, unfeeling retaliation and robotic responses. So future employees do not have to jump through hoops in order to have simple and understandable accommodations made as they work on getting the rest lined up.

You can reach me at this email, my personal email *blocked*, or through text or calls at my cell number *blocked*. 

Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

*my name*

We had a lovely conversation with my boss, her boss, and a new HR rep. But did anything change? No. If anything, I started getting micromanaged even more.

There is so much more to the story than this, but I - I just don’t have the time or energy to type it up.

Maybe I will another day.

But in conclusion - I should have known. Shame on me for allowing myself to be fooled.

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Warning for a couple walkthroughs of my mild anxiety attacks, mild cursing, and some alcohol and drunkenness mentions. Context: My parents and I just get home from grocery shopping after picking my dad up from work. I get started on my dinner right after we get all the groceries in. It is after 6:30pm. I live on the eastern seaboard. My mom has a private number pop up on her phone and she answers cause we have fucked up legal shit going on and you never know who's calling. "L, it's uh, a guy from /not risking those bastards finding it with even a fake name bullshittery lets call it C corp/ and its for you." My immediate thought is someone from work needs to know if I know a policy question or if I know where a tool might be or how to handle a situation. But then my heart sinks cause my mom knows everyone there and half of them call her mom because she's there early to pick me up all the time. 1. She'd have given me a name, and 2. They'd have texted me first because sometime my phone is off for a week or more because sometimes a can't afford my month by month plan. It happens, I'm poor, but my moms is always on because of legal shit, doctors appointments, job stuff for all of us, and everything else. Thing is. No one who is working tonight really knows that. They're all new or new ish and haven't had thrat happen when they try to call me yet. But it irritates the store manager to no end. She thinks I make enough to not be poor. I make pennies over 11 bucks an hour and close to a quarter of that (like 23%) gets taken out in taxes. Even with our other two incomes right now my family of 6 is broke as fuck. We were homeless for two years (TWO FUCKING YEARS) because our former slumlord neglected to pay his mortgage and the court pushed us out onto the street while charging us with evictions because the bank wanted them to. That is a whole other basket of raging, rapid, monstrous beasts, but that's beside the point. Anyway back to the story, which I now know my manager is involved in because who from corporate would know to call my mothers phone instead of my primary number. So I answer the phone and its a guy from corporate. Technically he works in my region but as far as I'm concerned district manager is corporate. So I'm in the first stages of an anxiety attack and I can barely breathe and I'm shaking and my heart is racing and I'm already tearing up. He wants to talk about a comment I made on the C corps employee resource/announcement/inventory/paperwork page. We are 'encouraged' to make these comments, I believe primarily to out unhappy people, but I had never made a comment before. Last week though, after a few days of other people commenting how unhappy they were regarding the announcement, I felt like I was safe enough to do so. Apparently not. :/ The announcement was about raises in January but with additional 'tenured' 'part/ner' raises. I'm just short of the cutoff for the three year better raise and. I. Am. Livid. Enraged. Pissed. Infuriated. Raging. Antagonized. Outraged. Inflamed. Wrathful. I've been a supervisor for nearly a year and a half. And I've been the only fucking closing one they have been able to keep. I replaced one while she went on her sabbatical, she works mornings now. The other that was there before I was promoted moved to mornings because she got burned out on nights. Which I understand. If you work nights, you get burned out. I only close. I have requested to have at least one mid shift a week, I'm tired and I deserve it. But I'm not allowed. Because this store has been through the first two who are veterans and who trained me, two men one who quit with no notice because he and most of the rest of the team (see, morning crew) and he loathed each other. Another who quit walked out on her last day because she hated the manager, a morning crew member (see a theme? Morning crew hates nights and night crew just sits there, understaffed and denied all there requests off, seething, while the manager only calls out or writes up evening crew). So right now there's me, I close 4 nights a week. I used to be full time but I had to beg for 7 months. SEVEN FUCKING MONTHS. to have one day taken off my schedule. Literally I had tears running down my face as I had to explain to her why I needed go not work t days a week. Finally, convinced I still regularly work an extra day because she's desperate and I need money. But I won't close that extra day because I asked for 3 closes and one mid a week and was still denied it because the morning crews schedules come first. There's a second closing supervisor but she happens to enjoy using racially charged words despite being white as I am and us closing with mostly poc. She sucks at her job and was only promoted because she lied about having experience as a supervisor because she can count cash but she can't run the floor. She forgets everyone else's breaks and runs hers late and literally cannot get done close to being on time. I have been told by at least four closers and preclosers that they will quit or transfer if I do because they cannot stand her. Sorry I'm really pissed and kinda drunk now so I'm getting really off topic but I promise that all of this backs up why I'm fucking pissed. So this guy from not-really-corporate ill call him D, wants to know why I feel the way I do. We have a conversation that was at least 20 minutes long. C corp is obsessed with their 'total pay' style. None of which really helps me. I'm too poor to get their healthcare, I get Medicaid. I never used it but I have to have it so there it is. I use it for glasses and that is it. They offer stock options, which take either two or three years to be available in cash I don't really know all I know is my parents advised me to leave them for when we /really/ need it but I can only.take a small amount of cash out. They offer retirement options and whatnot through a certain financial service but, once again, cannot afford to take money out of my paycheck. They offer a small handful of majors through an online school. Thing is you have to pay upfront for it, and I want to go to art school which obviously isn't offered through this program. We get a food item and free drinks every shift. I can eat a total of 1 food item available to us out of like a hundred. I ate it every day for a year and a half. I can't eat oatmeal anymore. Free drinks are great but even the theatre i worked at offered that. We go over all that. I explain that I have a family of six. I need money now. Not later. Not healthcare. Not a pay up front education (don't worry we'll pay you later if you get good grades). I get sick when I think of eating oatmeal (yeah oatmeal is literally a trigger for me now I used to love oatmeal). I explain that I once applied for the donation fund by part/ners for part/ners on the worst day of my life and when I got the reply email I was told that because I didn't have any utility bills, because my family was FUCKING HOMELESS. He went on to say that if I wanted more money that I should move up in the company. The three people I have watched try to move above a supervisor position have been led along with a carrot attached to a fucking string. One person finally got an ask position and the other even after 9 years is still stuck in the same place I am. I don't want to move up. I want to make a living wage. We discussed this. He asked me how much I thought I should be making. I lied and said 13 an hour. It should be 20. Customer service employees and ESPECIALLY FOOD SERVICE EMPLOYEES should get hazard pay. Forget the raise for managers and supervisors. I do my job. I used to do it better. I left behind two other jobs for this piece of shit company. I have taken shit raises. Pennies. God damned pennies as a raise. I work only closing shifts for three years. I have covered other stores for days to help them out. I have dealt with the shittiest of shitty employees and customers. I have taken panic attack after panic attack and have taken shit from every customer and every single person I have worked with. I like plenty of my team members but goddamn are they catty ass bitches. I take the shift no one else wants. I have taken nothing but shit from my manager who thinks that my dreams don't make money, because its art. He literally didn't care about anything I had to say. Just repeated that there is a cutoff for a reason. Which I fucking I understand. I'm not a goddamned idiot. Doesn't stop me from being fucking enraged. Well ill keep y'all updated when this posts. But its Tuesday and if not friday, I don't think ill have a job by Monday. It's been like an hour since I started this and I'm still crying and still breathing heavily and I hate everything. I fucking hate my job I fucking hate my life and I'm tired.

How to Move and Do What You Want

When I was about nine years old, my parents decided to move my family of six across the country from Placentia, California to Hot Springs, Arkansas--quite a different place for anyone making the transition, but definitely for a nine year old who didn't exactly understand what was happening when my parents first told me about the move. It seemed exciting and new, so of course, I was happy to be on the road trekking 1600 miles from what I called home. For most of my childhood as an Arkansas resident, after the "honeymoon phase" of it all faded away, I loathed having to be there. So much, in fact, I promised myself to move away from Arkansas because it didn't have what I really wanted: a big city, the hustle, and bustle with all of the sounds and people it had to offer. Don't get me wrong, my childhood was fine. I didn't experience anything out-of-the-ordinary (other than southern accents, Republicans, and crazy Christian people who would try to scare me into following Jesus Christ).

All of that aside, I moved back to California when I was nineteen years old with my car full of stuff and a huge heart full of ambition. I wish I could say I had help from friends and family to aid in my journey to become my own person, but unfortunately, I didn't come from a well off family with even an ounce of being close to being a wealthy family. What we had was for necessity and everything extra was up to me to provide for myself including my car, cell phones (when they came around), gas, food money, etc, etc. I learned to work for what I wanted and that it wouldn't be handed to me like some more fortunate people. I feel like my having to work to provide for myself created the drive I have today to make it happen, no matter what blocks me from getting there. Just ten short months later, I made the difficult decision to move back to Arkansas on the last few hundred dollars I had. It was a combination of not having enough money to do anything except go to work and back, being lonely, and feeling hopeless. My time there from July 2009 to May 2010 taught me so much about myself, my limits and what I wanted to do, or rather what I didn't want to do and how to evaluate who I was as an individual. I still had a lot to learn and still do even today.

When I arrived back in Arkansas, I decided to give myself a fresh start in a different city other than where I had grown up and gone to school. I really disliked living in Hot Springs--it is a small tourist town where people get stuck there; they don't leave. I didn't want to be one of those people. After moving, I didn't feel like a failure deciding to move back because I wasn't in a position where I had to move back like I was homeless or about to be evicted. It was a choice. I took a pretty decent job as a manager at a local fast food chain and got my own place. I began to work a lot of hours. After a few months, I decided to leave the job due to the long days and lack of compensation to make up for the job.

I took a series of several serving jobs over the next few years until, in 2011, my car stopped working--it literally broke down at a stop light and I had to push it off the road. With no way to get to my job, which was at least 5-10 miles away from where I lived, I had to quit the job and find something closer to me. Luckily, I was positioned quite well to succeed. My apartment and the new job I found, which was a local coffee shop that also served a full breakfast and lunch menu, had everything I needed in between. The grocery store, bank, and gym were all in between my 10-15 minute walk from home to work every day. I lucked out! I continued to work at the coffee shop for about a year. Coming up to the end of working there, I had gone to a local car dealership, which was also near my apartment, to see if I could afford to get a used car to be able to get around easier. My mother was gracious enough to help me co-sign for the car. I had a car again, a newer car, probably the best car I had every owned up until this point in my life. Over the past few months, I had really started to resent my job, mostly because of the lack of joy I was getting out of going to work early each morning or staying late at the end of the night. The owners weren't as supportive in the operation of their business as I had hoped or maybe I just didn't see their support for what it was. Either way, I really wanted to go back to school since I wasn't able to continue school while living in California. I owed a few hundred bucks to the school because I didn't take enough hours to make me eligible for financial aid, rendering the costs as out-of-pocket, which I definitely didn't have at the time. My account was put on hold and there I was.

So, I worked my ass off to pay off the fees to get my transcript released so I could transfer to a school nearby, get my financial aid up and running again and go back to school. I worked hard, picking up hours, staying late, anything I could to make extra money to pay off the fees. I was finally able to pay them off in April 2012. I registered for full-time summer classes and made straight As--something I had never done up until that point. The classes I took replaced low grades with higher grades to raise my GPA and then I transferred to The University of Arkansas at Little Rock where I graduated in May 2016 with a Bachelor's in Theatre Arts.

In the last year of my undergraduate studies, I was contemplating what I wanted to do after school. As a stage manager, I knew I wanted to pursue a career in stage management, but I didn't quite know how to go about it. I wrote my mentor and chair of the department to help me through the process. He guided me to several professional internship programs and graduate school options. The longer I began to research the two very different options, I was led to pursue grad school more eagerly than the other. I still applied to a few internships and got calls for interviews--after I had already been accepted to grad school. I was accepted into The University of California, San Diego for their Masters in Stage Management program. It is a huge honor and very competitive program. Some days, I still cannot believe I'm in grad school.

Once my wife and I knew we were moving to San Diego, we had 6 months to save money, sell things, pack things, figure out our moving situation in order to get out to San Diego and find a place to live once we arrived. Because I am really great a budgeting and saving money, I created a budget and found places for us to cut and how to maximize our earnings so we could have some money set aside for us once we got to San Diego. We used a moving company called U-Pack, which is a place where you pack your stuff into a trailer or cube and the company ships it to wherever you are moving. We saved over $1,000 using their service. We were able to use those savings to go towards our fuel, food, and lodging.

The lessons I've learned from the time my family moved from California to Arkansas are embedded in my personal skills, a knack for budgeting, and go-getter attitude. Those experiences are what shaped me to be able to go after what I really wanted to do in addition to my parents and family being supportive about what I was dreaming about. You can move and do what you want, too! Take a look at some tips below for how to get started. To learn more about my tips or to get advice, feel free to contact me!

5 Quick Tips to Help Make Your Move Successful!

1. Planning is essential in order to make a successful move.

If you are thinking about moving to a new place, especially to a place where the cost of living is considerably higher, creating a plan for how, when and who will be coming along with you is essential to making your move as smoothly as possible.

When planning, figure:

the difference in your income where you are now and where you will be moving,

the difference in cost of the expenditures you currently have and what they will be in your new destination, especially rent, parking, insurance, and fuel cost. Most other costs won't be affected by much. Even the items I listed may not be affected at all.

Plan your spending habits in order to maximize savings. Saving money is hard enough, but when you are trying to move, you have to go into survival mode. Think about anything you have in your budget that is extraneous and is unnecessary such as a Spotify premium account, Netflix, the best level of the internet, going out to eat, etc. Many of these things seem like must-haves these days, but hearing/watching commercials or eating out are not things you need. If you really want to save money, you'll have to sacrifice the small things to save big!

How are you going to move your stuff? Are you going to get an old-fashioned Uhaul and make stops as you go? Are you going to fly and ship your stuff? When my wife and I moved across the country, we were asking ourselves the exact same question. We ended up going with upack, a great company that will ship your stuff for you after you pack the items by either drop-off or pick-up.

See more in "Budgeting can maximize your savings" into the right places below.

2. Researching will give you insight and smart decision-making.

Take some time to research where you want to move. Start with where the city is located. What other cities are around it? Is there a hot tourist attraction around? What's the weather like?

Look into the cost of living by doing a basic Google search. Be sure to look at rent, utilities, fuel, groceries, transportation, etc.

Does your new city have public transportation? Is it good? Is it affordable?

What do people on forums like trip advisor, yelp, google maps, and other third party websites say about the atmosphere and condition of the city?

3. Make a list of goals.

Goal setting is one of the most valuable assets you can have when planning a move.

How much do you want to spend on moving expenses?

How much do you want to save?

How much to you need to save?

When do you want to get certain moving goals done?

Do you want to get rid of unwanted stuff? If so, how will you do it?

Make realistic deadlines for you to reach your goals. If you know you are unable to save $5,000 in six months, don't make it a goal. Maybe you can save $500 in six months. That's ok.

Making goals can really bring the process of moving into perspective in terms of whether it is feasible for you in 6 months or a year from now.

4. Budgeting can maximize your savings into the right places.

Figure out how much money you're bringing in then figure how much money you are spending, not including credit cards. Once you figure those numbers out, subtract your spending from your income and that is your excess (or net) income. It is what you are able to save each money. You might be asking yourself, what about my credit cards?

If you are not using your credit for you, but against you, here are 2 helpful pointers. This will also allow you to eliminate your credit card payment while building your credit and freeing up your money to save.

"Pay your credit cards off" each month. What I really mean is pay your statement balance off every month. Credit interest is calculated every 30 days or each at the close of each statement period (30 days). If you pay your credit cards' statement balance off, you don't pay interest. Pay your payments ON TIME. I would recommend having it be an auto-payment.

Once you pay your credit card bill(s), use your credit cards to pay for what you need such as gas, groceries, bills, etc. etc. By using your credit cards in this way, it "eliminates your credit card bill," since you are paying the statement balance. It doesn't actually eliminate your credit card bill, but instead of paying the minimum and having it be another expense to your budget, you are paying the balance on the account and turning around to use the available credit on the account without adding the amount of the minimum payment. If you use your credit cards in this manner, then the amounts you would pay for a minimum payment on your accounts can then be rolled into savings each month.

Once you figure out what you can save each month, make it a goal to save a certain amount by a certain time. Try breaking up how much you need to save daily, weekly and monthly to give yourself more specific goals, depending on what your spending habits are currently.

Evaluate your spending habits. What are you currently spending money on that you can eliminate for the time being? Roll those $5 a month you might be spending on Spotify or Apple Music. $5 adds up over a year, not by much, but add it to other small savings and you could increase your savings by $250 or more!

5. Don't second guess yourself.

The biggest mistake I hear people making when they are talking about wanting to move or do something they want to do, it's they aren't sure they can even do it! You must believe you can do the things you want. If you take my advice for how to move and do what you want, you will be able to achieve your goals, budget, save money, use credit wisely and do what you want!

Share your thoughts with friends and family, but don't let them talk you out of your goals. Sometimes, you have to take risks to grow. Chances are if you want to move from where you are, you need a change. Take a risk!

The only reason you are not moving to where you want to live or doing what you want is you. You have to decide it is what you want and go after it. Make it work and never give up.

If you liked this article, give it a like and share! More to come!

(2) and she just looked at me and asked me one simple question. How old are your parents? I answered her, not really getting where she was going. She then told me, simply "They're responsible for their own lives, and you're responsible for your own and only your own until the point where you decide you want to have a kid. Then you'll be responsible for the kid as well." I disagreed with her, telling her that my parents drag me into their issues even when I try to stay away and she rebutted me

(3) She just smiled and said something along the lines of “Live your own life. When they see you’re doing your own thing, being happy, living your own life, they’ll start changing as well.” I didn’t trust her, tbh. I felt like I’ve always been there for my parents so they were used to me being there to listen and comfort and whatnot. I had some deeper issues so it took me a while to get on my own two feet where I don’t just jump up to help them whenever they come whining. I just started doing it

(4) And let me tell you, in the beginning it’s so hard. So hard to not just fix their issues when you know you could. But I realised that they can actually ix them, too. I just made them too much used to me being the one to fix them so they got spoiled by me. I fucking managed to spoil my parents, ridiculous, eh? But the more I’ve become independent in the way where I just listen without reacting and letting them deal with it all while I deal with my shit, they actually started getting better.

(5) It took me so damn long, though. So long to finally sever the damn phantom umbilical cord. I know how overwhelmed you must feel with parents who look to you for help, I know you must feel responsible for them in so many ways, but I just want to let you know it’ll get better. You’ll get better. And I say that because, and this was the hardest lesson I had to learn, the only person you can truly change is you. Others change as a reaction to your change, like a tidal wave. Take care of yourself

(6) Love yourself because you’re so damn lovable. And don’t put your life on any kind of pause or slow it down for others, because it will only harm you in the long run. On the other hand, you living your best life at the pace that is comfortable to you will inspire others to do the same. It does sound cheesy, but it’s proven many times to be true. If you need someone to talk to or talk AT, just message me, whenever you feel like it, okay? Be good to yourself!

I thank you kindly for your thoughtful advice, and I hear you completely.  Although it looks like tumblr ate the first part of this ask, I’m pretty sure I got the gist of the situation.  I thank you for sharing, and hope you do not mind that I am responding to this publicly, but I feel the need to make my own response public to see if there is anyone out there with the knowledge and advice that might help me more specifically.  In response:

These are strategies I’ve tried to reassure myself with for years.  But there are logistics to consider that I frankly need help dealing with, and due to a personal lack of finances, I am unable to seek professional help to help me answer these questions.

On my dad’s end, he will eventually learn to stop bringing me into his personal life on this level.  In part he does still emotionally lean on me because I’ve always been the only person that knew how to understand my mother and calm her down.  He discusses this with me to vent and also seek my guidance because we have always needed to respond very carefully as to not escalate the situation.  (On the other hand, he also communicates these issues with me to warn me of what the situation is, because I am always the next person my mother will contact if she is in a foul mood.)  My mother still had a lot of financial control and could put a lot of things at risk intentionally if we did not respond in a desired way.  Consequently, her actions would then affect the entire family, regardless of my involvement.  Losing our home is not something we can afford to go through right now, and this greatest thing at stake from my father’s end, until the divorce is settled.

Now, we have my mother who suffers severely from Borderline Personality Disorder, and is in need of intensive care.  I agree with you, that this shouldn’t be my responsibility.  But here is the reality of the situation; my mother is 60 years old, jobless (she lost 5 jobs in just one year), she is unable to maintain a job due to both mental health issues and physical health issues. She is in thousands of dollars of debt from medical bills, and a couple thousand from credit cards.  Her boyfriend (who seems to have recently left her) was their only source of income, and since he’s only on disability himself, there was never much money around.  She will be filing for bankruptcy this year because there are no other available options.

My mother is still covered under my father’s health insurance because their divorce has not been legalized yet.  However, she only has until the end of March before that health insurance is canceled.  The insurance however is a complete joke because our family is very poor and we cannot afford a lower deductible, so until we spend out $3500 in medical fees (money we do not have), we don’t qualify for much benefits.  To just see a general family doctor, our co-pays are $100 and up.  My mother who has no income other than the money I (had) been supplying her with, cannot afford to go to the doctor.  For over a year now, she has stopped taking all of her anti-depressant medications, mood stabilizers, sleeping aids, etc.  Recently, she has not had the money to pay for her other on-going medications for both hypertension and Diabetes type II.  She’s become very physically ill and her IBS has been affecting her daily life to an extreme.  However, with all of these things in mind, be aware that her doctor denied her his recommendation for disability when we asked.

I did take her to a social worker and we have applied to get her food stamps, cash assistance, and a medical card.  We have not yet heard back to see if she has been accepted for any of these government aids, and because we live in the bankrupt state of Illinois, I am weary of both how long it will take for her receive a response, and what her chances are of qualifying at all since her divorce from my father is not final.  (The divorce which we literally do not have money to afford at the moment.  My dad already had to take out money against his 401k to pay 5 missing house payments so that the bank would not start foreclosure. Which in turn, my mother then stole the money that he intended to use to pay off those bills, and used it to buy crack cocaine for herself.  She’s become an ongoing addict.)

My mother is literally at the point of being evicted from her trailer by her own sister.  Her boyfriend has left her, and he was the one that paid for all the utilities.  Knowing what I know about the health care system, I don’t think she will be quickly approved (if at all) for permanent Social Security Disability because it is rarely passed for people with Mental Illness, and her physical ailments are deemed curable as long as she has the money to afford the medications.  My mother has no other family members but myself and my younger brother.  I’m not at this moment allowing myself to consider the idea of letting her become homeless or forcing her to live in a women’s shelter where her health can only further deteriorate.

I would love to walk away from all of this and reassure myself that my mother will learn to change and that she will eventually be able to take care of herself.  However, at this moment, I know that she is entirely mentally and financially incapable of doing any of those things.  She’s been extremely suicidal and it’s taken every ounce of energy that I have to convince her that these problems are still manageable and there is hope that things will be better.

I love my mother despite all these issues because I understand how severe the disorder is, as I am a victim of it myself.  In a few weeks she will have no other option but to move to another state to live with me, since I am the only family she has that will take her in.  Opening my home to her means opening her to my care, and taking her on as a full-time responsibility.  I still do not have the money to get her the therapy and medical help that she needs; I don’t even have the money to afford it for myself.

I have no idea what to do, but I just cannot with good conscience walk away knowing that she will be left either homeless or to commit suicide.  I do not want these responsibilities, and I do want to live my own life, but it seems like my only way to live is to find a way to accommodate her life first until she is actually capable of doing it herself.  Most unfortunately to all of this is that I have no assistance myself.  I need help finding solutions, but I have no one to ask, and I have no connections to help me get things active.  As I mentioned before, I also suffer from BPD and anxiety, and it’s been extremely difficult for me to find solutions to her problems when I don’t have anyone first helping me to solve my own. 

I am truly and devastatingly in need of help that results in active decision making that will produce tangible results.  I need to be productive and make sure these situations don’t escalate even further than they already have, but I just have absolutely no idea where to go or how to make those changes happen.  I am not just frustrated with the situation, but also with myself, and I am endlessly terrified, but I simply know that doing nothing and walking away for my own benefit will result in consequences that I am not ready to live with. 

If anyone has any advice for what to do in the state of these circumstances, I am willing to learn and find a way to take action ASAP.