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madreckdoesrandomstuff · 3 years

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I absolutely hate my family.

My stepbro (trans male) is always getting into stupid drama that could easily be avoided if they weren't such a drama king & didn't handle drama like how teens do in those TV shows & movies.

My younger stepsis is extremely lazy & won't do her chores, which results in either me or my dad having to do them.

My stepmom plays favorites & is always getting mad over small things. She's over dramatic & always gets angry at my lil enbro (envy + brother = enbro) for stuff her children didn't do. She's always getting into arguments with my dad & she's wrong in most of them. She's always starting arguments with him & whenever he points out something & is right, she just says "I have to go" or "that's not important" when it absolutely is.

My mom & stepdad manipulated me into thinking I had no friends not long before I finished 4th grade & I continue to think that the friends I have aren't real friends because most of them are online friends.

All of my parents invalidate my online friendships since they're all online & that they're all probably just some 40 yr old creeps when my friends have proven that they're around my age range.

I'm constantly belittled & put down by my stepparents, mother, & lil enbro. I'm often called the r slur by my stepfather due to the fact that I'm autistic. I often get yelled at by my stepmom for stuff my stepsiblings didn't do that I did, such as chores. My stepsiblings always gets more privileges than my lil enbro & I do.

All of my parents say that they'll support their children no matter what. Yet my mom & stepdad are still in the "there's only 2 genders & 3 sexualities" mindset because any other sexuality & gender is "too specific". My stepmom & dad are religious & queerphobic & I can hear the queerphobia in my fathers voice each time my lil enbro sees something queer on TikTok around him.

My younger halfbro, who shares the same mother as my enbro & I, often hits & throws stuff at my lil enbro & I. Of course he gets into trouble since my stepdad & mom say that he shouldn't hit girls, yet they excuse it often because he has ADHD.

My stepmom & stepbro often bring so much stress back home because of work & drama at school. My dad is aware of the stress & favoritism & yet he doesn't divorce my stepmom because he loves her, even though they argue almost every single day.

I have trust issues because of the amount of times I've been lied to & manipulated & tricked by family, ex-friends, & strangers. I'm not sure if I'm capable of truly trusting others. I just know that I trust my online friends enough to vent to them about my problems, but it's never enough chz I can never spill my guts out enough. I don't even trust myself.

I've been living with my father since a few days before 5th grade started for me over 6 yrs ago after he won in a court case against my mom & stepdad after he saw them manipulate me into thinking I had no friends.

That's when the trouble began. My grades, mental health, & memory started to decline. Then stuff got better for me in 6th grade with my grades save for some of the bullying I went though in the after school program.

I knew that my grades would never be as great as they were in 6th grade & ever since then I've been expected to be a straight A student.

I've been getting intrusive thoughts since 7th grade as a result of stress & me bottling up my anger because each time I'd try to let it out I'd always get into trouble.

My grades remained the same for years after that. Something that worsened it was the stress & my bladder started to just act on its own from all of it. I ended up urinating myself often at home & never dealing with it because I'd forgotten how to.

When I was in 9th grade, I was forced to start wearing diapers to deal with the urinating problem during Labor Day weekend before quarantine started. I was forced to wear it for 7 months & I'd often get yelled at when I couldn't change my diaper after I urinated because I either didn't have an extra on me or there weren't any available restrooms nearby.

When quarantine started my grades started to improve due to everything being moved online & there being less stress for me to handle.

I was starting to improve. My mental health & grades were improving by the time I started 10th grade. I was even looking forward to 2021, believing that it'd be a great year for me.

Boy, was I wrong. I ended up getting a mental breakdown after getting overwhelmed by an assignment & my grades & mental health started to drop after that. My parents didn't understand why. They assumed that I was being lazy.

They didn't know about my mental health, even though I've tried telling them multiple times. They said they'd get me a therapist, but they never did & always forgot.

It wasn't until after I had that mental breakdown over that assignment when the suicidal thoughts started pouring in. I kept trying to think positive & the intrusive thoughts only intensified. I've been trying to stay positive since towards the end of 4th grade, but I've been struggling.

I've been hiding my emotions for so long that I'm numb to most besides anger & hatred. I continue to get yelled at & belittled by my own family.

I'm not sure much longer I can take it. Whenever someone upsets me, I twitch a bit & think about killing them or maybe even just running away.

Nobody other than my online friends have any ideas on how my mental health is, but even they don't know how bad it is. I don't even know how bad my mental health really is.

I'm too scared to ask for help. Every time I've tried asking for help for whatever I needed/wanted I was either ignored, told that I can do it myself, or that I was smart & mature enough to handle it on my own.

This is all too much for me, a pangender high school junior. I don't even know if I'll make it past 20 yrs old. I've even set up years for myself for when I'd finally end myself.

20 yrs old if life gets too rough for me to handle & I can't take it anymore.

30 yrs old if things are going better than expected & maybe things aren't as bad as before.

40 yrs old is for when I can decide if life is truly worth living or not.

I only haven't ended myself yet because I'd break so many hearts as well as my own for taking away someone I know others care about.

I honestly wonder how things would've been if I'd ask for legal help sooner. Maybe I would've been in a different family. Maybe I would've been happier or taking therapy.

I know my family & school isn't entirely to blame for my mental health since I know I'm playing a role in it as well.

I just feel so trapped. Trapped by expectations & reality & religion & school & family & oh so many things I don't have the will to type.

I just want the pain to stop, but I can't stop it. At least not on my own. I can't face my problems. Not yet. Not when I'm so weak.

I just hope that someday I'll be able to get the help I need & make sure that justice is served to all that have wronged me & any of my online friends.

I'm just holding out for karma by this point.

Until justice is served I will hold out.

I only haven't been driven to suicide or insanity yet because I know that there are people out there that love me & believe in me & care about me & believe that things will improve for me.

I hope the same for all of those who truly wish me well in life.

#tw suicide mention #tw r slur mention #tw queerphobia #tw bullying #tw intrusive thoughts #tw manipulation #tw mental abuse?

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ghostlyhamlet · 6 years

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rant

So I’m just at a loss for words at how people can be and just...I know it shouldn’t surprise me but it does.

A few nights ago, I checked my kik for the first time in a week because of theater and our shows and rehearsals taking up my time along with homework.

When I got on, I had received a message from someone I did not know, I opened it and was shocked at what it said, which was that he kept on calling me a f*g**t and when I had replied with a ‘excuse me?’ he just kept on repeating it, calling me slurs. I was completely dumbfounded because I did not know who this random stranger was and now here he was, attacking me for being bisexual (he had actually only thought that I was gay)?

The man then went as far as to say that: “And I’ll keep beating up every gay person I see I find it fun. Oh yea. I’ll keep doing my part kicking y’all asses one by one and if I see y’all irl I’m beating y’all asses too. And believe me you don’t have a chance.” And right after that he sent this: “Talk to me when y’all can make babies like me and my girl. Alright where you live fag. If I find that out I won’t tell you when I’m coming imma just beat yo ass and imma cause brain damage.”

In the heat of the moment, I was collected and I replied without lashing out and I tried to speak rationally to him, but he was set out to make sure he knew that I was committing a sin and that I could change if I wanted to, because it was a choice I had made.

I soon stopped replying when I realized that it was just fueling him, but after I had stopped and looked at my clock that had read 2am, I took a deep breath and started to cry. I cried a lot because I have never once been called a gay slur before and it was finally hitting down on me.

I knew that I couldn’t cry too loudly though, because I couldn’t wake my parents up because I wouldn’t have been able to explain what had happened.

This man thought that it was okay to just send a person a message spewing hatred at them, all because they liked someone of the same gender?

They had said it was a choice. I chose to be gay/bisexual.

As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I wish it could’ve been a choice. I had actually wished it was because of my family and the world around me. They see people like me and all they can think about is hatred over us, just because of the people we love.

I remember when I was young, I always liked girls. I can remember in around second grade, wondering why people would say it wasn’t okay to like girls like you like guys, I would be completely baffled by that reasoning.

I grew up with my family saying gay as an insult and calling each other a f*g**t if a man did something that wasn’t exactly masculine.

I didn’t even come to terms with being bisexual until the summer leading up to my freshman year of high school, even then, only I knew and I still wouldn’t even say it out loud, in fear that someone would overhear me and I was almost ashamed, because our society constantly bashed on homosexual people and painted it to be such a horrible thing.

The first time I told people I was bisexual, I was out late with a group of theater kids who I was comfortable with and who I knew was accepting and even part of the LGBTQ+ community themselves. But even as I told them, I couldn’t help feeling terrified on how they would react to me.

I will never forget when I was out eating with my family and earlier that day I had read that gay people were being killed and sent to camps in Russia. At dinner, I brought it up and to my horror I received these answers from my parents:

Mother: well, you can’t always believe the news you read about. So I doubt it’s real.

Father: good. gay people deserve to die.

After that I had excused myself to the bathroom where I had a panic attack because here I was, their bisexual daughter who I thought I could trust, saying that it wasn’t a serious issue and that people like me deserved to die.

Sometime during my sophomore year I was forced to come out to my mother, who was angry at me for how I acted when I had asked my father to stop using gay as an insult and to stop using the r-word also.

She had asked me why I was so angry at it and why I cared so much and then it all came out with a flurry of tears and sobs. She had hugged me and said she’d always love me, but I find that it’s hard to believe. Afterwards she would pull me aside and always ask me why I thought I was bisexual, even if I’ve never been with a girl. She would ask awkward invasive questions, questions that if I were heterosexual, she wouldn’t have asked.

Just recently I had one of these “talks” again. I was upset about the situation above and I ended up coming up with a lie that was around the same issue. When I had said it’s because I feel like they hated me, she then said “so you’re bisexual again?” Which prompted me to reply with, “I never stopped” and she then said that I had lied to her because I had said I was into boys. Which I had to explain that I.Am.Bisexual. I like boys and girls. A few minutes later, she brought it up again while we were driving to let my sister pick something up. She had waited for her to leave before asking me why I thought I was bisexual. In the few seconds we had I tried to avoid the question, which worked because my sister soon returned.

I also had to lose a great friend of mine, she had believed in the same theories as the man who had threatened me, only on a much milder level. Like the man, she had explained that her being a Christian meant that her religion stated that it was a sin and that “it is still a choice, even if not a conscious one”.

For some reason, this has come full circle. How can people believe it’s a choice? How can people think that we enjoy being harassed? Enjoy being threatened? To think that we choose to be gay, even if that means that our family’s will disown us or kick us out? To think that we enjoy being told that we’re going to hell all because we fell in love with someone? That we enjoy living in constant fear that someone might try and hurt or even kill us because of who we are?

God is said to love everyone and says to love thy neighbor, yet why does it only apply to people you want it too?

#personal #rant #f slur tw #homophobia tw #violence tw #long post #I just had to get this out #thank you if you read it though

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