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mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess · 1 year

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Part one of the ficlet inspired by this post, special thanks to @sasumimo for enabling me and everyone else who said they'd like to see it in fic form: @faeratil @yuzanrath @kat-anni @michininja @its-all-suibian

Part two here

Mo Xuanyu. He's Mo Xuanyu. He's the son of the defunct second lady Mo and sect leader Jin Guangshan, he's been driven out of Jinlintai and he's gone insane. He's Mo Xuanyu. Mo Xuanyu.

He's not Mo Xuanyu. He's not, he's not - but he has no idea who he is. He should know, he feels like he should know, how could he forget something so important - but he doesn't. If he hadn't found Mo Xuanyu's journal and the instructions he left behind, he wouldn't even know his own name.

His name is not Mo Xuanyu. It's Wei Wuxian. Wei Ying. He's the Yiling Patriarch - whatever that means. He's been brought into this body to enact revenge on Mo Xuanyu's abusive family - is that the kind of person he supposedly is? The kind people summon to kill for revenge?

He doesn't feel like that's true... is it? What if it is? He doesn't remember anything, maybe it is, maybe that's what he's known for, that's why he died in the first place - for killing, for being a cruel murderer.

The thought makes him sick. Is this who he is? He doesn't want to kill anyone. Even if he used to, even if that's what his reputation has been built on - he doesn't want to do that anymore. He's not an assassin, he doesn't want to do anyone's dirty work.

He knows he has no choice. He doesn't remember anything about himself, but he knows what a sacrificial array is, and what will happen to him if he doesn't fulfill the caster's wish. If he's such a bloodthirsty monster, he doesn't think it would be so bad if his soul is destroyed forever - but he still has a survival instinct, and there's something inside of him telling him he shouldn't let himself rot so soon. Maybe there is more to this story, to his story...

But he has to kill three people now. Three cuts on his arm. If he does it, he'll be free of the curse and -

And what?

It's not like he would be able to stay in Mo Xuanyu's shabby house forever, especially if word gets out he killed his own family. Even if he plead insanity, he'd still be executed.

Say that doesn't happen - he still can't just stay here - what if someone figures out he's not who he should be? Who he pretends to be?

Based off Mo Xuanyu's notes, he hasn't been too well-liked in his previous life, so if people found out he's alive again, they'd tear him to shreds.

(They're not to be blamed, really. Wouldn't he do the same? If he found out such a terrible person has returned from the dead, wouldn't he want them gone again, forever, too? What if this person killed his family, his children, his lover? Of course he would want them turned to dust... but... has he really been such a vile person?)

He's Mo Xuanyu but he's not. He has to be. He wishes he could be himself, but he doesn't know who he is. He doesn't know if who he is is even worth being.

So he settles with being Mo Xuanyu instead.

---

There are two young cultivators visiting the Mo estate. They're juniors, dressed in white, matching ribbons tied around their foreheads, elegant and beautiful.

Wei Wuxian feels what could only be described as abject terror upon the sight of them. Panic surges through him like electricity, and he wants to run back into his shack and hide there until he's positive those two are within a day's distance away.

But he's curious. He doesn't know if his curiosity is his own or Mo Xuanyu's but he's curious why he is so deathly afraid of these two children.

They're so young, they can't have been more than toddlers when he was alive - so it's not them as individuals, it couldn't possibly be. Then, it's what they represent - or maybe, rather, who.

Someone in white with a forehead ribbon must have hurt him to the extent that it carried into his subconscious even across realms. Maybe that someone killed him, or contributed to his death in some way.

Regardless, these children belong to the same clan, or at least the same sect as that person. Wei Wuxian has to be careful, that person may have told the juniors about him and though they're young, Wei Wuxian isn't sure he would be able to fight them off if they were to attack him.

He still isn't sure of what he can and cannot do. He knows he has been - is, he is - a cultivator, but he doesn't have a sword and his mind is muddled enough for him not to be able to focus on battle. Not to mention, Mo Xuanyu's golden core is weak, so even if he could conjure up something, he'd probably die trying it out.

So he sticks to spying instead.

He hears talk of a night hunt and a sharp pain stabs through his head. He can't help a pained sound, the throbbing into his skull impossibly cruel for a few long, relentless seconds - and he gives away his hiding spot behind one of the large columns in the Mo estate's guest hall.

That attracts the attention of Madam Mo, who sends him a sharp glare. "What are you doing here?! Scram!" Then she turns to the two cultivators, apologetic, sickeningly sweet. "I apologize, this nephew of mine is not right in the head and he doesn't listen unless we yell at him..."

But Wei Wuxian knows that's a bald faced lie and even if he's scared of those two young cultivators, this woman irritates him to the point that he understands Mo Xuanyu's hatred of her. She's incredibly two-faced, cozying up to those she admires like a snake while so openly mistreating - no, abusing - everybody she deems beneath her.

Wei Wuxian hates her. He reminds her of someone - he doesn't know who, and if he tries, his head begins hurting more - but he has to speak up. He'll kill her later, but she's going to get a piece of his mind before it too.

"You yell at me because you like it, not because it works!" he begins, placing his hands on his hips. "You yell at everyone, actually. Are we all insane, then? You live in a mad house?!"

Madam Mo's son all but lounges his way, a dining knife in his hand. But Wei Wuxian's body knows what to do before he does and he quickly dodges the hit, the nimble movement throwing Mo Ziyuan off balance and sending him right on his ass in the middle of the guest hall.

Wei Wuxian can't help a laugh and neither can one of the juniors in white. The other discreetly elbows him to stop.

"Madam Mo," he says, his voice calm but carrying a surprisingly firm tone to it. Wei Wuxian feels like he can almost recognize it, recognize him. "We have come here to help you with the hauntings, please resolve your disputes privately once the issue is resolved and we are gone. We are going to set up spirit attraction flags all over your estate, so please do not leave your rooms after sundown and keep all doors and windows closed."

Another sharp pain shoots through Wei Wuxian's head. Spirit attraction flags...? He knows what they are, he knows - they're like bait, they're supposed to attract resentful energy, ghosts, fierce corpses, evil. Live targets work best, they feed off yin energy... He knows the characters, he can see them form before his eyes, he knows that he - that there was a cave, darkness, he was alone, there was screaming, it kept hurting him so he drew something and threw it at them, they left him alone, it was the spirit attraction flag -

He invented it.

He faints with the realization.

---

He wakes up in a room he knows he definitely shouldn't have been in. It's ornate, beautiful, he's laid onto a soft mattress, and a calming melody fills the silence. He slowly blinks his eyes open, and sees one of the white-robed youths from before - the calmer one - play something on his guqin.

What a familiar sight... Wei Wuxian cannot help wondering why it is familiar. Isn't he afraid of these people? Why does the image of one playing the guqin feel so... warm?

He takes the time to study the youth's image a little. He doesn't seem to have realized Wei Wuxian has woken up already, so focused on his task, the precision of his fingers betraying years of practice and a dutiful, talented teacher's guidance.

Wei Wuxian still cannot shake off the feeling that he has met this young man before. His heart aches in a way that he doesn't understand, in a way that almost feels parental. It is.

But it's impossible - he doesn't think he's ever had a child, Mo Xuanyu's notes didn't mention anything of the sort. And if he ever did have a child, he doubts anyone would have let them live, with the kind of man Wei Wuxian seems to have been...

And yet... yet he feels like this is his child. This is his child that he has loved and protected from something terrible, something that killed him but saved his little one instead. He can almost conjure up an image of this little boy, can almost hear his voice call out for Xi-

"Mo-gongzi, you're awake."

Wei Wuxian shakes himself out of his stupor - and realizes that trying to remember this boy didn't hurt. It didn't hurt like the spirit attraction flag or the night hunt.

Why didn't it hurt?

"Are you feeling better?" he asks, kind and gentle and Wei Wuxian tries so hard to hide his torment, the tears that threaten to spill out.

"I am, yes, thank you... what-what's your name?"

"I am Lan Yuan, coourtesy name Sizhui."

Lan Yuan... Yuan... God, Wei Wuxian wants to remember this name so badly, wants to remember the face that it belonged to, wants to see whether he's projecting senselessly on this boy or he's actually his child - but he can't, his mind provides nothing, he feels the knowledge just below the surface of his conscious but cannot pull it out.

"Did I qi deviate?"

"That's... hard to say." Lan Sizhui says, and seems embarrassed with himself for it. "You both did and didn't. I haven't seen something like this before, your meridians were perfectly balanced but your body reacted as if you were qi deviating."

How odd... Wei Wuxian thinks to himself. Maybe it wasn't my body that became unbalanced, but my spirit.

"I played some calming melodies for you, even though you weren't technically qi deviating, and you settled."

"Settled? Didn't I... faint?"

"Oh..." Lan Sizhui looks at him, sympathetic. "You must have blacked out. You didn't faint, you began... screaming. Like you were in a lot of pain. And you kept telling us that 'the little one' had done nothing wrong and to kill you instead..."

Wei Wuxian feels his fingers grow cold, as if ice has filled his veins all of a sudden. Who is he? What has he even done? And more importantly, what have all of these people done to him?

"Are you feeling ill again, Mo-gongzi?"

He blinks himself back to reality. "No, no, I'm okay. Um, I'm sorry you had to see all that, I don't really know why it happened or what it was... but thank you for your help anyway."

He sits at the edge of the bed and puts his boots on.

"Mo-gongzi, I really don't think you should be up and about yet, you should be resting here in bed-"

Wei Wuxian smiles, a little bitterly. "Lan-gongzi, do you really think this is the kind of room the Mo family lets me live in? You saw how little they think of me. This is just for show."

He walks out before Lan Sizhui can reply and walks back to his shack.

He bursts in tears the moment he's inside - and he doesn't know why.

Does he?

---

The Mo family dies very conveniently. Mo Ziyuan's kicked it because he's an idiot, keeping a spirit attraction flag on him as if it's not a live target, whilst Madam Mo and her husband died by a fierce ghost hand attracted by the flag formation.

Wei Wuxian hasn't had to directly kill anyone, which is a blessing - because he has been unable to focus on anything ever since his qi deviation earlier today.

How did he die? Who killed him? Why? What has he done so vile as for his (possibly?) last memory to be that of begging his child be spared?

And... has he succeded? Did his child live? Is his child that young man, Lan Sizhui? If so, how? Is he his biological son? Did he adopt him? Did someone in the Lan sect take him in? Does he know who he is? Is he who Wei Wuxian thinks he is? Who does Wei Wuxian think the boy is?

The ghost hand is relentless, driven by so much resentment that Wei Wuxian feels it vibrate under his skin. Why is he so responsive to resentful energy? Why does he feel it like it's a part of him, an extra appendage?

He wants to help the children. They'll die if he doesn't, and they're so young - no matter how he was like in his first life, he's not like that now, he won't let people die needlessly if he can do anything about it.

And he knows what to do.

---

He can't do all that he knows, he'll give himself away - but the kids send a flare signal and Wei Wuxian takes it as his cue to leave. These people, the Lan sect, they've done something to him, and if these children are innocent, their seniors are not. And Wei Wuxian is not looking for a fight right now, all he wants is to leave.

He doesn't know where, but he knows it has to be away.

How does he know how to manipulate resentful energy? How is he good at it?

It doesn't corrupt him, it doesn't hurt - well, it does, but not because of the resentment. Rather, Wei Wuxian has learned, his head hurts when the memories he's trying to remember are painful. Using this kind of cultivation gives him a dull headache - so he's figured that he discovered it in less than ideal conditions. Probably as a survival tactic of some sort, or to fight something off.

Why hasn't he used the regular kind of cultivation? He knows how it works, so it can't have been incompetence or weakness. There has to have been something else.

But when he tries to think of that, of why he uses resentful energy instead of spiritual qi, his head throbs with blinding pain, and he feels himself hollow after it passes, like he should be missing something in his body.

But he isn't.

Well, at least Mo Xuanyu isn't.

---

The stone goddess is the second terrible monster of the night that Wei Wuxian encounters and he's starting to doubt that this is just a coincidence. The cultivators are struggling with it, they can't suppress it - and Wei Wuxian is once again overcome with the impulse to help, especially as he notices a golden-robed junior charging recklessly at the creature.

He has met this junior - kind of. In the forest, just now. Wei Wuxian's borrowed donkey (it's not stealing if the family he took it from sucks and is also dead... is it? No wonder people think he's a bastard) got tangled up in a spirit-trapping net. The kid came rushing in thinking he caught some prey, but was instead met with the pitiful sight of Little Apple trying to free herself, and Wei Wuxian dejectedly watching her.

"Oh, it's you." the youth says, so arrogantly that Wei Wuxian feels insulted without even a bad word having been thrown his way. "What the hell are you staring at me like this for?! Have you forgotten who I am or something?!"

Oh, yeah, Mo Xuanyu must know this little arrogant gremlin, perhaps from his time in Jinlintai. Wei Wuxian doesn't really know how to react - he knows Mo Xuanyu is supposedly off his rocker, but he's a bit too shaken to act too shameless right now.

"Can't I be here? Do you own this mountain or something?" Wei Wuxian replies, crossing his arms over his chest. "Now free my donkey, I have places to be! Not everyone has the time to lounge around setting up nets like you do!"

"Free it yourself! If you have all that audacity, you should have a sword to back it up!" The kid says, turning around with a jingle of his many accessories, and Wei Wuxian could swear he saw the boy flip him off.

"You really have no manners at all! What kind of kid did your parents raise?"

Jin Ling stills immediately, and he grips his sword so hard it shakes in his hand. "What did you just say to me?"

But Wei Wuxian doesn't hear him anymore. The world seems to have begun spinning with him, and his head hurts so much he feels like it's going to explode.

His parents... the boy's parents... they're not- they haven't... They're not... alive, they're not. because Wei Wuxian... the incident... a fist through the heart, a sword through the neck... the boy's parents...

Wei Wuxian killed his parents.

He blacks out again.

---

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #writing attempts

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